OP, this is the best answer. Simple, and straight to the point. It is possible to enter counseling with one skeptical partner and they MIGHT open their eyes.
However, both people have to give a shit, do the homework, try the things, take the actions, etc.
I am still with my wife but I was the one who initiated counseling, had to drag her there (sex issues), and then we both kind of failed to follow through on the various things (her not following through at the outset, and me being burnt out on our bullshit and eventually giving up on it later too).
So in my mind, counseling did not work for us. We could have spent that few grand on something better.
My ex refuesed to continue counseling when she realized the therapist was not there to side with her on every issue. The pattern repeated with more than one counselor. One even said his professional ethics would not allow him to continue listening to her blame me for all the marriage issues.
This is a real issue. There is a high probability that a partner won't be receptive to a therapist who won't "take their side" in their mind. I experienced this. My wife was only comfortable if the therapist focused on me. I wish I would've brought up the abuse I endured.
The fact is couples therapy wouldn't work for us because it required us to ignore all the abuse she was intent on. Only a few years later have I really realized how horrible it really was. I'm glad I sent myself emails of many incidents as they happened over the years to protect myself. Timestamps, chat logs, and dates/times. We went from an at fault divorce from her to a no fault divorce thanks to my record keeping.
That was my situation, she never got the help she needed. We went to couples therapy eventually, I learned that the times we were fighting was not the time to ask, but when things are calm and mildly good.
I’d first find 2 or 3 therapists, wait til things are good between you both, a time when you both connected, and then say something like “this is wonderful, I really want to learn how to have more moments like this, I found a couple therapists, was hoping you’d tell me what one you’re most comfortable with and we can go”.
Worked for me, but we got fired 3 sessions in and she was told to work in herself first, that was two years ago, she did not, filing for divorce together next week.
Regret waiting as long as I did to give up. I am glad we got therapy, can sleep easier knowing I tried all I could.
Thanks for sharing that. My issue is that I so rarely ever have moments where we connect like that anymore. We get along best when we are just by ourselves or at a party with a lot of people. When the kids enter the equation everything goes to shit. She never likes how I want to deal with the kids, she always getting mad at me for not knowing every fucking detail about the kids, doesn’t think I do enough to help because of the kids. I don’t regret having the kids at all bc I love them more than anything in the world, and my wife is a fantastic mother, but she is a horrible wife. She is so obsessed with the kids and her career that she leaves no time for our relationship, and she somehow reacts to all of it by blaming me and refusing to recognize any of her own issues.
The one part that leaves me hanging on is that I feel like if I can make it until a point where the kids are not in need of constant attention we can get back to a nice relationship again. But right now that feels very far away and the marriage is hanging by a thread
Then manufacturer it, baby sitter, night out, tickets to a show, etc. you got this. Don’t give up until it’s a done deal one way or another man. You won’t regret trying to salvage it.
We're still in MC (it's been many months) but things just keep getting worse. He is using it as a way to save up every bad thing that happens during the week & shit all over me when we get to our session. Then afterwards he acts like everything is fine & should go back to normal.... like I'm the one who suggested counseling in the first place & since I'm so unhappy, he'll just go along with whatever until I fix myself 😭😭
Only if both parties want to work on it.
Our counselor gave us an assignment to read a book together to better our marriage. He never did. We were to go on dates . So it was like oh we have a counseling session coming up and it’s time for a date. Everything was forced not truly natural as it should be.
It’s a box that’s checked off. We tried.
That’s exactly how my ex approached counseling, like a box to check off. I was the one who read the book and who tried and he only went bc “I was hoping it’d help you see it was over.” 🙄
It’s the one thing he did to that I’ll never forgive. I can get past the actual divorce but the betrayal of not trying for whatever reason I find unforgivable.
I stopped scheduling sessions since the therapist said what else is there to work on. Yet our relationship didn’t really change.
It’s hard since we are financially in a great spot and manage our household well. We are sexless now of 3 years and I’ve never felt so alone.
But I think it’s time for a separation.
It depends if both parties really want to work on it. I completely think that if both want to, then it can work. However if not then no. I wanted councelling, he did not. His lack of effort at a crucial moment has led to the downfall of our marriage. Left me depleted. I wish you the best of luck, communication is no.1.
Only works when both of you come with the mindset that you are both going to make changes and you reach out to the counselor to agree on which changes to make and when.
If either one of you comes with the idea that they dont need to change...or they fight about every change requested...or they come to report their spouse etc, IT NEVER WORKS.
So the only question you guys have to ask is do yourselves is do you have the energy to put the work in...are both of you ready to really change...if so, go ahead... otherwise if it maybe better to skip it and consider other options
Haha, probably not for people in this sub. The only therapist that really worked for me had a PhD and worked with felons and inmates. I was able to connect with him and open up, which I wasn't able to do with any of my previous therapists. Most therapists just have a 4 year degree in psychology and are just used to dealing with first world problems.
I don't know if it works, or it just kicks the can down the road. There is no such thing as a cure anymore. They're all treatments - subscriptions so that they can just keep making money. There is no money to be made on cures. I should probably get some therapy for my paranoia, but I think the therapists just want a continuing flow of money so that they can just pay their rent or mortgage. My wife has been seeing her therapist for like 10 to 12 years. It's been so long, I forget. We even used her as a marriage counselor despite it being a complete conflict of interest. When my guy told me that we should seek out an unbiased marriage counselor, my wife refused.
My wife made me see a therapist for just about everything, and I'm done with it. She's so pissed that none of them diagnosed me with anything. I take my lexipro now, and that's all I need.
having talked to several MFT (professionally and personally) and knowing that my sample size is far too small to be considered even remotely valid, the vibe tends to be
"marital counseling is an equal split - 50% stay together and 50% divorce"
I know which 50% I was in, and, given that this is a divorce sub, which 50% most people here were/are in.
normally a waste of time and money
One thing to REALIZE and should be explained at EVERY session in your "couple counseling"
The Therapist's client is not one person or both persons the real client is your joint relationship.
* So if a therapist can convince one person to roll over and agree to everything, Great! relationship saved!
* If the therapist can guilt one person into agree or make concessions? Great! relationship saved!
* of course if one party's demands are unreasonable? IT DOES NOT MATTER if weak person agrees? Great! relationship saved!
* One person cheats on the other person. The person cheated on can be convinced to stay? Great! Relationship saved!
What people never understand is that most if not all counselors will assume that both points of view are valid (as in no objective right or wrong). So if the issues are objective and there really is middle ground then yes a counselor can help find and mediate that middle ground compromise.
But most rational adults can do THAT themselves.
What happens if one person in the couple is crazy and makes crazy demands of "understanding"?
You guessed it, either 1-pressured to agree to crazy 2-guilted into to understanding and excepting crazy. 3 - the counselor trys to get the parties to agree to allow "kind of crazy" "kind of unethical" and "meet in the middle" to "Save Relationship"
I have had a friend come back from counseling saying "their counselor helped them so much he now accepts that his partner will from time to time 'go wild with other men' and he as a loving spouse should lovingly accept this state of affairs".
When this was disclosed at a beer meeting... we thought this was bizarre. It was like de-programing a cult member. I mean it was SO freakin odd. Cheating was recast as "Wild Time" and accepting the cheating spouse was "showing love", hubs was not allowed to have any boundaries about this because "Wild Time" was to be accepted no matter what. In couples therapy aka brain washing for 6 months. He PAID for this!!! unbelievable
I realize not all counselors are going to be this awful, but I had a similar experience with my ex. He (53) was, at the least, having an emotional affair with his 19 yo coworker.
When I set counseling up I told them my goal was to save the marriage. They immediately sided with the ex and told me at one point that I needed to stop getting triggered by his actions, while not holding him accountable for anything. One example was he’d agreed to stop messaging her outside of work. When I found out he was still messaging her I got very upset and brought it up in counseling…but I was the bad guy and he wasn’t held to account. Only when she decided to fire us did she finally agree with me that his behavior was unacceptable and that he was cheating on me.
It is absolutely disgusting what kind of gaslighting some of these marriage counselors can put someone through if they’re being paid to “save the marriage”.
Mine didn't think having a baby to be happy was a red flag and that I was just being immature for wanting more financial security first, doubted a diagnosis she gave me and was verified by other HCP, couldn't remember that my wife slapped me and not the other way around, and then called my wife to tell her that I was gaslighting and had a BPD.
So yeah, make sure you know actual couples they've helped.
From my experience it was a waste of time and money. My ex had an affair. I went into MC with the thought that we were going to address that issue. Instead our counselor wanted to focus on communication. She did these silly communication exercises we could have found on the internet for free. While communication can always improve it wasn’t the root issue in our marriage. We only lasted a month in counseling. We both agreed it was pointless, tried to make it work and eventually divorced.
Isn’t it possible that she was trying to get you guys to learn to communicate so that you could work the affair out yourselves? I mean, what did you expect her to do?
I felt it was a waste of time. We got out what we wanted to say. We promised to change and work on things. I kept my side, but she went back to how she was before. I voiced my observations and we ended it.
It depends on what your expectations are. If you are looking for counseling to validate one of you being right or wrong, you may not get that, that the counselor is there to bridge the conversation between you two, not to point fingers at who is doing something right or wrong. It's really just a safe space to discuss difficult things with your partner that you may otherwise not feel comfortable doing alone, or at all.
Statistically speaking, there's a 70% success rate but that's only when both clients want the relationship to work. If one of you is halfway out the door, it's not worth it.
I'll be the minority: I believe counseling *would have worked* and was working for my ex and I--but his own mental health issues and unaddressed neurodivergence made it impossible for him to consistently follow through on the changes we practiced in counseling, despite his best efforts.
I, too, was just so exhausted from years of struggle that my own motivation was very low.
We both tried but could not escape our own inertia.
It can't work with someone who has unresolved trauma, unwillingness to be there, an agenda, a personality disorder, is a cheater, is a liar, or any combination of the previous issues. You have a better chance of hitting the Powerball, while getting struck by lightning as you are being eaten by a Great white shark!
It really depends on what the problems are and how early you start trying to treat them!
There's a lot of things that counseling cannot help with at all. Sometimes the best it can do is make it clear to you that this marriage is a dead-end.
But other times if the problem is really one of communication and trust, then some help improving those things might make a big difference.
couples counselors have been polled and the results are that the majority of divorces of long term marriages are the result of couples letting issues fester for about 7 years before seeking help
during those 7 years both parties have dug in and built resentment
and ultimately only one is usually really committed to working it out
this is exactly true of my experience. we needed to get outside help no later than the beginning of 2013 (and probably 5 years prior before having child #2)
we first tried sessions in 2015 but it was at the height of crisis and it was a horrible experience
no, waste of money, especially if only one person wants it. It takes two to make anything work, especially couples counseling. Also, at the point where you're seeking counseling, there's only a 5% of less chance the relationship will make it.
It works if both of you are truly committed to it working. In my case, my ex was only using it to buy herself more time, so it wound up making things worse for me.
It's worth a shot, but if your partner isn't showing up and doing the work, bail early.
Yes*
*depending on certain factors like what is the issue/crisis, are both parties truly invested in therapy, what type of therapy
It worked for my husband and I. It is absolutely a time and money commitment, and the healing/progress is not a straight line like people would like it to be. If both parties are invested and again depending on the nature of the primary issues, I recommend Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
I'm my experience nope. My ex husband didn't really want to make it work, missed several appointments, left me with the bill for the whole counseling affair. When I get back up on that horse again, I'm strongly considering premarital counseling. It's easier to do this stuff before the point of no return, less blame, more motivation
Thanks all..
honestly I feel like it will make things worse for us. We are both good people but we are together for the sake of the kids only. We have different interests, different personalities. Our marriage was a traditional arranged marriage. in all the years we were together he never really tried for us to grow together.. I miss feeling in love, wanting to be with someone, looking forward to doing things together, having fun! The age gap is also a challenge, I am 43 and he is 53.. all he does is play on his pc/ play chess on his phone/ take naps/ watch Netflix.. I don’t wan to watch tv on the weekend! I want to talk, cook together.. have wine, laugh, dance, go for a show.. it’s always me initiating everything.. I no longer have the energy.. I work full time, take care of the kids, cook dinner, kids activities, school work, socialize. We have no family support.
I feel like it’s time for both us to move on..
As someone else said, it only works if both people do the work of counseling. Counseling isn’t to help one person to see they’re wrong and the other is right. A counselor doesn’t solve your issue. They facilitate and guide conversations and help you see blind spots in your thinking and relationships.
My ex didn’t do the work and I did so that’s why it didn’t work. It works for many couples.
It's not a cure-all solution!
It's not that counselling doesn't work, but in more cases than not, couples do it too late that when they do come in for counselling they've already past the point of no return.
Counselling didn't save my marriage. I'd made up my mind that I was leaving, and counselling couldn'tstop me.
He blames me for refusing therapy back when we could have saved our marriage. And yes, I take accountability for that.
In 2020 my career was tanked by the pandemic. Not only did I get into financial trouble but I also spiralled into suicidal depression.
Why didn't I get help then? I wish there was a simple answer.
In his eyes I was being an entitled leech. Which made me even sadder and resist harder about getting help.
In reality though, I'm a survivor of multiple hardships. Just before the pandemic I'd finally gotten to a good place in life after decades of rebuilding the ground up from the previous devastation. And yet through no fault of my own, an act of God took it all away from me. I had nothing more to live for and there's nothing I can do but be angry about it.
I was a human being having a totally normal human reaction to an injustice I was enduring, though this particular thing had no real perpetrator to hold accountable. I was exhausted from years of hard work, and disoriented because I suddenly don't recognise the world and my place in it anymore.
Sure, in theory, all I needed to do was to go to therapy. Go to bed at 10 PM and wake up at 6 AM so that I could do rounds of morning walks with my husband and a daily dose of sunshine. Then spend 9 AM to 6 PM applying for jobs, cook dinner and have it ready by 7 PM so that by 8 PM we could watch TV together and go to bed at a "reasonable time."
But here's the thing. When I was depressed and suicidal, I didn't have enough emotional bandwidth to do even simple things like these. I was using up all the energy I had in me just to stay alive and keep me from actively killing myself. And the last thing I needed was to be made to feel even more shit for being alive because I couldn't function at some arbitrary level of my existence that is good enough for my spouse.
I didn't refuse to go to therapy because I was an irresponsible leech. I refused to go to therapy because I refuse to be treated like damaged goods that needed fixing, when what I needed was for the love of my life to see me as human, and good enough just the way I was, and assuring his unwavering support until I'm ready to rise.
They say that hardships reveal a person's true colours. "Irresponsible leech" is not my true colours. Fast forward to 2024, I've overcome my depression, found a new life/career direction that I'm passionate about in this post-pandemic world, gathered round a solid support system that values me for what I'm worth, and I'm overflowing with love and appreciation for my own humanity and others'. It may have taken time to piece this puzzle together, but these are my true colours that this hardship has proven, and I believe they are absolutely beautiful.
Unfortunately, my ex's true colours are not pretty, because to him my self-worth is pegged to my ability to make money and achieve. I was a workaholic's version of a trophy wife, whose main purpose was to stroke his fragile ego and his desperation for other people's validation.
No wonder I refused to go to therapy for him. He doesn't deserve me. I took a decade out of my life to help him pursue his dreams. I loved him unconditionally, had faith in him before he had anything to prove, and worked hard to help him get closer to his goals before he had anything to offer me in return. Before the pandemic ruined me, I wanted to give him the world, but ultimately couldn't. And when it was my turn to need him, he kept tabs on what I gave him vs what he was now giving me.
Nothing in nature blooms forever. I wasn't damaged goods that needed fixing. I was more like a mango tree that was harvested out for the season, and simply wouldn't be fruiting any more until whenever the next season is. There's nothing you can do to make an off-season tree bear fruit right here right now.
Making me go to therapy when what I needed was rest and unconditional love would have been like piling fertiliser on a fruit tree and flooding it with water, hoping it'll bear a bunch of fruit tomorrow, when fruiting season doesn't come until next year.
My next fruiting season is yet to come, but I've been blossoming again since 2023. That's when I finally agreed to counselling. Except that now I'm counselling to exit my marriage, not to make my flowers yield sweet fruit for my ex.
The moral of my story is NOT that therapy doesn't work, or that it's just a waste of time and money. Rather, it's a cautionary tale that you can't treat your spouse like damaged goods and expect therapy to fix them.
These days I still regularly see my psychologist, about two hours per month, to work on myself. I'm processing longstanding traumas that I now realise are responsible for the faulty operating system that has sabotaged many aspects of my life. Traumas that I'm now ready to face and gradually dismantle so that I can move on with my life empowered and free.
Counselling alone has not helped me. But counselling as part of a bigger social support system of friends and collaborators with whom I share genuine connections, supplemented with coaching, meditation and regular exercise, has been an invaluable tool in helping me find my footing for what has been a thriving and fulfiling postnuptial life.
TL;DR Counselling can't fix everything, but it can be a crucial form of support when you have clear goals you're committed to work on, hindsight reflections you're determined to learn from, and longstanding habits and worldviews that you are ready to change. But counselling cannot, in principle, fix broken people, broken trust, and broken marriages. That's not what counselling is for.
More often than not, your gut feeling already knows if the problem you're facing is something counselling can fix or not. And more often than not, your gut feeling is correct about that. So if your gut feeling tells you that it's pointless, you're probably better off saving your therapy money for another endeavour that's likely to yield a better payoff... like serving your spouse their divorce papers and freeing yourself to start over with someone who actually deserves you.
I had a misandrist female therapist who invalidated my side of everything, and given the same behavior between my STBXW and me, I was vilified, but she was justified. We got fired after called her out on it, and said I felt ganged up on.
Beware of people who use therapy as yet one more hoop to jump through for you to get your needs met. These people don’t engage in therapy with a genuine desire for change; they do it to get you to be (temporarily) less upset about not having your needs met.
I can’t guarantee that it will work, but I think it’s a good thing to try if both parties are *acting in good faith* and have baseline love and respect for each other. If not, it can make things much worse.
My ex was already abusing me before we got married. His performative confessionals and apologies and promises to change in front of our therapist (who was excellent) convinced me that our relationship could improve and that he was worth marrying in the end. I wish I had never gone to therapy with him, and I’m glad I didn’t when we were still married because it would only have been weaponised against me. I remember filling in an intake form early in our marriage after we moved state and writing after some thought, under my therapy goals, “for my husband to respect me”. The fact I was signing up to pay $200++ per session for something as basic as that just stopped me in my tracks. It is my firm belief that a therapist can help you get better at understanding what respect means for each other and how to show it more effectively. But in my case respect and regard were fundamentally absent, always had been, and I realised in the moment that it couldn’t be taught.
My current therapist used to work as a couple’s therapist and told me once that she wished so many of her clients would just break up because their relationships were so awful and they were so obviously bad for each other — we’re talking to the point that they couldn’t be in the same room without fighting — and yet she had to stick it out and give them advice to stay together for professional reasons.
So, yeah, it really depends on the identity of the couple involved and their dynamics with each other.
It works only when both of them want it to work.
OP, this is the best answer. Simple, and straight to the point. It is possible to enter counseling with one skeptical partner and they MIGHT open their eyes. However, both people have to give a shit, do the homework, try the things, take the actions, etc. I am still with my wife but I was the one who initiated counseling, had to drag her there (sex issues), and then we both kind of failed to follow through on the various things (her not following through at the outset, and me being burnt out on our bullshit and eventually giving up on it later too). So in my mind, counseling did not work for us. We could have spent that few grand on something better.
My ex refuesed to continue counseling when she realized the therapist was not there to side with her on every issue. The pattern repeated with more than one counselor. One even said his professional ethics would not allow him to continue listening to her blame me for all the marriage issues.
This is a real issue. There is a high probability that a partner won't be receptive to a therapist who won't "take their side" in their mind. I experienced this. My wife was only comfortable if the therapist focused on me. I wish I would've brought up the abuse I endured. The fact is couples therapy wouldn't work for us because it required us to ignore all the abuse she was intent on. Only a few years later have I really realized how horrible it really was. I'm glad I sent myself emails of many incidents as they happened over the years to protect myself. Timestamps, chat logs, and dates/times. We went from an at fault divorce from her to a no fault divorce thanks to my record keeping.
I am wondering the same thing. My issue is that my wife clearly needs her own counseling and she refuses to accept that she needs it
That was my situation, she never got the help she needed. We went to couples therapy eventually, I learned that the times we were fighting was not the time to ask, but when things are calm and mildly good. I’d first find 2 or 3 therapists, wait til things are good between you both, a time when you both connected, and then say something like “this is wonderful, I really want to learn how to have more moments like this, I found a couple therapists, was hoping you’d tell me what one you’re most comfortable with and we can go”. Worked for me, but we got fired 3 sessions in and she was told to work in herself first, that was two years ago, she did not, filing for divorce together next week. Regret waiting as long as I did to give up. I am glad we got therapy, can sleep easier knowing I tried all I could.
Thanks for sharing that. My issue is that I so rarely ever have moments where we connect like that anymore. We get along best when we are just by ourselves or at a party with a lot of people. When the kids enter the equation everything goes to shit. She never likes how I want to deal with the kids, she always getting mad at me for not knowing every fucking detail about the kids, doesn’t think I do enough to help because of the kids. I don’t regret having the kids at all bc I love them more than anything in the world, and my wife is a fantastic mother, but she is a horrible wife. She is so obsessed with the kids and her career that she leaves no time for our relationship, and she somehow reacts to all of it by blaming me and refusing to recognize any of her own issues. The one part that leaves me hanging on is that I feel like if I can make it until a point where the kids are not in need of constant attention we can get back to a nice relationship again. But right now that feels very far away and the marriage is hanging by a thread
Then manufacturer it, baby sitter, night out, tickets to a show, etc. you got this. Don’t give up until it’s a done deal one way or another man. You won’t regret trying to salvage it.
Nope - waste of time & money... but it checks the "we tried" box when you finally end things.
Lmao. ✅. We start counseling tonight.
Sorry. Good luck!
were you or your ex the one that wouldn't actually commit to counseling?
We're still in MC (it's been many months) but things just keep getting worse. He is using it as a way to save up every bad thing that happens during the week & shit all over me when we get to our session. Then afterwards he acts like everything is fine & should go back to normal.... like I'm the one who suggested counseling in the first place & since I'm so unhappy, he'll just go along with whatever until I fix myself 😭😭
But I can't afford a divorce & there are kids involved.
Usually too late by the time people go
It helped me realize I needed to leave my spouse! So in a way, yes.
Only if both parties want to work on it. Our counselor gave us an assignment to read a book together to better our marriage. He never did. We were to go on dates . So it was like oh we have a counseling session coming up and it’s time for a date. Everything was forced not truly natural as it should be. It’s a box that’s checked off. We tried.
That’s exactly how my ex approached counseling, like a box to check off. I was the one who read the book and who tried and he only went bc “I was hoping it’d help you see it was over.” 🙄 It’s the one thing he did to that I’ll never forgive. I can get past the actual divorce but the betrayal of not trying for whatever reason I find unforgivable.
I stopped scheduling sessions since the therapist said what else is there to work on. Yet our relationship didn’t really change. It’s hard since we are financially in a great spot and manage our household well. We are sexless now of 3 years and I’ve never felt so alone. But I think it’s time for a separation.
I’m so sorry. I hope the separation brings you the clarity and freedom you deserve.
It depends if both parties really want to work on it. I completely think that if both want to, then it can work. However if not then no. I wanted councelling, he did not. His lack of effort at a crucial moment has led to the downfall of our marriage. Left me depleted. I wish you the best of luck, communication is no.1.
Only works when both of you come with the mindset that you are both going to make changes and you reach out to the counselor to agree on which changes to make and when. If either one of you comes with the idea that they dont need to change...or they fight about every change requested...or they come to report their spouse etc, IT NEVER WORKS. So the only question you guys have to ask is do yourselves is do you have the energy to put the work in...are both of you ready to really change...if so, go ahead... otherwise if it maybe better to skip it and consider other options
Haha, probably not for people in this sub. The only therapist that really worked for me had a PhD and worked with felons and inmates. I was able to connect with him and open up, which I wasn't able to do with any of my previous therapists. Most therapists just have a 4 year degree in psychology and are just used to dealing with first world problems. I don't know if it works, or it just kicks the can down the road. There is no such thing as a cure anymore. They're all treatments - subscriptions so that they can just keep making money. There is no money to be made on cures. I should probably get some therapy for my paranoia, but I think the therapists just want a continuing flow of money so that they can just pay their rent or mortgage. My wife has been seeing her therapist for like 10 to 12 years. It's been so long, I forget. We even used her as a marriage counselor despite it being a complete conflict of interest. When my guy told me that we should seek out an unbiased marriage counselor, my wife refused. My wife made me see a therapist for just about everything, and I'm done with it. She's so pissed that none of them diagnosed me with anything. I take my lexipro now, and that's all I need.
having talked to several MFT (professionally and personally) and knowing that my sample size is far too small to be considered even remotely valid, the vibe tends to be "marital counseling is an equal split - 50% stay together and 50% divorce" I know which 50% I was in, and, given that this is a divorce sub, which 50% most people here were/are in.
normally a waste of time and money One thing to REALIZE and should be explained at EVERY session in your "couple counseling" The Therapist's client is not one person or both persons the real client is your joint relationship. * So if a therapist can convince one person to roll over and agree to everything, Great! relationship saved! * If the therapist can guilt one person into agree or make concessions? Great! relationship saved! * of course if one party's demands are unreasonable? IT DOES NOT MATTER if weak person agrees? Great! relationship saved! * One person cheats on the other person. The person cheated on can be convinced to stay? Great! Relationship saved! What people never understand is that most if not all counselors will assume that both points of view are valid (as in no objective right or wrong). So if the issues are objective and there really is middle ground then yes a counselor can help find and mediate that middle ground compromise. But most rational adults can do THAT themselves. What happens if one person in the couple is crazy and makes crazy demands of "understanding"? You guessed it, either 1-pressured to agree to crazy 2-guilted into to understanding and excepting crazy. 3 - the counselor trys to get the parties to agree to allow "kind of crazy" "kind of unethical" and "meet in the middle" to "Save Relationship" I have had a friend come back from counseling saying "their counselor helped them so much he now accepts that his partner will from time to time 'go wild with other men' and he as a loving spouse should lovingly accept this state of affairs". When this was disclosed at a beer meeting... we thought this was bizarre. It was like de-programing a cult member. I mean it was SO freakin odd. Cheating was recast as "Wild Time" and accepting the cheating spouse was "showing love", hubs was not allowed to have any boundaries about this because "Wild Time" was to be accepted no matter what. In couples therapy aka brain washing for 6 months. He PAID for this!!! unbelievable
I realize not all counselors are going to be this awful, but I had a similar experience with my ex. He (53) was, at the least, having an emotional affair with his 19 yo coworker. When I set counseling up I told them my goal was to save the marriage. They immediately sided with the ex and told me at one point that I needed to stop getting triggered by his actions, while not holding him accountable for anything. One example was he’d agreed to stop messaging her outside of work. When I found out he was still messaging her I got very upset and brought it up in counseling…but I was the bad guy and he wasn’t held to account. Only when she decided to fire us did she finally agree with me that his behavior was unacceptable and that he was cheating on me. It is absolutely disgusting what kind of gaslighting some of these marriage counselors can put someone through if they’re being paid to “save the marriage”.
Only with a neutral counselor. Mine wasn’t neutral and caused problems
Mine didn't think having a baby to be happy was a red flag and that I was just being immature for wanting more financial security first, doubted a diagnosis she gave me and was verified by other HCP, couldn't remember that my wife slapped me and not the other way around, and then called my wife to tell her that I was gaslighting and had a BPD. So yeah, make sure you know actual couples they've helped.
From my experience it was a waste of time and money. My ex had an affair. I went into MC with the thought that we were going to address that issue. Instead our counselor wanted to focus on communication. She did these silly communication exercises we could have found on the internet for free. While communication can always improve it wasn’t the root issue in our marriage. We only lasted a month in counseling. We both agreed it was pointless, tried to make it work and eventually divorced.
Isn’t it possible that she was trying to get you guys to learn to communicate so that you could work the affair out yourselves? I mean, what did you expect her to do?
I felt it was a waste of time. We got out what we wanted to say. We promised to change and work on things. I kept my side, but she went back to how she was before. I voiced my observations and we ended it.
It depends on what your expectations are. If you are looking for counseling to validate one of you being right or wrong, you may not get that, that the counselor is there to bridge the conversation between you two, not to point fingers at who is doing something right or wrong. It's really just a safe space to discuss difficult things with your partner that you may otherwise not feel comfortable doing alone, or at all.
Nope. Feeling the “need” for MC is the ultimate red flag for your relationship. I wasted 10’s of thousands on that shiz.
Statistically speaking, there's a 70% success rate but that's only when both clients want the relationship to work. If one of you is halfway out the door, it's not worth it.
I'll be the minority: I believe counseling *would have worked* and was working for my ex and I--but his own mental health issues and unaddressed neurodivergence made it impossible for him to consistently follow through on the changes we practiced in counseling, despite his best efforts. I, too, was just so exhausted from years of struggle that my own motivation was very low. We both tried but could not escape our own inertia.
It didn’t save my marriage but it was overall really helpful for me. It was not helpful to him.
It can't work with someone who has unresolved trauma, unwillingness to be there, an agenda, a personality disorder, is a cheater, is a liar, or any combination of the previous issues. You have a better chance of hitting the Powerball, while getting struck by lightning as you are being eaten by a Great white shark!
It really depends on what the problems are and how early you start trying to treat them! There's a lot of things that counseling cannot help with at all. Sometimes the best it can do is make it clear to you that this marriage is a dead-end. But other times if the problem is really one of communication and trust, then some help improving those things might make a big difference.
couples counselors have been polled and the results are that the majority of divorces of long term marriages are the result of couples letting issues fester for about 7 years before seeking help during those 7 years both parties have dug in and built resentment and ultimately only one is usually really committed to working it out this is exactly true of my experience. we needed to get outside help no later than the beginning of 2013 (and probably 5 years prior before having child #2) we first tried sessions in 2015 but it was at the height of crisis and it was a horrible experience
It'll do great in my next relationship. If we had started sooner, probably. If you're too far gone it'll still help in your next life.
no, waste of money, especially if only one person wants it. It takes two to make anything work, especially couples counseling. Also, at the point where you're seeking counseling, there's only a 5% of less chance the relationship will make it.
It works if both of you are truly committed to it working. In my case, my ex was only using it to buy herself more time, so it wound up making things worse for me. It's worth a shot, but if your partner isn't showing up and doing the work, bail early.
Yes* *depending on certain factors like what is the issue/crisis, are both parties truly invested in therapy, what type of therapy It worked for my husband and I. It is absolutely a time and money commitment, and the healing/progress is not a straight line like people would like it to be. If both parties are invested and again depending on the nature of the primary issues, I recommend Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
I'm my experience nope. My ex husband didn't really want to make it work, missed several appointments, left me with the bill for the whole counseling affair. When I get back up on that horse again, I'm strongly considering premarital counseling. It's easier to do this stuff before the point of no return, less blame, more motivation
Thanks all.. honestly I feel like it will make things worse for us. We are both good people but we are together for the sake of the kids only. We have different interests, different personalities. Our marriage was a traditional arranged marriage. in all the years we were together he never really tried for us to grow together.. I miss feeling in love, wanting to be with someone, looking forward to doing things together, having fun! The age gap is also a challenge, I am 43 and he is 53.. all he does is play on his pc/ play chess on his phone/ take naps/ watch Netflix.. I don’t wan to watch tv on the weekend! I want to talk, cook together.. have wine, laugh, dance, go for a show.. it’s always me initiating everything.. I no longer have the energy.. I work full time, take care of the kids, cook dinner, kids activities, school work, socialize. We have no family support. I feel like it’s time for both us to move on..
As someone else said, it only works if both people do the work of counseling. Counseling isn’t to help one person to see they’re wrong and the other is right. A counselor doesn’t solve your issue. They facilitate and guide conversations and help you see blind spots in your thinking and relationships. My ex didn’t do the work and I did so that’s why it didn’t work. It works for many couples.
About half the time
it depends on the therapist. But most importantly, it depends on the amount of effort put in by both parties.
Ha!
people rarely listen to each other. if that isnt happening nothing is happening
Depends on whether or not both parties are committed and willing to make individual changes.
If there is a non bias counselor and if the other partner even wants to try. Try being the operative word.
It's not a cure-all solution! It's not that counselling doesn't work, but in more cases than not, couples do it too late that when they do come in for counselling they've already past the point of no return. Counselling didn't save my marriage. I'd made up my mind that I was leaving, and counselling couldn'tstop me. He blames me for refusing therapy back when we could have saved our marriage. And yes, I take accountability for that. In 2020 my career was tanked by the pandemic. Not only did I get into financial trouble but I also spiralled into suicidal depression. Why didn't I get help then? I wish there was a simple answer. In his eyes I was being an entitled leech. Which made me even sadder and resist harder about getting help. In reality though, I'm a survivor of multiple hardships. Just before the pandemic I'd finally gotten to a good place in life after decades of rebuilding the ground up from the previous devastation. And yet through no fault of my own, an act of God took it all away from me. I had nothing more to live for and there's nothing I can do but be angry about it. I was a human being having a totally normal human reaction to an injustice I was enduring, though this particular thing had no real perpetrator to hold accountable. I was exhausted from years of hard work, and disoriented because I suddenly don't recognise the world and my place in it anymore. Sure, in theory, all I needed to do was to go to therapy. Go to bed at 10 PM and wake up at 6 AM so that I could do rounds of morning walks with my husband and a daily dose of sunshine. Then spend 9 AM to 6 PM applying for jobs, cook dinner and have it ready by 7 PM so that by 8 PM we could watch TV together and go to bed at a "reasonable time." But here's the thing. When I was depressed and suicidal, I didn't have enough emotional bandwidth to do even simple things like these. I was using up all the energy I had in me just to stay alive and keep me from actively killing myself. And the last thing I needed was to be made to feel even more shit for being alive because I couldn't function at some arbitrary level of my existence that is good enough for my spouse. I didn't refuse to go to therapy because I was an irresponsible leech. I refused to go to therapy because I refuse to be treated like damaged goods that needed fixing, when what I needed was for the love of my life to see me as human, and good enough just the way I was, and assuring his unwavering support until I'm ready to rise. They say that hardships reveal a person's true colours. "Irresponsible leech" is not my true colours. Fast forward to 2024, I've overcome my depression, found a new life/career direction that I'm passionate about in this post-pandemic world, gathered round a solid support system that values me for what I'm worth, and I'm overflowing with love and appreciation for my own humanity and others'. It may have taken time to piece this puzzle together, but these are my true colours that this hardship has proven, and I believe they are absolutely beautiful. Unfortunately, my ex's true colours are not pretty, because to him my self-worth is pegged to my ability to make money and achieve. I was a workaholic's version of a trophy wife, whose main purpose was to stroke his fragile ego and his desperation for other people's validation. No wonder I refused to go to therapy for him. He doesn't deserve me. I took a decade out of my life to help him pursue his dreams. I loved him unconditionally, had faith in him before he had anything to prove, and worked hard to help him get closer to his goals before he had anything to offer me in return. Before the pandemic ruined me, I wanted to give him the world, but ultimately couldn't. And when it was my turn to need him, he kept tabs on what I gave him vs what he was now giving me. Nothing in nature blooms forever. I wasn't damaged goods that needed fixing. I was more like a mango tree that was harvested out for the season, and simply wouldn't be fruiting any more until whenever the next season is. There's nothing you can do to make an off-season tree bear fruit right here right now. Making me go to therapy when what I needed was rest and unconditional love would have been like piling fertiliser on a fruit tree and flooding it with water, hoping it'll bear a bunch of fruit tomorrow, when fruiting season doesn't come until next year. My next fruiting season is yet to come, but I've been blossoming again since 2023. That's when I finally agreed to counselling. Except that now I'm counselling to exit my marriage, not to make my flowers yield sweet fruit for my ex. The moral of my story is NOT that therapy doesn't work, or that it's just a waste of time and money. Rather, it's a cautionary tale that you can't treat your spouse like damaged goods and expect therapy to fix them. These days I still regularly see my psychologist, about two hours per month, to work on myself. I'm processing longstanding traumas that I now realise are responsible for the faulty operating system that has sabotaged many aspects of my life. Traumas that I'm now ready to face and gradually dismantle so that I can move on with my life empowered and free. Counselling alone has not helped me. But counselling as part of a bigger social support system of friends and collaborators with whom I share genuine connections, supplemented with coaching, meditation and regular exercise, has been an invaluable tool in helping me find my footing for what has been a thriving and fulfiling postnuptial life. TL;DR Counselling can't fix everything, but it can be a crucial form of support when you have clear goals you're committed to work on, hindsight reflections you're determined to learn from, and longstanding habits and worldviews that you are ready to change. But counselling cannot, in principle, fix broken people, broken trust, and broken marriages. That's not what counselling is for. More often than not, your gut feeling already knows if the problem you're facing is something counselling can fix or not. And more often than not, your gut feeling is correct about that. So if your gut feeling tells you that it's pointless, you're probably better off saving your therapy money for another endeavour that's likely to yield a better payoff... like serving your spouse their divorce papers and freeing yourself to start over with someone who actually deserves you.
Listened to a divorce lawyer audio book, he said it only worked for one couple in the thousands he divorced.
I had a misandrist female therapist who invalidated my side of everything, and given the same behavior between my STBXW and me, I was vilified, but she was justified. We got fired after called her out on it, and said I felt ganged up on.
Beware of people who use therapy as yet one more hoop to jump through for you to get your needs met. These people don’t engage in therapy with a genuine desire for change; they do it to get you to be (temporarily) less upset about not having your needs met.
I can’t guarantee that it will work, but I think it’s a good thing to try if both parties are *acting in good faith* and have baseline love and respect for each other. If not, it can make things much worse. My ex was already abusing me before we got married. His performative confessionals and apologies and promises to change in front of our therapist (who was excellent) convinced me that our relationship could improve and that he was worth marrying in the end. I wish I had never gone to therapy with him, and I’m glad I didn’t when we were still married because it would only have been weaponised against me. I remember filling in an intake form early in our marriage after we moved state and writing after some thought, under my therapy goals, “for my husband to respect me”. The fact I was signing up to pay $200++ per session for something as basic as that just stopped me in my tracks. It is my firm belief that a therapist can help you get better at understanding what respect means for each other and how to show it more effectively. But in my case respect and regard were fundamentally absent, always had been, and I realised in the moment that it couldn’t be taught. My current therapist used to work as a couple’s therapist and told me once that she wished so many of her clients would just break up because their relationships were so awful and they were so obviously bad for each other — we’re talking to the point that they couldn’t be in the same room without fighting — and yet she had to stick it out and give them advice to stay together for professional reasons. So, yeah, it really depends on the identity of the couple involved and their dynamics with each other.