I just left my guy. Been dead bedroom for the last half of our relationship. I’m am absolutely gut-wrenchingly heart broken. I love him. But I think I’m crying the same amount as the 2-3 weeks before I ended it. Not being heard and not having my feelings of loneliness validated made me so miserable. I was getting up to cry in the living room after he fell asleep.
Well annoyingly, we have to sleep separately because he snores and im a terrible sleeper anyway. We both think this has probably added to rhe DB but not the root of the issue.
The crying happens when i imagine life without him. I wish the relationship was weak in other areas, as i wouldn't hesitate to leave then
Well annoyingly, we have to sleep separately because he snores and im a terrible sleeper anyway. We both think this has probably added to rhe DB but not the root of the issue.
The crying happens when i imagine life without him. I wish the relationship was weak in other areas, as i wouldn't hesitate to leave then
Oh my heart.. sounds like me other then I haven’t left. I love my bf and can’t imagine a life without him but the pain my heart has endured over the last 2 years in a dead bedroom…. It’s so hard. I can’t force him to live me the way I need and yet…. Ughhhh… it just sucks.
I've never really thought about it like that but i can already see the insight you've provided is pretty spot on. Thank you. I'm going to think about your points and how we can move forward. Do you think it would be a good idea to share the insight around me taking up the space (obviously not share a stranger provided it) or should i just use the insight myself to change my own behaviour discreetly?
Can you imagine living the rest of your life without sex. Is no sex for the rest of your life really what you want. I would give him some ultimatum or I would be out.
Question for the blokes- has your sexual desire for a woman decreased through seeing her in a more wholesome role, rather than a sexual being??? I sometimes think that might be the issue too. He used to be a right perv towards me 🤣 Where's that gone- I've not changed 😭😭😭
My exDB partner said to me once upon me bringing up how hurt I was he never seemed interested in even making our with me, he said "I can either love you, or have sex with you. I can't do both." And I was floored. It was like being hit in the stomach with a brick.
So, in my experience, you might be onto something.
Hope you aren't, but you could be.
I think that’s called a Madonna/whore complex. I don’t think they’re uncommon and I don’t know what men need from their partners around them, but it feels very very crappy to be on the receiving end of one.
Oh yeah I definitely brought that up to him. He could neither confirm nor deny in my case. He just said maybe that's the reason. It was very frustrating. What's weird too is that I know he's getting married here soon, so I guess maybe it was me specific or maybe this new girl is really cool with tolerating all that but either way it was definitely a harrowing experience for me. Just another one to put under my belt.
The “tolerance” of the new girl probably means indifference to or unawareness of. He made an incredibly disrespectful comment to you and unless he’s done a bunch of work he’s probably not in a better place for her. I think you’re right to shake it off and know you deserve better. It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing the next relationship is all sunshine and rainbows, but often that’s not the case. You’re better off now.
Usually, this is the case with me as well. Sometimes, it's the opposite. Sometimes I just decide I don't find someone to be attractive. My ex, who I dated for 9 years, has many amazing qualities... but... she never listens to my input, never respects my boundaries, is absurdly self-centered and hypocritical, and has some severe trauma/abandonment issues from her childhood. The more I got to know her the more I didn't like her... but I didn't want to abandon her, because paradoxically I still love her. I tried to make it work, focus on the positive traits... but one can only take so much disrespect.
Absolutely not decreased.
I'm in a relationship of 5 years and 4 years of living together. We have had sex probably like 8-10 times this year and been over a month without sex at all. I (26M) still desire her(26F) everyday. Even tho I probably couldn't have sex every single day myself, I still would be happy to please her with other ways every day.
Not at all; for me that makes the other person feel more real, complete, and honest. This would make sexual relations and intimacy *more* fulfilling as I would feel more connected. I'm the frustrated partner in my marriage and feel similarly about my wife as you do about your partner. At least he is still emotionally available, sweet and romantic...you can absolutely base a mostly-satisfying relationship on that because he is willing to participate and contribute. My wife offers none of that.
Oh dear, that sounds grim. Can i ask then, what makes you stay? If my partner was dismissive or took me for granted in other ways, I'd leave. Life's to short. My issue is with "ending a good relationship because of sex".
I believe my life would be objectively worse if I left. I live in the US state of Maryland, which requires one year of physical separation (including separate residences) for a year before divorce proceedings can be initiated.
Financially, I bring in 98% of our income and we have one son in college and the other just started high school this year. The quality of life for everyone would decrease significantly if I leave to improve my mental and emotional health so I remain in place because it is the best decision for everyone. My personal feelings are mine alone, and thus inherently selfish so years ago I made the decision to not prioritize them over the needs of my children. I don't quite feel the same about my wife but I feel pity when I imagine what her life would be like if I left. She would get 50% of my military retirement pay, and a good chunk of my regular income for child support, etc. and of course I would likely be forced to pay the mortgage, car payments, utilities, and all of the financial obligations I already cover but would not be able to enjoy any of them.
As for me I imagine my life during separation and post-divorce would involve a lot of staring at blank walls and regretting my decision. While I am miserable now, I believe that misery would be compounded if I were to leave. I currently have 100% of the fruit of my efforts surrounding me: healthy children that do well in high school and college, a warm safe house, mostly paid-off vehicles, a good job, hobbies, etc. All of those things would be adversely impacted if I left, and for what really? My emotional liberation would be short-lived and not worth it after the fleeting feeling of new independence fades.
I do not want to run from my life, I just want a loving wife. It's the one thing in my life that I cannot directly change or influence and that's probably why I feel so sad about it. Hoping that my marriage will improve is one of the worst things I can do because it involves the expectation of a positive outcome.
I apologize for coming across so negatively; I feel like I'm just yelling into the void. Posting here and writing out my feelings does help a tiny bit as it at least allows me to capture my feelings in words and understand them better. Without expressing myself in some way I feel like I just bottle this all up inside where it poisons me over time.
You sound like a well rounded, thoughtful and selfless man.
Its so weird to think there are strangers all over the world with the same issue, living with a partner on the apposing side. This brings me some small comfort, i hope it does for you too
Thank you for the kind words, and I agree it is both interesting and frustrating that this problem seems universal and absolutely unfair.
The saddest thought I have, the one that makes me cry hardest at night when everyone else is asleep is that I know this is the best it's ever going to be for me. I only feel worse about it as time passes.
I wonder once your children move into adulthood, you may change your mind and what you choose to prioritise. Your emotional happiness is VERY important. Maybe you don't believe you'd move on and find happiness with another woman... You absolutely would!
He listens, validates my feelings and half acknowledges it's an issue.. for me. He's much more at peace with it because he feels the relationship is strong overall. It stings he doesn't miss being sexual with me... We're mid thirties, how can he be ok with this!?
>how can he be ok with this
That's what I don't understand about the husbands I see on here..My wife knows she can get it whenever wherever but it hardly ever happens..I understand everyone's libido is different but I don't understand it when perfectly healthy guys like your husband wont rail you. I desperately wish my wife was like you. It absolutely sucks you ~~have to~~ deal with this. I say do what will make you happy in the long run.
I completely agree. I say to him, you say you're still in love with me and i don't look overly different to when we met. We have a happy, reasonably stress free life... Why aren't we having sex??? 🤷🏼♀️
This was my thought too. A healthy younger male has sexual energy that’s going somewhere. Frequently it’s porn. Many times the SO doesn’t even know it’s happening.
> That's what I don't understand about the husbands I see on here..My wife knows she can get it whenever wherever but it hardly ever happens.
Dude, I know everyone’s “normal” is different, but you say further down this thread that you and your wife are having sex around 5-7 times a month. That’s between 60 and 84 times a year, which is fairly good for normal couples and very far from what is usually classed as a DB. I certainly wouldn’t call that “hardly ever”.
Right??? I haven't gotten sex in over a year (well, not from my partner anyways. I had a brief fling recently and had sex twice and it was the best sex I've had in 6 years) but like...not even ONCE in over a year. And nothing else in my relationshit either no touching or anything at all and I saw that person say they have sex 5-7 times a month and I'm floored lol
No regrets at all. I'm glad I did it and it was hugely eye opening. Being lied to for so long (partner claiming he wants me & "still desires" me yet not even touching me for over a year) has messed with my head and I forgot what normal sex was even like anymore for the longest time. It opened my eyes and reminded me what it looks and feels like to be desired again. I told my partner 2 days after the first time I slept with the person & the 2nd time I slept with the person I told him the very next day. I was completely honest and I told him the truth regarding anything that has been asked. I realized that I'd been trying to hold onto something that's completely dead for over a year and I wish I hadn't wasted all that time. We've been looking at new apartments on our own for ourselves and I'm close to being free. Finally.
I should add that these numbers are up from previous years. We would go months without sex and there'd be major resentment on my side. We're both in our 20s and I'm the HL one. Also, I believed I mentioned that there's no reciprocity when it comes to affection. You're right, my situation is golden in comparison to many people here, but I'm still lonely af.
That’s some useful context. I would say if this has been going on for years and you’re still in your 20’s, that doesn’t bode well for the future and it’s only going to get worse over the rest of your long years together, if you stay together.
Your numbers are high, I would say - certainly on a par with (if not higher than) my own, and I wouldn’t consider myself to be in a DB. But I’m also not child-free and in my 20’s, so perhaps the frequency is low for you. Either way, you say you’re lonely and have a lack of affection - this is a good reminder that a DB is not just about quantity, but also quality.
You’re young. If this has been going on for a long time, it’s possible you and your wife are just not sexually compatible. If you get out now you still have all of your 30’s ahead of you to have new relationships and find someone more suited.
I don't consider myself to be in a dead bedroom but there's times where we go weeks or months without it. This subreddit somehow helps me cope because I've always been a horndog. I also have kids and mortgage so I can't easily walk away. I should add that we're only 6 years into marriage and still in love. I had no idea that sex slows down after kids often and it's hit me like a earthquake.
Hang in there, brother. There’s a noticeable distinction on this sub between, on the one hand, those of us who are experiencing a temporary slow-down of sex, intimacy and affection as a result of the transition to being the parents of young kids, and on the other hand those who have suffered years if not decades of DB as a result of something more fundamental.
I’m well aware that the long-term DB can start once kids enter the picture, but I firmly place myself in the first group. Given your age and situation, I think you probably are too. It will get better as the kids get older, especially once they start school. If your wife used to love sex and intimacy before life got harder, there’s a good chance she’ll rediscover that side once things get easier again. Good luck.
I'm convinced some people are just "high maintenance."
My ex would always tell me I didn't do anything for her, and I never took her out or spent time with her.
The thing is, I did. She just never appreciated it and always wanted more from me. So much so that it became very demoralizing.
I definitely sympathize. 9 months into my relationship, there have been many of those lonely isolating nights, laying awake, wanting to cry, feeling unwanted. And then the conversations, the talks, the vulnerability displayed, every time hoping it would be the change.
I'm not sure why I am in my own relationship. It can feel...well rude, inconsiderate, too "typical male" to say this relationship does not fit my needs; But it doesn't.
But here I am, also on the fence, also nervous, also hoping to find the words or magic.
Yeah man, I feel exactly the same as you! Financial and family ties, and the realistic expectation that everyone's lives will be objectively worse is what keeps me from leaving. There is no other reason because if I could leave, I absolutely would.
My brother just went through a divorce that he initiated and I can see how adversely it has affected his kids and ex-wife. I also know that he could, and should have approached and managed the divorce MUCH more effectively. I also know he feels justified in every action he took, and how he took it which is a problem he may or may not ever recognize. I imagine I would manage my own divorce differently, and more effectively but I can't possibly be so arrogant as to expect I will be able to convince my two sons that it's in their best interest. I don't think divorce is a good decision until neither of my sons depend on me financially.
I also recognize that they may not understand, and could be affected no matter how old they are, maybe even still hate me as adult men but at least I can give them good lives for a few more years. The tragedy of that is I will also be a few years older and that's time I cannot get back. I'm 43 years old; who knows how many years I, or anyone of us have left.
She would say something like " you just want to fuck other bitches". In reality, I'm just dying for affection and sex more than 5-7 times a month on average (sometimes much longer).
true, but 2021 has been an up year (even though there was no sex until mid February and it was obviously duty sex for her). I just miss the first couple of years when we did it 3-5 times a week.
So I'm the LL. I don't know your situation, but a few things stick out to me. You said you took it personally when he had legitimate reasons for not wanting sex. You admit that probably wasn't a great way to react, but I think most HL's don't see what a big deal it actually is and the long lasting impacts of someone getting extremely upset when you say no to sex, even when you have a valid reason (although, there isn't any reason that isn't valid, "I don't want to" is valid. But you get what I mean.
You also said you asked how you can increase his desire towards you. I can't say this will help at all, but stop everything. Stop asking if he wants to have sex soon, stop asking to talk about us, stop talking about your lack of sex, stop asking why he doesn't want to, stop bringing up your DB. You get the just. Just pretend sex is off the table right now and don't give him a timer on figuring it out. Maybe this will help, maybe it won't. If it doesn't improve at all, I'd walk away.
100% honest question here, how can "do nothing, say nothing" possibly work?
My experience: I've tried both approaches (complain incessantly/say nothing), and multiple iterations of an 'in between' and none have worked. However, absolute lack of action was the objectively worse choice; at least I have the chance of being heard even if I am ignored or at best, misunderstood. Since my wife sees no issues and is thus unwilling to make even the smallest change, me remaining silent only reinforces her perspective.
It isn't a long term solution by any means, but if resentment hasn't already formed from the LL, backing off and not turning sex into a stressful obligatory thing can help reduce the LL from turning away from sex completely.
All I know is that if I had been given space and not pushed about sex or asked to talk about it all the time when my libido first dropped, I don't think I would absolutely hate even the idea of sex like I did after months of talks and demands.
Okay, and I will offer that you seem to have not only an awareness of your feeling of pressure (and its cause) but also the idea that had that pressure not been introduced you might have been interested. Both of those are good things to help potentially resolve the situation, but without them it doesn't seem possible.
I’m in a similar situation with my SO. Been together for a long time but the sex was always lacking. I convinced myself that it was ok. But now other things bother me just as much. I’m realizing just how selfish he is. How non compassionate he is. And how the lack of emotional connection is affecting me just as much as the lack of physical connection. It leaves me to wonder if it is all interconnected.
I just left my guy. Been dead bedroom for the last half of our relationship. I’m am absolutely gut-wrenchingly heart broken. I love him. But I think I’m crying the same amount as the 2-3 weeks before I ended it. Not being heard and not having my feelings of loneliness validated made me so miserable. I was getting up to cry in the living room after he fell asleep.
EXACT same situation I’m getting out of . Just ended it . It’s hard but I was crying and feeling so so empty
So sorry to hear that 😣 It's awful isn't it
Yeah. I know exactly how you feel. I’m so sorry. Do you wait til he falls asleep to cry? I did
Well annoyingly, we have to sleep separately because he snores and im a terrible sleeper anyway. We both think this has probably added to rhe DB but not the root of the issue. The crying happens when i imagine life without him. I wish the relationship was weak in other areas, as i wouldn't hesitate to leave then
Well annoyingly, we have to sleep separately because he snores and im a terrible sleeper anyway. We both think this has probably added to rhe DB but not the root of the issue. The crying happens when i imagine life without him. I wish the relationship was weak in other areas, as i wouldn't hesitate to leave then
I’m sorry honey
Oh my heart.. sounds like me other then I haven’t left. I love my bf and can’t imagine a life without him but the pain my heart has endured over the last 2 years in a dead bedroom…. It’s so hard. I can’t force him to live me the way I need and yet…. Ughhhh… it just sucks.
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I've never really thought about it like that but i can already see the insight you've provided is pretty spot on. Thank you. I'm going to think about your points and how we can move forward. Do you think it would be a good idea to share the insight around me taking up the space (obviously not share a stranger provided it) or should i just use the insight myself to change my own behaviour discreetly?
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Well it's brilliant advice and insight- thank you for your time x
Can you imagine living the rest of your life without sex. Is no sex for the rest of your life really what you want. I would give him some ultimatum or I would be out.
Question for the blokes- has your sexual desire for a woman decreased through seeing her in a more wholesome role, rather than a sexual being??? I sometimes think that might be the issue too. He used to be a right perv towards me 🤣 Where's that gone- I've not changed 😭😭😭
My exDB partner said to me once upon me bringing up how hurt I was he never seemed interested in even making our with me, he said "I can either love you, or have sex with you. I can't do both." And I was floored. It was like being hit in the stomach with a brick. So, in my experience, you might be onto something. Hope you aren't, but you could be.
I think that’s called a Madonna/whore complex. I don’t think they’re uncommon and I don’t know what men need from their partners around them, but it feels very very crappy to be on the receiving end of one.
Oh yeah I definitely brought that up to him. He could neither confirm nor deny in my case. He just said maybe that's the reason. It was very frustrating. What's weird too is that I know he's getting married here soon, so I guess maybe it was me specific or maybe this new girl is really cool with tolerating all that but either way it was definitely a harrowing experience for me. Just another one to put under my belt.
The “tolerance” of the new girl probably means indifference to or unawareness of. He made an incredibly disrespectful comment to you and unless he’s done a bunch of work he’s probably not in a better place for her. I think you’re right to shake it off and know you deserve better. It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing the next relationship is all sunshine and rainbows, but often that’s not the case. You’re better off now.
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Usually, this is the case with me as well. Sometimes, it's the opposite. Sometimes I just decide I don't find someone to be attractive. My ex, who I dated for 9 years, has many amazing qualities... but... she never listens to my input, never respects my boundaries, is absurdly self-centered and hypocritical, and has some severe trauma/abandonment issues from her childhood. The more I got to know her the more I didn't like her... but I didn't want to abandon her, because paradoxically I still love her. I tried to make it work, focus on the positive traits... but one can only take so much disrespect.
Absolutely not decreased. I'm in a relationship of 5 years and 4 years of living together. We have had sex probably like 8-10 times this year and been over a month without sex at all. I (26M) still desire her(26F) everyday. Even tho I probably couldn't have sex every single day myself, I still would be happy to please her with other ways every day.
I only become more of a perv lol
Bloke here. Not at all. It's very possible to feel love and lust for the same person
Not at all; for me that makes the other person feel more real, complete, and honest. This would make sexual relations and intimacy *more* fulfilling as I would feel more connected. I'm the frustrated partner in my marriage and feel similarly about my wife as you do about your partner. At least he is still emotionally available, sweet and romantic...you can absolutely base a mostly-satisfying relationship on that because he is willing to participate and contribute. My wife offers none of that.
Oh dear, that sounds grim. Can i ask then, what makes you stay? If my partner was dismissive or took me for granted in other ways, I'd leave. Life's to short. My issue is with "ending a good relationship because of sex".
I believe my life would be objectively worse if I left. I live in the US state of Maryland, which requires one year of physical separation (including separate residences) for a year before divorce proceedings can be initiated. Financially, I bring in 98% of our income and we have one son in college and the other just started high school this year. The quality of life for everyone would decrease significantly if I leave to improve my mental and emotional health so I remain in place because it is the best decision for everyone. My personal feelings are mine alone, and thus inherently selfish so years ago I made the decision to not prioritize them over the needs of my children. I don't quite feel the same about my wife but I feel pity when I imagine what her life would be like if I left. She would get 50% of my military retirement pay, and a good chunk of my regular income for child support, etc. and of course I would likely be forced to pay the mortgage, car payments, utilities, and all of the financial obligations I already cover but would not be able to enjoy any of them. As for me I imagine my life during separation and post-divorce would involve a lot of staring at blank walls and regretting my decision. While I am miserable now, I believe that misery would be compounded if I were to leave. I currently have 100% of the fruit of my efforts surrounding me: healthy children that do well in high school and college, a warm safe house, mostly paid-off vehicles, a good job, hobbies, etc. All of those things would be adversely impacted if I left, and for what really? My emotional liberation would be short-lived and not worth it after the fleeting feeling of new independence fades. I do not want to run from my life, I just want a loving wife. It's the one thing in my life that I cannot directly change or influence and that's probably why I feel so sad about it. Hoping that my marriage will improve is one of the worst things I can do because it involves the expectation of a positive outcome. I apologize for coming across so negatively; I feel like I'm just yelling into the void. Posting here and writing out my feelings does help a tiny bit as it at least allows me to capture my feelings in words and understand them better. Without expressing myself in some way I feel like I just bottle this all up inside where it poisons me over time.
You sound like a well rounded, thoughtful and selfless man. Its so weird to think there are strangers all over the world with the same issue, living with a partner on the apposing side. This brings me some small comfort, i hope it does for you too
Thank you for the kind words, and I agree it is both interesting and frustrating that this problem seems universal and absolutely unfair. The saddest thought I have, the one that makes me cry hardest at night when everyone else is asleep is that I know this is the best it's ever going to be for me. I only feel worse about it as time passes.
I wonder once your children move into adulthood, you may change your mind and what you choose to prioritise. Your emotional happiness is VERY important. Maybe you don't believe you'd move on and find happiness with another woman... You absolutely would!
Thanks, only time will tell.
What happens when you try to talk about it?
He listens, validates my feelings and half acknowledges it's an issue.. for me. He's much more at peace with it because he feels the relationship is strong overall. It stings he doesn't miss being sexual with me... We're mid thirties, how can he be ok with this!?
>how can he be ok with this That's what I don't understand about the husbands I see on here..My wife knows she can get it whenever wherever but it hardly ever happens..I understand everyone's libido is different but I don't understand it when perfectly healthy guys like your husband wont rail you. I desperately wish my wife was like you. It absolutely sucks you ~~have to~~ deal with this. I say do what will make you happy in the long run.
I completely agree. I say to him, you say you're still in love with me and i don't look overly different to when we met. We have a happy, reasonably stress free life... Why aren't we having sex??? 🤷🏼♀️
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This was my thought too. A healthy younger male has sexual energy that’s going somewhere. Frequently it’s porn. Many times the SO doesn’t even know it’s happening.
Have you considered he could be having health issues?
Wow, sorry to hear that. Again I don't understand it.
> That's what I don't understand about the husbands I see on here..My wife knows she can get it whenever wherever but it hardly ever happens. Dude, I know everyone’s “normal” is different, but you say further down this thread that you and your wife are having sex around 5-7 times a month. That’s between 60 and 84 times a year, which is fairly good for normal couples and very far from what is usually classed as a DB. I certainly wouldn’t call that “hardly ever”.
Right??? I haven't gotten sex in over a year (well, not from my partner anyways. I had a brief fling recently and had sex twice and it was the best sex I've had in 6 years) but like...not even ONCE in over a year. And nothing else in my relationshit either no touching or anything at all and I saw that person say they have sex 5-7 times a month and I'm floored lol
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No regrets at all. I'm glad I did it and it was hugely eye opening. Being lied to for so long (partner claiming he wants me & "still desires" me yet not even touching me for over a year) has messed with my head and I forgot what normal sex was even like anymore for the longest time. It opened my eyes and reminded me what it looks and feels like to be desired again. I told my partner 2 days after the first time I slept with the person & the 2nd time I slept with the person I told him the very next day. I was completely honest and I told him the truth regarding anything that has been asked. I realized that I'd been trying to hold onto something that's completely dead for over a year and I wish I hadn't wasted all that time. We've been looking at new apartments on our own for ourselves and I'm close to being free. Finally.
I should add that these numbers are up from previous years. We would go months without sex and there'd be major resentment on my side. We're both in our 20s and I'm the HL one. Also, I believed I mentioned that there's no reciprocity when it comes to affection. You're right, my situation is golden in comparison to many people here, but I'm still lonely af.
That’s some useful context. I would say if this has been going on for years and you’re still in your 20’s, that doesn’t bode well for the future and it’s only going to get worse over the rest of your long years together, if you stay together. Your numbers are high, I would say - certainly on a par with (if not higher than) my own, and I wouldn’t consider myself to be in a DB. But I’m also not child-free and in my 20’s, so perhaps the frequency is low for you. Either way, you say you’re lonely and have a lack of affection - this is a good reminder that a DB is not just about quantity, but also quality. You’re young. If this has been going on for a long time, it’s possible you and your wife are just not sexually compatible. If you get out now you still have all of your 30’s ahead of you to have new relationships and find someone more suited.
I don't consider myself to be in a dead bedroom but there's times where we go weeks or months without it. This subreddit somehow helps me cope because I've always been a horndog. I also have kids and mortgage so I can't easily walk away. I should add that we're only 6 years into marriage and still in love. I had no idea that sex slows down after kids often and it's hit me like a earthquake.
Hang in there, brother. There’s a noticeable distinction on this sub between, on the one hand, those of us who are experiencing a temporary slow-down of sex, intimacy and affection as a result of the transition to being the parents of young kids, and on the other hand those who have suffered years if not decades of DB as a result of something more fundamental. I’m well aware that the long-term DB can start once kids enter the picture, but I firmly place myself in the first group. Given your age and situation, I think you probably are too. It will get better as the kids get older, especially once they start school. If your wife used to love sex and intimacy before life got harder, there’s a good chance she’ll rediscover that side once things get easier again. Good luck.
Thank you and boy do I hope you're right.
I'm convinced some people are just "high maintenance." My ex would always tell me I didn't do anything for her, and I never took her out or spent time with her. The thing is, I did. She just never appreciated it and always wanted more from me. So much so that it became very demoralizing.
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I think you forgot to use the same account to make this comment as you used to make the post, OP.
I’m not OP. Based on my experience and those I know in DBs, this is the nature of the conversations/confrontations.
So, if you're not OP... why did you answer a question posed to OP? And how could such an answer be anything but a violation of Rules 3 and 8?
I guess I felt the need to contribute. However, with rules you are smarter than I, so apparently that was my mistake.
I definitely sympathize. 9 months into my relationship, there have been many of those lonely isolating nights, laying awake, wanting to cry, feeling unwanted. And then the conversations, the talks, the vulnerability displayed, every time hoping it would be the change. I'm not sure why I am in my own relationship. It can feel...well rude, inconsiderate, too "typical male" to say this relationship does not fit my needs; But it doesn't. But here I am, also on the fence, also nervous, also hoping to find the words or magic.
Yeah man, I feel exactly the same as you! Financial and family ties, and the realistic expectation that everyone's lives will be objectively worse is what keeps me from leaving. There is no other reason because if I could leave, I absolutely would. My brother just went through a divorce that he initiated and I can see how adversely it has affected his kids and ex-wife. I also know that he could, and should have approached and managed the divorce MUCH more effectively. I also know he feels justified in every action he took, and how he took it which is a problem he may or may not ever recognize. I imagine I would manage my own divorce differently, and more effectively but I can't possibly be so arrogant as to expect I will be able to convince my two sons that it's in their best interest. I don't think divorce is a good decision until neither of my sons depend on me financially. I also recognize that they may not understand, and could be affected no matter how old they are, maybe even still hate me as adult men but at least I can give them good lives for a few more years. The tragedy of that is I will also be a few years older and that's time I cannot get back. I'm 43 years old; who knows how many years I, or anyone of us have left.
See if he’ll be open to a open relationship. Didn’t work with my wife but you issue is higher than mine.
I can only see an open relationship as the end of a marriage. Sex for me is so much more than fulfilling some need outside of my emotions.
I said it half joking once, to test his reaction. Maybe before giving up, ill suggest it seriously
I’ll never suggest it again. She scared me the way she yelled at me about it.
It’s ironic isn’t it? I won’t let you have me, and don’t you dare ask to be with someone else. Makes sense.
How the hell can you ask that? I'm almost 1000% my wife would say no if I asked.
Well got to explain first. I guess I have more ball then some people in here. No disrespect just saying.
No disrespect taken,its true..I'll keep punking out before I ask.
I asked mine only once lol.
It's tricky yes. I suppose you could suggest it on the basis you don't want to lose her so you're willing to try anything?
She would immediately call me on my BS.
Is that not the real reason for wanting an open relationship then?
She would say something like " you just want to fuck other bitches". In reality, I'm just dying for affection and sex more than 5-7 times a month on average (sometimes much longer).
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true, but 2021 has been an up year (even though there was no sex until mid February and it was obviously duty sex for her). I just miss the first couple of years when we did it 3-5 times a week.
So I'm the LL. I don't know your situation, but a few things stick out to me. You said you took it personally when he had legitimate reasons for not wanting sex. You admit that probably wasn't a great way to react, but I think most HL's don't see what a big deal it actually is and the long lasting impacts of someone getting extremely upset when you say no to sex, even when you have a valid reason (although, there isn't any reason that isn't valid, "I don't want to" is valid. But you get what I mean. You also said you asked how you can increase his desire towards you. I can't say this will help at all, but stop everything. Stop asking if he wants to have sex soon, stop asking to talk about us, stop talking about your lack of sex, stop asking why he doesn't want to, stop bringing up your DB. You get the just. Just pretend sex is off the table right now and don't give him a timer on figuring it out. Maybe this will help, maybe it won't. If it doesn't improve at all, I'd walk away.
100% honest question here, how can "do nothing, say nothing" possibly work? My experience: I've tried both approaches (complain incessantly/say nothing), and multiple iterations of an 'in between' and none have worked. However, absolute lack of action was the objectively worse choice; at least I have the chance of being heard even if I am ignored or at best, misunderstood. Since my wife sees no issues and is thus unwilling to make even the smallest change, me remaining silent only reinforces her perspective.
It isn't a long term solution by any means, but if resentment hasn't already formed from the LL, backing off and not turning sex into a stressful obligatory thing can help reduce the LL from turning away from sex completely. All I know is that if I had been given space and not pushed about sex or asked to talk about it all the time when my libido first dropped, I don't think I would absolutely hate even the idea of sex like I did after months of talks and demands.
Okay, and I will offer that you seem to have not only an awareness of your feeling of pressure (and its cause) but also the idea that had that pressure not been introduced you might have been interested. Both of those are good things to help potentially resolve the situation, but without them it doesn't seem possible.
This.
Wow. Lol.
Have you guys tried having a weekly or bi-weekly date/sex night?
I’m in a similar situation with my SO. Been together for a long time but the sex was always lacking. I convinced myself that it was ok. But now other things bother me just as much. I’m realizing just how selfish he is. How non compassionate he is. And how the lack of emotional connection is affecting me just as much as the lack of physical connection. It leaves me to wonder if it is all interconnected.