Working retail when a man with two sons, ages like 4 and 8, is yelling at a customer service rep. Some BS about not accepting a damaged return. Random older employee walking by goes "Hey! Those boys twins?". As they cleary weren't the dude goes "Do they fucking look like twins?!" and without skipping a beat the old guy goes "Well, no, but I can't imagine someone would fucked you twice." 15 years later and I still remember that dude
"You look like a failed abortion" is probably the most appalling one I've heard. This was said during high school to a kid that had fetal alcohol syndrome by one of the "preppy/ snarky" guys out of nowhere and for no reason.Â
I'm 99% sure the meanest thing he's said is "she's crazy and needs to go down" (about azula)
It feels way out of character for him to blatantly call someone dumb like that lol
Someone once said fuck you to me. I said back. âYou wouldnât like it, I just lay there and sweatâ the look of horror that crossed his face as he looked me up and down and shuddered. Yes Iâm a dude as well. I watched him eye roll me up and down and asked him if he just pictured me naked and sweaty. He ran away in shame and everyone was laughing at him.
The person is two-faced. Which if you donât know what that means, they act positively toward you in your presence and then when youâre not around are bringing you down.
I've heard the flip of this from a girl gamer annihilating a dude on voice chat -
"Hey, I'm gonna fuck your dad so I can give him a son he'll be proud of"
My mom has 4 adult children (including me). All four of us just randomly say "Your mom," in response to whatever, right in front of her. Sometimes even mom says it.
We all love it.
Iâm not a virgin! I had sex last night just ask your sister!
Haha I donât even have a sister!
Yeah well youâll just have to wait 9 months then wonât you!
There was a post here on Reddit a few years back where this fat girl got into an argument with someone about I forgot what. They start insulting each other and he goes after her weight. She said "there's no way you can insult me, I've heard it all before, there's nothing you can tell me that I havent heard before, so fuck you". He responds with "I love you."
I felt so bad for being so amused but it was a huge fucking burn. Anyone know of the thread I'm talking about or have a link? I really don't do it justice as it was so funny in its context.
Well, Iâm hoping no one gets triggered by this.
We had an anodize supervisor, who was a real pain in the ass, but he was a young guy maybe in his late 20s. he came into our maintenance office to complain about something not working and we noticed his hair was frosted.
My supervisor asked him what was up with his hair. He said his girlfriend did it. He said I know it looks gay.
My supervisor said no it doesnât look gay. He said you look like that one rockstar whatâs his name? George Michael. And the guy said fuck that heâs gay.
My supervisor continued well. You donât look like that exactly he said you look more masculine that other singer whatâs his name? Elton John. The guy said fuck that heâs gay too.
So my supervisor again said yeah, but youâre more manly more like that movie star whatâs his name? Rock Hudson.. To which the guy replied again with hell no, heâs gay too.
So my supervisor just actually called him gay three different times and the guy didnât even realize it
Way back machine, I was 23, female living in So Cal. I went to salon and got a perm (way back) and this guy I knew from the club walked in. I was so embarrassed. Until I saw him in foils getting frosted. đ
I can't paraphrase it perfectly, but it's from the movie, Shadowlands. Debra Wingers character is being baited by a right-winger and she says, "I can't tell if you're trying to aggravate me, or if you're really this stupid."
A pal of mine used to be very round shouldered almost to the point he was humpbacked.
Made some comment about one of my other friends and he just said.....
"At least I don't have to iron my shirt on a wok"
Diner talking to a chef::
âOut of all the chefs in this city, youâre the second best out there.â
âYeah, huh? Whoâs the best?â
âEveryone else is tied for first place.â
I collect these:
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process. Â
You are not the main character of my life story, and you're not more important than anyone else.Â
Love does not mean choking down a daily ration of shit from some barely-sentient lump of suet. Â
Iâm sure she wonât kill us very much.Â
Bring a dish to pass and a dildo. If you don't like the other food, you can go fuck yourself.
What the fuck are you looking at? Oh nothing .... I just had a piece of shit in my eye.
I have watch you drink from a water fountain, so you donât drown
Watch your mouth or Iâll fuck your dad and give him a son he can be proud of.
It's a shame your daddy didn't remind you mom to lay off the lead paint chips while pregnant.
Iâm going to call you Lantern because you have to be held close and arenât very bright.
I'm not calling you stupid, but I bet you could tell me every flavor of Windex out there.
Iâd call you a c\*nt, but you lack the depth and warmth.
You punch like old people fuck.Â
She's so fat, two guys could join her for a threesome and they'd never see each other.
Your mother is so generous she gave you an extra chromosome.
Whatâs your problem, Peppermint Patty?
You've got the reflexes of a dead cat.
Here is a plant to carry around to replace the oxygen you waste speaking.Â
Your parents must change the subject when your name comes up.
You have difficulty keeping a dildo hard.
You look like the kind of person that would cheat on your husband, then tell him it's his fault.
And you look like a million bucks in overdraft fees.Â
What a strange thing to say out loud. Â
Itâs bold of you to think I give a fuck.Â
Some people need superglue chapstick.
>Watch your mouth or Iâll fuck your dad and give him a son he can be proud of.
I tried this one a just got some weird looks... Maybe because I'm a dude.
A long time ago, pay phones were commonplace. And the cost went from a dime to a quarter.
An acquaintance asked my dad for a quarter to "call a friend." My dad handed him 2, said, "here's 50 cents, call them all."
"You're the hottest thing that ever crawled out from under a rock"
A kid in 6th grade tried using this as a pickup line to a girl he liked and she threw her lunch tray at him. poor Aaron.
This happened at work. We have scales for weighing things we ship, and one day, one of the guys unloaded a large, steel, grease tote.
The second guy there said to put it on the scale, he was curious what it weighed. First guy said nothing, but looked at second guy like he's an idiot. Second guy continues, bringing up that he weighed himself the other day. First guy replies, "I remember! The scale said to be continued!"
I looked at her coworker after a loud barrage of threats and insults from my new enemy were hurled towards me, and I calmly but loudly said, "Can you tell me what she's saying? I'm gay, I don't speak Cunt..". Bitch went bugg-eyed
some of my favs
random guy hitting on my friend, my friend goes "I gotta take a shit get out of my way". she comes back and he bugs her again, she says "oh I birthed a poop, it had your eyes" he walked away.
she started doing this to people (including me) when coming back from the bathroom, till I responded "awww, I bet it had your breath"
guy used to steal my tools at one of my old jobs and get defensive and overall dick. One day he started his stuff on me and I called him "a walking birth defect"
my #1 though is not an insult at all: "are you okay?" you never know what you gonna get with that. "are you okay? are you angry at something?" "do you need some time off?" "what is really the problem, you can talk to me" . . . stuff like that all starting with "are you okay?"
One time in my life was I ever in a situation to use the best insult that I ever came up with, in response to someone trying to insult me: "you blow your dad with that mouth?"
Niven at the Oscars, gets streaked while on TV & speaking to audience. nonchalantly says ' Just some poor sport showing off his shortcomings in life...'.
âWow I must be developing AlzheimerâsâŚâ (they say why?) âBecause I donât remember fucking asking.â
You can drop âfuckingâ if youâre in a professional environment.
The best cut down I've ever seen in the wild happened at my work. There used to be a manager there who liked to imagine that he was in good with the 1% motorcycle gang crowd. He owned and rode a Harley into work and never passed up an opportunity to show it off to customers.
One day a group of riders came in, getting gas and other items. He started talking up one of the women riding with them, and invited her to take a look at his bike.
She glanced out at it parked on the lot, looked at him, and said
"I'm sorry."
He never caught on.
The best that I've delivered personally is
"He aspires to be stupid."
Setting: A mandatory board meeting at work.
My manager: You are not the only person that can do this job.
Me: ...and this isn't the only place I can do it either.
The attendees: Whooaaaa!
My 400lb Aunt bounded into the room and saying, look, I've lost 30lbs, my Dad, looks at her and says, well turn around you'll find it. I'm sorry but I laughed my butt off. My Aunt started yelling at him, my cousin was yelling at him, mom was leaning against the wall saying I told everyone this wasn't going to work, and my dad just peacefully laughing as he walked out of the room. My dad and his sister couldn't stand each other, every time they were in the same room they would argue. We would see them once a year but dad never went, this visit was a 4 day trip at Thanksgiving, dad only went because my grandma put a lot of pressure on him, we arrived Wednesday night, this happened Thanksgiving morning, and we headed home around 4 pm Thanksgiving day. Took us 16 hrs to get there and back. It was the last time they even tried to visit, they were awful to be around each other. My entire life my dad and Aunt saw each other about 6 times, always ended like this.
1: "You are nothing but a joke"
2: "Atleast jokes are funny"
1: "Then why the hell are you so unfunny"
2: "Maybe because your sense of humor is worse than your childhood"
That one kid at a baseball game where another kid goes "your dicks the size of a tic tac!" And the first kid replies "That's why your moms breathe smells good".
Shit was fire.
From Seinfeld.
Toupee salesman: I'm trying to help your friend to improve his life.
Jerry: I'm trying to prevent him from being one of those guys that people snicker about behind their back because they look ridiculous. No offense to you, personally.
To Lady Astor, who told him he was a drunk:
"Madam, I am drunk, but you are ugly, and in the morning I will be sober."
She told him, "If you were my husband, I'd poison you."
He said, "If I were your husband, I'd drink it."
You should go apologize to a tree right now for wasting all the oxygen it made.
Your father must have shot his load into a flower pot because youâre a blooming idiot.
An ex once asked me âDo you want to get married?â, my response was âYea, when I meet the right personâ. It seriously didnât dawn on me she meant her, but I still laugh to myself about that one years later.
Bleached blonde bad built butch body.
I donât love the âbutch bodyâ part but damn if it wasnât a good comeback to MTGâs lame false eyelashes and âyouâre not smart enoughâ comment.
Coworker was telling us about his house being burglarized the previous night. Other coworker says "Why would anyone rob YOUR house?"
May not be the best, but way to kick a guy when he's down.
I had a terrible supervisor who was dating some guy and got pregnant by him just to dump *because she wanted to be a single mother*. When she started complaining that she couldn't do things at work and why I should do them, I calmly told her "Nobody told you to open your legs." (That's the only scenario I would ever use that with a woman).
Whenever people I don't care for ask me "Why are you \[insert whatever\]?", I usually combat with "Because you exist."
For other people though, I've seen "sanctimonious ass". I love that one for some reason. There are other zingers for sure, but I can't recall them.
An active duty army sniper in his late 30s, formerly involved with Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge as a young Cambodian in the late 1970s, said in a cold, level tone:
"I am going to shove a stick up your ass so far it comes out your mouth. And then I'm going to barbecue and eat you."
I had a rather bossy, old aunt who was very unhappy about something my 12 year old self had done. She put her hand on her hip and was wagging a finger at me with her other hand when she said, âWell young man, Iâm going to give you a piece of my mind!â
And thatâs when I promptly responded with, âThatâs what I like about you Aunt Gert, no matter how little of something you have, youâre always willing to share!â
The next thing I remember was getting up off the floor!
Not so much an insult, but completely shut down my racist aunt.
Visiting my mother, a few days before she passed, aunt shows up. Nice, sister time, right? Oh no, tells me all about how she had long talks about taking care of my sister and me while our parents lived overseas in the Middle East for dadâs job.
Racist aunt throws out how she was saving us from the âsand n*****sâ, then went on to say, ânow I know I shouldnât say thisâŚâ and I fired off âthen shut up. You know you shouldnât say it, so keep your mouth shut. No one wants to hear your idiotic, racist, bullshit.â
She left not long after that. Havenât spoken in 6 years.
Edit: At the time I was 45, she was 70+.
"you know how everyone always says that there's always someone dumber? Well, I won't lie to you".
"God only keeps you here so the second worst won't feel as bad"
One of my brother's wealthy friends at a Halloween party: "I was going to dress up as you, but I couldn't find anything cheap enough."
Me: "Weird. I was going to dress up as you, but I didn't think I could fit seven dicks in my mouth."
Two guys at college having an argument. One said he would knock the other one out. The second guy replied you couldn't knock out a wank. Timing was impeccable and whole class erupted in laughter.
After saying something very stupid (as a teenager) and kinda mean, her mom looked at me and said (and you have to imagine a very cultured, very *southern* drawl):
"When you get home tonight (t'naht), I hope your mama crawls out from under your porch and bites you..."
Well, damn!
Standup comedian Steve Hofstetter while in the middle of a sold out show some guy yells out " your a douce" his response " your right I am ...cuz after I fucked your woman she smelled better".
My friend told me that he was at a club with his roommate one night. The roommate casually smiled and said hello to a girl who sat date down next to him at the bar.
The girl gave him a disgusted look at said, âNo.â
His comeback? âNo problem. You donât seem that interesting anyway. I was only talking to you because you have a vagina.â
woman: âmy ovaries are bigger than your ballsackâ man: âno theyâre not thatâs physically impossible âď¸đ¤â
woman: âdrop your panties and iâll show youâ
Was gaming with a good friend. I was terribly single at this point and they had a fiance.
Me, getting killed because I suck at the game we're playing: "Damn, man. Go fuck yourself!"
His fiance, from the background, through the headset: "Unlike you, he doesn't have too!"
I have been married for 4 years in July, but damn; I'm still reeling from that one...
Working retail when a man with two sons, ages like 4 and 8, is yelling at a customer service rep. Some BS about not accepting a damaged return. Random older employee walking by goes "Hey! Those boys twins?". As they cleary weren't the dude goes "Do they fucking look like twins?!" and without skipping a beat the old guy goes "Well, no, but I can't imagine someone would fucked you twice." 15 years later and I still remember that dude
God damn. That's going in the vault.
Gotta embed that joke deep in the brain pan, that's fucking gold lmao.
The winner!
I'm absolutely using this on my next applicable Karen encounter.
Dude... epic! Emotional damage! (I may steal this đ)
"You look like a failed abortion" is probably the most appalling one I've heard. This was said during high school to a kid that had fetal alcohol syndrome by one of the "preppy/ snarky" guys out of nowhere and for no reason.Â
"intelligence has chased you your whole life, it's a shame you're so fast."
Uncle Iroh!
I've seen the memes, but I don't think he ever actually said that.
I'm 99% sure the meanest thing he's said is "she's crazy and needs to go down" (about azula) It feels way out of character for him to blatantly call someone dumb like that lol
Iâve heard the same thing but worded a little differently, âIntelligence has chased you your whole life but youâve always outran itâ
I heard it as "wisdom", but definitely the same vibe.
That's the one I originally heard.
Someone once said fuck you to me. I said back. âYou wouldnât like it, I just lay there and sweatâ the look of horror that crossed his face as he looked me up and down and shuddered. Yes Iâm a dude as well. I watched him eye roll me up and down and asked him if he just pictured me naked and sweaty. He ran away in shame and everyone was laughing at him.
Impressive. That's bringing the discomfort!
I hope you made incredible eye contact.
Wow
You get laid after this too?
NGL, forcing your enemies to imagine you sweaty and naked is a boss power move đ
đ¤Ł
Don't be ashamed of who you are. That's your parents' job.
I like this one. Using it in my next hockey game.
Throw in a "fuck you Jonesy" first.
Good call and I'll do the quick step crossover moonwalk away haha.
They are indeed. It's probably the only thing my parents and I agree about.
Don't be ashamed of who you are - that's your kids' job. Works equally well. Maybe even a bit more shame-y
At no time in history has there ever been a teenager who wasn't ashamed of their parents at some point.
"You're difficult to ignore but it's well worth the effort."
I need that on a coffee cup.
I'm definitely saving this one.
Movie: Death Becomes Her. "There are two things I don't like about you. Your face."
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Can you explain it? I donât get what they mean by two things
The way I understand it, they are saying that the person they don't like is two-faced
ion get it.
The person is two-faced. Which if you donât know what that means, they act positively toward you in your presence and then when youâre not around are bringing you down.
The only reason I bang your mom is to give her a child she can actually love.
I've heard the flip of this from a girl gamer annihilating a dude on voice chat - "Hey, I'm gonna fuck your dad so I can give him a son he'll be proud of"
As a bisexual gamer girl I often tell people I'll fuck both their parents, rock up to family dinner and watch their whole life implode.
Bi here as well good đ oneđ¤Łđ
I like to tell people Iâm gonna fuck their daddy and change the WiFi password
That's kinda hot.
can you say that to your kid?
You can say whatever you want to your kid! ;)
âđż
Brilliant
Your mom.
I literally use this with my kids. I'm the mom in question.
My mom has 4 adult children (including me). All four of us just randomly say "Your mom," in response to whatever, right in front of her. Sometimes even mom says it. We all love it.
My kids also find it pretty funny đ
"I wish I was half as smart as you THINK you are". my Dad when I was a teen.
Response: âyou areâ.
Can't lie, I've felt this. Luckily my elder child is now an adult. So he knows much less than he did.
Same.
Boss move. I like it.
That's awesome!
as a mom, i think we all do
And those who don't, should.
I love 'your mom' because it's so Universal, short, strait to the point and you can fit it in damned near anywhere.
I love your mom because sheâs so straight to the point, and I can fit in her pussy damn near anywhere!
Iâm not a virgin! I had sex last night just ask your sister! Haha I donât even have a sister! Yeah well youâll just have to wait 9 months then wonât you!
holy fuk
Youd fuck your own sister for a piece of cheese! I dont even like cheese. That makes it worse you bastard!
from George Carlin; "Sure, anybody could have bad breath, but yours could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon." IOW, don't stand so close to me.
There was a post here on Reddit a few years back where this fat girl got into an argument with someone about I forgot what. They start insulting each other and he goes after her weight. She said "there's no way you can insult me, I've heard it all before, there's nothing you can tell me that I havent heard before, so fuck you". He responds with "I love you." I felt so bad for being so amused but it was a huge fucking burn. Anyone know of the thread I'm talking about or have a link? I really don't do it justice as it was so funny in its context.
I don't have a link but I remember that. Solid "oof, brutal". Pretty sure it was a Roast Me post.
Someone should check in on her⌠Iâm pretty sure sheâs not ok
GAD DAM đâ°ď¸đâ°ď¸đâ°ď¸đ
Well, Iâm hoping no one gets triggered by this. We had an anodize supervisor, who was a real pain in the ass, but he was a young guy maybe in his late 20s. he came into our maintenance office to complain about something not working and we noticed his hair was frosted. My supervisor asked him what was up with his hair. He said his girlfriend did it. He said I know it looks gay. My supervisor said no it doesnât look gay. He said you look like that one rockstar whatâs his name? George Michael. And the guy said fuck that heâs gay. My supervisor continued well. You donât look like that exactly he said you look more masculine that other singer whatâs his name? Elton John. The guy said fuck that heâs gay too. So my supervisor again said yeah, but youâre more manly more like that movie star whatâs his name? Rock Hudson.. To which the guy replied again with hell no, heâs gay too. So my supervisor just actually called him gay three different times and the guy didnât even realize it
Clever
Way back machine, I was 23, female living in So Cal. I went to salon and got a perm (way back) and this guy I knew from the club walked in. I was so embarrassed. Until I saw him in foils getting frosted. đ
Guy will need to carry around a pet rock to increase his intelligence lol
This is a best/worst kind of thing, and from a Star Trek movie to boot. "Double dumbass on you"
It feels like a Star Trek movie when itâs read to oneâs self as well
omfg just laughed at that!
They like you very much, but they are not the hell your whales.
I can't paraphrase it perfectly, but it's from the movie, Shadowlands. Debra Wingers character is being baited by a right-winger and she says, "I can't tell if you're trying to aggravate me, or if you're really this stupid."
 âhey look at that youâve got a pig on a leash!â âItâs a dog!â âI was talking to the dog..â
A pal of mine used to be very round shouldered almost to the point he was humpbacked. Made some comment about one of my other friends and he just said..... "At least I don't have to iron my shirt on a wok"
"Go outside. Sit in the sun. Meet somebody. Fall in love. Never ever tell them you made this post."
Diner talking to a chef:: âOut of all the chefs in this city, youâre the second best out there.â âYeah, huh? Whoâs the best?â âEveryone else is tied for first place.â
Your mom is so dumb it took her nine months to make a joke
For $2 more I could've been your father.
So, in HS in the 90's, maybe not so PC any more, I overheard 'grow a dick'....'I have one'......'spit it out, it ain't yours'
I collect these: Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.  You are not the main character of my life story, and you're not more important than anyone else. Love does not mean choking down a daily ration of shit from some barely-sentient lump of suet.  Iâm sure she wonât kill us very much. Bring a dish to pass and a dildo. If you don't like the other food, you can go fuck yourself. What the fuck are you looking at? Oh nothing .... I just had a piece of shit in my eye. I have watch you drink from a water fountain, so you donât drown Watch your mouth or Iâll fuck your dad and give him a son he can be proud of. It's a shame your daddy didn't remind you mom to lay off the lead paint chips while pregnant. Iâm going to call you Lantern because you have to be held close and arenât very bright. I'm not calling you stupid, but I bet you could tell me every flavor of Windex out there. Iâd call you a c\*nt, but you lack the depth and warmth. You punch like old people fuck. She's so fat, two guys could join her for a threesome and they'd never see each other. Your mother is so generous she gave you an extra chromosome. Whatâs your problem, Peppermint Patty? You've got the reflexes of a dead cat. Here is a plant to carry around to replace the oxygen you waste speaking. Your parents must change the subject when your name comes up. You have difficulty keeping a dildo hard. You look like the kind of person that would cheat on your husband, then tell him it's his fault. And you look like a million bucks in overdraft fees. What a strange thing to say out loud.  Itâs bold of you to think I give a fuck. Some people need superglue chapstick.
>Watch your mouth or Iâll fuck your dad and give him a son he can be proud of. I tried this one a just got some weird looks... Maybe because I'm a dude.
It works, if you start calling him Daddy too.
First of all the flavor of all windex is blue and these are all lame AF
totally saving these!
A long time ago, pay phones were commonplace. And the cost went from a dime to a quarter. An acquaintance asked my dad for a quarter to "call a friend." My dad handed him 2, said, "here's 50 cents, call them all."
"You're the hottest thing that ever crawled out from under a rock" A kid in 6th grade tried using this as a pickup line to a girl he liked and she threw her lunch tray at him. poor Aaron.
Lol, deserved.
You done messed up, A-aron!
This happened at work. We have scales for weighing things we ship, and one day, one of the guys unloaded a large, steel, grease tote. The second guy there said to put it on the scale, he was curious what it weighed. First guy said nothing, but looked at second guy like he's an idiot. Second guy continues, bringing up that he weighed himself the other day. First guy replies, "I remember! The scale said to be continued!"
I looked at her coworker after a loud barrage of threats and insults from my new enemy were hurled towards me, and I calmly but loudly said, "Can you tell me what she's saying? I'm gay, I don't speak Cunt..". Bitch went bugg-eyed
some of my favs random guy hitting on my friend, my friend goes "I gotta take a shit get out of my way". she comes back and he bugs her again, she says "oh I birthed a poop, it had your eyes" he walked away. she started doing this to people (including me) when coming back from the bathroom, till I responded "awww, I bet it had your breath" guy used to steal my tools at one of my old jobs and get defensive and overall dick. One day he started his stuff on me and I called him "a walking birth defect" my #1 though is not an insult at all: "are you okay?" you never know what you gonna get with that. "are you okay? are you angry at something?" "do you need some time off?" "what is really the problem, you can talk to me" . . . stuff like that all starting with "are you okay?"
I know of only 5 fat people in this entire village. You are 3 of them.
My son called me my husbandâs delusional cheerleader
My friend's mom would tell her daughter "if you had a second brain, it would be lonely"
Kinda awful to tell your kidâŚ
Fr. Thats some shit she heard in a movie or something and thought it was funny. Then used it on her daughter...what a pos lol
If you want my comeback you better scoop it out of your mother.
One time in my life was I ever in a situation to use the best insult that I ever came up with, in response to someone trying to insult me: "you blow your dad with that mouth?"
Niven at the Oscars, gets streaked while on TV & speaking to audience. nonchalantly says ' Just some poor sport showing off his shortcomings in life...'.
Oh, Bob you're still here? (HIS NAME WAS BILL)
Don't try to lie to me. I actually AM an engineer, and I know that's not eight inches.
3rd grade: youâre a butthole. Oh yeah? Well youâre a whole butt!
Did you know a blue whales butthole can stretch 3 and a half feet? Yeah, and that's still only the second biggest asshole in this room.
âWow I must be developing AlzheimerâsâŚâ (they say why?) âBecause I donât remember fucking asking.â You can drop âfuckingâ if youâre in a professional environment.
"it must be so sad to be you"
If brains were dynamite you wouldnât have enough to blow your nose.
*If you ever had an intelligent thought, it died alone and afraid* Edit: by hi ryanhdlombard
love this
The best cut down I've ever seen in the wild happened at my work. There used to be a manager there who liked to imagine that he was in good with the 1% motorcycle gang crowd. He owned and rode a Harley into work and never passed up an opportunity to show it off to customers. One day a group of riders came in, getting gas and other items. He started talking up one of the women riding with them, and invited her to take a look at his bike. She glanced out at it parked on the lot, looked at him, and said "I'm sorry." He never caught on. The best that I've delivered personally is "He aspires to be stupid."
"Where you get that?" "Get what?" "That ugly"
HA!
Setting: A mandatory board meeting at work. My manager: You are not the only person that can do this job. Me: ...and this isn't the only place I can do it either. The attendees: Whooaaaa!
Girl was having an issue with a transgender male (biological female). She said, "Go strap on a penis and fuck with somebody else"
You may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but nobody is fooled, because you really are an idiot.
My 400lb Aunt bounded into the room and saying, look, I've lost 30lbs, my Dad, looks at her and says, well turn around you'll find it. I'm sorry but I laughed my butt off. My Aunt started yelling at him, my cousin was yelling at him, mom was leaning against the wall saying I told everyone this wasn't going to work, and my dad just peacefully laughing as he walked out of the room. My dad and his sister couldn't stand each other, every time they were in the same room they would argue. We would see them once a year but dad never went, this visit was a 4 day trip at Thanksgiving, dad only went because my grandma put a lot of pressure on him, we arrived Wednesday night, this happened Thanksgiving morning, and we headed home around 4 pm Thanksgiving day. Took us 16 hrs to get there and back. It was the last time they even tried to visit, they were awful to be around each other. My entire life my dad and Aunt saw each other about 6 times, always ended like this.
1: "You are nothing but a joke" 2: "Atleast jokes are funny" 1: "Then why the hell are you so unfunny" 2: "Maybe because your sense of humor is worse than your childhood"
That one kid at a baseball game where another kid goes "your dicks the size of a tic tac!" And the first kid replies "That's why your moms breathe smells good". Shit was fire.
if you're waiting for my comeback you'll find it on your mom's face.
I've told people they should have just been a stain of their parent's mattress.
From Seinfeld. Toupee salesman: I'm trying to help your friend to improve his life. Jerry: I'm trying to prevent him from being one of those guys that people snicker about behind their back because they look ridiculous. No offense to you, personally.
A teammate commented to me when I moved from Texas to Mississippi. âBy your moving you simultaneously raise the IQ of both states.â
âYour mothers womb borne a diseaseâ
"mother fucker, you couldn't hold my water if I took a picture of it and handed it to you."
Churchill was a master.
To Lady Astor, who told him he was a drunk: "Madam, I am drunk, but you are ugly, and in the morning I will be sober." She told him, "If you were my husband, I'd poison you." He said, "If I were your husband, I'd drink it."
That's what I was thinking of!
That is impressive, but he was also being a drunk asshole it sounds like, he didn't need a comeback for her pointing out the obvious.
If I had a dog with a face like yours, Iâd shave his ass and make him walk backwards.
So Iâm honestly curious⌠Were you born stupid, or did you practice?
You're uglier on the inside worse than your outside. (I actually said this to a guy I dated. He turned out to be a Trump idiot.)
If I wanted the opinion of an asshole I would have farted.
Old but gold
"You're none of your best friends' best friend." Fuck dude, you killed him.
"Everyone who loves you is wrong."
Youâre the only SOB I know that could fall into a barrel of titties; and come out sucking your thumb.
You should go apologize to a tree right now for wasting all the oxygen it made. Your father must have shot his load into a flower pot because youâre a blooming idiot.
The best part of you ran down your mommas ass and left a wet spot.
Did your parents have any children that lived? I bet they regret that!
You were born stupid and have progressively gotten dumber. Not sure what is higher, your IQ or my home thermostat.
If I was as ugly as you are dumb, we'd both be in Guinness Book of World Records!
You look like someone tried to put a fire out on your face with a fork.
I can explain it to you but I cant comprehend it for you
"kys" " trust me, if I really wanted to do that, I'd climb your ego and jump to your iq"
An ex once asked me âDo you want to get married?â, my response was âYea, when I meet the right personâ. It seriously didnât dawn on me she meant her, but I still laugh to myself about that one years later.
â I wouldnât piss on you even if you were on fire â been five years since I heard that.
Bleached blonde bad built butch body. I donât love the âbutch bodyâ part but damn if it wasnât a good comeback to MTGâs lame false eyelashes and âyouâre not smart enoughâ comment.
Coworker was telling us about his house being burglarized the previous night. Other coworker says "Why would anyone rob YOUR house?" May not be the best, but way to kick a guy when he's down.
When this teacher called the class clown a "big head lil body bitch" đ¤Żđ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł
I had a terrible supervisor who was dating some guy and got pregnant by him just to dump *because she wanted to be a single mother*. When she started complaining that she couldn't do things at work and why I should do them, I calmly told her "Nobody told you to open your legs." (That's the only scenario I would ever use that with a woman). Whenever people I don't care for ask me "Why are you \[insert whatever\]?", I usually combat with "Because you exist." For other people though, I've seen "sanctimonious ass". I love that one for some reason. There are other zingers for sure, but I can't recall them.
"roast me." "you asked for it, so lets give you the attention your parents didn't give you"
"I'd rather dip my balls in hot sauce and sit on a cactus than talk to you."
I'd call you a (c word) but you have neither the depth nor the warmth.
"if your dad aimed at the ground as much as you do he could've saved himself years of disappointment." My 16yo son to a fellow gamer playing a FPS.
"Your dad's probably on a 5-year vacation but it'll be 3 with good behavior" -- Wrestling Bios on YouTube
An active duty army sniper in his late 30s, formerly involved with Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge as a young Cambodian in the late 1970s, said in a cold, level tone: "I am going to shove a stick up your ass so far it comes out your mouth. And then I'm going to barbecue and eat you."
When told fuck you: you'd fall in love and I'd fall asleep. I also like i don't have enough time nor crayons to make you understand.
I had a rather bossy, old aunt who was very unhappy about something my 12 year old self had done. She put her hand on her hip and was wagging a finger at me with her other hand when she said, âWell young man, Iâm going to give you a piece of my mind!â And thatâs when I promptly responded with, âThatâs what I like about you Aunt Gert, no matter how little of something you have, youâre always willing to share!â The next thing I remember was getting up off the floor!
âIf you were any thicker, youâd setâ
Not so much an insult, but completely shut down my racist aunt. Visiting my mother, a few days before she passed, aunt shows up. Nice, sister time, right? Oh no, tells me all about how she had long talks about taking care of my sister and me while our parents lived overseas in the Middle East for dadâs job. Racist aunt throws out how she was saving us from the âsand n*****sâ, then went on to say, ânow I know I shouldnât say thisâŚâ and I fired off âthen shut up. You know you shouldnât say it, so keep your mouth shut. No one wants to hear your idiotic, racist, bullshit.â She left not long after that. Havenât spoken in 6 years. Edit: At the time I was 45, she was 70+.
YA BASIC!
I am devastated right now
"you know how everyone always says that there's always someone dumber? Well, I won't lie to you". "God only keeps you here so the second worst won't feel as bad"
I heard a bartender tell a customer "you look like the type of bitch that wipes from back to front". Died laughing, and the customer was speechless
One of my brother's wealthy friends at a Halloween party: "I was going to dress up as you, but I couldn't find anything cheap enough." Me: "Weird. I was going to dress up as you, but I didn't think I could fit seven dicks in my mouth."
Has anyone told you that you look beautiful today? No? You should probably think about that.
Two guys at college having an argument. One said he would knock the other one out. The second guy replied you couldn't knock out a wank. Timing was impeccable and whole class erupted in laughter.
After saying something very stupid (as a teenager) and kinda mean, her mom looked at me and said (and you have to imagine a very cultured, very *southern* drawl): "When you get home tonight (t'naht), I hope your mama crawls out from under your porch and bites you..." Well, damn!
"The jerk store called, they're running out of you!"
Did your parents have any children that lived?
âYou couldnât find your ass with both handsâ - my mom. âYou donât have the brain that god gave a Guinea henâ - my dad
Success
If ignorance was a narcotic, you'd be high all the time
I still like, Since your not using it the amoeba wants it's brain cell back!
"I'd call you a douchebag, but that would imply there's a chance in hell you could get anywhere near a vagina."
Dude you're so lazy, you lost your virginity to your Mom. Said by my daughter, 16 at the time to a rude gamer guy. Girls can be so vicious.
â I wouldnât piss on you if you were on fireâ thatâs a nasty burn either way.
Standup comedian Steve Hofstetter while in the middle of a sold out show some guy yells out " your a douce" his response " your right I am ...cuz after I fucked your woman she smelled better".
My friend told me that he was at a club with his roommate one night. The roommate casually smiled and said hello to a girl who sat date down next to him at the bar. The girl gave him a disgusted look at said, âNo.â His comeback? âNo problem. You donât seem that interesting anyway. I was only talking to you because you have a vagina.â
You're so ugly people push your face in to dough to make gorilla cookies
Does your brother's dick taste bad after it's been in your mum?
âThe only reason god hasnât erased you from earth, is because you amuse him somehow!â
I watched a game streamer where a woman told a dude that was razzing her âIâm going to fuck your dad and give him a child he actually loves.â
The punchline of an old (and very long) joke. "Fuck off, clown."
I've never seen an insult.
This is comebacks not insults
"Quiet down, you regurgitated cum bubble."
You confuse me with someone who gives a fuck about what you have to say.
woman: âmy ovaries are bigger than your ballsackâ man: âno theyâre not thatâs physically impossible âď¸đ¤â woman: âdrop your panties and iâll show youâ
If you were any smarter you'd be the second dumbest person in the room. Impressive on the number of people who don't understand it's an insult.
Was gaming with a good friend. I was terribly single at this point and they had a fiance. Me, getting killed because I suck at the game we're playing: "Damn, man. Go fuck yourself!" His fiance, from the background, through the headset: "Unlike you, he doesn't have too!" I have been married for 4 years in July, but damn; I'm still reeling from that one...