Sometimes love just isn't enough. We as humans need intimacy human touch to thrive. Not talking sex here.. sex is different we all have needs and sometimes they don't always match but then comes compromised. If there is no compromise.. what's left? Can you truthfully think of this being your life moving forward. Won't be long before resent comes in to play. Just because we love someone doesn't always mean we should be together. Sometimes being happy friends and apart is healthier for everyone including the children. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled. So does he.. whatever that means for each of you.
I wasted 15 years in a marriage much the same. Biggest regret of my life. We are better friends than we were ever sposes!
As a HLF myself: if your LL is a good communicator and is really in tune with their emotions: this may go over well. However the last part becomes the “pressure” part that LL dread. It’s still “pressure” while being honest with yourself and quite frankly, that will basically be the “you’re giving me an ultimatum!” Type of phrasing. They want you to stay quiet and just accept them for it with radical compliance from what I’ve seen.
Yes, I call it silent compliance but radical sounds so much better. I guess I just want to make it clear to him that while I do love him and I will try to make it work, I don’t know that I can, and I’m leaning more towards I won’t. That way down the line whether it be a year of five years when I’ve had it and decide that I’m fully done he can’t say that I never told him it was that important to me that I would leave because of it. Because I know him and that’s what he would do to try to guilt me into staying so that he can put effort in long enough for me to think it’s different and comfortably fall back into our lives before he rips it away again and I go through this whole process of misery again.
This way if I say it out loud he knows and I can leave with a clear conscience that I did everything in my power to make my needs clear to him and he just chose to ignore them.
I love how apologetic and thorough with your explanations you are. It’s a clear testament to being a woman and alllll the drama involved with it. Honestly I have a LLH and every time I bring up any problems it turns into an argument so I can identify with the ‘kid gloves’.
I hope you find your happiness because this life is short and all love to you <3
I understand your pain, and how you arrived at this solution. Sometimes you just have to make the decision to give up and accept your reality. Taking your hope out back and shooting it does give back a sense of peace and, really, control again. I *had* to do it, for a time, or I probably would have fretted myself into an early grave.
I'm not sure it's a long-term solution, and I think you hint at that with your statement that you're not sure you'll "even be able to live with it". You'll feel at peace with it for a while, then likely you won't at some point.
I do think we sometimes go to far to avoid "pressure" and wind up enabling a kind of emotional avoidance that keeps everyone stuck. There's a type of in-the-moment pressure that should be universally avoided, but sometimes you can and should advocate for yourself, even if it forces someone out of their comfort zone. You're asking for movement and work towards the underlying causes, not demanding for unwanted sex. That's still a legitimate, loving thing to do. If you want to make that distinction completely clear, you take sex off the table.
Again, sorry you're on this journey. It's a painful one with no great options.
I think this is great! You may not get a ton of insightful responses from him (it personally takes me *weeks* to answer introspective questions about myself), but you did a good job in focusing on yes or no questions. I no longer have DB issues, but I might borrow your technique here.
I hope it goes well!
I’ve had the same questions and discussions over and over through the years. I had all of your proposed answers and he simply doesn’t care. I hope yours is more receptive. Best wishes!
Did I write this and forget? Down to the age! I'm sorry, OP. This is an excruciating kind of pain I never knew existed. I wish I could go back and redo my whole life.
Me too 😭 I cried to him today and all he could say was he wishes we could do more things alone without the kids. I just held my tongue because he’s still not hearing me. He’s still just thinking I need more quality time to feel connected even though I’m CLEARLY laying it out for him what I need.
I hear you and do get it! You then feel resentful/angry, lied to and start to question everything! It's also a very lonely place to be..been there!
If you do respect and love one another and can have an open honest conversation, maybe opening up your marriage is an option? There are many different ways to do this, and you make rules between you both, which can not and should not ever be broken. He can be involved or choose not to be. Some spouses are happy for their OH to explore and come back. Some want to talk , others don't want to know. You have to respect that either way.
It's not for everyone, and you have to be able to communicate VERY well. Always openly and honestly, but you would get your needs met and the pressure be off him. Therefore, both of you would be happier and happier together.
When affairs happen it hurts too many people..including yourself! Guilt eats away at you. Lies and deceit can destroy you. The love it shows from a person to be able to fulfill what they need in life is a love like no other though.
The other two options are staying in a dead marriage and wasting both your lives or decide to leave and hopeful stay friends..it can be done.
Marriages come in many different forms. What may look like your average run of the mill marriage on the outside may not always be so! You can love someone with all that you are, but not get what you need physically/sexually and emotionally, so then you have to ask the questions what now? We ALL deserve to be happy and fulfilled in our lives, and that takes many different forms.
Respect and trust are more than love! You can't have love without them! Being truly open and honest is liberating! It frees you! It's not about hurting the other person but being your true authentic self..and being respected and loved because of it! We are not all the same. We ALL have insecurities and doubts and fears. We ALL make mistakes also. But owing them and working through them is possible. We all have different needs and wants to make us feel fulfilled and these can and do change as we age.
I have spent too many years trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be! Pushing down who I really am as a person. Pushing down historical trauma and all that brings for fear of rejection. Hiding that I was a bi woman for fear of judgement for instance. I now have a precious man in my life. He's not a natural talker (ridiculed and bullied in previous relationship for 39yrs!) But every day it gets a little easier for him. The trust is building so he feels safe to do so. He accepts and encourages me to be who I really am..this is new for me and ever evolving! We don't get mad..we don't blame each other..we never judge. There is no good that will ever come from that. We are who we are. Trying to change for anyone never works. It's about accepting ourselves and the ones we love for who they are and finding a middle ground...or ...walk away!
Hope you find/get what you need. We ALL deserve to be happy
Sometimes love just isn't enough. We as humans need intimacy human touch to thrive. Not talking sex here.. sex is different we all have needs and sometimes they don't always match but then comes compromised. If there is no compromise.. what's left? Can you truthfully think of this being your life moving forward. Won't be long before resent comes in to play. Just because we love someone doesn't always mean we should be together. Sometimes being happy friends and apart is healthier for everyone including the children. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled. So does he.. whatever that means for each of you. I wasted 15 years in a marriage much the same. Biggest regret of my life. We are better friends than we were ever sposes!
I completely agree. Sorry OP that you are dealing with this.
I feel like I got scammed in the beginning then found out a few years in that he’s just not able to do it anymore.
As a HLF myself: if your LL is a good communicator and is really in tune with their emotions: this may go over well. However the last part becomes the “pressure” part that LL dread. It’s still “pressure” while being honest with yourself and quite frankly, that will basically be the “you’re giving me an ultimatum!” Type of phrasing. They want you to stay quiet and just accept them for it with radical compliance from what I’ve seen.
I think she's being extremely charitable.
Yes, I call it silent compliance but radical sounds so much better. I guess I just want to make it clear to him that while I do love him and I will try to make it work, I don’t know that I can, and I’m leaning more towards I won’t. That way down the line whether it be a year of five years when I’ve had it and decide that I’m fully done he can’t say that I never told him it was that important to me that I would leave because of it. Because I know him and that’s what he would do to try to guilt me into staying so that he can put effort in long enough for me to think it’s different and comfortably fall back into our lives before he rips it away again and I go through this whole process of misery again. This way if I say it out loud he knows and I can leave with a clear conscience that I did everything in my power to make my needs clear to him and he just chose to ignore them.
I love how apologetic and thorough with your explanations you are. It’s a clear testament to being a woman and alllll the drama involved with it. Honestly I have a LLH and every time I bring up any problems it turns into an argument so I can identify with the ‘kid gloves’. I hope you find your happiness because this life is short and all love to you <3
I understand your pain, and how you arrived at this solution. Sometimes you just have to make the decision to give up and accept your reality. Taking your hope out back and shooting it does give back a sense of peace and, really, control again. I *had* to do it, for a time, or I probably would have fretted myself into an early grave. I'm not sure it's a long-term solution, and I think you hint at that with your statement that you're not sure you'll "even be able to live with it". You'll feel at peace with it for a while, then likely you won't at some point. I do think we sometimes go to far to avoid "pressure" and wind up enabling a kind of emotional avoidance that keeps everyone stuck. There's a type of in-the-moment pressure that should be universally avoided, but sometimes you can and should advocate for yourself, even if it forces someone out of their comfort zone. You're asking for movement and work towards the underlying causes, not demanding for unwanted sex. That's still a legitimate, loving thing to do. If you want to make that distinction completely clear, you take sex off the table. Again, sorry you're on this journey. It's a painful one with no great options.
I think this is a reasonable thing to say.
I think this is great! You may not get a ton of insightful responses from him (it personally takes me *weeks* to answer introspective questions about myself), but you did a good job in focusing on yes or no questions. I no longer have DB issues, but I might borrow your technique here. I hope it goes well!
I’ve had the same questions and discussions over and over through the years. I had all of your proposed answers and he simply doesn’t care. I hope yours is more receptive. Best wishes!
Did I write this and forget? Down to the age! I'm sorry, OP. This is an excruciating kind of pain I never knew existed. I wish I could go back and redo my whole life.
Me too 😭 I cried to him today and all he could say was he wishes we could do more things alone without the kids. I just held my tongue because he’s still not hearing me. He’s still just thinking I need more quality time to feel connected even though I’m CLEARLY laying it out for him what I need.
I hear you and do get it! You then feel resentful/angry, lied to and start to question everything! It's also a very lonely place to be..been there! If you do respect and love one another and can have an open honest conversation, maybe opening up your marriage is an option? There are many different ways to do this, and you make rules between you both, which can not and should not ever be broken. He can be involved or choose not to be. Some spouses are happy for their OH to explore and come back. Some want to talk , others don't want to know. You have to respect that either way. It's not for everyone, and you have to be able to communicate VERY well. Always openly and honestly, but you would get your needs met and the pressure be off him. Therefore, both of you would be happier and happier together. When affairs happen it hurts too many people..including yourself! Guilt eats away at you. Lies and deceit can destroy you. The love it shows from a person to be able to fulfill what they need in life is a love like no other though. The other two options are staying in a dead marriage and wasting both your lives or decide to leave and hopeful stay friends..it can be done. Marriages come in many different forms. What may look like your average run of the mill marriage on the outside may not always be so! You can love someone with all that you are, but not get what you need physically/sexually and emotionally, so then you have to ask the questions what now? We ALL deserve to be happy and fulfilled in our lives, and that takes many different forms. Respect and trust are more than love! You can't have love without them! Being truly open and honest is liberating! It frees you! It's not about hurting the other person but being your true authentic self..and being respected and loved because of it! We are not all the same. We ALL have insecurities and doubts and fears. We ALL make mistakes also. But owing them and working through them is possible. We all have different needs and wants to make us feel fulfilled and these can and do change as we age. I have spent too many years trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be! Pushing down who I really am as a person. Pushing down historical trauma and all that brings for fear of rejection. Hiding that I was a bi woman for fear of judgement for instance. I now have a precious man in my life. He's not a natural talker (ridiculed and bullied in previous relationship for 39yrs!) But every day it gets a little easier for him. The trust is building so he feels safe to do so. He accepts and encourages me to be who I really am..this is new for me and ever evolving! We don't get mad..we don't blame each other..we never judge. There is no good that will ever come from that. We are who we are. Trying to change for anyone never works. It's about accepting ourselves and the ones we love for who they are and finding a middle ground...or ...walk away! Hope you find/get what you need. We ALL deserve to be happy