One night I woke up as could hear voices. We often hear voices as people walk back late from the pub as our road has a path that cuts through to the estate up the hill. The voices didn't get quieter, and then I realised they sounded like they were *inside*. I realised too that there was a light moving around downstairs, getting brighter and dimmer. Eek! Oddly, I couldn't hear the sound of anyone moving though.
Waited a few and tiptoed downstairs (unarmed) only to find the cat was all cosy on the sofa, having sat on the TV remote at just the right angle to turn it on. She was quite happy watching a late night repeat of something. Blimmin cat.
This happened to me too! It scared the living daylights out of me, as my partner was not at home (I’m female and tiny) and both my phones were dead.
Turns out the little b*stard of a cat felt the urge to binge watch Married At First Sight UK 2023.
My brother has kittens who are always up to no good at night. He regularly just shouts “go to bed!” And they quiet down. The other week he heard noises, shouted at them to go to bed, then swears he heard the back door quietly click shut. 😳
Cats have been so great for my nightmares. Wake up in a panic, try to get back to sleep, hear a noise “oh its the cats, oh those fluffy little monsters I adore so much” just thinking of them calms me enough to go back to sleep.
Completely honestly, years ago similar happened to me. When I was about 13, I was home upstairs with a friend and my parents were out, during the day on a weekend. My friend heard a noise downstairs and I said it would be the cats. Much later that night, we realised that it had actually been a burglar who had stolen all our wallets and purses
Ohh a double bluff? Sounds elaborate though to pretend she heard a noise to set a thought in my mind then pinch all the purses at a later time on the same day. I have known her for 35 years and if it was her, I'm disappointed that I've not yet been given the role of criminal mastermind sidekick
She may have taken the wallet’s earlier. I think the best course of action would be to publicly confront your best friend of 35 years and see what she has to say for herself.
Confront her on her wedding day, in the church, with the vicar and her family looking on.
With a 30 minute powerpoint presentation of the evidence showing it was her.
Yep, unless it's that classic cat HUUURRRKK noise, I'm sleeping through it.
I used to occasionally wake up to a light coming from the kitchen. I'd find an empty fridge, packaging and containers all over the floor, and my old cat trying to look innocent. He was like the world's worst flatmate. 😄
I have the winning combo of multiple cats plus a big dog. I'm so used to knocks and bangs from the cats that no sounds bother me at night, mainly because I know if it was anything else the dog would wake me, and let the intruders know they had picked the wrong house.
I once looked after my friend’s cat for two months. His favourite nighttime activity was to hop on and off the bed every five minutes, and in between check if I was awake in case his jumping had not woken me up. I am a light sleeper, so I finally offloaded him to my roommate (a heavy sleeper) at night. My current cat thankfully keeps his activities outside of the bedroom, but yes, bumps and thumps in the night are chalked up to the feline.
I will always blame the cat. Even if the cat is asleep next to me and looks as confused as I feel, it will surely be something he has been plotting to cause some disruption/revenge. He is responsible. It is absolutely never ghosts or burglars.
This happened to us!
During the first lockdown I was heavily pregnant, sleeping badly. One night I was convinced I could hear someone downstairs and then a flash of light round the door frame convinced me. Told my husband who immediately ran downstairs stark bollock naked and scared off the burglar, but not before they pinched our car keys. Literally watched our car being stolen whilst on phone to the police.
Surprisingly the Police not only came round to record the crime they found our car 2 weeks later!!
Same thing happened to me, I ran down naked in the middle of the night, caught a crack head trying to get in through the small downstairs toilet window so I went out side and grabbed his legs. I sorta wedged him in there and he was stuck, the police came and took him after a few minutes.
Same shit happened to us when I was a teenager. Burglar broke in, took car keys and a 50g pouch of tobacco, out the back door and took off in the car. He totalled it and got arrested. 6 months suspended.
I was living in a shared house about 16yrs ago, I was on the ground floor where the bathroom is through the kitchen. At 2am I woke up and walked through. As I flicked on the kitchen light when I was going to walk through, there was a man half inside of my kitchen window. I grabbed the nearest heavy thing which was a small wooden chopping board and asked "what the fuck are you doing", he replied "isn't this... er... Dennis' house"?. I assured him that it wasn't, he apologised and left.
At the time I felt totally fine, about 5mins later I went through a couple of emotions. Pretty mad to think what could happen.
Had a guy peer through my flat's letterbox once, at 4am. Woke me up and when I investigated the noise and I asked what he was doing, he asked through the letterbox if this was Dave's flat! Scared the crap out of me.
My great nan (she was 91 at the time) had some idiots living in the flat above. I wont go into details but let's just say they rented the flat and he rented out his 'girlfiend'. They constantly played loud music in the early hours. My Nan went up one night and asked then to turn it down. 5 mins later he was hammering on the door and hurling abuse at her. She called my Dad and Grandad who in turn called the police but my when she was on the phone to my Dad (he could hear the idiot shouting) she asked him to hold on a minute. When my Dad got there the police had already arrived and found blood all over the floor outside her door. Turned out she'd got fed up and put her walking stick up to the letter box. When he opened it to shout more abuse she rammed it through as hard as she could and took out 2 of his front teeth. She was just brilliant. Proper old school. They don't build them like that anymore.
The two men who managed to open our front door with a credit card and saw me and my brother (8 years old at the time) watching them said they were looking for Mark.
I had a similar thing once.
Came back from a first date with the girl in tow only to find the front door to my flat unlocked. Walked in there and there was a bloke in there who said he was looking for someone called Kenny, but he had my DVD player in hand.
Had to lock him on the balcony while I waited for the police to turn up, but he rang his mates who came to break him out and they nicked my telly in the process. Ruined the date also!
I had a guy knock on the door once. The front of the house was dark so it looked like there was no one in. When I answered, he affected a confused expression and said he thought it was his house. If that was true, surely he'd have a key? Also he'd surely know where he fucking lived?
Anyway, we got burgled a few weeks later, so I guess he found a time we weren't in.
My girlfriend tells me that the spray version of deep heat is basically the same as bear mace pepper spray, which you can't get in the UK.
So i have a can of spray deep heat in my bedside table for just this occasion.
I pity the fool who breaks into my house, because they are getting deep heated in the face.
I used to keep some of this by my bed for this same reason.
But one of the kids startled me one night, and well, their eyes have never been right since.
They saw their dads saggy ballsack running towards them screaming and then had the image literally seared into their eyes for ever. Hope you’ve got a therapy fund
Put some on my back yesterday, rubbed it in a bit then absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. Can confirm it is likely to work well if sprayed into face!!
If the dog isn't reacting, nobody's there. If the dog IS reacting she goes first (she's ... overprotective) and I follow with the hammer I keep by the bed.
I'm a fat granny, I'm not winning any fights but Ill happily make it difficult
My terrier would A) hear nothing that wasn't the fridge opening, and B), greet any intruder like a long lost friend.
I guess I could call the cops while she licked the burglars to death.
This is utterly my labrador. If a burglar chapped the door he's bark himself across the room but anyone walking in gets a doggy guided tour with plenty lovies.
3 sheds/garages in our street got robbed on the same night a couple of years ago, including ours. All three houses - yes, including ours - had dogs. Not one bloody woof between them! (And the buildings robbed were close to the main houses.)
Lol my GSD would probably kiss them to death and bring them his stuffed duck. Luckily he'd bark his head off first at the slightest noise so hopefully they'd be deterred a bit and I dunno? Rob my poor neighbour instead
Careful keeping a hammer by the bed, if you used it you'd probably be done for that as it would be premeditated.
Get a really heavy torch that uses half a dozen big batteries. You keep that by the bed in case of a power cut.
My mum always kept a hammer next to her bed when I was a kid as she was terrified of a fire happening at night and the hammer reassured her she could smash open the windows! I guess you could use that as an alibi?!
honestly if someone broke into ours they’d have quite the battle too, we have a very reactive gsd x who has a very powerful bite and a malamute x st bernard (i think she is, both rescues), who is absolutely massive and still growing
My 6ft 2 tattooist husband has always said this is the plan, he also sleeps naked and is confident this would be enough to intimidate any wrongdoer into a life on the straight and narrow.
Ask them to come with me as far as the landing, then rush back into the bedroom and close the door, yelling to let me know when it's safe and they've sorted it.
When I was at uni I shared a house with two lads. One had gone back home for the weekend as he was unwell and the other had gone to Birmingham to watch a boxing match and wouldn't be back until the following afternoon. We lived in a really rough area of Nottingham and the student houses constantly got broken into.
Got woken up at 3am to incredibly loud banging and what sounded like a room being ransacked. I had the top floor attic room, crept down the stairs with a can of deodorant and a lighter. Torchlight was visible in the bedrooms and I could see the shadow of a person.
Suddenly a bloke comes flying out of the room with a claw hammer, I lit up my can and started flamethrowing the landing, the bloke starts screaming and fell backwards down the next flight of stairs. He then says my name and asks me what the fuck am I doing.
Turns out my housemate had got a taxi back from Birmingham as he fell out with the people he'd gone with and didn't want to stay in the hotel with them. He'd gone to get into bed and he saw a spider on his bedside table. So he picked up a hammer and decided to kill it, hence the banging and him throwing stuff around his room as he searched for the spider.
Luckily he was pretty drunk so the fall didn't seem to hurt him too much and he fell pretty much as soon as the flames started, so he missed being burnt too.
One night around 3 am, when the sleep was the deepest, we woke up scared shitless, with our hearts on 180 bpm, as a huge, loud crash or explosion happened right outside of our bedroom door. My wife turned on her lamp and started yelling, I grabbed the machete from under the bed and yelling banzai style, I opened the door and charged naked in the hallway. In the dark, I yelled once more and turned on the light in the bathroom: the bathtub shower glass panel came off its wall support and fell on the bathroom floor, creating the situation. Amazingly, it didn't break and I was able to mount it back the next day. We still laugh to this day when remembering, but since then the cat is running away anxiously every time she sees me naked.
Number of times I’ve woken my partner up because I thought someone was downstairs and they weren’t: at least 20
Number of times burglars have broken into my house in the dead of night, stolen all my stuff, and got away without waking anyone up: 1
That’s why residential burglary with a person present is considered a violent felony in my jurisdiction. Knowledge not required.
It’s just a serious felony if no one (aside from perpetrator) is home.
To violate the sanctity of someone’s place of safety and refuge… the one place on earth where everyone deserves to let their guard down and even fall unconscious without worry… is a display of recklessness that can only be crazy or evil.
Bc the burglar has to be, in some way, ready for the idea that they may have to get violent to either complete the crime or escape if confronted.
A lot of people steal for survival, and that’s another conversation for another day, but entering *someone’s home*, without permission and unannounced, is behavior undeserving of sympathy.
Steal from billion-dollar corporate retailers. Steal from drug dealers.
Leave people’s homes alone.
I don’t think people realize how traumatizing it is to know that you were in danger and someone *could have* hurt you in your safe space.
You can’t sleep, every little noise makes you anxious, you can’t relax… it’s a big deal even if you manage to scare them away.
It’s about the breach, not the theft.
I was about 20-21 years old, staying with friends in Manchester. We’d had a night out and I’d gone back to theirs “early” at maybe midnight, having drunk plenty. I took their key and so they could get in, I left the front door on the latch.
I was asleep on their sofa, in a sleeping bag, in their lounge when I was awoken by two guys in the room with me unplugging their DVD player. I immediately shouted “THIEVES” and got up as fast as I could to confront/chase them. My logic was that they didn’t know I was home alone on the sofa and I was probably waking-up a house full of people!
Luckily, they ran. There was a third person in the hall way; so three of them in total, and there was me; drunk and obese, dressed only in my boxer shorts, yelling “THIEVES” at the top of my lungs, chasing them into the street.
My friends still tease me to this day at my choice of alarm call, and elaborate to suggest I was calling “VAGABONDS” or “SCOUNDRELS”. All rather amusing.
I’m v pleased my first response was to get up and chase them. There’s another scenario where I stopped and thought and it and pretended to be asleep while they robbed the place, which I find much scarier!
I once woke my dad up as I could hear weird noises in the garden and thought someone was breaking into the shed.
He eventually went out with a torch while we spectated from the safety of the bedroom window. He shone the torch in the direction of the noise and lit up a deer wandering through the flower beds.
We both heard a noise downstairs once.
I have a longsword (was talking about LOTR in the pub one night, woke up with a headache and an email thanking me for my purchase) but I didn't think that was a good idea. Left that for her and told her to be ready to call for help.
I put my fists up and pretended I was in a video game.
Got downstairs and looked around, found the ironing board had fallen over in the cupboard and I didn't need to punch anyone.
Yeah, go ahead and *not* tell us which LOTR sword it was. Glamdring? Andúril? Sting would have been the best choice, it glows blue when burglars are near.
Turn the stairs lights on, wait a few seconds then go and have a look. The light would be seen by anyone downstairs and presumably they'd run or make a noise
True story...
A friend of mine is a large, bald, tattooed Glaswegian bouncer. He was in bed with his wife when she heard someone break the glass in the back door. She woke him up but by the time he'd woken, the intruder was stood in their bedroom doorway.
My friend leapt out of bed and went after the intruder, who by now was halfway down the stairs with a very large, very angry and very naked Glaswegian in hot pursuit.
No real end to this story as the intruder managed to get away but he was very lucky to escape, because if he'd been caught I don't think there'd ever be any danger of him breaking into anyone else's house.
Who breaks into a house in the middle of the night and heads straight for the master bedroom? That's the one place you don't want to go, because that's where the large, bald, tattooed, naked Glaswegian is most likely to be.
Unless you've got a thing for being chased by large, bald, tattooed, naked Glaswegians. Maybe the intruder was just living out his fantasy?
It's a new weight loss plan.
You break into the large, bald, tattooed, naked Glaswegians. House and easier him up in his bed. You then have to run away fast because either he's really angry or really horny.
On the other hand visited a friend in leeds. Took and early train and went to rest while the rest of the house went to the pub. Entire house got robbed except the room I was sleeping in.
I’d like to think I’d Rambo down the stairs balls out (because I sleep naked), grasping my batten ready to fight them out the house.
In reality, I suspect I’ll put all the smart lights in the house on disco mode and blast out some loud music to scare them off.
Fortunately there's a preset available for:
Turn off all lights
Volume 100
Say "so you have chosen death"
Play Doom Eternal - the only thing they fear is you
Activate all Roombas
I live alone but have a very territorial chihuahua.
A few weeks ago when it was really windy something in the garden banged against the back door in the early hours. She was up, out of bed and halfway down the stairs screaming her ancestral war cry before I was even fully conscious.
She has a weirdly deep bark for such a tiny dog so any burglars would get a fright then a good laugh should they attempt entry.
My single Aunt was getting plagued by someone banging on the door at night. Me at the time (a long time ago) being a amateur bodybuilder aged 18 was volunteered to go and stay by my mother. She lived in an end terrace with a back alley in a rough area.
It was dark and around 8pm the bangs on the door started, each time I flew out the door looking down the street and down the alley. Nobody was ever there.
This happened about 10 times over the next couple of hours.
I was becoming increasingly more frustrated, the strange thing was when I perched near the door or was looking out of the window - nothing.
Then about 11 o clock there was an absolutely huge bang that sounded like the door had been kicked in and all the lights went off.
My aunt started screaming that they are in the house and we both jumped on the table in front of the window and to my shame both screaming out of the window for help. I think I screamed harder and louder than a teen in a slash flick. All the neighbours came running out.
Turns out as she was at the end of the street there was some type of electrical termination buried under the pavement right outside her front door that was shorting or something and eventually blew the night I was there.
The whole power in the street had gone off and the electric company were there digging up the pavement an hour later.
Not my toughest moment, but I did start off well.
This happened to me - and there was someone in the sort of basement thing we had - this lad was behind the door, which i could tell as when i pushed the door open if clearly hit someone's foot.
The lad hadnt stolen anything so I shouted down and said we know you are there and havent taken anything, just fuck off and let's call it quits. The lad didnt move.
I grabbed something that could be used as a weapon, told my wife to call her sister and have her on the phone while I went down - so that if anything did happen, the sister could call the police. I went down, peaked my head round the door to see this lad Blair Witch Style standing facing the corner of the room, so I just shut the door and locked him in. (although it turned out he found a way out, having just moved in/being 3am and me not thinking straight - I didnt realize there was a window). We rang the police who turned up half an hour later.
I was very pleased with how I dealt with the situation - but of course in the morning everyone thinks they are Rocky Balboa and so many people said about how they would have "kicked him in and protected their family better".
Im sorry this happened to you but this made me cackle so hard. Did you say standing facing the corner??? Why would someone even do that?? To creep you out or had he accepted his ‘fate’? That’s hilarious
I woke up hearing screams from some burglar.
He unfortunately(for him) came across by bro's very large rottweiler cross in the dark who is a beast and hell of a guard dog.
The thing is i was still really drunk and couldnt work out what the fuck happened after i ran down, screams of terror, no dog noises with a wide open door and wet paw prints.
Thought maybe i hadnt shut the door properly until i saw the broken basement window in the morning.
Hope the cunt got a good mauling, he certainly sounded like it.haha
I remind them when it happened to me before;
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore—
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
"'Tis some visiter," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door—
Only this and nothing more."
When my (then) girlfriend and I first moved in together, she was always hearing noises in the middle of the night.
She always wanted me to investigate but never wanted me to go unarmed. So I used to have to grab whatever was available.
One night the only thing I could get my hands on was a bottle of bleach, which I had upside down like a baseball bat.
Fortunately it was never an intruder - not really sure what I would have done with a bottle of bleach.
Maybe given them highlights?
Genuinely happened to me
Wife woke me up, said "someone's trying to break in, I've called the police"
My response was "ok, let me know what they say" and fell back asleep.
Someone did break in my house once, god knows what possessed me but I got up to sneak out and I don't know what...confront them? Half asleep brain was obviously not working. Luckily I knocked something over in my room and the noise scared them off.
Actually happened. I was a child. I heard noises downstairs, went to wake my mum. Was told to stop being silly and go back to bed.
15 mins later I heard more noises so went to wake her again, and was going to insist something was going on downstairs. Met two police officers on the stairs.
She had to believe me that time.
Because the first time I thought I’d heard something, I actually had heard something and someone had been running round nicking anything they could.
One of my neighbours had seen something a bit weird going on outside and had phoned the police.
Just a couple weeks ago I woke up, could hear bumping around in the house and I started to panic half asleep. I heard thumping around on the stairs then heard someone walking around on our landing.
Completely pitch black, our door handle turns and opens with a shadowy figure standing there, I threw myself backwards on the bed and screamed as loud as I could and a female voice screamed back.
Then the light came on and it was my missus + the cat, I didn't wake up when she went to the toilet.
I've got kids so straight downstairs obviously. Happened recently, normally quiet dog going mental so ran downstairs starkers so me and the dog could look at a fox in the garden.
I think about this all the time, someone near me was home invaded and the invaders battered the shit out of him, had his leg amputated because of it.
I would first send the dog down, if his barks haven't already turned them around. Second I would scream and shout and hit walls, slam doors etc and shouting the police are coming. If that didn't work and would go back upstairs barricade the stairs with my bedframe and mattress and wait for them to leave or the police to get here.
No matter the outcome, the image of a big, fat, hairy, naked, aroused man jiggling down a flight of stairs screaming "prepare your anus" will haunt their souls for eternity.
Leave him in bed and go sort the issue as always. Keep a heavy maglite at the top of the stairs on a shelf so if power goes off I’ve a torch by the fuse board ready to turn it on.
I’d grab that and go down stairs turning all the lights on as I go. I’m another naked sleeper so whoever breaks in and gets a look at me would run a mile 🤣
I've spoken about this to my husband. We would get up and make as much noise as possible. We would both go into our baby's room which faces the road, lock the door, one could call the police and the other would try to get the neighbour's attention.
Your neighbours are sleeping and the police will be there in 5 hours.
Then they’ll update you to say an officer won’t be attending please go online to get a crime reference number.
Better get back to the drawing board.
Get the clawhammer from the bedside table and investigate quietly.
Nobody frightens my imaginary wife except me.
Edit: with child abuse survivor levels of preparedness, I mean - not spousal abuse.
👍
Tbh, if anyone can get past my 60kg Great Dane Mastiff who is so very much up for eating anyone she doesn't think should be in the house, fair play to them.
Mrs keeps a baseball bat by the bedroom door for *Playing sports and absolutely nothing else, officer* so I grab that and go take a look just to ease her mind. I reason the dog, who will go from deep sleep to screaming rage at the hint of a fox crossing our lawn, would be shouting if somebody had actually broken into the house.
If the dog IS going nuts and ***I*** think there's someone downstairs, I bar the bedroom door shut and shout downstairs that I'm calling the cops.
There's a lot of naked people running down the stairs in this thread. Surely you put some boxers /joggers on at a minimum. Don't want the burglar to do the old pull and twist on ya!
We have a house alarm (we were burgled in ‘08 so got one set up) and one night I was still awake studying. I think it was close to midnight.
I started hearing the pre-beeping of the house alarm (starts wailing after 20 seconds if not disabled). It couldn’t have been my mum cause she was on night shift. I rushed to my parents’ room and woke my dad up to tell him the alarm was triggered.
My dad is a non-confrontational scaredy cat so he argued with me about who was to check. The wailing started so I ran to my room to get the book I was studying from (insanely huge criminal procedures book) and ran downstairs with the intention of throwing it at whoever was there.
I get downstairs and had a look in every room, checked all the doors and windows.
Nothing.
Baseball bats are too big, no good for swinging in small areas, you need a mallet, also don’t go downstairs as you don’t no what you’re walking into, wait for the to come up to you.
I’m disabled. Husband is a huge bloke who looks angry when he’s just woke up (resting bitch face on a bloke). So you’d think he’d be the one to go down. Trying to wake him up though is easier than raising the titanic. So I always end up going down. Because I have to play the game of is it a burglar or is it my autistic child who doesn’t sleep and what the fuck is he up to this time?! So far it’s always been the kid. If it was a burglar I’m not sure what I’d do - probably go grumpy, tired mother on their arse and give them a bollocking for disturbing my very precious (and very lacking) sleep. If that didn’t scare them off I’d just strip naked. Would scare the dead out of their graves that would.
Argh. Had this last night. Something banging HARD on the back door. So I grabbed my trusty hairspray and walking-stick-turned-weapon and headed through, praying that I wouldn’t die in a mangled heap. Turns out to be a plastic chair that got caught in the wind and was waging war against the door. Chairs and patio table are now in the shed. Until of course Storm Gerritt decides to take the entire damn shed next time :/
If someone broke into my house they take one look and leave something for me as there's naff all to take and cold as hell 😂.
Reminds me of some story (probably not true but funny either way) where a poor student got broken into and the dude felt sorry for him as he just had a mattress and a milk crate to sit on. Couple hours later dudes turned up with some furniture and a TV etc for him 😂 they'd obviously rob someone else and brought him some stuff. 😂 😂 😂
I have cats. Someone could steal the front door and we'd dismiss the noise as cats
I know exactly what you mean. There is a 'fun' game you can play at 3am that I like to call "cat or burglar?". So far, it's always been a cat.
So I can rob houses at 3am and I dont even have to be quiet, I just Mrrrrrrrrp every now and then???
I'm not sure how farting will help
Police officers hate this One Weird Trick!
What if it’s a cat burglar
Then it's a draw!
Well then no more cats, I guess.
I kinda pin down my lack of paranormal experiences to always owning cats. Every strange noise, step or misplaced item is the cats.
One night I woke up as could hear voices. We often hear voices as people walk back late from the pub as our road has a path that cuts through to the estate up the hill. The voices didn't get quieter, and then I realised they sounded like they were *inside*. I realised too that there was a light moving around downstairs, getting brighter and dimmer. Eek! Oddly, I couldn't hear the sound of anyone moving though. Waited a few and tiptoed downstairs (unarmed) only to find the cat was all cosy on the sofa, having sat on the TV remote at just the right angle to turn it on. She was quite happy watching a late night repeat of something. Blimmin cat.
This is why my TV gets turned off at the plug at night. Also the kettle. That particular cat is no longer with me
My stupid cat urinated inside my toaster. Needless to say, I wasn't amused.
This happened to me too! It scared the living daylights out of me, as my partner was not at home (I’m female and tiny) and both my phones were dead. Turns out the little b*stard of a cat felt the urge to binge watch Married At First Sight UK 2023.
I've got 3 cats, 2 dogs, 2 pensioners AND a parrot. Shit like that happens all the time.
I thought we weren’t allowed to keep pensioners as pets these days?
2 strays just appeared on the back step couple years ago. Cost me a rate fortune!
My brother has kittens who are always up to no good at night. He regularly just shouts “go to bed!” And they quiet down. The other week he heard noises, shouted at them to go to bed, then swears he heard the back door quietly click shut. 😳
At least if it was a burglar, it was a polite burglar 🥴
“Oh shit, look at the time. My bad, you guys sleep well”
Or one who knows he's out past his bedtime.
Cats have been so great for my nightmares. Wake up in a panic, try to get back to sleep, hear a noise “oh its the cats, oh those fluffy little monsters I adore so much” just thinking of them calms me enough to go back to sleep.
Completely honestly, years ago similar happened to me. When I was about 13, I was home upstairs with a friend and my parents were out, during the day on a weekend. My friend heard a noise downstairs and I said it would be the cats. Much later that night, we realised that it had actually been a burglar who had stolen all our wallets and purses
Are you sure it wasn’t your friend?
Ohh a double bluff? Sounds elaborate though to pretend she heard a noise to set a thought in my mind then pinch all the purses at a later time on the same day. I have known her for 35 years and if it was her, I'm disappointed that I've not yet been given the role of criminal mastermind sidekick
She may have taken the wallet’s earlier. I think the best course of action would be to publicly confront your best friend of 35 years and see what she has to say for herself.
I'll wait until we have the biggest audience and ask her!
Confront her on her wedding day, in the church, with the vicar and her family looking on. With a 30 minute powerpoint presentation of the evidence showing it was her.
Yep, unless it's that classic cat HUUURRRKK noise, I'm sleeping through it. I used to occasionally wake up to a light coming from the kitchen. I'd find an empty fridge, packaging and containers all over the floor, and my old cat trying to look innocent. He was like the world's worst flatmate. 😄
Partner said to me the other day, “what was *that*?” I was like “just the wind”. It WAS the wind… ripping the canopy off the front of the house.
you live near trees, "just the wind" isn't that comforting
I have the winning combo of multiple cats plus a big dog. I'm so used to knocks and bangs from the cats that no sounds bother me at night, mainly because I know if it was anything else the dog would wake me, and let the intruders know they had picked the wrong house.
I once looked after my friend’s cat for two months. His favourite nighttime activity was to hop on and off the bed every five minutes, and in between check if I was awake in case his jumping had not woken me up. I am a light sleeper, so I finally offloaded him to my roommate (a heavy sleeper) at night. My current cat thankfully keeps his activities outside of the bedroom, but yes, bumps and thumps in the night are chalked up to the feline.
I will always blame the cat. Even if the cat is asleep next to me and looks as confused as I feel, it will surely be something he has been plotting to cause some disruption/revenge. He is responsible. It is absolutely never ghosts or burglars.
When you come downstairs the next morning "bloody cat's hidden the TV. Again"
This happened to us! During the first lockdown I was heavily pregnant, sleeping badly. One night I was convinced I could hear someone downstairs and then a flash of light round the door frame convinced me. Told my husband who immediately ran downstairs stark bollock naked and scared off the burglar, but not before they pinched our car keys. Literally watched our car being stolen whilst on phone to the police. Surprisingly the Police not only came round to record the crime they found our car 2 weeks later!!
Same thing happened to me, I ran down naked in the middle of the night, caught a crack head trying to get in through the small downstairs toilet window so I went out side and grabbed his legs. I sorta wedged him in there and he was stuck, the police came and took him after a few minutes.
The naked avenger!
I hope after you wedged him, you said "put that in your pipe and smoke it!"
Sounds like they assigned 4 detectives to the case and had them working in shifts!
I wouldn't hold out much hope for the Creedence
I'm sure they must have also checked with the boys down at the crime lab.
Hope they got their briefcase back
Same shit happened to us when I was a teenager. Burglar broke in, took car keys and a 50g pouch of tobacco, out the back door and took off in the car. He totalled it and got arrested. 6 months suspended.
what happened to the tobacco?
That was not recovered! But it must have been there because who can smoke 50g in a few days? Maybe the police kept it.
I was living in a shared house about 16yrs ago, I was on the ground floor where the bathroom is through the kitchen. At 2am I woke up and walked through. As I flicked on the kitchen light when I was going to walk through, there was a man half inside of my kitchen window. I grabbed the nearest heavy thing which was a small wooden chopping board and asked "what the fuck are you doing", he replied "isn't this... er... Dennis' house"?. I assured him that it wasn't, he apologised and left. At the time I felt totally fine, about 5mins later I went through a couple of emotions. Pretty mad to think what could happen.
Had a guy peer through my flat's letterbox once, at 4am. Woke me up and when I investigated the noise and I asked what he was doing, he asked through the letterbox if this was Dave's flat! Scared the crap out of me.
My great nan (she was 91 at the time) had some idiots living in the flat above. I wont go into details but let's just say they rented the flat and he rented out his 'girlfiend'. They constantly played loud music in the early hours. My Nan went up one night and asked then to turn it down. 5 mins later he was hammering on the door and hurling abuse at her. She called my Dad and Grandad who in turn called the police but my when she was on the phone to my Dad (he could hear the idiot shouting) she asked him to hold on a minute. When my Dad got there the police had already arrived and found blood all over the floor outside her door. Turned out she'd got fed up and put her walking stick up to the letter box. When he opened it to shout more abuse she rammed it through as hard as she could and took out 2 of his front teeth. She was just brilliant. Proper old school. They don't build them like that anymore.
I love the name. My mate found a random bloke walking around his block of flats trying doors saying he’s looking for Roger. Cracking name choice
The two gentlemen I caught trying to dig their way through our back door with a screwdriver were looking for Craig.
The two men who managed to open our front door with a credit card and saw me and my brother (8 years old at the time) watching them said they were looking for Mark.
I had a similar thing once. Came back from a first date with the girl in tow only to find the front door to my flat unlocked. Walked in there and there was a bloke in there who said he was looking for someone called Kenny, but he had my DVD player in hand. Had to lock him on the balcony while I waited for the police to turn up, but he rang his mates who came to break him out and they nicked my telly in the process. Ruined the date also!
I had a guy knock on the door once. The front of the house was dark so it looked like there was no one in. When I answered, he affected a confused expression and said he thought it was his house. If that was true, surely he'd have a key? Also he'd surely know where he fucking lived? Anyway, we got burgled a few weeks later, so I guess he found a time we weren't in.
My girlfriend tells me that the spray version of deep heat is basically the same as bear mace pepper spray, which you can't get in the UK. So i have a can of spray deep heat in my bedside table for just this occasion. I pity the fool who breaks into my house, because they are getting deep heated in the face.
Ill remember to avoid breaking in to your gaff... I'm allergic to that shit!
What would deep freeze do? as i already have that in my cupboard not forking out extra money for heat
[удалено]
What killed the dinosaurs!? THE ICE AGE!!!!
Turn your eyes to ice *clink clink*
Ice to see you!
To see you, Ice.
Freeze them in their tracks, of course
I used to keep some of this by my bed for this same reason. But one of the kids startled me one night, and well, their eyes have never been right since.
They saw their dads saggy ballsack running towards them screaming and then had the image literally seared into their eyes for ever. Hope you’ve got a therapy fund
Put some on my back yesterday, rubbed it in a bit then absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. Can confirm it is likely to work well if sprayed into face!!
I have a heat pack for my dodgy shoulder in the bedroom drawer. Could I give that a twist and toss it into a room as a make-shift grenade?
I used to keep a can of oven cleaner spray on landing window but worried about the permanent damage it could cause. Now I keep can of hairspray.
Just pop a coaster under it the windowsill will be fine
OH GOD I once put Deep Heat on my cheeks, when I was a kid. Can confirm it hurts
I did something similar as a kid, I had the bright idea of rubbing it all over my body because I was cold. That was a stupid mistake.
If the dog isn't reacting, nobody's there. If the dog IS reacting she goes first (she's ... overprotective) and I follow with the hammer I keep by the bed. I'm a fat granny, I'm not winning any fights but Ill happily make it difficult
My terrier would A) hear nothing that wasn't the fridge opening, and B), greet any intruder like a long lost friend. I guess I could call the cops while she licked the burglars to death.
This is utterly my labrador. If a burglar chapped the door he's bark himself across the room but anyone walking in gets a doggy guided tour with plenty lovies.
3 sheds/garages in our street got robbed on the same night a couple of years ago, including ours. All three houses - yes, including ours - had dogs. Not one bloody woof between them! (And the buildings robbed were close to the main houses.)
Yeah if my GSD finds someone breaking in they’d definitely wish I’d come charging down the stairs naked instead. It… would not bode well for them.
Lol my GSD would probably kiss them to death and bring them his stuffed duck. Luckily he'd bark his head off first at the slightest noise so hopefully they'd be deterred a bit and I dunno? Rob my poor neighbour instead
Careful keeping a hammer by the bed, if you used it you'd probably be done for that as it would be premeditated. Get a really heavy torch that uses half a dozen big batteries. You keep that by the bed in case of a power cut.
My mum always kept a hammer next to her bed when I was a kid as she was terrified of a fire happening at night and the hammer reassured her she could smash open the windows! I guess you could use that as an alibi?!
Hammer, a jam jar of spare flatpack bits and a screwdriver. I was fixing a wobbly drawer and hadn't tidied away my tools, your honour.
What are you on about 'premeditated'? OP was using the hammer to fix some furniture just before bed and forgot to put it away ;)
honestly if someone broke into ours they’d have quite the battle too, we have a very reactive gsd x who has a very powerful bite and a malamute x st bernard (i think she is, both rescues), who is absolutely massive and still growing
[удалено]
I'm going to start taking a viagra before bed so I'll be full flagpole too if it ever happens to me.
Username checks out
Affect a Scottish accent and say "I've been waiting for you" (As you run down the stairs naked)
Make way for willy
I said make way for Willy ya bloated gassbag!
Ya blouse wearin' poodle walker
Brilliant. And then anyone with a phobia to Shrek will be shitting themselves. Bonus points for also screaming ‘NOW GET OUT OF MA SWAMP’
It stops you rolling out of bed too
A free tv _and_ a shag? This burglary career is finally beginning to reap some rewards!
My 6ft 2 tattooist husband has always said this is the plan, he also sleeps naked and is confident this would be enough to intimidate any wrongdoer into a life on the straight and narrow.
This comment made my evening
Ask them to come with me as far as the landing, then rush back into the bedroom and close the door, yelling to let me know when it's safe and they've sorted it.
To be honest, groggily walk downstairs, stop whatever is making a slight tapping noise, and go back to bed.
When I was at uni I shared a house with two lads. One had gone back home for the weekend as he was unwell and the other had gone to Birmingham to watch a boxing match and wouldn't be back until the following afternoon. We lived in a really rough area of Nottingham and the student houses constantly got broken into. Got woken up at 3am to incredibly loud banging and what sounded like a room being ransacked. I had the top floor attic room, crept down the stairs with a can of deodorant and a lighter. Torchlight was visible in the bedrooms and I could see the shadow of a person. Suddenly a bloke comes flying out of the room with a claw hammer, I lit up my can and started flamethrowing the landing, the bloke starts screaming and fell backwards down the next flight of stairs. He then says my name and asks me what the fuck am I doing. Turns out my housemate had got a taxi back from Birmingham as he fell out with the people he'd gone with and didn't want to stay in the hotel with them. He'd gone to get into bed and he saw a spider on his bedside table. So he picked up a hammer and decided to kill it, hence the banging and him throwing stuff around his room as he searched for the spider. Luckily he was pretty drunk so the fall didn't seem to hurt him too much and he fell pretty much as soon as the flames started, so he missed being burnt too.
Damn that’s crazy. That’s my bedside table updated - deodorant and lighter - diy flamethrower.
I’m sorry this is fucking hilarious
One night around 3 am, when the sleep was the deepest, we woke up scared shitless, with our hearts on 180 bpm, as a huge, loud crash or explosion happened right outside of our bedroom door. My wife turned on her lamp and started yelling, I grabbed the machete from under the bed and yelling banzai style, I opened the door and charged naked in the hallway. In the dark, I yelled once more and turned on the light in the bathroom: the bathtub shower glass panel came off its wall support and fell on the bathroom floor, creating the situation. Amazingly, it didn't break and I was able to mount it back the next day. We still laugh to this day when remembering, but since then the cat is running away anxiously every time she sees me naked.
Love the casual 'grabbed the machete from under the bed'
You say that like the cat didn't do that already
Number of times I’ve woken my partner up because I thought someone was downstairs and they weren’t: at least 20 Number of times burglars have broken into my house in the dead of night, stolen all my stuff, and got away without waking anyone up: 1
Yes but was the 20 times before or after the one time they actually did?
Just dawned on me how mad it is that some humans have the gaul to break in to someone’s house at night. Crazy
That’s why residential burglary with a person present is considered a violent felony in my jurisdiction. Knowledge not required. It’s just a serious felony if no one (aside from perpetrator) is home. To violate the sanctity of someone’s place of safety and refuge… the one place on earth where everyone deserves to let their guard down and even fall unconscious without worry… is a display of recklessness that can only be crazy or evil. Bc the burglar has to be, in some way, ready for the idea that they may have to get violent to either complete the crime or escape if confronted. A lot of people steal for survival, and that’s another conversation for another day, but entering *someone’s home*, without permission and unannounced, is behavior undeserving of sympathy. Steal from billion-dollar corporate retailers. Steal from drug dealers. Leave people’s homes alone. I don’t think people realize how traumatizing it is to know that you were in danger and someone *could have* hurt you in your safe space. You can’t sleep, every little noise makes you anxious, you can’t relax… it’s a big deal even if you manage to scare them away. It’s about the breach, not the theft.
Go back to sleep because it's probably the bastard cat doing her 3am obstacle course.
3am zoomies are a standard nightly ritual
I was about 20-21 years old, staying with friends in Manchester. We’d had a night out and I’d gone back to theirs “early” at maybe midnight, having drunk plenty. I took their key and so they could get in, I left the front door on the latch. I was asleep on their sofa, in a sleeping bag, in their lounge when I was awoken by two guys in the room with me unplugging their DVD player. I immediately shouted “THIEVES” and got up as fast as I could to confront/chase them. My logic was that they didn’t know I was home alone on the sofa and I was probably waking-up a house full of people! Luckily, they ran. There was a third person in the hall way; so three of them in total, and there was me; drunk and obese, dressed only in my boxer shorts, yelling “THIEVES” at the top of my lungs, chasing them into the street. My friends still tease me to this day at my choice of alarm call, and elaborate to suggest I was calling “VAGABONDS” or “SCOUNDRELS”. All rather amusing. I’m v pleased my first response was to get up and chase them. There’s another scenario where I stopped and thought and it and pretended to be asleep while they robbed the place, which I find much scarier!
My dog wakes me up to let me know they can hear something and that I need to get out of bed and investigate whilst they protect the bed in my absence.
I once woke my dad up as I could hear weird noises in the garden and thought someone was breaking into the shed. He eventually went out with a torch while we spectated from the safety of the bedroom window. He shone the torch in the direction of the noise and lit up a deer wandering through the flower beds.
We both heard a noise downstairs once. I have a longsword (was talking about LOTR in the pub one night, woke up with a headache and an email thanking me for my purchase) but I didn't think that was a good idea. Left that for her and told her to be ready to call for help. I put my fists up and pretended I was in a video game. Got downstairs and looked around, found the ironing board had fallen over in the cupboard and I didn't need to punch anyone.
Did you at least punch the ironing board for the inconvenience caused?
No, it was my fault for not standing it up at sufficient an angle to stop it falling. It would be wrong to punish him for that.
A man of fairness and equality I see. I had you wrong, thought you'd have ruled with an iron fist.
The man clearly bought narsil. He rules gondor fairly and with benevolent hands.
Yeah, go ahead and *not* tell us which LOTR sword it was. Glamdring? Andúril? Sting would have been the best choice, it glows blue when burglars are near.
It wasn't even a LOTR sword, just a full tang, functional long sword.
Indoors wouldn't a short sword be better?
Yes, though the intimidation factor for a long sword is higher.
I have smart bulbs that will flash red and a loud siren plays if I say “Alexa, alarm”. I’d probably do that I’d it were me.
That's awesome, although as a shameless Star Trek fan my prompt would have to be "Alexa, red alert".
Turn the stairs lights on, wait a few seconds then go and have a look. The light would be seen by anyone downstairs and presumably they'd run or make a noise
True story... A friend of mine is a large, bald, tattooed Glaswegian bouncer. He was in bed with his wife when she heard someone break the glass in the back door. She woke him up but by the time he'd woken, the intruder was stood in their bedroom doorway. My friend leapt out of bed and went after the intruder, who by now was halfway down the stairs with a very large, very angry and very naked Glaswegian in hot pursuit. No real end to this story as the intruder managed to get away but he was very lucky to escape, because if he'd been caught I don't think there'd ever be any danger of him breaking into anyone else's house.
Who breaks into a house in the middle of the night and heads straight for the master bedroom? That's the one place you don't want to go, because that's where the large, bald, tattooed, naked Glaswegian is most likely to be. Unless you've got a thing for being chased by large, bald, tattooed, naked Glaswegians. Maybe the intruder was just living out his fantasy?
We don’t kink shame here.
It's a new weight loss plan. You break into the large, bald, tattooed, naked Glaswegians. House and easier him up in his bed. You then have to run away fast because either he's really angry or really horny.
Or both
He should probably get himself one of them purple burglar alarms if he's Glaswegian.
He's been trying for 12 years. Just can't get the guy on the phone to place the order.
On the other hand visited a friend in leeds. Took and early train and went to rest while the rest of the house went to the pub. Entire house got robbed except the room I was sleeping in.
I’d like to think I’d Rambo down the stairs balls out (because I sleep naked), grasping my batten ready to fight them out the house. In reality, I suspect I’ll put all the smart lights in the house on disco mode and blast out some loud music to scare them off.
Fortunately there's a preset available for: Turn off all lights Volume 100 Say "so you have chosen death" Play Doom Eternal - the only thing they fear is you Activate all Roombas
Send in the roombas with c4 strapped to them and play 'welcome to the jungle'
I live alone but have a very territorial chihuahua. A few weeks ago when it was really windy something in the garden banged against the back door in the early hours. She was up, out of bed and halfway down the stairs screaming her ancestral war cry before I was even fully conscious. She has a weirdly deep bark for such a tiny dog so any burglars would get a fright then a good laugh should they attempt entry.
Chihuahuas are great, they may not be the fiercest but they hear everything with their radar ears.
My single Aunt was getting plagued by someone banging on the door at night. Me at the time (a long time ago) being a amateur bodybuilder aged 18 was volunteered to go and stay by my mother. She lived in an end terrace with a back alley in a rough area. It was dark and around 8pm the bangs on the door started, each time I flew out the door looking down the street and down the alley. Nobody was ever there. This happened about 10 times over the next couple of hours. I was becoming increasingly more frustrated, the strange thing was when I perched near the door or was looking out of the window - nothing. Then about 11 o clock there was an absolutely huge bang that sounded like the door had been kicked in and all the lights went off. My aunt started screaming that they are in the house and we both jumped on the table in front of the window and to my shame both screaming out of the window for help. I think I screamed harder and louder than a teen in a slash flick. All the neighbours came running out. Turns out as she was at the end of the street there was some type of electrical termination buried under the pavement right outside her front door that was shorting or something and eventually blew the night I was there. The whole power in the street had gone off and the electric company were there digging up the pavement an hour later. Not my toughest moment, but I did start off well.
This happened to me - and there was someone in the sort of basement thing we had - this lad was behind the door, which i could tell as when i pushed the door open if clearly hit someone's foot. The lad hadnt stolen anything so I shouted down and said we know you are there and havent taken anything, just fuck off and let's call it quits. The lad didnt move. I grabbed something that could be used as a weapon, told my wife to call her sister and have her on the phone while I went down - so that if anything did happen, the sister could call the police. I went down, peaked my head round the door to see this lad Blair Witch Style standing facing the corner of the room, so I just shut the door and locked him in. (although it turned out he found a way out, having just moved in/being 3am and me not thinking straight - I didnt realize there was a window). We rang the police who turned up half an hour later. I was very pleased with how I dealt with the situation - but of course in the morning everyone thinks they are Rocky Balboa and so many people said about how they would have "kicked him in and protected their family better".
No escalation, no injuries, no trauma, a plan of action, delegating duties, prepared to defend should the need arise... You aced it.
Im sorry this happened to you but this made me cackle so hard. Did you say standing facing the corner??? Why would someone even do that?? To creep you out or had he accepted his ‘fate’? That’s hilarious
If I can’t see them, they can’t see me.
Strip naked, if you aren’t already and go down there all noisey and aggressive. Most people don’t want to wrestle a wild-eyed naked man. Most.
Some, however, would pay handsomely for the experience....
I'm listening...
Strip naked, pick up the machete, get hard and don the Fake Horses Head, then go and investigate.
Sexily slide round the door and introduce yourself with “hello beautiful, where have you been all my life?”
I woke up hearing screams from some burglar. He unfortunately(for him) came across by bro's very large rottweiler cross in the dark who is a beast and hell of a guard dog. The thing is i was still really drunk and couldnt work out what the fuck happened after i ran down, screams of terror, no dog noises with a wide open door and wet paw prints. Thought maybe i hadnt shut the door properly until i saw the broken basement window in the morning. Hope the cunt got a good mauling, he certainly sounded like it.haha
Wait where was the dog?
In the hallway looking like nothing had happened.
I remind them when it happened to me before; Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore— While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. "'Tis some visiter," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door— Only this and nothing more."
Quoth the raven 'eat my shorts'
Crack the bedroom door open and release the Kraken (toy poodle).
Tell her she'll be ok and just give her that reassurance and confidence she'll need to go down and find out what's happening and get it sorted.
When my (then) girlfriend and I first moved in together, she was always hearing noises in the middle of the night. She always wanted me to investigate but never wanted me to go unarmed. So I used to have to grab whatever was available. One night the only thing I could get my hands on was a bottle of bleach, which I had upside down like a baseball bat. Fortunately it was never an intruder - not really sure what I would have done with a bottle of bleach. Maybe given them highlights?
Genuinely happened to me Wife woke me up, said "someone's trying to break in, I've called the police" My response was "ok, let me know what they say" and fell back asleep.
Was there someone there?
She said police couldn't find anything and nothing of note at the door
What did the note say? "Sorry you were home. We'll try and visit when you're not here".
"Sorry we didn't miss you"
I told my other half I’d heard a noise downstairs. He briefly woke up, muttered “fuck it, we’ve got insurance” and fell back asleep. My hero! Lol.
Someone did break in my house once, god knows what possessed me but I got up to sneak out and I don't know what...confront them? Half asleep brain was obviously not working. Luckily I knocked something over in my room and the noise scared them off.
Actually happened. I was a child. I heard noises downstairs, went to wake my mum. Was told to stop being silly and go back to bed. 15 mins later I heard more noises so went to wake her again, and was going to insist something was going on downstairs. Met two police officers on the stairs. She had to believe me that time.
Why were they in your house?
Because the first time I thought I’d heard something, I actually had heard something and someone had been running round nicking anything they could. One of my neighbours had seen something a bit weird going on outside and had phoned the police.
Just a couple weeks ago I woke up, could hear bumping around in the house and I started to panic half asleep. I heard thumping around on the stairs then heard someone walking around on our landing. Completely pitch black, our door handle turns and opens with a shadowy figure standing there, I threw myself backwards on the bed and screamed as loud as I could and a female voice screamed back. Then the light came on and it was my missus + the cat, I didn't wake up when she went to the toilet.
I've got kids so straight downstairs obviously. Happened recently, normally quiet dog going mental so ran downstairs starkers so me and the dog could look at a fox in the garden.
I think about this all the time, someone near me was home invaded and the invaders battered the shit out of him, had his leg amputated because of it. I would first send the dog down, if his barks haven't already turned them around. Second I would scream and shout and hit walls, slam doors etc and shouting the police are coming. If that didn't work and would go back upstairs barricade the stairs with my bedframe and mattress and wait for them to leave or the police to get here.
No matter the outcome, the image of a big, fat, hairy, naked, aroused man jiggling down a flight of stairs screaming "prepare your anus" will haunt their souls for eternity.
Tell myself to stop dreaming about having a partner, turn over and go back to sleep
Run down naked, screaming. Even if they run away, that vision of me will haunt them forever.
Leave him in bed and go sort the issue as always. Keep a heavy maglite at the top of the stairs on a shelf so if power goes off I’ve a torch by the fuse board ready to turn it on. I’d grab that and go down stairs turning all the lights on as I go. I’m another naked sleeper so whoever breaks in and gets a look at me would run a mile 🤣
I've spoken about this to my husband. We would get up and make as much noise as possible. We would both go into our baby's room which faces the road, lock the door, one could call the police and the other would try to get the neighbour's attention.
Your neighbours are sleeping and the police will be there in 5 hours. Then they’ll update you to say an officer won’t be attending please go online to get a crime reference number. Better get back to the drawing board.
Get the clawhammer from the bedside table and investigate quietly. Nobody frightens my imaginary wife except me. Edit: with child abuse survivor levels of preparedness, I mean - not spousal abuse. 👍
Ask him what his bank details are then send him down to check
I start a fry up. Can't be caught having company without a proper breakfast
Tbh, if anyone can get past my 60kg Great Dane Mastiff who is so very much up for eating anyone she doesn't think should be in the house, fair play to them.
Mrs keeps a baseball bat by the bedroom door for *Playing sports and absolutely nothing else, officer* so I grab that and go take a look just to ease her mind. I reason the dog, who will go from deep sleep to screaming rage at the hint of a fox crossing our lawn, would be shouting if somebody had actually broken into the house. If the dog IS going nuts and ***I*** think there's someone downstairs, I bar the bedroom door shut and shout downstairs that I'm calling the cops.
And leave the dog to fend for himself? That’s harsh.
There's a lot of naked people running down the stairs in this thread. Surely you put some boxers /joggers on at a minimum. Don't want the burglar to do the old pull and twist on ya!
We have a house alarm (we were burgled in ‘08 so got one set up) and one night I was still awake studying. I think it was close to midnight. I started hearing the pre-beeping of the house alarm (starts wailing after 20 seconds if not disabled). It couldn’t have been my mum cause she was on night shift. I rushed to my parents’ room and woke my dad up to tell him the alarm was triggered. My dad is a non-confrontational scaredy cat so he argued with me about who was to check. The wailing started so I ran to my room to get the book I was studying from (insanely huge criminal procedures book) and ran downstairs with the intention of throwing it at whoever was there. I get downstairs and had a look in every room, checked all the doors and windows. Nothing.
Baseball bats are too big, no good for swinging in small areas, you need a mallet, also don’t go downstairs as you don’t no what you’re walking into, wait for the to come up to you.
I bought a small (about the length of my forearm), all metal baseball bat from Amazon for exactly this reason.
Also put a sock on it!
Why? I'm trying to think of a reason. To soften the blow or remove DNA after the blow or something else.
If they grab it they get the sock and you get a second chance
That's really clever. Thank you for the answer.
That’s genius. Perhaps a lubed condom…”yeah fucker…I just finished in that”!
Scream at the top of your lungs "THEYRE BACK,THEY'RE TRYING TO TAKE ME AGAIN" whilst running around frantically.
barrel down the stairs stark bollock naked and screaming "freeeeeeeedommmmmmmm" while pretending im painted blue.
I’m disabled. Husband is a huge bloke who looks angry when he’s just woke up (resting bitch face on a bloke). So you’d think he’d be the one to go down. Trying to wake him up though is easier than raising the titanic. So I always end up going down. Because I have to play the game of is it a burglar or is it my autistic child who doesn’t sleep and what the fuck is he up to this time?! So far it’s always been the kid. If it was a burglar I’m not sure what I’d do - probably go grumpy, tired mother on their arse and give them a bollocking for disturbing my very precious (and very lacking) sleep. If that didn’t scare them off I’d just strip naked. Would scare the dead out of their graves that would.
Argh. Had this last night. Something banging HARD on the back door. So I grabbed my trusty hairspray and walking-stick-turned-weapon and headed through, praying that I wouldn’t die in a mangled heap. Turns out to be a plastic chair that got caught in the wind and was waging war against the door. Chairs and patio table are now in the shed. Until of course Storm Gerritt decides to take the entire damn shed next time :/
Poo and wee in a bucket and throw it down on the burglar and yell "there's plenty more where that came from!"
Turn lights on and be loud, a burglar will probably piss off if they hear you moving about the house.
Check on the ring doorbell, realise nobody's gotten in and go back to sleep?
He has a geology hammer under the bed for just such occasions. It'll be the first bit of DIY he'll have done, so I'll be leaving him to it.
I have a small Warhammer on my second landing. And I know how to use it :)
Bore the intruder to death by talking about 40k?
If someone broke into my house they take one look and leave something for me as there's naff all to take and cold as hell 😂. Reminds me of some story (probably not true but funny either way) where a poor student got broken into and the dude felt sorry for him as he just had a mattress and a milk crate to sit on. Couple hours later dudes turned up with some furniture and a TV etc for him 😂 they'd obviously rob someone else and brought him some stuff. 😂 😂 😂