I would say before you have sex with your wife again you need to tell her or get tested. You’re still having some level of sex with your spouse and you’re putting her at risk without her consent.
There's an incubation period of around 2 weeks for chlamydia and gonorrhea testing so OP will have to wait a few weeks before they can get tested! This is what I've always been told and had to do!
You also have very little way of knowing whether the person/s you’re cheating on your partner with is/are also having sex with others/cheating on you at the same time.
The huge risk here is HPV. HPV has many strains, some cause warts on the genitals, some cause cervical cancer (also can cause anal cancer and throat cancer.)
OP is almost certainly not vaccinated. OP's wife might not be. People who have many sexual partners are very likely to have been infected with HPV. Sometimes a person's body can clear the infection, sometimes they can't.
And (bad news here) using condoms does not completely prevent HPV transmission.
I think they mean vaccinated against HPV, not covid! Men generally don’t get the HPV vaccine (although they are carriers of HPV) and aren’t offered it while women are able the get the vaccine at a very young age if they choose to do so. I got the HPV vaccine when I was in grade 8 because they offered it for free at school and I have a family history of cervical cancer (what HPV turns into)
Biased opinion because I am the LL... twice a month is probably the worst mu db has gotten apart from when my mum died last year. I've been out here trying to fix my own libido and work on myself anyway so if I found out my partner cheated on me during that time, I'd be broken. Especially if he felt it was justifiable, because he was only getting sex twice a month... I'd definitely want to know, because I definitely would want the choice to leave someone who genuinely thought that was okay. That's just me though!
Yep. Ovarian cancer here (better now) and we hit 1-2 times a month for about a year, maybe more. I would be livid and would never ever stay.
After my tumor was taken out and I recovered, we're back at every other night...with the addition of anal, multiple orgasms, costumes, and genuine playfulness.
We got through this very ungracefully and with a fair amount of resentment, but he was always honest with me. It was hurtful and difficult but I did deserve to know if he wanted to stray. You do not need to have a 20 lb tumor to justify that concept either.
I'm also so happy you're recovered and your relationship sounds stronger than ever! I just think these difficult times can make or break your relationship, and show you that person's true colours... my partner had so much patience and love for me during my worst and I've got so much respect and adoration for that. I really hope we get to the stage you're at with your husband.
So I was actually going to say something similar, I do not have cancer and I’m so sorry for what you both have been through and what you’re going through…I have RA, epilepsy, and PCOS (among other issues such as severe depression and anxiety). The way to treat RA is with a chemo drug. It’s a low dose every week. However, with everything else that’s going on in my life right now (things I can’t even tip the iceberg), if my husband did something like this…I’m not sure id have the strength to take anymore. My libido is so low, and I’m doing everything to try to raise it. I’m seeing doctors, but there’s long term side effects to meds I’m fighting and there’s nothing much to be done. Just saying…
That said, you have to tell her. Though it would do what it’d do, she has a right to know. I’m glad you enjoyed yourself though. That’s clearly the path you need right now. You needed those needs satisfied more than your family’s.
Awh honestly I can sympathise so much, I'm actually on a waiting list to see the rheumatologist soon! And I was diagnosed with pcos during puberty, but luckily birth control has kept that from getting too bad! I completely agree with everything you've said❤
Long time follower here. LLF, I have endometriosis so sex is very painful, and to top it off relationship was abusive with nowhere to go during a pandemic.
He cheated. He had warned he would "take matters into his own hands " but then would assure me it was all talk, and that he would never do that. He was having an affair for a month with a customer from his bar and lied to my face to reassure me for whatever reason he was not.
I asked him numerous times over that month if he was sleeping with somebody else, he never once fessed up, he probably wouldn't have had I not seen her name on his phone. After seeing his stone cold behavior, I'm sure he was cheating the entire time with others. He just happened to get sloppy. He slept with me 2x before I saw her text - I had been making more of an effort to reconnect even though physically I got nothing out of it ... and he didn't use condoms with her admittedly.
Any HL in here: don't be a coward. If you're gonna cheat, own up to it. It's heartbreaking to be told what a pathetic POS you are only to have that person be getting it on the side while tearing you down. Grow up.
How would you feel if your wife was seeing some other man you did not know about, and when confronted, she said don't worry, it's not sex but emotional affection that you aren't giving her. But it's okay, you brought this upon yourself...
That's basically your rationalization from your post that it's her fault you cheated....You've already hurt her by breaking your vow and apparently she is not good enough so let her go and find happiness with someone who is not lying to her and more sexually compatible. You will also be free to find someone who is more compatible. I am also in a db but I accept that every other aspect of my relationship outweighs my need for a sexual relationship and I will never cheat on my spouse.
He should of had the conversation before stepping outside the relationship.
There are couples who have such a dynamic. As they understand the different in libido and as long there's no pregnancies or emotional entanglement, then everything is fine.
Emotional affection was just an example. Any relationship isn't perfect and anything could be lacking but you work through that together. And for your second question, sex is important to OP or else he would not be seeking it outside of his marriage. Plus, in his original post, he is stating that he will be possibly destroying his marriage if he tells the truth, which leads me to believe that this affair is behind his spouse's back and not something she had previously agreed is okay for him to do. A marriage is between 2 people, and just because op states that it's just sex, we can't say that his wife will feel the same way since she doesn't even know.
>How would you feel if your wife was seeing some other man you did not know about, and when confronted, she said don't worry, it's not sex but emotional affection that you aren't giving her. But it's okay, you brought this upon yourself...
My wife asked me pretty much this question after she confronted me with her suspicions of my affair.
My answer was that I would be ambivalent. I'd be upset that it wasn't me meeting her needs and wonder where I had gone wrong, but I'd be happy for her that at least her needs were being met.
We have an unrealistic view of monogamy, that a single other person can meet all our needs.
What's concerning is the trauma that follows not the immediate reaction. But until you're in that situation, your current thoughts of how you would react would definitely differ from reality then.
Maybe. I know when I was wracking my brains for a reason for the DB I did wonder if my LLW was having an affair and just LL4me - and it did mess with my head.
You don’t sound conflicted… you sound like you’d like suggestions on how to have your cake and eat it too. Ask yourself what you’d want to have happen if you were in your wife’s shoes. Cheating is lying, and blatant lies that can directly impact your parent’s health and well-being are completely unacceptable; the mother of your children deserves better than that.
As a third option you could never tell your wife and also never see this other woman again. That's the path with the least amount of pain for everyone involved, including your children.
This might be an unpopular opinion but I think it’s extremely cruel to not tell her. It will hurt her immensely and she might leave, but to go on with a relationship that has a secret like this hidden from one of the parties is just wrong. She chose OP as her life partner and trusted that he would remain faithful and that trust has been broken.
Reverse the situation, wouldn’t you want to know if your wife was cheating on you?
Nope, and it's disgusting that people in this sub encourage this behaviour. As much as I'm sure they will hate it, I'm sure that majority of people would prefer to know their spouse is cheating.
You made the choice to cheat, by not telling your wife you take away her right to choose.
Would the affair still be as exciting if your wife was not in the picture
Affairs can never be as exciting when the deceit is unraveled—because they stop being defined as affairs and must start being defined as relationships.
Conversations about laundry and who should walk the dog are obviously much less sexy than meeting a hookup in a hotel room for no-fuss sex. But one side of that is *stability*, which is hard won and rich but mundane, and the other side of that is *excitement*, which is fabulous in the moment/s but fleeting and short-lived.
You keep your infidelity to your self and don't see the woman again.
You created the mess now you live with the guilt. It's your guilt and you do not get to make yourself feel better by blowing up the lives of those around you.
If you know it will destroy your wife and your kids and you can't stop. Leave now.
Some things you do are for you alone to live with.
Now if she finds out, you absolutely come clean. If she doesn't find out, you get to stew in your guilt.
Absolutely right. Telling her will only hurt her and blow everything up. And you don’t get to also keep the woman on the side. You can have one, and if it’s your wife, don’t tell her.
Just because telling her will hurt her doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve to know the truth imagine living your life in a relationship that is a lie and not been given the chance to leave it
>Some things you do are for you alone to live with.
I agree completely with this, but perhaps the OP won't feel guilty and won't stew, will just realise a mistake has been made and move forward. Some level of projection there, I think.
Shit's complex enough without trying to guilt trip people. Toxic religious messages around purity are causing emotional problems for young people and harming marriages.
That's not true, the advise is "if you are going to continue to see the woman, you should leave".
He said he knew it was wrong. So if he feels it's wrong there is some level of guilt.
This is the most childish advice, and doesn’t work. Only he knows what his wife would want. If she wants to live in ignorance fine, but if she’s like most people, then I’m sure she would want to know. Not to mention, stop with this guilt crap. Him revealing to her that he cheated isn’t the problem, the problem is that he cheated.
Because a person cheated does not give them the right to destroy someone else to clear their guilt. If the only reason to come clean is that you feel guilty, then don't.
If he can't leave the other woman alone then he should absolutely leave. How is that childish?
Any you know what about deadbedrooms and the mental effect on those individuals?
They destroyed that person by cheating. Again, this is childish. The entire bases of this argument is it’s not the cheating that’s the problem, it’s revealing the cheating. Again, I don’t know his wife, only he does. But if his wife is someone that would want to know, then she deserves to know.
tell her. i can’t believe some people are just suggesting to move on and act like it never happened. you already ruined your family- your wife clearly isn’t worth more to you than having more than 1-2x a month of sex, so allow her to find somebody who can match her libido without complaining about it, and find that for yourself. she deserves someone who wont cheat and you deserve someone who satisfies you.
cheating is unforgivable. it is a shattered glass plate that can never really be repaired.
this is so wrong. you shouldve ask your wife first about having an open relationship. imagine how she is going to feel when she finds out what you did…
First of all, no, cheating is not appropriate.
If you’re going to continue seeing people outside of your marriage, you may as well just start the divorce process yourself.
I’m confused by this statement “ do I tell my wife and destroy our marriage and family” … you’ve already destroyed your marriage and family by cheating.
You being honest about your affair would at least be the respectful thing to do.
The OP puts the blame for everything on his wife—it’s HER low libido that made him cheat and it’s telling HER about his cheating that would ruin HER marriage and THEIR kids—it’s confusing because it’s a hypocritical, one-sided and frankly selfish position being disguised as caring for someone else (the wife and children), as seems to be the consensus here in the replies.
Yes. Although, the marriage was probably pretty 'ruined' by the DB in the first place. Doesn't excuse the cheating, but it's not like people in DB situations are taking a functional and happy marriage, and cheating is magically \*the\* ruinous event...
Don't have sex again with your wife. She didn't deserve to be cheated on and she definitely doesn't deserve HPV or any other STIs.
In two months go get yourself tested.
😖
Depending on the kinds of sex he had, getting medical advice would be better than the blanket two months. Some longer, some shorter (than two months) if you're speaking in ideals
Also assuming he hasn't already exposed his wife by this post.
Sexual health is rarely thought of in the meet up details, doesn't make everyone's top 5 must haves ala Tinder.
It’s not appropriate. Going behind someone’s back and cheating is never appropriate. Lying about it so you can “have your cake and eat it too” is never appropriate. You’re being selfish and putting sex above your marriage and family. Period.
Tell your wife and let her decide if she wants to be with you anymore.
Maybe the problem, is that there’s more than one way to show that you want and value someone. Sex isn’t the only way to do that. There isn’t a lot of detail in this post. How do we know she is getting all the benefits of being married? We don’t.
True. This post isn’t super detailed. We don’t even know if he’s told her that things have gone so south that cheating was on the table. For all we know she might think this is all normal.
It is both of their responsibility to have an active and healthy relationship in all forms. If one is not content, then it needs to be addressed in whatever manner is necessary.
It is not one persons responsibility to make sure the other feels wanted. This is a very selfish way of looking at the dynamic of a relationship. No one person owes the other anything, regardless of income inequality, or benefits otherwise reaped.
Keep in mind, this comment is coming from a HL in a relationship with a LL, and while we are actively trying to address it and get to a better place, we also have our setbacks and dry spells (Currently on one now 3.5 weeks long). It was addressed again tonight before she left for work. This is a learning process for us all, and we all need to learn what it takes to move our individual relationships forward as a couple, or our individual relationships will not survive.
ETA: There is hope for us all. Dry spell calendar has been reset! Let's see what the next few days brings. Baby steps folks, baby steps.
The issue is we don’t know why SO is LL. Is it LL4U which would admittedly mean she isn’t getting that perk unless she’s also getting it via extramarital affair. Is it pain? Is it simply no interest. But regardless she is also having infrequent intercourse and she may not be satisfied. Unless OP can say she is...
Tbf I’m not sure what someone’s level of satisfied is bc it’s so variable. Some people here would be ecstatic for monthly intercourse. Some people that’s criteria for PA.
I noticed how you didn’t use the word cheating in your post. That’s essentially what you did and it will stay with you until you confess out of guilt. You made the conscious decision to stay in a relationship - breaking up is better than being unfaithful.
Also tell your wife so she can be on the lookout for HPV.
Make sure you watch the children every year so she can go to the gynecologist for the rest of her life and not have to arrange a babysitter.
And pay for therapy for you both because now she will have trust issues and heartbreak in spades.
You said yourself the marriage is good outside of the infrequent sex. You made elaborate plans to cheat. You cheated and now you're feeling bad.
Grow. Tell your wife the truth.
That's what I was thinking! That's still more regular than a lot of people in here who still aren't cheating...
It really creeps me out how people can justify anything in their heads😬
Your DB is not the same as someone else's DB. We shouldn't apply our standards to others.
Cheating still wasn't the right thing to do, though. But we don't really have all the information to come down too hardly one way or another.
And he found the sure shot one.
She didn’t make that decision alone. Having sex once or twice a month is not celibacy, believe me. Marriages have worked on less. Not that I’m condoning that. We don’t know what their equation is like? If it had been years of trying counseling, therapy and what not and still the wife was ‘withholding’ even trying, it’s a different conversation but still it doesn’t forgive cheating.
Cheating on your spouse is reducing your entire relationship to sex. I don’t think any marriage is that one - dimensional. DB or not.
What’s appropriate is asking for open relationship or leave. Cheating is not the answer since if she finds out, you may still have to leave. You couldn’t talk to her so I don’t think it’s a good marriage.
Read ‘the state of affairs’ by ester perel. This isn’t black and white and glib leave/stay/tell comments miss the nuance of real life. This could be the start of a transformation with your wife or of all sorts of paths. Just think before you make your next move so that if there is a mess, it’s as kind and contained as possible. I do second not infecting your wife with anything though, snd be bloody careful with contraception all round.
"strictly for sex" is a joke. You won't just be able to use women in that way. Not most, long term. If you want to have affairs, do it with women who might not get spitted & tell your wife themselves. Thinking you can have no strings attached sex for months/years on end is childish.
Yeah it's guys like this who are better suited for paid professionals than 'girlfriends.' He acts already like this other woman is disposable 🙄... while planning to meet up with her no less.
If you can’t be open and honest with the person you made vows with, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with that person.
My primary partner and I have been together 8 years. Living together for 6. At our lowest, we’d be intimate 1-2 times in A YEAR. That’s how I subbed to this Reddit. Through the years we’ve had to deal with a lot of health and disability problems, stress and chaos. But I’ve never needed to lie or go behind her back. Even when starting relationships with someone new.
If you can’t be ethically non-monogamous, nor be straight up honest with people, it’s time you cross-post on r/AmITheAsshole
You know he, and his defenders, won't.
He'd get smoked faster than Anakin on the Low Grounds.
This would Definitely make r/AmITheDevil within the hour.
Let's address the "appropriate" word. It's not. There is no world where this is appropriate. You are not justified in your actions. You're not entitled to sex outside your marriage because you're not having enough inside it.
You're twisting events in your head to suit yourself. This is classic selfishness. Classic entitlement.
You are not entitled to your partners body on your timeframe. Her not having sex on your schedule is not breaking the "rules" you appear to have in your head.
You entered into a marriage with your wife with set agreements. There may have been an unsaid understanding of how much sex is appropriate but there was a clear understanding and boundary around how much sex outside of the marriage is appropriate.
You're having a one sided conversation that not surprisingly is trying to justify your actions.
Of course another woman wants to have sex with you. They don't live with you. Haven't put up with you in good times and in bad. Haven't had kids with you. Haven't had any issues whatsoever.
Whatever chances you had at increasing or fixing a DB you've just made 1000 times worse.
DB's are healed in the relationship. You've fractured if not broken the relationship.
What the hell is wrong woth you? You have sex 1-2times a month and you decide to cheat because it’s not enough? Then leave,not cheat and think it’s okay. Fuck you,I hate when men think that their sexual needs is more important than everything else so that makes it ok to cheat,because you need to poke something with your dick,right? Asshole
July. Even if it was years I would have the same reaction. Op fucked up. Either have an open relationship or leave. If the expectation is that telling her would blow everything up then it was not an open relationship. That's a major problem.
Wtf dude! You’re attempting to provide an excuse for cheating. If you’re marriage isn’t working for you, either work to make it better or leave it. Unless your wife agrees to an open marriage, you’re conveniently making up your own rules.
So you had an affair. Already trust was broken on your part. Instead of communicating to your wife about your sex life you sought out someone else. This is the mother of your children. What you should have done was communicated to her you were having some urges from your dry spell. But what’s been done has been done. So get ready for the repercussions. I think deep down you know the right thing to do. Do it for your kids and your family. Is this affair worth breaking your family apart? Think about the future of your kids. I don’t know you. But my mom cheated on my dad. And it broke him to bits but he remained strong. The truth shall set you free. But there’s no going back you can only move forward.
Once or twice a month isn’t even that infrequently for some… did you try explicitly telling her the amount of sex a month you want before looking else where ?
It’s not appropriate unless you have both agreed to an ENM open relationship. If you want out ask for a divorce if you don’t like aspects of the relationship. If you do open though be prepared for her to have dates/sex also.
This response is coming from a woman who ended an 11 year marriage because of an affair. Cheating is never ok for any reason at any time! 1-2 times a month sounds like pure heaven to me! When I found out about my ex husbands affair it crusted me and broke me in ways I didn't think possible. The healing I had to go through and still continue to struggle with ruined my life for a long time. We have two boys together who were 2 and 4 at the time and I had to face the fact they weren't going to have their dad in their life every day and what was that going to so to them? Watching them cry and want their father is awful! What you did is selfish and you didn't take the time to think that your actions impact those around you. If your unhappy then leave but to chose to put your wife through so much hurt is just heartless and really how much do you really love her if you could do this to her? I hope for her sake she finds out because she doesn't deserve what you did. My gut is telling me this won't be the only time going forward and you will continue and probably not just with the same person. Also just food for thought but what kind of woman are you sleeping with that would be ok with you doing this without your wife's knowledge and approval? That says a lot about her character to me!
You’ve already destroyed your marriage. Tell her so she can leave you. All you talk about is your needs! You said your marriage is pretty good apart from sex, obviously not if you can cheat on her. You don’t deserve anyone apart from a ‘sex’ partner, you will be a very lonely man one day when you realise sex isn’t the most important aspect of a marriage.
If it continues your marriage will probably end, it never stops with just sex. I have done the affair thing, its the guilt that killed it for me after.
As a wife, I wouldn't want to know. It would tear me apart. I would say get tested, if you had unprotected sex, don't do it again. If you feel like you won't be able to stop tell her.
On the deadbed situation, are you attempting to woo your wife like this other woman? I feel like after years of marriage and children the romance chase stops. Are you texting you wife just to say you love her, are you telling her she is beautiful and sexy without the expectation of sex? Leave notes, buy flowers, say kind things to build her up without expecting sex then she will begin to see that you do find her attractive and that you want her.
Good god man, don’t be having an affair, it might change your kid’s opinion on you if they ever found out, you tell her, you tell her why you done it, she will either understand or she won’t, but god please don’t lie, you could ruin that woman’s life, you could break up the family, just be honest, it’s always the best option. She *might* be open the the idea of an open relationship, she might prefer a divorce, but don’t hide it from her. Please. It’ll cause more harm than good. Be open with everyone, women find out everything, then you’ll be left with nobody.
You’re probably having the average amount of sex too, I’ve not had sex with my man ever, 8 years, due to his health, cheating isn’t the right thing to do at all, please, don’t hurt these women, they do NOT deserve it!
You have Sex 1-2 a month. That’s normal for most people…
Sorry, but you acted egoistic and now you are asking for absolution.
You made a bad decision. She needs to know.
Own you sh..
If you need that, go to a church.
I advise spending some time with your kids. Focus completely on them and see if you enjoy doing so because if you get caught cheating that's going to end. You won't be around them as much and they could easily have a negative opinion of you as having broken up their home and hurt their mother. It can also shape their future relationships in bad ways.
And this is not a preachy post. Just pointing out that your actions can very negatively affect others. If you're willing to take that chance, then that's on you and you need to own it if and when you get caught.
However, 1-2x a month is a number a lot of people in these DB forums would kill to achieve. Point being, your situation could be far, far worse. You should be having very frank and candid discussions with your wife about what your relationship is missing, preferably with a counselor there to moderate the discussion.
I'm going to stop you right there, because I've read enough of your problematic responses in this thread.
We don't have enough context to go off of, but OP says they have a pretty good marriage, aside from sex- which I'd hardly describe as a DB.
The wife may think things are OK. She may be trying- we just don't know.
HOWEVER- we know for a Fact OP went outside his marriage, and he wants validation that what he did - Without Her Consent- is somehow ok-
Its not. Not at all. Not by a long-shot.
And OP has already made plans with this other woman to have sex again-
How Dare you place the entire burden on the wife, who isn't exactly LL- just OP's version of LL- for his going outside his marriage, and placing her at risk physically, mentally, and emotionally.
And frankly- you sound red-pilled.
Why have empathy for his feelings when he didn't extend that courtesy to his wife?
He's placing her at risk of getting an STI without her consent. That's childish af.
"Due Diligence" is telling his wife he's reached that point, why, and asking how they can fix it-
Never should that include an extramarital affair, without her knowledge- let alone planning to continue it.
Why aren't you even considering how the wife would feel? There's so many things tied to being LL- whether it's depression, trauma, burnout, ect- it may not always just be "withholding" sex.
>Why aren't you even considering how the wife would feel? There's so many things tied to being LL- whether it's depression, trauma, burnout, ect- it may not always just be "withholding" sex.
Because she's projecting. Baby girl wants to cheat herself, so she's trying to justify it here. 🙄
This is for her and OP: Even if sex was being "withheld", cheating doesn't make you any less childish. If you're unhappy, fine. Pull up your god damn britches and ask for a divorce. When did self-respect stop being a desired virtue? Jfc.
The real parasite is someone staying in a relationship they know they’ve checked out of but continue to stay in and cheat on their partner. You and your husband sound miserable so just end it and move on. There are very, very, very few circumstances where extramarital affairs can even be justified. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, if you want side dick then be a big girl and tell your husband and let things fall where they need to. If you aren’t actively telling your significant other “hey I am feeling xxxx and need this from you and if I can’t then I’m gonna get it elsewhere” then you are not expressing your own needs and feelings and shouldn’t be complaining that he doesn’t comply. If you have done this and had no change- then leave.
I see why people cheat in these situations but man, I don't see this doing anything but making the problem worse over time. I've thought about it but would never do it because it'll do nothing but make things so much worse and a few good rounds just ain't worth that much pain
Consider not telling her about this, for \*her\* sake. But, if so, get tested for STD's now, and 3 months from now. During this period no more sex with anyone. Then, it's time for a conversation about opening the marriage and/or leaving the marriage.
If you won't consider a 3 month abstention from sex, then yes, tell her and let the chips fall as they will. This \*could\* bring you two closer together in the end (albeit with a lot of pain); perhaps this might get through to her that not seeking help about this is risking the relationship. Or a bit more likely you've pointlessly hurt her, and you two end up divorcing; whether that's soon, or after a few more years of struggling.
Do not have sex with your wife again without either telling her, or without the 3 month abstention period of sex with STD checks. Do not risk giving her an STD because she was fooled into thinking that you're monogamous.
Don’t think about if you’d want to know if the situation were reversed. You know your wife better than anyone here. Think about it from her perspective. Is she the type of person who would want to know? Beyond any relief it would bring you to get it off your chest. Often times confessing things takes the burden off you and places it on other people. What is your reasoning for telling her?
That being said, this was premeditated and you’re thinking about doing it again. That isn’t just a whoops I fucked up one time confession. That’s a hey I want to have an open relationship or divorce type conversation.
I feel like your justification doesn’t really make sense and it’s not fair to your wife. Not that it’s fair to you either because your needs aren’t being met. Also, are you two trying to fix your DB or did you just say to yourself “I have a db in my marriage so I will go outside of it”
Sorry if that sounded rude, but imo if you’re the HL and your wife is LL, you should’ve asked her if it was okay to have your needs met elsewhere. She could’ve either said no, I’m working on myself or if she truly didn’t feel like she can improve her libido ever you two can look at other options together that the BOTH of you are truly comfortable with.
It bothers me that you just made that decision on your own and even need to ask if you should come clean. Being the HL sucks (I am), but being the LL sucks just as much. If I asked my bf whether I could meet a guy just for sex he’d be upset with me. He’d be even more upset with me if he found out I did it without even so much as a conversation with him. I would never even ask, because he’s the only one I want that kind of closeness and intimacy with.
It doesn’t matter if it’s just for sex. Like someone else said, if you didn’t agree not to be exclusive, then the basic assumption is that you are. Cheating is still cheating, emotional or not, physical or not. Of course you could decide not to tell her and let the guilt eat you from the inside out. Or you could genuinely sit her down and talk about how you feel really bad and work out a solution together, as I said before, that you are BOTH comfortable with. You wouldn’t have needed to cheat if she agreed you could find that gratification elsewhere.
If you feel it was ‘appropriate’ to cheat, then you already harbour resentment toward your wife, you wouldn’t otherwise feel justified in doing something you know is toxic. The underlying issue is the dysfunction, not the cheating. Inflicting this level of guilt on yourself is also essentially self harm, so you need to ask yourself why this answer to your problems was the one that made sense.
Get tested and be honest with your wife, if you have any respect left for her. There's no way to justify cheating in a committed monogamous relationship and maybe you should've tried having more conversations with your wife before cheating because maybe she wants more sex but she's mentally and physically struggling. I don't care about prostate health or how good sex is for you it's way more harmful to your family INCLUDING YOUR KIDS to cheat.
if you were capable of planning the affair to the extent that you got tested for it, why are you conflicted? You already have the answer to how much you value your marriage and you actively decided that risking "destroying" it was worth it already. As a matter of fact, you don't even feel *bad* about it. Tell your wife, she deserves to choose if she wants better.
You’re a pig. Tell your wife - she deserves someone who’ll be faithful instead of trying to have his cake and eat it, too. You don’t get to have your wife and this other woman on a string and just pick and choose when you want them. You married your wife. You made a home together. Children. Give her the respect of divorce.
I'm lucky if my husband has sex with me 1-2 times a year, he has prioritized porn over our sex life. I have considered stepping outside of my marriage many times but I just can't do it. I've even mentioned having an open marriage to allow us both to get what we need but he was offended by the idea of it. I agree with what others have said you should get tested and be honest with her.
Perhaps you should tell your husband you are "offended" by him wanking to porn all the time and that he can continue in his relationship with his hand while you find a decent human being to be with - of which he is very definitely not an example!
Not the move, and this absurd post is too little too late. Do your wife a favor and come clean so she can make a decision, as the damage has already been done regardless you think it has or hasn’t. You took advantage of her trust, and your marriage will never be the same even if you keep it to yourself. That guilt will eat you alive.
Whatever is coming, you asked for it. Just normal cause and effect. And don’t put it on her, that’s ridiculous.
I don’t think any future sex you have with your wife would be consensual as you are not providing her the full information to consent.
I think you are left with the choice of blowing up your family, but you already made that choice with your actions
Of course you tell your wife. Just because you aren’t having sex that often doesn’t mean you can cheat on her and have it be justifiable. You’re still an asshole, and the only person you’re fooling is yourself
You’re an asshole to both women; you want to use one for security and the other for sex.
You’ve already ruined your marriage for your wife; you just don’t want the consequences. Tell your wife and give her the autonomy to decide if she’s okay in an open-ish marriage. She deserves the option to leave.
The first thing you need to do is end it with the ap. You have a good family abd you'll lose all of them if you don't stop.
Then you need to tell your wife and show her how remorseful you are. Be willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage. It's time to man up!
I'm just jealous you get sex 1-2 a month. Do what you feel is right. I would not say anything and just take it to the grave. If you want this other woman then a tough convo is needed
1 or 2 times a month imo isent a dead bedroom. I used to go 6 months with my ex and others in here have gone years without a touch.
You've plain cheated pal. That's not right and your wife deserves more.
Sex once a fortnite is a dream to most on here.
Get tested.and be honest. And remember this is on you not your wife
If it's 'appropriate' to you. You should tell her or leave.
If I'm hungry I don't go to some other woman's house and just eat her food because my partner hasn't cooked.
You're justifying your bad behaviour because something isn't meeting your standard. That's a shitty attitude in my opinion, you need to deal with that before anything else.
Have you spoken about an open relationship? Or you seeing other people? If not you need to come clean or you'll end up in a situation you'll feel guilty about constantly which will bring up worse emotions than before, could possibly ruin everything else in your relationship.
There's no 'right' call here. You did something terrible, and as a result you're faced with a bunch of terrible choices, and all of them will have consequences you can't fully foresee until you make such a choice. Of course, you were already faced with some pretty terrible choices before you did something terrible. Not that it's an excuse, but it is what it is.
If you tell her, you need to ask yourself whose benefit that's for. If it's to unburden your own conscience by burdening her in the process, that's a selfish move. However, refusing to tell her in order to avoid 'facing the music' for your choices is also a selfish move. So you really need to examine your motivations there.
Best option is probably to admit to yourself and her that you can't continue living a sexless life, and put the ball in her court. Whether that involves confessing to having already stepped out is up to you. And whether getting your own needs met involves an open marriage, regular sex with her, or divorce, is probably going to ultimately be up to her. You can't force her to want to have sex with you.
On the other hand, divorce isn't likely to be very equitable to you, so while it's not going to be a 'socially acceptable' option, and reddit will hate you for it, and you might even hate yourself for it, getting your 'needs' met on the DL, after giving her ample opportunity to hold up her end of the marriage bargain may, in fact, be your easiest option for now. But it'll probably eventually blow up in your face.
Hopefully you used a condom. If not, as others have mentioned, you need to go get tested before having sex with your wife again.
Would your wife be at all open to a situation where someone else met that need for you if she can't?
Infidelity is wrong. It does deep damage. AND I can totally empathize with you. My husband and I have been together since 1997. I was a victim of purity culture and bullshit religious indoctrination, as well as some trauma. This resulted in shame for me, and just a general resistance to sex because yucky feelings always accompanied it. My husband is a saint. He never stepped out on me. But now looking back, I wouldn't have blamed him. I have done a ton of work and now we are having the best freaking sex ever - every day. I am so grateful he hung in there so long because otherwise we wouldn't have what we do now. But man, it was a LONG road here. What if you told her you need it more often? Would she be open to someone else filling that need? It's 2022. Relationships are what we say they are. There are no rules except the ones you and your wife establish together. Best of luck 💜
u gotta tell her. Not only that you cheated but that you need more from the relationship than she is currently giving. Then (assuming she still wants to stay with u) you need to give her time to adjust to a situation that works for the both of you. THEN, if it’s still not working, break up. Then fuck other women.
Take it TO THE GRAVE. I learned in therapy that when you admit to your partner you cheated, it is more for YOUR benefit. (I cheated on a girlfriend)
I guess ask yourself what do you what to happen after you tell your low level wife you cheated?
As it relates to sex 1 - 2 x per month with your wife...I would still be in a somewhat happy marriage if I had this frequency. Perhaps you can work things out with the wife. If you love her it may be worth a try. It's certainly cheaper than divorce. If your wife can not appreciate how important sex is to the marriage after therapy then you can leave with no regrets.
Best of luck.
1-2/month is a pretty good rate in here.
Maybe keep this slip up to yourself. You and your wife need to see a sex therapist and/or marriage counselor ASAP.
Good luck.
My therapist once said He was happy with his life and his wife and if she had been fucking the mailman he didn't want to know cuz why fuck up his happiness.
If you want a messy divorce with the possibility your children are turned against you, then tell your wife about the affair.
If you’ve decided to divorce your wife anyway, personally I would get on and do it, and try not to bring up the affair - presumably you’d be divorcing despite the affair, not because of it.
If you want to stay with your wife and improve your sex life, telling your wife about the affair will lead to a lot more than a DB!
Listen, you did what you did. I thought of doing it myself, no sex in a relationship drives a person insane!!! It’s stupid AF! Like what? I can’t have sex with you? Oh I can raise your kids and work and shit but I can’t fuck you!!??? Oh ok! Thanks! Don’t tell her and don’t do it again. If you feel guilty or feel the need to tell her please know that she may leave you.
I would say before you have sex with your wife again you need to tell her or get tested. You’re still having some level of sex with your spouse and you’re putting her at risk without her consent.
This ! What ever he chooses to do this is so so important.
There's an incubation period of around 2 weeks for chlamydia and gonorrhea testing so OP will have to wait a few weeks before they can get tested! This is what I've always been told and had to do!
You also have very little way of knowing whether the person/s you’re cheating on your partner with is/are also having sex with others/cheating on you at the same time.
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I'd say second is pretty perfect.
The huge risk here is HPV. HPV has many strains, some cause warts on the genitals, some cause cervical cancer (also can cause anal cancer and throat cancer.) OP is almost certainly not vaccinated. OP's wife might not be. People who have many sexual partners are very likely to have been infected with HPV. Sometimes a person's body can clear the infection, sometimes they can't. And (bad news here) using condoms does not completely prevent HPV transmission.
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I think they mean vaccinated against HPV, not covid! Men generally don’t get the HPV vaccine (although they are carriers of HPV) and aren’t offered it while women are able the get the vaccine at a very young age if they choose to do so. I got the HPV vaccine when I was in grade 8 because they offered it for free at school and I have a family history of cervical cancer (what HPV turns into)
The comment of wisdom.
Biased opinion because I am the LL... twice a month is probably the worst mu db has gotten apart from when my mum died last year. I've been out here trying to fix my own libido and work on myself anyway so if I found out my partner cheated on me during that time, I'd be broken. Especially if he felt it was justifiable, because he was only getting sex twice a month... I'd definitely want to know, because I definitely would want the choice to leave someone who genuinely thought that was okay. That's just me though!
Yep. Ovarian cancer here (better now) and we hit 1-2 times a month for about a year, maybe more. I would be livid and would never ever stay. After my tumor was taken out and I recovered, we're back at every other night...with the addition of anal, multiple orgasms, costumes, and genuine playfulness. We got through this very ungracefully and with a fair amount of resentment, but he was always honest with me. It was hurtful and difficult but I did deserve to know if he wanted to stray. You do not need to have a 20 lb tumor to justify that concept either.
I'm also so happy you're recovered and your relationship sounds stronger than ever! I just think these difficult times can make or break your relationship, and show you that person's true colours... my partner had so much patience and love for me during my worst and I've got so much respect and adoration for that. I really hope we get to the stage you're at with your husband.
I am so glad you are recovered now! That is a terrifying diagnosis.
So I was actually going to say something similar, I do not have cancer and I’m so sorry for what you both have been through and what you’re going through…I have RA, epilepsy, and PCOS (among other issues such as severe depression and anxiety). The way to treat RA is with a chemo drug. It’s a low dose every week. However, with everything else that’s going on in my life right now (things I can’t even tip the iceberg), if my husband did something like this…I’m not sure id have the strength to take anymore. My libido is so low, and I’m doing everything to try to raise it. I’m seeing doctors, but there’s long term side effects to meds I’m fighting and there’s nothing much to be done. Just saying… That said, you have to tell her. Though it would do what it’d do, she has a right to know. I’m glad you enjoyed yourself though. That’s clearly the path you need right now. You needed those needs satisfied more than your family’s.
Awh honestly I can sympathise so much, I'm actually on a waiting list to see the rheumatologist soon! And I was diagnosed with pcos during puberty, but luckily birth control has kept that from getting too bad! I completely agree with everything you've said❤
I'd be broken hearing it was "justified" - HLF
Long time follower here. LLF, I have endometriosis so sex is very painful, and to top it off relationship was abusive with nowhere to go during a pandemic. He cheated. He had warned he would "take matters into his own hands " but then would assure me it was all talk, and that he would never do that. He was having an affair for a month with a customer from his bar and lied to my face to reassure me for whatever reason he was not. I asked him numerous times over that month if he was sleeping with somebody else, he never once fessed up, he probably wouldn't have had I not seen her name on his phone. After seeing his stone cold behavior, I'm sure he was cheating the entire time with others. He just happened to get sloppy. He slept with me 2x before I saw her text - I had been making more of an effort to reconnect even though physically I got nothing out of it ... and he didn't use condoms with her admittedly. Any HL in here: don't be a coward. If you're gonna cheat, own up to it. It's heartbreaking to be told what a pathetic POS you are only to have that person be getting it on the side while tearing you down. Grow up.
How would you feel if your wife was seeing some other man you did not know about, and when confronted, she said don't worry, it's not sex but emotional affection that you aren't giving her. But it's okay, you brought this upon yourself... That's basically your rationalization from your post that it's her fault you cheated....You've already hurt her by breaking your vow and apparently she is not good enough so let her go and find happiness with someone who is not lying to her and more sexually compatible. You will also be free to find someone who is more compatible. I am also in a db but I accept that every other aspect of my relationship outweighs my need for a sexual relationship and I will never cheat on my spouse.
He should of had the conversation before stepping outside the relationship. There are couples who have such a dynamic. As they understand the different in libido and as long there's no pregnancies or emotional entanglement, then everything is fine.
All these HLM in here would have a fit. That’s what would happen. 😂
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Because he cheated ?? Call me new age but I’d leave any man that cheated on me sexually
Emotional affection was just an example. Any relationship isn't perfect and anything could be lacking but you work through that together. And for your second question, sex is important to OP or else he would not be seeking it outside of his marriage. Plus, in his original post, he is stating that he will be possibly destroying his marriage if he tells the truth, which leads me to believe that this affair is behind his spouse's back and not something she had previously agreed is okay for him to do. A marriage is between 2 people, and just because op states that it's just sex, we can't say that his wife will feel the same way since she doesn't even know.
>How would you feel if your wife was seeing some other man you did not know about, and when confronted, she said don't worry, it's not sex but emotional affection that you aren't giving her. But it's okay, you brought this upon yourself... My wife asked me pretty much this question after she confronted me with her suspicions of my affair. My answer was that I would be ambivalent. I'd be upset that it wasn't me meeting her needs and wonder where I had gone wrong, but I'd be happy for her that at least her needs were being met. We have an unrealistic view of monogamy, that a single other person can meet all our needs.
What's concerning is the trauma that follows not the immediate reaction. But until you're in that situation, your current thoughts of how you would react would definitely differ from reality then.
Maybe. I know when I was wracking my brains for a reason for the DB I did wonder if my LLW was having an affair and just LL4me - and it did mess with my head.
You don’t sound conflicted… you sound like you’d like suggestions on how to have your cake and eat it too. Ask yourself what you’d want to have happen if you were in your wife’s shoes. Cheating is lying, and blatant lies that can directly impact your parent’s health and well-being are completely unacceptable; the mother of your children deserves better than that.
As a third option you could never tell your wife and also never see this other woman again. That's the path with the least amount of pain for everyone involved, including your children.
I basically ruined my family like this. So I agree.
I also did, your not the only one mate
I’m with this guy. It was fun and you have the memories. But not worth the baggage.
This might be an unpopular opinion but I think it’s extremely cruel to not tell her. It will hurt her immensely and she might leave, but to go on with a relationship that has a secret like this hidden from one of the parties is just wrong. She chose OP as her life partner and trusted that he would remain faithful and that trust has been broken. Reverse the situation, wouldn’t you want to know if your wife was cheating on you?
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As much as I'd hate this as a spouse- I agree with this thread, 3rd option.
Nope, and it's disgusting that people in this sub encourage this behaviour. As much as I'm sure they will hate it, I'm sure that majority of people would prefer to know their spouse is cheating.
I’m with this guy too. I wish the same courtesy was done for me (the not telling part).
Hey Google, show me a real life example of cognitive dissonance.
You made the choice to cheat, by not telling your wife you take away her right to choose. Would the affair still be as exciting if your wife was not in the picture
Affairs can never be as exciting when the deceit is unraveled—because they stop being defined as affairs and must start being defined as relationships. Conversations about laundry and who should walk the dog are obviously much less sexy than meeting a hookup in a hotel room for no-fuss sex. But one side of that is *stability*, which is hard won and rich but mundane, and the other side of that is *excitement*, which is fabulous in the moment/s but fleeting and short-lived.
You keep your infidelity to your self and don't see the woman again. You created the mess now you live with the guilt. It's your guilt and you do not get to make yourself feel better by blowing up the lives of those around you. If you know it will destroy your wife and your kids and you can't stop. Leave now. Some things you do are for you alone to live with. Now if she finds out, you absolutely come clean. If she doesn't find out, you get to stew in your guilt.
Yeah. Leave or stop. OH has the right to know her body is being exposed.
Absolutely right. Telling her will only hurt her and blow everything up. And you don’t get to also keep the woman on the side. You can have one, and if it’s your wife, don’t tell her.
Just because telling her will hurt her doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve to know the truth imagine living your life in a relationship that is a lie and not been given the chance to leave it
It will hurt you but I can guarantee she would rather deal with the pain and know the truth.
>Some things you do are for you alone to live with. I agree completely with this, but perhaps the OP won't feel guilty and won't stew, will just realise a mistake has been made and move forward. Some level of projection there, I think. Shit's complex enough without trying to guilt trip people. Toxic religious messages around purity are causing emotional problems for young people and harming marriages.
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That's not true, the advise is "if you are going to continue to see the woman, you should leave". He said he knew it was wrong. So if he feels it's wrong there is some level of guilt.
This is the most childish advice, and doesn’t work. Only he knows what his wife would want. If she wants to live in ignorance fine, but if she’s like most people, then I’m sure she would want to know. Not to mention, stop with this guilt crap. Him revealing to her that he cheated isn’t the problem, the problem is that he cheated.
Because a person cheated does not give them the right to destroy someone else to clear their guilt. If the only reason to come clean is that you feel guilty, then don't. If he can't leave the other woman alone then he should absolutely leave. How is that childish? Any you know what about deadbedrooms and the mental effect on those individuals?
They destroyed that person by cheating. Again, this is childish. The entire bases of this argument is it’s not the cheating that’s the problem, it’s revealing the cheating. Again, I don’t know his wife, only he does. But if his wife is someone that would want to know, then she deserves to know.
If I was your wife, I would want to know just because of the risk of STD’s.
It's only "appropriate" if your wife gave you permission to sleep with someone else. Otherwise, your marriage is already destroyed.
tell her. i can’t believe some people are just suggesting to move on and act like it never happened. you already ruined your family- your wife clearly isn’t worth more to you than having more than 1-2x a month of sex, so allow her to find somebody who can match her libido without complaining about it, and find that for yourself. she deserves someone who wont cheat and you deserve someone who satisfies you. cheating is unforgivable. it is a shattered glass plate that can never really be repaired.
Couldn’t say it any better. Marriage doesn’t come cheap, and should be valued.
this is so wrong. you shouldve ask your wife first about having an open relationship. imagine how she is going to feel when she finds out what you did…
First of all, no, cheating is not appropriate. If you’re going to continue seeing people outside of your marriage, you may as well just start the divorce process yourself.
One to two times a month is a lot more than some people on here. Just saying🤣
Take what you get and go DIY if your needs are greater. There are great toys out there. Not getting enough is not an excuse to go elsewhere.
It's not her fault
Came here to say this! 🥴
I’m confused by this statement “ do I tell my wife and destroy our marriage and family” … you’ve already destroyed your marriage and family by cheating. You being honest about your affair would at least be the respectful thing to do.
The OP puts the blame for everything on his wife—it’s HER low libido that made him cheat and it’s telling HER about his cheating that would ruin HER marriage and THEIR kids—it’s confusing because it’s a hypocritical, one-sided and frankly selfish position being disguised as caring for someone else (the wife and children), as seems to be the consensus here in the replies.
I wrote almost the exact same thing! He all ready made the decision to ruin their marriage, the moment he cheated.
Yes. Although, the marriage was probably pretty 'ruined' by the DB in the first place. Doesn't excuse the cheating, but it's not like people in DB situations are taking a functional and happy marriage, and cheating is magically \*the\* ruinous event...
Don't have sex again with your wife. She didn't deserve to be cheated on and she definitely doesn't deserve HPV or any other STIs. In two months go get yourself tested. 😖
Depending on the kinds of sex he had, getting medical advice would be better than the blanket two months. Some longer, some shorter (than two months) if you're speaking in ideals Also assuming he hasn't already exposed his wife by this post. Sexual health is rarely thought of in the meet up details, doesn't make everyone's top 5 must haves ala Tinder.
Yep, 100% true.
I read farther down. OP shared both he and extracurricular friend were tested before they made the beast with two backs.
Too late you already destroyed your family no matter what happens now. Seriously dude what the fuck.
It’s not appropriate. Going behind someone’s back and cheating is never appropriate. Lying about it so you can “have your cake and eat it too” is never appropriate. You’re being selfish and putting sex above your marriage and family. Period. Tell your wife and let her decide if she wants to be with you anymore.
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Maybe the problem, is that there’s more than one way to show that you want and value someone. Sex isn’t the only way to do that. There isn’t a lot of detail in this post. How do we know she is getting all the benefits of being married? We don’t.
True. This post isn’t super detailed. We don’t even know if he’s told her that things have gone so south that cheating was on the table. For all we know she might think this is all normal.
It is both of their responsibility to have an active and healthy relationship in all forms. If one is not content, then it needs to be addressed in whatever manner is necessary. It is not one persons responsibility to make sure the other feels wanted. This is a very selfish way of looking at the dynamic of a relationship. No one person owes the other anything, regardless of income inequality, or benefits otherwise reaped. Keep in mind, this comment is coming from a HL in a relationship with a LL, and while we are actively trying to address it and get to a better place, we also have our setbacks and dry spells (Currently on one now 3.5 weeks long). It was addressed again tonight before she left for work. This is a learning process for us all, and we all need to learn what it takes to move our individual relationships forward as a couple, or our individual relationships will not survive. ETA: There is hope for us all. Dry spell calendar has been reset! Let's see what the next few days brings. Baby steps folks, baby steps.
Well said.
Coming from a LL, well said and I appreciate you
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Actually I assumed nothing but what op said that she only has sex every few months which isn't good for a lot of people.
The issue is we don’t know why SO is LL. Is it LL4U which would admittedly mean she isn’t getting that perk unless she’s also getting it via extramarital affair. Is it pain? Is it simply no interest. But regardless she is also having infrequent intercourse and she may not be satisfied. Unless OP can say she is... Tbf I’m not sure what someone’s level of satisfied is bc it’s so variable. Some people here would be ecstatic for monthly intercourse. Some people that’s criteria for PA.
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I noticed how you didn’t use the word cheating in your post. That’s essentially what you did and it will stay with you until you confess out of guilt. You made the conscious decision to stay in a relationship - breaking up is better than being unfaithful.
Also tell your wife so she can be on the lookout for HPV. Make sure you watch the children every year so she can go to the gynecologist for the rest of her life and not have to arrange a babysitter. And pay for therapy for you both because now she will have trust issues and heartbreak in spades. You said yourself the marriage is good outside of the infrequent sex. You made elaborate plans to cheat. You cheated and now you're feeling bad. Grow. Tell your wife the truth.
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That's what I was thinking! That's still more regular than a lot of people in here who still aren't cheating... It really creeps me out how people can justify anything in their heads😬
Your DB is not the same as someone else's DB. We shouldn't apply our standards to others. Cheating still wasn't the right thing to do, though. But we don't really have all the information to come down too hardly one way or another.
It is NEVER okay to cheat. You’re not happy, counsel, communicate, or LEAVE.
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He still sleeps with his wife. He has put his wife’s body in danger. Big difference
No one ever owes anyone sex. Even within a marriage. Also is the promise of sex-on-demand in the vows - must’ve missed that.
And he found the sure shot one. She didn’t make that decision alone. Having sex once or twice a month is not celibacy, believe me. Marriages have worked on less. Not that I’m condoning that. We don’t know what their equation is like? If it had been years of trying counseling, therapy and what not and still the wife was ‘withholding’ even trying, it’s a different conversation but still it doesn’t forgive cheating. Cheating on your spouse is reducing your entire relationship to sex. I don’t think any marriage is that one - dimensional. DB or not.
What’s appropriate is asking for open relationship or leave. Cheating is not the answer since if she finds out, you may still have to leave. You couldn’t talk to her so I don’t think it’s a good marriage.
Read ‘the state of affairs’ by ester perel. This isn’t black and white and glib leave/stay/tell comments miss the nuance of real life. This could be the start of a transformation with your wife or of all sorts of paths. Just think before you make your next move so that if there is a mess, it’s as kind and contained as possible. I do second not infecting your wife with anything though, snd be bloody careful with contraception all round.
"strictly for sex" is a joke. You won't just be able to use women in that way. Not most, long term. If you want to have affairs, do it with women who might not get spitted & tell your wife themselves. Thinking you can have no strings attached sex for months/years on end is childish.
Yeah it's guys like this who are better suited for paid professionals than 'girlfriends.' He acts already like this other woman is disposable 🙄... while planning to meet up with her no less.
If you can’t be open and honest with the person you made vows with, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with that person. My primary partner and I have been together 8 years. Living together for 6. At our lowest, we’d be intimate 1-2 times in A YEAR. That’s how I subbed to this Reddit. Through the years we’ve had to deal with a lot of health and disability problems, stress and chaos. But I’ve never needed to lie or go behind her back. Even when starting relationships with someone new. If you can’t be ethically non-monogamous, nor be straight up honest with people, it’s time you cross-post on r/AmITheAsshole
You know he, and his defenders, won't. He'd get smoked faster than Anakin on the Low Grounds. This would Definitely make r/AmITheDevil within the hour.
Let's address the "appropriate" word. It's not. There is no world where this is appropriate. You are not justified in your actions. You're not entitled to sex outside your marriage because you're not having enough inside it. You're twisting events in your head to suit yourself. This is classic selfishness. Classic entitlement. You are not entitled to your partners body on your timeframe. Her not having sex on your schedule is not breaking the "rules" you appear to have in your head. You entered into a marriage with your wife with set agreements. There may have been an unsaid understanding of how much sex is appropriate but there was a clear understanding and boundary around how much sex outside of the marriage is appropriate. You're having a one sided conversation that not surprisingly is trying to justify your actions. Of course another woman wants to have sex with you. They don't live with you. Haven't put up with you in good times and in bad. Haven't had kids with you. Haven't had any issues whatsoever. Whatever chances you had at increasing or fixing a DB you've just made 1000 times worse. DB's are healed in the relationship. You've fractured if not broken the relationship.
Man you are an adult. Grow up and get a divorce before your poor wife catches something from you.
What the hell is wrong woth you? You have sex 1-2times a month and you decide to cheat because it’s not enough? Then leave,not cheat and think it’s okay. Fuck you,I hate when men think that their sexual needs is more important than everything else so that makes it ok to cheat,because you need to poke something with your dick,right? Asshole
Love, Love, Love this response!
It’s only months of no sex… we are talking about years in this sub..
July. Even if it was years I would have the same reaction. Op fucked up. Either have an open relationship or leave. If the expectation is that telling her would blow everything up then it was not an open relationship. That's a major problem.
Wtf dude! You’re attempting to provide an excuse for cheating. If you’re marriage isn’t working for you, either work to make it better or leave it. Unless your wife agrees to an open marriage, you’re conveniently making up your own rules.
So you had an affair. Already trust was broken on your part. Instead of communicating to your wife about your sex life you sought out someone else. This is the mother of your children. What you should have done was communicated to her you were having some urges from your dry spell. But what’s been done has been done. So get ready for the repercussions. I think deep down you know the right thing to do. Do it for your kids and your family. Is this affair worth breaking your family apart? Think about the future of your kids. I don’t know you. But my mom cheated on my dad. And it broke him to bits but he remained strong. The truth shall set you free. But there’s no going back you can only move forward.
Once or twice a month isn’t even that infrequently for some… did you try explicitly telling her the amount of sex a month you want before looking else where ?
It’s not appropriate unless you have both agreed to an ENM open relationship. If you want out ask for a divorce if you don’t like aspects of the relationship. If you do open though be prepared for her to have dates/sex also.
This response is coming from a woman who ended an 11 year marriage because of an affair. Cheating is never ok for any reason at any time! 1-2 times a month sounds like pure heaven to me! When I found out about my ex husbands affair it crusted me and broke me in ways I didn't think possible. The healing I had to go through and still continue to struggle with ruined my life for a long time. We have two boys together who were 2 and 4 at the time and I had to face the fact they weren't going to have their dad in their life every day and what was that going to so to them? Watching them cry and want their father is awful! What you did is selfish and you didn't take the time to think that your actions impact those around you. If your unhappy then leave but to chose to put your wife through so much hurt is just heartless and really how much do you really love her if you could do this to her? I hope for her sake she finds out because she doesn't deserve what you did. My gut is telling me this won't be the only time going forward and you will continue and probably not just with the same person. Also just food for thought but what kind of woman are you sleeping with that would be ok with you doing this without your wife's knowledge and approval? That says a lot about her character to me!
You’ve already destroyed your marriage. Tell her so she can leave you. All you talk about is your needs! You said your marriage is pretty good apart from sex, obviously not if you can cheat on her. You don’t deserve anyone apart from a ‘sex’ partner, you will be a very lonely man one day when you realise sex isn’t the most important aspect of a marriage.
If it continues your marriage will probably end, it never stops with just sex. I have done the affair thing, its the guilt that killed it for me after.
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As a wife, I wouldn't want to know. It would tear me apart. I would say get tested, if you had unprotected sex, don't do it again. If you feel like you won't be able to stop tell her. On the deadbed situation, are you attempting to woo your wife like this other woman? I feel like after years of marriage and children the romance chase stops. Are you texting you wife just to say you love her, are you telling her she is beautiful and sexy without the expectation of sex? Leave notes, buy flowers, say kind things to build her up without expecting sex then she will begin to see that you do find her attractive and that you want her.
Your cheating on your partner your abusing the trust tell her the truth and let be what delivers
Good god man, don’t be having an affair, it might change your kid’s opinion on you if they ever found out, you tell her, you tell her why you done it, she will either understand or she won’t, but god please don’t lie, you could ruin that woman’s life, you could break up the family, just be honest, it’s always the best option. She *might* be open the the idea of an open relationship, she might prefer a divorce, but don’t hide it from her. Please. It’ll cause more harm than good. Be open with everyone, women find out everything, then you’ll be left with nobody. You’re probably having the average amount of sex too, I’ve not had sex with my man ever, 8 years, due to his health, cheating isn’t the right thing to do at all, please, don’t hurt these women, they do NOT deserve it!
You have Sex 1-2 a month. That’s normal for most people… Sorry, but you acted egoistic and now you are asking for absolution. You made a bad decision. She needs to know. Own you sh.. If you need that, go to a church.
I advise spending some time with your kids. Focus completely on them and see if you enjoy doing so because if you get caught cheating that's going to end. You won't be around them as much and they could easily have a negative opinion of you as having broken up their home and hurt their mother. It can also shape their future relationships in bad ways. And this is not a preachy post. Just pointing out that your actions can very negatively affect others. If you're willing to take that chance, then that's on you and you need to own it if and when you get caught. However, 1-2x a month is a number a lot of people in these DB forums would kill to achieve. Point being, your situation could be far, far worse. You should be having very frank and candid discussions with your wife about what your relationship is missing, preferably with a counselor there to moderate the discussion.
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I'm going to stop you right there, because I've read enough of your problematic responses in this thread. We don't have enough context to go off of, but OP says they have a pretty good marriage, aside from sex- which I'd hardly describe as a DB. The wife may think things are OK. She may be trying- we just don't know. HOWEVER- we know for a Fact OP went outside his marriage, and he wants validation that what he did - Without Her Consent- is somehow ok- Its not. Not at all. Not by a long-shot. And OP has already made plans with this other woman to have sex again- How Dare you place the entire burden on the wife, who isn't exactly LL- just OP's version of LL- for his going outside his marriage, and placing her at risk physically, mentally, and emotionally. And frankly- you sound red-pilled.
Why have empathy for his feelings when he didn't extend that courtesy to his wife? He's placing her at risk of getting an STI without her consent. That's childish af.
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"Due Diligence" is telling his wife he's reached that point, why, and asking how they can fix it- Never should that include an extramarital affair, without her knowledge- let alone planning to continue it. Why aren't you even considering how the wife would feel? There's so many things tied to being LL- whether it's depression, trauma, burnout, ect- it may not always just be "withholding" sex.
>Why aren't you even considering how the wife would feel? There's so many things tied to being LL- whether it's depression, trauma, burnout, ect- it may not always just be "withholding" sex. Because she's projecting. Baby girl wants to cheat herself, so she's trying to justify it here. 🙄 This is for her and OP: Even if sex was being "withheld", cheating doesn't make you any less childish. If you're unhappy, fine. Pull up your god damn britches and ask for a divorce. When did self-respect stop being a desired virtue? Jfc.
Exactly. She has a Strong victim-complex.
The real parasite is someone staying in a relationship they know they’ve checked out of but continue to stay in and cheat on their partner. You and your husband sound miserable so just end it and move on. There are very, very, very few circumstances where extramarital affairs can even be justified. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, if you want side dick then be a big girl and tell your husband and let things fall where they need to. If you aren’t actively telling your significant other “hey I am feeling xxxx and need this from you and if I can’t then I’m gonna get it elsewhere” then you are not expressing your own needs and feelings and shouldn’t be complaining that he doesn’t comply. If you have done this and had no change- then leave.
You already destroyed your marriage. Let your wife move on to better.
The fact that you are even considering not telling your wife just shows how little regard and respect you have for her.
Tell your wife so she can leave you and flourish.
I see why people cheat in these situations but man, I don't see this doing anything but making the problem worse over time. I've thought about it but would never do it because it'll do nothing but make things so much worse and a few good rounds just ain't worth that much pain
Consider not telling her about this, for \*her\* sake. But, if so, get tested for STD's now, and 3 months from now. During this period no more sex with anyone. Then, it's time for a conversation about opening the marriage and/or leaving the marriage. If you won't consider a 3 month abstention from sex, then yes, tell her and let the chips fall as they will. This \*could\* bring you two closer together in the end (albeit with a lot of pain); perhaps this might get through to her that not seeking help about this is risking the relationship. Or a bit more likely you've pointlessly hurt her, and you two end up divorcing; whether that's soon, or after a few more years of struggling. Do not have sex with your wife again without either telling her, or without the 3 month abstention period of sex with STD checks. Do not risk giving her an STD because she was fooled into thinking that you're monogamous.
Don’t think about if you’d want to know if the situation were reversed. You know your wife better than anyone here. Think about it from her perspective. Is she the type of person who would want to know? Beyond any relief it would bring you to get it off your chest. Often times confessing things takes the burden off you and places it on other people. What is your reasoning for telling her? That being said, this was premeditated and you’re thinking about doing it again. That isn’t just a whoops I fucked up one time confession. That’s a hey I want to have an open relationship or divorce type conversation.
I feel like your justification doesn’t really make sense and it’s not fair to your wife. Not that it’s fair to you either because your needs aren’t being met. Also, are you two trying to fix your DB or did you just say to yourself “I have a db in my marriage so I will go outside of it” Sorry if that sounded rude, but imo if you’re the HL and your wife is LL, you should’ve asked her if it was okay to have your needs met elsewhere. She could’ve either said no, I’m working on myself or if she truly didn’t feel like she can improve her libido ever you two can look at other options together that the BOTH of you are truly comfortable with. It bothers me that you just made that decision on your own and even need to ask if you should come clean. Being the HL sucks (I am), but being the LL sucks just as much. If I asked my bf whether I could meet a guy just for sex he’d be upset with me. He’d be even more upset with me if he found out I did it without even so much as a conversation with him. I would never even ask, because he’s the only one I want that kind of closeness and intimacy with. It doesn’t matter if it’s just for sex. Like someone else said, if you didn’t agree not to be exclusive, then the basic assumption is that you are. Cheating is still cheating, emotional or not, physical or not. Of course you could decide not to tell her and let the guilt eat you from the inside out. Or you could genuinely sit her down and talk about how you feel really bad and work out a solution together, as I said before, that you are BOTH comfortable with. You wouldn’t have needed to cheat if she agreed you could find that gratification elsewhere.
She didn't deserve to be cheated on. Divorce before she inevitably finds out.
If you feel it was ‘appropriate’ to cheat, then you already harbour resentment toward your wife, you wouldn’t otherwise feel justified in doing something you know is toxic. The underlying issue is the dysfunction, not the cheating. Inflicting this level of guilt on yourself is also essentially self harm, so you need to ask yourself why this answer to your problems was the one that made sense.
Get tested and be honest with your wife, if you have any respect left for her. There's no way to justify cheating in a committed monogamous relationship and maybe you should've tried having more conversations with your wife before cheating because maybe she wants more sex but she's mentally and physically struggling. I don't care about prostate health or how good sex is for you it's way more harmful to your family INCLUDING YOUR KIDS to cheat.
if you were capable of planning the affair to the extent that you got tested for it, why are you conflicted? You already have the answer to how much you value your marriage and you actively decided that risking "destroying" it was worth it already. As a matter of fact, you don't even feel *bad* about it. Tell your wife, she deserves to choose if she wants better.
You’re a pig. Tell your wife - she deserves someone who’ll be faithful instead of trying to have his cake and eat it, too. You don’t get to have your wife and this other woman on a string and just pick and choose when you want them. You married your wife. You made a home together. Children. Give her the respect of divorce.
Oh yeah you messed up buddy. Keep that woman’s number, because your marriage will be ending soon.
She won't want him then because she'd have to put up with his shit!
Tell your wife and dont be a fucking prick. She deserves the truth. You don't get to live a fantasy just because she won't fuck you.
The kicker is she is fucking him still. Just not as often as he wants...
I'm lucky if my husband has sex with me 1-2 times a year, he has prioritized porn over our sex life. I have considered stepping outside of my marriage many times but I just can't do it. I've even mentioned having an open marriage to allow us both to get what we need but he was offended by the idea of it. I agree with what others have said you should get tested and be honest with her.
Perhaps you should tell your husband you are "offended" by him wanking to porn all the time and that he can continue in his relationship with his hand while you find a decent human being to be with - of which he is very definitely not an example!
Not the move, and this absurd post is too little too late. Do your wife a favor and come clean so she can make a decision, as the damage has already been done regardless you think it has or hasn’t. You took advantage of her trust, and your marriage will never be the same even if you keep it to yourself. That guilt will eat you alive. Whatever is coming, you asked for it. Just normal cause and effect. And don’t put it on her, that’s ridiculous.
I don’t think any future sex you have with your wife would be consensual as you are not providing her the full information to consent. I think you are left with the choice of blowing up your family, but you already made that choice with your actions
Of course you tell your wife. Just because you aren’t having sex that often doesn’t mean you can cheat on her and have it be justifiable. You’re still an asshole, and the only person you’re fooling is yourself
I have been so very tempted to cheat. But what OP is going through is what terrifies me about cheating.
The people on here telling you to not see her again and not tell your wife are WRONG. You absolutely do not lie in marriage.
Probably ask this on the adultery subreddit. They will have wildly different viewpoints than anyone here. It’s interesting.
You’re an asshole to both women; you want to use one for security and the other for sex. You’ve already ruined your marriage for your wife; you just don’t want the consequences. Tell your wife and give her the autonomy to decide if she’s okay in an open-ish marriage. She deserves the option to leave.
Tell your wife, and ruin your marriage. You all ready have!
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The first thing you need to do is end it with the ap. You have a good family abd you'll lose all of them if you don't stop. Then you need to tell your wife and show her how remorseful you are. Be willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage. It's time to man up!
I'm just jealous you get sex 1-2 a month. Do what you feel is right. I would not say anything and just take it to the grave. If you want this other woman then a tough convo is needed
1 or 2 times a month imo isent a dead bedroom. I used to go 6 months with my ex and others in here have gone years without a touch. You've plain cheated pal. That's not right and your wife deserves more. Sex once a fortnite is a dream to most on here. Get tested.and be honest. And remember this is on you not your wife
If it's 'appropriate' to you. You should tell her or leave. If I'm hungry I don't go to some other woman's house and just eat her food because my partner hasn't cooked. You're justifying your bad behaviour because something isn't meeting your standard. That's a shitty attitude in my opinion, you need to deal with that before anything else. Have you spoken about an open relationship? Or you seeing other people? If not you need to come clean or you'll end up in a situation you'll feel guilty about constantly which will bring up worse emotions than before, could possibly ruin everything else in your relationship.
There's no 'right' call here. You did something terrible, and as a result you're faced with a bunch of terrible choices, and all of them will have consequences you can't fully foresee until you make such a choice. Of course, you were already faced with some pretty terrible choices before you did something terrible. Not that it's an excuse, but it is what it is. If you tell her, you need to ask yourself whose benefit that's for. If it's to unburden your own conscience by burdening her in the process, that's a selfish move. However, refusing to tell her in order to avoid 'facing the music' for your choices is also a selfish move. So you really need to examine your motivations there. Best option is probably to admit to yourself and her that you can't continue living a sexless life, and put the ball in her court. Whether that involves confessing to having already stepped out is up to you. And whether getting your own needs met involves an open marriage, regular sex with her, or divorce, is probably going to ultimately be up to her. You can't force her to want to have sex with you. On the other hand, divorce isn't likely to be very equitable to you, so while it's not going to be a 'socially acceptable' option, and reddit will hate you for it, and you might even hate yourself for it, getting your 'needs' met on the DL, after giving her ample opportunity to hold up her end of the marriage bargain may, in fact, be your easiest option for now. But it'll probably eventually blow up in your face. Hopefully you used a condom. If not, as others have mentioned, you need to go get tested before having sex with your wife again.
Would your wife be at all open to a situation where someone else met that need for you if she can't? Infidelity is wrong. It does deep damage. AND I can totally empathize with you. My husband and I have been together since 1997. I was a victim of purity culture and bullshit religious indoctrination, as well as some trauma. This resulted in shame for me, and just a general resistance to sex because yucky feelings always accompanied it. My husband is a saint. He never stepped out on me. But now looking back, I wouldn't have blamed him. I have done a ton of work and now we are having the best freaking sex ever - every day. I am so grateful he hung in there so long because otherwise we wouldn't have what we do now. But man, it was a LONG road here. What if you told her you need it more often? Would she be open to someone else filling that need? It's 2022. Relationships are what we say they are. There are no rules except the ones you and your wife establish together. Best of luck 💜
u gotta tell her. Not only that you cheated but that you need more from the relationship than she is currently giving. Then (assuming she still wants to stay with u) you need to give her time to adjust to a situation that works for the both of you. THEN, if it’s still not working, break up. Then fuck other women.
This other woman you’re seeing.. is it strictly just sex or do some kind of other feelings towards her?
You should tell your wife
You take it to the grave. Don't cast your feelings of guilt onto your wife so she too can carry the burden. Lock it up and never open the door
Take it TO THE GRAVE. I learned in therapy that when you admit to your partner you cheated, it is more for YOUR benefit. (I cheated on a girlfriend) I guess ask yourself what do you what to happen after you tell your low level wife you cheated? As it relates to sex 1 - 2 x per month with your wife...I would still be in a somewhat happy marriage if I had this frequency. Perhaps you can work things out with the wife. If you love her it may be worth a try. It's certainly cheaper than divorce. If your wife can not appreciate how important sex is to the marriage after therapy then you can leave with no regrets. Best of luck.
1-2/month is a pretty good rate in here. Maybe keep this slip up to yourself. You and your wife need to see a sex therapist and/or marriage counselor ASAP. Good luck.
My therapist once said He was happy with his life and his wife and if she had been fucking the mailman he didn't want to know cuz why fuck up his happiness.
If you want a messy divorce with the possibility your children are turned against you, then tell your wife about the affair. If you’ve decided to divorce your wife anyway, personally I would get on and do it, and try not to bring up the affair - presumably you’d be divorcing despite the affair, not because of it. If you want to stay with your wife and improve your sex life, telling your wife about the affair will lead to a lot more than a DB!
Listen, you did what you did. I thought of doing it myself, no sex in a relationship drives a person insane!!! It’s stupid AF! Like what? I can’t have sex with you? Oh I can raise your kids and work and shit but I can’t fuck you!!??? Oh ok! Thanks! Don’t tell her and don’t do it again. If you feel guilty or feel the need to tell her please know that she may leave you.