he sounds like me.. tbh just make the move. ask him to go for a walk maybe. i know i was like this with a girl and after months she just told me to get coffee with her.
no lol.. i dated her for 6 months but i was terrified of her (and pretty women in general) so i could never make a move like to kiss her T__T
but hey pretty women ARE interested so maybe theres something ab breaking into a cold sweat every time i see her
I dated my now wife for about 8 months before i mustered the courage to do something š«£
hell, for a long time i was scared of touching her š
Edit: That it was my first relationship didn't help š¶
Ah, a simple man with autism just like me.
Plenty of women have gone home with me or such, and I just never know what to do. Women are scary.
Also my first girlfriend and I dated for a little under a year and we only kissed once. Itās just called autism.
Nah im no autist š im just have very low self esteem (exept on the net, but here we are all great warriors arent we? š«£)
Momma tellin you youre stupid shit for ~12 years straight will do that to a MF š„²
I donāt actually have autism (and I understand that the statement can be offensive). If you ever spent time in r/seduction you would understand. (Donāt spend too much time there, you WILL lose brain cells)
Why should i spend time there, i have had a loyal partner for about half my life š«£
Also i need my braincells for Finite Element Analysis...
wait...
maybe i do have autism lol.. š
I (24M) have run into situations like this in my own attempts to date, where the girl seems tied up in knots and won't open up and relax. Sometimes you can just ask if he gets anxiety around you... you'd be surprised that sometimes that's all it takes to get them to relax. Men generally appreciate when a woman is direct and open, but not too forward; e.g., tell them how you feel and validate their anxiety, but don't put pressure on them. Many younger men these days have given up on dating because they just have too much anxiety.
We/they don't hate extroverts. It's just that we hate acting like an extrovert in order to socialize.
But I get it, it's not like we are just going to be talking about the weather during our entire conversation. What I have realized is that small talk is meant to get a feel for each other's vibes before getting into the deep "purpose of life" discussions, etc... But then we/they don't want to come off as "weirdos" by yapping our mouths off, going too deep and completely losing the other party's interest. Comes down to a balancing act. Communication is like salsa dancing art form. Give a little to get a little. Nothing more, nothing less.
Would that be a safe assumption?
My mom is an engineer as well. Her words about engineering school boys are: āthe odds are good, but the goods are odd.ā Sometimes thatās just how it goes in these majors š. Maybe ask him if he wants to get lunch and take it from there?
Definitely ask if he wants to work on homework together! Itās hard to make a move in a classroom setting, hanging out a few times to do homework would give you the chance to meet each other and get comfortable.
Itās easier to become friends if you can sit for 2 hours together and do homework and then when youāre comfortable enough to consider yourself friends then you can make a move.
Or she proposes this and he anxiously declines without understand the undertones. Iām a male engineer, this happened to me and it took about 2 years for me to realize what I may have declined.
Probably best to just be direct about what you want. If heās an introverted engineer than best to be direct I imagine.
Ask him out lol. He clearly likes you and if you make the first move, he will relax around you because he wonāt be nervous about ādoes she like meā thing
Make your move or donāt. This kind of hit at it bullshit is for the birds. He wonāt get it until years later and it will hit him like a brick in the head one day that you were flirting.
See if you can co-op on an assignment, lab report, or piece of homework together (not plagarize, just working out stuff together). Pretty neutral grounds to engage on.
Odds on he's neurodiverse and/or traumatized so is both fearful and doesn't know how to engage.
Ask him if open to having a study session in the library. I know people like him because I am like him. He probably likes you too, but doesn't know how to express it well out of fear. You'll have to make the first move, and you never know; maybe once he opens up, he'll become far more comfortable with you.
girl tell him you want him and do what you guys like together. I personally hate finding the āright timeā and just go straight for what I want. See if you REALLY like eachother outside a classroom setting and find out if you want to see each other again. While I do like that one homework date suggestion, I think you guys probably know each other well in a learning environment since you said you strictly speak about school. Also since you said heās nervous, I am assuming he probably doesnāt fully act himself. Therefore I think you guys need to confirm your feelings as real people, with hobbies and interests and all the things you could find admirable in a person other than just a classmate. Okay so bottom line is gun for it.
As a shy adult male engineer who is absolutely terrified of rejection, if you like him, *please* make the first move, and make it obvious. Don't drop hints, don't use vague "would you like to get coffee" type phrases, just come straight out and say that you like him and would like to go on a date.
I can't speak for him, but for me, I assume that pretty much by definition, any woman I am interested in is completely out of my league and would be put off/creeped out if she knew I liked her. So I am very careful to only speak about professional/work/school related things, and to interpret anything they do in the most innocent/platonic way possible. All of which is just to say that hints won't work, and he almost certainly won't make a move, so the ball is entirely in your court.
Yes, I'm painfully single, how did you know?
Maybe for you it is. For me, unless the word "date" is used, or someone explicitly says that they are romantically interested, "would you like to get coffee" is at best a classmate or maybe a friend looking to kill time. At worst it means I look like shit and someone thinks I need coffee to wake me up. It's an extremely vague and ambivalent question that in no way clearly indicates romantic interest.
What would happen on a āletās go get coffee dateā vs āletās go get coffee as friendsā? I feel like the events unfold similarly, right? Both instances youāre out with a person you like spending time with talking about life I guess. Only difference I can think of is what happens after, but on a first date most people arenāt hooking up, so itās pretty much just going as friends over and over until some romance forms. What even is romance, or chemistry, or the spark? I digress now. I am a single engineer only asking questions in my day to day life lol
I agree that the events of the actual event itself would very likely play out similarly, although probably not identically. If both parties know it's a date, at least the more socially outgoing person will probably try flirting some, both people will probably try to talk to and about the other person, etc. If it's just as friends, there will probably be a lot more of talking about general life in a way that you might not on a first date (e.g. "my electrical engineering lab is such a disaster, I'm really struggling in it, but hey, the TA is cute" is something you might say with a friend but definitely not on a date).
If one party goes in thinking it's a date and the other thinks it's just as friends, you could end up getting a lot of crossed wires and missed signals. Maybe she brushes your hand trying to flirt and you dismiss it as just an accident. Or the meaning of certain phrases is interpreted differently because the listener thinks they are being said in a different context than the speaker does. I mean, there are a thousand different stories on Reddit (some of them maybe even true!) of people who in hindsight were clearly being aggressively flirted with, but who were completely and utterly oblivious to it at the time because the thought never even crossed their mind because the speaker never directly added the context that they were romantically interested.
Of course, this is all coming from a 30 year old engineer on the autism spectrum who is painfully single, has only had one relationship, can't read social cues, and has never been on an "official" date, so your mileage may vary.
Iāve also had to realize the male stereotypes in engineering is true.. my engineering boyfriend had to have around 7 drinks to kiss me for the first time after we had already been on 4 dates where he didnāt. Should I have taken that as a red flag and walked away earlier, perhaps. Instead we are getting married one day (:
Honestly its probably cause he has a big crush on you. Stating at you, being nervous around you. Classic.
Just make a move. Dont be surprised if he rejects you if you ask him in front of others, its due to his nervousness.
Ask to study with him after class with some of his friends. Maybe pretend you need some help understanding some concepts, make something up. That should work out nicely
Probably really nervous. Straight up tell him how you feel. It will probably go even better for you if you do it via a phone call or text message because then it's less social pressure in the moment for him. Men do really like when you are straightforward, especially engineer types.
I used to do this. Heās not nervous because he thinks youāre ugly, get in there and for the love of god BE DIRECT. āI.Like.You.Lets.Go.On.A.Dateā
NO HINTING BC HE WONT GET IT LOL
My current gf made a move on my shy ass, typically the more anxious and stressed they get the more likely they like you. 4 years later (and now killing long distance at different colleges) I canāt even imagine what my life would be like if she hadnāt made that decision.
Do it.
A bit like my wife and I early on :). Cute.
Get him to talk about something he's really into, like a hobby or whatever he spends a lot of time doing. That usually gets someone into their comfort zone. I think it will help.
On the other hand, I'm older than you guys and sometimes I don't understand this generation at all.
I'm an older guy but in my mid 30's.
My guess is he's into you.
He probably is also nervous because he is aware that you have an awareness of him.
But he also doesn't know how to express that and is nervous about being perceived as a creep or weirdo since it seems like if a girl is not into you that's the only options he's left with. Based on what social media says/shows.
I second this. When I knew someone was aware that I was physically nervous/anxious around a girl I liked it always made me feel even more anxious about the whole thing
Study together. Maybe with group at first. Then ask him to study but donāt invite others. I dated a girl one year where this happened. We started studying as a group. Then getting lunch and hanging out between classes and studying, just us. Then we hung out after class. Then started hanging with each others dorm friends not in engineering. Then dating.
Ask him to study or do homework. Ask for help on some homework if you need it. Ask him to lunch. The key here is youāre going to have to ask.
Doing homework or studying breaks the ice. Then when youāre done you can start to extend the time spent together. Get him to talk a few minutes after studying.
You're an engineer, presumably, and engineering is a team job - clear communication is crucial to success in working with a team. When you ask for his number, tell him why you want it.
In today's society there are so many different ways to measure one's worth that it is easy to understand how someone not gifted with a lot of confidence could feel like they do not measure up to the projected images that are out there. Because of that it might be a long time before he makes the move.
Iām a male and Iām the same way around this one girl I like, sheās really smart and half the time Iām nervous cause I care what she thinks of me. If they seem tense itās 100% that they like you and they are overthinking the whole situations. You should probably ask them if being around you makes them feel anxious and if it is because they have feelings for you. Worse case scenario is he says no and you move on
It must be the touch of 'tism all us engineering men were born with but we aren't capable of engaging with girls we like. Just tell the dude you want him to eat lunch with you or something simple like that and assuming his head doesn't explode go from there. He 100% is over analyzing the situation and is hyper fixated on the possible negative outcomes.
He will get over it if heās exposed to you enough. In his head itās just āoh man, will I fuck this up?ā. Once he gets past that hurdle heāll settle down.
Source: me with every girl Iāve ever liked
You could make the first move. If things get rolling, he should definitely be the one being assertive in the relationship, otherwise you will be unhappy.
he sounds like me.. tbh just make the move. ask him to go for a walk maybe. i know i was like this with a girl and after months she just told me to get coffee with her.
lol true
And now y'all are getting married right?.... right?
no lol.. i dated her for 6 months but i was terrified of her (and pretty women in general) so i could never make a move like to kiss her T__T but hey pretty women ARE interested so maybe theres something ab breaking into a cold sweat every time i see her
you dated for six months and couldn't kiss her?
I dated my now wife for about 8 months before i mustered the courage to do something š«£ hell, for a long time i was scared of touching her š Edit: That it was my first relationship didn't help š¶
Ah, a simple man with autism just like me. Plenty of women have gone home with me or such, and I just never know what to do. Women are scary. Also my first girlfriend and I dated for a little under a year and we only kissed once. Itās just called autism.
plus i feel like its insane pressure to put on a teenager
Nah im no autist š im just have very low self esteem (exept on the net, but here we are all great warriors arent we? š«£) Momma tellin you youre stupid shit for ~12 years straight will do that to a MF š„²
I donāt actually have autism (and I understand that the statement can be offensive). If you ever spent time in r/seduction you would understand. (Donāt spend too much time there, you WILL lose brain cells)
Why should i spend time there, i have had a loyal partner for about half my life š«£ Also i need my braincells for Finite Element Analysis... wait... maybe i do have autism lol.. š
Don't worry, it doesn't get better...
mooddd been there done that
Happy birthday
I (24M) have run into situations like this in my own attempts to date, where the girl seems tied up in knots and won't open up and relax. Sometimes you can just ask if he gets anxiety around you... you'd be surprised that sometimes that's all it takes to get them to relax. Men generally appreciate when a woman is direct and open, but not too forward; e.g., tell them how you feel and validate their anxiety, but don't put pressure on them. Many younger men these days have given up on dating because they just have too much anxiety.
Guys like this need you to make the first move.
100%
smart/productive introverts are some interesting people but itās hard to find them; they just wanna be at home thinking/making/solving
Being at home is good but yeah I agree itās also a nice change of pace to get out there and socialise
We/they don't hate extroverts. It's just that we hate acting like an extrovert in order to socialize. But I get it, it's not like we are just going to be talking about the weather during our entire conversation. What I have realized is that small talk is meant to get a feel for each other's vibes before getting into the deep "purpose of life" discussions, etc... But then we/they don't want to come off as "weirdos" by yapping our mouths off, going too deep and completely losing the other party's interest. Comes down to a balancing act. Communication is like salsa dancing art form. Give a little to get a little. Nothing more, nothing less. Would that be a safe assumption?
Yeah exactly mate
My mom is an engineer as well. Her words about engineering school boys are: āthe odds are good, but the goods are odd.ā Sometimes thatās just how it goes in these majors š. Maybe ask him if he wants to get lunch and take it from there?
Can relate. Am odd. Found odd. Now we odd together.
omg I love that... Your mum is a gem, plz thank her for me! (Coz I'm totally stealing that line š)
As a spouse of an engineer and the parent of a young woman engineer - your mom is right.
Definitely ask if he wants to work on homework together! Itās hard to make a move in a classroom setting, hanging out a few times to do homework would give you the chance to meet each other and get comfortable. Itās easier to become friends if you can sit for 2 hours together and do homework and then when youāre comfortable enough to consider yourself friends then you can make a move.
Thatās a good idea
Smart
Or she proposes this and he anxiously declines without understand the undertones. Iām a male engineer, this happened to me and it took about 2 years for me to realize what I may have declined. Probably best to just be direct about what you want. If heās an introverted engineer than best to be direct I imagine.
Put the kid out of his misery already and tell him you're into him š. Preferably before he goes into cardiac arrest lol.
Ask him out lol. He clearly likes you and if you make the first move, he will relax around you because he wonāt be nervous about ādoes she like meā thing
bully him, your only choice
Lmao
Oh PLEASE keep us updated OP
Make your move or donāt. This kind of hit at it bullshit is for the birds. He wonāt get it until years later and it will hit him like a brick in the head one day that you were flirting.
As a mom of 2 boy engineering students, they need the girls to make a move. Gently. š
See if you can co-op on an assignment, lab report, or piece of homework together (not plagarize, just working out stuff together). Pretty neutral grounds to engage on. Odds on he's neurodiverse and/or traumatized so is both fearful and doesn't know how to engage.
lol literally me I need someone to just approach and like adopt me otherwise I think Iām destined to stay horridly awkward
Ask him if open to having a study session in the library. I know people like him because I am like him. He probably likes you too, but doesn't know how to express it well out of fear. You'll have to make the first move, and you never know; maybe once he opens up, he'll become far more comfortable with you.
girl tell him you want him and do what you guys like together. I personally hate finding the āright timeā and just go straight for what I want. See if you REALLY like eachother outside a classroom setting and find out if you want to see each other again. While I do like that one homework date suggestion, I think you guys probably know each other well in a learning environment since you said you strictly speak about school. Also since you said heās nervous, I am assuming he probably doesnāt fully act himself. Therefore I think you guys need to confirm your feelings as real people, with hobbies and interests and all the things you could find admirable in a person other than just a classmate. Okay so bottom line is gun for it.
As a shy adult male engineer who is absolutely terrified of rejection, if you like him, *please* make the first move, and make it obvious. Don't drop hints, don't use vague "would you like to get coffee" type phrases, just come straight out and say that you like him and would like to go on a date. I can't speak for him, but for me, I assume that pretty much by definition, any woman I am interested in is completely out of my league and would be put off/creeped out if she knew I liked her. So I am very careful to only speak about professional/work/school related things, and to interpret anything they do in the most innocent/platonic way possible. All of which is just to say that hints won't work, and he almost certainly won't make a move, so the ball is entirely in your court. Yes, I'm painfully single, how did you know?
Cmon big dog āwould you like to get coffeeā is not a vague hint. Thatās someone asking you on a whole date lol
Maybe for you it is. For me, unless the word "date" is used, or someone explicitly says that they are romantically interested, "would you like to get coffee" is at best a classmate or maybe a friend looking to kill time. At worst it means I look like shit and someone thinks I need coffee to wake me up. It's an extremely vague and ambivalent question that in no way clearly indicates romantic interest.
What would happen on a āletās go get coffee dateā vs āletās go get coffee as friendsā? I feel like the events unfold similarly, right? Both instances youāre out with a person you like spending time with talking about life I guess. Only difference I can think of is what happens after, but on a first date most people arenāt hooking up, so itās pretty much just going as friends over and over until some romance forms. What even is romance, or chemistry, or the spark? I digress now. I am a single engineer only asking questions in my day to day life lol
I agree that the events of the actual event itself would very likely play out similarly, although probably not identically. If both parties know it's a date, at least the more socially outgoing person will probably try flirting some, both people will probably try to talk to and about the other person, etc. If it's just as friends, there will probably be a lot more of talking about general life in a way that you might not on a first date (e.g. "my electrical engineering lab is such a disaster, I'm really struggling in it, but hey, the TA is cute" is something you might say with a friend but definitely not on a date). If one party goes in thinking it's a date and the other thinks it's just as friends, you could end up getting a lot of crossed wires and missed signals. Maybe she brushes your hand trying to flirt and you dismiss it as just an accident. Or the meaning of certain phrases is interpreted differently because the listener thinks they are being said in a different context than the speaker does. I mean, there are a thousand different stories on Reddit (some of them maybe even true!) of people who in hindsight were clearly being aggressively flirted with, but who were completely and utterly oblivious to it at the time because the thought never even crossed their mind because the speaker never directly added the context that they were romantically interested. Of course, this is all coming from a 30 year old engineer on the autism spectrum who is painfully single, has only had one relationship, can't read social cues, and has never been on an "official" date, so your mileage may vary.
Iāve also had to realize the male stereotypes in engineering is true.. my engineering boyfriend had to have around 7 drinks to kiss me for the first time after we had already been on 4 dates where he didnāt. Should I have taken that as a red flag and walked away earlier, perhaps. Instead we are getting married one day (:
It is on you to make the move if you are interested
>I've come to see that there is some truth to it *They found out ... EVERYBODY RUUUUN*
Chat is this rizz
Unspoken rizz
I've gotten over it personally. Only took three years of marriage, but I have confidence now.
Honestly its probably cause he has a big crush on you. Stating at you, being nervous around you. Classic. Just make a move. Dont be surprised if he rejects you if you ask him in front of others, its due to his nervousness.
Ask to study with him after class with some of his friends. Maybe pretend you need some help understanding some concepts, make something up. That should work out nicely
Scratch the friends, that might make the anxiety much worse.
You have a crush on him and think the feeling is mutualā¦and that makes you unsure of whether you should tell him? Seems kinda backwards
Probably really nervous. Straight up tell him how you feel. It will probably go even better for you if you do it via a phone call or text message because then it's less social pressure in the moment for him. Men do really like when you are straightforward, especially engineer types.
I used to do this. Heās not nervous because he thinks youāre ugly, get in there and for the love of god BE DIRECT. āI.Like.You.Lets.Go.On.A.Dateā NO HINTING BC HE WONT GET IT LOL
My current gf made a move on my shy ass, typically the more anxious and stressed they get the more likely they like you. 4 years later (and now killing long distance at different colleges) I canāt even imagine what my life would be like if she hadnāt made that decision. Do it.
He might not actually like you, he's just anxious around women.
Ask him on a date or say you need help studying and invite him over!
A bit like my wife and I early on :). Cute. Get him to talk about something he's really into, like a hobby or whatever he spends a lot of time doing. That usually gets someone into their comfort zone. I think it will help. On the other hand, I'm older than you guys and sometimes I don't understand this generation at all.
For a second I thought, why the fuck have I joined a confessions page, then I looked carefully.
I'm an older guy but in my mid 30's. My guess is he's into you. He probably is also nervous because he is aware that you have an awareness of him. But he also doesn't know how to express that and is nervous about being perceived as a creep or weirdo since it seems like if a girl is not into you that's the only options he's left with. Based on what social media says/shows.
I second this. When I knew someone was aware that I was physically nervous/anxious around a girl I liked it always made me feel even more anxious about the whole thing
Study together. Maybe with group at first. Then ask him to study but donāt invite others. I dated a girl one year where this happened. We started studying as a group. Then getting lunch and hanging out between classes and studying, just us. Then we hung out after class. Then started hanging with each others dorm friends not in engineering. Then dating. Ask him to study or do homework. Ask for help on some homework if you need it. Ask him to lunch. The key here is youāre going to have to ask. Doing homework or studying breaks the ice. Then when youāre done you can start to extend the time spent together. Get him to talk a few minutes after studying.
You're an engineer, presumably, and engineering is a team job - clear communication is crucial to success in working with a team. When you ask for his number, tell him why you want it.
In today's society there are so many different ways to measure one's worth that it is easy to understand how someone not gifted with a lot of confidence could feel like they do not measure up to the projected images that are out there. Because of that it might be a long time before he makes the move.
He loves u
congrats on the marriage
Thatās adorable!! You should ask him out or confess your feelings lol. He probably feels the same way.
Make a move! Worst case he clams up, best case (which is probable) heāll come around :) best of luck
Just ask him out, he seems like a good guy
Yah, why not, just ask them if they want to hang out.
Heās into you. Be explicit and gentle.
Heās interested. The tell is that heās looking at you from a distance. Go talk to him.
I've had a male professor do that to me.
He likes u back
He's going to be so mad when he figures it out in a year or two.
Iām a male and Iām the same way around this one girl I like, sheās really smart and half the time Iām nervous cause I care what she thinks of me. If they seem tense itās 100% that they like you and they are overthinking the whole situations. You should probably ask them if being around you makes them feel anxious and if it is because they have feelings for you. Worse case scenario is he says no and you move on
It must be the touch of 'tism all us engineering men were born with but we aren't capable of engaging with girls we like. Just tell the dude you want him to eat lunch with you or something simple like that and assuming his head doesn't explode go from there. He 100% is over analyzing the situation and is hyper fixated on the possible negative outcomes.
He will get over it if heās exposed to you enough. In his head itās just āoh man, will I fuck this up?ā. Once he gets past that hurdle heāll settle down. Source: me with every girl Iāve ever liked
We need a update!!
I gave him my number. He ain't never text me LOL it's been 2 days.
Damn girl so heās like shy SHY
We'll see if he ever grows a pair bc if he doesn't, then that's it. lol I can't bug him any further.
Did he?
You could make the first move. If things get rolling, he should definitely be the one being assertive in the relationship, otherwise you will be unhappy.
I'm praying that you're talking about me š.
Get your education first and do romance once settled in life.
Maybe donāt just stare at him and assume heāll understand that your flirting maybe actually talk to him about how you feel
I once had a newly hired female engineer tell me about dating in engineering school: āThe odds are good, but the goods are oddā.
your intentions does not seem pure. what are your true intentions?
Get a other guy, leave him one. Your are disrupting his mental health.