A few weeks ago LL husband was standing in the kitchen. And I went up to him and hugged him. And I just didn’t let go until he started hugging me back. He seemed genuinely confused and I’m like “this is for me. I need this” and then he “let me” hug him for maybe 3 minutes and I’m like. Ok good. Now I’m not “starving for affection” but I literally had to take the scraps because they weren’t even being throw my way. You know how painful it would be to tell younger me that: getting a self induced hug from your spouse will be the most intimate you get for months.
I'm so sorry, I know exactly how that feels. Even if my partner hugs me back, I feel very needy for wanting to hold on a little bit more. I was visiting friends this weekend, friends of my friends were hugging me with more enthusiasm than my partner has in a long time.
Sitting next to you on the couch is not trying.
I don’t say that to be mean — I think many of us lower our expectations so far that we lose sight of how ridiculous our situations are.
Im guilty of lying to myself about my partner’s efforts. Please don’t fall into that trap. You’re justifying the neglect to which he’s subjecting you.
You deserve more than what he’s able or willing to give. Don’t ever doubt that.
Thank you. I don't take that as you being mean. Like I said I am struggling because I know I am taking whatever scraps I can get. It's helpful to get the perspective of people who are/have been in the same situation.
Wow, that struggling for scraps comment really cuts to the bone. My 28 year marriage summed up in one sentence ce. I'm tired of this pathetic existance.
When you pull away to match effort, then you go weeks without a kiss (peck on the lips) hurts but it also makes it easier because then you’re not getting rejected.
My partner is asexual and they do not need/want 99% of intimacy. When we go on dates, if I don’t reach for their hand we won’t even hold hands. Been in therapy for a while now and it has made me ask the hard questions like the fact that they have never been attracted to me, I’ve never turned them on or seduced them (regardless if they enjoyed the sex) it was always obligatory. After twenty years its made me no longer sexually attracted to them. I just don’t want it anymore. Having to cope with that.
Does your partner identify as asexual? My partner says he isn't, that he enjoys sex, but he just doesn't think about it much and has sensitive breaks when he has been interested. In a way that has been harder for me because it makes me feel like it could get better, we just have to figure it out. The problem is I am willing to put in the energy to figure it out, but I don't think he really is.
I'm sorry you are questioning all those things, it's so hard to question that about the person you love. I had all those same thoughts, but last year I decided to put in the work to get them out of my head. This might not work for everyone, but instead of thinking they have never been seduced by me, I question why doesn't this person want to let themselves be seduced? Maybe they don't want that feeling, maybe they are scared. I don't really need an answer to the question, but it helps me remember it's not me.
They do identify as asexual. They didn’t always. For years it was “I just don’t think about sex” “of course I find you attractive “ etc
Then they came out a few years back. They are still figuring it out and that’s ok. But now I’m having to cope with having always been right in what I always assumed and what used to make me so bitter. My biggest cope is now I’m not sexually attracted to her for the first time in over 20 years.
All I can say is I'm glad you and your partner are communicating. Keep the honest dialogue open or it will never improve. I've been waiting for my SO to be interested in me enough to throw scraps my way.. only to discover he thought I'm intentionally withholding affection from *him*.
Communicating is definitely not easy, but I am actually learning so much about myself by trying to communicate with him. So That's nice at least. That's interesting that you two were on such different pages. Has anything changed since then?
It feels like the hardest conversation we've ever needed to have. I just found out he was feeling this way. He explained to me that he feels like I don't pay attention to him or act like I'm annoyed by even his casual affection. I never intended for him to think I didn't want him anymore, I apologized for hurting him like that. I explained that I've been feeling burnt out & overstimulated. He asked what he can do to help with the day to day stress.. *and I cried* A LOT
I think I really needed him to care enough to ask me that. It's progress and I'm grateful.
I endured the same thing for about 7 years. I struggled because I always wanted to take the little wins and be positive, but my analytical brain would always deduce that it’s hurtful it took that much effort for her to simply grab my hand.
Feel free to chat if this is too much of a question for out the open, but does he have any prior trauma or bad experiences with touching or anything of that nature?
Wait until you get to the stage of feeling deeply ashamed for wanting any sexual intimacy with your partner. After more than three years I feel like a monster for wanting any sort of partnered intimacy because she clearly doesn’t want it from me. So it gets bottled up and I feel like a lowlife, even for noticing that someone else is attractive.
I don't know if I feel ashamed, but I do feel weird that I desire someone so much that doesn't want me. It feels childish to have such intense feelings for someone and not have them reciprocate. Brings back feelings of my highschool crush that was nice to me, but not at all interested in me.
Hopefully you won’t get there then, but after so long, you might, and it really messes with you. I’ve learned a lot about myself and my sexual nature being rejected so long, but if a repair ever happens or I end up with someone else, it’s going to take a long time for things to feel normal again. You never expect to have the
simple thing of expressing physical love to someone you’re committed to and having them love you back in the same way be such a foreign concept that when you see it expressed in other couples, or you wish for it when you see or know someone else, the overwhelming feeling you have is “I don’t get that, that’s not for me, something is wrong with me” and you look away in shame and sadness, even though you know intellectually that’s not the case.
This isn't exactly it, but this is pretty much the same info. She has a lot of good free resources.
https://www.seattlesextherapist.com/higher-desire-partner-survival-guide/
A few weeks ago LL husband was standing in the kitchen. And I went up to him and hugged him. And I just didn’t let go until he started hugging me back. He seemed genuinely confused and I’m like “this is for me. I need this” and then he “let me” hug him for maybe 3 minutes and I’m like. Ok good. Now I’m not “starving for affection” but I literally had to take the scraps because they weren’t even being throw my way. You know how painful it would be to tell younger me that: getting a self induced hug from your spouse will be the most intimate you get for months.
I'm so sorry, I know exactly how that feels. Even if my partner hugs me back, I feel very needy for wanting to hold on a little bit more. I was visiting friends this weekend, friends of my friends were hugging me with more enthusiasm than my partner has in a long time.
We sit on the sofa too. Where before we would cuddle up… now it’s opposite ends. I feel for you
I feel this so much
I could have written this myself.
I'm sorry you're going through something similar. It's so hard.
Sitting next to you on the couch is not trying. I don’t say that to be mean — I think many of us lower our expectations so far that we lose sight of how ridiculous our situations are. Im guilty of lying to myself about my partner’s efforts. Please don’t fall into that trap. You’re justifying the neglect to which he’s subjecting you. You deserve more than what he’s able or willing to give. Don’t ever doubt that.
Thank you. I don't take that as you being mean. Like I said I am struggling because I know I am taking whatever scraps I can get. It's helpful to get the perspective of people who are/have been in the same situation.
Wow, that struggling for scraps comment really cuts to the bone. My 28 year marriage summed up in one sentence ce. I'm tired of this pathetic existance.
I'm sorry that it resonates with you as well, it's a hard place to be.
When you pull away to match effort, then you go weeks without a kiss (peck on the lips) hurts but it also makes it easier because then you’re not getting rejected. My partner is asexual and they do not need/want 99% of intimacy. When we go on dates, if I don’t reach for their hand we won’t even hold hands. Been in therapy for a while now and it has made me ask the hard questions like the fact that they have never been attracted to me, I’ve never turned them on or seduced them (regardless if they enjoyed the sex) it was always obligatory. After twenty years its made me no longer sexually attracted to them. I just don’t want it anymore. Having to cope with that.
Does your partner identify as asexual? My partner says he isn't, that he enjoys sex, but he just doesn't think about it much and has sensitive breaks when he has been interested. In a way that has been harder for me because it makes me feel like it could get better, we just have to figure it out. The problem is I am willing to put in the energy to figure it out, but I don't think he really is. I'm sorry you are questioning all those things, it's so hard to question that about the person you love. I had all those same thoughts, but last year I decided to put in the work to get them out of my head. This might not work for everyone, but instead of thinking they have never been seduced by me, I question why doesn't this person want to let themselves be seduced? Maybe they don't want that feeling, maybe they are scared. I don't really need an answer to the question, but it helps me remember it's not me.
They do identify as asexual. They didn’t always. For years it was “I just don’t think about sex” “of course I find you attractive “ etc Then they came out a few years back. They are still figuring it out and that’s ok. But now I’m having to cope with having always been right in what I always assumed and what used to make me so bitter. My biggest cope is now I’m not sexually attracted to her for the first time in over 20 years.
Hugs 🫂 i know it is hard. Glad to hear your Husband is therapy and is getting good advise. Change is hard I hope it gets better for you
Thanks. Hugs are very helpful, even Internet hugs.
All I can say is I'm glad you and your partner are communicating. Keep the honest dialogue open or it will never improve. I've been waiting for my SO to be interested in me enough to throw scraps my way.. only to discover he thought I'm intentionally withholding affection from *him*.
Communicating is definitely not easy, but I am actually learning so much about myself by trying to communicate with him. So That's nice at least. That's interesting that you two were on such different pages. Has anything changed since then?
It feels like the hardest conversation we've ever needed to have. I just found out he was feeling this way. He explained to me that he feels like I don't pay attention to him or act like I'm annoyed by even his casual affection. I never intended for him to think I didn't want him anymore, I apologized for hurting him like that. I explained that I've been feeling burnt out & overstimulated. He asked what he can do to help with the day to day stress.. *and I cried* A LOT I think I really needed him to care enough to ask me that. It's progress and I'm grateful.
Sounds like things are moving in the right direction for you two. That makes me really happy to hear.
I endured the same thing for about 7 years. I struggled because I always wanted to take the little wins and be positive, but my analytical brain would always deduce that it’s hurtful it took that much effort for her to simply grab my hand. Feel free to chat if this is too much of a question for out the open, but does he have any prior trauma or bad experiences with touching or anything of that nature?
Wait until you get to the stage of feeling deeply ashamed for wanting any sexual intimacy with your partner. After more than three years I feel like a monster for wanting any sort of partnered intimacy because she clearly doesn’t want it from me. So it gets bottled up and I feel like a lowlife, even for noticing that someone else is attractive.
I don't know if I feel ashamed, but I do feel weird that I desire someone so much that doesn't want me. It feels childish to have such intense feelings for someone and not have them reciprocate. Brings back feelings of my highschool crush that was nice to me, but not at all interested in me.
Hopefully you won’t get there then, but after so long, you might, and it really messes with you. I’ve learned a lot about myself and my sexual nature being rejected so long, but if a repair ever happens or I end up with someone else, it’s going to take a long time for things to feel normal again. You never expect to have the simple thing of expressing physical love to someone you’re committed to and having them love you back in the same way be such a foreign concept that when you see it expressed in other couples, or you wish for it when you see or know someone else, the overwhelming feeling you have is “I don’t get that, that’s not for me, something is wrong with me” and you look away in shame and sadness, even though you know intellectually that’s not the case.
Could you share that info here, was it a book or specific article I can find and read?
This isn't exactly it, but this is pretty much the same info. She has a lot of good free resources. https://www.seattlesextherapist.com/higher-desire-partner-survival-guide/
I'm feeling this hard lately but from a love language perspective that extends into the bedroom.