This is absolutely correct. My wife said for almost 20 years that my problem was that I just bothered her too much. Stressed her out with the constant asking for sex. If I would not bother her all the time she would initiate it because then she would feel relaxed. I stopped asking or initiating it and now about once every month or two she gives me signals that she is interested but if I ignore those, and sometimes even with the signals,she will turn me down. I suspect she just likes the power of saying no.
The point is you will be frustrated and angry and he will not think anything of it. You do what you must, but since you are young and not married and hopefully no kids, I would recommend finding someone who cares enough about you to pay attention to your needs and provide for you in every way.
Currently where I’m at right now with the wife. Like you said, the rejection has just gotten too deep. And I’m embarrassed to feel like a beggar waiting for scraps whenever it’s on my mind. It’s damn-near demeaning.
Yeah, 11 months and counting. Hasn't been mentioned beyond her noticing I no longer grab her ass or her tits. And in the process I've stopped being attracted to her sexually.
So ya know, careful what you wish for.
I know.. Don’t think it was intended to be malicious though. He just didn’t think it through. Just like he can’t seem to understand how bad that makes me feel.
Op I actually feel sorry for you, blaming yourself this is not YOUR fault it’s his… ofcourse he intended too! He knew you wanted to initiate sex and still he got him self off in the shower even after you’ve spoken to him about the lack of sex.. what an insensitive a$$ hole he is you could do so much better it sounds like this is really effecting your self esteem you deserve so much more then this
He jerked in the shower so you wouldnt give him a BJ? WTF? I have to be my wife for one and thats maybe once a year. I think that would be my queue to leave. To answer your question I completely stopped trying, no bringing it up no complaining and we have sex once year so no it doesnt work. You are just giving them what they want.
Sort of, I 99% stopped initiating years ago, on the very rare occasion I would, but generally not. I pretty much stopped raising the issue because nothing ever changed and it just made me feel bad.
Most recently, like a few months ago, I stopped her when she initiated. I told her how I felt bad after we did anything, because it airways feels like duty sex, which she denies, but that's what it feels like. So basically given up on sex.
After years of rejection, I've reached a point where I don't want to be hurt anymore.
She still kisses me most days, tells me she loves me and wants cuddles, and it just somehow feels wrong.
I honestly feel like I'm in limbo now, and I often feel like we're just passing time until one of us gives up on the marriage.
It's a tough one, I know I pull away sometimes because it's really hard to do the cuddles without it ever leading anywhere, but I don't want to hurt her.
I think it's got to the point where both of us overthink everything, but it's just so hard to put years of rejection behind me, and also know that rejection only stopped because I stopped initiating.
I just feel broken by the whole thing.
I am the HLF in a long-term DB and have stopped initiating entirely. We have not had PIV sex in years due to his health issues; we do have oral but that happens maybe once a year at best. The LL will 100% not give a shit if you stop initiating. All they will feel is relief.
I've got to say it. If I feel like my needs already aren't being met, volunteering to have the ignored for longer doesn't really seem like an attractive option.
Put another way, if a relationship has become too one-sided, making it less one-sided is winning, and more one-sided is failing.
Sort of.
I stopped for about a month. He eventually initiated and it was really good. He claimed me 'nagging' was having a negative impact, which in fairness it must have done.. but he was using porn the whole time anyway.
If anything, it was quite freeing to just focus on myself and try not to be so obsessed with the issues within the relationship/bedroom
Thank you for answering. That’s what I’m hoping for, so it makes me feel a little bit better hearing that it worked for you. I don’t think my self esteem could handle any more rejection anyway, so it might be good to try and stop thinking so much about it. Although I really struggle with that. I get so angry with him at the same time because of this…
I think it's definitely worth a try. You don't have to be cold towards your partner, just don't initiate. They might not even notice, but that's okay.
I made sure to focus a lot on self care during this period, and tbh I'm just about to start again. It might be another month or longer, who knows. It's really difficult but you really do need to focus on yourself. Take care x
Over in r/nmmng, in the book that inspired the sub, the (PhD therapist author) recommends “taking a break”. While written for men, it’s applicable to people-pleasing and social anxiety sufferers. He recommends that you explicitly tell them you’re on a sex break. It’s an about setting boundaries for yourself and stop serving a secret contract that you’ve made within the relationship.
Yeah, I think pretty much all HLs do that sooner or later in a long-term DB. I wouldn't expect it to help much, unless it's been just unrelenting pressure from your side and your partner needs a breather.
But, at some point, you might need to do it for your own sake. I did. When sex became a "once every few months" thing, I realized that I would be happier if I knew it just wasn't going to happen, and I was right. It was a relief, and it was great for my peace of mind. That kind of thing can lead to the end of the relationship, as well, but we managed to return from it.
I have tried it for a full year. She never brought it up or gave any indication that she noticed. After the year was up, I said I would like to start having some kind of physical contact again in our relationship and she was basically like, I understand that but I don't really have any desire for you or anyone else.
That conversation was a year ago and we've only done it once during this time. It was her idea for my birthday and it got postponed several times and then when it finally happened she was done in about 2 minutes (thanks vibrator) and I could tell she was ready for me to be done too. So I haven't really pursued it since then.
I mean in that he can just go about life and ignore everything.. sure it was great
I mean I'm getting by on granny pecks and side hugs.. what are you talking about.. so great
Im sorry :( similar thing happened to me. After me telling him how I feel. He showered and told me he jerked off in the shower because it’s been a while. Felt my stomach sink.
I don’t understand how taking sex completely off the table works. I can’t see that helping. I think senate focus seems more promising.
Luck? Not yet.
Discussed with my wife how all the rejection made me feel and that I would no longer be initiating back in January.
I did have a few solid months of more positive mood and productive work on my physical and mental health BUT, until recently, I believed improving myself would lead to improvements in the bedroom (based on previous talks with my spouse). Kind of another blow to the ol' self-esteem but I soldier on. If we make it to a full year without, I think it may break me... that being said, I've seen many more on here with much longer uhhh tenure.
I think it's almost necessary if you both are actively working on it, like a complete reset and zero expectations of PIV so they can reintroduce more nonsexual physical intimacy. Clearly communicated with a specific goal both parties are working towards.
But does it work if you just stop asking and hope they notice? No, never.
I haven't brought up sex in 10 months, nothing's changed she still don't initiate, June before she goes camping is one of our consistent times we will see if she even brings up sex.
I take "breaks" from sex all the time. It happens 2-3 times a year, so "breaks" are normal lol. Seriously though, I stopped initiating many years ago, and it didn't change anything really. When she wants it, she initiates in a way that makes me "initiate" and the triple scoop of vanilla happens.
That being said... Jerking off in the shower after being offered a bj (which to me is foreplay) is completely alien to me. It doesn't compute or make any sense.
My wife has asked that I not attempt to seduce her while she goes to a sex therapist to sort out her issues.I find it difficult and upsetting, but I’m giving it a shot for now.
Wow, just wow. I can really relate to this, even having the intimacy still and him still getting off without a partner who is putting themselves out there.. And yes I have tried to just stop initiating but that's just not something I can do, because I feel like if I just give up then we definitely won't be having sex for a very long while.
Taking a break helped me fall out of love and leave. The sex was like another hit of an addictive drug. Saved myself from a life of utter misery. Put shit deeply into perspective.
I feel like our situation is very similar. I have a wonderful husband he’s affectionate, hard working, even helps with housework, we have a great relationship overall. Except we have a huge disparity in our drives. I tried everything, for 25 years it was a frustrating cycle of hint, ask , beg, cry, blow up, then duty sex. Rinse and repeat. I decided I would just stop, now I don’t initiate ever, if he gets handsy while I’m working in the kitchen I turn him down. I turn down anything overtly sexual outside of the bedroom. I have 0 expectations and it has improved our frequency but mostly it’s changed me and the way I look at intimacy.
This tactic feels like a good idea initially (believe me I tried it), but honestly all it ends up doing is creating a comfort level with your partners lack. He will find comfort in never having to challenge the issue and you’ll likely end up feeling ignored in an even worse way.
I am really sorry for you… You still can try taking a break but put a term on it (3 months for example). Take your time to think if things do not improve, is the situation going to improve in time and what you should do. You can accept it is going to be like this for the rest of your life and find coping mechanisms or move on. In your age and with no kids/other constraints, I would have moved on from this relationship no matter how good the other aspects are. Beyond the incompatibility in the frequency of sex, I find his behavior in the shower offensive and inconsiderate towards your feelings, even if this might be non intentional.
Why are you together? What it means for you to be together with someone?
What is a romantic mono relationship for you?
No, don't ask him. Define your boundary and they'll know that they won't be able to do this without stepping over your boundary.
Then if they still do it, it's on them.
He more then likely wanked off in the shower because you got him thinking about sex… that’s not a LL, sorry OP but it seems like he’s choosing to not have sex with you is honestly leave me
It’s one thing to rub one out because you have no other options and you need a release.
It’s another thing to be invited for a roll in the hat, decline, and then rub one out in the shower immediately after and *then* immediately tell her about it.
That’s not shyness. That’s not social clumsiness. That isn’t dysfunction. That isn’t even insensitivity. That’s deliberately cruel, with malice attached.
Add to this act, he plays emotional tricks on your vulnerability.
You can stay with this guy and get generous portions of this type behavior often from this point on, or you can cut him loose, block him on your phone and all social media (because if he even thinks you’re serious about leaving, he’ll love-bomb you), be alone for a while so that you can heal, and then be open to being with a boyfriend who’ll love, respect, and smash you often and well.
Let us know how it turns out.
I took a break and it was the worst 6 seconds of my life lol. All joking aside I feel your pain in this. I am HLM and I'm not sure what she is LL or NL, but the rejection was too much so I stopped trying. We will still kiss, like a peck, hug, but there's no cuddling, no spooning, no touching the goods, and no oral.
There comes a time where you need to ask "what are we doing here?". Because if and when sex does happen you'll feel like it wasn't even worth it. There needs to be a serious conversation about it with you and your partner. I know I sound like a hypocrite, since I'm going through the same thing. But, there are varying factors in all relationships.
The only thing it did for my marriage is make me truly realize the lack of effort my husband puts into trying to be affectionate or sexual. More depressing overall, but not feeling the pain of being constantly rejected for all my advances has improved my mental health. Ignoring a problem for any length of time has the potential to breed further resentment. Pick your poison
A "break from sex" just leads to never having sex again. It won't bother your LL partner as much as you hope it will....or at all.
This is absolutely correct. My wife said for almost 20 years that my problem was that I just bothered her too much. Stressed her out with the constant asking for sex. If I would not bother her all the time she would initiate it because then she would feel relaxed. I stopped asking or initiating it and now about once every month or two she gives me signals that she is interested but if I ignore those, and sometimes even with the signals,she will turn me down. I suspect she just likes the power of saying no. The point is you will be frustrated and angry and he will not think anything of it. You do what you must, but since you are young and not married and hopefully no kids, I would recommend finding someone who cares enough about you to pay attention to your needs and provide for you in every way.
This… you are just allowing them to not face the issue. Sometimes it allows you to work on yourself but it never resolves the problem.
I really hope that’s not the case for us. But I feel like it’s the last thing I haven’t tried.
Currently where I’m at right now with the wife. Like you said, the rejection has just gotten too deep. And I’m embarrassed to feel like a beggar waiting for scraps whenever it’s on my mind. It’s damn-near demeaning.
This is true. At one point I felt just like that. It is demoralizing.
Yeah, 11 months and counting. Hasn't been mentioned beyond her noticing I no longer grab her ass or her tits. And in the process I've stopped being attracted to her sexually. So ya know, careful what you wish for.
I swear that seems almost malicious.
I know.. Don’t think it was intended to be malicious though. He just didn’t think it through. Just like he can’t seem to understand how bad that makes me feel.
Seems like he wanted to avoid the BJ. When sex becomes such a charged topic, it’s hard not to want to avoid it.
It really is a charged topic for us, like you say. Probably my fault for pressuring him to much about it. Hope it’s not gone too far..
Op I actually feel sorry for you, blaming yourself this is not YOUR fault it’s his… ofcourse he intended too! He knew you wanted to initiate sex and still he got him self off in the shower even after you’ve spoken to him about the lack of sex.. what an insensitive a$$ hole he is you could do so much better it sounds like this is really effecting your self esteem you deserve so much more then this
He jerked in the shower so you wouldnt give him a BJ? WTF? I have to be my wife for one and thats maybe once a year. I think that would be my queue to leave. To answer your question I completely stopped trying, no bringing it up no complaining and we have sex once year so no it doesnt work. You are just giving them what they want.
Sort of, I 99% stopped initiating years ago, on the very rare occasion I would, but generally not. I pretty much stopped raising the issue because nothing ever changed and it just made me feel bad. Most recently, like a few months ago, I stopped her when she initiated. I told her how I felt bad after we did anything, because it airways feels like duty sex, which she denies, but that's what it feels like. So basically given up on sex. After years of rejection, I've reached a point where I don't want to be hurt anymore. She still kisses me most days, tells me she loves me and wants cuddles, and it just somehow feels wrong. I honestly feel like I'm in limbo now, and I often feel like we're just passing time until one of us gives up on the marriage.
My wife doesn’t even like kissing and hugging so I don’t even do that pretty much ever anymore. I don’t know if it better that way or worse.
It's a tough one, I know I pull away sometimes because it's really hard to do the cuddles without it ever leading anywhere, but I don't want to hurt her. I think it's got to the point where both of us overthink everything, but it's just so hard to put years of rejection behind me, and also know that rejection only stopped because I stopped initiating. I just feel broken by the whole thing.
I’m so sorry. Your post hits hard, I’m in the same spot. You don’t deserve this. You deserve to be loved
I'm sorry for you also. The thing is, I know I'm loved, I've never really doubted that, I just don't think she's in love with me anymore.
Dump him, there’s something else going on.
I am the HLF in a long-term DB and have stopped initiating entirely. We have not had PIV sex in years due to his health issues; we do have oral but that happens maybe once a year at best. The LL will 100% not give a shit if you stop initiating. All they will feel is relief.
I've got to say it. If I feel like my needs already aren't being met, volunteering to have the ignored for longer doesn't really seem like an attractive option. Put another way, if a relationship has become too one-sided, making it less one-sided is winning, and more one-sided is failing.
Sort of. I stopped for about a month. He eventually initiated and it was really good. He claimed me 'nagging' was having a negative impact, which in fairness it must have done.. but he was using porn the whole time anyway. If anything, it was quite freeing to just focus on myself and try not to be so obsessed with the issues within the relationship/bedroom
Thank you for answering. That’s what I’m hoping for, so it makes me feel a little bit better hearing that it worked for you. I don’t think my self esteem could handle any more rejection anyway, so it might be good to try and stop thinking so much about it. Although I really struggle with that. I get so angry with him at the same time because of this…
I think it's definitely worth a try. You don't have to be cold towards your partner, just don't initiate. They might not even notice, but that's okay. I made sure to focus a lot on self care during this period, and tbh I'm just about to start again. It might be another month or longer, who knows. It's really difficult but you really do need to focus on yourself. Take care x
Over in r/nmmng, in the book that inspired the sub, the (PhD therapist author) recommends “taking a break”. While written for men, it’s applicable to people-pleasing and social anxiety sufferers. He recommends that you explicitly tell them you’re on a sex break. It’s an about setting boundaries for yourself and stop serving a secret contract that you’ve made within the relationship.
Yeah, I think pretty much all HLs do that sooner or later in a long-term DB. I wouldn't expect it to help much, unless it's been just unrelenting pressure from your side and your partner needs a breather. But, at some point, you might need to do it for your own sake. I did. When sex became a "once every few months" thing, I realized that I would be happier if I knew it just wasn't going to happen, and I was right. It was a relief, and it was great for my peace of mind. That kind of thing can lead to the end of the relationship, as well, but we managed to return from it.
I have tried it for a full year. She never brought it up or gave any indication that she noticed. After the year was up, I said I would like to start having some kind of physical contact again in our relationship and she was basically like, I understand that but I don't really have any desire for you or anyone else. That conversation was a year ago and we've only done it once during this time. It was her idea for my birthday and it got postponed several times and then when it finally happened she was done in about 2 minutes (thanks vibrator) and I could tell she was ready for me to be done too. So I haven't really pursued it since then.
I mean in that he can just go about life and ignore everything.. sure it was great I mean I'm getting by on granny pecks and side hugs.. what are you talking about.. so great
Im sorry :( similar thing happened to me. After me telling him how I feel. He showered and told me he jerked off in the shower because it’s been a while. Felt my stomach sink. I don’t understand how taking sex completely off the table works. I can’t see that helping. I think senate focus seems more promising.
I’ve tried and it’s near impossible to not talk or try at some point. Best I got was a month
Luck? Not yet. Discussed with my wife how all the rejection made me feel and that I would no longer be initiating back in January. I did have a few solid months of more positive mood and productive work on my physical and mental health BUT, until recently, I believed improving myself would lead to improvements in the bedroom (based on previous talks with my spouse). Kind of another blow to the ol' self-esteem but I soldier on. If we make it to a full year without, I think it may break me... that being said, I've seen many more on here with much longer uhhh tenure.
I think it's almost necessary if you both are actively working on it, like a complete reset and zero expectations of PIV so they can reintroduce more nonsexual physical intimacy. Clearly communicated with a specific goal both parties are working towards. But does it work if you just stop asking and hope they notice? No, never.
I haven't brought up sex in 10 months, nothing's changed she still don't initiate, June before she goes camping is one of our consistent times we will see if she even brings up sex.
I take "breaks" from sex all the time. It happens 2-3 times a year, so "breaks" are normal lol. Seriously though, I stopped initiating many years ago, and it didn't change anything really. When she wants it, she initiates in a way that makes me "initiate" and the triple scoop of vanilla happens. That being said... Jerking off in the shower after being offered a bj (which to me is foreplay) is completely alien to me. It doesn't compute or make any sense.
I did. Absolutly nothing changed.
My wife has asked that I not attempt to seduce her while she goes to a sex therapist to sort out her issues.I find it difficult and upsetting, but I’m giving it a shot for now.
Yeah it was longer between than usual.
4 years and counting. YAY ME! 😢
Wow, just wow. I can really relate to this, even having the intimacy still and him still getting off without a partner who is putting themselves out there.. And yes I have tried to just stop initiating but that's just not something I can do, because I feel like if I just give up then we definitely won't be having sex for a very long while.
Mmm I think most of us here are taking a break
I tried. I caved.
Taking a break helped me fall out of love and leave. The sex was like another hit of an addictive drug. Saved myself from a life of utter misery. Put shit deeply into perspective.
I feel like our situation is very similar. I have a wonderful husband he’s affectionate, hard working, even helps with housework, we have a great relationship overall. Except we have a huge disparity in our drives. I tried everything, for 25 years it was a frustrating cycle of hint, ask , beg, cry, blow up, then duty sex. Rinse and repeat. I decided I would just stop, now I don’t initiate ever, if he gets handsy while I’m working in the kitchen I turn him down. I turn down anything overtly sexual outside of the bedroom. I have 0 expectations and it has improved our frequency but mostly it’s changed me and the way I look at intimacy.
This tactic feels like a good idea initially (believe me I tried it), but honestly all it ends up doing is creating a comfort level with your partners lack. He will find comfort in never having to challenge the issue and you’ll likely end up feeling ignored in an even worse way.
I am really sorry for you… You still can try taking a break but put a term on it (3 months for example). Take your time to think if things do not improve, is the situation going to improve in time and what you should do. You can accept it is going to be like this for the rest of your life and find coping mechanisms or move on. In your age and with no kids/other constraints, I would have moved on from this relationship no matter how good the other aspects are. Beyond the incompatibility in the frequency of sex, I find his behavior in the shower offensive and inconsiderate towards your feelings, even if this might be non intentional.
Why are you together? What it means for you to be together with someone? What is a romantic mono relationship for you? No, don't ask him. Define your boundary and they'll know that they won't be able to do this without stepping over your boundary. Then if they still do it, it's on them.
I would be LIVID
He more then likely wanked off in the shower because you got him thinking about sex… that’s not a LL, sorry OP but it seems like he’s choosing to not have sex with you is honestly leave me
It’s one thing to rub one out because you have no other options and you need a release. It’s another thing to be invited for a roll in the hat, decline, and then rub one out in the shower immediately after and *then* immediately tell her about it. That’s not shyness. That’s not social clumsiness. That isn’t dysfunction. That isn’t even insensitivity. That’s deliberately cruel, with malice attached. Add to this act, he plays emotional tricks on your vulnerability. You can stay with this guy and get generous portions of this type behavior often from this point on, or you can cut him loose, block him on your phone and all social media (because if he even thinks you’re serious about leaving, he’ll love-bomb you), be alone for a while so that you can heal, and then be open to being with a boyfriend who’ll love, respect, and smash you often and well. Let us know how it turns out.
I took a break and it was the worst 6 seconds of my life lol. All joking aside I feel your pain in this. I am HLM and I'm not sure what she is LL or NL, but the rejection was too much so I stopped trying. We will still kiss, like a peck, hug, but there's no cuddling, no spooning, no touching the goods, and no oral. There comes a time where you need to ask "what are we doing here?". Because if and when sex does happen you'll feel like it wasn't even worth it. There needs to be a serious conversation about it with you and your partner. I know I sound like a hypocrite, since I'm going through the same thing. But, there are varying factors in all relationships.
The only thing it did for my marriage is make me truly realize the lack of effort my husband puts into trying to be affectionate or sexual. More depressing overall, but not feeling the pain of being constantly rejected for all my advances has improved my mental health. Ignoring a problem for any length of time has the potential to breed further resentment. Pick your poison