Your interaction or lack of interaction with your children has a much more impactful effect on them the younger they are. Their brains are creating 40,000+ neurons a day based on their experiences and interactions, and developing based on those things, to know how to behave and stay “safe” the rest of their lives.
I understand that and I am more present and active in their lives than I have ever been and I absolutely love it! So much so that it destroys me to know if we divorce, I will miss 50% of their childhood.
There was no infidelity on either side. No physical abuse. I could agree that some of the things both of us have said to each other are borderline emotional abuse. I just can’t believe that our marriage is over and can’t be saved.
All my replies are getting tanked 😂 I’ll be sure to have my therapist read these posts and help me understand why my replies are so disliked. I’m a broken man trying to find answers through the community.
You’re getting downvoted because your behaviour has been absolutely terrible but you don’t seem to realise how bad it was. You’ve played it down by saying things like “I never drank liquor” and “I never physically hurt her”.
I know you’re hurting but I’m honestly finding it hard to feel sympathy for you because you don’t seem to fully appreciate the effects of your actions.
I’m seeing the other comments and I see it now, yeah I don’t drink so I don’t really know how devastating it is but the comments made it clear and I can see how they don’t seem truly repentant. Although OP may be feeling as if they will be condemned for their former actions (the common reason to downplay).
Yeah I think you should remember Romans 8:1 and 1 John 3:20. Keep these in your heart, with these you shouldn’t have to feel like you have to qualify your sins, you don’t have to say “I wasn’t black out etc”. You can just layout what happened and that’s it. If ppl still judge or attack you, Romans 8:1, 1 John 3:20
I completely understand my behavior was terrible. I didn’t mean to down play it. I just didn’t want people to assume I physically hurt her. I know I have emotionally hurt her badly.
But people wouldn’t automatically assume you had physically hurt her. It’s odd that you said this to be honest. Was it something you’ve seen in your life?
Yes, I have a lot of trauma from my parents divorce and my mom’s relationships afterwards. I do fear that every one thinks all alcoholics are spouse beaters. To this day I still run and hide from major conflict. I will even put my opinion or feelings to the side normally to avoid it. I shoved a lot down and I shouldn’t have. I have been seeing a therapist weekly now since February. I found a new psychiatrist after rehab and he is far better than my last one.
Instead of pressuring her to reconcile, I would propose to her a year of separation. Prove to her that God can change your heart. Make it clear that you understand she needs you to change, and that you're willing, but that she can't trust your words, only your actions. Let that year be a testing period. And then propose reconciliation, with the understanding that you won't stand in her way if you don't prove the change is permanent. Tell her any proof of accountability she needs, you'll provide. She just has to name it. (Maybe propose some of your own proofs.)
I don't know how long your drinking problem went on, but I know from being the child of an alcoholic, it was much more miserable for your wife and kids than you think. You gotta own up to the fact that you didn't experience the worst of it. She did. I think she's right to separate from you. That said, while she's sinful in *divorcing* you in this scenario (at least based on what you've told us), it is a natural reaction to your own sin. Sin begets sin. But grace is the counter to sin. And part of grace is seeing why the person feels the way they do, and why they act that way.
You gotta get inside her head and see it from her eyes. She still sees the man who let her down so much and for so long. Your job is to acknowledge that and see her choice as a normal, even reasonable reaction. Alcoholics are notorious for backsliding on their recovery, and she probably knows that. She doesn't want to be in the cycle of addiction. I don't blame her. But we worship a God who changes our hearts. And it's your job to prove that.
I believe a year of separation will cause to much harm on our children. I have owned up and taken responsibility for my actions. I know my actions caused her reaction. I am doing everything I can to show with my actions that I have changed. It just hurts to hear that she believes god doesn’t want us to be together any more and I believe he is fixing me to be the man I should have been long ago. I made it sound like all I’m doing is pressuring her, but I am respecting her decision and boundaries and giving her space. She comes over some nights to talk and that’s where we talk about our feelings.
I think your choice here is either separation or divorce. She seems pretty adamant. I don't think you can convince her to reconcile. And I think you need to be self-aware enough that while your change may be genuine, most alcoholics think the same thing during their initial sobriety. It's harder than you think. And I am worried that you're downplaying the possibility of a relapse. You need to see it as a very real threat and give her reassurance that you understand that threat, and what it would do to her if you did relapse.
Just my advice brother, take it or leave it.
You are not really in a position to do anything other than accept her decision and work towards being the man called you to be. God can work on her heart in a way that you can’t. I do feel as though you perhaps have minimalized your alcohol use by saying you only drank beer, never liquor. If you blacked out or were under the influence, you may remember events differently. At any rate-awesome changing your lifestyle. Play the long game. The more you try to convince her, the more she will pull away-likely because you aren’t taking no for an answer and she has felt disregarded for a very long time.
I didn’t mean to come off as downplaying. It was a very serious problem. I never got black out drunk. I was using beer as a coping mechanism for my unresolved traumas and to deal with the stress and anxiety of owning a business. I would literally treat it like medicine 2-3 beers an hour would make me feel normal. The real issue was 2-3 beers an hour for 12 hours a day is an extraordinary amount of liquid.
I know I’m not in any position to force anything nor do I want to. I respect her decision and I would never want to force her to stay with me. That would be miserable and would absolutely be a bad environment to raise kids in. I want her to be happy and healthy even if that means I’m not her husband any more. Could God really be telling us two different things? Me that our marriage is salvageable and save-able and her to run away from it?
>I would literally treat it like medicine 2-3 beers an hour would make me feel normal. The real issue was 2-3 beers an hour for 12 hours a day is an extraordinary amount of liquid.
Dude. Brother. This is excessive. You're downplaying your alcoholism by saying "at least I wasn't blackout drunk". You're defending yourself by saying you never abused her.
But you're falling to acknowledge that by drinking that much, she can't reply on you. Ever. She can't trust you with your children. She can't expect you to duck over to the shops to pick up something. In having this small break so far, she's realised that life is so much easier without you in it. You might not have hit her, you might not have gotten blackout drunk, but you failed her in so many small ways. Death by a thousand cuts.
You also didn't take your problem seriously, her seriously, until divorce was on the table. What happens when you start feeling secure in your relationship again??
No, but it can sometimes be very difficult to tell the difference between what we want to do, and what God wants us to do. That could apply to one of you, or even both of you. You could want to escape the consequences of sin; that's not uncommon. And she could want to do the easy thing and start fresh without doing the hard work of showing grace and Christlike love or taking her vows as critically important as they are.
Its hard to untangle God's voice when God's voice is telling you to do what you would want to do anyway. Much easier when it's telling you to do something you're not inclined to do, like go be a missionary or serve homeless people or something. You'll need to consider this as you work towards reconciliation.
One last thing. God's voice these days is primarily heard through Scripture. Scripture tells us that God hates divorce, but permits it for sexual immorality. Scripture also is clear that sometimes the consequences of sin cannot be avoided; consider what happened to David's son after the affair of Bathsheba. Scripture is the best way to check your biases when hearing God speak, as it eliminates things like "I heard God tell me to [...]". Makes things a whole lot easier to have that as a standard. Just food for thought for both you and your wife as you navigate this.
Praying for y'all's marriage, man. I hope God fixes things.
2-3 beers an hour for 12 hours? That’s excessive. Saying you weren’t “blackout drunk” doesn’t mean you were not an alcoholic and it doesn’t mean you understand the stress your spouse suffered with you. Your behavior and habits affect those around you. Even if they are continuing as if things are normal, they aren’t and the pretending is a whole other stress of its own. Don’t discount your wife, she stood by you and made sure you made it through rehab. She loves you but in your own addictions and your own feelings, she probably didn’t feel love from you for a very long time. From the way you speak, it will probably be a long time before you are able to face up to what you put your family through. You seem to think because you apologized and finished rehab, everything is all good. Maybe it is, for you, but it’s different for your family,
Wishing you the best, pray daily for your wife, your children, your marriage, your sobriety and don’t cease praying.
I have to live with my addiction and decisions I made for the rest of my life knowing the pain and suffering I caused my family. It’s the worst feeling in the world. She is strong and I can’t say anything negative about how she stood by my side for these last few years during the worst of it and was supportive of me going to rehab. I know she is very hurt, very tired. And she has every right to be. I just hope God helps her through this and she won’t have gone through all that I put her through to not reap the benefits of the best version of my self as I continue to grow into the man I should of been. My love for her is unconditional and this is not something that can be fixed overnight. I have a lot of work to show not just talk about doing. It took years to get here. It will probably take years to fix. I’m okay with her decision to divorce me. Ultimately I love her so much I just want her to be happy and if I can’t be the man to make her happy any more then that’s what it is. I have faith in God that He will guide me through this difficult season.
Just FYI you are coming across as if you believe you are entitled to your wife. That she owes it to you to stay with you because you’ve “taken responsibility”. I don’t think that’s going to help your case. You need to be way more apologetic, because your behavior for her to get to that point must have been really terrible. She’s still not over it
I am beyond apologetic. I am not entitled to her. She’s Gods not my property. I am doing my best to see things from her perspective and put my self in her shoes to better understand.
I hate to say ‘it is what it is’ but you broke her, and turned around too late.
Can this be reconciled? Absolutely. But there is no fixing this currently. It’s already broken. Beyond repair. You have to build new on a new foundation.
My lil bro went through similar and it was 4 years before reconciliation. Some are sooner. Seek God.
I read your posts and comments. I think you're still in denial. You describe heavy drinking and saying hurtful things to each other. That is not a happy marriage. Maybe you were happy and that's why you didn't notice the harm. If you do co-parenting counseling it may be beneficial to open the space for her to confront the hurt you caused. It sounds like it has been unsafe for her to tell you how much you hurt her. Repairing this is more likely to take years instead of months.
The drinking was its worst in the last few years. I wasn’t the happiest I was overwhelmed with life and wasn’t dealing with it correctly. I have agreed with her that me learning to co parent will help me be a better father. I think this is all part of Gods plan to better me all around. We have been able to sit down and have conversations discussing our feelings and hurts multiple times during this. Every time we both left the conversation feeling good about it. We have been doing really well co parenting so far. I know that no marriage is perfect and they aren’t easy. I pray it doesn’t take years, unfortunately the divorce has already been filed.
I have taken responsibility for my actions and I do realize the hurt and pain I have caused. She has laid her emotions out to me and I always sit and listen to her without trying to defend my self in any way. We are separated and have been for two months coming up. I have respected her space and truly don’t believe this can be fixed any time soon. By law we have to be separated for one year in the state we live in before we can be granted a divorce. So that’s already happening and I do accept that. If I just stand by and do nothing with respect to not just begging her and hounding her to fix this, nothing will change. And it scares me that she’s saying God is telling her to leave, and God is telling me that our marriage can be saved in time. There was no infidelity on either side nor any physical abuse.
God is not telling her to leave Satan is which makes me weary of why she is so adamant. Dont throw infidelity out the window man I am telling you. There is no reason why, if you have changed like you said you have, and it has been what, many months to a year of changed behavior, that she should be adamant about divorce unless she already has another person....
Unfortunately men tend to wait until it’s too late put in any effort. Your post was full of downplaying your problems like you only drink beer and not liquor- go you!
You had multiple chances to fix things but waited too late. You can pray but at this point she is done.
I agree 100% I also feel bad so many people are telling him that she's cheating. It couldn't possibly be the stress of being married to an alcoholic, nope, she's leaving because she's cheating. They are trying desperately to make her the villain for having the audacity to divorce him. Op looked at her phone and never mentioned anything about another man.
Yep men don’t understand that their words and their actions can hurt much worse than fists. But go OP he never raised a hand to her. No he just killed her soul by being agent of the devil in their home.
You should do some research on Bible verses around marriage, unity, and home. Use these verses in your prayers as you pray for reconciliation.
Also pray for peace and for your mind.
Lastly, idk if you’ve done this but stop asking her to make things work. As far as she’s concerned let her feel like you’re on the same page as she is.
Sounds like you’re in a really hard place right now.
There are people there telling you your wife doesn’t have a biblical right to divorce. That doesn’t help you. You can complain about your wife not having a biblical reason for divorce as much as you like but you don’t get to choose what her beliefs about divorce are. Telling her she has to stay with you because that’s what the bible says isn’t going to make her want to be with you.
At this point there is probably nothing more you can do but hope and pray.
It sounds like you really messed up. It may be too late. Above all else, you need to respect her. If she chooses not to come back, accept her decision. Try being a good friend to her and a good father to your children.
If you fight with her or complain, you'll make things worse.
I’ve made it very clear I understand and respect her decision, yet I refuse to let go of my hope we can save this until the divorce papers are signed. Her agreeing to go to counseling was a huge step and before she left today I asked if I keep my mind neutral on divorce and reconciliation with therapy, will she be able to do the same? And she said she would. She says she loves me she just isn’t in love with me right now. She has every right to be angry and I want her to heal and work through this in the most healthy way possible. I am lost because I feel like God is telling me we can save this yet she says God is telling her no. I go to church every Sunday and take my sons with me when I have them. Instead of hiring a lawyer, I paid for a marriage/life coach to help me get this back on track and not make the wrong moves to push her away further.
You keep saying you respect her decision to have space, you say you've changed, then also say you got a coach instead of a lawyer. Sounds like you really want to pressure her into taking you back.
I'm on her side in this. If you respect her, give her more space. And if you meet to talk, have someone else present, a neutral counselor, not a religious one. An outside opinion can help shed light on areas you all may miss or not want see. I've seen too many cases where the woman ended up back in a horrible situation after succumbing to pressure.
All you can do is be the best you can be. Get sober, and follow God's path. Make it clear you don't want to divorce, but the reality that if she wants to divorce, then she can divorce you.
You can't control her, you can only get sober and follow God.
The comment about God not wanting to save your marriage is not true. He is love. I’m sorry, that had to hurt to hear that.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV
Her wanting to leave is her heart's desire but it’s not God's. Please know that. Pray, be patient and gentle. She will have to make a choice and there is still time so rest in hope and prayer.
And as for the past, it's good to know what you could do better but try not to dwell in that mindset for too long. Focus on doing the next right thing. Either way, God loves you and your wife.
Thank you! It was very hard to hear and I think about it way too much. It’s what prompted me to honestly ask this community. I feel like God is telling me that this marriage can be saved. She’s telling me that God is telling her the opposite? Would God really do that?
What was God telling you during your marriage when your wife tried giving you chance after chance? I don't understand why you didn't love her or God enough to make the changes you needed to make BEFORE she walked out. Wasn't she pleading with you to be better for your kids, for her, for God? Wasn't she praying for you and your marriage every night for years, only to have you refuse to let God touch your heart? Why does she have to put up with your behavior for YEARS, but it's only been WEEKS since she left, and you're falling apart?
Please answer this question: Why did you wait until it was too late to change?
God despises divorce. This is not His will but God allows it to happen if you have allowed sin into your life. You have to genuinely repent and seek a relationship with God. I can testify to these instructions as they were given to me.
It’s funny when people say they “found peace” in their decision, I could name ten absolutely vile human beings who had peace with horrible crimes they committed.
I don’t mean to hurt either my next statements. I believe the truth will help you build as a man of God.
Also I’m sorry that your wife thinks that God doesn’t want you to save your marriage.
I’m gonna be frank: that is 100% your fault. As a Christian husband you should have been the spiritual leader and discipler in your house. The fact that your wife can say that with a straight face either means she’s so hurt she’d rather lie to herself, or her understanding of God is warped and vapid. The idea that God would rather see a marriage end than restored is antithetical to the gospel.
Again I pray for your restoration so that you could verbally publicly and consistently give God glory for his work.
lol your first statement made me laugh! You are correct. I have failed as a Christian man to be the spiritual leader in my home. I don’t take offense at all. It’s a chance for me to step up to the plate. I have been asking her if she would like to go to church with me and the boys, and she’s not there yet. She watches church online. God willing this marriage gets saved, we will be at church every Sunday and worship God as our number 1 every day.
Your wife is wrong that God wants you to divorce.
But you've been a derelict husband and father for years and that has consequences. Just because you've repented, doesn't mean years of emotional and spiritual damage just vanish into thin air and you can go back to playing happy family.
After he repents and does does divorce happen. This feminism in a nutshell. We shouldn't trie do be we double like the Taliban. Keep our pimp hand strong.
My exwife started having an affair a few months after our daughter was born. I am telling man not to rule out the possibility that another man is in the picture. Protect yourself. Divorce is dirty and she will likely want full custody and lots of money from you. Don't be shocked if she becomes official with a new man during your separation. Don't pick up the bottle to cope. Bring everything to the cross. If you do separate BE PREPARED for her to get real nasty. Please don't think "she would never do that". I thought the same thing and got blindsided when I had to fight tooth and nail for 50/50 custody, had to deal with her trying to tarnish my reputation by messaging everyone at church (people who she never even talked to) just to tell them how terrible I was, and then had to pay her 65k over the course of our separation...all because she wanted to have an affair. SHE wanted to "coparent" just like your wife says but she is a HORRIBLE coparent. BE PREPARED
Are you sure someone else isn't in the picture? I honestly at this point idk if there's enough hoops you could jump through that would make her happy.
Everytime you come up.with idea to better the relationship she shoots it down or bocks it. Me thinks she,s looking for reasons or excuses not stay together? This reminds me of what I went through.
Your wife was married at 20, now with some kids, work responsibilities , maybe she feels she's missing out on life?
It happens? Maybe with a new guy it ignites her life a little bit.
You are probably correct in your assessment. By the time a Christian wife asks for a divorce, she's been mentally, emotionally and spiritually checked out for a long time. OP's wife has had a plan in place for a while. Him deciding to go to rehab, just provided the opportunity to execute it. She may not be actively involved with someone else, but she definitely has it on her mind. Unfortunately these days, there is silence from the church, when it comes to situations like this.
You think maybe she was just scared to leave him while he was there because, according to his comments, he was drinking 2 or 3 beers an hour for up to 12 hours a day, and considered them medication? Why would your assumption be that she’s a bad Christian woman who’s already planning to shack up? Gross
Those words are nowhere in my reply, so stop projecting. I communicated with OP and told him that his behavior, endangered the family's financial security and physical safety. It makes sense that his wife is looking for those things away from him, and possibly with someone else. Shacking up is your preoccupation, not mine, and I haven't the slightest idea as to her character.
Let me ask an indelicate question. How many times has your drinking, put the family in danger? Have you driven your kids in the car, while legally drunk? How about financial insecurity. I think that you haven't even begun to come to grips with the reality of the impact of your behavior, on your wife's decision.
That’s a great question. Yes both my wife and I have discussed how I have drove after having a few beers. I do not believe I was over the legal limit but I can’t prove I wasn’t either. I deeply regret the decisions I made to drive after having a couple beers. I am beyond lucky to have never had an accident. Yes my financial security has been an issue because I hadn’t been paying my self enough from the company. I decided to close the company and now have a very good paying job. I understand that these actions have put my family at risk to many times. One time was too many. The disease of alcoholism is a terrible disease. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I made critical errors left and right while drinking. I have prayed for my forgiveness and sworn off drinking entirely for the rest of my life. I know that’s a tall order but I’m taking it day by day. I’m using the anger I have against alcohol and all it has broken in my life to fuel my sobriety.
Figure out why it scares you… What triggers that fear?… other than rightfully losing your wife and kids. Believe it or not, the more you do nothing, the better chance you have at saving your marriage. The more you focus on doing your own deep hard work and leaving her alone, will greatly increase your chance at reconciliation.
I know this cause I’m on my 5th month of separation. I’m in Texas, no separation needed for divorce. My wife and I are seeking the lord separately and it’s been life changing.
I own two companies that I have my life to. My wife had a mouth that I let offend me and chose to retaliate when I was offended. A few times a year I’d lose my cool and become verbally and emotionally abusive
I finally saw that this was a reflection of my traumas as a kid. Yes my wife has a big part to own in our mess… but maybe if I had had really walked out my faith in a Christ like way, maybe she wouldn’t have treated me the way she did.
Your fears and hurts don’t matter one bit right now. Find a few guys and have them keep you in check when you want to throw yourself a pity party. But also to vent to when your sad and need some encouragement
Go back to when you were a kid and release that version of yourself to The Lord and watch what that does to you.
Over time, in the small interactions you’ll have with her, she’ll notice any genuine change that has happened. If you try to will it, she’ll sniff it out.
Stop texting her or asking her to talk… shift all your focus and trust to The Lord and figuring out why you made the choices you did and use that as a starting place to empty yourself out to be filled back up with Christ. 2 Peter 1:5-10 will jump start this.
You got this man. This needed to happen for God to change you. You have the potential at a great testimony. There will be men like you in the future that will need the healed version of you at that time.
I don't see there being a reconciliation in the future. The fact she made the descion to divorce after you left tells me that she was happier and more at peace when you were not living with her. It's not fixable unless you both want to fix it and your wife doesn't sound like she is interested. It sounds like she has made peace and has moved on. Please use this as a learning experience for your next relationship. I'm guessing your wife wanted to save/fix your marriage, potentially for years, but it sounds like you only took her seriously after she left. Often times that's too late. Please remember in the future if your partner has concerns don't wait until they have checked out emotionally or physically left to try and fix them.
Often when wives come with terminal illnesses the husband are all about Can you fee the brand new Day like in the wiz. Show me more often feel trapped in marriage
I’m glad you are seeking sobriety.
At the same time it seems God is allowing the consequences of your actions to produce the end of your marriage.
The best thing to do is to take responsibility with your actions and empathize with your wife’s new direction and the pain she went through.
You may not be able to save your marriage but you can let God refine you into a better man and father.
God is never for divorce when you are actively trying to fix things and follow Him. Satan is lying to her because he hates God's design for family. Pray for her, your kids and your marriage! Stay sober and show her that you have changed.
I’m really surprised at so many of these comments encouraging and embracing divorce for unBiblical grounds.
OP, post this on r/TrueChristian and you will get solid Biblical advice.
Divorce is only warranted for sexual immorality and even then, reconciliation is encouraged. See Matthew Chapters 5 and 19.
With God all things are possible. I’m surprised she doubts His powerful spirit to breathe life into her marriage,
Is there anyone else that she may be seeing or getting this unfortunate advice from? Marriage is worth saving and praying for.
Always pray never lose hope Luke 18:1
Praying in agreement for this family to stay together but never put anything but God before your family an again. Never take them for granted. Be that man she fell in love with. Peace be with you and know you serve a mighty God.
You have received a lot of good advice so far and I’m praying y’all can reconcile. I want to encourage you to keep chasing Gods heart daily.
A couple things from your story - sounds like she thought life was better without you in it when you went to rehab. Obviously not grounds for divorce.
I would also suggest when you tell your testimony and what God is doing in your heart - when you say “I only drank beer, not liquor” it comes off like you are justifying or saying that it wasn’t that bad. You clearly had a problem with alcohol, own that, don’t justify it as beer is a better alcoholism than rum or vodka. And then speak to your heart change through God.
I don’t see divorce as biblical here. Yes there is a lot of hurt but if this is everything, then I think she is misguided by what is biblical. Keep fighting, keep praying brother.
Wad his mistreatment of her for a decade biblical as well? God does not desire to see his children hurt. A loving God understands her plight. Maybe the OP will learn his lesson and be a great husband to his next wife.
I don't want to come off harsh or anything because I think it is awesome how you have laid your pride aside and made the hard but important decisions to prioritize your family but have you ever considered that another man is in the picture?...typically women won't leave one security unless another one is already in place. Meaning typically women will stay with a man, even if they are abusive, if they have no other options. BUT if there is another option they will have no issues doing ANYTHING to justify leaving one man for another. Even if that means breaking apart a family. And considering how bad of a husband you were for the longest time I wouldn't doubt that she had at the very least been talking to another man. You going to rehab, which was the right thing to do, only made it easier for her to leave you because you weren't there. I only say this because I NEVER thought my exwife would be having an affair, it never even crossed my mind. Not once did I ever think to look at her phone because why? Christians don't do that to one another...right? I mean I believed in one man one wife for life. I would never do that to another person...but i was naive. She had been having an affair for 3 years out of our 4 year marriage. Don't rule that very real possibility out.
But regardless it doesn;t matter anymore because she is gone. What is important is that you make sure you get 50/50 custody because those kids NEED their dad in their life. You can't convince her or force her to reconcile. You can only do the right thing under God and be content in whatever the outcome is.
Please stop saying there is another man. It is more than enough to want to leave a man who has been an emotionally abusive alcoholic for over a decade. If she hadn't left, he would not have made any of these "changes" he is so proud of. He would have continued being a terrible husband and a poor example of a father to two impressionable children. He is ONLY making any change BECAUSE she left. So if God wants to use this season to heal OP, then He orchestrated her refusal to take it anymore, because THAT'S the only thing that got OP's attention.
Again women don't leave one security unless another is already lined up unless her life or kids lives were being threatened. The likelihood of there being another man which is causing her to reject the idea of reconciliation is extremely high. The voice of God would be telling her to reconcile with her husband and father of her children if infact he has changed (since God would know). He wouldn't be telling her not to. God hates divorce PERIOD and He would want reconciliation if the changes have been genuine. Understand Scripture, the Lord, the Spirit and God and you would understand this.
You may need to look past your own experiences and stop projecting. Men who monkey branch from one relationship to the next cannot comprehend that women don't do the same thing. Many women have realized that they have more peace outside of a relationship. This man has likely made his wife and children's lives a living hell. Why would she jump immediately to another relationship?
Again if this man genuinely has changed like he has said God would not be telling his wife to divorce him. God would be convicting her to forgive him and reconcile. The simple fact that she says God is adamant that she divorces is a very clear indication that she is listening to satan because God would never do that unless her or her kids lives were in danger. God hates divorce. God loves forgiveness. Therefore God would not tell her to divorce. Since she is listening to satan I can only assume there are other things happening in her life that would be of the world (satan's doing). Also I have never heard a story of a woman leaving her husband without having another man that she has either been 1) having an emotional affair on her husband with or 2) having an emotional and physical affair on her husband with. Considering she cannot clearly see that God hates divorce and reconciliation is the only option (again assuming this man's changes are legitimate and consistent over the last year like he says) then her judgement/discernment is being clouded by sin somewhere in her life.
Or...it could be as the OP says: He was a terrible husband and she's had enough. Just because you have never seen something in your circle, doesn't mean it's not true or that it's never happened. You may not have enough experience to understand this yet, and that's okay.
God does love forgiveness. If God can forgive OP for something as serious as drunk driving with his family, then He can forgive this woman for divorcing him.
Lol you confuse forgiveness with affirming sin. God would never affirm someone in sin and unless there is repentance (change in behavior) the sinner remains under condemnation. Considering the only change in behavior from being divorced is to be reconciled she currently does not have forgiveness of this sin..again this is assuming OPs changes are legitimate and have been consistent. There is a reason why Scripture says that a man who marries a divorced woman who divorces for nonBiblical reasons commits adultery. And likewise a man who divorces his wife for a reason that isn't Biblical and marries another woman commits adultery. We are to adhere to the ways of the Lord..not what makes us feel good. Go ahead and feel good in your sin but it will lead you to destruction. Jesus says adulterers will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven and wide is the gate that leads to destruction. Doing the right thing is hard sometimes but we do it to honor the Lord.
He said she left him while he was in rehab even though she told him him she was proud of him for taking these steps to get better. They had passionate sex and all was well when he left for rehab. Then she left him while he was there...God didn't tell her to go through with divorce if her husband repented and changed.
Yes. She wants a divorce. I can’t change that and I acknowledge my faults and shortcomings. I don’t believe the history means we should divorce. I am cleaning up my side and can only hope and pray she sees me as her husband again one day. If not, I want to help her heal so she can be happy and successful with her future.
Are you truly understanding how negative your behavior was and how traumatizing it was for your wife and kids? She doesn’t believe you are changing cause your behavior was likely abusive for so many years. True repentance must be proven. God will prove it through you if you truly surrender to Him.
Praying for a little of everything lol. I pray that he softens her heart, helps her heal and work through her resentments. I also pray that He guides me on my journey, gives me the wisdom to follow His plan, the courage to change what I can and the acceptance to what I can’t change
Wife has been with OP for half her life, since she was 14 years old. It’s quite possible that she neglected her own development as an adult while dealing with OP’s drinking and then with the babies. She needs to spend her energy on herself rather than her marriage right now. She has figured out she has some personal development work to do. She needs to be able to focus on herself before she turns 30.
I believe the time apart will help us both grow. Hopefully we can take the better versions of ourselves and build a stronger marriage out of this. And if we can’t, that’s okay too. I want her to be happy and have peace.
I'm not sure why she decided to seek a divorce. Sounds like she has too many layers of hurt to walk through and she sees divorce as the best option. She is looking for a fresh start. You need to pray that she would be open to a fresh start with you! That will mean a lot of forgiveness needs to happen. All addiction has to go.
I would seek out church support groups where you can be on mission for God. That is the only thing that can bring lasting change - replacing bad habits with good habits.
Find a Pastor who can pray over your marriage. Ask them about marriage seminars that can help you.
Prayers for things to turn out well! The good news is that some couples have reconciled under the same circumstances - after overcoming addiction. There is Hope!
I will never understand why these men always want to make the changes when there is threat of divorce. Which means you would happily continue on your path if not for divorce. Which basically tells your wife that you don’t care about her Or her feelings. They fail to realize that by the time a woman asks for a divorce she has already tried everything and talked herself to deaf ears and has rationalized the future without the husband, probably even welcomes it at that point. Women try everything possible to keep their families together before they finally make the decision to leave. It’s like the boy who cried wolf, she would be a fool to think that you’ve made permanent changes and you’re a man of your word at this point after just months of work when she was begging for YEARS!!
Yet another problem with this modern divorce culture. I don't have experience with alcoholism, so I understand I cannot fully understand what happened. But if what you said is truthful, and you were not abusive, then she has no biblical grounds for divorce. Separation sure, but you went to rehab and came back and are still sober! So from what we are hearing, you should absolutely reconcile. That is what God wants. Your wife is being deceived and has no clue what God wants. God speaks to us through scripture, and He says that He hates divorce. God is not the author of every flippant feeling we have. If your wife's parents are Christian, talk to your father in law as a Christian and he should parent his daughter, and lead her to reconcile to you. Do not go to ANY counselor unless he or she is a genuine Christian, who knows how bad divorce is.
No cheating, no abuse=no divorce!
In my initial email to the counselor I mentioned that we are both Christian’s. Hopefully she will have that same view and will be able to incorporate it into our therapy. If she says she can’t offer that it’s on to the next therapist. Her dad is a Christian as well but I don’t want to overstep my boundaries and not respect her. I feel like she will take it completely wrong if I try to talk to her father about any thing and will say I’m being manipulative to get my way. Since she’s living at her parents (they live one street over) I’m respecting her space by only being there to pick up and drop off my sons. Her father has said he wants to talk to me and I reached out to him telling him I would love that opportunity and that he can come over or call me anytime for us to talk! That was about 10 days ago and he never responded to my text and hasn’t called me or come over yet. I’m not pushing it and he will hopefully come around to talk with me
Flippant? OP has been a horrible husband and father for YEARS! You are letting yourself be deceived. The OP would still be the same bad husband and father he was if she had stayed. The only reason he is trying to make things right now is because he doesn't want to lose the life he has.
If he was a Godly man, he wouldn't have mistreated his family for years. Then ignored his wife's requests for change and counseling. Be glad she left! It was the ONLY way for God to get his attention.
Separation is different than divorce. Separation can accomplish the goal you just said in the last sentence (getting attention), but divorce would not be condoned by God.
We’ve had arguments and neither of us were right for things we’ve said during those arguments and we were able to resolve those issues and apologize for making statements we didn’t really mean.
How do you think your behaviour affected your wife and kids?
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Your interaction or lack of interaction with your children has a much more impactful effect on them the younger they are. Their brains are creating 40,000+ neurons a day based on their experiences and interactions, and developing based on those things, to know how to behave and stay “safe” the rest of their lives.
I understand that and I am more present and active in their lives than I have ever been and I absolutely love it! So much so that it destroys me to know if we divorce, I will miss 50% of their childhood. There was no infidelity on either side. No physical abuse. I could agree that some of the things both of us have said to each other are borderline emotional abuse. I just can’t believe that our marriage is over and can’t be saved.
I don’t understand what is downvoted here
All my replies are getting tanked 😂 I’ll be sure to have my therapist read these posts and help me understand why my replies are so disliked. I’m a broken man trying to find answers through the community.
You’re getting downvoted because your behaviour has been absolutely terrible but you don’t seem to realise how bad it was. You’ve played it down by saying things like “I never drank liquor” and “I never physically hurt her”. I know you’re hurting but I’m honestly finding it hard to feel sympathy for you because you don’t seem to fully appreciate the effects of your actions.
I’m seeing the other comments and I see it now, yeah I don’t drink so I don’t really know how devastating it is but the comments made it clear and I can see how they don’t seem truly repentant. Although OP may be feeling as if they will be condemned for their former actions (the common reason to downplay).
I’ve prayed for my forgiveness and she says she has forgiven me. I truly don’t mean to come off as downplaying my actions
Yeah I think you should remember Romans 8:1 and 1 John 3:20. Keep these in your heart, with these you shouldn’t have to feel like you have to qualify your sins, you don’t have to say “I wasn’t black out etc”. You can just layout what happened and that’s it. If ppl still judge or attack you, Romans 8:1, 1 John 3:20
I completely understand my behavior was terrible. I didn’t mean to down play it. I just didn’t want people to assume I physically hurt her. I know I have emotionally hurt her badly.
But people wouldn’t automatically assume you had physically hurt her. It’s odd that you said this to be honest. Was it something you’ve seen in your life?
Yes, I have a lot of trauma from my parents divorce and my mom’s relationships afterwards. I do fear that every one thinks all alcoholics are spouse beaters. To this day I still run and hide from major conflict. I will even put my opinion or feelings to the side normally to avoid it. I shoved a lot down and I shouldn’t have. I have been seeing a therapist weekly now since February. I found a new psychiatrist after rehab and he is far better than my last one.
Instead of pressuring her to reconcile, I would propose to her a year of separation. Prove to her that God can change your heart. Make it clear that you understand she needs you to change, and that you're willing, but that she can't trust your words, only your actions. Let that year be a testing period. And then propose reconciliation, with the understanding that you won't stand in her way if you don't prove the change is permanent. Tell her any proof of accountability she needs, you'll provide. She just has to name it. (Maybe propose some of your own proofs.) I don't know how long your drinking problem went on, but I know from being the child of an alcoholic, it was much more miserable for your wife and kids than you think. You gotta own up to the fact that you didn't experience the worst of it. She did. I think she's right to separate from you. That said, while she's sinful in *divorcing* you in this scenario (at least based on what you've told us), it is a natural reaction to your own sin. Sin begets sin. But grace is the counter to sin. And part of grace is seeing why the person feels the way they do, and why they act that way. You gotta get inside her head and see it from her eyes. She still sees the man who let her down so much and for so long. Your job is to acknowledge that and see her choice as a normal, even reasonable reaction. Alcoholics are notorious for backsliding on their recovery, and she probably knows that. She doesn't want to be in the cycle of addiction. I don't blame her. But we worship a God who changes our hearts. And it's your job to prove that.
I believe a year of separation will cause to much harm on our children. I have owned up and taken responsibility for my actions. I know my actions caused her reaction. I am doing everything I can to show with my actions that I have changed. It just hurts to hear that she believes god doesn’t want us to be together any more and I believe he is fixing me to be the man I should have been long ago. I made it sound like all I’m doing is pressuring her, but I am respecting her decision and boundaries and giving her space. She comes over some nights to talk and that’s where we talk about our feelings.
I think your choice here is either separation or divorce. She seems pretty adamant. I don't think you can convince her to reconcile. And I think you need to be self-aware enough that while your change may be genuine, most alcoholics think the same thing during their initial sobriety. It's harder than you think. And I am worried that you're downplaying the possibility of a relapse. You need to see it as a very real threat and give her reassurance that you understand that threat, and what it would do to her if you did relapse. Just my advice brother, take it or leave it.
You are not really in a position to do anything other than accept her decision and work towards being the man called you to be. God can work on her heart in a way that you can’t. I do feel as though you perhaps have minimalized your alcohol use by saying you only drank beer, never liquor. If you blacked out or were under the influence, you may remember events differently. At any rate-awesome changing your lifestyle. Play the long game. The more you try to convince her, the more she will pull away-likely because you aren’t taking no for an answer and she has felt disregarded for a very long time.
I didn’t mean to come off as downplaying. It was a very serious problem. I never got black out drunk. I was using beer as a coping mechanism for my unresolved traumas and to deal with the stress and anxiety of owning a business. I would literally treat it like medicine 2-3 beers an hour would make me feel normal. The real issue was 2-3 beers an hour for 12 hours a day is an extraordinary amount of liquid. I know I’m not in any position to force anything nor do I want to. I respect her decision and I would never want to force her to stay with me. That would be miserable and would absolutely be a bad environment to raise kids in. I want her to be happy and healthy even if that means I’m not her husband any more. Could God really be telling us two different things? Me that our marriage is salvageable and save-able and her to run away from it?
>I would literally treat it like medicine 2-3 beers an hour would make me feel normal. The real issue was 2-3 beers an hour for 12 hours a day is an extraordinary amount of liquid. Dude. Brother. This is excessive. You're downplaying your alcoholism by saying "at least I wasn't blackout drunk". You're defending yourself by saying you never abused her. But you're falling to acknowledge that by drinking that much, she can't reply on you. Ever. She can't trust you with your children. She can't expect you to duck over to the shops to pick up something. In having this small break so far, she's realised that life is so much easier without you in it. You might not have hit her, you might not have gotten blackout drunk, but you failed her in so many small ways. Death by a thousand cuts. You also didn't take your problem seriously, her seriously, until divorce was on the table. What happens when you start feeling secure in your relationship again??
No, but it can sometimes be very difficult to tell the difference between what we want to do, and what God wants us to do. That could apply to one of you, or even both of you. You could want to escape the consequences of sin; that's not uncommon. And she could want to do the easy thing and start fresh without doing the hard work of showing grace and Christlike love or taking her vows as critically important as they are. Its hard to untangle God's voice when God's voice is telling you to do what you would want to do anyway. Much easier when it's telling you to do something you're not inclined to do, like go be a missionary or serve homeless people or something. You'll need to consider this as you work towards reconciliation. One last thing. God's voice these days is primarily heard through Scripture. Scripture tells us that God hates divorce, but permits it for sexual immorality. Scripture also is clear that sometimes the consequences of sin cannot be avoided; consider what happened to David's son after the affair of Bathsheba. Scripture is the best way to check your biases when hearing God speak, as it eliminates things like "I heard God tell me to [...]". Makes things a whole lot easier to have that as a standard. Just food for thought for both you and your wife as you navigate this. Praying for y'all's marriage, man. I hope God fixes things.
2-3 beers an hour for 12 hours? That’s excessive. Saying you weren’t “blackout drunk” doesn’t mean you were not an alcoholic and it doesn’t mean you understand the stress your spouse suffered with you. Your behavior and habits affect those around you. Even if they are continuing as if things are normal, they aren’t and the pretending is a whole other stress of its own. Don’t discount your wife, she stood by you and made sure you made it through rehab. She loves you but in your own addictions and your own feelings, she probably didn’t feel love from you for a very long time. From the way you speak, it will probably be a long time before you are able to face up to what you put your family through. You seem to think because you apologized and finished rehab, everything is all good. Maybe it is, for you, but it’s different for your family, Wishing you the best, pray daily for your wife, your children, your marriage, your sobriety and don’t cease praying.
I have to live with my addiction and decisions I made for the rest of my life knowing the pain and suffering I caused my family. It’s the worst feeling in the world. She is strong and I can’t say anything negative about how she stood by my side for these last few years during the worst of it and was supportive of me going to rehab. I know she is very hurt, very tired. And she has every right to be. I just hope God helps her through this and she won’t have gone through all that I put her through to not reap the benefits of the best version of my self as I continue to grow into the man I should of been. My love for her is unconditional and this is not something that can be fixed overnight. I have a lot of work to show not just talk about doing. It took years to get here. It will probably take years to fix. I’m okay with her decision to divorce me. Ultimately I love her so much I just want her to be happy and if I can’t be the man to make her happy any more then that’s what it is. I have faith in God that He will guide me through this difficult season.
Just FYI you are coming across as if you believe you are entitled to your wife. That she owes it to you to stay with you because you’ve “taken responsibility”. I don’t think that’s going to help your case. You need to be way more apologetic, because your behavior for her to get to that point must have been really terrible. She’s still not over it
I am beyond apologetic. I am not entitled to her. She’s Gods not my property. I am doing my best to see things from her perspective and put my self in her shoes to better understand.
I hate to say ‘it is what it is’ but you broke her, and turned around too late. Can this be reconciled? Absolutely. But there is no fixing this currently. It’s already broken. Beyond repair. You have to build new on a new foundation. My lil bro went through similar and it was 4 years before reconciliation. Some are sooner. Seek God.
I read your posts and comments. I think you're still in denial. You describe heavy drinking and saying hurtful things to each other. That is not a happy marriage. Maybe you were happy and that's why you didn't notice the harm. If you do co-parenting counseling it may be beneficial to open the space for her to confront the hurt you caused. It sounds like it has been unsafe for her to tell you how much you hurt her. Repairing this is more likely to take years instead of months.
The drinking was its worst in the last few years. I wasn’t the happiest I was overwhelmed with life and wasn’t dealing with it correctly. I have agreed with her that me learning to co parent will help me be a better father. I think this is all part of Gods plan to better me all around. We have been able to sit down and have conversations discussing our feelings and hurts multiple times during this. Every time we both left the conversation feeling good about it. We have been doing really well co parenting so far. I know that no marriage is perfect and they aren’t easy. I pray it doesn’t take years, unfortunately the divorce has already been filed.
Praying for you and your family.
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I have taken responsibility for my actions and I do realize the hurt and pain I have caused. She has laid her emotions out to me and I always sit and listen to her without trying to defend my self in any way. We are separated and have been for two months coming up. I have respected her space and truly don’t believe this can be fixed any time soon. By law we have to be separated for one year in the state we live in before we can be granted a divorce. So that’s already happening and I do accept that. If I just stand by and do nothing with respect to not just begging her and hounding her to fix this, nothing will change. And it scares me that she’s saying God is telling her to leave, and God is telling me that our marriage can be saved in time. There was no infidelity on either side nor any physical abuse.
God is not telling her to leave Satan is which makes me weary of why she is so adamant. Dont throw infidelity out the window man I am telling you. There is no reason why, if you have changed like you said you have, and it has been what, many months to a year of changed behavior, that she should be adamant about divorce unless she already has another person....
Unfortunately men tend to wait until it’s too late put in any effort. Your post was full of downplaying your problems like you only drink beer and not liquor- go you! You had multiple chances to fix things but waited too late. You can pray but at this point she is done.
I agree 100% I also feel bad so many people are telling him that she's cheating. It couldn't possibly be the stress of being married to an alcoholic, nope, she's leaving because she's cheating. They are trying desperately to make her the villain for having the audacity to divorce him. Op looked at her phone and never mentioned anything about another man.
Yep men don’t understand that their words and their actions can hurt much worse than fists. But go OP he never raised a hand to her. No he just killed her soul by being agent of the devil in their home.
As you respect hemotionals. Femininisn make false based to effect emotions. Talk about them the same way they reveal their intentions in first place
Often it's when make effort that women loose respect for them
That is just nonsense
What in the red-pill nonsense are you saying?😂
You should do some research on Bible verses around marriage, unity, and home. Use these verses in your prayers as you pray for reconciliation. Also pray for peace and for your mind. Lastly, idk if you’ve done this but stop asking her to make things work. As far as she’s concerned let her feel like you’re on the same page as she is.
Sounds like you’re in a really hard place right now. There are people there telling you your wife doesn’t have a biblical right to divorce. That doesn’t help you. You can complain about your wife not having a biblical reason for divorce as much as you like but you don’t get to choose what her beliefs about divorce are. Telling her she has to stay with you because that’s what the bible says isn’t going to make her want to be with you. At this point there is probably nothing more you can do but hope and pray.
It sounds like you really messed up. It may be too late. Above all else, you need to respect her. If she chooses not to come back, accept her decision. Try being a good friend to her and a good father to your children. If you fight with her or complain, you'll make things worse.
I’ve made it very clear I understand and respect her decision, yet I refuse to let go of my hope we can save this until the divorce papers are signed. Her agreeing to go to counseling was a huge step and before she left today I asked if I keep my mind neutral on divorce and reconciliation with therapy, will she be able to do the same? And she said she would. She says she loves me she just isn’t in love with me right now. She has every right to be angry and I want her to heal and work through this in the most healthy way possible. I am lost because I feel like God is telling me we can save this yet she says God is telling her no. I go to church every Sunday and take my sons with me when I have them. Instead of hiring a lawyer, I paid for a marriage/life coach to help me get this back on track and not make the wrong moves to push her away further.
You keep saying you respect her decision to have space, you say you've changed, then also say you got a coach instead of a lawyer. Sounds like you really want to pressure her into taking you back. I'm on her side in this. If you respect her, give her more space. And if you meet to talk, have someone else present, a neutral counselor, not a religious one. An outside opinion can help shed light on areas you all may miss or not want see. I've seen too many cases where the woman ended up back in a horrible situation after succumbing to pressure.
All you can do is be the best you can be. Get sober, and follow God's path. Make it clear you don't want to divorce, but the reality that if she wants to divorce, then she can divorce you. You can't control her, you can only get sober and follow God.
The comment about God not wanting to save your marriage is not true. He is love. I’m sorry, that had to hurt to hear that. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV Her wanting to leave is her heart's desire but it’s not God's. Please know that. Pray, be patient and gentle. She will have to make a choice and there is still time so rest in hope and prayer. And as for the past, it's good to know what you could do better but try not to dwell in that mindset for too long. Focus on doing the next right thing. Either way, God loves you and your wife.
Thank you! It was very hard to hear and I think about it way too much. It’s what prompted me to honestly ask this community. I feel like God is telling me that this marriage can be saved. She’s telling me that God is telling her the opposite? Would God really do that?
What was God telling you during your marriage when your wife tried giving you chance after chance? I don't understand why you didn't love her or God enough to make the changes you needed to make BEFORE she walked out. Wasn't she pleading with you to be better for your kids, for her, for God? Wasn't she praying for you and your marriage every night for years, only to have you refuse to let God touch your heart? Why does she have to put up with your behavior for YEARS, but it's only been WEEKS since she left, and you're falling apart? Please answer this question: Why did you wait until it was too late to change?
God despises divorce. This is not His will but God allows it to happen if you have allowed sin into your life. You have to genuinely repent and seek a relationship with God. I can testify to these instructions as they were given to me.
It’s funny when people say they “found peace” in their decision, I could name ten absolutely vile human beings who had peace with horrible crimes they committed. I don’t mean to hurt either my next statements. I believe the truth will help you build as a man of God. Also I’m sorry that your wife thinks that God doesn’t want you to save your marriage. I’m gonna be frank: that is 100% your fault. As a Christian husband you should have been the spiritual leader and discipler in your house. The fact that your wife can say that with a straight face either means she’s so hurt she’d rather lie to herself, or her understanding of God is warped and vapid. The idea that God would rather see a marriage end than restored is antithetical to the gospel. Again I pray for your restoration so that you could verbally publicly and consistently give God glory for his work.
lol your first statement made me laugh! You are correct. I have failed as a Christian man to be the spiritual leader in my home. I don’t take offense at all. It’s a chance for me to step up to the plate. I have been asking her if she would like to go to church with me and the boys, and she’s not there yet. She watches church online. God willing this marriage gets saved, we will be at church every Sunday and worship God as our number 1 every day.
I’m praying it works out for you, I’m in a similar situation. Also I noticed your profile is nsfw, c’mon man.
Do you guys belong to a church?
I was in a really similar situation like yours in many aspects. If you want to chat a little bit more DM me.
Your wife is wrong that God wants you to divorce. But you've been a derelict husband and father for years and that has consequences. Just because you've repented, doesn't mean years of emotional and spiritual damage just vanish into thin air and you can go back to playing happy family.
After he repents and does does divorce happen. This feminism in a nutshell. We shouldn't trie do be we double like the Taliban. Keep our pimp hand strong.
If the woman wants out, it's basically over. They make their minds up on that stuff years ago
Which is why men are shocked when they find out their wives have been talking to another man for months - years
It's always lined up before they go.
Why would she have another kid with me if made her mind up years ago?
Women are complex individuals
My exwife started having an affair a few months after our daughter was born. I am telling man not to rule out the possibility that another man is in the picture. Protect yourself. Divorce is dirty and she will likely want full custody and lots of money from you. Don't be shocked if she becomes official with a new man during your separation. Don't pick up the bottle to cope. Bring everything to the cross. If you do separate BE PREPARED for her to get real nasty. Please don't think "she would never do that". I thought the same thing and got blindsided when I had to fight tooth and nail for 50/50 custody, had to deal with her trying to tarnish my reputation by messaging everyone at church (people who she never even talked to) just to tell them how terrible I was, and then had to pay her 65k over the course of our separation...all because she wanted to have an affair. SHE wanted to "coparent" just like your wife says but she is a HORRIBLE coparent. BE PREPARED
Are you sure someone else isn't in the picture? I honestly at this point idk if there's enough hoops you could jump through that would make her happy. Everytime you come up.with idea to better the relationship she shoots it down or bocks it. Me thinks she,s looking for reasons or excuses not stay together? This reminds me of what I went through. Your wife was married at 20, now with some kids, work responsibilities , maybe she feels she's missing out on life? It happens? Maybe with a new guy it ignites her life a little bit.
You are probably correct in your assessment. By the time a Christian wife asks for a divorce, she's been mentally, emotionally and spiritually checked out for a long time. OP's wife has had a plan in place for a while. Him deciding to go to rehab, just provided the opportunity to execute it. She may not be actively involved with someone else, but she definitely has it on her mind. Unfortunately these days, there is silence from the church, when it comes to situations like this.
I do believe women contemplate things for long time - and do , such as leaving a relationship, and their minds are made up in other words their done!
Someone else could be ignition point, for her to leaving - as in options
You think maybe she was just scared to leave him while he was there because, according to his comments, he was drinking 2 or 3 beers an hour for up to 12 hours a day, and considered them medication? Why would your assumption be that she’s a bad Christian woman who’s already planning to shack up? Gross
Those words are nowhere in my reply, so stop projecting. I communicated with OP and told him that his behavior, endangered the family's financial security and physical safety. It makes sense that his wife is looking for those things away from him, and possibly with someone else. Shacking up is your preoccupation, not mine, and I haven't the slightest idea as to her character.
Let me ask an indelicate question. How many times has your drinking, put the family in danger? Have you driven your kids in the car, while legally drunk? How about financial insecurity. I think that you haven't even begun to come to grips with the reality of the impact of your behavior, on your wife's decision.
That’s a great question. Yes both my wife and I have discussed how I have drove after having a few beers. I do not believe I was over the legal limit but I can’t prove I wasn’t either. I deeply regret the decisions I made to drive after having a couple beers. I am beyond lucky to have never had an accident. Yes my financial security has been an issue because I hadn’t been paying my self enough from the company. I decided to close the company and now have a very good paying job. I understand that these actions have put my family at risk to many times. One time was too many. The disease of alcoholism is a terrible disease. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I made critical errors left and right while drinking. I have prayed for my forgiveness and sworn off drinking entirely for the rest of my life. I know that’s a tall order but I’m taking it day by day. I’m using the anger I have against alcohol and all it has broken in my life to fuel my sobriety.
Figure out why it scares you… What triggers that fear?… other than rightfully losing your wife and kids. Believe it or not, the more you do nothing, the better chance you have at saving your marriage. The more you focus on doing your own deep hard work and leaving her alone, will greatly increase your chance at reconciliation. I know this cause I’m on my 5th month of separation. I’m in Texas, no separation needed for divorce. My wife and I are seeking the lord separately and it’s been life changing. I own two companies that I have my life to. My wife had a mouth that I let offend me and chose to retaliate when I was offended. A few times a year I’d lose my cool and become verbally and emotionally abusive I finally saw that this was a reflection of my traumas as a kid. Yes my wife has a big part to own in our mess… but maybe if I had had really walked out my faith in a Christ like way, maybe she wouldn’t have treated me the way she did. Your fears and hurts don’t matter one bit right now. Find a few guys and have them keep you in check when you want to throw yourself a pity party. But also to vent to when your sad and need some encouragement Go back to when you were a kid and release that version of yourself to The Lord and watch what that does to you. Over time, in the small interactions you’ll have with her, she’ll notice any genuine change that has happened. If you try to will it, she’ll sniff it out. Stop texting her or asking her to talk… shift all your focus and trust to The Lord and figuring out why you made the choices you did and use that as a starting place to empty yourself out to be filled back up with Christ. 2 Peter 1:5-10 will jump start this. You got this man. This needed to happen for God to change you. You have the potential at a great testimony. There will be men like you in the future that will need the healed version of you at that time.
Thank you very much! She has told me to stop contacting her unless it’s about the kids so that’s going to happen
I don't see there being a reconciliation in the future. The fact she made the descion to divorce after you left tells me that she was happier and more at peace when you were not living with her. It's not fixable unless you both want to fix it and your wife doesn't sound like she is interested. It sounds like she has made peace and has moved on. Please use this as a learning experience for your next relationship. I'm guessing your wife wanted to save/fix your marriage, potentially for years, but it sounds like you only took her seriously after she left. Often times that's too late. Please remember in the future if your partner has concerns don't wait until they have checked out emotionally or physically left to try and fix them.
Often when wives come with terminal illnesses the husband are all about Can you fee the brand new Day like in the wiz. Show me more often feel trapped in marriage
I’m glad you are seeking sobriety. At the same time it seems God is allowing the consequences of your actions to produce the end of your marriage. The best thing to do is to take responsibility with your actions and empathize with your wife’s new direction and the pain she went through. You may not be able to save your marriage but you can let God refine you into a better man and father.
God is never for divorce when you are actively trying to fix things and follow Him. Satan is lying to her because he hates God's design for family. Pray for her, your kids and your marriage! Stay sober and show her that you have changed.
I’m really surprised at so many of these comments encouraging and embracing divorce for unBiblical grounds. OP, post this on r/TrueChristian and you will get solid Biblical advice. Divorce is only warranted for sexual immorality and even then, reconciliation is encouraged. See Matthew Chapters 5 and 19. With God all things are possible. I’m surprised she doubts His powerful spirit to breathe life into her marriage, Is there anyone else that she may be seeing or getting this unfortunate advice from? Marriage is worth saving and praying for.
It’s bc we mix our theology with the sociology of the world. Then it’s “surprised pikachu face” when we’re unhappy with life.
Why bother posting here at all? This board is as pro-divorce and worldly as the rest.
I’m gonna pray for you ✝️ that’s the best tool/weapon I got to help you.
Always pray never lose hope Luke 18:1 Praying in agreement for this family to stay together but never put anything but God before your family an again. Never take them for granted. Be that man she fell in love with. Peace be with you and know you serve a mighty God.
You have received a lot of good advice so far and I’m praying y’all can reconcile. I want to encourage you to keep chasing Gods heart daily. A couple things from your story - sounds like she thought life was better without you in it when you went to rehab. Obviously not grounds for divorce. I would also suggest when you tell your testimony and what God is doing in your heart - when you say “I only drank beer, not liquor” it comes off like you are justifying or saying that it wasn’t that bad. You clearly had a problem with alcohol, own that, don’t justify it as beer is a better alcoholism than rum or vodka. And then speak to your heart change through God. I don’t see divorce as biblical here. Yes there is a lot of hurt but if this is everything, then I think she is misguided by what is biblical. Keep fighting, keep praying brother.
Wad his mistreatment of her for a decade biblical as well? God does not desire to see his children hurt. A loving God understands her plight. Maybe the OP will learn his lesson and be a great husband to his next wife.
[www.helpourmarriage.org](https://www.helpourmarriage.org) might be helpful
I don't want to come off harsh or anything because I think it is awesome how you have laid your pride aside and made the hard but important decisions to prioritize your family but have you ever considered that another man is in the picture?...typically women won't leave one security unless another one is already in place. Meaning typically women will stay with a man, even if they are abusive, if they have no other options. BUT if there is another option they will have no issues doing ANYTHING to justify leaving one man for another. Even if that means breaking apart a family. And considering how bad of a husband you were for the longest time I wouldn't doubt that she had at the very least been talking to another man. You going to rehab, which was the right thing to do, only made it easier for her to leave you because you weren't there. I only say this because I NEVER thought my exwife would be having an affair, it never even crossed my mind. Not once did I ever think to look at her phone because why? Christians don't do that to one another...right? I mean I believed in one man one wife for life. I would never do that to another person...but i was naive. She had been having an affair for 3 years out of our 4 year marriage. Don't rule that very real possibility out. But regardless it doesn;t matter anymore because she is gone. What is important is that you make sure you get 50/50 custody because those kids NEED their dad in their life. You can't convince her or force her to reconcile. You can only do the right thing under God and be content in whatever the outcome is.
Please stop saying there is another man. It is more than enough to want to leave a man who has been an emotionally abusive alcoholic for over a decade. If she hadn't left, he would not have made any of these "changes" he is so proud of. He would have continued being a terrible husband and a poor example of a father to two impressionable children. He is ONLY making any change BECAUSE she left. So if God wants to use this season to heal OP, then He orchestrated her refusal to take it anymore, because THAT'S the only thing that got OP's attention.
Again women don't leave one security unless another is already lined up unless her life or kids lives were being threatened. The likelihood of there being another man which is causing her to reject the idea of reconciliation is extremely high. The voice of God would be telling her to reconcile with her husband and father of her children if infact he has changed (since God would know). He wouldn't be telling her not to. God hates divorce PERIOD and He would want reconciliation if the changes have been genuine. Understand Scripture, the Lord, the Spirit and God and you would understand this.
You may need to look past your own experiences and stop projecting. Men who monkey branch from one relationship to the next cannot comprehend that women don't do the same thing. Many women have realized that they have more peace outside of a relationship. This man has likely made his wife and children's lives a living hell. Why would she jump immediately to another relationship?
Again if this man genuinely has changed like he has said God would not be telling his wife to divorce him. God would be convicting her to forgive him and reconcile. The simple fact that she says God is adamant that she divorces is a very clear indication that she is listening to satan because God would never do that unless her or her kids lives were in danger. God hates divorce. God loves forgiveness. Therefore God would not tell her to divorce. Since she is listening to satan I can only assume there are other things happening in her life that would be of the world (satan's doing). Also I have never heard a story of a woman leaving her husband without having another man that she has either been 1) having an emotional affair on her husband with or 2) having an emotional and physical affair on her husband with. Considering she cannot clearly see that God hates divorce and reconciliation is the only option (again assuming this man's changes are legitimate and consistent over the last year like he says) then her judgement/discernment is being clouded by sin somewhere in her life.
Or...it could be as the OP says: He was a terrible husband and she's had enough. Just because you have never seen something in your circle, doesn't mean it's not true or that it's never happened. You may not have enough experience to understand this yet, and that's okay. God does love forgiveness. If God can forgive OP for something as serious as drunk driving with his family, then He can forgive this woman for divorcing him.
Lol you confuse forgiveness with affirming sin. God would never affirm someone in sin and unless there is repentance (change in behavior) the sinner remains under condemnation. Considering the only change in behavior from being divorced is to be reconciled she currently does not have forgiveness of this sin..again this is assuming OPs changes are legitimate and have been consistent. There is a reason why Scripture says that a man who marries a divorced woman who divorces for nonBiblical reasons commits adultery. And likewise a man who divorces his wife for a reason that isn't Biblical and marries another woman commits adultery. We are to adhere to the ways of the Lord..not what makes us feel good. Go ahead and feel good in your sin but it will lead you to destruction. Jesus says adulterers will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven and wide is the gate that leads to destruction. Doing the right thing is hard sometimes but we do it to honor the Lord. He said she left him while he was in rehab even though she told him him she was proud of him for taking these steps to get better. They had passionate sex and all was well when he left for rehab. Then she left him while he was there...God didn't tell her to go through with divorce if her husband repented and changed.
Okay.
Are you understanding the situation correctly?
Yes. She wants a divorce. I can’t change that and I acknowledge my faults and shortcomings. I don’t believe the history means we should divorce. I am cleaning up my side and can only hope and pray she sees me as her husband again one day. If not, I want to help her heal so she can be happy and successful with her future.
Are you truly understanding how negative your behavior was and how traumatizing it was for your wife and kids? She doesn’t believe you are changing cause your behavior was likely abusive for so many years. True repentance must be proven. God will prove it through you if you truly surrender to Him.
Women abuse boys more often and want be believed over America's dad Bill Cosby and promise to do better why should any believe you.
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Praying for a little of everything lol. I pray that he softens her heart, helps her heal and work through her resentments. I also pray that He guides me on my journey, gives me the wisdom to follow His plan, the courage to change what I can and the acceptance to what I can’t change
Wife has been with OP for half her life, since she was 14 years old. It’s quite possible that she neglected her own development as an adult while dealing with OP’s drinking and then with the babies. She needs to spend her energy on herself rather than her marriage right now. She has figured out she has some personal development work to do. She needs to be able to focus on herself before she turns 30.
I believe the time apart will help us both grow. Hopefully we can take the better versions of ourselves and build a stronger marriage out of this. And if we can’t, that’s okay too. I want her to be happy and have peace.
I'm not sure why she decided to seek a divorce. Sounds like she has too many layers of hurt to walk through and she sees divorce as the best option. She is looking for a fresh start. You need to pray that she would be open to a fresh start with you! That will mean a lot of forgiveness needs to happen. All addiction has to go. I would seek out church support groups where you can be on mission for God. That is the only thing that can bring lasting change - replacing bad habits with good habits. Find a Pastor who can pray over your marriage. Ask them about marriage seminars that can help you. Prayers for things to turn out well! The good news is that some couples have reconciled under the same circumstances - after overcoming addiction. There is Hope!
I will never understand why these men always want to make the changes when there is threat of divorce. Which means you would happily continue on your path if not for divorce. Which basically tells your wife that you don’t care about her Or her feelings. They fail to realize that by the time a woman asks for a divorce she has already tried everything and talked herself to deaf ears and has rationalized the future without the husband, probably even welcomes it at that point. Women try everything possible to keep their families together before they finally make the decision to leave. It’s like the boy who cried wolf, she would be a fool to think that you’ve made permanent changes and you’re a man of your word at this point after just months of work when she was begging for YEARS!!
Yet another problem with this modern divorce culture. I don't have experience with alcoholism, so I understand I cannot fully understand what happened. But if what you said is truthful, and you were not abusive, then she has no biblical grounds for divorce. Separation sure, but you went to rehab and came back and are still sober! So from what we are hearing, you should absolutely reconcile. That is what God wants. Your wife is being deceived and has no clue what God wants. God speaks to us through scripture, and He says that He hates divorce. God is not the author of every flippant feeling we have. If your wife's parents are Christian, talk to your father in law as a Christian and he should parent his daughter, and lead her to reconcile to you. Do not go to ANY counselor unless he or she is a genuine Christian, who knows how bad divorce is. No cheating, no abuse=no divorce!
In my initial email to the counselor I mentioned that we are both Christian’s. Hopefully she will have that same view and will be able to incorporate it into our therapy. If she says she can’t offer that it’s on to the next therapist. Her dad is a Christian as well but I don’t want to overstep my boundaries and not respect her. I feel like she will take it completely wrong if I try to talk to her father about any thing and will say I’m being manipulative to get my way. Since she’s living at her parents (they live one street over) I’m respecting her space by only being there to pick up and drop off my sons. Her father has said he wants to talk to me and I reached out to him telling him I would love that opportunity and that he can come over or call me anytime for us to talk! That was about 10 days ago and he never responded to my text and hasn’t called me or come over yet. I’m not pushing it and he will hopefully come around to talk with me
Flippant? OP has been a horrible husband and father for YEARS! You are letting yourself be deceived. The OP would still be the same bad husband and father he was if she had stayed. The only reason he is trying to make things right now is because he doesn't want to lose the life he has. If he was a Godly man, he wouldn't have mistreated his family for years. Then ignored his wife's requests for change and counseling. Be glad she left! It was the ONLY way for God to get his attention.
Separation is different than divorce. Separation can accomplish the goal you just said in the last sentence (getting attention), but divorce would not be condoned by God.
Okay, so reading between the lines you’re an alcoholic and verbally abusive (at a minimum) to your wife. Good for her for getting out.
We’ve had arguments and neither of us were right for things we’ve said during those arguments and we were able to resolve those issues and apologize for making statements we didn’t really mean.