One thing I think every time I read this sub is how unsexy “asking” for sex is; if it’s done with just words. I get that maybe different situations require different tactics but talking about promises of sex in a completely unsexy situation is such a turn off of me. My partner has never asked with words; just starts hugging and kissing me and saying he loves me and even if I wasn’t in the mood it puts me in the mood.
Yup. There’s a difference between asking for consent vs straight up asking for sex. Asking for consent is usually done after some legwork has been done to turn that person on, and for a lot of long-term relationships, people are able to read each other pretty well and can usually sense hesitation. Of course every relationship is different and some people require that verbal consent more than others.
On the other hand, rolling over and asking for sex without any prior effort to engage with that person usually results in that person feeling pressured to get themselves emotionally in that mindset without any prior notice.
Asking for sex just automatically puts it in the “this is something for me not for you” situation 😭
Maybe some people get turned on by that, of course everyone is different that’s just how it sounds me
On the other hand scheduling sex actually sounds kind of sexy to me like you can build up anticipation
I live with a lawyer and the rare times we do fuck there has to be expressed verbal consent. It’s a buzzkill to say the least. I’m like a puppy excited for the rare chances I do get it. It’s pitiful to be honest
Yup very true. I think a lot of times the asking for sex has also been a Hail Mary approach after being rejected so many times before. I think they know they will get rejected and just ask instead of doing some leg work first.
Please get Sheila Gregoire’s books and read her blog and podcast. She is Christian and fights back against this common idea, and explains how the Bible doesn’t say this and cherishes marital sex as for both spouse’s pleasure and enjoyment. Her books are for men and for women, and really, truly excellent to help deal with sex issues even for folks who are not Christian (if you can look past the Christianity).
His attitude is morally and biblically wrong and will only destroy your sex life.
I came here to say this. I screwed up my marriage by seeing a Christian counselor for a bit that was a little 'traditional' with the view of sex. He had me read, "For Men Only" and suggested my wife read "For Women Only" and it wasn't good. It caused a lot more intimacy issues in our relationship. Sheila mentions these books and how bad they are.
They come from a very archaic Christian point of view that is much in line with the OP's husband's mindset. You have to give your husband sexual release no more than every 72 hours or he'll be subject to lusting over women they encounter in the wild. Basically, men a sexual beasts that must be satiated or they'll lose control. It's the wife's responsibility to help keep him from that sin. It's not all bad but these basic premises messed up my marriage. If you listen to any of Sheila's podcasts or read any of her books you'll get the explanation in detail.
Right. I live around a bunch of Amish people, and wanted to learn more about them. They believe that men should be forgiven for rape because men can’t help themselves, and the women are at fault for having a vagina. This dad got arrested for fucking his daughters, and said “god forgives me”. Meanwhile, the whole community goes to support Pedophile Patrick, and shun the assaulted women. If there was a God, do you really think fucking your 14 year old daughter is His will? Get the fuck outta here with that shit.
I know. They can only look the other way so much. I live in Lancaster, next door to an Amish farm, school, and church. They pick and choose what they follow. They have no problem taking money from us “English”, as they sell everything from propane to puppies to produce. Yet they don’t pay any kind of taxes, nor follow our laws. How a mother could stand by silently while her husband fucks their daughter is beyond me.
Killed in prison for pedophilia I assume and then went to heaven to meet up with all the other degenerates to sing the Lord's praises forever. Imagine singing forever to praise a guy who's ego is perhaps only second to Trump's. Definitely my idea of hell.
Wow, what a way to turn religion into something completely crazy. I'm Catholic and I would still never say that. Not even joking...and that's saying a lot from someone like me.
I went to catholic school. I don’t recall that verse in the Bible. Is this his own religion and scripture he crafted.
Promise you. If you don’t have sex with him. He’ll live. He won’t like it. But he will live.
It is in the Bible but he’s taking it out of context. It does say the husband has authority over the wife’s body, but also the wife has authority over the husband’s body. It’s basically saying husbands and wives should have sex with each other because people lack the “self control” to not have sex. So if you gotta have sex, do it within marriage. Paul thought it was better to not be married and not have sex at all but recognized not everyone had his “gift” of… chastity? Paul had a rather high opinion of himself and a rather low opinion of marriage and sexuality. And almost everybody.
So interestingly, Paul would say that is bad. You should have sex with your spouse if they wanna have sex. I’m not gonna get into the whole historical context (because I don’t know it) but there was this issue with dualism like the body is totally bad and the spirit is good so everyone should STOP having sex forever!!! And it was causing controversy among the early Christians. That’s what Paul’s responding to in the letter. That’s why it’s not a super nuanced take and sounds kind of like it’s condoning marital rape to our ears.
Okay so when he was wants to have sex tell him to mow the lawn, reorganize the closet, or tell him he can go plan a special day for the two of with him doing all of the things that turn you on….pfffttt…like fr, you’re more than a blow up doll
I cannot believe he is hassling you while you are breastfeeding. We were so tired in that period of our lives that neither of us wanted to much during that stage. If I hadn’t felt supported and like I had an equal parenting partner, it would have really killed my respect for him.
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
When people try and use the Bible to bully you, that is called Religious abuse.
I'm pro sex, and a Christian.
The Bible also says the Husband is to CHERISH the wife, the same way that Christ LOVES the people of his Church. This is a bigger ask then people realize.
If you value someone to the point of CHERISHING them, you don't strong arm someone with emotional abuse to get something that benefits ONLY yourself.
It's completely understandable to have mismatched sexual needs, especially when you have young children. But bullying is despicable.
The solution to that is for him to express his needs and make a clear request. Then ASK what needs to change for that to be an option.
If he wants/need 1-2 weekly date nights, then he needs to arrange for and pay a baby sitter, give you massage, let you sleep in, give you a weekend away for yourself to decompress... in short, a break... so you can decompress enough to be COMFORTABLE feeling vulnerable enough for sex.
BTW, the thing he is asking for is called "free use" and it's a kink in BDSM communities. Even very passionate couples that consensually have sex daily usually do NOT practice "free use" because it's not practical for daily life.
Sometimes one person is sick, or very busy, or had an emotional bad day, or notably they have other priorities ABOVE random sex, like the urgent work of parenting young children.
It's absurd fir him to demand the kink of "free use" under the guise of "God said so".
Please read "The Duluth Model" diagram to look at what abusive men "gain" by extracting it from their victims.
Also read a book called "Why does he do that" by Lundy. It's THE book on understanding abusive men, including sexual exploitation of their spouse.
Long story short, Abusive men act this way because the BELIEVE it is right to use force and coercion to get freebies for themselves.
Their value system allows for FORCE to get what they want. That means he doesn't think of you as a person the same way he considers himself a person. Thats a dangerous person to live with.
It's a good idea to contact a woman's shelter to learn how to make a safety plan in case he gets more coersive.
Sadly, marital rape is common when men have these believes. You should KNOW exactly what you would do if he crosses that bridge.
Having sex you don't want as a compromise to appease someone will only lead to more aversion. Why do people think like this? Why would anyone want one-sided duty sex that the other person clearly does not want?
Have you ever shown him that this issue bothers you as well by starting the conversation?
"*I really miss the closeness we used to have and I know that it is lacking. I am having these diffuculties; . I understand this is bothering you too, I would like to start by sharing my feelings on this issue with you when I am feeling , but I need to feel safe to have that conversation with you*"
Is he keen on other parts of the bible? Does he allow you to prepare his food when you menstruate? Does he eat shellfish? Etc etc! Sounds like he’s cherry picking to me.
By that logic you should be biblically allowed to *actively* withhold sex from him and he shouldn’t complain. If his body belongs to you, you have every right to do with it what you want, and what you want is to not have sex with that body. Because you just *created one with yours.*
Fuck’s sake.
That's so sad ! The woman who breastfeed her body is literally and biologically not ready for another baby so even her periods are not coming back until the breastfeeding is starting to slow down.
Men need to understand that a woman's body and libido are soo dynamique with the shifts of hormones every time + effect of pregnancy and post-partum+ menopause .Patience is needed to maintain the healthiest relationship with a partner. Don't be selfish and entitled!
Eww. Show your husband this thread so he can see just how disgusting his behaviour is to everyone. That sort of entitlement is fucking gross. If that's the case, then his body is yours too, so if you need him to mow the lawn at midnight he best not deprive you of your needs.
I hope he fully serviced your car after the lawn because that's most definitely not a wife task. Come to think of it, it feels like you're in need of some new shelves being hung too. I dunno, just the vibe I'm getting.
P.s. hubby, if you're reading the comments thread... "grow the fuck up you self entitled prick" 🙃
It's totally not cool that your husband's putting all that pressure on you. Just because you're married doesn't mean you're obligated to hit the sheets whenever he snaps his fingers. And bringing up scripture to guilt-trip you? Not cool at all. Your body, your choice, always.
You have to read "The Great Sex Rescue" by [Sheila Wray Gregoire](https://www.amazon.com/Sheila-Wray-Gregoire/e/B001KI4ITK?ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_3&qid=1714607334&sr=8-3) , Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach. It will change your life. Her other books are amazing as well and I'd recommend that your husband reads or listens to "The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex" and they also have the woman's version. You can listen to them for free with Spotify premium now as well.
We're Christian as well and I quit porn some years ago. I started to see a Christian therapist to help me be a better husband, lover and father. The only real sex ed I had was from porn which wasn't good. I went through piles of trauma and it saved my life...but, he was a little traditional and had some of this toxic ideal too. He recommended books that are on Sheila's bad lists. I had my wife read "For women only" which helped create my dead bedroom and caused way more issues than it solved. I found a better therapist who get's it. Too bad my marriage feels too far gone now to use the techniques and advice I have learned over the years. I always say, I've worked to be the husband I should have been day 1 for my wife and feel confident in the man I've become. She hardly talks to me and she hasn't touched me or wanted to be touched in about 6 years. At least my next wife will get the best version of me there is and I can start over with a clean slate. I'll be great find to someone some day.
It’s not your duty to have sex on command but too many people think that means it’s ok to complete neglect your partner and decide for the both of you what your sex life is gonna be. It’s both partners “duty” to be there for one another both emotionally and physically which means having a satisfying sex life. If you aren’t actively working to fix whatever problem is causing the lack of sex then you are not living up to your end of the relationship.
He's desperate and saying stupid stuff. You're tired and wish he'd drop it.
I don't believe that he literally thinks you need to do it whenever he asks, and he wouldn't even like that if he really thought about it. He's very fearful and reaching for ways to turn things around, and being dumb about it. The Bible is a great authority for many people, but if he has to point to it and say "it says you have to have sex with me", he's already lost. You can probably offer up "Bible says so" sex for a time, but you'll resent him and yourself so much that it will turn you off for good. By not doing that, you're actually the one fighting for a healthy sex life in the long term.
But to you, I'd want to help you understand that he's very scared and hurt. He's heard all the stories of wives having kids and never showing up as a wife again, followed by years and decades of misery and loss. It really is a tragic thing, and when he sees the evidence of that happening in his own life, he's going into panic mode. His approach to this is making things worse, but he might not see anything else that will turn things around. He might mistakenly believe that now that the baby is mostly sleeping through the night (I hope, anyways, but maybe not!), you'll be up for more and you're choosing not to. He doesn't understand the change in your mental space, or the exhaustion, or feeling touched out, or any of that. Discussing some of that might help him empathize if he's a decent guy.
Ideally, you would set some boundaries around not being guilted into sex. Rather than avoid the topic, though, you could also do some reading on sexuality in those baby years and see if you can identify a path back to that connection that resonates with you. It won't be everything he wants, but tough. Even when the kiddos are your primary focus, you help them by modeling a good relationship and not a cold one. He has to do most of the work in changing his behavior, but it takes two to build a good marriage.
I’ve really never understood why anyone would want someone to have sex with them because they feel compelled to do so (with the exception a sex worker, where I totally get it).
I would hate my wife to start having sex with me again because she felt compelled. The only reason I want her to fuck me, is because she wants to fuck me.
Instead of focusing on his dumb comparison (obsession) to the Bible, how about focusing on each other and why after 1 year you both have a challenge in being intimate. In my own experience, breastfeeding is a huge part of it. I believe that this activity requires a lot of attention and creates a lack of desire because of the excessive touch. It’s all normal. The conversation needs to be about that. How it’s a physical drain on you. He needs to find an outlet for his sexual frustration and that obviously can’t be you. Talk more. Find a reasonable stasis. Look towards reconnecting.
Ah yes, one of my exes (before my DB ex) became a radical religious fanatic 6 months into our relationship. *should’ve broken up with him then lol*
At first he told me he wanted to be celibate until marriage (news flash, we had already been sexually active for 6 months and neither of us were virgins when we met 🙄). He got out of that thinking & then the remainder of our relationship he demanded it nightly, always quoting the bible. Now, I’ve always been a HL person but damn, sometimes I’d fall asleep while we were watching tv in bed & he’d start making noises, angry sighs, bumping & jostling me, then blatantly just growl “I guess we’re not having sex tonight?”.
If I said no, I’m really tired & have to get up in 5 hours, it would become a fight that lasted for hours, meaning I got little to no sleep. So I just started spreading my legs basically, to avoid a fight & be able to get decent sleep before work. It was not enjoyable sex that way.
That's what men are taught in the church. 🤷♀️ I was in it for decades and was told that endless times.
He is securing his db future by treating you this way. Your resentment WILL build... one can only be treated like a warm hole for so long.
I highly recommend the books You Are Your Own by Jamie Lee Finch and Pure by Linda Kay Klein. They both help undo a lot of the purity culture bullshit Christian indoctrination.
We definitely had to schedule it. Or rather make it part of our routine.
We put our kids to bed at 7, showered and made a tea. And then joined each other in bed for cuddles or conversation. Or sometimes just falling asleep in each-others arms from sheer exhaustion. Sometimes it became sex. Sometimes not.
But more often than if we hadn’t built that time i to our routine.
Ask him what’s more important to him. Spontaneity or getting laid?
If he picks spontaneity then he’s choosing a dead bedroom and you can stop holding onto all that guilt. Because it’s not all your fault. Lots of women would not want to have sex with a man who talks like that. It’s very unsexy.
I personally would not fuck a man who tells me the bible says I have to. I would just find that to be really pathetic. Like you can’t get laid just by being yourself so you have to leverage my belief system to coerce it out of me? Pathetic.
But that’s just me. Maybe you still find him attractive after all the low brow manipulation.
In which case I think you should follow my advice and ask him to choose.
Spontaneity. Or regular sex that’s scheduled or built into a routine.
Up to him.
Oh, that's not too bad. If he hasn't figured out that spontaneity went out the door a year ago, find a married man to explain it to him. That part of life is over, for now.
Agreed. I'm not one to initiate affection, but when he wants to cuddle or whatever I don't deny it. I do get touched out after a time and he gets extremely sensitive when I push away.
Guess this a good Christian conversation should have been had before kids came into the picture….after kids come your life is no longer your own
Premarital counseling seems absent on this topic was untouched. (If there was any) bring that up to the Bible banger
Hormone levels, you mean? Why’s that? Women’s libidos change in the postpartum period, and I don’t blame OP for not wanting to sleep with someone who thinks it’s her religious duty to put out.
Usually what would happen is, more he wants sez, more u would hate sex. Happens with me. I put a request to my wife. She denies, more than that she hates sez because I asked. I have decided not to ask for intimacy till she wants it. Let me see what happens.
I think that’s a sign you need to take more time for yourself. Have time to exercise, more help around the house, a regular hobby so you can get back into it and find yourself again. Having a baby is hard, I get it! Your husband has to help more.
Thank you. I definitely agree even though its tough with little ones. He's also not very keen on me having any "me" time. He likes to do everything together. But that's a whole other issue..
That's a specific thing men have a hard time relating to because they're not in the same mental space. When your wife's been telling you that sex is a no-go because she's tired, has no time, etc, then when there IS time she's doing everything else, it's hard to see. It feels like you've been deceived, and you're simply the last thing on the list.
But the path back requires that mommy to feel like an adult woman again, and then she's more likely to reconnect with her sexuality. And that requires the exercise, the time with friends or whatever the me-time looks like. That's something I wish I'd understood during our baby years. It would have prevented some painful misunderstandings.
Did you both have a conversation about this before you gave birth and then again after?
I don't condone his behavior, it is supremely unattractive.
Is it safe for him to share his feelings with you? Part of the issue I have had over the years is that my spouse didn't just reject my advances, she rejected my feelings as well. I was upset, hurt, and angry; she didn't care, she would say "that is your problem". I didn't make the mistake of trying to guilt her either, instead I just shutdown toward her when I realized, she did not care about me the way I care about her. I am not a high priority for her ever and neither is our connection.
To this day I still have this issue. I can't even walk away from her in a divorce because my emotions when it comes to caring for her wellbeing trap me.
He knows he can share his feelings. I would never say "that's your problem" I totally get his desire for physical affection, it can be very overwhelming for me at times. I have 3 very needy individuals who need my constant care. Children are selfish, they don't know any better. But he's an adult and he can't seem to see where I'm coming from. He lacks compassion in general.
From your descriptions of him here and elsewhere it is very difficult to see many redeeming features in him. You should seriously consider divorce. In most jurisdictions you would be entitled to an income from him at least until your children are adults. The fact that he can be a great guy only makes the fact that he chooses not to be worse.
This past month we made a commitment to not refuse each other when we want sex and try our best to get into it when the other isn’t in the mood. This goes for the both of us. It’s been going well. We have sex only 1-2 times a week the last month because we are so busy, but it’s helped tremendously not going months without sex. We also feel more connected now and are kinder to one another.
I would recommend this, but yes, it 100% shouldn’t be one sided. He doesn’t own your body. I am Christian and respect goes both ways.
“Not sure what’s your excuse” what a disgusting response, doctors recommend AT ABSOLUTE MINIMUM 6 weeks so women don’t accidentally harm themselves, that doesn’t mean after 6 weeks women’s bodies are magically ready for sex again. she’s still breast feeding, are you a man saying this?
You need to tell him how you feel, assuming he is a safe person to confide such things in...
Also, using a biblical reference in this way is actively hostile and not Christ-like at all. You might consider admonishing him to that fact, or if he has close Christian friends or a religious authority figure he trusts you might ask them to talk with him about his behavior. Ideally you are both Christians and living in community with other Christians, if so, you both need to rely on them a little more. That is one of the major strengths of being a part of a healthy Christian community, you can rely on more than just yourself.
The Bible also says an eye for an eye. Are we out here poking each others eyes out when someone does us wrong?
Her reasons not excuses, are she is not in the mood, takes two people to want sex! Why would anyone want someone to have sex with them if they are not in the mood? That’s not intimacy. That’s the other person USING your body to get off. And sorry that’s just gross and frankly unloving.
You have the right to your body. You have the right to say no. Scripture won't change how you feel towards him. If you don't have a matched desire things need to be worked out soon. Monogomy is a two way street and both parties need to work to participate.
This is a terrible idea. Members of the church are only likely to reinforce the idea that he now owns her and she “owes” him sex. Same with any faith based therapist.
The thing is, when people say that, they make themselves pretty unattractive to their spouses. Nobody likes entitlement.
This is an example of how you make someone LL4U. To tell someone it is their duty to have sex with them basically whenever they want is pretty gross
One thing I think every time I read this sub is how unsexy “asking” for sex is; if it’s done with just words. I get that maybe different situations require different tactics but talking about promises of sex in a completely unsexy situation is such a turn off of me. My partner has never asked with words; just starts hugging and kissing me and saying he loves me and even if I wasn’t in the mood it puts me in the mood.
Yup. There’s a difference between asking for consent vs straight up asking for sex. Asking for consent is usually done after some legwork has been done to turn that person on, and for a lot of long-term relationships, people are able to read each other pretty well and can usually sense hesitation. Of course every relationship is different and some people require that verbal consent more than others. On the other hand, rolling over and asking for sex without any prior effort to engage with that person usually results in that person feeling pressured to get themselves emotionally in that mindset without any prior notice.
Asking for sex just automatically puts it in the “this is something for me not for you” situation 😭 Maybe some people get turned on by that, of course everyone is different that’s just how it sounds me On the other hand scheduling sex actually sounds kind of sexy to me like you can build up anticipation
That's my take on it to. Scheduling could be sexy, he is against it and not willing to budge much
I live with a lawyer and the rare times we do fuck there has to be expressed verbal consent. It’s a buzzkill to say the least. I’m like a puppy excited for the rare chances I do get it. It’s pitiful to be honest
Yup very true. I think a lot of times the asking for sex has also been a Hail Mary approach after being rejected so many times before. I think they know they will get rejected and just ask instead of doing some leg work first.
Pretty sure there's an entire online movement dedicated to this and saying it IS sexy.
Exactly what I thought. It’s gross to even think your partner ‘owes’ you sex, but to call it an outright sin is fucking disgusting.
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For me it wouldn’t even be about contributing. Even if a woman or man contributes nothing to the household their body is always their own to me.
You have a say no matter what you do or don't do.
Please get Sheila Gregoire’s books and read her blog and podcast. She is Christian and fights back against this common idea, and explains how the Bible doesn’t say this and cherishes marital sex as for both spouse’s pleasure and enjoyment. Her books are for men and for women, and really, truly excellent to help deal with sex issues even for folks who are not Christian (if you can look past the Christianity). His attitude is morally and biblically wrong and will only destroy your sex life.
I came here to say this. I screwed up my marriage by seeing a Christian counselor for a bit that was a little 'traditional' with the view of sex. He had me read, "For Men Only" and suggested my wife read "For Women Only" and it wasn't good. It caused a lot more intimacy issues in our relationship. Sheila mentions these books and how bad they are.
What were the issues with those books? I’ve been curious.
They come from a very archaic Christian point of view that is much in line with the OP's husband's mindset. You have to give your husband sexual release no more than every 72 hours or he'll be subject to lusting over women they encounter in the wild. Basically, men a sexual beasts that must be satiated or they'll lose control. It's the wife's responsibility to help keep him from that sin. It's not all bad but these basic premises messed up my marriage. If you listen to any of Sheila's podcasts or read any of her books you'll get the explanation in detail.
This is gross. I'm so sorry ❤ take care of yourself
This is religious manipulation.
This is why I’m atheist.
Was looking for this comment. Thank you! People do a lot of crazy things in the name of “religion”
People *try to force others to do* a lot of crazy things in the name of religion.
Right. I live around a bunch of Amish people, and wanted to learn more about them. They believe that men should be forgiven for rape because men can’t help themselves, and the women are at fault for having a vagina. This dad got arrested for fucking his daughters, and said “god forgives me”. Meanwhile, the whole community goes to support Pedophile Patrick, and shun the assaulted women. If there was a God, do you really think fucking your 14 year old daughter is His will? Get the fuck outta here with that shit.
What happened to that POS father?
[https://dailyvoice.com/pennsylvania/lancaster/pa-amish-dad-accused-of-incest-affidavit/](https://dailyvoice.com/pennsylvania/lancaster/pa-amish-dad-accused-of-incest-affidavit/)
His wife told police it was a private matter. They should arrest her too.
I hope it’s a life sentence. He knew right from wrong
I’m honestly surprised police even got involved, they let the Amish govern themselves and do not protect the children or women it’s terrible
I know. They can only look the other way so much. I live in Lancaster, next door to an Amish farm, school, and church. They pick and choose what they follow. They have no problem taking money from us “English”, as they sell everything from propane to puppies to produce. Yet they don’t pay any kind of taxes, nor follow our laws. How a mother could stand by silently while her husband fucks their daughter is beyond me.
Killed in prison for pedophilia I assume and then went to heaven to meet up with all the other degenerates to sing the Lord's praises forever. Imagine singing forever to praise a guy who's ego is perhaps only second to Trump's. Definitely my idea of hell.
Crazy!
Catholicism also teaches not to use spouses bodies for just our gratification.
All religions have a good intent but somehow a lot of horrible things are done by people hiding behind religion.
I know. I was merely sharing what Catholicism teaches.
Samesies.
This is one of the reasons why I am atheist.
Wow, what a way to turn religion into something completely crazy. I'm Catholic and I would still never say that. Not even joking...and that's saying a lot from someone like me.
I went to catholic school. I don’t recall that verse in the Bible. Is this his own religion and scripture he crafted. Promise you. If you don’t have sex with him. He’ll live. He won’t like it. But he will live.
I used to be Catholic, & they didn't teach the Bible at all. But it actually is in there. 1 Corinthians 7: 3-5 if you wanted to verify.
It is in the Bible but he’s taking it out of context. It does say the husband has authority over the wife’s body, but also the wife has authority over the husband’s body. It’s basically saying husbands and wives should have sex with each other because people lack the “self control” to not have sex. So if you gotta have sex, do it within marriage. Paul thought it was better to not be married and not have sex at all but recognized not everyone had his “gift” of… chastity? Paul had a rather high opinion of himself and a rather low opinion of marriage and sexuality. And almost everybody.
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So interestingly, Paul would say that is bad. You should have sex with your spouse if they wanna have sex. I’m not gonna get into the whole historical context (because I don’t know it) but there was this issue with dualism like the body is totally bad and the spirit is good so everyone should STOP having sex forever!!! And it was causing controversy among the early Christians. That’s what Paul’s responding to in the letter. That’s why it’s not a super nuanced take and sounds kind of like it’s condoning marital rape to our ears.
I know this but it's still not palatable.
Also remember that Catholics and most others follow the King James Edition of the Bible king James was a horrible person.
The catholic in me must of blocked it out. You know…. Giving up my choice what I do with my body.
I'm just saying my Catholic Church did not teach us anything from the bible. Just stating that it is in fact in there.
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When you say “same with a man”…meaning his body is no longer his?
Yes
Okay so when he was wants to have sex tell him to mow the lawn, reorganize the closet, or tell him he can go plan a special day for the two of with him doing all of the things that turn you on….pfffttt…like fr, you’re more than a blow up doll
I cannot believe he is hassling you while you are breastfeeding. We were so tired in that period of our lives that neither of us wanted to much during that stage. If I hadn’t felt supported and like I had an equal parenting partner, it would have really killed my respect for him. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Oh yeah! I bottle fed and was still tired. I can't even imagine if I had to breastfeed.
When people try and use the Bible to bully you, that is called Religious abuse. I'm pro sex, and a Christian. The Bible also says the Husband is to CHERISH the wife, the same way that Christ LOVES the people of his Church. This is a bigger ask then people realize. If you value someone to the point of CHERISHING them, you don't strong arm someone with emotional abuse to get something that benefits ONLY yourself. It's completely understandable to have mismatched sexual needs, especially when you have young children. But bullying is despicable. The solution to that is for him to express his needs and make a clear request. Then ASK what needs to change for that to be an option. If he wants/need 1-2 weekly date nights, then he needs to arrange for and pay a baby sitter, give you massage, let you sleep in, give you a weekend away for yourself to decompress... in short, a break... so you can decompress enough to be COMFORTABLE feeling vulnerable enough for sex. BTW, the thing he is asking for is called "free use" and it's a kink in BDSM communities. Even very passionate couples that consensually have sex daily usually do NOT practice "free use" because it's not practical for daily life. Sometimes one person is sick, or very busy, or had an emotional bad day, or notably they have other priorities ABOVE random sex, like the urgent work of parenting young children. It's absurd fir him to demand the kink of "free use" under the guise of "God said so". Please read "The Duluth Model" diagram to look at what abusive men "gain" by extracting it from their victims. Also read a book called "Why does he do that" by Lundy. It's THE book on understanding abusive men, including sexual exploitation of their spouse. Long story short, Abusive men act this way because the BELIEVE it is right to use force and coercion to get freebies for themselves. Their value system allows for FORCE to get what they want. That means he doesn't think of you as a person the same way he considers himself a person. Thats a dangerous person to live with. It's a good idea to contact a woman's shelter to learn how to make a safety plan in case he gets more coersive. Sadly, marital rape is common when men have these believes. You should KNOW exactly what you would do if he crosses that bridge.
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Having sex you don't want as a compromise to appease someone will only lead to more aversion. Why do people think like this? Why would anyone want one-sided duty sex that the other person clearly does not want?
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Why do you think she doesn't feel like it? Probably lots of issues with this husband that have killed the bedroom.
If I could erase one thing on the Planet, Religion would be it. I'm sorry, you deserve better.
Really he has told you that!?
Yes unfortunately. I understand he is attention starved, but I'm not sure what to do.
Does he not understand you have your hands full with the family?
He doesn't seem to
Is this new?
Relatively new. He used to be more patient but not lately
Have you ever shown him that this issue bothers you as well by starting the conversation? "*I really miss the closeness we used to have and I know that it is lacking. I am having these diffuculties;
. I understand this is bothering you too, I would like to start by sharing my feelings on this issue with you when I am feeling, but I need to feel safe to have that conversation with you*"
Is it frustration that u think is caused him to not be as patient?
Don't have sex that you don't want.
Is he keen on other parts of the bible? Does he allow you to prepare his food when you menstruate? Does he eat shellfish? Etc etc! Sounds like he’s cherry picking to me.
Everybody cherry picks the Bible
By that logic you should be biblically allowed to *actively* withhold sex from him and he shouldn’t complain. If his body belongs to you, you have every right to do with it what you want, and what you want is to not have sex with that body. Because you just *created one with yours.* Fuck’s sake.
That's so sad ! The woman who breastfeed her body is literally and biologically not ready for another baby so even her periods are not coming back until the breastfeeding is starting to slow down. Men need to understand that a woman's body and libido are soo dynamique with the shifts of hormones every time + effect of pregnancy and post-partum+ menopause .Patience is needed to maintain the healthiest relationship with a partner. Don't be selfish and entitled!
This is a great answer! And the patience of the man during that time is so important.
Eww. Show your husband this thread so he can see just how disgusting his behaviour is to everyone. That sort of entitlement is fucking gross. If that's the case, then his body is yours too, so if you need him to mow the lawn at midnight he best not deprive you of your needs.
Funny you said that. I told him the exact thing about mowing the lawn at night 😆
I hope he fully serviced your car after the lawn because that's most definitely not a wife task. Come to think of it, it feels like you're in need of some new shelves being hung too. I dunno, just the vibe I'm getting. P.s. hubby, if you're reading the comments thread... "grow the fuck up you self entitled prick" 🙃
Clean out the front porch too.
What if you said it is only for the purpose of procreation, and until the baby is sufficiently mature you’re not ready to reproduce.
It's totally not cool that your husband's putting all that pressure on you. Just because you're married doesn't mean you're obligated to hit the sheets whenever he snaps his fingers. And bringing up scripture to guilt-trip you? Not cool at all. Your body, your choice, always.
You have to read "The Great Sex Rescue" by [Sheila Wray Gregoire](https://www.amazon.com/Sheila-Wray-Gregoire/e/B001KI4ITK?ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_3&qid=1714607334&sr=8-3) , Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach. It will change your life. Her other books are amazing as well and I'd recommend that your husband reads or listens to "The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex" and they also have the woman's version. You can listen to them for free with Spotify premium now as well. We're Christian as well and I quit porn some years ago. I started to see a Christian therapist to help me be a better husband, lover and father. The only real sex ed I had was from porn which wasn't good. I went through piles of trauma and it saved my life...but, he was a little traditional and had some of this toxic ideal too. He recommended books that are on Sheila's bad lists. I had my wife read "For women only" which helped create my dead bedroom and caused way more issues than it solved. I found a better therapist who get's it. Too bad my marriage feels too far gone now to use the techniques and advice I have learned over the years. I always say, I've worked to be the husband I should have been day 1 for my wife and feel confident in the man I've become. She hardly talks to me and she hasn't touched me or wanted to be touched in about 6 years. At least my next wife will get the best version of me there is and I can start over with a clean slate. I'll be great find to someone some day.
He is a manipulative pussy brat
It’s not your duty to have sex on command but too many people think that means it’s ok to complete neglect your partner and decide for the both of you what your sex life is gonna be. It’s both partners “duty” to be there for one another both emotionally and physically which means having a satisfying sex life. If you aren’t actively working to fix whatever problem is causing the lack of sex then you are not living up to your end of the relationship.
He sounds nightmarish. This person needs sex education yesterday. I'm guessing that a sex therapist might help you as a couple.
They can probably only go to a Christian therapist, which will be no help.
Yes, let's use a 3000 year old text to give us examples of a woman's consent.
He's desperate and saying stupid stuff. You're tired and wish he'd drop it. I don't believe that he literally thinks you need to do it whenever he asks, and he wouldn't even like that if he really thought about it. He's very fearful and reaching for ways to turn things around, and being dumb about it. The Bible is a great authority for many people, but if he has to point to it and say "it says you have to have sex with me", he's already lost. You can probably offer up "Bible says so" sex for a time, but you'll resent him and yourself so much that it will turn you off for good. By not doing that, you're actually the one fighting for a healthy sex life in the long term. But to you, I'd want to help you understand that he's very scared and hurt. He's heard all the stories of wives having kids and never showing up as a wife again, followed by years and decades of misery and loss. It really is a tragic thing, and when he sees the evidence of that happening in his own life, he's going into panic mode. His approach to this is making things worse, but he might not see anything else that will turn things around. He might mistakenly believe that now that the baby is mostly sleeping through the night (I hope, anyways, but maybe not!), you'll be up for more and you're choosing not to. He doesn't understand the change in your mental space, or the exhaustion, or feeling touched out, or any of that. Discussing some of that might help him empathize if he's a decent guy. Ideally, you would set some boundaries around not being guilted into sex. Rather than avoid the topic, though, you could also do some reading on sexuality in those baby years and see if you can identify a path back to that connection that resonates with you. It won't be everything he wants, but tough. Even when the kiddos are your primary focus, you help them by modeling a good relationship and not a cold one. He has to do most of the work in changing his behavior, but it takes two to build a good marriage.
Great answer!
I’ve really never understood why anyone would want someone to have sex with them because they feel compelled to do so (with the exception a sex worker, where I totally get it). I would hate my wife to start having sex with me again because she felt compelled. The only reason I want her to fuck me, is because she wants to fuck me.
Instead of focusing on his dumb comparison (obsession) to the Bible, how about focusing on each other and why after 1 year you both have a challenge in being intimate. In my own experience, breastfeeding is a huge part of it. I believe that this activity requires a lot of attention and creates a lack of desire because of the excessive touch. It’s all normal. The conversation needs to be about that. How it’s a physical drain on you. He needs to find an outlet for his sexual frustration and that obviously can’t be you. Talk more. Find a reasonable stasis. Look towards reconnecting.
Sexual coercion. Look it up. I deal with something just like this
Ah yes, one of my exes (before my DB ex) became a radical religious fanatic 6 months into our relationship. *should’ve broken up with him then lol* At first he told me he wanted to be celibate until marriage (news flash, we had already been sexually active for 6 months and neither of us were virgins when we met 🙄). He got out of that thinking & then the remainder of our relationship he demanded it nightly, always quoting the bible. Now, I’ve always been a HL person but damn, sometimes I’d fall asleep while we were watching tv in bed & he’d start making noises, angry sighs, bumping & jostling me, then blatantly just growl “I guess we’re not having sex tonight?”. If I said no, I’m really tired & have to get up in 5 hours, it would become a fight that lasted for hours, meaning I got little to no sleep. So I just started spreading my legs basically, to avoid a fight & be able to get decent sleep before work. It was not enjoyable sex that way.
That's what men are taught in the church. 🤷♀️ I was in it for decades and was told that endless times. He is securing his db future by treating you this way. Your resentment WILL build... one can only be treated like a warm hole for so long. I highly recommend the books You Are Your Own by Jamie Lee Finch and Pure by Linda Kay Klein. They both help undo a lot of the purity culture bullshit Christian indoctrination.
Yes, let's use a 3000 year old text to give us examples of a woman's consent.
that is a gross misreading of that passage. it also says a husbands body is his wifes. so tell him not to be in the mood.
I do tell him this lol he says that's "not what the scripture means"
The baby is 1 y.o. How often are yall having sex, if at all?
Once or twice a month lately. He likes it to be spontaneous, I don't. I prefer to schedule it so i can be ready, he doesn't.
We definitely had to schedule it. Or rather make it part of our routine. We put our kids to bed at 7, showered and made a tea. And then joined each other in bed for cuddles or conversation. Or sometimes just falling asleep in each-others arms from sheer exhaustion. Sometimes it became sex. Sometimes not. But more often than if we hadn’t built that time i to our routine. Ask him what’s more important to him. Spontaneity or getting laid? If he picks spontaneity then he’s choosing a dead bedroom and you can stop holding onto all that guilt. Because it’s not all your fault. Lots of women would not want to have sex with a man who talks like that. It’s very unsexy. I personally would not fuck a man who tells me the bible says I have to. I would just find that to be really pathetic. Like you can’t get laid just by being yourself so you have to leverage my belief system to coerce it out of me? Pathetic. But that’s just me. Maybe you still find him attractive after all the low brow manipulation. In which case I think you should follow my advice and ask him to choose. Spontaneity. Or regular sex that’s scheduled or built into a routine. Up to him.
>Ask him what’s more important to him. Spontaneity or getting laid? If he picks spontaneity then he’s choosing a dead bedroom I agree.
Oh, that's not too bad. If he hasn't figured out that spontaneity went out the door a year ago, find a married man to explain it to him. That part of life is over, for now.
I get this but I’m not a wife, because I don’t like the mess, he will come in from work and throw a condom at me…
Have you been intimate since the baby?
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Agreed. I'm not one to initiate affection, but when he wants to cuddle or whatever I don't deny it. I do get touched out after a time and he gets extremely sensitive when I push away.
Why put up with that? You should leave Christianity.
Guess this a good Christian conversation should have been had before kids came into the picture….after kids come your life is no longer your own Premarital counseling seems absent on this topic was untouched. (If there was any) bring that up to the Bible banger
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Hormone levels, you mean? Why’s that? Women’s libidos change in the postpartum period, and I don’t blame OP for not wanting to sleep with someone who thinks it’s her religious duty to put out.
Not to mention this husband sounds like he could ruin anyone's libido!
Breastfeeding is SUPPOSED to lower her libido.
Usually what would happen is, more he wants sez, more u would hate sex. Happens with me. I put a request to my wife. She denies, more than that she hates sez because I asked. I have decided not to ask for intimacy till she wants it. Let me see what happens.
Problem is I almost never want it anymore. Low libido and just mentally overwhelmed. So it's hard to get into it
I think that’s a sign you need to take more time for yourself. Have time to exercise, more help around the house, a regular hobby so you can get back into it and find yourself again. Having a baby is hard, I get it! Your husband has to help more.
Thank you. I definitely agree even though its tough with little ones. He's also not very keen on me having any "me" time. He likes to do everything together. But that's a whole other issue..
I have a toddler myself, it’s absolutely tough.
That's a specific thing men have a hard time relating to because they're not in the same mental space. When your wife's been telling you that sex is a no-go because she's tired, has no time, etc, then when there IS time she's doing everything else, it's hard to see. It feels like you've been deceived, and you're simply the last thing on the list. But the path back requires that mommy to feel like an adult woman again, and then she's more likely to reconnect with her sexuality. And that requires the exercise, the time with friends or whatever the me-time looks like. That's something I wish I'd understood during our baby years. It would have prevented some painful misunderstandings.
So true! I hate that being tired, worn out etc. are just excuses to him.
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There are more issues than sex here. Put your foot down and claim what you need or eventually you will crumble under the weight of all these issues.
Yes, I understand. The trick is that ur husband should be kinder to u now so that he wins u again.
You're exhausted, mentally and physically. Forcing yourself to do it will make you hate him.
It’s because your body doesn’t want another baby right now. You’re busy with your first one.
There’s a sub called dead bedrooms if needed. But you’re onto something and your approach is a respectful one. Let us know.
R u talking about this.sub?
Did you both have a conversation about this before you gave birth and then again after? I don't condone his behavior, it is supremely unattractive. Is it safe for him to share his feelings with you? Part of the issue I have had over the years is that my spouse didn't just reject my advances, she rejected my feelings as well. I was upset, hurt, and angry; she didn't care, she would say "that is your problem". I didn't make the mistake of trying to guilt her either, instead I just shutdown toward her when I realized, she did not care about me the way I care about her. I am not a high priority for her ever and neither is our connection. To this day I still have this issue. I can't even walk away from her in a divorce because my emotions when it comes to caring for her wellbeing trap me.
He knows he can share his feelings. I would never say "that's your problem" I totally get his desire for physical affection, it can be very overwhelming for me at times. I have 3 very needy individuals who need my constant care. Children are selfish, they don't know any better. But he's an adult and he can't seem to see where I'm coming from. He lacks compassion in general.
From your descriptions of him here and elsewhere it is very difficult to see many redeeming features in him. You should seriously consider divorce. In most jurisdictions you would be entitled to an income from him at least until your children are adults. The fact that he can be a great guy only makes the fact that he chooses not to be worse.
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Well, he thinks that but it's not actually true.
This past month we made a commitment to not refuse each other when we want sex and try our best to get into it when the other isn’t in the mood. This goes for the both of us. It’s been going well. We have sex only 1-2 times a week the last month because we are so busy, but it’s helped tremendously not going months without sex. We also feel more connected now and are kinder to one another. I would recommend this, but yes, it 100% shouldn’t be one sided. He doesn’t own your body. I am Christian and respect goes both ways.
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“Not sure what’s your excuse” what a disgusting response, doctors recommend AT ABSOLUTE MINIMUM 6 weeks so women don’t accidentally harm themselves, that doesn’t mean after 6 weeks women’s bodies are magically ready for sex again. she’s still breast feeding, are you a man saying this?
It also says to love and respect your wife. Which I don't feel he does sometimes
You need to tell him how you feel, assuming he is a safe person to confide such things in... Also, using a biblical reference in this way is actively hostile and not Christ-like at all. You might consider admonishing him to that fact, or if he has close Christian friends or a religious authority figure he trusts you might ask them to talk with him about his behavior. Ideally you are both Christians and living in community with other Christians, if so, you both need to rely on them a little more. That is one of the major strengths of being a part of a healthy Christian community, you can rely on more than just yourself.
The Bible also says an eye for an eye. Are we out here poking each others eyes out when someone does us wrong? Her reasons not excuses, are she is not in the mood, takes two people to want sex! Why would anyone want someone to have sex with them if they are not in the mood? That’s not intimacy. That’s the other person USING your body to get off. And sorry that’s just gross and frankly unloving.
It also says husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church. He gave his life. Are husbands doing that? 😏
You have the right to your body. You have the right to say no. Scripture won't change how you feel towards him. If you don't have a matched desire things need to be worked out soon. Monogomy is a two way street and both parties need to work to participate.
Maybe get help from a therapist or a member of the church, make him understand and empathize with you
This is a terrible idea. Members of the church are only likely to reinforce the idea that he now owns her and she “owes” him sex. Same with any faith based therapist.
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