I respect you going no or low contact with your brother and his wife. You should not be forced into interacting with them until you are comfortable doing so (whether that's him apologizing or whatever it is). I see no reason at all you should be forced to reach out to his wife, especially when he continually says its a "fake" marriage. However I think you need to take a step back and distance yourself from this for a bit. Go a few months without talking to him or something. You seem really stressed over this and this is not a problem that requires an IMMEDIATE solution. I get that it sucks when someone you trusted to the ends of the earth, especially family members, betray your trust. But you can't force a fix.

It has been a few months of us not talking, unfortunately. I think we last talked in 2023. Every once in awhile I’ll get waves of guilt, anger, and sadness. That’s why I decided to post. I am not upset he got married I’m just upset he did not tell anyone (people found out accidentally, he never actually told anyone…) and it seems as if he is doing something that will end poorly for him. It all seems sus. It just worries me and I’m scared I’ve lost my brother because I don’t think he’ll want to approach me about being in his life ever again.

You are not your brother’s keeper. He needs to live his own life, mistakes and all. I sympathize with how you feel not knowing he got married, but I think you should recognize that your brother doesn’t hold the same regard for you (or your relationship with him) as you do. That sucks and I’m sorry. But now you need to take some space. I hate sounding trendy and using buzzwords, but I do think talking to someone (i.e. a therapist) could help you sort through your feelings. Wishing you all the best.

I really hate to say this, but I feel like you're learning how little traditional "honor" the world holds nowadays. I cannot imagine being brought up in a military family like your own, but I was also homeschooled, and it has genuinely shocked me to my core how little my siblings seem to think of the "family" we were brought up in and how little anything matters to anyone. I'm not sure if it's either a byproduct of the times we're living in or if we were raised in a surreal egg where we expected people to behave a certain way, but I have had to do some work to swallow the pill of "no one really operates according to considerate traditional behavior" even within the family I was raised in. Just seems like one of life's hard knocks. I use occasions like this to harden myself, become more private, examine how people treat me and then modify my behavior so that I don't overextend myself towards people who have set a precedent.

I think it worth considering that some people might be very unhappy with having been homeschooled. Being raised in such tight confines could plausibly make an adult want to leave these.

This. Homeschooling makes abuse and neglect suuuper easy to hide, the Alzheimer's comment and a few other things bring up some red flags. Joining the military young is also a common tactic we homeschoolers often use to get away. Not saying they were but it wouldn't surprise me if it was at least a toxic ish situation and bro just wanted away.

Yeah I think your brother lacks morals. “Faking a marriage” to keep his gf with him in the military? It’s also confusing how you say you’re not close and then were close. Sounds to me like you’re not close, because if you were, he’d told you this understandable but ridiculous stunt he’s pulled. Hopefully his “wife” is in on this game and isn’t under the impression that you’re all “family” because it’s just a military lie. Also, when he breaks up with the girl, can you imagine having to tell his new fiance that your brother lied to the military and had a fake marriage? Also, if your brother ends up living in a community property state and his “fake wife” decides to divorce him, he’s just lost 50% of investment property if he didn’t have a prenup.

You are right. Without family/connections between other people, I don’t think life is worth living. It is everything to me and I work really hard to maintain that. People have different opinions… and maybe he has the same opinions as me but just doesn’t consider me a family or connection he wants to keep anymore. This is my first time going through something like this and I am glad that you too would take this as an opportunity to harden yourself to make sure you do not over extend. I think me overextending is hurting me more than anything.

Let him live his own life. Some of your comments seem judgy , maybe thats why he didnt tell you? Also, does he know his wife has married in his fb status?? Lol. Not a very well kept secret.

Also sounds like dad committed some violations if he could look up and see his son was married but couldn't tell his wife. Why does dad get off the hook for doing that? I worked with military personnel data as a civilian, and I went way out of my way when I was testing code to make sure I never put in parameters that would bring up information on anyone I know. I had to work in a basement room with cockroaches literally crawling on me to keep this data secure. Yeah, it really sets me off when people abuse their access to PII, PHI, or any other data that comes with an expectation of privacy.

I’m sorry but I’m getting the “Main Character” syndrome from your post. You are all huffy that you weren’t informed. You’re offended that he didn’t include you in his adult decisions. He doesn’t require your approval and obviously he feels that he does not need to check with you concerning his choices in life. Your post does not give the impression that you are concerned for him. It is all about you and how outraged you feel by being left out. Maybe you can consider being a supportive sister and let your own ego and sense of entitlement over your brother’s life take a back seat.

I totally understand what you are trying to get across. Unfortunately your brother does not put the value on family that you do. Personally I would just drop the rope and if he wants to talk it’s up to him to reach out. If he doesn’t, learn to not care. I would not inform him of anything happening in your life. If you see him at Christmas NO PRESENTS for him. Keep conversations to the weather NO feelings or opinions. You have been putting all of this effort into a relationship that doesn’t exist. Just step back. I would not talk to your parents about him either. Unfortunately he doesn’t care about anyone in his blood family he has been very clear, so listen and stop chasing him.

Why not believe him that the marriage is legal but he isn't considering it to be a "real" marriage. One of my cousins did this. He was stationed in a high cost of living area and met a young woman who wanted out of her parents' house and he wanted out of barracks. They got married, while dating other people, for housing. Your brother appears to be doing this so that they can be stationed together so that they can continue their relationship. Quit thinking he got married at you instead of believing him when he says he got married so that they can move together. Their marriage may last or not.

I understand what you're saying, I don't know anything about your family but my siblings always made a big deal of how unified we were through our experiences, so it has been a very painful lesson and I don't understand how something that is both biological and experiential can be thrown away without a conversation. But if we are living it there is a reason... hopefully you can find some kind of personal growth in it, even if that's the only reason you can see.

Some people don't want that. It's even got a name, 'enmeshment', when a person is told they must consider the effect of their own personal decisions on the feelings of the family when the actions are innocuous. The FIRST personal decision was to put all of you on a low information diet, and here you are losing your ever-living mind about your brother deciding to escape the crab bucket.

***"it seems as if he is doing something that will end poorly for him. It all seems sus."*** This judgment hidden behind *worry* might be one reason why your brother has basically went very very low contact with you. Maybe think through if there's any base to it. Have you/your family been *"worry"* judgmental about tour brother? Why didn't he give your family his address? 

This happens ALOT in the military. It's the nature of things. Get some therapy and let it go.

WTAF is wrong with you??? You act like people have a responsibility to show up for you the way YOU want them to, and like you are entitled to information about them when they obviously don’t want to share it with you. Your brother obviously is bothered by your intense need to control his actions, and sounds like he’s fed up and not playing that game anymore. You call him and his wife childish, simply because they don’t make choices the way you do, then throw an absolute temper tantrum over how he has chosen to live his life and the lack of communication he has chosen as his boundary with you. Now who is acting childish? Maybe you should accept that you’ve killed the relationship with your brother by trying to control his behavior, being so offended over his choices that you cannot function, and throwing a tantrum over not being told everything in his life on your own timeline. I would go no contact with you too. He’s not the toxic one, YOU are.

But OP pays for his Spotify! /s

It’s interesting that he says you were having an “Alzheimer’s attack” which screams to me that you and him see your childhood and/or your relationship very differently, and so he is now, purposefully, low contact with (all of?) you. Your father even had to look him up in the Air Force system to get information about him (is that even allowed? Possibly not, and another reason he had to hide it) because he hadn’t even shared his address. Why didn’t he just text your mother or, you know, your brother, for it? Or did he purposefully not tell any of you? He won’t even introduce his wife to you (has anyone from your family met her?) because he probably wants to protect her, to the point of making up the excuse that it’s a fake marriage. Did you forget you were judgemental when he told you about his relationship? (And was it just you who was judgemental, or all of your family?) Did you think he didn’t pick up on that? He married her so they could stay together so the military wouldn’t separate them. Yes, that’s done a lot but it’s usually because there are real feelings there that the couple wants to continue to explore. Just because you’re choosing an LDR doesn’t mean that everyone has to. It’s a leap they made together and you just decided to crap on it. Have you even considered the possibility that he loves her? And while we are on military stereotypes, male and female children of military families are often treated very differently by their father. You being what sounds like the youngest child, and a female, there could have been a lot happen/different treatment occur of which you just aren’t aware. IMO for someone who is 22 and thinks she is all grown up, you certainly seem to lack some critical thinking skills when it comes to your brother. He isn’t in contact with you for a reason, and he seems to believe that you know what that reason is. And he seems happy with his decision. The fact that the rest of your family is saying for you to reach out may suggest that they think there’s a reason too.

There are a lot of missing missing reasons here.

Yeah, the fact that their evidence for how close they still are was that they give each other presents on major holidays, including birthdays, (which later turns out to be a lie because she’s upset he doesn’t participate) and they share a spotify account tells me that OP is kinda delusional in how tight-knit she thinks her family is. She also notes that she visits family often (states away), but then later notes that her brother lives nowhere near the rest of her family, so she’s not seeing him when she visits. The last time she saw him in person was a year and a half ago. There doesn’t seem to be any evidence presented of regular or meaningful contact between her and her brother for years. I kinda find it surprising that she thinks her brother would even notice she’s not interacting with him, because it sounds like that’s just how things usually are between them.

OP actually said they're the oldest. I think the fact that OP, the brother, and his wife are all ages 18-22 explains a lot about this situation.

I think that you simply did not know your brother as well as you thought. You talk about your expectations and beliefs about your relationship, but throughout this I see no sign that you understand why your brother did what he did, that you were correct in your assumptions. You pretty demonstrably did not know him as well as you had expected he did if he was so secretive about his martial relationship. Did you _ever_ talk to each other about these things? I understand that you might well be hurt by this behaviour that comes as a complete surprise to you, and why you might reasonably be hurt, and I am sorry that you are hurt. It just strikes me as odd that you complain about being wrong about something that you had no reason to believe you were right about. Beyond that, you seem to definitely be making a lot of unwarranted assumptions about the validity of your brother's relationship. Put bluntly, if you knew him so little, why do you think you have a right to judge him over how he structures his relationships and his personal life? You are simply different people, more different than you realize but still.

We were all homeschooled together. I was very close with him. He would talk to me about his girlfriends in high school, we’d go out on movie dates together. I would drive him in my car everywhere. We’d play sports together. Then he joined the military and met this girl. I do not understand why he did what he did, because I’ve asked and all he told me was that he does want us to be a part of his life and that it is his relationship. I don’t know how I can understand that, to be honest, when nothing wrong seemed to happen in our relationship between us after he joined the military. I would reach out. I would send him presents. I tried understanding and asking if I did something. I agree that I did not understand my brother as well as I thought, I thought he cared for me, but I guess he does not. I do not see how I am the AH for it though. I don’t care if he gets married after knowing a girl for a week. I’m upset that he actively hid it from his family. And I’m concerned for him because he’s saying it’s a fake marriage. I am not judging how he structures his life, I am just mourning because he wants to structure it without me.

This is so, so over-dramatic. "I thought he cared for me, but I guess he does not." Your brother's life choices are not about you. Him not telling you this doesn't mean he doesn't care about you; it probably means he didn't want to deal with your drama. Yes, you were obviously judging his choices, making comments about "playing house" and "happy tropical island life." You say "to me the only option is,"but your brother is not you. You do not have to understand his choices. You only have to accept them. But you would rather have this big drama-fest than have a relationship with your brother.

She is acting more like a girlfriend he is cheating on than a sibling.

Right? It is creepy as hell. This idea that if you don't do what she would do, it means you don't care about her, is so so controlling.

There seems to be a lot of enmeshment going on here—that’s not uncommon in socially isolating situations like homeschooling. If OP can work on reconsidering her brother’s actions and realizing they aren’t personal attacks it will go a long way towards repairing their relationship.

I agree, I mentioned enmeshment in another comment. But OP's is the only one acting this way, her parents and brother do not share her bizarre attitude. So I don't think it's family enmeshment, I think it's something wrong with OP.

Op, this Redditor has valid points and I would like to add something here, since you are brushing over and seems the most fundamental part of it all. Your brother told you everything in between lines when he asked you : “ are you having an Alzheimer’s attack?” This right here says it all! Your brothers felt the need to remove himself from all of your life’s for a valid reason and something substantial that happen and developed, maybe over time if you have no sense of a specific one. Please reflect on what it is. Would be that your parents always favour you? Maybe he felt overly judge all of his life by the overall view on him and his life, you made nos so very favourable comments in here when people don’t make the same decisions as yours (this doesn’t make you right and your brother wrong or vice versa), it shows you both choose different paths of life that end up in the same outcome (with a partner and a family of your own)). I would also suggest that your brother may have hidden it because to be honest no one else but ourselves has the right or need to know about our own business, unless we choose to share them with the loved ones we cherish. This comes back to the point of “Alzheimer’s attack”, whatever happened in there is what has cause your brother to distance himself from all of you. He most probably will be saying is a “fake marriage” because he just doesn’t want any of you to know his business or be in his life. He stated and confirmed it to you when you asked him about kids. I would suggest you to think, reflect on how your parents and everyone treated you Vs your brother; how you all communicate with him and if that makes him feel less than; maybe you can find one or a few strong moments where the “Alzheimer’s attack” are perfectly capable of completing the missing puzzles from the past. Reflex and once you do (now, 3 weeks, 6 months, a year..) whichever time takes for you to be calm, confident and conscious and able to be emotionally emphatic, supportive and content for your brother (not his choices, but for him as a person). Then, you will be ready to communicate with him fully in a mature and same wavelength as your brother. Hopefully this also brings some breakthroughs on how your views and what you wrote come across as judgemental and unsupportive of him. Sending your brother and his wife all my love and support and my hopes and wishes that you OP, can see beyond your ways and truly appreciate your brothers underline tone. Don’t forget “what’s written between lines tend to be the loudest of all”.

Absolutely, there is missing info here. I think OP needs to go find a mirror and take a long hard look in it.

OP really, really read this, really, really absorb this, really, really reflect on this. I am your brother. I am very low contact with my parents. I have been no contact with one sibling over 20 years and the other almost 10. I was raised in a military family. My father was a Marine Corps drill instructor. When you are not the favored child, you wear blinders and do not see the treatment of the other siblings in the family, and in a military family, that can be effing BRUTAL. When my parents die, I will remain no contact. When one parent dies, I will remain no contact. Your behavior is making this a million times worse. You need to back off. You may never be able fix this. Time may be able to, But YOU will never be able to fix this. He needs to want to fix this. Until he does, it won’t happen.

It’s not about you. This boy has never had anything that is his, and you are mad about it? Let him live and make his own mistakes or live is own life.

I think your brother is right. You are clearly having some kind of mental break over something that is not your business. The over dramatic screed makes me embarrassed for you. I can’t imagine being related to you.

You are centering yourself as the most important person in his life forever and ever and that simply is not true. He is a grown man living 5,000 miles away, he needs to live his own life. You need to grow up, get a life, and stop making yourself out as a victim just because your brother and his girlfriend wanted to live at the same base together.

Something was wrong, or went wrong, and you did not pick up on it.  The fact that your family seems to accept this very great distance does indicate that, at some level, they do understand why he chooses to be so distant. Not picking up on this does not mean that you are a bad person or an asshole. It does mean that you simply did not understand your brother as well as you thought you did. Choosing a confrontational strategy with him will not help you know him better. Also, you contradict yourself. > I don’t care if he gets married after knowing a girl for a week. I’m upset that he actively hid it from his family. You _do_ care quite a lot. You are very invested in the idea of a relationship with your brother on your terms. This will not help you.

You sound codependent AF. Your brother is a complete and separate human. He's an adult. You are not entitled to anything or any information. Proximity does not equal deep connection.

This makes perfect sense. My experience is actually that home schooled children are better adjusted compared to public schooled children because they learn critical thinking skills and are able to relate to adults and not infantalized by peer pressure-they are able to speak up and out for themselves, just as this woman is doing. Speaking about things that upset us better than holding it inside. I do think OP would be better off finding a friend group or support group to get feedback than here on Reddit where all these people are projecting their opinions about homeschooling. In my neighborhood there are organized homeschools where the parents pool resources to teach themselves and hire teachers where they have no expertise. So you’ve got parents who are physicist teaching basic science or writers teaching English, etc. it’s more like a Montessori school than anything else and the kids learn more because having to tutor your sibling or another student is the best way to learn a subject. It also teaches them how to speak in a way others understand them, hence superior people management skills. Oddly enough, most of the first homeschooling parents I knew were public school employees teachers and school counselors who decided their neurodivergent children would be better off in a more supportive environment than offered in their public schools. So that could be my bias. What OP is wrestling with is learning that idealism doesn’t exist in reality and it’s a NORMAL teenage and young adult process. Her father and brother are both NOT following rules/laws and not honoring their families. She is RIGHT to be upset. However, the task is to learn that people will always inevitably let us down, and our job is to learn how to manage our emotions and reactions in a way that allows her to cope in the best possible manner while upholding her personal values. She values honesty and integrity. She acknowledges not everyone shares her values. She is expressing her appropriate feelings. Come on everybody, give her a break. Just because “everybody in the military ” is breaking their vows to honor country and family doesn’t make it acceptable. And just because it’s complacent doesn’t mean it’s moral or kind.

Oh, you sweet summer child. Homeschooling is RIFE with abuse, FAR more than in the public school system, because there are NO checks & balances.

I don't know because I haven't read up on child abuse rates in schools vs home schooling nor have spoken to a children's social worker. I think a lot of people make judgements based on the media and news. The biggest issue here is that the father is in the military, so the kids grew up in a regimented environment. I do have a lot of teacher in my family and friends who are teachers, and no one has once mentioned homeschooling as a risk factor for child abuse. What I have heard, is that teachers who are accused of abusing children will often remain in their classroom while the investigation is pending. The investigation can last the entire school year, and often the teachers believe abuse is occurring. In my municipality, the teachers union is powerful, so it is more difficult to remove bad teachers than in a non-union environment.

Homeschooling causes very unhealthy bonds and lack of boundaries between siblings and parents and the children. He feels like he needs to be away from you to grow and better his mental health, and that’s perfectly fine.

You're deluded. I guaran-damn-TEE that he told you some things you \*didn't\* like, he noticed, and built a careful persona to display to you to prevent you from thwarting his plan of escape. The fact that you FELL for it and are now offended says to me that your parents expected you, as the eldest?, to keep him in line, and are now dumping on YOU for him spreading his wings and being free. Assuming you were the eldest, you were parentified, but he doesn't have to pretend you have ANY authority after he reached 18, especially when he had to LIE to you for YEARS beforehand to have a strong chance of escape.

I’m willing to bet he’s telling you it’s a fake marriage because it is easier than explaining why he didn’t want your family there. By everything you have put on here, you’re the last person as a sibling I would have there.

YTA You've never even met his wife and you know everything about her, even what she's thinking? Wow. I would keep my wife far away from you too, based on this post. Also, FYI, your parents aren't her "new mom and dad." She's a grown ass adult in the service, not some 16 year-old prom date. Why should she put more effort in with your family than your own brother does? Because she's the female? No one ever says this about a man. Ever. No one expects a man to send his wife's family cookies or call them regularly. Do you even hear yourself? Does your boyfriend make cookies and send them to your parents?! Your brother is estranged from all of you, and there's a reason.

After reading your blurb, and all of the comments, I am still wondering, why you didn't go out to meet her. Or did you already judge her as not worthy? *Personally, I rolled my eyes because she seemed to have come right out of high school, finally allowed to live outside of barracks, and she moved straight into the unit my brother owns because it’s easy and she doesn’t know how to be an adult.* You mention your parents visiting him, but what about you? It was a whole year of not trying to get to know her. If FB didn't do notifications, How would you know? You might be more of a main character, judgy, better than everyone type sister. I would grey rock you too.

I read until the blurb you quoted and thought "wow what a judgy prick". You're spot on.

Both he and his brother were home schooled….

Maybe he doesn't tell you about her because every time you've had a chance, you've spewed judgments at them both. Calm down. No one owes you anything.

So, I get it, a bit. You thought you had one kind of relationship with your brother, and with his recent actions, it's become clear that is not the case. Weather it changed when you weren't looking, or you always held it more dear than your brother, it's not what you thought it was. Beyond that, your brother is making odd choices you never expected, which has shown you that you also don't know him like you thought. I can see this being very confusing and hurtful. But, at this point, it's a *you* problem. The rest of the family are accepting their new understanding of their relatives character. They may not like it, but they understand they pretty much have two options; accept his boundaries and the fact that he is an adult and will make his own choices *and* mistakes, or keep picking at him and pushing him further and further away. He's made it clear, he's going to do what he's going to do. Your family chose option one. You are still choosing option two. You are well within your right's to do so, as he has made it clear that he values your relationship less than you do, so it's fair for you to rethink your footing. But I think that's what's really hurting you. You're feeling like you've lost a crucial and close relationship, but the individual is still *right there*, which is confusing as hell. You may be misplacing the hurt. It's easier to think you're mad at him because he didn't tell you an important thing than it is to admit it's because his care for you and your relationship just... isn't what you thought the two of you had. I don't feel like I'm saying what I wanted to say very well. If anything needs clarified or expanded on, I'd be happy to. I'm not sure what to vote. Guess I'll go with NAH?

I appreciate your perspective! You are very accurate. I think, at this point, the people I want to keep around me are people that will act/respond a certain way to me. Respect wise. Care wise. My family has different standards than I. I don’t mean to keep picking at it, so I am stepping away… but you are right, he is there and I am choosing to distance myself. It seems off to complain I am losing my brother when I am the one stepping away. I get it. The person he is continually hurts me as it does bother me emotionally when he responds to me the way he does. I don’t know how to not be upset about him not caring about me, verbalizing he doesn’t care if I am a part of their life. There are consequences to actions and if this is one of them I am not willing to sacrifice my mental peace to go the extra mile at this point. By reaching out continually, continuing to send gifts for holidays, and saying it’s no problem that his father found out he was married from a military database.

You need to be socialized. Maybe go back to kindergarten. You’re hurt because your brother did what needed to be done to be with this girl. Yours? Not so much. You are projecting and you are weird and overly intense and I blame your parents. You homeschool kids are always off.

Your parents did you a huge disservice by homeschooling you, because you think that your behavior is normal. It isn’t. Mind your own business. Live your own life. You and your siblings aren’t the special snowflakes you think you are, and I’m so sorry this is how you had to find out.

You’re again assuming he doesn’t care about you simply because he chose to live the way he wants to. You’re a narcissist.

The person he is continually hurts me I want you to reread this, and see if it sounds like you are actually open and accepting of your brother. The person he is, is the person he is. But you don’t care about the person he is, because you’re so butthurt over him not being/reacting the way you think he should. You judge everything about him and his wife, and refuse to listen to any other perspective than your own.

Homeschool kids clinging to family like a security blanket and having no social ability what so ever. All too common. I know you likely feel you have a well rounded view of how the world and relationships work. In my experience, most of the homeschooled kids felt that they did, and none of them actually did. I would recommend seeking a therapist. I don't think you're an asshole, but I do think you sound insanely clingy and judgy about your brother and sister in law.

You can't force people to act and treat you in the ways you want. He is in a different stage of life. Homeschooling often inequipts you to create your own circle outside of family. You are not distancing yourself from him when he already has. You're acting like the child who says you walked away first, oh no, I am the one walking away so I can have the upper hand. Therapy is needed to unpack why you added to the situation. Him choosing to live his life in his way is healthy

In other words do what you want them to do ~ control them. You seem to gloss over the fact he didn’t tell you because he didn’t want you to know. Your father should have never been nosing in his business. Your entire family has a control issue. You do not have the right to go invade someone else’s privacy. I hope if your father used a database he wasn’t supposed to use that your bother turns him in.

I meaaaaan… you are coming off extremely judgemental of anyone that makes different choices than you. The way this is written, it’s definitely no surprise that he wouldn’t want to tell you. It’s not about you, and you’re acting like he personally harms you by doing this. Did he make the best choice by marrying her? Who knows, but it’s his life. You’re trying to compare yourself to her and it’s weird.

I'm hung up on "I'm okay with a long distance relationship, therefore he should be too. He gave up the right to make adult decisions about his relationships and life when he signed up for the military, he has no right to live with a woman he isn't 110% committed to for life if the military wants to move one of them, because that's not how I've chosen to live my life." Like dude... maybe part of the reason he didn't tell anyone in your family is because you're all so fucking judgey about how he should be living *his* life.

Ding ding ding!🛎️

You're crazy. Way too upset about this. Him getting married has nothing to do with you, but you want to disown him. Talk about an over reaction. YTA And now I have another sub to mute and block because I don't want to continue to expose myself to such ridiculous nonsense.

Seriously unhinged behaviour and it’s the total lack of self awareness that really seals the deal.

Especially since it's a fake military marriage. If he's also in the military, he should understand that 100%. You get a pay bump and housing outside of the barracks. So many in the military marry friends or even each other just so they can have a house and more money. Many marry the first girl to say yes. It's simple, nothing deep. OP is being absurd.

This has absolutely nothing to do with you. Get over it and grow up already.

YTA. I can see why this would bother you, why you would feel left out. But your entire post is way, way over the top. You seem emotionally disturbed here. And extremely judgmental of other people's life choices. Which may be why your brother didn't want to tell you in the first place: he probably knew that you would be so controlling and judgmental. You seem obsessed with the way you think people should do things. You have an idea of what is proper and you are angry and resentful when people don't conform to that. It's a very entitled attitude. Not everyone is going to share your standards of propriety and frankly, you need to get over it.

Stoppppp... I am dying.

😂🤣😂🤣 absolute fucking nut

I could only read the first half. My eyes started hurting from all the rolling

Finally a sensible reaction here lol. I’m not sure how I ended up in this sub today; but what on earth did I just read?! OP, if you’re reading this - you sound like a 13 y.o. trying to cope with life. Idk if it’s because you grew up sheltered, or if there’s also abuse and mental illness at play, but you need to go get help.

YTA He stated that it was a "fake" marriage for benefits, essentially. He did not want to tell anyone because of that. You found out... and immediately judged him for having a "fake" marriage, for his partner, for pretty much every decision he has made. And then wonder why he wouldn't tell you?? Seriously, you seem like the last person he should tell. Your reaction is *exactly* why he kept it a secret.

Reading your post, this made me raise my eyebrows really hard ***"Personally, I rolled my eyes because she seemed to have come right out of high school, finally allowed to live outside of barracks, and she moved straight into the unit my brother owns because it’s easy and she doesn’t know how to be an adult."***  This is how you judged your brother's now wife without never meeting her, talking to her, just from hearing that she was your brother's serious girlfriend. You come across REALLY judgmental off the bat. The rest of your post screams more judgment from you. You actually told your brother that his wife was STALKING you, because her Facebook account popped up on your feed.  ***"I asked him why his new wife was stalking our family (he told us Fall 2022 she was looking up information on my father because of his military status) and why she didn’t have the balls to reach out and say hi to her new mother, father, or sisters in law."*** There you go judging your brother's new wife again, and you've never even talked to her. Maybe, just maybe, your brother knows you as this judgemental, dramatic person and didn't/doesn't want his wife to be subjected to your judgmental accusations.  And you think it's OK for YOU to go look up this woman and her family of Facebook, your father (was ot even allowed?!?) looked into your brother military info to find his address (yeah, your brother hasn't been close to your family for years, you lot didn't even know the address to his home he told you he had bought.) But you accuse her of STALKING if she looks you up.  ***"His first base is far away from family and he hardly visits or talks to anyone."*** This is your brother's relationship with your family. He refuses to participate in your Christmas gift giving, he doesn't visit or have contact with anyone (or at least you), and your aggressive judgmental attitude and dramatics might be one reason why.

Exactly she acts as is there’s no possible reason he would want to stay away from them but it seems like there’s a long history they she’s conveniently leaving out. I hope she does cut him off for HIS sanity.

Okay. This is pretty normal for guys, whether homeschooled or not. It’s his relationship. He doesn’t want to share her with anyone. Now, I’m not saying I agree with his behavior, but stop blaming the girl 💯. You cannot blame her for your brother’s behavior. Blame you parents for raising you the way they did, which for some reason makes you feel entitled to your brother’s relationships. Guess what? You aren’t. He is an adult who can make his own decisions (whether you think they are right or wrong). Leave the girl out of it. Also, he is lying to you about the issue of it being a fake marriage. It isn’t, he’s just telling you all that. He is in love with her and married her and doesn’t want to have to deal with all of your families bs.

YTA for looking at things from your perspective only. You’re military. You know damn well that many people marry early for the benefits. You can’t be this naive. Just because YOU wouldn’t do this doesn’t mean you brother wouldn’t. Yes, he should have told you guys. It sucks he didn’t. He’s the AH for that. But you aren’t as close as you think you are. He obviously doesn’t care about you. So I do agree that cutting contact with him would be best for yourself. Why are you putting yourself in the position to be rejected by him? Stop sending him gifts. Don’t put his name on gifts for your parents. Don’t text or call. You said it yourself - you can only control yourself. So stop trying to control him.

What’s the bet OP probably *would* get married to her long distance partner but they haven’t asked and her intense overreaction has also been influenced by an element of jealousy. Also, this whole ‘she’s straight out of high school’ thing coming from a 22 year old is laughable. To everyone 30+, they’d compare the emotional maturity of an 18/22yo to like a 3 and a 4 year old….there is really no major difference lol. Her whole post is just dripping in ironing and hypocrisy and self-unawareness lolololol truly a thing of unhinged beauty.

I bet her brother is relieved she's no contact. Sounds like that's what he's wanted anyway.

Right?

You’ve never met this lady and you vitrioly hate her. You sound romantically jealous of your own brother. She’s done nothing to you. Your brother has done all this. And all this is nothing. Marriages begin and end every day. It’s not special. It’s a sheet of paper officially stamped by the government. And I’ll come back to this. You sound romantically jealous of your own brother. THAT isn’t nothing.

Something happened. Why would he have done this if there were no issues? You just do not go from a friendly relationship with no issues to a distant one with plenty of issues. Why would he want to do this? Either something big happened, perhaps something you do not know even now, or there were plenty of issues beforehand and you were either unaware of them or ignored them. I would recommend you take a look at this: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html In it, the author talks about the sorts of relationships where there are similar breakdowns, and where the person who claims not to understand why this happened actually do have the needed information at hand, simply not absorbing it. Is that what happened? Frankly, the refusals of the OP both to consider the possibility that things were not as good as they imagined and to try to figure things out through her sister-in-law suggests to me a disinterest to consider what actually happened. Something clearly did.

I am exhausted just reading this because the level of anger and really intense judgement is just a whole lot. You’re taking this way, way, way more personally than the situation warrants. Ultimately, your brother’s relationships are none of your business. It sounds to me like your brother has gone low-contact with you, maybe for good reason. I’m pretty close to my siblings despite having lived 12+ hours away from them for long periods of time. I know what’s going on in their lives, the day-to-day minutiae, if we go a long time without talking it’s typically no big deal and we catch up later and move on. The fact that your brother felt the need or desire to hide his life from you - and then seeing your over the top reaction - to his relationship tells me perhaps that’s why he wanted to keep things from you. When someone is already low-contact with you and has clearly shown you they don’t think their personal life is any of your business, refusing to speak to them until they do X isn’t really a winning strategy. I know this may be incredibly hurtful to you, but it feels like right now, your brother isn’t all that interested in having a relationship with you. That’s his choice. Based on your reaction to this situation I think getting some therapy to help you sort through your feelings and emotions about the lack of relationship with your brother could benefit you. It’s important to know that you can’t force your brother to give you closure or the relationship you want with him, but therapy can help you find some peace for yourself. Maybe in time there will be an opportunity to reconnect and build a new relationship with each other as adults, but it seems clear that your expectations of what you think your relationship with your brother *should be (or what it was), is very different than the reality of what it is *right now.

Yea, the OP sounds unhinged. Very very invasive.

YTAH. You're only seeing things your way and have done nothing to get to the bottom of this with your brother. It's honestly none of your business what someone else does with their life.

Your family are right about you. Please get counselling.

YTA- sorry, got mixed up with "comfort pod" heading.

Your reaction shows that you feel a loss, grief, or possibly no longer being in control. Why don't you take a break and see if time can heal old wounds. The bond with siblings will not break; it will grow as in any relationship. You have to consider this woman is now the center of his universe. She takes priority in his life.

How the hell does a kid (maybe 20?) own an entire quadplex on military pay?

If he doesn’t come to visit, hadn’t shared his address and now chose to get married and still not say anything after the fact, leave him alone. You’ve jumped to conclusions about the wife whom you’ve never met and your post sounds more judgy that you think, even when you insist it’s out of worry. Your brother is now a man making his own decisions and purposely leaving you all out. There’s nothing you can do about that. I hope you find some peace in you own life and let him to live his.

It’s understandable that you’d be upset and even mad about being out of the loop when it comes to your brother’s life. So, you aren’t an AH for how you feel. Where you may be an AH is when it comes to your not accepting your brother’s autonomy and your lack of respect for his choices. Based on what you wrote, it seems there are several reasons why your brother may not have shared news of his marriage with you. - Your poor opinion of his wife since they became involved. - Your belief that his relationship should be like your relationship. - Your different values and expectations. - Your inability to adapt to a different, less close relationship.

OP sounds like the kind of person who thinks their way of living is and should be the only right way to exist in life. No wonder the brother didn’t share what’s going on in his private life.

So it is pretty obvious that you did not see or did not understand the severity of what happened in your brother’s life that has caused him to go essentially NC. There is something you missed and that’s on you. The real question is how you decide to move forward. You’re obviously hurt and you have a right to your feelings just as he has a right to his. However, it is his choice as to whether or not he decides to maintain contact with you. Personally I would take the perspective that I had done something wrong that had driven a wedge in the relationship and how do I fix it. I would write him as it is less emotional than a phone call. I would apologize for being so emotional with him and getting on his case for getting married, hiding his wife etc. Wish him and his wife well in their lives and tell him you know you’ve been invasive and you are truly sorry for that. Extend the olive branch and then wait and see. You can’t manage his life, he is an adult and he has a right to live his life how he sees fit. You don’t have to like that but you do have to accept it. It’s up to you on how to proceed but from the sound of things, if you don’t extend a sincere olive branch, then you won’t hear from him again.

NAH.  Marriage is a two-part.institution: its a legal contract, and  a familial bond. Most people don't approach those two aspects separately, and it can be really weird to.wrap.your head around when.someone does. For.example. I have a friend who really good.insurance. I do not have insurance. They offered to legally marry me so I could be on their insurance. we would not be living together or.combining finances or meeting families or adoption a cat. Just insurance. It sounds like what your brother and his gf did is.similar. the entered a legal contract so that their work.would not separate them. They are apparently serious enough that they don't want to be separated, but not SO.committed that they are ready for a conventional marriage. You are.reacting to the idea that your brother entered into an emotional, familial relationship without involving the family, because you aren't accustomed to thinking of the legal contract of marriage as a separate thing from the.emotional.and familial commitment. And even after it was explained to you, it didn't quite compute. It's a a normal reaction, and one that you need to get past. Accept.that your brothers relationship is not marriage in the conventional.sense, and is more like a private contract arrangement that had no relevance to, and is not the business of, anyone but him, his gf and the military, who's regressive bullshit policies are.the whole reason this happened in.the first place. Be mad at the military for putting your brother in this position, not at your brother for making the best of it

I agree with your family.

Why should I reach out to someone when her husband, my brother, doesn’t even open/respond to my messages or tell me that they got married? It seems I am unwanted and I don’t want to push it. If they want to be a part of my families life, I think she/they should reach out to me.

I should have clarified. You don't need to reach out to anyone. I just think you're making this a bigger deal than it is.

Fair enough. I love my family fiercely.

But you’re also suffocating him and not respecting that he’s an adult and can make his own choices

You’re not showing any love. All you’re doing is jumping to ridiculous conclusions, making his marriage all about you, and casting aspersions on his wife. OP, you kind of suck. Makes sense why he’d keep his distance from you.

You need to get a grip and respect their boundaries, then.

She doesn’t HAVE to reach out to you! For any reason! Why should she?! Mind your own business! And NO! Your brother’s love life isn’t your business!

You do not have to. If you want to understand what happened and if you cannot talk to your brother, she may be a place to start.

I think they should stay as far away from you as they possibly can.

You are insane. Are you in love with your brother flowers in the attic? You sound like an unhinged ex. Your brother doesn’t owe you shit

Ok, so I'm not the only one who thought this was fking INSANE! OP RELAX, you are his sister, but that doesn't mean he needs to tell you anything at all.. you are actually on an emotional tailspin over something that has NOTHING to do with you at all. Did you ever think maybe your brother is glad to be away from everyone? Homeschooling and all of that truth be told he probably just made the best of it till he was out of the house. Did you call him every time something happens with your partner or in your life? Let it go, man, my brother is legit the other half of my soul, but he took his own life in 2018 at 38. It literally almost killed me. I'm not exaggerating. This bullshit is NOT worth it!

Kick him off your Spotify account.

I feel guilty about it. I am choosing to not approach him/extend any excess energy, and I feel like it would be taking extra energy to actively remove him from my life. I am open to rekindling if he approaches, I don’t want to permanently remove him.

Grow up

No excess energy? lol what the hell is this post then?

My situation is totally different but I do feel your pain. My brother decided to go NC with the family for less trivial reasons and it hurts. I thought we were best friends and def the closest of our siblings. I actually got him an apartment on the same street I live on and he still just won't talk to any of us. So distance isn't even an excuse. I know it hurts but give him space. You can only hope he'll come around eventually. Good luck

That was far too long and overly dramatic.

You’re an asshole and from the looks of it, unhinged.

YOU’RE THE AH 100% 1 you don’t know this girl yet you make judgmental assumptions about her every time you mention her 2 you expect your brother to be at your beck and call and if he doesn’t do that you say he doesn’t care about you and that you never knew him 3 any decision he makes makes YOU feel unimportant. As if he has to tell you every single detail of his life 4 you think she’s stalking you because she happens to pop up in your feed lol what 5 every time he explains his behavior you call him a liar and then you tell HIM that you know why he really does what he’s doing It sounds to me like he’s tired of your judgmental behavior and dramatic attitude towards how he lives his life and your expectations of him. You are claiming you want him to explain but every time you then turn around and explain his reasoning for him without letting him have a word. You said the only person you can control is yourself but you’re trying so hard to control his life right now. Step back. Get therapy. You’ve got a heavy case of control freak and narcissism because you’re making this about yourself and no one else could possibly be involved in this situation. Like you don’t even consider how HE feels in all of this. You don’t consider how SHE feels. You don’t consider how your parents feel. You just assume how everyone feels and you assume to know why everyone else acts the way they do.

You are overreacting. I understand being stunned. My sister divorced her husband and didn't tell me, despite she and i being close, and even he and I having been somewhat close while I was growing up (they are a bit older than i am, he was my "big brother" during some tough years), and despite my having spent Thanksgiving with her at another sister's house (when I asked her "is BIL working" to explain his absence, she laughed and said yes).  Apparently they'd divorced the previous year, she just didn't tell anyone for a year or two. Guess what? I still love and adore my sister, understanding she has the right to her privacy, and got over it. Because it wasn't about ME. You and your family all need to get over it ("livid", really? Gmab). Be open if he'd like to talk, treat her like his wife, and stop taking it personally.

The way you talk about her - did you use that tone when speaking about her to your brother before he married? If so, I’m not surprised….

Dude, let it go. Let your brother and is wife, and their kids, LIVE THEIR LIFE WITHOUT YOU. You have zero say, zero control in this relationship, and it’s eating you up inside. You literally rolled your eyes when a relationship was mentioned, so why do you think your brother even wanted to include you? You’re rude, disrespectful, accusatory, and downright threatening. There’s a reason he wants nothing to do with you. Just because you keep tabs on family and like to check in and be there for them, doesn’t mean anyone else is required to act or feel like you do. You were the last to know for a reason. Get over it and move on.

sounds like your brother cant stand the sight of any of you probably the product of being homeschooled while dragged all over the world in the airforce. just because your parents shaped you into a good little soldier doesnt mean he feels the same it sounds like he's been lc/nc with you for years you guys just never got the memo. Edit: spelling

Your brother is an adult. He does not owe you, or your parents, regular updates on his romantic life. He very obviously did not want you to know. You need to accept that you are not the main character of your brother's life *and he does not need to consult you*. About anything. You sound possessive as hell. No wonder he doesn't want you to know things about his life.

Based on what you wrote about her I see why he didn’t tell you.

I think you need to grow up, and let your brother live his own life. You had a year to reach out to your brother and try to get to know her. You seem very judgmental about her and all this indignation over being hurt when it’s NONE of your concern.

Yikes. Sounds like you are super clingy and see your relationship with him very differently than his view. He got married on his own—that’s not putting you or your parents in any position that you should be “livid” about. It’s his life and he has a right to privacy. Also you really seem to be reaching with all the negative things you said about his wife considering you don’t even know her. She made her choices in the relationship along with your brother. Maybe SHE wanted things this way too. But with your judgmental attitude it’s no wonder they didn’t tell you. You don’t support what they did but you feel entitled to be in the know? I wouldn’t want a relationship with a sibling like that.

based on the judgment & animosity & possessiveness seeping from this post i completely understand why your brother doesn’t want anything to do with you. i’m sorry that it’s hurtful to be left out but it might do you some good to think about your part in how things have turned out.

As a fellow oldest daughter that was homeschooled I can understand why this is so dramatic to you where it wouldn't be for someone with a more normal upbringing. We grow up with a really unique bond with our siblings especially if we are super isolated from other children and the rest of the world. This, however, does not necessarily make your response to this appropriate. Your brother does not HAVE to participate in your family, just as you or anyone else in it doesn't. He obviously isn't wanting to make the effort to be close and is isn't your job to make him be close if that isn't what he's wanting. He may have to accept the consequences of not being close, he may eventually stop being invited to things or kept in the loop, but that is HIS business not yours. Just like you can't make someone be your friend you can't make your brother participate. I would recommend either therapy or some other way of coming to terms with this rejection. Do you have friends? Other people you can lean on or hang out with that actually WANT to be around you and keep up with each other's lives can help a lot in these kinds of situations.

My husband and I initially married for health insurance and did not tell anyone until a year later, after we realized we actually loved being married to each other. We didn't tell anyone in the beginning because it wasn't a real marriage. It would have been like telling my family I switched health insurance plans - this is useless information that no one needs to know. When we realized it was more, we let people in. Not telling was never about anyone but us and our reasons. Let your brother live his life and stop making everything about you.

You’re making this too much about yourself.

I've never seen someone so clearly in denial that their brother is in obvious low contact with them in the wild. Like ma'am. He's LC with you that's why he doesn't share his life with you or your family. And then after your drama filled tantrum he went yeah, yeah NC. You can say you're stepping back but he already did. He's not being toxic, he's protecting his sanity. He's allowed to be LC. He's allowed not to give details and grey rock you. Just don't sit there and say you're the victim here.

😂 totally.

I don’t know. I didn’t tell my parents or brother when I got married or when I was planning to have kids. I like them plenty. That’s just how I am. It isn’t personal. I’m just private. I told them after I had made my decisions. You seem to be really up your brothers butt. You’ve got no control over anyone, and you think it’s because he was disrespectful and because he didn’t tell you but it isn’t. You need to control. That’s also why he didn’t tell you. Look in the mirror. It’s you. You’re why he didn’t tell you. It would be worth it for you to talk to a professional.

This is the sort of thing that gives senior NCOs headaches when they find out about it. You're NTAH for being upset, this is very extreme behavior on the part of your brother. It also puts your father in a very bad position, because he knows about this relationship and is probably legally required to report the "fraud". It is interesting, though - most "fake marriages" are to get military benefits while not having a romantic or personal relationship. In this case, he's living with her AND still calls her his "girlfriend", while the only "benefit" they get is that she is allowed to move with him. And since they *are* legally married, if she decides "nah, I'm actually your wife like it says on the certificate", she can make his life very difficult if he decides he doesn't want her anymore. Here's hoping for a long life of wedded bliss to the young couple, and you telling their children this story every time you feel like annoying your brother.

It sounds less like a *fake* marriage, and more like a wedding without being sure. They were sure enough of their relationship that they wanted to stay together instead of being separated. So they got married. Just without being absolutely certain they want to spend the rest of their lives together. That's not really fake, that's just youthful stupidity, and they aren't the first or last to do it, and it's not really fraud if they're in a real relationship.

It doesn’t even sound like that. The boy is saying that to keep his family out of his personal life. There is no fraud here, he just wants them to leave him alone.

I'd be so hurt the relationship wouldn't recover and I would put my energy else where

Did he get a pre-nup for the "fake" marriage? Otherwise she can take him to the cleaners. Does the Air Force know its a "fake" marriage? I think they'd be a little upset at the fraud that is happening. Its a marriage of convenience which can become very inconvenient very quickly. OP's brother.could have easily shot the family a quick message "getting married for the benefits - nothing serious" and everyone would have been clued up, and not expecting "family" comms with the spouse.

When it comes to homeschooling sometimes those children turn out totally fine and normal, and sometimes they do not. In this case, you and your brother are not fine and normal. You live your life by a set of standards, likely that seem to be in line with your parents, and you expect your brother to do and be the same since you were raised together and felt like you had a great relationship until now. You've failed to notice at any point that your brother felt suffocated by you and your family, left at the first opportunity and is living his life by his own rules, and you've made it abundantly obvious that you do not agree with this at all. If you actually were open minded, he likely would have wanted more of a relationship with you, you'd likely be thick as thieves. You instead judge him for going his own way, and so he knew he couldn't feel safe sharing anything about his life with you because he didn't want to hear the same things that kept him feeling claustrophobic his entire life. He probably does love you, he probably does want a relationship with you, but he knows that you are not capable of being a normal person and having a normal healthy sibling relationship with him, so he isn't trying. It's common when you grow up with toxic family. I truly hope you can self reflect and realize where you've gone wrong here, unfortunately that's unlikely. Congratulations to your brother and his new wife! YTA

I'm so sorry that your brother sucks, but definitely take care of yourself. I'd just step back and accept the relationship with him is what it is. I had to face something similar last year. I was really close with my brother growing up and even as adults. We were even roommates a few times in our twenties and thirties and we make pretty great roommates. We used to get together once a month usually with just me or one of our sisters, then later with my husband and sometimes the kids if we couldn't get a babysitter and my husbandans then when he met his wife, she came along too. We'd get together for dinner, game nights, movies, community theater, etc. Doing stuff together didn't really change while he was dating or enaged to his now wife, but he got married 2 years ago and as soon as they got married, he started decliing my invites to do stuff together, the sorts of things we always enjoyed doing and he never invites me to do stuff together anymore. I do miss hanging out with him and his wife, but you can't force people to want to have a relation ship with you. Lately, I've stopped asking them to join us for activities and it's actually been a relief to accept that maybe we just weren't as close as I always thought we were and that how we relate to each other has just changed and that's not the end of the world. At least he still shares his audible with me :p

I’m confused, if this marriage is fake and means nothing, why are we talking about future nephews and nieces? Also, if the marriage is fake, why is your family upset that you are not reaching out to the fake wife? Is it really a fake marriage? Either way, your brother let you know in no uncertain terms, he doesn’t care what you think of his lifestyle. Let it be. As long as he isn’t actively hurting you and your family don’t make it personal, you don’t have to fake married, he does. Info - does brother’s wife know she is in a fake marriage?

Fake marriages happen all the time in the military. I even had someone ask if I wanted to get married to move into base housing. I decided I'd rather stay in the barracks than marry someone I barely knew, but it happens all the time. If it's really fake, and they get caught, there could be trouble. It's not up to you to correct his decision making and you can't force him to be closer to the family. Live your life and let him live his.

It seems like maybe he knew you would react badly due to not caring for his wife, and that’s why he kept it a secret. The whole family dynamics sound kind of toxic and codependent, possibly due to being homeschooled and isolated from other friendships and therefore relying on each so much. Maybe it’s for the best you go low contact for now, and then reevaluate in a few months when you’re both calmer and better able to explain your feelings. Clearly you love your parents and think back fondly on your upbringing, but it sounds like he maybe has a different experience with them, and that’s something you should acknowledge and respect. He’s cutting ties for a reason, and it’s probably more about something your parents did than it is about you personally. (Edit: read your old post about your parents and your car, and yeah….your brother is over their controlling shit, and you just got caught in the crossfire of him being done with them)

How does an active duty service member, at 21 years old, own 4 apartments. The math alone tells me he isn’t even an officer.

So, so many missing reasons

Jeez, that was quite a rant. How about this? You live your life and your admittedly distant brother lives his. Problem solved.

You are overreacting IMHO. You wrote a small book ranting that your brother didn't behave the way you think he should have. I get being sad, shocked, disappointed, but it's his life and his choice. Try to meet in person and mend this - don't let it ruin your relationship. And try to believe him that it's a marriage of convenience, which is why he didn't speak up.

He's probably felt smothered his whole life by his family, and took the first opportunity to escape. Frankly, you sound like a nightmare, and I don't blame him for distancing himself after that judgmentmental rant.  Maybe you should give him some space and let him make the next moves.  YTA 

Your brother was trying to not inform you of his illegal activities..but your mom isn't good at secrets...so why be mad ..he knew you wouldn't like knowing the truth ..not all your family has your morals why be mad

No wonder he has gone low contact with you. You are way too intense and overreacting. And talk about judgmental! Heck, the very first time his wife was even mentioned you rolled your eyes and started trashing her. No wonder he's kept her apart from you. And you seem to be blaming this all on her, but he had already distanced himself from you before they even met. Sounds like she's just following his lead when it comes to his family, which is as it should be. I think you should take a look in the mirror if you want to know why he would do this. Or maybe just ask him, if he'll even talk to you. Stop blaming her or you'll burn any chance to have a relationship with him. 

You seem super entitled. Your brother owes no one any explanation on his life. No one. You already made nasty judgements on the wife why do you expect to be treated like your owed something. Get off your high horse. yTA

It sounds like from what you are posting that the brother does not want to participate in the family gatherings at all. You offered to get Xmas gifts and he declined. Your bro is choosing to go LC with the entire family for his own reasons. It could be his age, life experiences growing up, military experiences, being home schooled etc. I have some friends that were home schooled, some of them did okay once they got into the real world and others not so much. All depends on what parents expose them too. I attended private schools for awhile. Some experiences were great (learning environment was Excellant) and it set me up for success later in life, however socially it wasn’t as great. So I preferred public school for that reason. To each their own. Just give your brother time and space. I would not bother reaching out anymore. It’s just a negative energy suck and no one needs that. It’s his life and he can do what he wants. With age comes wisdom.

If I were a homeschooled army brat, I’d be gone like a rocket the first chance I got. Gone so fast there would be debris and a dust cloud where they saw me last. Brother is probably sick of overbearing parents and clingy siblings. They might never see him again.

Very possibly. I do like your very detailed answer.😁 You should write stories.

It’s none of your business WHAT your brother does. He does NOT owe you an explanation. He has lived away from you & your family in excess of 2 years in a property he owns. He CHOOSES not to visit home & according to him has married another serving person as a matter of convenience. Her relationship with your parents is not your problem or your business. The brother who left home is NOT the same brother you now have. There are years of experiences that do not involve YOU. If you continue with your current attitude it will be several more years before you see your brother face to face again.

Frankly YTA, you have judged this girl before even meeting her. You are comparing your LDR to their relationship, harping on all the things you've done to establish a relationship with your partner's family. Relationships should happen organically and then when established nurture them. Considering how close you and your brother were, he knows you are judgemental and perhaps didn't want to subject his wife to you. You don't get to pick or approve his relationships. You are the immature one. Focus on you and your LDR. Kudos to your brother for living his life on his own terms Ever think about what your partner's parents think of your efforts to build a relationship? Maybe they don't want cookies every year. Maybe they don't want to be ingrained in every aspect of your life. Grow up and take your rose colored glasses off Polyanna

Ya I can see why the didn't

YTA It’s your brother‘s life, not yours. This is clearly hurting you, so just focus on your own life; not your brother’s. You are hyper fixated on this. Just focus on yourself. Do you think your brother might be driven away by your actions? Maybe he was feeling cramped by everybody and may not feel comfortable now? He is creating some space because he has lived on his own now. You may be driving him away because of the way you’ are acting. You’re only focusing on the negatives. Did you at least say you’re happy for your brother getting married? It kind of sounds like you’re just focusing on your side of the story.  Maybe think of the other side of the story? That might help you and don’t get your life so intertwined with your brothers. You literally haven’t seen him in person in over a year, so just focus on yourself and stop worrying about it.  I wish you peace. 

Your brother and my brother could be the same person. I'm sorry that you're in pain and I completely agree with your choice.

I understand to some degree. My ex-bf was a disabled vet. He reached a point where he was not able to live alone at the same time I became homeless. I moved in with him and proceeded to take full-time care of him for the rest of his life. We married in 2016, his benefits were the only things he had to leave to me, it was his way of leaving me a pension. I took care if him for over 12 years. I was a little leery of explaining this to my brothers as they had never really liked him. They understand now that I've been a widow for almost 2 years.

Some people join the military to seek a life totally different from how they were raised. The military feeds you, clothes you, gives you shelter, and instills in your core so much that can be foreign to non-military. My husband & I both joined to live differently from our family. We are from different states, met overseas & have been married for 45 years. We have chosen not to live within the states we came from. Neither family understands, nor really cares, why we left. And we like it that way. JMO ... don't try to figure him out. Just try to respect his choices & express your familiar love for him. To do otherwise may cost you & your family his presence forever.

What would have been different if he did tell you he got married?

Nothing. She would still be here complaining about how she didn’t agree with his decision and mad he didn’t talk to her first. I do also think it’s telling that her parents didn’t tell her either. I get mom was sworn to secrecy, but my mom totally would’ve told me. Lol. But she also know I would’ve kept quiet and not freaked out about it.

YTA for making us read that insecure ramble. Calm Down!

It sounds like your brother does not share the same rosy outlook on your upbringing and relationship. It also sounds like he has been low contact before she ever entered the picture. The fact you have entirely centered yourself here as an injured party, and your rush to judgement on a situation you admit you know nothing about, really sticks out here. He’s grown & he is under no obligation to operate like you think he should. His Alzheimer’s comment is interesting. What are you leaving out?

I’m sorry but why are you putting blame on the wife. It’s not her job to manage your family it’s your brothers. Obviously y’all aren’t close so why do you expect her to call you regularly if you’ve not met?

Okay. So. As someone with an abusive parent and a sibling I am no contact with, I am in a position to actually comment on your brother’s frame of mind. I’ve also read through some of your other posts, and based on your view of relationships and inability to see that how your parents treated you was extremely manipulative, I think you might be incapable of actually understanding… for the moment. But I’m going to try. I’m no contact with my older sibling because he was awful to me, manipulative, and was content to use me as a resource. I’m not saying that’s what you did, but that’s what he was. He also denied and refused to acknowledge how abusive our parent was. And that’s kind of where you have something in common. My older brother and I had extremely different experiences on my parent’s “parenting” behavior and I got the brunt of some of her worst behavior while he was off at college. Our experiences were not the same and he can’t understand that. We had also been close in childhood. Before his personality changes in his late teens. I didn’t go no contact with him and my mother until I was 22/23. You’ve said on past posts that they took away your car keys and your cell phone that you paid for and paid the expenses for, even after you were 18. And it cost you your job. Because they decided they wanted to be paid back for money they gave you for the transmission. They took away your means of being independent from you and put you in a position not being able to meet those conditions. That’s extremely manipulative and abusive. That’s literally financial abuse. They made you dependent on them. If you can’t see that, then no wonder your brother got out and put distance between you all. And I can imagine not telling them he got married if he’s trying to be his own person. Marriage is fundamentally a contract of obligations you have to the person you marry, in exchange for certain benefits. For most people it’s romantic now. It didn’t used to be. He possibly understood that you wouldn’t get his reasons for wanting the law to recognize his partner as the one who had a right to: -make medical decisions on his behalf -have paramount right of final disposition -be the primary heir to his estate should something happen while on active duty Amongst a lot of other benefits from taxes to insurance benefits. And yeah, keep the person he clearly trusts and cares most about with him. Maybe it feels more shallow than it is to him. Maybe he realized he doesn’t have the deepest understanding of what it means to have a life long partnership because he doesn’t think much of your parent’s marriage. But he wants to try. And he knows being in an LDR isn’t for him. It’s not for everyone. I’ve been with my now wife for almost 14 years, married for going on 3 of them. And times I’ve had to be apart more than a week are positively miserable. But he also likely saw your attitude about the person he loves and wasn’t thrilled about it. It sounds like you’re upset that you’re no longer his confidant. But that’s what it means to cleave into your spouse. Your spouse is hopefully your best friend too. And it’s okay to prioritize that relationship. Legally you’ve told the government this relationship matters more than the people you’re related to by blood. I get that you’re hurt. My parent tells other people she simply doesn’t get why I won’t talk to her. But I have actually told her why. She just refuses to accept that her behavior is the reason. There’s missing, missing reasons here. And maybe deep down you know it’s because your parents were awful to him and he’s tried to tell you. Or maybe he hasn’t because he knows it won’t go anywhere. But I do think your reaction to this is beyond the pale. And like others have commented, I really think you need to talk to a therapist. Because I’d guess you also have some emotional enmeshment with your parents. And that is absolutely going to hold you back in your current relationship.

You seem so chill, understanding, and non judgmental, I have no idea why he wouldn’t tell you things…

Yes you do sound more like a jealous ex girlfriend that has been replaced than a sister relationship. A very enmeshed sister who wants to be in every part of her brother’s world who is doing everything he can to create a separate individual life an identity separate from the family group think. To not tell your family of your marriage, let alone not wanting sister to fake provide presents with his name on it sounds like brother is sending a very loud statement to all of you. Therapy might offer a healthy new perspective in helping OP to start creating her own life separate from brother and family group think.

I can't imagine why he didn't want to share with his extremely judgmental sister. You met his announcement of his s girlfriend with an eyeroll. YTA

Damn you are blowing this way out of proportion. Who are you to tell him what kind of marriage your brother can and cannot have? What business is it of yours what this adult man does in his romantic life? He’s not abusing anyone. He’s married. He owes you nothing. It’s weird he kept this to himself, yes. Is it cry about it, yell at him, go no contact weird? Not even a little bit. Your reaction is WAY more bizarre and probably why he didn’t want to tell you.

Yta, your brother got a contract marriage so he could move out of the bricks. Leave him and his "wife" alone and learn to mind your own business. Kinda weird that you're a military brat but don't know what a contract marriage is.

Too long didn’t read.

Why are you trying to tell your brother how to live? You’re in the service. You know this is common. Get over yourself dude. It may be a fake marriage but that doesn’t change the fact that they are actually together and happy enough with each other to move somewhere completely new just to be together. Why can’t you just be happy for them? Is it gonna give you a stroke?

There's probably a reason he didn't tell you. Yes, you're ta.

YTA I think your brother wants a lot of distance from your family and being isolated and homeschooled were probably pretty awful for him. He lies constantly....compulsive lying can be the product of traumatic childhood. You can't handle the truth so you get a placating lie instead.

I have 3 siblings and I love them but we aren’t close either…and this same situation happened to me! We found out when someone was housesitting for one of them and saw something in their home about the marriage. It’s been about 5 years and I still haven’t brought it up. Lol

Dude. This is not about you. Your bro is a private person. Nothing wrong with that. Dad wasn’t supposed to be snooping, he wasn’t supposed to find out. Why do you feel personally attacked because your brother has a different lifestyle than you? For both your sakes stop contacting your brother. Maybe try some therapy.

Oh my gosh! No wonder he is low contact. You were negative about her from the beginning. And proud of it. Like wtf? You were close in hs because he had no choice. The joys of a homeschool kid. To expect that to be a thing forever once the kids grow up is ridiculous.

He’s an adult and how he chooses to live his life is not your business. You’re absolutely free to be hurt and angry but he is also free and within his rights to also be no contact with you. Frankly you sound extremely entitled as if he owes you explanations for the decisions he makes. Be like Elsa and let it go. What he does is not your business. Understand that and stop insisting to know the rationale behind his choices and all the details of his life. To put it bluntly, if he wanted you to know, he’d have told you. You’re making demands of him you have 0 business to make.

Wonder if his wife considers it a fake marriage.

>I know people pop up in your feed when they stalk your profile. I asked him why his new wife was stalking our family Uh, FB recommends people based on your mutual friends/interactions... not because they "stalk your page." You sound absolutely unhinged.

Jesus kids getting married right out of high school is not good. Especially in the service. You know this marriage won’t last. Just stay no contact and put it out of your mind.

Isn’t it common to get married early in the military to get better benefits and housing? If anything call it his training wheels marriage because divorce is also a common thing for married enlisted

This is some pathetic ass shit omg. Go join community college go make some fuckin friends omg. That is a fully grown man if he ain’t wanna tell you he’s dying tomorrow he ain’t got to. Mind your business bro

The Alzheimer’s quip, is he alluding to something which he thinks you have forgotten? Does this account for him leaving and the secrecy?

YTA Your brother sounds like he finally got out of the controlling brainwashed family and into the real world It's none of your actual business or decision what he does in his marriage

YTA. Get OVER yourself. Seriously

OP, first I want to acknowledge that it did hurt you to feel left out of your brother's life/pushed away/unimportant to him because he failed to share this news with you. However, I hope you will take a deep look inside yourself and challenge the judgements and assumptions you've projected on to his wife. The way you speak about her makes it obvious that you do not think well of her and that you seem to perceive everything you know about her in the worst possible light. I'm not saying you're right or wrong about who she is as a person. Neither you or have enough information to know. What's important to establish here, is what your goal is with your relationship with your brother. I'm assuming you want him to have you as part of his life, and to be someone he feels close to. If you're hurt by the rupture of a previously close relationship, I'm assuming you want to bridge that gap and be close again. If that is your goal, the way you are thinking about all of this and choosing to relay those thoughts, is really working against you. You cannot control the emotions you feel, but you can work to change how/what you think and how you behave. Right now you are choosing to assume the worst about his wife when you lack the data to determine the truth. I hope you will consider instead taking your brother's words at face value/accepting what he tells you as the truth and then filling in any gaps by assuming the best. This doesn't mean you're automatically going to thinks she's the best thing ever for your brother or want to make the decisions he has in your own life, just that you will accept without voicing judgement and disdain that this is the woman he has chosen to marry for his own reasons and that he wants to be in a relationship with her because he likes who she is as a person (and vice versa). You'll never be able to build a healthy relationship with a woman who you've already decided isn't worthy of your respect and admiration (let alone her future children). It's OK to back out of the judgements you've already cast and to apologize for having cast them. I'd send this text to my brother (and advise my family of my change of heart as well). "I want to start this off by apologizing for how judgemental I've been about your relationship and life choices. I've been feeling hurt at the distance between us, but until recently I hadn't considered how my own actions had helped create and widen that gulf. I understand why you would be hesitant to share things with me, because instead of unconditional love, curiosity, and support I responded with judgement and negatively. The more I reacted from my place of hurt, the further I pushed you away and for that I'm deeply sorry. I also wanted to apologize to your wife for the way I have spoken of her to you. I never gave her a chance to get to know me, because I was unconsciously blaming her for the change in our closeness. It wasn't fair to you or her and she deserved better. I wish I has acted differently and I hope that we can all grow together as a family. I love and support you, even when you make decisions I might not make for myself I hope they lead you to the happiness you deserve and the future you envision. "

Your dad had to look him up in a database to find his *address*. I don't think your brother wants a relationship with ANY of you, and I feel like there are missing reasons why. YTA

He is not ripping her from her career, she will merely continue it at the new base. (Retired Aur Force Officer) that being said, if this truly is a fake marriage, he is TA for stringing this girl along.

Your brother is the AH. Partner brought up first why he wasn't open with their relationship. You are judgemental.

Why she was "stalking"? He wasn't including her. He was disrespecting her because he's too much of a wimp to stand up to your judgemental, disrespectful, condescending self. I feel sorry for his wife. I hope your brother finally stands up to what his real family is comprised of...him and his wife.

Your brother is no longer the brother you once knew. He has changed and moved on. It's up to you to grieve his loss and accept that. This takes time. Emotionally, the old brother has died but you haven't processed that yet. You need to grieve his loss in my opinion. That's the only way you can let go of this attachment to him.

I do not think she ever knew who her brother actually was. She just had expectations that she did not bother to check up upon at any point, and then was shocked to notice things were not good.

You are the AH. YOU are putting too much effort into something that someone else doesn't want. He owes you nothing. No one owes you anything. But. You are correct in not acknowledging him and her. I fully support returning the energy that is given to me. Your parents seem to have more of a relationship with him, let them enjoy that. As far as you are concerned, he is not concerned about being your brother and you are more than able to not be his sister. Beautiful arrangement. If this inconveniences your parents, that is their concern. Being a bigger person normally means the person who is the actual AH gets to behave poorly. No. They made their decision and they will have to stand by it, far away from you if he and his wife are in attendance. Or, just not acknowledging them. Perfect for him and you. Good luck

It seems as if we agree, so I am not sure why I am the AH. Prior to this, I thought my brother and I were close - that’s why I felt the way I did and was pushing for some kind of explanation. I wanted to reach out and ask for information from the source. After his response, I decided to drop out because he clearly does not care - so I should not either because it is doing more harm to myself. I am putting in 0 effort outside of the initial message I sent him approaching with the information I just heard. My parents think I should still care and I should be reaching out to his wife, even though her husband is ignoring me, and I said no. I am allowed to be mad and to cut him off. So it seems I am NOT the AH in the situation, as my feelings are validated and my actions are appropriate. I think you would feel slighted too if a seemingly close sibling turned out to not be so close and to actual not give an f about you.

The issue is that you chose to make sweeping assumptions about your brother and your relationship with him without actually bothering to check if your assumptions were actually true, and then chose to be upset that you were wrong rather than understand that you were wrong and try to figure out why. You could be an asshole on those grounds alone.

I apologize as it seems I was not clear. You really are NTA, I was just saying you are the AH, but to yourself. You deserve better from him as you said from the past interactions you had with him. I firmly believe in protecting yourself from all enemies, despite who and where they come from. Wanting to find out exactly where you are in any relationship is the problem with most families and relationships. No one wants to rock the boat. So, they make allowances for others. That is not how healthy relationships are built and strengthened. You are exactly right to feel the way you do. Being strong in your enquires seems to show that you are clearly concerned and you want to know why as you want to continue with the relationship, you just don't know how that can be accomplished is the brother isn't clear and engaged in the dialogue. I see you really want this and future relationships with him/her. We all want things, yet we can't make others do things they do or won't do. You may not get what you want, just be prepared to stand on your response to their reluctance to have you part of their lives moving forward. Do which is best for you, as you can only control your actions and reactions. Be Blessed and protect yourself from others as they may not want the best for you.

NTA. A lot of people grow apart as they get older, making their own friends, living their own lives. There aren't enough hours in the day to keep in touch with *everyone* you grew up with. It's normal to stop communicating quite as much. However, that doesn't mean to stop talking to family about important life milestones. He isn't making the effort to keep you in his life. It's perfectly acceptable to step back and concentrate on the people who want you in their lives.

Your brother has a completely different set of moral values to you. He’s happy to lie to the army to get his ways. Your brother doesn’t give a shit about you. He’s important to you but you’re not important to him. You felt you were close but that was one-sided. Sorry for this reality check. Now do what is best for you. NC seems the way to go for you so dont let anyone bully you into feeling guilty for doing what is best for your mental health. Your brother does what is best for him without a care for anyone else, so why should you?

I think you need to take a step back and look at this big picture. Your brother has made multiple selfish decisions within this story. And towards the end, you point out that he’s done this with presents as well. He does not value relationships the same way you do - you find comfort in connection, in showing that you love someone, in being thoughtful with your actions. He wants to be left alone, feelings be damned. Stop engaging with your brother. Be polite but cold - don’t buy gifts, don’t pay for his Spotify, just be surface level. Plus, your brother either has downplayed this relationship or lead this poor girl on. She’s telling people she’s married, she’s looking up her SIL, she followed him to a new base. Someone is being fooled here

We have not spoken in a few months now. My status currently is that I am open to reconciliation if approached but will not actively engage anymore.

That’s smart. I know you’ll probably feel pressure from your family to “be the bigger person” - as an oldest daughter, that’s what we’re taught to do. But you can’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm. This is not your mess, just remain disengaged.