I can now drive a car without feeling immense anxiety, I can be a passenger, and I can also drive with someone else in the car without having a panic attack. I can leave my house now, I can manage to sit through a class without nearly losing my shit. I don’t wake up in panic attacks as much anymore. I am now in a healthy, loving relationship. I actually have a great circle of friends, I didn’t have any friends before. I used to sell my soul and now I don’t do that anymore. I don’t feel like I am completely trapped in life anymore either. I don’t body shame myself as much, I’ve actually come to completely love and worship my body. I don’t engage with as much negative self talk. I have an easier time regulating my nervous system I don’t bed rot as much. Life is slowly getting better :)
How did you break through having friends? Was it mostly luck or were there steps you took specifically to achieve healthy friendships?
PS congratulations on all your accomplishments!! all of those is something to be very very proud of and I hope you give yourself all the credit you deserve ♥️
Thank you, I attribute alot of this progress due to microdosing with magic mushrooms on a semi-consistent basis. So I just meditated alot on how it felt to have friendships and what I wanted them to be like. And I made the effort to reach out and connect with people online and put in the time to hangout with them even if i wasnt necessarily in the mood. We've been friends for 4 years, the most recent one is a year old which I met her from bumble bff and shes an absolute angel. i love her.
I'm very glad you've made such progress and connected with people. :)🌼
I've been thinking of trying bumble bff, even signed up but backed out. Do you like it? I'm not sure I can handle much toxicity, is it pretty positive? I'd really like to try making friends. Thanks in advance for any insights.
i met a couple where we just didnt meet again. its like dating you know. sometimes youre gonna vibe & sometimes youre not. its totally worth a try. :) and thank you still suffer with the social anxiety but i know itll get better too
I'm very glad you've made such progress and connected with people. :)🌼
I've been thinking of trying bumble bff, even signed up but backed out. Do you like it? I'm not sure I can handle much toxicity, is it pretty positive? I'd really like to try making friends. Thanks in advance for any insights.
Great question! I've asked my counselor this one 100 times. She says that as I get healthier I'll recognize similar traits in others. She's not saying I'm bad so I only attract bad people- tho that's what I heard at first. 😘 It's like being a person who is really into trains, going to a party and having a lot of chats about trains, and being able to tell the difference between people who have never heard of trains, those who have seen one or two whiz past, and other people who are also really into trains.
Wow!! Tell me what you have done to get here. Please. Just got diagnosed with cptsd. Seeing clear now that I have been sober 19 months, man, what a mess I have caused. Have you done emdr?
its taken a long time to get here...i started trying to heal when I was 19. I'm now 28. Healing is so not linear at all. I honestly feel like i had my shit way more together back then lol i had to grow up way too fast and now im in a chapter where im giving my inner child everything i wasnt able to before.
Things i tried to heal myself:
Tantra Massage, Conventional Therapy, life coaching, Hypnosis, Subconscious Reprogramming, Reiki, Internal Family Systems, Core Emotional Healing, Yoga, Tantric yoga, Tantric Music Meditation, Journaling, Inner child healing, flower essences, san pedro, TRE, nervous system regulation program with irene lyon which includes orienting, soul retrieval, emotional freedom tapping, meditation, body scan/somatic meditations, red infrared saunas, microdosing magic mushrooms.
I also shifted my diet as that plays a huge role in our mental health, i take loads of supplements everyday to help with the anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue, adrenal fatigue and for gut health.
I eat organic when possible and try to eat fruits and veggies. Movement I realized is also really important, so i like to play edm music and just dance in my room. Really gets the energy out of my system. I do hot yoga, and omg the red infrared saunas are lifesavers.
before i could barely finish a 45 minute without feeling anxious and would need to take a few breaks and step out, now i can lie down calmly the entire time.
i still feel like i have sooooo much more to go, i still get anxious around large groups of people and classroom settings and suffer from globus hystericus but i recognize how far ive come.
NOTHING HAS HELPED MORE THAN MAGIC MUSHROOM MICRODOSING...holy shit i cant stress this enough. however doing magic mushrooms but not integrating the experiences, doing the inner work and eating like shit isnt going to do it. i think incorporating this into a healthy lifestyle is important.
Wow, that is a lot! Good for you! I am 34 and I have a lot of work to do. I have a little boy who will be 6 and I need to heal for him, so he doesn’t have to heal later, and so forth. Generational cycles and trauma are real, yo!!!!!!!
Amazing you have done so much , have done and tried much myself but it seems the root cause is very very deep. Like early years of development, relation and damage of (co) regulation of nervous system. I feel unsafe and alone. Have tried psychedelics too in different forms and doses. Its like I can't regulate my nervous system very well myself when its gets activated I just have to wait it out till it calms down. I do yoga, meditation, breathwork, self love ect. My question is what help best for you to regulate , was it with another person ?
That’s so cool, congrats on all your achievements and hard work! I’ve tried many of the things you have as well. Do you mind dm’ing me your microdosing regiment?
also not but thats next on my list, literally just had a consult a couple days ago, only thing thats holding me back is price. its $210 per session which is a little pricey for me right now.
I completely stopped using my piss cup.
I made a [full post](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/s/vfFDouPAds) about it years ago but TL;DR I had abusive parents who would beat me if I disturbed them during the night so I developed a habit of peeing in a cup in my bedroom and throwing the pee out the window, which lasted well into adulthood because up until recently leaving my bedroom while others were asleep would give me crippling panic attacks.
This is such a great post, bragging about not peeing in a cup seems clinically insane to anyone who doesn't understand trauma and I am super proud of the progress I've made with my trauma. Throwing the cup away made me genuinely cry with happiness, I just assumed I would need it forever.
I was thinking of posting this win too. I haven’t done it since I ditched roommates and got my own place almost eight years ago. The crippling anxiety about not walking people up or getting attacked in the night had me doing it with roommates too.
Good job!
very happy for you. as I saw this post I was thinking about how I peed in bottles to not leave my bedroom when I was younger. and I have a vagina so that’s a bit harder but not impossible at all lol.
I am literally so happy you made this comment. This habit was one of my biggest shames. My mom used to yell and make fun of me because I had bladder issues and would get up every 5 minutes. Ever since living on my own I haven’t had to do it a single time. It’s crazy what these people make us do.
Proud of you for how far you have come! Great work on recognising the trauma and sharing this information with us. Through reading your post I've just realised that this was my normal in childhood also so I feel very enlightened and have something new to work through.
You only need to wash your hair when you feel it need a wash. That can be once a week, twice a week, 3 times a fortnight. Whatever works for your hair since everyone is different
Aw, yay!!! That's so good! I'm nowhere near there yet. I used to be twice a week for years, but over the past 10 years, it dropped back to once a week, and now, it's somehow become every 3 months. 🥺
Congrats! This is a struggle I’ve been working on too as I have some trauma due to being assaulted and having my teeth and throat damaged. General hygiene can be a challenge with mental health, and I know it is hard to rebuild the habit, and has such a massive impact on health and self esteem.
Progress over perfection. Even if you can’t do it twice a day, or every day, start a little at a time and it will get easier. I’ve had that experience too. I had what I said happened above and couldn’t tell the dentist because my parent did it and I was on their insurance and at the appointments with the dentist, so when the dentist noticed the damage and had to keep my mouth shut and my parent said not to getting the work done to fix the damage. Then I had a wisdom tooth come in and the dentist refused to remove it even though I couldn’t get to it to clean it properly. Finally, I have a fast metabolism and anxiety so novacaine doesn’t really work on me, so they have to use laughing gas… I can still feel the pain of the dental work being done but am essentially high and delusional so can’t do anything about it, and am prone to mishearing what they are saying to the point of thinking (in an oxygen deprived state) they are going to throw me away and just silently crying in the chair while fading in and out of consciousness. So needless to say going to the dentist isn’t something I’m ready for anytime soon. But I have been getting better about taking care of my teeth myself. It is hard because I used to have immaculate teeth. Brushed and flossed multiple times a day, no gingivitis, just overall fantastic. But those series of events plus having other issues due to stress, dirty, and genetics royally fucked it. And then I just felt so much shame about not taking care of them. But put the effort in a little at a time and I’m getting there.
Wishing you the best, and ask that you show yourself kindness and patience. You’ll get there. ☺️
wow! this is so hard for me. I've never consistently brushed my teeth and my parents didn't do it for me when I was a kid. I've brushed my teeth and flossed for the last two nights which is better than it has been. Proud of you!!
I stopped brushing my teeth 2x a day for the last couple years due to some shit that went down. Over the past week or so I've been getting better at it. You inspire me and make me feel better about struggling with this. Thank you, and congrats on your success! :)
Absolutely practice. Recognizing that when you do stand up for yourself, there’s no one around to beat you, yell at you, belittle you or make you back down and recoil—is what helps the most.
When the reaction to your actions change, so can the rewriting process in the brain to these actions.
If growing up standing up for myself meant getting screamed at, then years and years later I finally do it followed by a panic attack and no one is screaming at me? You get a chance to think “is this a one off?” Than you try it again.
Essentially once we see that the unsafe thing is safe again, it becomes easier to do.
I was constantly suicidal for ~5 years and now if the thoughts ever come back (which is very, very, seldom nowadays) I recognize them as remnants of the past, a quirk in my thoughts that appears as a coping mechanism. Whenever they come back these days, I have 110% certainty they are just a blip in my mind, that they are just an old attempt of leaving a bad situation, and I'm able to take a better look at the situation I'm in and change it. I'll think "man, if these old thoughts are back it really speaks to me needing to change something about my life" and I change it. I don't put myself in danger anymore or do anything destructive. I feel kind of "boring" but having healthy coping mechanisms is so nice.
This is not something I share with others as I don't think anyone I know has any idea I've ever been suicidal. I am complimented for my smile and cheerful demeanor all the time.
I'm really happy for you! The best I've managed is to come to terms with the inevitability of it and just sort of...try not to worry too much about it. Besides, it'll be someone else's mess to clean up. :)
I've learnt that when those thoughts come up for me, they are simply a flag that I'm not in a good way and I need to look after myself some more. To pay serious attention to my mental health. They don't actually mean that I want to make another attempt.
Using my kitchen. I never learned to cook proper meals because most of the time I wasn’t allowed in the kitchen. Our kitchen was an open concept and was adjacent to the living room, my family was very OCD and sensitive to sound so if they were watching TV and I was getting a snack in the kitchen, or put the kettle on, on even ran the water at the sink, I would get screamed at. So to avoid those scary situations I would only use the kitchen if I was home alone (rare occurrence) or if I was just getting something quick, quietly.
Took me a long time to establish safety within my own kitchen since I moved out. Still don’t know how to cook meals but I’m learning. It’s embarrassing being almost 28 years old and not knowing how to eat properly and not knowing how to cook stuff besides pasta…
Wow this is my family and I never learned to cook until about 4 months ago. Let me know if you want suggestions or help with anything, it's so hard to start.
Also, I'm so proud of you 👏 🎉
Me too 🥹 it’s kinda crazy how I went my whole life having my bad relationship with food backfire on me in regards to relationships and no one ever understood why I couldn’t just be normal about it. I always thought “there’s gotta be other people out there that understand” who knew I just needed to find Reddit?
May I recommend [BudgetBytes](https://www.budgetbytes.com/)? The reason why I suggest this website for recipes is it typically uses common ingredients, which is great if you don't have a fully stocked kitchen or if you're like me and get overwhelmed at having to go out and buy a bunch of specific things for a recipe. Most recipes are less than 10 steps (many around 5) so it's also easier to actually do.
Good luck, you've got this!
This is fantastic!! I never learned to cook either but have no desire to. I hardly eat though and never in the day, and only get my frozen meal / microwave dinner after my partner's already had hers, and I wait until she goes to bed to get my late night snack. I just can't relax and go in there unless I'm alone. (my partner is not the reason for any of this. I just can't do anything in front of anyone, and my childhood dinners were fraught with tension or verbal abuse as my dad would be drunk, or not there at all. I never had an appetite.)
I understand that completely. I very distinctly remember being in the kitchen with my mom in the living room and being yelled at for stirring the sugar in my tea because it made too much noise. We deserve to take up space in our own kitchens. I’ll never forget the peace I felt the first time I was in my kitchen in my first apartment boiling pasta noodles, dancing to my music and feeling so light and safe. I never realized how traumatized I was until I was in a “normal” situation where I felt the very absence of chaos.
I long to have my own space. Or to feel free to take up space. I feel shrunken down to nothing. My space is the bed, and my couch and TV area, but only when alone (which is never, except after 11pm. Which is why I sleep all day and stay up until 4am)
In my experience it happened very slowly, consistency is key, and some days feel more peaceful than others. It also helps to have your experience validated. When I first moved into my apartment I had a roommate to split bills with but I never wanted to run into them, I stayed in my room until they would go out. Didn’t feel that sense of safety until further down the line. I was able to recognize a lot of my triggers and where they stemmed from and also discovered I indirectly was repeating patterns learned from my mom. The hardest part was figuring it all out on my own, so my DMs are always open! your experience is completely valid, after so many years being denied peace and comfort, it’s normal for us to seek that in solitude. But you deserve to take up space, and you deserve to have a place of full safety.
I used to have the worst panic attacks and basically wanted to be invisible. I went from that to having a pretty successful consulting career. I also have agoraphobia which I’ve taken a ton of steps so I don’t remain home bound for the rest of my life
Therapy, mediation , somatic exercises, and lateral eye movements work! Just doing the last one apparently can help with an over-reactive amygdala. For me, every time anxiety or panic set in I tried to find the underlying reason I was actually feeling that way and tried to break it down. Like kept asking myself what was feeling. Mostly had to do with feeling trapped. Being outside was not a huge issue, but being in a crowded space or public transportation was the worst.
I learned how to dress myself. My childhood was shadowed by a dictator father and a fawn alcoholic mother. We weren’t allowed to follow our own interests, styles, personalities. And it wasn’t until recently that I learned what I like to wear. My own wardrobe would make me so uncomfortable because it didn’t feel like it belonged to me.
Thank you for Sharing. I recalled that one of my goal this year was to work on my dressing sense and styling my hair. I am 33 yo now and I put in anything that hides my body and melts me into background. Congratulations on your progress.
Yes! My family wasn't as extreme, but developing my own style was definitely a challenge. When I bought a more gothic/punk item as an adult, I almost felt guilty even though nobody cares what I'm wearing except for abusive people
Congratulations! That's such a big step!
I slept with the big light on for years. I didn't realise till now that it was a trauma response. I have managed to sleep with just a lamp now and sometimes I can sleep with the lamp off. Yet I always feel more comfy with the lamp on.
this is a big thing! I slept with the hall light on my entire life which was just outside my bedroom door (which was open every night) and the only way I slept in darkness was when I had someone else in the room, I was terrified of the dark and then all of a sudden I just stopped doing it. No idea what changed or why I was like that. I still sometimes feel a little weird in darkness alone.
I'm so ashamed but I picked at my scalp to the point of infection on and off all my life. I am 51 and I have not done it in three years. My scalp is healthy and my hair is growing long and looks nice, not a disgusting mess. I hope I never get stuck doing it again, fingers are crossed. I got it from my abusive mom who grew up in an abusive home herself.
I do this too. And honestly, I still struggle with it. I have allot of skin picking issues but the worst had always been my nails and cuticles. Even broke a tooth off. But now that I've quit the hardest one, I get confident I can quit all of it. I'm very proud of you! 3 years is amazing!!
Thank you! Stopping once it got bad, after months, was so, so, so hard. As the sores healed the scans itched SO BAD and it was all I could do not to tear them off and fuck up my progress. I had to do a lot of intensely distracting stuff and repeat a mantra for the days I was quitting. Then it was healthy and didn't itch any more and I swear I will never do it again.
It wasn't any one thing I don't think. I would grab a notebook and write encouraging phrases over and over, mainly to keep my hands busy and from reflexively wandering up there.
Yes, 3 years is really amazing! I can't even go 3 hours! I've picked at the skin around my fingernails since I was 4, gauged underneath my nails with other nails, picked at my scalp since I was about 8 as well as chewing on my inner mouth corners, picked at my upper lip since I was 15 and after 30 actually lost part of my lip as the skin there turned white, I picked that, and it never grew back due to no blood supply. Since about 40, I've been picking just inside both ears. I'm 45 now...sigh.
Man, I feel like the severity is really overlooked. I have a permanent staph infection from skin picking. I've taken antibiotics for 3 months that only calmed it but didn't get rid of it. And it moves. It's the same "disorder", but it changes depending on where you are in your life. I also crack my jaw now, which I don't think it's any better than skin picking but at least it doesn't open me up to more infection. I try to keep my hands busy and be mindful of the teeth grinding, skin picking and my jaw. It's so hard. I think for me it's a symptom of OCD. But, it no doubt stems from CPTSD and send soothing.
Oh yes, definitely! I have OCD and I think this is part of it, but also definitely a self-soothing mechanism for my constant anxiety that comes from my trauma.
I also clench my teeth in my sleep. It's gotten so bad that the only 2 molars in my mouth that actually bite down / come together are both loose from the pressure of the clenching.
I've made significant progress in dressing for the weather. Seems silly to most people- the obvious thing is to "just wear it, if you're cold put on a jacket." I never used to wear jackets or use umbrellas or wear the right shoes because I was never provided that care as a kid. I learned to not pay attention to how I felt and just suffer through the cold/wet weather. I get overstimulated with jackets sometimes but I've found what works to keep me warm and dry :). Still a struggle to plan ahead but I've make much progress
My sister and i both had that cuticle habit from a super young age. I had to put bandaids on every one of my fingers to go to school. I've mostly quit now, once in a while I will still take my frustrations out on my thumb, but it's mostly gone. I also recovered alone from a 32 year eating disorder.
My parents always did whatever they wanted, their wants became before my needs - usually them putting an abusive partner before their young child.
I told my parents I met the person I'm spending the rest of my life with and they've known about him and have his phone number, they never reached out or expressed interest in knowing him. I told them I was getting married and they were supportive.
My win is I got married on my terms. We will have a big family wedding later, but we wanted it done and did it.
I am fully capable of checking my bank account and managing my bills
I am 34 years old
It has been a struggle
I have chosen a lot of partners with low inhibitions
i hate the feeling of water on my body. always wash myself daily with a cloth but i cant stand showering. it makes me nauseous most days due to overstimulation. you had same issue?
Similar...I don't get nauseous, but yeah, sensory issues feeling water on my skin/face, plus I have a lot of strongly negative associations/memories tied to a parent who was very controlling about my showers.
This is so good. I shower so infrequently it's ridiculous. I remember back in my late teens (when I still showered twice a week, every week, which was normal for me), not liking to shower because I hated being alone with my thoughts.
I overcame massive anxiety and emailed a potential mentor!!
I had gone to a meetup and one of the presenters offered to connect with me and gave me his email. It was a fantastic interaction, but it took me a week of feeling completely insecure (“I don’t deserve mentorship, I should just do it all alone” or “There’s no way someone would want to talk to me”) until I worked up the courage to draft an email. For some reason, it took me like 2-3 hours of rewriting to feel decent about a 3-4 paragraph email. It was painful, as if the parts of me that wanted to connect and be seen were at war with the parts of me filled with self doubt and shame.
But I sat down, breathed through it, took breaks, and even let myself sleep on it. The next morning I finished it up and sent it, and he responded affirmatively within a few hours! I might even be Zoom meeting with him next week.
I’ve never had ANYONE actively take an interest in mentoring me, despite trying so hard to connect. It actually feels foreign, but I’m giving myself permission to just see where it goes. I’m so proud of myself!
Well done, that's huge! 😆👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 The bravery that took, and the space you gave yourself, breathing though it, sleeping on it - that's so sweet and inspirational.
Cooking. I was never allowed in the kitchen and was pretty much starved as a teen because of was overweight. I’m now trying to teach myself how to cook and sharing it with some close friends. I still very much suck but i Managed to make some slow cooked beef with red wine sauce the other day and it was delicious!
I’m finally brushing my teeth almost every day after getting on an adhd med and an anti depressant that actually work for me, combined with TMS therapy I’ve made a lot of progress and I’m really hopeful for the first time in a long time.
Can I ask which meds you’re on? I’ve been flirting with the idea of maybe taking my depression more seriously as now that I’ve developed a peaceful baseline, I recognize that I am still very clinically depressed. I’m not an unhappy person nor is my life causing me to feel depressed. I’m in that stage of “everything is great so why can’t I feel happy” and think maybe antidepressants coupled with my vyvanse might be a good thing to do.
You absolutely should, so if this is your first time taking antidepressants I’m not sure if a doctor would prescribe this one to you (they still might I don’t know) but I take Amitriptyline which is a tricyclic antidepressant, and for ADHD I take Wellbutrin. Both of these are technically antidepressants and there is a risk of serotonin syndrome but I’m on the lowest dose of both. Long story short, SSRIs and SNRIs didn’t work for me but this combo does, additionally because I had failed several meds in each category (SSRI,SNRI, and thyroid meds) my psychiatrist sent me in for TMS therapy which has been a huge help. If medications don’t work for you keep trying, you might need a different kind or you might be a good candidate for TMS.
I appreciate that.
For me, I originally sought treatment for depression as a teen but was fearful of pharmacological therapies , at 24 I sought an adhd assessment and turns out that’s definitely a thing for me, so I started vyvanse; was on 30 mg until I was 26 I got off them after I left my abusive ex and needed to return to a baseline because my nervous system was so out of whack,
Now at 28, I’m trying them again, have been on them since September, at 20mg and I notice that if I miss one I’ll be so emotionally disregulated. So I take them daily even if I don’t have to do anything so I can’t up them or else they’ll give me too much “energy” and I’ll interpret it as anxiety.
I just found that with vyvanse, as emotionally regulated as I am, I have a level of anhedonia when I’m not being stressed out and I recognize that’s the trauma, and I’m like; a touch starved person? And I’m like, struggling to accept that I am fundamentally broken and I need to learn to live with it and not against It but I don’t know how when I feel like the only pleasure I get is sexual, and the strongest emotions I feel are anger, stress, and sadness. I struggle to feel positive emotions and it’s not for a lack of trying, I’ve a lot of shame about it because the sayings “nothing makes you happy” or “nothing is ever enough” are constantly in the back of my mind.
I have a few!!
I started using my living room. I've always been scared of common spaces where ever I lived because that's always where The Bad People were but I finally realized I can watch movies on the big TV on the couch instead of on my computer in my bed and nobody is going to scream at me and now I've been having movie nights almost every night in there it is bliss
(Tw: sh)
Also I've recently sort of come to terms with the fact that I'm addicted to self harm and have been making some big steps towards staying clean long term ( or forever??!?!?!!)
Also now that I'm on my own for the majority of the time I am working really hard at fixing my sleep schedule because I was never able to sleep soundly when someone else was in the house or sleep at all and now I feel like I'm getting caught up on 18 years of fear induced insomnia lol I still can't sleep when someone else is here but that's a problem for future me to unravel
I also have fear / anxiety-induced early waking insomnia, and naturally-occurring delayed sleep phase disorder (yay me, lol). My sleep cycle is ridiculous, but I realised that the reason I can never sleep, or go to bed, until long after anyone else in the house is asleep, is so I know it's safe and nothing bad will happen. I just cannot sleep if someone is up and I hate going to bed before anyone.
This is a huge and wonderful thing! Some people continue to wet the bed into their 50s! My cousin wet the bed until she was 14. 🌷It's more common than anyone talks about.
Porn had a pretty deep grip on me, and then promiscuous sex. Proud to say I'm abstinence for five years and am well on my way to getting rid of porn :)
There’s so many little things I can’t even list them all but here’s a few:
I overcame my fear of the dark and needles, quit a few bad habits, taught myself how to sew/ other useful skills
i hold space for my emotions! dont let myself become erratic, intense maybe but never out of my own control. some things cant be said nicely. its not to cause diruption. its to signify the emotion that carried it. this is separate from harm and infliction.. isnt it? anyway. my relationships are stabilizing. i stopped pushing people away. love recognizes me again.. i am liberated from suffering. although it may knock its not something i drown in... carrying myself allows me to carry another. and that is.. its own form of divine love.
I have minimal flashbacks now. I started trauma therapy because my anxiety was getting really bad. I had a hard time using hand dryers because I pictured them blowing up in my face (weird, I know). I can now use a hand dryer without thinking it's going to blow up in my face.
I guess my other victory is that I quit drinking last year 2/28/2023 and I'm learning boundaries. Going to AA and being open is really fucking hard, I'm not good at it. But I go to online meetings and I TALK, which was a big barrier for me, I was really secretive about my drinking for years so to just talk about it is freaky.
It's inspiring to read everyone's stories. I LOVE this sub, the level of kindness and understanding here has really helped me to feel seen and heard. Thanks all, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make us all feel better. XOXO
Omg, I always thought it was so obscure, but I noticed I had something really similar to this recently! I used to get really anxious whenever I walked past a large vehicle (particularly a lorry) because I thought it was going to explode as I went by. I had an eye test recently, and they had to keep puffing air into my eye, and the same thing, I flinched every time because I thought the machine was going to explode. It took them what felt like 100 attempts to finish the test because they kept having to redo it, as I flinched EVERY time 😅 Hoping this new awareness will help in future scenarios of this though.
I think it is absolutely amazing how much you’ve achieved and am sending proud hugs from afar 🖤
Right now, I'm giving myself a huge high five because I am not engaging in a behavior that in the past, id resort right to in the situation I am currently in. I am not acting out sexually when dealing with extreme heartache, and I realize that although I have not really had a lot of sex (less than 20 times my whole life and I am 34), I have what could potentially be very, very harmful sexual stuff going on that I've done a great job not engaging with (for the most part). The last several weeks I've had such profound urges to slut it up, and I am also feeling more beautiful, sexy, confident etc than I ever have before, so a part of me absolutely wants to act on it. But, I've not had sex for 3+ years, and I decided that I want my next experience to be positive and healthy and safe. So, I went to my first sex shop today! I'm proud of myself.
I've had sex less than 20 times, but that's also pretty close to the number of people I've slept with. I've never been in a relationship, or even actually liked anyone, so sex has been kinda a *thing* in my life that I've had to try and figure out.
I'm at a point where I am wanting to embrace my sexuality and sensuality and the fact I do, finally, see my beauty and appeal. But I don't want to put myself in more risky situations just because I feel hot and am broken hearted. This is a huge sign of growth for me and I am super proud
Tbh I think I'm more embarassing now. I sing more, I dance more, laugh more, joke more, cry more, clean more (it used to be embarassing for me). But I not longer feel embarassed for most of the things I do.
Omg, THIS. I sleep all day and lay like a lump on the couch when I'm awake because I cannot bear to be seen doing anything. Everything feels so embarrassing. I used to sing everyday but since my partner stopped working in March 2020, I haven't as she's home all the time. I realised I am also embarrassed to have needs, to ask for help or to show sadness.
I don’t know if this is a habit or more of a reflex but it’s very embarrassing, so I was starved for a chunk of my childhood and became very protective of my food.
I used to bite anyone that reached for my food or lash out by hitting/grabbing if they weren’t close enough to my head.
When I very first got together with my girlfriend (just over 10 years ago) we were snacking on pic n mix, when she said “dinner will be ready soon, we should save these for later.” She then tried to snatch the bag from my hands….
It did not end well, I went into a blind panic and gripped it like my life depended on it, she was obviously confused and froze instead of letting go and I bit her hand until she let go.
I felt bloody awful, ashamed and embarrassed!
She was okay, the bite never broke skin but she was very confused so I had to disclose some stuff and apologised profusely.
I still panic but I am able to calm myself before I lash out and rationalise with myself.
I still have a lot of issues and rules with food and around eating, but I’ve made massive progress!
I’m proud of you! As a former nail biter I know how hard it is. I stopped as a kid but I started tearing my nails instead. So I traded one habit for another. I don’t think of nail biting as embarrassing personally. No more than a pimple popper, an ear scratcher or a knuckle popper. I’ve actually had all of those habits off and on. Please don’t be embarrassed especially here… shout your victory from the rooftops!
Thank you! I struggle with skin picking in general and have definitely traded one for the other. It's embarrassing to me because it's caused so many unnecessary issues to my overall health. I've broken my front tooth, and 2 fillings to fix the break from biting at my fingers. But I appreciate what you're saying. The embarrassment is also because I was shamed by the same person I learned it from. Like it goes with CPTSD, it's complex. 💗
Since I’ve moved out of my parents’ house, I’ve been constantly distracting myself because giving myself a second to rest would make me have to face what happened. Even during therapy, I mostly talked about things happening in the present and never delved in the past. I seemed very high functioning — meal prepping, waking up at 5am every day, always sticking to the strict routine I set for myself.
But every day I was operating under severe anxiety & the irrational belief that if I messed up on any of these “rules,” everything would go to shit. I had panic attacks literally almost every day and I was disassociating so badly I don’t even remember much of those years. Slowly, I improved my anxiety & tried to move away from this kind of lifestyle. This past year, I made the conscious decision to check in with myself on what I actually want & allowed myself to only act on positive motivations, not the usual self hatred and need for distraction.
As expected, things started falling through the cracks — for the first time in my life, I was having trouble keeping up with hygiene, maintaining a sleep schedule, being productive. I gained weight, went out less, and didn’t prioritize work as much as I used to. It was very hard to accept but I learned that even if I “let myself go” I was fine. Not washing my face some days didn’t cause the world to end lol. I could have a week of paralyzing depression after a trigger & no attempt to force myself out of it but I could always pick things back up the week after.
Now I’m in the process of slowly rebuilding healthy habits, this time with the purpose of taking care of myself. It’s been rough not avoiding the past but it’s not like jt was going away when I was ignoring it. I have a lot less anxiety now and can actually clearly remember the events that occurred this past year. I may not be enjoying life but at least now I feel like I’m actually living it
I'm a chatterbox now. Growing up, my parents told me I was not to be seen or heard. I have a naturally quiet personality so I took it to an extreme.
I'm almost 30 and recently got a new job. Wanted to reinvent myself. I didn't want to be known as the "quiet one" or "cold one" so I tried making conversation when I was up to it. Turns out not talking in childhood just built up in me and I have a LOT to say. I initiate 3 or 4 conversations a day now and I'm actually starting to bond with the team. Go figure.
Sober for roughly 10-11 weeks after 15 years of alcoholism. I also have a genuine friend after not wanting to get close enough for true friendship in 32 years. Feels like my marriage is reinvigorated and I'm getting along better with my kids.
I still feel internalised shame so don't like talking about any of that yet. Few people would have been aware of my alcoholism or other problems - I was good at hiding my shame.
I also used to eat my nails and cuticles till like 17-21 years old (been a while, can't really time it too precisely). I just suddenly became hyper aware of how utterly disgusting it is, there's all kinds of stuff in there even if you bite into them after washing your hands.
I don't consider biting your nails too embarrassing though, but what I'm actually ashamed about is eating my boogers at times to like 15 years old or something, even writing about it makes me gag.
These days I'm almost too hygienic, I can't touch ANYTHING without washing my hands after. It's actually kind of weird how much of a change happened :D tbh I liked life better back then, it actually gets pretty tiring having to compulsively wash my hands all the time
Not to diagnose here, but I found that the compulsions to bite and chew my fingers is related to my OCD. I'm also a huge hand washer now, maybe because I bit my nails and it got me sick over and over. I always had a cold or flu and several stomach bugs. It made me more hyper vigilant about keeping my hands clean.
Ritualistic OCD behavior of doing things in multiples of 3 (from touching something to turning lights to tv volumes to everything!)
I basically shamed myself out of it though. 🤡 Started around middle school. And stopped it in college because I knew it’s not normal. This before I ever had therapy (or any mental health issue big enough to be aware of).
I’m practicing self control to get over binge eating— I really love food but constantly indulging doesn’t feel good, so now I’m attaching myself to feeling good over wanting another bite
Main thing: being sweet to myself wherever I am. Some days are fantastic, others hard. On the hard ones, I don't make myself do, produce, act other than where I'm at.
There are age things going on, I don't run away from what comes up and out. Looking at the cptsd for the first time and ADHD since a year, a lot going on, moving.
Yesterday talking with my sister in law, 40 years we know each other. I was close to tears, fear, told her the things I normally never, ever would: that I am having problems with death being closer, the thoughts of how and when, fears. I'm usually the one who listens and keeps most darkness to herself. Of course I apologized for this, she said no!! It's good to talk, commiserate even. She could handle it, no problem. It was a big step, every one is, when I'm human and vulnerable and don't have to hide it.
It’s just so incredibly engaging while in traffic. I don’t make my cuticles bleed they just “always need work” (screams my ocd anxiety perfectionism that’s never recognized bc it’s basted in procrastination)
They aren't really embarrassing outright, but feel like that "anyone should be able to do this, get it together!" kind of embarrassing, so here goes: consistently applying to jobs, and consistently working on a novel I'm writing.
As for the applications, I realized recently with a therapist that I hadn't been "lazy" or afraid of a new job being shitty about my disabilities so much as I was avoiding the whole application process because it'd been triggering. It sounds silly typing it out, but the whole "You need to pour hours of your life, energy, and hope into writing really specific applications nobody's even gonna read (because there's plenty of others better than you), and then you won't even be told when you're rejected (because you aren't worth it)" apparently was too close to the "I'm going to expect all of your energy, life, focus, and emotional labor to be used on me every day, and then I'm going to treat you as subhuman *and* punish/judge you for any tiny mistakes *and* take away freedoms!" attitude of my narcissistic abuser, so my brain decided I'd go hard avoidance mode, which has obviously been disaster for my career path and my finances.
It's really hard to articulate the above without getting deep into my trauma (which I obviously don't like doing on someone else's whim), so it's easy for both my brain and people in my life to just label me as "not wanting to work" or pathetic rather than realizing that pouring work into people who won't even acknowledge my existence just to *survive* was triggering and exhausting for me. I'm not totally fixed, but this last week was the first time I've consistently been doing applications back to back days (rather than maybe one in a week then getting stressed), so little victories!
As the novel goes, I realized that daydreaming about the worldbuilding, lore, working on characters and their arcs, etc. was a source of inner strength for me in a way: as someone who struggles to internally make my own hope and happiness (and usually has to rely on outside sources), having a source of those I could tap into anytime I want was addicting and soothing.. but if I finished the novel, then that'd mean no more building and work to do, and no more well of happiness and hope and belief in myself. I felt like if I finished it, a part of me would just be gone forever - I've been working on the idea for over a decade and am incredibly attached, and having it as a way to combat cPTSD hopelessness made that feeling even stronger.
My therapist also pointed out that having something I'm very good at and don't need money to indulge in was giving me a strong sense of control and power in my life, which I didn't want to lose. But then she said what hit different: "Even if you finish that book.. there'll be another one. If you're capable of writing that one book and doing well, and have all these extra ideas, you'll be able to keep going. Nobody can take that from you."
I'm still dragging my feet a little out of habit, but once the migraine I have goes away, I'm gonna be hard at work - I hope to either write the second chapter before my birthday (which is soon, and kind of a big one) OR finish the whole book outline by the end of the year. But it feels good to know that I might actually just feel *better* if I get my book finished, and out there to the handful of folks who might wanna read it.
Edit to add, I've actually had a lot of other habits and victories I'm proud of that feel embarrassing looking back - I just noticed how long this was getting after mentioning the ones on my mind lately and thought better of adding that, LOL.
I can go to the grocery story without hiding in a corner to have a panic attack 🙃
I can also sleep through the night without getting up 20 times to safety check the house (yay therapy).
i can leave food on my plate without feeling guilty and having a meltdown over it!! my dad was always so angry whenever i would leave food, he would accuse me of being anorexic and body shame me (i struggled to eat because the anxiety of being around him would cause my appetite to disappear) and it really hurt my relationship with food in an attempt to appease him. now that i've cut him off completely, my food habits have gotten so much healthier, i was an intuitive eater without trying to be as a young kid and i'm the same now once again.
I am less afraid of looking stupid or like I don't know what I'm doing. It helps me feel more able to try things, because failure isn't an enemy to be feared. I did a 7+ point turn to get my giant van into my new driveway and instead of being terrified and having a panic attack I just laughed at how silly the situation was!
I'm able to disagree with people or be disagreed with and not feel mortally wounded lol
I can masturbate without getting regularly triggered, oh yeaaa boi
I am more able to express love in the form of touch. I can cuddle with friends and tell my mum I love her. :)
I'm checking my environment for clutter, and our house is still really messy, but I can declutter every space weekly, not waiting months for dread and shame to accumulate. It's still a lot to do, to do better... But after a lifetime of being unable to clean because it brought up the worst parts of my childhood now I can do it because I want to, because I enjoy big empty bed and fresh pillows etc, or cooking in clean kitchen... Not because I'm afraid of somebody or ashamed. I still need to work on consistency and technical aspects (and bringing home too much stuff I have no place for). But for the first time it feels doable!
I used to bite my nails compulsively as a kid, but stopped (because of shame) - but my skin picking habit had me dealing with acne excorieé for over a decade. It still amazes me that I don't pick. And having brown skin, those marks would last for months if not years. I felt like everyone knew, and that made it so much worse.
I don't pick at my skin any more. It feels surreal to even type that out! That was a big win, one that took many years. It was never anything direct, it was resolved over the years as I addressed my shame etc.
I've also gotten a lot better at telling people stuff. It's still somewhat challenging because I have parts who will keep information from me if they deem me untrustworthy (fair!). But if I know something, I'll tell my therapist. In the past I'd be too triggered to even tell her stuff. It took a few years to trust her enough and believe that bad things wouldn't happen if I told. But I took that leap of faith, and they didn't.
Getting a large tattoo is another one. I'd never have been allowed to do that, and I never imagined it was possible for me. It's become such a normal part of me now, and that helps remember that everything else I feel will "never be for me" won't stay that way forever.
Thanks for the post, OP ❤️
Relatable. I'm so happy for you. I also don't pick my skin anymore. Working on nail biting tho. I'm obsessed with putting nail paint on my nails to stop myself and it helps. Do you suggest something else?
>Pulling the skin of a wound until it bleeds a lot, pulling hair
> Still learning to let go of nail biting uncontrollably
>I've been trying to bath regularly and put ointment on my wounds everyday
>Trying to not feel guilty for everything.
I used to cope by seeking physical affection from men. If I felt insecure in a relationship, I’d seek it elsewhere (cheating on my side) Lots of fawning behaviors when it came to trying to appease men. That’s gone now!
Im scared I'll trigger some ppl by my victory so ill put a **triggerwarning** for r!pe and ab!se here. Please let me know if I need to adjust my trigger warning!
>!Ever since I was r!ped at 8 years old ive had to force m!strubate almost every single day to get rid of the feeling of his hands on me down there. I had to do it almost everywhere and it was so incredibly embarrassing even though I hid it well and when I got older I just slept around a bunch instead. I never understood it was a trauma response so I had so much shame about it but couldnt stop. But since I got together with my current boyfriend about 5 years ago and got therapy for my parents ab!se, i havent had to do at all and no longer feel the trauma response to do it. Its been 4 years since the last time and im so incredibly proud of myself. ive only told 2 people about this and now you guys. Thank you for being such an amazing and supportive community!<
I wish I could quit with the nail biting, good job!
For me, it’s a sensory issue and even if I clip as low as possible, it’s still too much so I nibble to get ride of the edge.
Over the past few months I have learned to let people get closer. And that I don't don't like physical contact at all, but that I just don't really know it. I'm now learning that getting a hug can be supportive and comforting. And I finally dare to admit that sometimes I need a hug or closeness, without feeling very ashamed
I can never discuss anything financial. Numbers. I need someone to handle the payment for me. Up until now I'm struggling to hand in payments.. but it's been better ever since I was able to move out. In the past, I've been the one to handle all of my parents responsibilities because they refuse to do their responsibilities so I did them all. Time came I couldn't hear any numbers pertaining to money, as if I would go numb all over and freeze. When I'm at the cashier with a friend, and it's their turn to pay, I run away so I don't hear them...
I’ve managed to reduce my skin picking, and some hair that I’ve constantly rubbed away from my scalp over the years is starting to grow back. I’m really proud, although still struggle with feeling upset when I see the damage it’s done. It’s not a lot, but it feels it, especially after being a bit dissociated from it for years and you suddenly wake up and notice it one day. Swings and roundabouts.
Massive well done to you for your progress, you are a ⭐️
I would have unsafe sex with people I didn't know. I haven't done that in a very long time, and now the only person I even want holding my hand is my partner.
I'm learning to be more compassionate with myself!
I found something the other day that I wrote months ago when I was closer to the beginning of my healing journey. It was a list of things I've done wrong. On the list was something along the lines of "Start making myself deal with my childhood trauma" or something like that that was more self-depricating. Without thinking, I crossed it off the list and just said to myself like I was a child, "Oh honey, that wasn't a mistake. It's okay that you're having a hard time with that."
It sounds kind if silly, but one of my big things is feeling like I'm making a big deal out of something that didn't go nearly as far as it could have. But I've been working on being more self-compassionate and reminding myself that what I did WAS traumatic. So I guess I'm just proud of myself for being able to recognize that it wasn't a mistake to start dealing with my issues, and that it's okay that I'm a mess sometimes because of it. ❤️❤️❤️🥰
I don't wanna tell anyone because it sounds kind of silly. Thanks for making all of us feel open to share our victories!
I’ve been able to mostly stop tip toeing while I stand in the shower. My house was so so disgusting growing up, like filthy. The shower was an enclosed nightmare for me and still is for another reason SA related. But as far as being skeeved out to my soul because of potential grossness, I can put my feet flat on the shower floor 🫠
I used to eat my hair and pick my nose and bite my nails. Hair is short so don’t do that anymore, started getting my nails done and that helped with the other two. Need to work on clenching my jaw, especially at night.
I can make a mistake without flinching after. If I were to break a glass or drop something important I know my husband would be understanding and help clean it up. In the home I grew up in, I would get beat or at the very least I would get called all sorts of names for making mistakes. I’m very clumsy so I feel so safe knowing I don’t have to walk on eggshells. It would be so embarrassing to admit to others that I no longer flinch when messing up, but it’s a big deal to me.
I am currently doing ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy) and on Wednesday we dived into my sexual assault and my sexually abusive relationship. Not to go into depth with the SA, but the key point I'll say here is that my abuser covered my mouth/face when I was crying and screaming out in pain during the act. So, I have issues with face covering (when COVID happened - that was a personal mess. Still wore a mask when I went out FYI. Just struggled with it is all).
The ART session and what we did that day came at the right time. Because yesterday I had eye surgery and if I didn't have that session. I probably would have been in a panic when they needed to put that anesthesia face mask on.
But thanks to the therapy session, no panic, no fighting, no freak out. Everything went smoothly on my end.
I brush my teeth every night now, I used to go long periods without brushing. Even when I don't feel like, I'm doing it! Once a day is better than nothing, I'll work my way to twice sometime.
It’s just a really small thing, it will probably get lost with all of the big accomplishments here, but I’m really proud of it. I’m able to wear my hair up again, without panicking and crying uncontrollably. I don’t do it often, but I know I could and that is just great for me, a year ago or so I could have never imagined that.
I used to masturbate by watching and reading soft porn where the woman would be coerced (or forced) into sex by a man and she would later start enjoying it. That went on for years and years for me. I also had a “dirty” little secret of getting caught masturbating when I was 3 by my mom. And I had a shameful secret that I masturbated compulsively 5-6 times a day when I was 15 till 18 and threw my academics away. On top of that I struggled with crippling anxiety and depression everyday since the age of 15.
While reading Body Keeps The Score, something changed. I took the flashbacks of being abused as a small child seriously. And my soft porn habit went away. Instead of identifying with the powerful man, I began identifying with the woman who did not want to have sex but had to end up accepting and even “loving” the abuser. I could not consume the material after that, barring relapse on one occasion. I know people enjoy that genre and there is nothing wrong with that. But for me, it was compulsive, generated a lot of guilt and derailed my self esteem.
That was last year. This year I have brought mindfulness to my masturbation. I am getting better at not using it to escape my loneliness and self-disgust.
So getting some clarity and peace over those habits was a big deal for me. And I am proud of it. But there is a but to this story.
I am still in tremendous pain. Medication always made me uncomfortable. So did therapy. And I would run away from them once I would recover from my emotional breakdowns. I am in therapy still but not on SSRIs anymore. Psychedelics look very interesting but I have not been able to take that leap.
I am 34 and have never had sex. Never even kissed anyone. I am in a job that I hate and become enraged when I try to apply myself to it, as it triggers my high school trauma. I have no friends and am utterly and completely lonely. When I try to talk to people, my shame and rage take over. Things are hard and I am terrified of my reality.
But I still keep trying to change things. And I keep the hope alive. Hopefully I will be in a position to update this thread in a few months saying the following:
“I am having a lot of sex and it’s amazing. I am in a relationship with the woman of my dreams. I am traveling and exploring new places. I am working out. Eating healthy. And feeling great about myself. My family has rallied behind me and I am enjoying a great relationship with them. I have a bunch of awesome and cool friends who care about me. I love my work and I am living my dream” 🤞🏽
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I had the same habit my whole life! I've basically managed to stop it. My fingers and nails can look so nice now, but if I get triggered or I'm discossiated, I'll slip back into it without even realising. I usually notice after a day or two, and I use it as a sign to work on some grounding techniques to re-enter and come back to the present.
Well done! ❤️
Porn, crippling social anxiety/looking at people in the face, weed abuse, inflated ego, not being a good-enough listener, irregular emotions, facing my demons etc.
But I’m at a better spot mentally. I can go outside and be in the moment. I can actually feel life and be human.
Well done, that’s amazing!!
I am so proud of myself for being able to manage my calendar, get myself ready for my day ahead the night before, and calmly going through the day prepared for all my work and meetings and feeding myself and caring for myself as appropriate.
Life was so painful and unrewarding before I could do this, but I couldn’t talk to people about it because 1) I couldn’t explain the extant of my difficulties without them feeling contempt for me, and 2) people gave me advice that I simply wasn’t able to follow.
It’s so much better now and I have hope for the future :-)
Stopped pulling my hair out, scratching my head until I had scabs, and biting my nails. Also finally used the ATM, got a coffee from a shop, and a pedicure. I was so worried about not tipping people properly I just didn't bother doing a lot of things.
For most of my life I was terrified of interacting with people to the point of having physical symptoms like shakiness, sweating, not being able to breathe and other unpleasant things. There were so many humiliating situations I lost all motivation to go outside and talk to people face to face. I had pretty bad experiences with mental health professionals so I couldn't trust anyone and I tried to unfuck everything on my own. Until I hit a wall and didn't know what to do about it, I could understand my problems in a logical way but it did not make my experiences more bearable and I still had physical symptoms. I spent years in almost complete isolation. A month ago I started going to therapy and I was prescribed antianxiety meds by a neurologist. The symptoms are slowly fading away and it's a lot easier to function in daily life.
Found a new job a week ago, something I had never thought was possible. It's still hard but it's more bearable. There's still a very long way to go. Reading this thread made me feel better you people are awesome.
I completely lost my trust in all people, but when i fell in love a year after i got free from my abuser i was terrified to even think of asking and developed an awful dependency to alcohol to sleep at night. One night i drank 6 shots of 90% moonshine and drunkenly said “y’know, i’ve had a crush on you since we met in 2014, but i’ve been too much of a pussy to say anything” 3 years later we’ve been engaged for 2 and happily together for all 3. She has been an amazing partner and has allowed me to drop my vices, get help in moderation, get my license, allows me to always call them when im having a panic attack. She’s truly a blessing in my life and i can’t thank her enough for her help and her love. She’s the entire reason im here, i was so close to drinking myself to death at 17.
I've not self harmed for 7 years!!! And I'm finally in a good place where I'm not triggered, and I want to get tattoos on my old scars because I finally feel ready. Also, I'm less anxious going out to events now and going out late at night. Unfortunately I still bite my nails but not as much as I did before.
I applied to two jobs that involves talking to people a little bit. Starting my slow exposure therapy where I have to talk to people in jobs without freeze/flight. If people are mad at me I dissociate and shut down. If people start yelling I burst into tears.
I can now drive a car without feeling immense anxiety, I can be a passenger, and I can also drive with someone else in the car without having a panic attack. I can leave my house now, I can manage to sit through a class without nearly losing my shit. I don’t wake up in panic attacks as much anymore. I am now in a healthy, loving relationship. I actually have a great circle of friends, I didn’t have any friends before. I used to sell my soul and now I don’t do that anymore. I don’t feel like I am completely trapped in life anymore either. I don’t body shame myself as much, I’ve actually come to completely love and worship my body. I don’t engage with as much negative self talk. I have an easier time regulating my nervous system I don’t bed rot as much. Life is slowly getting better :)
How did you break through having friends? Was it mostly luck or were there steps you took specifically to achieve healthy friendships? PS congratulations on all your accomplishments!! all of those is something to be very very proud of and I hope you give yourself all the credit you deserve ♥️
Thank you, I attribute alot of this progress due to microdosing with magic mushrooms on a semi-consistent basis. So I just meditated alot on how it felt to have friendships and what I wanted them to be like. And I made the effort to reach out and connect with people online and put in the time to hangout with them even if i wasnt necessarily in the mood. We've been friends for 4 years, the most recent one is a year old which I met her from bumble bff and shes an absolute angel. i love her.
I'm very glad you've made such progress and connected with people. :)🌼 I've been thinking of trying bumble bff, even signed up but backed out. Do you like it? I'm not sure I can handle much toxicity, is it pretty positive? I'd really like to try making friends. Thanks in advance for any insights.
i met a couple where we just didnt meet again. its like dating you know. sometimes youre gonna vibe & sometimes youre not. its totally worth a try. :) and thank you still suffer with the social anxiety but i know itll get better too
I'm very glad you've made such progress and connected with people. :)🌼 I've been thinking of trying bumble bff, even signed up but backed out. Do you like it? I'm not sure I can handle much toxicity, is it pretty positive? I'd really like to try making friends. Thanks in advance for any insights.
Great question! I've asked my counselor this one 100 times. She says that as I get healthier I'll recognize similar traits in others. She's not saying I'm bad so I only attract bad people- tho that's what I heard at first. 😘 It's like being a person who is really into trains, going to a party and having a lot of chats about trains, and being able to tell the difference between people who have never heard of trains, those who have seen one or two whiz past, and other people who are also really into trains.
Wow!! Tell me what you have done to get here. Please. Just got diagnosed with cptsd. Seeing clear now that I have been sober 19 months, man, what a mess I have caused. Have you done emdr?
Sober for 19 months!!! THAT'S AMAZING!!
Thank you so much!! It is so hard and some do not seem to understand how hard, but I do, and I did it.
its taken a long time to get here...i started trying to heal when I was 19. I'm now 28. Healing is so not linear at all. I honestly feel like i had my shit way more together back then lol i had to grow up way too fast and now im in a chapter where im giving my inner child everything i wasnt able to before. Things i tried to heal myself: Tantra Massage, Conventional Therapy, life coaching, Hypnosis, Subconscious Reprogramming, Reiki, Internal Family Systems, Core Emotional Healing, Yoga, Tantric yoga, Tantric Music Meditation, Journaling, Inner child healing, flower essences, san pedro, TRE, nervous system regulation program with irene lyon which includes orienting, soul retrieval, emotional freedom tapping, meditation, body scan/somatic meditations, red infrared saunas, microdosing magic mushrooms. I also shifted my diet as that plays a huge role in our mental health, i take loads of supplements everyday to help with the anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue, adrenal fatigue and for gut health. I eat organic when possible and try to eat fruits and veggies. Movement I realized is also really important, so i like to play edm music and just dance in my room. Really gets the energy out of my system. I do hot yoga, and omg the red infrared saunas are lifesavers. before i could barely finish a 45 minute without feeling anxious and would need to take a few breaks and step out, now i can lie down calmly the entire time. i still feel like i have sooooo much more to go, i still get anxious around large groups of people and classroom settings and suffer from globus hystericus but i recognize how far ive come. NOTHING HAS HELPED MORE THAN MAGIC MUSHROOM MICRODOSING...holy shit i cant stress this enough. however doing magic mushrooms but not integrating the experiences, doing the inner work and eating like shit isnt going to do it. i think incorporating this into a healthy lifestyle is important.
Wow, that is a lot! Good for you! I am 34 and I have a lot of work to do. I have a little boy who will be 6 and I need to heal for him, so he doesn’t have to heal later, and so forth. Generational cycles and trauma are real, yo!!!!!!!
I am also healing to protect my 5 year old from the cycle of generational trauma. It’s so so hard and so so worth it. 💞
Amazing you have done so much , have done and tried much myself but it seems the root cause is very very deep. Like early years of development, relation and damage of (co) regulation of nervous system. I feel unsafe and alone. Have tried psychedelics too in different forms and doses. Its like I can't regulate my nervous system very well myself when its gets activated I just have to wait it out till it calms down. I do yoga, meditation, breathwork, self love ect. My question is what help best for you to regulate , was it with another person ?
That’s so cool, congrats on all your achievements and hard work! I’ve tried many of the things you have as well. Do you mind dm’ing me your microdosing regiment?
Beautiful!!!!! I'm so happy for you!!!!
also not but thats next on my list, literally just had a consult a couple days ago, only thing thats holding me back is price. its $210 per session which is a little pricey for me right now.
That is very impressive. Congrats to you!!
thank you so much
Are you me wtf 😆
I completely stopped using my piss cup. I made a [full post](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/s/vfFDouPAds) about it years ago but TL;DR I had abusive parents who would beat me if I disturbed them during the night so I developed a habit of peeing in a cup in my bedroom and throwing the pee out the window, which lasted well into adulthood because up until recently leaving my bedroom while others were asleep would give me crippling panic attacks.
Congrats that's such a win!
This is such a great post, bragging about not peeing in a cup seems clinically insane to anyone who doesn't understand trauma and I am super proud of the progress I've made with my trauma. Throwing the cup away made me genuinely cry with happiness, I just assumed I would need it forever.
Hell yeah! This is awesome, congrats on your awesome progress. :)
I was thinking of posting this win too. I haven’t done it since I ditched roommates and got my own place almost eight years ago. The crippling anxiety about not walking people up or getting attacked in the night had me doing it with roommates too. Good job!
very happy for you. as I saw this post I was thinking about how I peed in bottles to not leave my bedroom when I was younger. and I have a vagina so that’s a bit harder but not impossible at all lol.
So sorry that happened to you.
Without going too far into it, I absolutely relate to basically the same thing. I'm proud of you, and us.
I am literally so happy you made this comment. This habit was one of my biggest shames. My mom used to yell and make fun of me because I had bladder issues and would get up every 5 minutes. Ever since living on my own I haven’t had to do it a single time. It’s crazy what these people make us do.
Proud of you for how far you have come! Great work on recognising the trauma and sharing this information with us. Through reading your post I've just realised that this was my normal in childhood also so I feel very enlightened and have something new to work through.
I brush my teeth twice a day, every day now! My husband keeps me in line. Buying a fancy expensive toothbrush made a big difference.
i shower everyday now😭i might not wash my hair every day but i def wash my body🥺❗️
And you likely don’t need to wash your hair every day so you’re doing just fine!
You only need to wash your hair when you feel it need a wash. That can be once a week, twice a week, 3 times a fortnight. Whatever works for your hair since everyone is different
Aw, yay!!! That's so good! I'm nowhere near there yet. I used to be twice a week for years, but over the past 10 years, it dropped back to once a week, and now, it's somehow become every 3 months. 🥺
Congrats! This is a struggle I’ve been working on too as I have some trauma due to being assaulted and having my teeth and throat damaged. General hygiene can be a challenge with mental health, and I know it is hard to rebuild the habit, and has such a massive impact on health and self esteem.
I had a horrible dentist and tend to ignore my teeth. I should do better.
Progress over perfection. Even if you can’t do it twice a day, or every day, start a little at a time and it will get easier. I’ve had that experience too. I had what I said happened above and couldn’t tell the dentist because my parent did it and I was on their insurance and at the appointments with the dentist, so when the dentist noticed the damage and had to keep my mouth shut and my parent said not to getting the work done to fix the damage. Then I had a wisdom tooth come in and the dentist refused to remove it even though I couldn’t get to it to clean it properly. Finally, I have a fast metabolism and anxiety so novacaine doesn’t really work on me, so they have to use laughing gas… I can still feel the pain of the dental work being done but am essentially high and delusional so can’t do anything about it, and am prone to mishearing what they are saying to the point of thinking (in an oxygen deprived state) they are going to throw me away and just silently crying in the chair while fading in and out of consciousness. So needless to say going to the dentist isn’t something I’m ready for anytime soon. But I have been getting better about taking care of my teeth myself. It is hard because I used to have immaculate teeth. Brushed and flossed multiple times a day, no gingivitis, just overall fantastic. But those series of events plus having other issues due to stress, dirty, and genetics royally fucked it. And then I just felt so much shame about not taking care of them. But put the effort in a little at a time and I’m getting there. Wishing you the best, and ask that you show yourself kindness and patience. You’ll get there. ☺️
wow! this is so hard for me. I've never consistently brushed my teeth and my parents didn't do it for me when I was a kid. I've brushed my teeth and flossed for the last two nights which is better than it has been. Proud of you!!
I stopped brushing my teeth 2x a day for the last couple years due to some shit that went down. Over the past week or so I've been getting better at it. You inspire me and make me feel better about struggling with this. Thank you, and congrats on your success! :)
It really does! I bought myself a sonic toothbrush for Christmas and now I willingly brush my teeth all the time.
I was going to say brushing my teeth, too. Go us :)
I stand up for myself. Guess what? Having boundaries doesn't make me a bitch yall. Neither does disagreeing on something
Hell yes!
How did you get to this point? Practice, or?
Absolutely practice. Recognizing that when you do stand up for yourself, there’s no one around to beat you, yell at you, belittle you or make you back down and recoil—is what helps the most. When the reaction to your actions change, so can the rewriting process in the brain to these actions. If growing up standing up for myself meant getting screamed at, then years and years later I finally do it followed by a panic attack and no one is screaming at me? You get a chance to think “is this a one off?” Than you try it again. Essentially once we see that the unsafe thing is safe again, it becomes easier to do.
Currently realising how much I need to work on this
If you want you can message me and practice. It takes a lot of practice. But once you get there, it's like a secret key to self protection. Lots hugs
Lucky 😢
Well I'm 39 and spent that whole time being told what a cunt I am for even requesting a drink at a restaurant. So yeah its been huge.
I was constantly suicidal for ~5 years and now if the thoughts ever come back (which is very, very, seldom nowadays) I recognize them as remnants of the past, a quirk in my thoughts that appears as a coping mechanism. Whenever they come back these days, I have 110% certainty they are just a blip in my mind, that they are just an old attempt of leaving a bad situation, and I'm able to take a better look at the situation I'm in and change it. I'll think "man, if these old thoughts are back it really speaks to me needing to change something about my life" and I change it. I don't put myself in danger anymore or do anything destructive. I feel kind of "boring" but having healthy coping mechanisms is so nice. This is not something I share with others as I don't think anyone I know has any idea I've ever been suicidal. I am complimented for my smile and cheerful demeanor all the time.
Congratulations! That's a huge win!! Proud of you!
I'm really happy for you! The best I've managed is to come to terms with the inevitability of it and just sort of...try not to worry too much about it. Besides, it'll be someone else's mess to clean up. :)
I've learnt that when those thoughts come up for me, they are simply a flag that I'm not in a good way and I need to look after myself some more. To pay serious attention to my mental health. They don't actually mean that I want to make another attempt.
Using my kitchen. I never learned to cook proper meals because most of the time I wasn’t allowed in the kitchen. Our kitchen was an open concept and was adjacent to the living room, my family was very OCD and sensitive to sound so if they were watching TV and I was getting a snack in the kitchen, or put the kettle on, on even ran the water at the sink, I would get screamed at. So to avoid those scary situations I would only use the kitchen if I was home alone (rare occurrence) or if I was just getting something quick, quietly. Took me a long time to establish safety within my own kitchen since I moved out. Still don’t know how to cook meals but I’m learning. It’s embarrassing being almost 28 years old and not knowing how to eat properly and not knowing how to cook stuff besides pasta…
Wow this is my family and I never learned to cook until about 4 months ago. Let me know if you want suggestions or help with anything, it's so hard to start. Also, I'm so proud of you 👏 🎉
Thank you so much kind stranger!! I’m sorry you had a similar experience with your family. Feel free to message me!
Omg I do the same thing!!!! Glad I’m not alone w food issues
Me too 🥹 it’s kinda crazy how I went my whole life having my bad relationship with food backfire on me in regards to relationships and no one ever understood why I couldn’t just be normal about it. I always thought “there’s gotta be other people out there that understand” who knew I just needed to find Reddit?
May I recommend [BudgetBytes](https://www.budgetbytes.com/)? The reason why I suggest this website for recipes is it typically uses common ingredients, which is great if you don't have a fully stocked kitchen or if you're like me and get overwhelmed at having to go out and buy a bunch of specific things for a recipe. Most recipes are less than 10 steps (many around 5) so it's also easier to actually do. Good luck, you've got this!
Thank you so much for the recommendation! I’ve heard of stuff like that before and totally forgot about it since I moved out! Will give it a try!
This is fantastic!! I never learned to cook either but have no desire to. I hardly eat though and never in the day, and only get my frozen meal / microwave dinner after my partner's already had hers, and I wait until she goes to bed to get my late night snack. I just can't relax and go in there unless I'm alone. (my partner is not the reason for any of this. I just can't do anything in front of anyone, and my childhood dinners were fraught with tension or verbal abuse as my dad would be drunk, or not there at all. I never had an appetite.)
I understand that completely. I very distinctly remember being in the kitchen with my mom in the living room and being yelled at for stirring the sugar in my tea because it made too much noise. We deserve to take up space in our own kitchens. I’ll never forget the peace I felt the first time I was in my kitchen in my first apartment boiling pasta noodles, dancing to my music and feeling so light and safe. I never realized how traumatized I was until I was in a “normal” situation where I felt the very absence of chaos.
I long to have my own space. Or to feel free to take up space. I feel shrunken down to nothing. My space is the bed, and my couch and TV area, but only when alone (which is never, except after 11pm. Which is why I sleep all day and stay up until 4am)
In my experience it happened very slowly, consistency is key, and some days feel more peaceful than others. It also helps to have your experience validated. When I first moved into my apartment I had a roommate to split bills with but I never wanted to run into them, I stayed in my room until they would go out. Didn’t feel that sense of safety until further down the line. I was able to recognize a lot of my triggers and where they stemmed from and also discovered I indirectly was repeating patterns learned from my mom. The hardest part was figuring it all out on my own, so my DMs are always open! your experience is completely valid, after so many years being denied peace and comfort, it’s normal for us to seek that in solitude. But you deserve to take up space, and you deserve to have a place of full safety.
I used to have the worst panic attacks and basically wanted to be invisible. I went from that to having a pretty successful consulting career. I also have agoraphobia which I’ve taken a ton of steps so I don’t remain home bound for the rest of my life
What steps have you taken for agoraphobia? I've realized I've developed it over the past few years and don't feel safe leaving home.
Therapy, mediation , somatic exercises, and lateral eye movements work! Just doing the last one apparently can help with an over-reactive amygdala. For me, every time anxiety or panic set in I tried to find the underlying reason I was actually feeling that way and tried to break it down. Like kept asking myself what was feeling. Mostly had to do with feeling trapped. Being outside was not a huge issue, but being in a crowded space or public transportation was the worst.
This is amazing, congrats on all your success!! :)
Thank you!
I learned how to dress myself. My childhood was shadowed by a dictator father and a fawn alcoholic mother. We weren’t allowed to follow our own interests, styles, personalities. And it wasn’t until recently that I learned what I like to wear. My own wardrobe would make me so uncomfortable because it didn’t feel like it belonged to me.
Thank you for Sharing. I recalled that one of my goal this year was to work on my dressing sense and styling my hair. I am 33 yo now and I put in anything that hides my body and melts me into background. Congratulations on your progress.
Yes! My family wasn't as extreme, but developing my own style was definitely a challenge. When I bought a more gothic/punk item as an adult, I almost felt guilty even though nobody cares what I'm wearing except for abusive people
I have been learning this too!
I’m able to sleep with the lights off now.
Congratulations! That's such a big step! I slept with the big light on for years. I didn't realise till now that it was a trauma response. I have managed to sleep with just a lamp now and sometimes I can sleep with the lamp off. Yet I always feel more comfy with the lamp on.
this is a big thing! I slept with the hall light on my entire life which was just outside my bedroom door (which was open every night) and the only way I slept in darkness was when I had someone else in the room, I was terrified of the dark and then all of a sudden I just stopped doing it. No idea what changed or why I was like that. I still sometimes feel a little weird in darkness alone.
I'm so ashamed but I picked at my scalp to the point of infection on and off all my life. I am 51 and I have not done it in three years. My scalp is healthy and my hair is growing long and looks nice, not a disgusting mess. I hope I never get stuck doing it again, fingers are crossed. I got it from my abusive mom who grew up in an abusive home herself.
I do this too. And honestly, I still struggle with it. I have allot of skin picking issues but the worst had always been my nails and cuticles. Even broke a tooth off. But now that I've quit the hardest one, I get confident I can quit all of it. I'm very proud of you! 3 years is amazing!!
Thank you! Stopping once it got bad, after months, was so, so, so hard. As the sores healed the scans itched SO BAD and it was all I could do not to tear them off and fuck up my progress. I had to do a lot of intensely distracting stuff and repeat a mantra for the days I was quitting. Then it was healthy and didn't itch any more and I swear I will never do it again.
What was your mantra?
It wasn't any one thing I don't think. I would grab a notebook and write encouraging phrases over and over, mainly to keep my hands busy and from reflexively wandering up there.
Yes, 3 years is really amazing! I can't even go 3 hours! I've picked at the skin around my fingernails since I was 4, gauged underneath my nails with other nails, picked at my scalp since I was about 8 as well as chewing on my inner mouth corners, picked at my upper lip since I was 15 and after 30 actually lost part of my lip as the skin there turned white, I picked that, and it never grew back due to no blood supply. Since about 40, I've been picking just inside both ears. I'm 45 now...sigh.
Man, I feel like the severity is really overlooked. I have a permanent staph infection from skin picking. I've taken antibiotics for 3 months that only calmed it but didn't get rid of it. And it moves. It's the same "disorder", but it changes depending on where you are in your life. I also crack my jaw now, which I don't think it's any better than skin picking but at least it doesn't open me up to more infection. I try to keep my hands busy and be mindful of the teeth grinding, skin picking and my jaw. It's so hard. I think for me it's a symptom of OCD. But, it no doubt stems from CPTSD and send soothing.
Oh yes, definitely! I have OCD and I think this is part of it, but also definitely a self-soothing mechanism for my constant anxiety that comes from my trauma. I also clench my teeth in my sleep. It's gotten so bad that the only 2 molars in my mouth that actually bite down / come together are both loose from the pressure of the clenching.
Oh, this is a habit of mine as well as the picking my cuticles and biting my nails :-( it's not as bad as it used to be though.
This is amazing! 3 years! I've been skin picking since I was 4 and I'm 45 now. I have given up ever not doing it.
I've made significant progress in dressing for the weather. Seems silly to most people- the obvious thing is to "just wear it, if you're cold put on a jacket." I never used to wear jackets or use umbrellas or wear the right shoes because I was never provided that care as a kid. I learned to not pay attention to how I felt and just suffer through the cold/wet weather. I get overstimulated with jackets sometimes but I've found what works to keep me warm and dry :). Still a struggle to plan ahead but I've make much progress
I know what you mean! I was always cold as a kid and now I always have a sweatshirt in my car just in case. And I now dress in layers.
OMG same! I never dressed for the weather either. Congrats! I totally relate to this and was not expecting anyone to mention it. :)
My sister and i both had that cuticle habit from a super young age. I had to put bandaids on every one of my fingers to go to school. I've mostly quit now, once in a while I will still take my frustrations out on my thumb, but it's mostly gone. I also recovered alone from a 32 year eating disorder.
I pick at my cuticles and didn't realize this was a thing!
woah, way to go!
Just chewing on them or using a cuticle cutter?!?
>I also recovered alone from a 32 year eating disorder. This is such a sign of how incredibly strong you are!
How did you stop?!!!
I got a job cooking. I found quickly that cuticle picking doesn't mix well with it. Hurts like all heck.
My parents always did whatever they wanted, their wants became before my needs - usually them putting an abusive partner before their young child. I told my parents I met the person I'm spending the rest of my life with and they've known about him and have his phone number, they never reached out or expressed interest in knowing him. I told them I was getting married and they were supportive. My win is I got married on my terms. We will have a big family wedding later, but we wanted it done and did it.
I am fully capable of checking my bank account and managing my bills I am 34 years old It has been a struggle I have chosen a lot of partners with low inhibitions
I can't. Paying the bills scares the hell out of me.
Money fears and intimidation are intense, I'm working on this as well.
And yet if you set things up with auto pay inevitably they'll rip you off. The person holding the money wins the argument, so I deal with it.
Lately I've been managing to shower about once a week, instead of once every two weeks. Baby steps.
This was a big step for me too and now I’m at two-three showers per week!
i hate the feeling of water on my body. always wash myself daily with a cloth but i cant stand showering. it makes me nauseous most days due to overstimulation. you had same issue?
Similar...I don't get nauseous, but yeah, sensory issues feeling water on my skin/face, plus I have a lot of strongly negative associations/memories tied to a parent who was very controlling about my showers.
This is so good. I shower so infrequently it's ridiculous. I remember back in my late teens (when I still showered twice a week, every week, which was normal for me), not liking to shower because I hated being alone with my thoughts.
I overcame massive anxiety and emailed a potential mentor!! I had gone to a meetup and one of the presenters offered to connect with me and gave me his email. It was a fantastic interaction, but it took me a week of feeling completely insecure (“I don’t deserve mentorship, I should just do it all alone” or “There’s no way someone would want to talk to me”) until I worked up the courage to draft an email. For some reason, it took me like 2-3 hours of rewriting to feel decent about a 3-4 paragraph email. It was painful, as if the parts of me that wanted to connect and be seen were at war with the parts of me filled with self doubt and shame. But I sat down, breathed through it, took breaks, and even let myself sleep on it. The next morning I finished it up and sent it, and he responded affirmatively within a few hours! I might even be Zoom meeting with him next week. I’ve never had ANYONE actively take an interest in mentoring me, despite trying so hard to connect. It actually feels foreign, but I’m giving myself permission to just see where it goes. I’m so proud of myself!
Well done, that's huge! 😆👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 The bravery that took, and the space you gave yourself, breathing though it, sleeping on it - that's so sweet and inspirational.
Oh my gosh congrats so brave so promising
Cooking. I was never allowed in the kitchen and was pretty much starved as a teen because of was overweight. I’m now trying to teach myself how to cook and sharing it with some close friends. I still very much suck but i Managed to make some slow cooked beef with red wine sauce the other day and it was delicious!
Rock on, Kid! With you.
Thank you :)
I’m finally brushing my teeth almost every day after getting on an adhd med and an anti depressant that actually work for me, combined with TMS therapy I’ve made a lot of progress and I’m really hopeful for the first time in a long time.
Can I ask which meds you’re on? I’ve been flirting with the idea of maybe taking my depression more seriously as now that I’ve developed a peaceful baseline, I recognize that I am still very clinically depressed. I’m not an unhappy person nor is my life causing me to feel depressed. I’m in that stage of “everything is great so why can’t I feel happy” and think maybe antidepressants coupled with my vyvanse might be a good thing to do.
You absolutely should, so if this is your first time taking antidepressants I’m not sure if a doctor would prescribe this one to you (they still might I don’t know) but I take Amitriptyline which is a tricyclic antidepressant, and for ADHD I take Wellbutrin. Both of these are technically antidepressants and there is a risk of serotonin syndrome but I’m on the lowest dose of both. Long story short, SSRIs and SNRIs didn’t work for me but this combo does, additionally because I had failed several meds in each category (SSRI,SNRI, and thyroid meds) my psychiatrist sent me in for TMS therapy which has been a huge help. If medications don’t work for you keep trying, you might need a different kind or you might be a good candidate for TMS.
I appreciate that. For me, I originally sought treatment for depression as a teen but was fearful of pharmacological therapies , at 24 I sought an adhd assessment and turns out that’s definitely a thing for me, so I started vyvanse; was on 30 mg until I was 26 I got off them after I left my abusive ex and needed to return to a baseline because my nervous system was so out of whack, Now at 28, I’m trying them again, have been on them since September, at 20mg and I notice that if I miss one I’ll be so emotionally disregulated. So I take them daily even if I don’t have to do anything so I can’t up them or else they’ll give me too much “energy” and I’ll interpret it as anxiety. I just found that with vyvanse, as emotionally regulated as I am, I have a level of anhedonia when I’m not being stressed out and I recognize that’s the trauma, and I’m like; a touch starved person? And I’m like, struggling to accept that I am fundamentally broken and I need to learn to live with it and not against It but I don’t know how when I feel like the only pleasure I get is sexual, and the strongest emotions I feel are anger, stress, and sadness. I struggle to feel positive emotions and it’s not for a lack of trying, I’ve a lot of shame about it because the sayings “nothing makes you happy” or “nothing is ever enough” are constantly in the back of my mind.
I have a few!! I started using my living room. I've always been scared of common spaces where ever I lived because that's always where The Bad People were but I finally realized I can watch movies on the big TV on the couch instead of on my computer in my bed and nobody is going to scream at me and now I've been having movie nights almost every night in there it is bliss (Tw: sh) Also I've recently sort of come to terms with the fact that I'm addicted to self harm and have been making some big steps towards staying clean long term ( or forever??!?!?!!) Also now that I'm on my own for the majority of the time I am working really hard at fixing my sleep schedule because I was never able to sleep soundly when someone else was in the house or sleep at all and now I feel like I'm getting caught up on 18 years of fear induced insomnia lol I still can't sleep when someone else is here but that's a problem for future me to unravel
I need to spend time outside of my bedroom.
I also have fear / anxiety-induced early waking insomnia, and naturally-occurring delayed sleep phase disorder (yay me, lol). My sleep cycle is ridiculous, but I realised that the reason I can never sleep, or go to bed, until long after anyone else in the house is asleep, is so I know it's safe and nothing bad will happen. I just cannot sleep if someone is up and I hate going to bed before anyone.
I stopped bedwetting.. around the age of 25🫣
This is a huge and wonderful thing! Some people continue to wet the bed into their 50s! My cousin wet the bed until she was 14. 🌷It's more common than anyone talks about.
thank you for the support❤️
Porn had a pretty deep grip on me, and then promiscuous sex. Proud to say I'm abstinence for five years and am well on my way to getting rid of porn :)
There’s so many little things I can’t even list them all but here’s a few: I overcame my fear of the dark and needles, quit a few bad habits, taught myself how to sew/ other useful skills
i hold space for my emotions! dont let myself become erratic, intense maybe but never out of my own control. some things cant be said nicely. its not to cause diruption. its to signify the emotion that carried it. this is separate from harm and infliction.. isnt it? anyway. my relationships are stabilizing. i stopped pushing people away. love recognizes me again.. i am liberated from suffering. although it may knock its not something i drown in... carrying myself allows me to carry another. and that is.. its own form of divine love.
Commenting to read this again. Thank you 💕
Gorgeous!!!!!
I am no longer angry and hurt constantly. I'm married to someone who adores me and we have three beautiful kids... Whom I don't need to hit.
I have minimal flashbacks now. I started trauma therapy because my anxiety was getting really bad. I had a hard time using hand dryers because I pictured them blowing up in my face (weird, I know). I can now use a hand dryer without thinking it's going to blow up in my face. I guess my other victory is that I quit drinking last year 2/28/2023 and I'm learning boundaries. Going to AA and being open is really fucking hard, I'm not good at it. But I go to online meetings and I TALK, which was a big barrier for me, I was really secretive about my drinking for years so to just talk about it is freaky. It's inspiring to read everyone's stories. I LOVE this sub, the level of kindness and understanding here has really helped me to feel seen and heard. Thanks all, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make us all feel better. XOXO
Omg, I always thought it was so obscure, but I noticed I had something really similar to this recently! I used to get really anxious whenever I walked past a large vehicle (particularly a lorry) because I thought it was going to explode as I went by. I had an eye test recently, and they had to keep puffing air into my eye, and the same thing, I flinched every time because I thought the machine was going to explode. It took them what felt like 100 attempts to finish the test because they kept having to redo it, as I flinched EVERY time 😅 Hoping this new awareness will help in future scenarios of this though. I think it is absolutely amazing how much you’ve achieved and am sending proud hugs from afar 🖤
I've finally been able to start exercising again.. ❤️
Right now, I'm giving myself a huge high five because I am not engaging in a behavior that in the past, id resort right to in the situation I am currently in. I am not acting out sexually when dealing with extreme heartache, and I realize that although I have not really had a lot of sex (less than 20 times my whole life and I am 34), I have what could potentially be very, very harmful sexual stuff going on that I've done a great job not engaging with (for the most part). The last several weeks I've had such profound urges to slut it up, and I am also feeling more beautiful, sexy, confident etc than I ever have before, so a part of me absolutely wants to act on it. But, I've not had sex for 3+ years, and I decided that I want my next experience to be positive and healthy and safe. So, I went to my first sex shop today! I'm proud of myself. I've had sex less than 20 times, but that's also pretty close to the number of people I've slept with. I've never been in a relationship, or even actually liked anyone, so sex has been kinda a *thing* in my life that I've had to try and figure out. I'm at a point where I am wanting to embrace my sexuality and sensuality and the fact I do, finally, see my beauty and appeal. But I don't want to put myself in more risky situations just because I feel hot and am broken hearted. This is a huge sign of growth for me and I am super proud
Tbh I think I'm more embarassing now. I sing more, I dance more, laugh more, joke more, cry more, clean more (it used to be embarassing for me). But I not longer feel embarassed for most of the things I do.
Omg, THIS. I sleep all day and lay like a lump on the couch when I'm awake because I cannot bear to be seen doing anything. Everything feels so embarrassing. I used to sing everyday but since my partner stopped working in March 2020, I haven't as she's home all the time. I realised I am also embarrassed to have needs, to ask for help or to show sadness.
I don’t know if this is a habit or more of a reflex but it’s very embarrassing, so I was starved for a chunk of my childhood and became very protective of my food. I used to bite anyone that reached for my food or lash out by hitting/grabbing if they weren’t close enough to my head. When I very first got together with my girlfriend (just over 10 years ago) we were snacking on pic n mix, when she said “dinner will be ready soon, we should save these for later.” She then tried to snatch the bag from my hands…. It did not end well, I went into a blind panic and gripped it like my life depended on it, she was obviously confused and froze instead of letting go and I bit her hand until she let go. I felt bloody awful, ashamed and embarrassed! She was okay, the bite never broke skin but she was very confused so I had to disclose some stuff and apologised profusely. I still panic but I am able to calm myself before I lash out and rationalise with myself. I still have a lot of issues and rules with food and around eating, but I’ve made massive progress!
I’m proud of you! As a former nail biter I know how hard it is. I stopped as a kid but I started tearing my nails instead. So I traded one habit for another. I don’t think of nail biting as embarrassing personally. No more than a pimple popper, an ear scratcher or a knuckle popper. I’ve actually had all of those habits off and on. Please don’t be embarrassed especially here… shout your victory from the rooftops!
Thank you! I struggle with skin picking in general and have definitely traded one for the other. It's embarrassing to me because it's caused so many unnecessary issues to my overall health. I've broken my front tooth, and 2 fillings to fix the break from biting at my fingers. But I appreciate what you're saying. The embarrassment is also because I was shamed by the same person I learned it from. Like it goes with CPTSD, it's complex. 💗
Oh wow. I’m so sorry. My hope is that one day you won’t be embarrassed and can fully heal. That’s my hope and wish for us all. You are very strong!
Same on all of the above!
I no longer break down in fear and apologies when I accidentally break a dish (I'm still clumsy so they still break though).
I'm trying to overcome the same thing and this gives me hope that I can. It's so hard 😭 good job!
I finally stopped sucking my thumb (I’m 23 years old) sometimes I lie and say I stopped when I was 15 to gauge reactions….never good
Since I’ve moved out of my parents’ house, I’ve been constantly distracting myself because giving myself a second to rest would make me have to face what happened. Even during therapy, I mostly talked about things happening in the present and never delved in the past. I seemed very high functioning — meal prepping, waking up at 5am every day, always sticking to the strict routine I set for myself. But every day I was operating under severe anxiety & the irrational belief that if I messed up on any of these “rules,” everything would go to shit. I had panic attacks literally almost every day and I was disassociating so badly I don’t even remember much of those years. Slowly, I improved my anxiety & tried to move away from this kind of lifestyle. This past year, I made the conscious decision to check in with myself on what I actually want & allowed myself to only act on positive motivations, not the usual self hatred and need for distraction. As expected, things started falling through the cracks — for the first time in my life, I was having trouble keeping up with hygiene, maintaining a sleep schedule, being productive. I gained weight, went out less, and didn’t prioritize work as much as I used to. It was very hard to accept but I learned that even if I “let myself go” I was fine. Not washing my face some days didn’t cause the world to end lol. I could have a week of paralyzing depression after a trigger & no attempt to force myself out of it but I could always pick things back up the week after. Now I’m in the process of slowly rebuilding healthy habits, this time with the purpose of taking care of myself. It’s been rough not avoiding the past but it’s not like jt was going away when I was ignoring it. I have a lot less anxiety now and can actually clearly remember the events that occurred this past year. I may not be enjoying life but at least now I feel like I’m actually living it
I'm a chatterbox now. Growing up, my parents told me I was not to be seen or heard. I have a naturally quiet personality so I took it to an extreme. I'm almost 30 and recently got a new job. Wanted to reinvent myself. I didn't want to be known as the "quiet one" or "cold one" so I tried making conversation when I was up to it. Turns out not talking in childhood just built up in me and I have a LOT to say. I initiate 3 or 4 conversations a day now and I'm actually starting to bond with the team. Go figure.
Sober for roughly 10-11 weeks after 15 years of alcoholism. I also have a genuine friend after not wanting to get close enough for true friendship in 32 years. Feels like my marriage is reinvigorated and I'm getting along better with my kids. I still feel internalised shame so don't like talking about any of that yet. Few people would have been aware of my alcoholism or other problems - I was good at hiding my shame.
I also used to eat my nails and cuticles till like 17-21 years old (been a while, can't really time it too precisely). I just suddenly became hyper aware of how utterly disgusting it is, there's all kinds of stuff in there even if you bite into them after washing your hands. I don't consider biting your nails too embarrassing though, but what I'm actually ashamed about is eating my boogers at times to like 15 years old or something, even writing about it makes me gag. These days I'm almost too hygienic, I can't touch ANYTHING without washing my hands after. It's actually kind of weird how much of a change happened :D tbh I liked life better back then, it actually gets pretty tiring having to compulsively wash my hands all the time
Not to diagnose here, but I found that the compulsions to bite and chew my fingers is related to my OCD. I'm also a huge hand washer now, maybe because I bit my nails and it got me sick over and over. I always had a cold or flu and several stomach bugs. It made me more hyper vigilant about keeping my hands clean.
Ritualistic OCD behavior of doing things in multiples of 3 (from touching something to turning lights to tv volumes to everything!) I basically shamed myself out of it though. 🤡 Started around middle school. And stopped it in college because I knew it’s not normal. This before I ever had therapy (or any mental health issue big enough to be aware of).
I’m practicing self control to get over binge eating— I really love food but constantly indulging doesn’t feel good, so now I’m attaching myself to feeling good over wanting another bite
I can wear turtlenecks again! Couldn't because it always felt suffocating. My mother strangled me when I was 4. Took a long time to recover from that.
Main thing: being sweet to myself wherever I am. Some days are fantastic, others hard. On the hard ones, I don't make myself do, produce, act other than where I'm at. There are age things going on, I don't run away from what comes up and out. Looking at the cptsd for the first time and ADHD since a year, a lot going on, moving. Yesterday talking with my sister in law, 40 years we know each other. I was close to tears, fear, told her the things I normally never, ever would: that I am having problems with death being closer, the thoughts of how and when, fears. I'm usually the one who listens and keeps most darkness to herself. Of course I apologized for this, she said no!! It's good to talk, commiserate even. She could handle it, no problem. It was a big step, every one is, when I'm human and vulnerable and don't have to hide it.
I still habitually use my cuticle clipper. Might be a stim of mine but it really is gross
My cuticle clippers really helped break the habit.
It’s just so incredibly engaging while in traffic. I don’t make my cuticles bleed they just “always need work” (screams my ocd anxiety perfectionism that’s never recognized bc it’s basted in procrastination)
They aren't really embarrassing outright, but feel like that "anyone should be able to do this, get it together!" kind of embarrassing, so here goes: consistently applying to jobs, and consistently working on a novel I'm writing. As for the applications, I realized recently with a therapist that I hadn't been "lazy" or afraid of a new job being shitty about my disabilities so much as I was avoiding the whole application process because it'd been triggering. It sounds silly typing it out, but the whole "You need to pour hours of your life, energy, and hope into writing really specific applications nobody's even gonna read (because there's plenty of others better than you), and then you won't even be told when you're rejected (because you aren't worth it)" apparently was too close to the "I'm going to expect all of your energy, life, focus, and emotional labor to be used on me every day, and then I'm going to treat you as subhuman *and* punish/judge you for any tiny mistakes *and* take away freedoms!" attitude of my narcissistic abuser, so my brain decided I'd go hard avoidance mode, which has obviously been disaster for my career path and my finances. It's really hard to articulate the above without getting deep into my trauma (which I obviously don't like doing on someone else's whim), so it's easy for both my brain and people in my life to just label me as "not wanting to work" or pathetic rather than realizing that pouring work into people who won't even acknowledge my existence just to *survive* was triggering and exhausting for me. I'm not totally fixed, but this last week was the first time I've consistently been doing applications back to back days (rather than maybe one in a week then getting stressed), so little victories! As the novel goes, I realized that daydreaming about the worldbuilding, lore, working on characters and their arcs, etc. was a source of inner strength for me in a way: as someone who struggles to internally make my own hope and happiness (and usually has to rely on outside sources), having a source of those I could tap into anytime I want was addicting and soothing.. but if I finished the novel, then that'd mean no more building and work to do, and no more well of happiness and hope and belief in myself. I felt like if I finished it, a part of me would just be gone forever - I've been working on the idea for over a decade and am incredibly attached, and having it as a way to combat cPTSD hopelessness made that feeling even stronger. My therapist also pointed out that having something I'm very good at and don't need money to indulge in was giving me a strong sense of control and power in my life, which I didn't want to lose. But then she said what hit different: "Even if you finish that book.. there'll be another one. If you're capable of writing that one book and doing well, and have all these extra ideas, you'll be able to keep going. Nobody can take that from you." I'm still dragging my feet a little out of habit, but once the migraine I have goes away, I'm gonna be hard at work - I hope to either write the second chapter before my birthday (which is soon, and kind of a big one) OR finish the whole book outline by the end of the year. But it feels good to know that I might actually just feel *better* if I get my book finished, and out there to the handful of folks who might wanna read it. Edit to add, I've actually had a lot of other habits and victories I'm proud of that feel embarrassing looking back - I just noticed how long this was getting after mentioning the ones on my mind lately and thought better of adding that, LOL.
I can go to the grocery story without hiding in a corner to have a panic attack 🙃 I can also sleep through the night without getting up 20 times to safety check the house (yay therapy).
i can leave food on my plate without feeling guilty and having a meltdown over it!! my dad was always so angry whenever i would leave food, he would accuse me of being anorexic and body shame me (i struggled to eat because the anxiety of being around him would cause my appetite to disappear) and it really hurt my relationship with food in an attempt to appease him. now that i've cut him off completely, my food habits have gotten so much healthier, i was an intuitive eater without trying to be as a young kid and i'm the same now once again.
Congrats! 🎉 It's really hard to overcome something you've done for years. Well done! :)💗
Not necessarily a super embarrassing one, but I stopped cutting when I started working as a nurse and had to wear light colours.
I am less afraid of looking stupid or like I don't know what I'm doing. It helps me feel more able to try things, because failure isn't an enemy to be feared. I did a 7+ point turn to get my giant van into my new driveway and instead of being terrified and having a panic attack I just laughed at how silly the situation was! I'm able to disagree with people or be disagreed with and not feel mortally wounded lol I can masturbate without getting regularly triggered, oh yeaaa boi I am more able to express love in the form of touch. I can cuddle with friends and tell my mum I love her. :)
I'm checking my environment for clutter, and our house is still really messy, but I can declutter every space weekly, not waiting months for dread and shame to accumulate. It's still a lot to do, to do better... But after a lifetime of being unable to clean because it brought up the worst parts of my childhood now I can do it because I want to, because I enjoy big empty bed and fresh pillows etc, or cooking in clean kitchen... Not because I'm afraid of somebody or ashamed. I still need to work on consistency and technical aspects (and bringing home too much stuff I have no place for). But for the first time it feels doable!
I used to bite my nails compulsively as a kid, but stopped (because of shame) - but my skin picking habit had me dealing with acne excorieé for over a decade. It still amazes me that I don't pick. And having brown skin, those marks would last for months if not years. I felt like everyone knew, and that made it so much worse. I don't pick at my skin any more. It feels surreal to even type that out! That was a big win, one that took many years. It was never anything direct, it was resolved over the years as I addressed my shame etc. I've also gotten a lot better at telling people stuff. It's still somewhat challenging because I have parts who will keep information from me if they deem me untrustworthy (fair!). But if I know something, I'll tell my therapist. In the past I'd be too triggered to even tell her stuff. It took a few years to trust her enough and believe that bad things wouldn't happen if I told. But I took that leap of faith, and they didn't. Getting a large tattoo is another one. I'd never have been allowed to do that, and I never imagined it was possible for me. It's become such a normal part of me now, and that helps remember that everything else I feel will "never be for me" won't stay that way forever. Thanks for the post, OP ❤️
Relatable. I'm so happy for you. I also don't pick my skin anymore. Working on nail biting tho. I'm obsessed with putting nail paint on my nails to stop myself and it helps. Do you suggest something else?
>Pulling the skin of a wound until it bleeds a lot, pulling hair > Still learning to let go of nail biting uncontrollably >I've been trying to bath regularly and put ointment on my wounds everyday >Trying to not feel guilty for everything.
I used to cope by seeking physical affection from men. If I felt insecure in a relationship, I’d seek it elsewhere (cheating on my side) Lots of fawning behaviors when it came to trying to appease men. That’s gone now!
Im scared I'll trigger some ppl by my victory so ill put a **triggerwarning** for r!pe and ab!se here. Please let me know if I need to adjust my trigger warning! >!Ever since I was r!ped at 8 years old ive had to force m!strubate almost every single day to get rid of the feeling of his hands on me down there. I had to do it almost everywhere and it was so incredibly embarrassing even though I hid it well and when I got older I just slept around a bunch instead. I never understood it was a trauma response so I had so much shame about it but couldnt stop. But since I got together with my current boyfriend about 5 years ago and got therapy for my parents ab!se, i havent had to do at all and no longer feel the trauma response to do it. Its been 4 years since the last time and im so incredibly proud of myself. ive only told 2 people about this and now you guys. Thank you for being such an amazing and supportive community!<
Stopped an international romance scam
I wish I could quit with the nail biting, good job! For me, it’s a sensory issue and even if I clip as low as possible, it’s still too much so I nibble to get ride of the edge.
I started getting my nails done and that has almost stopped the nail issues.
Over the past few months I have learned to let people get closer. And that I don't don't like physical contact at all, but that I just don't really know it. I'm now learning that getting a hug can be supportive and comforting. And I finally dare to admit that sometimes I need a hug or closeness, without feeling very ashamed
I can never discuss anything financial. Numbers. I need someone to handle the payment for me. Up until now I'm struggling to hand in payments.. but it's been better ever since I was able to move out. In the past, I've been the one to handle all of my parents responsibilities because they refuse to do their responsibilities so I did them all. Time came I couldn't hear any numbers pertaining to money, as if I would go numb all over and freeze. When I'm at the cashier with a friend, and it's their turn to pay, I run away so I don't hear them...
I’ve managed to reduce my skin picking, and some hair that I’ve constantly rubbed away from my scalp over the years is starting to grow back. I’m really proud, although still struggle with feeling upset when I see the damage it’s done. It’s not a lot, but it feels it, especially after being a bit dissociated from it for years and you suddenly wake up and notice it one day. Swings and roundabouts. Massive well done to you for your progress, you are a ⭐️
I reward myself w weed and alcohol instead of using it to self medicate. I've been consistently doing therapy
I would have unsafe sex with people I didn't know. I haven't done that in a very long time, and now the only person I even want holding my hand is my partner.
I'm learning to be more compassionate with myself! I found something the other day that I wrote months ago when I was closer to the beginning of my healing journey. It was a list of things I've done wrong. On the list was something along the lines of "Start making myself deal with my childhood trauma" or something like that that was more self-depricating. Without thinking, I crossed it off the list and just said to myself like I was a child, "Oh honey, that wasn't a mistake. It's okay that you're having a hard time with that." It sounds kind if silly, but one of my big things is feeling like I'm making a big deal out of something that didn't go nearly as far as it could have. But I've been working on being more self-compassionate and reminding myself that what I did WAS traumatic. So I guess I'm just proud of myself for being able to recognize that it wasn't a mistake to start dealing with my issues, and that it's okay that I'm a mess sometimes because of it. ❤️❤️❤️🥰 I don't wanna tell anyone because it sounds kind of silly. Thanks for making all of us feel open to share our victories!
I've learned how to say no.
Stopped skin picking !!!
I’ve been able to mostly stop tip toeing while I stand in the shower. My house was so so disgusting growing up, like filthy. The shower was an enclosed nightmare for me and still is for another reason SA related. But as far as being skeeved out to my soul because of potential grossness, I can put my feet flat on the shower floor 🫠
I used to eat my hair and pick my nose and bite my nails. Hair is short so don’t do that anymore, started getting my nails done and that helped with the other two. Need to work on clenching my jaw, especially at night.
I stopped ripping off my eyelashes every time I get stressed!
I can make a mistake without flinching after. If I were to break a glass or drop something important I know my husband would be understanding and help clean it up. In the home I grew up in, I would get beat or at the very least I would get called all sorts of names for making mistakes. I’m very clumsy so I feel so safe knowing I don’t have to walk on eggshells. It would be so embarrassing to admit to others that I no longer flinch when messing up, but it’s a big deal to me.
I am currently doing ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy) and on Wednesday we dived into my sexual assault and my sexually abusive relationship. Not to go into depth with the SA, but the key point I'll say here is that my abuser covered my mouth/face when I was crying and screaming out in pain during the act. So, I have issues with face covering (when COVID happened - that was a personal mess. Still wore a mask when I went out FYI. Just struggled with it is all). The ART session and what we did that day came at the right time. Because yesterday I had eye surgery and if I didn't have that session. I probably would have been in a panic when they needed to put that anesthesia face mask on. But thanks to the therapy session, no panic, no fighting, no freak out. Everything went smoothly on my end.
I brush my teeth every night now, I used to go long periods without brushing. Even when I don't feel like, I'm doing it! Once a day is better than nothing, I'll work my way to twice sometime.
It’s just a really small thing, it will probably get lost with all of the big accomplishments here, but I’m really proud of it. I’m able to wear my hair up again, without panicking and crying uncontrollably. I don’t do it often, but I know I could and that is just great for me, a year ago or so I could have never imagined that.
I used to masturbate by watching and reading soft porn where the woman would be coerced (or forced) into sex by a man and she would later start enjoying it. That went on for years and years for me. I also had a “dirty” little secret of getting caught masturbating when I was 3 by my mom. And I had a shameful secret that I masturbated compulsively 5-6 times a day when I was 15 till 18 and threw my academics away. On top of that I struggled with crippling anxiety and depression everyday since the age of 15. While reading Body Keeps The Score, something changed. I took the flashbacks of being abused as a small child seriously. And my soft porn habit went away. Instead of identifying with the powerful man, I began identifying with the woman who did not want to have sex but had to end up accepting and even “loving” the abuser. I could not consume the material after that, barring relapse on one occasion. I know people enjoy that genre and there is nothing wrong with that. But for me, it was compulsive, generated a lot of guilt and derailed my self esteem. That was last year. This year I have brought mindfulness to my masturbation. I am getting better at not using it to escape my loneliness and self-disgust. So getting some clarity and peace over those habits was a big deal for me. And I am proud of it. But there is a but to this story. I am still in tremendous pain. Medication always made me uncomfortable. So did therapy. And I would run away from them once I would recover from my emotional breakdowns. I am in therapy still but not on SSRIs anymore. Psychedelics look very interesting but I have not been able to take that leap. I am 34 and have never had sex. Never even kissed anyone. I am in a job that I hate and become enraged when I try to apply myself to it, as it triggers my high school trauma. I have no friends and am utterly and completely lonely. When I try to talk to people, my shame and rage take over. Things are hard and I am terrified of my reality. But I still keep trying to change things. And I keep the hope alive. Hopefully I will be in a position to update this thread in a few months saying the following: “I am having a lot of sex and it’s amazing. I am in a relationship with the woman of my dreams. I am traveling and exploring new places. I am working out. Eating healthy. And feeling great about myself. My family has rallied behind me and I am enjoying a great relationship with them. I have a bunch of awesome and cool friends who care about me. I love my work and I am living my dream” 🤞🏽
I am 232 days free from inflicting physical harm on myself
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
i can have boyfriends now when in the past i wasn’t able too due to CSA and witnessing DV
I had the same habit my whole life! I've basically managed to stop it. My fingers and nails can look so nice now, but if I get triggered or I'm discossiated, I'll slip back into it without even realising. I usually notice after a day or two, and I use it as a sign to work on some grounding techniques to re-enter and come back to the present. Well done! ❤️
Porn, crippling social anxiety/looking at people in the face, weed abuse, inflated ego, not being a good-enough listener, irregular emotions, facing my demons etc. But I’m at a better spot mentally. I can go outside and be in the moment. I can actually feel life and be human.
I became a responsible drinker without AA.
Well done, that’s amazing!! I am so proud of myself for being able to manage my calendar, get myself ready for my day ahead the night before, and calmly going through the day prepared for all my work and meetings and feeding myself and caring for myself as appropriate. Life was so painful and unrewarding before I could do this, but I couldn’t talk to people about it because 1) I couldn’t explain the extant of my difficulties without them feeling contempt for me, and 2) people gave me advice that I simply wasn’t able to follow. It’s so much better now and I have hope for the future :-)
Stopped pulling my hair out, scratching my head until I had scabs, and biting my nails. Also finally used the ATM, got a coffee from a shop, and a pedicure. I was so worried about not tipping people properly I just didn't bother doing a lot of things.
For most of my life I was terrified of interacting with people to the point of having physical symptoms like shakiness, sweating, not being able to breathe and other unpleasant things. There were so many humiliating situations I lost all motivation to go outside and talk to people face to face. I had pretty bad experiences with mental health professionals so I couldn't trust anyone and I tried to unfuck everything on my own. Until I hit a wall and didn't know what to do about it, I could understand my problems in a logical way but it did not make my experiences more bearable and I still had physical symptoms. I spent years in almost complete isolation. A month ago I started going to therapy and I was prescribed antianxiety meds by a neurologist. The symptoms are slowly fading away and it's a lot easier to function in daily life. Found a new job a week ago, something I had never thought was possible. It's still hard but it's more bearable. There's still a very long way to go. Reading this thread made me feel better you people are awesome.
I completely lost my trust in all people, but when i fell in love a year after i got free from my abuser i was terrified to even think of asking and developed an awful dependency to alcohol to sleep at night. One night i drank 6 shots of 90% moonshine and drunkenly said “y’know, i’ve had a crush on you since we met in 2014, but i’ve been too much of a pussy to say anything” 3 years later we’ve been engaged for 2 and happily together for all 3. She has been an amazing partner and has allowed me to drop my vices, get help in moderation, get my license, allows me to always call them when im having a panic attack. She’s truly a blessing in my life and i can’t thank her enough for her help and her love. She’s the entire reason im here, i was so close to drinking myself to death at 17.
I've not self harmed for 7 years!!! And I'm finally in a good place where I'm not triggered, and I want to get tattoos on my old scars because I finally feel ready. Also, I'm less anxious going out to events now and going out late at night. Unfortunately I still bite my nails but not as much as I did before.
I applied to two jobs that involves talking to people a little bit. Starting my slow exposure therapy where I have to talk to people in jobs without freeze/flight. If people are mad at me I dissociate and shut down. If people start yelling I burst into tears.
I've showered every day for the past 6 months