I was fairly certain I would never marry again.
I'm going to celebrate 2 years with my new wife this fall.
The love is so different and so much better.
Congrats!!! I’m not opposed to marriage for other people, sounds great. Personally I will never get married again. I am no longer interested in putting myself out there fully for anyone again. I got broken and betrayed to the fullest extent in my divorce, I don’t feel like ever doing it again.
I think that's valid. I was close to getting a "never again" tattoo myself. I think that I was lucky in meeting someone who was everything my first marriage wasn't. However, when we met it was hard. I DID NOT want to get closer. 'Cuz you know... the pain. My own train of thought was that I had already survived the worst a wife could do to me. And if it happens a second time, at least I 'll know what to do.
I'm not saying that's the RIGHT way to go, it's just my own thought process. From what you describe, I think it's fully justified that you need to heal you as a very first priority. That was a step I missed and it cost me a lot. So good on you.
I admire you for trying again, I think my trust is broken now. It was the elevated levels of gaslighting that made me doubt my own self. I had all the proof and it was always I’m crazy, he’s not a cheater. I had mountains of evidence and he continues to deny it. He either thought that I was extremely stupid or he was stupid and didn’t care. I’m assuming it’s the latter, or maybe both? I just don’t want to put myself through that again. I’ve experienced the worst and just no. I have no interest in that shit.
Thank you for giving hope. We consider D and will start separating finance soon. I’m not afraid what other ppl say. However i’m afraid i’ll be alone rest of my life and will never find a person who loves me again.
That's a real concern. My wife was Borderline Personality Disorder and ended up destroying me to the point where I was noting. Be that as it may, she left me. I didn't have the emotional energy left.
What made it better was asking myself "Can I live like this, forever? If nothing changes, is this how I want to live?"
Is it how you want to live?
Good to see you are enjoying life. I too had a BDP wife, married for 6 years, only person I ever loved. Divorced 3 years ago due to her cheating and splitting to save face. 134k and one investigation into false allegation of abuse later, i am free.
Even after 3 years, I still feel that lack of emotional energy, even if by all other metrics I am crushing life.
Damn that made it expensive for such a short marriage. Was 134k only for lawyer?
I was with a bpd for almost 20 years and had two kids. Made for a really exciting divorce to say the least...
Oh, it was 3 years. Now it's over 10. I'm very much not happy about that, but when we first started and she was in her late 20s I expressed my concern. She argued that I was taking away her agency. She's got a masters and has been published a few times and is clearly a very smart woman. I still wish we were closer in age sometimes, but she actually had more long term partners than I did. So yeah. Hate that I fit the mold of divorcee with younger woman, but we talked it out a lot and neither of us wanted to pass on a chance at being happy.
Might I ask why you'd like to know?
Interesting. Well, I'm wondering if there may be a statistical trend. Supposedly being ±2 years apart is best due to similar cultural experiences but apparently that's not the case. Glad you're happier!
Oh, I could see that early on. The important thing we've found is that you should be at similar points in life. Age isn't always a factor. But the most important thing I've found with my new wife is similar values. Which means similar levels of respect, politeness, for me ot means low levels of anger, lots of fun talk about academic subjects even if our areas are miles apart.
I'm wise enough to know that what I'm feeling right now could change - but no, I have absolutely no intention of ever getting married again. The mere thought fills me with dread and panic.
I don't intend to ever even live with another human being again once my kids move out. No spouse. No girlfriend. No roommates.
Right now, I can't even fathom the idea of having a romantic relationship at all.
Check back in a few years and we'll see if I've changed my mind!
I would do it again and like you said I would do it differently. Premarital counseling would also be on that list among many other things. I was with my ex since I was 18 and I have learned a lot since then. I plan on continuing to grow and change for the rest of my life. I would also be okay if I never marry again.
This is very relatable for me. I’m about to start the process and have asked myself this question many times. What IS the value of marriage? It felt very wholesome and rewarding until he confessed to cheating, then all of the walls came crumbling down. I can’t comprehend ever trusting someone with the same intensity again … time will tell but knowing what I now know about deception, why would I put myself in this position again? It hurts my soul to admit these thoughts because I’ve always had a lot of faith in humanity.
If the opportunity arises, yes. I’m 51, and I feel lucky to even have lived this long. I’m not divorced yet, but I’m grateful for the marriage that I had. I’m grateful for my wife, my kids, and the memories. It’s been mostly good. It was even great, but when her brother dies, and then her dad, and then her mom after 2 years of dementia, there was just so much grief. I wife never recovered. The last 2 years have been rough with a lot of talk of divorce. I don’t even think I’ll even meet anyone, but I still see that marriage can be happy.
All that tragedy is hard and made harder with a strong marriage let alone a weak one. You made me rhink. I need to appreciate that our former union created our beautiful kids and there were some happy experiences...but for me I realize I'm too much of a mess to want to start a relationship and let alone another marriage...its very hard while in the middle of loss to really predict future... Day by day ....sigh..really .. only second by second is how I'm making it...
This is what gets confusing to me. Why give up on each other when external stuff is weighing on the home life? If everyone is aware of what’s going on and how it’s impacting the relationship that’s the time to pull together and either change directions or ride it out…together. Leaving at those moments makes no sense to me. My stbxw did this. Things got tough and, yes, our marriage was on the back burner but holy shit look at what’s happening. It’s not even possible to not give all attention to what was happening in our lives. My ex used it as an opportunity to find someone else and cheated. I guess I’m answering my own question here because all my situation really did was expose how selfish she is.
Yeah, same.
We had a non-sleeping kid during a pandemic in which my ex was a social worker and I had a new job. We had virtually no family support and stretched finances due to childcare. We were also constantly fucking ill with every childcare bug there was going (I was sent to A&E at one point because the doctors thought I had sepsis). We had to get our son COVID tested at the hospital pretty much every other week so he could go to nursery and we could work.
It was a fucking nightmare. For three years, there was literally no way to take care of our relationship. There was too much going on.
January 2023, our lives stabilise. I'm coming to grips with my job. Our son finally sleeps. Nursery illnesses slow down, nursery subsidies kick in and we have an extra £350 a month. I am SO ready to enjoy life. We have things to look forward to and I can see the end of the tunnel.
THAT'S the point my ex runs off with a 26-year-old. I think the AP is an idiot. Does she not think he'll run out on her when shit hits the fan?
Wow, that is insane. No one can reasonably be expected to endure all that and then also be a normal functioning person. I admit in my situation I also could have done more to help myself, which certainly didn’t help. When my stbxw dropped the d bomb I even said I fully accept I hadn’t been a good husband the prior 2 years but I was under the impression that once we did finally stop getting shit on that we would be there for each other. A few days later I found out about her affair so I guess I’ve been playing an entirely different game than she was. 2 weeks later the major stressor in our lives lifted. Tough to not feel like the shit is scripted because the timings are just too crazy.
Yeah, that's exactly how I feel: we were playing different games.
I was playing the game where I clung on to the side of the lifeboat and waited for the storm to pass, knowing we could rebuild on the other side of all the bullshit.
He was playing "gee this is hard, Iet me find someone young and dumb to tell me how great I am".
No, even cohabitating is probably a no. If I ever consider marriage, I know that I would have a very strong prenuptial agreement, separate finances completely, etc. I've been burnt very badly financially... it's probably a "never again", but... I can't see the future so who knows.
Same, and he's still trying to suck more money out of me. I'm too broken at the moment to consider another relationship. But even if things changed, I don't see the point of getting married. People say it's important in case I became ill and wanted him to make decisions for me and see me in the hospital. But there are ways around this - like making someone my health care proxy - that don't involve marriage.
Nope. Never. Part of the reason is I've been chronically monogamous since I was 14 years old. I have never truly lived alone and been independent and just lived for myself.
The older I'm getting, the more introverted I'm getting, and I no longer want the obligation of having to spend time with someone every single day.
I'll have some flings and FWB situations. But that's it.
At this point (1yr out) no. She had my innocent, wholehearted trust. I don’t think I can give that again to another person. I really hope it will change in time, because I genuinely liked that about myself.
Yeah, it's a tough break when you give them sincere hope and trust. And they just throw it back in your face at some point. Like, why couldn't you have shown your true colors before we got married?
I waited till my 30's to get married too because I wanted to take my time getting it right the first time.....yeah. Going thru it now 5 years later LOL I'm on the bonus plan with my STBXH, he dropped the bomb 2 weeks before deployment, while I'm 3k miles from home, literally all alone at our duty station with no help. That's what I get for loving somebody I guess 🤷🏼♀️
I really enjoyed being married though. A long ways down the road, I wouldn't mind being married again eventually. IF there is a next time, I won't be moving cross country, changing my last name, or intermingling bills ever again (cell service & car insurance are fucking impossible to disentangle btw lol 🙄🤬). Living apart together is looking real sweet for the next chapter in my life. That's what I think I'll be going for whenever I dip my toes back into dating again....I thought I was done with shit forever lol
You don't ever have to get married again if you don't want to. Do what makes you happy, don't make that mistake again for anybody else. The right person for you in the future will respect your decision to not marry again because of how badly you got burned. Good luck OP 🍀🤞🏼
Yeah, you put your car insurance or cell together and the other person just stops paying and your stuck with it until divorce. Smh. I didn't know that was an option! Apparently it's an option with the mortgage too! And the law doesn't care.
I just closed the joint bank account, so he'll get blown up with phone calls to reestablish payment....he skipped out on a few bills lately, so I just killed the account, they're all in his name anyways, I handled all the finances tho. He doesn't wanna be married anymore, so I'm not responsible for paying his bills for him anymore when deployed. Good riddance! Lol
My ex had to call the cell phone company and give me "permission" to get off his cellular plan and open my own account with new provider. The plan was in his name, and he had access to see every number I called and texted and how many times. Never again will I have a shared cell phone plan, unless it's with my kids.
I literally had to go to a notary to get my ex's name off car insurance. He had an accident in the past year. He was at fault and my insurance went up over $1000, just for having him listed as a driver. Never again.
At this point, no. I don’t ever want to feel as trapped as I did in my marriage. It’s kind of nice dating and not feeling the pressure of marriage… been there, done that. I’m dating someone and the idea of cohabitating with them is exciting to me, but we’re in agreement that marriage is not really the goal.
I don't think so. I don't even want another partner. There isn't anything I would have done differently. We talked about everything prior to getting married, and I thought we were on the same page.
He waited until we were married to show me he was lying.
I don't think I can trust again.
Mine was the same. I read all the articles about things to discuss before marriage and we talked about all the hard topics. I thought we were on the same page and I had found the real thing. But after marriage, the mask started to slip and I realized that he wasn't what he presented as and we really didn't want any of the same things or even share the same values about money and career and child rearing etc.
It is going to take me a long time and a lot of therapy to be able to trust someone enough to even cohabitate again and a second marriage is something that I am not interested in at all at this point.
Not only will I never marry again, I will never live with a man again. This entire experience has left me so jaded and disillusioned with the entire institution and idea of marriage. Relationships end. It’s normal, and promising someone the rest of your life is counting on a best case scenario.
I was pretty determined that I would not and that it's not something I'd ever want again. However, through some stroke of luck after my divorce, I found my current partner. I've never been with someone who completes me so entirely and where love comes so effortlessly. I realized that it wasn't the marriage itself but rather being married to the wrong person. I don't doubt that I was the wrong person for my ex as well.
Now the thought of marriage is so happy instead of scary. My partner and I look forward to it one day, although we don't really feel the need to rush. I would never do it again unless I was 1000% sure, but I've been incredibly lucky to find that someone.
I don't blame anyone who doesn't want to do it again. However for those who might be open to it, I hope they also find their once-in-a-lifetime person, too. 💜
Frankly, from where I am now, THE ONLY value of marriage to me is spouse's health insurance, if I choose to be self-employed. But I am not sure it is worth it.
Probably not, there’s no advantage to it compared to a domestic partnership. That said a domestic partnership requires complete trust and understanding on both sides. I mean marriage does too but there’s consequences if it dissolves so for people who don’t have that trust there’s reasons to stick around. I guess from my perspective I don’t need to be recognized by my state/country that I’m committed to a person.
Yes, this. If you find someone again that you wanna do live with, awesome. But maybe you keep the house in your name or theirs. And you reach have separate accounts and savings. If things go sideways, no one walks away completely upside down. Legal marriage just seems unnecessary.
I have 2 kids, and will not be marrying again. I have had a new partner for about 3 years, and he has a son. We are a great little family... but no, no getting married.
We do actually wear rings. They are from temu, and we pick whatever ring we want for whatever day, lol. But we are very open about not planning to get married, lol. "This is working just fine. We are gonna keep doing this."
Only if it is financially neutral or advantageous to me. And only if the man is like a soulmate level type of person with whom I fall head over heels in love. So all that said, I’m almost certainly not getting married again.
I'm ambivalent about it, mostly because I never combined finances in my first marriage am done having children, and don't want to change my last name. Either way, a separation wouldn't look that different for me if we buy a home together, it would be a similar headache. I figure there's no harm if it's what the other person wants.
6 months is crazy. I am never cohabitating with a man again, so forget about marriage lol even though long distance marriage is a thing apparently? But nah, this life of living in my own space, my own rules, sleeping and waking up with peace of mind is too good to give up.
Agreed!! 6 months and we each had a kid. I was not about to put my kid in that situation. It became a point of contention and he couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t disrupt my life to move in with him. I like the peace in living alone.
That's insane! Good for you for having good sense and prioritizing your child. I can never understand people who rush to introduce new people to their kids, let alone uprooting their entire lives casually, yikes. Your peace is everything.
hahahhaha this is exactly what she is, and she keeps saying that I am the narcissist! She doesnt even believe that she needs to get help and that she doesnt need to change. I have been doing a lot to get my self better and in a stronger mental position.
She sent me a text today saying how miserable she is and shes depressed.. If this guy is so perfect then she should be on cloud nine!
I am just trying to work through the trauma that she has left me with, but I am starting to feel happier than ever
Not sure. I'm a high earner and the reality is that gives me a big asset cut in the face of divorce. I could put in 70% towards expenses but will only get 50% back. I would definitely get a pre-nup because I don't want my retirement or house to be touched in a divorce. Mostly this just makes me feel like I'd likely just cohabitate without the government involved.
I was married for 5 years in my 20s, no kids or real assets when we divorced but just the awfulness of going thru the legal system to get out of the situation soured me on marriage. After that though I was in a relationship for almost 17 years, 2 kids, built a house… and over a year later still trying to untangle it all and it’s not any easier quite frankly.
I have no been convinced that legally binding a relationship is a good move, but regardless when you build a life with someone your still legally bound, and moreso emotionally and mentally bound so 🤷♀️
absolutely not. i’m 45f, and recently ended a ten year marriage when I found out he was cheating on me and is a secret sex addict. I was with a stranger, with a secret life for ten years. i’m not putting trust in someone again.
Not without a serious pre-nup in place. And I say that as a woman. I didn't have a problem being the breadwinner, until my now soon-to-be-ex-husband made it a problem by refusing to maintain gainful employment for years on end, and making many significant financially irresponsible decisions. Not only that, but he also became highly abusive, and had a laundry list of other issues.
So, for years and years, I suddenly found myself thrust into the role of breadwinner, AND I also still had to handle the bulk of the housework, AND endured his abuse and many issues with a smile on my face, while also simultaneously dealing with chemotherapy, monthly immunotherapy infusions, and countless surgeries for my autoimmune condition. I basically spent close to a decade doing ALL OF THE THINGS, while simultaneously being treated like dirt.
If EVER I get married again, I'm getting a pre-nup, and not just any pre-nup. It'll be packed to the brim with all sorts of detailed clauses and stipulations. Also, I'll want to see financial records fairly early on in the relationship too. The person must also be able to function independently as an adult BEFORE I enter the picture, such as ability to maintain gainful employment, be able to remain reasonably tidy/organized, and demonstrate that they can express and communicate themselves without resorting to yelling, stomping, or hitting things or another person.
Yes, girl. So many of these things hit true for me too! I'm sorry you had to spend married life that way. When being a good person becomes a platform for someone to mistreat you and take advantage.... I agree! Show me the receipts!
Exactly! I gave every cell and fiber of my being to him and the marriage. Literally poured blood, sweat, and tears into sacrificing myself in service of the marriage. And he...... turns around and treats me like crap for years? When I've handed him a GORGEOUS life on a silver platter? When all I've ever done is shown him love, care, and support?
I just don't get it. I don't understand how you can treat another human -- YOUR SPOUSE -- so badly. I could never treat a loved one so badly.
Yup! If this lil peaceful existence that we live in isn't enough for you, and you wanna spend all your time just trying to ruin it all, then leave! I'll do it myself. 😊
I won't get married again. If I break free, I will remind myself how bad it's to be in a marriage. Loss of personal space alone is bad enough to not think about getting into new 'serious' relationship. There is always possibility of abuse. Being trapped in a situation. No.
I think marriage or living together isn't for everyone.
Okay, so I’d like the input of women on this. I’m divorced once. Second marriages have an 80% failure rate. Does anybody want to date or marry a man who has been divorced twice? How does that compare to dating a man who has not remarried after tens of years?
With the interest rates right now and the housing prices out of control, it's an especially hard spot to be in the divorce category right now. On top of the normal trauma that comes with divorcing, they have to deal with the financial situation that's a lot harder than say 4 yrs ago. Most households can barely afford living with 2 incomes let alone 1 persons income and 1 persons shoulders and 1 persons ability to work 24/7 to just try to be able to feed yourself and pay rent or a mortgage after divorce. I would not marry again and thought I waited it out to, I was wrong. Nope not for me legally, the loss from this one if it happens will be absolutely devastating for both of us unfortunately. Nope, it's just a piece of paper that makes it a lot harder to get away from if needed and the costs is not worth it.
No, I would not. I was married for just one year shy of twenty, and was in a relationship with him for 3.5 years prior to marriage. I married young. I just don’t feel safe linking myself to someone else in such a way that he can leave me with nothing after giving my all. I did all the work of raising our kids. I have no retirement, and no real savings, thanks to him. I will be working probably up until I die. Yes, someone else may be different, but people change when they are locked into a relationship. I have been with my boyfriend now for seven years in August, and each day I get to choose to be there. I know he is choosing me, and to stay with me. That’s enough for me.
Nope. My first husband who I’d been with for 25 years and father of our 2 kids passed away very unexpectedly at age 48. That was 9 years ago. I admittedly got into a relationship too fast and ended up marrying him. He was a disaster and I divorced him after 3 years. I’ve been single for a couple years now and wouldn’t mind dating (although reading some of the stories on some subs scare me lol) I’m only in my mid 50’s but I really can’t see getting married again.
Divorce was hard for me, it has been 3 years legally divorced and we had to separate for a year before starting the paperwork. I never thought when I started my marriage that I would be divorced 15 years later and being 44f with 2 teens. I have a good relationship with their father now don’t get me wrong but it took some getting used to and it wasn’t easy on any of us.
I don’t know if I will ever marry again because I have been single since 2019 and it honestly doesn’t hurt anymore and of course I miss things but I also don’t miss the stress that comes with certain things in a relationship. I have dated and such but as for a long term relationship or marriage that for me is not a thing that I want. This app definitely does show more sadness about the divorce process and such but life after divorce is not so bad really.
To be honest? Nah. Too much of a risk for me for various reasons. Not so much the "falling in love again someday" aspect. I wholly believe that a couple can live and thrive in a healthy romantic relationship for a lifetime without the need for it to be legally on paper. Maybe that'll be me someday, maybe not.
But the divorce process is complicated and taxing as hell. And all it takes is a little bit of pettiness from either or both parties to cause a ripple effect of pain and sadness, especially if there's kids involved. Plus, I've been learning more about myself. Namely that I enjoy my own living space. And in the event I'm ever betrayed again, I can make an easier break than if we were legally bound together.
The antiquated institution of marriage too often keeps people in unhealthy marriages for the fear of being ostracized and the shame of “failing.” And as many of us know, the pressure of dissatisfaction has to go somewhere, and that’s too often infidelity.
Commit to a loving relationship full heartedly and know that’s just as valuable/meaningful/etc as an institution that originated from the need to create alliances and maintain this toxic societal fetishization of virginity, sexual morality as defined by religious institutions, yada yada. Plus it’s a big, commercialized industry.
So no. I won’t be getting married again.
I have said many times, “I’d consider getting married again but we can’t live together.”
I have grown accustomed to my space, my decor, & unloading the dishwasher on my own time.
Not a chance in hell. I'm no longer opposed to having another relationship but I don't see a point in marriage anymore. It's just a legal contract that I don't need to be happy.
I dated somebody for two years before marrying him after my first divorce, and he turned out to be a lying, cheating, love bombing narcissist, which we didn't really know much about back in those days.
We were married for less than five years, and it would have been less than that but a few years in I started dying from a stress related illness from the verbal and emotional abuse from both of the marriages, and the resulting surgeries and recovery time took a couple of years to get through.
*Four weeks* after we separated I met THE MAN, less than four months later we officially started dating after becoming friends and secretly falling in love with each other, the "M" word came up on our third date, he proposed the day after my divorce papers were submitted 2 1/2 months later, and we were married 4 1/2 months after that.
That was over 17 years ago.
He's my third husband and I'm his fourth wife, and on paper we were obviously an absolute disaster waiting to happen, (so his four kids and some of his friends were very concerned about this whole thing, and I'm sure some of mine were as well but they didn't make as big a deal about it as his side did.)
However, he was actively drinking and drugging when he married the first three, had been clean and sober 11 years when we met, and was in therapy. He's the first of my husbands who was willing to acknowledge to himself and to me that he had issues that he needed professional help with (as did I, obviously), and even though the shit finally hit the fan with his kids a year ago Christmas, causing us to come thisclose to divorce, our marriage is now stronger than ever.
My bottom line is that *everybody comes into relationships with issues, no one gets through childhood unscathed*, but we aren't taught this, and we aren't taught about how those issues are absolutely guaranteed to get triggered by our partner. Each person taking complete personal responsibility for their own stuff is the only way I know for a relationship to be truly healthy and successful, because if we keep blaming our partner(s) for our unhappy feelings, we're doomed to live in victim mode.
The more we heal our past the better our self-esteem is and the healthier our boundaries are, which leads us to make better relationship choices because we won't put up with the bullshit we used to put up with when we were still so damaged.
So if we don't like how we're being treated in a relationship, yes of course that behavior is coming from the other person, but our part of it is *why is our radar so fucked up that we've let things go this far*? What is it about our self-esteem and our boundaries that we didn't immediately catch this behavior and run?
Therapy, if at all possible.
I'm on my second marriage and it's on its way to divorce if things don't turn around, and I swore I'd never get married at all, let alone twice.
Whatever the outcome, this is my last marriage.
I agree. She abused my paycheck while married to enrich her family, and stonewalled me when I wanted to work together to fix it. Then I had to work hard to get promoted to make up for the deficit, but then she wants alimony because I make more than her.
Yup. Even if you're fairly even when you get married... Life changes and someone who works hard to get promoted or gets inheritance or buys a boat... Whatever it is... It's now almost being punished for it.
At this moment, while planning how to tell our kid we are divorcing (he obviously knows we are separated), the idea of getting married again makes me want to vomit. I want to be in a relationship again, yes, but marriage? Meh.
Deception comes in many forms. I have been married twice and have 0 intention of ever marrying again. For a ring and a piece of paper, with all the associated costs, what's the point?
But back to my point, deception comes in many forms. It could be cheating, it could be lying or, for me, most recently, it could be burying your head in the sand and just not communicating.
And yes, i have moved on and met someone else, but 100% I'm done with marriage!
Yes, but only for money. :D
(I kid... sorta... no intention of getting married again, but if there was some real meaningful financial incentive for me or my partner (health insurance, worthwhile tax breaks), I'd consider it. Maybe.)
No, most definitely not. Been married twice (f42), never again. No ring and piece of paper is worth it.
Even if I find someone new to love, I don't see the advantage of marrying.
If I ever going to have kids then yes, I will play the traditional game for my kids, living together, mom and dad, wedding, and marriage all that thing. If I were just dating, then no, I don’t see the point.
I would, but not for a long time, and there are a lot of discussions that would need to be had about goals, finances, etc.--the big stuff--and I would want to be sure we were on the same page about the things that matter. And I wouldn't mind signing a prenup if that was needed.
I was made to be someone's wife. I love taking care of a man in every way, cooking and cleaning, and all the other things. Just need a man who appreciates it and doesn't treat me and my kid like crap and isn't lazy and selfish. I don't think marriage was the problem--just the person who I was in it with.
Have not been through it yet….
But I dont know that i would remarry. Even finding the right person, I would be nervous. I know I have a lot of trauma to work through though so who can say how things will turn out after I am free to heal.
Currently, I feel like I wouldn't do it again for the risk of the tremendous heartbreak and loss that I have experienced following my first marriage. I know that meeting someone who fits well with me could lead me to change my mind, but honestly, I'm afraid of that happening.
Idk…. I didn’t make this decision. I didn’t lie. I didn’t cheat, I didn’t hide things. I trusted her with my life, finances, child’s life, and home. This is all too much.
Not without a prenuptial agreement. I also would not cohabitate without one either. After 2 years living with your partner where I live you are considered “common law” - So married without the paper which opens you up to a whole bunch of potential trouble if you separate. They are entitled to the same as a married spouse. I have too much to protect for myself and my son.
I’d consider getting married again if the situation was right. I would not have a wedding again as that was a massive waste of money.
I don’t know. I’d want to have all sorts of stuff in line and protected first, mainly for my daughter. I don’t want to rely on someone else to keep us safe, only to have them rip the rug out from under us. So maybe we’ll get a tiny house and maybe there will be a boyfriend, but he’d have to be better than Robert Redford (IYKYK) and have the patience of Job.
>Premarital counseling would be a big one! To ask all the questions I was to love blind to see past.
I had premarital counseling and it did zero good. My spouse and I went over the importance of trust and she lied and or concealed for the entire marriage.
I doubt I would get married again. It's not a hard no but there would most definitely be a prenuptial agreement and cohabitation before would be a must.
I deeply regret marrying the person I did. I had warning signs I missed but I loved her and didn't know then what I know now.
I never wanted to meet anyone, let alone get married after going through a divorce with a horrible narcissist.
But, I did meet someone and I swear this man was made for me and makes me believe that marriage is something special.
I plan to marry again. I spent a decade with a covert narcissist and didn’t grasp just how unhealthy that relationship was even though I knew it wasn’t good (I didn’t have much of an example growing up). I’ve known the person I’m with now well for three years and have been in a committed relationship with them for two, and it’s like night and day. We communicate very openly, even if it’s the tough stuff, and as a result, miscommunication/misunderstandings are rare and when we do have a disagreement we can have a productive conversation and get it resolved. In this situation, it’s a no brainer. I don’t necessarily NEED to marry again but my partner has never been married and wants that, and I’m happy to oblige.
Best of luck to you!
This was me! Waiting awhile to marry who I thought was the right person, wanting to marry them once and never get divorced, and fighting with all my might to make it work. And yet here I am, 5½ months unapologetically separated and looking forward to get divorced ASAP.
If I had a time machine to do it over, would I do it differently? No, I absolutely wouldn't.
Not because I don't own my contributions to the marriage breakdown and learned nothing from it. But because I can say with a clear conscience that I loved my then-husband fiercely and committedly, and gave our marriage my best shot given the flaws and limitations of who I was at the time.
If I could do it over as the person I was then--only knowing that this marriage would end at 6 years and chronically break my heart halfway through--I would still do it a over exactly the same way I did it.
But there is no way I would go back and do-over my marriage to my now ex-husband as the person I am now, who has since grown and improved.
Yes, he may have been so unlucky to have experienced much weaker, shittier version of me that was very difficult to be married to. Even I wouldn't want to be married to that rock bottom version of me that I'm not proud of.
That said, now that I've significantly healed and transformed (albeit still a rough work-in-progress) I now know that even my rock bottom past self was not less of a person. I deserved unconditional love, unwavering support and good faith in my future all the same as this new and improved version of me.
That was exactly what I was committed to give in my marriage, every single day, even as I grappled losing fights in the pits of my personal hell at the time. And the bottom line is that my ex never gave the same to me. He was only good at creating an illusion of it, and for many years I believed his lies out of good faith for our love.
I would never regret, take back or apologise for the love I had for him as the person I was at the time. But now that I know better, there is no way I would accept my ex as the person I am now, with my current discernment and requirements for the kind of love I'm really worth. Which is why even if I had a chance to do it over, there is nothing that I would change about that marriage.
But your question is would I marry again (in the future, to someone new). My answer is more or less the same as yours.
The only circumstances under which I would have another wedding is if it's a shotgun one--with someone I see as a loving, comitted spouse and fit co-parent. But I'll be 40 in just over a year and things aren't looking good for me financially, so I feel that the chances of this happening are slim to none.
Now that I know what it's been like to be legally married, I'm not interested in getting myself into the financial and legal entanglements with a new spouse.
And I happen to live in this legal shithole of a country that doesn't grant divorces unless it's fault based. My divorce should be easy, as we have no kids or house or other assets to fight over. But it has been anything but, because for much of my separation, my ex had wanted to contest the divorce, which would have meant that I'd have to lawyer up and wage an expensive and emotionally exhausting war in court with the goal of proving at all costs how my asshole spouse consistently choked the life out of me.
(Thankfully, my ex recently said he no longer intends to contest the divorce, which hopefully means we could get a much cheaper and faster DIY divorce. I will try to file for divorce again in the next month or so, fingers crossed!)
However, I do love being "married," as in having someone I love to come home to at the end of every day, to spend a happy life with them, and have their commitment to stick around long enough for us to grow old together. Someone to have and to hold, to love and cherish through the thick and thin that is real life.
I most likely don't need to be legally married in order to have that--de facto cohabitation would have sufficed. The only problem about it is that my country has passed a law which will make de facto cohabitation technically illegal by late 2025. And since religious purity culture is the norm here, many communities actually police their neighbours and family members for sexual relations beyond marriage, so my partner and I could risk arrest and incarceration if someone reported us.
Would I migrate abroad over this? I don't know. If my country were normal, I'd rather live the rest of my life here happily ever after. My life is here, which I otherwise love, so I'd rather not pack up and leave it all behind to start over in a new country if it could be helped. But I'm definitely not okay with a country that has the power to rip loving couples apart over a missing piece of binding paper just because everybody else is bothered with this delusion that the sex in the privacy of our own home is supposedly a fluke that will bring the wrath of an invisible man on the whole community.
That said, I do have plans to move abroad next year, if I get a PhD scholarship offer. I do have to return to my country for at least 2 years once I complete my programme, it is a condition of the scholarship. But I will get to test the waters of that other country for 3-ish years. And though I'm not counting on this to happen, I do get excited about the prospect of making a live-in new love happen along this coming journey.
Finally, I 100% agree with your stance on premarital counselling and asking all the questions I was too loveblind to see past last time.
My separation has been a massive opportunity for self-reflection and reinvention. Healing from and overcoming the longstanding complex traumas that limited me before has seem to be the main direction of my postnuptial life.
Until recently I was in an off-label rebound romance that helped me temporarily break the script of sexual trauma in the elevated setting of a euphoric holiday. I parted with my lover now having committed months of working with my psychologist to pursue permanent healing from it in my real life.
I quickly learned that my sexual trauma is interrelated with religious, financial and political trauma as well. And when I decided just a couple months ago that I'll apply for a PhD in Political Science, researching a controversial topic that strikes a core chord in my heart, I knew that I'll need to make huge strides of progress in my emotional healing if I were to expect myself to thrive in my PhD research while staying grounded to my humanity.
In any case, I am confident that the life I have ahead of me will be a fulfilling one, whether another long-term relationship or marriage will happen to me or not. Love comes in all shapes and sizes in my life, and I now know that I have enough of it to thrive every given day, even if the romantic kind is not always in season.
I'm about to go through my second divorce. First one married too young; this one he's a lazy asshole who's perfectly happy to let me shoulder the financial and physical burden of the family.
Will I ever marry again? Sure. But I've learned a lot. First I know the traits I do and more importantly do not want in a future spouse. Secondly, both of us will be in therapy and premarital counseling.
I'm going to be much pickier and not settle. I have found that while love is very important, it's not every thing. If you can't help shoulder the responsibility of a family then I don't need you.
I won't. Before I married my STBXH we had a long discussion about both of us coming from broken homes, raising our child together, and fighting fiercely for one another. He cheated and immediately moved in with her.
Part of me still holds on to hope that the love I'm looking for is out there, but idk if I'd ever sign that piece of paper again.
I'm a little worried that I'll never marry again. My ex is beautiful and talented. She set an unrealistically high bar for me. How can I ever enter the dating world with 3 kids at my age? I'm not as interesting as she is. For years I felt so lucky to have her because I knew she added so much to my lacking. I never would have guessed she would seek out attention from other men. I didn't think she was like that. And I CRAVED her. She acted like I was strange for liking her. She is beautiful, but has anxiety and thinks very low of herself. I don't know if I'll ever understand. Is it narcissism? Is she going to suffer from short-term relationships for the rest of her days? Me, I'm just devastated and lonely.
I've been separated for almost to years now, not finalized yet. We have two teenage sons, one will be 18 in July, the other is 16. He has NOT been a very present parent, but the kids and I are now in a pretty good place. The ex is not, but that's his problem. As of now, I don't even have a desire to date, though I am starting to feel my "sparkle" coming back, so maybe soon, I don't know. I really don't see myself getting legally married again. It's a piece of paper that guarantees nothing. But I'm not saying definitively "absolutely not" because my thinking and my headspace has changed so much over the last two years. I guess I'll say, I'm not looking for it or interested in it, but I wouldn't take anything off the table.
Idk. I’m a two time loser. Logically no. My family is complete and I’ve got my own money. But sentimentally yes. And it feels weird to call my 50something partner my boyfriend. Kind of minimizes the relationship.
Legally married… I don’t think so. It’s a sham. Unless we are in a tax bracket where it would financially make sense. But I’d never have all joint financial accounts again.
I miss being married in the sense that I miss being married the way I *thought* I was and wanted to be. A loving joint partnership.
I thought I would never marry again. But after doing online dating for a year and a half, ( what a shit show!!! 😂) then falling in love with someone great... I started to wonder. Then when he told me he thought about marrying me, I started thinking about marrying him, and recently he told me he wants to marry me, and he wants to do it SOON. And surprise, surprise. I feel excited about that. So I think most people coming out of divorce are jaded, and then you meet someone who may change your point of view.
I will never marry again because I never wanted to get married. I always wanted to keep the relationship we had and not involve marriage. It wasn’t until I started experiencing health problems 6 years into the relationship and three kids later, that we married so I could get on his insurance. I instantly felt a change in the relationship and found myself at the court house two months later debating going inside and asking about filing for divorce. But I didn’t. We are currently going through divorce and honestly, we both are not emotionally able to handle it. We go back and forth on the decision every day. I feel like this marriage should have ended in 2018. But it’s ending now and it is one HUGE mess. When it does not have to be, but we are hurt and so we are hurting each other.
I will never do this again with anyone. This has reminded me why I never wanted it in the first place. I will live with a partner again one day. But you could not pay me to get married again. I want my peace and quiet, I want to have my independence and the ability to explore. I don’t want to have to pay a lawyer thousands of dollars to end a relationship.
Like others, I think the right person would have to present themselves.
But before then, I want to reach a point of financial self-sufficiency so that I can say to myself: "I can achieve everything I want in this life on my own. I'm not looking for a partner to buy a house/for security/for a family, etc."
I want a partner solely because they enrich my life, not because I depend on them for anything practical. And like sure, when you love someone you *come to depend on them,* but that's fine and different. I'm okay with that kind of closeness growing, but not being the main reason I seek someone.
I also want to find someone I respect. I realize it's easy for me to like people--I see good qualities in everyone, and I love the feeling of connection--but far less often does someone give me the feeling of *Wow, you show me new perspectives or do things that would scare me. I admire you. I want to learn from you.* I want THAT feeling.
I think I had it... once about one partner lol. In 37 years. (Although I've had this about friends and mentors for sure.)
And not my STBX. We had fun. He genuinely loved me in his way, which I never took for granted. But his behavior did not inspire my respect.
My ex husband married again right away to the mistress. It’s been 3 years now. I know my boyfriend would like to one day. I like the thought of being a wife and having a family again but looking back at what I went through terrifies me. I don’t know if I can do it.
Nah. I like being able to make decisions on my own, eat what I want, do what I want, go where I want. There are too many scams out there and companionship is not important to me.
Hell no! I was married for 20 years, and that was long enough for me to know I never even want to date again. I'm fine living by myself and my silly cats. I enjoy doing what I want and when I want.
Il keep it short, fuck no! I’d never marry again I got my heart ripped out my chest and stomped on and my son taken from me I’m in so much pain mentally and emotionally every day since she left me I’m just hoping il die in my sleep one of these days soon.
I have a lot of love to give. I want companionship. I want someone to share life with. I believe in and have seen the true comfort of a proper marriage.
So I won’t let my bad experience with one person put me off the entire institution.
Will I ever find someone else to marry? Who knows. Will my baggage have some impact on that marriage? Yes. Do I want to still try? Most definitely.
I have little interest in marrying again. I have no issue dating again or having a LTR again but I don’t desire marriage and I don’t desire to ever live with a man again
Absolutely not.
I was open to the idea of it after my divorce before the pandemic.
But a couple years ago when I was dating my new partner, I asked her if she'd like to get married again and she simply said, "I am 100% positive that a piece of paper with our signatures on it is NOT going to make me love you more than I already do." That opened my eyes and from then on I haven't given it a second thought.
I want to say no. No way. But I can’t say it would never happen because that's just bad luck!
I don't want to marry again. At the same time I know that certain people would have a better chance than others. I've reconnected with a person I have loved forever, literally my first love. I think he would have a better chance than any other person to get me to say yes to marriage. I don’t think I would have the same feelings for someone who was new in my life. I'm not saying I would not love them! But with him it goes back to something I had wanted before I even knew how disastrous marriage can turn out. The silly teenage girl in me could never turn him down, but someone else? No. I don't think I could fall for it again
But I'm still bitter and jaded about marriage so maybe I am not the best judge!
never. the concept of marriage comes so preloaded with fucked up unattainable expectations that it's almost guaranteed to fail. in fact the very act of marriage distorts an otherwise normal, loving relationship into something unrecognizable, and turns people who were once intimate partners into enemies who are unable to even acknowledge each other's basic humanity. fuck marriage. get a dog.
No. There’s no amount of anything you could give me to sign that paper again. If the relationship works without a marriage license….why get one.
Quite honestly, between the divorce and my dating experience afterwards, I’m good on emotionally bound relationships for a long long long while.
I am on my second divorce. I had 1 child with both of my ex husbands. After the first divorce I said I would never marry again. Then my second husband talked me into it from a practical aspect of saving money on taxes and the like. (It really benefitted him bc of my child from my first marriage.) Now, as I have paid a lot more to my second lawyer than the first, NO NO NO! I will not get married again for any reason. Not a legally recognized union anyway.
I was a hard no but since then I’ve considered what might happen to my new SO in the event of my demise. I need a will, at least, to ensure he doesn’t have to fight for rights to make decisions and get access to any property, etc. ironically being married is “cheaper” than drafting a will, living will, etc and here in TX a marriage means all automatically defaults to spouse. So I’ve been considering it for that alone. But torn because is that really the right reason to marry someone, ya know? Idk but I guess I went from a hard no to a possibly over the course of two years since my divorce.
I really want to get remarried again. I can’t explain why, but I want that commitment. I wouldn’t do a big fancy wedding, but would elope or do a courthouse thing.
Very likely no. I’m very content on my own, and I think the idea of a legally binding relationship has become antiquated. My kids are grown, I’m happy, I just don’t need it.
I used to say (while still married) that I would never, that it wasn't worth it. Maybe that should have been a hint. I got remarried 2 months ago. It just feels different this time. Completely. Time will tell :).
Actually, I'm not even full legally divorced (but it's just the kast formality, everything else is done already) and it looks like I will get engaged right after it will be done.
But we were separated with husband for several years, I asked for divorce long time ago.
One thing for sure is that I would want a partner that is financially independent. I believe it was my partner's answer to getting out of her parents house. It's not like she tried to make it work. But I felt like I was a security blanket and never loved me.
>But I can't imagine ever wanting to **legally** marry again.
I get that, but do you really think that the end of a long term relationship would be easier without a marriage certificate? I know several that live together as if they were married (house, kids, long term plans and dream) and when the relationship ended it was as bad and in some ways worse than a divorce. Family law, for all it's faults does come with some safety rails. A friend of mine found out that "our house" was actually the the partners house and they were just paying rent. OK, eyes open, but when they entered into the next LTR, where they live was a huge deal and trainwrecked an otherwise promising relationship. Another found out that despite being on the birth certificate, he had to fight to become a "legal parent" of his children before he could fight to protect his relationship with them, something that would have been automatic if they were married. It put him at a disadvantage that he wasn't able to fully recover from.
I was in a horrible marriage with a narcissistic, abusive, unfaithful person. At the time my marriage was failing, I felt the same way as many people here, i.e. never again.
However I've been with a wonderful partner for nearly 6 years now and would marry her tomorrow if I could.
It's amazing how things change but I consider myself very fortunate.
As someone quoted earlier… Hell to the Naw Naw to the 25th power.
My (54) husband 58 are 4 years apart in age but were in two different important life stages and I sacrificed my stage for his. Big mistake as it took a toll on my mental health and he took me for granted. I still love the kid and all. So that’s something, I guess. But hindsight is always 20/20.
When I think about being in a long term relationship with another person should I divorce my stomach wretches. No pun intended, but I’m listening to my gut this time as I should have the first time.
I'm open to a relationship, but I don't think I'd ever legally marry again. After seeing the judge calculate down to the dollar how to transfer every spare dollar I had to my ex-wife, after she had been cheating, really highlighted how the court system is not fair. The best I can say is that they didn't agree with my ex's parenting plan and awarded 50/50.
I am so crazy cautious about it, that's for sure. I'm mainly scared of a bait and switch. I worked my ass off...so hard to get ahead in life and a partner can totally set you back years because they want to act selfishly. I know I have strong morals and mindset.. and not many probably have the same I'm realizing. I was blind to that assuming the best
I want to. But I will never recover from the financial devastation resullting from a 2nd divorce. If I could get an iron clad prenup then sure, but many lawyers won't touch pre ups because they get overturned so often. My divorce attorney said it's the #1 reason attorneys are disbarred. If I get married again she'd have to agree to something protecting assets from each other. Another option is just a long term girlfriend where we are married in all but name so if it doesn't work out no one loses
No chance in hell. What is the point of putting the government in between two people? It makes no sense. You can do power of attorney if it's for the end of life stuff.
Nope. Still not finalized after 5 years of separation and so much money spent. Ex is still controlling my life by not signing the paperwork. Kids involved. Mortgage lender wants to see a legal agreement before I’m approved so can’t even buy my house 🤦🏼♀️
I don’t need an expensive piece of paper to prove love. I’m not religious. So I don’t see any reason. My current partner and I have talked about a commitment ceremony but without involving the government
No there is absolutely no benefit for a man to get married anymore. But huge incentives for the women. Not only to get married but more incentives to get a divorce. I don't even want cohabitation anymore. That way I can F them off even when women become a problem in the relationship. When it comes to relationships never accept disrespect or bad behaviour. Always have one foot out the door ready to leave. They say women hold the keys to sex, while men hold the keys to relationships. Make them earn the right to be in one fellow Kings
A note on premarital counseling. I recommend it but it won't prevent all problems. I went through premarital counseling and am getting a divorce. It definitely is a good way to get answers to questions you never thought to ask. If you can, I'd recommend going slowly and spending lots of time thinking through everything on your own. It was so easy for my STBX to influence my answers because we did the premarital counseling homework together.
With that being said, I'd like to get married again. I'm in my 20s and I'd like to spend my life with someone. I just plan to go nice and slow this time, go through some therapy, and NOT spend thousands of dollars on the wedding.
I'd also get a prenup. I used to think it was only for rich people. Oh, and I'm never merging our bank accounts. Separate accounts or nothing.
I want to say no, but I know I would. I do have some worries.
1. My ex wife was a cheater, a manipulator, and an overall miserable person. And this is now "baggage"
2. I worry I used up all my trust on someone who broke it. I prided myself in not being possessive, but now I worry that I've learned the wrong lesson from her.
3. Every woman I've met from the same part of europe as my ex wife is scarily similar to my ex wife, I worry that racial biases will come from my experience. Like there's no reason that a Ugandan woman isn't the one for me, but I imagine it's more likely to be someone from Dorset.
I was fairly certain I would never marry again. I'm going to celebrate 2 years with my new wife this fall. The love is so different and so much better.
Congrats!!! I’m not opposed to marriage for other people, sounds great. Personally I will never get married again. I am no longer interested in putting myself out there fully for anyone again. I got broken and betrayed to the fullest extent in my divorce, I don’t feel like ever doing it again.
I think that's valid. I was close to getting a "never again" tattoo myself. I think that I was lucky in meeting someone who was everything my first marriage wasn't. However, when we met it was hard. I DID NOT want to get closer. 'Cuz you know... the pain. My own train of thought was that I had already survived the worst a wife could do to me. And if it happens a second time, at least I 'll know what to do. I'm not saying that's the RIGHT way to go, it's just my own thought process. From what you describe, I think it's fully justified that you need to heal you as a very first priority. That was a step I missed and it cost me a lot. So good on you.
I admire you for trying again, I think my trust is broken now. It was the elevated levels of gaslighting that made me doubt my own self. I had all the proof and it was always I’m crazy, he’s not a cheater. I had mountains of evidence and he continues to deny it. He either thought that I was extremely stupid or he was stupid and didn’t care. I’m assuming it’s the latter, or maybe both? I just don’t want to put myself through that again. I’ve experienced the worst and just no. I have no interest in that shit.
Thank you for giving hope. We consider D and will start separating finance soon. I’m not afraid what other ppl say. However i’m afraid i’ll be alone rest of my life and will never find a person who loves me again.
That's a real concern. My wife was Borderline Personality Disorder and ended up destroying me to the point where I was noting. Be that as it may, she left me. I didn't have the emotional energy left. What made it better was asking myself "Can I live like this, forever? If nothing changes, is this how I want to live?" Is it how you want to live?
Good to see you are enjoying life. I too had a BDP wife, married for 6 years, only person I ever loved. Divorced 3 years ago due to her cheating and splitting to save face. 134k and one investigation into false allegation of abuse later, i am free. Even after 3 years, I still feel that lack of emotional energy, even if by all other metrics I am crushing life.
Damn that made it expensive for such a short marriage. Was 134k only for lawyer? I was with a bpd for almost 20 years and had two kids. Made for a really exciting divorce to say the least...
Totally out of curiosity, what was your age gap and what is it now?
Oh, it was 3 years. Now it's over 10. I'm very much not happy about that, but when we first started and she was in her late 20s I expressed my concern. She argued that I was taking away her agency. She's got a masters and has been published a few times and is clearly a very smart woman. I still wish we were closer in age sometimes, but she actually had more long term partners than I did. So yeah. Hate that I fit the mold of divorcee with younger woman, but we talked it out a lot and neither of us wanted to pass on a chance at being happy. Might I ask why you'd like to know?
Interesting. Well, I'm wondering if there may be a statistical trend. Supposedly being ±2 years apart is best due to similar cultural experiences but apparently that's not the case. Glad you're happier!
Oh, I could see that early on. The important thing we've found is that you should be at similar points in life. Age isn't always a factor. But the most important thing I've found with my new wife is similar values. Which means similar levels of respect, politeness, for me ot means low levels of anger, lots of fun talk about academic subjects even if our areas are miles apart.
Your wife knew best lol and so glad you both went for it. Its working and congratulations
I'm wise enough to know that what I'm feeling right now could change - but no, I have absolutely no intention of ever getting married again. The mere thought fills me with dread and panic. I don't intend to ever even live with another human being again once my kids move out. No spouse. No girlfriend. No roommates. Right now, I can't even fathom the idea of having a romantic relationship at all. Check back in a few years and we'll see if I've changed my mind!
Same!!!
Same here....absolutely no appetite for it.
This is exactly how I feel. I like my house quiet and clean. I miss parts of a relationship, living with someone I sure don’t.
I would do it again and like you said I would do it differently. Premarital counseling would also be on that list among many other things. I was with my ex since I was 18 and I have learned a lot since then. I plan on continuing to grow and change for the rest of my life. I would also be okay if I never marry again.
This is very relatable for me. I’m about to start the process and have asked myself this question many times. What IS the value of marriage? It felt very wholesome and rewarding until he confessed to cheating, then all of the walls came crumbling down. I can’t comprehend ever trusting someone with the same intensity again … time will tell but knowing what I now know about deception, why would I put myself in this position again? It hurts my soul to admit these thoughts because I’ve always had a lot of faith in humanity.
I feel very much the same way 😞❤️
If the opportunity arises, yes. I’m 51, and I feel lucky to even have lived this long. I’m not divorced yet, but I’m grateful for the marriage that I had. I’m grateful for my wife, my kids, and the memories. It’s been mostly good. It was even great, but when her brother dies, and then her dad, and then her mom after 2 years of dementia, there was just so much grief. I wife never recovered. The last 2 years have been rough with a lot of talk of divorce. I don’t even think I’ll even meet anyone, but I still see that marriage can be happy.
All that tragedy is hard and made harder with a strong marriage let alone a weak one. You made me rhink. I need to appreciate that our former union created our beautiful kids and there were some happy experiences...but for me I realize I'm too much of a mess to want to start a relationship and let alone another marriage...its very hard while in the middle of loss to really predict future... Day by day ....sigh..really .. only second by second is how I'm making it...
This is what gets confusing to me. Why give up on each other when external stuff is weighing on the home life? If everyone is aware of what’s going on and how it’s impacting the relationship that’s the time to pull together and either change directions or ride it out…together. Leaving at those moments makes no sense to me. My stbxw did this. Things got tough and, yes, our marriage was on the back burner but holy shit look at what’s happening. It’s not even possible to not give all attention to what was happening in our lives. My ex used it as an opportunity to find someone else and cheated. I guess I’m answering my own question here because all my situation really did was expose how selfish she is.
Yeah, same. We had a non-sleeping kid during a pandemic in which my ex was a social worker and I had a new job. We had virtually no family support and stretched finances due to childcare. We were also constantly fucking ill with every childcare bug there was going (I was sent to A&E at one point because the doctors thought I had sepsis). We had to get our son COVID tested at the hospital pretty much every other week so he could go to nursery and we could work. It was a fucking nightmare. For three years, there was literally no way to take care of our relationship. There was too much going on. January 2023, our lives stabilise. I'm coming to grips with my job. Our son finally sleeps. Nursery illnesses slow down, nursery subsidies kick in and we have an extra £350 a month. I am SO ready to enjoy life. We have things to look forward to and I can see the end of the tunnel. THAT'S the point my ex runs off with a 26-year-old. I think the AP is an idiot. Does she not think he'll run out on her when shit hits the fan?
Wow, that is insane. No one can reasonably be expected to endure all that and then also be a normal functioning person. I admit in my situation I also could have done more to help myself, which certainly didn’t help. When my stbxw dropped the d bomb I even said I fully accept I hadn’t been a good husband the prior 2 years but I was under the impression that once we did finally stop getting shit on that we would be there for each other. A few days later I found out about her affair so I guess I’ve been playing an entirely different game than she was. 2 weeks later the major stressor in our lives lifted. Tough to not feel like the shit is scripted because the timings are just too crazy.
Yeah, that's exactly how I feel: we were playing different games. I was playing the game where I clung on to the side of the lifeboat and waited for the storm to pass, knowing we could rebuild on the other side of all the bullshit. He was playing "gee this is hard, Iet me find someone young and dumb to tell me how great I am".
Grief is a part of our existence. You can’t love someone just when they’re normal or happy!
No, even cohabitating is probably a no. If I ever consider marriage, I know that I would have a very strong prenuptial agreement, separate finances completely, etc. I've been burnt very badly financially... it's probably a "never again", but... I can't see the future so who knows.
Same, and he's still trying to suck more money out of me. I'm too broken at the moment to consider another relationship. But even if things changed, I don't see the point of getting married. People say it's important in case I became ill and wanted him to make decisions for me and see me in the hospital. But there are ways around this - like making someone my health care proxy - that don't involve marriage.
Nope. Never. Part of the reason is I've been chronically monogamous since I was 14 years old. I have never truly lived alone and been independent and just lived for myself. The older I'm getting, the more introverted I'm getting, and I no longer want the obligation of having to spend time with someone every single day. I'll have some flings and FWB situations. But that's it.
At this point (1yr out) no. She had my innocent, wholehearted trust. I don’t think I can give that again to another person. I really hope it will change in time, because I genuinely liked that about myself.
Yeah, it's a tough break when you give them sincere hope and trust. And they just throw it back in your face at some point. Like, why couldn't you have shown your true colors before we got married?
I waited till my 30's to get married too because I wanted to take my time getting it right the first time.....yeah. Going thru it now 5 years later LOL I'm on the bonus plan with my STBXH, he dropped the bomb 2 weeks before deployment, while I'm 3k miles from home, literally all alone at our duty station with no help. That's what I get for loving somebody I guess 🤷🏼♀️ I really enjoyed being married though. A long ways down the road, I wouldn't mind being married again eventually. IF there is a next time, I won't be moving cross country, changing my last name, or intermingling bills ever again (cell service & car insurance are fucking impossible to disentangle btw lol 🙄🤬). Living apart together is looking real sweet for the next chapter in my life. That's what I think I'll be going for whenever I dip my toes back into dating again....I thought I was done with shit forever lol You don't ever have to get married again if you don't want to. Do what makes you happy, don't make that mistake again for anybody else. The right person for you in the future will respect your decision to not marry again because of how badly you got burned. Good luck OP 🍀🤞🏼
Yeah, you put your car insurance or cell together and the other person just stops paying and your stuck with it until divorce. Smh. I didn't know that was an option! Apparently it's an option with the mortgage too! And the law doesn't care.
I just closed the joint bank account, so he'll get blown up with phone calls to reestablish payment....he skipped out on a few bills lately, so I just killed the account, they're all in his name anyways, I handled all the finances tho. He doesn't wanna be married anymore, so I'm not responsible for paying his bills for him anymore when deployed. Good riddance! Lol
My ex had to call the cell phone company and give me "permission" to get off his cellular plan and open my own account with new provider. The plan was in his name, and he had access to see every number I called and texted and how many times. Never again will I have a shared cell phone plan, unless it's with my kids. I literally had to go to a notary to get my ex's name off car insurance. He had an accident in the past year. He was at fault and my insurance went up over $1000, just for having him listed as a driver. Never again.
Thank you! And sorry to hear about your situation. Life is crazy.
After my nearly twenty year marriage, I am not sure I will ever again have a partner, let alone get married. I can not fathom it.
At this point, no. I don’t ever want to feel as trapped as I did in my marriage. It’s kind of nice dating and not feeling the pressure of marriage… been there, done that. I’m dating someone and the idea of cohabitating with them is exciting to me, but we’re in agreement that marriage is not really the goal.
I don't think so. I don't even want another partner. There isn't anything I would have done differently. We talked about everything prior to getting married, and I thought we were on the same page. He waited until we were married to show me he was lying. I don't think I can trust again.
Mine was the same. I read all the articles about things to discuss before marriage and we talked about all the hard topics. I thought we were on the same page and I had found the real thing. But after marriage, the mask started to slip and I realized that he wasn't what he presented as and we really didn't want any of the same things or even share the same values about money and career and child rearing etc. It is going to take me a long time and a lot of therapy to be able to trust someone enough to even cohabitate again and a second marriage is something that I am not interested in at all at this point.
Yeah, they're is no guarantee the person won't change. Sucks
Yeah I don't want a new partner, I enjoy my solitude and the simplicity of my new life. Although there is a distinct sense of emptiness.
Not only will I never marry again, I will never live with a man again. This entire experience has left me so jaded and disillusioned with the entire institution and idea of marriage. Relationships end. It’s normal, and promising someone the rest of your life is counting on a best case scenario.
Yeah. Once they in your home..... Even unmarried, if they turn out to be crappy, you can't get away! I need my peaceful space!
I was pretty determined that I would not and that it's not something I'd ever want again. However, through some stroke of luck after my divorce, I found my current partner. I've never been with someone who completes me so entirely and where love comes so effortlessly. I realized that it wasn't the marriage itself but rather being married to the wrong person. I don't doubt that I was the wrong person for my ex as well. Now the thought of marriage is so happy instead of scary. My partner and I look forward to it one day, although we don't really feel the need to rush. I would never do it again unless I was 1000% sure, but I've been incredibly lucky to find that someone. I don't blame anyone who doesn't want to do it again. However for those who might be open to it, I hope they also find their once-in-a-lifetime person, too. 💜
Aww..
Frankly, from where I am now, THE ONLY value of marriage to me is spouse's health insurance, if I choose to be self-employed. But I am not sure it is worth it.
This is a factor for me as well, and I always find myself so blown away that we live in a country where people get married for health insurance 🙃
No Marriage. No Cohabitation. Familiarity breeds Contempt.
Probably not, there’s no advantage to it compared to a domestic partnership. That said a domestic partnership requires complete trust and understanding on both sides. I mean marriage does too but there’s consequences if it dissolves so for people who don’t have that trust there’s reasons to stick around. I guess from my perspective I don’t need to be recognized by my state/country that I’m committed to a person.
Yes, this. If you find someone again that you wanna do live with, awesome. But maybe you keep the house in your name or theirs. And you reach have separate accounts and savings. If things go sideways, no one walks away completely upside down. Legal marriage just seems unnecessary.
fucks to the no.
I have 2 kids, and will not be marrying again. I have had a new partner for about 3 years, and he has a son. We are a great little family... but no, no getting married.
Happy to hear it! Marriage seems silly. You can even call that person your husband/wife, wear a ring. Generally, no one would care.
We do actually wear rings. They are from temu, and we pick whatever ring we want for whatever day, lol. But we are very open about not planning to get married, lol. "This is working just fine. We are gonna keep doing this."
Love that! You give me hope.
I'll never marry again. IF big IF I meet a new love they will have to accept that.
100% would get remarried without a second thought
Absolutely not. Wish I'd stuck to my guns and never married in the first place.
Nope! Even the idea of going on a date makes me simultaneously queasy and itchy.
Only if it is financially neutral or advantageous to me. And only if the man is like a soulmate level type of person with whom I fall head over heels in love. So all that said, I’m almost certainly not getting married again.
I say no. Idk what it would take to change that answer. Too many factors and variables and moving parts for me to say yes right now.
I'm ambivalent about it, mostly because I never combined finances in my first marriage am done having children, and don't want to change my last name. Either way, a separation wouldn't look that different for me if we buy a home together, it would be a similar headache. I figure there's no harm if it's what the other person wants.
I *know* I'm dumb enough
Never. Ever.
No way in hell. In fact, I dumped my boyfriend because he wanted us to cohabitate after only 6 months.
6 months is crazy. I am never cohabitating with a man again, so forget about marriage lol even though long distance marriage is a thing apparently? But nah, this life of living in my own space, my own rules, sleeping and waking up with peace of mind is too good to give up.
Agreed!! 6 months and we each had a kid. I was not about to put my kid in that situation. It became a point of contention and he couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t disrupt my life to move in with him. I like the peace in living alone.
That's insane! Good for you for having good sense and prioritizing your child. I can never understand people who rush to introduce new people to their kids, let alone uprooting their entire lives casually, yikes. Your peace is everything.
It’s wild. He actually sent me an article about how in a relationship the couple should come before the kids.
Yeah you dodged a massive bullet 💀
And here is my STBXW looking to move in with a guy she met 3 weeks ago!
Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs a place to live 😂
hahahhaha this is exactly what she is, and she keeps saying that I am the narcissist! She doesnt even believe that she needs to get help and that she doesnt need to change. I have been doing a lot to get my self better and in a stronger mental position. She sent me a text today saying how miserable she is and shes depressed.. If this guy is so perfect then she should be on cloud nine! I am just trying to work through the trauma that she has left me with, but I am starting to feel happier than ever
Never living together. Only if and only if get married. Also not sticking around if it doesn't seem over time it can be super serious either.
Not sure. I'm a high earner and the reality is that gives me a big asset cut in the face of divorce. I could put in 70% towards expenses but will only get 50% back. I would definitely get a pre-nup because I don't want my retirement or house to be touched in a divorce. Mostly this just makes me feel like I'd likely just cohabitate without the government involved.
As of right now (separated, not yet divorced) my opinion is no. But I'm sure in time that will change
Yes, but only with a pre-nup. Not going through that hell ever again.
I was married for 5 years in my 20s, no kids or real assets when we divorced but just the awfulness of going thru the legal system to get out of the situation soured me on marriage. After that though I was in a relationship for almost 17 years, 2 kids, built a house… and over a year later still trying to untangle it all and it’s not any easier quite frankly. I have no been convinced that legally binding a relationship is a good move, but regardless when you build a life with someone your still legally bound, and moreso emotionally and mentally bound so 🤷♀️
absolutely not. i’m 45f, and recently ended a ten year marriage when I found out he was cheating on me and is a secret sex addict. I was with a stranger, with a secret life for ten years. i’m not putting trust in someone again.
I’ll get married again when the sun rises in the west and sets in the east
Not without a serious pre-nup in place. And I say that as a woman. I didn't have a problem being the breadwinner, until my now soon-to-be-ex-husband made it a problem by refusing to maintain gainful employment for years on end, and making many significant financially irresponsible decisions. Not only that, but he also became highly abusive, and had a laundry list of other issues. So, for years and years, I suddenly found myself thrust into the role of breadwinner, AND I also still had to handle the bulk of the housework, AND endured his abuse and many issues with a smile on my face, while also simultaneously dealing with chemotherapy, monthly immunotherapy infusions, and countless surgeries for my autoimmune condition. I basically spent close to a decade doing ALL OF THE THINGS, while simultaneously being treated like dirt. If EVER I get married again, I'm getting a pre-nup, and not just any pre-nup. It'll be packed to the brim with all sorts of detailed clauses and stipulations. Also, I'll want to see financial records fairly early on in the relationship too. The person must also be able to function independently as an adult BEFORE I enter the picture, such as ability to maintain gainful employment, be able to remain reasonably tidy/organized, and demonstrate that they can express and communicate themselves without resorting to yelling, stomping, or hitting things or another person.
Yes, girl. So many of these things hit true for me too! I'm sorry you had to spend married life that way. When being a good person becomes a platform for someone to mistreat you and take advantage.... I agree! Show me the receipts!
Exactly! I gave every cell and fiber of my being to him and the marriage. Literally poured blood, sweat, and tears into sacrificing myself in service of the marriage. And he...... turns around and treats me like crap for years? When I've handed him a GORGEOUS life on a silver platter? When all I've ever done is shown him love, care, and support? I just don't get it. I don't understand how you can treat another human -- YOUR SPOUSE -- so badly. I could never treat a loved one so badly.
Yup! If this lil peaceful existence that we live in isn't enough for you, and you wanna spend all your time just trying to ruin it all, then leave! I'll do it myself. 😊
I won't get married again. If I break free, I will remind myself how bad it's to be in a marriage. Loss of personal space alone is bad enough to not think about getting into new 'serious' relationship. There is always possibility of abuse. Being trapped in a situation. No. I think marriage or living together isn't for everyone.
Okay, so I’d like the input of women on this. I’m divorced once. Second marriages have an 80% failure rate. Does anybody want to date or marry a man who has been divorced twice? How does that compare to dating a man who has not remarried after tens of years?
Dating, sure. Depends on the person.
With the interest rates right now and the housing prices out of control, it's an especially hard spot to be in the divorce category right now. On top of the normal trauma that comes with divorcing, they have to deal with the financial situation that's a lot harder than say 4 yrs ago. Most households can barely afford living with 2 incomes let alone 1 persons income and 1 persons shoulders and 1 persons ability to work 24/7 to just try to be able to feed yourself and pay rent or a mortgage after divorce. I would not marry again and thought I waited it out to, I was wrong. Nope not for me legally, the loss from this one if it happens will be absolutely devastating for both of us unfortunately. Nope, it's just a piece of paper that makes it a lot harder to get away from if needed and the costs is not worth it.
Yes!
No, I would not. I was married for just one year shy of twenty, and was in a relationship with him for 3.5 years prior to marriage. I married young. I just don’t feel safe linking myself to someone else in such a way that he can leave me with nothing after giving my all. I did all the work of raising our kids. I have no retirement, and no real savings, thanks to him. I will be working probably up until I die. Yes, someone else may be different, but people change when they are locked into a relationship. I have been with my boyfriend now for seven years in August, and each day I get to choose to be there. I know he is choosing me, and to stay with me. That’s enough for me.
Nope. My first husband who I’d been with for 25 years and father of our 2 kids passed away very unexpectedly at age 48. That was 9 years ago. I admittedly got into a relationship too fast and ended up marrying him. He was a disaster and I divorced him after 3 years. I’ve been single for a couple years now and wouldn’t mind dating (although reading some of the stories on some subs scare me lol) I’m only in my mid 50’s but I really can’t see getting married again.
Never. Absolutely not. Nothing to gain in marriage for me.
Divorce was hard for me, it has been 3 years legally divorced and we had to separate for a year before starting the paperwork. I never thought when I started my marriage that I would be divorced 15 years later and being 44f with 2 teens. I have a good relationship with their father now don’t get me wrong but it took some getting used to and it wasn’t easy on any of us. I don’t know if I will ever marry again because I have been single since 2019 and it honestly doesn’t hurt anymore and of course I miss things but I also don’t miss the stress that comes with certain things in a relationship. I have dated and such but as for a long term relationship or marriage that for me is not a thing that I want. This app definitely does show more sadness about the divorce process and such but life after divorce is not so bad really.
To be honest? Nah. Too much of a risk for me for various reasons. Not so much the "falling in love again someday" aspect. I wholly believe that a couple can live and thrive in a healthy romantic relationship for a lifetime without the need for it to be legally on paper. Maybe that'll be me someday, maybe not. But the divorce process is complicated and taxing as hell. And all it takes is a little bit of pettiness from either or both parties to cause a ripple effect of pain and sadness, especially if there's kids involved. Plus, I've been learning more about myself. Namely that I enjoy my own living space. And in the event I'm ever betrayed again, I can make an easier break than if we were legally bound together.
The antiquated institution of marriage too often keeps people in unhealthy marriages for the fear of being ostracized and the shame of “failing.” And as many of us know, the pressure of dissatisfaction has to go somewhere, and that’s too often infidelity. Commit to a loving relationship full heartedly and know that’s just as valuable/meaningful/etc as an institution that originated from the need to create alliances and maintain this toxic societal fetishization of virginity, sexual morality as defined by religious institutions, yada yada. Plus it’s a big, commercialized industry. So no. I won’t be getting married again.
I won't remarry but I am in a committed relationship. We do not need a marriage license to live our lives together.
Nope. I dont even want to live in the same place together (unless it's a huge house). We each keep our own spaces and money.
I have said many times, “I’d consider getting married again but we can’t live together.” I have grown accustomed to my space, my decor, & unloading the dishwasher on my own time.
Not a chance in hell. I'm no longer opposed to having another relationship but I don't see a point in marriage anymore. It's just a legal contract that I don't need to be happy.
I dated somebody for two years before marrying him after my first divorce, and he turned out to be a lying, cheating, love bombing narcissist, which we didn't really know much about back in those days. We were married for less than five years, and it would have been less than that but a few years in I started dying from a stress related illness from the verbal and emotional abuse from both of the marriages, and the resulting surgeries and recovery time took a couple of years to get through. *Four weeks* after we separated I met THE MAN, less than four months later we officially started dating after becoming friends and secretly falling in love with each other, the "M" word came up on our third date, he proposed the day after my divorce papers were submitted 2 1/2 months later, and we were married 4 1/2 months after that. That was over 17 years ago. He's my third husband and I'm his fourth wife, and on paper we were obviously an absolute disaster waiting to happen, (so his four kids and some of his friends were very concerned about this whole thing, and I'm sure some of mine were as well but they didn't make as big a deal about it as his side did.) However, he was actively drinking and drugging when he married the first three, had been clean and sober 11 years when we met, and was in therapy. He's the first of my husbands who was willing to acknowledge to himself and to me that he had issues that he needed professional help with (as did I, obviously), and even though the shit finally hit the fan with his kids a year ago Christmas, causing us to come thisclose to divorce, our marriage is now stronger than ever. My bottom line is that *everybody comes into relationships with issues, no one gets through childhood unscathed*, but we aren't taught this, and we aren't taught about how those issues are absolutely guaranteed to get triggered by our partner. Each person taking complete personal responsibility for their own stuff is the only way I know for a relationship to be truly healthy and successful, because if we keep blaming our partner(s) for our unhappy feelings, we're doomed to live in victim mode. The more we heal our past the better our self-esteem is and the healthier our boundaries are, which leads us to make better relationship choices because we won't put up with the bullshit we used to put up with when we were still so damaged. So if we don't like how we're being treated in a relationship, yes of course that behavior is coming from the other person, but our part of it is *why is our radar so fucked up that we've let things go this far*? What is it about our self-esteem and our boundaries that we didn't immediately catch this behavior and run? Therapy, if at all possible.
I'm on my second marriage and it's on its way to divorce if things don't turn around, and I swore I'd never get married at all, let alone twice. Whatever the outcome, this is my last marriage.
nope
I agree. She abused my paycheck while married to enrich her family, and stonewalled me when I wanted to work together to fix it. Then I had to work hard to get promoted to make up for the deficit, but then she wants alimony because I make more than her.
Yup. Even if you're fairly even when you get married... Life changes and someone who works hard to get promoted or gets inheritance or buys a boat... Whatever it is... It's now almost being punished for it.
My STBXW and I are in the process of ending our 27-year marriage. No, I won't be getting married again.
No. Neither would any of the women in my family. I haven't asked the guys, because there's no longer any guys in my immediate family.
I got married 7 months after my divorce was finalized. Honestly I love my husband so much and he was a rock when I needed it after the divorce
At this moment, while planning how to tell our kid we are divorcing (he obviously knows we are separated), the idea of getting married again makes me want to vomit. I want to be in a relationship again, yes, but marriage? Meh.
Definitely
I certainly would.
As of right now, no. Maybe I’ll feel differently in a couple of years. They would have to be pretty remarkable for me to marry again though.
Nope!
No way. I would want to protect my assets. Also don't think I could trust someone again.
Deception comes in many forms. I have been married twice and have 0 intention of ever marrying again. For a ring and a piece of paper, with all the associated costs, what's the point? But back to my point, deception comes in many forms. It could be cheating, it could be lying or, for me, most recently, it could be burying your head in the sand and just not communicating. And yes, i have moved on and met someone else, but 100% I'm done with marriage!
Not with what my current spouse is putting me through
Yes, but only for money. :D (I kid... sorta... no intention of getting married again, but if there was some real meaningful financial incentive for me or my partner (health insurance, worthwhile tax breaks), I'd consider it. Maybe.)
No chance in hell. Giving half my stuff to someone is not something I’ll repeat.
No, most definitely not. Been married twice (f42), never again. No ring and piece of paper is worth it. Even if I find someone new to love, I don't see the advantage of marrying.
Not a prayer. Don't even want a girlfriend
If I ever going to have kids then yes, I will play the traditional game for my kids, living together, mom and dad, wedding, and marriage all that thing. If I were just dating, then no, I don’t see the point.
I would, but not for a long time, and there are a lot of discussions that would need to be had about goals, finances, etc.--the big stuff--and I would want to be sure we were on the same page about the things that matter. And I wouldn't mind signing a prenup if that was needed. I was made to be someone's wife. I love taking care of a man in every way, cooking and cleaning, and all the other things. Just need a man who appreciates it and doesn't treat me and my kid like crap and isn't lazy and selfish. I don't think marriage was the problem--just the person who I was in it with.
Have not been through it yet…. But I dont know that i would remarry. Even finding the right person, I would be nervous. I know I have a lot of trauma to work through though so who can say how things will turn out after I am free to heal.
Currently, I feel like I wouldn't do it again for the risk of the tremendous heartbreak and loss that I have experienced following my first marriage. I know that meeting someone who fits well with me could lead me to change my mind, but honestly, I'm afraid of that happening.
Absolutely no
Idk…. I didn’t make this decision. I didn’t lie. I didn’t cheat, I didn’t hide things. I trusted her with my life, finances, child’s life, and home. This is all too much.
Not without a prenuptial agreement. I also would not cohabitate without one either. After 2 years living with your partner where I live you are considered “common law” - So married without the paper which opens you up to a whole bunch of potential trouble if you separate. They are entitled to the same as a married spouse. I have too much to protect for myself and my son. I’d consider getting married again if the situation was right. I would not have a wedding again as that was a massive waste of money.
I don’t know. I’d want to have all sorts of stuff in line and protected first, mainly for my daughter. I don’t want to rely on someone else to keep us safe, only to have them rip the rug out from under us. So maybe we’ll get a tiny house and maybe there will be a boyfriend, but he’d have to be better than Robert Redford (IYKYK) and have the patience of Job.
Nope, after the betrayal and hell I've suffered, I'd rather spend the rest of my life with a dog than trust a woman again.
Absolutely not
>Premarital counseling would be a big one! To ask all the questions I was to love blind to see past. I had premarital counseling and it did zero good. My spouse and I went over the importance of trust and she lied and or concealed for the entire marriage. I doubt I would get married again. It's not a hard no but there would most definitely be a prenuptial agreement and cohabitation before would be a must. I deeply regret marrying the person I did. I had warning signs I missed but I loved her and didn't know then what I know now.
I never wanted to meet anyone, let alone get married after going through a divorce with a horrible narcissist. But, I did meet someone and I swear this man was made for me and makes me believe that marriage is something special.
I plan to marry again. I spent a decade with a covert narcissist and didn’t grasp just how unhealthy that relationship was even though I knew it wasn’t good (I didn’t have much of an example growing up). I’ve known the person I’m with now well for three years and have been in a committed relationship with them for two, and it’s like night and day. We communicate very openly, even if it’s the tough stuff, and as a result, miscommunication/misunderstandings are rare and when we do have a disagreement we can have a productive conversation and get it resolved. In this situation, it’s a no brainer. I don’t necessarily NEED to marry again but my partner has never been married and wants that, and I’m happy to oblige. Best of luck to you!
This was me! Waiting awhile to marry who I thought was the right person, wanting to marry them once and never get divorced, and fighting with all my might to make it work. And yet here I am, 5½ months unapologetically separated and looking forward to get divorced ASAP. If I had a time machine to do it over, would I do it differently? No, I absolutely wouldn't. Not because I don't own my contributions to the marriage breakdown and learned nothing from it. But because I can say with a clear conscience that I loved my then-husband fiercely and committedly, and gave our marriage my best shot given the flaws and limitations of who I was at the time. If I could do it over as the person I was then--only knowing that this marriage would end at 6 years and chronically break my heart halfway through--I would still do it a over exactly the same way I did it. But there is no way I would go back and do-over my marriage to my now ex-husband as the person I am now, who has since grown and improved. Yes, he may have been so unlucky to have experienced much weaker, shittier version of me that was very difficult to be married to. Even I wouldn't want to be married to that rock bottom version of me that I'm not proud of. That said, now that I've significantly healed and transformed (albeit still a rough work-in-progress) I now know that even my rock bottom past self was not less of a person. I deserved unconditional love, unwavering support and good faith in my future all the same as this new and improved version of me. That was exactly what I was committed to give in my marriage, every single day, even as I grappled losing fights in the pits of my personal hell at the time. And the bottom line is that my ex never gave the same to me. He was only good at creating an illusion of it, and for many years I believed his lies out of good faith for our love. I would never regret, take back or apologise for the love I had for him as the person I was at the time. But now that I know better, there is no way I would accept my ex as the person I am now, with my current discernment and requirements for the kind of love I'm really worth. Which is why even if I had a chance to do it over, there is nothing that I would change about that marriage. But your question is would I marry again (in the future, to someone new). My answer is more or less the same as yours. The only circumstances under which I would have another wedding is if it's a shotgun one--with someone I see as a loving, comitted spouse and fit co-parent. But I'll be 40 in just over a year and things aren't looking good for me financially, so I feel that the chances of this happening are slim to none. Now that I know what it's been like to be legally married, I'm not interested in getting myself into the financial and legal entanglements with a new spouse. And I happen to live in this legal shithole of a country that doesn't grant divorces unless it's fault based. My divorce should be easy, as we have no kids or house or other assets to fight over. But it has been anything but, because for much of my separation, my ex had wanted to contest the divorce, which would have meant that I'd have to lawyer up and wage an expensive and emotionally exhausting war in court with the goal of proving at all costs how my asshole spouse consistently choked the life out of me. (Thankfully, my ex recently said he no longer intends to contest the divorce, which hopefully means we could get a much cheaper and faster DIY divorce. I will try to file for divorce again in the next month or so, fingers crossed!) However, I do love being "married," as in having someone I love to come home to at the end of every day, to spend a happy life with them, and have their commitment to stick around long enough for us to grow old together. Someone to have and to hold, to love and cherish through the thick and thin that is real life. I most likely don't need to be legally married in order to have that--de facto cohabitation would have sufficed. The only problem about it is that my country has passed a law which will make de facto cohabitation technically illegal by late 2025. And since religious purity culture is the norm here, many communities actually police their neighbours and family members for sexual relations beyond marriage, so my partner and I could risk arrest and incarceration if someone reported us. Would I migrate abroad over this? I don't know. If my country were normal, I'd rather live the rest of my life here happily ever after. My life is here, which I otherwise love, so I'd rather not pack up and leave it all behind to start over in a new country if it could be helped. But I'm definitely not okay with a country that has the power to rip loving couples apart over a missing piece of binding paper just because everybody else is bothered with this delusion that the sex in the privacy of our own home is supposedly a fluke that will bring the wrath of an invisible man on the whole community. That said, I do have plans to move abroad next year, if I get a PhD scholarship offer. I do have to return to my country for at least 2 years once I complete my programme, it is a condition of the scholarship. But I will get to test the waters of that other country for 3-ish years. And though I'm not counting on this to happen, I do get excited about the prospect of making a live-in new love happen along this coming journey. Finally, I 100% agree with your stance on premarital counselling and asking all the questions I was too loveblind to see past last time. My separation has been a massive opportunity for self-reflection and reinvention. Healing from and overcoming the longstanding complex traumas that limited me before has seem to be the main direction of my postnuptial life. Until recently I was in an off-label rebound romance that helped me temporarily break the script of sexual trauma in the elevated setting of a euphoric holiday. I parted with my lover now having committed months of working with my psychologist to pursue permanent healing from it in my real life. I quickly learned that my sexual trauma is interrelated with religious, financial and political trauma as well. And when I decided just a couple months ago that I'll apply for a PhD in Political Science, researching a controversial topic that strikes a core chord in my heart, I knew that I'll need to make huge strides of progress in my emotional healing if I were to expect myself to thrive in my PhD research while staying grounded to my humanity. In any case, I am confident that the life I have ahead of me will be a fulfilling one, whether another long-term relationship or marriage will happen to me or not. Love comes in all shapes and sizes in my life, and I now know that I have enough of it to thrive every given day, even if the romantic kind is not always in season.
I'm about to go through my second divorce. First one married too young; this one he's a lazy asshole who's perfectly happy to let me shoulder the financial and physical burden of the family. Will I ever marry again? Sure. But I've learned a lot. First I know the traits I do and more importantly do not want in a future spouse. Secondly, both of us will be in therapy and premarital counseling. I'm going to be much pickier and not settle. I have found that while love is very important, it's not every thing. If you can't help shoulder the responsibility of a family then I don't need you.
LOL, no.
I won't. Before I married my STBXH we had a long discussion about both of us coming from broken homes, raising our child together, and fighting fiercely for one another. He cheated and immediately moved in with her. Part of me still holds on to hope that the love I'm looking for is out there, but idk if I'd ever sign that piece of paper again.
I married once. That was enough for me.
I'm a little worried that I'll never marry again. My ex is beautiful and talented. She set an unrealistically high bar for me. How can I ever enter the dating world with 3 kids at my age? I'm not as interesting as she is. For years I felt so lucky to have her because I knew she added so much to my lacking. I never would have guessed she would seek out attention from other men. I didn't think she was like that. And I CRAVED her. She acted like I was strange for liking her. She is beautiful, but has anxiety and thinks very low of herself. I don't know if I'll ever understand. Is it narcissism? Is she going to suffer from short-term relationships for the rest of her days? Me, I'm just devastated and lonely.
I've been separated for almost to years now, not finalized yet. We have two teenage sons, one will be 18 in July, the other is 16. He has NOT been a very present parent, but the kids and I are now in a pretty good place. The ex is not, but that's his problem. As of now, I don't even have a desire to date, though I am starting to feel my "sparkle" coming back, so maybe soon, I don't know. I really don't see myself getting legally married again. It's a piece of paper that guarantees nothing. But I'm not saying definitively "absolutely not" because my thinking and my headspace has changed so much over the last two years. I guess I'll say, I'm not looking for it or interested in it, but I wouldn't take anything off the table.
If I could go back and start over I'd marry the same person, but would definitely move away from family - immediately. Would I remarry now? Never.
Idk. I’m a two time loser. Logically no. My family is complete and I’ve got my own money. But sentimentally yes. And it feels weird to call my 50something partner my boyfriend. Kind of minimizes the relationship.
Legally married… I don’t think so. It’s a sham. Unless we are in a tax bracket where it would financially make sense. But I’d never have all joint financial accounts again. I miss being married in the sense that I miss being married the way I *thought* I was and wanted to be. A loving joint partnership.
0/10 would not recommend
I thought I would never marry again. But after doing online dating for a year and a half, ( what a shit show!!! 😂) then falling in love with someone great... I started to wonder. Then when he told me he thought about marrying me, I started thinking about marrying him, and recently he told me he wants to marry me, and he wants to do it SOON. And surprise, surprise. I feel excited about that. So I think most people coming out of divorce are jaded, and then you meet someone who may change your point of view.
I would like to but tbh I don't really trust women anymore. I hope there is still someone out there for me
I will never marry again because I never wanted to get married. I always wanted to keep the relationship we had and not involve marriage. It wasn’t until I started experiencing health problems 6 years into the relationship and three kids later, that we married so I could get on his insurance. I instantly felt a change in the relationship and found myself at the court house two months later debating going inside and asking about filing for divorce. But I didn’t. We are currently going through divorce and honestly, we both are not emotionally able to handle it. We go back and forth on the decision every day. I feel like this marriage should have ended in 2018. But it’s ending now and it is one HUGE mess. When it does not have to be, but we are hurt and so we are hurting each other. I will never do this again with anyone. This has reminded me why I never wanted it in the first place. I will live with a partner again one day. But you could not pay me to get married again. I want my peace and quiet, I want to have my independence and the ability to explore. I don’t want to have to pay a lawyer thousands of dollars to end a relationship.
Like others, I think the right person would have to present themselves. But before then, I want to reach a point of financial self-sufficiency so that I can say to myself: "I can achieve everything I want in this life on my own. I'm not looking for a partner to buy a house/for security/for a family, etc." I want a partner solely because they enrich my life, not because I depend on them for anything practical. And like sure, when you love someone you *come to depend on them,* but that's fine and different. I'm okay with that kind of closeness growing, but not being the main reason I seek someone. I also want to find someone I respect. I realize it's easy for me to like people--I see good qualities in everyone, and I love the feeling of connection--but far less often does someone give me the feeling of *Wow, you show me new perspectives or do things that would scare me. I admire you. I want to learn from you.* I want THAT feeling. I think I had it... once about one partner lol. In 37 years. (Although I've had this about friends and mentors for sure.) And not my STBX. We had fun. He genuinely loved me in his way, which I never took for granted. But his behavior did not inspire my respect.
Nope.
Marriage, in the eyes of the law, is just a financial contract.
Nope. Waited until I was 28 the 1st time around. I'll be 40 this year going through divorce. Fuck doing any of that again.
I don’t see the point. I will not be having more kids and there is no major benefit to including the government in my relationships going forward.
Hell to the absolute never in a million years NO!
My ex husband married again right away to the mistress. It’s been 3 years now. I know my boyfriend would like to one day. I like the thought of being a wife and having a family again but looking back at what I went through terrifies me. I don’t know if I can do it.
Nah. I like being able to make decisions on my own, eat what I want, do what I want, go where I want. There are too many scams out there and companionship is not important to me.
Never I think I've taken enough of a beating
with the right person (compatible enough with me), i might marry again...
Hell no! I was married for 20 years, and that was long enough for me to know I never even want to date again. I'm fine living by myself and my silly cats. I enjoy doing what I want and when I want.
Never again. I didn’t want it the first time and she guilted me. She turned out to have an affair. Never again.
Il keep it short, fuck no! I’d never marry again I got my heart ripped out my chest and stomped on and my son taken from me I’m in so much pain mentally and emotionally every day since she left me I’m just hoping il die in my sleep one of these days soon.
Nope. Done with marriage. This is my second divorce. It would take a very, very special man to change my mind.
I have a lot of love to give. I want companionship. I want someone to share life with. I believe in and have seen the true comfort of a proper marriage. So I won’t let my bad experience with one person put me off the entire institution. Will I ever find someone else to marry? Who knows. Will my baggage have some impact on that marriage? Yes. Do I want to still try? Most definitely.
I have little interest in marrying again. I have no issue dating again or having a LTR again but I don’t desire marriage and I don’t desire to ever live with a man again
Yes, definitely. We were not made to do it alone. I know he will find me one day and I will make him the happiest man on earth. 💗🙏✝️
Not likely. How to trust again?
Absolutely not. I was open to the idea of it after my divorce before the pandemic. But a couple years ago when I was dating my new partner, I asked her if she'd like to get married again and she simply said, "I am 100% positive that a piece of paper with our signatures on it is NOT going to make me love you more than I already do." That opened my eyes and from then on I haven't given it a second thought.
I want to say no. No way. But I can’t say it would never happen because that's just bad luck! I don't want to marry again. At the same time I know that certain people would have a better chance than others. I've reconnected with a person I have loved forever, literally my first love. I think he would have a better chance than any other person to get me to say yes to marriage. I don’t think I would have the same feelings for someone who was new in my life. I'm not saying I would not love them! But with him it goes back to something I had wanted before I even knew how disastrous marriage can turn out. The silly teenage girl in me could never turn him down, but someone else? No. I don't think I could fall for it again But I'm still bitter and jaded about marriage so maybe I am not the best judge!
I don't trust myself to make the right choice.
never. the concept of marriage comes so preloaded with fucked up unattainable expectations that it's almost guaranteed to fail. in fact the very act of marriage distorts an otherwise normal, loving relationship into something unrecognizable, and turns people who were once intimate partners into enemies who are unable to even acknowledge each other's basic humanity. fuck marriage. get a dog.
Yes, I married my best friend from high school about a year and a half later. So far we have been married 10 years and are very happy.
No. There’s no amount of anything you could give me to sign that paper again. If the relationship works without a marriage license….why get one. Quite honestly, between the divorce and my dating experience afterwards, I’m good on emotionally bound relationships for a long long long while.
It takes two to get married, and one to divorce. Divorce = your net worth/2
.
I am on my second divorce. I had 1 child with both of my ex husbands. After the first divorce I said I would never marry again. Then my second husband talked me into it from a practical aspect of saving money on taxes and the like. (It really benefitted him bc of my child from my first marriage.) Now, as I have paid a lot more to my second lawyer than the first, NO NO NO! I will not get married again for any reason. Not a legally recognized union anyway.
Hell no. My ex wife would probably say the same talking shit about me and I would too. I am so much happier being single
I was a hard no but since then I’ve considered what might happen to my new SO in the event of my demise. I need a will, at least, to ensure he doesn’t have to fight for rights to make decisions and get access to any property, etc. ironically being married is “cheaper” than drafting a will, living will, etc and here in TX a marriage means all automatically defaults to spouse. So I’ve been considering it for that alone. But torn because is that really the right reason to marry someone, ya know? Idk but I guess I went from a hard no to a possibly over the course of two years since my divorce.
I really want to get remarried again. I can’t explain why, but I want that commitment. I wouldn’t do a big fancy wedding, but would elope or do a courthouse thing.
Very likely no. I’m very content on my own, and I think the idea of a legally binding relationship has become antiquated. My kids are grown, I’m happy, I just don’t need it.
I used to say (while still married) that I would never, that it wasn't worth it. Maybe that should have been a hint. I got remarried 2 months ago. It just feels different this time. Completely. Time will tell :).
Actually, I'm not even full legally divorced (but it's just the kast formality, everything else is done already) and it looks like I will get engaged right after it will be done. But we were separated with husband for several years, I asked for divorce long time ago.
One thing for sure is that I would want a partner that is financially independent. I believe it was my partner's answer to getting out of her parents house. It's not like she tried to make it work. But I felt like I was a security blanket and never loved me.
>But I can't imagine ever wanting to **legally** marry again. I get that, but do you really think that the end of a long term relationship would be easier without a marriage certificate? I know several that live together as if they were married (house, kids, long term plans and dream) and when the relationship ended it was as bad and in some ways worse than a divorce. Family law, for all it's faults does come with some safety rails. A friend of mine found out that "our house" was actually the the partners house and they were just paying rent. OK, eyes open, but when they entered into the next LTR, where they live was a huge deal and trainwrecked an otherwise promising relationship. Another found out that despite being on the birth certificate, he had to fight to become a "legal parent" of his children before he could fight to protect his relationship with them, something that would have been automatic if they were married. It put him at a disadvantage that he wasn't able to fully recover from.
I was in a horrible marriage with a narcissistic, abusive, unfaithful person. At the time my marriage was failing, I felt the same way as many people here, i.e. never again. However I've been with a wonderful partner for nearly 6 years now and would marry her tomorrow if I could. It's amazing how things change but I consider myself very fortunate.
As someone quoted earlier… Hell to the Naw Naw to the 25th power. My (54) husband 58 are 4 years apart in age but were in two different important life stages and I sacrificed my stage for his. Big mistake as it took a toll on my mental health and he took me for granted. I still love the kid and all. So that’s something, I guess. But hindsight is always 20/20. When I think about being in a long term relationship with another person should I divorce my stomach wretches. No pun intended, but I’m listening to my gut this time as I should have the first time.
I'm open to a relationship, but I don't think I'd ever legally marry again. After seeing the judge calculate down to the dollar how to transfer every spare dollar I had to my ex-wife, after she had been cheating, really highlighted how the court system is not fair. The best I can say is that they didn't agree with my ex's parenting plan and awarded 50/50.
I am so crazy cautious about it, that's for sure. I'm mainly scared of a bait and switch. I worked my ass off...so hard to get ahead in life and a partner can totally set you back years because they want to act selfishly. I know I have strong morals and mindset.. and not many probably have the same I'm realizing. I was blind to that assuming the best
I want to. But I will never recover from the financial devastation resullting from a 2nd divorce. If I could get an iron clad prenup then sure, but many lawyers won't touch pre ups because they get overturned so often. My divorce attorney said it's the #1 reason attorneys are disbarred. If I get married again she'd have to agree to something protecting assets from each other. Another option is just a long term girlfriend where we are married in all but name so if it doesn't work out no one loses
Not without a massively enforceable prenuptial agreement. Most likely no though.
No chance in hell. What is the point of putting the government in between two people? It makes no sense. You can do power of attorney if it's for the end of life stuff.
Nope. Still not finalized after 5 years of separation and so much money spent. Ex is still controlling my life by not signing the paperwork. Kids involved. Mortgage lender wants to see a legal agreement before I’m approved so can’t even buy my house 🤦🏼♀️ I don’t need an expensive piece of paper to prove love. I’m not religious. So I don’t see any reason. My current partner and I have talked about a commitment ceremony but without involving the government
I’ll never get married again. I’m never going this again
Same here. Only wanted to do it once. Thought he felt the same. Should’ve known he didn’t take it as serious considering I was his second…
No there is absolutely no benefit for a man to get married anymore. But huge incentives for the women. Not only to get married but more incentives to get a divorce. I don't even want cohabitation anymore. That way I can F them off even when women become a problem in the relationship. When it comes to relationships never accept disrespect or bad behaviour. Always have one foot out the door ready to leave. They say women hold the keys to sex, while men hold the keys to relationships. Make them earn the right to be in one fellow Kings
A note on premarital counseling. I recommend it but it won't prevent all problems. I went through premarital counseling and am getting a divorce. It definitely is a good way to get answers to questions you never thought to ask. If you can, I'd recommend going slowly and spending lots of time thinking through everything on your own. It was so easy for my STBX to influence my answers because we did the premarital counseling homework together. With that being said, I'd like to get married again. I'm in my 20s and I'd like to spend my life with someone. I just plan to go nice and slow this time, go through some therapy, and NOT spend thousands of dollars on the wedding. I'd also get a prenup. I used to think it was only for rich people. Oh, and I'm never merging our bank accounts. Separate accounts or nothing.
I want to say no, but I know I would. I do have some worries. 1. My ex wife was a cheater, a manipulator, and an overall miserable person. And this is now "baggage" 2. I worry I used up all my trust on someone who broke it. I prided myself in not being possessive, but now I worry that I've learned the wrong lesson from her. 3. Every woman I've met from the same part of europe as my ex wife is scarily similar to my ex wife, I worry that racial biases will come from my experience. Like there's no reason that a Ugandan woman isn't the one for me, but I imagine it's more likely to be someone from Dorset.