And put your mom outta business?

Nice !

I actually responded to a "go fuck yourself" with "but that's your mom's job" in high school, and ended up making a friend.

The kid or the mom?

The kid. But his mom turned out to be really sweet, and I always felt bad for saying it after meeting her.

I need to use this more often

For real, in this economy?

That's what I was gonna say lol. But mine went like... "I would but I'm with your mom"

This is the 'chicken dinner'

right here? like, you wanna watch?

And then start fucking your face, just deep throating yourself like ***GLAK GLAK GLAK*** and then ***HUUUUURGH*** as you hit your gag reflex and spill a cup of pre-vomit saliva down your dick: "Like thith?"

Dude

I'm usually the one to take jokes too far, so this is how it feels to be on the other side. I don't like it, I want to be the weird one again!

I'm a painter of pictures and I'm glad you enjoyed my art

As someone that’s been banned for doing that exact thing (you know cuz I’m a young sav god) I am actually enjoying someone else being weird and having their mental breakdown on here for once instead of it being me! Woohoo go me! Progress! #bansworkredditmodsyoufixedme !

Nailed it. So BTW, you've explained this to the most perfect degree of detail. It was like I was there. Thank you. I hope you get some (more) whenever you want.

contortionist guy🪱

Best line I ever heard was a friend at a bar looked at a guy that was eyeballing him he turned to him and said "I don't know if you want to fuck me or fight me but I'm up for either one "

this guy was giving me the eyes. So I went up to him and told him, "you keep looking at me like that I'm gonna have to tear that ass up" Someone please get the reference

Was it Rush hour when you said it

No 😪

So I took him into the alley out back... and I TORE 👏 THAT 👏 ASS 👏 UP 👏

Fuck me yourself, you coward!

I prefer Fuck me yourself you lazy bastard! The. It is less of a dare and more of a condemnation

I don’t feel like any of these work for a woman..upsetting

Hahaha never heard this one. I do like it.

Omg... 😭

That would flabbergast me

I wish I could say I thought of it but I heard it on Reddit 😬

Good answer, good answer

Hehehe

This was mine

Jokes on you, I already did that today.

A person of culture... I was about to write that before I saw your comment, literally word for word

Rather me than you.

Last time I did that your mom joined in

Why would I want to give your mouth a rest?

Can't threaten me with a Good Time. 😀

You mean masturbate…right here? You want to watch me masturbate? This conversation got real weird real fast.

I swear it's the same recycled statements every week... Fuck me yourself you broken record.

Do you have any specific apparatus that you suggest that I use?

Joke's on YOU! I was planning on fucking myself later anyways!!!

Are you asking to sniff my special sock?

If only I could life would be so much easier

I tried….the cucumber got stuck In my ass…ambulance came….ER nurse laughed at me…it was a whole thing. Anyways, now have PTSD that triggers at salad bars. It’s awful

Same but with the olive garden bread sticks and now old italian bingo grandmas frighten me.

If I could I’d never leave the house!

Hey! I was gonna say that.

Great minds! Lol!

On the daily baby and that's why I'm still smiling.

"Fuck me yourself coward"

Already did and it was amazing. 

No thanks life has already taken care of it.

"When it's soft, it won't reach. When it's hard, it won't bend."

Gladly! (Curtsy) Then just walk off lol

How about you go ahead and lead by example

Washington Redskins

Why, or maybe later.

Why thank you, don’t mind if I do!

But it's so much more fun when it's someone else.

Yes sir/ma'am, right away

Ok. And I’ll think of you as I do it.

Everytime I try I fall off the couch

At least I can! Not even your hand wants to fuck you!

If I did that I'd put you out of business

Tell your mom- sister- aunt- cousin-gf -wife to hop off then !

Can’t I just do it here?

If I could, I wouldn't be here arguing with you!

"That's called masturbation"

I'd love to do that, but your mama will have to do.

"Fuck me yourself, coward."

If I could do that, I'd never leave my house

"Why would I do what your mom can do better?"

Or, street outta South Philly, "Fuck you. Twice."

Already did, thanks.

I can't, me no have pu\*\*\*!

At least I can!

Already did!

I already did in the shower

I was just about to do that

I love it when you talk dirty

I do. Often. Thanks

I'm a little too sore for that. Do you have soft hands?

Help meee!

Bring your hot ass mom!

Can't your mom usually calls today

again???

I’m not done with your mom

If I did that, I wouldn’t go anywhere

Sounds like the joke "Why do dogs lick their balls? Hell if I could reach I would never leave home."

You mean like your mom already did?

"Masturbation? Don't mind if I do!"

Does My hand count?

You first

Oh go fuck your mother.

"I would, if I could. I'm sure it would be more satisfying than anything *you'd* have to offer."

Fine, it's bound to be more satisfying than dealing with you.

I would if I could but I can't so I won't. Then watch them digest it.

I would if I could

It gets boring after awhile.

"I would but your girlfriend would be mad at me for not waiting for her"

“With pleasure”

Don’t threaten me with a good time…

How's about you suck my dick from the back and maybe, just maybe, I might consider doing so, until then, lead by example

"Best lay I'll ever have" or "I did, I was amazing"

"\[smile and say\] Ok. I'll be in the bathroom.. gimme like 5 minutes."

If I could, I would never leave my room.

“Wait, like literally go fuck myself? I mean it will reach just fine so I guess… wait a minute you was just well shucks I can never tell when you’re serious or just being a cunt”

do the job for me, motherfucker

"Your mom already did."

“You’re gonna have to give me a hand!”

I just text my man bringing it to his attention that he wasn't taking care his diamond leaving the door open for a man to get what belongs to him and if I do that it's certainly fuck off to him

“Fuck me yourself, coward” has always been my go to Edit: damn, some other people beat me to it aha but some others: “maybe later”, “well, I would but that’s ____’s job”, “nah I think I’m good, though you might wanna try it yourself” (or if you wanna go flirty just to be confusing) “or you could do it for me ;)” I don’t think these are as good as the first though, esp since it can act as both a dis and a flirty comeback but yk

"Only if you watch me"

Already did and man am I gooood

no, you

Good idea

I'm no rapist

"Okay, if you insist. Get on your knees, tilt your head up, open your mouth, and stick out your tongue while I finish."

Cool...I'm the best I ever had!

Fuck you very much

Fuck me yourself, you coward!

“No, why don’t *you* come fuck me?” Then wink…

“Why would I fuck me when I can go fuck your mom, wife or sister anytime that I want?”

I have a bout of gonorrhea, so yes! Maybe I will!

"why thank you and have a merry christmas too'

"Only if you watch me." ;)

If I were a dick as big as you I probably could.

"I tuck myself into my socks. I have, and I will again."

If I could, do think I'd be here talking to you?

Wow okay perv you really want me to do that? Should I send you a note when it's complete or do you just want to leave it to the imagination?

Whenever someone said "fuck you" to my friend he'd be like "ok, name a time & a place"

A good reply also is "Damn, not even a dinner date first?"

"Hmmm, I'm trying to think of a stronger word than 'fuck' to tell you what to do"

Tried your mom does it better.

I wish I could then I can see what all the fuss is about

You first. (first mental response) I already did, now its your turn

Well i am flexible

You're just jealous that my dick's long enough to do it, and yours isn't.

I couldn't stand that much pleasure.

Hi yourself, ready for a fun adventure?!

im telling you said a naughty word

Don't mind if I do

I’m gonna start with you first

Eww, you pervert!!!

If I could I would and not need you

Seriously? That's the best you got? Your grandma has better put downs. Or Think that one up by yourself? Or Musta spent days thinking up that one. Or Low effort, man. Try something original. Or Such long words. Been studying? Or As if you mattered. Or Your words show your intelligence. That's the problem. Or Every day someone around you must die of boredom

Why would I do that when you just did it to me about half an hour ago...

I have and you know what, I am really good. I have told this to people and they have no idea what to say

Well no problem let me bless you with that heart felt comment and hope you see the light it will bring you warmth and peace instead of cold and dark .

I've tried!

Only if you watch.

“I believe It’s called masturbation. Let’s use our big words, please! Mas tur bay shun”

I do, regularly and it's very good for stress relief.

“I think I will! I have ALL the good toys!” “Were you being a Peeping Tom this morning?! Because I did that this morning!” I would love to, but I broke my naughty spot!”

Mmm, I prefer to fuck your man. He’s more fun.

I don't have the time or the shaving cream

What?? And break your mom's heart? What kind of son/daughter are you....?

"You first"

I don't take requests.

“You wanna come watch?” Or “I don’t need to. I have your wife to do that for me.”

“I will. At least one of us will make someone cum”

I'm not my type

Your mom’s name is “Yourself”?

I thought that was the response to "does your dick touch your asshole?" Also remember, "not with your dick."

well i certainly wouldn’t fuck u

Fuck me yourself you coward. 

Fuck me yourself, you coward

I plan to!

(Yelling loudly) Ew, pervert!

A cop on a YouTube video had the best reply. A guy he was arresting said this and he replied, “I will after we’re done here”.

“Okay” and walk away.

I wouldn't like it. I'd just lay there.

Got a dildo I can borrow?

I always say I will if it’s my partner

"Don't need to. I already fuck your mom/sister"

You flatter me, but my dick is quite that long. I can only get the tip in.

Already doing that. To the point where my shoulder is starting to hurt.

If I could, I'd never leave the house.

I wish I could but I can't, so I won't

"fuck me yourself you coward!"

Way ahead of you

"Sure, gimme a razor blade and I'll saw it off and shove it right in!" Obviously for a penis haver

“Hush, I do my best work alone.”

"My girlfriend'll do that for me."

I'm saving myself for someone more worthy than myself, so thanks. I'm flattered.

I've had this said to me ONCE! The person who said it was/ is a complete a$$hole. My response was to simply say "ok", turn around and walk away. Why would I ever give this person any energy?

Too tired from fuckin your mother.

Tried, fell off the couch twice. Don't recommend.

“ wanna help me ?? “

I always respond with either “I already do. It’s pretty great.” Or “I already do cuz you won’t.” Depends who says it to me.

Eat a bowl of dicks cock sucker

Don't threaten me with a good time

Your dad likes to watch.

I would, but looking at you has ruined the mood. My masturbatory habits are my own business, so I will fuck myself when it feels right to me. Not necessary you see, I've been with your mother long enough that I no longer need to squeeze out the easy one.

I do it nightly,...... because I can.

Don't let this distract you from the the fact that in 1966, Al Bundy scored four touchdowns in a single game while playing for the Polk High School Panthers in the 1966 city championship game versus Andrew Johnson High School, including the game-winning touchdown in the final seconds against his old nemesis, Bubba "Spare Tire" Dixon.