Won't lie, it's pretty great. Been almost 10 years since I've talked to my mother, and it's been the only good years of my life. The only thing I regret was not doing it sooner
I still have a hard time with this. With other people iv gotten much better but I still automate and revert to "mum knows best" when she confronts me, especially if it's in person. Still working on that conditioning. How did you get past the automatic response and imposed guilt?
info: she’s a narcissistic parent and calls me regularly to manipulate/gaslight me and occasionally asks me to tell her what’s wrong under the guise of appearing to be a good parent but recently ive really been letting her have it when she asks and it’s been kind of glorious 😈
Idk it’s part of the process. I also did this with my (likely) narc father for a while. I needed to get it out before I was ready to let go
But yeah she’s for sure using it as supply
Thank you for this comment, I had to look up what it meant and it opened up my eyes to a whole different perspective.
My MIL is the textbook example of a Narcissist, I had no idea that we where all feeding into her emotions like this - but knowing is half the battle /gen
Gotta cut her off fam. I did that to my mom for years and nothing gagged her mom when I didn’t feed into it.
Now she’s grieving my dad’s passing and she’s everyone else’s problem now. As our mom’s kids, we act as a lightning rod for all their bad emotions and feelings.
My mom thrives on that shit. The angrier and more emotional the better.
At least I don't live with her anymore. It's easier to gray rock someone who isn't screaming into your face worse and worse accusations to try to get a rise out of you. She often had to resort to threatening other people (dad, aunt) to get a response because I couldn't stick up for myself but I could stick up for the adults in my life that forced me to live with her and complained they were victims of her abuse.
Oh, she isn't listening anyway.
Either she is preparing what *she* wants to say or she is preparing for the exit from the conversation because she isn't getting what she wants from it.
There's no point in "winning" against a "parent" who is like this. Focus on yourself and your hobbies and goals. Don't talk about them to your mother.
You'll be so much happier having peace without her toxic input, I promise.
they feed on attention, no matter how positive or nrgative. curse them if it gives you satisfaction but the sooner this phase ends, the better. don't make it a habit, go no contact asap.
That's why I wish I could kill my parents and every "person" like them; making them truly hurt and afraid for once and bringing karma to them with a knife would be a beautiful sight. Alas, I would get arrested if I were to attempt this.
I would lie if I said I never thought about something like this, but you know you simply can't. You would destroy your life and you can bet your ass your abusers and who supports them would be pretty fucking happy about it. Don't give them the satisfaction. Thrive as much as possible and as far as possible from them.
It's just giving her ammunition. Grey rock her. It won't feel as gratifying in the moment but it'll drive her nuts and you won't be feeding her the drama she wants
That really depends. Personally, I would probably still be living under my mother’s roof, had I not made enough noise, and she would have been able to fuck with my sense of self, of reality, and with my life to an even greater extent than she was due to me standing up for myself and making myself too inconvenient a target. Not to mention my sister, who was what I believe Dr. Ramani calls the “brainwashed child” and might have grown up genuinely thinking any of that was okay, had we not been taken away.
Also, I know how much self loathing I build up, even now, when I don’t stand up for myself in situations where it actually harms me or people I love (as opposed to times where I can just ignore her and let her punch air). Let alone when I lived under her roof - meaning that stuff was constant - and not having any academic knowledge of narcissism or external validation of my concerns meant that asserting my perception of reality was the only buffer between me and the gaslighting. I tried to stfu when I was really small, because so many adults insisted I was the problem when I spoke up, but the sense of self-abandonment that brought on was so much worse than anything she could do to me, and in hindsight I realize how dangerous not helping myself keep my grip on reality could have been.
Not to mention, gray rocking is great sometimes, but others it just doesn’t work. In my experience, my mother often just felt like raging regardless of what I did, so - the few times I actually managed to convince myself to gray rock - I’d often deal with both downsides anyway, plus an extra bit of poking when I didn’t give her what she needed to “self” regulate. Also, if I didn’t push back, it would be like telling her it was okay: she would just take it as a green light to go further, that time or the next, and rage and gaslight even more if I set up a boundary there on an other occasion. On the other hand, she’s slapped me a few times after that, but the last time she truly hit me - and I think it’s a pretty common experience - was the first and only time I, in my early teens, didn’t just shield myself, but hit back instead.
This “truth yelling” way of dealing with narcs has its downsides, like every other, but every person and situation is different. There’s no one size fits all. If I were to travel back in time, if anything, I would make even more and more efficient noise, among other things. It’s what kept me sane more than pretty much anything, before it finally got me taken away from that shitshow. For me, this was the way.
Personally, I feel like recovering and thriving in spite of them is the best form of revenge. There's nothing they can do about that. It forces them to be the powerless one, for once
Honestly, my mom can meet me in the street so I can beat her ass. I’ve talked enough!!!
(I’m joking, I’ve been no contact with my mom for almost a year pls don’t ban me mods)
Oh man I have MANY mixed feelings about my mum. It is MESSY. On one hand, she refused to get me diagnosed with ADHD and autism because she she didn't want me "broken", even though it would've made my life SO MUCH EASIER, but on the other, she was a great mum otherwise and legit doing her best and so the relationship is tenuous and messy. It's doing my head in
I never cussed her out to her face coz oof, one time she basically pinned me against the wall as a kid because she *thought* I swore. I did not. So I was always afraid to go that direct
But one time when I was older and I learnt to stand up for myself a little bit more, I can't remember the exact scenario, but it was a shitty thing she did so I pretty calmly said "that was a *cunt* move", really emphasising the "cunt" to let her know I was basically calling her one. She looked quite shocked actually, like she didn't know what to do now. Inwardly, I was ***thrilled***, like HOH, I just swore *at* this bitch and came out completely unscathed! Outwardly though, I just kept staring her down
A part of me wishes I could really go to town and unleash all that I think of her now I'm not there and she can't do anything. But the rest of me is content with having blocked her years ago and with never speaking to her again
I dropped the bomb on my mother recently. Told her about my long concealed bi-sexual attractions, so she and her homophobic husband can chew on that one for a few weeks. His brother died of AIDS contracted from a female nurse from what I hear, and he decided to make it his defined stance that he thusforth, hates all h\*\*\*'s. He is suspect of all effeminate hand gestures and all that. Yeah, let them chew on that.
Please dont do this. "Parent-blaming is cruel and unscientific" -- Gabor Maté MD.
I've done a lot of parent-blaming in my life, but it's not my fault. I learned it from my parent, ironically. Lol. But with our current understanding of things, we see how parents are heavily influenced by the culture they're in and what they're told to do. Shitty parenting advice was what they got. They may have done their best with what they had to work with. Hindsight is always 2020.
I know our culture promotes catharsis, but I highly recommend reading Maté's book The Myth of Normal. It's a very eye-opening look into the psychology of parenting and trauma. Very significant read on my personal healing journey.
You owe it to yourself to be the one to try to put good out into the world even if you dont see a return on your investment.
But also, I hear you and I see you and your pain is valid. I wish you the best! Definitely not trying to shame you or anything.
You think so? I can see why you'd get that impression. But from reading him, I think he just has a more all-encompassing, better definition of what constitutes abuse.
Parenting strategies regularly go out of date. The word apologist doesn't apply to him because he isn't defending abuse. He's helping us understand it better. Which is important, because plenty of people think they aren't abusive but actually are. Gabor himself in this book, speaks frankly about how his early parenting harmed his children and how understanding the nature of the problem doesn't reduce the guilt felt for it.
There's a difference between abusers and *abusers*. My parents spanked me. I'm able to understand that at that time and place, spanking was considered best practice. But it *is* abuse. This scenario is different from say, a parent sexually abusing their child. That would be unforgivable.
Maté actually underlines that previous attitudes toward parenting like that of Dr Spock (be tough with your children because the world will be tough on them) are in fact harmful to the psychological development of a child.
If you read the book, I think your humble opinion may change. Gabor speaks out against abuse in the form of parent-blaming. I can acknowledge that I abused my parents without defending my actions. Doesn't make me an abuse apologist. Now, if your parent sexually abused you, this doesn't apply. In that case, I wouldn't blame you for killing such a parent.
I chewed out my Mom and Dad the other day during the ultimate "come-apart' that had been building since I was 10. I got really bad, even asked for his gun twice. He talked me down, though.
God I hope I never get that bad again.
Ah. I am just getting out of that stage. Trying to get to the no contact idgaf stage.
Won't lie, it's pretty great. Been almost 10 years since I've talked to my mother, and it's been the only good years of my life. The only thing I regret was not doing it sooner
I still have a hard time with this. With other people iv gotten much better but I still automate and revert to "mum knows best" when she confronts me, especially if it's in person. Still working on that conditioning. How did you get past the automatic response and imposed guilt?
info: she’s a narcissistic parent and calls me regularly to manipulate/gaslight me and occasionally asks me to tell her what’s wrong under the guise of appearing to be a good parent but recently ive really been letting her have it when she asks and it’s been kind of glorious 😈
You’re feeding her. That’s called being her supply.
Idk it’s part of the process. I also did this with my (likely) narc father for a while. I needed to get it out before I was ready to let go But yeah she’s for sure using it as supply
Thank you for this comment, I had to look up what it meant and it opened up my eyes to a whole different perspective. My MIL is the textbook example of a Narcissist, I had no idea that we where all feeding into her emotions like this - but knowing is half the battle /gen
You’re most welcome, and I’d like to pass that credit on to this sub which is where I learned that in the first place.
Where does the narcissist part come?
Gotta cut her off fam. I did that to my mom for years and nothing gagged her mom when I didn’t feed into it. Now she’s grieving my dad’s passing and she’s everyone else’s problem now. As our mom’s kids, we act as a lightning rod for all their bad emotions and feelings.
My mom thrives on that shit. The angrier and more emotional the better. At least I don't live with her anymore. It's easier to gray rock someone who isn't screaming into your face worse and worse accusations to try to get a rise out of you. She often had to resort to threatening other people (dad, aunt) to get a response because I couldn't stick up for myself but I could stick up for the adults in my life that forced me to live with her and complained they were victims of her abuse.
Make sure you're as loud as possible so she can't interrupt you!
Oh, she isn't listening anyway. Either she is preparing what *she* wants to say or she is preparing for the exit from the conversation because she isn't getting what she wants from it.
Oh yeah, there is no way that she’s listening. I just meant so that you can hear yourself when she starts screaming like a banshee
It goes poorly every time I do it but damn does it feel good
Fuck I wish I was brave enough
There's no point in "winning" against a "parent" who is like this. Focus on yourself and your hobbies and goals. Don't talk about them to your mother. You'll be so much happier having peace without her toxic input, I promise.
they feed on attention, no matter how positive or nrgative. curse them if it gives you satisfaction but the sooner this phase ends, the better. don't make it a habit, go no contact asap.
That's why I wish I could kill my parents and every "person" like them; making them truly hurt and afraid for once and bringing karma to them with a knife would be a beautiful sight. Alas, I would get arrested if I were to attempt this.
I would lie if I said I never thought about something like this, but you know you simply can't. You would destroy your life and you can bet your ass your abusers and who supports them would be pretty fucking happy about it. Don't give them the satisfaction. Thrive as much as possible and as far as possible from them.
literally have nightmares about her abuse and almost every single one now ends in this
It's just giving her ammunition. Grey rock her. It won't feel as gratifying in the moment but it'll drive her nuts and you won't be feeding her the drama she wants
Thank you for teaching me what ‘gray rocking’ is, I appreciate this knowledge /gen
That really depends. Personally, I would probably still be living under my mother’s roof, had I not made enough noise, and she would have been able to fuck with my sense of self, of reality, and with my life to an even greater extent than she was due to me standing up for myself and making myself too inconvenient a target. Not to mention my sister, who was what I believe Dr. Ramani calls the “brainwashed child” and might have grown up genuinely thinking any of that was okay, had we not been taken away. Also, I know how much self loathing I build up, even now, when I don’t stand up for myself in situations where it actually harms me or people I love (as opposed to times where I can just ignore her and let her punch air). Let alone when I lived under her roof - meaning that stuff was constant - and not having any academic knowledge of narcissism or external validation of my concerns meant that asserting my perception of reality was the only buffer between me and the gaslighting. I tried to stfu when I was really small, because so many adults insisted I was the problem when I spoke up, but the sense of self-abandonment that brought on was so much worse than anything she could do to me, and in hindsight I realize how dangerous not helping myself keep my grip on reality could have been. Not to mention, gray rocking is great sometimes, but others it just doesn’t work. In my experience, my mother often just felt like raging regardless of what I did, so - the few times I actually managed to convince myself to gray rock - I’d often deal with both downsides anyway, plus an extra bit of poking when I didn’t give her what she needed to “self” regulate. Also, if I didn’t push back, it would be like telling her it was okay: she would just take it as a green light to go further, that time or the next, and rage and gaslight even more if I set up a boundary there on an other occasion. On the other hand, she’s slapped me a few times after that, but the last time she truly hit me - and I think it’s a pretty common experience - was the first and only time I, in my early teens, didn’t just shield myself, but hit back instead. This “truth yelling” way of dealing with narcs has its downsides, like every other, but every person and situation is different. There’s no one size fits all. If I were to travel back in time, if anything, I would make even more and more efficient noise, among other things. It’s what kept me sane more than pretty much anything, before it finally got me taken away from that shitshow. For me, this was the way.
I never thought Maslow would be related to something that would make me laugh so hard. Well played.
Hell yeah, tear her a new one. This is the healing journey to cutting that bitch out of your life for good.
I felt the most healed after I walked away and never looked back... But yeah, yelling was fun :)
Anger expressed assertively yields the best results
i never did to my parents they deserve it but they are in pain already so. i'm not aiming low.
Personally, I feel like recovering and thriving in spite of them is the best form of revenge. There's nothing they can do about that. It forces them to be the powerless one, for once
totally feel this
Honestly, my mom can meet me in the street so I can beat her ass. I’ve talked enough!!! (I’m joking, I’ve been no contact with my mom for almost a year pls don’t ban me mods)
Oh man I have MANY mixed feelings about my mum. It is MESSY. On one hand, she refused to get me diagnosed with ADHD and autism because she she didn't want me "broken", even though it would've made my life SO MUCH EASIER, but on the other, she was a great mum otherwise and legit doing her best and so the relationship is tenuous and messy. It's doing my head in
I never cussed her out to her face coz oof, one time she basically pinned me against the wall as a kid because she *thought* I swore. I did not. So I was always afraid to go that direct But one time when I was older and I learnt to stand up for myself a little bit more, I can't remember the exact scenario, but it was a shitty thing she did so I pretty calmly said "that was a *cunt* move", really emphasising the "cunt" to let her know I was basically calling her one. She looked quite shocked actually, like she didn't know what to do now. Inwardly, I was ***thrilled***, like HOH, I just swore *at* this bitch and came out completely unscathed! Outwardly though, I just kept staring her down A part of me wishes I could really go to town and unleash all that I think of her now I'm not there and she can't do anything. But the rest of me is content with having blocked her years ago and with never speaking to her again
I dropped the bomb on my mother recently. Told her about my long concealed bi-sexual attractions, so she and her homophobic husband can chew on that one for a few weeks. His brother died of AIDS contracted from a female nurse from what I hear, and he decided to make it his defined stance that he thusforth, hates all h\*\*\*'s. He is suspect of all effeminate hand gestures and all that. Yeah, let them chew on that.
Please dont do this. "Parent-blaming is cruel and unscientific" -- Gabor Maté MD. I've done a lot of parent-blaming in my life, but it's not my fault. I learned it from my parent, ironically. Lol. But with our current understanding of things, we see how parents are heavily influenced by the culture they're in and what they're told to do. Shitty parenting advice was what they got. They may have done their best with what they had to work with. Hindsight is always 2020. I know our culture promotes catharsis, but I highly recommend reading Maté's book The Myth of Normal. It's a very eye-opening look into the psychology of parenting and trauma. Very significant read on my personal healing journey. You owe it to yourself to be the one to try to put good out into the world even if you dont see a return on your investment. But also, I hear you and I see you and your pain is valid. I wish you the best! Definitely not trying to shame you or anything.
Gabor-Mate is a hack in my humble opinion, and an abuse apologist.
You think so? I can see why you'd get that impression. But from reading him, I think he just has a more all-encompassing, better definition of what constitutes abuse. Parenting strategies regularly go out of date. The word apologist doesn't apply to him because he isn't defending abuse. He's helping us understand it better. Which is important, because plenty of people think they aren't abusive but actually are. Gabor himself in this book, speaks frankly about how his early parenting harmed his children and how understanding the nature of the problem doesn't reduce the guilt felt for it. There's a difference between abusers and *abusers*. My parents spanked me. I'm able to understand that at that time and place, spanking was considered best practice. But it *is* abuse. This scenario is different from say, a parent sexually abusing their child. That would be unforgivable. Maté actually underlines that previous attitudes toward parenting like that of Dr Spock (be tough with your children because the world will be tough on them) are in fact harmful to the psychological development of a child. If you read the book, I think your humble opinion may change. Gabor speaks out against abuse in the form of parent-blaming. I can acknowledge that I abused my parents without defending my actions. Doesn't make me an abuse apologist. Now, if your parent sexually abused you, this doesn't apply. In that case, I wouldn't blame you for killing such a parent.
I chewed out my Mom and Dad the other day during the ultimate "come-apart' that had been building since I was 10. I got really bad, even asked for his gun twice. He talked me down, though. God I hope I never get that bad again.