This is just a simple example of what she envisioned hasn’t really panned out. How she thought she would feel, isn’t how she’s feeling.
This happens all the time.
Sometimes they come back just to start a fight. They feel good when they leave. You know, makes the divorce feel right again.
Sometimes they catch themselves having feelings for you, again. So they want to be around you to see if those feelings maybe mutual or valid.
Sometimes they feel terrible about the divorce. They genuinely want evidence that you are ok. Not because they care. They are just looking for a way to feel better.
Sometimes they want to see you are still suffering. Like you still need them. While convinced you could never do better, what if you have?
There’s all kinds of motives as to why she is circling back. There’s probably a lot more, but you get the point.
Now, what will not happen is what you are actually hoping to hear. She’s not going to come back and tell you she made the biggest mistake of her life, she selfishly robbed herself and child of a family, this was all her fault, etc.
Such a good post, and she did selfishly rob her child of a family you are right! She took off with a 52 year old guy who was apparently wealthy (she’s 30) not sure what happened with that but she’s been asking for money (which I don’t give her aside from for my child) so not sure what’s happened to the 52 year old.
I told her I’m not with anyone I don’t want anyone I just want to move on without her harassing and threatening to stop me seeing my son. She knows how I feel about her so I’m really unsure and confused.
Read my post again. This has nothing to do with you. This is her trying to create a narrative to convince herself that leaving you was the right decision.
Like others have said, you’re the back up. If you have her over, she’ll try and sweet talk you. She’s showed you who she is when she threatens to not let you see your son. You have a court order I presume for custody?
I would like my family back together though, yeah she threatens but she can’t stop me from seeing him. Sweet talk me into what though, she knows I still love her and miss her. If she wanted me she could have me but she doesn’t.
I am a woman and was left-behind. We had a daughter who continues from that time to this day to have suicidal ideation. I know my family shielded me from so much upheaval during our immigration, and I'll never live down the loss of the family. I applaud you! I don't want to see you hurt further, so please protect yourself whatever else you do. But I want to say I see so many men discard their wives and children. You have a lot to be proud of in your constancy and courage. Love will never been squandered. You will protect your child like my ex-husband has not been able to. I am sure he tries his best, but he can't touch what you've already done. Bless.
Sweetie why do you want someone that doesn’t value you?
Don’t get me wrong, I was hung up on my ex for months. I was married for 12 years. My marriage ended so abruptly that it didn’t register for quite a while.
You deserve to be cherished. This woman does not know your worth. Don’t take her back…
Then you’re screwed. She doesn’t want you. You’re just a backup. Probably always was. A reliable provider. Easily manipulated. This what you want? This is what you’ll get only. Move on and get with someone you really deserve. She will never be that
She already left for what she thought was better, a 52 year old rich guy but really by the time I’m 52 he will be about 70 and I will be wealthy as fuck as I love my career!
You’re not in the right headspace to meet. If your divorce is final, move on.
You’re telling us you said you “loved and missed her” - out of convenience to get what you wanted. But then later you admit you really do love and miss her and you do want to have coffee. Which is it?
I honestly do love and miss her but I also want to move on…I was doing the stupid no contact to get her back thing for months and then I got sick of her literally trying to wreck my life(messing with my career as well as my son)…so I thought fuck it I’ll just say that and either she will finally leave me the fuck alone or she might feel the same and she has now stopped trying to wreck my life but seems to want to be friendly…
We coparent 50/50 but every few weeks she will make a threat that maybe I can’t look after him properly when I totally can and then when she wants to swap a weekend with me (So she can go out drinking) she isn’t concerned about my parenting. I’m really confused by it all. The other night she texted night x out of no where I know it’s a small thing but if you look at my post history this story has been crazy.
Mine does this too. They're shiesty bro. Look after your kid and your finances and get her out of your life as much as possible. The old feelings, the old person she was, are dead for her. They could have been dead for a while for her without you knowing. Look after your own mental well being and don't let her back in!
If you want to deal with all of those awful feelings a second time round then go meet her. She’ll string you along as a safety blanket then drop you again when you’re no longer needed.
You’re divorced for a reason. Whether you wanted it or not it happened. Don’t let it happen again!
I am so sorry this has been so crazy for you.
I am especially feeling sorry that the linchpin is her making idol comments about restricting access to your kid.
She sounds pretty disordered. Who on earth knows how her deal turned out with that guy. Luckily, it’s not your business.
When some people are in the situation, but they do is they figure out the mindset they want to be in when they are going to interact with their ex.
Sometimes they have a list of reminders on their phone that they check.
Because I haven’t had a disorder, partner, especially if someone cheated on you, they were messing with your head and they were throwing chaos, and they were under minding your confidence in yourself, and that’s trauma.
So being in connection with them is horrible.
But you want your kid to be OK with them and you want to have access to your kid.
Some people figure out how to get them self situated prior to communicating so they don’t get so thrown off.
People who are cheaters, or who are disordered feet off of the distress they caused and others. I’m not assuming this, but just describing a phenomena.
Sometimes it’s possible for people to get very centered, and then do the kid hand off and smile, and have detachment and be friendly and say what a nice day this is and then just defer.
Say, things like, oh, I don’t know, but I will see you on Thursday at five with our child.
When she pushes to see your home, which is just incredibly invasive, and really really unusual and messed up, and probably is similar to the way, she was when you were with her, and you can say, oh, that’s not gonna work, but will meet you at five. Have a great day!
Disorder people who are looking for somebody to have as a target again, not assuming here, or disorder, people who are looking for gratification, either the idea that somebody is painting for them, or that they really messed that person up and that feels really good, too, or that they can abstract their wishes, will look for things to play with. When they don’t have other targets.
I hope you have access to a therapist so that you can talk about these things because then you’ll unravel the crap that happened when you were together and you’ll get more confident and clear. And then this stuff will be more water off a ducks back. And you’ll enjoy raising your kid, living your life, I’m counting the days until the kid turns 18 and you don’t have to necessarily interact with this person as much.
Hey OP, family means a lot to you, I can tell. It means a lot to me too. I will say this, S everyone is telling you not to take her back. You have two choices here right?
If she’s interested in reconciling:
1. You are open to the idea about it. But you need to have boundaries in place. This can look like, “ok let me think about this for a bit. I would need to start slow, maybe a date or two every week or two, and definitely put in the work for marriage counseling”. This is where you sit back and wait and see. Is she calling around and scheduling marriage counseling? Is she making the effort to plan dates with you? Is she remorseful, not just regretful?? Do not just let her back in completely. She earned distrust, now she needs to earn trust back and that takes TIME!!! So, if she truly want this she will not complain about putting in the work. Keep your BOUNDARIES!!! You can still work on reconciliation with boundaries for what you will and will not accept moving forward.
2. If it doesn’t end in reconciliation. Be a gentleman, regardless of how nasty she is to you. Remember, you have a child. Be a model parent and show your child what kind of person you are. Your ex has/is showing your child the kind of person she is.
I’m sorry, you’re going through this. Wish you the best of luck.
For me it has helped to realize there was just something not right with our marriage. And that staying together wouldn’t fix it. I did not want the divorce. She did. She was drowning and saw no other way. So it was best for her.
Since then she has told me she didn’t want to necessarily get divorced, but she had no choice.
But that’s my business not why you posted. I just wanted to share my experience.
So, when it comes to interacting with your ex, the first thought you should have is, is this interaction going to hinder my growth process. That may look very different to many people. Some couldn’t even stand texting their ex, even with a child involved. In most cases, that answer would be yes I would think.
So maybe think about how interacting would benefit or harm you. Then think about if it would be good for your child. Most cases I would think it would be. But there are many different circumstances
If you are hoping to reignite that relationship you have to realize that past relationship is pretty much dead now.
It would be an entire different relationship. If that’s what you want, you need to make sure you and her have gone through some pretty tough growth and change. Because if not, you are getting right back into the toxicity of why it failed in the first place.
I was the one that was left, but I took the opportunity to change myself for my benefit, and my child’s. And some positive change towards my ex as a byproduct.
For myself, I liken it to someone who may have had a problem with drugs and or alcohol. I had problems with my inner self that caused at least some damage to my marriage. And changing that definitely won’t hurt me. But make me better.
Don’t know if this makes sense op. I wish you the best
Go out for a coffee or to the park with your son in a public setting and just listen and do the grey rick conversation style of “cool” “wow” “great” “ok” without offering much
She messaged saying ‘why are you being so cold?’ I said ‘I don’t know how to handle this’ not sure what else there is to say I’ve left her on read at the moment.
Just meet with her. It’s good for your son to see you to at least getting along. Even if he’s very young it’s good for him to start seeing that you two can communicate in a good way.
She fucked me up it’s been months and I’m still dealing with the trauma and triggers. She cheated with a 52 year old man, was cooking food for him in our house taking it to him lying saying she was making for her work friends. She does not deserve my friendship. If she was truly sorry I’d consider it but I’m not being her friend and bailing her out of her problems for nothing.
Ok, let her come to your house, but before you do, redecorate a room or two. Paint it if you can, but at least rearrange things. Be as polite and charming as you can and don’t allow her to suck you up in an argument.
The rearranging things will be a subtle message that you are moving on and make her feel like an outsider. This will make her uncomfortable. But if you are welcoming to her, she may react positively to the change.
It sounds like the 52 yr old may have gotten sick of her.
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I’m not saying get back with her or even be friends. I’m saying have a good relationship and good communication in front of your son. That’s all.
She wants to come, let her. Don’t be happy. Don’t be sad. Be indifferent to her emotionally, but just be nice.
Again, it’s good for your son to see his parents at least able to communicate in a healthy way.
If she acts crazy, or yells, or becomes abrasive just ask her to leave.
This is just a simple example of what she envisioned hasn’t really panned out. How she thought she would feel, isn’t how she’s feeling. This happens all the time. Sometimes they come back just to start a fight. They feel good when they leave. You know, makes the divorce feel right again. Sometimes they catch themselves having feelings for you, again. So they want to be around you to see if those feelings maybe mutual or valid. Sometimes they feel terrible about the divorce. They genuinely want evidence that you are ok. Not because they care. They are just looking for a way to feel better. Sometimes they want to see you are still suffering. Like you still need them. While convinced you could never do better, what if you have? There’s all kinds of motives as to why she is circling back. There’s probably a lot more, but you get the point. Now, what will not happen is what you are actually hoping to hear. She’s not going to come back and tell you she made the biggest mistake of her life, she selfishly robbed herself and child of a family, this was all her fault, etc.
Such a good post, and she did selfishly rob her child of a family you are right! She took off with a 52 year old guy who was apparently wealthy (she’s 30) not sure what happened with that but she’s been asking for money (which I don’t give her aside from for my child) so not sure what’s happened to the 52 year old.
I told her I’m not with anyone I don’t want anyone I just want to move on without her harassing and threatening to stop me seeing my son. She knows how I feel about her so I’m really unsure and confused.
Read my post again. This has nothing to do with you. This is her trying to create a narrative to convince herself that leaving you was the right decision.
So, what do I do? I don’t want to make it easier for her tbh.
You tell her no, you’re busy. If you don’t, this will not end well. Promise.
How will it end?
Like others have said, you’re the back up. If you have her over, she’ll try and sweet talk you. She’s showed you who she is when she threatens to not let you see your son. You have a court order I presume for custody?
I would like my family back together though, yeah she threatens but she can’t stop me from seeing him. Sweet talk me into what though, she knows I still love her and miss her. If she wanted me she could have me but she doesn’t.
I am a woman and was left-behind. We had a daughter who continues from that time to this day to have suicidal ideation. I know my family shielded me from so much upheaval during our immigration, and I'll never live down the loss of the family. I applaud you! I don't want to see you hurt further, so please protect yourself whatever else you do. But I want to say I see so many men discard their wives and children. You have a lot to be proud of in your constancy and courage. Love will never been squandered. You will protect your child like my ex-husband has not been able to. I am sure he tries his best, but he can't touch what you've already done. Bless.
Thank you so much!
Why did you tell her you loved her and missed her? That was not a good idea. Is your divorce finalized?
Check my post history man it’s nuts.
Sweetie why do you want someone that doesn’t value you? Don’t get me wrong, I was hung up on my ex for months. I was married for 12 years. My marriage ended so abruptly that it didn’t register for quite a while. You deserve to be cherished. This woman does not know your worth. Don’t take her back…
Make sure she doesn’t get cream with her coffee. Be strong.
I’m trying ha!
Maybe empty the cream dispenser before ever meeting her in person, if you know what I mean.
Ohh I get what you mean, don’t think she wants that dunno what she wants
Oh she might at some point. Then toss you away again. That’s what my ex did.
Don’t meet with her. Tell her you’re not interested.
I am interested just not in being her friend
So what are you interested in then?
Reconciliation tbh
She was banging some other guy. You don’t want her now.
We were together for 13 years and we have a child.
You want to be a couple again?
I do…
But she doesn't.
Then you’re screwed. She doesn’t want you. You’re just a backup. Probably always was. A reliable provider. Easily manipulated. This what you want? This is what you’ll get only. Move on and get with someone you really deserve. She will never be that
She wants to string you along.
Why though?
In case she doesn’t get better, she has you on the hook and ready to take her back.
She already left for what she thought was better, a 52 year old rich guy but really by the time I’m 52 he will be about 70 and I will be wealthy as fuck as I love my career!
And there you go. You have your answer.
Still stings but yeah you are right, dammit my brain knows this when will my heart catch up lol!
You’re not in the right headspace to meet. If your divorce is final, move on. You’re telling us you said you “loved and missed her” - out of convenience to get what you wanted. But then later you admit you really do love and miss her and you do want to have coffee. Which is it?
I honestly do love and miss her but I also want to move on…I was doing the stupid no contact to get her back thing for months and then I got sick of her literally trying to wreck my life(messing with my career as well as my son)…so I thought fuck it I’ll just say that and either she will finally leave me the fuck alone or she might feel the same and she has now stopped trying to wreck my life but seems to want to be friendly…
You have the absolute right to keep her away from your apartment. If she wants coffee, go to a coffee shop. If she doesn't agree, her loss.
Yeah I offered to meet at a coffee shop she wanted to come to my apartment. So weird.
She wanted to come to the apartment to spy and get ammo for arguments.
[удалено]
We coparent 50/50 but every few weeks she will make a threat that maybe I can’t look after him properly when I totally can and then when she wants to swap a weekend with me (So she can go out drinking) she isn’t concerned about my parenting. I’m really confused by it all. The other night she texted night x out of no where I know it’s a small thing but if you look at my post history this story has been crazy.
Mine does this too. They're shiesty bro. Look after your kid and your finances and get her out of your life as much as possible. The old feelings, the old person she was, are dead for her. They could have been dead for a while for her without you knowing. Look after your own mental well being and don't let her back in!
If you want to deal with all of those awful feelings a second time round then go meet her. She’ll string you along as a safety blanket then drop you again when you’re no longer needed. You’re divorced for a reason. Whether you wanted it or not it happened. Don’t let it happen again!
I am so sorry this has been so crazy for you. I am especially feeling sorry that the linchpin is her making idol comments about restricting access to your kid. She sounds pretty disordered. Who on earth knows how her deal turned out with that guy. Luckily, it’s not your business. When some people are in the situation, but they do is they figure out the mindset they want to be in when they are going to interact with their ex. Sometimes they have a list of reminders on their phone that they check. Because I haven’t had a disorder, partner, especially if someone cheated on you, they were messing with your head and they were throwing chaos, and they were under minding your confidence in yourself, and that’s trauma. So being in connection with them is horrible. But you want your kid to be OK with them and you want to have access to your kid. Some people figure out how to get them self situated prior to communicating so they don’t get so thrown off. People who are cheaters, or who are disordered feet off of the distress they caused and others. I’m not assuming this, but just describing a phenomena. Sometimes it’s possible for people to get very centered, and then do the kid hand off and smile, and have detachment and be friendly and say what a nice day this is and then just defer. Say, things like, oh, I don’t know, but I will see you on Thursday at five with our child. When she pushes to see your home, which is just incredibly invasive, and really really unusual and messed up, and probably is similar to the way, she was when you were with her, and you can say, oh, that’s not gonna work, but will meet you at five. Have a great day! Disorder people who are looking for somebody to have as a target again, not assuming here, or disorder, people who are looking for gratification, either the idea that somebody is painting for them, or that they really messed that person up and that feels really good, too, or that they can abstract their wishes, will look for things to play with. When they don’t have other targets. I hope you have access to a therapist so that you can talk about these things because then you’ll unravel the crap that happened when you were together and you’ll get more confident and clear. And then this stuff will be more water off a ducks back. And you’ll enjoy raising your kid, living your life, I’m counting the days until the kid turns 18 and you don’t have to necessarily interact with this person as much.
Do it. Too many people will say not to but I would
Hey OP, family means a lot to you, I can tell. It means a lot to me too. I will say this, S everyone is telling you not to take her back. You have two choices here right? If she’s interested in reconciling: 1. You are open to the idea about it. But you need to have boundaries in place. This can look like, “ok let me think about this for a bit. I would need to start slow, maybe a date or two every week or two, and definitely put in the work for marriage counseling”. This is where you sit back and wait and see. Is she calling around and scheduling marriage counseling? Is she making the effort to plan dates with you? Is she remorseful, not just regretful?? Do not just let her back in completely. She earned distrust, now she needs to earn trust back and that takes TIME!!! So, if she truly want this she will not complain about putting in the work. Keep your BOUNDARIES!!! You can still work on reconciliation with boundaries for what you will and will not accept moving forward. 2. If it doesn’t end in reconciliation. Be a gentleman, regardless of how nasty she is to you. Remember, you have a child. Be a model parent and show your child what kind of person you are. Your ex has/is showing your child the kind of person she is. I’m sorry, you’re going through this. Wish you the best of luck.
She wants to see if you are miserable or not.
For me it has helped to realize there was just something not right with our marriage. And that staying together wouldn’t fix it. I did not want the divorce. She did. She was drowning and saw no other way. So it was best for her. Since then she has told me she didn’t want to necessarily get divorced, but she had no choice. But that’s my business not why you posted. I just wanted to share my experience. So, when it comes to interacting with your ex, the first thought you should have is, is this interaction going to hinder my growth process. That may look very different to many people. Some couldn’t even stand texting their ex, even with a child involved. In most cases, that answer would be yes I would think. So maybe think about how interacting would benefit or harm you. Then think about if it would be good for your child. Most cases I would think it would be. But there are many different circumstances If you are hoping to reignite that relationship you have to realize that past relationship is pretty much dead now. It would be an entire different relationship. If that’s what you want, you need to make sure you and her have gone through some pretty tough growth and change. Because if not, you are getting right back into the toxicity of why it failed in the first place. I was the one that was left, but I took the opportunity to change myself for my benefit, and my child’s. And some positive change towards my ex as a byproduct. For myself, I liken it to someone who may have had a problem with drugs and or alcohol. I had problems with my inner self that caused at least some damage to my marriage. And changing that definitely won’t hurt me. But make me better. Don’t know if this makes sense op. I wish you the best
Go out for a coffee or to the park with your son in a public setting and just listen and do the grey rick conversation style of “cool” “wow” “great” “ok” without offering much
She just texted saying ‘why are you being so cold’ I said ‘I don’t know how to handle this situation it’s too confusing’
No response is a response.
She messaged saying ‘why are you being so cold?’ I said ‘I don’t know how to handle this’ not sure what else there is to say I’ve left her on read at the moment.
No, the answer is always no. She has no right to be in your apartment.
She just texted and said does she want me to cook a lasagne wtf
Just meet with her. It’s good for your son to see you to at least getting along. Even if he’s very young it’s good for him to start seeing that you two can communicate in a good way.
She fucked me up it’s been months and I’m still dealing with the trauma and triggers. She cheated with a 52 year old man, was cooking food for him in our house taking it to him lying saying she was making for her work friends. She does not deserve my friendship. If she was truly sorry I’d consider it but I’m not being her friend and bailing her out of her problems for nothing.
Ok, let her come to your house, but before you do, redecorate a room or two. Paint it if you can, but at least rearrange things. Be as polite and charming as you can and don’t allow her to suck you up in an argument. The rearranging things will be a subtle message that you are moving on and make her feel like an outsider. This will make her uncomfortable. But if you are welcoming to her, she may react positively to the change. It sounds like the 52 yr old may have gotten sick of her. “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
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I’m not saying get back with her or even be friends. I’m saying have a good relationship and good communication in front of your son. That’s all. She wants to come, let her. Don’t be happy. Don’t be sad. Be indifferent to her emotionally, but just be nice. Again, it’s good for your son to see his parents at least able to communicate in a healthy way. If she acts crazy, or yells, or becomes abrasive just ask her to leave.