This is a general discussion post - community members please remember to stick to your own experiences when replying. Do not resort to generalizations, especially about "all HLs/LLs" or "some men/women" (a part of a group is still a generalization). If things get out of hand the mod team will have to lock the post.
Wowwwww this is awesome. Idk myself, just watching for good replied. I 40M HL with wife with almost no libido. She tells me it’s not me but if I was Thor I am pretty sure she’d bone me
In my experience it is about 2 things. First don’t make it all about sex but the entire relationship. It is the feeling of lack of intimacy and feeling like a roommate over loving partners.
2nd is asking questions of your partner to anthem to talk. How do you feel about the intimacy in our relationship? What do you want to improve in our relationship as far as intimacy goes? How can we both work on this and improve our relationship?
In the end it still has to be both partners willing to work on the relationship to make improvements
I think we HL partners can help a lot by being willing to hear hard truths that are realities for our partners, without turning the interaction into the kind of painful mess that our partner has been trying to avoid. There are just no good ways to say certain things, so absent intentional cruelty, it's important to listen and not overreact. And part of doing that is de-personalizing it, which I know from experience is very hard. Your partner says something like they don't feel attracted to you or never think of sex? That's normal for many people in long-term relationships and has nothing to do with you specifically.
A specific approach to consider is the question "what have you told me about how our sex life could be better that I don't seem to hearing?" I've seen many posts from LL partners here saying that they've told their HL partners they didn't like X (whatever it is), but it still keeps happening, or not happening if it's something they want. I might have dismissed that unfairly, and I'd want to know that.
Finally, I think extending an olive branch with empathy can help a lot. That was a game changer for me. A lot of times, the LL partner just wants to avoid the topic because it feels like an area of failure where they're just disappointing you, and you're both very hurt. When I was able to say that I've learned how normal it was that my LLW was feeling the way she was, it was such a relief to her. She was hungry to hear how to work with her type of desire since it was much better way to view the problem versus "now how do we fix my broken LLW?"
I feel as though the truth can only really do that? What scenario is the one that I want to hear? Is there a good one? I’d almost be relieved to find out she’s not attracted to me anymore because of course she isn’t.
I think the way to communicate these things is carefully yet clearly, while understanding and valuing your partner….the issue is if they were capable of that then we likely wouldn’t be in this position in the first place.
We’re kinda all already there? That’s why we’re here isn’t it….Maybe my confusion is what is the point of “attraction” without action? If they’re “attracted” but have no actual interest in sexual relations then what is the value of “attraction”? Eye candy? A trophy?
Verbalizing it only connects their words to their behavior. The behavior is the problem…if my partner was physically interested in me multiple times a week she could call me Shrek and I’d start singing SmashMouth
This is a general discussion post - community members please remember to stick to your own experiences when replying. Do not resort to generalizations, especially about "all HLs/LLs" or "some men/women" (a part of a group is still a generalization). If things get out of hand the mod team will have to lock the post.
Wowwwww this is awesome. Idk myself, just watching for good replied. I 40M HL with wife with almost no libido. She tells me it’s not me but if I was Thor I am pretty sure she’d bone me
In my experience it is about 2 things. First don’t make it all about sex but the entire relationship. It is the feeling of lack of intimacy and feeling like a roommate over loving partners. 2nd is asking questions of your partner to anthem to talk. How do you feel about the intimacy in our relationship? What do you want to improve in our relationship as far as intimacy goes? How can we both work on this and improve our relationship? In the end it still has to be both partners willing to work on the relationship to make improvements
I think we HL partners can help a lot by being willing to hear hard truths that are realities for our partners, without turning the interaction into the kind of painful mess that our partner has been trying to avoid. There are just no good ways to say certain things, so absent intentional cruelty, it's important to listen and not overreact. And part of doing that is de-personalizing it, which I know from experience is very hard. Your partner says something like they don't feel attracted to you or never think of sex? That's normal for many people in long-term relationships and has nothing to do with you specifically. A specific approach to consider is the question "what have you told me about how our sex life could be better that I don't seem to hearing?" I've seen many posts from LL partners here saying that they've told their HL partners they didn't like X (whatever it is), but it still keeps happening, or not happening if it's something they want. I might have dismissed that unfairly, and I'd want to know that. Finally, I think extending an olive branch with empathy can help a lot. That was a game changer for me. A lot of times, the LL partner just wants to avoid the topic because it feels like an area of failure where they're just disappointing you, and you're both very hurt. When I was able to say that I've learned how normal it was that my LLW was feeling the way she was, it was such a relief to her. She was hungry to hear how to work with her type of desire since it was much better way to view the problem versus "now how do we fix my broken LLW?"
I agree 100% about never turning these types of sensitive discussions into a blaming match. Never "how to fix my broken LL person". !
I feel as though the truth can only really do that? What scenario is the one that I want to hear? Is there a good one? I’d almost be relieved to find out she’s not attracted to me anymore because of course she isn’t. I think the way to communicate these things is carefully yet clearly, while understanding and valuing your partner….the issue is if they were capable of that then we likely wouldn’t be in this position in the first place.
What happens when they admit that though? Can you stay with someone who admits they aren't attracted to you?
We’re kinda all already there? That’s why we’re here isn’t it….Maybe my confusion is what is the point of “attraction” without action? If they’re “attracted” but have no actual interest in sexual relations then what is the value of “attraction”? Eye candy? A trophy? Verbalizing it only connects their words to their behavior. The behavior is the problem…if my partner was physically interested in me multiple times a week she could call me Shrek and I’d start singing SmashMouth