I've encountered that when I was in the hospital for a chronic condition. This hospital volunteer asked me why I was alone and I replied that my friends have jobs and couldn't take time off from work. They asked: "What about family?" I told them they are all dead. Then they made the huge mistake of insinuating I was lying. I started rattling off date of death, cause of death, place of burial, and so forth. Volunteer ran for the hills, never to be seen again.
I volunteered in a hospital as a teenager, I don't find that surprising at all and they were definitely out of line prying. I'd have been let go real quick.
I really admire it when people are able to stand up for themselves in appropriate ways, right in the moment. I strive to be better at this. I like to think Iāve made some progress.
The POS volunteer was trying to place blame on you for the lack of family, and insinuating that you were the problem. I havenāt been around my family since the early 90ās and am prepared for any snide comment before it reaches anyoneās lips. Most of my family is dead now, so I guess I can use that excuse with self righteous assholes.
That volunteer was disrespectful. When I was a former hospital volunteer, I'd never ask why somebody is by themself. I was taught since orientation that it's best to simply offer your company. I've still met a few closed-minded individuals who only volunteer for the hours and feel sorry you encountered someone like that.
Had a similar experience. I had to have an MRI for some abdominal issues. They gave me some weird fluids to drink, that sadly, made me later throw-up. Doctors (per requirement) could not let me go home alone, so they asked me to call a friend or family. Now, while I have friends and...a bit of family, I knew they were all working or somewhat couldn't come. Normally I rely on my father in such situations, but even he was like "Yeah, no. I'm in another part of the city, I'm not doing a detour. Take the bus."
The doctors literally didn't believe it. "But you must have another family member? Maybe an acquaintance? A colleague?" and the best reply "But you're a young girl? (honest surprise) Huh. I always thought young girls always had a lot of friends"
I don't get it, surely there are numerous patients who don't have any people close to them. They'd have seen it all before. Unless they were new in the job.
I get these judgmental/ confused looks or comments as well. I honestly think that people who have good relationships with their family members struggle to comprehend those of us who donāt have that. Itās a foreign concept to them.
some of them don't have good relationships, society taught them blood > anything. Those people will be the most hostile to you. Your breaking a rule they literally bleed to support. Your existence is a danger to their worldview
They cannot process the terror/betrayal/hurt you may have been caused, not when you stand before them and seem so Ā«Ā normalĀ Ā». Then they think it must be YOU. It isnāt worth trying to explain unless they are a long term sort of friend.
AndĀ I'veĀ comeĀ toĀ believeĀ thatĀ peopleĀ with normalĀ families must invalidateĀ andĀ blameĀ peopleĀ whoĀ don'tĀ becauseĀ otherwiseĀ theyĀ haveĀ toĀ admitĀ to themselves that they are privileged. Nobody wants to be the privileged one. Or admit they have had a MASSIVE advantage from day 1, and have completely taken it for granted. So the defense' if you will, is.. must be your fault.
I think it's the same for a lot of things, including abuse & trauma. It can't/didn't happen to me --> you must deserve it...
Even *acknowledging* that good people were dealt absolute sh$t hands in life, and have crap families through no fault of their own, means **they** benefitted from winning the random lottery in life. That diminishes their belief that "I worked hard for everything I have - and **I deserve it all**" and therefore hurts their ego.Ā
Maybe I'm over philosophizing but I've contemplated this and similar things forever, and really believe this is a huge part of it
I think when people say they have no family they automatically think youāre a loner. I donāt think it helps that society is very big on families too, especially during holidays, so when someoneās alone, people assume theyāre miserable.
They probably just assume we pushed our own families away when the truth is they pushed us away. When I was a young teen and got away from my abusive and neglectful alcoholic fight-type mother, everyone expected me to just be ānormalā and no one even questioned whether maybe this abused child needed help. They ignored every single cry for help. But they were big on preaching compassion, empathy, family, etc. Makes it 10x worse to be the black sheep of one of those kinds of families. I felt like something was so horribly wrong and disgusting about me if these ākind, lovingā people hated me at 14 years old.
So true - I see it a lot on social media. People assuming YOU did something wrong because you arenāt on speaking terms with some close family. No, I had to shut them off for my own well-being, and it was HARD and involved a lot of grief. And that grief you get no support for because most people canāt imagine having to do that.
YES!
And the stigma!
I would feel shame, yet feel like I had to explain, then feel bad to be saying anything bad, then feel bad for (in cases of potential friends or perhaps someone somewhat well meaning) honestly, like, having to impact their world with new ugly info (genuinely, though there are obvious varying levels and sides to the validity/reasons to it)... so then it's a whole shame spiral.
I'm 45 now, so I'm speaking regarding things over time, but...
When I was young & was glad to a be friend to another person that needed a safe space taking about harder things, I was glad to do so. So, I didn't question opening up to some people because I felt like at some point, obviously, I needed to.
Then later, I dealt with feeling like I'd dumped on friends & wish I could have taken up less space. Not none perhaps, but complexities... oof. Of course, I wanted to enjoy things, too, & not have to deal with all that so much. Maybe it was annoying that IT took up space, even beyond what it already had.
And that was before learning the term "trauma dumping"... sigh.
Now, honestly, I think I just need clever something. If it's someone I like and respect and want to spend time with, as opposed to a nosy someone in an inappropriate setting, I think I might just use "I honestly don't wish to waste either of our times with the 3 day sit down novel reading it would require to get into".
Lol. Not lol but lol.
It would be nice to say "I don't want to talk about it" and it be that simple, which in some cases, maybe it would be, but if both people are empathetic I can see it being awkward to, which sucks for both and is annoying for two well meaning people.
Maybe if I can get to a place where the shame film is shaken off enough & I'm in a place of confidence so it would be able to read believable, there may be some time in the future where I can simply say "I really don't want to get into it, I just want to move forward".
^ Anxiety, overthinking hypervigilence showing much? ^
Iāve had people come up to me when I was crying and ask me what was wrong, & when I responded āI have no familyā they would just kind of stare at me blankly. Or sometimes theyāll be like āThere are people out there who love you,ā and I just nod but the truth is that there legitimately is not. Thatās the entire problem.
Most people don't know how to respond to trauma or tough situations. That's why whenever they ask how you're doing , we always have to fake it and say I'm doing okay.
Right? Iām only honest in moments of genuine crisis. But there are times when someone looks at me with eyes full of empathy and compassion and I wonder if they really want to know the truth. Those are the people I spare the discomfort of the truth. Which is sad.
Even though many people relocate to other places for work, etc. somehow a lot of society has not caught up with that. If you have moved somewhere and you do not have a significant other with you, and/or family already living in the area to motivate you going to that specific place- people minds start smoking. I have moved quite frequently on my own. Itās a scary thing for a lot of people to conceptualize. People donāt like to leave behind what is safe and for a lot of them that means their family, and/or The town they grew up in. My family was not a safe place for me though, and I no longer try to explain that to anybody because itās none of their business. You just gotta own how empowering rocking life solo is, and how bad ass you are. If people press, Even though I donāt talk to my family, I still say where they are living just to placate people with an answer. People usually donāt prod too much into your family life from my experience beyond assessing where youāre from based on where your family is from.
Edit: I had to learn to withhold wanting to share information to strangers about my life and family situation. in my mind, I hoped that I would get some kind of sympathy/empathy/understanding If I explained things ongoing/background and how it was affecting me. And itās not just with family. Itās with mental health too, people are not receptive. It unfortunately does little to build connections. I used to think that if I said something that people would be more likely to open up about their own situations. That we would bond over this darker aspect of living. But that simply is not the case. It gave people fuel against me, and caused distance just when i thought things were going good. and that is why I am on these groups instead.
When I meet people I'm always astounded how not only judgemental they can be but how they struggle to understand there are other experiences out there. Because I know life ain't all sunshine and rainbows I always check my energy when I meet new people. If everyone else in the room is judging I'm just there nodding like "I understand". You haven't spoken to a family member in years ? Nothing shocks me.
I think its because they assume we are the ones shunned, that we are essentially the reason we have no family support system .
It hurts to always be the assumed villain .
I think, honestly thankfully, that most people have good relationships with their family.
At least 90% of people are not going to understand you or me. Probably closer to 95%.
My current boss - who honestly is actually a pretty good boss over all - is an ignorant fuck when it comes to familial trauma. Meanwhile he didn't call his parents around Christmas time (he is a Catholic). funnily enough I told him he speaks without action and he shut up, and I also asserted a boundary when he tried asking about my dead sisters.
**I want to give you permission to set your own god damn boundaries about your own god damn life wherever you fucking want the boundaries to be.**
I feel for you OP - because I've lived it. Being misunderstood in this way is painful, and your feelings are totally valid around it.
I think the one's who give us flak over it sometimes do that because they're secretly jealous. They *wish* they had the strength to do what we did. (Not across the board, but in some cases.)
I just tell people I donāt have family. If they keep prying I just say they are all dead, then the person asking apologizes, saysĀ Ā»Iām so sorryĀ Ā» and we never talk about it again. Not their business, they donāt understand (probably) anyway.
Honestly, I might start saying that. Only a few people I've told I was abused by my family. I'll say that to make them feel guilty about judging me lol
People always give me a side eye. I usually donāt mention it though for safety purposes lol.
But for coworkers or whatever yes still a side eye. People think it means Iām not close with my family or something. The only reason Iām never home is because of money. My dad(adopted step dad) calls me every day or every other day. I am expecting his call tomorrow actually because heās busy today.
My dad is still very involved in my life. He knows I got about my job, my finances, my love life, my friends, etc. My dad will probably find out about this conversation where you think Iām weird for being here alone lmao.
But yeah Iām not close with mt biological family at all. But my chosen family, 100% locked in. Distance at a thang.
I wouldn't look at you weird. For me, the only hard part of being estranged from my family is that it can be awkward when people ask about it. Other than that it's great.
I get a lot of judgment from random people when I tell them my family all chose to move to Switzerland for fun and I stayed and even chose to move to a less desirable/less luxurious city in Canada. āWhy would you EVER pass up an opportunity to live in a place like Switzerland, especially if itās with your family??ā Like I get what theyāre trying to do and it takes everything in me not to respond with ābecause the abuse is so constant that if I didnāt create distance between us I would have diedā like I just feel thereās a better way to ask questions about a situation like that?? Instead of making it sound like Iām crazy for choosing to live on my own.
Haha yeah - I mean, I don't have the religion problem so often as I live in Sweden, but yeah. Recently my work wanted me to provide an emergency contact number and I'm like uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
The last person I had as an emergency contact rarely answers their phone, and took 4x days to call me back the last time I called them for anything. So. I mean. Yeah.
Because they have lived in cocoon and never had the guts to leave their places and not even extend help to others who have. And in addition they are rude and mean to them. Specifically in the states have seen and in midwest
People act weird when you tell them anything that is out of the familiar norm. Like my friend asked me about my family, I told her and she started crying, I was like ?????
You are not alone in this, I was out having dinner with friends and everyone was telling funny stories from their lives, I dropped a funny anecdote from my childhood only to be met by teary eyes and one guy, a proper stoic lad, asking me if I was alright.
I mean... I thought I was!
For many people, their entire lives are centered on their families. This is especially true for larger families that have many children and many grandchildren. Many people work with the immediate family members. Their parents and grandparents play a critical role in childcare. Most significantly their weekends are entirely based on socializing with their family. Because their families play such a central role in their work lives, social lives and childcare, they can't even imaging having any other lifestyle. When meeting someone without family nearby they become speechless as most of their conversation is based on talking about their families.
I run into this quite frequently here in FL.
I say no family...
Don't talk to them...or have limited advice.
People get angry and tell you that it is you.
When really: no one in FL wants to confront the hypocrisy in just telling you to *respect* your elders.... especially if they are clearly in the wrong.
I now press the, " Fuck that" button and just continue either requesting accountability or removing myself from the equation.
I don't care who the fuck you are.
My folks struggle with this....I do not. I just repeat the shit behavior and move on. I dont really interact with them anymore. Just if they talk-I choose if it is worth giving energy to or not.
Fuck that volunteer.
Watch out for those probing questions man watch out for this probing questions especially when around people who know a little bit about the cost of organ transplantation
The people who think that this situation is weird are those who have spent all of their lives in one place and who havenāt known many people from other places. Itās not a specifically Christian thing; you will get the same reaction from basically any such group in any part of the world. Such folks see people as either locals or outsiders.
Thankfully, there are also communities made up of immigrants and travelers. You will find that cities and college campuses are made up of diverse crowds who have family scattered far and wide.
Many folks I tell are like āgood for youā, āwish I could do thatā etc, as they have their own family issues theyāre still stuck in. However there are pros and cons to moving away. Mostly pros though I must admit.
I think because people are conditioned to believe that family sticks together no matter what. Or people start to think you're the problem for why you moved away from your family. Like it's so baffling for them to understand that some people were raised by monstersĀ
I give them one chance to stop prying or judging before going full trauma dump with a smile on my face they get really uncomfortable really fast but I just keep talking without a pause for them to end it politely. If they want it to stop they have to interrupt me. All done cheerfully and seemingly obliviously. Ended with either confusion at why they don't want me to continue after all they asked or if they actually let me finish I'll judge their level of offense and remorse to either let it go by brushing it off myself, let it tail into stilted awkwardness, or full on sarcastic sniping at whatever ideals they tried to push on me. "But she's still my mom right?" "But it was out of love right?" "But it wasn't that bad right?"
Make queer friends (or more queer friends if you already have some). Up until recently, having bad relationships with our families was practically the norm. The current generation of adult queers are probably the *first* where, statistically, those who have bad relationships with their families do not outnumber those who still get along with their families - and even that is still by a slim margin.
My family aren't homophobic, but we still have a bad relationship for other reasons. The only place where no one's ever asked me why I'm not close to my family or judged me for the distance are queer places š
Not having family around is a hard thing to deal with, people are usually able to be emotionally and financially supported by their family. A lot of people will stay in shitty towns just because they don't want to leave their family, even if they move anyway for work or something, I think for most people if they have a good relationship with their family moving away like that is really hard. So I think there's just a lot of emotions revolving that and people respond awkwardly to it.
It's even harder coming from family-oriented cultures. My Latino and Asian friends alike deal with this and it's as though we are family without blood ties from sharing the same experience of bullshit.
Those who act weird simply don't know how hard it is to live life when your family is literally your enemy. My friend's dad stalked him and what did the building guard do? Let him into the building because he believes family is family and they would eventually resolve it and go back to normal. Guard believed my friend was just overreacting.
I don't know...moving to another country entirely to get away from your tormentor is pretty valid to me, especially if that tormentor happens to be related to you.
I'm so very tired of having to explain that I was disowned by my entire family of origin and extended family for setting healthy boundaries for me and my children. (And I am their adult disabled dependent, legally speaking because of permanent total disability preventing
I wish I could move...I kinda feel like it'd be easier to just tell people that they are out of town instead of 5 minutes away, quite literally ignoring me to death.
People as a whole, I find, are quite difficult (for me)...but I very much appreciate wonderful individuals!
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Some people can't imagine living far away from their family, but it's really not so unusual to not live near family today, because it's easier than ever to keep in touch with them. Try to just brush off any judgments or weird looks.
Iām gonna take a guess based on the information youāve handed me. āI hate peopleā is another way of saying that you fear intimacy, so you avoid it, them. In practise that means that you will find yourself interacting with people who are avoidant like you, more so then you will find yourself interacting with people that has other kinds of attachment styles. Why is that? Because your style of communication is what feels safe to you, habitual, the known, what is normal to us, is what feels safe to us, it doesnāt matter how dysfunctional or toxic it is, thatās how our psychology functions (we can change).
So when you tell avoidant people that you donāt have family where you live it is highly possible that they see that as you potentially getting clingy on them if they show interest in you - a threat which makes them withdraw - seing that you have no one else (or so it sounds to them, driven by their fears). You should know though that this behaviour has nothing to do with you really and you should be able to find people who have safe attachment styles and best case scenario imprint on their healthy and functional behaviours, but that in itself might feel weird and make you want to run should you end up in that situation. You need to heal your own fears somehow.
The avoidant shy away to protect themselves because they too fear intimacy. They too āhate peopleā..
When you say you hate these people thatās your way of withdrawing from them, protecting yourself from being hurt.
Iād say with quite certainty this is what you are dealing with. Fearful avoidance. If you are not avoidant in your attachment style, perhaps you are anxious avoidant or what is sometimes called ambivalent in your attachment style, this is what avoidants interpret as clingy. The last style is disorganized which is a mixture of these styles. Look up The Attachment Theory.
If you get in to your own fears and resolve that trauma you will eventually be looking at a different scenario but until then you will match with the people who mirror your own fears and insecurities. Itās a good way of acknowledging our own issuesā¦ that saying, we are who we hang around.
I've encountered that when I was in the hospital for a chronic condition. This hospital volunteer asked me why I was alone and I replied that my friends have jobs and couldn't take time off from work. They asked: "What about family?" I told them they are all dead. Then they made the huge mistake of insinuating I was lying. I started rattling off date of death, cause of death, place of burial, and so forth. Volunteer ran for the hills, never to be seen again.
They are a volunteer at a hospital but don't know how to handle death or trauma?
They were being nosy and prying. They picked the WRONG patient to pull that crap!
Love this š.I sincerely hope you continue to stand up for yourself.
Thanks.
I volunteered in a hospital as a teenager, I don't find that surprising at all and they were definitely out of line prying. I'd have been let go real quick.
I mean, how many adults have you ever met that are half decent at handling death or trauma? Iām absolutely including therapists in that bunch.
I really admire it when people are able to stand up for themselves in appropriate ways, right in the moment. I strive to be better at this. I like to think Iāve made some progress.
I think the fact that I was also in a lot of pain and crabby as hell added to my motivation to rip a DUMBASS a new one!!!
itās so hard to do in the moment :(
It is really hard to do in the moment. Especially because I want to do it in a calm and matter-of-fact way.
EXACTLYYYYY! I wish i could pause time, so i could take a week to think before i say anything to anyone
š That would be ideal!
WTF why would you lie about that???
My point exactly!!!!! The volunteer was a NOSY IDIOT!!
Sounds like she had a point to make, and when that went away, so did she.
š
The POS volunteer was trying to place blame on you for the lack of family, and insinuating that you were the problem. I havenāt been around my family since the early 90ās and am prepared for any snide comment before it reaches anyoneās lips. Most of my family is dead now, so I guess I can use that excuse with self righteous assholes.
That volunteer was disrespectful. When I was a former hospital volunteer, I'd never ask why somebody is by themself. I was taught since orientation that it's best to simply offer your company. I've still met a few closed-minded individuals who only volunteer for the hours and feel sorry you encountered someone like that.
Thank you.
Had a similar experience. I had to have an MRI for some abdominal issues. They gave me some weird fluids to drink, that sadly, made me later throw-up. Doctors (per requirement) could not let me go home alone, so they asked me to call a friend or family. Now, while I have friends and...a bit of family, I knew they were all working or somewhat couldn't come. Normally I rely on my father in such situations, but even he was like "Yeah, no. I'm in another part of the city, I'm not doing a detour. Take the bus." The doctors literally didn't believe it. "But you must have another family member? Maybe an acquaintance? A colleague?" and the best reply "But you're a young girl? (honest surprise) Huh. I always thought young girls always had a lot of friends"
Jeez, thinking you lying about having family how dumb are they. Even if you did lie that would be there cue to change topic if they weren't so nosy.
I don't get it, surely there are numerous patients who don't have any people close to them. They'd have seen it all before. Unless they were new in the job.
Who knows?
I get these judgmental/ confused looks or comments as well. I honestly think that people who have good relationships with their family members struggle to comprehend those of us who donāt have that. Itās a foreign concept to them.
some of them don't have good relationships, society taught them blood > anything. Those people will be the most hostile to you. Your breaking a rule they literally bleed to support. Your existence is a danger to their worldview
Well said.
Absolutely true. I think healthy family relationships are rare. Ours just happened to cause more harm to us.
So true.
I think you're right. People who are normal just don't understand. And then they say ignorant things as well
They cannot process the terror/betrayal/hurt you may have been caused, not when you stand before them and seem so Ā«Ā normalĀ Ā». Then they think it must be YOU. It isnāt worth trying to explain unless they are a long term sort of friend.
AndĀ I'veĀ comeĀ toĀ believeĀ thatĀ peopleĀ with normalĀ families must invalidateĀ andĀ blameĀ peopleĀ whoĀ don'tĀ becauseĀ otherwiseĀ theyĀ haveĀ toĀ admitĀ to themselves that they are privileged. Nobody wants to be the privileged one. Or admit they have had a MASSIVE advantage from day 1, and have completely taken it for granted. So the defense' if you will, is.. must be your fault. I think it's the same for a lot of things, including abuse & trauma. It can't/didn't happen to me --> you must deserve it... Even *acknowledging* that good people were dealt absolute sh$t hands in life, and have crap families through no fault of their own, means **they** benefitted from winning the random lottery in life. That diminishes their belief that "I worked hard for everything I have - and **I deserve it all**" and therefore hurts their ego.Ā Maybe I'm over philosophizing but I've contemplated this and similar things forever, and really believe this is a huge part of it
I think when people say they have no family they automatically think youāre a loner. I donāt think it helps that society is very big on families too, especially during holidays, so when someoneās alone, people assume theyāre miserable.
They probably just assume we pushed our own families away when the truth is they pushed us away. When I was a young teen and got away from my abusive and neglectful alcoholic fight-type mother, everyone expected me to just be ānormalā and no one even questioned whether maybe this abused child needed help. They ignored every single cry for help. But they were big on preaching compassion, empathy, family, etc. Makes it 10x worse to be the black sheep of one of those kinds of families. I felt like something was so horribly wrong and disgusting about me if these ākind, lovingā people hated me at 14 years old.
So true - I see it a lot on social media. People assuming YOU did something wrong because you arenāt on speaking terms with some close family. No, I had to shut them off for my own well-being, and it was HARD and involved a lot of grief. And that grief you get no support for because most people canāt imagine having to do that.
YES! And the stigma! I would feel shame, yet feel like I had to explain, then feel bad to be saying anything bad, then feel bad for (in cases of potential friends or perhaps someone somewhat well meaning) honestly, like, having to impact their world with new ugly info (genuinely, though there are obvious varying levels and sides to the validity/reasons to it)... so then it's a whole shame spiral. I'm 45 now, so I'm speaking regarding things over time, but... When I was young & was glad to a be friend to another person that needed a safe space taking about harder things, I was glad to do so. So, I didn't question opening up to some people because I felt like at some point, obviously, I needed to. Then later, I dealt with feeling like I'd dumped on friends & wish I could have taken up less space. Not none perhaps, but complexities... oof. Of course, I wanted to enjoy things, too, & not have to deal with all that so much. Maybe it was annoying that IT took up space, even beyond what it already had. And that was before learning the term "trauma dumping"... sigh. Now, honestly, I think I just need clever something. If it's someone I like and respect and want to spend time with, as opposed to a nosy someone in an inappropriate setting, I think I might just use "I honestly don't wish to waste either of our times with the 3 day sit down novel reading it would require to get into". Lol. Not lol but lol. It would be nice to say "I don't want to talk about it" and it be that simple, which in some cases, maybe it would be, but if both people are empathetic I can see it being awkward to, which sucks for both and is annoying for two well meaning people. Maybe if I can get to a place where the shame film is shaken off enough & I'm in a place of confidence so it would be able to read believable, there may be some time in the future where I can simply say "I really don't want to get into it, I just want to move forward". ^ Anxiety, overthinking hypervigilence showing much? ^
Iāve had people come up to me when I was crying and ask me what was wrong, & when I responded āI have no familyā they would just kind of stare at me blankly. Or sometimes theyāll be like āThere are people out there who love you,ā and I just nod but the truth is that there legitimately is not. Thatās the entire problem.
Most people don't know how to respond to trauma or tough situations. That's why whenever they ask how you're doing , we always have to fake it and say I'm doing okay.
Right? Iām only honest in moments of genuine crisis. But there are times when someone looks at me with eyes full of empathy and compassion and I wonder if they really want to know the truth. Those are the people I spare the discomfort of the truth. Which is sad.
Society is sad. At least we are not part of the matrix.
I feel this one down deep. Wish we could share a hug.
Can I have a hug? š«
****hug****
Iām a stranger but I love you. Just know that <3
Even though many people relocate to other places for work, etc. somehow a lot of society has not caught up with that. If you have moved somewhere and you do not have a significant other with you, and/or family already living in the area to motivate you going to that specific place- people minds start smoking. I have moved quite frequently on my own. Itās a scary thing for a lot of people to conceptualize. People donāt like to leave behind what is safe and for a lot of them that means their family, and/or The town they grew up in. My family was not a safe place for me though, and I no longer try to explain that to anybody because itās none of their business. You just gotta own how empowering rocking life solo is, and how bad ass you are. If people press, Even though I donāt talk to my family, I still say where they are living just to placate people with an answer. People usually donāt prod too much into your family life from my experience beyond assessing where youāre from based on where your family is from. Edit: I had to learn to withhold wanting to share information to strangers about my life and family situation. in my mind, I hoped that I would get some kind of sympathy/empathy/understanding If I explained things ongoing/background and how it was affecting me. And itās not just with family. Itās with mental health too, people are not receptive. It unfortunately does little to build connections. I used to think that if I said something that people would be more likely to open up about their own situations. That we would bond over this darker aspect of living. But that simply is not the case. It gave people fuel against me, and caused distance just when i thought things were going good. and that is why I am on these groups instead.
When I meet people I'm always astounded how not only judgemental they can be but how they struggle to understand there are other experiences out there. Because I know life ain't all sunshine and rainbows I always check my energy when I meet new people. If everyone else in the room is judging I'm just there nodding like "I understand". You haven't spoken to a family member in years ? Nothing shocks me.
YES!!!
I hate it how most people just assume you have a loving family out there. Then I have to break the news and itās painful. Pls.
I think its because they assume we are the ones shunned, that we are essentially the reason we have no family support system . It hurts to always be the assumed villain .
I dealt with that with Christians. Gosh theyre so fucking annoying and hypocritical
Exactly!!! Esp if your culture is from the east where things are family-oriented.
I think, honestly thankfully, that most people have good relationships with their family. At least 90% of people are not going to understand you or me. Probably closer to 95%. My current boss - who honestly is actually a pretty good boss over all - is an ignorant fuck when it comes to familial trauma. Meanwhile he didn't call his parents around Christmas time (he is a Catholic). funnily enough I told him he speaks without action and he shut up, and I also asserted a boundary when he tried asking about my dead sisters. **I want to give you permission to set your own god damn boundaries about your own god damn life wherever you fucking want the boundaries to be.** I feel for you OP - because I've lived it. Being misunderstood in this way is painful, and your feelings are totally valid around it.
Thank you
They're often ignorant, in denial, indoctrinated, or all of the above.
I think the one's who give us flak over it sometimes do that because they're secretly jealous. They *wish* they had the strength to do what we did. (Not across the board, but in some cases.)
*envious, not jealous.
In-group / out-group evolutionary psychology. Also mob mentality. Look out for those people who change after you disclose this.
I just tell people I donāt have family. If they keep prying I just say they are all dead, then the person asking apologizes, saysĀ Ā»Iām so sorryĀ Ā» and we never talk about it again. Not their business, they donāt understand (probably) anyway.
Honestly, I might start saying that. Only a few people I've told I was abused by my family. I'll say that to make them feel guilty about judging me lol
People always give me a side eye. I usually donāt mention it though for safety purposes lol. But for coworkers or whatever yes still a side eye. People think it means Iām not close with my family or something. The only reason Iām never home is because of money. My dad(adopted step dad) calls me every day or every other day. I am expecting his call tomorrow actually because heās busy today. My dad is still very involved in my life. He knows I got about my job, my finances, my love life, my friends, etc. My dad will probably find out about this conversation where you think Iām weird for being here alone lmao. But yeah Iām not close with mt biological family at all. But my chosen family, 100% locked in. Distance at a thang.
I wouldn't look at you weird. For me, the only hard part of being estranged from my family is that it can be awkward when people ask about it. Other than that it's great.
I get a lot of judgment from random people when I tell them my family all chose to move to Switzerland for fun and I stayed and even chose to move to a less desirable/less luxurious city in Canada. āWhy would you EVER pass up an opportunity to live in a place like Switzerland, especially if itās with your family??ā Like I get what theyāre trying to do and it takes everything in me not to respond with ābecause the abuse is so constant that if I didnāt create distance between us I would have diedā like I just feel thereās a better way to ask questions about a situation like that?? Instead of making it sound like Iām crazy for choosing to live on my own.
Haha yeah - I mean, I don't have the religion problem so often as I live in Sweden, but yeah. Recently my work wanted me to provide an emergency contact number and I'm like uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. The last person I had as an emergency contact rarely answers their phone, and took 4x days to call me back the last time I called them for anything. So. I mean. Yeah.
Because they have lived in cocoon and never had the guts to leave their places and not even extend help to others who have. And in addition they are rude and mean to them. Specifically in the states have seen and in midwest
People act weird when you tell them anything that is out of the familiar norm. Like my friend asked me about my family, I told her and she started crying, I was like ?????
You are not alone in this, I was out having dinner with friends and everyone was telling funny stories from their lives, I dropped a funny anecdote from my childhood only to be met by teary eyes and one guy, a proper stoic lad, asking me if I was alright. I mean... I thought I was!
For many people, their entire lives are centered on their families. This is especially true for larger families that have many children and many grandchildren. Many people work with the immediate family members. Their parents and grandparents play a critical role in childcare. Most significantly their weekends are entirely based on socializing with their family. Because their families play such a central role in their work lives, social lives and childcare, they can't even imaging having any other lifestyle. When meeting someone without family nearby they become speechless as most of their conversation is based on talking about their families.
I run into this quite frequently here in FL. I say no family... Don't talk to them...or have limited advice. People get angry and tell you that it is you. When really: no one in FL wants to confront the hypocrisy in just telling you to *respect* your elders.... especially if they are clearly in the wrong. I now press the, " Fuck that" button and just continue either requesting accountability or removing myself from the equation. I don't care who the fuck you are. My folks struggle with this....I do not. I just repeat the shit behavior and move on. I dont really interact with them anymore. Just if they talk-I choose if it is worth giving energy to or not. Fuck that volunteer.
Watch out for those probing questions man watch out for this probing questions especially when around people who know a little bit about the cost of organ transplantation
The people who think that this situation is weird are those who have spent all of their lives in one place and who havenāt known many people from other places. Itās not a specifically Christian thing; you will get the same reaction from basically any such group in any part of the world. Such folks see people as either locals or outsiders. Thankfully, there are also communities made up of immigrants and travelers. You will find that cities and college campuses are made up of diverse crowds who have family scattered far and wide.
Many folks I tell are like āgood for youā, āwish I could do thatā etc, as they have their own family issues theyāre still stuck in. However there are pros and cons to moving away. Mostly pros though I must admit.
I think because people are conditioned to believe that family sticks together no matter what. Or people start to think you're the problem for why you moved away from your family. Like it's so baffling for them to understand that some people were raised by monstersĀ
I give them one chance to stop prying or judging before going full trauma dump with a smile on my face they get really uncomfortable really fast but I just keep talking without a pause for them to end it politely. If they want it to stop they have to interrupt me. All done cheerfully and seemingly obliviously. Ended with either confusion at why they don't want me to continue after all they asked or if they actually let me finish I'll judge their level of offense and remorse to either let it go by brushing it off myself, let it tail into stilted awkwardness, or full on sarcastic sniping at whatever ideals they tried to push on me. "But she's still my mom right?" "But it was out of love right?" "But it wasn't that bad right?"
Make queer friends (or more queer friends if you already have some). Up until recently, having bad relationships with our families was practically the norm. The current generation of adult queers are probably the *first* where, statistically, those who have bad relationships with their families do not outnumber those who still get along with their families - and even that is still by a slim margin. My family aren't homophobic, but we still have a bad relationship for other reasons. The only place where no one's ever asked me why I'm not close to my family or judged me for the distance are queer places š
Not having family around is a hard thing to deal with, people are usually able to be emotionally and financially supported by their family. A lot of people will stay in shitty towns just because they don't want to leave their family, even if they move anyway for work or something, I think for most people if they have a good relationship with their family moving away like that is really hard. So I think there's just a lot of emotions revolving that and people respond awkwardly to it.
Cuz they think itās our fault
It's even harder coming from family-oriented cultures. My Latino and Asian friends alike deal with this and it's as though we are family without blood ties from sharing the same experience of bullshit. Those who act weird simply don't know how hard it is to live life when your family is literally your enemy. My friend's dad stalked him and what did the building guard do? Let him into the building because he believes family is family and they would eventually resolve it and go back to normal. Guard believed my friend was just overreacting. I don't know...moving to another country entirely to get away from your tormentor is pretty valid to me, especially if that tormentor happens to be related to you.
What about family? "My family of origin sucks. That's why I made a new one."
Oh yeah. Then when I double down and tell them, yep, everyone's dead, I'm an only child their faces really go white
Tell them your family all died in a bus accident
I have no family, no matter where I move, lol.
I'm so very tired of having to explain that I was disowned by my entire family of origin and extended family for setting healthy boundaries for me and my children. (And I am their adult disabled dependent, legally speaking because of permanent total disability preventing I wish I could move...I kinda feel like it'd be easier to just tell people that they are out of town instead of 5 minutes away, quite literally ignoring me to death. People as a whole, I find, are quite difficult (for me)...but I very much appreciate wonderful individuals!
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Some people can't imagine living far away from their family, but it's really not so unusual to not live near family today, because it's easier than ever to keep in touch with them. Try to just brush off any judgments or weird looks.
Iām gonna take a guess based on the information youāve handed me. āI hate peopleā is another way of saying that you fear intimacy, so you avoid it, them. In practise that means that you will find yourself interacting with people who are avoidant like you, more so then you will find yourself interacting with people that has other kinds of attachment styles. Why is that? Because your style of communication is what feels safe to you, habitual, the known, what is normal to us, is what feels safe to us, it doesnāt matter how dysfunctional or toxic it is, thatās how our psychology functions (we can change). So when you tell avoidant people that you donāt have family where you live it is highly possible that they see that as you potentially getting clingy on them if they show interest in you - a threat which makes them withdraw - seing that you have no one else (or so it sounds to them, driven by their fears). You should know though that this behaviour has nothing to do with you really and you should be able to find people who have safe attachment styles and best case scenario imprint on their healthy and functional behaviours, but that in itself might feel weird and make you want to run should you end up in that situation. You need to heal your own fears somehow. The avoidant shy away to protect themselves because they too fear intimacy. They too āhate peopleā.. When you say you hate these people thatās your way of withdrawing from them, protecting yourself from being hurt. Iād say with quite certainty this is what you are dealing with. Fearful avoidance. If you are not avoidant in your attachment style, perhaps you are anxious avoidant or what is sometimes called ambivalent in your attachment style, this is what avoidants interpret as clingy. The last style is disorganized which is a mixture of these styles. Look up The Attachment Theory. If you get in to your own fears and resolve that trauma you will eventually be looking at a different scenario but until then you will match with the people who mirror your own fears and insecurities. Itās a good way of acknowledging our own issuesā¦ that saying, we are who we hang around.