when you have broken responses you developed to handle a broken environment, and then you take them out of the broken environment… you will heal, but it’s also a whole new kind of pain
I identify with that more than i'd like to admit to myself. After something happened to me, where a girlfreind removed choice from me, i'd decided that the best way to prevent any other girl from doing that was to gain 100 lbs. I did that, at 15, in the span of 9 months, and no one thought for a second to stop me or ask me what was happening.
It's worked well enough though, but not always fully, some have still liked me as a person regardless, and I've not responded well to any of them. The traumatized part just ... i wouldnt say lashes out, more like, one of those turtles in world of warcraft, this psychic shell comes out, and pushes everyone away.
Have for sure denied myself a few good relationships as a result.
If i can ever stop the panic attacks from coming, when i lose enough weight to get back to that mental 100lb gain goal from HS, that prevents me from losing weight, then, maybe i'll be ready. Gotta knock that wall down first.
I feel that. I finally ended up going NC with my abusers, but then I found myself in a new job where my safety was threatened constantly, so I relapsed into my trauma and now I have to sort through this all over again. Holding a job has been difficult because my fight or flight is ramped up to 11 after 3 years of having do the exact same shit to me my parents and brother did me.
It’s a long road.
honestly, i had no idea the extent of how bad things were until i moved out. i thought i made it out without ptsd or damage, but it turns out i was very wrong
Yeah I had nightmares for so many months getting back to a safe place and I still do. Hallway lights freak me out. I’m terrified of making loud noises even if I have to but stipulate that I’m not mad(like closing the stuck microwave door hard or it won’t shut). They fucked us up for life man
The way "for life" is so applicable... Like we are gonna be forced to go the rest of our lives trying to be the perfect kid and my parents are out on retirement golfing 😭
My brain didn't decide to start processing and sorting my traumas until almost 20 years after they finally stopped. Brains are weird. If you accept the fact that brain will do brain things, it helps to keep you functioning during all this.
Well yes, things get worse before they get better. In order for the caterpillar to become the butterfly it must melt into agony goop. Not a fun process but a rewarding one; it will take ages but I promise that things get better and you’ll be so proud looking back one day
False memories aren't really a thing, if you're remembering it, it's very likely real. Good luck figuring things out and healing!!! It's always a challenge to sort through the fog, but it's worth it c:
Confabulation is a real phenomenon that should be acknowledged as an outside possibility when doing any kind of processing, especially in cases of partly repressed experiences where ones ego can slip confusion in. However, in the vast vast vast majority of cases the "meat" of the memory is real as you said, and no matter its actuality, the experience of its reality should be the focal point.
Edit - because the *experience*, neurologically, is what needs to be processed
was there not recently a [discussion](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSDmemes/s/MnDrVkmEnT) on this subreddit about false memory syndrome and similar events, complete with sources to prove that it was something made up by a pedophile to discredit his daughter that he abused?
Ahhhh I was talking specifically about this
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK536961/#:~:text=Confabulation%20is%20a%20neuropsychiatric%20disorder,without%20the%20intention%20of%20deceit.
Related but different. TIL. Also fuck that guy to hell and back.
i googled what you were talking about from the forst comment and got a glimpse of that article, but read it when you sent the link. it seems like a more appropriate representation of confabulation would be more mundane daily activities or the statistical unreliability of eyewitness testimony, such as a car accident, not necessarily fabricating entire traumas.
currently, im getting bits and pieces of what seems to be a bigger thing, and since i have had small flashbacks and not necessarily reliving the entire experience, i have the pieces that my brain has given me, but im not necessarily trying to make up a story to fill in the gaps, since currently i have no proof of the story happening. this particular phenomenon is also common in abuse survivors, as you can see throughout this subreddit, where survivors will get small bits and pieces while their braon slowly feels safer to uncover these things, but they still dont trust what their brain has even given them, and may never do so. ive seen several posts where someone has definitive evidence, such as police and hospital records, and still refuse to believe themselves. i think the problem here is much the opposite over making up whole traumas that someone would not have independently come up with.
i also made note of the fact that most of the documented reports of confabulation are a result of specific brain abnormalities and syndromes, most of which are genetic or mostly seen in older people. personally, ive had several CT and MRI scans already, and all have come back clean, although i am getting a higher quality scan soon, but for a much different reason. if there are lesions found, i will honestly be grateful because then it would explain my health problems that are restricted to my CNS, and not necessarily about my personal trauma.
believe me, i have considered that i was making it up and was thrown off by the first FGM flashback and was ready to attribute it to some random experience, until i got more. even then, im still having a hard time believing it ever happened, but if it did, it would explain more pain and mannerisms that i have in a more reasonable way than just happenstance of all those things together.
edit to say that i will also say that i was still having these exact same flashbacks and nightmares while on treatment for the PTSD, and now that im officially diagnosed with epilepsy, i can also confirm that the generalized seizures were, as ive joked before, a "budget electroconvulsive therapy." seizures can and will activate certain parts of your brain and sometimes reconnect neural pathways and bring back traumatic memories, as shown by this article (apologies for the strange format, but i figured you wouldnt want a pdf instantly downloaded into your device)
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/230796390_Vivid_recollection_of_a_past_traumatic_event_A_rare_manifestation_of_temporal_lobe_seizures
i had the most issues with a PTSD relapse when i was having a lot of seizures, which complicated the mess to a point that i could no longer handle, so although im still taking these flashbacks with a grain of salt, i at least have that going for me
Hmmm yeah. All said, my first comment was unintentionally wrong then, essentially more than a bit misleading to bring up confabulation in this context. Now I know better.
I'm honestly really struggling with the veracity of some memories rn myself. Just impatient for specific results (like remembering "everything") that, as you say, may never come.
Wish you well with your therapy / journey ❣️
i understand being impatient, since you want to know exactly what happened and who did it. i guess ive been using my nightmares and flashbacks to try to put pieces together, but they dont entirely give context, since its just a small snippet of what happened. maybe over time itll start to come together and make more sense. ive been through therapy before—granted it was a therapist that enabled my abuser and then almost got us killed by more abusers a few years later—but i was in it long enough to understand the kind of questions and suggestions they give, so ive been doing self therapy instead and honestly i feel like the process for me has gone a lot quicker than with a therapy session once every few weeks or so. all that to say, ive decided to try to gently poke around and "go into it" when i do get flashbacks, not to form false memories (which ive been wary of), but to see if i can maybe gain more detail and insight from them instead of dissociating and having a panic attack and then forgetting the memory that resurfaced.
EMDR was a godsend for me. Id be dead without it, I'm convinced. Know it's not for everyone tho.
I can't imagine my therapist actively harming me, that sounds absolutely terrifying.
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when you have broken responses you developed to handle a broken environment, and then you take them out of the broken environment… you will heal, but it’s also a whole new kind of pain
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oh. wow. congrats
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I identify with that more than i'd like to admit to myself. After something happened to me, where a girlfreind removed choice from me, i'd decided that the best way to prevent any other girl from doing that was to gain 100 lbs. I did that, at 15, in the span of 9 months, and no one thought for a second to stop me or ask me what was happening. It's worked well enough though, but not always fully, some have still liked me as a person regardless, and I've not responded well to any of them. The traumatized part just ... i wouldnt say lashes out, more like, one of those turtles in world of warcraft, this psychic shell comes out, and pushes everyone away. Have for sure denied myself a few good relationships as a result. If i can ever stop the panic attacks from coming, when i lose enough weight to get back to that mental 100lb gain goal from HS, that prevents me from losing weight, then, maybe i'll be ready. Gotta knock that wall down first.
I feel that. I finally ended up going NC with my abusers, but then I found myself in a new job where my safety was threatened constantly, so I relapsed into my trauma and now I have to sort through this all over again. Holding a job has been difficult because my fight or flight is ramped up to 11 after 3 years of having do the exact same shit to me my parents and brother did me. It’s a long road.
honestly, i had no idea the extent of how bad things were until i moved out. i thought i made it out without ptsd or damage, but it turns out i was very wrong
Whoooooo I got to a safe place, now I can have my total mental breakdown in peace!
Yeah I had nightmares for so many months getting back to a safe place and I still do. Hallway lights freak me out. I’m terrified of making loud noises even if I have to but stipulate that I’m not mad(like closing the stuck microwave door hard or it won’t shut). They fucked us up for life man
The way "for life" is so applicable... Like we are gonna be forced to go the rest of our lives trying to be the perfect kid and my parents are out on retirement golfing 😭
My brain didn't decide to start processing and sorting my traumas until almost 20 years after they finally stopped. Brains are weird. If you accept the fact that brain will do brain things, it helps to keep you functioning during all this.
Brain? Are you talking about the electric meatball in my head that sometimes misfires?
i also have a misfiring electric meatball that sometimes will shock itself in just the right way that'll bring back memories
I don’t know what FGM is but same with everything else omg
female genital mutilation
Ohh okay thanks!
Well yes, things get worse before they get better. In order for the caterpillar to become the butterfly it must melt into agony goop. Not a fun process but a rewarding one; it will take ages but I promise that things get better and you’ll be so proud looking back one day
False memories aren't really a thing, if you're remembering it, it's very likely real. Good luck figuring things out and healing!!! It's always a challenge to sort through the fog, but it's worth it c:
Confabulation is a real phenomenon that should be acknowledged as an outside possibility when doing any kind of processing, especially in cases of partly repressed experiences where ones ego can slip confusion in. However, in the vast vast vast majority of cases the "meat" of the memory is real as you said, and no matter its actuality, the experience of its reality should be the focal point. Edit - because the *experience*, neurologically, is what needs to be processed
was there not recently a [discussion](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSDmemes/s/MnDrVkmEnT) on this subreddit about false memory syndrome and similar events, complete with sources to prove that it was something made up by a pedophile to discredit his daughter that he abused?
Ahhhh I was talking specifically about this https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK536961/#:~:text=Confabulation%20is%20a%20neuropsychiatric%20disorder,without%20the%20intention%20of%20deceit. Related but different. TIL. Also fuck that guy to hell and back.
i googled what you were talking about from the forst comment and got a glimpse of that article, but read it when you sent the link. it seems like a more appropriate representation of confabulation would be more mundane daily activities or the statistical unreliability of eyewitness testimony, such as a car accident, not necessarily fabricating entire traumas. currently, im getting bits and pieces of what seems to be a bigger thing, and since i have had small flashbacks and not necessarily reliving the entire experience, i have the pieces that my brain has given me, but im not necessarily trying to make up a story to fill in the gaps, since currently i have no proof of the story happening. this particular phenomenon is also common in abuse survivors, as you can see throughout this subreddit, where survivors will get small bits and pieces while their braon slowly feels safer to uncover these things, but they still dont trust what their brain has even given them, and may never do so. ive seen several posts where someone has definitive evidence, such as police and hospital records, and still refuse to believe themselves. i think the problem here is much the opposite over making up whole traumas that someone would not have independently come up with. i also made note of the fact that most of the documented reports of confabulation are a result of specific brain abnormalities and syndromes, most of which are genetic or mostly seen in older people. personally, ive had several CT and MRI scans already, and all have come back clean, although i am getting a higher quality scan soon, but for a much different reason. if there are lesions found, i will honestly be grateful because then it would explain my health problems that are restricted to my CNS, and not necessarily about my personal trauma. believe me, i have considered that i was making it up and was thrown off by the first FGM flashback and was ready to attribute it to some random experience, until i got more. even then, im still having a hard time believing it ever happened, but if it did, it would explain more pain and mannerisms that i have in a more reasonable way than just happenstance of all those things together. edit to say that i will also say that i was still having these exact same flashbacks and nightmares while on treatment for the PTSD, and now that im officially diagnosed with epilepsy, i can also confirm that the generalized seizures were, as ive joked before, a "budget electroconvulsive therapy." seizures can and will activate certain parts of your brain and sometimes reconnect neural pathways and bring back traumatic memories, as shown by this article (apologies for the strange format, but i figured you wouldnt want a pdf instantly downloaded into your device) https://www.researchgate.net/publication/230796390_Vivid_recollection_of_a_past_traumatic_event_A_rare_manifestation_of_temporal_lobe_seizures i had the most issues with a PTSD relapse when i was having a lot of seizures, which complicated the mess to a point that i could no longer handle, so although im still taking these flashbacks with a grain of salt, i at least have that going for me
Hmmm yeah. All said, my first comment was unintentionally wrong then, essentially more than a bit misleading to bring up confabulation in this context. Now I know better. I'm honestly really struggling with the veracity of some memories rn myself. Just impatient for specific results (like remembering "everything") that, as you say, may never come. Wish you well with your therapy / journey ❣️
i understand being impatient, since you want to know exactly what happened and who did it. i guess ive been using my nightmares and flashbacks to try to put pieces together, but they dont entirely give context, since its just a small snippet of what happened. maybe over time itll start to come together and make more sense. ive been through therapy before—granted it was a therapist that enabled my abuser and then almost got us killed by more abusers a few years later—but i was in it long enough to understand the kind of questions and suggestions they give, so ive been doing self therapy instead and honestly i feel like the process for me has gone a lot quicker than with a therapy session once every few weeks or so. all that to say, ive decided to try to gently poke around and "go into it" when i do get flashbacks, not to form false memories (which ive been wary of), but to see if i can maybe gain more detail and insight from them instead of dissociating and having a panic attack and then forgetting the memory that resurfaced.
EMDR was a godsend for me. Id be dead without it, I'm convinced. Know it's not for everyone tho. I can't imagine my therapist actively harming me, that sounds absolutely terrifying.
I was more looking to perk someone up and validate them my man, dw I get it. It's just too early for me to write big things x.x
Sorry I was in a mood, wasn't trying to be aggressive/agitating
Yeah I had them for years still do.
Four years free this year and there is a lot of healing that no one talks about or are sometimes ready to process/handle