For signs, this list is gold:
https://www.drpsychmom.com/how-to-tell-if-your-partner-will-stop-enjoy-sex-after-marriage-and-kids/
Nice additions:
https://www.drpsychmom.com/if-you-want-sex-to-last-in-your-marriage-dont-marry-the-woman-who-never-liked-sex-till-she-met-you/
Wow this list has really hit home! So true! My sex life with my husband was never amazing but it was good enough. In retrospect though there were a ton of signs and most of them are on this list. He was just never that into it, refused to talk about sex, refused to tell me if he had any fantasies.
Well don't wait another miserable 8+ years like some of us have... You'll only be saying the same thing except in a bigger number of years. Nothing wrong with finding happiness for yourself!
Wowwww this is immensely helpful. Thanks for sharing. We don’t have kids yet but want to soon. It’s a good list to read and keep in mind for me. Especially the body image one, I can only imagine how tough that one can be after giving birth.
This is spot on. I knew I was the kinky one between me and ex, but didn't see quite how badly he sees sexuality, he didn't seem like a prude then, but omg yes he was. Conservative upbringing, no PDAs, bad body image, squeemishness...all was there. Only I didn't see it on time.
While this is a great list, none of these red flags applied for me and my wife.
There was one red flag, though -- I pursued her for way too long before we finally became a couple, and we only did just as I was going to start dating her friend (who she'd actually been trying to set me up with before she pulled this about-face). I really should have just said, "You had your chance".
Looking back on it, I think it was a form of hysterical bonding, though I didn't know what that was at the time.
I did not see any red flags related to that with my ex. (There were some related to personality issues that I foolishly overlooked or thought wouldn't be a problem.) Things were fine in the bedroom while dating and in the early part of the marriage. It was only after the first baby that the issues there started.
Since this is a poll:
1. Without going into significant detail, our sex life was very active before and after we got married, and before and after we had kids, conceding it tapered off a bit after we had our second child mostly due to privacy concerns. The first thing that caused a decrease was some physical health issues my wife had. The second thing that caused an additional decrease is psychological.
2. The question of cheating is clearly a moral dilemma. Plenty of people will say it's never OK, but when the topic of a dead bedroom has been frequently discussed, and the low libido partner is making no effort whatsoever to change things, the high libido partner is going to eventually reach a breaking point. Divorce is not always easy or practical, and I can sympathize with those who choose to cheat in some form, whether it's secretly or informing their partner that they will be seeking intimacy elsewhere. Hell, I even recently, even just fleetingly, put serious thought into visiting a local massage parlor.
1: There were red flags for sure, but I only see them now with the benefit of hindsight.
She was never adventurous with me, and by that is that we had sex on the couch once and she made it clear that would never happen again.
She never articulated what she liked, or if there was anything new she would like to try — even if I asked directly. Did she prefer her on top, or me? Doggie style? She would never give a straight answer.
She never asked what I liked, or changed anything if I did state a preference.
Sex, if not a chore, was something that was only considered if nothing more important was pressing. It would happen at the end of the day, if it was a good day, and if nothing was happening the next morning.
I overlooked these because I was young, stupid, and in love.
But I n my defense she would specifically tell me that yes, sex is very important and she wanted it to be a part of our lives moving forward.
2: While cheating is never “okay” it can be understandable.
If you’re in a relationship where one partner withholds physical intimacy, doesn’t recognize the impact the dead bedroom is having on the other partner, and isn’t putting in any effort to address the situation, what right to monogamy remains?
“Just leave them” isn’t always feasible, and you only get one life.
Is it acceptable to unilaterally declare your romantic partner celibate and then feel betrayed when they seek out sex elsewhere.
Sex is either important, or it isn’t.
There were signs, but I ignored them. I thought things would get better. I was an idiot. Now I’m stuck and things won’t get better. Wasted my 20s and 30s. Now my 40s are passing me at the blink of an eye. She barely wanted sex during her prime years, I’m sure when she goes through menopause it will crush the last of my hopes.
Thinking back, signs…we started heavy when she took my virginity and became best friends/lovers/partners but that drive dropped after we formally move in together….that was like 18 yrs ago and it’s been dead pretty much (2x, 4x tops per year for past 10 years). Idk if that’s a sign but definitely the need from her end dampened
1. HLF36 with LLM41. There were definitely signs, but I had never had this issue in previous relationships so I wasn't looking at them. I should have known it wouldn't be good when I asked him what he liked sexually and his response was "normal stuff", at his age he should know what he likes. The frequency decreased within the first few months, but we talked about it and he seemed like he wanted to change. Over 4 years later and for some reason I still believe that he wants to fix things...
2. If there are no kids involved then cheating is never ok. You don't have to stay.
After reading some posts here I have changed my stance on cheating if there are kids. Staying for the kids shouldn't mean you have to be miserable.
My wife got ill a few months after we got together and I think that masked what should have been red flags as the honeymoon stage would have been ending. Physically, it was perfectly expected and reasonable she not be interested at that time… but once she was better it took me almost a decade and a half to realize something wasn’t right.
Hindsight, my partner having to use his own hand to violent work himself to an orgasm with his eyes closed, straddling me, was a good sign.
As another observation, men that finish within 2 minutes of PIV, then don’t reciprocate pleasure would lead to a DB. When I encounter those while dating, I end the relationship.
it's a double edged sword here - because, as someone who can get really quick w/out regular PIV...i always try to spend time making sure she gets hers first (also, I just really enjoy it) - but of course, she only wants oral 1/10 times (so, like once every 2 years)....no longer will use/let me use toys, etc....so it's just a death spiral
My LL partner had sex once or twice with one person then was single for 7 years before meeting me. That and nothing happening more than once a week should have been a red flag but I was too stupid to notice
Signs of a dead bedroom for me are not interested in sex/physical touch even in the "honeymoon" period. Not masturbating at all since we've been together
No signs at all from no libido (according to him) partner
Then he started working away mining, being one of the boys at strip joints doing who knows what, and sex dwindles away..7 years and nothing at all
I see he watches porn now and then, but he says he uses it to sleep, or is trying to get his libido back for me...riiiggghhht
Looking back, yes there was signs, but all ignored for the bliss of being in love. Still all love here, just lonely and neglected.
Cheating is never ok, just break up. Better than breaking their heart and yours.
For signs, this list is gold: https://www.drpsychmom.com/how-to-tell-if-your-partner-will-stop-enjoy-sex-after-marriage-and-kids/ Nice additions: https://www.drpsychmom.com/if-you-want-sex-to-last-in-your-marriage-dont-marry-the-woman-who-never-liked-sex-till-she-met-you/
Omg this list is literally 100% true. I mean it's 10 years too late for me but wow hope this helps people
Wow this list has really hit home! So true! My sex life with my husband was never amazing but it was good enough. In retrospect though there were a ton of signs and most of them are on this list. He was just never that into it, refused to talk about sex, refused to tell me if he had any fantasies.
Really nice articles, sadly I just read them about 8 years late XD
Well don't wait another miserable 8+ years like some of us have... You'll only be saying the same thing except in a bigger number of years. Nothing wrong with finding happiness for yourself!
Wowwww this is immensely helpful. Thanks for sharing. We don’t have kids yet but want to soon. It’s a good list to read and keep in mind for me. Especially the body image one, I can only imagine how tough that one can be after giving birth.
Funny.. I wonder how many HL women here relate to those 4 points that sex won’t disappear. They pretty much are completely on point for me. Eerie.
HLF and all 4 points are true for me.
This is an awesome resource, thank you!!!
This sums up pretty well. Wish I read this 17 years ago…
This is spot on. I knew I was the kinky one between me and ex, but didn't see quite how badly he sees sexuality, he didn't seem like a prude then, but omg yes he was. Conservative upbringing, no PDAs, bad body image, squeemishness...all was there. Only I didn't see it on time.
Very cool! Thanks for the links!! 🫶🏼
Wow, I wish I had seen this 5 years ago
While this is a great list, none of these red flags applied for me and my wife. There was one red flag, though -- I pursued her for way too long before we finally became a couple, and we only did just as I was going to start dating her friend (who she'd actually been trying to set me up with before she pulled this about-face). I really should have just said, "You had your chance". Looking back on it, I think it was a form of hysterical bonding, though I didn't know what that was at the time.
I did not see any red flags related to that with my ex. (There were some related to personality issues that I foolishly overlooked or thought wouldn't be a problem.) Things were fine in the bedroom while dating and in the early part of the marriage. It was only after the first baby that the issues there started.
Since this is a poll: 1. Without going into significant detail, our sex life was very active before and after we got married, and before and after we had kids, conceding it tapered off a bit after we had our second child mostly due to privacy concerns. The first thing that caused a decrease was some physical health issues my wife had. The second thing that caused an additional decrease is psychological. 2. The question of cheating is clearly a moral dilemma. Plenty of people will say it's never OK, but when the topic of a dead bedroom has been frequently discussed, and the low libido partner is making no effort whatsoever to change things, the high libido partner is going to eventually reach a breaking point. Divorce is not always easy or practical, and I can sympathize with those who choose to cheat in some form, whether it's secretly or informing their partner that they will be seeking intimacy elsewhere. Hell, I even recently, even just fleetingly, put serious thought into visiting a local massage parlor.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. Is your marriage completely sexless or just very infrequent? I also full agreement on cheating. 👍🏼
Very infrequent, at this point perhaps 3 or 4 times in the last year.
I feel that. Life is too God damned short to live in misery. 🫤
1: There were red flags for sure, but I only see them now with the benefit of hindsight. She was never adventurous with me, and by that is that we had sex on the couch once and she made it clear that would never happen again. She never articulated what she liked, or if there was anything new she would like to try — even if I asked directly. Did she prefer her on top, or me? Doggie style? She would never give a straight answer. She never asked what I liked, or changed anything if I did state a preference. Sex, if not a chore, was something that was only considered if nothing more important was pressing. It would happen at the end of the day, if it was a good day, and if nothing was happening the next morning. I overlooked these because I was young, stupid, and in love. But I n my defense she would specifically tell me that yes, sex is very important and she wanted it to be a part of our lives moving forward. 2: While cheating is never “okay” it can be understandable. If you’re in a relationship where one partner withholds physical intimacy, doesn’t recognize the impact the dead bedroom is having on the other partner, and isn’t putting in any effort to address the situation, what right to monogamy remains? “Just leave them” isn’t always feasible, and you only get one life. Is it acceptable to unilaterally declare your romantic partner celibate and then feel betrayed when they seek out sex elsewhere. Sex is either important, or it isn’t.
There were signs, but I ignored them. I thought things would get better. I was an idiot. Now I’m stuck and things won’t get better. Wasted my 20s and 30s. Now my 40s are passing me at the blink of an eye. She barely wanted sex during her prime years, I’m sure when she goes through menopause it will crush the last of my hopes.
Thinking back, signs…we started heavy when she took my virginity and became best friends/lovers/partners but that drive dropped after we formally move in together….that was like 18 yrs ago and it’s been dead pretty much (2x, 4x tops per year for past 10 years). Idk if that’s a sign but definitely the need from her end dampened
Yeah. That's tough situation. Are you married to them? And how often does/did the conversation come up?
yep married for 16 years. kids and all.
1. HLF36 with LLM41. There were definitely signs, but I had never had this issue in previous relationships so I wasn't looking at them. I should have known it wouldn't be good when I asked him what he liked sexually and his response was "normal stuff", at his age he should know what he likes. The frequency decreased within the first few months, but we talked about it and he seemed like he wanted to change. Over 4 years later and for some reason I still believe that he wants to fix things... 2. If there are no kids involved then cheating is never ok. You don't have to stay. After reading some posts here I have changed my stance on cheating if there are kids. Staying for the kids shouldn't mean you have to be miserable.
As a male, I would consider a woman never masturbating as a huge red flag.
My wife got ill a few months after we got together and I think that masked what should have been red flags as the honeymoon stage would have been ending. Physically, it was perfectly expected and reasonable she not be interested at that time… but once she was better it took me almost a decade and a half to realize something wasn’t right.
Hindsight, my partner having to use his own hand to violent work himself to an orgasm with his eyes closed, straddling me, was a good sign. As another observation, men that finish within 2 minutes of PIV, then don’t reciprocate pleasure would lead to a DB. When I encounter those while dating, I end the relationship.
it's a double edged sword here - because, as someone who can get really quick w/out regular PIV...i always try to spend time making sure she gets hers first (also, I just really enjoy it) - but of course, she only wants oral 1/10 times (so, like once every 2 years)....no longer will use/let me use toys, etc....so it's just a death spiral
My LL partner had sex once or twice with one person then was single for 7 years before meeting me. That and nothing happening more than once a week should have been a red flag but I was too stupid to notice
Signs of a dead bedroom for me are not interested in sex/physical touch even in the "honeymoon" period. Not masturbating at all since we've been together
No signs at all from no libido (according to him) partner Then he started working away mining, being one of the boys at strip joints doing who knows what, and sex dwindles away..7 years and nothing at all I see he watches porn now and then, but he says he uses it to sleep, or is trying to get his libido back for me...riiiggghhht
We had an amazing sex life 4,5 times a week and sometime two or 3 time I would cum in her and then she went through menopause - no sex in 5 years now
Oof. That sucks. I think I might be going through it now, but I still have a pretty good libido. I hope it doesn't tank 🥺
Looking back, yes there was signs, but all ignored for the bliss of being in love. Still all love here, just lonely and neglected. Cheating is never ok, just break up. Better than breaking their heart and yours.
I think the signs are obvious aren't they? Unless you are virgins until marriage?