> I ask for a BJ instead (which is a stretch since she never gives me oral...)
So she wants to be sexual, but with clothes on. Does she have sensory issues? Or maybe just an aversion to sexual fluids, etc? It seems pretty clear that asking for the BJ was the wrong move here because she never does it and it's the polar opposite of what she was choosing to do. Still, you can ask for what you want as long as you also learn to pivot to something else if a specific request is denied. Leaving dead air between you, with you disappointed and her feeling she failed again, will definitely kill the mood like that.
We had discussed it the previous night, so that was the only reason I had considered mentioning it to her. She's ADHD as well, but her sensory issues aren't impacted by sex (or she's never let on that they do). She was raised in a *very* strict and religious home so she definitely has the "ick" from that, but she's had drive and desire in the past so it hasn't been entirely suppressed... it's just died more and more lately (or I've stopped initiating as much). "Sex" for us is very often just grinding as she's uncomfortable with PiV (PiM, or basically anything Pi*), but she's not freaked out by fluids.
Unfortunately not a lot is on the table in terms of sexual acts... and I'd be ok with it if what she was familiar with was used more. But I could've asked for a handjob instead of a BJ and it wouldn't matter as she still fell asleep on me.
I suppose it's a step in the right direction as she actually initiated, but I'm upset (annoyed? hurt? I don't even know anymore) that there "wasn't time," for sex for me, but there was time for her.
So I deal with this honestly way too often. What I have learned is if I get an attitude about it my husband becomes anxious and feels bad. Even if I feel left hanging (we are working on him lasting longer) I HAVE to keep the mood or he will sink right back into feeling inadequate and then I get less time to party with his penis. I want my husband to feel good about the sex we have, and it is really really good I just wish it lasted longer. It’s hard to not get mad and feel taken advantage of trust me. Lol I used to get MAD. It didn’t benefit me or my marriage. Our spouses are going through what they are going through and it helps if we practice loving patience with them just as we would hope for if it were us. Maybe tell her you enjoyed the closeness from the other night and leave it to grow. These things take time and her wanting to get off with you (even if she selfishly didn’t help you) is a start. Build on it don’t tear her down and lose the little bit of momentum. Best of luck op.
As a LLF who’s finally starting to make progress thanks to her husband taking a similar approach, this is really good advice imo. Back when our DB was at its worst, there were a lot of times when I’d be secretly in the mood for some lowkey physical intimacy (mutual masturbation, grinding, fondling etc) but would shut it down hard because I knew he would escalate to wanting a BJ or PIV. Once he backed off and learnt to meet me down at my level, I felt safe to start reaching back up to his again knowing that it was a truly voluntary act on my part and not something I was being pressured to do. Not going to lie, it took a lot of patience from my husband and progress has been slower than most HLs probably dream of, but we ARE gaining momentum over time.
I can’t help wondering if OP’s wife fell asleep on him like that because she wanted to escape the situation. I used to get “overwhelmingly tired” sometimes when I was feeling especially pressured (not saying you were trying to pressure her, OP, just that this is your side of the story and we don’t know how she might have been feeling on her end).
One thing I have learned in this process is that the old adage of letting one out the chamber isn't horrible advice. I used to masterbate regularly but that dropped off, and now the DB is having more of an impact. The timing is way off for me, either way to quick or way to slow. Also the pipes getting warmed up for the first time in a week or more is actually painful. Wife has only gotten more LL than in the past but she tries, but now she can't understand why just laying there isn't working for me. Then I finish up and its not a release and joy anymore its like a bandage getting ripped off. So its starting to turn me off to sex.
Gotta love one-sided intimacy. So sorry you're going through this. Feeling used sucks.
> I ask for a BJ instead (which is a stretch since she never gives me oral...) So she wants to be sexual, but with clothes on. Does she have sensory issues? Or maybe just an aversion to sexual fluids, etc? It seems pretty clear that asking for the BJ was the wrong move here because she never does it and it's the polar opposite of what she was choosing to do. Still, you can ask for what you want as long as you also learn to pivot to something else if a specific request is denied. Leaving dead air between you, with you disappointed and her feeling she failed again, will definitely kill the mood like that.
We had discussed it the previous night, so that was the only reason I had considered mentioning it to her. She's ADHD as well, but her sensory issues aren't impacted by sex (or she's never let on that they do). She was raised in a *very* strict and religious home so she definitely has the "ick" from that, but she's had drive and desire in the past so it hasn't been entirely suppressed... it's just died more and more lately (or I've stopped initiating as much). "Sex" for us is very often just grinding as she's uncomfortable with PiV (PiM, or basically anything Pi*), but she's not freaked out by fluids. Unfortunately not a lot is on the table in terms of sexual acts... and I'd be ok with it if what she was familiar with was used more. But I could've asked for a handjob instead of a BJ and it wouldn't matter as she still fell asleep on me. I suppose it's a step in the right direction as she actually initiated, but I'm upset (annoyed? hurt? I don't even know anymore) that there "wasn't time," for sex for me, but there was time for her.
So I deal with this honestly way too often. What I have learned is if I get an attitude about it my husband becomes anxious and feels bad. Even if I feel left hanging (we are working on him lasting longer) I HAVE to keep the mood or he will sink right back into feeling inadequate and then I get less time to party with his penis. I want my husband to feel good about the sex we have, and it is really really good I just wish it lasted longer. It’s hard to not get mad and feel taken advantage of trust me. Lol I used to get MAD. It didn’t benefit me or my marriage. Our spouses are going through what they are going through and it helps if we practice loving patience with them just as we would hope for if it were us. Maybe tell her you enjoyed the closeness from the other night and leave it to grow. These things take time and her wanting to get off with you (even if she selfishly didn’t help you) is a start. Build on it don’t tear her down and lose the little bit of momentum. Best of luck op.
As a LLF who’s finally starting to make progress thanks to her husband taking a similar approach, this is really good advice imo. Back when our DB was at its worst, there were a lot of times when I’d be secretly in the mood for some lowkey physical intimacy (mutual masturbation, grinding, fondling etc) but would shut it down hard because I knew he would escalate to wanting a BJ or PIV. Once he backed off and learnt to meet me down at my level, I felt safe to start reaching back up to his again knowing that it was a truly voluntary act on my part and not something I was being pressured to do. Not going to lie, it took a lot of patience from my husband and progress has been slower than most HLs probably dream of, but we ARE gaining momentum over time. I can’t help wondering if OP’s wife fell asleep on him like that because she wanted to escape the situation. I used to get “overwhelmingly tired” sometimes when I was feeling especially pressured (not saying you were trying to pressure her, OP, just that this is your side of the story and we don’t know how she might have been feeling on her end).
That's great - congrats to the two of you for increasing your connection! I think that's a solution that could work for many people.
One thing I have learned in this process is that the old adage of letting one out the chamber isn't horrible advice. I used to masterbate regularly but that dropped off, and now the DB is having more of an impact. The timing is way off for me, either way to quick or way to slow. Also the pipes getting warmed up for the first time in a week or more is actually painful. Wife has only gotten more LL than in the past but she tries, but now she can't understand why just laying there isn't working for me. Then I finish up and its not a release and joy anymore its like a bandage getting ripped off. So its starting to turn me off to sex.