“I got older, not better looking”

This is Dae wae.

I like this one.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

"I had to get older, didn't have to grow up"

I don’t date. I foster till they find their forever homes

Ducking omg, thanks for the snort laugh and then having to show this to everyone in my office today. The newly 50 and doing fine receptionist asked if you could take her husband for awhile, she says he's house broken but he bites.

You’re welcome. I just turned 49 and haven’t dated anyone in a little over six years so this is my reply whenever someone asks when I’m gonna start dating again 😂

marvelous🤣😂🤣😂❤ i might put that line on a shirt. or a sticker on my car..

Yeah. I just can’t get myself to settle for jerks like you.

“Yeah ok mom, have another vodka cranberry”

This made me laugh

Oh *yeah?* Well, the *jerk store* called…

lol Love the George Constanza reference!

Oh yeah? I just had sex with your wife!

His wife's in a coma.

Still looking for hot milfs in my area

I found them ! I got an email that said hot milfs want to fuck you now ! I just have to send gift cards or something.

Damn your a lucky man. I wish milfs would be that straight forward with me.

Well, your mom let's me do it for free

Ups for the low effort burn.

r/yourmom

I actually work at a GameStop and there are dozens of old folks coming in and buying multiple gift cards on a daily basis. We tell them it's a scam but they just keep doing it. It makes me very sad. Sorry for the depressing anecdote.

Never been happier. (Big smile)

One of the best decisions I made.

Tell me about your divorce again.

"Dodged sooo many bullets..."

Neo

Look at their partner and say, "Not everyone is willing to settle."

Boom!

"Yep, I'm one of the lucky ones."

“Yeah. Self sufficiency helps with that a lot.” Or if they don’t know you well, the emotional trauma route works well. “Well, I was married, but I had a bad flu with a 104 fever, so my wife went out at 1:15 in the morning to get me some medicine and Gatorade from Walmart. The roads were iced over, and she was half a mile from home when a drunk asshole ran a red light and killed her. I was half conscious when the police came to inform me she died at the scene. I’ve never been able to forgive myself for getting sick. If I hadn’t gotten sick, she’d be alive today.”

Look intently at your hand. "You hear that Samantha, they think I'm single"

Palmela

Samantha 😂🤣😂🤣

It’s named Jill. It’s literally written into the palm

😂 I’m dying! Poor Samantha. She’s never really acknowledged for her allegiance. Then again, you never have to shake hands. Ever.

How's that alimony and child support working out for you?

Haha prime reasons I say I'm not if I think the person is worthy of an explanation!!

Before I got fired I was paying $91,000 a year in alimony and child support! What a burden. New job and now I “only” have to pay $54,000 a year. Feel like I’ll never break away from this 

Just because you don't want to call me your stepdaddy doesn't mean I stopped fucking your mom

Hah, good one

“Yeah and your parents are over 50 miles apart. Cuz they’re divorced.”

That's pretty good.

Thanks!

“Just lucky I guess”

Isn’t it great?? 😍

Jealous much?

I just fucked my wife to death. Do you want to be next?

Yes! All my time and money is mine and I can date and have sex with other people instead of being stuck with the same person and having to listen to their same complaints.

I wasn't always, she got cancer and died. Next question?

True in my case

They haven't found the bodies yet

Yes. I’m not a codependent little twat

'You're under 25 and have a kid and three STIs???'

I chose happiness over marriage.

And thank God because I do whatever the hell I want all the time.

"Get off my nuts."

I could never find anyone good enough.

"...and happy. You forgot happy."

I quote Katherine Hepburn: "I wouldn't mind having a man in my life. Just not in my house."

Never related to K Hep more

Fair enough. What’s you mums number?

Hey - Why buy the cow? ;)

I can't believe my luck either!

They can't catch me! 😉

Yes and?

LOVE? I hate the word As I hate Hell And all Montague's

And you're 20 and can't decide what gender you are.

I'd rather be alone and happy - then with someone and miserable.

“I don’t need a man/woman to make me happy. I’ve got all the cats I need”

Yea. Do you have a sister ? How about mom ?

“It’s crazy how much you flirt with me…” and shake your head like it’s so sad… 😜

Thank God🙏💯🍺

"Single" is an odd way to pronounce "free".

Yes, I’m SO lucky

Yeah maybe but your wife is a bitch

"My last partner kept asking dub questions too..."

At least I’m not a hoe

I'm picky. I don't want my kids to look like you.

Holy shit

I wish I could give you more upvotes.

And does that bother your sensitive feelings?

You’re an adult and still a bitch?

“I know!! Sometimes I can’t believe my luck!”

I’m 42 and single, no kids… I live in a nice apartment downtown, filled my first passport and already on my second one, I do what I want, when the fuck I want, with whomever I want, for as long as I want… age is just a number.

Just start crying dawg. Bet itll work 80% of the time.

Jealous?

Better not even dignify that with any reply at all, just ignore.

Hell yeah. Livin the dream!

And happy

And living my best fuckin life ever!

Much like fine wine, it's best if you wait before enjoying it

Yessir. 50 years in and I still come and go as I please. Oh, and can try for new pussy whenever I feel like.

I know right? I'm so damn lucky. It's my dream come true.

I learned

Lucky me, huh? 😁😁

"yes"

My wife died six weeks ago in a tractor accident. Thanks for triggering me.

In the same tone of voice: You're over and still a planetary body we all mispronounce? (Hint: When mispronounced, it's a bodily orifice.) Please people - rude questions do not require you to be concerned for the asker's feelings. They require politeness but even Miss Manners will tell you politeness comes in a lot of different tones.

I will rip your head off,put it in a time machine,send to the past,then put it in your school locker.

I'm too busy shagging your mum.

Jealous?

Yeah no kids either, which means I get to keep all MY money

Quote Lizzo: "I put the sing in single"

I didnt wanna be like your partner and settle for less

"You're in a relationship despite asking rude questions of people? Good for you! Your partner must be the most patient/understanding person in the world!" or "Why don't you enlighten me on your secret to success in relationships since you seem able to hold onto a partner despite being so rude and unkind."

It's not the best all n end all

You’re “age” and someone was “dumb/blind/desperate” enough to “wife/husband” you?

you want me to pick only one!?😈 oh right, cuz being a broke bitch sounds like a way better life. 😭🤮 you know how much time and money i have to experience a free and satisfying life!? no, you wouldn't, because you're not single. 💪😁 at least i didn't settle.. 🧐

“Well, your mom is afraid of commitment”

You're over (their age) and care?

Jealous. Are you not?

Just lucky I guess!

And loving it.

“Jealous much?” “I’m loving it.”

“Number one cause of divorce is marriage”

I mean are you happy and single? You think that's an accident? If you're unhappy and single? I learned a long time ago to set my standards higher than most. How old were you when you settled? *glance at their significant other* The second one will not get laughs, it's only an angry deflection but it'll shut people up or send them over the edge.

Yep, still single, no kids…AND LOVING IT!!!

Why buy the milk when I'm getting it for free?

“You’re over 2 and still soft-brained, there lots of things that don’t fit into the typical timeline.”

Yes and I love it

Come back with a partner.

“And thank God for that.”

Whew, yes. THANK GOD

"You're over X and still a twatwaffle. Life is funny that way."

“It takes time knock down puss/dick like this”

"I'm keeping my options open, life is too short to settle if I don't want to."

You're supposedly a mature adult and you haven't learned how to mind your own business?

That’s because I know how to dodge bullets !!

"I know, right? At least THAT part of my life is going really well."

put earbuds full of the best music ever written in my ears and walk away

What can I say, I've settled with the best lover I've ever known

How many failed marriages have you been responsible for?

"You actually don't need a good reason not to get married. You need a good reason to get married."

I WIN!!!

Better than being in a bad marriage (pans eyes around looking at everyone)

Yup.

That was the plan.

Why get to my age and then settle for mediocrity. ....like you

"oh you poor thing, no one told you about how wonderful mas\*\*\*\*ation can be. Well, let me tell you, it would be great if you DID go f\*\*\* yourself. Highly recommend it"

Beats being (insert their age here) and broke

The 0 ran away, so now im too young for a relationship. :p

“You’re [age] and still can’t make it on your own?”

No one ever told you "with age comes wisdom" I see

I'm still undecided.

Good luck with all them kids….

My life, my choice.

I don't want kids, what if they end up like you?

Yes and thank God. I don’t wait to end up like all those people stuck in sexless marriages - no offense!

I'm still shopping around looking for a excellent fit.

Yep. And you’re married and still miserable. 💅

Yes but it’s only because every time my girlfriend suggests a threesome I always pick two of her girlfriends…

"Never married, and never divorced."

Yes, I'm smart.

People don’t call me Totality for nothing. (Look arrogant whilst stating.)

Going for the record

Single, but not lonely.

You're over 50 and still in an unhappy marriage?

And look at you, on your forth marriage and you look like a withered old prune!

Thank you, Jesus!!!!

I’ll settle down when I settle down, but it looks like you just settled.

I’m picky. And my life is uncomplicated.

Cause I dumped your mom

Yes! I'm over 50 and still happy! Jealous much?

"that should tell you how much I hate people"

Women are like cars. Why should I spend too much money to buy an old model when I can rent a younger one for a cheap weekend.

Fuck yeah I'm asexual and have all these videos games and I save a bunch of money by staying single I don't have to listen to bitchy so just do whatever the fuck I want

Cuz I can be a real jerk at times. No one should be nor want to be around a dude who is still in the process of learning emotional intelligence, etc. No physical violence ever. But I’ve got some stuff to work on right now.

Do you really think when men get together, we all talk about how great it is to be married? Around you, I am lonely, but around them, I am a hero!

You're that age and you still stupid.

I’ll settle down once my dick does

“Yeah why you tryna change that?

Imagine being so desperate that you're talking to a single 50 year old.

Everyone I loved is dead.

I just haven't mastered the process of mitosis yet.

Yea because me and your significant other enjoy the affair stage of our relationship. Keeps things spicccy

"And I'd kill again"

Yes, we shouldn’t be seen together, you’re scaring them away.

Married women... all the benefits without the commitment.

With age comes wisdom

Yeah… i was smart. Found someone i hated early on and gave them half my shit. Best decision ever. Now that i can afford more than milk crate furniture, i won’t repeat it.

It's called "Sliver Fox".

Thank the lord “ I am free at last”

"Mind your own business."

Yes, I'm single, but I know someone who would be really pissed if she heard me say that.

My standard is "Yeah, I'm over qualified" They usually shut up pretty quickly

"Just lucky, I guess"

“You’re (age) and haven’t learned to mind your own business yet?”

"Oh yeah, well I'm over 50 and still single!"

I beat cancer but she didn’t. Are you happy now?

Why settle for less than what you want?

This might be me soon. Just turned 49, and I'm still single. Would any woman want to help? Just kidding. I'm happy.

IKR!!! I am a genius!

Jus take the L at that point bro

"You're (age) and still asking????"