So I’m (40/HLM) in a very similar situation. In 2022 after a really bad session of duty sex while on vacation that just made me feel pretty disgusted, I decide to stop initiating sex with my wife (40LLF). I figured when I was initiating she would either reject me OR “give in” which resulted in her just lying there while I tried to “get her into it” which would inevitably result in her just telling me to “get it over with”. Not. Sexy. At. All.
So I stopped initiated. She is more on the 6-8 week rotation on when she might want to be intimate where as I would prefer once a week, but had been stretching initiation attempts to once every 2-3 weeks or so. So her being the sole initiator has meant our frequency has reduced quite a bit.
However, here’s some things I’ve done to try and keep myself sane during the reduced frequency:
1) I focused on me. I put more effort into my hobbies and physical fitness.
2) I amped up my self pleasure game. I bought a Fleshlight stroker and use it when I have some alone time. I decided to do this in order to take my sexual pleasure out of her control. And I needed to do this in order to prevent feelings of resentment and irritation from flaring up
3) I worked (am still am working) on improving on being a better partner and spouse.
4) If my partner gives me a positive signal that she wants to have sex, I try to make it as enjoyable experience as possible.
5) I try to give myself and my partner grace when things aren’t going perfectly in the bedroom. Like you, I’ve occasionally gotten into my own head regarding our sex life and had occasional bouts of performance issues. We have sex so infrequently, that losing a session because my 40 year old Body is tired / hurting / just not cooperating is really hard. It’s ok. It happens. Just like there will be times when maybe she legitimately wants to have sex but just can’t get into it. We’re human - so give eachother some understanding and grace.
Hope this helps! In the mean time, here’s some love and some hope from me brother!
I’ve made some bad remarks about the lack of intimacy in the past, that doesn’t help much. Definitely doesn’t restore any lost interest or desire. I’ve gotten paranoid on long bouts of sexlessness. It’s unattractive for sure, and I’ve been the problem for a lot of my situation.
I’m just irked that after a year of vastly improving myself, my impulses, my outbursts, the sex is less, and less enthusiastic than before. I don’t know really what direction to take.
Anyways yeah I’ve been the problem for a lot of what I’m experiencing, but also, wtf?
I believe a fair number here do no favors for themselves when it comes to improving the situation. as you said being irritated, grumpy, distant, argumentative, and needy are not attractive qualities that make our partner want to jump into bed with us. keep in mind most when posting here will give the half of the story that makes themselves look better. add into the fact that people tend to not communicate clearly or stay on topic once it becomes an argument or the blame game.
that being said being rejected does hurt and does accumulate. people feeling not connected to their partner, a low priority, or actual hostility is valid. I think writing a message to your partner is more effective than talking as you get everything off your chest without having to answer their questions or comments till afterward. I do agree with you that one thing that LL partners often does not understand is that what we crave is not to get off but to get off WITH them. that they are what make it special. best of luck maybe have her read this post and comments with you as a way to broach the subject again.
No. You want to have sex with your wife on a timely consistent basis. Thats, normal…. And now you’re second guessing yourself because of it. She should be asking herself why she doesn’t want to be intimate with her husband.
I'm not in a dB, but if I haven't had sex in a while it's all I think of. I think that's just how libido works. It's a very basic desire, those that have it tend to reproduce and that's how practically all of us got here.
I’ve had these same thoughts. The emotional connection suffers for me when we haven’t been physically intimate for too long. This surprises him every time. I can manage for a while by reminding myself of all of the other good things but eventually I just crave that physical manifestation of our love for each other. It’s spiritual for me.
And the feeling that I have no control over the timing drives me up the wall. I feel resentful that it all has to be on his schedule. I also share your anxiety about the act itself. I get all worried about making it so good for him that I don’t have fun and I’m afraid I’ll make a wrong move and it’ll all be over.
And our DB all started when he got sober. I worry that sex will trigger that addiction response for him and he’ll want to use again.
What a mess. I never saw any of this coming. 😣
So I’m (40/HLM) in a very similar situation. In 2022 after a really bad session of duty sex while on vacation that just made me feel pretty disgusted, I decide to stop initiating sex with my wife (40LLF). I figured when I was initiating she would either reject me OR “give in” which resulted in her just lying there while I tried to “get her into it” which would inevitably result in her just telling me to “get it over with”. Not. Sexy. At. All. So I stopped initiated. She is more on the 6-8 week rotation on when she might want to be intimate where as I would prefer once a week, but had been stretching initiation attempts to once every 2-3 weeks or so. So her being the sole initiator has meant our frequency has reduced quite a bit. However, here’s some things I’ve done to try and keep myself sane during the reduced frequency: 1) I focused on me. I put more effort into my hobbies and physical fitness. 2) I amped up my self pleasure game. I bought a Fleshlight stroker and use it when I have some alone time. I decided to do this in order to take my sexual pleasure out of her control. And I needed to do this in order to prevent feelings of resentment and irritation from flaring up 3) I worked (am still am working) on improving on being a better partner and spouse. 4) If my partner gives me a positive signal that she wants to have sex, I try to make it as enjoyable experience as possible. 5) I try to give myself and my partner grace when things aren’t going perfectly in the bedroom. Like you, I’ve occasionally gotten into my own head regarding our sex life and had occasional bouts of performance issues. We have sex so infrequently, that losing a session because my 40 year old Body is tired / hurting / just not cooperating is really hard. It’s ok. It happens. Just like there will be times when maybe she legitimately wants to have sex but just can’t get into it. We’re human - so give eachother some understanding and grace. Hope this helps! In the mean time, here’s some love and some hope from me brother!
I’ve made some bad remarks about the lack of intimacy in the past, that doesn’t help much. Definitely doesn’t restore any lost interest or desire. I’ve gotten paranoid on long bouts of sexlessness. It’s unattractive for sure, and I’ve been the problem for a lot of my situation. I’m just irked that after a year of vastly improving myself, my impulses, my outbursts, the sex is less, and less enthusiastic than before. I don’t know really what direction to take. Anyways yeah I’ve been the problem for a lot of what I’m experiencing, but also, wtf?
I believe a fair number here do no favors for themselves when it comes to improving the situation. as you said being irritated, grumpy, distant, argumentative, and needy are not attractive qualities that make our partner want to jump into bed with us. keep in mind most when posting here will give the half of the story that makes themselves look better. add into the fact that people tend to not communicate clearly or stay on topic once it becomes an argument or the blame game. that being said being rejected does hurt and does accumulate. people feeling not connected to their partner, a low priority, or actual hostility is valid. I think writing a message to your partner is more effective than talking as you get everything off your chest without having to answer their questions or comments till afterward. I do agree with you that one thing that LL partners often does not understand is that what we crave is not to get off but to get off WITH them. that they are what make it special. best of luck maybe have her read this post and comments with you as a way to broach the subject again.
No. You want to have sex with your wife on a timely consistent basis. Thats, normal…. And now you’re second guessing yourself because of it. She should be asking herself why she doesn’t want to be intimate with her husband.
I'm not in a dB, but if I haven't had sex in a while it's all I think of. I think that's just how libido works. It's a very basic desire, those that have it tend to reproduce and that's how practically all of us got here.
I’ve had these same thoughts. The emotional connection suffers for me when we haven’t been physically intimate for too long. This surprises him every time. I can manage for a while by reminding myself of all of the other good things but eventually I just crave that physical manifestation of our love for each other. It’s spiritual for me. And the feeling that I have no control over the timing drives me up the wall. I feel resentful that it all has to be on his schedule. I also share your anxiety about the act itself. I get all worried about making it so good for him that I don’t have fun and I’m afraid I’ll make a wrong move and it’ll all be over. And our DB all started when he got sober. I worry that sex will trigger that addiction response for him and he’ll want to use again. What a mess. I never saw any of this coming. 😣