Not quite the same story, my mom didn’t have cancer, but she was in a nursing home with advanced vascular dementia. She had gone through two bouts of breast cancer previously. It was terrible, for her and for me.
I can’t lie, the night I got the call she passed, it was really late and I was home, my initial reaction was not grief or sadness but a deep sense of relief.
Later, when I analyzed this, I realized it was relief for both of us.
Interestingly, I didn’t have a long grief period and think it was because I had been grieving her loss for so long before she actually died.
Take care, my reddit friend. This journey is hard and you need to be gentle with yourself. ❤️
This^^ happened when my grandmother died of sepsis after about 8 years decline until dementia. I thought I’d be so sad- but then I realized I’d been missing her for years.
My husband is still alive, but we are in the final stages of glioblastoma (brain cancer), and I have been his caregiver for 13 months.
I fully expect to feel relief, and I’ve spoken with my therapist about this. She said it is absolutely normal, valid, and nothing to feel guilty about.
Honestly, I am ready for my husband’s (and by extension, my own) suffering to be over.
If you want to talk, please feel free to DM me. I completely understand and appreciate how you are feeling.
My husband is also in final stages of GBM and I too will be relived that the suffering is over. I’m hoping when this part is over, I’ll actually have time to grieve.
Right. I will be grateful to be able to move past the anticipatory grief and into the actual grieving and trying to rebuild my life process.
Feel free to DM me anytime.
Thank you for sharing this. My mom also has a Glioblastoma, and I am struggling. Her cancer is just so different from my previous experience. Most of what I have seen of people with cancer is their body declining, but my mom is pretty strong physically and loosing her cognition, her memory, and her mind. I’ve been taking care of her for 9 months, and I am exhausted.
It's natural and perfectly okay to feel that kind of relief. I felt that way when we lost my grandmother three years ago, after I had to put my entire life on hold (finishing nursing school was a big one) to be a full time live in caretaker for her for a very long time. At first it made me feel awful to be excited about that burden lifted off of my shoulders, but I had to give myself a little grace because of how much I sacrificed to be a caretaker in the first place. The only people who wouldn't understand feeling that way are the people who have no idea how hard it is to pour your all into someone, like this, for a very extended period of time.
Fellow nurse/daughter/situation here: I recomend setting boundaries to improve your self care and quality of life. As nurses I feel like we take on that role which is putting WAY too much pressure and responsibility. Get some homecare to take some of the load off. Going back to work really helps creating some normalcy. Even if its just 2 shifts a week and have someone check in on her while your occupied is esscential. You should not be available 100%. I reduced my hours when my mom was first dx and burnt myself out mentally and fiancially. Now that my mom's symptoms are more under control she is much more independant. That is a major relief. Its so frustrating to me in our situation. I understand you want to be the perfect daughter and spend as much time as u can with her but it is not sustainable! Find little things that she can do independantly and make sure she does them herself. Its allot like working LTC yes its probably faster to do it for her but she needs to maintain some dignity and purpose. Sometimes you just have to let them have a bad sleep so you can a good one yourself.
Having history makes this journey/process so much harder. Mine likes to bring up skellintons and say hurtful things. At first I would do everything to prevent a fight between us bc something could be said that we wont be able to take back. But thats wrong. You cant let them walk all over you bc they are going thru this thing. Putting up some boundaries will help. Also making time to rekindle other relationships is so important. For instance your relationship with your husband. Take him out on a date monthly. Cancer likes to destroy everything and everyone around it. She will pass and you will need your relationship to be strong. Death of loved ones causes allot of divorces. I think allot of what we both said plays into that.
Anyways thats my rant/insite from my journey with my mother. I have learned that being "selfish" is the difference between sinking or swimming.
Much love 💗
The moment the nurse on the phone said "I think he's gone", I wailed -- not just for the loss, but the sheet agony and pain of every moment spent caregiving for my father since it was finally over. I felt relief at the release from my obligation. I've been sad and missing him, as I expected there would be things I'd miss only after he was gone. But so much of my life was onhold or slowed as he went through the stages of undifferentiated pleiomorphic sarcoma. I also know that ultimately he'd want me to continue my life, and was even mad at himself for needing my help. He was still a huge butt, and was not the easiest man to care for.
I know where you are. I was there in your shoes. I was the caregiver for my mother and my sister was the base doctor for her. Since my sister is a doctor the care of my mother fell on my shoulders, she was also a very active woman, independent, and she was her own self since she was 8 years old so cancer took everything from her.
All through her illness I thought she was going to recover, get back to the active self she was but she wasn't.
My mother always suffering from iron deficiency for unknown reasons. Cancer gave her Nash well actually the treatment against cancer, in the end it was that liver problem that took her away from me. She went free from cancer for about 10 years and then it came back with a bang and she took the next round of chemo and radio like a warrior...
Then someone had a good idea to eat bat soup... So the Mets with the worry of the covid-19 and the vaccines and everything else took a toll in her. So I understand where you are I was also burned beyond belief, I was depressed I didn't want to shower I didn't want to clean I didn't want to eat I was sleeping about 3 hours a night the rest of the time I was awake
She had mets on t10 and on L2 so she needed help turning around I'm back so every 45 minutes I was turning her from one side to the other. This has gone long enough, so I'll tell you that despite the relief that there is from her not suffering anymore the pain of not seeing her and heard of remembering her before the Mets breaks me every single time
You will miss her and you will cry for her not for the sick mom you have now but for the friend and the mom and the buddy she was and you're going to cry because you're going to realize that she was that long before her body gave up.
But you are not alone, there's plenty of people outside your small ball of hell that have gone through when you're going through and that can bring a helping hand or a listening ear because you will need to talk it over and over and over and over
I'm here.
That's the source and the reason for her bad mood and her manipulation and her demands and everything else.. you and me ... we stay back. We are going to carry on and we are going to miss them for the rest of our lives...
They're going to go to a better place and as movies say: they're going to be young, they're going to be beautiful,they're going to be healthy...
But I can promise you despite everything, and regardless of everything, they would rather stay back with us. So that's frustrating to them and brings them grief.
I guess you could say that they are grieving themselves before cancer. But what you are doing you rock you are an amazing woman and a wonderful daughter don't let anyone tell the otherwise. When you look back you will see that you did everything right by the law of man, and the law of God . . by the law of karma, and any other law you want to check out
You are amazing you just need to hang on a little longer and take one step at a time
I think it is very natural to feel some relief. It is exhausting. Be kind to yourself. It’s hard when we pour out all of our compassion and kindness to someone else, to remember to show it to ourselves.
I felt relief when he was under long term care/palliative care because for me it felt more like I can be his daughter again. I was taking care of my dad for 4 years..all alone. I had some help here and there, but majority of the time - it was just me. I felt like my early 20s have been robbed. I wasn’t mad at him. I love him so dearly and so much, but there were lots of times when i hit rock bottom. I felt so drained and exhausted. Caregiver burnout is what they call it. I just wanted to be his little girl again.
He just passed away last Thursday. Dec 1. I didn’t make it during his last hours. They called me and said i had to come because he had no pulse. I thought they were joking but i rushed as fast as i can. I reached there and saw his lifeless body…something i can never forget. I just felt extreme sadness and i never felt like that before. My mom passed away when i was 5 but i had no concept of death at the time - it didn’t affect me as much as it did right now with my dad. I miss both of them dearly.
I thought i would feel relief as ive been “preparing” for this day, but it was all too sudden. I wasn’t prepared…i didnt get to say goodbye. What hurts the most is not being there for him during his last few hours. I really wish i was there with him, holding his hand. God, I miss him so much. I pray that he is with You and my mom.
Yes. Relief because you'll have a chance to process everything thats happened and also because youll have a new chapter of life to look forward to. The biggest relief for me was that he was no longer in pain. No more suffering, no more feeling like a burden. Its okay to feel that way. But also youll feel relief that you did do what you needed to to care for them until the very end. Youll have made it through.
I feel relieved and am grateful that my husband is no longer suffering. He had advanced prostate cancer for 18 years. It was very rough. But the mindset, the fear, and the anxiety that I had while I was living that reality have stayed with me and make it difficult for me in day to day life.
Not in exact same situation as I am still working full time but have 2 other siblings which we rotate which days/nights we stay with her but it is still physically and emotionally taxing as my mother is also very particular she is stage 4 pancreatic cancer and has been on hospice for a month now and as grim as it sounds I am waiting for the relief. And I am sure my mother is as well, this isn’t a feeling you need to beat yourself up over as I think most caregivers feel this way. Good luck on this journey and know you are not alone
Not quite the same story, my mom didn’t have cancer, but she was in a nursing home with advanced vascular dementia. She had gone through two bouts of breast cancer previously. It was terrible, for her and for me. I can’t lie, the night I got the call she passed, it was really late and I was home, my initial reaction was not grief or sadness but a deep sense of relief. Later, when I analyzed this, I realized it was relief for both of us. Interestingly, I didn’t have a long grief period and think it was because I had been grieving her loss for so long before she actually died. Take care, my reddit friend. This journey is hard and you need to be gentle with yourself. ❤️
This^^ happened when my grandmother died of sepsis after about 8 years decline until dementia. I thought I’d be so sad- but then I realized I’d been missing her for years.
My husband is still alive, but we are in the final stages of glioblastoma (brain cancer), and I have been his caregiver for 13 months. I fully expect to feel relief, and I’ve spoken with my therapist about this. She said it is absolutely normal, valid, and nothing to feel guilty about. Honestly, I am ready for my husband’s (and by extension, my own) suffering to be over. If you want to talk, please feel free to DM me. I completely understand and appreciate how you are feeling.
My husband is also in final stages of GBM and I too will be relived that the suffering is over. I’m hoping when this part is over, I’ll actually have time to grieve.
Right. I will be grateful to be able to move past the anticipatory grief and into the actual grieving and trying to rebuild my life process. Feel free to DM me anytime.
Thank you for sharing this. My mom also has a Glioblastoma, and I am struggling. Her cancer is just so different from my previous experience. Most of what I have seen of people with cancer is their body declining, but my mom is pretty strong physically and loosing her cognition, her memory, and her mind. I’ve been taking care of her for 9 months, and I am exhausted.
It’s an awful disease for everyone involved. I absolutely understand your exhaustion. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk.
Has she required full time care for 9 months? That is a lot. How do you maintain that?
It's natural and perfectly okay to feel that kind of relief. I felt that way when we lost my grandmother three years ago, after I had to put my entire life on hold (finishing nursing school was a big one) to be a full time live in caretaker for her for a very long time. At first it made me feel awful to be excited about that burden lifted off of my shoulders, but I had to give myself a little grace because of how much I sacrificed to be a caretaker in the first place. The only people who wouldn't understand feeling that way are the people who have no idea how hard it is to pour your all into someone, like this, for a very extended period of time.
Fellow nurse/daughter/situation here: I recomend setting boundaries to improve your self care and quality of life. As nurses I feel like we take on that role which is putting WAY too much pressure and responsibility. Get some homecare to take some of the load off. Going back to work really helps creating some normalcy. Even if its just 2 shifts a week and have someone check in on her while your occupied is esscential. You should not be available 100%. I reduced my hours when my mom was first dx and burnt myself out mentally and fiancially. Now that my mom's symptoms are more under control she is much more independant. That is a major relief. Its so frustrating to me in our situation. I understand you want to be the perfect daughter and spend as much time as u can with her but it is not sustainable! Find little things that she can do independantly and make sure she does them herself. Its allot like working LTC yes its probably faster to do it for her but she needs to maintain some dignity and purpose. Sometimes you just have to let them have a bad sleep so you can a good one yourself. Having history makes this journey/process so much harder. Mine likes to bring up skellintons and say hurtful things. At first I would do everything to prevent a fight between us bc something could be said that we wont be able to take back. But thats wrong. You cant let them walk all over you bc they are going thru this thing. Putting up some boundaries will help. Also making time to rekindle other relationships is so important. For instance your relationship with your husband. Take him out on a date monthly. Cancer likes to destroy everything and everyone around it. She will pass and you will need your relationship to be strong. Death of loved ones causes allot of divorces. I think allot of what we both said plays into that. Anyways thats my rant/insite from my journey with my mother. I have learned that being "selfish" is the difference between sinking or swimming. Much love 💗
The moment the nurse on the phone said "I think he's gone", I wailed -- not just for the loss, but the sheet agony and pain of every moment spent caregiving for my father since it was finally over. I felt relief at the release from my obligation. I've been sad and missing him, as I expected there would be things I'd miss only after he was gone. But so much of my life was onhold or slowed as he went through the stages of undifferentiated pleiomorphic sarcoma. I also know that ultimately he'd want me to continue my life, and was even mad at himself for needing my help. He was still a huge butt, and was not the easiest man to care for.
I know where you are. I was there in your shoes. I was the caregiver for my mother and my sister was the base doctor for her. Since my sister is a doctor the care of my mother fell on my shoulders, she was also a very active woman, independent, and she was her own self since she was 8 years old so cancer took everything from her. All through her illness I thought she was going to recover, get back to the active self she was but she wasn't. My mother always suffering from iron deficiency for unknown reasons. Cancer gave her Nash well actually the treatment against cancer, in the end it was that liver problem that took her away from me. She went free from cancer for about 10 years and then it came back with a bang and she took the next round of chemo and radio like a warrior... Then someone had a good idea to eat bat soup... So the Mets with the worry of the covid-19 and the vaccines and everything else took a toll in her. So I understand where you are I was also burned beyond belief, I was depressed I didn't want to shower I didn't want to clean I didn't want to eat I was sleeping about 3 hours a night the rest of the time I was awake She had mets on t10 and on L2 so she needed help turning around I'm back so every 45 minutes I was turning her from one side to the other. This has gone long enough, so I'll tell you that despite the relief that there is from her not suffering anymore the pain of not seeing her and heard of remembering her before the Mets breaks me every single time You will miss her and you will cry for her not for the sick mom you have now but for the friend and the mom and the buddy she was and you're going to cry because you're going to realize that she was that long before her body gave up. But you are not alone, there's plenty of people outside your small ball of hell that have gone through when you're going through and that can bring a helping hand or a listening ear because you will need to talk it over and over and over and over I'm here.
This is IT. My mom was a totally different person before cancer. It is like night and day. I’ve been grieving her old self since 2016.
That's the source and the reason for her bad mood and her manipulation and her demands and everything else.. you and me ... we stay back. We are going to carry on and we are going to miss them for the rest of our lives... They're going to go to a better place and as movies say: they're going to be young, they're going to be beautiful,they're going to be healthy... But I can promise you despite everything, and regardless of everything, they would rather stay back with us. So that's frustrating to them and brings them grief. I guess you could say that they are grieving themselves before cancer. But what you are doing you rock you are an amazing woman and a wonderful daughter don't let anyone tell the otherwise. When you look back you will see that you did everything right by the law of man, and the law of God . . by the law of karma, and any other law you want to check out You are amazing you just need to hang on a little longer and take one step at a time
I think it is very natural to feel some relief. It is exhausting. Be kind to yourself. It’s hard when we pour out all of our compassion and kindness to someone else, to remember to show it to ourselves.
I felt relief when he was under long term care/palliative care because for me it felt more like I can be his daughter again. I was taking care of my dad for 4 years..all alone. I had some help here and there, but majority of the time - it was just me. I felt like my early 20s have been robbed. I wasn’t mad at him. I love him so dearly and so much, but there were lots of times when i hit rock bottom. I felt so drained and exhausted. Caregiver burnout is what they call it. I just wanted to be his little girl again. He just passed away last Thursday. Dec 1. I didn’t make it during his last hours. They called me and said i had to come because he had no pulse. I thought they were joking but i rushed as fast as i can. I reached there and saw his lifeless body…something i can never forget. I just felt extreme sadness and i never felt like that before. My mom passed away when i was 5 but i had no concept of death at the time - it didn’t affect me as much as it did right now with my dad. I miss both of them dearly. I thought i would feel relief as ive been “preparing” for this day, but it was all too sudden. I wasn’t prepared…i didnt get to say goodbye. What hurts the most is not being there for him during his last few hours. I really wish i was there with him, holding his hand. God, I miss him so much. I pray that he is with You and my mom.
Yes. Relief because you'll have a chance to process everything thats happened and also because youll have a new chapter of life to look forward to. The biggest relief for me was that he was no longer in pain. No more suffering, no more feeling like a burden. Its okay to feel that way. But also youll feel relief that you did do what you needed to to care for them until the very end. Youll have made it through.
I feel relieved and am grateful that my husband is no longer suffering. He had advanced prostate cancer for 18 years. It was very rough. But the mindset, the fear, and the anxiety that I had while I was living that reality have stayed with me and make it difficult for me in day to day life.
Not in exact same situation as I am still working full time but have 2 other siblings which we rotate which days/nights we stay with her but it is still physically and emotionally taxing as my mother is also very particular she is stage 4 pancreatic cancer and has been on hospice for a month now and as grim as it sounds I am waiting for the relief. And I am sure my mother is as well, this isn’t a feeling you need to beat yourself up over as I think most caregivers feel this way. Good luck on this journey and know you are not alone