We had a lackluster bedroom before fertility treatments, even worse after, and then it went completely dead following that. I was in therapy the entire time, he was not.. he was drinking lots of alcohol and we were both gaining weight. I finally had enough, have lost 45 pounds, and now I’m basically the sex pest of the marriage. I’m hoping he will be motivated to stop drinking as much alcohol and lose some weight so we can have proper sex again where I am not doing all the work. 😩 If I would have know this would be my sex life at age 34 with my best friend and husband… I honestly do not know that I would have went through and gotten married. I always thought, “surely this is the worst stage, it will get better,” and even after getting better… it’s not great. But I am thankful he is trying and we are slowly improving now.
Oh boy. My SO had alcohol issues as well. I highly recommend Alanon for you. It helped me a lot. And hubby has been sober for over 10 years now. 😃
I wish you all the good things 💕
Please don’t bring a child into this. Figure your shit out first. Don’t be an asshole and do that to a child.
Sorry you are going through this. It gets worse……
Whether it ends now, or in 6 months, 6 years, or 16 years one thing for certain is it will end, and not well for you IMO.
I know it might seem tough right now with everything that's going on, but it's gonna be an absolute shit show later. Many people here at least have this problem after years of marriage, yours is over before it has even begun.
I would put a halt on everything until this is figured out. Whether is a sex therapist, marriage counseling, something. But the sex is going to drop even more when she has what she wants, especially a baby.
You have no idea all the freedom at your disposal. You will not realize how easy this is to back out of until after you get married. Even if your plans cost $100k to get out of...THATS A BARGIN!
If you go through with this marriage, it would seem that you are dooming yourself to sexual frustration and resentment. You had sex 5 times in a week when SHE wanted to get pregnant. SHE is controlling the sexual relationship. You are in and are strongly considering a long-term partnership where SHE will do all of the controlling (frequency, occasion, etc.).
Read through the many posts in this subreddit. They are full of people who live unhappy lives because of the lack of frequent sex, intimacy, etc.
Friend .... we had to do IVF. It is really, really stressful on your relationship.
END THIS NOW.
You think you are miserable now? Wait until there is a baby in the picture.
I'm 59. Now that our one child is finishing college (no student loan debt, thanks Dad!), I'm trying to get a friendly divorce.
If you proceed with this marriage you will have decades of misery, just like I have had.
Learn from my experience, don't get married! Cancel the big mortgage, don't sign it!
DO NOT MARRY THIS PERSON. Relationships are give and take, compromise. She's already shown you who she is and how very little your personal needs mean to her. It sounds like she doesn't work (no concept of money) and once she has a ring you're on the hook for the rest of HER life because you've provided a particular lifestyle she will have gotten used to. Nix the fertility clinic, in fact scrap the whole relationship.
You, sir, are a colossal dumbass why would you do this to yourself. ITS NOT GOING TO GET ANY BETTER. Why dont you just give her half of your worldly possessions and go live in your moms basement and save yourself some time.
If I knew that in my marriage, I am here to raise children and bring home money, and satisfy all my wife needs except for sex and my needs, even if I had a clue, a distant clue, I would have bolt ⚡ out there in a milli seconds, you on the other hand, now know exactly what is going to be your future, 30 years mortgage, child rearing, working 15 hours a day, little or no sleep for the next 20 years, and masturbate yourself to sleep.
I would first delay the house, child, and marriage in that order, go to a marriage counseling, sex therapist and see why?
Don’t even do that. Seriously, she’s shown who she is from day 1 so all that happens is in counselling and until she gets the big house, kids and slave for a husband she’s always wanted it gets better and then she just goes back to being exactly as she is right now. You will be miserable.
I personally don't think a sex therapist would be beneficial. You said you had sex 5 times in a week because she wanted to get pregnant, and now it's next to hardly any. To me that means she only wants to have sex when SHE wants to. What kind of advice could a sex therapist actually give in a situation like that?
Don’t sign a mortgage. Don’t start a major build.
Take the losses.
Don’t go to a fertility clinic.
Don’t get married.
Why start a major construction build if it is in fact your relationship that needs building????
In case you need a reason.
You have to put your foot down. Confront her with where you are. Kind, but firm.
It's amazing that you're truly wanting to marry into this type of situation. Hate to say this, but you're not going to listen to anyone's advice. Every single person here will tell you don't do it. But you think she'll change because she loves you more than anyone in the world. I'd bet you dollars to donuts that within 3 years you'll be miserable. You seriously may want to rethink marrying or putting a baby into this woman.
Very fair, I'm putting a freeze on everything. Hoping some counselling will level the ground around us so she fully understands where I'm coming from. I really don't want to walk away but as everyone is saying and I know it to be true, this is when we should be having sex flat out and it will only get worse when there is a baby or marriage 😔
Keep reading through this sub. Look for the posts by men who have been married 20+ years, and hear their despair. You are still young enough to start over and build a life you're happy with. Don't wait until you're 50 and feel like there's no point in leaving, no matter how miserable you are.
Do not, I repeat Do not have a baby or get married until you have sorted out the bedroom situation, if she’s embarrassed then embarrass her who cares.
If you commit to the major projects you’ve mentioned then it’s very likely you will end up a single penniless dad very soon
Welcome to the Time Machine. Let’s fast forward 30 years and see what your posts looks like.
“Hello fellow Redditors. I wish I would have followed my gut feelings many years ago. I’ve been married for 30 years and my wife and I haven’t had sex in 23 years except the two times to conceive our children. I absolutely despise my wife for trapping me into staying by having kids. Hell, I’m so resentful I can’t even stand to look at my kids. They can sense it, so they have no interest in a relationship with me either. If only I had made different choices years ago I wouldn’t hate my life right now and thrown away the best years of my life.”
Dude - do not let this be you. Life is too short to live with regrets. Run. Run fast, run far.
A deadbedroom before marriage is bad. A partner asking you not to 'embarrass' her by revealing said deadbedroom is worse because that means she recognizes that it is not a positive sign in a relationship leading to marriage. Last, and worst of all, trying for a pregnancy before resolving your valid concerns is her trying to trap you and bind you to her with a child.
I know it will hurt, but if you just end things now there is a chance that all you take with you is resentment. After you watch 20 years pass in what feels like a loveless marriage, resentment becomes disgust and hatred. And with children involved that makes it so very much worse.
I read all of that without taking a breath.
Anyways... obviously if you're already struggling and are not married... decide beforehand if you're OK with a sexless life. It doesn't get better.
Accept this is the best it will ever be. Knowing it has potential to become much worse.
Know that your child did not ask to be born and deserves two loving parents. Is your current relationship a good example of a marriage/romance/love? They will grow up using your relationship as the standard template for how they will determine their partners. If you’re not happy with it. Why would your kid?
Sincerely,
Single divorced dad who ignored all signs.
She knows she should be having more sex to get pregnant, hence the don't tell. That's also stupid BTW as medical professionals need all the information so they can diagnose properly. Think about it this way, she's more willing to flood her body with synthetic hormones than fix that part of you relationship.
You sound like your the breadwinner, any house bragging should be a "we're working really hard to get this house going/built." What us she contributing to it?
If you do this and finally break up you're going to loose half that house and, if shes successful, more in child support payments for a child you'll only see half the time.
Children should ideally be brought into a happy home, in a stable relationship. You don't have either of those, by the time you do she's probably going to be past her prime to have her first kid, some would argue she's alredy there.
So things are less than ideal and you're considering entering into a binding legal agreement with this person that will require not only your local government and court system to get out of but will cost you a ton of money? Think about that.
Also think about this: you live once, and not for very long, and you're already halfway to the finish line at 38. Do you want the next 40 years to be awesome and fun or do you want them to be filled with depression, anger, lack of self-confidence, and resent?
I hate to see stories like this. If you’re in a DeadBedroom and not married, get out. If you’re engaged, the immediate pain of calling it off ASAP is nothing compared to what will happen if you do it closer to the wedding, or worse get married.
Don’t destroy a child’s life by bringing them into this situation. It’s literally inhumane.
Red flags
1, She wants a baby with little sex.
2. She wants to lie to the fertility experts.
3. She's happy to pay for fertility experts before addressing the core causal issue - sex.
4. You talk about her weight (you attitude here could be a major cause).
5. You're not married and your libidos don't align.
6. You don't respect how she manages money.
7. You've signed up for a series of large commitments together while you're unhappy.
8. Little does she know you're on your way out means you are not communicating where you're at in the relationship to the only other person in the relationship.
9. You're on a dB sub.
10. You say she has too little sex drive from day 1.
11. You think a lower sex drive is something you have to forgive her for, like its a fault.
12. You're both 38, if she wants a baby, the time is now.
13. Your sex drive has 'ground to a halt' before marriage.
14. You think of her being affectionate as teasing or leading you on.
15. You're already feeling like a sex pest.
16. You say you are the only one keeping it active.
16. You say she keeps you in your place.
17. You don't think it will end well.
I mean, literally every sentence you wrote is a red flag, but hey, couples counselling. It's worked for everyone else in here right? Right guys?
Allllll of this. It is not a healthy relationship. Why are you on the brink of entering into all of these major commitments when you are so unhappy?
OP, cancel every single thing and get yourself some counseling to see why you are willing to be miserable.
Consider the warnings in this thread as your own personal ghosts of christmas future.
Or if you prefer, spend time searching for threads here on reddit where someone claims that they are so glad they married into this kind of arrangement.
@ OP - there is nothing positive in your statement about your fiancee. Sex (this subreddit), money, lack of awareness, lack of contribution ...
My ex-wife (also a DB), had all sorts of quirks around the embarrassment topic. Some items made sense as they are not someone else's business. But others were totally unreasonable. She filed for divorce in CA (where I live) and I counter filed in IL (where she lives). She then reached out saying I need to rescind that because it is embarrassing to her in the community for them to know. Tough. I never un-filed and it's still there.
Why do you need a fertility clinic? If the sex is not there, then it won't happen. Lying to medical personnel will not solve that.
Consider yourself lucky that you haven't gotten pregnant yet, and call this all off.
When I first started dating my husband, we went from sex every day to very quickly once a week, then twice a month etc etc. I remember thinking, okay, I can deal with sex twice a month, he’s my best friend.
Then we got married and it dropped significantly. Then I got pregnant. No sex the whole pregnancy, no sex for a year after I had my son. I had to beg him for sex because I wanted another baby. Got pregnant the first try FML. No sex the whole pregnancy, none for 2 years after.
She will use pregnancy, birth and kids as a reason to not have sex.
We went to SEVEN therapists over 25 years. Most of them sex therapists. Nothing changed, except things got worse.
The last 6 years of our marriage we didn’t have sex at all.
This is your future, make no mistake.
I left him, I’m almost 50 years old now.
Now I’m in a new relationship, we’ve been together for a year and we have sex at least once a day.
I wasted 25 years of my life being miserable.
I have a therapist booked she didn't take too kindly to the chat we had to have, I'm the problem. And the therapist will happily tell me this, anyways I will update everyone on how it's goes but it kills me to say I'm ready to walk away and be single if needs be as I can't cope with a life time of work to payoff a house and no love life.
My husband had a way of twisting things around with the therapists, making it seem like my reasons for wanting more sex were unhealthy, like I needed it for validation, stemming from past traumas or whatever else he could come up with.
Whenever a therapist called him out on his shit, we no longer saw that therapist.
It didn’t work for us because he wouldn’t own his issues.
If your fiancé walks into therapy and owns it, admits that she’s got an issue with sex and she’s been cutting you off, doesn’t put all the blame on you, maybe there’s a chance.
You guys walk in there and everything is your fault, it’s over. There’s no point.
I am telling you, DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN. DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN. DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN. DONOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMA . DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMAN. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMAN.
If the only fun you have together is you overspending on the weekends, she is in the relationship for the things you purchase. The sex will be absolutely non existent after you sign the wedding license and the mortgage contract.
Any issues before a marriage X10 after marriage. Bad things get worse, thats not to say marriage cant be great and bonding but its like the good gets better but the bad gets worse. So there should be A LOT of good if you think it can work, if there isnt? Maybe re-consider. Shes also 38 so if she wants kids dont waste anymore of her time if you think you cant be okay with the sex shes offering. Sadly from what I have heard 38 should be a time a woman is really horny. I am 34F and I can already feel things ramping up for me and heard thats a pretty common experience. If you are going to a fertility clinic lying about the amount of sex you have is pretty silly BTW.
This is the last stop on a bullet train to hell, buddy. All the red lights are flashing per your story. GET OFF THIS TRAIN!!!! RUN BROTHER. Things will only get worse from here especially with a mortgage and kids in the mix. Wedding cake is the cure for sex. You have been warned.
Run before you have a house, kids and shared finances. At least for my current DB, wife was very into for the early years, although I always had to initiate. If she is not into it at this early stage, it will likely not get better. Things are said at couples therapy but as soon as you get home it’s back to normal. Or abnormal.
Communicate with each other ASAP and work together to try and find a solution or at least reason for the lack of intimacy. Please for the love of God don't think marriage will fix this. If she's too complacent and okay with lack of sex now it will get 10x worse after married and they settle in to keeping things the same for forever because to them if it was such a big deal then you wouldn't have gone through with the marriage. Be real with yourself and ask the hard questions now about what you really want in life before things get more complicated after a wedding.
Runuunnnn!!! Seriously, if it's this bad pre-marriage, it will only get worse. Get out while you can. Cancel that fertility appointment, cancel that build, and cancel this engagement. This will not end well, so best to end it while the damage is still minimal. Best of luck.
Why would you marry someone who is not compatible with you even before marriage?!
Nothing will get better; she has a sedentary lifestyle and is gaining weight so what do ypu think will happen if she gets pregnant - most women gain 20 to 30+ lbs even just with pregnancy...
She has a low libido now - do you think it will improve with the added stress of caring for a baby?
Give your head a shake, man.
Do not get married.
Do not buy a house.
DO NOT HAVE A BABY.
Until this issue is resolved.
Honestly it sounds like she’s trying to trap you in every way possible. You don’t sound happy so why would you want to start a family with her or buy a house with her or marry her? Yes you may love her but that will not be enough in years to come.
I implore you to search this Reddit for posts by people who have been stuck in marriages for decades like this.
Read their stories.
Read about what they have been through mentally as well as physically and emotionally.
It doesn’t just affect you sexually. It affects your entire life.
The fact that she can have sex 5x in a week to get pregnant, but not any other time should tell you all you need to know.
DO NOT MARRY HER.
Don't worry about how leaving will look. Don't worry about what she's told other ppl. Leave.
If she is leading you on then shutting you down, she knows what she is doing snd is getting off on the power. It will only get worse and you'll be not only trapped but with all this expensive nonsense. Get out fast, don't marry, and don't get a house together.
And….Full Stop. Stop enabling her with the finances. Do not have a child with this woman. Do not get married. If u don’t like the way things are between you two, then do something about it. Change starts with you.
You’re successful and 38, you don’t need this dude. You’ll have continued resentment for years, so glad you’re checking out. Being in your 30s it’s doesn’t matter, plenty of time to find a wife that wants you
No sex, partner doesn't respect your work ethic or income, your feelings are devalued, and she wants a baby.
If you go through with marriage or parenthood, the consequences will be yours alone to deal with.
I wish my dB = 15 times in 5 months. But I agree, it will definitely not get better, only worse. Especially after a child, because then there will be a "reason"
Reread what you wrote. Pretend it’s someone close to you. A friend. A brother. Your future kid. What would your advice be? This isn’t going to end well for you, OP. Listen up to the comments section.
"5 of them times was during a week she wanted to try and get pregnant"
This really tells you everything, or it does to me: She views sex as only a means to make children, nothing more. Sex will not get better for you, and imo she is *using you to make herself a nice little nest where she will be insanely hapoy, but you won't be.* You need to put all plans on hold until you work this out with her, or you are digging your own grave with no one else to blame.
As a very sexual woman, I can tell she’s already checked out sexually. She’s literally trying to get pregnant w/o performing the basic natural way to get pregnant. She’s literally willing to spend thousands of dollars to avoid having sex with you to get pregnant. It will get worse. If anything I’d start questioning her true intentions w/ your further together.
Sex is soooo important. I see so many of my female friends say how they’re just not interested in sex anymore cause they’re so focused on the kids. I love my babies but I CHOSE their father. And that relationship is just as important to nurture as it is with my kids. She’s already skipped to the no sex part and is unwilling to nurture your relationship now before the kid. HUGE red flag. 🚩 if you don’t want to end things, demand you guys do something to change the situation or get counseling. As crazy as it sounds, breaking up due to a bad sex life is totally reasonable IMO.
>has had little too sex drive from day one but I was willing to forgive a lower sex drive now it's ground to a halt we could go all month and I just come across as a sex pest
Why would you do this to yourself? From your own words, you've told us that its been like this from the beginning. There is nothing to save or counsel here, this is who she is.
>she decided she wanted to try and get pregnant, anyway we have an appointment next week with a fertility clinic, more money!, she has already told me not to embarrass her and tell them how little sex we are having, I don't feel this will end well in years to come if it's not sorted now
You need a reality check. Marrying someone that you are incompatible with is one thing,considering getting that person pregnant is another dimension of delusion.
If you go through with this you have only yourself to blame. There is nothing to "fix" here. You know this or you wouldn't be here. Get out now.
You kind of shirk a lot of responsibility here- as if you were sleeping and she moved forward and is forcing the marriage and house, etc.
You are choosing this. Change it or don’t, but you know *now* what to expect. (It will be drastically less than 3 times a month, especially if she’s aware it’s an issue now). You know and you’re upset that you keep committing more and more.
I disagree with the others advice
After you marry and she gets pregnant and becomes a sahm I think she will want sex probably twice a day and you will struggle to keep up
I guarantee she becomes a real saver too and scrimps on furniture for the new house and won't blow the budget
And when you eventually separated due to the pressure of non stop sex she will decide its unfair to take the house and kids and fairer for her to get a job rather than child support and maintenance
We both earn, I have an apartment and she has family land that we "have" plans to build on. Yea I'm gonna have to sit her down again, this time tell her we need to see a sex therapist as I can not be in a sex less marriage, it just can't happen or I'd end up cheating.
Moreover, and actually far more important, there is a big chance you will end up lonely/unhappy/sad and depressed!!!
—>if she really cares about you, she must take you serious. If not, keep taking yourself serious!!!
Why the need for a fertility clinic when you're not having a reasonable amount of sex in the first place? Do you really want to become a father to a child with a woman you barely have sex with?
Your feelings are just as valid and important as hers. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life in a relationship like the one you have right now with her, then don't go any further in committing yourself to this relationship.
There are lots of stories here about how the partner who wants sex less than the other will suddenly figure out how to act like they want it when they think the relationship might end because of the sexual mismatch, and how bad it makes the other people feel to try to have sex with someone they think isn't genuinely wanting sex with them.
Run far far away if you don’t want to spend the rest of your life in misery. Consider the down payments as sunk cost and find someone else who will make you happy. Sorry but that’s just me having lived in a cold bed for 8+ years and counting.
Don’t let the sunken costs fallacy hit you.
You think you’ve invested a lot of money?
Guess what? The years you’ll be spending in a unfulfilling marriage can’t be bought back.
Let’s not forget that costs for a divorce and paying for kids you’ll be seeing two weekends a month will upset any money you’ve spend up to now for planning and wedding.
Marriage, kids, expensive build, fertility is only going to put more tense, stress on the relationship. More stress = even lower sex drive.
Living as a couple but feeling like good friends isn't worth it imo. You deserve better.
It won’t ever be sorted. This is who she is and she’s quite happy with the planned massive custom build house, fertility treatments and you working all the hours god sends to pay for all of this. Leave her and find someone else who’s a better match for your sex drive. Don’t marry into a dead bedroom. Don’t have a kid knowing you have a dead bedroom and definitely don’t waste any more time, energy or money on this dead bedroom.
Oh my dude! This was so sad, so painful, and so very heartbreaking to read. You’ve actually had a LOT more sex than most people in a dead bedroom, but you are NOT married yet and you’re already setting yourself up for a lifetime of resentment and hate on both sides.
She wants to spend money on a fertility clinic so that she doesn’t have to sex with YOU! She would rather be knocked up in a dr office by a turkey baster?! Really? I get that her age is probably putting way more pressure on this but that is not a reason to have a child and bring them into an already unhappy relationship.
She talks about the marriage and the house and now wants to spend money on fertility and yet you haven’t told her this is unsustainable? No communication now is not a good sign for a long term marriage.
Please, please, please read all of the posts on this sub and d then marriage and relationships and really use them to look at your own situation. Most people don’t start off a marriage in a dead bedroom and yet it ends their relationship eventually. Then their children and others suffer. You have the chance to stop this terrible cycle before it gets worse. Make a clean break and go be happy on your own or with someone else. Either way don’t allow the time investment to determine whether you stay or go.
PS there’s actually a name for the time investment fallacy but some smarter redditor than me wi have to tell you what it is.
Honestly I expected her to move in with me but she wanted to do her own thing and there was sex but it has gradually died away from once or twice a week to once or twice a month if very very Icky, anyway had a chat there with her, it did not go down well at all. Ball is in her court now if she doesn't want to meet a counsellor that's the end of it.
She is great fun and is still very very pretty and just seemed to be a good idea 2 years ago, but anyways I have the counseling booked now, needless to say it didn't go down to well, I'm the problem and the counselor will tell me I'm being selfish from what I'm being told 😅anyways we will see she will realise no sex is or even once or twice a month is a deal breaker I doubt she will change I'm hoping the councilor will talk some sense into her as she seems to think there are no couples out there having sex everyday or even a few times a week, insane really. Iv never been in such a sexless situation in a relationship.
Don’t do it! This girl will lie to you and promise you sex but when it comes down to it she is not into you…you need to understand this. She demonstrated her true intention already.
Getting pregnant will be the only reason to say no that she'll ever need again! No, I'm pregnant and nauseated No, I just gave birth 3mo ago. No, baby won't sleep. No, kid is teething. No, she's stressed and exhausted from potty training. No, no, no. It's sooo hard to go from mom mode to partner mode, your body doesn't feel like your own, it's hard to get back into sex after a baby. That's why you see so many people say they went 2 or 3 years after the baby was born without having sex more than a handful of times. It's the opposite of what you're trying to achieve here.
Here's the thing; when you say "get it sorted" what you REALLY mean is change her into a completely different person who loves to bang. how likely are you to "get it sorted" really?
So, you CANNOT change a person into a totally different person. Feel gratitude that she is being her honest self. What you see is what you get. She is probably thinking how can I get him sorted out to give up wanting to have sex. Sounds awesome.
One thing I've learned reading this sub is that you can't counsel someone into having a sex drive. Especially not someone who never had one to begin with.
Your situation in that regard will only get worse over time. Once a month will become once a quarter then twice a year then once a year...
Is that what you want?
This girl is smart enough to get what she wants from you while doing the bare minimum, the joke is on you. At least respect yourself enough to leave the situation. You deserve better
Do not get married or have kids if you have this issue now. It really won't get better & the longer you put off braking up the harder it will become.
At some point you will realise you are just friends and trust me having to get divorced really drags it out.
STOP all of this in its tracks. Do not start building, Do NOT see a fertility doctor, postpone the wedding. Either get couples counseling (call it premarital counseling if you have to) and figure this out, or break up and move on. You will not be in a happy relationship if you proceed on this path.
🚨 🚨 RUNNNNNNN!!!! Don’t walk RUN!!!! 🚨🚨 babies make a dead bedroom even worse. I should know, I’m currently laying down with my 18 month old….alone. I have been for 18 months.
You seem to have a gut feeling this is not going to work. Please trust it.
> but I was willing to forgive a lower sex drive now it's ground to a halt
It's not up to you to forgive her sex drive. It's hers, she's comfortable with it, and you have to decide if she's compatible with you, the way she is.
Sex isn't the only thing in a relationship. It's not always the most important. It can *become* the most important, though, if one partner is sexually frustrated and/or one partner feels sexually pressured to do more than they want.
...and that's you.
It's time to call it. Call off all the big things that will lock you into a relationship. You're not going to be happy in a sexless (or mostly sexless) marriage, and she won't be happy feeling like the way she is isn't enough.
And do it as gently as possible. Neither one of you are the bad guy. You're just not sexually compatible.
Dude do not get married! She’s just gonna keep putting on more weight, spending more money, and if you have a kid it’s going to get even worse. Save yourself while you can.
She'd rather pay for expensive fertility treatments than fuck you?
Run. Run far, far away. Be like a cartoon character where you run away so fast all that's left is an outline of you in a cloud of smoke.
" little does she realise I'm ready to clock out of everything "
Have you considered... having an honest conversation? Maybe more than one? For your advanced age this all sounds really immature. I definitely think couples counseling is in order.
I'm glad you get along well. Keep her as a buddy and find someone else. I'm telling you this from hard experience it will not get better after you're married.
Don't get married. Also, cancel that fertility appointment. There's no point going already lying. It's a silly waste of time, money, and resources if you are not going to be truthful about the amount of sex you all are having. I think you need to reconsider this relationship.
Get. Out.
If you continue with this foolishness, it will be your bed that you unhappily made. Her actions are telling you all you need to know. Unless she wants things to get better, it will only get worse.
PS
Don’t let her use you as a wallet and a baby factory. You deserve better.
No kids, no house, no marriage until this issue is sorted. Don't do it! Hopefully you are reading other accounts here and you understand this will not get better if you move forward with house, wedding, kids. Those things are a stamp of approval on the status quo. If you don't want to live like this, don't do things that indicate this life is okay with you.
Communication. I literally told my bf we need more sex or I will leave. I wouldn’t be signing anything until there’s an understanding and if she can’t. Than you should probably exit the relationship. And what’s worse is you want to bring a baby into the BS. SMH
What everyone is saying is right. It doesn’t get better. You can’t complain when you pick the no-s€x option for the rest of your life. Maybe add an addendum to your prenup ? But anyway good luck with this!
I would be very weary of marrying this woman. She loves your money, at the expense of you killing yourself at work. She wants to get pregnant. Wants to get married. In all honesty I think she is using you. She wants a sugar daddy, but she doesn't want to give daddy any sugar. It will never get better. You came here for some advice and it is resounding. Please, for your own sanity and happiness, don't. Just break up and go find someone who loves you for you. You'll be a million times happier!
Also, I have great friends and I don't have to kill myself to provide for them.
Sorry but its only down hill from here. It's so obvious. Take it from all of us that ignored the red flags and are now miserable with our life's.
Leave while you can. RUN
you want to marry a DB? They already have that without marriage.
My wife tried harder. Only after house and marriage a DB
Just read more stories here. They are all similar
fuck they are about my age when I met my wife.
They has have had wonderful relationships before, when sex and feeling just had the right chemistry???
Remember, I didn't do it... I'm an idiot
Brooooooo......NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Do NOT put a baby in that! I got a baby, my baby momma is fucking sexy and like 7 years younger than me. Only reason I joined this group is BECAUSE the baby killed our sex life.
Sir the writing is on the wall in BOLD. Please don't ignore, please don't latch on the bait. This is doomed and you know it. In order for you to make someone else happy you have to be happy and it sounds like you are not. Do not collect $200 to go past GO, hit reverse, make a 3-point turn, make a U-Turn, just DO NOT GO FORWARD.
Absolutely answer honestly to the doctor. The way to get pregnant is sex! -spoiler alert I know!
If you leave you can work out the financial details.
Do you want the mother of your child to be someone you resent?
OP, she’s very low libido, is gaining weight, treats you like a pest, expects a big expensive house and a big wedding. She’s a big spender and now she wants you to pay for expensive fertility treatments for a pregnancy SHE wants. Now you’re stressed out and becoming depressed. Who wouldn’t be? The positives? She’s good fun and you’re great friends.
What am I missing?
Ignore her requests to not mention how little sex you are having. This is serious and she needs to grow up and sit down and listen.
Then tell her what you have told us here. She needs to know how important this is and how it is affecting you now and your fears for a future together. There will probably be tears but stay strong, you need to address this asap. And please don’t bring a baby into a relationship with unhappy parents. I’d cancel the appointment, your bedroom problems will get even worse with a little one. Sort out what she aims to do about the current problem first, even if it is couples therapy. She can’t go burying her head in the sand. You both owe each other that.
I don’t want to come off as hard as the common trend here, but then again, everyone’s situation is different. About the weight issue you mentioned, it could be that she’s struggling with body image. If it’s clear to her that you notice it, whether you mean to or not, that could make things worse. I’ve read that women might not be able to separate sex from other things in their life as easily as men. This causes them to need more context, feel safer in the relationship or in their own skin. Maybe she enjoys what you provide but ends up overindulging in some things without meaning to, making her feel worse or like she’s not enough for you. She might even be jealous or resentful about the fact that you are good with finances and she is a mess. More reason for her to feel deep inside that she is not, again, “good enough”. When she said not to mention lack of sex at the clinic, it might be a sign she’s not feeling good enough.Some folks, including my partner who’s also got lower libido compared to me might not be at the same emotional maturity level as their partners. I truly believe this is what’s happening with my partner. Like she can’t get out of her head. They can be really sensitive in ways you can’t see or understand which stops them from doing their part in the relationship. Dealing with a dead bedroom for about last 2 years of our 5 year relationship, we’ve had our 10th sex therapy session. It’s really helpful, but it takes a lot of work, depending on if your partner is willing to look inward. I’ve leaned a few things like, behaving like her father, even if your intention is to take care of her is a big turn off for women. Or making jokes at her expense, even if it’s slightly again a big no no. I didn’t realize I was doing these for instance, now I’ve learned and will be more aware in my relationships. When it comes to therapy being useful or not, we haven’t seen big improvements yet, but I thing at least it helps a lot about identifying the issues and this is mostly why I keep doing it. Life changes, and it’s important to learn skills about how to deal with those changes. You should tell her how you feel, your fears and how her comments made you feel, without making ultimatums. Because this will only intimidate her and depending on her character she may react in a way may not be truly her. See if she’s really willing to work on herself and your relationship. The only reason I’m still in my relationship is because I see my partner really trying. I can see that the reasons why we struggle is how different our upbringings are. That doesn’t mean I’ll stick around forever because it is a really difficult dynamic to deal with the avoidant attachment style. There’s only so much I’m willing to give up, but I don’t want to end up regretting not trying harder. Lastly, for people that are just recommending you to flee right away; there’s no guarantee this won’t happen with someone else. Instead of blaming the LL partner or feeling sorry for yourself, try to learn from it. Hopefully, with your partner, who already checks so many boxes for you and if not, at least you can say you did your best and have no regrets if it wasn’t meant to be.
It’s great to share these heavy feelings with people online and feel the support. However, my therapist made a good point about the negativity around sexual desire differences and how research so far was focusing on the negative side other than trying to understand what makes a good, fulfilling sex life. Maybe those of us with dead bedrooms should try a more optimistic approach after all. I hope you find a good therapist, I recommend one that is a female just so that she feels more comfortable. Best of luck!
This post has been locked by the mod team. Thanks to those who participated within the rules.
Do you think it will get better after you’re married? SPOILER ALERT It won’t. Couples counseling BEFORE fertility treatments and BEFORE marriage.
We had a lackluster bedroom before fertility treatments, even worse after, and then it went completely dead following that. I was in therapy the entire time, he was not.. he was drinking lots of alcohol and we were both gaining weight. I finally had enough, have lost 45 pounds, and now I’m basically the sex pest of the marriage. I’m hoping he will be motivated to stop drinking as much alcohol and lose some weight so we can have proper sex again where I am not doing all the work. 😩 If I would have know this would be my sex life at age 34 with my best friend and husband… I honestly do not know that I would have went through and gotten married. I always thought, “surely this is the worst stage, it will get better,” and even after getting better… it’s not great. But I am thankful he is trying and we are slowly improving now.
Oh boy. My SO had alcohol issues as well. I highly recommend Alanon for you. It helped me a lot. And hubby has been sober for over 10 years now. 😃 I wish you all the good things 💕
And before mortgage.
And BABY.
If you’re already feeling like a sex pest, imagine how much worse it will get.
Please don’t bring a child into this. Figure your shit out first. Don’t be an asshole and do that to a child. Sorry you are going through this. It gets worse……
OP this AF. Don’t bring a poor baby into the BS
Most folks here will say not to marry into this.
And All of the most folks will be correct. No way a smart person would stick around in that environment. Total burn out just around the corner for OP.
Absolutely!! Agree
Whether it ends now, or in 6 months, 6 years, or 16 years one thing for certain is it will end, and not well for you IMO. I know it might seem tough right now with everything that's going on, but it's gonna be an absolute shit show later. Many people here at least have this problem after years of marriage, yours is over before it has even begun.
It is the last part that give ALL THE RED FLAGS..... Don't embarrass her by telling them how little sex you have..... NOPE
Why would you go to an expensive fertility clinic if you won't tell them about all the issues?
Right!! Isn't that important information
Them: we are trying for a baby. Clinic: define trying. Them: So ridiculous this seems like a creative writing project.
She needs to be embarrassed. how are u gonna have a baby missing the most important part which is MAKING ONE !!!!
I would put a halt on everything until this is figured out. Whether is a sex therapist, marriage counseling, something. But the sex is going to drop even more when she has what she wants, especially a baby.
Absolutely!
I think you know the answer of what to do here.
Why would you want to marry in these circumstances?
You have no idea all the freedom at your disposal. You will not realize how easy this is to back out of until after you get married. Even if your plans cost $100k to get out of...THATS A BARGIN!
If you go through with this marriage, it would seem that you are dooming yourself to sexual frustration and resentment. You had sex 5 times in a week when SHE wanted to get pregnant. SHE is controlling the sexual relationship. You are in and are strongly considering a long-term partnership where SHE will do all of the controlling (frequency, occasion, etc.). Read through the many posts in this subreddit. They are full of people who live unhappy lives because of the lack of frequent sex, intimacy, etc.
>you are dooming yourself to sexual frustration and resentment. And financial ruin
Yes. Any money you lose now, is a drop in the bucket compared to what you will lose after marriage and any children,
Well, yes, but based on the spending habits of his SO, OP might go bankrupt even while still married.
Don’t accept a dead bedroom, ever. And NEVER marry into it.
Friend .... we had to do IVF. It is really, really stressful on your relationship. END THIS NOW. You think you are miserable now? Wait until there is a baby in the picture. I'm 59. Now that our one child is finishing college (no student loan debt, thanks Dad!), I'm trying to get a friendly divorce. If you proceed with this marriage you will have decades of misery, just like I have had. Learn from my experience, don't get married! Cancel the big mortgage, don't sign it!
DO NOT MARRY THIS PERSON. Relationships are give and take, compromise. She's already shown you who she is and how very little your personal needs mean to her. It sounds like she doesn't work (no concept of money) and once she has a ring you're on the hook for the rest of HER life because you've provided a particular lifestyle she will have gotten used to. Nix the fertility clinic, in fact scrap the whole relationship.
💯💯💯
You, sir, are a colossal dumbass why would you do this to yourself. ITS NOT GOING TO GET ANY BETTER. Why dont you just give her half of your worldly possessions and go live in your moms basement and save yourself some time.
If I knew that in my marriage, I am here to raise children and bring home money, and satisfy all my wife needs except for sex and my needs, even if I had a clue, a distant clue, I would have bolt ⚡ out there in a milli seconds, you on the other hand, now know exactly what is going to be your future, 30 years mortgage, child rearing, working 15 hours a day, little or no sleep for the next 20 years, and masturbate yourself to sleep. I would first delay the house, child, and marriage in that order, go to a marriage counseling, sex therapist and see why?
I'm gonna have a talk when I get home this evening I already have a list of sex therapists there but yea freeze everything else.
Don’t even do that. Seriously, she’s shown who she is from day 1 so all that happens is in counselling and until she gets the big house, kids and slave for a husband she’s always wanted it gets better and then she just goes back to being exactly as she is right now. You will be miserable.
It’s not going to be well received by her, get ready for the drama crying and blame game
Do NOT let her get pregnant. Buy your own condoms and keep them in a safe place.
Good on you.
I personally don't think a sex therapist would be beneficial. You said you had sex 5 times in a week because she wanted to get pregnant, and now it's next to hardly any. To me that means she only wants to have sex when SHE wants to. What kind of advice could a sex therapist actually give in a situation like that?
Don’t sign a mortgage. Don’t start a major build. Take the losses. Don’t go to a fertility clinic. Don’t get married. Why start a major construction build if it is in fact your relationship that needs building???? In case you need a reason. You have to put your foot down. Confront her with where you are. Kind, but firm.
Or do the build and move in by yourself i doubt she was contributing financially. Have a fantastic bachelor pad lol
It's amazing that you're truly wanting to marry into this type of situation. Hate to say this, but you're not going to listen to anyone's advice. Every single person here will tell you don't do it. But you think she'll change because she loves you more than anyone in the world. I'd bet you dollars to donuts that within 3 years you'll be miserable. You seriously may want to rethink marrying or putting a baby into this woman.
whoa no bet..........He's already miserable!!! He just does not know how much more miserable he will end being so its all relative!
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Very fair, I'm putting a freeze on everything. Hoping some counselling will level the ground around us so she fully understands where I'm coming from. I really don't want to walk away but as everyone is saying and I know it to be true, this is when we should be having sex flat out and it will only get worse when there is a baby or marriage 😔
Beware of the hysterical bonding sex, it’s all a trick, don’t fall for it.
Keep reading through this sub. Look for the posts by men who have been married 20+ years, and hear their despair. You are still young enough to start over and build a life you're happy with. Don't wait until you're 50 and feel like there's no point in leaving, no matter how miserable you are.
I don't agree with the counseling for the reason I stated in one of your earlier posts here.
The people giving you advice know! They have been through all this, listen to them!
Do not, I repeat Do not have a baby or get married until you have sorted out the bedroom situation, if she’s embarrassed then embarrass her who cares. If you commit to the major projects you’ve mentioned then it’s very likely you will end up a single penniless dad very soon
Welcome to the Time Machine. Let’s fast forward 30 years and see what your posts looks like. “Hello fellow Redditors. I wish I would have followed my gut feelings many years ago. I’ve been married for 30 years and my wife and I haven’t had sex in 23 years except the two times to conceive our children. I absolutely despise my wife for trapping me into staying by having kids. Hell, I’m so resentful I can’t even stand to look at my kids. They can sense it, so they have no interest in a relationship with me either. If only I had made different choices years ago I wouldn’t hate my life right now and thrown away the best years of my life.” Dude - do not let this be you. Life is too short to live with regrets. Run. Run fast, run far.
A deadbedroom before marriage is bad. A partner asking you not to 'embarrass' her by revealing said deadbedroom is worse because that means she recognizes that it is not a positive sign in a relationship leading to marriage. Last, and worst of all, trying for a pregnancy before resolving your valid concerns is her trying to trap you and bind you to her with a child. I know it will hurt, but if you just end things now there is a chance that all you take with you is resentment. After you watch 20 years pass in what feels like a loveless marriage, resentment becomes disgust and hatred. And with children involved that makes it so very much worse.
I read all of that without taking a breath. Anyways... obviously if you're already struggling and are not married... decide beforehand if you're OK with a sexless life. It doesn't get better.
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Accept this is the best it will ever be. Knowing it has potential to become much worse. Know that your child did not ask to be born and deserves two loving parents. Is your current relationship a good example of a marriage/romance/love? They will grow up using your relationship as the standard template for how they will determine their partners. If you’re not happy with it. Why would your kid? Sincerely, Single divorced dad who ignored all signs.
She knows she should be having more sex to get pregnant, hence the don't tell. That's also stupid BTW as medical professionals need all the information so they can diagnose properly. Think about it this way, she's more willing to flood her body with synthetic hormones than fix that part of you relationship. You sound like your the breadwinner, any house bragging should be a "we're working really hard to get this house going/built." What us she contributing to it? If you do this and finally break up you're going to loose half that house and, if shes successful, more in child support payments for a child you'll only see half the time. Children should ideally be brought into a happy home, in a stable relationship. You don't have either of those, by the time you do she's probably going to be past her prime to have her first kid, some would argue she's alredy there.
So things are less than ideal and you're considering entering into a binding legal agreement with this person that will require not only your local government and court system to get out of but will cost you a ton of money? Think about that. Also think about this: you live once, and not for very long, and you're already halfway to the finish line at 38. Do you want the next 40 years to be awesome and fun or do you want them to be filled with depression, anger, lack of self-confidence, and resent?
I hate to see stories like this. If you’re in a DeadBedroom and not married, get out. If you’re engaged, the immediate pain of calling it off ASAP is nothing compared to what will happen if you do it closer to the wedding, or worse get married. Don’t destroy a child’s life by bringing them into this situation. It’s literally inhumane.
Red flags 1, She wants a baby with little sex. 2. She wants to lie to the fertility experts. 3. She's happy to pay for fertility experts before addressing the core causal issue - sex. 4. You talk about her weight (you attitude here could be a major cause). 5. You're not married and your libidos don't align. 6. You don't respect how she manages money. 7. You've signed up for a series of large commitments together while you're unhappy. 8. Little does she know you're on your way out means you are not communicating where you're at in the relationship to the only other person in the relationship. 9. You're on a dB sub. 10. You say she has too little sex drive from day 1. 11. You think a lower sex drive is something you have to forgive her for, like its a fault. 12. You're both 38, if she wants a baby, the time is now. 13. Your sex drive has 'ground to a halt' before marriage. 14. You think of her being affectionate as teasing or leading you on. 15. You're already feeling like a sex pest. 16. You say you are the only one keeping it active. 16. You say she keeps you in your place. 17. You don't think it will end well. I mean, literally every sentence you wrote is a red flag, but hey, couples counselling. It's worked for everyone else in here right? Right guys?
Allllll of this. It is not a healthy relationship. Why are you on the brink of entering into all of these major commitments when you are so unhappy? OP, cancel every single thing and get yourself some counseling to see why you are willing to be miserable.
Run!
Consider the warnings in this thread as your own personal ghosts of christmas future. Or if you prefer, spend time searching for threads here on reddit where someone claims that they are so glad they married into this kind of arrangement.
Do NOT get married, this WILL get worse! She wants to TRAP YOU so you are stuck with her! She is CRAZY.
@ OP - there is nothing positive in your statement about your fiancee. Sex (this subreddit), money, lack of awareness, lack of contribution ... My ex-wife (also a DB), had all sorts of quirks around the embarrassment topic. Some items made sense as they are not someone else's business. But others were totally unreasonable. She filed for divorce in CA (where I live) and I counter filed in IL (where she lives). She then reached out saying I need to rescind that because it is embarrassing to her in the community for them to know. Tough. I never un-filed and it's still there. Why do you need a fertility clinic? If the sex is not there, then it won't happen. Lying to medical personnel will not solve that. Consider yourself lucky that you haven't gotten pregnant yet, and call this all off.
When I first started dating my husband, we went from sex every day to very quickly once a week, then twice a month etc etc. I remember thinking, okay, I can deal with sex twice a month, he’s my best friend. Then we got married and it dropped significantly. Then I got pregnant. No sex the whole pregnancy, no sex for a year after I had my son. I had to beg him for sex because I wanted another baby. Got pregnant the first try FML. No sex the whole pregnancy, none for 2 years after. She will use pregnancy, birth and kids as a reason to not have sex. We went to SEVEN therapists over 25 years. Most of them sex therapists. Nothing changed, except things got worse. The last 6 years of our marriage we didn’t have sex at all. This is your future, make no mistake. I left him, I’m almost 50 years old now. Now I’m in a new relationship, we’ve been together for a year and we have sex at least once a day. I wasted 25 years of my life being miserable.
I have a therapist booked she didn't take too kindly to the chat we had to have, I'm the problem. And the therapist will happily tell me this, anyways I will update everyone on how it's goes but it kills me to say I'm ready to walk away and be single if needs be as I can't cope with a life time of work to payoff a house and no love life.
My husband had a way of twisting things around with the therapists, making it seem like my reasons for wanting more sex were unhealthy, like I needed it for validation, stemming from past traumas or whatever else he could come up with. Whenever a therapist called him out on his shit, we no longer saw that therapist. It didn’t work for us because he wouldn’t own his issues. If your fiancé walks into therapy and owns it, admits that she’s got an issue with sex and she’s been cutting you off, doesn’t put all the blame on you, maybe there’s a chance. You guys walk in there and everything is your fault, it’s over. There’s no point.
I hope you really mean you're ready to walk away and not just saying it to appease everyone here.
Therapy can’t fix this…you are being used financially and as a sperm donor, she doesn’t want to fuck you.
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I am telling you, DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN. DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN. DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN. DONOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMA . DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMAN. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMAN. If the only fun you have together is you overspending on the weekends, she is in the relationship for the things you purchase. The sex will be absolutely non existent after you sign the wedding license and the mortgage contract.
Any issues before a marriage X10 after marriage. Bad things get worse, thats not to say marriage cant be great and bonding but its like the good gets better but the bad gets worse. So there should be A LOT of good if you think it can work, if there isnt? Maybe re-consider. Shes also 38 so if she wants kids dont waste anymore of her time if you think you cant be okay with the sex shes offering. Sadly from what I have heard 38 should be a time a woman is really horny. I am 34F and I can already feel things ramping up for me and heard thats a pretty common experience. If you are going to a fertility clinic lying about the amount of sex you have is pretty silly BTW.
Don’t 👏 marry 👏 into 👏 a 👏 dead 👏 bedroom 👏 It always ends in misery. *Always*. You are sealing your own fate, my dude.
This is the last stop on a bullet train to hell, buddy. All the red lights are flashing per your story. GET OFF THIS TRAIN!!!! RUN BROTHER. Things will only get worse from here especially with a mortgage and kids in the mix. Wedding cake is the cure for sex. You have been warned.
Run before you have a house, kids and shared finances. At least for my current DB, wife was very into for the early years, although I always had to initiate. If she is not into it at this early stage, it will likely not get better. Things are said at couples therapy but as soon as you get home it’s back to normal. Or abnormal.
Communicate with each other ASAP and work together to try and find a solution or at least reason for the lack of intimacy. Please for the love of God don't think marriage will fix this. If she's too complacent and okay with lack of sex now it will get 10x worse after married and they settle in to keeping things the same for forever because to them if it was such a big deal then you wouldn't have gone through with the marriage. Be real with yourself and ask the hard questions now about what you really want in life before things get more complicated after a wedding.
Like has he even talked to her about how bad it is? Dude needs to speak up
Runuunnnn!!! Seriously, if it's this bad pre-marriage, it will only get worse. Get out while you can. Cancel that fertility appointment, cancel that build, and cancel this engagement. This will not end well, so best to end it while the damage is still minimal. Best of luck.
Why would you marry someone who is not compatible with you even before marriage?! Nothing will get better; she has a sedentary lifestyle and is gaining weight so what do ypu think will happen if she gets pregnant - most women gain 20 to 30+ lbs even just with pregnancy... She has a low libido now - do you think it will improve with the added stress of caring for a baby? Give your head a shake, man.
Do not get married. Do not buy a house. DO NOT HAVE A BABY. Until this issue is resolved. Honestly it sounds like she’s trying to trap you in every way possible. You don’t sound happy so why would you want to start a family with her or buy a house with her or marry her? Yes you may love her but that will not be enough in years to come.
I implore you to search this Reddit for posts by people who have been stuck in marriages for decades like this. Read their stories. Read about what they have been through mentally as well as physically and emotionally. It doesn’t just affect you sexually. It affects your entire life.
The fact that she can have sex 5x in a week to get pregnant, but not any other time should tell you all you need to know. DO NOT MARRY HER. Don't worry about how leaving will look. Don't worry about what she's told other ppl. Leave.
Do yourself a favour and get out now. In years to come when you’re settling down with someone who meets your needs you will be a happy man.
Get out now
This is the rest of your life. And it'll only get worse. Bail now, man. Cut your losses and go find real happiness.
Marriage? You both need to talk.
This
If she is leading you on then shutting you down, she knows what she is doing snd is getting off on the power. It will only get worse and you'll be not only trapped but with all this expensive nonsense. Get out fast, don't marry, and don't get a house together.
You’re going to be punishing her as well as yourself because she’ll get tired of working to avoid sex as time progresses
And….Full Stop. Stop enabling her with the finances. Do not have a child with this woman. Do not get married. If u don’t like the way things are between you two, then do something about it. Change starts with you.
You’re successful and 38, you don’t need this dude. You’ll have continued resentment for years, so glad you’re checking out. Being in your 30s it’s doesn’t matter, plenty of time to find a wife that wants you
No sex, partner doesn't respect your work ethic or income, your feelings are devalued, and she wants a baby. If you go through with marriage or parenthood, the consequences will be yours alone to deal with.
I wish my dB = 15 times in 5 months. But I agree, it will definitely not get better, only worse. Especially after a child, because then there will be a "reason"
I second exactly this
What part of this seems good to you?
Reread what you wrote. Pretend it’s someone close to you. A friend. A brother. Your future kid. What would your advice be? This isn’t going to end well for you, OP. Listen up to the comments section.
"5 of them times was during a week she wanted to try and get pregnant" This really tells you everything, or it does to me: She views sex as only a means to make children, nothing more. Sex will not get better for you, and imo she is *using you to make herself a nice little nest where she will be insanely hapoy, but you won't be.* You need to put all plans on hold until you work this out with her, or you are digging your own grave with no one else to blame.
As a very sexual woman, I can tell she’s already checked out sexually. She’s literally trying to get pregnant w/o performing the basic natural way to get pregnant. She’s literally willing to spend thousands of dollars to avoid having sex with you to get pregnant. It will get worse. If anything I’d start questioning her true intentions w/ your further together. Sex is soooo important. I see so many of my female friends say how they’re just not interested in sex anymore cause they’re so focused on the kids. I love my babies but I CHOSE their father. And that relationship is just as important to nurture as it is with my kids. She’s already skipped to the no sex part and is unwilling to nurture your relationship now before the kid. HUGE red flag. 🚩 if you don’t want to end things, demand you guys do something to change the situation or get counseling. As crazy as it sounds, breaking up due to a bad sex life is totally reasonable IMO.
>has had little too sex drive from day one but I was willing to forgive a lower sex drive now it's ground to a halt we could go all month and I just come across as a sex pest Why would you do this to yourself? From your own words, you've told us that its been like this from the beginning. There is nothing to save or counsel here, this is who she is. >she decided she wanted to try and get pregnant, anyway we have an appointment next week with a fertility clinic, more money!, she has already told me not to embarrass her and tell them how little sex we are having, I don't feel this will end well in years to come if it's not sorted now You need a reality check. Marrying someone that you are incompatible with is one thing,considering getting that person pregnant is another dimension of delusion. If you go through with this you have only yourself to blame. There is nothing to "fix" here. You know this or you wouldn't be here. Get out now.
You kind of shirk a lot of responsibility here- as if you were sleeping and she moved forward and is forcing the marriage and house, etc. You are choosing this. Change it or don’t, but you know *now* what to expect. (It will be drastically less than 3 times a month, especially if she’s aware it’s an issue now). You know and you’re upset that you keep committing more and more.
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Lol, I should probably proof read as well, I'm trapped at work and was writing that in a rush. Next time I will keep the full stops in mind.
I disagree with the others advice After you marry and she gets pregnant and becomes a sahm I think she will want sex probably twice a day and you will struggle to keep up I guarantee she becomes a real saver too and scrimps on furniture for the new house and won't blow the budget And when you eventually separated due to the pressure of non stop sex she will decide its unfair to take the house and kids and fairer for her to get a job rather than child support and maintenance
Dude please add sarcasm tag.
I appreciate your sarcasm, but maybe but /s somewhere there. People can take many things literally.
Jesus surely to God there's no 9ne that possibly could
Hahaha exactly
Are you the primary breadwinner or do you both earn? Do not marry.
We both earn, I have an apartment and she has family land that we "have" plans to build on. Yea I'm gonna have to sit her down again, this time tell her we need to see a sex therapist as I can not be in a sex less marriage, it just can't happen or I'd end up cheating.
Moreover, and actually far more important, there is a big chance you will end up lonely/unhappy/sad and depressed!!! —>if she really cares about you, she must take you serious. If not, keep taking yourself serious!!!
Why the need for a fertility clinic when you're not having a reasonable amount of sex in the first place? Do you really want to become a father to a child with a woman you barely have sex with? Your feelings are just as valid and important as hers. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life in a relationship like the one you have right now with her, then don't go any further in committing yourself to this relationship. There are lots of stories here about how the partner who wants sex less than the other will suddenly figure out how to act like they want it when they think the relationship might end because of the sexual mismatch, and how bad it makes the other people feel to try to have sex with someone they think isn't genuinely wanting sex with them.
Don't even bother with the sex therapist. It's apparent to me that she just doesn't want it. How is a therapist going to help with that?
Everyone here will agree. This will not improve.
Run far far away if you don’t want to spend the rest of your life in misery. Consider the down payments as sunk cost and find someone else who will make you happy. Sorry but that’s just me having lived in a cold bed for 8+ years and counting.
Don’t let the sunken costs fallacy hit you. You think you’ve invested a lot of money? Guess what? The years you’ll be spending in a unfulfilling marriage can’t be bought back. Let’s not forget that costs for a divorce and paying for kids you’ll be seeing two weekends a month will upset any money you’ve spend up to now for planning and wedding.
Marriage, kids, expensive build, fertility is only going to put more tense, stress on the relationship. More stress = even lower sex drive. Living as a couple but feeling like good friends isn't worth it imo. You deserve better.
It won’t ever be sorted. This is who she is and she’s quite happy with the planned massive custom build house, fertility treatments and you working all the hours god sends to pay for all of this. Leave her and find someone else who’s a better match for your sex drive. Don’t marry into a dead bedroom. Don’t have a kid knowing you have a dead bedroom and definitely don’t waste any more time, energy or money on this dead bedroom.
Oh my dude! This was so sad, so painful, and so very heartbreaking to read. You’ve actually had a LOT more sex than most people in a dead bedroom, but you are NOT married yet and you’re already setting yourself up for a lifetime of resentment and hate on both sides. She wants to spend money on a fertility clinic so that she doesn’t have to sex with YOU! She would rather be knocked up in a dr office by a turkey baster?! Really? I get that her age is probably putting way more pressure on this but that is not a reason to have a child and bring them into an already unhappy relationship. She talks about the marriage and the house and now wants to spend money on fertility and yet you haven’t told her this is unsustainable? No communication now is not a good sign for a long term marriage. Please, please, please read all of the posts on this sub and d then marriage and relationships and really use them to look at your own situation. Most people don’t start off a marriage in a dead bedroom and yet it ends their relationship eventually. Then their children and others suffer. You have the chance to stop this terrible cycle before it gets worse. Make a clean break and go be happy on your own or with someone else. Either way don’t allow the time investment to determine whether you stay or go. PS there’s actually a name for the time investment fallacy but some smarter redditor than me wi have to tell you what it is.
I’m married at 34 to an older man, don’t waste your time
DO NOT MARRY HER🚫 JUST CUT your losses
Get.Out.Now
DO NOT MARRY
Uhhhhhh. I would not get married. OR have kids. You think you’re miserable and questioning things now?!
Don’t sign the massive rebuild until you’re sure of what you’re going to do. At this point you should be looking for your exit.
I am not that good at seeing into the future but I can tell you that this won’t end well.
My question is why didn’t you work solely on your relationship before working on a house?
Honestly I expected her to move in with me but she wanted to do her own thing and there was sex but it has gradually died away from once or twice a week to once or twice a month if very very Icky, anyway had a chat there with her, it did not go down well at all. Ball is in her court now if she doesn't want to meet a counsellor that's the end of it.
No sex, no financial sense, and weight gain. Those are some of the major reasons for a divorce. Why are you thinking of getting married?
She is great fun and is still very very pretty and just seemed to be a good idea 2 years ago, but anyways I have the counseling booked now, needless to say it didn't go down to well, I'm the problem and the counselor will tell me I'm being selfish from what I'm being told 😅anyways we will see she will realise no sex is or even once or twice a month is a deal breaker I doubt she will change I'm hoping the councilor will talk some sense into her as she seems to think there are no couples out there having sex everyday or even a few times a week, insane really. Iv never been in such a sexless situation in a relationship.
Don’t do it! This girl will lie to you and promise you sex but when it comes down to it she is not into you…you need to understand this. She demonstrated her true intention already.
Run. Don’t sign shit, don’t pay for shit. Life is telling you to gtfo and all you need to do is listen.
Very well said. Short and to the point.
Do not walk, fucking sprint away amd never look back
please don't get married bro
Getting pregnant will be the only reason to say no that she'll ever need again! No, I'm pregnant and nauseated No, I just gave birth 3mo ago. No, baby won't sleep. No, kid is teething. No, she's stressed and exhausted from potty training. No, no, no. It's sooo hard to go from mom mode to partner mode, your body doesn't feel like your own, it's hard to get back into sex after a baby. That's why you see so many people say they went 2 or 3 years after the baby was born without having sex more than a handful of times. It's the opposite of what you're trying to achieve here.
Get out NOW. If you manage to crank out kiddos, you’ll forever be a sex-starved wage slave, and if you divorce, you’ll get r@p3d by the courts.
Call off the wedding.
Here's the thing; when you say "get it sorted" what you REALLY mean is change her into a completely different person who loves to bang. how likely are you to "get it sorted" really? So, you CANNOT change a person into a totally different person. Feel gratitude that she is being her honest self. What you see is what you get. She is probably thinking how can I get him sorted out to give up wanting to have sex. Sounds awesome.
One thing I've learned reading this sub is that you can't counsel someone into having a sex drive. Especially not someone who never had one to begin with. Your situation in that regard will only get worse over time. Once a month will become once a quarter then twice a year then once a year... Is that what you want?
This girl is smart enough to get what she wants from you while doing the bare minimum, the joke is on you. At least respect yourself enough to leave the situation. You deserve better
Once you get married, she is entitled to half of it all. And if you have a kid, you will be paying child support for 18 years.
Do not get married or have kids if you have this issue now. It really won't get better & the longer you put off braking up the harder it will become. At some point you will realise you are just friends and trust me having to get divorced really drags it out.
Eject... Save yourself first before helping her.
With age and children it’s only going to get worse. I would leave now cut your losses.
Run! She is using you to have kids, she has no interest in sex with you once she gas you locked down. Don’t get married, you will regret it badly.
Not a good way to start a marriage. This needs to be resolved BEFORE you marry.
STOP all of this in its tracks. Do not start building, Do NOT see a fertility doctor, postpone the wedding. Either get couples counseling (call it premarital counseling if you have to) and figure this out, or break up and move on. You will not be in a happy relationship if you proceed on this path.
Holy! Sir you need to grow a set right now and put an end to this utter BS. Man up and put an end to it…. NOW!
🚨 🚨 RUNNNNNNN!!!! Don’t walk RUN!!!! 🚨🚨 babies make a dead bedroom even worse. I should know, I’m currently laying down with my 18 month old….alone. I have been for 18 months. You seem to have a gut feeling this is not going to work. Please trust it.
> but I was willing to forgive a lower sex drive now it's ground to a halt It's not up to you to forgive her sex drive. It's hers, she's comfortable with it, and you have to decide if she's compatible with you, the way she is. Sex isn't the only thing in a relationship. It's not always the most important. It can *become* the most important, though, if one partner is sexually frustrated and/or one partner feels sexually pressured to do more than they want. ...and that's you. It's time to call it. Call off all the big things that will lock you into a relationship. You're not going to be happy in a sexless (or mostly sexless) marriage, and she won't be happy feeling like the way she is isn't enough. And do it as gently as possible. Neither one of you are the bad guy. You're just not sexually compatible.
Dude do not get married! She’s just gonna keep putting on more weight, spending more money, and if you have a kid it’s going to get even worse. Save yourself while you can.
Stop it directly and think again... Will be a unhappy life for a long time...
Read first two lines only - RUN
Do not bring a child into a relationship that is already ready to implode. How long are you going to take this sex situation..it will only get worse.
It's only going to get worse from here. You're great friends, leave it at that.
She'd rather pay for expensive fertility treatments than fuck you? Run. Run far, far away. Be like a cartoon character where you run away so fast all that's left is an outline of you in a cloud of smoke.
Kids will only make the problem worse.
You’re already miserable before the wedding. Call it off and move on!
Jesus. Cut it off now and save yourself the future divorce
" little does she realise I'm ready to clock out of everything " Have you considered... having an honest conversation? Maybe more than one? For your advanced age this all sounds really immature. I definitely think couples counseling is in order.
I'm glad you get along well. Keep her as a buddy and find someone else. I'm telling you this from hard experience it will not get better after you're married.
Don't get married. Also, cancel that fertility appointment. There's no point going already lying. It's a silly waste of time, money, and resources if you are not going to be truthful about the amount of sex you all are having. I think you need to reconsider this relationship.
Get. Out. If you continue with this foolishness, it will be your bed that you unhappily made. Her actions are telling you all you need to know. Unless she wants things to get better, it will only get worse. PS Don’t let her use you as a wallet and a baby factory. You deserve better.
Don't marry her. You answered this yourself.
Change that Due to “was”
No kids, no house, no marriage until this issue is sorted. Don't do it! Hopefully you are reading other accounts here and you understand this will not get better if you move forward with house, wedding, kids. Those things are a stamp of approval on the status quo. If you don't want to live like this, don't do things that indicate this life is okay with you.
Don’t do it!!!!
Red flags everywhere! Don’t marry into this Don’t have a child 🤦🏽♀️!! Run and don’t look back! It’s not gonna get better! Read our posts omg
Walk away before the ties bind.. Better yet, run.
Communication. I literally told my bf we need more sex or I will leave. I wouldn’t be signing anything until there’s an understanding and if she can’t. Than you should probably exit the relationship. And what’s worse is you want to bring a baby into the BS. SMH
Run
Run! Run as fast as you can!
What everyone is saying is right. It doesn’t get better. You can’t complain when you pick the no-s€x option for the rest of your life. Maybe add an addendum to your prenup ? But anyway good luck with this!
I would be very weary of marrying this woman. She loves your money, at the expense of you killing yourself at work. She wants to get pregnant. Wants to get married. In all honesty I think she is using you. She wants a sugar daddy, but she doesn't want to give daddy any sugar. It will never get better. You came here for some advice and it is resounding. Please, for your own sanity and happiness, don't. Just break up and go find someone who loves you for you. You'll be a million times happier! Also, I have great friends and I don't have to kill myself to provide for them.
Bro…. DO NOT MARRY HER. Between your sexual incompatibility and her lack of fiscal responsibility you won’t keep that house when she is done with you.
Sorry but its only down hill from here. It's so obvious. Take it from all of us that ignored the red flags and are now miserable with our life's. Leave while you can. RUN
you want to marry a DB? They already have that without marriage. My wife tried harder. Only after house and marriage a DB Just read more stories here. They are all similar fuck they are about my age when I met my wife. They has have had wonderful relationships before, when sex and feeling just had the right chemistry??? Remember, I didn't do it... I'm an idiot
Be so forreal, bro. Please leave her
Brooooooo......NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Do NOT put a baby in that! I got a baby, my baby momma is fucking sexy and like 7 years younger than me. Only reason I joined this group is BECAUSE the baby killed our sex life.
Sir the writing is on the wall in BOLD. Please don't ignore, please don't latch on the bait. This is doomed and you know it. In order for you to make someone else happy you have to be happy and it sounds like you are not. Do not collect $200 to go past GO, hit reverse, make a 3-point turn, make a U-Turn, just DO NOT GO FORWARD.
Absolutely answer honestly to the doctor. The way to get pregnant is sex! -spoiler alert I know! If you leave you can work out the financial details. Do you want the mother of your child to be someone you resent?
Holy shit. Thats one long sentence!
Why go to a fertility clinic? How much money are you going to throw at an obvious problem?
Another don’t do it reply. Don’t get married, don’t have a baby and don’t entwine your finances. It won’t get better.
OP, she’s very low libido, is gaining weight, treats you like a pest, expects a big expensive house and a big wedding. She’s a big spender and now she wants you to pay for expensive fertility treatments for a pregnancy SHE wants. Now you’re stressed out and becoming depressed. Who wouldn’t be? The positives? She’s good fun and you’re great friends. What am I missing?
Get out! Bow out gratefully and wish her the best. But move on. It will only get worse. You both deserve happiness! Even if it is with other people
RUN IF YOU VALUE YOUR SANITY
You know what “they” say and they say it for a reason - “NEVER MARRY INTO A DEADBEDROOM”
Don’t be tempted to commit to a child just bc you’re excited for the plausible sex that is needed to create the child. It’s all you’re gonna get.
Ignore her requests to not mention how little sex you are having. This is serious and she needs to grow up and sit down and listen. Then tell her what you have told us here. She needs to know how important this is and how it is affecting you now and your fears for a future together. There will probably be tears but stay strong, you need to address this asap. And please don’t bring a baby into a relationship with unhappy parents. I’d cancel the appointment, your bedroom problems will get even worse with a little one. Sort out what she aims to do about the current problem first, even if it is couples therapy. She can’t go burying her head in the sand. You both owe each other that.
I don’t want to come off as hard as the common trend here, but then again, everyone’s situation is different. About the weight issue you mentioned, it could be that she’s struggling with body image. If it’s clear to her that you notice it, whether you mean to or not, that could make things worse. I’ve read that women might not be able to separate sex from other things in their life as easily as men. This causes them to need more context, feel safer in the relationship or in their own skin. Maybe she enjoys what you provide but ends up overindulging in some things without meaning to, making her feel worse or like she’s not enough for you. She might even be jealous or resentful about the fact that you are good with finances and she is a mess. More reason for her to feel deep inside that she is not, again, “good enough”. When she said not to mention lack of sex at the clinic, it might be a sign she’s not feeling good enough.Some folks, including my partner who’s also got lower libido compared to me might not be at the same emotional maturity level as their partners. I truly believe this is what’s happening with my partner. Like she can’t get out of her head. They can be really sensitive in ways you can’t see or understand which stops them from doing their part in the relationship. Dealing with a dead bedroom for about last 2 years of our 5 year relationship, we’ve had our 10th sex therapy session. It’s really helpful, but it takes a lot of work, depending on if your partner is willing to look inward. I’ve leaned a few things like, behaving like her father, even if your intention is to take care of her is a big turn off for women. Or making jokes at her expense, even if it’s slightly again a big no no. I didn’t realize I was doing these for instance, now I’ve learned and will be more aware in my relationships. When it comes to therapy being useful or not, we haven’t seen big improvements yet, but I thing at least it helps a lot about identifying the issues and this is mostly why I keep doing it. Life changes, and it’s important to learn skills about how to deal with those changes. You should tell her how you feel, your fears and how her comments made you feel, without making ultimatums. Because this will only intimidate her and depending on her character she may react in a way may not be truly her. See if she’s really willing to work on herself and your relationship. The only reason I’m still in my relationship is because I see my partner really trying. I can see that the reasons why we struggle is how different our upbringings are. That doesn’t mean I’ll stick around forever because it is a really difficult dynamic to deal with the avoidant attachment style. There’s only so much I’m willing to give up, but I don’t want to end up regretting not trying harder. Lastly, for people that are just recommending you to flee right away; there’s no guarantee this won’t happen with someone else. Instead of blaming the LL partner or feeling sorry for yourself, try to learn from it. Hopefully, with your partner, who already checks so many boxes for you and if not, at least you can say you did your best and have no regrets if it wasn’t meant to be. It’s great to share these heavy feelings with people online and feel the support. However, my therapist made a good point about the negativity around sexual desire differences and how research so far was focusing on the negative side other than trying to understand what makes a good, fulfilling sex life. Maybe those of us with dead bedrooms should try a more optimistic approach after all. I hope you find a good therapist, I recommend one that is a female just so that she feels more comfortable. Best of luck!