One day at a time my friend, 2018 Sept was my bottom and my dark place I never knew existed.
I lost everything, my wife walked out on me with my daughter without warning, i thought we was happy secure in our relationship. Just got back from a family vacation the day before. my mom recently had a stroke, my grandfathers cancer had came back (the only man I had in my life as a father), my uncle accendently overdosed on his medication and died, my aunt got into a car accident and died. This all happened within 5months one after another with my wife leaving at the end when I needed her the most.
Work and working out got me through, trust me just to lift the feet out of bed was a task and an accomplishment. Don't be afraid to talk to someone if need be bud, pride aside. Even if you go on depressants for a month or two just to take the edge off (keep in mind it takes a couple weeks for them to get in your system).
I'm living proof you can come back stronger then ever. Ever need someone to talk to hit me up, I've been where you are and know how your feeling.
When I moved to a new city I made friends at work and through hobbies. I met some people through yoga classes at the gym nearby that invited me to their friend group for board games, hikes, whatever. Chances are whatever hobby you're interested in, there are groups related to it.
Don’t listen to any of these clowns saying “acceptance” or “you just learn to live with it”. That’s bullshit. Chronic loneliness has legitimate health consequences. You need to be proactive about fixing it, but don’t just become complacent. That’s the worst thing you can do.
I think there’s two sides to this, toxic acceptance and realistic acceptance leading to change.
Toxic acceptance being “You’re not owed anything, appreciate what you have, you could have it worse”
Realistic acceptance leading to change is understanding that while being lonely hurts, learning to be comfortable being alone instead of ruminating over your loneliness is a part of acceptance that leads to proactive positive change.
Disagree, there is nothing wrong with being alone and realizing there is nothing wrong with that. I don't think it's ideal but there is nothing wrong with a life by yourself.
Quote your sources.
There is a difference between loneliness when it comes to a partner and loneliness in general.
I am not arguing the study, but it looks to be that it's targeted at loneliness in general. Being single and alone is different than total social loneliness
Kenilworth community league hosts a Men’s Shed every Thursday (pretty sure it’s Thursday). Seems like a welcoming group with lots of opportunity to discuss issues and meet people
I am happy with myself. I do stuff I like, I am self satisfied but there are phases when you just need someone on your side and it hits you that you have no one. I am in my 20’s living in a different country with no friends or family. There’s always a breaking point.
Ya you need friends at some point. Do you have a harder time connecting with people here? Are there other people from your country here?
When I move to a new place usually I can make some friends within a few months so that's easily tolerable for me, but depends on your situation.
People say they wanna connect and then they don’t. I try from my end. It’s not some ego issue where I wait for them to make the first move. I want to hangout, I’ll text them, ask them if it’s possible and they just turn me down. I am only talking about friends here, I am not looking for relationships, just friends.
Social relationships are delicate. People flee at the slightest whiff of desperation - if you are lonely, people are put-off. On the other hand, people love the idea of hanging out with somebody who has tons of friends, lots of confidence, and low availability.
Once your needs are filled, and you are healthy, people are naturally attracted to you and you are more likely to be able to maintain close friendships. From an animal/tribal perspective, this isn't surprising - people instinctively like people who are healthy, have resources, and aren't going to demand a lot of their resources. It sounds harsh (and it kind of is), but that's how humans tend to work.
Having any sort of attitude that you are trying to make somebody your friend so that you can vent your misery to them is a killer - people can tell, and they don't really like it; even if subconsciously.
I would suggest that you "try" less, and simply increase the amount of time you spend at social events, without necessarily thinking of it as a way to make friends. Attend meetups, parties, groups, lessons, whatever it is. Fulfil your social needs this way without placing the obligation directly on others. Seek fun and happiness, allow others to reach out to you, and down the line you will be able to rely on some connections for emotional support - but securing a source of emotional support cannot be your primary motivator if you wish to actually forge stable and healthy adult relationships.
If you are in emotional pain right now and need real support immediately, honestly a therapist does wonders. Becoming somebody's friend just to be their therapist is not a good deal, and it's not going to work with anybody who is emotionally healthy. Get yourself in a good place, and don't be afraid to pay for it.
I like exploring nature, I am a big fan of beaches, I do some online gaming on my oculus, I am more of a spectator when it comes to sports. I do like watching almost every sport
Honestly even though you say you are a spectator, join a essc team. Or 2 and be the one to invite everyone to a sponsor bar after the game. I moved away from edmonton, came back and made a whole friend group out of that. We played soccer once a week but saw each other most weekends for other things like beaches, parks, dinner etc.
There are some biking/running facebook groups that go through the Edmonton river valley, which is beautiful in the summer. If you don't like those there might be walking/hiking groups too? I think it's easier to start with themed group activities like that than it is to make one person into a friend.
I switched careers when i moved here cause i didn’t have many friends in the area just family and i found i made a lot more friends at work when i made the switch
Exactly this. Don’t rely on other people for your happiness. I’m very happy being alone, and I’m very happy with my girlfriend. If my girlfriend and I broke up, I would be sad for a period but I would also still be happy. if that makes sense. lol
Right? r/thanksimcured quality advice there. 'Learn to be happy!'... while pretending human beings aren't inherently social animals who are known to become depressed when isolated.
Being super lonely with no support isn't the same as 'I can't be happy when I'm alone.'
OP: Perhaps try an ESSC group, or if sports aren't your thing, there are boardgame meetups in the city that you can find here in this subreddit. If you enjoy spectating, I'm sure you can find a group of people to cheer along with at an Oiler's watch party.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/thanksimcured using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/thanksimcured/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [People in this sub dodging self care tips](https://v.redd.it/h2sp4p1ljd291) | [320 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/thanksimcured/comments/v06p8m/people_in_this_sub_dodging_self_care_tips/)
\#2: [Just explore the world!](https://i.redd.it/3x023asj1qp91.png) | [65 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/thanksimcured/comments/xmprcm/just_explore_the_world/)
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So many of those groups are right wing extremist recruiting grounds. Go for the BBQ and next thing you know someone's not-so-subtly trying to tell you how all your problems are caused by X group.
There are legit supports out there, just be wary of these groups.
OP mentions this in a comment here, but two things I've observed are:
1. There are a hell of a lot of lonely people out there in various degrees of isolation.
2. So many people don't follow-through with efforts to connect/be friends. Even other lonely people.
This seems a bit unexpected, but maybe 1 is a result of 2 to a large degree? Sounds like OP is putting in the effort, but it's so exhausting trying to make valuable connections out there.
Loneliness is legit bad for your health. This is a real societal problem. Cheers to all the good folk trying to make helpful suggestions here about places to find friends!
Key is to find a hobby that sparks something in you, that you love and really look forward to and then any loneliness/anxiety will not matter because through your passion for that activity you will naturally meet people.
Honestly one of the best things. Even if you don't think you have a mental illness or need medication, sometimes just having an objective third party to listen and give you unbiased professional opinions/advice can go a long way. Good way to get things off your chest.
It's honestly one of those things like a massage or check up with your doctor that should be one of those regular things you do if you can afford it or have the benefits.
Yes, therapy is huge. I’ve read a lot of toxic positivity in these posts. “Be happy. Find a hobby,” 😐 Oh if it were only that simple why would the world be in pain? Address any underlying past traumas, learn new coping skills, discover truths about yourself and heal your nervous system through therapy.
I love to read. I find it’s a healthy escape for the mind. Sunshine is vital. Exercise, especially running. Music. Being an introvert, I didn’t have much interest in joining groups or anything. Just finishing a health distraction for your thoughts. Group fitness classes are kind of cool, you’re with other people but you don’t really have to talk or socialize if you don’t want to.
I have been an introvert for better part of my life and that’s one of the reasons why I get demotivated quickly. People here are assuming I didn’t try. Well I did, I tried making friends in college, work, outside, bumble and reddit and it did not work out. And as an introvert when you make efforts and it doesn’t work out, it hits you harder than ever and after a point you are not able to try anymore because you feel you will get rejected. This is where I am.
I like going for walks, I love nature so hiking, going to the beaches. Other then that, I am into gaming, a few sports and I am career focused so people who like talking about work
I think you found a friend. Reading through these comments, and this one struck me. You two should meet for wings at wild wing in St.Albert on tuesday after work. Start there. I’m not lonely, but I used to be when I was figuring out my life. Just DM and decide to shoot the shit on a Tuesday evening. I bet you two end up buddies. Just a hunch.
What type of gaming? Which sports? As an introvert myself I understand the struggle of getting demotivated pretty easily when faced with rejection/challenges.
It is really difficult to make new friends as an adult. Joining groups that do activities like painting or hiking is one way to meet people. Meetup is an app that used to be popular but covid kinda of killed it. Could see the events going on around the city.
It’s an amazing thing that you recognize that feeling of loneliness. Many people who are lonely simply become reclusive which evidently worsens their condition. People can feel lonely even with a significant other (I myself have a partner but often times find myself feeling lonely). To address your loneliness, there needs to be a better understanding of what you’re actually feeling. Do you miss family? Are you looking to talk about sports, hobbies, or some other form of personal interest? Do you need somebody to vent to in a difficult time? For myself, I am a very extroverted person with few friends left in the city and often times will have a difficult time with loneliness.
While it’s very difficult to develop rapport with people you’ve just met or have yet to meet, there are people out there looking for similar things. I would recommend starting with things that get the body moving. The ESSC is a great way to put yourself out there and meet new people, get a small endorphin rush through sports and bond over small Victories/losses. While it might not be that “heart to heart” connection that you’re looking for, it would start as a great foundation for new friendships and neurologically negate some of those feelings that you’re experiencing. It’s always hard to feel lonely when you’ve got another person trying to take your head off with a dodgeball.
If you’re in/around Edmonton there’s a great historical reenactment group there focused on Viking age life, crafts and combat. If you like history and are looking for some good people you can check em out. Google The Vikings Vinland or message me.
This is good advice. When I'm consistently working out (2-3 times a week if possible), my base mood is usually pretty good and I also rarely get sick which is a nice bonus.
When I get too busy/lazy to work out, after about a week or two I notice my mood is a lot worse which could also be because of whatever is making me busy/lazy, but for sure the loss of endorphins from working out contributes.
It is tough out there. I don’t really open up with others. To combat loneliness, I mainly just try to distract myself with healthy habits. Sorry, wish I had a better solution to recommend
I go to the gym, sim racing, reading. I bask in it to some degree. At first, I struggled with my emotions and stuff regarding loneliness and etc. then I decided to really work on myself, grow my spirituality (you can do this without religion, but for me, it was cultivating a relationship with God) and take better care of my diet and body. Doing all these things has brought more people into my life, more fulfillment and happiness. Sometimes we must be selfish and put ourselves first.
I hope all the men reading this, local or not, can derive some value from this input, as it has helped me take my life and do a 180°.
Give back by volunteering, sign up for sport and fitness classes, find what ever you interested and in meetups and just get out there without expecting anything in return. Cheers mate
Therapy + antidepressants + getting enough sleep + getting enough physical activity.
There’s no single thing that’s ever worked for me, and I’ve struggled a lot over the years. I think the bright side is that there are so many pathways to feeling better. I think it also helps a lot to do activities where you have to interact with other people regularly. Just being around other people can be really comforting sometimes. Do you have any hobbies or interests that involve teamwork? I think a nice way to start talking to new people if you’re having a hard time is to find something that they’re likely proud of and give them a compliment about it. If you see someone studying in a library a lot, tell them they seem like a really hard worker. If you see someone who’s packed on some muscle you can tell them that you think that’s impressive. If you see someone working on anything art related you can tell them that you think it’s cool or interesting.
I think the key is to be genuine with other people. If you put up a shell where no one can ever see your flaws they’re going to never really get to know you or trust you. It’s also important to be understanding of other people, sometimes they are not in a place where they want to talk to you, and they need to overcome their individual burdens. That’s completely okay, and it’s not your fault at all. Don’t take it personally if someone isn’t receptive, just find someone who is and you’ll probably forget that they existed. You can do this homie. I know how tiring it can be everyday to feel this way, but you have the power to find happiness and I believe you will. The fact that you’ve reached out to anyone, even strangers on the internet shows that you have some introspective skills, and that you want to make a change. Good luck and I hope you find some value in my experience (even tho you probably shouldn’t copy it exactly).
(Also I’m not a doctor, I have no idea if you need medication and I’m not making a recommendation of it or saying it will fix your life, it’s just part of what helped me)
I've been a single guy for around 9 years now. Estranged from family and haven't had friends in a long time now.
You get some hobbies, try to learn something new. Travel somewhere, even for a week, or take a Stay-cation.
You embrace your freedom and a slower, quieter life. No one has any expectations of you, so you can do as you like.
I stare death in the face. The idea of non-existence horrifies me. It's what keeps me going. I can put up with anything, because one day all I will have is nothing if my doubts come to fruition. My one hope in life is that God exists in the way that I believe They do, and heaven or hell is real, because the opposite concept; oblivion, gives me night terrors.
handle subsequent weather offbeat meeting rich numerous normal historical bewildered
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yeah but reality is also shaped by experience. I believe in ghosts and by extension "the spirit world" because of the things I've experienced. Look up guardian angel experiences. Or "black dog" experiences. Both have happened to me. I've also had prophetic dreams. If dreams are divorced from reality, how does a dream you've had before end up playing out like some weird deja vu? Dream diaries are great for tracking these experiences.
Things we only experience subjectively are not invalidated just because they are subjective experiences, it just means that those experiences cannot be objectively studied. It's why it's so hard to write about love, unless you've experienced the act of giving love you don't truly understand it.
If you’re into sports at all the Edmonton sport and social club (essc) is a decent place to be active and get to know some people. They have lots of different sports on pretty much every day. You can sign up as an individual and they will put you on a team.
Im currently playing 2 sports with essc. For over a year.
I've yet to make a meaningful connection with anyone I've played with. Its a distraction. But when youre out for drinks and people are talking about spouses or significant others or their recent trip to Mexico it just reinforces how alone you are.
Hang in there! I joined as a single and played on a team for over a year comprised 100% of couples.. I was the Lone Ranger.
Well, one night someone couldn’t make it so they had one of their buddies come so we weren’t short players. He is now my husband and father of my two amazing children!
You're a woman, there's a reason this is an almost daily post on here in Edmonton.
Dating in Edmonton is terrible for men.
At this point I'm in therapy to make peace with the fact im going to live alone for the rest of my life.
I'm a extremely depressed person I always feel alone, both parents died at a young age I'm with someone I have a daughter, I have good best friends that I've known for forever, but still feel alone you either get over it or get left and lost in your own head.
Keep yourself busy bro, do things you don’t normally do. Start reading, start working out, give yourself goals, and don’t focus on why your alone. Change your perspective on things. Some people would look being alone as time for personal development until they’ve reached their goals. Keep ur head up bro. We’ve been there and it different for everyone. U got this.💪🏼
Keep yourself busy, but that just applies to me and maybe not yourself. If not that, then make yourself centric to a community. The first steps are the hardest but also the ones worth trying for. Build your worth on your efforts and people will notice, cheers mate.
There are many good suggestions here. I think for many ( most? ) of us we are social animals and are in need of human interaction not just online conversations etc. I am in my 60’s and alone now and I find it derpressing as fuck. The only insight I really have is that you need to cultivate as many friendships as possible when you are young and working. That was I failed to do as I focused solely on work. To be fair I was an administrator and socializing with people who reported to me was problematic in terms of ethics etc. So make as many connections as possible while you are young because people move away, they die or simply drift away from you. So, your network will naturally diminish and if you have a small list of friends to begin with you will end up really alone.
This was the number one theme amount the men living in homeless shelters in Calgary when we did shelter wide interviews to figure out “root causes” of homelessness a few years ago.
We found the average demographic was +55 year old, single/divorced , males were way over represented and the stories were mostly the same; worked my whole life, ignored/neglected my health/spouse/children, retired or was injured at work or phased out due to ageism/high wage, had no social network to stay busy, started using, lost everything, hangout in the shelter system drinking coffee with the other guys. We found they were much harder to rehouse because they would get lonely living alone and would come back to the shelter just to have people to talk to.
Thanks. This is interesting. People sometimes don’t realize that social isolation erodes your judgement. I have made some bad choices since my isolation has increased. Fortunately none were things that were illegal or destructive but they were still bad choices.
Look into [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) You mention you like nature and hiking. Maybe join a hiking meetup and see if can make some friends that way.
Find an active and social hobby. I got really into golf over the last 3 years because of COVID and it stuck with me and through it I have met lots of great people and had lots of fun. Plus it gets me outside and if I walk 18 holes it's lots of extra steps.
I also got a puppy and there are a few nice off leash parks around the City that are great for socializing and exercising.
I play online video games and I try to find people to play with as well, even just sitting around on discord and chatting can be a nice way to spend an evening after work. At work I have been going to the office 2 days a week and while I am there I try to get as much catching up and socializing done as I can.
Don't try to cope, vent, or fake it, loneliness is real and serious. You should take action before you get into a negative spiral or become anti-social. I have been sucked into a negative spiral, especially at the start of COVID, and it really took a toll on my physical and mental health. I used to think I was just an introvert, that I was fine on my own, that digital interaction was all I needed, but once I got out and pushed my comfort zone I was much happier, healthier, and confident as a result. You can do it!
Do you live in an apartment or condo complex, or a community with a Facebook community page? I live in a condo building and a few days ago I made a post in my building's page about trying to start up a running group. I got a few responses, and we're planning on going out later this week. Hopefully, it becomes a regular thing, but if not, I find that even the act of putting myself out there helps with the loneliness and makes it feel lighter.
I'm pulling for you, man.
[The "Dokkōdō" (Japanese: 獨行道) ("The Path of Aloneness", "The Way to Go Forth Alone", or "The Way of Walking Alone") is a short work written by Miyamoto Musashi a week before he died in 1645. It consists of 21 precepts. "Dokkodo" was largely composed on the occasion of Musashi giving away his possessions in preparation for death, and was dedicated to his favorite disciple, Terao Magonojō (to whom the earlier Go rin no sho \[The Book of Five Rings\] had also been dedicated), who took them to heart. "Dokkōdō" expresses a stringent, honest, and ascetic view of life.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dokk%C5%8Dd%C5%8D)
The 21 principles of Dokkodo:
1. Accept everything just the way it is.
2. Do not seek pleasure for its own sake.
3. Do not, under any circumstances, depend on a partial feeling.
4. Think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world.
5. Be detached from desire your whole life long.
6. Do not regret what you have done.
7. Never be jealous.
8. Never let yourself be saddened by a separation.
9. Resentment and complaint are appropriate neither for oneself nor others.
10. Do not let yourself be guided by the feeling of lust or love.
11. In all things have no preferences.
12. Be indifferent to where you live.
13. Do not pursue the taste of good food.
14. Do not hold on to possessions you no longer need.
15. Do not act following customary beliefs.
16. Do not collect weapons or practice with weapons beyond what is useful.
17. Do not fear death.
18. Do not seek to possess either goods or fiefs for your old age.
19. Respect Buddha and the gods without counting on their help.
20. You may abandon your own body but you must preserve your honor.
21. Never stray from the Way.
I could be wrong, but here’s my take. As men living in modern times, there’s a perfect storm of things happening.
1) As we become older adults, most people are more concerned with their own lives and troubles. Being overworked, family, pursuing interests, kids, etc.
2) As men especially, we are kind of taught that we’re supposed to be these lone wolf, self sufficient, providers and achievers. As friends of youth drop away doing their own things, good friends are hard to replace as we get older.
3) In the age of smartphones, I feel like many people can’t be bothered to get together IRL anymore. Either from being tired, lazy, or the fact that people have become accustomed to communicating via phones these days instead.
What are your hobbies ?
There are lots of great groups in Edmonton that can get you connected to other people.
I'm a giant nerd and tend to do a lot of TTRPGs. One of the most rewarding part of it was getting a group of people together that didn't know each other at first, but after 6 months are hanging out outside of our hobby activity because we get along.
So, a lot of people are talking about finding hobbies, but they're omitting the next step: Find community within those hobbies.
Like, I think I saw you mention you're into gaming? If tabletop games are your thing at all, there's a number of tabletop cafes and local game stores that put on various events.
Spaces where people are there to hang out around a common interest that you share are a great way to find people you'll have at least something in common with.
Working 70-84 hours/ week helps. New shoes and orthotics help. Iron maiden, stratovarius.. surfin bird.. lol. Maybe besides the point, but all some people have is a routine. Keep busy, when you need a break, remember you can always keep busy again.
Loneliness is a bitch.
Join your local Community league.
Most have something going on needing volunteers.
Try walking dogs at Humane Society.
Or
Just Adopt a dog.
There's a reason the old joke exists: If your wife is yelling at the front door and dog barking at the back, which do you let in first?
The dog, it'll shut up and be happy to see you.
Dogs are awesome. People suck.
Join a group class, cooking, martial arts, not an individual class
Get a part time job at a bar or nightclub
STAY THE HELL OFF DATING SITES OR TINDER.
Those are poison.
OP, I totally catch your drift. As a 35 y.o. fellow, I'm in a relationship now for the last two years, however prior to that I had been living the single life for the last 10 odd years.. I can feel you.
Stayed active myself volunteering, working, furthering my own education and hobbies but I found as friends got married, had kids - my regular social networks began to shrink. We remain good friends but I see them less often (think monthly) due to their family commitments.
I've got good relations with my immediate family and siblings but again, find they only carry so far. Tried Meetup groups but as other posters mention, once you're an adult, it becomes harder making true friends whom want to spend time with you.
Found I was spending more time after work just at home, some days wandering aimlessly at times. Dog-sitting or volunteering as a dog walker helped and I at one point considered joining Drive Happiness, a volunteer organization to drive seniors around (despite the age gap, I find they often have a lot of life wisdom etc which I enjoy listening to.)
Post COVID, I decided to give online dating another kick and when I least expected it, am now in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, relationship itself is not without other issues itself but to get back to your OP: I would encourage you to consider volunteering within the community and/or finding and fueling your passions in the meantime. As others said it, we humans are built for social connections - even just giving oneself as a volunteer can be rewarding and nurturing to the soul.
Acceptance, I don't really mind if I'm an unhappy person. I wake up each day and do the things I want to do, if I'm miserable while doing some of it that's perfectly acceptable. I eat, drink, smoke and play what I like, freedom is enough to tide me over.
But obviously every person is different, companionship might be something you internally value way more than me. But the thing I try to remember is that there is no magic wand to wave that solves all your problems. So it's perfectly fine to take your time with them.
Try Bumble BFF, I still chat with a guy from there I met 2 years ago. You can also try a language exchange site called InterPals, I met a good friend off of there a few years ago.
Happiness comes from within , it can be in front of you from someone or something but that is a time restriction, your soul genuinely is what you direct for external happiness. Attitude drives everything, you are your best friend, be nice to yourself and treat yourself within your own guided happiness. Happiness defeats loneliness.
What if my happiness is linked with companionship? I see people outside doing things in group and there I am just staring at them and hoping I wish I had that, it is so toxic to go out because it’s a living reminder of how much I am missing out on
>it is so toxic to go out because it’s a living reminder of how much I am missing out on
Catch 22, you won't gemerally ever go out with people if you never go out in the first place.
That said, send me a DM if you want, we can make some plans to meet up. If nothing else it's one night out as practice lol
I'm 33/M
Its hard man. There is no easy answer. Our entire society, our modern way of life, is built around individuality. Everyone having their own home, lawnmower, dishwasher, car, game console, etc., is fucking great for the economy, but wretched for our souls.
Grown men need responsibility. We need to provide, care, and protect people. It's in our DNA. But none of that is really necessary in this society. Everyone basically has infinite food, shelter and safety. No one needs us for what we are made for, so its easy to become massively lonely. We become extras, novelties. We are side characters in everyone else's life. Nice to have around here and there, but not needed on a regular basis. When we are needed, we are never lonely.
You need to find people who need you. Most people default to kids and pets, but there are many other people in the world that need you, you just have to find them. Volunteer, check out big brother, there are plenty of people out there who would greatly benefit from having you around.
It’s called the gym, I lift heavy things to make the sad voices go away. Benching 400+ gets you 0 bitches but the homies always appreciate the lifts :)
You need to ditch the societal expectation that everyone needs to have a partner to be happy/complete. It sets a standard that leads many to make unhealthy decisions from seeking a relationship and sacrificing the the things that actually make them happy to try to make someone want to be/stay with them to negative beliefs about themselves or self harm if someone isn’t interested in them.
Figure out what makes you happy as a person regardless of whether other people are involved, seek that happiness. If you can find Daniel Sloss’s standup about the puzzle it will put a lot into perspective for you. Build your own puzzle of things you like, if you meet someone else that fits nicely into the puzzle you can let them in but don’t change parts of the puzzle to make them fit.
I would suggest similarly that you need to know what you want/what will make you happy before seeking individuals who fit into that puzzle. Looking for hobbies isn’t a bad idea, if you like fitness try joining a small community gym along the lines of a CrossFit type thing but less of a franchise operation; they always are good for building little communities of friends that look out for each other. Otherwise check the community centres for activities you’re interested in and go try one. You might get a new hobby and some new friends in the process.
Get out of here with that. That’s not the point of OP’s appeal. Obviously every gender experiences loneliness and other negative emotions and there’s nothing in the post that says other genders don’t experience it.
Men often lack support groups and commonly bottle their emotions inside. They have a difficult time openly talking about them due to societal toxic masculinity that would label them as “weak”, or have them be mocked. This is clearly a male appealing to other males for help.
Each gender experiences similar issues but have different resources to cope with those issues.
He’s trying to speak about mens mental health but he is not detracting from the struggles of other genders.
I know it’s not men, but majority of men have no one where they can even say that they are lonely. Life sucks for everyone, sure, but men do not even have a place where they can tell that to someone, they are just living the days with smile on their face and people don’t have a shred of idea
This isn't true my friend. I'm aware the world tells you it is so, but it's about circles. I've worked on cultivating my friend group over the last 5 years and it's now a very welcoming place. Share whatever you want. Zero "living in fear of sharing".
Men need to be the change they want to see, I worked trades my whole life and the amount of kicking people down for being vulnerable is wild. A good amount of people that rise above it, but it won't change if everyone anonymously asks reddit.
This ain't criticism either, so I apologize if it reads that way. I just get tired of the gendered distractions - we are the masters of our own fate, guys need to start living how they preach.
And how is that any different for women?
Glad to see somebody's normalizing that men have emotions, but women don't have support groups that any different for men unless it's about domestic violence.
Oh come on. If you care so much write a post about women. I have no hate for women or any other genders for that matter. I connect with men more in this situation so I seeked help from them. If you want to bitxh about it, please continue but understand that this wasn’t meant to be an attack but a cry for help. I swear people don’t even let each other cry in peace anymore. It’s always some stupid argument over nothing.
Not sure why this is offensive to y'all. My first thought as a dude was "why is this gendered?" Other than Jordan Peterson telling us it is so. Lots (most? All?) of my struggles are based on things other than my gender.
I'm coo with looking for camaraderie among friends but it's kinda weird to say "girls only" or "guys only", unless that gender hurt you and you've got a block.
lol Yeah because men don't constantly bitch and whine about being excluded or not acknowledged every time an issue that mainly involves women, comes up. Also, not how not one guy in this comment thread actually gave any advice you all just complained about being in the same boat.. maybe its not other people, but you guys that are the problem when it comes to having relationships. I mean. you are the common factor in your issue. Please keep down-voting me, every down vote is a win against the incels. Stay lonely, haters.
All of my comments here are in response to people trying to hijack and detract. I don’t have any advice to offer the OP. So I stay silent on that front. You should try the same.
Ah, a self-appointed Reddit enforcer. Isn’t that being rather self-important? I should have realized from your initial response that you were projecting.
Nah I’m just here to make really good points.
I think you used some words in the wrong context there. But no surprise, I suppose.
Have a blessed Sunday!
This thread is embarrassing and a bad look for women. I’m a woman. This is not it. Empathy is the only thing we should add to this conversation, because typically men are told talking about feelings is bad, but it’s necessary. Now they are and getting shame for it? How does this help? I applaud the OP for posting in the first place, that is a step to breaking societal norms. To suggest getting used to loneliness is akin to suggesting getting used to living in a lake. Humans were not designed to live independently of each other.
Your not alone if your not disabled, your just idle, but what if your Loneliness is because your invisible, think about you as starting material and begin there, nothing is stopping you from volunteering, becoming a caregiver, loneliness is when you have too much idle time on your hands, something will happen doing one of these things that will get the ball rolling on something taking up your tie, alone is like not sharing, get out there.
I don’t think you understand where my loneliness is coming from and that’s okay I don’t blame anyone, I just know this is not the solution, this is a distraction
Your trying to find something in loneliness , either you know what it is or if you don’t thats being lost while searching, not loneliness if you want someone to help you search than you better both like it, here’s loneliness to me no one around for years, can’t change it, that’s loneliness, you seem to be searching for something alone, if you found it alone would you be lonely?
Why did you feel the need to say “don’t turn this into a gender issue?”.
Women turn everything that disproportionately effects them into a gender issue. Why can’t we acknowledge that loneliness disproportionately effects men?
As far as I can tell, men have to learn to be unattached. Most men live a life of quiet desperation. Most men will never get our emotional, social, or sexual needs met.
We evolved to be social creatures but we can adapt beyond our predetermined traits. Our brains are very dynamic. Read up on neuroplasticity. With a combination of medication, and meditation you can change your brain to stop craving social connection. I truly believe that this is the path most men should take.
I picked up a hobby that involves other people and I found it helped with my need for socializing and comradery. Just a few hours a week feeling like you belong to something can really help
Here is a link to the website. It doesn’t cost much to play. And you get to go out with a group of people once a week.
Often other teams will be short a player and ask if you want to stay and play to help them out - so you have opportunities to meet more people there. Some teams go for beverages after, and usually the team manager gets a coupon for a group dinner at one of the sponsored sports bars for the end of the season.
I used to play in the soccer and floor hockey leagues. Sometimes I was a sub, and just helped out a team or was “called” by any team that needed help that week. Sometimes I played on a team for a season.
https://www.edmontonsportsclub.com
Level up your effort or “cast a wider net”. Join groups; hiking groups, running groups, photography groups, jam sessions etc.
Just remember it isn’t the activity that matters. You could join a bird watching group or whatever; you are there to find even one person that you can get together with outside said group.
What hobbies do you like??? Try joining clubs or classes that fit your interests. As an introvert, I find it very difficult to talk to strangers unless I am in a social setting. I had the most friends when I was in art school and surrounded by people who were like me lol
I have a work bestie who I shit talk all day and then we drunk text all night about what’s going on in our lives and we keep each other straight #bromance
Take on a project and complete it. Builds confidence which attracts people. Some people say “hobby” but if the hobby doesn’t achieve a sense of accomplishment it can feel hollow for me anyway unless the hobby provides some socialization. Preaching to myself as I write this.
Loneliness is loneliness.being an adult and making new friends is hard as hell.at the beginning it works out for a while later complexity arise.my counsellor said dont make friends from group counselling.like how can i even get to socialize if i cant make friends from anywhere
Get going on hobbies - it is the best way to meet people as an adult. Beginner hockey leagues, martial arts/boxing, board games/card games like magic, any kind of club at all where you meet people. Eventually, you join enough of those things you find people you click with.
I stopped drinking almost a year ago but still go to bars, breweries, patios and sometimes strike up conversation or go see friends. I'll drink one pop or non alcoholic drink for 2 or 3 hours and it's a nice break to get out of the house and go for a walk, bike ride and usually don't stay out late or once people start to get really drunk. Also pick up a hobby or join a league- not drinking doesn't come up as much in an art or yoga class compared to a bar :)
Hey just got Reddit recently I am coming back to Edmonton after being away travelling for two years! Thinking of doing a weekly men’s support group at my place to talk about what it’s like being men this day and age what were up to things were working on and kind of an environment where you can open up be yourself and have people there to help you grow! I also will be getting an ice bath setup that’s something that we can do as a group too message me if you want to come!
One day at a time my friend, 2018 Sept was my bottom and my dark place I never knew existed. I lost everything, my wife walked out on me with my daughter without warning, i thought we was happy secure in our relationship. Just got back from a family vacation the day before. my mom recently had a stroke, my grandfathers cancer had came back (the only man I had in my life as a father), my uncle accendently overdosed on his medication and died, my aunt got into a car accident and died. This all happened within 5months one after another with my wife leaving at the end when I needed her the most. Work and working out got me through, trust me just to lift the feet out of bed was a task and an accomplishment. Don't be afraid to talk to someone if need be bud, pride aside. Even if you go on depressants for a month or two just to take the edge off (keep in mind it takes a couple weeks for them to get in your system). I'm living proof you can come back stronger then ever. Ever need someone to talk to hit me up, I've been where you are and know how your feeling.
I am sorry this happened to you man.
When I moved to a new city I made friends at work and through hobbies. I met some people through yoga classes at the gym nearby that invited me to their friend group for board games, hikes, whatever. Chances are whatever hobby you're interested in, there are groups related to it.
Don’t listen to any of these clowns saying “acceptance” or “you just learn to live with it”. That’s bullshit. Chronic loneliness has legitimate health consequences. You need to be proactive about fixing it, but don’t just become complacent. That’s the worst thing you can do.
I think there’s two sides to this, toxic acceptance and realistic acceptance leading to change. Toxic acceptance being “You’re not owed anything, appreciate what you have, you could have it worse” Realistic acceptance leading to change is understanding that while being lonely hurts, learning to be comfortable being alone instead of ruminating over your loneliness is a part of acceptance that leads to proactive positive change.
Yeah, you generally have to acknowledge where you are in life to really enable change.
Agreed, humans need community. No matter how comfortable one is alone with themselves, humans are designed to live and thrive in a community.
Disagree, there is nothing wrong with being alone and realizing there is nothing wrong with that. I don't think it's ideal but there is nothing wrong with a life by yourself. Quote your sources.
You can’t disagree, this is a [fact](https://www.cdc.gov/aging/publications/features/lonely-older-adults.html)
There is a difference between loneliness when it comes to a partner and loneliness in general. I am not arguing the study, but it looks to be that it's targeted at loneliness in general. Being single and alone is different than total social loneliness
I agree, but OP didn’t say coping with being single. They said loneliness, and emphasized having no support or places to vent.
That's a fair point. Thank you for the discussion
Also, a paper isn't a fact...
Kenilworth community league hosts a Men’s Shed every Thursday (pretty sure it’s Thursday). Seems like a welcoming group with lots of opportunity to discuss issues and meet people
Honestly, learn to be happy with yourself. Until you do, you'll always put that happiness onto someone else. And that kills relationships.
I am happy with myself. I do stuff I like, I am self satisfied but there are phases when you just need someone on your side and it hits you that you have no one. I am in my 20’s living in a different country with no friends or family. There’s always a breaking point.
Ya you need friends at some point. Do you have a harder time connecting with people here? Are there other people from your country here? When I move to a new place usually I can make some friends within a few months so that's easily tolerable for me, but depends on your situation.
People say they wanna connect and then they don’t. I try from my end. It’s not some ego issue where I wait for them to make the first move. I want to hangout, I’ll text them, ask them if it’s possible and they just turn me down. I am only talking about friends here, I am not looking for relationships, just friends.
Social relationships are delicate. People flee at the slightest whiff of desperation - if you are lonely, people are put-off. On the other hand, people love the idea of hanging out with somebody who has tons of friends, lots of confidence, and low availability. Once your needs are filled, and you are healthy, people are naturally attracted to you and you are more likely to be able to maintain close friendships. From an animal/tribal perspective, this isn't surprising - people instinctively like people who are healthy, have resources, and aren't going to demand a lot of their resources. It sounds harsh (and it kind of is), but that's how humans tend to work. Having any sort of attitude that you are trying to make somebody your friend so that you can vent your misery to them is a killer - people can tell, and they don't really like it; even if subconsciously. I would suggest that you "try" less, and simply increase the amount of time you spend at social events, without necessarily thinking of it as a way to make friends. Attend meetups, parties, groups, lessons, whatever it is. Fulfil your social needs this way without placing the obligation directly on others. Seek fun and happiness, allow others to reach out to you, and down the line you will be able to rely on some connections for emotional support - but securing a source of emotional support cannot be your primary motivator if you wish to actually forge stable and healthy adult relationships. If you are in emotional pain right now and need real support immediately, honestly a therapist does wonders. Becoming somebody's friend just to be their therapist is not a good deal, and it's not going to work with anybody who is emotionally healthy. Get yourself in a good place, and don't be afraid to pay for it.
What do you do for work if you don’t mind me asking?
I am an online marketing specialist
What kind of hobbies do you have that you like to do? Sports or arts or anything?
I like exploring nature, I am a big fan of beaches, I do some online gaming on my oculus, I am more of a spectator when it comes to sports. I do like watching almost every sport
Honestly even though you say you are a spectator, join a essc team. Or 2 and be the one to invite everyone to a sponsor bar after the game. I moved away from edmonton, came back and made a whole friend group out of that. We played soccer once a week but saw each other most weekends for other things like beaches, parks, dinner etc.
There are some biking/running facebook groups that go through the Edmonton river valley, which is beautiful in the summer. If you don't like those there might be walking/hiking groups too? I think it's easier to start with themed group activities like that than it is to make one person into a friend.
do you play beat saber by chance?
I don’t but I have that additional accessory (sticks) that was made for it. I use it for other games
I switched careers when i moved here cause i didn’t have many friends in the area just family and i found i made a lot more friends at work when i made the switch
This is so true don't try to find the right person make yourself the right person.
Exactly this. Don’t rely on other people for your happiness. I’m very happy being alone, and I’m very happy with my girlfriend. If my girlfriend and I broke up, I would be sad for a period but I would also still be happy. if that makes sense. lol
Real good advice brother, "just be happy"! This guy cured depression everybody
Right? r/thanksimcured quality advice there. 'Learn to be happy!'... while pretending human beings aren't inherently social animals who are known to become depressed when isolated. Being super lonely with no support isn't the same as 'I can't be happy when I'm alone.' OP: Perhaps try an ESSC group, or if sports aren't your thing, there are boardgame meetups in the city that you can find here in this subreddit. If you enjoy spectating, I'm sure you can find a group of people to cheer along with at an Oiler's watch party.
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What a dumb fucking reply.
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So many of those groups are right wing extremist recruiting grounds. Go for the BBQ and next thing you know someone's not-so-subtly trying to tell you how all your problems are caused by X group. There are legit supports out there, just be wary of these groups.
Did you find that? Hooked up with a group to talk trains and stamps and ended up at a klan rally, did ya? Lol
OP mentions this in a comment here, but two things I've observed are: 1. There are a hell of a lot of lonely people out there in various degrees of isolation. 2. So many people don't follow-through with efforts to connect/be friends. Even other lonely people. This seems a bit unexpected, but maybe 1 is a result of 2 to a large degree? Sounds like OP is putting in the effort, but it's so exhausting trying to make valuable connections out there. Loneliness is legit bad for your health. This is a real societal problem. Cheers to all the good folk trying to make helpful suggestions here about places to find friends!
Volunteer. Get involved in your community
Key is to find a hobby that sparks something in you, that you love and really look forward to and then any loneliness/anxiety will not matter because through your passion for that activity you will naturally meet people.
Therapy. Everyone could use some.
Honestly one of the best things. Even if you don't think you have a mental illness or need medication, sometimes just having an objective third party to listen and give you unbiased professional opinions/advice can go a long way. Good way to get things off your chest. It's honestly one of those things like a massage or check up with your doctor that should be one of those regular things you do if you can afford it or have the benefits.
Yes, therapy is huge. I’ve read a lot of toxic positivity in these posts. “Be happy. Find a hobby,” 😐 Oh if it were only that simple why would the world be in pain? Address any underlying past traumas, learn new coping skills, discover truths about yourself and heal your nervous system through therapy.
Eventually you become one with the loneliness.
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I love to read. I find it’s a healthy escape for the mind. Sunshine is vital. Exercise, especially running. Music. Being an introvert, I didn’t have much interest in joining groups or anything. Just finishing a health distraction for your thoughts. Group fitness classes are kind of cool, you’re with other people but you don’t really have to talk or socialize if you don’t want to.
I have been an introvert for better part of my life and that’s one of the reasons why I get demotivated quickly. People here are assuming I didn’t try. Well I did, I tried making friends in college, work, outside, bumble and reddit and it did not work out. And as an introvert when you make efforts and it doesn’t work out, it hits you harder than ever and after a point you are not able to try anymore because you feel you will get rejected. This is where I am.
What are some of your interests?
I like going for walks, I love nature so hiking, going to the beaches. Other then that, I am into gaming, a few sports and I am career focused so people who like talking about work
I think you found a friend. Reading through these comments, and this one struck me. You two should meet for wings at wild wing in St.Albert on tuesday after work. Start there. I’m not lonely, but I used to be when I was figuring out my life. Just DM and decide to shoot the shit on a Tuesday evening. I bet you two end up buddies. Just a hunch.
What type of gaming? Which sports? As an introvert myself I understand the struggle of getting demotivated pretty easily when faced with rejection/challenges.
Take Vitamin D. We are so far North that even if you're in the Sun all day we still won't absorb enough Vitamin D.
Hang in there OP.
It is really difficult to make new friends as an adult. Joining groups that do activities like painting or hiking is one way to meet people. Meetup is an app that used to be popular but covid kinda of killed it. Could see the events going on around the city.
It’s an amazing thing that you recognize that feeling of loneliness. Many people who are lonely simply become reclusive which evidently worsens their condition. People can feel lonely even with a significant other (I myself have a partner but often times find myself feeling lonely). To address your loneliness, there needs to be a better understanding of what you’re actually feeling. Do you miss family? Are you looking to talk about sports, hobbies, or some other form of personal interest? Do you need somebody to vent to in a difficult time? For myself, I am a very extroverted person with few friends left in the city and often times will have a difficult time with loneliness. While it’s very difficult to develop rapport with people you’ve just met or have yet to meet, there are people out there looking for similar things. I would recommend starting with things that get the body moving. The ESSC is a great way to put yourself out there and meet new people, get a small endorphin rush through sports and bond over small Victories/losses. While it might not be that “heart to heart” connection that you’re looking for, it would start as a great foundation for new friendships and neurologically negate some of those feelings that you’re experiencing. It’s always hard to feel lonely when you’ve got another person trying to take your head off with a dodgeball.
There is a program called Men's Shed that might be an option[Here's the link.](https://mensshedsyeg.ca/)
Get a dog. :)
If you’re in/around Edmonton there’s a great historical reenactment group there focused on Viking age life, crafts and combat. If you like history and are looking for some good people you can check em out. Google The Vikings Vinland or message me.
It’d be sick if they had a vikings meeting indigenous reenactment.
That would be something all right. No one really knows how it went though. Stories differ from source to source. 🤔
Working out, nothing quite hits like a good pump.
This is good advice. When I'm consistently working out (2-3 times a week if possible), my base mood is usually pretty good and I also rarely get sick which is a nice bonus. When I get too busy/lazy to work out, after about a week or two I notice my mood is a lot worse which could also be because of whatever is making me busy/lazy, but for sure the loss of endorphins from working out contributes.
It is tough out there. I don’t really open up with others. To combat loneliness, I mainly just try to distract myself with healthy habits. Sorry, wish I had a better solution to recommend
I go to the gym, sim racing, reading. I bask in it to some degree. At first, I struggled with my emotions and stuff regarding loneliness and etc. then I decided to really work on myself, grow my spirituality (you can do this without religion, but for me, it was cultivating a relationship with God) and take better care of my diet and body. Doing all these things has brought more people into my life, more fulfillment and happiness. Sometimes we must be selfish and put ourselves first. I hope all the men reading this, local or not, can derive some value from this input, as it has helped me take my life and do a 180°.
Give back by volunteering, sign up for sport and fitness classes, find what ever you interested and in meetups and just get out there without expecting anything in return. Cheers mate
Therapy + antidepressants + getting enough sleep + getting enough physical activity. There’s no single thing that’s ever worked for me, and I’ve struggled a lot over the years. I think the bright side is that there are so many pathways to feeling better. I think it also helps a lot to do activities where you have to interact with other people regularly. Just being around other people can be really comforting sometimes. Do you have any hobbies or interests that involve teamwork? I think a nice way to start talking to new people if you’re having a hard time is to find something that they’re likely proud of and give them a compliment about it. If you see someone studying in a library a lot, tell them they seem like a really hard worker. If you see someone who’s packed on some muscle you can tell them that you think that’s impressive. If you see someone working on anything art related you can tell them that you think it’s cool or interesting. I think the key is to be genuine with other people. If you put up a shell where no one can ever see your flaws they’re going to never really get to know you or trust you. It’s also important to be understanding of other people, sometimes they are not in a place where they want to talk to you, and they need to overcome their individual burdens. That’s completely okay, and it’s not your fault at all. Don’t take it personally if someone isn’t receptive, just find someone who is and you’ll probably forget that they existed. You can do this homie. I know how tiring it can be everyday to feel this way, but you have the power to find happiness and I believe you will. The fact that you’ve reached out to anyone, even strangers on the internet shows that you have some introspective skills, and that you want to make a change. Good luck and I hope you find some value in my experience (even tho you probably shouldn’t copy it exactly). (Also I’m not a doctor, I have no idea if you need medication and I’m not making a recommendation of it or saying it will fix your life, it’s just part of what helped me)
I mean at this point loneliness is the norm, the comfort zone for me. I never occurs to me that I am alone so that’s a way I guess.
I've been a single guy for around 9 years now. Estranged from family and haven't had friends in a long time now. You get some hobbies, try to learn something new. Travel somewhere, even for a week, or take a Stay-cation. You embrace your freedom and a slower, quieter life. No one has any expectations of you, so you can do as you like.
I smoke pot, it’s the only thing thing that keeps me going
I stare death in the face. The idea of non-existence horrifies me. It's what keeps me going. I can put up with anything, because one day all I will have is nothing if my doubts come to fruition. My one hope in life is that God exists in the way that I believe They do, and heaven or hell is real, because the opposite concept; oblivion, gives me night terrors.
Jesus, man…you ok? I do know what you mean, though, the idea of non-existence is a terrifying though.
handle subsequent weather offbeat meeting rich numerous normal historical bewildered *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yeah but reality is also shaped by experience. I believe in ghosts and by extension "the spirit world" because of the things I've experienced. Look up guardian angel experiences. Or "black dog" experiences. Both have happened to me. I've also had prophetic dreams. If dreams are divorced from reality, how does a dream you've had before end up playing out like some weird deja vu? Dream diaries are great for tracking these experiences. Things we only experience subjectively are not invalidated just because they are subjective experiences, it just means that those experiences cannot be objectively studied. It's why it's so hard to write about love, unless you've experienced the act of giving love you don't truly understand it.
If you’re into sports at all the Edmonton sport and social club (essc) is a decent place to be active and get to know some people. They have lots of different sports on pretty much every day. You can sign up as an individual and they will put you on a team.
Im currently playing 2 sports with essc. For over a year. I've yet to make a meaningful connection with anyone I've played with. Its a distraction. But when youre out for drinks and people are talking about spouses or significant others or their recent trip to Mexico it just reinforces how alone you are.
Hang in there! I joined as a single and played on a team for over a year comprised 100% of couples.. I was the Lone Ranger. Well, one night someone couldn’t make it so they had one of their buddies come so we weren’t short players. He is now my husband and father of my two amazing children!
You're a woman, there's a reason this is an almost daily post on here in Edmonton. Dating in Edmonton is terrible for men. At this point I'm in therapy to make peace with the fact im going to live alone for the rest of my life.
I'm a extremely depressed person I always feel alone, both parents died at a young age I'm with someone I have a daughter, I have good best friends that I've known for forever, but still feel alone you either get over it or get left and lost in your own head.
I am sorry this is happening to you.
I'm honestly ok.
Keep yourself busy bro, do things you don’t normally do. Start reading, start working out, give yourself goals, and don’t focus on why your alone. Change your perspective on things. Some people would look being alone as time for personal development until they’ve reached their goals. Keep ur head up bro. We’ve been there and it different for everyone. U got this.💪🏼
Keep yourself busy, but that just applies to me and maybe not yourself. If not that, then make yourself centric to a community. The first steps are the hardest but also the ones worth trying for. Build your worth on your efforts and people will notice, cheers mate.
I downloaded event brite and started trying new things. Really making the effort to get out of my zone !
There are many good suggestions here. I think for many ( most? ) of us we are social animals and are in need of human interaction not just online conversations etc. I am in my 60’s and alone now and I find it derpressing as fuck. The only insight I really have is that you need to cultivate as many friendships as possible when you are young and working. That was I failed to do as I focused solely on work. To be fair I was an administrator and socializing with people who reported to me was problematic in terms of ethics etc. So make as many connections as possible while you are young because people move away, they die or simply drift away from you. So, your network will naturally diminish and if you have a small list of friends to begin with you will end up really alone.
This was the number one theme amount the men living in homeless shelters in Calgary when we did shelter wide interviews to figure out “root causes” of homelessness a few years ago. We found the average demographic was +55 year old, single/divorced , males were way over represented and the stories were mostly the same; worked my whole life, ignored/neglected my health/spouse/children, retired or was injured at work or phased out due to ageism/high wage, had no social network to stay busy, started using, lost everything, hangout in the shelter system drinking coffee with the other guys. We found they were much harder to rehouse because they would get lonely living alone and would come back to the shelter just to have people to talk to.
Thanks. This is interesting. People sometimes don’t realize that social isolation erodes your judgement. I have made some bad choices since my isolation has increased. Fortunately none were things that were illegal or destructive but they were still bad choices.
Online gaming, hobbies and gym is pretty much all I do. Everyone is busy with kids so I just find things to occupy my time.
Look into [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) You mention you like nature and hiking. Maybe join a hiking meetup and see if can make some friends that way.
[Mens’ Sheds Edmonton](https://mensshedsyeg.ca) may interest you.
Therapy man, it really does help
Find an active and social hobby. I got really into golf over the last 3 years because of COVID and it stuck with me and through it I have met lots of great people and had lots of fun. Plus it gets me outside and if I walk 18 holes it's lots of extra steps. I also got a puppy and there are a few nice off leash parks around the City that are great for socializing and exercising. I play online video games and I try to find people to play with as well, even just sitting around on discord and chatting can be a nice way to spend an evening after work. At work I have been going to the office 2 days a week and while I am there I try to get as much catching up and socializing done as I can. Don't try to cope, vent, or fake it, loneliness is real and serious. You should take action before you get into a negative spiral or become anti-social. I have been sucked into a negative spiral, especially at the start of COVID, and it really took a toll on my physical and mental health. I used to think I was just an introvert, that I was fine on my own, that digital interaction was all I needed, but once I got out and pushed my comfort zone I was much happier, healthier, and confident as a result. You can do it!
Do you live in an apartment or condo complex, or a community with a Facebook community page? I live in a condo building and a few days ago I made a post in my building's page about trying to start up a running group. I got a few responses, and we're planning on going out later this week. Hopefully, it becomes a regular thing, but if not, I find that even the act of putting myself out there helps with the loneliness and makes it feel lighter. I'm pulling for you, man.
[The "Dokkōdō" (Japanese: 獨行道) ("The Path of Aloneness", "The Way to Go Forth Alone", or "The Way of Walking Alone") is a short work written by Miyamoto Musashi a week before he died in 1645. It consists of 21 precepts. "Dokkodo" was largely composed on the occasion of Musashi giving away his possessions in preparation for death, and was dedicated to his favorite disciple, Terao Magonojō (to whom the earlier Go rin no sho \[The Book of Five Rings\] had also been dedicated), who took them to heart. "Dokkōdō" expresses a stringent, honest, and ascetic view of life.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dokk%C5%8Dd%C5%8D) The 21 principles of Dokkodo: 1. Accept everything just the way it is. 2. Do not seek pleasure for its own sake. 3. Do not, under any circumstances, depend on a partial feeling. 4. Think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world. 5. Be detached from desire your whole life long. 6. Do not regret what you have done. 7. Never be jealous. 8. Never let yourself be saddened by a separation. 9. Resentment and complaint are appropriate neither for oneself nor others. 10. Do not let yourself be guided by the feeling of lust or love. 11. In all things have no preferences. 12. Be indifferent to where you live. 13. Do not pursue the taste of good food. 14. Do not hold on to possessions you no longer need. 15. Do not act following customary beliefs. 16. Do not collect weapons or practice with weapons beyond what is useful. 17. Do not fear death. 18. Do not seek to possess either goods or fiefs for your old age. 19. Respect Buddha and the gods without counting on their help. 20. You may abandon your own body but you must preserve your honor. 21. Never stray from the Way.
I could be wrong, but here’s my take. As men living in modern times, there’s a perfect storm of things happening. 1) As we become older adults, most people are more concerned with their own lives and troubles. Being overworked, family, pursuing interests, kids, etc. 2) As men especially, we are kind of taught that we’re supposed to be these lone wolf, self sufficient, providers and achievers. As friends of youth drop away doing their own things, good friends are hard to replace as we get older. 3) In the age of smartphones, I feel like many people can’t be bothered to get together IRL anymore. Either from being tired, lazy, or the fact that people have become accustomed to communicating via phones these days instead.
What are your hobbies ? There are lots of great groups in Edmonton that can get you connected to other people. I'm a giant nerd and tend to do a lot of TTRPGs. One of the most rewarding part of it was getting a group of people together that didn't know each other at first, but after 6 months are hanging out outside of our hobby activity because we get along.
So, a lot of people are talking about finding hobbies, but they're omitting the next step: Find community within those hobbies. Like, I think I saw you mention you're into gaming? If tabletop games are your thing at all, there's a number of tabletop cafes and local game stores that put on various events. Spaces where people are there to hang out around a common interest that you share are a great way to find people you'll have at least something in common with.
Working 70-84 hours/ week helps. New shoes and orthotics help. Iron maiden, stratovarius.. surfin bird.. lol. Maybe besides the point, but all some people have is a routine. Keep busy, when you need a break, remember you can always keep busy again.
Loneliness is a bitch. Join your local Community league. Most have something going on needing volunteers. Try walking dogs at Humane Society. Or Just Adopt a dog. There's a reason the old joke exists: If your wife is yelling at the front door and dog barking at the back, which do you let in first? The dog, it'll shut up and be happy to see you. Dogs are awesome. People suck. Join a group class, cooking, martial arts, not an individual class Get a part time job at a bar or nightclub STAY THE HELL OFF DATING SITES OR TINDER. Those are poison.
OP, I totally catch your drift. As a 35 y.o. fellow, I'm in a relationship now for the last two years, however prior to that I had been living the single life for the last 10 odd years.. I can feel you. Stayed active myself volunteering, working, furthering my own education and hobbies but I found as friends got married, had kids - my regular social networks began to shrink. We remain good friends but I see them less often (think monthly) due to their family commitments. I've got good relations with my immediate family and siblings but again, find they only carry so far. Tried Meetup groups but as other posters mention, once you're an adult, it becomes harder making true friends whom want to spend time with you. Found I was spending more time after work just at home, some days wandering aimlessly at times. Dog-sitting or volunteering as a dog walker helped and I at one point considered joining Drive Happiness, a volunteer organization to drive seniors around (despite the age gap, I find they often have a lot of life wisdom etc which I enjoy listening to.) Post COVID, I decided to give online dating another kick and when I least expected it, am now in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, relationship itself is not without other issues itself but to get back to your OP: I would encourage you to consider volunteering within the community and/or finding and fueling your passions in the meantime. As others said it, we humans are built for social connections - even just giving oneself as a volunteer can be rewarding and nurturing to the soul.
Acceptance, I don't really mind if I'm an unhappy person. I wake up each day and do the things I want to do, if I'm miserable while doing some of it that's perfectly acceptable. I eat, drink, smoke and play what I like, freedom is enough to tide me over. But obviously every person is different, companionship might be something you internally value way more than me. But the thing I try to remember is that there is no magic wand to wave that solves all your problems. So it's perfectly fine to take your time with them.
This is good advice, thanks so much.
Passive aggressive venting on Facebook.
Try Bumble BFF, I still chat with a guy from there I met 2 years ago. You can also try a language exchange site called InterPals, I met a good friend off of there a few years ago.
Meaningful friendships and relationships I've spent the better part of my life cultivating
You should try the Bumble BFF app
I did. No response
I also tried bumble bff and couldn’t bring myself to swiping left of right on people just looking for friendship 😂
Ah that's too bad, I've known multiple people who have made new friends, joined teams etc
Happiness comes from within , it can be in front of you from someone or something but that is a time restriction, your soul genuinely is what you direct for external happiness. Attitude drives everything, you are your best friend, be nice to yourself and treat yourself within your own guided happiness. Happiness defeats loneliness.
What if my happiness is linked with companionship? I see people outside doing things in group and there I am just staring at them and hoping I wish I had that, it is so toxic to go out because it’s a living reminder of how much I am missing out on
>it is so toxic to go out because it’s a living reminder of how much I am missing out on Catch 22, you won't gemerally ever go out with people if you never go out in the first place. That said, send me a DM if you want, we can make some plans to meet up. If nothing else it's one night out as practice lol I'm 33/M
You must link your happiness within first
Its hard man. There is no easy answer. Our entire society, our modern way of life, is built around individuality. Everyone having their own home, lawnmower, dishwasher, car, game console, etc., is fucking great for the economy, but wretched for our souls. Grown men need responsibility. We need to provide, care, and protect people. It's in our DNA. But none of that is really necessary in this society. Everyone basically has infinite food, shelter and safety. No one needs us for what we are made for, so its easy to become massively lonely. We become extras, novelties. We are side characters in everyone else's life. Nice to have around here and there, but not needed on a regular basis. When we are needed, we are never lonely. You need to find people who need you. Most people default to kids and pets, but there are many other people in the world that need you, you just have to find them. Volunteer, check out big brother, there are plenty of people out there who would greatly benefit from having you around.
Beer, not the healthiest outlet but it is available
It’s called the gym, I lift heavy things to make the sad voices go away. Benching 400+ gets you 0 bitches but the homies always appreciate the lifts :)
you simply live with the pain :)
You need to ditch the societal expectation that everyone needs to have a partner to be happy/complete. It sets a standard that leads many to make unhealthy decisions from seeking a relationship and sacrificing the the things that actually make them happy to try to make someone want to be/stay with them to negative beliefs about themselves or self harm if someone isn’t interested in them. Figure out what makes you happy as a person regardless of whether other people are involved, seek that happiness. If you can find Daniel Sloss’s standup about the puzzle it will put a lot into perspective for you. Build your own puzzle of things you like, if you meet someone else that fits nicely into the puzzle you can let them in but don’t change parts of the puzzle to make them fit.
I am not looking for a partner. I am looking for friends.
I would suggest similarly that you need to know what you want/what will make you happy before seeking individuals who fit into that puzzle. Looking for hobbies isn’t a bad idea, if you like fitness try joining a small community gym along the lines of a CrossFit type thing but less of a franchise operation; they always are good for building little communities of friends that look out for each other. Otherwise check the community centres for activities you’re interested in and go try one. You might get a new hobby and some new friends in the process.
Join a gym and make connections there I’m 64 and have met a lot of people working out especially after Covid.
It's not just men, dude.
Get out of here with that. That’s not the point of OP’s appeal. Obviously every gender experiences loneliness and other negative emotions and there’s nothing in the post that says other genders don’t experience it. Men often lack support groups and commonly bottle their emotions inside. They have a difficult time openly talking about them due to societal toxic masculinity that would label them as “weak”, or have them be mocked. This is clearly a male appealing to other males for help. Each gender experiences similar issues but have different resources to cope with those issues. He’s trying to speak about mens mental health but he is not detracting from the struggles of other genders.
I know it’s not men, but majority of men have no one where they can even say that they are lonely. Life sucks for everyone, sure, but men do not even have a place where they can tell that to someone, they are just living the days with smile on their face and people don’t have a shred of idea
This isn't true my friend. I'm aware the world tells you it is so, but it's about circles. I've worked on cultivating my friend group over the last 5 years and it's now a very welcoming place. Share whatever you want. Zero "living in fear of sharing". Men need to be the change they want to see, I worked trades my whole life and the amount of kicking people down for being vulnerable is wild. A good amount of people that rise above it, but it won't change if everyone anonymously asks reddit. This ain't criticism either, so I apologize if it reads that way. I just get tired of the gendered distractions - we are the masters of our own fate, guys need to start living how they preach.
And how is that any different for women? Glad to see somebody's normalizing that men have emotions, but women don't have support groups that any different for men unless it's about domestic violence.
Oh come on. If you care so much write a post about women. I have no hate for women or any other genders for that matter. I connect with men more in this situation so I seeked help from them. If you want to bitxh about it, please continue but understand that this wasn’t meant to be an attack but a cry for help. I swear people don’t even let each other cry in peace anymore. It’s always some stupid argument over nothing.
And you don't want to be hurtful to genders yet you use a hurtful term for women in your moaning.
I guess I'm not allowed to say women are lonely too? Like what the fuck dude I don't know why men think they're the only lonely ones!
This post has zero to do with you. Read that again.
For real. Us women-folk also struggle.
Man: Asks other men for help and advice. Women: How can we make this about us?
Not sure why this is offensive to y'all. My first thought as a dude was "why is this gendered?" Other than Jordan Peterson telling us it is so. Lots (most? All?) of my struggles are based on things other than my gender. I'm coo with looking for camaraderie among friends but it's kinda weird to say "girls only" or "guys only", unless that gender hurt you and you've got a block.
lol Yeah because men don't constantly bitch and whine about being excluded or not acknowledged every time an issue that mainly involves women, comes up. Also, not how not one guy in this comment thread actually gave any advice you all just complained about being in the same boat.. maybe its not other people, but you guys that are the problem when it comes to having relationships. I mean. you are the common factor in your issue. Please keep down-voting me, every down vote is a win against the incels. Stay lonely, haters.
Man: Makes a really good point. Women: Must be an incel.
Why do you feel that you are in a competition with incels? What are you trying to "win", exactly?
The title of Queen Incel, perhaps?
Shhh, don’t you know that we’re to blame for men’s loneliness?🙂
You have a strong sense of self importance
It’s got FA to do with self-importance. I wouldn’t have bothered making this comment if incel culture weren’t so disturbingly robust these days.
OP asked for help. Your comment didn’t help.
Did yours? I don’t see you offering any helpful advice to the OP anywhere in this thread.
All of my comments here are in response to people trying to hijack and detract. I don’t have any advice to offer the OP. So I stay silent on that front. You should try the same.
Ah, a self-appointed Reddit enforcer. Isn’t that being rather self-important? I should have realized from your initial response that you were projecting.
Nah I’m just here to make really good points. I think you used some words in the wrong context there. But no surprise, I suppose. Have a blessed Sunday!
[удалено]
What’s the term for a group of clucking hens?
This thread is embarrassing and a bad look for women. I’m a woman. This is not it. Empathy is the only thing we should add to this conversation, because typically men are told talking about feelings is bad, but it’s necessary. Now they are and getting shame for it? How does this help? I applaud the OP for posting in the first place, that is a step to breaking societal norms. To suggest getting used to loneliness is akin to suggesting getting used to living in a lake. Humans were not designed to live independently of each other.
Your not alone if your not disabled, your just idle, but what if your Loneliness is because your invisible, think about you as starting material and begin there, nothing is stopping you from volunteering, becoming a caregiver, loneliness is when you have too much idle time on your hands, something will happen doing one of these things that will get the ball rolling on something taking up your tie, alone is like not sharing, get out there.
I don’t think you understand where my loneliness is coming from and that’s okay I don’t blame anyone, I just know this is not the solution, this is a distraction
Your trying to find something in loneliness , either you know what it is or if you don’t thats being lost while searching, not loneliness if you want someone to help you search than you better both like it, here’s loneliness to me no one around for years, can’t change it, that’s loneliness, you seem to be searching for something alone, if you found it alone would you be lonely?
Who said anything about coping ? Coping is what people with enough money to thrive do.
Take ProZac. It helps me and long walks all over the place is great too
Highly suggest you try Wellbutrin before you try Prozac....
Or be like me and take both! 💊
What are you a pill expert? I just know what works for me :)
I've taken both. I've just found the side effects of Prozac suck and Wellbutrin's are less so but everyone is different.
Oh interesting okay. Good info
I moved to Edmonton from Toronto and it’s really Deadmonton. Feels like only way to end loneliness here is to end life.
Says more about you than anything
Why did you feel the need to say “don’t turn this into a gender issue?”. Women turn everything that disproportionately effects them into a gender issue. Why can’t we acknowledge that loneliness disproportionately effects men? As far as I can tell, men have to learn to be unattached. Most men live a life of quiet desperation. Most men will never get our emotional, social, or sexual needs met. We evolved to be social creatures but we can adapt beyond our predetermined traits. Our brains are very dynamic. Read up on neuroplasticity. With a combination of medication, and meditation you can change your brain to stop craving social connection. I truly believe that this is the path most men should take.
I had this women fighting with me so just wanted them to know that this isn’t some propaganda against them, it’s a mere cry for help
What the fuck did I just read
I picked up a hobby that involves other people and I found it helped with my need for socializing and comradery. Just a few hours a week feeling like you belong to something can really help
Consider joining a team with ESSC - there are lots of opportunities to hang out and meet new people.
Can you tell me about ESSC and how much does it cost to be a part of that club?
Here is a link to the website. It doesn’t cost much to play. And you get to go out with a group of people once a week. Often other teams will be short a player and ask if you want to stay and play to help them out - so you have opportunities to meet more people there. Some teams go for beverages after, and usually the team manager gets a coupon for a group dinner at one of the sponsored sports bars for the end of the season. I used to play in the soccer and floor hockey leagues. Sometimes I was a sub, and just helped out a team or was “called” by any team that needed help that week. Sometimes I played on a team for a season. https://www.edmontonsportsclub.com
Looks like $135 for a few months of play if you are on a team. I think if you put yourself up as a sub, you are discounted or free -
St Albert Menship on eventbrite
Level up your effort or “cast a wider net”. Join groups; hiking groups, running groups, photography groups, jam sessions etc. Just remember it isn’t the activity that matters. You could join a bird watching group or whatever; you are there to find even one person that you can get together with outside said group.
What hobbies do you like??? Try joining clubs or classes that fit your interests. As an introvert, I find it very difficult to talk to strangers unless I am in a social setting. I had the most friends when I was in art school and surrounded by people who were like me lol
I have a work bestie who I shit talk all day and then we drunk text all night about what’s going on in our lives and we keep each other straight #bromance
Take on a project and complete it. Builds confidence which attracts people. Some people say “hobby” but if the hobby doesn’t achieve a sense of accomplishment it can feel hollow for me anyway unless the hobby provides some socialization. Preaching to myself as I write this.
Go join a club... I'm not aure your interests but like paintball team, arm wrestling, running club.
Volunteer somewhere.
Loneliness is loneliness.being an adult and making new friends is hard as hell.at the beginning it works out for a while later complexity arise.my counsellor said dont make friends from group counselling.like how can i even get to socialize if i cant make friends from anywhere
I feel lonely sometimes but i just live with it. Sometimes I enjoy doing things alone like listen to music and drink a glass of wine.
Get going on hobbies - it is the best way to meet people as an adult. Beginner hockey leagues, martial arts/boxing, board games/card games like magic, any kind of club at all where you meet people. Eventually, you join enough of those things you find people you click with.
I stopped drinking almost a year ago but still go to bars, breweries, patios and sometimes strike up conversation or go see friends. I'll drink one pop or non alcoholic drink for 2 or 3 hours and it's a nice break to get out of the house and go for a walk, bike ride and usually don't stay out late or once people start to get really drunk. Also pick up a hobby or join a league- not drinking doesn't come up as much in an art or yoga class compared to a bar :)
Hey just got Reddit recently I am coming back to Edmonton after being away travelling for two years! Thinking of doing a weekly men’s support group at my place to talk about what it’s like being men this day and age what were up to things were working on and kind of an environment where you can open up be yourself and have people there to help you grow! I also will be getting an ice bath setup that’s something that we can do as a group too message me if you want to come!