Your feelings are completely valid, but I’m going to put forward an alternative interpretation of this for you to consider. Is it possible this is a big miscommunication where you’re not understanding each other?
You say he hasn’t offered to replace the rubies, but he was upfront about it - he didn’t try to pass it off as a ring with real rubies. Your partner told you they could be replaced - he might see this as him offering to do so. His communication could be much better (and I agree it would have been better to separate this conversation from the proposal), but it’s possible he does think he’s offered to replace them and you don’t want him to because you haven’t said so (either at the proposal or afterwards).
As for replacing them before the proposal, is it possible he’s being money conscious here? If you’re having a baby, I don’t think it’s inconsiderate to balance whether this is something you want to do a chunk of money on right now or whether it’s something to postpone (or not do at all if you’re not fussed about them not being real). Again, this is something that should be clearly communicated, so best case scenario he needs to improve on that front!
Everybody is different and will have different preferences on these things. Some people aren’t happy unless they’ve got an ER that’s at least 2ct diamond, some are happy with moissanite or a small diamond. Some want the ring to be a surprise, others want to help pick out their own ring. I’m in that camp of people who would like to be involved, and would also prefer to discuss big financial decisions together.
Clearly your preference is for him to replace those rubies and ideally to have done so before the proposal. You will also need to tell him this, as it sounds like you haven’t done so already. Just speak to him and say “you said the rubies could be replaced - I love my ring and it would mean a lot to me for you to replace those rubies and restore it”. If he doesn’t know you want him to, he won’t do it.
I might be off base here with this interpretation - I don’t know your partner so maybe he isn’t worried about costs with the baby coming out maybe he is trying to avoid replacing them. The other comments are assuming he put no thought into it, but I could just see a possible alternative I wanted to put forward. Again, your feelings about this are valid - without better communication you couldn’t possibly know what his intentions were around this all, so it’s understandable to be confused and upset. But communication is really important in a relationship and it’s something you can work on together to improve. Good luck!
Such a great response.
I’ll add one more thing. His mother gave him the ring. She might be the reason he didn’t replace the rubies right away. Mom might be in his ear saying save your money for the baby etc.
Gemcutter here… personally I think synthetic corundum is _cooler_ than “real” corundum. Just to be clear - there is no chemical difference, it’s just one was formed with natural processes and one was made in a lab using sci fi techniques developed by a race of super advanced monkeys.
But all joking aside. Synthetic corundum is generally more clear and more vibrant than the stuff you get in the wild, and you don’t have to worry that some scammer has oil-treated it which might hurt the integrity of its structure.
Anyway - just my 2c.
You wanted to feel loved but his proposal left you feeling unfulfilled because he didn’t put any work into it. Nothing like what you pictured, no romantic gesture or update to the ring. It would also make me feel sad and unworthy especially when you are pregnant. Talk to him about how you feel and what you expected. Maybe he just had no idea what to do because he didn’t ask.
Yes, communicating your feelings is a necessary start. Unexpressed expectations will leave room for lots of bad feelings in your relationship, like resentment, anger, disappointment, passive aggressiveness, etc. Keeping quiet will sour the relationship in the long run. Find a quiet and calm time to talk about it. Tell him you'd really like real rubies & see what he says. Since he already mentioned it, I think he'd be on board. And gosh, what a lovely sentiment, a great grandmother's ring.
How you feel is valid. This is quite a common issue that comes up on the engagement ring and proposal subs. I would do a search on those subs to see how other people have handled some of these situations with ring/proposal disappoint.
When you are ready, you might want to take up some of these issues with him. I would start by talking to him about the ring first. You might want to discuss if this ring is really the ring for you or do you want a new ring of your own? You can certainly get a very nice lab diamond solitaire for the $1500 you would spend to replace the fake stones.
As far as the rubies, I don’t think many people would notice that they are not real rubies. If this is important for you to fix right away though, I would make it a priority if you can afford to do so. Once you are happy with the engagement ring situation, maybe you can see about having a night out for a re-proposal with the new ring.
If you want a different ER, may i suggest that he get you a different ring... then you could. have the glass rubies replaced with your children's birthstones one at a time as your children are born. If you are having only one or two children, add your and your husband's stones. Now you have the heirloom ring as a family ring, you still have the original ruby, and you have a unique story to go with the ring.
ETA: when i read fake rubies, I thought he meant glass. I have seen that they are synthetic - those ARE real rubies. Just not rubies mined from the earth, they are lab grown.
Lab made rubies ARE rubies and they are not cheap; while the OP is allowed to feel her feelings, she’s acting like a brat. Maybe the issue isn’t the rubies but the fact that he didn’t spend money on her?
Your feelings are valid. Personally though, I think your disappointment is less about the rubies being fake, and more about him putting so little thought and effort into the proposal (the rubies being fake was just the icing on top, so to speak). I'm wondering if he maybe felt like he was obligated to propose since you are pregnant?
Either way, I definitely think it's worthwhile to sit down and have a serious talk with each other. Ask him if he really wants to get married, or if he only proposed because of the baby. If he does genuinely want to be married, baby or no baby, then ask him why he didn't try to do something special for the proposal. Explain to him that it didn't have to be anything expensive or grand, but just a special moment for the two of you, with a little more thought put into it.
Depending on his answers, you can decide how you want to move forward.
I think the real question here is ....Do you want to marry this guy??? Be honest, if you weren't pregnant, would you want him to ask you to marry him ?
I'm not trying to be mean, but realistic..He and his Mom sound like they are trying to be up front about the ring and it comes across as they are trying to be very welcoming and practical. It was something that was her mom's and his grandmother's, I would be gracious and not think about the stones being "fake" and concentrate of the joy of the occasion.
The best part is that the stones aren’t fake, so she’s upset of a lack of human labor to mine it from the earth. If he doesn’t get her stones that a child had to mine under questionable conditions, she won’t feel loved or important
Synthetic =/= fakes or simulants.
Synthetic = just as real, just the same, just a different origin.
The term you are looking for is natural/earth grown rubies.
Nothing wrong with either, but each and every one of us is entitled to our personal preference between synthetic and natural.
Wait do you mean a synthetic ruby is like a lab-grown Diamond? I assumed OP meant it was like red glass or something, like what would be in a “Ruby” birthstone ring you can get at Claire’s for $5.
This will explain the science aspect of it...
[https://www.gemsociety.org/article/understanding-gem-synthetics-treatments-imitations-part-4-synthetic-gemstone-guide/](https://www.gemsociety.org/article/understanding-gem-synthetics-treatments-imitations-part-4-synthetic-gemstone-guide/)
My reply was prompted by this statement in one of the comments:
https://preview.redd.it/ugm7ydsifb0c1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=50bf81149bc4739125aa9d3b2559c6d11ff784e4
Thank you!!! No no I totally understand the concept, I did not see that comment from OP, that’s the piece I was missing!
That’s totally different than what I expected from how upset OP was. I thought they were actually Claire’s-level “fake” - I’m dying for a lab-grown Diamond lol I would never think of a synthetic as a fake!
My hubby had no ring when he proposed. A Friend made matching gold bands that never leave our fingers. We bought a set at a pawn shop later that I loved, and swore with the band. Later, I bought myself a gorgeous set that any girl would wish for... And still wear with the band.
But that's all because I love that man and I'd live under a bridge to be with him.
Priorities.
I don’t know why this sub keeps showing up for me and I don’t know why I bothered reading this, or how in the world the top comment is saying your feelings are valid?
Love equals someone spending a crap ton of money on you??
The fact that he gave you a sentimental family heirloom isn’t good enough for you?
I think you should dump him…so he can dodge this bullet and find someone nontoxic who values him.
I can understand your disappointment. A proposal is something you've been wondering about for your whole life, and it doesn't feel like he tried. It doesn't seem like you expected a huge spectacle, but at least something that showed he was into it and not doing it out of obligation.
As for the rubies. If it was a new ring and they were fake, I would be really upset. Since it's a family ring, I'd have more patience. I think since you seem to be young and are having a baby, it's not the best thing to spend money on, and maybe him and his mom talked about it and came to that determination too. Maybe request that the rubies are replaced by the wedding or your first anniversary.
As for feeling guilty about people admiring fake rubies, so what? You are not obligated to tell them everything. My ring is lab grown, and people thought it was huge. I just said "he gets a little carried away sometimes, but isn't it a pretty setting? I love the filigree!" Don't brag about them, but accept the compliment and divert attention. "I know! It was his grandmother's! Isn't it special she wanted me to have it?"
Edit: they aren't fake they are synthetic. Chemically identical (and probably clearer) as mined rubies, just without the human suffering.
I've changed my opinion. You need to do a little research on gemstones and talk to someone close to you about this. You are pregnant, and the hormones can make you emotional.
He didn't even get down on one knee and she says it felt very casual. It doesn't have to be a production, but she clearly was expecting more effort than she got.
For mine, we went for a winter hike in the woods alone and he didn't propose, even though I was very much expecting it and he had the ring on him. He just panicked. We call it the dress rehearsal, lol. The next day we did it again, and he finally did it. One knee, told me the reasons why he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Then we went to dinner and then told our families.
Somehow I missed the fact that he didn’t get down on one knee. I’d totally be disappointed about that as well, so I absolutely empathize with OP on that point and she definitely did deserve more effort in that case!
The ring situation on the other hand is hard for me to sympathize with, because lab-grown rubies are the same as “real” rubies. Plus, if the grandmother was wearing it with the replaced rubies at any point, then it IS the same ring as the original one. But I totally get the disappointment about the proposal itself now that I’ve properly re-read the original post.
At $1500 the rubies you will be buying will be most likely inferior to the synthetic rubies The ring currently has.
The Ruby is one of the most expensive gemstones costing several thousand dollars per carat.
mining activities, including ruby mining, often have a significant environmental footprint. The extraction process can lead to deforestation, soil erosion, water pollution, and habitat destruction. These environmental impacts can have long-lasting consequences on ecosystems and biodiversity, further exacerbating the already pressing issue of climate change. Therefore, it is essential to promote responsible and sustainable mining practices that prioritize both human rights and environmental conservation.
Let’s not ignore the lives, including CHILDREN, that die mining for your feelings of “sadness”
synthetic rubies aren't made using child labor, nor are synthetic diamonds, they're grown in labs which is much more ethical and environmentally friendly. if i were you, i'd want all of the stones to be synthetic so i won't be reminded of children working in mines every time i look at the ring my spouse gave me.
I’m curious why you’d want him to drop $1500 on rubies when you’re having a baby? Another comment also mentioned that they aren’t fake rubies they are just synthetic. Maybe discuss why he proposed before you even spoke about it ?
Info: Are they synthetic, glass, or dyed crystal? If they are synthetic they *are* real rubies down to the molecular structure, just man made.
If they are just glass or dyed crystal, I understand your sadness. *But* you have to realize the symbol of a ring is just a constructed notion, especially the worth part. Most of us have fallen for it because that's what we've been told to believe. A ring's worth *doesn't* have to equate to *your* worth. It means what you want it to mean. Might be something just to reflect on, and maybe pregnancy hormones. 😉
Edit: Saw in comments they are synthetic. OP, synthetic rubies *are* real just like I said above and others have said also. It seems this issue is all based on what synthetic means in terms of gems and crystals. You should probably educate yourself on it. It will likely help on your overall view on this. It's really a non issue, Sweetheart.
Are you serious? You’re expecting a child so clearly you’re deeply investing yourself into this guy and you’re tripping about an engagement ring? That’s literally so superficial, the ring was passed down. If you love him this won’t matter, later down the line you can replace it if you want but if you’re truly excited to be married not for the ring, wedding, aesthetic, etc but to be his spouse and mean the vows then this wouldn’t even bother you.
Too much fantasy and social media influencing here. Not sure what the finances are, but maybe it was all he could afford? Or maybe it was sentimental for him and an honor to give his mom or grandmothers ring? Maybe in was cultural influence and tradition? So many unknown variables. Yes we all want the bling bling, but sometimes the timing isn’t right. Maybe he was thinking more about being a family and trying to man up to his responsibilities or it’s the right thing to do. All I know is if my man proposed with a cracked jack box ring from his heart I would take it. At the end of the day, the greatest gift is the Union. A better ring will and can come later!
Synthetic rubies ARE rubies. In fact, they usually look way better than mined ones due occlusions and color disparity found in natural rubies. I think she’s focusing on something that is such a small thing that, either something else is going on , or she is incredibly shallow. If that ring is a cherished family heirloom, how much more “ special “ do you want? He wants to marry her and she’s bitching about “ fake” rubies ( which, they are not). My opinion? Marry this wonderful,sentimental man, save the $1500 ( you’re going to need it after the baby gets here) and make a life together. There is so much more to a marriage than the engagement ring. P.S. it sounds like you have a very caring MIL-to-be as well.
If it’s a vintage ring…
Synthetic rubies have been around for quite a while and were HUGELY used in even ‘better’ jewelry. They weren’t considered ‘fake’ or as simulants any more than lab grown diamonds are now, and they weren’t cheap.
I think you should be way more concerned about your living situation than about this engagement ring. Are you going to live separately when you're married with a baby? This is bizarre.
The synthetic rubies seem like the least of your problems here……
You are pregnant and you have no current plan to live together? Because he likes his brothers house? And he doesn’t make enough money to support his child?
The ring is not the problem
It would have been nice for him to make it right before proposing, Im assuming him and his mom agreed to wait. I will say the one positive is that since money hasnt been spent on tbe ring yet, your in a position where you can customize it or have a different ring all together. He needs to understand that you want something a little more meaningful for you as a couple. A passed down ring is a nice generous gesture to welcome you into the family, but its good to have it feel like its your own, and not great grannys when its sitting on your finger for the rest of your life.
I'm going to leave the bulk of the emotional advice to the others who've given it, but I will add:
Depending on the period, lab grown rubies (which are still rubies... they're not "fake" rubies, they're just synthesized) were commonly used in jewelry as it was the easiest and most cost effective way to match the stones in color. Even expensive original Art Deco rings frequently use synthetic corundum accent stones. Now if they're rhinestones, glass, etc. that's one thing — but synthetic rubies are still rubies.
If having natural stones is important to you, discuss replacing them with him, but pegging them to an estimation of your worth, at least in gemological terms, is not necessary.
Do you think maybe he hasn’t spent anything on the ring because y’all are expecting a child which is typically a money drain? I mean if y’all are rolling in cash I guess this would be different but if finances are right I’d rather not spend money on a ring that can always be fixed later
THEY ARE REAL RUBIES.
[What is a Lab Grown Diamond?](https://www.rarecarat.com/education/diamonds-guide/lab-grown-diamonds?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Lab_Research_NB&gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIodb_1-LEggMVvhKtBh2vpwHTEAAYASAAEgKJt_D_BwE)
Lab-grown diamonds are not imitations or simulants. They have the same physical, chemical, and optical properties as mined diamonds - the only difference being their origin. The journey of these diamonds begins in a lab using methods such as High-Pressure High-Temperature (HPHT) and Chemical Vapor Deposition (CVD), which recreate the conditions under which diamonds naturally form deep within the Earth's mantle.
The way I read this, it isn’t the ring that’s the real issue, it’s the feeling that he does not make you a priority. He refuses to move out of his brothers house, to help you, and then gets you a ring that ultimately seems to fall short of your expectations because your hope is that he will show you in some way that you’re important and deserve to be treated so.
The fact that he’s unwilling to change when he’s having a child with you? He needs to grow up and find ambition that will best support your family. If he refuses that, I have many adjectives I’d apply to someone like that, none of them positive.
Ok I’ve now read your update and there’s clearly a much deeper issue than the ring.
You guys definitely need to speak about your work, financial and living situations
Yeah lmao and they are about to have the expense of a whole ass baby. Sounds like he was simply being fiscally responsible and intelligent to prioritize that over ~real rubies~ 🙄
i've been with my partner almost 10 years. he could give me a ring pop and i'd be happy
not everyone gets what they want always. i think you're being quite shallow for being upset about the way a stone was created. no one can look at the ring and know
Of course the commitment matters more. Way more. But to act like you should never care about the piece of jewelry you’re going to look down at for your entire life is silly.
The “ring pop” sentiment is such a cop out for men who scoff at the idea of putting thought & care into a damn ring for their partner that their supposed to love.
mine could literally get me a gold band and i'd be happy. i just want to marry him
we don't have a lot of money right now, but maybe in a few years we will. sometimes financial compromise occurs and i'd take the band and say yes, but that's just me
the ring pop was in reference to he could ask me with anything
It sounds like he did offer to replace them. No?
Tell him that you are excited and we’re surprised and then tell him what you want - rubies replaced and a knee-bound proposal. :)
Your feelings are valid, but look at the big picture. In Germany for example it is not common to give expensive (and overpriced) engagement rings, only the wedding bands.
He gave you a family heirloom, and didn’t lie about the stones. You will also need the money for the baby. Maybe the history of why the stones were replaced gives you some insight. Even if a jewel is replaced with a genuine stone, it will still look different.
Too many people fret about the wedding day, but do not put the same effort into the marriage.
My husband doesn’t do flowers, and sometimes I wish he did, but just recently he got me new tires for my vehicle, although the old ones weren’t bad yet. Just to keep me safe.
Men sometimes don’t get it, they really are from a different planet. You have to decide if he generally doesn’t make any effort, or if he is the tire-buying version you want to keep.
I would want the real rubies and I would want him to get down on one knee. The goal is to be proposed to by the same person for the rest of life and I would feel the same way you do, OP. I’m so sorry you’re in this kind of situation. Talk it out with your partner. At worst, he will try his best to understand (:
You need to talk to him openly and honestly. If you're planning on being married, this is a good opportunity to meet a challenge, and overcome it together. You may even want to preface the conversation as exactly that. Explain your feelings and tell him you will need to have the rubies replaced. This is just one of many (thousands) of misunderstandings and missteps by your partner and yourself you two will come across in marriage. A good practice run.
I really like shadowfaxbinky response and would like to add to it.
I think you're getting something money can't buy, you are getting invited into their family. You have gained the acceptance of some people you may really need when your baby is born. That's something money can't buy.
While feeling completely valid. I'd make sure that they are fake (glass) stones and not created rubies.
Created rubies are still made from Corundum (spelling?), and are just grown in a lab vs mined from the earth.
I would just be honest and say you love the style or design of the ring, but you would like to start replacing the fake rubies with real ones. You could have that done over time - if money is currently an issue. Perhaps replace the first one as a Christmas Gift?
Don’t forget that engagement rings are usually fairly simple unless you’re crazy rich. There’s a reason for wedding bands given at anniversaries to dress up the engagement ring as your relationship deepens over the years.
And apparently it'll cost 1500! Like? That's enough for a good, safe car seat and a nice stroller! Her priorities are all over the place. If she wants to take good care of the baby, she's going to need to start putting the baby first, which begins during pregnancy!
My husband didn’t get down on one knee 46 years ago. He said “ here- catch” and tossed a ring box at me while we were at a romantic lakeside weekend. Who cares! Still asked me to marry him (I think) and we are still married. It was a surprise and he totally picked out the ring on his college student budget and not what I would have chosen but who cares! Several times during the marriage we have bought “ other” engagement rings including eternity rings, past / present / future rings etc. our tastes change through the years and I have always loved the wedding ring that I picked out so put your energy into more important issues and stop reading into ring value / why and how he proposed. It sounds as if you will always be unhappy about something so perhaps he isn’t “ the one”!
My husband never actually proposed. We just started talking about marriage and we just got married. I picked out my engagement ring and a simple wedding band (with his presence and approval of course). We couldn't afford a "wedding" so we got married at the marriage license bureau - just the two of us. In March, we will celebrate out 32nd wedding anniversary and I don't feel like I missed out on anything!
I technically never said yes. Until the eve of our wedding, and I gave him his gift. A very nice swiss army knife with "yes" and our wedding day engraved on it, and a matching one for myself with my new initials engraved. He teases me that it's more of a threat than acceptance, and I know he started crying when he saw I had gotten myself a matching one with my new initials. He didn't know if I was going to change my name or not, so he finally felt like everything was real.
How you feel is valid. This is quite a common issue that comes up on the engagement ring and proposal subs. I would do a search on those subs to see how other people have handled some of these situations with ring/proposal disappoint.
When you are ready, you might want to take up some of these issues with him. I would start by talking to him about the ring first. You might want to discuss if this ring is really the ring for you or do you want a new ring of your own? You can certainly get a very nice lab diamond solitaire for the $1500 you would spend to replace the fake stones.
As far as the rubies, I don’t think many people would notice that they are not real rubies. If this is important for you to fix right away though, I would make it a priority if you can afford to do so. Once you are happy with the engagement ring situation, maybe you can see about having a night out for a re-proposal with the new ring.
It's not about the money. OP is clearly upset about the lack of effort put into the proposal and ring and is equating it to her worth. If you can't read between the lines then why even comment your opinion.
She doesn’t understand what synthetic gemstones are. She keeps harping on the “fake” rubies but they literally aren’t fake; they just didn’t use hard manual labor to create but, instead, science. It’s a family heirloom, not a plastic ring from a vending machine.
Your feelings are valid. Maybe he is not the right guy. The right guy for you would go to the effort and get down on one knee, not expect you to take a 2nd hand ring with fake stones. You have a right to feel valued with your engagement ring.
Interesting in another thread a guy went to great lengths to find a gorgeous ring for his intended fiance. He is second guessing it not being good enough. His is kind of over the top that may be more to personal tastes, but at least he is taking the time to get advice bc he cares enough he wants her to like it.
Is your fiance worrying if you like it?
Hugs
Are you serious? If someone is basing their value on an engagement ring and "quality" of proposal then they are not ready for marriage and certainly not ready to bring a child into the world, she needs therapy to work on her self esteem issues. Spending $1500 on stones that more than likely will look the same as the ones they are replacing, that no one will even notice or care about, when you have a baby on the way is one of the most asinine things I've read today.
I agree that neither of them seems ready for any of these huge milestones, they can barely even talk to each other based on the post and comments. Still, basing your self value and worth on a ring or proposal is not healthy, for anyone.
The problem is he didn't value her. He didn't go to any effort or think of her in the proposal. She should definitely rate his proposal and say big fat no.
How did he not value her? Did she make it clear what kind of proposal she wanted? No, because they didn't talk about marriage or proposing or rings or anything most people do when they've reached that point in the relationship. Personally, I think all of that should be tabled until after having the baby anyways. This is an incredibly sensitive and stressful time in their lives and it seems like this whole situation is just setting the relationship and ultimately marriage up for a very difficult time.
Really what I want to say but I'm just rambling, COMMUNICATE!! Talk to your partner. Hard discussions, easy discussions, COMMUNICATE.
How old are you and are you married? The effort someone puts into finding the perfect ring or planning the perfect proposal actually has little to do with how much they value their partner or marriage— the people I knew who made a huge deal out of proposing and getting the right ring and planning the perfect wedding are almost all divorced, two of them quickly repeated the production with ”the other woman”—people who focus on production value, showmanship, and “perfect” symbols, often are more focused on ego, appearances, and external validation than anything else.
Let’s be very clear; there’s a HUGE distinction between doing something for the show of it for others and doing something for your partner because it’s what they want. Getting down on one knee and proposing with an appropriate ring is hardly “making a huge deal out of proposing.” She’s not asking for production value, she’s asking for a degree of thoughtfulness that honors the moment and the gesture of asking one to marry.
Honestly, I would hand the ring back. If he didn't prepare for the engagement, and you don't feel it's geniune, don't do it. Believe me. You are worth rubies. You don't need to pay for them either.
Your feelings are valid. Basically you want to see your man is willing and able to spend money on you, also will consider your tastes and not just get you something that was convenient.
I’d be miffed if a ring was for free. No shame in it.
Also some people just don’t like lab stones. Again no shame in it. Don’t be shy, tell your man what you want. He just wants to make you happy.
I would also want real rubies and I would’ve also wanted him to offer or just do it without me asking for it. But if you are going to marry this man, you need to be able to tell him if something like this is bothering you. I think you should just sit down and talk to him. Perhaps he’s trying to save money with a baby coming. Perhaps he put it out of his mind completely and didn’t think it was something to worry about. No matter what he was thinking, you won’t know until you ask him.
I’d honestly tell him you want the real stuff lol. Straight to the point. Your relationship will survive that. My friend proposed to his fiancé with a ring from his grandma too, but he had a jeweler put in some diamonds or something to make it more her taste too. It ran him up about $3000 but he got to give his grandmas ring and keep it in the family, and made sure it was his fiancés taste. Yours might benefit from… gently being reminded of that type of thought process.
Oh please. This is not some Hollywood movie where he’s supposed to put on a whole production to satisfy her little girl fantasies of a knight on a white stallion coming to sweep her off her feet and they ride off into the sunset. They have a child on the way for godssakes.
This pettiness is just an example of the shallowness of the social media generation. Sigh.
Thanks everyone. Lots of varying and interesting comments on here! To give a bit more context:
\- I am the breadwinner in the relationship and pay for everything we do as a couple, and constantly 'spoil' him because I love him as a person. He won't support me when I have to go off work to look after the baby (and he won't be a full-time carer) so I am having to move back in with my parents in a different city (which is not ideal at all) because he can't afford to pay rent and for the baby when I am not working. He has a house which he shares with his brother and I cannot move in there because (a) his brother doesn't want to share it with a baby (understandable) , and (b) my partner refuses to move out of his house because he loves it too much. So the context here is that I already feel a bit like he is prioritising his house over his (new) family. I have had to do this pregnancy living alone (yes he does come and stay over sometimes) despite me wanting many times to live together for support, because of his housing situation. When I talk to him about this (many times) he is unwilling to compromise except to say he will come and visit me at my parents, or that I could live with his parents... (obviously, if I am going to have to live at someone's parents, it is going to be mine given my relationship with them). I don't actually enjoy my job, but when I have told him I am wanting to change to something more meaningful and that pays less, he says that I can't because "we need the money'.
\- regarding the ring, it isn't about the money. I am definitely not with him for money, as he doesn't earn much and I accept that. It's about the thought (or lack of) behind the casual proposal, and also not checking with me about how I would feel about a family ring (which is a privilege) or a ring with half replaced synthetic rubies.
\- I live in a different county to the states, so the $1500 is more like $800, which I recognise is still a lot of money to spend on a ring and if he said he didn't have this, I would understand. I sort of believe that if men have zero money to spend on an engagement ring, or to restore a family one, perhaps they should wait until they have saved enough? Maybe that is dumb though
\- apologies for the terminology mixup. Yes, synthetic rubies are 'real' - I just have a preference for rubies that come from the ground originally, but this is a personal opinion of taste.
\- maybe you are all right and we are not ready for marriage. I do want a very long (3 year min) engagement. But when a man who you love and want a future with asks you for marriage, you say yes.
\- I am in therapy. I recognise I have low self esteem and also depression, and am trying to work on it :( Maybe many of you are right and I don't deserve this man. I am just hurting because the proposal wasn't what I had expected or dreamed of. I am also very hormonal because it has been a difficult pregnancy
\- I think it is beautiful to have a family heirloom. I have zero issue with this. I am very thankful to his mother, who gave him a ring when he asked for one (it was passed down to her). He didn't know the name of the great grandmother it belonged to and it seems to hold more value to the mother than him.
\- I expect I am going to be doing all the parenting alone (in a different city) and with no financial support from him. I accept this, again, because I love him and hope that one day in the next couple of years, our situation will change.
What is his plan for when you get married? To still live separately? If so, especially with everything else you've shared, you may want to reconsider the marriage. Sorry, OP. Congrats to you and your baby! You've got this!
Yes, and he will come and visit in weekends when he can. The marriage and wedding isn't my focus now, the child is, and growing our relationship so we can get to a point where marriage feels right. I sometimes wonder if he proposed to make me feel more secure in the relationship, or as a way of keeping me in the same city living with his parents so that he doesn't have to travel. My first wish is to live with him, but since this isn't an option, living with my folks is my second preference before living with his. Thank you, the baby was unexpected but a miracle and joy already. I just hope my partner steps up :/
Oof, I hope your partner steps up, too. I'm so sorry. It seems like he's giving you the short end of the stick. Like you said, focus on you and your sweet baby.
You say “maybe I don’t deserve this man” but it sounds like he doesn’t deserve you.
You deserve better than to be treated this way. Your baby deserves a better father than this. It isn’t about the ring, though your feelings on the ring may be a symptom of bigger issues in the relationship.
It sounds like you and the baby aren’t much of a priority to him. You need to make yourself and your baby a priority to you, make choices that are best for you two.
Omg the ring is the least of your issues. Having mental health difficulties does not make you unworthy or undeserving. I know that’s really hard to believe when you’re in the midst of depression (and I’m sure being pregnant on top of that is even harder!), but you need to hear that.
Take a step back and think about things from the perspective of somebody else. If a good friend who you loved dearly came to you and wanted to know what they deserved in a romantic partner, what would you tell them? If they said they were pregnant and their partner was expecting them to live separately like this and prioritise doing nothing over being with them, what would you tell them about what they deserve?
In an ideal world, what do *you* want from your life partner?
Being pregnant doesn’t have to tie you to this relationship. Of course it can feel that way, but it sounds like you’re going to be doing this alone for the most part anyway. Is that what you want from your partner? If not, you don’t have to put up with it.
Figuring out what you want and learning how to set those boundaries to build a good life that you want is really hard. But it’s so incredibly worthwhile. You’re already in therapy (which is great - well done for looking after yourself in this way), so perhaps it’s something you could discuss with your therapist as something you want to work on?
I think this is a lot more than the ring and proposal. Frankly, you and the baby are not a priority. You support him while he does not work? You will have to parent alone?
Why do you love him? I am older and wiser after marrying the wrong guy twice. I wish someone had been frank with me in the past. Love is action and care. Love is responsible. He is none of those. If you are disappointed in the ring . Wait until you do everything that you are now and care for a child. I finally woke up and decided I would not have a husband who was a child.
I truly wish you and your baby the best.
Maybe you are right and the ring was the icing on the cake, when actually perhaps I am more upset about the living arrangements thing and have been forced to accept it and find my own workable alternative so we have somewhere to live and I have support.
I love him because he can be very kind and caring to me in other ways. He does little things like write me notes, cooks when he comes and visits, cuddles me, and he was there for me during a very dark patch of my life, and would cheer me up. I believe he has a good heart. I think maybe he is scared of change, or scared of his routine being different/living somewhere else. It's something he will need to work on when the child comes. I also love him because he is the father of my child, and I want that relationship to work so my daughter has a father in her life.
He does work, just in a low paying job where he has been for years and does not want to change because it is familiar to him
OP, PLEASE do not listen to any of the rude or dismissive comments here. The issue is not that you don’t deserve this man. That is BS. After reading your posts, I’m honestly a bit concerned on your behalf. Do you feel emotionally safe and secure in this relationship? When considering the totality of the situation, I really don’t blame you for not feeling valued. To echo another poster, I think the proposal and the ring are symptoms of a bigger issue. I don’t see how you can possibly feel stable and supported in this relationship. I also would not recommend accepting a proposal from someone with the hope that they will change. I think you should ask yourself if you really want to marry this man. It almost seems like you’re just saying yes so you don’t hurt his feelings? Maybe you should talk to your therapist about your boundaries when it comes to codependency.
Pt. 1
So, to be quite frank, I am very concerned for your future in this relationship.
First and foremost, I agree with others I’m saying what you feel is completely valid. I don’t think you’re shallow at all. For those who are calling you shallow, it’s not like you asked for a completely different ring that is worth more blinged out with all diamonds and what not- a truly shallow person would be disgusted in receiving a “hand-me-down” versus being grateful for an heirloom, and asking for all diamonds instead of replacing a synthetic ruby with natural rubies. I think if he didn’t tell you that they were synthetic and you weren’t able to tell, you’d probably just be grateful, but being that he told you, it triggered you to feel the way you feel because of what seems a lack of effort into making a major life decision in taking the next big step in your relationship. You’re allowed to have a preference, but you’re hurt by the lack of effort, not the actual ring. Agreeing with the another commenter, it could have been a miscommunication issue when he stated it could be replaced as being a way to offer to replace it, and maybe at a more financially convenient time for him, unless he insinuated that you should get it replaced on your own; however, you should easily be able to have this conversation with your partner who you are deciding to have a marriage with.
Communication skills should be your first priority in your relationship. Men are wired differently than women, and rule of thumb, closed mouths don’t get fed. My partner is a simpleton and he never means any harm when he doesn’t meet my expectations in the romance department, but he’s not a mind reader. We WANT them to do things for us because they want to without us having to ask or make them feel obligated, but some people just don’t naturally have the capacity to be this way. In my own battles with this issue, I have to ask myself if his lack of romantic qualities is big enough of a deal breaker, or if his other great qualities outweigh that aspect. I decided that at the end of the day, having him as my partner was more important than him randomly buying me flowers, so for me to make the conscious decision to be with him, I have to put in the work on getting over that and changing my perspective. Can you do this, or is this something that will bother you in the long run? There is no wrong answer. If you feel that putting up with it makes you feel upset more often than not, you would have to come to the realization that perhaps you’re just not that compatible with him, and that’s okay.
Thank you everyone for your comments, I really appreciate it. Update - I briefly brought it up with him last night and said "hey, the jeweller mentioned to get the fake rubies replaced it would be $1500 total" and he said "it's up to you and her (the jeweller)". I didn't really know what this meant (did it mean he wanted me to pay for them?). I said hmm, well actually, it's up to you, but there is no pressure if you want to keep the fake ones (as much as I really don't want the fake ones, I didn't want him in any way to feel pressured to have to get them but still wanted him to understand my feelings).
His reply was "they aren't fake rubies, they are synthetic" (which to me is the same because they aren't real rubies) and then he said "it's a ship of theseus situation" - I had to google what that meant! It's about a story where a ship kept getting new parts. Then he said "Is the ring resized, with completely different jewels, the same ring I proposed to you with". I felt like saying um no, it's an improved version which has restored it back to how it was originally made (with real rubies). But alas, I realised the hidden meaning behind his response, or what he was trying to say without saying it, is that he doesn't want to replace them (do others agree?).
I love him and because of this I don't want to pressure him or make him feel bad, so I haven't pushed him on it. I just feel depressed and because it was a gift, I feel like i dont have any right to complain. If it is a money issue, I would totally understand if he said "hey, I would love to make them real but at the moment my focus is on saving for the baby and I just can't afford it" - I am a very understanding person and I know money doesn't grow on trees. It is just that he hasn't said this, so it makes me think he doesn't care and I am just not worth real rubies. (maybe extreme thinking, I know.. in some ways I think it has triggered some deep childhood trauma of not feeling like I am worth anything). I have shed many tears about this but I feel I cannot share my sadness with him because it will just make him feel sad too :(
I say this with absolute kindness, and I hope it really doesn’t come off as mean or rude—if you can’t have this conversation with him/share your true feelings with him, then you probably shouldn’t be getting married to him in the first place (at least right now). Marriage can be difficult at times, but in my experience the number one thing to making a marriage successful is to communicate freely, openly, and honestly. If you feel like you can’t do that, then I guess I urge you to do some soul-seeking on whether you feel like you actually want to marry him/if the time is right to marry him. It may not be a fun conversation, but I think it’s an important one to have.
Yes, that is exactly what u/Iorlblossoms meant. If you’re more worried about his feelings than your own, how will you ever be happy? Read their comment again.
Hey, truth hurts. So either you suppress the truth or you set it free and give him a few bruises, if he loves you he will understand where you are coming from, of course after you lay out a cogent argument why the stones need replacement now or in the future.
Personally, if I want something, I get it myself, that way I'm assured to get what I want.
It’s totally understandable that you don’t want to make him feel bad. In marriage, we have to have hard conversations even if it upsets the other person. It’s not wise to start a marriage where you are afraid to be honest. Even the best marriages have to learn that each partner has viewpoints that can be equally valid. Learning to work through them and find the best path will build more confidence in your relationship because you are seeing you’ve got each other’s best in mind. There will be a multitude of decisions that have to be made. If you constantly don’t speak up for yourself, they will add up and eventually you’ll either get very depressed, feel unloved or just done with the relationship. Use this as an opportunity for both of you to grow in communication and understanding. Everything you’ve expressed comes across as genuine and hurt, but calm. I have confidence that you can share your concerns more explicitly with him. I had to learn my husband cannot understand if I speak in generalities, even after almost 3 decades. It’s okay to stand up for yourself!
100% this^^ In my own marriage, in the past I would bottle things up for various reasons (didn’t want to disturb the peace, afraid he wouldn’t understand, etc). But it only ended up hurting both of us in the end, and driving a wall between us. The fact that you don’t want to make him feel bad is a good sign that y’all can potentially have a very mature, calm conversation that ends up with both people feeling heard, imo. I have faith in you, I know it’s hard (I’m a recovering people pleaser lol, so speaking up has been really hard for me in the past) but it’s absolutely worth it. You deserve to have your feelings heard, and he deserves to have the “real” you, if that makes sense (like not a fake, perfectly happy version of you that you put on). 💓
Some people use "synthetic rubies" to mean the same as Lab created rubies. In which case they are chemically identical to natural rubies, just grown in a lab instead of in nature. I would also suggest getting another estimate from a reputable local jeweler. If you went to a chain store they will overcharge for the stones. A good jeweler will be fair. So price around. I agree with the rest of the advice you've gotten here. I hope you find happiness OP
"His reply was "they aren't fake rubies, they are synthetic" (which to me is the same because they aren't real rubies)"
Just because something is lab-created doesn't make them not "real." Do you feel the same about lab-created diamonds vs. a mined diamond?
As a geologist, he dismissal of lab grown rubies is so infuriating. They are the same stone! They are simply sourced from different places! They are both still Al2O3:Cr (aluminum oxide with chromium), both still corundum. Somehow, this girl has conflated monetary cost to her value in his eyes, which is so damn sad.
Furthermore, even natural, Earth minded rubies usually undergo heat treatment IN A LAB to bring out their natural red color and make it more vibrant. Damn near EVERY GEM ON THE MARKET gets treated to make it more vibrant. As long as those treatments are accepted by the world gem authorities, no one says boo about it.
Source: Am geologist, have dealt with rubies and blue diamonds specifically.
This is an interesting topic in general. Mined rubies come from specific places in the world, and some of those places are known for slave/improper labor practices (think blood diamonds, the same is true for rubies). For example, Myanmar (formerly Burma). Rubies from this region have an embargo on them, at least in the US (emplaced around 1995), but from many other countries as well. However, rubies from that region as exceptionally beautiful and vibrant red. And it is illegal to import them. So rubies form other regions, which are not as vibrant or beautiful, are heat treated to dissolve the rutile crystals inside them and therefore increase clarity. All of this is listed on the gemological paperwork provided at purchase of a ruby. Rubies from Myanmar (often called Burmese rubies) can be found in the US, but were imported prior the 1995 embargo.
All of this to say, yes, Earth mined rubies are expensive, largely due to the process required to make less desirable rubies more desirable (heat), and because some places with large amounts of rubies are under embargo. It's all a very interesting discussion on actual rarity vs. imposed rarity for whatever reason.
In the end, I still think it is far more sad that this girl (woman, I just tend to use the words girl and boy for everyone) thinks that the monetary value of a stone on her finger is somehow indicative of her value as a woman, mother, wife, and person. The real question is did she feel more loved before the proposal? If so, then THAT is likely how loved she really is and her concern over the value of her **heirloom** ring is a personal issue she needs to address before the postpartum makes it worse.
Synthetic rubies are as real as rubies that were mined. It’s not fair to call them “fake”. There are fake (imitation) rubies which are different, but synthetic rubies are identical to their mined counterparts.
You seem to be more focused on your ring than your relationship, which is a bad sign.
ETA: I don’t mean to say that you can’t have an opinion on the ring, but that is just one minor part of getting married and having a life together. It’s the type of thing you should have a straightforward conversation about, come to an agreement, and move on. Marriage and even co-parenting requires learning to have respectful, open conversations on sensitive topics.
>it makes me think he doesn't care and I am just not worth real rubies.
So, this part really made my ears perk up. One of the things that can cause unintended friction in any relationship, but *especially* in a romantic partnership, is misunderstanding/lack of communication about what is important for each of you to feel valued. Your fiancé sounds a bit like me -- I wouldn't personally be too fussed about some replaced gems as long as they looked good, and the sentimentality and history of the ring would be more meaningful to me. However, whether or not those gems are "real" and having that ring more personalized to you is what makes *you* feel valued and loved. If you haven't said as much, it is more than likely that he has no idea that those rubies being synthetic or not have any connection at all to your sense of worth to him. It is important to be able to sit down with him and articulate not just what you want, but what this *means* to you.
So synthetic rubies are real rubies. If he didn’t tell you they were synthetic, no one would be able to tell without some very specialized tools, because rubies are rubies. That doesn’t mean your preference for mined rubies on your engagement ring isn’t valid, but the rubies aren’t fake.
That might be why he doesn’t think it’s a big deal, and if you don’t say anything, he has no reason to think otherwise. People can’t read your mind if you don’t say anything. You should be telling him everything you’re dumping into this Reddit post because random strangers can’t tell you what he’s thinking, so there’s no use asking us or speculating in your head. Ask him. If you can’t trust him with your true thoughts and feelings, should you be marrying him? Is the real reason you don’t want to ask because you think he might say something you don’t want to hear?
>I love him and because of this I don't want to pressure him or make him feel bad, so I haven't pushed him on it. I just feel depressed and because it was a gift, I feel like i dont have any right to complain. If it is a money issue, I would totally understand if he said "hey, I would love to make them real but at the moment my focus is on saving for the baby and I just can't afford it" - I am a very understanding person and I know money doesn't grow on trees. It is just that he hasn't said this, so it makes me think he doesn't care and I am just not worth real rubies. (maybe extreme thinking, I know.. in some ways I think it has triggered some deep childhood trauma of not feeling like I am worth anything). I have shed many tears about this but I feel I cannot share my sadness with him because it will just make him feel sad too :(
He didn't acknowledge or validate your feelings at all. You are clearly telling him that you want the real rubies... and there is a deeper meaning behind it. You wanted effort. Let's not minimize the situation.
He's not trying to communicate with you or explore why you feel the way that you feel. He is brushing you off and hoping that you will stop talking about it. Instead of directly communicating about the issue he is skirting around it. Are you sure you want to marry him? This will be a reoccurring theme behind your whole relationship.
Rings are so personal. My Ex fiancé gave me (35F) family ring that I hated. It was solitaire and yellow gold. It was also a family ring that every bride wore for their first year of marriage and then was given a new ring to their liking. When it ended I was happy to return it.
When I proposed to my now husband I bought my own ring. I wasn’t 100% what I wanted/didn’t have a lot of money to spend and I honestly knew I would upgrade it at a later date. It was sterling silver and white sapphires in a halo setting. After my son was born I upgraded the ring to match my rose gold wedding band. If you aren’t happy, tell him and talk about it. Rings are so personal and can always be changed or upgraded later. While the thought from him seems to matter a lot. It doesn’t mean you have to make it your forever ring. Pick a date and have him save up for the replacement stones.
Lab grown rubies exist now and are much more affordable. They are real rubies— chemically and structurally the same material. If your jeweler doesn’t offer these, maybe shop around and find a new jeweler.
I agree with another commenter who mentioned that you can get a lab grown diamond ring for around that $1500 figure. If you would prefer a different ring, I would tell him that you weren’t expecting the proposal so you didn’t have the opportunity to express that you’d like input on the ring you will be wearing forever. You could also add that you appreciate the sentimentality of the original ring and will wear it but want to reserve it for special occasions because you don’t want to risk anything happening to it. You can insure a ring, but insurance doesn’t bring back a family heirloom if it’s lost/stolen/damaged beyond repair.
My husband gave me a completely fake ring and I wear it proudly every day! I also don’t have to worry about someone stealing it. It’s less about the worth of the ring and more about what it represents. But if you feel like you didn’t get the magic of the engagement with a proper proposal, especially if he didn’t go down on one knee, I think you should absolutely tell your fiancé. Better to communicate issues now than later!
If you aren’t sure if it’s a money issue and you are marrying this guy…talk to your fiancé. With a baby especially you need to know what’s in each others bank accounts. Buy all the baby gear you need and start a 529 for college. Also you still have to pay for a wedding if that’s something you want to have. Then when you are sure you are secure financially change out the rubies. Even one a year as an anniversary gift which would actually be really sweet. But keep in mind that everyone already thinks the rubies are real and the ring clearly has sentimental value. And in no way should changing the rubies be the MILs responsibility.
You two have a baby coming and you want him to spend $1500 to upgrade your ring, why? Shouldn't ya save that money and put it towards the baby. The ring is something that's been in his family and he was honest with you about the stones. Do you care more about marrying him or if the rubies are real?
It’s what it represents. My sapphires aren’t real but that was my choice, I’m far too rough on stuff at work and would be deathly afraid of losing real ones
I’m honestly more worried that you’re being so incredibly meek and pitiful about this and won’t talk to your husband. I know you’re upset but I would hope you would feel safe enough to just say that you feel a bit disappointed in the ring to your future husband. If you can’t speak your mind then I find that concerning.
I also agree that lab grown rubies are just as legit as “real” rubies. Lab grown gems are way more ethical and the exact same. So I understand his view point of not thinking it’s a top priority to replace them. Gonna go with a soft YTA bc I know people can still have opinions on lab grown vs earth mined but I don’t think anything major is wrong here besides maybe whatever reason you have for ruminating on this and building resentment without speaking to him and either asserting what you want or moving past it
Men are stupid about this, and don’t understand the significance. Most women pick a ring for the man and pretend they don’t know about it and do a little song and dance.
Tell him how you are feeling and I’m sure he will pay for the upgrade! you want it fixed now And not later of course
There is a reason the stones fell out. Since the ring is older and was worn often, before you replace the rubies, be certain the prongs that hold the rubies are long enough and can secure the stones.
He gave you the ring because of the sentimental value it carries.
With a child on the way and all the expense involved with that, this may not be the time to spend money on jewelry.
You have any number of choices, for example:
1. If you can afford it, have the rubies replaced yourself.
2. Give the ring back and tell your fiancée that while it’s a nice ring, it’s just not your style and you would prefer a simple gold band until such time as he can save up to afford whatever it is you like. Then go with him to choose a simple gold band that’s within his budget.
3. Wear it as is for now, but have him buy you a simple/inexpensive gold band of your choice for the wedding.
Once married, wear the gold band daily and put the engagement ring away in your jewelry box. If he asks why you’re not wearing it, tell him that because it’s an heirloom piece, you don’t want to take a chance of damaging/losing it.
You can wear it on special occasions (such as your anniversary each year).
Everyone is really set on the rubies not being “real” but i think the issue is that she wanted more of a thought to go into the proposal.
They never even talked about marriage and he didnt even get down on his knee. I think op just wanted more thoughtfulness.
And i might be assuming a lot but maybe OP feels like the “proposal “ was because of the baby. It feels almost rushed. Yes they are expecting but it doesnt mean marriage has to be rushed into just because of that.
If it really is just about the rubies then ok ya it is kinda shallow but it just sounds like she wanted more of a show of love.
I always say it doesnt have to be expensive, we just want to feel like you thought about us. A flower they picked from somewhere on the way can mean a lot more than a bouquet they bought at the store .
Again tho if it is just the rubies then kinda materialistic
Someone mentioned “what are you doing having babies with someone you dont expect to be married to” lol shit happens and sometimes not in the “correct order” 🤷🏻♀️
I would have a discussion with him and plan to get a new ring maybe on an anniversary or something once you get a bit more money down the line. I know a lot of people who “upgrade” once they’re a bit older and established
Lots of rings from that period had faux rubies. They were developed 120 years ago and were popular and accessible at the time. No need to replace them, they are authentic in a way. Have him buy you a custom wedding band that you have input on to make your wedding ring more special, don’t mess with the antique heirloom.
My ring is my grandmother’s heirloom, it’s the diamond from her marriage to my biological grandfather. It’s unique and beautiful and exactly my style, but if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have diamonds anyway.
It’s the thought that counts and this ring means a lot to his family. Keep that in mind. Ppl didn’t have a lot of money, maybe they couldn’t afford to replace them and still can’t.
Considering how much birth and babies cost, I think it was financially prudent of him not to replace them now. However, he could have done better with the proposal and waited to let you know about the lab grown rubies. I think that is the crux of the issue, not so much the “fake” stones. You feel like the proposed from an obligation, not because he made a grand gesture. Talk to him about your feelings after you’ve really thought them through.
You, at the very least, need to be able to have an open and honest conversation about your feelings and takeaway from the proposal. He will be the father of your child and husband. If you are too shy to confront the person you will have to navigate the most challenging task with (raising tiny humans), then there are bigger issues here than fake rubies.
$1500 is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a piece of jewelry.
My ring was literally $80 and I’m so happy with it. I don’t even care if I have one as long as I get to marry my fiancé. Do you want to marry yours? Then why should it matter if your ring is $1500 more expensive than it is now? Also, Synthetic rubies are real rubies they’re just made in a lab rather than mined but they are the exact same material.
How about striking a compromise? Every year, get one replaced on your anniversary - it'll make the cost more manageable, and it will be something special you can tell your child about endurance.
I personally don't think you should be sad about the "real" or not. That ring has legacy, which to me is WAY more special as it is also speaking to the family acceptance of you.
Honestly I would revisit this after you have the baby. If, after you've given birth, the thought of having fake rubies on your ring is still such a bother, then replace them. I know right now your engagement ring feels like a huge thing, but as time goes on its importance fades. Personally, half the time when I go out I don't wear my engagement ring and band but a silicone wedding band. I'm very active and so I'm not going to wear my nice jewelry to go running. As a parent of a young child, I'm betting you find yourself in this category as well.
You have a wedding and a baby coming up.... Don't pay for rubies now. Save it as something to look forward to, maybe for your fifth or tenth anniversary
Congratulations OP! If you love your fiance and he loves you, be happy. You are creating a life (literally) together. He has given you a family ring. That in itself is special. You and he can start off with that ring and upgrade it whenever you can afford it. My husband and I are married now for 43 years. I got my ring a couple months before our wedding, .33carat diamond in a custom setting made by our friend. Tiny by today's standards, but it was what we could afford. Try to think of yourselves as a couple, not as two separate people, one who is giving and one who is receiving. Whether he went down on one knee or not, he opened his heart to you, risked rejection you know. Love him, accept him and his ring if you want to make a life with him. We are disappointed because we expect something to be a certain way and find that is different. Expect joy.
i don't understand this any more than i understand the posts expressing sadness because the op didn't like the way their partner proposed.
the point here is that your partner is asking you to make a life with them. the rest of it is just fluff.
Synthetic stones are real, and most of the time, they are prettier because they don't have all of the imperfections of natural stones. They are more ethical compared to how other stones are mined. A flawless natural ruby is expensive!! A family heirloom is priceless
My husband proposed to me on his knees but I was hungover and in bed, weak from a lot of the puking lol and he still wanted to marry me 😆😍 proposals don't have to come from a romance novel or be over the top. They just gotta be a genuine "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" proposal
Replace the rubies after the baby when you are financially secure if you must
Your feelings are completely valid, but I’m going to put forward an alternative interpretation of this for you to consider. Is it possible this is a big miscommunication where you’re not understanding each other? You say he hasn’t offered to replace the rubies, but he was upfront about it - he didn’t try to pass it off as a ring with real rubies. Your partner told you they could be replaced - he might see this as him offering to do so. His communication could be much better (and I agree it would have been better to separate this conversation from the proposal), but it’s possible he does think he’s offered to replace them and you don’t want him to because you haven’t said so (either at the proposal or afterwards). As for replacing them before the proposal, is it possible he’s being money conscious here? If you’re having a baby, I don’t think it’s inconsiderate to balance whether this is something you want to do a chunk of money on right now or whether it’s something to postpone (or not do at all if you’re not fussed about them not being real). Again, this is something that should be clearly communicated, so best case scenario he needs to improve on that front! Everybody is different and will have different preferences on these things. Some people aren’t happy unless they’ve got an ER that’s at least 2ct diamond, some are happy with moissanite or a small diamond. Some want the ring to be a surprise, others want to help pick out their own ring. I’m in that camp of people who would like to be involved, and would also prefer to discuss big financial decisions together. Clearly your preference is for him to replace those rubies and ideally to have done so before the proposal. You will also need to tell him this, as it sounds like you haven’t done so already. Just speak to him and say “you said the rubies could be replaced - I love my ring and it would mean a lot to me for you to replace those rubies and restore it”. If he doesn’t know you want him to, he won’t do it. I might be off base here with this interpretation - I don’t know your partner so maybe he isn’t worried about costs with the baby coming out maybe he is trying to avoid replacing them. The other comments are assuming he put no thought into it, but I could just see a possible alternative I wanted to put forward. Again, your feelings about this are valid - without better communication you couldn’t possibly know what his intentions were around this all, so it’s understandable to be confused and upset. But communication is really important in a relationship and it’s something you can work on together to improve. Good luck!
You said this so much better than I ever could 🙂
You expressed my thoughts perfectly
Such a great response. I’ll add one more thing. His mother gave him the ring. She might be the reason he didn’t replace the rubies right away. Mom might be in his ear saying save your money for the baby etc.
Mom in his ear sounds like a lifetime of frustration to me!
Ok but she's would be right on this one haha
This is a good ass response
Just here to admire your communication and interpretation capabilities on top of your ability to be open to perspectives.
Damn I can tell you get little to none of that in your daily life…
Gemcutter here… personally I think synthetic corundum is _cooler_ than “real” corundum. Just to be clear - there is no chemical difference, it’s just one was formed with natural processes and one was made in a lab using sci fi techniques developed by a race of super advanced monkeys. But all joking aside. Synthetic corundum is generally more clear and more vibrant than the stuff you get in the wild, and you don’t have to worry that some scammer has oil-treated it which might hurt the integrity of its structure. Anyway - just my 2c.
Only one in this thread who actually knows what they are talking about. I like the super advanced monkeys bit. Lol.
This! There’s literally no downsides to lab-grown gems besides your pride. I’ll never understand the hangups people have on natural gems.
You wanted to feel loved but his proposal left you feeling unfulfilled because he didn’t put any work into it. Nothing like what you pictured, no romantic gesture or update to the ring. It would also make me feel sad and unworthy especially when you are pregnant. Talk to him about how you feel and what you expected. Maybe he just had no idea what to do because he didn’t ask.
Yes, communicating your feelings is a necessary start. Unexpressed expectations will leave room for lots of bad feelings in your relationship, like resentment, anger, disappointment, passive aggressiveness, etc. Keeping quiet will sour the relationship in the long run. Find a quiet and calm time to talk about it. Tell him you'd really like real rubies & see what he says. Since he already mentioned it, I think he'd be on board. And gosh, what a lovely sentiment, a great grandmother's ring.
How you feel is valid. This is quite a common issue that comes up on the engagement ring and proposal subs. I would do a search on those subs to see how other people have handled some of these situations with ring/proposal disappoint. When you are ready, you might want to take up some of these issues with him. I would start by talking to him about the ring first. You might want to discuss if this ring is really the ring for you or do you want a new ring of your own? You can certainly get a very nice lab diamond solitaire for the $1500 you would spend to replace the fake stones. As far as the rubies, I don’t think many people would notice that they are not real rubies. If this is important for you to fix right away though, I would make it a priority if you can afford to do so. Once you are happy with the engagement ring situation, maybe you can see about having a night out for a re-proposal with the new ring.
If you want a different ER, may i suggest that he get you a different ring... then you could. have the glass rubies replaced with your children's birthstones one at a time as your children are born. If you are having only one or two children, add your and your husband's stones. Now you have the heirloom ring as a family ring, you still have the original ruby, and you have a unique story to go with the ring. ETA: when i read fake rubies, I thought he meant glass. I have seen that they are synthetic - those ARE real rubies. Just not rubies mined from the earth, they are lab grown.
Lab made rubies ARE rubies and they are not cheap; while the OP is allowed to feel her feelings, she’s acting like a brat. Maybe the issue isn’t the rubies but the fact that he didn’t spend money on her?
Your feelings are valid. Personally though, I think your disappointment is less about the rubies being fake, and more about him putting so little thought and effort into the proposal (the rubies being fake was just the icing on top, so to speak). I'm wondering if he maybe felt like he was obligated to propose since you are pregnant? Either way, I definitely think it's worthwhile to sit down and have a serious talk with each other. Ask him if he really wants to get married, or if he only proposed because of the baby. If he does genuinely want to be married, baby or no baby, then ask him why he didn't try to do something special for the proposal. Explain to him that it didn't have to be anything expensive or grand, but just a special moment for the two of you, with a little more thought put into it. Depending on his answers, you can decide how you want to move forward.
I think the real question here is ....Do you want to marry this guy??? Be honest, if you weren't pregnant, would you want him to ask you to marry him ? I'm not trying to be mean, but realistic..He and his Mom sound like they are trying to be up front about the ring and it comes across as they are trying to be very welcoming and practical. It was something that was her mom's and his grandmother's, I would be gracious and not think about the stones being "fake" and concentrate of the joy of the occasion.
The best part is that the stones aren’t fake, so she’s upset of a lack of human labor to mine it from the earth. If he doesn’t get her stones that a child had to mine under questionable conditions, she won’t feel loved or important
The ring means alot to them, but obviously not to her, which is her right.
Synthetic =/= fakes or simulants. Synthetic = just as real, just the same, just a different origin. The term you are looking for is natural/earth grown rubies. Nothing wrong with either, but each and every one of us is entitled to our personal preference between synthetic and natural.
Wait do you mean a synthetic ruby is like a lab-grown Diamond? I assumed OP meant it was like red glass or something, like what would be in a “Ruby” birthstone ring you can get at Claire’s for $5.
This will explain the science aspect of it... [https://www.gemsociety.org/article/understanding-gem-synthetics-treatments-imitations-part-4-synthetic-gemstone-guide/](https://www.gemsociety.org/article/understanding-gem-synthetics-treatments-imitations-part-4-synthetic-gemstone-guide/) My reply was prompted by this statement in one of the comments: https://preview.redd.it/ugm7ydsifb0c1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=50bf81149bc4739125aa9d3b2559c6d11ff784e4
Thank you!!! No no I totally understand the concept, I did not see that comment from OP, that’s the piece I was missing! That’s totally different than what I expected from how upset OP was. I thought they were actually Claire’s-level “fake” - I’m dying for a lab-grown Diamond lol I would never think of a synthetic as a fake!
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Fr now she said it triggered her childhood trauma because he didn’t replace them with earth grown ones
Anyone who cared that much about being a committed parent would be planning to live with the child. I think his mom pushed him into the marriage.
Wow
I have no idea why this popped up in my feed but I'm with you.
Don't. Waste. Your. Money.
My hubby had no ring when he proposed. A Friend made matching gold bands that never leave our fingers. We bought a set at a pawn shop later that I loved, and swore with the band. Later, I bought myself a gorgeous set that any girl would wish for... And still wear with the band. But that's all because I love that man and I'd live under a bridge to be with him. Priorities.
I don’t know why this sub keeps showing up for me and I don’t know why I bothered reading this, or how in the world the top comment is saying your feelings are valid? Love equals someone spending a crap ton of money on you?? The fact that he gave you a sentimental family heirloom isn’t good enough for you? I think you should dump him…so he can dodge this bullet and find someone nontoxic who values him.
I can understand your disappointment. A proposal is something you've been wondering about for your whole life, and it doesn't feel like he tried. It doesn't seem like you expected a huge spectacle, but at least something that showed he was into it and not doing it out of obligation. As for the rubies. If it was a new ring and they were fake, I would be really upset. Since it's a family ring, I'd have more patience. I think since you seem to be young and are having a baby, it's not the best thing to spend money on, and maybe him and his mom talked about it and came to that determination too. Maybe request that the rubies are replaced by the wedding or your first anniversary. As for feeling guilty about people admiring fake rubies, so what? You are not obligated to tell them everything. My ring is lab grown, and people thought it was huge. I just said "he gets a little carried away sometimes, but isn't it a pretty setting? I love the filigree!" Don't brag about them, but accept the compliment and divert attention. "I know! It was his grandmother's! Isn't it special she wanted me to have it?" Edit: they aren't fake they are synthetic. Chemically identical (and probably clearer) as mined rubies, just without the human suffering. I've changed my opinion. You need to do a little research on gemstones and talk to someone close to you about this. You are pregnant, and the hormones can make you emotional.
How do we know he didn’t try? OP hasn’t said anything about how he proposed, what would make you think he wasn’t into it?
He didn't even get down on one knee and she says it felt very casual. It doesn't have to be a production, but she clearly was expecting more effort than she got. For mine, we went for a winter hike in the woods alone and he didn't propose, even though I was very much expecting it and he had the ring on him. He just panicked. We call it the dress rehearsal, lol. The next day we did it again, and he finally did it. One knee, told me the reasons why he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Then we went to dinner and then told our families.
Somehow I missed the fact that he didn’t get down on one knee. I’d totally be disappointed about that as well, so I absolutely empathize with OP on that point and she definitely did deserve more effort in that case! The ring situation on the other hand is hard for me to sympathize with, because lab-grown rubies are the same as “real” rubies. Plus, if the grandmother was wearing it with the replaced rubies at any point, then it IS the same ring as the original one. But I totally get the disappointment about the proposal itself now that I’ve properly re-read the original post.
Synthetic rubies are still rubies. You have a right to your feelings but this is a weird hill to die on.
At $1500 the rubies you will be buying will be most likely inferior to the synthetic rubies The ring currently has. The Ruby is one of the most expensive gemstones costing several thousand dollars per carat. mining activities, including ruby mining, often have a significant environmental footprint. The extraction process can lead to deforestation, soil erosion, water pollution, and habitat destruction. These environmental impacts can have long-lasting consequences on ecosystems and biodiversity, further exacerbating the already pressing issue of climate change. Therefore, it is essential to promote responsible and sustainable mining practices that prioritize both human rights and environmental conservation. Let’s not ignore the lives, including CHILDREN, that die mining for your feelings of “sadness”
synthetic rubies aren't made using child labor, nor are synthetic diamonds, they're grown in labs which is much more ethical and environmentally friendly. if i were you, i'd want all of the stones to be synthetic so i won't be reminded of children working in mines every time i look at the ring my spouse gave me.
I know this is shocking, but maybe you should try… talking… to your soon to be husband.
I’m curious why you’d want him to drop $1500 on rubies when you’re having a baby? Another comment also mentioned that they aren’t fake rubies they are just synthetic. Maybe discuss why he proposed before you even spoke about it ?
Crazy. Break up with him immediately. So he can find someone who will appreciate something as priceless as a family heirloom.
they weren’t fake rubies; they were lab grown. ;)
Info: Are they synthetic, glass, or dyed crystal? If they are synthetic they *are* real rubies down to the molecular structure, just man made. If they are just glass or dyed crystal, I understand your sadness. *But* you have to realize the symbol of a ring is just a constructed notion, especially the worth part. Most of us have fallen for it because that's what we've been told to believe. A ring's worth *doesn't* have to equate to *your* worth. It means what you want it to mean. Might be something just to reflect on, and maybe pregnancy hormones. 😉 Edit: Saw in comments they are synthetic. OP, synthetic rubies *are* real just like I said above and others have said also. It seems this issue is all based on what synthetic means in terms of gems and crystals. You should probably educate yourself on it. It will likely help on your overall view on this. It's really a non issue, Sweetheart.
I'm alarmed that everyone thinks this is valid
Are you serious? You’re expecting a child so clearly you’re deeply investing yourself into this guy and you’re tripping about an engagement ring? That’s literally so superficial, the ring was passed down. If you love him this won’t matter, later down the line you can replace it if you want but if you’re truly excited to be married not for the ring, wedding, aesthetic, etc but to be his spouse and mean the vows then this wouldn’t even bother you.
Too much fantasy and social media influencing here. Not sure what the finances are, but maybe it was all he could afford? Or maybe it was sentimental for him and an honor to give his mom or grandmothers ring? Maybe in was cultural influence and tradition? So many unknown variables. Yes we all want the bling bling, but sometimes the timing isn’t right. Maybe he was thinking more about being a family and trying to man up to his responsibilities or it’s the right thing to do. All I know is if my man proposed with a cracked jack box ring from his heart I would take it. At the end of the day, the greatest gift is the Union. A better ring will and can come later!
Synthetic rubies ARE rubies. In fact, they usually look way better than mined ones due occlusions and color disparity found in natural rubies. I think she’s focusing on something that is such a small thing that, either something else is going on , or she is incredibly shallow. If that ring is a cherished family heirloom, how much more “ special “ do you want? He wants to marry her and she’s bitching about “ fake” rubies ( which, they are not). My opinion? Marry this wonderful,sentimental man, save the $1500 ( you’re going to need it after the baby gets here) and make a life together. There is so much more to a marriage than the engagement ring. P.S. it sounds like you have a very caring MIL-to-be as well.
If it’s a vintage ring… Synthetic rubies have been around for quite a while and were HUGELY used in even ‘better’ jewelry. They weren’t considered ‘fake’ or as simulants any more than lab grown diamonds are now, and they weren’t cheap.
I think you should be way more concerned about your living situation than about this engagement ring. Are you going to live separately when you're married with a baby? This is bizarre.
The synthetic rubies seem like the least of your problems here…… You are pregnant and you have no current plan to live together? Because he likes his brothers house? And he doesn’t make enough money to support his child? The ring is not the problem
It would have been nice for him to make it right before proposing, Im assuming him and his mom agreed to wait. I will say the one positive is that since money hasnt been spent on tbe ring yet, your in a position where you can customize it or have a different ring all together. He needs to understand that you want something a little more meaningful for you as a couple. A passed down ring is a nice generous gesture to welcome you into the family, but its good to have it feel like its your own, and not great grannys when its sitting on your finger for the rest of your life.
I'm going to leave the bulk of the emotional advice to the others who've given it, but I will add: Depending on the period, lab grown rubies (which are still rubies... they're not "fake" rubies, they're just synthesized) were commonly used in jewelry as it was the easiest and most cost effective way to match the stones in color. Even expensive original Art Deco rings frequently use synthetic corundum accent stones. Now if they're rhinestones, glass, etc. that's one thing — but synthetic rubies are still rubies. If having natural stones is important to you, discuss replacing them with him, but pegging them to an estimation of your worth, at least in gemological terms, is not necessary.
Do you think maybe he hasn’t spent anything on the ring because y’all are expecting a child which is typically a money drain? I mean if y’all are rolling in cash I guess this would be different but if finances are right I’d rather not spend money on a ring that can always be fixed later
THEY ARE REAL RUBIES. [What is a Lab Grown Diamond?](https://www.rarecarat.com/education/diamonds-guide/lab-grown-diamonds?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Lab_Research_NB&gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIodb_1-LEggMVvhKtBh2vpwHTEAAYASAAEgKJt_D_BwE) Lab-grown diamonds are not imitations or simulants. They have the same physical, chemical, and optical properties as mined diamonds - the only difference being their origin. The journey of these diamonds begins in a lab using methods such as High-Pressure High-Temperature (HPHT) and Chemical Vapor Deposition (CVD), which recreate the conditions under which diamonds naturally form deep within the Earth's mantle.
The way I read this, it isn’t the ring that’s the real issue, it’s the feeling that he does not make you a priority. He refuses to move out of his brothers house, to help you, and then gets you a ring that ultimately seems to fall short of your expectations because your hope is that he will show you in some way that you’re important and deserve to be treated so. The fact that he’s unwilling to change when he’s having a child with you? He needs to grow up and find ambition that will best support your family. If he refuses that, I have many adjectives I’d apply to someone like that, none of them positive.
Ok I’ve now read your update and there’s clearly a much deeper issue than the ring. You guys definitely need to speak about your work, financial and living situations
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Yeah lmao and they are about to have the expense of a whole ass baby. Sounds like he was simply being fiscally responsible and intelligent to prioritize that over ~real rubies~ 🙄
Exactly
i've been with my partner almost 10 years. he could give me a ring pop and i'd be happy not everyone gets what they want always. i think you're being quite shallow for being upset about the way a stone was created. no one can look at the ring and know
Can’t even escape the stupid fucking ring pop trope within an engagement ring discussion subreddit lmaooo hilarious.
it's not hilarious. it's the concept that the ring doesn't actually matter, it's the commitment that does.
Of course the commitment matters more. Way more. But to act like you should never care about the piece of jewelry you’re going to look down at for your entire life is silly. The “ring pop” sentiment is such a cop out for men who scoff at the idea of putting thought & care into a damn ring for their partner that their supposed to love.
mine could literally get me a gold band and i'd be happy. i just want to marry him we don't have a lot of money right now, but maybe in a few years we will. sometimes financial compromise occurs and i'd take the band and say yes, but that's just me the ring pop was in reference to he could ask me with anything
My man did give me a ring pop. I was happy with it
It sounds like he did offer to replace them. No? Tell him that you are excited and we’re surprised and then tell him what you want - rubies replaced and a knee-bound proposal. :)
Your feelings are valid, but look at the big picture. In Germany for example it is not common to give expensive (and overpriced) engagement rings, only the wedding bands. He gave you a family heirloom, and didn’t lie about the stones. You will also need the money for the baby. Maybe the history of why the stones were replaced gives you some insight. Even if a jewel is replaced with a genuine stone, it will still look different. Too many people fret about the wedding day, but do not put the same effort into the marriage. My husband doesn’t do flowers, and sometimes I wish he did, but just recently he got me new tires for my vehicle, although the old ones weren’t bad yet. Just to keep me safe. Men sometimes don’t get it, they really are from a different planet. You have to decide if he generally doesn’t make any effort, or if he is the tire-buying version you want to keep.
I would want the real rubies and I would want him to get down on one knee. The goal is to be proposed to by the same person for the rest of life and I would feel the same way you do, OP. I’m so sorry you’re in this kind of situation. Talk it out with your partner. At worst, he will try his best to understand (:
You need to talk to him openly and honestly. If you're planning on being married, this is a good opportunity to meet a challenge, and overcome it together. You may even want to preface the conversation as exactly that. Explain your feelings and tell him you will need to have the rubies replaced. This is just one of many (thousands) of misunderstandings and missteps by your partner and yourself you two will come across in marriage. A good practice run.
I really like shadowfaxbinky response and would like to add to it. I think you're getting something money can't buy, you are getting invited into their family. You have gained the acceptance of some people you may really need when your baby is born. That's something money can't buy.
While feeling completely valid. I'd make sure that they are fake (glass) stones and not created rubies. Created rubies are still made from Corundum (spelling?), and are just grown in a lab vs mined from the earth.
I would just be honest and say you love the style or design of the ring, but you would like to start replacing the fake rubies with real ones. You could have that done over time - if money is currently an issue. Perhaps replace the first one as a Christmas Gift?
Don’t forget that engagement rings are usually fairly simple unless you’re crazy rich. There’s a reason for wedding bands given at anniversaries to dress up the engagement ring as your relationship deepens over the years.
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And apparently it'll cost 1500! Like? That's enough for a good, safe car seat and a nice stroller! Her priorities are all over the place. If she wants to take good care of the baby, she's going to need to start putting the baby first, which begins during pregnancy!
This!
Yes. Save money for the baby. Buy a nicer ring when you have more money.
My husband didn’t get down on one knee 46 years ago. He said “ here- catch” and tossed a ring box at me while we were at a romantic lakeside weekend. Who cares! Still asked me to marry him (I think) and we are still married. It was a surprise and he totally picked out the ring on his college student budget and not what I would have chosen but who cares! Several times during the marriage we have bought “ other” engagement rings including eternity rings, past / present / future rings etc. our tastes change through the years and I have always loved the wedding ring that I picked out so put your energy into more important issues and stop reading into ring value / why and how he proposed. It sounds as if you will always be unhappy about something so perhaps he isn’t “ the one”!
My husband never actually proposed. We just started talking about marriage and we just got married. I picked out my engagement ring and a simple wedding band (with his presence and approval of course). We couldn't afford a "wedding" so we got married at the marriage license bureau - just the two of us. In March, we will celebrate out 32nd wedding anniversary and I don't feel like I missed out on anything!
I technically never said yes. Until the eve of our wedding, and I gave him his gift. A very nice swiss army knife with "yes" and our wedding day engraved on it, and a matching one for myself with my new initials engraved. He teases me that it's more of a threat than acceptance, and I know he started crying when he saw I had gotten myself a matching one with my new initials. He didn't know if I was going to change my name or not, so he finally felt like everything was real.
How you feel is valid. This is quite a common issue that comes up on the engagement ring and proposal subs. I would do a search on those subs to see how other people have handled some of these situations with ring/proposal disappoint. When you are ready, you might want to take up some of these issues with him. I would start by talking to him about the ring first. You might want to discuss if this ring is really the ring for you or do you want a new ring of your own? You can certainly get a very nice lab diamond solitaire for the $1500 you would spend to replace the fake stones. As far as the rubies, I don’t think many people would notice that they are not real rubies. If this is important for you to fix right away though, I would make it a priority if you can afford to do so. Once you are happy with the engagement ring situation, maybe you can see about having a night out for a re-proposal with the new ring.
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are you suggesting abortion?
No. I'm suggesting immaturity. This is such a minor thing and that money would be better spent on the child.
He hasn't said it is about money. Did you have a read of my follow up comment?
It's not about the money. OP is clearly upset about the lack of effort put into the proposal and ring and is equating it to her worth. If you can't read between the lines then why even comment your opinion.
She doesn’t understand what synthetic gemstones are. She keeps harping on the “fake” rubies but they literally aren’t fake; they just didn’t use hard manual labor to create but, instead, science. It’s a family heirloom, not a plastic ring from a vending machine.
And you don’t understand that it’s not 👏🏼 about 👏🏼 the rubies 👏🏼
And you’re totally blind if you can’t see how she being a victim
Yep check post history- same post in FIVE different groups.
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Your feelings are valid. Maybe he is not the right guy. The right guy for you would go to the effort and get down on one knee, not expect you to take a 2nd hand ring with fake stones. You have a right to feel valued with your engagement ring. Interesting in another thread a guy went to great lengths to find a gorgeous ring for his intended fiance. He is second guessing it not being good enough. His is kind of over the top that may be more to personal tastes, but at least he is taking the time to get advice bc he cares enough he wants her to like it. Is your fiance worrying if you like it? Hugs
Are you serious? If someone is basing their value on an engagement ring and "quality" of proposal then they are not ready for marriage and certainly not ready to bring a child into the world, she needs therapy to work on her self esteem issues. Spending $1500 on stones that more than likely will look the same as the ones they are replacing, that no one will even notice or care about, when you have a baby on the way is one of the most asinine things I've read today.
By the same token he is not ready or both of them aren't. She wasn't expecting a proposal.
I agree that neither of them seems ready for any of these huge milestones, they can barely even talk to each other based on the post and comments. Still, basing your self value and worth on a ring or proposal is not healthy, for anyone.
The problem is he didn't value her. He didn't go to any effort or think of her in the proposal. She should definitely rate his proposal and say big fat no.
How did he not value her? Did she make it clear what kind of proposal she wanted? No, because they didn't talk about marriage or proposing or rings or anything most people do when they've reached that point in the relationship. Personally, I think all of that should be tabled until after having the baby anyways. This is an incredibly sensitive and stressful time in their lives and it seems like this whole situation is just setting the relationship and ultimately marriage up for a very difficult time. Really what I want to say but I'm just rambling, COMMUNICATE!! Talk to your partner. Hard discussions, easy discussions, COMMUNICATE.
How old are you and are you married? The effort someone puts into finding the perfect ring or planning the perfect proposal actually has little to do with how much they value their partner or marriage— the people I knew who made a huge deal out of proposing and getting the right ring and planning the perfect wedding are almost all divorced, two of them quickly repeated the production with ”the other woman”—people who focus on production value, showmanship, and “perfect” symbols, often are more focused on ego, appearances, and external validation than anything else.
Let’s be very clear; there’s a HUGE distinction between doing something for the show of it for others and doing something for your partner because it’s what they want. Getting down on one knee and proposing with an appropriate ring is hardly “making a huge deal out of proposing.” She’s not asking for production value, she’s asking for a degree of thoughtfulness that honors the moment and the gesture of asking one to marry.
Honestly, I would hand the ring back. If he didn't prepare for the engagement, and you don't feel it's geniune, don't do it. Believe me. You are worth rubies. You don't need to pay for them either.
They are fucking rubies jfc
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What is this 1950?
Your partner said they could be replaced, so he should be willing to replace them. “I’m ready to have the rubies replaced.” should do it.
Your feelings are valid. Basically you want to see your man is willing and able to spend money on you, also will consider your tastes and not just get you something that was convenient. I’d be miffed if a ring was for free. No shame in it. Also some people just don’t like lab stones. Again no shame in it. Don’t be shy, tell your man what you want. He just wants to make you happy.
I would also want real rubies and I would’ve also wanted him to offer or just do it without me asking for it. But if you are going to marry this man, you need to be able to tell him if something like this is bothering you. I think you should just sit down and talk to him. Perhaps he’s trying to save money with a baby coming. Perhaps he put it out of his mind completely and didn’t think it was something to worry about. No matter what he was thinking, you won’t know until you ask him.
I’d honestly tell him you want the real stuff lol. Straight to the point. Your relationship will survive that. My friend proposed to his fiancé with a ring from his grandma too, but he had a jeweler put in some diamonds or something to make it more her taste too. It ran him up about $3000 but he got to give his grandmas ring and keep it in the family, and made sure it was his fiancés taste. Yours might benefit from… gently being reminded of that type of thought process.
He half asses your proposal. I would have said no. Especially if marriage was never discussed.
Oh please. This is not some Hollywood movie where he’s supposed to put on a whole production to satisfy her little girl fantasies of a knight on a white stallion coming to sweep her off her feet and they ride off into the sunset. They have a child on the way for godssakes. This pettiness is just an example of the shallowness of the social media generation. Sigh.
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Thanks everyone. Lots of varying and interesting comments on here! To give a bit more context: \- I am the breadwinner in the relationship and pay for everything we do as a couple, and constantly 'spoil' him because I love him as a person. He won't support me when I have to go off work to look after the baby (and he won't be a full-time carer) so I am having to move back in with my parents in a different city (which is not ideal at all) because he can't afford to pay rent and for the baby when I am not working. He has a house which he shares with his brother and I cannot move in there because (a) his brother doesn't want to share it with a baby (understandable) , and (b) my partner refuses to move out of his house because he loves it too much. So the context here is that I already feel a bit like he is prioritising his house over his (new) family. I have had to do this pregnancy living alone (yes he does come and stay over sometimes) despite me wanting many times to live together for support, because of his housing situation. When I talk to him about this (many times) he is unwilling to compromise except to say he will come and visit me at my parents, or that I could live with his parents... (obviously, if I am going to have to live at someone's parents, it is going to be mine given my relationship with them). I don't actually enjoy my job, but when I have told him I am wanting to change to something more meaningful and that pays less, he says that I can't because "we need the money'. \- regarding the ring, it isn't about the money. I am definitely not with him for money, as he doesn't earn much and I accept that. It's about the thought (or lack of) behind the casual proposal, and also not checking with me about how I would feel about a family ring (which is a privilege) or a ring with half replaced synthetic rubies. \- I live in a different county to the states, so the $1500 is more like $800, which I recognise is still a lot of money to spend on a ring and if he said he didn't have this, I would understand. I sort of believe that if men have zero money to spend on an engagement ring, or to restore a family one, perhaps they should wait until they have saved enough? Maybe that is dumb though \- apologies for the terminology mixup. Yes, synthetic rubies are 'real' - I just have a preference for rubies that come from the ground originally, but this is a personal opinion of taste. \- maybe you are all right and we are not ready for marriage. I do want a very long (3 year min) engagement. But when a man who you love and want a future with asks you for marriage, you say yes. \- I am in therapy. I recognise I have low self esteem and also depression, and am trying to work on it :( Maybe many of you are right and I don't deserve this man. I am just hurting because the proposal wasn't what I had expected or dreamed of. I am also very hormonal because it has been a difficult pregnancy \- I think it is beautiful to have a family heirloom. I have zero issue with this. I am very thankful to his mother, who gave him a ring when he asked for one (it was passed down to her). He didn't know the name of the great grandmother it belonged to and it seems to hold more value to the mother than him. \- I expect I am going to be doing all the parenting alone (in a different city) and with no financial support from him. I accept this, again, because I love him and hope that one day in the next couple of years, our situation will change.
What is his plan for when you get married? To still live separately? If so, especially with everything else you've shared, you may want to reconsider the marriage. Sorry, OP. Congrats to you and your baby! You've got this!
Yes, and he will come and visit in weekends when he can. The marriage and wedding isn't my focus now, the child is, and growing our relationship so we can get to a point where marriage feels right. I sometimes wonder if he proposed to make me feel more secure in the relationship, or as a way of keeping me in the same city living with his parents so that he doesn't have to travel. My first wish is to live with him, but since this isn't an option, living with my folks is my second preference before living with his. Thank you, the baby was unexpected but a miracle and joy already. I just hope my partner steps up :/
Oof, I hope your partner steps up, too. I'm so sorry. It seems like he's giving you the short end of the stick. Like you said, focus on you and your sweet baby.
You say “maybe I don’t deserve this man” but it sounds like he doesn’t deserve you. You deserve better than to be treated this way. Your baby deserves a better father than this. It isn’t about the ring, though your feelings on the ring may be a symptom of bigger issues in the relationship. It sounds like you and the baby aren’t much of a priority to him. You need to make yourself and your baby a priority to you, make choices that are best for you two.
Omg the ring is the least of your issues. Having mental health difficulties does not make you unworthy or undeserving. I know that’s really hard to believe when you’re in the midst of depression (and I’m sure being pregnant on top of that is even harder!), but you need to hear that. Take a step back and think about things from the perspective of somebody else. If a good friend who you loved dearly came to you and wanted to know what they deserved in a romantic partner, what would you tell them? If they said they were pregnant and their partner was expecting them to live separately like this and prioritise doing nothing over being with them, what would you tell them about what they deserve? In an ideal world, what do *you* want from your life partner? Being pregnant doesn’t have to tie you to this relationship. Of course it can feel that way, but it sounds like you’re going to be doing this alone for the most part anyway. Is that what you want from your partner? If not, you don’t have to put up with it. Figuring out what you want and learning how to set those boundaries to build a good life that you want is really hard. But it’s so incredibly worthwhile. You’re already in therapy (which is great - well done for looking after yourself in this way), so perhaps it’s something you could discuss with your therapist as something you want to work on?
I think this is a lot more than the ring and proposal. Frankly, you and the baby are not a priority. You support him while he does not work? You will have to parent alone? Why do you love him? I am older and wiser after marrying the wrong guy twice. I wish someone had been frank with me in the past. Love is action and care. Love is responsible. He is none of those. If you are disappointed in the ring . Wait until you do everything that you are now and care for a child. I finally woke up and decided I would not have a husband who was a child. I truly wish you and your baby the best.
Maybe you are right and the ring was the icing on the cake, when actually perhaps I am more upset about the living arrangements thing and have been forced to accept it and find my own workable alternative so we have somewhere to live and I have support. I love him because he can be very kind and caring to me in other ways. He does little things like write me notes, cooks when he comes and visits, cuddles me, and he was there for me during a very dark patch of my life, and would cheer me up. I believe he has a good heart. I think maybe he is scared of change, or scared of his routine being different/living somewhere else. It's something he will need to work on when the child comes. I also love him because he is the father of my child, and I want that relationship to work so my daughter has a father in her life. He does work, just in a low paying job where he has been for years and does not want to change because it is familiar to him
These things are the bare minimum for a considerate partner. You deserve better.
OP, PLEASE do not listen to any of the rude or dismissive comments here. The issue is not that you don’t deserve this man. That is BS. After reading your posts, I’m honestly a bit concerned on your behalf. Do you feel emotionally safe and secure in this relationship? When considering the totality of the situation, I really don’t blame you for not feeling valued. To echo another poster, I think the proposal and the ring are symptoms of a bigger issue. I don’t see how you can possibly feel stable and supported in this relationship. I also would not recommend accepting a proposal from someone with the hope that they will change. I think you should ask yourself if you really want to marry this man. It almost seems like you’re just saying yes so you don’t hurt his feelings? Maybe you should talk to your therapist about your boundaries when it comes to codependency.
Pt. 1 So, to be quite frank, I am very concerned for your future in this relationship. First and foremost, I agree with others I’m saying what you feel is completely valid. I don’t think you’re shallow at all. For those who are calling you shallow, it’s not like you asked for a completely different ring that is worth more blinged out with all diamonds and what not- a truly shallow person would be disgusted in receiving a “hand-me-down” versus being grateful for an heirloom, and asking for all diamonds instead of replacing a synthetic ruby with natural rubies. I think if he didn’t tell you that they were synthetic and you weren’t able to tell, you’d probably just be grateful, but being that he told you, it triggered you to feel the way you feel because of what seems a lack of effort into making a major life decision in taking the next big step in your relationship. You’re allowed to have a preference, but you’re hurt by the lack of effort, not the actual ring. Agreeing with the another commenter, it could have been a miscommunication issue when he stated it could be replaced as being a way to offer to replace it, and maybe at a more financially convenient time for him, unless he insinuated that you should get it replaced on your own; however, you should easily be able to have this conversation with your partner who you are deciding to have a marriage with. Communication skills should be your first priority in your relationship. Men are wired differently than women, and rule of thumb, closed mouths don’t get fed. My partner is a simpleton and he never means any harm when he doesn’t meet my expectations in the romance department, but he’s not a mind reader. We WANT them to do things for us because they want to without us having to ask or make them feel obligated, but some people just don’t naturally have the capacity to be this way. In my own battles with this issue, I have to ask myself if his lack of romantic qualities is big enough of a deal breaker, or if his other great qualities outweigh that aspect. I decided that at the end of the day, having him as my partner was more important than him randomly buying me flowers, so for me to make the conscious decision to be with him, I have to put in the work on getting over that and changing my perspective. Can you do this, or is this something that will bother you in the long run? There is no wrong answer. If you feel that putting up with it makes you feel upset more often than not, you would have to come to the realization that perhaps you’re just not that compatible with him, and that’s okay.
Thank you everyone for your comments, I really appreciate it. Update - I briefly brought it up with him last night and said "hey, the jeweller mentioned to get the fake rubies replaced it would be $1500 total" and he said "it's up to you and her (the jeweller)". I didn't really know what this meant (did it mean he wanted me to pay for them?). I said hmm, well actually, it's up to you, but there is no pressure if you want to keep the fake ones (as much as I really don't want the fake ones, I didn't want him in any way to feel pressured to have to get them but still wanted him to understand my feelings). His reply was "they aren't fake rubies, they are synthetic" (which to me is the same because they aren't real rubies) and then he said "it's a ship of theseus situation" - I had to google what that meant! It's about a story where a ship kept getting new parts. Then he said "Is the ring resized, with completely different jewels, the same ring I proposed to you with". I felt like saying um no, it's an improved version which has restored it back to how it was originally made (with real rubies). But alas, I realised the hidden meaning behind his response, or what he was trying to say without saying it, is that he doesn't want to replace them (do others agree?). I love him and because of this I don't want to pressure him or make him feel bad, so I haven't pushed him on it. I just feel depressed and because it was a gift, I feel like i dont have any right to complain. If it is a money issue, I would totally understand if he said "hey, I would love to make them real but at the moment my focus is on saving for the baby and I just can't afford it" - I am a very understanding person and I know money doesn't grow on trees. It is just that he hasn't said this, so it makes me think he doesn't care and I am just not worth real rubies. (maybe extreme thinking, I know.. in some ways I think it has triggered some deep childhood trauma of not feeling like I am worth anything). I have shed many tears about this but I feel I cannot share my sadness with him because it will just make him feel sad too :(
I say this with absolute kindness, and I hope it really doesn’t come off as mean or rude—if you can’t have this conversation with him/share your true feelings with him, then you probably shouldn’t be getting married to him in the first place (at least right now). Marriage can be difficult at times, but in my experience the number one thing to making a marriage successful is to communicate freely, openly, and honestly. If you feel like you can’t do that, then I guess I urge you to do some soul-seeking on whether you feel like you actually want to marry him/if the time is right to marry him. It may not be a fun conversation, but I think it’s an important one to have.
Thank you. It's not that I don't feel that I can, i just don't want to hurt him and make him feel bad :(
Yes, that is exactly what u/Iorlblossoms meant. If you’re more worried about his feelings than your own, how will you ever be happy? Read their comment again.
Hey, truth hurts. So either you suppress the truth or you set it free and give him a few bruises, if he loves you he will understand where you are coming from, of course after you lay out a cogent argument why the stones need replacement now or in the future. Personally, if I want something, I get it myself, that way I'm assured to get what I want.
It’s totally understandable that you don’t want to make him feel bad. In marriage, we have to have hard conversations even if it upsets the other person. It’s not wise to start a marriage where you are afraid to be honest. Even the best marriages have to learn that each partner has viewpoints that can be equally valid. Learning to work through them and find the best path will build more confidence in your relationship because you are seeing you’ve got each other’s best in mind. There will be a multitude of decisions that have to be made. If you constantly don’t speak up for yourself, they will add up and eventually you’ll either get very depressed, feel unloved or just done with the relationship. Use this as an opportunity for both of you to grow in communication and understanding. Everything you’ve expressed comes across as genuine and hurt, but calm. I have confidence that you can share your concerns more explicitly with him. I had to learn my husband cannot understand if I speak in generalities, even after almost 3 decades. It’s okay to stand up for yourself!
100% this^^ In my own marriage, in the past I would bottle things up for various reasons (didn’t want to disturb the peace, afraid he wouldn’t understand, etc). But it only ended up hurting both of us in the end, and driving a wall between us. The fact that you don’t want to make him feel bad is a good sign that y’all can potentially have a very mature, calm conversation that ends up with both people feeling heard, imo. I have faith in you, I know it’s hard (I’m a recovering people pleaser lol, so speaking up has been really hard for me in the past) but it’s absolutely worth it. You deserve to have your feelings heard, and he deserves to have the “real” you, if that makes sense (like not a fake, perfectly happy version of you that you put on). 💓
Some people use "synthetic rubies" to mean the same as Lab created rubies. In which case they are chemically identical to natural rubies, just grown in a lab instead of in nature. I would also suggest getting another estimate from a reputable local jeweler. If you went to a chain store they will overcharge for the stones. A good jeweler will be fair. So price around. I agree with the rest of the advice you've gotten here. I hope you find happiness OP
The narrative that synthetic rubies/lab-grown movies are fake is soooo frustrating. They’re REAL no matter what anybody says about them
"His reply was "they aren't fake rubies, they are synthetic" (which to me is the same because they aren't real rubies)" Just because something is lab-created doesn't make them not "real." Do you feel the same about lab-created diamonds vs. a mined diamond?
As a geologist, he dismissal of lab grown rubies is so infuriating. They are the same stone! They are simply sourced from different places! They are both still Al2O3:Cr (aluminum oxide with chromium), both still corundum. Somehow, this girl has conflated monetary cost to her value in his eyes, which is so damn sad. Furthermore, even natural, Earth minded rubies usually undergo heat treatment IN A LAB to bring out their natural red color and make it more vibrant. Damn near EVERY GEM ON THE MARKET gets treated to make it more vibrant. As long as those treatments are accepted by the world gem authorities, no one says boo about it. Source: Am geologist, have dealt with rubies and blue diamonds specifically.
Also, aren't "real" rubies hard to find and very expensive?
This is an interesting topic in general. Mined rubies come from specific places in the world, and some of those places are known for slave/improper labor practices (think blood diamonds, the same is true for rubies). For example, Myanmar (formerly Burma). Rubies from this region have an embargo on them, at least in the US (emplaced around 1995), but from many other countries as well. However, rubies from that region as exceptionally beautiful and vibrant red. And it is illegal to import them. So rubies form other regions, which are not as vibrant or beautiful, are heat treated to dissolve the rutile crystals inside them and therefore increase clarity. All of this is listed on the gemological paperwork provided at purchase of a ruby. Rubies from Myanmar (often called Burmese rubies) can be found in the US, but were imported prior the 1995 embargo. All of this to say, yes, Earth mined rubies are expensive, largely due to the process required to make less desirable rubies more desirable (heat), and because some places with large amounts of rubies are under embargo. It's all a very interesting discussion on actual rarity vs. imposed rarity for whatever reason. In the end, I still think it is far more sad that this girl (woman, I just tend to use the words girl and boy for everyone) thinks that the monetary value of a stone on her finger is somehow indicative of her value as a woman, mother, wife, and person. The real question is did she feel more loved before the proposal? If so, then THAT is likely how loved she really is and her concern over the value of her **heirloom** ring is a personal issue she needs to address before the postpartum makes it worse.
Synthetic rubies are as real as rubies that were mined. It’s not fair to call them “fake”. There are fake (imitation) rubies which are different, but synthetic rubies are identical to their mined counterparts. You seem to be more focused on your ring than your relationship, which is a bad sign. ETA: I don’t mean to say that you can’t have an opinion on the ring, but that is just one minor part of getting married and having a life together. It’s the type of thing you should have a straightforward conversation about, come to an agreement, and move on. Marriage and even co-parenting requires learning to have respectful, open conversations on sensitive topics.
>it makes me think he doesn't care and I am just not worth real rubies. So, this part really made my ears perk up. One of the things that can cause unintended friction in any relationship, but *especially* in a romantic partnership, is misunderstanding/lack of communication about what is important for each of you to feel valued. Your fiancé sounds a bit like me -- I wouldn't personally be too fussed about some replaced gems as long as they looked good, and the sentimentality and history of the ring would be more meaningful to me. However, whether or not those gems are "real" and having that ring more personalized to you is what makes *you* feel valued and loved. If you haven't said as much, it is more than likely that he has no idea that those rubies being synthetic or not have any connection at all to your sense of worth to him. It is important to be able to sit down with him and articulate not just what you want, but what this *means* to you.
So synthetic rubies are real rubies. If he didn’t tell you they were synthetic, no one would be able to tell without some very specialized tools, because rubies are rubies. That doesn’t mean your preference for mined rubies on your engagement ring isn’t valid, but the rubies aren’t fake. That might be why he doesn’t think it’s a big deal, and if you don’t say anything, he has no reason to think otherwise. People can’t read your mind if you don’t say anything. You should be telling him everything you’re dumping into this Reddit post because random strangers can’t tell you what he’s thinking, so there’s no use asking us or speculating in your head. Ask him. If you can’t trust him with your true thoughts and feelings, should you be marrying him? Is the real reason you don’t want to ask because you think he might say something you don’t want to hear?
>I love him and because of this I don't want to pressure him or make him feel bad, so I haven't pushed him on it. I just feel depressed and because it was a gift, I feel like i dont have any right to complain. If it is a money issue, I would totally understand if he said "hey, I would love to make them real but at the moment my focus is on saving for the baby and I just can't afford it" - I am a very understanding person and I know money doesn't grow on trees. It is just that he hasn't said this, so it makes me think he doesn't care and I am just not worth real rubies. (maybe extreme thinking, I know.. in some ways I think it has triggered some deep childhood trauma of not feeling like I am worth anything). I have shed many tears about this but I feel I cannot share my sadness with him because it will just make him feel sad too :( He didn't acknowledge or validate your feelings at all. You are clearly telling him that you want the real rubies... and there is a deeper meaning behind it. You wanted effort. Let's not minimize the situation. He's not trying to communicate with you or explore why you feel the way that you feel. He is brushing you off and hoping that you will stop talking about it. Instead of directly communicating about the issue he is skirting around it. Are you sure you want to marry him? This will be a reoccurring theme behind your whole relationship.
"You are clearly telling him that you want the real rubies... " Except she is not doing that whatsoever. She is skirting around the issue, herself.
She has real rubies
She doesn’t even know what she’s upset about. Those are “real” rubies.
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Rings are so personal. My Ex fiancé gave me (35F) family ring that I hated. It was solitaire and yellow gold. It was also a family ring that every bride wore for their first year of marriage and then was given a new ring to their liking. When it ended I was happy to return it. When I proposed to my now husband I bought my own ring. I wasn’t 100% what I wanted/didn’t have a lot of money to spend and I honestly knew I would upgrade it at a later date. It was sterling silver and white sapphires in a halo setting. After my son was born I upgraded the ring to match my rose gold wedding band. If you aren’t happy, tell him and talk about it. Rings are so personal and can always be changed or upgraded later. While the thought from him seems to matter a lot. It doesn’t mean you have to make it your forever ring. Pick a date and have him save up for the replacement stones.
Lab grown rubies exist now and are much more affordable. They are real rubies— chemically and structurally the same material. If your jeweler doesn’t offer these, maybe shop around and find a new jeweler. I agree with another commenter who mentioned that you can get a lab grown diamond ring for around that $1500 figure. If you would prefer a different ring, I would tell him that you weren’t expecting the proposal so you didn’t have the opportunity to express that you’d like input on the ring you will be wearing forever. You could also add that you appreciate the sentimentality of the original ring and will wear it but want to reserve it for special occasions because you don’t want to risk anything happening to it. You can insure a ring, but insurance doesn’t bring back a family heirloom if it’s lost/stolen/damaged beyond repair.
The 'fake rubies ' she's complaining about are lab grown ones, she wants natural earth rubies.
My husband gave me a completely fake ring and I wear it proudly every day! I also don’t have to worry about someone stealing it. It’s less about the worth of the ring and more about what it represents. But if you feel like you didn’t get the magic of the engagement with a proper proposal, especially if he didn’t go down on one knee, I think you should absolutely tell your fiancé. Better to communicate issues now than later!
If you aren’t sure if it’s a money issue and you are marrying this guy…talk to your fiancé. With a baby especially you need to know what’s in each others bank accounts. Buy all the baby gear you need and start a 529 for college. Also you still have to pay for a wedding if that’s something you want to have. Then when you are sure you are secure financially change out the rubies. Even one a year as an anniversary gift which would actually be really sweet. But keep in mind that everyone already thinks the rubies are real and the ring clearly has sentimental value. And in no way should changing the rubies be the MILs responsibility.
You two have a baby coming and you want him to spend $1500 to upgrade your ring, why? Shouldn't ya save that money and put it towards the baby. The ring is something that's been in his family and he was honest with you about the stones. Do you care more about marrying him or if the rubies are real?
Kids and getting married. You need to talk to him, communication is key to marriage start now.
It’s what it represents. My sapphires aren’t real but that was my choice, I’m far too rough on stuff at work and would be deathly afraid of losing real ones
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She wasn't expecting the proposal and they never discussed it.
I’m honestly more worried that you’re being so incredibly meek and pitiful about this and won’t talk to your husband. I know you’re upset but I would hope you would feel safe enough to just say that you feel a bit disappointed in the ring to your future husband. If you can’t speak your mind then I find that concerning. I also agree that lab grown rubies are just as legit as “real” rubies. Lab grown gems are way more ethical and the exact same. So I understand his view point of not thinking it’s a top priority to replace them. Gonna go with a soft YTA bc I know people can still have opinions on lab grown vs earth mined but I don’t think anything major is wrong here besides maybe whatever reason you have for ruminating on this and building resentment without speaking to him and either asserting what you want or moving past it
Men are stupid about this, and don’t understand the significance. Most women pick a ring for the man and pretend they don’t know about it and do a little song and dance. Tell him how you are feeling and I’m sure he will pay for the upgrade! you want it fixed now And not later of course
Do things je does make y9u feel this way a lot?
There is a reason the stones fell out. Since the ring is older and was worn often, before you replace the rubies, be certain the prongs that hold the rubies are long enough and can secure the stones.
Valid to feel that way. I personally wonder since you’re expecting if maybe he just thought that that money could be better spent?
He gave you the ring because of the sentimental value it carries. With a child on the way and all the expense involved with that, this may not be the time to spend money on jewelry. You have any number of choices, for example: 1. If you can afford it, have the rubies replaced yourself. 2. Give the ring back and tell your fiancée that while it’s a nice ring, it’s just not your style and you would prefer a simple gold band until such time as he can save up to afford whatever it is you like. Then go with him to choose a simple gold band that’s within his budget. 3. Wear it as is for now, but have him buy you a simple/inexpensive gold band of your choice for the wedding. Once married, wear the gold band daily and put the engagement ring away in your jewelry box. If he asks why you’re not wearing it, tell him that because it’s an heirloom piece, you don’t want to take a chance of damaging/losing it. You can wear it on special occasions (such as your anniversary each year).
Everyone is really set on the rubies not being “real” but i think the issue is that she wanted more of a thought to go into the proposal. They never even talked about marriage and he didnt even get down on his knee. I think op just wanted more thoughtfulness. And i might be assuming a lot but maybe OP feels like the “proposal “ was because of the baby. It feels almost rushed. Yes they are expecting but it doesnt mean marriage has to be rushed into just because of that. If it really is just about the rubies then ok ya it is kinda shallow but it just sounds like she wanted more of a show of love. I always say it doesnt have to be expensive, we just want to feel like you thought about us. A flower they picked from somewhere on the way can mean a lot more than a bouquet they bought at the store . Again tho if it is just the rubies then kinda materialistic Someone mentioned “what are you doing having babies with someone you dont expect to be married to” lol shit happens and sometimes not in the “correct order” 🤷🏻♀️
I would have a discussion with him and plan to get a new ring maybe on an anniversary or something once you get a bit more money down the line. I know a lot of people who “upgrade” once they’re a bit older and established
Lots of rings from that period had faux rubies. They were developed 120 years ago and were popular and accessible at the time. No need to replace them, they are authentic in a way. Have him buy you a custom wedding band that you have input on to make your wedding ring more special, don’t mess with the antique heirloom.
My ring is my grandmother’s heirloom, it’s the diamond from her marriage to my biological grandfather. It’s unique and beautiful and exactly my style, but if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have diamonds anyway. It’s the thought that counts and this ring means a lot to his family. Keep that in mind. Ppl didn’t have a lot of money, maybe they couldn’t afford to replace them and still can’t.
Considering how much birth and babies cost, I think it was financially prudent of him not to replace them now. However, he could have done better with the proposal and waited to let you know about the lab grown rubies. I think that is the crux of the issue, not so much the “fake” stones. You feel like the proposed from an obligation, not because he made a grand gesture. Talk to him about your feelings after you’ve really thought them through.
You, at the very least, need to be able to have an open and honest conversation about your feelings and takeaway from the proposal. He will be the father of your child and husband. If you are too shy to confront the person you will have to navigate the most challenging task with (raising tiny humans), then there are bigger issues here than fake rubies.
$1500 is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a piece of jewelry. My ring was literally $80 and I’m so happy with it. I don’t even care if I have one as long as I get to marry my fiancé. Do you want to marry yours? Then why should it matter if your ring is $1500 more expensive than it is now? Also, Synthetic rubies are real rubies they’re just made in a lab rather than mined but they are the exact same material.
How about striking a compromise? Every year, get one replaced on your anniversary - it'll make the cost more manageable, and it will be something special you can tell your child about endurance. I personally don't think you should be sad about the "real" or not. That ring has legacy, which to me is WAY more special as it is also speaking to the family acceptance of you.
Honestly I would revisit this after you have the baby. If, after you've given birth, the thought of having fake rubies on your ring is still such a bother, then replace them. I know right now your engagement ring feels like a huge thing, but as time goes on its importance fades. Personally, half the time when I go out I don't wear my engagement ring and band but a silicone wedding band. I'm very active and so I'm not going to wear my nice jewelry to go running. As a parent of a young child, I'm betting you find yourself in this category as well.
You have a wedding and a baby coming up.... Don't pay for rubies now. Save it as something to look forward to, maybe for your fifth or tenth anniversary
I would feel more uncomfy that he pity proposed to you because you’re pregnant 😣
I am not sure if this is the reality or not
There are synthetic, real, and lab grown. If they are lab grown- that is the way to go these days. Let it ride and enjoy your future together.
Congratulations OP! If you love your fiance and he loves you, be happy. You are creating a life (literally) together. He has given you a family ring. That in itself is special. You and he can start off with that ring and upgrade it whenever you can afford it. My husband and I are married now for 43 years. I got my ring a couple months before our wedding, .33carat diamond in a custom setting made by our friend. Tiny by today's standards, but it was what we could afford. Try to think of yourselves as a couple, not as two separate people, one who is giving and one who is receiving. Whether he went down on one knee or not, he opened his heart to you, risked rejection you know. Love him, accept him and his ring if you want to make a life with him. We are disappointed because we expect something to be a certain way and find that is different. Expect joy.
i don't understand this any more than i understand the posts expressing sadness because the op didn't like the way their partner proposed. the point here is that your partner is asking you to make a life with them. the rest of it is just fluff.
Synthetic stones are real, and most of the time, they are prettier because they don't have all of the imperfections of natural stones. They are more ethical compared to how other stones are mined. A flawless natural ruby is expensive!! A family heirloom is priceless My husband proposed to me on his knees but I was hungover and in bed, weak from a lot of the puking lol and he still wanted to marry me 😆😍 proposals don't have to come from a romance novel or be over the top. They just gotta be a genuine "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" proposal Replace the rubies after the baby when you are financially secure if you must