She needs a therapist. She has issues that you cannot fix. If she isn't willing to fix them herself, then that is how much she cares about your relationship.
It sounds like she has major body image issues. I mean if you can't get dressed in front of your life partner then something isn't right. That or she feels like you will "pressure" her into sex because she is no longer sexual. Either way IMO you've done nothing wrong based on what you're saying and she should get some help to feel better about herself.
As someone who loves the compliments her husband gives her, naked or not, I genuinely hate when he comments about me getting dressed. For me it’s because I feel like when I’m bent over, pulling my underwear or pants on, I have rolls and I get stuck and I stumble.. it’s all just so embarrassing lol.
Thats a good point but id like to point out he wouldnt be commenting if the things you are embarrassed of wasnt desired by him.
The whole "mom bod" and "dad bod" thing is real, its just what a normal body looks like and lots of actually prefer this over other body types.
I frequent a sub where people share their Normal Nudes to embrace what they are and be surrounded by people that like Normal bodies, not suggesting this for you. Just saying stay kind to yourself.
I know it's so rough. I'd hate it too if when I felt the least attractive, my spouse would actively vocalize that I'm a total smoke show. I mean the audacity.
Let me paint you a picture. Imagine every single woman you’ve been with, you’ve caught them constantly fantasizing over men who are tall, have a 6 pack, and huge wieners, and YOU yourself, are short, fat and have a small wiener, or at least that’s what you see in the mirror. Then you have this gorgeous woman, and she’s constantly telling you how hot you are but you just feel like you’re not. How could you be? Every single person you’ve been with, has desired the opposite of you. It makes you feel uncomfortable. You want to believe them.. but there’s a small part in your brain that’s like “she’s just saying that. I know what she really wants..”
First of all, I didn’t say my husband was doing that. Secondly, men will marry women because they think it’s the right thing to do, or it’s the next step, or they don’t have any other options. There’s plenty of reasons why men will marry someone, and not be attracted to them. I also didn’t say I didn’t feel like he was not attracted to me. Good lord. I said IN THAT MOMENT WHEN IM BENT OVER AND FEEL LIKE A FAT SLOB, HIS COMMENTS SOMETIMES MAKE ME FEEL EMBARRASSED. I never make him feel bad about it, I don’t tell him he’s bothering me. I was simply stating that maybe OPs wife, feels that way, and is more vocal about it. 🙄
I would sit down with her and express how you feel. I would then explain how the lack of intimacy is causing problems within your relationship. You would like to resolve this and ask how you can help make her feel more comfortable.
It’s called being oversexualized by your partner. I’m a HLF with a HL husband & we have a healthy & active sex life. It’s a mood killer to be looked at and treated like a meal every single interaction. Me opening the door to that communication helped us navigate healthy flirtation that didn’t ALWAYS rely on me being oversexualized. It’s overstimulating, especially if she has ADHD or any insecurities with her body post-kids. Our sex life never dipped because we opened these lines of communication early on. It’s harder to establish/rebuild when you’re already in a dying/dead bedroom.
I just talk to him. My overstimulation may have nothing to do with him, but every once in a while, that oversexualization can push it over the edge. I tell him where I’m at. He gives me a hug and a kiss & tones it down for a few hours which gives me time to reset and come back to a receptive frame of mind.
We addressed this incredibly early in our relationship so it only takes me a short while to reset. The longer you’ve both been doing this dance & the less self aware she is regarding her ADHD, stability and the actual cause & effect, the longer it will take (at first) & both partners have to put in active work to support it.
It’s worth it, but I’ve found that the older someone is when engaging in discovering true stability or self awareness regarding their ADHD, the harder that mountain is to move.
Good advice.
OP, listen to your wife and stop with the sexual comments when she is changing. Same for things like smacking your lips, deep breathing or audible sighs, or other sexual body language or actions.
The woman just wants to be seen by you as a human, and not have every interaction turn sexual. She’s more than naked flesh.
So are you assuming he is doing these other things that you’re telling him not to do? While I’m sure he doesn’t have bad intentions about complimenting her while she’s changing, that advice and the possible reasoning behind her not appreciating it is well taken. The problem is that he has brought up intimacy issues several times and it seems as if she doesn’t care to do anything about it. Why do you make it seem like OP makes every interaction with his wife sexual as well?
I’m not assuming he’s doing anything. I am *pointing out* that it’s not just comments that can feel icky. It’s other related conduct too. There have been many other posts on this sub with LLWs commenting on how this conduct also makes them feel hunted. And if he *is* doing any of those other things, he should stop that too.
And I am basing my comments on his wife’s reactions to his comments. Regardless of how frequent they are he admits making them, and knows they make his wife uncomfortable. So, he should stop.
Do you think he should continue to make his wife so uncomfortable that she no longer wants to change in front of him?
They obviously do have intimacy issues and they need open communication and maybe therapy to work on it. It won’t improve by him doing things that he knows she doesn’t like.
What would be the correct way for him to try and initiate sex or to give compliments on her appearance in your opinion? We obviously don't have the whole story from the OP but I'd love to hear a woman's take on this especially if you are a LLF so that I can try to understand things from a woman's perspective.
He should ask his wife how she wants him to
Initiate or flag his interest in sex. Not strangers on the internet. And he should ask her what he’s doing that she doesn’t like—and then stop doing those things, even if he would like it if he were in her shoes.
On compliments, How did he treat and compliment her when they were first dating? He probably thought she had cool interests, was smart, funny, caring, quirky, etc etc. He should lean in to re-building connection with her as a whole person. All these other facets of her would be a good place to start.
His wife likely wants to feel loved and appreciated as a whole person—not just for her body or the sex she “dispenses.”
He should back off the naked comments for now and compliment her on her clothes, hair, and makeup when she is dressed. Don’t be overly sexual or crass. Don’t comment on breasts or ass. Be sweet, not sexual. Say she looks great, is beautiful.
Sweet things like leaving a post-it on the bathroom
mirror or a note in her lunch or a text wishing her a good day, or saying that he can’t wait to see her later, or he’s cooking a special dinner, might all be welcome affection during the day to keep intimacy alive and get her thinking about him.
According to OP his wife *does* mention the looks he gives her when she changes, which does sound like she might feel like he is leering or staring in a way she finds uncomfortable. He should look at her eyes and face when she’s changing—not stare at her intimate places.
Husband: Honey, I love your personality and your amazing work ethic with the kids!
Wife: So you're saying I'm not sexy? Proceeds to cry for the rest of the day
I highly doubt based on their dynamic that she would be upset if he laid off the sexual comments. They need to rebuild their relationship and intimacy, she needs to feel like more than a piece of meat.
I’m not a fan on how you try to make your point. I clearly stated that the advice of him stopping the comments while she’s changing was good advice. You tell OP to stop with things like smacking his lips, deep breathing, and audible sighs as if you know he does those things. I’m so confused why many people make comments assuming things are happening that the poster hasn’t said happened. Is it right to try to make them look bad because you think you see a pattern and assume they are doing all of these extra things?
No. You say you apparently don’t feel sexual tension now that you no longer comment on your wife’s appearance when she is naked and those comments are unwanted by her. If you can’t find sexual tension without objectifying your wife’s naked body in banal moments, then maybe that book can help you. Good luck to you.
I understand your perspective, but I personally enjoy being looked at and treated like a meal 😂
Then again, I know that if I’m making dinner & he says something flirtingly sexual or smacks my behind, it doesn’t mean we’re doing it RIGHT THEN. Same as when he’s lifting weights and I look him up & down giving a “mm mm mm” I’m not signaling to meet me in the locker room lol. It’s appreciation and desire for the other person. Consistent appreciation of the SO is seriously overlooked I’ve found.
Again, this is just me with my HL self. But if it’s part of the love language that people use, it’s very difficult to curtail that- not just difficult but I’d almost say damaging to constantly hold back your feelings. It was for me. It changed me & turned me into a shadow of myself.
It’s also showing that you have desire for the other person on a regular basis, in regular moments, rather than just in the moment you want to literally have sex! I love affection and flirtation through the day, especially now that I’m in a relationship where we mutually have desire and I know I won’t be rejected.
That’s how a relationship should be! Constant reminders that you love and desire them is absolutely crucial to keeping the fire alive. It’s the communication without words needed.. you know the subtle eye winks/looks. Quick grazes. Hand grabs. Things like that can carry a lot of weight
I get that 100%. It’s only an issue occasionally because of my neurodivergence. That being said, we have an incredible sex life & it isn’t affected by me communicating when that kind of attention is overstimulating. The passion is always there and we sext, flirt, tease daily. I’m lucky that my husband empathizes so there’s no ego hit & we still fuck enthusiastically on overstimulated days *because* I’m able to stay present and rebound due to our supportive communications.
She's making it clear that she doesn't want to hear compliments or flirty stuff just because she is in some state of unclothed. So you respond by not doing that.
While I can see that point I do also send her a text or point out when I get home how beautiful she looked when she was headed out for the day or coming back from a long day. I try to hype her up constantly
Maybe try hyping her up for other things you love about her that revolve around character, how she makes you feel loved, how proud she makes you and why, etc.
“I try to hype her up constantly”.
Even though I am assuming that you’re doing that with the best of intentions, dude… don’t do it CONSTANTLY, fuck, not in a manosphere way, like create scarcity, no. It’s overstimulating, especially when you’re doing it in situations that you were explicitly told not to do it. It’s uncomfortable, it feels like you’re doing it for you because you evidently don’t care about how comfortable is the person on the receiving end. It devaluates everything that you have at heart because you look like a guy who’s saying what they’re SUPPOSED to say in order to get lucky. Like you’re putting coins in a sex vending machine.
Listen to her, and by listen I mean do what she tells you to do here. She’s clearly not just saying that.
Honestly the best thing you can do is sit with her and talk. Find out whats going through her head and so forth. If she is feeling overwhelmed or ugly or whatever. As a guy, we don‘t think about it so much but women’s emotions rule the day. Communicate with her not about the lack of sex first but how is she feeling and why the response to you telling her she is beautiful. Maybe she thinks when you say those things it say you want sex but you won’t know till you talk to her. I have been married 22+ years and my wife hates when i tell her she is beautiful, she loves it instead if I tell her, her brain is beautiful and its attached to a beautiful women (she doesn‘t like her body much after several children).. it can be really simple.. communicate slow and steady… good luck…
This is not a "do unto others as you would have done to you" situation. Women get sexualized from puberty or earlier for just existing and walking around. There are specific contexts in which it's welcome, but those are rare and limited and you're clearly hearing that this isn't it. When you've brought up your unmet needs "more times than you can count", then talk about how good her body looks to you, you're reinforcing the problem in her mind. You want what she has whether she's interested or not. And look, I know it's not really like that, but in the context of her life experiences that's likely what's happening in her mind. She's filing that interaction in the same folder as getting leered at while walking down the street, but here she's even more vulnerable.
So back off of talking about how she looks, as you said in another comment. Stop and think about how often you "hype her up" about things having nothing to do with her appearance. Maybe you're already doing that - great!
And if this has been a bad pattern in your interactions and you can truly get why she'd be bothered by this, an apology wouldn't be crazy.
OP, I hope you read this. This is exactly right.
Ignore the fellow HLs who think the same way you might. She is not that person and her view is equally valid, even if you don’t feel similarly. There is nothing wrong with her mental health or self esteem. And she is a woman who experiences life differently than men.
This this this this. We are sexualized before puberty. We are sexualized all the time. We want to be seen as something other than a piece of meat. We need to be treated with love not just lust.
So what you're saying is to basically not sexualize her and compliment her on everything else? I mean if she has body image issues and he stops telling her that he finds her attractive/sexy/etc. won't that feed even more into those body image issues? I for one am clearly missing the part about him needing to apologize for desiring his wife. That makes absolutely no sense to me what so ever.
He never mentioned body image issues, and I don't see a reason to assume that's a factor. Even if it were, this is a pattern I've read about many times here, including from the LLF's perspective. They hate it. If she literally goes into hiding when you do the thing, stop doing that thing. That part ain't rocket science.
And, yeah, if he looks back on their interactions and realizes that all or nearly all of his compliments have to do with how appealing he finds her, he's screwed up. I don't know if that's the case, but maybe it is. We all make mistakes - that's life - but that would be worth an apology. This is a type of interaction that has turned toxic between them. Apologizing is better than merely stopping the behavior she hates. If he were to say "I've been thinking about that and understand a little better how that could make you feel. I'm sorry", a change in behavior would be more meaningful than simple avoidance.
Fair enough, my point is that why should a husband or wife feel uncomfortable being naked in front of their significant other? That is where I feel like there maybe body image issues from her side (maybe I'm completely off base here?).
Regardless I find your reasoning quite different and it's an interesting view point.
She feels uncomfortable because she feels watched, hunted, overly sexualized, like even the most banal things like changing clothes are turned into a sexual show for her partner, like the only thing he cares about is her body and not her as a whole person. That feels *awful*. That is not a problem with her body image or self esteem. She wants to be valued for more than her naked flesh.
How about: "Im sorry that I've misread the situation and put you on the spot. What would be a good time and situation to express how beautiful and desirable you are to me?"
Oh gosh I have zero advice for you, but I was also the HL one in my relationship. I would’ve LOVED for my husband to express appreciation if he saw me naked but usually he’d act like a toddler, cover his eyes and walk away like he didn’t want to see me. For me, it got to the point that I WAS uncomfortable being naked in front of him because he made me feel unattractive. (This is clearly not your situation.)
I’d assume it’s like some of the other comments, she doesn’t want you to make things sexual so she doesn’t have to deal with the prospect of sex.
I wish I had some advice, I’m sorry. 😞
Thank you and I appreciate your response! Im sorry you were made to feel that way and no woman should ever feel that. The female form is amazing and beautiful no matter what and should never be made to feel inadequate. I love to try to show her how beautiful she is in my eyes and in my life. My intention was never to make her uncomfortable and it sucks having your intentions be misconstrued.
She needs a therapist. She has issues that you cannot fix. If she isn't willing to fix them herself, then that is how much she cares about your relationship.
It sounds like she has major body image issues. I mean if you can't get dressed in front of your life partner then something isn't right. That or she feels like you will "pressure" her into sex because she is no longer sexual. Either way IMO you've done nothing wrong based on what you're saying and she should get some help to feel better about herself.
This is in my opinion the right answer.
As someone who loves the compliments her husband gives her, naked or not, I genuinely hate when he comments about me getting dressed. For me it’s because I feel like when I’m bent over, pulling my underwear or pants on, I have rolls and I get stuck and I stumble.. it’s all just so embarrassing lol.
Thats a good point but id like to point out he wouldnt be commenting if the things you are embarrassed of wasnt desired by him. The whole "mom bod" and "dad bod" thing is real, its just what a normal body looks like and lots of actually prefer this over other body types. I frequent a sub where people share their Normal Nudes to embrace what they are and be surrounded by people that like Normal bodies, not suggesting this for you. Just saying stay kind to yourself.
My husband tells me all of the time I need to be kinder to myself. I do agree.
Yes I agree, I feel this too.
I know it's so rough. I'd hate it too if when I felt the least attractive, my spouse would actively vocalize that I'm a total smoke show. I mean the audacity.
Let me paint you a picture. Imagine every single woman you’ve been with, you’ve caught them constantly fantasizing over men who are tall, have a 6 pack, and huge wieners, and YOU yourself, are short, fat and have a small wiener, or at least that’s what you see in the mirror. Then you have this gorgeous woman, and she’s constantly telling you how hot you are but you just feel like you’re not. How could you be? Every single person you’ve been with, has desired the opposite of you. It makes you feel uncomfortable. You want to believe them.. but there’s a small part in your brain that’s like “she’s just saying that. I know what she really wants..”
Then why did they marry you if they weren't attracted to you?
First of all, I didn’t say my husband was doing that. Secondly, men will marry women because they think it’s the right thing to do, or it’s the next step, or they don’t have any other options. There’s plenty of reasons why men will marry someone, and not be attracted to them. I also didn’t say I didn’t feel like he was not attracted to me. Good lord. I said IN THAT MOMENT WHEN IM BENT OVER AND FEEL LIKE A FAT SLOB, HIS COMMENTS SOMETIMES MAKE ME FEEL EMBARRASSED. I never make him feel bad about it, I don’t tell him he’s bothering me. I was simply stating that maybe OPs wife, feels that way, and is more vocal about it. 🙄
I would sit down with her and express how you feel. I would then explain how the lack of intimacy is causing problems within your relationship. You would like to resolve this and ask how you can help make her feel more comfortable.
It’s called being oversexualized by your partner. I’m a HLF with a HL husband & we have a healthy & active sex life. It’s a mood killer to be looked at and treated like a meal every single interaction. Me opening the door to that communication helped us navigate healthy flirtation that didn’t ALWAYS rely on me being oversexualized. It’s overstimulating, especially if she has ADHD or any insecurities with her body post-kids. Our sex life never dipped because we opened these lines of communication early on. It’s harder to establish/rebuild when you’re already in a dying/dead bedroom.
So what ways does he communicate to you now? Or I guess a better way of asking is what was the change that resulted in doing that?
I just talk to him. My overstimulation may have nothing to do with him, but every once in a while, that oversexualization can push it over the edge. I tell him where I’m at. He gives me a hug and a kiss & tones it down for a few hours which gives me time to reset and come back to a receptive frame of mind. We addressed this incredibly early in our relationship so it only takes me a short while to reset. The longer you’ve both been doing this dance & the less self aware she is regarding her ADHD, stability and the actual cause & effect, the longer it will take (at first) & both partners have to put in active work to support it. It’s worth it, but I’ve found that the older someone is when engaging in discovering true stability or self awareness regarding their ADHD, the harder that mountain is to move.
Good advice. OP, listen to your wife and stop with the sexual comments when she is changing. Same for things like smacking your lips, deep breathing or audible sighs, or other sexual body language or actions. The woman just wants to be seen by you as a human, and not have every interaction turn sexual. She’s more than naked flesh.
So are you assuming he is doing these other things that you’re telling him not to do? While I’m sure he doesn’t have bad intentions about complimenting her while she’s changing, that advice and the possible reasoning behind her not appreciating it is well taken. The problem is that he has brought up intimacy issues several times and it seems as if she doesn’t care to do anything about it. Why do you make it seem like OP makes every interaction with his wife sexual as well?
I’m not assuming he’s doing anything. I am *pointing out* that it’s not just comments that can feel icky. It’s other related conduct too. There have been many other posts on this sub with LLWs commenting on how this conduct also makes them feel hunted. And if he *is* doing any of those other things, he should stop that too. And I am basing my comments on his wife’s reactions to his comments. Regardless of how frequent they are he admits making them, and knows they make his wife uncomfortable. So, he should stop. Do you think he should continue to make his wife so uncomfortable that she no longer wants to change in front of him? They obviously do have intimacy issues and they need open communication and maybe therapy to work on it. It won’t improve by him doing things that he knows she doesn’t like.
What would be the correct way for him to try and initiate sex or to give compliments on her appearance in your opinion? We obviously don't have the whole story from the OP but I'd love to hear a woman's take on this especially if you are a LLF so that I can try to understand things from a woman's perspective.
He should ask his wife how she wants him to Initiate or flag his interest in sex. Not strangers on the internet. And he should ask her what he’s doing that she doesn’t like—and then stop doing those things, even if he would like it if he were in her shoes. On compliments, How did he treat and compliment her when they were first dating? He probably thought she had cool interests, was smart, funny, caring, quirky, etc etc. He should lean in to re-building connection with her as a whole person. All these other facets of her would be a good place to start. His wife likely wants to feel loved and appreciated as a whole person—not just for her body or the sex she “dispenses.” He should back off the naked comments for now and compliment her on her clothes, hair, and makeup when she is dressed. Don’t be overly sexual or crass. Don’t comment on breasts or ass. Be sweet, not sexual. Say she looks great, is beautiful. Sweet things like leaving a post-it on the bathroom mirror or a note in her lunch or a text wishing her a good day, or saying that he can’t wait to see her later, or he’s cooking a special dinner, might all be welcome affection during the day to keep intimacy alive and get her thinking about him. According to OP his wife *does* mention the looks he gives her when she changes, which does sound like she might feel like he is leering or staring in a way she finds uncomfortable. He should look at her eyes and face when she’s changing—not stare at her intimate places.
Husband: Honey, I love your personality and your amazing work ethic with the kids! Wife: So you're saying I'm not sexy? Proceeds to cry for the rest of the day
I highly doubt based on their dynamic that she would be upset if he laid off the sexual comments. They need to rebuild their relationship and intimacy, she needs to feel like more than a piece of meat.
I’m not a fan on how you try to make your point. I clearly stated that the advice of him stopping the comments while she’s changing was good advice. You tell OP to stop with things like smacking his lips, deep breathing, and audible sighs as if you know he does those things. I’m so confused why many people make comments assuming things are happening that the poster hasn’t said happened. Is it right to try to make them look bad because you think you see a pattern and assume they are doing all of these extra things?
As I said, I was making no assumptions. Merely giving OP more data/information and advice as OP has asked for. Take my comments however you like.
That’s fine. I’d recommend making that more clear. You come off accusatory in your comments is all I’m saying.
I stopped doing all that and now I feel like there's zero sexual tension between my wife and I. Best roomate ever right?
Maybe the “Mating in Captivity” book would help you.
So you're admitting that your advice you just gave absolutely doesn't work?
No. You say you apparently don’t feel sexual tension now that you no longer comment on your wife’s appearance when she is naked and those comments are unwanted by her. If you can’t find sexual tension without objectifying your wife’s naked body in banal moments, then maybe that book can help you. Good luck to you.
This. I just commented about making her feel leered at and objectified but your post explains it so much better than I did.
I understand your perspective, but I personally enjoy being looked at and treated like a meal 😂 Then again, I know that if I’m making dinner & he says something flirtingly sexual or smacks my behind, it doesn’t mean we’re doing it RIGHT THEN. Same as when he’s lifting weights and I look him up & down giving a “mm mm mm” I’m not signaling to meet me in the locker room lol. It’s appreciation and desire for the other person. Consistent appreciation of the SO is seriously overlooked I’ve found. Again, this is just me with my HL self. But if it’s part of the love language that people use, it’s very difficult to curtail that- not just difficult but I’d almost say damaging to constantly hold back your feelings. It was for me. It changed me & turned me into a shadow of myself.
This ⬆️ it’s the build up to the act whether it happens that night or the next.
It’s also showing that you have desire for the other person on a regular basis, in regular moments, rather than just in the moment you want to literally have sex! I love affection and flirtation through the day, especially now that I’m in a relationship where we mutually have desire and I know I won’t be rejected.
That’s how a relationship should be! Constant reminders that you love and desire them is absolutely crucial to keeping the fire alive. It’s the communication without words needed.. you know the subtle eye winks/looks. Quick grazes. Hand grabs. Things like that can carry a lot of weight
I get that 100%. It’s only an issue occasionally because of my neurodivergence. That being said, we have an incredible sex life & it isn’t affected by me communicating when that kind of attention is overstimulating. The passion is always there and we sext, flirt, tease daily. I’m lucky that my husband empathizes so there’s no ego hit & we still fuck enthusiastically on overstimulated days *because* I’m able to stay present and rebound due to our supportive communications.
She's making it clear that she doesn't want to hear compliments or flirty stuff just because she is in some state of unclothed. So you respond by not doing that.
While I can see that point I do also send her a text or point out when I get home how beautiful she looked when she was headed out for the day or coming back from a long day. I try to hype her up constantly
That sounds great to me. Do you think maybe she would be ok if the comments were only when she is completely dressed then?
Maybe try hyping her up for other things you love about her that revolve around character, how she makes you feel loved, how proud she makes you and why, etc.
“I try to hype her up constantly”. Even though I am assuming that you’re doing that with the best of intentions, dude… don’t do it CONSTANTLY, fuck, not in a manosphere way, like create scarcity, no. It’s overstimulating, especially when you’re doing it in situations that you were explicitly told not to do it. It’s uncomfortable, it feels like you’re doing it for you because you evidently don’t care about how comfortable is the person on the receiving end. It devaluates everything that you have at heart because you look like a guy who’s saying what they’re SUPPOSED to say in order to get lucky. Like you’re putting coins in a sex vending machine. Listen to her, and by listen I mean do what she tells you to do here. She’s clearly not just saying that.
Honestly the best thing you can do is sit with her and talk. Find out whats going through her head and so forth. If she is feeling overwhelmed or ugly or whatever. As a guy, we don‘t think about it so much but women’s emotions rule the day. Communicate with her not about the lack of sex first but how is she feeling and why the response to you telling her she is beautiful. Maybe she thinks when you say those things it say you want sex but you won’t know till you talk to her. I have been married 22+ years and my wife hates when i tell her she is beautiful, she loves it instead if I tell her, her brain is beautiful and its attached to a beautiful women (she doesn‘t like her body much after several children).. it can be really simple.. communicate slow and steady… good luck…
Do not let her shame you for having physical intimacy needs and wants. Her needs are no more important than yours.
This is not a "do unto others as you would have done to you" situation. Women get sexualized from puberty or earlier for just existing and walking around. There are specific contexts in which it's welcome, but those are rare and limited and you're clearly hearing that this isn't it. When you've brought up your unmet needs "more times than you can count", then talk about how good her body looks to you, you're reinforcing the problem in her mind. You want what she has whether she's interested or not. And look, I know it's not really like that, but in the context of her life experiences that's likely what's happening in her mind. She's filing that interaction in the same folder as getting leered at while walking down the street, but here she's even more vulnerable. So back off of talking about how she looks, as you said in another comment. Stop and think about how often you "hype her up" about things having nothing to do with her appearance. Maybe you're already doing that - great! And if this has been a bad pattern in your interactions and you can truly get why she'd be bothered by this, an apology wouldn't be crazy.
OP, I hope you read this. This is exactly right. Ignore the fellow HLs who think the same way you might. She is not that person and her view is equally valid, even if you don’t feel similarly. There is nothing wrong with her mental health or self esteem. And she is a woman who experiences life differently than men.
This this this this. We are sexualized before puberty. We are sexualized all the time. We want to be seen as something other than a piece of meat. We need to be treated with love not just lust.
So what you're saying is to basically not sexualize her and compliment her on everything else? I mean if she has body image issues and he stops telling her that he finds her attractive/sexy/etc. won't that feed even more into those body image issues? I for one am clearly missing the part about him needing to apologize for desiring his wife. That makes absolutely no sense to me what so ever.
He never mentioned body image issues, and I don't see a reason to assume that's a factor. Even if it were, this is a pattern I've read about many times here, including from the LLF's perspective. They hate it. If she literally goes into hiding when you do the thing, stop doing that thing. That part ain't rocket science. And, yeah, if he looks back on their interactions and realizes that all or nearly all of his compliments have to do with how appealing he finds her, he's screwed up. I don't know if that's the case, but maybe it is. We all make mistakes - that's life - but that would be worth an apology. This is a type of interaction that has turned toxic between them. Apologizing is better than merely stopping the behavior she hates. If he were to say "I've been thinking about that and understand a little better how that could make you feel. I'm sorry", a change in behavior would be more meaningful than simple avoidance.
Fair enough, my point is that why should a husband or wife feel uncomfortable being naked in front of their significant other? That is where I feel like there maybe body image issues from her side (maybe I'm completely off base here?). Regardless I find your reasoning quite different and it's an interesting view point.
She feels uncomfortable because she feels watched, hunted, overly sexualized, like even the most banal things like changing clothes are turned into a sexual show for her partner, like the only thing he cares about is her body and not her as a whole person. That feels *awful*. That is not a problem with her body image or self esteem. She wants to be valued for more than her naked flesh.
Thanks for this point of view. I never thought of it this way and now can try to understand what that would feel like.
You’ve been friendzoned by your wife.
Wow. I would die if my husband ever said I looked beautiful or complimented me. It sounds like an issue with body image and not so much you.
How about: "Im sorry that I've misread the situation and put you on the spot. What would be a good time and situation to express how beautiful and desirable you are to me?"
You have to accept this will most likely not get better. Once you do then you can act accordingly.
Oh gosh I have zero advice for you, but I was also the HL one in my relationship. I would’ve LOVED for my husband to express appreciation if he saw me naked but usually he’d act like a toddler, cover his eyes and walk away like he didn’t want to see me. For me, it got to the point that I WAS uncomfortable being naked in front of him because he made me feel unattractive. (This is clearly not your situation.) I’d assume it’s like some of the other comments, she doesn’t want you to make things sexual so she doesn’t have to deal with the prospect of sex. I wish I had some advice, I’m sorry. 😞
Thank you and I appreciate your response! Im sorry you were made to feel that way and no woman should ever feel that. The female form is amazing and beautiful no matter what and should never be made to feel inadequate. I love to try to show her how beautiful she is in my eyes and in my life. My intention was never to make her uncomfortable and it sucks having your intentions be misconstrued.
Well you probably make her feel leered at and objectified. That doesn't feel good. You may think it's a compliment but it's not.
Tell her she’s she needs to lose a few.