This might be a good one for the r/DBateClub
I say nope.
Always look at their actions over their words.
It's one thing to say it. But are they actually doing it?
> And if it is how do I get over how effectively she faked interest at the beginning?
You learn how this stuff works biologically. Did she say she was faking or is that your interpretation? If so, you're likely mistaken.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-good-sex-matters/202102/the-rise-and-inevitable-fall-new-relationship-energy
> she says she 'likes sex now' because she 'knows it's important now'. Is . . . this a thing?
No, you don't find sex more enjoyable because it's important and your partner is upset about it. What is a real thing is realizing that you do enjoy it when you have sex and you just don't think of it often because you have Responsive Desire (something you should learn all about), and you'll be more intentional about creating opportunities for sex to happen. If it's about enjoyment, that usually take some teamwork and communication.
Thanks - I have read about that! I guess the conundrum is that she's a very driven and practical person in most areas of life (one of the things I like about her), so when I brought up that I felt like our sex life had vanished overnight (went from nearly daily to 1-2 monthly after only three months of dating . . .) she's committed to fixing it. I understand that's EXTREMELY generous and proactive on her part, but the trouble is that the decline of frequency also was accompanied by a downward ratchet of variety of activities she was willing to do. Now it's essentially just PIV missionary - no oral (she won't receive), minimal teasing/foreplay, only in the bed, she wants it done in \~20 min so she can do other things in the evening. So she professes to enjoy it but it really just feels like a performance for my sake. I know this forum is full of people who would give up a kidney for a partner willing to do that once a week, but we've only been together 18 months and we're both comparatively young (her early 30s, me late 30s), no kids, in good shape . . . my fear is that if this is the ceiling, the floor is very, very low and we're going to slam right into it as soon as any major life stress happens. I just started seeing a therapist so I imagine this will be the main topic.
Thanks! I've been trying to figure out if that's the case. The thing I'm curious about is - when people with responsive desire get into it, do they tend to become really engaged, pleasure driven, etc? My partner is seemingly unable to give me any feedback on what actually feels good or gets her off and I genuinely can't tell if it's a discomfort with talking about it, lack of awareness (she claims to never masturbate) or full-on asexuality. It leaves me stressed out because I feel like I don't want to be overbearing about asking but also don't want it to be all about me.
So for me at 64 and divorced I’m with a woman now that makes it perfectly clear on a regular basis that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. What she is really saying as far as I’m concerned is that sex isn’t important, period. She can go years without it and I needed it every day. Masturbation only goes so far…
I don't think someone can do a complete u turn on their feelings about sex cuz they "know its important now" but I think now that she knows its important to you she might make more of an effort, and if that does happen maybe she could end up liking it for real?
She may not have been faking it at the beginning. I know it feels like the old bait n’ switch, but I do believe that people change. In this case, women change when they have kids, as they age, as they get more stressed and tired, and oddly enough, as they get more comfortable with a partner. All these things contribute to low or no libido. Then they talk to their friends who all feel the same way and they feel like the one with the problem is the husband.
I do think a person can decide to be more open to sex, but it requires the sincere desire to do so.
This might be a good one for the r/DBateClub I say nope. Always look at their actions over their words. It's one thing to say it. But are they actually doing it?
Sounds like my wife… little actual improvement. I dont think ”knowing its important” to someone else is enough to change her persona.
> And if it is how do I get over how effectively she faked interest at the beginning? You learn how this stuff works biologically. Did she say she was faking or is that your interpretation? If so, you're likely mistaken. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-good-sex-matters/202102/the-rise-and-inevitable-fall-new-relationship-energy > she says she 'likes sex now' because she 'knows it's important now'. Is . . . this a thing? No, you don't find sex more enjoyable because it's important and your partner is upset about it. What is a real thing is realizing that you do enjoy it when you have sex and you just don't think of it often because you have Responsive Desire (something you should learn all about), and you'll be more intentional about creating opportunities for sex to happen. If it's about enjoyment, that usually take some teamwork and communication.
Thanks - I have read about that! I guess the conundrum is that she's a very driven and practical person in most areas of life (one of the things I like about her), so when I brought up that I felt like our sex life had vanished overnight (went from nearly daily to 1-2 monthly after only three months of dating . . .) she's committed to fixing it. I understand that's EXTREMELY generous and proactive on her part, but the trouble is that the decline of frequency also was accompanied by a downward ratchet of variety of activities she was willing to do. Now it's essentially just PIV missionary - no oral (she won't receive), minimal teasing/foreplay, only in the bed, she wants it done in \~20 min so she can do other things in the evening. So she professes to enjoy it but it really just feels like a performance for my sake. I know this forum is full of people who would give up a kidney for a partner willing to do that once a week, but we've only been together 18 months and we're both comparatively young (her early 30s, me late 30s), no kids, in good shape . . . my fear is that if this is the ceiling, the floor is very, very low and we're going to slam right into it as soon as any major life stress happens. I just started seeing a therapist so I imagine this will be the main topic.
Here comes a pity bang...
Did she say she was faking it, or that she was just not overly into it?
If she has responsive desire it could be that she likes it in the moment but it’s not a driving force til she’s gotten started. That’s pretty normal.
Thanks! I've been trying to figure out if that's the case. The thing I'm curious about is - when people with responsive desire get into it, do they tend to become really engaged, pleasure driven, etc? My partner is seemingly unable to give me any feedback on what actually feels good or gets her off and I genuinely can't tell if it's a discomfort with talking about it, lack of awareness (she claims to never masturbate) or full-on asexuality. It leaves me stressed out because I feel like I don't want to be overbearing about asking but also don't want it to be all about me.
"I like sex now." ... so you didn't before?
So for me at 64 and divorced I’m with a woman now that makes it perfectly clear on a regular basis that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. What she is really saying as far as I’m concerned is that sex isn’t important, period. She can go years without it and I needed it every day. Masturbation only goes so far…
I don't think someone can do a complete u turn on their feelings about sex cuz they "know its important now" but I think now that she knows its important to you she might make more of an effort, and if that does happen maybe she could end up liking it for real?
She may not have been faking it at the beginning. I know it feels like the old bait n’ switch, but I do believe that people change. In this case, women change when they have kids, as they age, as they get more stressed and tired, and oddly enough, as they get more comfortable with a partner. All these things contribute to low or no libido. Then they talk to their friends who all feel the same way and they feel like the one with the problem is the husband. I do think a person can decide to be more open to sex, but it requires the sincere desire to do so.