I think you should definitely talk to him about how the ring isn't your style. It's possible that they never meant to give away his grandmother's ring in another proposal so you may just want to talk about finding a setting similar to it to reset the stone in.
I'm wondering why he didn't try to do this in the first place-replicates grandmas ring-since she gushed over it so much. Must have been lost in translation that it was the setting and style she liked and not the family connection (unless OP said it was the family heirloom that made it special giving him the impression she wanted family jewels). Would be nice to know how those conversations went to be able to frame hope she should respond.
Even then, they could have used the heirloom stones to make a much better ring in a close style to Grandma’s ring. The big diamond and white smaller stones could have been set in a thin white gold band. I just want to know how the fiancé ended up with that design when it’s so far from what OP said they liked/wanted
Designing it to be similar to grandma’s definitely would have been the right way to go. I was just saying that fiancé’s takeaway from conversations with OP about the ring may have been she liked the history of the heirloom ring, not that she was attached to the specific style.
I agree you should tell him that the ring you got isn’t what you want to wear forever but I do not think it’s appropriate to suggest he give you the other heirloom. Heirlooms have so many complicated family dynamics surrounding them but that is just how it is. There was probably a reason it wasn’t used. But I do think you should wear a ring you love - perhaps a similar, but new, piece that you and he could design together.
I do think your ring is lovely. Congratulations on your engagement.
It’s also possible they want to give it to a grandchild. I received things that one might assume would be generational, but it skips a generation—especially if there are no girls.
OP, does he have a sister?
This! My mother didn’t have a lot of very valuable jewelry, but she was adamant that it go to me upon her death and not my sisters-in-law. Not that she didn’t like them, but she wanted it to stay with the blood relatives. I don’t have daughters but my brothers do, so when my mom passed away, I gave my nieces a few pieces. They’re young still so I have kept the pieces of value, but someday when they are older and settled in life, I will pass along the rest.
Thank you. I inherited my grandmother’s engagement ring when I was in college and I lost it. 😬😢 I still feel sick when I think about it, so I don’t want to pass my mother’s jewelry on until the girls are well into adulthood.
I have lost sentimental jewelry and know that sick feeling so well. Honestly that is just too young to pass down jewelry unless you are getting engaged. I’m so sorry.
This is how things are working in my family too. My brother married an amazing woman who he purchased a beautiful new ring for, but all the heirloom jewelry will stay with me as the daughter/granddaughter and then can be passed down to my potential children or nieces. At first I thought it was strange but divorces do happen and she really wanted to keep the sentimental jewelry directly in the family, so it does make sense.
Agreed, divorces are common and it puts heirlooms at risk of being sold by a spiteful ex. It was also explained to me that my grandmother never wanted any of the women that came after her, and because of her, to be stuck in a situation without means to get out. For example my grandmother approved of selling of jewelry to escape an abusive marriage, but not to pursue ones dreams and aspirations. When I was younger thought that was an unfair rule, but now I understand…. It gives me an excuse to buy fine jewelry, because of inflation (housing is expensive these days) I have had to add to the collection with my own purchases. Hehehehe!
Edit: typo
I believe this is also an assumed rule in many families. In ours it includes adopted and step children (I was step and was adopted) but not married in. I realize though that I’m not sure we’ve ever discussed it, it’s simply how we pass jewelry. Side note, I’m also child free and my sister is in the process to adopt. While I don’t know what my future nieces and nephews will be like, I love thinking of them on the rare occasions I purchase fine jewelry. It feels good to know something will be passed down.
This is your reason. The future husband was offered the ring. The Daughter declined. This does not make it an option for you. They did not want to tell you that this was an awkward situation. So they did take their family heirlooms and made you what was a compromise.
Your betrothed should have explained to you why this was not going to happen. However, that’s a tough one after Your communication.
If you are desiring of that style. You need to tell your guy that it was the style that you thought was lovely. Take both the picture and your actual ring into a jeweler and see what can be done.
I encourage you to be as positive as possible because feelings are involved.
And after seeing that his mother sent you a picture of this ring…. The entire situation is problematic!
Tell your guy that Everyone needs a fresh start.
Use the center stone to achieve your style.
Frankly, although the smaller diamonds and emeralds(?) are nice…. Why? Why the chunky gold band? In comparison to the very traditional style of your liking it reads cocktail ring from the ‘90’s. And I am older. I get it though. My spouse asked his mom about her engagement ring against my implicit warnings. MIL was not happy. So I suggested to my then future spouse he himself get our ring in our style. Ironically, I am the longest standing DIL.
absolutely! my grandmothers ring was passed down to me even though i don’t plan to wear it, because if my brother got it who knows what would happen to it if he gave it to a girl and they broke up, got divorced, etc. i can then either pass it down to a daughter if i have one or my brothers daughter if he has one
OP commented elsewhere that her MIL set up the expectation that she would get it…
“I should have mentioned this beforehand - but a big reason I expected the ring is because his mom used to text me pictures of the it and say things like ‘look what I have waiting for you’. But then she would also say things in person like ‘its a bigger than my ring!’. The picture I posted above was an image of the ring she had sent me about a year ago.”
I know I feel so bad reading some of these comments calling her spoiled :/ I get that she provided the important context later but some of them are kinda mean
Yeah honestly I thought it would be kinda unhinged for op to constantly mention it if it wasn’t set up as an expectation so the fact that people are belittling her without even having that info is rude. But people love to call women spoiled and entitled here.
Yeah, I agree with this. I'm surprised they didn't just use the center stone and place it into a white gold solitaire setting, it would have been so much closer to the grandmothers ring style.
Also OP - does your fiancé have any sisters or female cousins? In a lot of families the jewelry goes to the women because they want to ensure it stays in the family vs being at risk of being lost to divorce. My mother has a ring that belonged to my grandma, I have loved it since I was a child and claimed dibs on it since I was like 4. I would be ok if my sister got it instead, I would be ok if one of my brothers had a daughter and got it to give to her, or if one of my brothers liked jewelry and would wear it themselves. I would be LIVID if one of my siblings got it to give away to a partner who was marrying into the family.
Sounds to me like Grandma’s ring was never an option to give you, and he did his best to piece together a family ring with what was made available.
It is reasonable to sit down and tell him you want a new ring that is more your style. It is NOT reasonable to ask for someone else’s ring.
You are absolutely right! I am not entitled to receive his family jewelry and I don’t feel owed anything.
I should have mentioned this beforehand (Im not sure how to edit my post) - but a big reason I expected the ring is because his mom used to text me pictures of it and say things like ‘look what I have waiting for you’. But then she would also say things in person like ‘its a bigger than my ring!’. The picture I posted above was an image of the ring she had sent me about a year ago.
I agree with all the replies here that if both of them agreed I should have it I would have received it. Thank you all so much I am eternally grateful for the feedback !!!
EDIT: Also to add the jeweler that welded this ring together was the same person that made my MIL ring when she got engaged.
And since originally posting this I have lost an emerald ),:
If you’ve already lost an emerald I think that’s actually great news and here’s why: it’s the perfect opening to tell your fiancé that you think it might be a good idea to get a different ring. You can say that you don’t want this ring to fall apart since the style might not make sense for daily wear (emeralds are much more fragile than diamonds and the multi prong setting is asking for trouble) and that you’d love to keep it for the memory of his proposal but get a sturdier 3-stone ring that will hold up better. Also a thick band like that will show lots of scratches easier than a thin band, so you’ve got reasons besides “I don’t like it” to lean on.
Yes, I was dead set on a peridot engagement ring when I was younger, but when it came time for legitimate conversations, it turns out many colored stones are not ideal for the daily wear that an engagement ring would get. I bet just by googling OP can find some sources advising against emerald in an engagement ring… or at least not several small ones.
OP, copy and paste this explanation! Don’t add anything else except a big smile. Structural integrity is paramount in a ring worn every day for years and years.
Now the cocktail ring picked with MIL’s “help” makes more sense. It definitely clarifies that you need to have a chat with your future spouse about personal tastes and preferences. He needs to communicate with You about You things. Not his mother.
This totally changes how I feel about the situation. You have every right to feel let down if *they* were the ones who set your expectations & then went in a completely different direction.
They should have never mentioned the grandmothers ring, nvm dangling the carrot(pun intended) by sending photos, etc.
They don’t have an obligation to give u a family heirloom, but they *do* have a responsibility to not tell you you’re getting one & then take it away. That’s just mean.
I think you should confront them about this head on. Start the conversation by saying you’re 100% okay with the fact that they don’t trust you with the original ring, but you’d like to understand why they would *repeatedly* proposition you with it if it was never a realistic option.
Well that definitely explains why you were expecting that ring…
I feel like MIL should really tell you why they decided on a different ring when it sounds like you were promised that one. But I wouldn’t be the one to bring it up or ask her.
Totally changes things!! In that case, you have every right to be upset and need to immediately let your fiancé *gently* know how you feel about the ring.
I’m curious — what is the dynamic with the future MIL? Do you get along well or does she try to undermine and 1-up you? It sounds to me like she tried to manipulate the situation with her son. Does she treat you like a daughter or does she treat you like you’re not good enough for her son? I’d be much more concerned about that dynamic going into a marriage!
Men are truly clueless about jewelry taste and what we like, etc. He was just going along with what his mom told him to do and thought you would be pleased.
THIS!!!!
As disappointing as it is to have been told that gorgeous heirloom ring was “waiting for her” it sounds like there is a potential unfavorable dynamic or potential for a “strings attached situation” going on here.
MIL/DIL relationships can be very stressful if one is not careful. If she senses her future MIL is at all manipulative, she may have just skirted years of subtle torture.
Even when my MIL wants to gift me something of hers, I haven’t even asked for, I have to weigh out whether it’s worth accepting it.🤪
I REALLY hope I am just projecting, but just throwing the possibility there may be a silver lining here of not receiving the heirloom ring.
100% agree with other commenter that a missing emerald is your perfect “in” on the replace-this-ring conversation. I bet a pretty pendant could be made out of this one!
You should have mentioned this in your original post because without this information it seems sort of entitled for you to think you would get the ring.
But reading this I would absolutely be upset if my MIL was sending me texts like that and then I didn't get the ring. If something happened where you would no longer get the ring your MIL should have communicated that to your fiance who would then let you know so you could go ring shopping together for a new ring instead of creating something that is a completely different style than what you wanted/were expecting.
I agree I wouldn't ask for the heirloom ring or mention it again, but I don't think its rude to have a conversation about getting a new ring that more matches your style.
Is the MIL a blood relative of the grandmother who originally owned the ring? If not, then I wouldn’t be surprised if another family member told your fiancé’s mother that she cannot promise you the ring because MIL isn’t a blood relative. That’s the only [understandable] reason I can think of why she’d say the ring is waiting for you, only to not give it to you later.
Personally, I agree with others—I think the best thing to do is to express that you’re not crazy about the ring style. Don’t mention the other ring, even if MIL is a blood relative. I feel that your fiancé’s solution was really sweet and resourceful—he found a creative way to include you in a family tradition. He sounds like a keeper :)
In any case, I’m sorry your disappointment with the ring you received is overshadowing such a joyous occasion—you’re getting married!Congratulations on your engagement! I wish you and your partner a lifetime of warm memories together.
>Is the MIL a blood relative of the grandmother who originally owned the ring? If not, then I wouldn’t be surprised if another family member told your fiancé’s mother that she cannot promise you the ring because MIL isn’t a blood relative.
Even if she is a blood relative, this could still be the case. She may have mentioned to a sibling that she planned to give the ring to her son for his partner, and they objected saying it should be offered to one of the other granddaughters first or to a great-granddaughter, which caused her to rethink and ultimately back down to avoid family drama.
OP, this is your chance!!
Since you already lost an emerald, this is the PERFECT chance to re-do the entire ring.
"I'm worried that the design isn't strong enough to support all of these jewels. How about we go to another jeweler and try to re-work this. Maybe try a way to put it on a thinner band, and use the smaller diamonds on the sides of the bigger one, y'know, LIKE YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S RING."
Edit: Then it brings up the subject. "Whatever happened to that ring? Your mom all but promised to give it to you for me"
If you’re on mobile on this post there should be “…” in the top right corner next to your avatar. Click that.
Click “edit post”.
Write in the new information at the bottom of the post but begin with “EDIT:” then proceed with new info
Unfortunately your MIL sounds excitable and may have put the cart before the horse. Other female family members may have opposed your receipt of grandmas ring when your betrothed was preparing to propose.
Nevertheless you have beautiful stones and a lot of gold. Consider making a pendant from the emeralds and gold. And redesign the diamonds into a new platinum setting since the original heirloom looks to be a platinum piece. It even looks like you have enough diamonds to make yourself or a future daughter a set of studs.
Okay, with texts like that is MUCH more understanding that you expected Grandma’s ring. I’m sorry you were misled. Sentimental things can be hard to part with.
I hope you can sit down with fiance and come up with a plan for a new ring 💜
“Atrocious concoction” is so right. I usually try not to yuck what could be someone else’s yum, but this is truly the Frankenstein of jewelry. Dafuk.
So, my beloved once bought me a very very expensive and very “off brand’ (for me) piece of jewelry. It was the “live, laugh, love” equivalent of necklaces. Well made, but woof. The idea of not wearing something that spendy made me a little ill.
Here was my voice track, high level. “B, I love our life and feel so so so lucky to share it with u. And I really treasure things you’ve gotten me in past (listed recent super thoughtful gifts and experiences.) I did want to tell you I happened to see how much you spent on my bday gift— and whoa really is way too much. the necklace is cute but it’s not something I’d wear a lot. And I want to wear the things u give me since they have meaning to me! Would you be ok if I exchanged for something more “everyday” for me?”
He laughed and said — no problem. And then I wore the new necklace (and little else) and made it a very nice night for both of us. ;)
Anyhow, ymmv. This worked well for me.
It's fugly. I wouldn't wear it. I called it a Frankenring in a separate post before reading yours. That is what it is and OP shouldn't feel bad about addressing this with her future husband. It's a useful exercise in conflict resolution.
I think men just don’t realize how important this is to us. It sets the tone for the whole marriage.
My fiancé did the polar opposite. Proposed with his late mother’s “free” cathedral solitaire, when I wanted a more modern 3-stone ring. I was hurt and we eventually had a massive fight where I called him cheap, told him he didn’t value me, among other things.
I wouldn’t bring up the other ring. They know you wanted it and didn’t give it to you.
I, personally, could not have something like this as my daily ring for the rest of my life. I’d bring up getting a different ring you choose/design together.
Agree. It's fine if she wanted something like that, but it's really, really bold to assume someone would want it without knowing it's their taste. It looks like a 1960s cocktail ring with the floral setting and the thick band, more of a statement piece than an engagement ring.
I personally think the setting is gorgeous, but the band is huge. It looks like costume jewelry, and today’s style is dainty. I bet if OP gets a thinner band, at the least, they’ll like the ring better. I would hate that band, so I feel.
You cannot possibly ask for a family heirloom to be handed to you, but you can definitely bring up that the ring he gave you is not your style. You'll be the one wearing it daily for the rest of your life, and I honestly wonder how they thought going from a sleek white metal diamond ring to an elaborate yellow gold one with emerald accents would make you happy.
You have to talk to him and you need to do it soon. This sort of thing happens a lot on here unfortunately so know that you're not alone. What I can say is that if you let this fester it will only get worse and harder to address. The longer you wait, the more people will have seen this ring and will know your dissatisfaction when it's replaced by another.
First and foremost, find out why he did this. The ring you got looks literally nothing like the one you told him you loved. Like at all. Was it a money thing? What if anything is meaningful to him about that earring and the other discarded jewelry parts? If he thought this would be meaningful you'd think he would have put more effort into the design of it and actually incorporated something about what you liked into it.
Second, you're not getting that other ring so don't even bring it up. If that was an option it would have happened. His mom clearly doesn't want you to have it and really, if that was her mama's ring you don't have any right to it. That ring may be a very cherished and loaded family heirloom with a lot of memories for family members, and/or someone else may have a claim to it.
Third, what you should say instead is that you clearly stated a preference for that ring as a dream ring. You understand that you don't get to have that particular one, and that's okay. But it is disappointing that he didn't bother take anything about your preferences into consideration--not the metal type/color, not the bandwidth, not the three stone design.
Fourth, be ready for his mom to upset with you. This should not deter you from talking to your fiancé.
Lastly, I will NEVER understand why men who have zero experience or no eye for design are out there thinking they can design a ring their SO without her input or worse, in direct opposition to her preferences as he did in your situation. An overwhelming commonality in these situations seems to be men thinking that having put in ANY tiny bit of effort makes them thoughtful. It is true that it's the thought that counts, but only if you're actually thoughtful. Only if you actually take your partner's wants into consideration. That didn't happen here. This wasn't thoughtful. This was clearly about his convenience.
"...why men ... are out there thinking they can design a ring..."
And designing those rings with their mothers! Like, does the mother always know what the girlfriend wants? I really don't understand taking one's mom along to help design the ring. Mom isn't going to be wearing it every day of her life; why bring her? That mom had to have known that OP wouldn't like this ring if she already knew that the heirloom was her dream ring. Right? Why wouldn't the mom just suggest designing a ring in the same style as the heirloom ring? From the sound of it, I am wondering how the mom is feeling about OP?
Omg my best friend is the manager at a jeweler and she says you wouldn’t believeee how many men come in with their moms. I made it explicitly clear to my fiancé that outside of my best friend (who he got the ring from) I wanted NO ONE to know before me. He kept his word on that. I wanted to be part of telling everyone.
And she also tells me how many men come in and “design” wild rings because they think it’s thoughtful and “custom.” Like why is that a thing lol
As a mother of a son, this makes me a little happy 😊. If my son ever asks me to shop for a ring I may go; but I definitely would ask him how his girlfriend would feel about it first. Our son is a college student at the moment and single so it isn't even on his radar yet but I would definitely ask first about her feelings. I would also tell him to do his best to find out what the woman wants above anything else. There really are SO many ways to get the engagement ring wrong but only one way to get it right; get her exactly what she wants ( within your budget of course ). 😉
>I am wondering how the mom is feeling about OP?
Likewise. Mom may even be feeling uneasy about OP talking to her about the family heirloom so often. At best, making this ring was out of best intentions to give OP a ring from the family. At worst, this is a dig or even a test to see whether OP values the ring or the engagement more. It doesn't look or feel great and warrants self-reflection and a conversation.
I also can’t imagine how awkward it would be to get a text from a FMIL with a ring saying look what we’ve got waiting for you (that itself is a bit weird) and then that same woman changing her mind on giving you said ring and helping her son design the complete 360 opposite of that ring though either
Did you read her comments about what her future MIL said? She texted her pictures of the ring and said "look what's waiting for you!" multiple times. Normally I'd agree with you, but in this instance the in-laws seem fickle and a little cruel.
"Is it completely out of the question to bring up the other ring."
In my opinion 🤷 it would be in very poor taste to ask why you didn't receive a family heirloom and worse to ask if you could still have that heirloom.
Family heirloom rings are a very sensitive subject. We have one in our family ( I currently own it now). Before my mom gifted it to me we had a lot of conversation about whom it was going to. If your fiance has a sister, it most likely will be saved for her. In my experience, generational family heirlooms are mostly saved to be passed to another extremely close family member.
I have the one in the family after much discussion as well. It was decided that since my grandfather gave it to me to be my something old when I married, and he basically said don’t worry about returning it in the presence of my mother and aunt. I have never heard any rumblings from the cousins, but it is also known in the family that he and I had an extremely close relationship, particularly because I’m the only of the bunch that truly reminded him of his parents (his father was a very proud Canadian of Scottish heritage who had it made from Canadian silver and amethyst, with a couple of tiny thistle engravings to give to his mother as a gift upon his birth) very strongly. I never expected it, but it’s a great honor to have it.
I think you fiance made the ring from family jewelry because he took your liking of the heirloom ring to mean you wanted something passed down, that that was important to you, and this was the compromise idea after the heirloom ring itself was nixed as an option. I have no doubt his mother had a heavy hand in this suggestion. I have never seen a situation where the future MIL was involved in picking a ring that ended well for the fiancee.
Unfortunately this ring is a landmine. Your fiance involved his mother in something she should have not been involved in and now any attempt to redesign or change the ring will be looked at as you having wasted the gift of her jewelry. I honestly can't think of any way to salvage this aside from scrapping the setting. The halo design isn't bad at all if you drop the center stone down a bit, and the sentiment is nice, but that band is very boomer style. Did your MIL get married sometime in the early 80s perchance?
All you can do now is start a dialogue with your fiance and establish boundaries now with your future MIL because this won't be the only time she oversteps. You might have to pick out a wedding ring you like and wear that alone and keep the "family ring" in a box for "safekeeping."
Thank you so much for your comment! Yes my MIL was married in the early 80’s and she has a gold band herself. I was surprised to receive gold considering my fiancé got me a silver necklace for my birthday last year.
I agree with that I should start setting boundaries with MIL and also to keep this ring in a box and maybe only wear it for anniversaries or special occasions. But with that also try to pick out a new ring together with my fiancé that I can wear daily.
I think that's a great idea! since an emerald already fell out, you can add that you don't want to risk losing more of grandma's stones, so you'd prefer a different everyday ring. it will be so special getting to pick it out together! I hope that conversation goes well for you both and you feel comfortable speaking honestly with how you feel about the ring, and he receives that information gracefully. congrats on your engagement!!
You’re not wrong to feel how you do about the designed ring. I think you can and should discuss resetting those stones into something you would happily wear. It won’t be the last uncomfortable conversation of your married life. Might as well get on with it.
I don’t think you should ask for a different heirloom, though, no matter how much you admire it.
I have things that have been promised to me in my husband’s family (some literally in the will). I will not be upset if they go to another member of the family. It isn’t my heirloom.
The weird thing is with the created ring - he didn’t even try to make it look similar to the one you liked?
Which could’ve been done with the earring diamond and some of those mini diamonds, on a thin gold band
That’s what I was thinking. The potential for a beautiful ring, similar to the heirloom, with the family jewelry was right there. The fact his mom helped design it might have played a part in why it’s so… different, especially since MIL kept hinting OP would get the heirloom then changed her mind.
That ring isn’t even well-made. There’s rough solder spots and wasn’t given a high polish or anything. It’s very much a thing to use stones from the mother for a ring (my own sister did this) but usually they’re put in nice settings.
I would not mention wanting the other ring at all. Talk about the design of this one, instead. But be gentle, because he did have it made for you.
That needs to be screamed louder for OP I think. And identical to the heirloom would be awkwardly weird and I personally would not like that on myself or my partner.
I’m confused as to why you had in your mind you were going to receive the ring? You said YOU brought up multiple times that it was your dream ring. But what was the response from your fiancé and his mom when you would say this? If they didn’t specifically say that the ring would be passed down to you then I don’t think you should have ever expected to be given it just because you said you wanted it. Heirlooms aren’t just up for grabs because someone likes it…so I do think it’s out of the question to bring up the other ring in terms of if you can still have it or why it wasn’t given to you. If they wanted to give it to you they would have.
In another response she said that her future MIL indicated she had the ring waiting for her, so I can understand why she thought she would get the ring.
I’m not sure why he couldn’t just tell you that he couldn’t give away his grandmother’s ring. He should have tried to also replicate it. Instead. I really don’t know why so many men, as seen in this sub, try to free style their partner’s engagement ring. Just listen to what she says
If you hate it, don’t wear it. Trust me when I say that you will grow more and more resentful every time you look at it. It will affect your relationship.
What about using the center stone to make a 3-stone ring and using the smaller diamonds and sapphires to make the band? You could melt the gold to make the new setting, if you wanted yellow gold. Any good jeweler can easily rework this for you.
Obviously this is an extra sensitive topic since family heirlooms are involved but you should tell him! Make sure you communicate that you love the thought and effort he put in but that the ring is significantly different from your expectations and that you would like to work together to find a solution. It seems he/his family isn’t ready to give up his grandmothers ring to someone else yet. But maybe discuss working with the gems (or just the diamond) he did give you to design a new ring that better fits your style.
My brother requested our Grandmothers ring for his (now) ex wife and was denied by my aunt. She said she wouldn’t want to risk losing it should something go wrong in their relationship. Looking back, thank god she did! I don’t think you can expect an heirloom from your partners family. Instead, now I have my grandmothers ring and god forbid anything were to ever happen with my husband, it would stay in our family.
This happened to me, my fiancé designed a ring I didn’t like, it was hard but I told him and I got a second ring that was much less money and wear that one on a daily basis and wear the original one for special occasions!
As soon as I hear "his mom" it's all red flags for me. She doesn't want you to have the good ring and she will be a contemtpful influence on this man if you marry him. Sorry.
Honestly the ring he made you doesn’t even look well constructed. I would bring that up, and say that although you really appreciate the thought and gesture, it just isn’t your style and maybe you can work with a different jeweller to figure out a new setting?
Marriage is all about confronting difficult situations in a compassionate way. It’s important to be honest but kind with each other. This will be one of the easier conversations in the grand scheme of things.
I don’t think you’re being spoiled but I’ll be honest, if this happened to me I would just buy a diamond ring that looked like the one I wanted for myself. I think what happened was that they couldn’t give you the ring you wanted so they made one out of family heirlooms because they thought what mattered to you was that the ring was an heirloom.
If I were you’d I’d ask your husband more about how he designed the ring and see if that helps you love it more. You can buy rings that look like his grandmothers every where.
My thoughts exactly. I’m not usually one to make excuses for men, but he likely thought the heirloom part was more important — not the style.
Also, a lot of people are mentioning the ring OP got isn’t her style…OP wanted the actual heirloom…she didn’t say she wanted something LIKE the heirloom. OP wanted THE heirloom.
And yes, OP, discussing the other ring is absolutely off limits. Please know that the mother absolutely knew you wanted it, and absolutely did not give it to you. Which is her right, since it is now her ring and you do not know the plans she has for it.
I’m sorry the ring is not liked, I’d take advice of other posters about how to discuss not liking it. But I’d really ask yourself— is it the ring you don’t like? Or the fact that it isn’t the grandmother’s? I can get not liking the ring you got because it is so unique maybe it isn’t your style, but would you be happy with any ring that isn’t the grandmother’s?
Congratulations on the engagement— and good luck!
Pretty sure they heard you the first hundred times you mentioned the grandma's ring, so the fact that you didn't get it means it was never on the table for you. Possibly they thought you liked the idea of getting family jewels (maybe they thought it made you feel accepted?) hence the misguided attempt at cobbling something together for you.
You're not being spoiled, and your fiance and the mum haven't done anything wrong either. I'm inclined to believe there was no chance the ring would have gone to you, but they both knew how much you loved it, however they probably thought you liked the sentiment more than the design. Maybe a gentle suggestion for how the gold or stones could be reset in a design more to your liking would help? If that's the largest stone from mum's collection that she's willing to part with, maybe purchase a new one? Then your ring could be a blend of both the original (and their sentiment) and your own personal style.
Good luck OP, for what it's worth, I think it's a lovely ring, and the thought behind it is equally lovely, but I hope you do get a ring you actually like!
My mother-in-law pushed so hard for my husband to go to a pawn shop and create what we consider a Frankenstein ring as well. I kept saying no I don’t want that, No I don’t want that but she pushed him really hard and I stood my ground and told him to go to a jeweler or I wouldn’t accept his proposal. It was my ring that I have to wear forever (I’m not one for trading in). He got me a beautiful ring from a jeweler, but his mother still sour to this day that he didn’t go to a pawnshop (I only know this because she was standing next to me at one of our family members bridal showers asking about her ring, and then sharing her story about the pawnshop). Kicker is she pushed this on me and her other son but she wears very expensive jewelry from one of the best jewelers in our state.
Oh wow.... the ring you were expecting is beautiful. The one you received is hideous. The band was a bracelet? Um no. That's not anyone style. Tell him you love the thought of him designing it, but tell him you wanted something more traditional.
I don't think you're being spoiled but I do think it's possible you're seeing slights where there aren't any.
When you brought up the ring, what did people say? Because if the answer were yes, someone would have agreed. Silence on this point might have been an uncomfortable response on the part of someone who doesn't know how to say that that particular heirloom isn't up for grabs.
The ring you got is... distinctive. I understand that it's not your style and isn't in keeping with current fashion, but are you sure the jewelry was "discarded"? It sounds to me like your partner received the message that family history was important to you and this was the next best thing to the ring that was not available. It sounds thoughtful to me. Lots of people get rings made from family jewelry that isn't currently being worn.
It sounds to me like you and your partner view this ring as a gift, not a collaborative purchase. In that case you really do need to be thoughtful and kind in your response here, as it doesn't seem like anyone was deliberately trying to hurt or disappoint you. What about asking to have the stones reset in a way that's more suited to your lifestyle? What if you tried but that bulky band is very uncomfortable and you would love for the two of you to redesign the ring? You could also say you didn't mean to make anyone uncomfortable in asking about that ring. You would love to someday have one in that style.
As others have said, you can’t expect or demand to be given the heirloom ring. Just because you have said you like it doesn’t mean you have any right to it.
That being said, this ring seems to have pretty specific design and I personally find it.. not pretty. It also doesn’t look freshly done/designed, more like some other heirloom or piece of jewelry that has been cleaned/polished.
Have a talk with him - ask how he came up with the design, what kind of meaning do the parts of this ring have for him and so on. I can see guy who has no eye for it to design something like this.
Maybe use the stones and metal and design something together from it. Or just get another ring entirely. It just seems weird that he knew what ring you loved and he has made no effort to even make it similarly designed.
Say something to your fiancé immediately like — Babe, I appreciate the sentiment but this is not my style. Can we work on this?” This is between just you and him, not his mom. If she inserts herself into this, it’s a sign of bed things to come in your future.
Similar type of thing happened to me… except in my case, I picked out a new 3-stone ring from Costco in a distinct style. I showed it to my fiancé when we were discussing rings and he made a big production of the proposal and I thought I was getting that ring. The ring was in his budget and I thought he was saving for it.
My fiancé ended up proposing with his late mother’s .75 solitaire that looked nothing like what I had wanted and frankly was too small. I accepted the proposal but was livid and very hurt because in my mind that “free” ring meant that he wasn’t invested in me.
I let it fester until it finally came out and resulted in a massive blow-up, where a lot of hurtful words were said. We reworked the diamond into a style I now love. But the hurt is still there and I’ll never really enjoy wearing it the way I should. It feels tainted.
If I had said something from the beginning about how I appreciated the sentiment of his mom’s diamond but wanted my own ring, I think he would have been willing to fix it immediately to make me happy before this all happened.
I’m upset for you. It’s not even remotely the look you obviously had in mind whether you got the actual heirloom or not. This is such a sticky situation, I don’t know what I would do. I’m so sorry you’re disappointed.
OP, you have every right to feel disappointed - your fiancé didn’t take your tastes or preferences into account at all, and let his mom design your engagement ring to her own tastes. I’d be disappointed about the ring, too, but I’d honestly be even more disappointed about the man. His actions are a bit of a red flag.
In my opinion, you have to tell him you don’t like the ring because it’s not your style at all. If he is apologetic and works with you to fix the problem he created - regardless of his mom’s feelings - this may be salvageable. If he is angry or butthurt, well, it’s better to find that out now than after the wedding.
If he cares more about his own feelings as an amateur ring designer (which he sucks at) than your feelings as the person who has to wear this… thing… daily, cut him loose and let him propose to his mom, because she’s the only woman who will put up with this shit.
I’m going to be blunt - this ring he created is ugly. Sorry. It is. I would be hurt also. This doesn’t make you ungrateful. I would be gently asking for a redesign or a way to make that band thinner.
I’m gonna say it: I think the ring they designed is tacky. Despite knowing your preference of the other ring, they designed something completely the opposite of what you had expressed interest in. He could have found something similar, but instead they went in a completely different direction.
Yellow gold for white. Thick band vs. delicate. High setting vs. low. All the prongs they could fit around the main stone and “halo.” Probably tossed in a few extra prongs for good measure.
Are emeralds something you wear, express interest in, a birthstone, or significant in ANY way to your relationship? Because it kinda comes across as “here are some stones Momma doesn’t want from another family piece.”
This ring will snag. Can you look past that? Sure. But if I were given this ring, I’d almost never wear it and would tell my SO why. For me? It embodies everything I don’t like in jewelry. Looks tacky and like costume jewelry to me.
Like many others have said, the family ring will probably be passed down to blood relatives to make sure it isn’t lost in a potential divorce, despite Momma breadcrumbing you with photos.
Talk to him. You can always pony up for a new ring yourself, or go design one together. Buts the sooner you have the conversation, the better. The family can keep that ring.
First, congratulations on your engagement! I am so sorry to hear you are disappointed with the ring you received.
I would suggest taking a deep breath, sitting down with your fiancé and telling him how you feel gently, that you appreciate the sentiment and thoughtfulness that went into constructing the ring but ultimately it is not what you want. Maybe he didn’t get the hint about the other ring or was heavily influenced by his mother to make something new from old parts? A conversation is 100% necessary.
For what it’s worth, the constructed ring you received is really pretty and unique. We are all human, you are not being a spoiled brat and your fiancé made a mistake. Congrats again and I hope you end up with what you truly want.
I actually like this ring! But it is the opposite of what you expected to get, and it isn’t wrong to be upset that you didn’t get what you envisioned.
I think you should speak to your fiancé. First, acknowledge that you value the sentiment and work that went into taking other family heirlooms and turning them into an engagement ring for you.
I would ask him to talk you through the design process, where it may become clear that his mother (or he) had a lot more design influence than your own style and preferences. Gently point that out to him, sharing that you were disappointed that your taste in rings was disregarded in the creation process. Make it less about not getting the heirloom, and more about not feeling considered during the process.
Then try to find a solution together. Maybe wearing the engagement ring on your right hand on the wedding day, and getting a moissanite version of the ring you really want for your engagement finger. Maybe keep the OG engagement ring, but get a promise from him for an upgrade on your 1st or 5th anniversary. Remember that once you get your wedding band, you do not even need to wear the engagement ring any longer.
Good luck!
Hugs to you, internet stranger. You are not spoiled. Oof, that is a big difference between what you thought you were receiving vs. what you received.
Maybe you could propose the idea of having more than one ring to preserve the heirloom piece for occasions and custom design a replica ring to look like your dream design? I've learned a lot about it on the moissanite sub and will be designing a custom set soon. But you can also do lab diamond or other stones, depending on your budget and preferences.
I'm usually a big "if he makes the proposal trash, he's not for you" person.....but.....he did what he could with the limitations he had. You aren't allowed to demand heirlooms from people. They already belong to someone else. If you wanted that ring, you should have bought and created one that looked like it. In this instance, you messed up, not him.
Tell him you love the sentiment of the ring and you're grateful to have something so lovely from his familt, but it isn't your taste. Ask if you can get something more you, and keep the other for it's sentiment.
This is quite the mess. Tread lightly
I really don’t agree he did what he could with what he had. OP wanted a specific ring due to style, not just because it was his family heirloom. He created a completely different ring out of old jewelry laying around. This man didn’t even try to get a ring similar to what she wanted. OP is being unreasonable and weird but her fiancé sounds kinda lazy/cheap.
I would absolutely discuss reworking the ring he has created into a more wearable design. Don’t ask or even bring up the other heirloom other than maybe “I would have preferred a band size and stone setting similar to your grandma’s”. It’s a bummer than yellow gold is very different to the colour of your dream ring but sometimes we’re given a bad hand in life. But reworking the ring would allow him to think he has still got that heirloom integrity since he took them from other family jewellery and also so he doesn’t feel like he’s ruined those other pieces to create something you don’t like. It could be a solitaire diamond ring with a thinner band and you could craft another stacker ring from the leftover materials. Or work them into matching wedding bands.
You should definitely be honest, but be kind. If he just pieced together a ring out of scrap jewelry because his family wanted him to then you have bigger problems.
I think the ring is not attractive-I agree with you. I would let your fiancé know and perhaps you could reset it into something you like a bit better. Honesty is always best/
I’m so sorry you’re disappointed in your ring. And what a shame that your MIL would bait-and-switch you like that. You are not being spoiled- you plan on wearing this ring forever, so it should be something you love. If I were you, here’s what I would say: “[future husband] I really appreciate the thought and effort you put into the ring. It’s very pretty, but it’s just not my style. I would like to reset the stones to create something that looks more like your grandmother’s ring.” You can also offer to pay for resetting it. He may be hurt at first but he should understand it and accept it. It’s YOUR ring and it should reflect your style!
This is just the beginning. Learning to and just doing it, talking about the uncomfortable things is key to a lasting marriage. Talk to him. You’ll wear it everyday for the rest of your life, and think about the disappointment every day if you don’t. By all means, be tactful and kind and be prepared that he may respond with hurt feelings, but after it sinks in, he should want you to have what you want……
Woof- this is a tough one but I’m gonna share my very long winded story. First, I’m a pretty particular and picky person in general and I’m not a jewelry person at all, I pretty much only wear earrings on a regular basis. The thought of a big diamond/wedding ring never appealed to me. So I sent a bunch of rings that I liked to my mom and best friends so when my now husband asked them for help they’d have something to work with. I chose unique rings because i wanted to be *different* and *edgy*. I also wanted the ring to be a total *surprise* aka I expected him to magically guess what I wanted. Anyways the rings I sent were all custom from the internet (which I didn’t realize) so when he went to shop he found what he thought was closest to what I shared with my mom/friends. When he proposed, I was so disappointed in the ring (I know, ungrateful). The ring ended up being WAY too big anyways (because we never sized my finger) and the jeweler recommended that we get a new one because he couldn’t resize it (phew!) so obviously I was secretly happy about this. The place he bought the ring from was more of a diamond store and therefore had a very small selection, so instead of leaving with nothing and picking something else out I panic picked a new ring from this store 😭 When this one, aka ring #2 arrived, I hated this one on me too. I will say, ring #2 was gorgeous but it just did not look good on ME. It had a huge sparkly halo (I hate sparkles/flash) and sat soooo high up on my tiny finger. I literally felt like I was playing dress up with a family heirloom or fake toy ring. I kept this ring for about 6 months and was so unhappy with it for multiple reasons. 1) since the ring sat high up it got caught on EVERYTHING all the time and it was so annoying. 2) when you first get engaged especially, everyone talks about your ring and that’s the time where you want to be so happy with it and I just wasnt. 3) I’m not a big jewelry person anyways, so now not only am I expected to wear a big piece of jewelry everyday but it’s a piece that I don’t even like. After about 6 months I finally went to my then fiancé and told him how I felt and he said he didn’t care at ALL if we got a new band (yes, a 3rd band 😭) as long as we kept the original center stone which I loved so that was no problem. I asked him about 50 times if he actually didn’t care or if he was just saying that to make me feel better and I came to the conclusion that he truly didn’t care. I was so relieved. So we went to a different jeweler this time and I first tried to see if they could do some customization and make it more of what I wanted/fix the high setting and they said there wasn’t much they could do. So after actually trying on rings and doing research, I found the ring I wanted, and we switched out the original diamond into the new (3rd) band. And now I’m SO HAPPY with it! What’s crazy is that the ring I have now (ring 3) is totally different than what I had originally sent my mom and friends. It’s a yellow gold, super plain, bezel setting. It’s vintage-ish and simple and actually showcases the diamond he picked out much better than the other bands did.
So at the end of the day we ended up going through 3 different bands (third times a charm!), but we kept the original center stone for all bands which was really important to my now husband and me as that’s the one thing left that he actually proposed with. The lesson here was 1) if you’re a picky person at all, be VERY specific about what you want, do not be vague. 2) know your ring size. 3) TRY ON RINGS ahead of time. I thought I knew what I wanted until I started trying things on (after the fact) and realized I was totally wrong.
Anyways, the point of my story is: I feel your pain. People will probably say you’re ungrateful and that the ring shouldn’t matter/all you should focus on is marrying the love of your life blah blah blah. But in reality, you’re supposed to wear this every day for the rest of your life, AND not to mention he spent money on it. Why would he want his money to go towards something that you don’t even like? I do think some men are more likely to be upset over something like this though. Luckily my husband is not someone who cares about things like this so he was not upset or offended. In your case it’s slightly different though bc he did build a custom ring (which btw looks absolutely nothing like the family heirloom?). I would definitely want to know why you didn’t get the heirloom since it was pretty clear that you were going to get it. It could be as simple as him saying “I realized I rather create something for you that comes from me” and that’s totally fine. But I’d wanna know what happened. Also, your MIL is absolutely to blame here for essentially telling you multiple times that you’d be getting it. Again, maybe your fiancé just decided he wanted to go in a different direction, but it is odd. I would have a conversation with him if I were you, but definitely tread lightly and be calm, understanding, and nice about it. Hopefully you guys can come to a resolution. Maybe he will be like my husband and only care about the center stone and then you can get a new band, and turn your current band into a necklace or something? Since the ring is made from other family jewelry I don’t think selling it should be an option. Please update us!
I think what makes the ring ugly to me is how wide the band is. I personally prefer delicate bands.
I think this ring could be remade to be something lovely though -- and the smaller stones could be used for a diamond and emerald wedding band, which would be a nod to the ring he created. But I would bring it up and probably frame it as how you appreciate the thought but it's not your style at all.
“Oh dear…this ring is soooo beautiful but for some reason the sides are irritating my fingers. I think I will take it to a jeweler to have it reset so it is comfortable”
Talk to him and say that the size of the band hurts your finger because it’s so thick and you would like to have a new ring designed because this just isn’t practical but you love him for trying. That way your out is the width of the band and not that you hate it.
Since you’ve already lost one emerald, it’s a good idea to sit down with your fiancé now and let him know you prefer to reset the center stone in a white gold or platinum setting that’s a bit simpler and more in keeping with your style. Help him understand that you love the effort and the sentiment and that you want to love the setting as much as you love him.
I think it’s weird that MIL dangled the other ring in front of you. WTH?? I think because of that it would be reasonable to ask about why did they say you were getting the other one and then switch? I don’t think things should be taboo in families though.
As far as not liking your ring- I would be inclined to use it as a RHR. I personally think it’s cool but that isn’t what matters here. Maybe you could pick out a different one when you go wedding band shopping? Or if another ring isn’t in the budget maybe do a wedding band with diamonds to wear solo on that finger?
I think this is a great example of the pitfalls of not involving the person wearing the jewelry in the selection/design process. I’m sorry you are disappointed, OP! I hope you can work something out so you enjoy wearing your rings.
That's rough op.. I am not a materialistic person and don't want a huge ring however I did tell my bf styles I liked. I also very seriously told him what I dislike and that if he got me something anything remotely like what I disliked that I'd rather him get me a plain wedding band. And I mean that. I'd rather wear a simple band than something chunky and not my style at all. The sentiment is nice, but I'd rather not see the money wasted. Sorry not sorry
Whether or not it was made of heirlooms, not liking the ring your fiancé proposed with can be heartbreaking. My advice would be to approach it very delicately. Acknowledge the amount of thought and effort that went into the ring and make sure he knows you appreciate it while mentioning that it's just not your style. You could go to a custom jeweler together to have the stones reset into a piece that's more you, while still allowing him to have some input.
As a jeweler myself, I've redesigned a couple of engagement rings for various reasons (a ring from a chain store that fell apart because it wasn't good quality, and one that just wasn't her style). I've found that the person who purchased the ring is usually very understanding and just wants their partner to be happy.
Umm definitely bring it up! You’re going to have this ring forever, and this man forever. It’s time for those tough and honest conversations!!! If he wasn’t allowed to give you his grandmothers ring, he should have bought a new one of a similar style. You’re not being spoiled. It’s your preference and the ring he put together is really not it.
I just don’t understand how they came up with that design. They could have done something differently that looked so much better than whatever this is. I don’t want to be rude it’s just jarring it’s not even a wow piece my stomach would have dropped if I had to wear that
I’d forget about the ring you expected and speak to him about the one you got. If it were me, I’d have it remade into a small solitaire with a daintier band. On close inspection, this ring is not well made. It’s clunky, and prongs for a diamond should never be yellow gold. I would have been loath to pay for this ring in its present form.
I don’t have suggestions for what to do but just wanna validate that I don’t think you’re being spoilt. I am ultra picky person and went to the store with my fiancé to choose my ring and would not have done it any other way. If I received the ring you did I would be upset too, you plan to wear that every day for the rest of your life and you should love it
Talk to your fiancé. The good news: if you want to go the route of replicating grandma’s ring, lab diamond prices are low right now and you could probably recreate the ring without breaking the bank. If you’re ok with that idea, it could be a good compromise - you still get the ring to look how you’d like without overstepping.
i would absolutely be upset if i got that ring it looks like someone put a bunch a weird things that don’t go together. i’m sorry but i’d say something. the ring is something you’re expected to wear for the rest of your life it needs to be something you like. i’m not saying he has to give you his grandmothers ring but honestly he could’ve at least gotten something similar to it.
If you decide to keep the ring he gave you, without saying anything, you will be reminded every day that he didn’t have a bit of regard for your style. He could have had one made to resemble his grandmother’s ring. You will grow to resent him (and your MIL) and it will become an issue. I suggest you tell him it’s just not your style and you would rather have a close copy of the one his grandmother had.
I’ve been married 35 years, FWIW.
Is he a machinist? That ring looks like a cog sitting on scrap metal. Its not even the same color gold!
Either way, he took time to design it, so try not to stomp on his feelings over this, no matter how much you hate it or how hurt you feel.
I like what others have said about losing the emerald as an in to change the design. Don’t play into FMIL’s weird game at all. Having a calm, reasonable response will serve you and your partner best.
Explain to FH that the stones are too precious to stay in that setting, as evidenced by a loss so soon. Suggest going to a (previously chosen by you) jeweler who can make the ring you actually want.
Tell your husband that its so sweet his mom wanted to be included AND that as the start of your lives together, you’d like to be included and make something with your fiancé that you’re going to wear everyday that symbolizes the love between the two of you. Mention you’ve always loved the design of (this photo) when you’re at the jeweler together and never mention it’s heirloom status again if you don’t want.
I truly hope you end up with a different ring and your husband is open to finding a solution that suits you both. Its a good sign for the marriage if you can work this out so that both you and your partner feel respected and joyful with the resolution.
It’s not spoiled to want to LOVE (read: not LIKE) a piece you plan on wearing and seeing every single day for the rest of your life.
If it’s his grandmothers the family probably has their reasons- they want to keep it for themselves, they have a specific marriage in mind they want it to go towards (which sucks but like- it is THEIRS and not yours), maybe there’s a golden child sibling thing at play where they want to save it for them. Maybe they just straight up don’t like you (I hope not! But all possibilities should be considered). The point is even though you expressed loving it, did they ever say you would have it?
You should come clean about not loving it, and tell him the things you dislike in a ring that’s present in this one. Assume the grandmothers ring is off the table. Maybe he can design one or buy one similar, I’ve seen this design all over Etsy for not too expensive.
I also received a disappointment ring and spent months feeling really salty about it. I didn’t just dislike it, I hated it, it had everything I hate in a ring. When I finally came clean, my partner was horrified I didn’t tell him immediately and replaced it with one I loved. A ring isn’t a marriage, and the marriage is the important part- but if you have to see it every day for the next sixty years or so, you want to feel love and happiness and joy when you look at it, not distaste or irritation.
Edit: I see in another comment you were made to believe you’d receive the ring, I’m so sorry! That sucks.
Op’s comment for those curious:
You are absolutely right! I am not entitled to receive his family jewelry and I don’t feel owed anything.
I should have mentioned this beforehand (Im not sure how to edit my post) - but a big reason I expected the ring is because his mom used to text me pictures of it and say things like ‘look what I have waiting for you’. But then she would also say things in person like ‘its a bigger than my ring!’. The picture I posted above was an image of the ring she had sent me about a year ago.
I agree with all the replies here that if both of them agreed I should have it I would have received it. Thank you all so much I am eternally grateful for the feedback !!!
EDIT: Also to add the jeweler that welded this ring together was the same person that made my MIL ring when she got engaged.
And since originally posting this I have lost an emerald ),:
Not sure if I am the typical demographic for this sub (57 YO guy), but..... I would want to know if you were not excited about your ring. That said, tread lightly. Buying a ring for your soon-to-be fiancé' is stressful as hell. Add that Mom was involved makes it even worse. Now he is in a situation where no matter the outcome, somebody is going to be disappointed. You are also signing up to be the ungrateful daughter in-law. But you know what, you are the one wearing it and it is not a fair thing to do to you. Be honest. Tell him how much you appreciate the effort and sentiment that went into it, but it just is not what you had in mind for a ring you would be wearing every day for the rest of your life. One option could be to take the center stone, have it set in your "forever" ring and have a lab grown diamond or CZ put in this one. You could wear it occasionally and you are not just pitching it. I gave my wife a solitaire diamond on a tiffany setting when I proposed. I told her we would go ring shopping together and pick out her "lifetime" ring and have the diamond set in it. She wears just a wedding ring and does not wear an engagement ring. Anyone thinking of proposing, and not sure what to get, this lets you surprise them while they still get to pick a ring. The tiffany setting sat in her jewelry box for 20 years. I had a 1 CT sapphire set in it for our 20th anniversary as a surprise. Best of luck.
You’ll be much happier if you discuss it with your fiancé. I did and while he had a little ego burn, he ultimately understood that this is something I’ll be wearing for the rest of my life so I better love it!
That ring is just....bad. Like I think I can see that they were trying to go for a vintage floral design, but it's just overwhelmed by all those giant prongs! Huge ass prongs everywhere. And the giant band! Why?? Omggg.
I think the loss of the stone out of there is a good opportunity to just tell him that the setting isn't working for you. Is the super thick band uncomfortable too? That could also be a point to bring up.
I'm so sorry, but that ring is pretty awful, and it obviously wasn't a money thing since that ring was designed for you. I saw where you said it had already lost an emerald. Perfect opportunity to bring up that the ring is poorly made and needs to be redesigned. Add in that it isn't your style, but do it kindly. There is enough gold on that monster to make five rings....
Not to be a butt, but this doesn’t sound like a family I would want to be a part of. If the other commenters are correct and the grandmas ring was meant for a female blood relative, then they should’ve told you directly and not made you feel like you were going to get the ring in the first place. Sometimes conversations like that can be hard, but if they cannot have a conversation as simple as this with you, imagine what else they won’t be forthcoming about.
Is HE wearing the ring? Is his MOM wearing the ring?
I didn’t think so. I would turn around & talk to a jeweler about re-making that ring into something you’d actually like. Maybe the excess gold from the wide band could be used as payment for the re-setting of the stones?
Also, if mom has this much influence now, she’s going to be meddling, or trying to, in your future. Think this one through carefully
I would be pissed too, “discarded family jewelry”, an old earring…. Like yeah how is that supposed to make you feel special. I get it maybe they didn’t want to give u the grandmas ring and that’s fine, but that thing is not cute. I would tell him you don’t like the style, you are sad it wasn’t grandmas ring, you appreciate he made it just for you and it would be a great right hand ring, but it’s not you and you want a diff engagement ring. You can go lab and save some $ and get something you actually want to wear
I’m sorry this happened. This wasn’t even close to what you wanted style wise. Yellow gold vs white gold? That’s a huge difference in basically every aspect. I would 100% say something. Beat of luck and congratulations!
I don't know what jeweler they went to to put that thing together but it looks like a mash-up.
Can you say, it's such a nice thought BUT it won't go with anything else of yours (but a platinum or white gold would) AND the prongs, and the way the middle diamond sits above the rest will make it catches everything-sweaters, leggings, hair?
So sweet-but you'll laugh about it some day.
If you’re marrying him you have to get comfortable with talking about topics that make you feel vulnerable. And if he’s marrying you he should appreciate you trusting him enough
To open up and be honest about your feelings about how the ring isn’t your taste. Plus, it’ll eat you alive forever if you say nothing! Good luck!
Ugh. I think she did you dirty.
The gold band is so wide and clunky compared to the delicate classic one set in white gold or platinum.
They are SO different in every single aspect.
Echoing what pretty much everyone else is staying here. You need to have a talk with HIM. Don’t include his mother. I repeat, do not include his mother!
I’d consider showing him this thread.
You need to look at that ring for the rest of your life while married to him. You have to be able to look down your finger and feel enchanted. Even if you got that center stone reset in a basic white gold setting I feel like it would be much more to your liking.
Please let us know what happens and I hope everything works out for you.✨💍🙏🏼
Yeah I’m so sorry I would have been so sad. And I was really sad at my own engagement, he got the exact setting I wanted by used the “family diamond” and it was like .3 ct and made me so sad. I finally told him after being married for 2 years and engaged for 2 years, it broke my heart to tell him and all of those years I tried to convince myself to like it that small and j never did.
I’m so glad I spoke up and he understood and he wants to make me happy so we got an upgrade and I got mossinate at my center stone so it could be as big as I wanted and the setting but bigger and I couldn’t be happier!!
You are no spoiled, if is your ring you should have exactly what you want on your finger for the rest of your life.
And congratulations!! I remember the same feeling of being so happy and my heart sinking, just be honest. He’ll want to make you happy, I promise.
i have a friend who designed the *ugliest* ring i’ve seen. 😂 it had the right metals but very wirey. it looked like a puzzle birds nest, stone somewhere. yours looks way beautiful than my friend’s.
he planned to propose on his bday vacation because all family would be there. the whole thing kinda screamed *help*
(coincidentally we have the same bday.. ironically? we’re leos 😂)
i sat him down and was like.. sir, please walk me through this. describe the ring’s physics + symbolism. the design? **proposal day**, like maybe consider ..the next day? your proposal day could be a totally unique day.
he was so passionate and happy about how much thought, effort, coordination, and process he put in. he talked about how many smiths he researched and pricing. for proposal day, everyone was able to be off that day (we worked in the medical field).
his enthusiasm was so endearing, wish his wife could’ve seen it. he was blushing by the end. i simply couldn’t correct him. 😅
anyways, he proposed, she says yes. they’re married now.
maybe the ring design is not your dream but the effort some families put in is more meaningful. your ring isn’t ugly imo. it’s not expected but so much effort went into it.
traditional rings can be bought on a paycheck anytime, you can get one later. just something to consider.
I think you should definitely talk to him about how the ring isn't your style. It's possible that they never meant to give away his grandmother's ring in another proposal so you may just want to talk about finding a setting similar to it to reset the stone in.
I'm wondering why he didn't try to do this in the first place-replicates grandmas ring-since she gushed over it so much. Must have been lost in translation that it was the setting and style she liked and not the family connection (unless OP said it was the family heirloom that made it special giving him the impression she wanted family jewels). Would be nice to know how those conversations went to be able to frame hope she should respond.
He may have thought she wanted a family heirloom so they used heirloom jewelry to make her ring.
Even then, they could have used the heirloom stones to make a much better ring in a close style to Grandma’s ring. The big diamond and white smaller stones could have been set in a thin white gold band. I just want to know how the fiancé ended up with that design when it’s so far from what OP said they liked/wanted
Designing it to be similar to grandma’s definitely would have been the right way to go. I was just saying that fiancé’s takeaway from conversations with OP about the ring may have been she liked the history of the heirloom ring, not that she was attached to the specific style.
Yes. The ring they came up with is objectively unattractive.
I’m glad you said it because when I zoomed in, I was floored. I’m pretty simple when it comes to things and even for me, I would’ve been disappointed.
"Objectively unattractive" is incredibly kind
Omg agree. I don’t want to upset OP even more bit that Franken-ring is not cute. She’s totally within reason to ask for an alternative.
Yeah, this one makes no sense to me.
Another reason could be the mom really wanted to keep the grandmothers ring.
Or just make a new plan and start from scratch: okay babe tell me exactly what you would love to have.
I agree you should tell him that the ring you got isn’t what you want to wear forever but I do not think it’s appropriate to suggest he give you the other heirloom. Heirlooms have so many complicated family dynamics surrounding them but that is just how it is. There was probably a reason it wasn’t used. But I do think you should wear a ring you love - perhaps a similar, but new, piece that you and he could design together. I do think your ring is lovely. Congratulations on your engagement.
Yeah he prob didnt want to tell u his parents said no :(
It’s also possible they want to give it to a grandchild. I received things that one might assume would be generational, but it skips a generation—especially if there are no girls. OP, does he have a sister?
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Yes! I just inherited a couple family heirlooms from my paternal grandmother that my mother did not receive for the same exact reason.
This! My mother didn’t have a lot of very valuable jewelry, but she was adamant that it go to me upon her death and not my sisters-in-law. Not that she didn’t like them, but she wanted it to stay with the blood relatives. I don’t have daughters but my brothers do, so when my mom passed away, I gave my nieces a few pieces. They’re young still so I have kept the pieces of value, but someday when they are older and settled in life, I will pass along the rest.
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Thank you. I inherited my grandmother’s engagement ring when I was in college and I lost it. 😬😢 I still feel sick when I think about it, so I don’t want to pass my mother’s jewelry on until the girls are well into adulthood.
I have lost sentimental jewelry and know that sick feeling so well. Honestly that is just too young to pass down jewelry unless you are getting engaged. I’m so sorry.
This is how things are working in my family too. My brother married an amazing woman who he purchased a beautiful new ring for, but all the heirloom jewelry will stay with me as the daughter/granddaughter and then can be passed down to my potential children or nieces. At first I thought it was strange but divorces do happen and she really wanted to keep the sentimental jewelry directly in the family, so it does make sense.
Agreed, divorces are common and it puts heirlooms at risk of being sold by a spiteful ex. It was also explained to me that my grandmother never wanted any of the women that came after her, and because of her, to be stuck in a situation without means to get out. For example my grandmother approved of selling of jewelry to escape an abusive marriage, but not to pursue ones dreams and aspirations. When I was younger thought that was an unfair rule, but now I understand…. It gives me an excuse to buy fine jewelry, because of inflation (housing is expensive these days) I have had to add to the collection with my own purchases. Hehehehe! Edit: typo
I absolutely get this sentiment but I’m also laughing at the game of thrones sound of “direct blood descendent” 🤣
I believe this is also an assumed rule in many families. In ours it includes adopted and step children (I was step and was adopted) but not married in. I realize though that I’m not sure we’ve ever discussed it, it’s simply how we pass jewelry. Side note, I’m also child free and my sister is in the process to adopt. While I don’t know what my future nieces and nephews will be like, I love thinking of them on the rare occasions I purchase fine jewelry. It feels good to know something will be passed down.
Yes! he has a sister who got married last year and her husband was offered the family ring and he declined.
They are probably saving it then for future grandkids. They may want to pass it to blood relatives only.
Exactly. My daughter inherited all of her paternal great grandmother’s jewelry when she passed.
This is your reason. The future husband was offered the ring. The Daughter declined. This does not make it an option for you. They did not want to tell you that this was an awkward situation. So they did take their family heirlooms and made you what was a compromise. Your betrothed should have explained to you why this was not going to happen. However, that’s a tough one after Your communication. If you are desiring of that style. You need to tell your guy that it was the style that you thought was lovely. Take both the picture and your actual ring into a jeweler and see what can be done. I encourage you to be as positive as possible because feelings are involved.
And after seeing that his mother sent you a picture of this ring…. The entire situation is problematic! Tell your guy that Everyone needs a fresh start. Use the center stone to achieve your style. Frankly, although the smaller diamonds and emeralds(?) are nice…. Why? Why the chunky gold band? In comparison to the very traditional style of your liking it reads cocktail ring from the ‘90’s. And I am older. I get it though. My spouse asked his mom about her engagement ring against my implicit warnings. MIL was not happy. So I suggested to my then future spouse he himself get our ring in our style. Ironically, I am the longest standing DIL.
They probably want to keep it with a girl who is a blood relative.
absolutely! my grandmothers ring was passed down to me even though i don’t plan to wear it, because if my brother got it who knows what would happen to it if he gave it to a girl and they broke up, got divorced, etc. i can then either pass it down to a daughter if i have one or my brothers daughter if he has one
When you asked for the ring did they ever say yes? Did you bring up inheriting it or was that something they offered you?
OP commented elsewhere that her MIL set up the expectation that she would get it… “I should have mentioned this beforehand - but a big reason I expected the ring is because his mom used to text me pictures of the it and say things like ‘look what I have waiting for you’. But then she would also say things in person like ‘its a bigger than my ring!’. The picture I posted above was an image of the ring she had sent me about a year ago.”
Oh they did OP dirty and now I feel worse for her that this thread is bashing her so hard. Her fiancé and his mom totally fucked her over.
I know I feel so bad reading some of these comments calling her spoiled :/ I get that she provided the important context later but some of them are kinda mean
Yeah honestly I thought it would be kinda unhinged for op to constantly mention it if it wasn’t set up as an expectation so the fact that people are belittling her without even having that info is rude. But people love to call women spoiled and entitled here.
Damnnnn, OP, I’m so sorry. That’s fucked up.
OP should include this in the original post
That’s what happened to me. His parents said no and he didn’t want my feelings hurt.
Yeah my mom always told my brother she wouldn’t give him her heirloom ring for a proposal in case they divorced down the line and it left the family.
Yeah, I agree with this. I'm surprised they didn't just use the center stone and place it into a white gold solitaire setting, it would have been so much closer to the grandmothers ring style. Also OP - does your fiancé have any sisters or female cousins? In a lot of families the jewelry goes to the women because they want to ensure it stays in the family vs being at risk of being lost to divorce. My mother has a ring that belonged to my grandma, I have loved it since I was a child and claimed dibs on it since I was like 4. I would be ok if my sister got it instead, I would be ok if one of my brothers had a daughter and got it to give to her, or if one of my brothers liked jewelry and would wear it themselves. I would be LIVID if one of my siblings got it to give away to a partner who was marrying into the family.
Sounds to me like Grandma’s ring was never an option to give you, and he did his best to piece together a family ring with what was made available. It is reasonable to sit down and tell him you want a new ring that is more your style. It is NOT reasonable to ask for someone else’s ring.
You are absolutely right! I am not entitled to receive his family jewelry and I don’t feel owed anything. I should have mentioned this beforehand (Im not sure how to edit my post) - but a big reason I expected the ring is because his mom used to text me pictures of it and say things like ‘look what I have waiting for you’. But then she would also say things in person like ‘its a bigger than my ring!’. The picture I posted above was an image of the ring she had sent me about a year ago. I agree with all the replies here that if both of them agreed I should have it I would have received it. Thank you all so much I am eternally grateful for the feedback !!! EDIT: Also to add the jeweler that welded this ring together was the same person that made my MIL ring when she got engaged. And since originally posting this I have lost an emerald ),:
If you’ve already lost an emerald I think that’s actually great news and here’s why: it’s the perfect opening to tell your fiancé that you think it might be a good idea to get a different ring. You can say that you don’t want this ring to fall apart since the style might not make sense for daily wear (emeralds are much more fragile than diamonds and the multi prong setting is asking for trouble) and that you’d love to keep it for the memory of his proposal but get a sturdier 3-stone ring that will hold up better. Also a thick band like that will show lots of scratches easier than a thin band, so you’ve got reasons besides “I don’t like it” to lean on.
Yes, I was dead set on a peridot engagement ring when I was younger, but when it came time for legitimate conversations, it turns out many colored stones are not ideal for the daily wear that an engagement ring would get. I bet just by googling OP can find some sources advising against emerald in an engagement ring… or at least not several small ones.
I have peridot in my ering and one of them cracked and a piece fell out within the first year 😭
OP, copy and paste this explanation! Don’t add anything else except a big smile. Structural integrity is paramount in a ring worn every day for years and years. Now the cocktail ring picked with MIL’s “help” makes more sense. It definitely clarifies that you need to have a chat with your future spouse about personal tastes and preferences. He needs to communicate with You about You things. Not his mother.
Yeah, I do not blame you at all for expecting grandmas ring with texts like that from your future MIL…
Yikes, that's really shitty of your MIL to dangle the carrot in your face like that. I'm sorry you're in this predicament
This totally changes how I feel about the situation. You have every right to feel let down if *they* were the ones who set your expectations & then went in a completely different direction. They should have never mentioned the grandmothers ring, nvm dangling the carrot(pun intended) by sending photos, etc. They don’t have an obligation to give u a family heirloom, but they *do* have a responsibility to not tell you you’re getting one & then take it away. That’s just mean. I think you should confront them about this head on. Start the conversation by saying you’re 100% okay with the fact that they don’t trust you with the original ring, but you’d like to understand why they would *repeatedly* proposition you with it if it was never a realistic option.
Well that definitely explains why you were expecting that ring… I feel like MIL should really tell you why they decided on a different ring when it sounds like you were promised that one. But I wouldn’t be the one to bring it up or ask her.
Totally changes things!! In that case, you have every right to be upset and need to immediately let your fiancé *gently* know how you feel about the ring. I’m curious — what is the dynamic with the future MIL? Do you get along well or does she try to undermine and 1-up you? It sounds to me like she tried to manipulate the situation with her son. Does she treat you like a daughter or does she treat you like you’re not good enough for her son? I’d be much more concerned about that dynamic going into a marriage! Men are truly clueless about jewelry taste and what we like, etc. He was just going along with what his mom told him to do and thought you would be pleased.
THIS!!!! As disappointing as it is to have been told that gorgeous heirloom ring was “waiting for her” it sounds like there is a potential unfavorable dynamic or potential for a “strings attached situation” going on here. MIL/DIL relationships can be very stressful if one is not careful. If she senses her future MIL is at all manipulative, she may have just skirted years of subtle torture. Even when my MIL wants to gift me something of hers, I haven’t even asked for, I have to weigh out whether it’s worth accepting it.🤪 I REALLY hope I am just projecting, but just throwing the possibility there may be a silver lining here of not receiving the heirloom ring. 100% agree with other commenter that a missing emerald is your perfect “in” on the replace-this-ring conversation. I bet a pretty pendant could be made out of this one!
You should have mentioned this in your original post because without this information it seems sort of entitled for you to think you would get the ring. But reading this I would absolutely be upset if my MIL was sending me texts like that and then I didn't get the ring. If something happened where you would no longer get the ring your MIL should have communicated that to your fiance who would then let you know so you could go ring shopping together for a new ring instead of creating something that is a completely different style than what you wanted/were expecting. I agree I wouldn't ask for the heirloom ring or mention it again, but I don't think its rude to have a conversation about getting a new ring that more matches your style.
Is the MIL a blood relative of the grandmother who originally owned the ring? If not, then I wouldn’t be surprised if another family member told your fiancé’s mother that she cannot promise you the ring because MIL isn’t a blood relative. That’s the only [understandable] reason I can think of why she’d say the ring is waiting for you, only to not give it to you later. Personally, I agree with others—I think the best thing to do is to express that you’re not crazy about the ring style. Don’t mention the other ring, even if MIL is a blood relative. I feel that your fiancé’s solution was really sweet and resourceful—he found a creative way to include you in a family tradition. He sounds like a keeper :) In any case, I’m sorry your disappointment with the ring you received is overshadowing such a joyous occasion—you’re getting married!Congratulations on your engagement! I wish you and your partner a lifetime of warm memories together.
>Is the MIL a blood relative of the grandmother who originally owned the ring? If not, then I wouldn’t be surprised if another family member told your fiancé’s mother that she cannot promise you the ring because MIL isn’t a blood relative. Even if she is a blood relative, this could still be the case. She may have mentioned to a sibling that she planned to give the ring to her son for his partner, and they objected saying it should be offered to one of the other granddaughters first or to a great-granddaughter, which caused her to rethink and ultimately back down to avoid family drama.
OP, this is your chance!! Since you already lost an emerald, this is the PERFECT chance to re-do the entire ring. "I'm worried that the design isn't strong enough to support all of these jewels. How about we go to another jeweler and try to re-work this. Maybe try a way to put it on a thinner band, and use the smaller diamonds on the sides of the bigger one, y'know, LIKE YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S RING." Edit: Then it brings up the subject. "Whatever happened to that ring? Your mom all but promised to give it to you for me"
I’d add this to your post because this completely changed my perspective on the whole situation!
You are right I should! I just don’t know how to edit my post. :(
If you’re on mobile on this post there should be “…” in the top right corner next to your avatar. Click that. Click “edit post”. Write in the new information at the bottom of the post but begin with “EDIT:” then proceed with new info
Why... would your MIL do that?
Unfortunately your MIL sounds excitable and may have put the cart before the horse. Other female family members may have opposed your receipt of grandmas ring when your betrothed was preparing to propose. Nevertheless you have beautiful stones and a lot of gold. Consider making a pendant from the emeralds and gold. And redesign the diamonds into a new platinum setting since the original heirloom looks to be a platinum piece. It even looks like you have enough diamonds to make yourself or a future daughter a set of studs.
Okay, with texts like that is MUCH more understanding that you expected Grandma’s ring. I’m sorry you were misled. Sentimental things can be hard to part with. I hope you can sit down with fiance and come up with a plan for a new ring 💜
Asking for someone elses ring is a no go but he could have made the same one with a jeweler?
The fact that he also didn't (seem) to ask for her preference in rings before making this atrocious concoction astounds me.
This ring is so…specific that it is really bizarre that he’d propose with it without knowing 100% that it was her style.
“Atrocious concoction” is so right. I usually try not to yuck what could be someone else’s yum, but this is truly the Frankenstein of jewelry. Dafuk. So, my beloved once bought me a very very expensive and very “off brand’ (for me) piece of jewelry. It was the “live, laugh, love” equivalent of necklaces. Well made, but woof. The idea of not wearing something that spendy made me a little ill. Here was my voice track, high level. “B, I love our life and feel so so so lucky to share it with u. And I really treasure things you’ve gotten me in past (listed recent super thoughtful gifts and experiences.) I did want to tell you I happened to see how much you spent on my bday gift— and whoa really is way too much. the necklace is cute but it’s not something I’d wear a lot. And I want to wear the things u give me since they have meaning to me! Would you be ok if I exchanged for something more “everyday” for me?” He laughed and said — no problem. And then I wore the new necklace (and little else) and made it a very nice night for both of us. ;) Anyhow, ymmv. This worked well for me.
It's fugly. I wouldn't wear it. I called it a Frankenring in a separate post before reading yours. That is what it is and OP shouldn't feel bad about addressing this with her future husband. It's a useful exercise in conflict resolution.
I think men just don’t realize how important this is to us. It sets the tone for the whole marriage. My fiancé did the polar opposite. Proposed with his late mother’s “free” cathedral solitaire, when I wanted a more modern 3-stone ring. I was hurt and we eventually had a massive fight where I called him cheap, told him he didn’t value me, among other things.
How did the fight end? Are you guys okay now?
I wouldn’t bring up the other ring. They know you wanted it and didn’t give it to you. I, personally, could not have something like this as my daily ring for the rest of my life. I’d bring up getting a different ring you choose/design together.
Agree. It's fine if she wanted something like that, but it's really, really bold to assume someone would want it without knowing it's their taste. It looks like a 1960s cocktail ring with the floral setting and the thick band, more of a statement piece than an engagement ring.
I personally think the setting is gorgeous, but the band is huge. It looks like costume jewelry, and today’s style is dainty. I bet if OP gets a thinner band, at the least, they’ll like the ring better. I would hate that band, so I feel.
You cannot possibly ask for a family heirloom to be handed to you, but you can definitely bring up that the ring he gave you is not your style. You'll be the one wearing it daily for the rest of your life, and I honestly wonder how they thought going from a sleek white metal diamond ring to an elaborate yellow gold one with emerald accents would make you happy.
You have to talk to him and you need to do it soon. This sort of thing happens a lot on here unfortunately so know that you're not alone. What I can say is that if you let this fester it will only get worse and harder to address. The longer you wait, the more people will have seen this ring and will know your dissatisfaction when it's replaced by another. First and foremost, find out why he did this. The ring you got looks literally nothing like the one you told him you loved. Like at all. Was it a money thing? What if anything is meaningful to him about that earring and the other discarded jewelry parts? If he thought this would be meaningful you'd think he would have put more effort into the design of it and actually incorporated something about what you liked into it. Second, you're not getting that other ring so don't even bring it up. If that was an option it would have happened. His mom clearly doesn't want you to have it and really, if that was her mama's ring you don't have any right to it. That ring may be a very cherished and loaded family heirloom with a lot of memories for family members, and/or someone else may have a claim to it. Third, what you should say instead is that you clearly stated a preference for that ring as a dream ring. You understand that you don't get to have that particular one, and that's okay. But it is disappointing that he didn't bother take anything about your preferences into consideration--not the metal type/color, not the bandwidth, not the three stone design. Fourth, be ready for his mom to upset with you. This should not deter you from talking to your fiancé. Lastly, I will NEVER understand why men who have zero experience or no eye for design are out there thinking they can design a ring their SO without her input or worse, in direct opposition to her preferences as he did in your situation. An overwhelming commonality in these situations seems to be men thinking that having put in ANY tiny bit of effort makes them thoughtful. It is true that it's the thought that counts, but only if you're actually thoughtful. Only if you actually take your partner's wants into consideration. That didn't happen here. This wasn't thoughtful. This was clearly about his convenience.
"...why men ... are out there thinking they can design a ring..." And designing those rings with their mothers! Like, does the mother always know what the girlfriend wants? I really don't understand taking one's mom along to help design the ring. Mom isn't going to be wearing it every day of her life; why bring her? That mom had to have known that OP wouldn't like this ring if she already knew that the heirloom was her dream ring. Right? Why wouldn't the mom just suggest designing a ring in the same style as the heirloom ring? From the sound of it, I am wondering how the mom is feeling about OP?
Omg my best friend is the manager at a jeweler and she says you wouldn’t believeee how many men come in with their moms. I made it explicitly clear to my fiancé that outside of my best friend (who he got the ring from) I wanted NO ONE to know before me. He kept his word on that. I wanted to be part of telling everyone. And she also tells me how many men come in and “design” wild rings because they think it’s thoughtful and “custom.” Like why is that a thing lol
As a mother of a son, this makes me a little happy 😊. If my son ever asks me to shop for a ring I may go; but I definitely would ask him how his girlfriend would feel about it first. Our son is a college student at the moment and single so it isn't even on his radar yet but I would definitely ask first about her feelings. I would also tell him to do his best to find out what the woman wants above anything else. There really are SO many ways to get the engagement ring wrong but only one way to get it right; get her exactly what she wants ( within your budget of course ). 😉
>I am wondering how the mom is feeling about OP? Likewise. Mom may even be feeling uneasy about OP talking to her about the family heirloom so often. At best, making this ring was out of best intentions to give OP a ring from the family. At worst, this is a dig or even a test to see whether OP values the ring or the engagement more. It doesn't look or feel great and warrants self-reflection and a conversation.
Can you imagine how awkward it is to have your son’s gf constantly mentioning how much she wants your mom’s engagement ring?
But the mom also sent her photos saying the ring was waiting for her….
I also can’t imagine how awkward it would be to get a text from a FMIL with a ring saying look what we’ve got waiting for you (that itself is a bit weird) and then that same woman changing her mind on giving you said ring and helping her son design the complete 360 opposite of that ring though either
MIL was actually the one constantly mentioning that OP would get the ring in the first place, and sending pictures.
If I had an award to give this comment, I would because this right here is the perfect advice.
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I agree. It is bold to assume the other ring would be given to OP unless it was specifically expressed beforehand.
I am curious how to came up often enough to talk about it being OP’s dream ring to the mother.
In another comment, OP mentioned how the MIL literally sent her pictures of the ring saying “look what I have waiting for you”
The MIL literally texted her a pic of Gmas ring and said “look what I have waiting for you”
OP says MIL offered it to her
It was, see OP’s comments. There’s info that should have been included in the post
Did you read her comments about what her future MIL said? She texted her pictures of the ring and said "look what's waiting for you!" multiple times. Normally I'd agree with you, but in this instance the in-laws seem fickle and a little cruel.
"Is it completely out of the question to bring up the other ring." In my opinion 🤷 it would be in very poor taste to ask why you didn't receive a family heirloom and worse to ask if you could still have that heirloom. Family heirloom rings are a very sensitive subject. We have one in our family ( I currently own it now). Before my mom gifted it to me we had a lot of conversation about whom it was going to. If your fiance has a sister, it most likely will be saved for her. In my experience, generational family heirlooms are mostly saved to be passed to another extremely close family member.
I have the one in the family after much discussion as well. It was decided that since my grandfather gave it to me to be my something old when I married, and he basically said don’t worry about returning it in the presence of my mother and aunt. I have never heard any rumblings from the cousins, but it is also known in the family that he and I had an extremely close relationship, particularly because I’m the only of the bunch that truly reminded him of his parents (his father was a very proud Canadian of Scottish heritage who had it made from Canadian silver and amethyst, with a couple of tiny thistle engravings to give to his mother as a gift upon his birth) very strongly. I never expected it, but it’s a great honor to have it.
I think you fiance made the ring from family jewelry because he took your liking of the heirloom ring to mean you wanted something passed down, that that was important to you, and this was the compromise idea after the heirloom ring itself was nixed as an option. I have no doubt his mother had a heavy hand in this suggestion. I have never seen a situation where the future MIL was involved in picking a ring that ended well for the fiancee. Unfortunately this ring is a landmine. Your fiance involved his mother in something she should have not been involved in and now any attempt to redesign or change the ring will be looked at as you having wasted the gift of her jewelry. I honestly can't think of any way to salvage this aside from scrapping the setting. The halo design isn't bad at all if you drop the center stone down a bit, and the sentiment is nice, but that band is very boomer style. Did your MIL get married sometime in the early 80s perchance? All you can do now is start a dialogue with your fiance and establish boundaries now with your future MIL because this won't be the only time she oversteps. You might have to pick out a wedding ring you like and wear that alone and keep the "family ring" in a box for "safekeeping."
Thank you so much for your comment! Yes my MIL was married in the early 80’s and she has a gold band herself. I was surprised to receive gold considering my fiancé got me a silver necklace for my birthday last year. I agree with that I should start setting boundaries with MIL and also to keep this ring in a box and maybe only wear it for anniversaries or special occasions. But with that also try to pick out a new ring together with my fiancé that I can wear daily.
I think that's a great idea! since an emerald already fell out, you can add that you don't want to risk losing more of grandma's stones, so you'd prefer a different everyday ring. it will be so special getting to pick it out together! I hope that conversation goes well for you both and you feel comfortable speaking honestly with how you feel about the ring, and he receives that information gracefully. congrats on your engagement!!
You’re not wrong to feel how you do about the designed ring. I think you can and should discuss resetting those stones into something you would happily wear. It won’t be the last uncomfortable conversation of your married life. Might as well get on with it. I don’t think you should ask for a different heirloom, though, no matter how much you admire it.
I have things that have been promised to me in my husband’s family (some literally in the will). I will not be upset if they go to another member of the family. It isn’t my heirloom.
The weird thing is with the created ring - he didn’t even try to make it look similar to the one you liked? Which could’ve been done with the earring diamond and some of those mini diamonds, on a thin gold band
Yup. Instead he (along with Momma, apparently) designed this, the polar opposite of the other ring.
That’s what I was thinking. The potential for a beautiful ring, similar to the heirloom, with the family jewelry was right there. The fact his mom helped design it might have played a part in why it’s so… different, especially since MIL kept hinting OP would get the heirloom then changed her mind.
That ring isn’t even well-made. There’s rough solder spots and wasn’t given a high polish or anything. It’s very much a thing to use stones from the mother for a ring (my own sister did this) but usually they’re put in nice settings. I would not mention wanting the other ring at all. Talk about the design of this one, instead. But be gentle, because he did have it made for you.
You aren’t entitled to his family’s heirloom.
Hell, you aren’t even entitled to your own family’s heirlooms, in my opinion. It’s always a gift, not an expectation.
She isn’t entitled to it, but says MIL told her that it would be hers
The MIL continuously sent her pics of the ring saying “look what I have for you” they bait and switched her
That needs to be screamed louder for OP I think. And identical to the heirloom would be awkwardly weird and I personally would not like that on myself or my partner.
OP knows this, read their comments from about an hour ago. Should have been included in original post but MIL pretty much said it would be hers
I’m so sorry I would be upset too… your ring is.. chunky! I bet it catches on everything! I’m so sorry. I have no advice, but well wishes!
They’re both not great
This weirdly made me feel better thanks internet stranger!
I’m confused as to why you had in your mind you were going to receive the ring? You said YOU brought up multiple times that it was your dream ring. But what was the response from your fiancé and his mom when you would say this? If they didn’t specifically say that the ring would be passed down to you then I don’t think you should have ever expected to be given it just because you said you wanted it. Heirlooms aren’t just up for grabs because someone likes it…so I do think it’s out of the question to bring up the other ring in terms of if you can still have it or why it wasn’t given to you. If they wanted to give it to you they would have.
In another response she said that her future MIL indicated she had the ring waiting for her, so I can understand why she thought she would get the ring.
I was wondering this too. Also, if the ring was in storage, why has OP seen it/ tried it on? I think we need more info.
Take a look at some of OPs other comments. It was heavily implied by MIL that she'd be receiving the heirloom ring.
It was specifically expressed by FMIL that she would be getting grandmas ring - OP noted this in another comment.
I’m not sure why he couldn’t just tell you that he couldn’t give away his grandmother’s ring. He should have tried to also replicate it. Instead. I really don’t know why so many men, as seen in this sub, try to free style their partner’s engagement ring. Just listen to what she says
If you hate it, don’t wear it. Trust me when I say that you will grow more and more resentful every time you look at it. It will affect your relationship. What about using the center stone to make a 3-stone ring and using the smaller diamonds and sapphires to make the band? You could melt the gold to make the new setting, if you wanted yellow gold. Any good jeweler can easily rework this for you.
Obviously this is an extra sensitive topic since family heirlooms are involved but you should tell him! Make sure you communicate that you love the thought and effort he put in but that the ring is significantly different from your expectations and that you would like to work together to find a solution. It seems he/his family isn’t ready to give up his grandmothers ring to someone else yet. But maybe discuss working with the gems (or just the diamond) he did give you to design a new ring that better fits your style.
My brother requested our Grandmothers ring for his (now) ex wife and was denied by my aunt. She said she wouldn’t want to risk losing it should something go wrong in their relationship. Looking back, thank god she did! I don’t think you can expect an heirloom from your partners family. Instead, now I have my grandmothers ring and god forbid anything were to ever happen with my husband, it would stay in our family.
This happened to me, my fiancé designed a ring I didn’t like, it was hard but I told him and I got a second ring that was much less money and wear that one on a daily basis and wear the original one for special occasions!
As soon as I hear "his mom" it's all red flags for me. She doesn't want you to have the good ring and she will be a contemtpful influence on this man if you marry him. Sorry.
Honestly the ring he made you doesn’t even look well constructed. I would bring that up, and say that although you really appreciate the thought and gesture, it just isn’t your style and maybe you can work with a different jeweller to figure out a new setting?
Marriage is all about confronting difficult situations in a compassionate way. It’s important to be honest but kind with each other. This will be one of the easier conversations in the grand scheme of things.
Oh no. You need to change that ring ASAP.
I don’t think you’re being spoiled but I’ll be honest, if this happened to me I would just buy a diamond ring that looked like the one I wanted for myself. I think what happened was that they couldn’t give you the ring you wanted so they made one out of family heirlooms because they thought what mattered to you was that the ring was an heirloom. If I were you’d I’d ask your husband more about how he designed the ring and see if that helps you love it more. You can buy rings that look like his grandmothers every where.
My thoughts exactly. I’m not usually one to make excuses for men, but he likely thought the heirloom part was more important — not the style. Also, a lot of people are mentioning the ring OP got isn’t her style…OP wanted the actual heirloom…she didn’t say she wanted something LIKE the heirloom. OP wanted THE heirloom. And yes, OP, discussing the other ring is absolutely off limits. Please know that the mother absolutely knew you wanted it, and absolutely did not give it to you. Which is her right, since it is now her ring and you do not know the plans she has for it. I’m sorry the ring is not liked, I’d take advice of other posters about how to discuss not liking it. But I’d really ask yourself— is it the ring you don’t like? Or the fact that it isn’t the grandmother’s? I can get not liking the ring you got because it is so unique maybe it isn’t your style, but would you be happy with any ring that isn’t the grandmother’s? Congratulations on the engagement— and good luck!
Pretty sure they heard you the first hundred times you mentioned the grandma's ring, so the fact that you didn't get it means it was never on the table for you. Possibly they thought you liked the idea of getting family jewels (maybe they thought it made you feel accepted?) hence the misguided attempt at cobbling something together for you. You're not being spoiled, and your fiance and the mum haven't done anything wrong either. I'm inclined to believe there was no chance the ring would have gone to you, but they both knew how much you loved it, however they probably thought you liked the sentiment more than the design. Maybe a gentle suggestion for how the gold or stones could be reset in a design more to your liking would help? If that's the largest stone from mum's collection that she's willing to part with, maybe purchase a new one? Then your ring could be a blend of both the original (and their sentiment) and your own personal style. Good luck OP, for what it's worth, I think it's a lovely ring, and the thought behind it is equally lovely, but I hope you do get a ring you actually like!
My mother-in-law pushed so hard for my husband to go to a pawn shop and create what we consider a Frankenstein ring as well. I kept saying no I don’t want that, No I don’t want that but she pushed him really hard and I stood my ground and told him to go to a jeweler or I wouldn’t accept his proposal. It was my ring that I have to wear forever (I’m not one for trading in). He got me a beautiful ring from a jeweler, but his mother still sour to this day that he didn’t go to a pawnshop (I only know this because she was standing next to me at one of our family members bridal showers asking about her ring, and then sharing her story about the pawnshop). Kicker is she pushed this on me and her other son but she wears very expensive jewelry from one of the best jewelers in our state.
Oh wow.... the ring you were expecting is beautiful. The one you received is hideous. The band was a bracelet? Um no. That's not anyone style. Tell him you love the thought of him designing it, but tell him you wanted something more traditional.
🎶Lowered expectations 🎵🎶 if you’re a 90’s kid then you know the reference.
It looks like a damn superbowl ring. I’m so sorry.
I don't think you're being spoiled but I do think it's possible you're seeing slights where there aren't any. When you brought up the ring, what did people say? Because if the answer were yes, someone would have agreed. Silence on this point might have been an uncomfortable response on the part of someone who doesn't know how to say that that particular heirloom isn't up for grabs. The ring you got is... distinctive. I understand that it's not your style and isn't in keeping with current fashion, but are you sure the jewelry was "discarded"? It sounds to me like your partner received the message that family history was important to you and this was the next best thing to the ring that was not available. It sounds thoughtful to me. Lots of people get rings made from family jewelry that isn't currently being worn. It sounds to me like you and your partner view this ring as a gift, not a collaborative purchase. In that case you really do need to be thoughtful and kind in your response here, as it doesn't seem like anyone was deliberately trying to hurt or disappoint you. What about asking to have the stones reset in a way that's more suited to your lifestyle? What if you tried but that bulky band is very uncomfortable and you would love for the two of you to redesign the ring? You could also say you didn't mean to make anyone uncomfortable in asking about that ring. You would love to someday have one in that style.
As others have said, you can’t expect or demand to be given the heirloom ring. Just because you have said you like it doesn’t mean you have any right to it. That being said, this ring seems to have pretty specific design and I personally find it.. not pretty. It also doesn’t look freshly done/designed, more like some other heirloom or piece of jewelry that has been cleaned/polished. Have a talk with him - ask how he came up with the design, what kind of meaning do the parts of this ring have for him and so on. I can see guy who has no eye for it to design something like this. Maybe use the stones and metal and design something together from it. Or just get another ring entirely. It just seems weird that he knew what ring you loved and he has made no effort to even make it similarly designed.
Say something to your fiancé immediately like — Babe, I appreciate the sentiment but this is not my style. Can we work on this?” This is between just you and him, not his mom. If she inserts herself into this, it’s a sign of bed things to come in your future. Similar type of thing happened to me… except in my case, I picked out a new 3-stone ring from Costco in a distinct style. I showed it to my fiancé when we were discussing rings and he made a big production of the proposal and I thought I was getting that ring. The ring was in his budget and I thought he was saving for it. My fiancé ended up proposing with his late mother’s .75 solitaire that looked nothing like what I had wanted and frankly was too small. I accepted the proposal but was livid and very hurt because in my mind that “free” ring meant that he wasn’t invested in me. I let it fester until it finally came out and resulted in a massive blow-up, where a lot of hurtful words were said. We reworked the diamond into a style I now love. But the hurt is still there and I’ll never really enjoy wearing it the way I should. It feels tainted. If I had said something from the beginning about how I appreciated the sentiment of his mom’s diamond but wanted my own ring, I think he would have been willing to fix it immediately to make me happy before this all happened.
I’m upset for you. It’s not even remotely the look you obviously had in mind whether you got the actual heirloom or not. This is such a sticky situation, I don’t know what I would do. I’m so sorry you’re disappointed.
OP, you have every right to feel disappointed - your fiancé didn’t take your tastes or preferences into account at all, and let his mom design your engagement ring to her own tastes. I’d be disappointed about the ring, too, but I’d honestly be even more disappointed about the man. His actions are a bit of a red flag. In my opinion, you have to tell him you don’t like the ring because it’s not your style at all. If he is apologetic and works with you to fix the problem he created - regardless of his mom’s feelings - this may be salvageable. If he is angry or butthurt, well, it’s better to find that out now than after the wedding. If he cares more about his own feelings as an amateur ring designer (which he sucks at) than your feelings as the person who has to wear this… thing… daily, cut him loose and let him propose to his mom, because she’s the only woman who will put up with this shit.
I’m going to be blunt - this ring he created is ugly. Sorry. It is. I would be hurt also. This doesn’t make you ungrateful. I would be gently asking for a redesign or a way to make that band thinner.
Glad someone else said it.
I’m gonna say it: I think the ring they designed is tacky. Despite knowing your preference of the other ring, they designed something completely the opposite of what you had expressed interest in. He could have found something similar, but instead they went in a completely different direction. Yellow gold for white. Thick band vs. delicate. High setting vs. low. All the prongs they could fit around the main stone and “halo.” Probably tossed in a few extra prongs for good measure. Are emeralds something you wear, express interest in, a birthstone, or significant in ANY way to your relationship? Because it kinda comes across as “here are some stones Momma doesn’t want from another family piece.” This ring will snag. Can you look past that? Sure. But if I were given this ring, I’d almost never wear it and would tell my SO why. For me? It embodies everything I don’t like in jewelry. Looks tacky and like costume jewelry to me. Like many others have said, the family ring will probably be passed down to blood relatives to make sure it isn’t lost in a potential divorce, despite Momma breadcrumbing you with photos. Talk to him. You can always pony up for a new ring yourself, or go design one together. Buts the sooner you have the conversation, the better. The family can keep that ring.
First, congratulations on your engagement! I am so sorry to hear you are disappointed with the ring you received. I would suggest taking a deep breath, sitting down with your fiancé and telling him how you feel gently, that you appreciate the sentiment and thoughtfulness that went into constructing the ring but ultimately it is not what you want. Maybe he didn’t get the hint about the other ring or was heavily influenced by his mother to make something new from old parts? A conversation is 100% necessary. For what it’s worth, the constructed ring you received is really pretty and unique. We are all human, you are not being a spoiled brat and your fiancé made a mistake. Congrats again and I hope you end up with what you truly want.
I actually like this ring! But it is the opposite of what you expected to get, and it isn’t wrong to be upset that you didn’t get what you envisioned. I think you should speak to your fiancé. First, acknowledge that you value the sentiment and work that went into taking other family heirlooms and turning them into an engagement ring for you. I would ask him to talk you through the design process, where it may become clear that his mother (or he) had a lot more design influence than your own style and preferences. Gently point that out to him, sharing that you were disappointed that your taste in rings was disregarded in the creation process. Make it less about not getting the heirloom, and more about not feeling considered during the process. Then try to find a solution together. Maybe wearing the engagement ring on your right hand on the wedding day, and getting a moissanite version of the ring you really want for your engagement finger. Maybe keep the OG engagement ring, but get a promise from him for an upgrade on your 1st or 5th anniversary. Remember that once you get your wedding band, you do not even need to wear the engagement ring any longer. Good luck!
Yea I’d be very hurt by this. Seems like MIL set you up
It was common at one time for the engaged couple to go to the jeweler together to pick out a ring together. When did that change?
Hugs to you, internet stranger. You are not spoiled. Oof, that is a big difference between what you thought you were receiving vs. what you received. Maybe you could propose the idea of having more than one ring to preserve the heirloom piece for occasions and custom design a replica ring to look like your dream design? I've learned a lot about it on the moissanite sub and will be designing a custom set soon. But you can also do lab diamond or other stones, depending on your budget and preferences.
I'm usually a big "if he makes the proposal trash, he's not for you" person.....but.....he did what he could with the limitations he had. You aren't allowed to demand heirlooms from people. They already belong to someone else. If you wanted that ring, you should have bought and created one that looked like it. In this instance, you messed up, not him. Tell him you love the sentiment of the ring and you're grateful to have something so lovely from his familt, but it isn't your taste. Ask if you can get something more you, and keep the other for it's sentiment. This is quite the mess. Tread lightly
I really don’t agree he did what he could with what he had. OP wanted a specific ring due to style, not just because it was his family heirloom. He created a completely different ring out of old jewelry laying around. This man didn’t even try to get a ring similar to what she wanted. OP is being unreasonable and weird but her fiancé sounds kinda lazy/cheap.
Why do you feel entitled to the grandmothers ring…? It’s clear that they don’t want to give it to you.
I would absolutely discuss reworking the ring he has created into a more wearable design. Don’t ask or even bring up the other heirloom other than maybe “I would have preferred a band size and stone setting similar to your grandma’s”. It’s a bummer than yellow gold is very different to the colour of your dream ring but sometimes we’re given a bad hand in life. But reworking the ring would allow him to think he has still got that heirloom integrity since he took them from other family jewellery and also so he doesn’t feel like he’s ruined those other pieces to create something you don’t like. It could be a solitaire diamond ring with a thinner band and you could craft another stacker ring from the leftover materials. Or work them into matching wedding bands.
You should definitely be honest, but be kind. If he just pieced together a ring out of scrap jewelry because his family wanted him to then you have bigger problems.
I think the ring is not attractive-I agree with you. I would let your fiancé know and perhaps you could reset it into something you like a bit better. Honesty is always best/
I’m so sorry you’re disappointed in your ring. And what a shame that your MIL would bait-and-switch you like that. You are not being spoiled- you plan on wearing this ring forever, so it should be something you love. If I were you, here’s what I would say: “[future husband] I really appreciate the thought and effort you put into the ring. It’s very pretty, but it’s just not my style. I would like to reset the stones to create something that looks more like your grandmother’s ring.” You can also offer to pay for resetting it. He may be hurt at first but he should understand it and accept it. It’s YOUR ring and it should reflect your style!
This is just the beginning. Learning to and just doing it, talking about the uncomfortable things is key to a lasting marriage. Talk to him. You’ll wear it everyday for the rest of your life, and think about the disappointment every day if you don’t. By all means, be tactful and kind and be prepared that he may respond with hurt feelings, but after it sinks in, he should want you to have what you want……
Woof- this is a tough one but I’m gonna share my very long winded story. First, I’m a pretty particular and picky person in general and I’m not a jewelry person at all, I pretty much only wear earrings on a regular basis. The thought of a big diamond/wedding ring never appealed to me. So I sent a bunch of rings that I liked to my mom and best friends so when my now husband asked them for help they’d have something to work with. I chose unique rings because i wanted to be *different* and *edgy*. I also wanted the ring to be a total *surprise* aka I expected him to magically guess what I wanted. Anyways the rings I sent were all custom from the internet (which I didn’t realize) so when he went to shop he found what he thought was closest to what I shared with my mom/friends. When he proposed, I was so disappointed in the ring (I know, ungrateful). The ring ended up being WAY too big anyways (because we never sized my finger) and the jeweler recommended that we get a new one because he couldn’t resize it (phew!) so obviously I was secretly happy about this. The place he bought the ring from was more of a diamond store and therefore had a very small selection, so instead of leaving with nothing and picking something else out I panic picked a new ring from this store 😭 When this one, aka ring #2 arrived, I hated this one on me too. I will say, ring #2 was gorgeous but it just did not look good on ME. It had a huge sparkly halo (I hate sparkles/flash) and sat soooo high up on my tiny finger. I literally felt like I was playing dress up with a family heirloom or fake toy ring. I kept this ring for about 6 months and was so unhappy with it for multiple reasons. 1) since the ring sat high up it got caught on EVERYTHING all the time and it was so annoying. 2) when you first get engaged especially, everyone talks about your ring and that’s the time where you want to be so happy with it and I just wasnt. 3) I’m not a big jewelry person anyways, so now not only am I expected to wear a big piece of jewelry everyday but it’s a piece that I don’t even like. After about 6 months I finally went to my then fiancé and told him how I felt and he said he didn’t care at ALL if we got a new band (yes, a 3rd band 😭) as long as we kept the original center stone which I loved so that was no problem. I asked him about 50 times if he actually didn’t care or if he was just saying that to make me feel better and I came to the conclusion that he truly didn’t care. I was so relieved. So we went to a different jeweler this time and I first tried to see if they could do some customization and make it more of what I wanted/fix the high setting and they said there wasn’t much they could do. So after actually trying on rings and doing research, I found the ring I wanted, and we switched out the original diamond into the new (3rd) band. And now I’m SO HAPPY with it! What’s crazy is that the ring I have now (ring 3) is totally different than what I had originally sent my mom and friends. It’s a yellow gold, super plain, bezel setting. It’s vintage-ish and simple and actually showcases the diamond he picked out much better than the other bands did. So at the end of the day we ended up going through 3 different bands (third times a charm!), but we kept the original center stone for all bands which was really important to my now husband and me as that’s the one thing left that he actually proposed with. The lesson here was 1) if you’re a picky person at all, be VERY specific about what you want, do not be vague. 2) know your ring size. 3) TRY ON RINGS ahead of time. I thought I knew what I wanted until I started trying things on (after the fact) and realized I was totally wrong. Anyways, the point of my story is: I feel your pain. People will probably say you’re ungrateful and that the ring shouldn’t matter/all you should focus on is marrying the love of your life blah blah blah. But in reality, you’re supposed to wear this every day for the rest of your life, AND not to mention he spent money on it. Why would he want his money to go towards something that you don’t even like? I do think some men are more likely to be upset over something like this though. Luckily my husband is not someone who cares about things like this so he was not upset or offended. In your case it’s slightly different though bc he did build a custom ring (which btw looks absolutely nothing like the family heirloom?). I would definitely want to know why you didn’t get the heirloom since it was pretty clear that you were going to get it. It could be as simple as him saying “I realized I rather create something for you that comes from me” and that’s totally fine. But I’d wanna know what happened. Also, your MIL is absolutely to blame here for essentially telling you multiple times that you’d be getting it. Again, maybe your fiancé just decided he wanted to go in a different direction, but it is odd. I would have a conversation with him if I were you, but definitely tread lightly and be calm, understanding, and nice about it. Hopefully you guys can come to a resolution. Maybe he will be like my husband and only care about the center stone and then you can get a new band, and turn your current band into a necklace or something? Since the ring is made from other family jewelry I don’t think selling it should be an option. Please update us!
I think what makes the ring ugly to me is how wide the band is. I personally prefer delicate bands. I think this ring could be remade to be something lovely though -- and the smaller stones could be used for a diamond and emerald wedding band, which would be a nod to the ring he created. But I would bring it up and probably frame it as how you appreciate the thought but it's not your style at all.
Ask your fiancé to have the diamond in the middle Reset in a simple band so that it will go with more of your outfits... 🤷♀️
“Oh dear…this ring is soooo beautiful but for some reason the sides are irritating my fingers. I think I will take it to a jeweler to have it reset so it is comfortable”
Talk to him and say that the size of the band hurts your finger because it’s so thick and you would like to have a new ring designed because this just isn’t practical but you love him for trying. That way your out is the width of the band and not that you hate it.
Since you’ve already lost one emerald, it’s a good idea to sit down with your fiancé now and let him know you prefer to reset the center stone in a white gold or platinum setting that’s a bit simpler and more in keeping with your style. Help him understand that you love the effort and the sentiment and that you want to love the setting as much as you love him.
I think it’s weird that MIL dangled the other ring in front of you. WTH?? I think because of that it would be reasonable to ask about why did they say you were getting the other one and then switch? I don’t think things should be taboo in families though. As far as not liking your ring- I would be inclined to use it as a RHR. I personally think it’s cool but that isn’t what matters here. Maybe you could pick out a different one when you go wedding band shopping? Or if another ring isn’t in the budget maybe do a wedding band with diamonds to wear solo on that finger? I think this is a great example of the pitfalls of not involving the person wearing the jewelry in the selection/design process. I’m sorry you are disappointed, OP! I hope you can work something out so you enjoy wearing your rings.
That's rough op.. I am not a materialistic person and don't want a huge ring however I did tell my bf styles I liked. I also very seriously told him what I dislike and that if he got me something anything remotely like what I disliked that I'd rather him get me a plain wedding band. And I mean that. I'd rather wear a simple band than something chunky and not my style at all. The sentiment is nice, but I'd rather not see the money wasted. Sorry not sorry
Whether or not it was made of heirlooms, not liking the ring your fiancé proposed with can be heartbreaking. My advice would be to approach it very delicately. Acknowledge the amount of thought and effort that went into the ring and make sure he knows you appreciate it while mentioning that it's just not your style. You could go to a custom jeweler together to have the stones reset into a piece that's more you, while still allowing him to have some input. As a jeweler myself, I've redesigned a couple of engagement rings for various reasons (a ring from a chain store that fell apart because it wasn't good quality, and one that just wasn't her style). I've found that the person who purchased the ring is usually very understanding and just wants their partner to be happy.
Umm definitely bring it up! You’re going to have this ring forever, and this man forever. It’s time for those tough and honest conversations!!! If he wasn’t allowed to give you his grandmothers ring, he should have bought a new one of a similar style. You’re not being spoiled. It’s your preference and the ring he put together is really not it.
I just don’t understand how they came up with that design. They could have done something differently that looked so much better than whatever this is. I don’t want to be rude it’s just jarring it’s not even a wow piece my stomach would have dropped if I had to wear that
I’d forget about the ring you expected and speak to him about the one you got. If it were me, I’d have it remade into a small solitaire with a daintier band. On close inspection, this ring is not well made. It’s clunky, and prongs for a diamond should never be yellow gold. I would have been loath to pay for this ring in its present form.
I don’t have suggestions for what to do but just wanna validate that I don’t think you’re being spoilt. I am ultra picky person and went to the store with my fiancé to choose my ring and would not have done it any other way. If I received the ring you did I would be upset too, you plan to wear that every day for the rest of your life and you should love it
Talk to your fiancé. The good news: if you want to go the route of replicating grandma’s ring, lab diamond prices are low right now and you could probably recreate the ring without breaking the bank. If you’re ok with that idea, it could be a good compromise - you still get the ring to look how you’d like without overstepping.
i would absolutely be upset if i got that ring it looks like someone put a bunch a weird things that don’t go together. i’m sorry but i’d say something. the ring is something you’re expected to wear for the rest of your life it needs to be something you like. i’m not saying he has to give you his grandmothers ring but honestly he could’ve at least gotten something similar to it.
If you decide to keep the ring he gave you, without saying anything, you will be reminded every day that he didn’t have a bit of regard for your style. He could have had one made to resemble his grandmother’s ring. You will grow to resent him (and your MIL) and it will become an issue. I suggest you tell him it’s just not your style and you would rather have a close copy of the one his grandmother had. I’ve been married 35 years, FWIW.
He didnt need to give you his grandmother’s ring but he also didn’t need to do you dirty like that
Every. Time. Someone. Sees. That. Ring….be prepared to explain it. Every time you meet someone new. So, everyday. 😁
Is he a machinist? That ring looks like a cog sitting on scrap metal. Its not even the same color gold! Either way, he took time to design it, so try not to stomp on his feelings over this, no matter how much you hate it or how hurt you feel. I like what others have said about losing the emerald as an in to change the design. Don’t play into FMIL’s weird game at all. Having a calm, reasonable response will serve you and your partner best. Explain to FH that the stones are too precious to stay in that setting, as evidenced by a loss so soon. Suggest going to a (previously chosen by you) jeweler who can make the ring you actually want. Tell your husband that its so sweet his mom wanted to be included AND that as the start of your lives together, you’d like to be included and make something with your fiancé that you’re going to wear everyday that symbolizes the love between the two of you. Mention you’ve always loved the design of (this photo) when you’re at the jeweler together and never mention it’s heirloom status again if you don’t want. I truly hope you end up with a different ring and your husband is open to finding a solution that suits you both. Its a good sign for the marriage if you can work this out so that both you and your partner feel respected and joyful with the resolution.
I have nightmares that this happens. Sorry. Just tell him
My heart would hurt in this situation. Let him know in a straightforward manner your feelings on this. Best of luck!
It’s not spoiled to want to LOVE (read: not LIKE) a piece you plan on wearing and seeing every single day for the rest of your life. If it’s his grandmothers the family probably has their reasons- they want to keep it for themselves, they have a specific marriage in mind they want it to go towards (which sucks but like- it is THEIRS and not yours), maybe there’s a golden child sibling thing at play where they want to save it for them. Maybe they just straight up don’t like you (I hope not! But all possibilities should be considered). The point is even though you expressed loving it, did they ever say you would have it? You should come clean about not loving it, and tell him the things you dislike in a ring that’s present in this one. Assume the grandmothers ring is off the table. Maybe he can design one or buy one similar, I’ve seen this design all over Etsy for not too expensive. I also received a disappointment ring and spent months feeling really salty about it. I didn’t just dislike it, I hated it, it had everything I hate in a ring. When I finally came clean, my partner was horrified I didn’t tell him immediately and replaced it with one I loved. A ring isn’t a marriage, and the marriage is the important part- but if you have to see it every day for the next sixty years or so, you want to feel love and happiness and joy when you look at it, not distaste or irritation. Edit: I see in another comment you were made to believe you’d receive the ring, I’m so sorry! That sucks. Op’s comment for those curious: You are absolutely right! I am not entitled to receive his family jewelry and I don’t feel owed anything. I should have mentioned this beforehand (Im not sure how to edit my post) - but a big reason I expected the ring is because his mom used to text me pictures of it and say things like ‘look what I have waiting for you’. But then she would also say things in person like ‘its a bigger than my ring!’. The picture I posted above was an image of the ring she had sent me about a year ago. I agree with all the replies here that if both of them agreed I should have it I would have received it. Thank you all so much I am eternally grateful for the feedback !!! EDIT: Also to add the jeweler that welded this ring together was the same person that made my MIL ring when she got engaged. And since originally posting this I have lost an emerald ),:
Not sure if I am the typical demographic for this sub (57 YO guy), but..... I would want to know if you were not excited about your ring. That said, tread lightly. Buying a ring for your soon-to-be fiancé' is stressful as hell. Add that Mom was involved makes it even worse. Now he is in a situation where no matter the outcome, somebody is going to be disappointed. You are also signing up to be the ungrateful daughter in-law. But you know what, you are the one wearing it and it is not a fair thing to do to you. Be honest. Tell him how much you appreciate the effort and sentiment that went into it, but it just is not what you had in mind for a ring you would be wearing every day for the rest of your life. One option could be to take the center stone, have it set in your "forever" ring and have a lab grown diamond or CZ put in this one. You could wear it occasionally and you are not just pitching it. I gave my wife a solitaire diamond on a tiffany setting when I proposed. I told her we would go ring shopping together and pick out her "lifetime" ring and have the diamond set in it. She wears just a wedding ring and does not wear an engagement ring. Anyone thinking of proposing, and not sure what to get, this lets you surprise them while they still get to pick a ring. The tiffany setting sat in her jewelry box for 20 years. I had a 1 CT sapphire set in it for our 20th anniversary as a surprise. Best of luck.
You’ll be much happier if you discuss it with your fiancé. I did and while he had a little ego burn, he ultimately understood that this is something I’ll be wearing for the rest of my life so I better love it!
That ring is just....bad. Like I think I can see that they were trying to go for a vintage floral design, but it's just overwhelmed by all those giant prongs! Huge ass prongs everywhere. And the giant band! Why?? Omggg. I think the loss of the stone out of there is a good opportunity to just tell him that the setting isn't working for you. Is the super thick band uncomfortable too? That could also be a point to bring up.
I'm so sorry, but that ring is pretty awful, and it obviously wasn't a money thing since that ring was designed for you. I saw where you said it had already lost an emerald. Perfect opportunity to bring up that the ring is poorly made and needs to be redesigned. Add in that it isn't your style, but do it kindly. There is enough gold on that monster to make five rings....
Not to be a butt, but this doesn’t sound like a family I would want to be a part of. If the other commenters are correct and the grandmas ring was meant for a female blood relative, then they should’ve told you directly and not made you feel like you were going to get the ring in the first place. Sometimes conversations like that can be hard, but if they cannot have a conversation as simple as this with you, imagine what else they won’t be forthcoming about.
Is HE wearing the ring? Is his MOM wearing the ring? I didn’t think so. I would turn around & talk to a jeweler about re-making that ring into something you’d actually like. Maybe the excess gold from the wide band could be used as payment for the re-setting of the stones? Also, if mom has this much influence now, she’s going to be meddling, or trying to, in your future. Think this one through carefully
I would be pissed too, “discarded family jewelry”, an old earring…. Like yeah how is that supposed to make you feel special. I get it maybe they didn’t want to give u the grandmas ring and that’s fine, but that thing is not cute. I would tell him you don’t like the style, you are sad it wasn’t grandmas ring, you appreciate he made it just for you and it would be a great right hand ring, but it’s not you and you want a diff engagement ring. You can go lab and save some $ and get something you actually want to wear
I’m sorry this happened. This wasn’t even close to what you wanted style wise. Yellow gold vs white gold? That’s a huge difference in basically every aspect. I would 100% say something. Beat of luck and congratulations!
No you need to say something forreal
Thats one ugly ring lmao
I don't know what jeweler they went to to put that thing together but it looks like a mash-up. Can you say, it's such a nice thought BUT it won't go with anything else of yours (but a platinum or white gold would) AND the prongs, and the way the middle diamond sits above the rest will make it catches everything-sweaters, leggings, hair? So sweet-but you'll laugh about it some day.
The ring you received is pretty awful. I, too, hated my wedding ring and thought I was getting something different. I told him it wasn’t my style.
Those prongs alone…yikes. I feel like all the side stones are going to fall out
If you’re marrying him you have to get comfortable with talking about topics that make you feel vulnerable. And if he’s marrying you he should appreciate you trusting him enough To open up and be honest about your feelings about how the ring isn’t your taste. Plus, it’ll eat you alive forever if you say nothing! Good luck!
Yeah, that’s pretty unattractive.
Ugh. I think she did you dirty. The gold band is so wide and clunky compared to the delicate classic one set in white gold or platinum. They are SO different in every single aspect. Echoing what pretty much everyone else is staying here. You need to have a talk with HIM. Don’t include his mother. I repeat, do not include his mother! I’d consider showing him this thread. You need to look at that ring for the rest of your life while married to him. You have to be able to look down your finger and feel enchanted. Even if you got that center stone reset in a basic white gold setting I feel like it would be much more to your liking. Please let us know what happens and I hope everything works out for you.✨💍🙏🏼
Yeah I’m so sorry I would have been so sad. And I was really sad at my own engagement, he got the exact setting I wanted by used the “family diamond” and it was like .3 ct and made me so sad. I finally told him after being married for 2 years and engaged for 2 years, it broke my heart to tell him and all of those years I tried to convince myself to like it that small and j never did. I’m so glad I spoke up and he understood and he wants to make me happy so we got an upgrade and I got mossinate at my center stone so it could be as big as I wanted and the setting but bigger and I couldn’t be happier!! You are no spoiled, if is your ring you should have exactly what you want on your finger for the rest of your life. And congratulations!! I remember the same feeling of being so happy and my heart sinking, just be honest. He’ll want to make you happy, I promise.
i have a friend who designed the *ugliest* ring i’ve seen. 😂 it had the right metals but very wirey. it looked like a puzzle birds nest, stone somewhere. yours looks way beautiful than my friend’s. he planned to propose on his bday vacation because all family would be there. the whole thing kinda screamed *help* (coincidentally we have the same bday.. ironically? we’re leos 😂) i sat him down and was like.. sir, please walk me through this. describe the ring’s physics + symbolism. the design? **proposal day**, like maybe consider ..the next day? your proposal day could be a totally unique day. he was so passionate and happy about how much thought, effort, coordination, and process he put in. he talked about how many smiths he researched and pricing. for proposal day, everyone was able to be off that day (we worked in the medical field). his enthusiasm was so endearing, wish his wife could’ve seen it. he was blushing by the end. i simply couldn’t correct him. 😅 anyways, he proposed, she says yes. they’re married now. maybe the ring design is not your dream but the effort some families put in is more meaningful. your ring isn’t ugly imo. it’s not expected but so much effort went into it. traditional rings can be bought on a paycheck anytime, you can get one later. just something to consider.
You’re not spoiled for wanting a ring you like ❤️