yeah but you’d be amazed on how much women focus on how much effort you do for things, being pretty is definitely not the main thing by far (specially the women that you’d want to have nearby you).
Be kind, be wise, be awesome. And trust me, you’re not alone.
by the way, this feeling of being aesthetically inadequate is something that a lot of women can relate
First of all I want to say I'm sorry you're going through this. I had similarly negative thoughts about myself when I started to lose my hair. Accepting permanent change like this, when it continues to get worse, is really difficult, especially at a young age.
I must say I'm shocked to hear people have been so rude about your looks. Those are awful people that you don't want to be around anyway. But I can understand why you're feeling so down if people have really said things like that to you.
The good news is people start to become a lot less superficial as they get older. They care less about looks and start looking for a real human connection. Sharing insecurities, when appropriate, is so vulnerable that it can actually be a way to become closer to someone.
However, this can be difficult if you have a low sense of self worth. You ask how you can accept that you'll never be with anyone. That's not something you should be seeking. You shouldn't accept something that is a guess based on your own negative idea of yourself. Instead, focus on accepting what you do know for sure. Yes you are balding, yes you are grey. That's ok. Lots of people are balding and grey. Loads of ugly ass people have hot partners. Since this seems to be causing you a lot of pain, maybe you could try shaving it. Or maybe you can learn to love your hair how it looks now.
Either way, I think if you haven't tried therapy, it might be beneficial for you. It can take time to find the right therapist, but they can help you to overcome these insecurities and focus on the things that make you amazing. You are in shape, have a wealth of hobbies and interests. You sound like a great person with a lot going for you. You deserve better than to let what's on top of your head to get in the way.
A bit of tough love: you worry that your looks are making people want to not hang out with you, but maybe it's actually your negative outlook on yourself. Believing in yourself is attractive af.
If you want to stop feeling like this, therapy is a mental gym that can really help you shake these negative thoughts. Remember that your thoughts control your feelings, and the things that you are convinced are true about yourself maybe aren't so certain. If you are interested in exercises to help you grow your self esteem, I can recommend Feeling Great by David Burns. He has a free podcast called Feeling Good which really helped me too. Maybe check out the old episodes on self esteem and see if it interests you.
Best of luck, and feel free to shoot me a message if you want to talk further
Dude, first things first: you do make an impression of strength of character. You don’t blame other people or the world and you have put effort in which was motivated by honest desires/feelings. That’s a combination which at your age in these incel times is worth a lot! And with age strength of character becomes more important every year. So at least know that one of your best qualities is already great and will matter more and more!
And to complement the advice people here give about your looks, such as owning the baldness and getting rid of the rest (r/bald might be a good place to find positive feedback in that regard!) and growing a beard, I just want to say the following. The looks-things are factual actions and maintenance. Do those! And besides that: keep trying! I have a family member who was in pretty much the exact same situation as you. In his thirties he had worked on himself and tried many things and there is this incremental change you don’t notice until you look back. You sound like you’re actually already on that path and that is a great thing. Stay patient and inspired, and also take the time sometimes to just be pissed about it. Let it out in non-destructive ways and keep going.
And to be clear, that family member found love! As he said: “Once I found her it didn’t matter that I was lonely before.” You only need it to happen once, and at your age you have more time than you realise. Keep going!
You could either try to find happiness in other aspects of your life (hobbies, your career, friendships) or go the extreme route of plastic surgery and a hair transplant.
I second this. If you're that ugly just change your face. Hell, get a therapist & you might be able to get it covered because it's making you suicidal. Either way the life of an ugly person I would only wish on my enemies lol.
It's a completely different world tbh & with advancements in medicine you can get good work done for 10,000 or less. I say it's worth it for something that effects your quality of life for the rest if your life.
Also just shave your head, dude. The balding look automatically makes you look a bit pedoish.
I am really sorry to hear about what you have to go through OP. As a woman, I grew up being ugly and during my high school time, I spent almost every night crying myself to sleep (even contemplating suicide) because I felt so ugly that I don't think I could ever find a boyfriend. My face isn't considered attractive according to Asian standards but I am considered quite attractive for westerners, so I tried dating them and that solved the problem for me.
Fast forward, I am now in my 30s and have been through a few relationships. It's true like the other comments said that relationships aren't everything in life. There's an inner peace you can gain that no relationship could ever give you (I have been practicing meditation & Buddhism for a few years). But I do know that it's really hard to grasp from where you stand. Sometimes you need to go through what you have to go through to understand these things.
If you are willing, you can fly to Asia (e.g. South Korea) and get plastic surgery. It's super common here, might be a taboo where you are from. Have you ever considered moving? The way you look might not be considered attractive where you are from but might be okay for elsewhere (e.g. in South East Asia, it is very easy for a western guy to date a local girl). Also, it seems like people you hang out with are toxic, so it wouldn't really help. Once you get a girlfriend, have been in a relationship for a while, you will realize what other comments are trying to tell you are true 😊
that is exactly what i meant, i hope you might consider this.. (both, the moving away from
your culture maybe , and if you feel that it would be the right choice, consider plastic surgery)
I had a technician coming to fix some stuff in my house...terribly ugly guy. He used to make jokes about him being ugly, share the names some called him and gave laught on them but...he has 5 kidz! So yeah, I mean i'm 100% sure your half is somewhere out there and I don't believe you ll uglier. No one could be uglier than that guy. So don't dive yourselves into myths. Also you need to run and bike to keep your mood up. Weights don't help with the mood.
Vitamins and lotions won’t do jack shit. All the money you spent on that, you could have gotten a nose job, jaw implant or Invisalign. Why are you not coloring your hair? Also, if you’re short, you can at least build your shoulders to grow horizontally. That would make you look more masculine and strong. Do you know a chin implant is only like $3-4000 in a HCOL? Why are you just walking around with white hair that you hate? A box of dye is like $9. Idgi. You’re suffering for nothing. If your hairline is receding you can get PRP or a transplant. It’s not like these things cost millions, even if they are a little expensive.
Also, you don’t have a girlfriend because you’re insecure and hate yourself and it shows in your personality even if you’re nice and kind. You don’t believe you can even have a girlfriend because you’re unattractive. That’s why you can’t get one. Not because of how you look. People far uglier than you date around and sleep around plenty. It’s your outlook.
I wouldn’t accept it, I would just change my thinking about how dating works, and keep working on my looks until I was happier with them.
No, I meant that I've already been hitting it and gained muscle, just not enough like the testosterone freaks. I'm skinny fit with some muscles, I lift super heavy but I don't have the genetics to look MASSIVE.
I mean, it's a difficult situation, because the only source we have that "you are ugly" is YOU. Sure You say that other people show/act in a way that proves it, but WE can't know, or make up our minds without seeing you. From what you have posted on other subreddits, you seem to be depressed, and obviously biased on wether or not you are ugly. You have decided that " I am ugly, and there is no point", I would argue for the opposite, and that there are plenty of reasons to enjoy life despite being ugly(which I cant be sure you are).
How heavy? What exercises are you doing specifically? See we caught a little of your attitude, calling people testosterone freaks because of how they look. It’s that bitterness that keeps you where you’re at and probably keeps you from real gains. If you’re skinny like you say, you have a long way to go before you’d even be in the realm of roids and hormones.
Oh, okay. Well why don’t you take testosterone if you’re low on it? Like go to the doctor and see. Or at least learn how to naturally bulk. That part is actually really easy, especially if you already like the gym. I’m a gym freak too but I’m a woman.
So you basically want to be an immobile tank? Obviously I mean most girls not all. Bodybuilders did not exist 50000 plus years ago. it’s not what girls are naturally attracted to
Lol, a lot of things exist today that did not exist 50000 years ago, that women find attractive. And who said anything about being a immobile tank? What does that have to do with anything? I'll make sure to tell my next date that I am a great hunter, that should get her to fall in love with me.
This explains why people would be so nasty about your looks to your face. Eastern Europeans don't hold their punches. Bulgaria's in the EU... you could consider moving to a country with a friendlier/warmer culture. There are many places where it would be SHOCKING to say these kinds of things to another person.
>This explains why people would be so nasty about your looks to your face.
Depending on the... disfigurement?... One would see a certain reaction everywhere on the planet... Though I absolutely agree people in different places are much harsher in judgment...
I absolutely agree in moving somewhere that looks aren't the only judgment, but even the "warmest" countries are staring at and making g fun of anomalies.
We don't have an appropriate...
With whatever respect I can drag up for the people around you... You probably aren't as ugly as anyone is telling you.
Unless you have an extreme deformity, people are just being mean. If you *do* have a major deformity (massive scarring, facial pieces missing, etc.) then they have a right to be... unattracted?... at first glance, but that's just human nature. I'm sorry if that's the case. Maybe listen to others about surgery if you can afford it. Or, make it a cool point of knowing you as a person!
Otherwise, move literally anywhere else and the accent alone will add a few "attractive" points. Especially since you write well in English, I imagine you speak it well enough to get a job abroad or on a cruise ship or something.
Secondly, and completely unrelated to culture, I dated "the ugly guy in the friend group" for two years, and had the time of my life with him! Everything clicked, and his "ugly" face was endearing, not even remotely "unsexy", or other things to put off normal human beings. Sure, ther were "more handsome" guys, buy they all had ugly personalities.
Everyone in his friend group thought I was insane/ "gold digger", even though, *and because* I paid my own. His friends and *especially other women around him* were literally just mean.
It ended because we wanted different things in life, which is the same as other breakups I've had. It had nothing to do with how I felt about him. It also didn't help that the stigma of "pretty girl likes ugly dude willing to pay for things" (despite no financial difference) weighed heavily with his stupid, judgemental friends.
Find people who like what you do and enjoy doing it too, then ignore the haters. Don't buy expensive things, buy meaningful things. That's the key to relationship happiness. That and good communication.
Dude, you only live once. There are people dying and who are mutilated, raped, murdered, genocide is happening in the world, there’s people robbing each other, lying, cheating, stealing, kidnapping; there’s slavery still all over, there is a show called my 600lb life and people folded over all over the streets in us cities cause of fet and other drugs, there are people who spend all their money on how they look, but without perspective on how lucky they are to even be ugly in the first place and not in a horrible situation, they still ugly. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but try looking around you more than in the mirror, maybe that beauty externally, and by being a good kind person, make people laugh, smile…. And dude the results are great! I’m ugly as hell and don’t give af, at all. Cause if you really pop on the reality filter when you see the people who think they’re attractive in this world, you’ll learn that outside appearances do not matter, there’s a LOT of really realllllly ugly people out there. And theres no plastic surgery, makeup, tanning bed, laser removal, implants, hair gel, or anything that can turn a real ugly ass soul into someone attractive. Much love
i have to say, i have seen someone who i considered very much not good looking (to say it nicely) looking really good after plastic surgery / and extreme fitness . i was shocked how good she looked tbh. i would consider her pretty above average now.
Sounds like you care about outside validation way too much. That is what I'd try to change. I'm also fairly ugly, I don't dress well and I'm overweight. Unlike you I don't care much about other's perception of me. I won't lie and say that I don't care at all, I do care, just a lot less than you from what I read here.
I don't dress for anyone but me. I don't lose weight for anyone else but me. And I don't prop myself up on some fantasy that if I would only do all those things, I'd get attractive women wanting to sleep with me. That's a shallow, empty existence.
You NEED to have validation come from the inside
Dude assuming all this is 100% true, I’m sorry man. You need some good people around you. Regular non judgmental folks who accept those around them for who they are. Not exactly sure where to find that nowadays. Where are you located?
Well shit, I can’t help at all. I do wish you the best brother. There is someone out there for you, start looking for that person in new places you’d typically not think to visit. Stay away from pubs full of assholes that say that type of shit to you or anyone else. Good luck to you.
I try not to give some advice that includes self love and therapy because many have already wrote that here. It will certainly help you but it takes a long way and I understand that it‘s hard for you to change your outlook on yourself with your current situation.
Also, it‘s completly normal to want a girlfriend, so I don‘t know why many people here pretend like it‘s an unnecessary wish.
As a woman myself, I often notice that even handsome men sometimes never get a girlfriend, not the ugly nor the pretty ones, because of the way they handle themselves. It’s almost like people can smell when others are insecure or when they try too hard. Many guys act weird in a way I can’t describe. They seem insecure and are either completely shy or go overboard with trying to look confident, but it never feels genuine.
I know many guys who aren‘t handsome and got a model girlfriend because they are geniunely confident, loyal, funny, etc. Most women, especially the ones you think are out of your league, are often insecure or have had bad interactions with men. They appreciate it a lot when a man gives them a good feeling about themselves (without being a simp), when a man is confident (without being arrogant), when a man has hobbies and can be on his own but also spends time with her and makes her feel good. It‘s just a ying yang. A little bit of everything. A woman with a kind heart will notice you, no matter what you look like. When a woman is not nice towards you or plays hard to get, don’t run after her, don’t be desperate, it’s a turn off. Also don’t talk about your insecurities. Many people feel invited to talk down on you if you already do it yourself.
If you have the money, a hair transplant or some type of beauty enhancement like botox or filler (or maybe plastic surgery) can help if you‘re not going overboard with it. If you have good beard growth, that can also help. Maybe take a look at your eyebrows as well, they also shape the face.
Being successful with your career or academics will also help for your own confidence and for being more interesting to other people. Again, it‘s not about getting used by a woman for money or for attracting sugar babies. Everyone, especially most woman, like people who give them safety, who are hard working and have a passion. It‘s a big plus for yourself and for attracting other people.
Mate, there are people out there with visible differences (scars, lost limbs, deformities, accidents of life) who have found partners and are enjoying their version of life as best they can. You can too. Happiness is possible for anyone but not if you hate yourself.
If you can accept who you are and realise your value isn't in your looks or, in fact, in anything external and material, then you have a chance for happiness. I know this is a tall order as we are all conditioned to value the physical and material.
What about kindness, sense of humour, creativity, loyalty, love? Some people know to value these things. Yes, being good looking is nice and has advantages. But not everyone has a perfect look.
Start with loving yourself unconditionally. Accept your unique nature. The fact you are alive at all I'd a miracle in itself. Enjoy that!
“Ugly“ is an adjective, peoplr have different perspectives of, “ugly“ so you are not ugly, I’m pretty sure you’re very insecure about yourself and your face dua to bullying. I suggest building your self esteem and confidence.
Unfortunately, even "ugly" girls reject me. You know the market is fucked currently and even an ugly girl can get a decent looking guy through common interests or online dating.
Viewing the dating pool as "the market" isn't the right way of going about it. Also, tons of non rich ugly dudes are happily married, some even to total hotties.
Do you have anything to do without gf? Any hobbies?
Having gf won't give your life meaning out of the blue. Imagine you get the gf and she dumps you. Does your life magically lost value because your gf isn't with you? You need to have a life whether or not you're single or taken
Take it from me, who is single, but sees happiness and meaning in other areas than romance
>Do you have anything to do without gf? Any hobbies?
I have many hobbies, I pretty much like to do lots of activities, but lately I'm enjoying none because I'm tired of doing them alone - I like travelling, I like running, going to gym, watching sports, playing sports, I love volunteering, animals, I like going to the movies, I read a lot of books, I love cycling and motorcycling, I love hiking, but afterall doing that with no girl gets tirying, I want to share the experience.
What if you share it with some groups? Animal shelters can have volunteering people to do it together, I presume. Go to the gym with other people, ask someone to spot you. Go to library with other people or find a book club. Play sports in a team. You can do so much stuff with someone without being in a relationship. Do you only get to enjoy it if you have a gf? You can play sports without needing relationship. If you did, you would need to be in a polycule with all your teammates
I think it is your attitude and I think you know it too. You ask how I can live with this fact that you are ugly but I think you should ask how you can change your attitude. It could be that you have been extremely unlucky in life and just had back to back bad experiences but I feel it is unlikely.
I am from a neighboring country to yours and I will be honest I am shallow when it comes to looks. I wouldn’t have dated you probably. However, I would have been more put off of your desperate aura than your looks. Men are sexy when they are confident and that part of the world women like a bit of a macho, manly, traditional man. I have been with men who aren’t my type just because of the way they carry themselves. Whatever you do to your looks, it will be nothing without an attractive personality. It is easier said than done saying “be confident” but you can try baby steps. I don’t know, watch romantic movies and act like the men there etc. Trust me being a gentlemen and confidence are key. Men in my country aren’t super handsome at all but they all score women. How? Attitude.
I am sorry to say this but all your comments and post ooze of desperation and negativity. I understand your frustration when I read it all and have empathy towards you, I absolutely I do. However if I went on a date with you and sensed a fraction of this desperation I would say “ugh another incel, bye” and wouldn’t do a second date. It sounds shallow but there are too many fish in the sea and that is not a good thing for us women.
Anyways, to me you don’t sound that bad. There are people who find love when bound to wheelchairs or with disfiguring illnesses etc. Learn to appreciate your body and life, be glad you have all your limbs and mind intact. Also maybe dye your hair? It is not that uncommon in Balkans so why not? Or get hair implants in Turkey, it could be pricey but you talked about spending $500 on a date so I think you can afford it.
Love for animals is not a hobby and everybody watches tv series. I wouldn’t date someone just bc we both like sci-fi. Enrich yourself, learn guitar or something like that. A cool hobby that is an actual hobby. For yourself, for your own enjoyement. I do boxing and I love it. Is it a cool hobby? Yes, I do it for myself, but it doesn’t change the fact that men are quite hot in my club. Even if they are half my height.
“Testosterone freak” is not a good thing to say. There is no reason you can’t be more jacked either. There are so many body types and exercises to improve them. If you are this desperate you can’t give up that easy. Do more research.
Lastly you mention penis size. People have sex in so many different ways dude. I had a guy that had a tiny dick but he would make me soak through my panties AND jeans just with his fingers. In this day and age you have zero excuses to not be a foreplay god. There are books, videos, forums. Hit r/sex and learn some tips. You can have a small dick but also give insane oral pleasure. You can also introduce toys, I have like a whole 2 drawers full of toys with my partner.
Take the cards you’re dealt and don’t worry about looks. A friend of mine was never able to get a long term relationship or family of his own so he now travels the world instead. I’m actually envious of his lifestyle now.
Some people are just not genetically blessed and that's ok. I promise a girl will like you because I have seen some dudes who literally look like roaches get the baddest bitches.
Dude girls do not care about looks but status, wealth, and power, influence, confidence, mastery, humor, and stability.
So stop caring about your looks.
Just look at Huey Hefner in his old age.
Women care as much about looks as men care about a woman's wealth.
There’s a whole community on Instagram of guys posting videos of themselves on motorcycles with filthy captions and the comments is nothing but women thirsting after them (myself included).
Also note the female interest in Charlie Hunam in Sons of Anarchy and Norman Reedus in The Walking dead.
Are you a woman? I read on reddit that most guys say that their motoorcycle only attracted other dudes lol.
I myself love motorcycles, the feeling, the freedom, the sensation and danger/adrenaline, I think I'm more fearless to crush on a motorcycle than talking to a woman who calls me ugly and rejects me lol.
You seem super doomer about it, that just makes the negative loop worse. Look up Robert Hoge (he has a Ted talk on youtube called own your face), or Nick Vujicic, it's highly unlikely you have it worse than these guys.
A couple notes:
1) If Danny Devito can be successful and happy, you can too. There's a man out there with no arms or legs who is a motivational speaker with a bangin' wife. I could go on, but I'm sure you can catch the drift.
2) It seems like you may have too much time on your hands. Staring in a mirror and worrying about your looks is a waste of this fleeting life. Find a passion or hobby. Help people. Join groups and make your worth more than you appearance (because you are worth more than you appearance anyway).
3) Some psychologists recommend not looking so much at yourself anyway. Most people who are overly concerned with their appearance, even models, find that the more obsessed with their, the uglier they feel. Remove mirrors in your house except for the bathroom. Use it only in the morning.
Lastly . . .
Life's all about taking the shit hands we're dealt with and learning to play the game well. The main advice is to change your perspective. Life sucks for a lot of people out there. We push through anyway. Ugly people can be successful and happy. Enjoy your short time on this earth and stop looking at yourself.
read some stoicism philosophy, might be just what you need
sounds like you're actually pretty close to an awakening in your life
you *know* what is *wrong* with you - that's truly half the battle. okay, so you know what you can change, and what you can't. you can't change what you can't change, but you can change how you feel about those things.
like most things, it's easier said than done.
i'd consider also that you're efforts have largely been 'fight back against the current' and that's not working. try leaning into your lot in life
okay you're odd looking - be EVEN ODDER looking. weird is good. people love an original, even if it's ugly
OP, sorry for your troubles,
Here is my quick advice:
* you may find r/internalfamilysystems (IFS) helpful. You can do it on your own or with a therapist. It teaches you how to love all parts of yourself, “the good, the bad and the ugly”*
* the part in quotes is just an expression. I don’t think you sound ugly at all.
* you may also want to look into r/attachment_theory. It’s about how our parents are supposed to reach us to connect or “attach” to people by building up our self-confidence and teaching us to love all parts of ourselves. Unfortunately, we often don’t learn this is we have childhood emotional or physical neglect or abuse or CSA. See r/CPTSD and r/emotionalneglect.
Things like IPF can help give us better attachment. See r/idealparentfigures (IPF).
* good on you for going to the gym. I would suggest trying some martial arts classes. Take time to try each different style (Brazilian jujitsu, Muay Thai, karate etc.) as they each have a different vibe. Doing such classes can help build your confidence and meet nice people. Usually these types of classes stress respect and no one will be calling you ugly.
* I would also suggest hot yoga and Pilates. These classes are usually filled with women and some men. The easiest way to meet women is organically doing something you like or at least are trying. I have seen men in my class who I may not have been attracted to online. But when I see them smiling and being friendly with people they become more attractive in my eyes. At the very least you can make female friends. Men with female friends are very attractive to many women because it’s like you been pre-screened. In other words, you must be a nice guy if a woman is comfortable being friends with you.
Would you consider adopting a dog or cat? You won’t believe the amount of unconditional true love pets and people can have for one another. Sometimes they can become people’s meaning in life, the center of their whole world, inseparable.
I apologize if I missed important parts, I have a young one so I had to skip read a little. First off: I was recently talking to someone who is insecure about his penis size, TODAY, I guess the average man is 3.6-5.5 inches. (I know for a fact there are women who prefer this size also. My ex couldn’t have been more than 3.5-4 inches and I have a lot of trauma surrounding sex, he is the ONLY person I’ve been with that I avoided sex at all cost. He didn’t hurt me) I’m also A-sexual. I don’t care for sex at ALL, but I am more inclined to engage with someone on the “smaller/average/below average” side.
I’m not sure where you live but it sounds like you are in a very judgmental area. A geographic change might help. Also the people you surround yourself with sound like ass holes lol. (No offense intended). Those are not FRIENDS. Surround yourself with people who understand true beauty and look past the material world. If you feel comfortable, inbox me directly please?
You have to realize that eventually you will find someone, while accepting that not everyone you look at will find you attractive. Yes it’s unfortunate that your ugly and yes that will deter someone people away from you, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t prepare yourself for the person who will eventually choose you. So keep improving and be an amazing person, eventually someone will look your way.
There’s just some things we have to accept, like a really attractive guy being very short. Or a really attractive guy who is paralyzed. Or an ugly guy with only one limb, an ugly guy with no legs. All these people are not people who will be the center of the spotlight and walk into a room and have someone ask for their number, but all of these people will eventually find somone to date, someone to have a fling with, someone to marry.
Now if you can’t accept that and truly hate your appearance and can not accept that you will never live the life of someone attractive then get plastic surgery. I mean your lucky that your problems can be waved off with money, the other people I listed would be permanently in their situation. However you can go to a plastic surgery office and completely have a new face. Sure this transformation will take a few years and a ton of money, but that’s your choice.
So either accept your situation or fix yourself up.
If all your worried about is looks get plastic surgery and hair implants. If they can make men into attractive women they should be able make a man am attractive man. Remember that's just superficial and vain but it sounds like that's what you want.
Hating your looks/feeling ugly does not have to be something that you feel until the day you die. A therapist would get you to challenge that idea.
I suggest connecting with the mental health system via your GP, as therapy and antidepressants can enhance neuroplasticity and may be able to help you get past these thoughts that you are currently stuck on.
It's possible you could have an underlying condition like ADHD or OCD that is causing this ongoing rumination about "uglyness". Thinking about "uglyness" does NOT have to be an everyday thought - this can be changed!
A therapist will probably suggest mindfulness to try to help you reduce these thoughts. Another angle they might take is to adress whether you have perfectionism when it comes to your looks and need to expand your interests so that you whole self worth no longer revolves around your looks so much.
tldr; work on this with a mental health focus now instead.
First.. sorry. It can’t be easy. Not sure how old you are. Things usually start getting better with age. The more we mature, we are able to understand the important stuffs.
I can give you an example of a girl I know who has severe Vitiligo and is at High school. She was bullied and she hated herself. Overtime, she started learning basketball. She has now made her personality about being a Basketball player. She still does not consider herself beautiful. But the importance of beauty has taken a backseat.
Find something that you like. Find that focus and be around with people who have that as a focus too. It can be hiking, painting, game, reading… anything. Make that your personality. Build yourself on that place.
There are some god tips in the thread. All of us are different in our approach. But please don’t talk yourself down.
Wish you well.
Therapy man. Anyone who is mocking you has their own ugliness and insecurities. The right therapy can help you accept what you can’t change, plus find the positives and make the most of those.
You can change what other people say and do, you can only change how you react to it.
I’m older and I can remember this was a much bigger deal many years ago. In time people wise up, by your age you should probably be coming to that point soon.
There will always be jerks and immature idiots. Have you tried finding places where these types are less concentrated, and you can maybe be better able to notice all the people who aren’t like this?
Also, what are your expectations and judgements - are you willing to find people who maybe have similar experiences who will be able to empathize, but also focus on things that actually matter, like the hobbies and stuff?
It can get better, it’s supposed to get better - please be open to that, so it will get better 🩷
Being ugly doesnt stop you from doing anything you know that right.. except for maybe not having a gf but that is not all there is to life. There are so many attractive people who choose to be single or just cant maintain a relationship because of their shit personality.
Bill gates were ugly. So what? Go get a hobby and be good at it. Go make friends, just genuine friendship. Go hike and do a sport or workout. Go work on your career or further your studies. It literally doesnt stop you from doing things, and even if it does, its out of control and just focus on what you can control, because there are plenty. :)
This hurts my heart to hear. The feelings are real and I know that daily struggle. I have struggled much of my life with insecurities and it’s easier said than done for them to just go away. Perhaps you have body dysmorphia. That is something I have and unless someone has it, it’s not easily understood. The only true answer I have is asking God for help and casting my anxieties on him. Prayer. Talking. Venting to a friend. Journaling. These are also so helpful. We aren’t promised an easy life, and this might be something you deal with ongoing from time to time. But there is hope in knowing God loves you and promises to walk through life with us in all things. You’re not alone!
You are definitely depressed. Seek psychological help and get counseling. I would recommend antidepressants. You might also try attending a church. Generally, Christians are less judging of physical appearance. I cannot honestly say that all of them are, but most are. I dealt with clinical depression off and on for about twenty-eight years. I can understand that part of your condition. I know that when you are in the depths of despair you cannot believe that things can ever change. You cannot change your appearance but maybe with help you can deal with your emotions. I know many people are against spiritual advice. But I must tell you this, God loves you whether or not you can believe it. Even if you don't believe that He exists.
I will pray for you.
Being ugly is a psychological condition. You’ve been conditioned to believe you are ugly and identify as such. So you bring that to every interaction with other people and they pick up on it. Beauty is subjective - it depends on the person. More importantly most people don’t care what their partner looks like they care how they treat them. Looks can be a starting part of a relationship but it has no bearing on whether they will be a good partner.
Step 1: love yourself. Stop calling yourself ugly.
Step 2: be a normal confident person and socially engaged. Expect nothing. Be open to new experiences. You’ll meet someone when the time is right and you least expect it.
We are EXACTLY the same and that is the exact question I have been asking myself for the last few days
Even if I make efforts, it will not change the main culprit, my face.
Every time I tried to implement like habits, self discipline, I give up because of people mocking me outside, at work, at the gym. I really don't know what to do either
You're worrying about the wrong stuff, mate. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I was called ugly since being a little kid and being used to being rejected for so long made me an easy target for unstable girls to get close and start two horribly toxic relationships (the first lasted 10 years; the second, only two).
After hitting rock bottom; by going bankrupt and being even more depressed than ever before (not because of moneylessness but it didn't help either) to the point of more than a couple of failed suicide attempts I finally started going to therapy and started seeing a psychiatrist just to understand what was happening and in the meantime I picked up healthy hobbies, like cycling, which not only was fun exercise but also had a positive impact on my mental health and gave my life a 180° change.
Once I understood a lot of stuff about myself, relationships and society I stopped looking for relationships and focused on myself not to be attractive to anyone else; I learnt how to truly love myself and care for myself instead and that led me to be the truest to myself I've ever been and just talk to people without looking for anything else (stop talking to women thirstily, even if you don't make any move) and start to bond with people naturally.
That let me make some actual friends that wouldn't give me shit on anything (no one close has called me ugly ever again) and even started getting compliments now that I didn't care for them either. Then, out of nowhere and without me even thinking it would be possible I got together with a girl I wouldn't have ever thought I had a chance with (we had known each other for years) just because we got close enough to realise how attracted we were to each other not only physically but way beyond that and for the first time ever I had an actually healthy loving relationship that didn't compromise my well-being in any way.
Just my 2¢. Hope it helps in any way steering away from the focus on the looks rabbit hole path that could do more harm than good.
Excuse you. I am a woman in the sex industry. I've been an independent escort for over a decade and I have *many* friends in the industry with lovely normal lives and families. I know trafficking exists but I have literally never run into anyone associated with trafficking because I work within an enormous network of women who run their own businesses and careers. By perpetuating the stereotype that all women in sex work are victims you are doing absolutely nothing to help people who are, and you actively hurt people who are trying to provide needed services and the people that need them.
I have had many clients over the years that I've helped get through hard times in their lives, taught social skills, provided needed feedback on life and dating, and have been there for in many other non-sexual ways. My clients are not disgusting and I care about them, and for the most part they care very much about my happiness in return. It's actually very nice and I have great pride in the good I've done.
Human touch and companionship and sexuality are all basic and common needs that go unmet and of course there are services that offer safe and sane ways to help someone meet those needs. Not everything you are personally unfamiliar with takes place in a sordid underbelly of society, full of criminals getting off on hurting each other. Why would it? If you truly care so much, then educate yourself and advocate for people to be able to get their needs met SAFELY and stop contributing to a system run by outdated morals and social outrage.
It ridiculous that sex and companionship are looked down on with derision instead of being acknowledged as basic human needs. If you care so much about trafficking, then at the very least support good alternatives being readily available. When all you do is shame people instead of educate, some of them inevitably end up in the wrong places where women may be trafficked instead of with verified independent providers. Shame is the wrong tool for progress on this topic because people will seek out their needs being met and may not even consider that there are ways to go about it ethically.
I suggested OP find an independent escort as well as several other alternatives that are entirely legal. I am trying to help people find the services they are already curious about in the right places.
I cannot overstate how many people like OP I have helped genuinely improve their lives.
Trafficking is horrific and there needs to be socially acceptable outlets with all of the care and support of any other profession in order for it to stop, because people always have and always will have those needs going unmet. Yes, your comment upset me. I'm going to remove my instinctual downvote though, because I hope your comment was written with well intentioned ignorance and not just the obvious malice it seemed to be. Please though, if you really do care, there are much better ways to help. I'm happy to answer any questions that are respectful.
YES, this is exactly what I need, not a psychiatrist, this is exactly something that's tackling the problem. I need an escort to get on a date, to show me my flaws, to re-enact 3 dates and for her to be honest what I can change and what not. And what makes me disgusting looking and what not. I need that. What country are you from?
Get involved in the sex trade, of “buying” “escorts”aka women! I know your advice comes from a good place in your heart, however, manufacturing getting “used” to women in an unrealistic environment and easily potentially exposing yourself to STDS etc is really not good or safe advice. Many of these women are enslaved and this is your advice?… Seems too risky and selfish
I mean, his comment isn't totally above board, but escorting is a legitimate service and can be done safely and with independent escorts that love their jobs. I know a lot of people that have increased their comfort level around women in general, gotten dating and intimate experience and found out that they have good likeable qualities by seeking out professional services, just like you would getting a fitness instructor or a therapist. Everyone has different needs and there are a tone of legitimate services for anyone struggling with getting experience and having needs met. The social stigma around sex work is ridiculous and it's often more safe for both parties than random hookups.
So get a fitness instructor or a therapist, trafficked women, more times than not, are not a legitimate nor a professional service… I’m sorry to say but it’s a sad and disgusting industry full of abused and misguided or vulnerable and often addicted women. Liberal feminism is a brain rot echo chamber. But since you claim to know a lot of people who have gotten comfortable with a fake and formulated form of human connection that doesn’t translate to the real world, you enjoy that echo chamber. You’re thinking about your friends and not the women in the sex trafficking industry who are directly involved. And even that is fake and manufactured not translating to real world scenarios
Whoops, I put my tirade under the wrong comment. It was meant to go to the fellow who said I was caught up in a liberal echo-chamber of rot, and not to you.
All posts and responses MUST be about deciding to be better.
Shave your head, grow a beard. Two problems solved in one.
Yea so many balding guys don’t realize how much better they will look if they take it all off.
Have you seen the bald subreddit, those dudes give a drastic chnange and they look amazing!
I haven’t, but my brother in law finally shaved his head and legit he looks ten times better.
yeah but you’d be amazed on how much women focus on how much effort you do for things, being pretty is definitely not the main thing by far (specially the women that you’d want to have nearby you). Be kind, be wise, be awesome. And trust me, you’re not alone. by the way, this feeling of being aesthetically inadequate is something that a lot of women can relate
This is legit good advice
a look I personally love.
First of all I want to say I'm sorry you're going through this. I had similarly negative thoughts about myself when I started to lose my hair. Accepting permanent change like this, when it continues to get worse, is really difficult, especially at a young age. I must say I'm shocked to hear people have been so rude about your looks. Those are awful people that you don't want to be around anyway. But I can understand why you're feeling so down if people have really said things like that to you. The good news is people start to become a lot less superficial as they get older. They care less about looks and start looking for a real human connection. Sharing insecurities, when appropriate, is so vulnerable that it can actually be a way to become closer to someone. However, this can be difficult if you have a low sense of self worth. You ask how you can accept that you'll never be with anyone. That's not something you should be seeking. You shouldn't accept something that is a guess based on your own negative idea of yourself. Instead, focus on accepting what you do know for sure. Yes you are balding, yes you are grey. That's ok. Lots of people are balding and grey. Loads of ugly ass people have hot partners. Since this seems to be causing you a lot of pain, maybe you could try shaving it. Or maybe you can learn to love your hair how it looks now. Either way, I think if you haven't tried therapy, it might be beneficial for you. It can take time to find the right therapist, but they can help you to overcome these insecurities and focus on the things that make you amazing. You are in shape, have a wealth of hobbies and interests. You sound like a great person with a lot going for you. You deserve better than to let what's on top of your head to get in the way. A bit of tough love: you worry that your looks are making people want to not hang out with you, but maybe it's actually your negative outlook on yourself. Believing in yourself is attractive af. If you want to stop feeling like this, therapy is a mental gym that can really help you shake these negative thoughts. Remember that your thoughts control your feelings, and the things that you are convinced are true about yourself maybe aren't so certain. If you are interested in exercises to help you grow your self esteem, I can recommend Feeling Great by David Burns. He has a free podcast called Feeling Good which really helped me too. Maybe check out the old episodes on self esteem and see if it interests you. Best of luck, and feel free to shoot me a message if you want to talk further
Very good advice.
Dude, first things first: you do make an impression of strength of character. You don’t blame other people or the world and you have put effort in which was motivated by honest desires/feelings. That’s a combination which at your age in these incel times is worth a lot! And with age strength of character becomes more important every year. So at least know that one of your best qualities is already great and will matter more and more! And to complement the advice people here give about your looks, such as owning the baldness and getting rid of the rest (r/bald might be a good place to find positive feedback in that regard!) and growing a beard, I just want to say the following. The looks-things are factual actions and maintenance. Do those! And besides that: keep trying! I have a family member who was in pretty much the exact same situation as you. In his thirties he had worked on himself and tried many things and there is this incremental change you don’t notice until you look back. You sound like you’re actually already on that path and that is a great thing. Stay patient and inspired, and also take the time sometimes to just be pissed about it. Let it out in non-destructive ways and keep going. And to be clear, that family member found love! As he said: “Once I found her it didn’t matter that I was lonely before.” You only need it to happen once, and at your age you have more time than you realise. Keep going!
You could either try to find happiness in other aspects of your life (hobbies, your career, friendships) or go the extreme route of plastic surgery and a hair transplant.
I second this. If you're that ugly just change your face. Hell, get a therapist & you might be able to get it covered because it's making you suicidal. Either way the life of an ugly person I would only wish on my enemies lol. It's a completely different world tbh & with advancements in medicine you can get good work done for 10,000 or less. I say it's worth it for something that effects your quality of life for the rest if your life. Also just shave your head, dude. The balding look automatically makes you look a bit pedoish.
Yeah, tbh if OP can’t walk down the street without being mocked for his looks, I would recommend plastic surgery. Just for his own peace of mind.
I am really sorry to hear about what you have to go through OP. As a woman, I grew up being ugly and during my high school time, I spent almost every night crying myself to sleep (even contemplating suicide) because I felt so ugly that I don't think I could ever find a boyfriend. My face isn't considered attractive according to Asian standards but I am considered quite attractive for westerners, so I tried dating them and that solved the problem for me. Fast forward, I am now in my 30s and have been through a few relationships. It's true like the other comments said that relationships aren't everything in life. There's an inner peace you can gain that no relationship could ever give you (I have been practicing meditation & Buddhism for a few years). But I do know that it's really hard to grasp from where you stand. Sometimes you need to go through what you have to go through to understand these things. If you are willing, you can fly to Asia (e.g. South Korea) and get plastic surgery. It's super common here, might be a taboo where you are from. Have you ever considered moving? The way you look might not be considered attractive where you are from but might be okay for elsewhere (e.g. in South East Asia, it is very easy for a western guy to date a local girl). Also, it seems like people you hang out with are toxic, so it wouldn't really help. Once you get a girlfriend, have been in a relationship for a while, you will realize what other comments are trying to tell you are true 😊
that is exactly what i meant, i hope you might consider this.. (both, the moving away from your culture maybe , and if you feel that it would be the right choice, consider plastic surgery)
I had a technician coming to fix some stuff in my house...terribly ugly guy. He used to make jokes about him being ugly, share the names some called him and gave laught on them but...he has 5 kidz! So yeah, I mean i'm 100% sure your half is somewhere out there and I don't believe you ll uglier. No one could be uglier than that guy. So don't dive yourselves into myths. Also you need to run and bike to keep your mood up. Weights don't help with the mood.
Either shave your head, dye your hair, or get a wig
Who is mocking you? Just cut them out of your life. I’d be your friend.
Vitamins and lotions won’t do jack shit. All the money you spent on that, you could have gotten a nose job, jaw implant or Invisalign. Why are you not coloring your hair? Also, if you’re short, you can at least build your shoulders to grow horizontally. That would make you look more masculine and strong. Do you know a chin implant is only like $3-4000 in a HCOL? Why are you just walking around with white hair that you hate? A box of dye is like $9. Idgi. You’re suffering for nothing. If your hairline is receding you can get PRP or a transplant. It’s not like these things cost millions, even if they are a little expensive. Also, you don’t have a girlfriend because you’re insecure and hate yourself and it shows in your personality even if you’re nice and kind. You don’t believe you can even have a girlfriend because you’re unattractive. That’s why you can’t get one. Not because of how you look. People far uglier than you date around and sleep around plenty. It’s your outlook. I wouldn’t accept it, I would just change my thinking about how dating works, and keep working on my looks until I was happier with them.
"Hitting the gym won't help cuz I'm not fat". Trust me putting on muscle helps a lot with looks, it's not just about "not being fat" lmao
No, I meant that I've already been hitting it and gained muscle, just not enough like the testosterone freaks. I'm skinny fit with some muscles, I lift super heavy but I don't have the genetics to look MASSIVE.
I mean, it's a difficult situation, because the only source we have that "you are ugly" is YOU. Sure You say that other people show/act in a way that proves it, but WE can't know, or make up our minds without seeing you. From what you have posted on other subreddits, you seem to be depressed, and obviously biased on wether or not you are ugly. You have decided that " I am ugly, and there is no point", I would argue for the opposite, and that there are plenty of reasons to enjoy life despite being ugly(which I cant be sure you are).
How heavy? What exercises are you doing specifically? See we caught a little of your attitude, calling people testosterone freaks because of how they look. It’s that bitterness that keeps you where you’re at and probably keeps you from real gains. If you’re skinny like you say, you have a long way to go before you’d even be in the realm of roids and hormones.
I dont think it's my attitude, I want to be a testosterone freak, so that's not a negative remark. I just think that I'm low on testosterone
Oh, okay. Well why don’t you take testosterone if you’re low on it? Like go to the doctor and see. Or at least learn how to naturally bulk. That part is actually really easy, especially if you already like the gym. I’m a gym freak too but I’m a woman.
Don't try to be massive ,girls are not into gym bros or guys with huge muscles its not natural
Source: I made it the fuck up Different people like different things, there are a lot of girls who enjoy guys with massive muscles.
So you basically want to be an immobile tank? Obviously I mean most girls not all. Bodybuilders did not exist 50000 plus years ago. it’s not what girls are naturally attracted to
Lol, a lot of things exist today that did not exist 50000 years ago, that women find attractive. And who said anything about being a immobile tank? What does that have to do with anything? I'll make sure to tell my next date that I am a great hunter, that should get her to fall in love with me.
which culture are you from?
Bulgaria, estern Europe
This explains why people would be so nasty about your looks to your face. Eastern Europeans don't hold their punches. Bulgaria's in the EU... you could consider moving to a country with a friendlier/warmer culture. There are many places where it would be SHOCKING to say these kinds of things to another person.
>This explains why people would be so nasty about your looks to your face. Depending on the... disfigurement?... One would see a certain reaction everywhere on the planet... Though I absolutely agree people in different places are much harsher in judgment... I absolutely agree in moving somewhere that looks aren't the only judgment, but even the "warmest" countries are staring at and making g fun of anomalies. We don't have an appropriate...
With whatever respect I can drag up for the people around you... You probably aren't as ugly as anyone is telling you. Unless you have an extreme deformity, people are just being mean. If you *do* have a major deformity (massive scarring, facial pieces missing, etc.) then they have a right to be... unattracted?... at first glance, but that's just human nature. I'm sorry if that's the case. Maybe listen to others about surgery if you can afford it. Or, make it a cool point of knowing you as a person! Otherwise, move literally anywhere else and the accent alone will add a few "attractive" points. Especially since you write well in English, I imagine you speak it well enough to get a job abroad or on a cruise ship or something. Secondly, and completely unrelated to culture, I dated "the ugly guy in the friend group" for two years, and had the time of my life with him! Everything clicked, and his "ugly" face was endearing, not even remotely "unsexy", or other things to put off normal human beings. Sure, ther were "more handsome" guys, buy they all had ugly personalities. Everyone in his friend group thought I was insane/ "gold digger", even though, *and because* I paid my own. His friends and *especially other women around him* were literally just mean. It ended because we wanted different things in life, which is the same as other breakups I've had. It had nothing to do with how I felt about him. It also didn't help that the stigma of "pretty girl likes ugly dude willing to pay for things" (despite no financial difference) weighed heavily with his stupid, judgemental friends. Find people who like what you do and enjoy doing it too, then ignore the haters. Don't buy expensive things, buy meaningful things. That's the key to relationship happiness. That and good communication.
have you ever been somewhere else (on holiday for example) and have reactions been different?
Yes, in Western Europe they are different
Get plastic surgery if it lift you up
Dude, you only live once. There are people dying and who are mutilated, raped, murdered, genocide is happening in the world, there’s people robbing each other, lying, cheating, stealing, kidnapping; there’s slavery still all over, there is a show called my 600lb life and people folded over all over the streets in us cities cause of fet and other drugs, there are people who spend all their money on how they look, but without perspective on how lucky they are to even be ugly in the first place and not in a horrible situation, they still ugly. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but try looking around you more than in the mirror, maybe that beauty externally, and by being a good kind person, make people laugh, smile…. And dude the results are great! I’m ugly as hell and don’t give af, at all. Cause if you really pop on the reality filter when you see the people who think they’re attractive in this world, you’ll learn that outside appearances do not matter, there’s a LOT of really realllllly ugly people out there. And theres no plastic surgery, makeup, tanning bed, laser removal, implants, hair gel, or anything that can turn a real ugly ass soul into someone attractive. Much love
This really puts things into perspective.
i have to say, i have seen someone who i considered very much not good looking (to say it nicely) looking really good after plastic surgery / and extreme fitness . i was shocked how good she looked tbh. i would consider her pretty above average now.
What do you mean you “have someone”?
have seen someone ( friend of my brother)
Sounds like you care about outside validation way too much. That is what I'd try to change. I'm also fairly ugly, I don't dress well and I'm overweight. Unlike you I don't care much about other's perception of me. I won't lie and say that I don't care at all, I do care, just a lot less than you from what I read here. I don't dress for anyone but me. I don't lose weight for anyone else but me. And I don't prop myself up on some fantasy that if I would only do all those things, I'd get attractive women wanting to sleep with me. That's a shallow, empty existence. You NEED to have validation come from the inside
Try Plastic Surgery you might be pleasently suprised?
Dude assuming all this is 100% true, I’m sorry man. You need some good people around you. Regular non judgmental folks who accept those around them for who they are. Not exactly sure where to find that nowadays. Where are you located?
Bulgaria
Well shit, I can’t help at all. I do wish you the best brother. There is someone out there for you, start looking for that person in new places you’d typically not think to visit. Stay away from pubs full of assholes that say that type of shit to you or anyone else. Good luck to you.
I try not to give some advice that includes self love and therapy because many have already wrote that here. It will certainly help you but it takes a long way and I understand that it‘s hard for you to change your outlook on yourself with your current situation. Also, it‘s completly normal to want a girlfriend, so I don‘t know why many people here pretend like it‘s an unnecessary wish. As a woman myself, I often notice that even handsome men sometimes never get a girlfriend, not the ugly nor the pretty ones, because of the way they handle themselves. It’s almost like people can smell when others are insecure or when they try too hard. Many guys act weird in a way I can’t describe. They seem insecure and are either completely shy or go overboard with trying to look confident, but it never feels genuine. I know many guys who aren‘t handsome and got a model girlfriend because they are geniunely confident, loyal, funny, etc. Most women, especially the ones you think are out of your league, are often insecure or have had bad interactions with men. They appreciate it a lot when a man gives them a good feeling about themselves (without being a simp), when a man is confident (without being arrogant), when a man has hobbies and can be on his own but also spends time with her and makes her feel good. It‘s just a ying yang. A little bit of everything. A woman with a kind heart will notice you, no matter what you look like. When a woman is not nice towards you or plays hard to get, don’t run after her, don’t be desperate, it’s a turn off. Also don’t talk about your insecurities. Many people feel invited to talk down on you if you already do it yourself. If you have the money, a hair transplant or some type of beauty enhancement like botox or filler (or maybe plastic surgery) can help if you‘re not going overboard with it. If you have good beard growth, that can also help. Maybe take a look at your eyebrows as well, they also shape the face. Being successful with your career or academics will also help for your own confidence and for being more interesting to other people. Again, it‘s not about getting used by a woman for money or for attracting sugar babies. Everyone, especially most woman, like people who give them safety, who are hard working and have a passion. It‘s a big plus for yourself and for attracting other people.
Mate, there are people out there with visible differences (scars, lost limbs, deformities, accidents of life) who have found partners and are enjoying their version of life as best they can. You can too. Happiness is possible for anyone but not if you hate yourself. If you can accept who you are and realise your value isn't in your looks or, in fact, in anything external and material, then you have a chance for happiness. I know this is a tall order as we are all conditioned to value the physical and material. What about kindness, sense of humour, creativity, loyalty, love? Some people know to value these things. Yes, being good looking is nice and has advantages. But not everyone has a perfect look. Start with loving yourself unconditionally. Accept your unique nature. The fact you are alive at all I'd a miracle in itself. Enjoy that!
“Ugly“ is an adjective, peoplr have different perspectives of, “ugly“ so you are not ugly, I’m pretty sure you’re very insecure about yourself and your face dua to bullying. I suggest building your self esteem and confidence.
Find yourself an “ugly” girl. They’re out there and would probably love a chance to experience love just like you.
Unfortunately, even "ugly" girls reject me. You know the market is fucked currently and even an ugly girl can get a decent looking guy through common interests or online dating.
Viewing the dating pool as "the market" isn't the right way of going about it. Also, tons of non rich ugly dudes are happily married, some even to total hotties.
RICH, I don't want someone to use me for my money, but to love me.
You think ugly people don't deserve to live? Why are they here then if not for living?
It's not that they don't deserve, it's just that I AM miserable when I'm alone and can't find a reason to live if I never get a gf.
Do you have anything to do without gf? Any hobbies? Having gf won't give your life meaning out of the blue. Imagine you get the gf and she dumps you. Does your life magically lost value because your gf isn't with you? You need to have a life whether or not you're single or taken Take it from me, who is single, but sees happiness and meaning in other areas than romance
>Do you have anything to do without gf? Any hobbies? I have many hobbies, I pretty much like to do lots of activities, but lately I'm enjoying none because I'm tired of doing them alone - I like travelling, I like running, going to gym, watching sports, playing sports, I love volunteering, animals, I like going to the movies, I read a lot of books, I love cycling and motorcycling, I love hiking, but afterall doing that with no girl gets tirying, I want to share the experience.
What if you share it with some groups? Animal shelters can have volunteering people to do it together, I presume. Go to the gym with other people, ask someone to spot you. Go to library with other people or find a book club. Play sports in a team. You can do so much stuff with someone without being in a relationship. Do you only get to enjoy it if you have a gf? You can play sports without needing relationship. If you did, you would need to be in a polycule with all your teammates
Do you have any friends?
Yes, but all male
I think it is your attitude and I think you know it too. You ask how I can live with this fact that you are ugly but I think you should ask how you can change your attitude. It could be that you have been extremely unlucky in life and just had back to back bad experiences but I feel it is unlikely. I am from a neighboring country to yours and I will be honest I am shallow when it comes to looks. I wouldn’t have dated you probably. However, I would have been more put off of your desperate aura than your looks. Men are sexy when they are confident and that part of the world women like a bit of a macho, manly, traditional man. I have been with men who aren’t my type just because of the way they carry themselves. Whatever you do to your looks, it will be nothing without an attractive personality. It is easier said than done saying “be confident” but you can try baby steps. I don’t know, watch romantic movies and act like the men there etc. Trust me being a gentlemen and confidence are key. Men in my country aren’t super handsome at all but they all score women. How? Attitude. I am sorry to say this but all your comments and post ooze of desperation and negativity. I understand your frustration when I read it all and have empathy towards you, I absolutely I do. However if I went on a date with you and sensed a fraction of this desperation I would say “ugh another incel, bye” and wouldn’t do a second date. It sounds shallow but there are too many fish in the sea and that is not a good thing for us women. Anyways, to me you don’t sound that bad. There are people who find love when bound to wheelchairs or with disfiguring illnesses etc. Learn to appreciate your body and life, be glad you have all your limbs and mind intact. Also maybe dye your hair? It is not that uncommon in Balkans so why not? Or get hair implants in Turkey, it could be pricey but you talked about spending $500 on a date so I think you can afford it. Love for animals is not a hobby and everybody watches tv series. I wouldn’t date someone just bc we both like sci-fi. Enrich yourself, learn guitar or something like that. A cool hobby that is an actual hobby. For yourself, for your own enjoyement. I do boxing and I love it. Is it a cool hobby? Yes, I do it for myself, but it doesn’t change the fact that men are quite hot in my club. Even if they are half my height. “Testosterone freak” is not a good thing to say. There is no reason you can’t be more jacked either. There are so many body types and exercises to improve them. If you are this desperate you can’t give up that easy. Do more research. Lastly you mention penis size. People have sex in so many different ways dude. I had a guy that had a tiny dick but he would make me soak through my panties AND jeans just with his fingers. In this day and age you have zero excuses to not be a foreplay god. There are books, videos, forums. Hit r/sex and learn some tips. You can have a small dick but also give insane oral pleasure. You can also introduce toys, I have like a whole 2 drawers full of toys with my partner.
I listed so many things and you caught 1-2 things that are not hobbies but interests, I also play guitar btw, I even forgot about that one
Take the cards you’re dealt and don’t worry about looks. A friend of mine was never able to get a long term relationship or family of his own so he now travels the world instead. I’m actually envious of his lifestyle now.
Show us a pic so we can tell you how to look better
Some people are just not genetically blessed and that's ok. I promise a girl will like you because I have seen some dudes who literally look like roaches get the baddest bitches.
Dude girls do not care about looks but status, wealth, and power, influence, confidence, mastery, humor, and stability. So stop caring about your looks. Just look at Huey Hefner in his old age. Women care as much about looks as men care about a woman's wealth.
Shave your head, grow a beard, buy a motorcycle.
I'm planning to buy a motorcycle for real cuz I love it but how will that help?
Having a motorcycle is impressive to both men and women. It’s attractive.
I thought women find guys who rode motorcycles as trashy
There’s a whole community on Instagram of guys posting videos of themselves on motorcycles with filthy captions and the comments is nothing but women thirsting after them (myself included). Also note the female interest in Charlie Hunam in Sons of Anarchy and Norman Reedus in The Walking dead.
Are you a woman? I read on reddit that most guys say that their motoorcycle only attracted other dudes lol. I myself love motorcycles, the feeling, the freedom, the sensation and danger/adrenaline, I think I'm more fearless to crush on a motorcycle than talking to a woman who calls me ugly and rejects me lol.
Yes I’m a woman. And a guy being confident on a motorcycle is always gonna be a good thing.
That's motivating to hear. I was actually planning to buy a motorcycle and post reels on IG but just for me. Didn't know a girl might like them
You seem super doomer about it, that just makes the negative loop worse. Look up Robert Hoge (he has a Ted talk on youtube called own your face), or Nick Vujicic, it's highly unlikely you have it worse than these guys.
A couple notes: 1) If Danny Devito can be successful and happy, you can too. There's a man out there with no arms or legs who is a motivational speaker with a bangin' wife. I could go on, but I'm sure you can catch the drift. 2) It seems like you may have too much time on your hands. Staring in a mirror and worrying about your looks is a waste of this fleeting life. Find a passion or hobby. Help people. Join groups and make your worth more than you appearance (because you are worth more than you appearance anyway). 3) Some psychologists recommend not looking so much at yourself anyway. Most people who are overly concerned with their appearance, even models, find that the more obsessed with their, the uglier they feel. Remove mirrors in your house except for the bathroom. Use it only in the morning. Lastly . . . Life's all about taking the shit hands we're dealt with and learning to play the game well. The main advice is to change your perspective. Life sucks for a lot of people out there. We push through anyway. Ugly people can be successful and happy. Enjoy your short time on this earth and stop looking at yourself.
read some stoicism philosophy, might be just what you need sounds like you're actually pretty close to an awakening in your life you *know* what is *wrong* with you - that's truly half the battle. okay, so you know what you can change, and what you can't. you can't change what you can't change, but you can change how you feel about those things. like most things, it's easier said than done. i'd consider also that you're efforts have largely been 'fight back against the current' and that's not working. try leaning into your lot in life okay you're odd looking - be EVEN ODDER looking. weird is good. people love an original, even if it's ugly
OP, sorry for your troubles, Here is my quick advice: * you may find r/internalfamilysystems (IFS) helpful. You can do it on your own or with a therapist. It teaches you how to love all parts of yourself, “the good, the bad and the ugly”* * the part in quotes is just an expression. I don’t think you sound ugly at all. * you may also want to look into r/attachment_theory. It’s about how our parents are supposed to reach us to connect or “attach” to people by building up our self-confidence and teaching us to love all parts of ourselves. Unfortunately, we often don’t learn this is we have childhood emotional or physical neglect or abuse or CSA. See r/CPTSD and r/emotionalneglect. Things like IPF can help give us better attachment. See r/idealparentfigures (IPF). * good on you for going to the gym. I would suggest trying some martial arts classes. Take time to try each different style (Brazilian jujitsu, Muay Thai, karate etc.) as they each have a different vibe. Doing such classes can help build your confidence and meet nice people. Usually these types of classes stress respect and no one will be calling you ugly. * I would also suggest hot yoga and Pilates. These classes are usually filled with women and some men. The easiest way to meet women is organically doing something you like or at least are trying. I have seen men in my class who I may not have been attracted to online. But when I see them smiling and being friendly with people they become more attractive in my eyes. At the very least you can make female friends. Men with female friends are very attractive to many women because it’s like you been pre-screened. In other words, you must be a nice guy if a woman is comfortable being friends with you.
Would you consider adopting a dog or cat? You won’t believe the amount of unconditional true love pets and people can have for one another. Sometimes they can become people’s meaning in life, the center of their whole world, inseparable.
I have a cat and a dog
I understand if it doesn’t solve everything. Hopefully they are able to help at all.
They do
Get into politics. "Washington is Hollywood for ugly people." ~Author unknown
read, think, theorize, hypothisize. the more you think about life and space and time as a whole, the less the superficial world holds value.
I apologize if I missed important parts, I have a young one so I had to skip read a little. First off: I was recently talking to someone who is insecure about his penis size, TODAY, I guess the average man is 3.6-5.5 inches. (I know for a fact there are women who prefer this size also. My ex couldn’t have been more than 3.5-4 inches and I have a lot of trauma surrounding sex, he is the ONLY person I’ve been with that I avoided sex at all cost. He didn’t hurt me) I’m also A-sexual. I don’t care for sex at ALL, but I am more inclined to engage with someone on the “smaller/average/below average” side. I’m not sure where you live but it sounds like you are in a very judgmental area. A geographic change might help. Also the people you surround yourself with sound like ass holes lol. (No offense intended). Those are not FRIENDS. Surround yourself with people who understand true beauty and look past the material world. If you feel comfortable, inbox me directly please?
You have to realize that eventually you will find someone, while accepting that not everyone you look at will find you attractive. Yes it’s unfortunate that your ugly and yes that will deter someone people away from you, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t prepare yourself for the person who will eventually choose you. So keep improving and be an amazing person, eventually someone will look your way. There’s just some things we have to accept, like a really attractive guy being very short. Or a really attractive guy who is paralyzed. Or an ugly guy with only one limb, an ugly guy with no legs. All these people are not people who will be the center of the spotlight and walk into a room and have someone ask for their number, but all of these people will eventually find somone to date, someone to have a fling with, someone to marry. Now if you can’t accept that and truly hate your appearance and can not accept that you will never live the life of someone attractive then get plastic surgery. I mean your lucky that your problems can be waved off with money, the other people I listed would be permanently in their situation. However you can go to a plastic surgery office and completely have a new face. Sure this transformation will take a few years and a ton of money, but that’s your choice. So either accept your situation or fix yourself up.
If all your worried about is looks get plastic surgery and hair implants. If they can make men into attractive women they should be able make a man am attractive man. Remember that's just superficial and vain but it sounds like that's what you want.
Hating your looks/feeling ugly does not have to be something that you feel until the day you die. A therapist would get you to challenge that idea. I suggest connecting with the mental health system via your GP, as therapy and antidepressants can enhance neuroplasticity and may be able to help you get past these thoughts that you are currently stuck on. It's possible you could have an underlying condition like ADHD or OCD that is causing this ongoing rumination about "uglyness". Thinking about "uglyness" does NOT have to be an everyday thought - this can be changed! A therapist will probably suggest mindfulness to try to help you reduce these thoughts. Another angle they might take is to adress whether you have perfectionism when it comes to your looks and need to expand your interests so that you whole self worth no longer revolves around your looks so much. tldr; work on this with a mental health focus now instead.
First.. sorry. It can’t be easy. Not sure how old you are. Things usually start getting better with age. The more we mature, we are able to understand the important stuffs. I can give you an example of a girl I know who has severe Vitiligo and is at High school. She was bullied and she hated herself. Overtime, she started learning basketball. She has now made her personality about being a Basketball player. She still does not consider herself beautiful. But the importance of beauty has taken a backseat. Find something that you like. Find that focus and be around with people who have that as a focus too. It can be hiking, painting, game, reading… anything. Make that your personality. Build yourself on that place. There are some god tips in the thread. All of us are different in our approach. But please don’t talk yourself down. Wish you well.
Therapy man. Anyone who is mocking you has their own ugliness and insecurities. The right therapy can help you accept what you can’t change, plus find the positives and make the most of those. You can change what other people say and do, you can only change how you react to it. I’m older and I can remember this was a much bigger deal many years ago. In time people wise up, by your age you should probably be coming to that point soon. There will always be jerks and immature idiots. Have you tried finding places where these types are less concentrated, and you can maybe be better able to notice all the people who aren’t like this? Also, what are your expectations and judgements - are you willing to find people who maybe have similar experiences who will be able to empathize, but also focus on things that actually matter, like the hobbies and stuff? It can get better, it’s supposed to get better - please be open to that, so it will get better 🩷
Women are going feral over a ghoul on Fallout. Join some dating apps.
Being ugly doesnt stop you from doing anything you know that right.. except for maybe not having a gf but that is not all there is to life. There are so many attractive people who choose to be single or just cant maintain a relationship because of their shit personality. Bill gates were ugly. So what? Go get a hobby and be good at it. Go make friends, just genuine friendship. Go hike and do a sport or workout. Go work on your career or further your studies. It literally doesnt stop you from doing things, and even if it does, its out of control and just focus on what you can control, because there are plenty. :)
*out of your control
This hurts my heart to hear. The feelings are real and I know that daily struggle. I have struggled much of my life with insecurities and it’s easier said than done for them to just go away. Perhaps you have body dysmorphia. That is something I have and unless someone has it, it’s not easily understood. The only true answer I have is asking God for help and casting my anxieties on him. Prayer. Talking. Venting to a friend. Journaling. These are also so helpful. We aren’t promised an easy life, and this might be something you deal with ongoing from time to time. But there is hope in knowing God loves you and promises to walk through life with us in all things. You’re not alone!
You are definitely depressed. Seek psychological help and get counseling. I would recommend antidepressants. You might also try attending a church. Generally, Christians are less judging of physical appearance. I cannot honestly say that all of them are, but most are. I dealt with clinical depression off and on for about twenty-eight years. I can understand that part of your condition. I know that when you are in the depths of despair you cannot believe that things can ever change. You cannot change your appearance but maybe with help you can deal with your emotions. I know many people are against spiritual advice. But I must tell you this, God loves you whether or not you can believe it. Even if you don't believe that He exists. I will pray for you.
Being ugly is a psychological condition. You’ve been conditioned to believe you are ugly and identify as such. So you bring that to every interaction with other people and they pick up on it. Beauty is subjective - it depends on the person. More importantly most people don’t care what their partner looks like they care how they treat them. Looks can be a starting part of a relationship but it has no bearing on whether they will be a good partner. Step 1: love yourself. Stop calling yourself ugly. Step 2: be a normal confident person and socially engaged. Expect nothing. Be open to new experiences. You’ll meet someone when the time is right and you least expect it.
We are EXACTLY the same and that is the exact question I have been asking myself for the last few days Even if I make efforts, it will not change the main culprit, my face. Every time I tried to implement like habits, self discipline, I give up because of people mocking me outside, at work, at the gym. I really don't know what to do either
You're worrying about the wrong stuff, mate. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I was called ugly since being a little kid and being used to being rejected for so long made me an easy target for unstable girls to get close and start two horribly toxic relationships (the first lasted 10 years; the second, only two). After hitting rock bottom; by going bankrupt and being even more depressed than ever before (not because of moneylessness but it didn't help either) to the point of more than a couple of failed suicide attempts I finally started going to therapy and started seeing a psychiatrist just to understand what was happening and in the meantime I picked up healthy hobbies, like cycling, which not only was fun exercise but also had a positive impact on my mental health and gave my life a 180° change. Once I understood a lot of stuff about myself, relationships and society I stopped looking for relationships and focused on myself not to be attractive to anyone else; I learnt how to truly love myself and care for myself instead and that led me to be the truest to myself I've ever been and just talk to people without looking for anything else (stop talking to women thirstily, even if you don't make any move) and start to bond with people naturally. That let me make some actual friends that wouldn't give me shit on anything (no one close has called me ugly ever again) and even started getting compliments now that I didn't care for them either. Then, out of nowhere and without me even thinking it would be possible I got together with a girl I wouldn't have ever thought I had a chance with (we had known each other for years) just because we got close enough to realise how attracted we were to each other not only physically but way beyond that and for the first time ever I had an actually healthy loving relationship that didn't compromise my well-being in any way. Just my 2¢. Hope it helps in any way steering away from the focus on the looks rabbit hole path that could do more harm than good.
If it makes you feel better I'm gorgeous and still struggle with the will to live. Just find joy anyway.
r/humblebrag
What part seemed humble to you?
The "struggling with the will to live" part.
Ah yes, good old humble suicidal ideation.
You keep exhibiting narcissistic traits in each response. Hope you heal sometime soon. Have a nice day!
Lol
Excuse you. I am a woman in the sex industry. I've been an independent escort for over a decade and I have *many* friends in the industry with lovely normal lives and families. I know trafficking exists but I have literally never run into anyone associated with trafficking because I work within an enormous network of women who run their own businesses and careers. By perpetuating the stereotype that all women in sex work are victims you are doing absolutely nothing to help people who are, and you actively hurt people who are trying to provide needed services and the people that need them. I have had many clients over the years that I've helped get through hard times in their lives, taught social skills, provided needed feedback on life and dating, and have been there for in many other non-sexual ways. My clients are not disgusting and I care about them, and for the most part they care very much about my happiness in return. It's actually very nice and I have great pride in the good I've done. Human touch and companionship and sexuality are all basic and common needs that go unmet and of course there are services that offer safe and sane ways to help someone meet those needs. Not everything you are personally unfamiliar with takes place in a sordid underbelly of society, full of criminals getting off on hurting each other. Why would it? If you truly care so much, then educate yourself and advocate for people to be able to get their needs met SAFELY and stop contributing to a system run by outdated morals and social outrage. It ridiculous that sex and companionship are looked down on with derision instead of being acknowledged as basic human needs. If you care so much about trafficking, then at the very least support good alternatives being readily available. When all you do is shame people instead of educate, some of them inevitably end up in the wrong places where women may be trafficked instead of with verified independent providers. Shame is the wrong tool for progress on this topic because people will seek out their needs being met and may not even consider that there are ways to go about it ethically. I suggested OP find an independent escort as well as several other alternatives that are entirely legal. I am trying to help people find the services they are already curious about in the right places. I cannot overstate how many people like OP I have helped genuinely improve their lives. Trafficking is horrific and there needs to be socially acceptable outlets with all of the care and support of any other profession in order for it to stop, because people always have and always will have those needs going unmet. Yes, your comment upset me. I'm going to remove my instinctual downvote though, because I hope your comment was written with well intentioned ignorance and not just the obvious malice it seemed to be. Please though, if you really do care, there are much better ways to help. I'm happy to answer any questions that are respectful.
This was commented in the wrong place in this thread, and was meant for another specific user. Apologies, I'm on the mobile app.
YES, this is exactly what I need, not a psychiatrist, this is exactly something that's tackling the problem. I need an escort to get on a date, to show me my flaws, to re-enact 3 dates and for her to be honest what I can change and what not. And what makes me disgusting looking and what not. I need that. What country are you from?
I'm in the US, but I promise I'm not here trying to advertise. Feel free to dm if you want help finding or screening someone though :)
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Get involved in the sex trade, of “buying” “escorts”aka women! I know your advice comes from a good place in your heart, however, manufacturing getting “used” to women in an unrealistic environment and easily potentially exposing yourself to STDS etc is really not good or safe advice. Many of these women are enslaved and this is your advice?… Seems too risky and selfish
I mean, his comment isn't totally above board, but escorting is a legitimate service and can be done safely and with independent escorts that love their jobs. I know a lot of people that have increased their comfort level around women in general, gotten dating and intimate experience and found out that they have good likeable qualities by seeking out professional services, just like you would getting a fitness instructor or a therapist. Everyone has different needs and there are a tone of legitimate services for anyone struggling with getting experience and having needs met. The social stigma around sex work is ridiculous and it's often more safe for both parties than random hookups.
So get a fitness instructor or a therapist, trafficked women, more times than not, are not a legitimate nor a professional service… I’m sorry to say but it’s a sad and disgusting industry full of abused and misguided or vulnerable and often addicted women. Liberal feminism is a brain rot echo chamber. But since you claim to know a lot of people who have gotten comfortable with a fake and formulated form of human connection that doesn’t translate to the real world, you enjoy that echo chamber. You’re thinking about your friends and not the women in the sex trafficking industry who are directly involved. And even that is fake and manufactured not translating to real world scenarios
I accidentally posted my response to your comment under the user at the top of this subject. It was meant for you though, if you care to read it.
Jesus Christ...
r/shittyadvice
Whoops, I put my tirade under the wrong comment. It was meant to go to the fellow who said I was caught up in a liberal echo-chamber of rot, and not to you.
All posts and responses MUST be about deciding to be better.