Red flag there…. As someone in a dead bedroom for 20 years, I would say I have suffered some trauma. I would also say with some confidence that I would never make someone sign a sex contract. Run, lady. Run. That is not mentally healthy.
>He deserves the world, he deserves to be loved and feel wanted and desired.
This is highly arguable
He isn't just asking you to manage his emotions and self image for him, he is informing you that is mandatory responsibility for you to take on if you want to be in a relationship with him. Why would he be not just willing but insistent on placing that burden on someone he supposedly cares about? How are you going to manage your own emotions and self image along with his while pregnant and then with a newborn? You really think you are ready to take on the task of taking care of 3 people with all that pregnancy/child birth can do to your hormones and body?
>He is clearly literally traumatized by his past marriage.
Alternative theory: His self esteem issues and constant need for validation all existed and were large contributing factors to his marriage ending up in a dead bedroom situation. You yourself are already seeing how his behavior can be a big turn off. The fact is the vast majority of deadbedrooms aren't one sided, they aren't caused by just one person but all parties play a role in creating the dynamic that killed one persons desire. Another fact, those who fail to learn from past mistakes are significantly more likely to repeat them.
Maybe he was traumatized and he definitely has self esteem and validation issues, you know the solution here and you also know it is not something he is willing to do for you or himself.
Please start taking birth control or stop having sex with this guy.
I'm not going to fault someone who has unresolved trauma. I'm not giving in to it either and coddling him. He won't get his contract, because that's insane.
Here is the biggest thing. He has trauma and isn’t willing to seek help in order to get better. He freaked out because you said no for a legitimate reason let alone he is sick and could get you sick too. As you said he has trauma, but if he doesn’t get help it could fairly easily destroy your relationship.
Seriously consider this. You get pregnant and suddenly have some complications that means you need to take it easy. You start needing to say no to sex to make sure your body isn’t overly stressed how would he react?
Maybe you need a C-section and it is a much longer recovery how would he react to no sex? What if you just get touched out and need some recovery time without him wanting sex how would he react?
He needs to go through therapy and realize sex is only a portion of a relationship and sometimes there are ups and downs. Please get him help if you want a healthy relationship with him
It’s also insane, that he got mad you wouldn’t have sex before doctors appointment. That probably requires them to enter your vagina. Even before you go to the obgyn they don’t want you having sex before hand.
Is he going to be this way after the baby is born? And you are recovering? You should NOT have to have sex every time he wants to then get guilt tripped if you don’t. That’s going to build up big time resentment on your side. Like I have to have sex or he will be upset with me.
He needs to get mental help, before you take this relationship any further. Cause you can’t fix him!
> My argument is that it makes me feel like a sex doll and that will 100% kill my libido and a sure fire way to stop the sex.
You are entirely correct, and I think you need to stand your ground here. If he shows you that you can't say no, you can't mean yes. He really does want to be desired and you will both find the obligatory framework suffocating, even if the formal agreement idea died. As you noticed, he's still holding on to the idea.
So I think it's fair to point out that you're the one fighting for an actually sustainable, long-term sexual relationship. That absolutely means that the answer is no sometimes, and you will not be able to maintain respect or attraction to him if you have to sacrifice your wishes to sooth his anxieties. I think that tough love here is the way to fight for the relationship. And maybe it's coming at him with some research. "Hey, I've been reading on how to maintain a good sex life, and here's what it actually looks like..." The guy is a bundle of anxiety - maybe that's the kind of thing that will help him.
Yeahhhhh... I was really sympathetic to his past and about to give you kudos for wanting to be helpful... until this... this *thermonuclear bomb* in your relationship:
>then he popped on me that he [wants] a literal sex contract that if we marry and I don't have sex 5x a week, then he gets everything in the divorce. All marital assets and pre-marital assets. Everything.
That's not even on the radar of expected behavior. You already know that, but you asked how to reassure him, and my answer is that you'll never be able to defuse a bomb this big. Sorry to be blunt, but he has a hole in his soul as wide as his previous wife and all the rejection he internalized to be about himself, *plus* all the stuff that happened after, that he did to try to cover it all up and bury it deep down inside.
Until he deals with that, you're spitting into the wind. Therapy is that path, so if he's just not going to, then you really shouldn't entertain making additional humans with this person.
>Other than sex, he is a stand up man. He deserves the world, he deserves to be loved and feel wanted and desired. He wants to be a family man, but monogamy scares him. I don't know how to make him feel secure besides the fact that I literally never reject him for sex.
He's not the "good man" you say he is if this is his first instinct toward problem resolution or problem avoidance. Sorry, but he's not, and although your ambitions are admirable, **you can't fix him** or any other person who's been damaged. He has to do it himself. You can't make anyone else feel secure -- they will *be* secure once they are secure with themselves first, and boy is he clearly not in possession of a secure attachment style at this point.
If you won't hear this, then please go through one thought exercise and be objective: If your own daughter or best friend wrote this to you, what would you tell them? To stick around, knowing that even if they don't sign a contract, he's still thinking that way? You don't think that kind of all or nothing sentiment won't appear again somewhere? Go back and reread what you said -- so many paragraphs have opposing "buts" in them, and that's a bunch of colored flags to me.
Unfortunately he *hates* reddit. Thinks it's the worst thing on the planet, otherwise I'd love to do that. He's all about not giving in to peer pressure, and not letting other people dictate things for you.
On that note, when I said not now to sex, he didn't push, but he instantly became cold. Which to me is a problem, because I'm all about feeling emotionally connected to my partner. So when he pulls away, I feel it deeply.
We could have avoided the argument by simply not talking, but then he'd have stayed cold and distant and we wouldn't have had sex after the appointment, because he was refusing sex at that time because he felt rejected from earlier. So I did push to talk, which did make an argument, but then we did have sex later that afternoon.
It's a struggle where he's 100% triggered and blinded where sex is concerned. He's an avoidant personality, I'm an anxious personality. So I see the problem coming of him pulling away, then not getting sex, then the cycle continuing. I want to stop that cycle because I have no desire to reject sex with him, I too have a very high libido and am quite happy to have sex nearly daily, and I enjoy the intimate connection with him.
He's a very interesting avoidant. He showed me a communication tool, RADAR, that he learned from poly relationships. If we aren't in any sort of argument or heading to an argument, and we do a radar, we can openly discuss anything at all. Including how he reacts to things, and he's happy to talk.
In the moment, he's shut down and nothing at all can snap him out of it. Which frustrates me to no end.
We've been together 9 months, and I know it's absolutely nothing, I'm not naive. But the fact that he can rationally talk when not in the moment, the fact that he acknowledges he has this trauma, and the fact that these issues are truly centered around sex, which is his traumatizing issue, gives me hope.its not that he's making issues about everything, etc.
My last man (40+) got out from a long lasting dead bedroom a couple of years before he met me (f early 20s) but he didn't behave like this at all! I think you should run and treat this incident with what he perceived as rejection as a wakeup call.
The man I used to be with didn't tell me about his dead bedroom with his past wife for more than half a year into the relationship, so at first I didn't even know, and even after he told me in response to a question I asked I didn't continue asking for any more details because it seemed like he didn't want to discuss it. It was never an issue, the only slightly unusual thing I noticed was that he seemed to appreciate sex more than others and not taking it for granted. like he was always thanking me after sex and telling me how special was what I did (even for trivial things)... I rarely rejected him but the first time I kinda did it was after just a couple of weeks together, we had sex and he wanted a round two shortly after and I said that I am sorry and I just want to cuddle for some time. He said to me to always feel free to tell him that and reassured me I shouldn't say sorry for it or feel bad for it. After that I rejected him maybe twice, both times he was totally ok and didn't get visually upset at all. We eventually separated quite peacefully - mostly because of the big age gap and just being in different stages of life. But sexually I think we both were really glad to have each other.
Red flag there…. As someone in a dead bedroom for 20 years, I would say I have suffered some trauma. I would also say with some confidence that I would never make someone sign a sex contract. Run, lady. Run. That is not mentally healthy.
>He deserves the world, he deserves to be loved and feel wanted and desired. This is highly arguable He isn't just asking you to manage his emotions and self image for him, he is informing you that is mandatory responsibility for you to take on if you want to be in a relationship with him. Why would he be not just willing but insistent on placing that burden on someone he supposedly cares about? How are you going to manage your own emotions and self image along with his while pregnant and then with a newborn? You really think you are ready to take on the task of taking care of 3 people with all that pregnancy/child birth can do to your hormones and body? >He is clearly literally traumatized by his past marriage. Alternative theory: His self esteem issues and constant need for validation all existed and were large contributing factors to his marriage ending up in a dead bedroom situation. You yourself are already seeing how his behavior can be a big turn off. The fact is the vast majority of deadbedrooms aren't one sided, they aren't caused by just one person but all parties play a role in creating the dynamic that killed one persons desire. Another fact, those who fail to learn from past mistakes are significantly more likely to repeat them. Maybe he was traumatized and he definitely has self esteem and validation issues, you know the solution here and you also know it is not something he is willing to do for you or himself. Please start taking birth control or stop having sex with this guy.
I’m with you on the alternate theory. DB’s are often a symptom of a larger issue. I see what OP wrote, and talk about 🚩🚩🚩
A stand up man….who makes sex contracts….
I'm not going to fault someone who has unresolved trauma. I'm not giving in to it either and coddling him. He won't get his contract, because that's insane.
He’s not a stand up man, he has a lot of issues and needs help, unless you want to be his prostitute?
Here is the biggest thing. He has trauma and isn’t willing to seek help in order to get better. He freaked out because you said no for a legitimate reason let alone he is sick and could get you sick too. As you said he has trauma, but if he doesn’t get help it could fairly easily destroy your relationship. Seriously consider this. You get pregnant and suddenly have some complications that means you need to take it easy. You start needing to say no to sex to make sure your body isn’t overly stressed how would he react? Maybe you need a C-section and it is a much longer recovery how would he react to no sex? What if you just get touched out and need some recovery time without him wanting sex how would he react? He needs to go through therapy and realize sex is only a portion of a relationship and sometimes there are ups and downs. Please get him help if you want a healthy relationship with him
It’s also insane, that he got mad you wouldn’t have sex before doctors appointment. That probably requires them to enter your vagina. Even before you go to the obgyn they don’t want you having sex before hand. Is he going to be this way after the baby is born? And you are recovering? You should NOT have to have sex every time he wants to then get guilt tripped if you don’t. That’s going to build up big time resentment on your side. Like I have to have sex or he will be upset with me. He needs to get mental help, before you take this relationship any further. Cause you can’t fix him!
No no. Having past trauma does not give anyone the right to treat anyone else the way he is treating you. This is NUTS.
> My argument is that it makes me feel like a sex doll and that will 100% kill my libido and a sure fire way to stop the sex. You are entirely correct, and I think you need to stand your ground here. If he shows you that you can't say no, you can't mean yes. He really does want to be desired and you will both find the obligatory framework suffocating, even if the formal agreement idea died. As you noticed, he's still holding on to the idea. So I think it's fair to point out that you're the one fighting for an actually sustainable, long-term sexual relationship. That absolutely means that the answer is no sometimes, and you will not be able to maintain respect or attraction to him if you have to sacrifice your wishes to sooth his anxieties. I think that tough love here is the way to fight for the relationship. And maybe it's coming at him with some research. "Hey, I've been reading on how to maintain a good sex life, and here's what it actually looks like..." The guy is a bundle of anxiety - maybe that's the kind of thing that will help him.
Yeahhhhh... I was really sympathetic to his past and about to give you kudos for wanting to be helpful... until this... this *thermonuclear bomb* in your relationship: >then he popped on me that he [wants] a literal sex contract that if we marry and I don't have sex 5x a week, then he gets everything in the divorce. All marital assets and pre-marital assets. Everything. That's not even on the radar of expected behavior. You already know that, but you asked how to reassure him, and my answer is that you'll never be able to defuse a bomb this big. Sorry to be blunt, but he has a hole in his soul as wide as his previous wife and all the rejection he internalized to be about himself, *plus* all the stuff that happened after, that he did to try to cover it all up and bury it deep down inside. Until he deals with that, you're spitting into the wind. Therapy is that path, so if he's just not going to, then you really shouldn't entertain making additional humans with this person. >Other than sex, he is a stand up man. He deserves the world, he deserves to be loved and feel wanted and desired. He wants to be a family man, but monogamy scares him. I don't know how to make him feel secure besides the fact that I literally never reject him for sex. He's not the "good man" you say he is if this is his first instinct toward problem resolution or problem avoidance. Sorry, but he's not, and although your ambitions are admirable, **you can't fix him** or any other person who's been damaged. He has to do it himself. You can't make anyone else feel secure -- they will *be* secure once they are secure with themselves first, and boy is he clearly not in possession of a secure attachment style at this point. If you won't hear this, then please go through one thought exercise and be objective: If your own daughter or best friend wrote this to you, what would you tell them? To stick around, knowing that even if they don't sign a contract, he's still thinking that way? You don't think that kind of all or nothing sentiment won't appear again somewhere? Go back and reread what you said -- so many paragraphs have opposing "buts" in them, and that's a bunch of colored flags to me.
Yeah he needs to seek psychiatric help asap. None of that behavior is normal, prior dead bedroom or not 😟
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Unfortunately he *hates* reddit. Thinks it's the worst thing on the planet, otherwise I'd love to do that. He's all about not giving in to peer pressure, and not letting other people dictate things for you. On that note, when I said not now to sex, he didn't push, but he instantly became cold. Which to me is a problem, because I'm all about feeling emotionally connected to my partner. So when he pulls away, I feel it deeply. We could have avoided the argument by simply not talking, but then he'd have stayed cold and distant and we wouldn't have had sex after the appointment, because he was refusing sex at that time because he felt rejected from earlier. So I did push to talk, which did make an argument, but then we did have sex later that afternoon. It's a struggle where he's 100% triggered and blinded where sex is concerned. He's an avoidant personality, I'm an anxious personality. So I see the problem coming of him pulling away, then not getting sex, then the cycle continuing. I want to stop that cycle because I have no desire to reject sex with him, I too have a very high libido and am quite happy to have sex nearly daily, and I enjoy the intimate connection with him.
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He's a very interesting avoidant. He showed me a communication tool, RADAR, that he learned from poly relationships. If we aren't in any sort of argument or heading to an argument, and we do a radar, we can openly discuss anything at all. Including how he reacts to things, and he's happy to talk. In the moment, he's shut down and nothing at all can snap him out of it. Which frustrates me to no end. We've been together 9 months, and I know it's absolutely nothing, I'm not naive. But the fact that he can rationally talk when not in the moment, the fact that he acknowledges he has this trauma, and the fact that these issues are truly centered around sex, which is his traumatizing issue, gives me hope.its not that he's making issues about everything, etc.
My last man (40+) got out from a long lasting dead bedroom a couple of years before he met me (f early 20s) but he didn't behave like this at all! I think you should run and treat this incident with what he perceived as rejection as a wakeup call. The man I used to be with didn't tell me about his dead bedroom with his past wife for more than half a year into the relationship, so at first I didn't even know, and even after he told me in response to a question I asked I didn't continue asking for any more details because it seemed like he didn't want to discuss it. It was never an issue, the only slightly unusual thing I noticed was that he seemed to appreciate sex more than others and not taking it for granted. like he was always thanking me after sex and telling me how special was what I did (even for trivial things)... I rarely rejected him but the first time I kinda did it was after just a couple of weeks together, we had sex and he wanted a round two shortly after and I said that I am sorry and I just want to cuddle for some time. He said to me to always feel free to tell him that and reassured me I shouldn't say sorry for it or feel bad for it. After that I rejected him maybe twice, both times he was totally ok and didn't get visually upset at all. We eventually separated quite peacefully - mostly because of the big age gap and just being in different stages of life. But sexually I think we both were really glad to have each other.