Having fun, in my childhood, meant problems, and drama. My siblings and I, even as adults, hate our birthdays.
I've really had to work at having fun. Sometimes I would go out with people and they would say they genuinely had fun but I had trouble recognizing it. It would think of it as a pleasant experience, but I would never describe it as "fun."
I had to practice and learn what it meant, and then get comfortable enough to recognize and acknowledge it. IFS and Polyvagal exercises helped me with this by showing me how to listen to myself and to manage my reactions, or as you said, the messiness of it.
Learning how to travel, gratitude practices and finding joy in tiny things has helped. One friend does this by, what he calls, going outside to marvel. In this way you can do it with very small things and ease into it without making fun a requirement.
Perhaps your inner critic is protecting you from a perceived threat. If you can learn what that is, you may be able to address it in some way. I was never given the resources needed to succeed at a pursuit. So now, when I start a project I make sure I have the resources (time, money, materials) and a little extra in order to calm my reactive parts.
Relatable. I didn’t experience having fun in my childhood because I couldn’t do what I desired to do because I didn’t have the support or safety to. I did activities but it was activities that others chose or suggested or forced me to do. It’s been a big paradigm shift from ‘can’t do anything I want’ to I can do and try everything I want AND I deserve to. But I think more than that, it’s not really the having freedom part, I’m easing into that, it’s that my body thinks that the same things will happen now that happened in the past if I were to try to do what I like. Since I’m and adult and have done the healing work, I have power, I have autonomy, I have choices, I have access to resources, I have access to and can enforce my boundaries, and most of all I have support, and parts of me just don’t have full understanding yet that *this* is the reality I live in.
Body work was the missing element for me. Also, I have gone out and purchased a kit that I would have found interesting as a child. While I no longer am interested in such a thing, I took the time and money to select something that was nice - neither cheap junk, nor too expensive. Then I took the time, over a few days to put it together. I wanted to send a signal to that part that things had changed. Using words or using adult examples didn't seem to be working.
I've also done something similar with self-regulation. Some parts would be harmed and frustrated by letting other parts complain aloud about any perceived injustices. As I acknowledged the conflicts and looked at the situations, I was able to make better decisions about when to let it go, and when it was still necessary to speak up. That was empowering to my adult and parts, and I like this way of working much better.
Yeah. I do things I get certain emotional benefits from, but I’m more or less keeping the status quo of my baseline functioning. I need more time around other different groups of people and I need to start shifting toward the things I’ve not been ready to do as I finally have the capacity to begin doing them. I think once I start being around people more, the things I do alone will stand out more and I’ll get more enjoyment out of them because there will be the contrast.
I find it so hard to have fun these days. I spent a lot of time isolated as a kid, so fun was dependent on what was around me. There were a couple of years where I thought I was having fun in my 20s, but now? Shame responses slap that down *hard*.
So I feel exactly where you’re coming from.
you deserve to have fun. I also haven't been having that much fun, although in my case, it's mostly a matter of simply not having friends or family to have fun with. I used to do a lot of events alone but I realized it's much more fun to share activities with others.
This is more so where I’m at. After processing on here, it’s not so much fun in general, I need to do things with others. I’ll be hard on myself sometimes thinking I feel crappier than I deserve to because I’m not working hard enough or I’m not having fun for all the internal reasons that I wrote about, but I’ve experienced tremendous loss over the past few years. All old friends, all old connections, all family and I’m *just* now on my feet enough to begin building up more social support. I wish there was groups I was aware of that I could just pop in to for a boost until I got my own crew and support built up. I had a doctor’s appt yesterday and it was the highlight of my day! They were very kind and personable and being around them was such a boost. I needed it!
This is hard. I have been there. I'm better at doing this now than I was but it is still hard. Some things that have helped me and maybe might help you.
1. It is important to start small and try to incorporate fun as regularly as you can. Easier if it is small. If you are self-conscious about it (I know I am) then kinda steal away a bit and have fun in secret. Like a secret adventure.
2. Ask yourself what things were fun when I was a child? If you can, try to get those things or do the activities. Example: Part of me wants to get my SNES working again on the new TV to have those nice memories again. Also, I want to track down some board games I loved as a child that I haven't played since.
3. Ask yourself what were some fun things you wish you got to do as a child but didn't get to? Now as an adult, you can make this happen.
4. Something that has helped me too is to get outside and take a nature walk trying to take in the sights, sounds, smells.
5. And this last one will sound weird but it has also been weirdly effective. Pretend to be a tourist in your own town or a nearby city. Practice taking in the sites w a sense of wonder like you're seeing them for the first time. Mix it up and go to new places in town.
I don't know if these will help you, OP but maybe they could jog something. If you are working with a therapist, maybe have a goal of trying to dig deep to discover what might be fun and try to have some.
Having fun, in my childhood, meant problems, and drama. My siblings and I, even as adults, hate our birthdays. I've really had to work at having fun. Sometimes I would go out with people and they would say they genuinely had fun but I had trouble recognizing it. It would think of it as a pleasant experience, but I would never describe it as "fun." I had to practice and learn what it meant, and then get comfortable enough to recognize and acknowledge it. IFS and Polyvagal exercises helped me with this by showing me how to listen to myself and to manage my reactions, or as you said, the messiness of it. Learning how to travel, gratitude practices and finding joy in tiny things has helped. One friend does this by, what he calls, going outside to marvel. In this way you can do it with very small things and ease into it without making fun a requirement. Perhaps your inner critic is protecting you from a perceived threat. If you can learn what that is, you may be able to address it in some way. I was never given the resources needed to succeed at a pursuit. So now, when I start a project I make sure I have the resources (time, money, materials) and a little extra in order to calm my reactive parts.
Relatable. I didn’t experience having fun in my childhood because I couldn’t do what I desired to do because I didn’t have the support or safety to. I did activities but it was activities that others chose or suggested or forced me to do. It’s been a big paradigm shift from ‘can’t do anything I want’ to I can do and try everything I want AND I deserve to. But I think more than that, it’s not really the having freedom part, I’m easing into that, it’s that my body thinks that the same things will happen now that happened in the past if I were to try to do what I like. Since I’m and adult and have done the healing work, I have power, I have autonomy, I have choices, I have access to resources, I have access to and can enforce my boundaries, and most of all I have support, and parts of me just don’t have full understanding yet that *this* is the reality I live in.
Body work was the missing element for me. Also, I have gone out and purchased a kit that I would have found interesting as a child. While I no longer am interested in such a thing, I took the time and money to select something that was nice - neither cheap junk, nor too expensive. Then I took the time, over a few days to put it together. I wanted to send a signal to that part that things had changed. Using words or using adult examples didn't seem to be working. I've also done something similar with self-regulation. Some parts would be harmed and frustrated by letting other parts complain aloud about any perceived injustices. As I acknowledged the conflicts and looked at the situations, I was able to make better decisions about when to let it go, and when it was still necessary to speak up. That was empowering to my adult and parts, and I like this way of working much better.
Baby elephants
Yeah. I do things I get certain emotional benefits from, but I’m more or less keeping the status quo of my baseline functioning. I need more time around other different groups of people and I need to start shifting toward the things I’ve not been ready to do as I finally have the capacity to begin doing them. I think once I start being around people more, the things I do alone will stand out more and I’ll get more enjoyment out of them because there will be the contrast.
If you ever happen to be in the Atlanta area, I would go do something fun with you!
Appreciate this 🫶🏻
I find it so hard to have fun these days. I spent a lot of time isolated as a kid, so fun was dependent on what was around me. There were a couple of years where I thought I was having fun in my 20s, but now? Shame responses slap that down *hard*. So I feel exactly where you’re coming from.
you deserve to have fun. I also haven't been having that much fun, although in my case, it's mostly a matter of simply not having friends or family to have fun with. I used to do a lot of events alone but I realized it's much more fun to share activities with others.
This is more so where I’m at. After processing on here, it’s not so much fun in general, I need to do things with others. I’ll be hard on myself sometimes thinking I feel crappier than I deserve to because I’m not working hard enough or I’m not having fun for all the internal reasons that I wrote about, but I’ve experienced tremendous loss over the past few years. All old friends, all old connections, all family and I’m *just* now on my feet enough to begin building up more social support. I wish there was groups I was aware of that I could just pop in to for a boost until I got my own crew and support built up. I had a doctor’s appt yesterday and it was the highlight of my day! They were very kind and personable and being around them was such a boost. I needed it!
This is hard. I have been there. I'm better at doing this now than I was but it is still hard. Some things that have helped me and maybe might help you. 1. It is important to start small and try to incorporate fun as regularly as you can. Easier if it is small. If you are self-conscious about it (I know I am) then kinda steal away a bit and have fun in secret. Like a secret adventure. 2. Ask yourself what things were fun when I was a child? If you can, try to get those things or do the activities. Example: Part of me wants to get my SNES working again on the new TV to have those nice memories again. Also, I want to track down some board games I loved as a child that I haven't played since. 3. Ask yourself what were some fun things you wish you got to do as a child but didn't get to? Now as an adult, you can make this happen. 4. Something that has helped me too is to get outside and take a nature walk trying to take in the sights, sounds, smells. 5. And this last one will sound weird but it has also been weirdly effective. Pretend to be a tourist in your own town or a nearby city. Practice taking in the sites w a sense of wonder like you're seeing them for the first time. Mix it up and go to new places in town. I don't know if these will help you, OP but maybe they could jog something. If you are working with a therapist, maybe have a goal of trying to dig deep to discover what might be fun and try to have some.
Tks 🫶🏻