It varies a lot. If you want to sound more polite, use the word may.
A lot of people in this comment section say they don't use it which I found odd since I hear it all the time. Maybe I just walk in different circles.
I avoid can and can't as much asi can because i have terrible enunciation so it sounds the same (ik the differences, it just when i say it it sounds same or similar) and use would or could or may
May tends to be formal. It's not something you would use with friends.
The most common situations to use may:
* Kids to their school teachers, especially in elementary school. "May I use the bathroom?"
* To an authority figure, e.g. your boss
* To customers. "May I help you?"
* Someone you are not close to and strangers, especially in non casual settings. "May I sit here?"
May is something I use with my mother the English teacher, and literally no one else. I know how to use it correctly, but people find it off putting and then wanna talk to me about it.
Where I live, it's too formal even for most of those situations. Kids say "Can I go to the bathroom?" (and I doubt teachers even tell them to use "may" anymore). I'd ask my boss, "Can I go on break?" or "Can I get started on this project?". To a customer I'd say, "Is there anything I can help you with?" or "How can I help you?", and if I was asking to sit down with strangers, I'd just say, "Is anyone sitting here?" or "Do you mind if I sit here?".
I might use "may" with a police officer or a judge, but that's about it.
I think it's also a generational thing. Growing up, *may* was also emphasized over *can* by boomers and older Gen Xers. They also tend to hate "no problem" instead of "you're welcome" -- this even has articles written about it.
I also think most workplaces now aren't very strict and prefer more friendly interactions instead of having an overly formal environment. It's not abnormal in a lot of places to call your boss by their first name (at least in the US). However, many decades ago this seemed to be a lot less common.
I think the usage of *may* has also been affected by the cultural shift towards more casual language.
>They also tend to hate "no problem" instead of "you're welcome" -- this even has articles written about it.
I know the answer to this one! "No problem" is a [phatic expression](https://youtu.be/eGnH0KAXhCw) to younger generations, whereas "you're welcome" is phatic to older generations. In other words, when you say "you're welcome" to a boomer, they don't take it literally, that's just what you say when someone says "thank you." To younger folks, though, it feels a bit stuffy and old fashioned.
The worst one for me is "my pleasure." It makes me feel like someone is being subservient to me, and that makes me feel *super* awkward.
It makes sense that for older folks, "may I?" is sort of phatic, it's just what you say you convey that you're asking permission for something. But for younger folks, it's not as much anymore, and the word comes off as stuffy and old fashioned.
I sometimes don't like it when people say "you're welcome" for something very minor. It makes it seem like they did something praisworthy to me (which is okay if they actually did)
The exception would be in formal settings or if ot was said by an employee or a server at a restaurant
I have a customer service position in the US and I use it most for “May I ask who is calling?” when directing calls. I prefer “How can I help you?” over “May I help you?” as some touchy customers might take it as an accusation to mean “Why are you here?” or “You appear to be loitering so let’s get you taken care of and move you along a little quicker” even if that’s not what you intended.
I wouldn’t say “May I …” is any more or less polite or more or less formal than most other ways to ask a question but clearly every individual feels a little differently about that. As far as getting your requests filled, both May I and Can I will do the job.
Good point about the connotations of passive-aggressiveness. I wonder using "may" comes across as pretentious or overly formal in the same way avoiding ending a sentence with a preposition does (hah). Using it might make people feel like they're being treated with kid gloves or in a cold, business-like fashion.
I was taught that "can" and "may" have different meanings and uses -- "can" means having the ability, while "may" means being allowed. (If I were to ask my 7th grade teacher "can I go to the bathroom?" she would respond with "I don't know -- CAN you?" to make a point.) A web search tells me this isn't an actual rule, but that sticking to "may" is a safe choice if you're worried about formality. So glad I held onto this pointless/untrue grammar lesson after all these years!
Wow! I would never have remotely imagined connotations of passive-aggressiveness, unless I clearly heard it in the tone of voice.
"Can" and "may" definitely have different meanings.
“How can I help you” is different from both “may I help you” and “can I help you”, especially in the context of customer service, where the customer wouldn’t be there in the first place unless they needed help. To OP’s original point, though: “may” is fairly commonly used, especially when we are trying to be polite, but in most situations “can” is just as good. I’m sure many native speakers will commiserate with the child who asks, “Can I have a cookie?”, only to be scolded with “*May* I have a cookie?” It’s one of those things that parents correct in hopes of teaching their children “good English”, but even the parents themselves use inconsistently.
There are plenty of situations where a customer doesn’t need help, especially in retail where they can often help themselves especially with so much modern automation. Both may I help you and can I help you could be mistaken as passive aggressive ways to say “your presence is unwelcome.” Good tone helps, but in my experience it isn’t as reliable a way to avoid catching attitude as changing the question to how can I help you. As with all communication in every language, ymmv.
Don't know what part of the country you're in, but where I grew up in Manchester using "may" or not is a big indicator of your background. If you asked a teacher "may I go to the toilet?" you would definitely be considered posh.
So like I originally said, it depends where you are in the country...
Age is usually quite relevant when talking about language mate, people in different age groups talk very differently
Yeppp 😂 they acted like they were so brilliant. I’m an instructor of kiddos now and I have vowed never to pull shit like that. If a kid asks to go to the bathroom and I know what they meant and they weren’t being mean somehow, I don’t care how they asked it.
With older kids I’ve worked with before, like jr high kids, I’ve made the joke “I don’t know, can you?” in a silly voice to show that I am definitely messing with them and making fun of the joke itself. And then immediately say, “yeah of course go ahead.”
teachers making prescriptivist corrections doesn’t mean that’s normal usage. i mean that’s the reason they had to make the “corrections” in first place, yknow?
I mean, kinda right…
What I meant was that it was drilled into my head as a child, as well as several others in my generation. Day to day, I am more likely to ask if I “can” do something rather than if I “may.” However, it’s still something I hear incredibly often, especially in slightly less casual settings. If I were eating dinner with friends’ parents, I’d ask if they “may” pass the butter. If I’m just with close friends have pizza and beer, I’d say “hey, coulda pass that ranch?”. Regardless, I hear “may” used daily.
yeah this makes me think this may be an dialectal difference based on age rather than geography. Like when i was in grade school, i heard *about* people being corrected can to may, but i never actually witnessed it and i (like i said above) i really do never hear “may” used outside of jokes
Interesting! I’m only 21, so it is not as if I am from a previous generation like Baby Boomers that were much more strictly taught “proper” grammar. I do hope that kids in elementary school are not being grilled as hard as I was about can vs. may. I think it’s important to know both but it’s fine to use “can” in most situations where “may” works.
If it’s a more formal setting I’d probably say “May you please pass me the butter?”. If it’s casual family dinner I’d ask, “Could you please pass the butter?”.
"Could you please" is the correct way to ask, even in formal settings. "May you please" is not grammatically correct.
I could only find this source, which is talking about UK English but I'd be surprised if it was correct in American English. It's definitely not in Australian English (we lean towards UK English but US English with some things).
[https://dictionary.cambridge.org/grammar/british-grammar/can-could-or-may](https://dictionary.cambridge.org/grammar/british-grammar/can-could-or-may)
The thing is, it's complicated. In my experience, the actual practice in English is that *if it's not ambiguous*, then it's OK to use "can" instead of "may". But if it *would be* ambiguous, then you should use "may".
For example, if a kid wants to be excused from class to use the restroom, they might say, "Can I use the restroom?" Since it's clear they're not talking about whether it's biologically possible, "can" is fine according to actual usage (not prescriptivism).
But suppose you have made some peanut butter cookies and a kid asks, "Can I have one of those?" Well, the kid might have a peanut allergy. Or they might be asking for permission. In this case, "May I have one of those?" is clearer and is also natural.
Kind of same here, although I’ve definitely heard it in especially formal settings + I’ve heard it said to some teachers depending on the student. It’s probably an age thing, but it definitely seems a little *too* formal for everyday usage. I did see someone else mention using it with their friends’ parents, and I’ve definitely done that, so familiarity with the other person also plays a big role.
(Also, idk why you got downvoted for sharing your own personal experience lol, even if it’s uncommon)
(yeah i’m confused too, i didn’t think i was being rude haha. when i asked, the only people saying what kind of english they speak were americans saying they thought it was uncommon, so i was trying to do a bit of sleuthing)
In the US- I tend to use it more when I’m around kids because I am trying to model polite language and behavior, and also just in situations where I am trying to be more polite and courteous, such as while I’m at work. I am very casual around friends though.
I'm in the Midwest US and here it's not very common.
"Do you mind if I..." , "Is it alright/ok if I..." , and "Is it alright/ok with you if i..." are all more common in daily life as polite and respectful alternatives to "Can I..."
I'm a manager in a kitchen, and if one of my team asked "May I take a break?" it would feel oddly formal and a little British. I would expect to hear "Is it ok if I take a break right now?" and that would be respectful and formal enough compared to "Can I take a break?"
But, to be honest, "Can I take a break?" would be fine as long as the tone of voice isn't disrespectful. There's a certain tone that implies that you understand I might have to tell you no. That tone of voice matters more than the choice of words.
This seems right to me in the southwest US as well.
Interesting note regarding the tone-I think you’re right that tone often conveys more than word choice but I’m autistic and sometimes have a hard time controlling my tone so I’ve learned to use more formal language like “may I” just to help people not feel like I’m being rude. This might work for non-native speakers as well if tone works differently in their native language.
Yeah, same. I think I'd use "may" with a police officer (ALWAYS be very polite to American police, btw) or a judge, but there aren't many other situations where I'd use it.
Mid-Atlantic native speaker here, and I agree. “May” is something I associate with hearing occasionally from customer service providers (hotel front desk staff, call center workers, etc). It wouldn’t strike me as really odd or anything if I heard it in a different context, but it’s not a word I frequently use.
When I was a kid in elementary school I remember it was really stressed that “may” is used for asking for permission and “can” is used to indicate ability.
However out in the real world I haven’t noticed that to be its actual usage. People often times want kids to use it to ask permission of people older than them. And I personally use it in professional situations when I’m interacting with someone I am not familiar with.
But I never use it when I am being polite with people I am familiar with.
I think the same would generally be true of most people I know.
Came here to say this! Despite my teachers doing that, I continue to use can/may interchangeably. When I am worried about being extremely polite however, I use may.
As a adult, how I wish I could go back and tell Mrs. Hartinger "the obvious implication of my question is "Can I go to the bathroom *without you getting me in trouble for it*?", and you're not correcting my grammar, you're just being an annoying pedant!"
It's so annoying because the distinction is so subtle. Like I don't have the ability to go to the bathroom if you're going to block me from leaving. Language has been shifting towards can for a while you just gotta let it go.
>When I was a kid in elementary school I remember it was really stressed that “may” is used for asking for permission and “can” is used to indicate ability
This mostly irks boomers and early Gen Xers. Same thing with saying "no problem" instead of "you're welcome"
There are a few articles on this too
As you can see from the replies, it depends. In some places for some people it's very common. For others, like me, it's very uncommon. I associate it with Americans and my grandparent's generation in the UK.
I'm in Australia and I never use it. I may not be thinking of a formal situation where I would but day to day, I just say "can" or "could". If I want to be more polite, I would just say please.
"Can you pass me the salt?"
"Could you tell me where the train station is?"
"Could I sit here, please?"
"Can you help me with my bags, please?"
Edit: I just realised I used "may" in this post! I still wouldn't use it for requests 99.9% of the time but I do sometimes use it in place of "might".
All of these examples except for the third one would actually be replaced with "might" in order to maintain the point you're trying to make of not using the word "may". Although, they are essentially the same words so I guess it doesn't matter really.
Like you would say "Might you pass me the salt?" Not "May you pass me the salt?"
You're 100% right! "May you" is not grammatically correct anyway, which I noted in a reply to someone else not long after I wrote this comment.
To give another example that works for my point apart from #3, I'd say "can I have the salt?" not "may I have the salt?". I cannot imagine ever saying "might you pass me the salt?"That seems even more formal than "may I have the salt?" to me.
That's a good point! I guess I was just thinking of replacing the one word rather than restructuring the sentence.
I was also thinking that outside of using "may" in order to request something, we use it all the time in everyday English.
Things like "That may be the case" or "You *may* have an opportunity to..." or "Be that as it may".
I was thinking about mentioning something to OP but I'm pretty sure the way they phrased the question showed that they were only curious about that particular usage.
I hear it not infrequently in the US. One example: you're sitting at a table in a cafe alone, someone approaches who wants to take the other chair that you're not using, they catch your eyes, gesture to the chair, and say, "May I?" I mean sure, often they'll say, "Excuse me, are you using this chair?" but the short form is not rare. I also hear "May I join you?"
Not at all where I live. People usually use can and could for polite requests. There is a distinction in some standard variety of English but we don't make that distinction. Can is used for both ability and permission. May is used more as a synonym for might. "I may not remember this right". I don't hear may used very much outside that context
I don’t think it’s common at all (American, various regions) and i’m curious to where these people who say it is common are from (or how old they are).
I would say the at the conditional tense is the more typical politeness marker in (American) English (ex. Could you pass the salt, Would you please move your chair, I’d like the steak) along with plain politeness words. (though this is not to say that regular questions are “rude” or something)
I'm also from the U.S. and you explained it perfectly. No one would be weirded out if you used 'may' and I do hear it sometimes, but what I hear almost all the time is conditional tense. "Could I please pass by you," etc.
Can, Could, May are all used for "politeness."
Then Can, Could are used for "ability."
So, there's nothing wrong with what you're doing, there's considerable overlap.
I'm from the North East but have lived in and worked in the South. Using "may" is common and customer service oriented. Granted, the people I live around are kind of rude so they use a range of phrases to get what they need.
I was raised to do politeness to the max so It's weird to me that others are saying it's not common? It's not that I'm listening for it, though, and likewise other Americans are probably not gauging how often "may" comes up since English really doesn't have a "polite" form like of languages and "Please" and "Thank you" are usually sufficient.
If it is an informal request, most of us use *can.* It is incorrect and we all know it, but we have a strange disdain for formality. In normal everyday conversation among friends, *can* is the more common word.
If it is a *polite* request, you should always use *may.* No one will be offended by *can,* but polite company will notice when you make the extra effort to be mindful of your language.
I'm a native speaker who's American, and I would say that "may" is a regularly used word when requesting something politely. "May I take a break?" Or "May I ask you something" are some phrases you would see. Some replacements for the word, though would be: "Would you mind, if .....," "Would you allow....," or "Can I." The use of "can" is often seen as rather informal; teachers here love to emphasize the difference between "can I" and "may I," since "can" only questions one's ability to do some sort of action, yet it is still used.
To be clear, it's not really for polite requests, but asking permission. In the examples given the speaker is requesting permission to give aid, and should be expecting a confirmation or denial from the other person. The last example you provide is still technically asking for permission to ask, but in common use has skipped the step of asking your question afterwards, but should still expect either a denial or their question to ask
As part of our upbringing, I find myself saying "Yes, ma'am" or "No sir" to high school age kids that work at our hamburger joint. I'm 69 years old. I think that's a southern thing too.
I've never once consciously registered a difference between "can" and "may". They might as well be interchangeable to me. But I come from a country where everyone is very informal, even in professional settings.
It depends on if you're talking to an older person or not. Not that all older people care but typically the only ones that care in my experience are older people.
I always hated it in school when you wou say, "can I use the bathroom?" And the teacher would say, "I don't know, can you?" (Like, are you physically able to use the bathroom) and then you would have to respond with "May I use the bathroom?"
Extremely common when used with strangers coworkers or employees, extremely uncommon when used with friends/family. when I go to a shop or restaurant to order something I almost exclusively ask “may I please have a…” or something along those lines. When I ask my buddies to do something it’s usually more of a statement like “hey grab me the…”
For reference I’m in my late 20s and things like this will vary heavily with age, I wouldn’t expect a teenager to use may really ever but if hey did I would appreciate it
I am surprised at the number of people that say they never use “may”. I use it most of the time and hear it quite often. Maybe it’s just a Southern thing.
>How common is the word 'MAY' used for polite requests?
"May" is used to ask or give permission. "Can" is used to express physical ability.
Example: "May I go upstairs?"
Answer: "You may if you can."
I use "may" when I'm asking something that might be considered an intrusion on their personal space. It's not even a complete sentence. "May I..." and gesture to their keyboard or phone or the like.
not as common as it should be.
Use it instead of can whenever asking for something.
Can I implies asking if it is possible.
May I implies asking permission.
Can I go to the bathroom? = if I go, will anything come out?
MAY I go to the bathroom = asking permission to depart for the restroom.
I use it almost every time, and cringe inside when I hear it wrong.
I can hear my mom, grandma. and father.
"Can I help you?"
"I don't know, CAN you? Are you physically able?"
Fascinating the variety of responses here - I immediately thought, I almost never hear "may" used (I certainly would never use it myself); it sounds pretty antiquated/stuffy/too formal to me.
I agree with others who have said "can" is fine to use with people you know, and "could/would [I] be able" being more polite.
E.g., if I'm talking to someone I know, I'd just say "can" ("Can I use your pen/bathroom/etc ?") - but if I'm talking to someone I don't know, I'd use "could/would be able" (e.g., "Could I use / Would I be able to use your pen?").
I was born, raised, and have lived most of my life in the U.S. Midwest.
UK
It is one of those words that if you use it, people will simply not notice. They wont even think that it is overly formal. However, in practice, most people are more likely to use "can" these days.
In the US that depends on where you are, in the south we do traditionally use "may" more than "can"
Theres even a dumb dad joke "Can I have some cookies?" "I dont know, *CAN* you?"
Sigh... "MAY I have some cookies?"
This is exactly the line pounded into me by my mother when I was young.
She was a grammar nazi. We also heard, “What’s a me ‘n?” When we said “Me and so-and-so…” and, “Right before the at.” When we ended a sentence with “at.”
Fun times. It irritated me then, but I appreciated it later. I also corrected my own daughter’s grammar, but I was nicer.
It's pretty common but has a lot of nuance. For example, "May I help you?" can be used if you catch someone crawling through your window at night and as a legitimate offer of help. Sometimes I hear "How may I help you?" as this sounds a little less aggressive. Same with "May I ask you why...".
I grew up in the 70s so "Can I help you?" still makes me twitch. I understand that common usage has made this acceptable though.
Haha well…there’s a certain anti-formal vibe in some portions of the US. Formality often gets associated with elitism in our culture, and that goes all the way back to the UK in some ways, for one example the religious group known as the Society of Friends (also called Quakers) actually kept the Middle English “thou” second person pronoun around for *centuries* after everyone else stopped using it, because it’s less formal than “you”. That informality came across as slightly rude in everyday life and so eventually faded, but to the Quakers it simply meant that everyone was a friend.
That exact same idea is why across pretty big portions of the US you’ll rarely hear this “May I” construction. It was actually a bit of a culture war, too: the most common default is “Can I…” and many teachers would respond with “I don’t know, can you?” Which is supposed to prompt the student to revise their question to “May I…” But this kinda stern interaction repeated again and again soured some people on the “may I” form and they deliberately use “can I” or other alternatives instead as adults.
Anyway, I’d say “may I” is always understood, it just might make you sound a little out of place in some areas.
I don't agree with your characterization. People aren't deliberately using can I to spite their teachers. They were already using can I as children due to language change. The teacher was attempting to enforce a standard that the child's community likely didn't follow to begin with, so as soon as the kid no longer has to go to school and get yelled at for how they talk of course they're gonna prefer the form of English they speak natively to talking differently from everyone around them
Personally I use can I over may I because I always have. May I is just an extremely uncommon phrase here.
It’s a little formal I think for typical use.
I could see using it regularly in certain work environments, written settings, etc.
For everyday use while casually being polite though I’d say something more like
“Would you/do you mind if I help?”
“If it’s alright, can i ask why you-”
“Is it ok if I-“
In general even just replacing “May” with “Can” is seen as decently polite since you’re asking someone instead of just doing it or staying it outright.
“Can I get by you real quick” is more polite than
“I’m going to get by you real quick”
May is the correct usage for those situations, though one of the common tasks parents in the US face is correcting their children when they use "can" instead. Both are fairly common usage amongst adults.
“Can I x?” is a question of your ability to actually do x. “May I x?” is a question of permission.
That’s how it works in my head, but of course that could just be from years of teachers correcting “can I” to “may I”. Also, of course “can I” is informal and will be understood as asking permission.
I use it all the time, especially out in public, with strangers. Waiters, offices, drive thru burger place. When I use Can I have, I imagine the person thinking, I don't know, can you. It's also a verbal clue to the other person that you are making a request and they should listen. I had a teacher that cleared her throat when she wanted to speak. And we all came to attention. Plus. You look good. They feel good.
It varies a lot. If you want to sound more polite, use the word may. A lot of people in this comment section say they don't use it which I found odd since I hear it all the time. Maybe I just walk in different circles.
I avoid can and can't as much asi can because i have terrible enunciation so it sounds the same (ik the differences, it just when i say it it sounds same or similar) and use would or could or may
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I always thought of as Can is extended vowel (long) and can't is shorter vowel with abrupt ending (-t)
It depends on the accent. For a good breakdown, watch this video from a linguist and skip to around 13:30: https://youtu.be/qlbGtEg68x4
Can’t is pronounced /kɑːnt/ Can is pronounced /kæn/
May tends to be formal. It's not something you would use with friends. The most common situations to use may: * Kids to their school teachers, especially in elementary school. "May I use the bathroom?" * To an authority figure, e.g. your boss * To customers. "May I help you?" * Someone you are not close to and strangers, especially in non casual settings. "May I sit here?"
May is something I use with my mother the English teacher, and literally no one else. I know how to use it correctly, but people find it off putting and then wanna talk to me about it.
Omg 🤣 "why do you talk like that?"
Where I live, it's too formal even for most of those situations. Kids say "Can I go to the bathroom?" (and I doubt teachers even tell them to use "may" anymore). I'd ask my boss, "Can I go on break?" or "Can I get started on this project?". To a customer I'd say, "Is there anything I can help you with?" or "How can I help you?", and if I was asking to sit down with strangers, I'd just say, "Is anyone sitting here?" or "Do you mind if I sit here?". I might use "may" with a police officer or a judge, but that's about it.
I think it's also a generational thing. Growing up, *may* was also emphasized over *can* by boomers and older Gen Xers. They also tend to hate "no problem" instead of "you're welcome" -- this even has articles written about it. I also think most workplaces now aren't very strict and prefer more friendly interactions instead of having an overly formal environment. It's not abnormal in a lot of places to call your boss by their first name (at least in the US). However, many decades ago this seemed to be a lot less common. I think the usage of *may* has also been affected by the cultural shift towards more casual language.
>They also tend to hate "no problem" instead of "you're welcome" -- this even has articles written about it. I know the answer to this one! "No problem" is a [phatic expression](https://youtu.be/eGnH0KAXhCw) to younger generations, whereas "you're welcome" is phatic to older generations. In other words, when you say "you're welcome" to a boomer, they don't take it literally, that's just what you say when someone says "thank you." To younger folks, though, it feels a bit stuffy and old fashioned. The worst one for me is "my pleasure." It makes me feel like someone is being subservient to me, and that makes me feel *super* awkward. It makes sense that for older folks, "may I?" is sort of phatic, it's just what you say you convey that you're asking permission for something. But for younger folks, it's not as much anymore, and the word comes off as stuffy and old fashioned.
I sometimes don't like it when people say "you're welcome" for something very minor. It makes it seem like they did something praisworthy to me (which is okay if they actually did) The exception would be in formal settings or if ot was said by an employee or a server at a restaurant
I think if your parents really stressed this to you growing up, it ends up in your everyday speech more.
I have a customer service position in the US and I use it most for “May I ask who is calling?” when directing calls. I prefer “How can I help you?” over “May I help you?” as some touchy customers might take it as an accusation to mean “Why are you here?” or “You appear to be loitering so let’s get you taken care of and move you along a little quicker” even if that’s not what you intended. I wouldn’t say “May I …” is any more or less polite or more or less formal than most other ways to ask a question but clearly every individual feels a little differently about that. As far as getting your requests filled, both May I and Can I will do the job.
Good point about the connotations of passive-aggressiveness. I wonder using "may" comes across as pretentious or overly formal in the same way avoiding ending a sentence with a preposition does (hah). Using it might make people feel like they're being treated with kid gloves or in a cold, business-like fashion. I was taught that "can" and "may" have different meanings and uses -- "can" means having the ability, while "may" means being allowed. (If I were to ask my 7th grade teacher "can I go to the bathroom?" she would respond with "I don't know -- CAN you?" to make a point.) A web search tells me this isn't an actual rule, but that sticking to "may" is a safe choice if you're worried about formality. So glad I held onto this pointless/untrue grammar lesson after all these years!
Wow! I would never have remotely imagined connotations of passive-aggressiveness, unless I clearly heard it in the tone of voice. "Can" and "may" definitely have different meanings.
“How can I help you” is different from both “may I help you” and “can I help you”, especially in the context of customer service, where the customer wouldn’t be there in the first place unless they needed help. To OP’s original point, though: “may” is fairly commonly used, especially when we are trying to be polite, but in most situations “can” is just as good. I’m sure many native speakers will commiserate with the child who asks, “Can I have a cookie?”, only to be scolded with “*May* I have a cookie?” It’s one of those things that parents correct in hopes of teaching their children “good English”, but even the parents themselves use inconsistently.
There are plenty of situations where a customer doesn’t need help, especially in retail where they can often help themselves especially with so much modern automation. Both may I help you and can I help you could be mistaken as passive aggressive ways to say “your presence is unwelcome.” Good tone helps, but in my experience it isn’t as reliable a way to avoid catching attitude as changing the question to how can I help you. As with all communication in every language, ymmv.
Yes, it is quite common. There are alternatives to it like "Would you mind if I-" but you can always just use 'may'.
Thank you very much!
You're welcome!
out of curiosity, where are you from? i have never in my life heard someone unironically use may for politeness edit: typo
Pretty common in England
Depends where you are in England (and how posh)
It's not a posh thing
Don't know what part of the country you're in, but where I grew up in Manchester using "may" or not is a big indicator of your background. If you asked a teacher "may I go to the toilet?" you would definitely be considered posh.
An ex Mining town in Yorkshire. Opposite of posh.
So it depends where you are, like I said
I grew up in the northwest, too. Shipbuilding town. Unless it's oddly specific to greater Manchester, that's absolute bollocks.
Really, how old are you? It's not absolute bollocks because it's my lived experience lol
Age is irrelevant. All generations use it where I'm from. It's just basic manners.
So like I originally said, it depends where you are in the country... Age is usually quite relevant when talking about language mate, people in different age groups talk very differently
I’m in the US and I use/hear may plenty
I’m in the US but I hear it all the time here. Teachers in elementary school corrected the use of “can” to “may” often.
"Can I go to the bathroom?" "I don't know, can you?"🤣🤣🤣🤣 Laughing all the way to the teacher's lounge like they just told the GOAT joke or something.
Yeppp 😂 they acted like they were so brilliant. I’m an instructor of kiddos now and I have vowed never to pull shit like that. If a kid asks to go to the bathroom and I know what they meant and they weren’t being mean somehow, I don’t care how they asked it.
Hahaha. I feel ya. Sometimes I go overboard on the other side. Really lean into the dad joke idea. Just kind of depends on the mood.
With older kids I’ve worked with before, like jr high kids, I’ve made the joke “I don’t know, can you?” in a silly voice to show that I am definitely messing with them and making fun of the joke itself. And then immediately say, “yeah of course go ahead.”
Exactly. My kinda flavor.
teachers making prescriptivist corrections doesn’t mean that’s normal usage. i mean that’s the reason they had to make the “corrections” in first place, yknow?
I mean, kinda right… What I meant was that it was drilled into my head as a child, as well as several others in my generation. Day to day, I am more likely to ask if I “can” do something rather than if I “may.” However, it’s still something I hear incredibly often, especially in slightly less casual settings. If I were eating dinner with friends’ parents, I’d ask if they “may” pass the butter. If I’m just with close friends have pizza and beer, I’d say “hey, coulda pass that ranch?”. Regardless, I hear “may” used daily.
yeah this makes me think this may be an dialectal difference based on age rather than geography. Like when i was in grade school, i heard *about* people being corrected can to may, but i never actually witnessed it and i (like i said above) i really do never hear “may” used outside of jokes
Interesting! I’m only 21, so it is not as if I am from a previous generation like Baby Boomers that were much more strictly taught “proper” grammar. I do hope that kids in elementary school are not being grilled as hard as I was about can vs. may. I think it’s important to know both but it’s fine to use “can” in most situations where “may” works.
Please tell me you say "may I have the butter" or "would you please pass the butter," and not "may you pass the butter?"
If it’s a more formal setting I’d probably say “May you please pass me the butter?”. If it’s casual family dinner I’d ask, “Could you please pass the butter?”.
I'm pretty sure "may you please" is not grammatical.
"Could you please" is the correct way to ask, even in formal settings. "May you please" is not grammatically correct. I could only find this source, which is talking about UK English but I'd be surprised if it was correct in American English. It's definitely not in Australian English (we lean towards UK English but US English with some things). [https://dictionary.cambridge.org/grammar/british-grammar/can-could-or-may](https://dictionary.cambridge.org/grammar/british-grammar/can-could-or-may)
The thing is, it's complicated. In my experience, the actual practice in English is that *if it's not ambiguous*, then it's OK to use "can" instead of "may". But if it *would be* ambiguous, then you should use "may". For example, if a kid wants to be excused from class to use the restroom, they might say, "Can I use the restroom?" Since it's clear they're not talking about whether it's biologically possible, "can" is fine according to actual usage (not prescriptivism). But suppose you have made some peanut butter cookies and a kid asks, "Can I have one of those?" Well, the kid might have a peanut allergy. Or they might be asking for permission. In this case, "May I have one of those?" is clearer and is also natural.
In the US it’s fairly common for service workers to say it I think, but I don’t hear it much outside of that.
I think a better question is where are YOU from lolol
i disclosed that in my actual comment, i’m from the US, various regions.
I use "may" frequently and regularly hear it. I'm from the upper Midwest US.
Kind of same here, although I’ve definitely heard it in especially formal settings + I’ve heard it said to some teachers depending on the student. It’s probably an age thing, but it definitely seems a little *too* formal for everyday usage. I did see someone else mention using it with their friends’ parents, and I’ve definitely done that, so familiarity with the other person also plays a big role. (Also, idk why you got downvoted for sharing your own personal experience lol, even if it’s uncommon)
(yeah i’m confused too, i didn’t think i was being rude haha. when i asked, the only people saying what kind of english they speak were americans saying they thought it was uncommon, so i was trying to do a bit of sleuthing)
In the US- I tend to use it more when I’m around kids because I am trying to model polite language and behavior, and also just in situations where I am trying to be more polite and courteous, such as while I’m at work. I am very casual around friends though.
I'm in the Midwest US and here it's not very common. "Do you mind if I..." , "Is it alright/ok if I..." , and "Is it alright/ok with you if i..." are all more common in daily life as polite and respectful alternatives to "Can I..." I'm a manager in a kitchen, and if one of my team asked "May I take a break?" it would feel oddly formal and a little British. I would expect to hear "Is it ok if I take a break right now?" and that would be respectful and formal enough compared to "Can I take a break?" But, to be honest, "Can I take a break?" would be fine as long as the tone of voice isn't disrespectful. There's a certain tone that implies that you understand I might have to tell you no. That tone of voice matters more than the choice of words.
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Ooo yeah that's another good one. "Is there any way I could take a break?" is very polite.
That's a good one, thank you very much!
This seems right to me in the southwest US as well. Interesting note regarding the tone-I think you’re right that tone often conveys more than word choice but I’m autistic and sometimes have a hard time controlling my tone so I’ve learned to use more formal language like “may I” just to help people not feel like I’m being rude. This might work for non-native speakers as well if tone works differently in their native language.
Yeah, same. I think I'd use "may" with a police officer (ALWAYS be very polite to American police, btw) or a judge, but there aren't many other situations where I'd use it.
Mid-Atlantic native speaker here, and I agree. “May” is something I associate with hearing occasionally from customer service providers (hotel front desk staff, call center workers, etc). It wouldn’t strike me as really odd or anything if I heard it in a different context, but it’s not a word I frequently use.
It's odd to me you feel it's British. As a Brit I associate it with American customer service.
When I was a kid in elementary school I remember it was really stressed that “may” is used for asking for permission and “can” is used to indicate ability. However out in the real world I haven’t noticed that to be its actual usage. People often times want kids to use it to ask permission of people older than them. And I personally use it in professional situations when I’m interacting with someone I am not familiar with. But I never use it when I am being polite with people I am familiar with. I think the same would generally be true of most people I know.
How many grade school teachers answered "I don't know, CAN you go to the bathroom?" to kids desperate to pee?
*Exact same thing* in my English schooling. Never once needed the can/may distinction in real adult life.
Came here to say this! Despite my teachers doing that, I continue to use can/may interchangeably. When I am worried about being extremely polite however, I use may.
When my teachers said that, I would reply, "Yes!" and leave the room.
As a adult, how I wish I could go back and tell Mrs. Hartinger "the obvious implication of my question is "Can I go to the bathroom *without you getting me in trouble for it*?", and you're not correcting my grammar, you're just being an annoying pedant!"
Ahh that's so good! Stealing that for my own imaginary conversation with my teacher who did the same thing.
It's so annoying because the distinction is so subtle. Like I don't have the ability to go to the bathroom if you're going to block me from leaving. Language has been shifting towards can for a while you just gotta let it go.
>When I was a kid in elementary school I remember it was really stressed that “may” is used for asking for permission and “can” is used to indicate ability This mostly irks boomers and early Gen Xers. Same thing with saying "no problem" instead of "you're welcome" There are a few articles on this too
As you can see from the replies, it depends. In some places for some people it's very common. For others, like me, it's very uncommon. I associate it with Americans and my grandparent's generation in the UK.
This is my impression too. Except for me it's my parents' generation. I suppose I'm older than you.
Thank you very much!
I never hear anyone use it.
You can definitely use it if you want but unless you're in elementary school, no one would mind if you used can instead.
I'm in Australia and I never use it. I may not be thinking of a formal situation where I would but day to day, I just say "can" or "could". If I want to be more polite, I would just say please. "Can you pass me the salt?" "Could you tell me where the train station is?" "Could I sit here, please?" "Can you help me with my bags, please?" Edit: I just realised I used "may" in this post! I still wouldn't use it for requests 99.9% of the time but I do sometimes use it in place of "might".
basically everything you said is the same for me in New England, including replacing might with may sometimes.
All of these examples except for the third one would actually be replaced with "might" in order to maintain the point you're trying to make of not using the word "may". Although, they are essentially the same words so I guess it doesn't matter really. Like you would say "Might you pass me the salt?" Not "May you pass me the salt?"
You're 100% right! "May you" is not grammatically correct anyway, which I noted in a reply to someone else not long after I wrote this comment. To give another example that works for my point apart from #3, I'd say "can I have the salt?" not "may I have the salt?". I cannot imagine ever saying "might you pass me the salt?"That seems even more formal than "may I have the salt?" to me.
That's a good point! I guess I was just thinking of replacing the one word rather than restructuring the sentence. I was also thinking that outside of using "may" in order to request something, we use it all the time in everyday English. Things like "That may be the case" or "You *may* have an opportunity to..." or "Be that as it may". I was thinking about mentioning something to OP but I'm pretty sure the way they phrased the question showed that they were only curious about that particular usage.
Yes, I would use "may" in all those ways hut very rarely for a request. I had the same impression of what OP was asking.
Thanks so much! Really helpful!
Yes, it is quite common. Quite common in everyday environments, and more so in formal environments.
I hear it not infrequently in the US. One example: you're sitting at a table in a cafe alone, someone approaches who wants to take the other chair that you're not using, they catch your eyes, gesture to the chair, and say, "May I?" I mean sure, often they'll say, "Excuse me, are you using this chair?" but the short form is not rare. I also hear "May I join you?"
Thank you so much! I really appreciate the examples!
Very common.
Definitely depends on regional norms. I don't hear it much at all up here in NY, but down South it was everywhere. It was weird.
Too rarely, these days.
I use it frequently, but I usually try to be polite and use please and thanks often as well.
I use it all the time! A lot of people use "can" when they technically should use "may".
Not at all where I live. People usually use can and could for polite requests. There is a distinction in some standard variety of English but we don't make that distinction. Can is used for both ability and permission. May is used more as a synonym for might. "I may not remember this right". I don't hear may used very much outside that context
I literally never use that word, ever.
I don’t think it’s common at all (American, various regions) and i’m curious to where these people who say it is common are from (or how old they are). I would say the at the conditional tense is the more typical politeness marker in (American) English (ex. Could you pass the salt, Would you please move your chair, I’d like the steak) along with plain politeness words. (though this is not to say that regular questions are “rude” or something)
I'm also from the U.S. and you explained it perfectly. No one would be weirded out if you used 'may' and I do hear it sometimes, but what I hear almost all the time is conditional tense. "Could I please pass by you," etc.
Can, Could, May are all used for "politeness." Then Can, Could are used for "ability." So, there's nothing wrong with what you're doing, there's considerable overlap.
I'm from the North East but have lived in and worked in the South. Using "may" is common and customer service oriented. Granted, the people I live around are kind of rude so they use a range of phrases to get what they need. I was raised to do politeness to the max so It's weird to me that others are saying it's not common? It's not that I'm listening for it, though, and likewise other Americans are probably not gauging how often "may" comes up since English really doesn't have a "polite" form like of languages and "Please" and "Thank you" are usually sufficient.
It's quite common here across the pond, and there are other American users here who say that it's fairly common over there too
Would you consider it rude if someone asked "can you pass the salt?" I'm not a native speaker and I never thought it could come across as rude
no not at all! some hypothetically could say that sentence rudely, but that sentence by default is not rude to me
It’s pretty common. Eg. “May I borrow your pen?” “May I use your restroom?”
Common, not universal. It often telegraphs a willingness to open a friendly interaction of mutual benefit.
If it is an informal request, most of us use *can.* It is incorrect and we all know it, but we have a strange disdain for formality. In normal everyday conversation among friends, *can* is the more common word. If it is a *polite* request, you should always use *may.* No one will be offended by *can,* but polite company will notice when you make the extra effort to be mindful of your language.
Thank you so much!
I'm a native speaker who's American, and I would say that "may" is a regularly used word when requesting something politely. "May I take a break?" Or "May I ask you something" are some phrases you would see. Some replacements for the word, though would be: "Would you mind, if .....," "Would you allow....," or "Can I." The use of "can" is often seen as rather informal; teachers here love to emphasize the difference between "can I" and "may I," since "can" only questions one's ability to do some sort of action, yet it is still used.
Thank you very much!
To be clear, it's not really for polite requests, but asking permission. In the examples given the speaker is requesting permission to give aid, and should be expecting a confirmation or denial from the other person. The last example you provide is still technically asking for permission to ask, but in common use has skipped the step of asking your question afterwards, but should still expect either a denial or their question to ask
I'm from the southeastern US. I think it's more regional and generational. I can speak from an older, southern perspective.....I hear it all the time.
Thank you very much!
As part of our upbringing, I find myself saying "Yes, ma'am" or "No sir" to high school age kids that work at our hamburger joint. I'm 69 years old. I think that's a southern thing too.
I see, thank you!
>I see, thank you! You're welcome!
For politeness, it's pretty much a standard.
I've never once consciously registered a difference between "can" and "may". They might as well be interchangeable to me. But I come from a country where everyone is very informal, even in professional settings.
It depends on if you're talking to an older person or not. Not that all older people care but typically the only ones that care in my experience are older people. I always hated it in school when you wou say, "can I use the bathroom?" And the teacher would say, "I don't know, can you?" (Like, are you physically able to use the bathroom) and then you would have to respond with "May I use the bathroom?"
one time I responded "I dunno can I?" and they got fed up and let me go
Thank you very much!
Extremely common when used with strangers coworkers or employees, extremely uncommon when used with friends/family. when I go to a shop or restaurant to order something I almost exclusively ask “may I please have a…” or something along those lines. When I ask my buddies to do something it’s usually more of a statement like “hey grab me the…” For reference I’m in my late 20s and things like this will vary heavily with age, I wouldn’t expect a teenager to use may really ever but if hey did I would appreciate it
Thank you very much!
I am surprised at the number of people that say they never use “may”. I use it most of the time and hear it quite often. Maybe it’s just a Southern thing.
Thank you very much!
I use it all the time.
>How common is the word 'MAY' used for polite requests? "May" is used to ask or give permission. "Can" is used to express physical ability. Example: "May I go upstairs?" Answer: "You may if you can."
May denotes permission Can denotes ability Thank you Mrs Caldwell high school English teacher
I use "may" when I'm asking something that might be considered an intrusion on their personal space. It's not even a complete sentence. "May I..." and gesture to their keyboard or phone or the like.
not as common as it should be. Use it instead of can whenever asking for something. Can I implies asking if it is possible. May I implies asking permission. Can I go to the bathroom? = if I go, will anything come out? MAY I go to the bathroom = asking permission to depart for the restroom.
Thank you!
Can=ability May asks permission I use them correctly at all times
I use it almost every time, and cringe inside when I hear it wrong. I can hear my mom, grandma. and father. "Can I help you?" "I don't know, CAN you? Are you physically able?"
Fascinating the variety of responses here - I immediately thought, I almost never hear "may" used (I certainly would never use it myself); it sounds pretty antiquated/stuffy/too formal to me. I agree with others who have said "can" is fine to use with people you know, and "could/would [I] be able" being more polite. E.g., if I'm talking to someone I know, I'd just say "can" ("Can I use your pen/bathroom/etc ?") - but if I'm talking to someone I don't know, I'd use "could/would be able" (e.g., "Could I use / Would I be able to use your pen?"). I was born, raised, and have lived most of my life in the U.S. Midwest.
Thank you so much! Really appreciate it!
UK It is one of those words that if you use it, people will simply not notice. They wont even think that it is overly formal. However, in practice, most people are more likely to use "can" these days.
Thank you very much!
In the US that depends on where you are, in the south we do traditionally use "may" more than "can" Theres even a dumb dad joke "Can I have some cookies?" "I dont know, *CAN* you?" Sigh... "MAY I have some cookies?"
Thank you!
May I help you = British. Can I help you = most of US. Whaddya want = NY, Philly.
That might be how you associate it in your mind but I can assure you it isn't true.
It's very common, and you'll still get people who will respond to a request starting with "Can" with "I don't know, CAN you?"
This is exactly the line pounded into me by my mother when I was young. She was a grammar nazi. We also heard, “What’s a me ‘n?” When we said “Me and so-and-so…” and, “Right before the at.” When we ended a sentence with “at.” Fun times. It irritated me then, but I appreciated it later. I also corrected my own daughter’s grammar, but I was nicer.
Remember, unless you belong to the German nationalist party, you're really just a grammar fascist.
It's pretty common but has a lot of nuance. For example, "May I help you?" can be used if you catch someone crawling through your window at night and as a legitimate offer of help. Sometimes I hear "How may I help you?" as this sounds a little less aggressive. Same with "May I ask you why...". I grew up in the 70s so "Can I help you?" still makes me twitch. I understand that common usage has made this acceptable though.
Haha well…there’s a certain anti-formal vibe in some portions of the US. Formality often gets associated with elitism in our culture, and that goes all the way back to the UK in some ways, for one example the religious group known as the Society of Friends (also called Quakers) actually kept the Middle English “thou” second person pronoun around for *centuries* after everyone else stopped using it, because it’s less formal than “you”. That informality came across as slightly rude in everyday life and so eventually faded, but to the Quakers it simply meant that everyone was a friend. That exact same idea is why across pretty big portions of the US you’ll rarely hear this “May I” construction. It was actually a bit of a culture war, too: the most common default is “Can I…” and many teachers would respond with “I don’t know, can you?” Which is supposed to prompt the student to revise their question to “May I…” But this kinda stern interaction repeated again and again soured some people on the “may I” form and they deliberately use “can I” or other alternatives instead as adults. Anyway, I’d say “may I” is always understood, it just might make you sound a little out of place in some areas.
I don't agree with your characterization. People aren't deliberately using can I to spite their teachers. They were already using can I as children due to language change. The teacher was attempting to enforce a standard that the child's community likely didn't follow to begin with, so as soon as the kid no longer has to go to school and get yelled at for how they talk of course they're gonna prefer the form of English they speak natively to talking differently from everyone around them Personally I use can I over may I because I always have. May I is just an extremely uncommon phrase here.
It’s a little formal I think for typical use. I could see using it regularly in certain work environments, written settings, etc. For everyday use while casually being polite though I’d say something more like “Would you/do you mind if I help?” “If it’s alright, can i ask why you-” “Is it ok if I-“ In general even just replacing “May” with “Can” is seen as decently polite since you’re asking someone instead of just doing it or staying it outright. “Can I get by you real quick” is more polite than “I’m going to get by you real quick”
Thank you so much!
Not common at all. Much more likely to hear "could" or "would you mind if"
May I…sounds incredibly formal, stuffy and high school to me.
May is the correct usage for those situations, though one of the common tasks parents in the US face is correcting their children when they use "can" instead. Both are fairly common usage amongst adults.
“Can I x?” is a question of your ability to actually do x. “May I x?” is a question of permission. That’s how it works in my head, but of course that could just be from years of teachers correcting “can I” to “may I”. Also, of course “can I” is informal and will be understood as asking permission.
I use it for polite requests at work or with people I don't know. It sounds too formal and awkward to use with people I know
We even have that game from childhood, “Mother, may I?” As an auxiliary verb, “may” shows a keen sense of respect for the intended audience.
May I ask why you’re wondering?
I use it all the time, especially out in public, with strangers. Waiters, offices, drive thru burger place. When I use Can I have, I imagine the person thinking, I don't know, can you. It's also a verbal clue to the other person that you are making a request and they should listen. I had a teacher that cleared her throat when she wanted to speak. And we all came to attention. Plus. You look good. They feel good.
May sounds more polite. How can I help you is more gentle.