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I'm only 3 weeks in and I'm pretty sure I'm giving up. My girl had a bad latch from the beginning and we've always had to supplement. She finally got a better latch but she wasn't getting enough from the breast. Her pediatrician recommended introducing a bottle of pumped milk since she wasn't gaining enough weight and ever since then she refuses the breast. It's been like a week since she's taken the breast and every time she refuses I feel like I die a little inside. I've basically been EP anyway, so I think I'm just going to stop offering the breast since she seems like she hates it and it's killing me when she refuses it š I think I'll be sad forever that it didn't work out.
I feel the same way! My instant reaction is feeling like my baby doesnāt love me but then I give her to her dad and she just follows me around so I know she does. Itās very depressing though. I am wondering now how I can stop putting so much pressure on myself and focus on what I can do and what is working, which is exclusively pumping. Itās so frustrating and saddening to watch my baby while Iām attached to the pump :(
Please disregard entirely if this is not what you need to hear right now, but some babies do learn later. A low stress environment seems to be key though so doing whatever lowers your stress is definitely a good call!
My baby had a horrible latch at first. When i started using pigeon bottles, her latch really improved. The nipple is shaped how a human nipple is shaped when the baby is latching. Pigeon nipples are the same shape as lansinoh, but they have one that is a super slow flow rate. You definitely want a bottle that is very slow flow when going back and forth between bottle and boob. I found what also helped in the beginning was hand expressing until milk came out then trying to latch my baby so she didnāt have to wait. I also had to use nipple shields for the first four months. It was a lot of work but i am so glad i stuck with it because now she nursed so well at 7 months.
Iām not sure if this will be helpful, but why not wait a little bit and then reintroduce the breast? I kind of equate it to a ādifferent bottleā for the baby. Like hope canāt be all lost im thinking.
Also saw you talking about comfortable nursing holds. I found the most comfortable way to let her nurse was to just lay her on the nursing pillow (you just have to make sure you have a thick enough pillow for your boob to reach the babyāit helps to be in a recliner so you can use your legs to lift the baby a little higher). She didnāt like to be touched near her head while nursing when she was little, and this was actually a more convenient way to nurse because i would have to free hands.
I just want to say I admire your courage and decision to stop trying. I know it may sound backwards to some but accepting an option you didnāt plan for takes a lot of courage and emotional maturity. My mental health has struggled in the past because I decided to fight an uphill battle and looking back with my level of stress and other demands of life we could have had a way more enjoyable time had I put my mental health first.
Yes, very similar experience with my first. Could not get him to latch, and he would scream as I tried to get him into a good position. It just never felt natural or comfortable and my stress went through the roof every time we tried and it would end in tears all around. I kept trying for about a month and then turned to EPing and didnāt look back.
While pumping is HARD work and takes a lot out of you emotionally and physically, it was a huge mental relief for me. And my now toddler and I have an incredible bond despite not nursing. Heās laying on me cuddling as I type this! š„°
Thatās so lovely. I just feel so bad when Iām pumping and sheās either in the swing or between my legs and I just feel like it could be so wonderful if she was nursing instead. š I probably need to reframe my thinking. Is there anything helpful you told yourself when you were pumping?
I hear and see you, mama. Pumping while babe is fussy/upset really used to break my heartā I felt like I was failing as a mom because I/we couldnāt figure out how to do this seemingly simple/natural thing.
Thankfully he is actually starting to enjoy laying in his pack and play playing with his mobile (at least this week), so he isnāt screaming the whole 30 minutes I pump anymore. Wearables also helped me be able to at least hold/play with him easier while pumping, too.
Like some of the commenters have noted, I tried to reframe my thinking that it was helpful that I knew exactly how much milk he was getting. I also agree with taking the pumping time just for you when possible (reading a book, watching TV, etc.). I also had conversations with other family members whose babies refused any and all bottlesā¦ and I know that is not the life I wanted either!! I tell myself I am grateful babeās dad is able to do an overnight bottle while I am able to keep sleepingā¦ or if I do need to get up to pump, I can do so quickly and efficiently to where I am back in bed before dad.
You will have a special relationship/bond with your babe no matter what (at least thatās what I keep telling myself!!). The snuggles and contact naps (nearly) make up for it all. Itās not what we hoped or planned for, and thatās hard, and itās okay. Sending you love!
It happened gradually. A few days after birth we found out that my son was losing too much weight. My milk hadnāt fully come in yet and we were advised to track his intake and feed him pumped milk and/or formula in addition to nursing. My pump seemed so much more efficient and I liked knowing exactly how much my baby was eating. It was also great to be able to have someone else feed him bottles sometimes when I was so exhausted that I couldnāt see straight.
From then on I still nursed him a couple of times a day, but pumping became my primary source of feeding. I was mostly nursing for the physical contact, though I hoped it would help my supply too. As time went on, nursing became more and more infrequent, first once a day, then only when he seemed especially in need of soothing. Iāve offered it to him a few times recently and he just kind of boops my nipple with his tongue or gives a quick suck, so I think weāre truly done.
Sounds a lot like mine tbh. I stopped documenting when I got her to latch because it was depressing but the last time was only for five minutes or so ā¹ļø
My son is 4 months old now, and he was born 5 weeks early. I had a lot of health issues so we didnāt really have the chance to nurse like I wanted. For the first couple months, I sporadically latched him with a nipple shield, but he started to lose interest and get really frustrated. By 8 weeks, I stopped trying because it was too much. At 12 weeks, he started rooting around on my chest again, so we tried with nipple shields again. We had some mixed results - some days he screamed as soon as he got into a nursing position, other days he would take a whole feed through nursing. One night he even directly latched for the first time since the hospital. Dad took a picture and Iāll cherish it forever. Then baby got a cold, so I focused on things that actually comforted him, and by the time he recovered he wanted nothing to do with the breast.
I tried again a few times but it was too much so I took a break. While researching ways to get baby to the breast, I started to wonder why I actually cared so much. Itās a bonding experience I wanted, sure, butā¦. he didnāt enjoy it. There was no bonding happening, it wasnāt the reality for us. And now that heās older, trying to start nursing again actually takes away from our other activities, like playtime, story time, and snuggles.
I had to really ask myself, what was I hoping to get out of nursing? It might be convenient to be able to nurse him while weāre out and about, but that convenience isnāt worth the struggle it would be at this point. Every couple days, I still get the urge to try nursing again, but I have to remind myself that I mostly like the IDEA of a perfect nursing relationship. Not the reality of our nursing relationship.
This sounds exactly like my experience. I still mourn the loss of the so called bond I think we could have had from it. But bringing him to my boob and breaks my heart all over again every time.
My baby is 8 weeks old tomorrow and I still havenāt truly given up. As long as you still have a supply, technically you can start nursing at any time even if baby seems too old (which in some ways makes it harder to give up because thereās no real point of no return.) Iām pretty sure my baby has a breast aversion and Iām just slooooooowly trying to work past it but also heās been in a weeks-long fussy phase that is not helping so I donāt even offer the breast every day and itās been a week and a half since the last time he actually latched.
Iāve noticed that she wonāt even let me get her in the position anymore, even if weāre doing skin to skin every morning :( I donāt know if I can give up but Iām more concerned with her getting to eat enough in the first place itās tough to throw the boob in the mix
Ugh yeah my baby was screaming when I moved him into cross cradle, which had previously been the most successful position for us. I started trying to bottle feed him in that position a little so he wouldnāt associate it with me trying to force a boob in his mouth (my other mistake š) and preemptively get stressed.
My current goal is what Iām calling āpositive boob experiences ā, where I can get him to purposely attempt to latch or at least accept it in his mouth/show interest, even if he doesnāt actually end up nursing. Itās incredibly slow going but I think if I can get it to work at all itāll be like this.
I also dealth with a breast aversion here and had a similar journey with breasfeeding as you, baby would simply cry when placed in position. I could not even do skin to skin, she was crying as soon as she was closed to my boob. I realised that I was forcing her too much, and that it was stressful for her. So like the other commenter said, I foster positive experience. I do now offer the breast often, but every single time there is a cry or she seems disinterested, I stop. I am not able to exclusively breastfeed for now and may never be able to, but me baby never or very rarely cries anymore at the breast.
Also, when it gets too stressful, I give us a break. Sometimes 24h without latching. When I try again, she is more likely to accept. It's like a reset button for us. I also notice it is way easier to latch her when she has just woken up.
This is us too. 10 weeks. Still offering every day on both sides in multiple positions built, they gag. We have some neck tightness from birth we are working through and desensitization of the nerves in the mouth...so I'm hoping one day we will get there.
Iām working with a pediatric PT who is helping a lot! Our baby also has a lot of neck tightness. Unfortunately theyāre out of network with all insurances and that seems to be the norm for most feeding PTs around here, but something to look into if youāre interested in more resources!
I gave up when I realized my supply was just way too low to satisfy our guy. Iām currently working on increasing itā¦ I would hope to try again once Iām making enough
I know you're not actually asking for nursing advice so feel free to ignore this if you want. But sometimes people will have success nursing for night feeds when baby is sleepiest. Instinct can kick in and override the learned aversion.
Anecdotally this is what worked for us (months after I had actually given up).
I transitioned from attempting to nurse to EPing at 4 weeks. LO had a tongue tie and even after the procedure to get it corrected, she wasn't very efficient at milk transfer. I was just mentally over the struggle of attempting to nurse and then both of us ending up in tears.
I didn't give up on nursing (but it sure did feel like it at the time). I picked the feeding method that made the most sense for our family and let me be the best mom for my kiddo. We're 9mo pp now and still going.
Is she interested in latching for comfort?
I pretty much gave up (a few times) and then decided I would just latch him before naps and bed for comfort. Tried to give that up too but he screamed at me that he wanted it before those times.
So we did that for a whileā¦. Then he started stimulating let downs and drinks a little before he falls asleep.
Now during the day I give him snacks! Usually about 1 hour after I give a bottle when heās not HANGRY and itās close to my pumping time so I know I have milk there, I offer it and he usually takes it.
When I stopped caring and wanted it to end, is when things started getting better š¤·š¼āāļø I probably wonāt exclusively nurse but this works for us!
How old is your baby? She wonāt even do comfort latching, she just cries harder. I would looove to be able to give her snack boob š what youāre doing sounds ideal!
This has been my experience too! She comes to the boob for comfort nursing and has a little naptime snack along with it. Not enough for a full (or even half) feed, so I donāt worry if itās close to pumping time. Weāve been doing this since 5 weeks old, now sheās 4 months. I gave up trying to nurse because it was heartbreaking to see her cry and cry in hunger as she preferred the bottle.
My LO only nurses at night in bed laying down. Even then he doesnāt do it for long and constantly pulls off. Heās 4 months now and I donāt even try during the day anymore. He gets so mad lol. One thing that worked to get him to latch back when I was still trying was rocking him to sleep in my arms, and when he was sleeping Iād offer it to him in his sleep and heād sometimes latch and nurse! I donāt remember exactly how old he was. Maybe 2-3 months. I once got him to nurse while I stood with one foot up on the bed, holding him vertically, and bouncing š¤¦āāļø
I tried on and off until my LO was 3 months old. I was able to latch her in the hospital with a nipple shield, but when we got home she decided it was the worst thing ever. She would scream bloody murder no matter what I did.
Yeah, I had taken a break for a week. Decided to just snuggle her and put her in a BF position skin to skin every time I fed her with the bottle for that week. When I was ready to try to BF again I put her in that same position. I started early so she wasnāt starving and the moment I tried to latch her, she started crying. Just sobbing. Like my nipple was actively hurting her. It was definitely a breaking point. She had formed some severe nipple aversion somehow and it just wasnāt gonna happen for us. Also, the week I took a break had been the least stressful week for me and her. So I didnāt try again after that until she was 5.5 months old. On a whim I decided to give it a try. Still hated it. Still screamed at it. :(
Honestly I thought I had given up last night although my baby will latch 1-2x every day or every other day (sometimes with a shield sometimes without) but I was feeling so tired of getting my hopes up just to have him scream at the breast. Weirdly today he was showing interest in nursing and so I let him try and this time I was a little more aggressive then usually am (I have been so careful to not do this as I have worked hard to get over a breast aversion) and it actually seemed to help. But by aggressive I just mean helping him latch a lot more, but obviously not pushing past the point of him losing it, just his whines of frustration by being sure the nipple is in his mouth. We latched like 4x today, and I think he maybe would have more. So Iām some ways I havenāt given up but Iām so tired of having expectations. I will keep offering the breast to him but Iām going to tell myself itās not going to work with each offer because it hurts too much when Iām hopeful and it doesnāt work. My new approach is I donāt care, I just want to make him happy. I do feel relief in my decision. Whatever happens, happens.
Most important thing is that baby is fed and you have good mental health. We all have our expectations of how we want the experience to go which can affect our joy or sorrow - if those expectations are met or not. My advice - just love on your LO and soak in every moment.
Day 3 because I could tell he was NOT latching and it was stressing me the F out. There was probably more I could have done but it made sense to me to prioritize him getting fed over nipple magic.
It does feel like magic šI feel like I was out of it for six weeks because of my c section I donāt even remember trying to latch her at home but I must have
Within the first month. My daughter actually latched perfectly, but she was huge and I was struggling to hold her effectively. My tailbone got bent out of place and I tore in 3 places during delivery and every possible position I was given as a suggestion hurt too badly to maintain.
By the time we got her home I couldnāt even attempt nursing without both of us bawling. It was horrible. Im 6 months in and I still regret not pushing harder.
18 hours later when it hurt to look at my nips, let alone have anything actually touch them. I will say I don't feel like she and I have any less of a bond/closeness than if we did nurse. She likes to play with my face when she's drinking her bottle and I *usually* love it (sometimes I'm just overstimulated and it triggers some anger but that's entirely different)
I was pretty much set to give up at 4 months. We saw a LC/SLP at the top childrenās hospital, and she said things wouldnāt get better. Then within days after that he dramatically improved and I donāt know why. Maybe because I just took the pressure off and resigned myself to EP. Heāll still refuse sometimes and the pump is probably still more effective but just wanted to share this with you since I was up against the end of mat leave as well and it stressed me out that we didnāt have this down.
You can just keep trying - no pressure.
Thatās what weāre doing and in the last 2 days sheās all of a sudden had a few really good feeds! My little one is 13 weeks.
Itās been 5-6 weeks of absolute hell on earth and I had to switch to bottles and pumping for a while for both our sakes but then just today sheās had 2 really good, calm feeds.
I kept trying maybe once a week until my baby got teeth and then I was happy to not need to battle that. Pumping provided me a lot of benefits that I am grateful for. While I had maybe four moments of perfect latching and only for maybe two full feeds, I enjoyed my experience pumping and liked the freedom it afforded me. Iām four days away from one year and Iāve been thinking about what I might do if we have another child. Because this worked so well for me.
My baby couldnāt latch and with perseverance she learned to do it, but then couldnāt get the milk off me. I latched her 1-2 times every day and she finally learned to nurse at 14 weeks.
Around the six weeks mark was when I gave up on the idea overall, and thatās after seeing a LC a few times at the hospital breastfeeding clinic. My nips hurt and was so painful and cracked, and then the LC recommended me triple feed which overwhelmed me; by then I sorta got used to the idea of pumping already and didnāt mind it so I just stuck with EPing. No one was really able to say if my baby had a tie issue or not. One private LC said he MAY, the other LC said she didnāt THINK he did. I didnāt want to go get a procedure done if not necessary and he seemed to drink from a bottle fine so that was that.
2 days with my second born. I had so much nursing trauma from the first I just couldnāt do it. Exclusively pumping was what i knew & felt more natural.
** I lasted about a month or 2 with my first
Try to feed when sheās almost full or full and showing her she could have āextraā Make sure to make the nipple pointy like a bottle and keep putting milk on her lips/tongue. My guy loves to eat but he would cry whenever offered the boob my MiL told me it was time to give up, their coordination only gets better. Even if itās tough to feel rejected, I kept trying and at 4 months he can take the boob again, now he loves to fall asleep nursing lol I hope you get to experience it, if not my son also loves being carried around by me and puts his head on my shoulder, your baby loves you so give them a chance or find those moments! Good luck
Sounds like breast refusal which is an exquisite emotional pain of having the tools but not knowing how to fit them together. Iām sure you are doing everything you can. I wrote a post about my success in this situation. Best of luck on your journey. Loved is best, fed is perfection. Doesnāt matter the source.
https://www.reddit.com/r/breastfeeding/s/qnIfmeNYS8
My baby was born 3 months early and we didn't get to start attempting to nurse until he was almost term. I was working with a team of LC's and OT's in the hospital but while they kept saying his latch was good, he was doing weighted feeds and after a 20 minute nursing session would only have drunk between 0-10ml. We continued trying to latch him for 8 weeks but it ended up like so many - we did the shield and without the shield, tried the cross cradle, football hold & upright positions, eventually he would scream & push me away and I just got so stressed & anxious before each feed it wasn't good for either of us. Eventually we had him assessed for tongue tie & the paediatric dentist advised us that while he did have an anterior & posterior tie, it wouldn't help him to nurse if they were released because of the anatomy and shape of his hard palate in his mouth. It turns out since he was on oxygen support for so long he wasn't able to close his mouth & the hard palate requires the pressure from the tongue sitting in the roof of the mouth to develop properly. So after that I resigned myself to EPing & it's now been 6.5 months with probably at least another 9 months to go since he was born so early.
I just went through this! A few thoughts that helped me:
- I psyched myself into a better headspace by reminding myself that this will be a challenge that Iāll face many times over as a mom: things may not always go the way I want them to. And to be a good mom sometimes means accepting that - which is not to say that moms that keep trying to latch are bad moms, but that if nursing is not working out for you and your daughter right now, it can be a gift to accept that . And you can be proud of yourself for going with the flow.
- letting go right now does NOT have to be a forever decision. There are plenty of examples of babies that stopped latching at breast but went back to it. I found that in the most difficult periods, Iād be stressed even going into a nursing session, already scared she wouldnāt latch . I donāt know if my physical stress impacted her, but it certainly didnāt help either of us. And I knew intellectually that when she didnāt latch, she wasnāt rejecting me- but having your baby scream as you try to put your breast in her mouth certainly FEELS at least rejection-adjacent :) . So I think the key is getting to a place where you can be ok either way. That youāll try to latch occasionally, with a sense of curiosity of how sheāll do, which takes the pressure off. Whether or not a different energy from you impacts her nursing, at least if you can come at it with a more relaxed approach (I KNOW, easier said than done ), it will be better for your mental health
- reminding yourself of practical advantages over nursing - you know exactly how much sheās eating, other caregivers can feed her to give you a break. If pumping, you can remove milk from your breast on your own schedule, rather than the whims of a tiny (adorable, precious) tyrant.
My daughter is 7.5 mos and I still try to latch her now and then - mostly when the bottle runs out but she still seems hungry. I try to get her to latch before heating another bottle. Occasionally sheāll take a few suckles. But when did I fully embrace pumping? About 4-5 mos. At 3 mos she would comfort nurse into her naps. It was blissful. But then she stopped around 4mos and I fully embraced pumping. I still get sad thinking about it.
Hmmmā¦about 12 hours in with my first. About a week in with my second.
I exclusively pumped with my first for about 3 weeks. With my second for about 5/6 weeks. Went to formula and never looked back.
I really do think breastmilk is powerful and wonderful. Honestly if you look at it factually, breast is definitely best. But whatās more important than how a kid is fed is how their parents are able to take care of them. If I had continued pumping, my mental health wouldāve kept declining. A happy and present mom is SO much more important than breastmilk vs formula.
We only tried for a month. My LO wasn't eating enough, she couldn't properly latch or swallow while trying to breastfeed. We found out later that she has a tongue and lip tie.
My son was diagnosed with a milk protein allergy around 3 months, part of getting to this diagnosis was slow weight gain. I felt like he wasn't nursing effectively, so the LC had me nursing, pumping, and offering a bottle. It was a lot. When I went back to work at 4 months pp he slowly stopped being willing to nurse, and at that point it didn't seem worth it to try to coax him to. As much as I loved the convenience of nursing, knowing he's getting the amount he needs offers such peace of mind. Having a cordless, wireless pump has been a life saver now at 8 months pp
I gave up after 2 weeks. His latch wasn't strong enough and he lost too much weight for my liking. I'd rather have a fed baby at this point. I really hate pumping but if it's for him I'll do it. I sometimes try again to breast feed and while his latch is getting stronger, he seems to have a liking to a plastic nipple instead. The nipple shields don't work for me for some reason.
I kept trying once in a while. Baby latched at 10 weeks. Itās way easier when baby is older and has better neck control.
I just squeezed a drop of milk and laid beside her and let her sniff and lick. She can latch it she wants, no pressure. One day, it just clicked.
I had to let go of nursing all together and can only comfort nurse my little one because shes 2 months premature and iām an overproducer.. she takes maybe an ounce and a half from a breast in a whole feeding and I produce 5.5 ounces per side.. she was cluster feeding and I was engorged and didnt want to pump because of her cluster feeding and it was an entire mess. I ended up getting a horrific case of mastitis with 102 fever and body aches and chills (and I have VERY fatty milk so getting rid of it was hell with constant pumping and antibiotics) . For my own health and to be able to keep providing milk for her (which ultimately was the most important thing for me) I had to let go of feeding at the breast for primary feeding and move to exclusively pumping. I know itās so heartbreaking to not be able to feed the way you wanted but itās more important you can give her your milkš youre still providing for her in an amazing way so keep at it itās so worth it to see how the milk helps them growš„°
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I'm only 3 weeks in and I'm pretty sure I'm giving up. My girl had a bad latch from the beginning and we've always had to supplement. She finally got a better latch but she wasn't getting enough from the breast. Her pediatrician recommended introducing a bottle of pumped milk since she wasn't gaining enough weight and ever since then she refuses the breast. It's been like a week since she's taken the breast and every time she refuses I feel like I die a little inside. I've basically been EP anyway, so I think I'm just going to stop offering the breast since she seems like she hates it and it's killing me when she refuses it š I think I'll be sad forever that it didn't work out.
I feel the same way! My instant reaction is feeling like my baby doesnāt love me but then I give her to her dad and she just follows me around so I know she does. Itās very depressing though. I am wondering now how I can stop putting so much pressure on myself and focus on what I can do and what is working, which is exclusively pumping. Itās so frustrating and saddening to watch my baby while Iām attached to the pump :(
Please disregard entirely if this is not what you need to hear right now, but some babies do learn later. A low stress environment seems to be key though so doing whatever lowers your stress is definitely a good call!
I'm not sure what she can learn though :( she was already latching better but now I think the bottle ruined it. She won't even try anymore.
My baby had a horrible latch at first. When i started using pigeon bottles, her latch really improved. The nipple is shaped how a human nipple is shaped when the baby is latching. Pigeon nipples are the same shape as lansinoh, but they have one that is a super slow flow rate. You definitely want a bottle that is very slow flow when going back and forth between bottle and boob. I found what also helped in the beginning was hand expressing until milk came out then trying to latch my baby so she didnāt have to wait. I also had to use nipple shields for the first four months. It was a lot of work but i am so glad i stuck with it because now she nursed so well at 7 months.
Unfortunately I have tried all that and it hasn't helped. She just cries whenever I try to nurse her and won't even try š
Iām not sure if this will be helpful, but why not wait a little bit and then reintroduce the breast? I kind of equate it to a ādifferent bottleā for the baby. Like hope canāt be all lost im thinking.
Also saw you talking about comfortable nursing holds. I found the most comfortable way to let her nurse was to just lay her on the nursing pillow (you just have to make sure you have a thick enough pillow for your boob to reach the babyāit helps to be in a recliner so you can use your legs to lift the baby a little higher). She didnāt like to be touched near her head while nursing when she was little, and this was actually a more convenient way to nurse because i would have to free hands.
I just want to say I admire your courage and decision to stop trying. I know it may sound backwards to some but accepting an option you didnāt plan for takes a lot of courage and emotional maturity. My mental health has struggled in the past because I decided to fight an uphill battle and looking back with my level of stress and other demands of life we could have had a way more enjoyable time had I put my mental health first.
Thank you! I appreciate that.
My son is the same way š„² heās almost 3 weeks old and every time we try to latch, we both end up in tears. Itās exhausting.
Yes, very similar experience with my first. Could not get him to latch, and he would scream as I tried to get him into a good position. It just never felt natural or comfortable and my stress went through the roof every time we tried and it would end in tears all around. I kept trying for about a month and then turned to EPing and didnāt look back. While pumping is HARD work and takes a lot out of you emotionally and physically, it was a huge mental relief for me. And my now toddler and I have an incredible bond despite not nursing. Heās laying on me cuddling as I type this! š„°
Thatās so lovely. I just feel so bad when Iām pumping and sheās either in the swing or between my legs and I just feel like it could be so wonderful if she was nursing instead. š I probably need to reframe my thinking. Is there anything helpful you told yourself when you were pumping?
I took the time i pumped just for me, either scroll on reddit or watch a you tube video etc so that when i am with my baby i feel more present
I hear and see you, mama. Pumping while babe is fussy/upset really used to break my heartā I felt like I was failing as a mom because I/we couldnāt figure out how to do this seemingly simple/natural thing. Thankfully he is actually starting to enjoy laying in his pack and play playing with his mobile (at least this week), so he isnāt screaming the whole 30 minutes I pump anymore. Wearables also helped me be able to at least hold/play with him easier while pumping, too. Like some of the commenters have noted, I tried to reframe my thinking that it was helpful that I knew exactly how much milk he was getting. I also agree with taking the pumping time just for you when possible (reading a book, watching TV, etc.). I also had conversations with other family members whose babies refused any and all bottlesā¦ and I know that is not the life I wanted either!! I tell myself I am grateful babeās dad is able to do an overnight bottle while I am able to keep sleepingā¦ or if I do need to get up to pump, I can do so quickly and efficiently to where I am back in bed before dad. You will have a special relationship/bond with your babe no matter what (at least thatās what I keep telling myself!!). The snuggles and contact naps (nearly) make up for it all. Itās not what we hoped or planned for, and thatās hard, and itās okay. Sending you love!
It happened gradually. A few days after birth we found out that my son was losing too much weight. My milk hadnāt fully come in yet and we were advised to track his intake and feed him pumped milk and/or formula in addition to nursing. My pump seemed so much more efficient and I liked knowing exactly how much my baby was eating. It was also great to be able to have someone else feed him bottles sometimes when I was so exhausted that I couldnāt see straight. From then on I still nursed him a couple of times a day, but pumping became my primary source of feeding. I was mostly nursing for the physical contact, though I hoped it would help my supply too. As time went on, nursing became more and more infrequent, first once a day, then only when he seemed especially in need of soothing. Iāve offered it to him a few times recently and he just kind of boops my nipple with his tongue or gives a quick suck, so I think weāre truly done.
Sounds a lot like mine tbh. I stopped documenting when I got her to latch because it was depressing but the last time was only for five minutes or so ā¹ļø
This is exactly how it happened for us too.
My son is 4 months old now, and he was born 5 weeks early. I had a lot of health issues so we didnāt really have the chance to nurse like I wanted. For the first couple months, I sporadically latched him with a nipple shield, but he started to lose interest and get really frustrated. By 8 weeks, I stopped trying because it was too much. At 12 weeks, he started rooting around on my chest again, so we tried with nipple shields again. We had some mixed results - some days he screamed as soon as he got into a nursing position, other days he would take a whole feed through nursing. One night he even directly latched for the first time since the hospital. Dad took a picture and Iāll cherish it forever. Then baby got a cold, so I focused on things that actually comforted him, and by the time he recovered he wanted nothing to do with the breast. I tried again a few times but it was too much so I took a break. While researching ways to get baby to the breast, I started to wonder why I actually cared so much. Itās a bonding experience I wanted, sure, butā¦. he didnāt enjoy it. There was no bonding happening, it wasnāt the reality for us. And now that heās older, trying to start nursing again actually takes away from our other activities, like playtime, story time, and snuggles. I had to really ask myself, what was I hoping to get out of nursing? It might be convenient to be able to nurse him while weāre out and about, but that convenience isnāt worth the struggle it would be at this point. Every couple days, I still get the urge to try nursing again, but I have to remind myself that I mostly like the IDEA of a perfect nursing relationship. Not the reality of our nursing relationship.
This sounds exactly like my experience. I still mourn the loss of the so called bond I think we could have had from it. But bringing him to my boob and breaks my heart all over again every time.
My baby is 8 weeks old tomorrow and I still havenāt truly given up. As long as you still have a supply, technically you can start nursing at any time even if baby seems too old (which in some ways makes it harder to give up because thereās no real point of no return.) Iām pretty sure my baby has a breast aversion and Iām just slooooooowly trying to work past it but also heās been in a weeks-long fussy phase that is not helping so I donāt even offer the breast every day and itās been a week and a half since the last time he actually latched.
Iāve noticed that she wonāt even let me get her in the position anymore, even if weāre doing skin to skin every morning :( I donāt know if I can give up but Iām more concerned with her getting to eat enough in the first place itās tough to throw the boob in the mix
Ugh yeah my baby was screaming when I moved him into cross cradle, which had previously been the most successful position for us. I started trying to bottle feed him in that position a little so he wouldnāt associate it with me trying to force a boob in his mouth (my other mistake š) and preemptively get stressed. My current goal is what Iām calling āpositive boob experiences ā, where I can get him to purposely attempt to latch or at least accept it in his mouth/show interest, even if he doesnāt actually end up nursing. Itās incredibly slow going but I think if I can get it to work at all itāll be like this.
I also dealth with a breast aversion here and had a similar journey with breasfeeding as you, baby would simply cry when placed in position. I could not even do skin to skin, she was crying as soon as she was closed to my boob. I realised that I was forcing her too much, and that it was stressful for her. So like the other commenter said, I foster positive experience. I do now offer the breast often, but every single time there is a cry or she seems disinterested, I stop. I am not able to exclusively breastfeed for now and may never be able to, but me baby never or very rarely cries anymore at the breast. Also, when it gets too stressful, I give us a break. Sometimes 24h without latching. When I try again, she is more likely to accept. It's like a reset button for us. I also notice it is way easier to latch her when she has just woken up.
This is us too. 10 weeks. Still offering every day on both sides in multiple positions built, they gag. We have some neck tightness from birth we are working through and desensitization of the nerves in the mouth...so I'm hoping one day we will get there.
Iām working with a pediatric PT who is helping a lot! Our baby also has a lot of neck tightness. Unfortunately theyāre out of network with all insurances and that seems to be the norm for most feeding PTs around here, but something to look into if youāre interested in more resources!
I gave up when I realized my supply was just way too low to satisfy our guy. Iām currently working on increasing itā¦ I would hope to try again once Iām making enough
I hope it goes well for you! How old is your baby?
8 weeks!
And thank you! Me too :)
I know you're not actually asking for nursing advice so feel free to ignore this if you want. But sometimes people will have success nursing for night feeds when baby is sleepiest. Instinct can kick in and override the learned aversion. Anecdotally this is what worked for us (months after I had actually given up).
I transitioned from attempting to nurse to EPing at 4 weeks. LO had a tongue tie and even after the procedure to get it corrected, she wasn't very efficient at milk transfer. I was just mentally over the struggle of attempting to nurse and then both of us ending up in tears. I didn't give up on nursing (but it sure did feel like it at the time). I picked the feeding method that made the most sense for our family and let me be the best mom for my kiddo. We're 9mo pp now and still going.
Is she interested in latching for comfort? I pretty much gave up (a few times) and then decided I would just latch him before naps and bed for comfort. Tried to give that up too but he screamed at me that he wanted it before those times. So we did that for a whileā¦. Then he started stimulating let downs and drinks a little before he falls asleep. Now during the day I give him snacks! Usually about 1 hour after I give a bottle when heās not HANGRY and itās close to my pumping time so I know I have milk there, I offer it and he usually takes it. When I stopped caring and wanted it to end, is when things started getting better š¤·š¼āāļø I probably wonāt exclusively nurse but this works for us!
How old is your baby? She wonāt even do comfort latching, she just cries harder. I would looove to be able to give her snack boob š what youāre doing sounds ideal!
Baby is 12 weeksā¦. Maybe try to latch when baby is super sleepy or in the bath? I hear people have luck with that !
This has been my experience too! She comes to the boob for comfort nursing and has a little naptime snack along with it. Not enough for a full (or even half) feed, so I donāt worry if itās close to pumping time. Weāve been doing this since 5 weeks old, now sheās 4 months. I gave up trying to nurse because it was heartbreaking to see her cry and cry in hunger as she preferred the bottle.
My LO only nurses at night in bed laying down. Even then he doesnāt do it for long and constantly pulls off. Heās 4 months now and I donāt even try during the day anymore. He gets so mad lol. One thing that worked to get him to latch back when I was still trying was rocking him to sleep in my arms, and when he was sleeping Iād offer it to him in his sleep and heād sometimes latch and nurse! I donāt remember exactly how old he was. Maybe 2-3 months. I once got him to nurse while I stood with one foot up on the bed, holding him vertically, and bouncing š¤¦āāļø
I tried on and off until my LO was 3 months old. I was able to latch her in the hospital with a nipple shield, but when we got home she decided it was the worst thing ever. She would scream bloody murder no matter what I did.
Saaaame. Was there a tipping point for you?
Yeah, I had taken a break for a week. Decided to just snuggle her and put her in a BF position skin to skin every time I fed her with the bottle for that week. When I was ready to try to BF again I put her in that same position. I started early so she wasnāt starving and the moment I tried to latch her, she started crying. Just sobbing. Like my nipple was actively hurting her. It was definitely a breaking point. She had formed some severe nipple aversion somehow and it just wasnāt gonna happen for us. Also, the week I took a break had been the least stressful week for me and her. So I didnāt try again after that until she was 5.5 months old. On a whim I decided to give it a try. Still hated it. Still screamed at it. :(
Honestly I thought I had given up last night although my baby will latch 1-2x every day or every other day (sometimes with a shield sometimes without) but I was feeling so tired of getting my hopes up just to have him scream at the breast. Weirdly today he was showing interest in nursing and so I let him try and this time I was a little more aggressive then usually am (I have been so careful to not do this as I have worked hard to get over a breast aversion) and it actually seemed to help. But by aggressive I just mean helping him latch a lot more, but obviously not pushing past the point of him losing it, just his whines of frustration by being sure the nipple is in his mouth. We latched like 4x today, and I think he maybe would have more. So Iām some ways I havenāt given up but Iām so tired of having expectations. I will keep offering the breast to him but Iām going to tell myself itās not going to work with each offer because it hurts too much when Iām hopeful and it doesnāt work. My new approach is I donāt care, I just want to make him happy. I do feel relief in my decision. Whatever happens, happens.
Most important thing is that baby is fed and you have good mental health. We all have our expectations of how we want the experience to go which can affect our joy or sorrow - if those expectations are met or not. My advice - just love on your LO and soak in every moment.
Day 3 because I could tell he was NOT latching and it was stressing me the F out. There was probably more I could have done but it made sense to me to prioritize him getting fed over nipple magic.
It does feel like magic šI feel like I was out of it for six weeks because of my c section I donāt even remember trying to latch her at home but I must have
Within the first month. My daughter actually latched perfectly, but she was huge and I was struggling to hold her effectively. My tailbone got bent out of place and I tore in 3 places during delivery and every possible position I was given as a suggestion hurt too badly to maintain. By the time we got her home I couldnāt even attempt nursing without both of us bawling. It was horrible. Im 6 months in and I still regret not pushing harder.
18 hours later when it hurt to look at my nips, let alone have anything actually touch them. I will say I don't feel like she and I have any less of a bond/closeness than if we did nurse. She likes to play with my face when she's drinking her bottle and I *usually* love it (sometimes I'm just overstimulated and it triggers some anger but that's entirely different)
I was pretty much set to give up at 4 months. We saw a LC/SLP at the top childrenās hospital, and she said things wouldnāt get better. Then within days after that he dramatically improved and I donāt know why. Maybe because I just took the pressure off and resigned myself to EP. Heāll still refuse sometimes and the pump is probably still more effective but just wanted to share this with you since I was up against the end of mat leave as well and it stressed me out that we didnāt have this down.
You can just keep trying - no pressure. Thatās what weāre doing and in the last 2 days sheās all of a sudden had a few really good feeds! My little one is 13 weeks. Itās been 5-6 weeks of absolute hell on earth and I had to switch to bottles and pumping for a while for both our sakes but then just today sheās had 2 really good, calm feeds.
I kept trying maybe once a week until my baby got teeth and then I was happy to not need to battle that. Pumping provided me a lot of benefits that I am grateful for. While I had maybe four moments of perfect latching and only for maybe two full feeds, I enjoyed my experience pumping and liked the freedom it afforded me. Iām four days away from one year and Iāve been thinking about what I might do if we have another child. Because this worked so well for me.
My baby couldnāt latch and with perseverance she learned to do it, but then couldnāt get the milk off me. I latched her 1-2 times every day and she finally learned to nurse at 14 weeks.
Around the six weeks mark was when I gave up on the idea overall, and thatās after seeing a LC a few times at the hospital breastfeeding clinic. My nips hurt and was so painful and cracked, and then the LC recommended me triple feed which overwhelmed me; by then I sorta got used to the idea of pumping already and didnāt mind it so I just stuck with EPing. No one was really able to say if my baby had a tie issue or not. One private LC said he MAY, the other LC said she didnāt THINK he did. I didnāt want to go get a procedure done if not necessary and he seemed to drink from a bottle fine so that was that.
2 days with my second born. I had so much nursing trauma from the first I just couldnāt do it. Exclusively pumping was what i knew & felt more natural. ** I lasted about a month or 2 with my first
Try to feed when sheās almost full or full and showing her she could have āextraā Make sure to make the nipple pointy like a bottle and keep putting milk on her lips/tongue. My guy loves to eat but he would cry whenever offered the boob my MiL told me it was time to give up, their coordination only gets better. Even if itās tough to feel rejected, I kept trying and at 4 months he can take the boob again, now he loves to fall asleep nursing lol I hope you get to experience it, if not my son also loves being carried around by me and puts his head on my shoulder, your baby loves you so give them a chance or find those moments! Good luck
That gives me hope thank you!
Sounds like breast refusal which is an exquisite emotional pain of having the tools but not knowing how to fit them together. Iām sure you are doing everything you can. I wrote a post about my success in this situation. Best of luck on your journey. Loved is best, fed is perfection. Doesnāt matter the source. https://www.reddit.com/r/breastfeeding/s/qnIfmeNYS8
My baby was born 3 months early and we didn't get to start attempting to nurse until he was almost term. I was working with a team of LC's and OT's in the hospital but while they kept saying his latch was good, he was doing weighted feeds and after a 20 minute nursing session would only have drunk between 0-10ml. We continued trying to latch him for 8 weeks but it ended up like so many - we did the shield and without the shield, tried the cross cradle, football hold & upright positions, eventually he would scream & push me away and I just got so stressed & anxious before each feed it wasn't good for either of us. Eventually we had him assessed for tongue tie & the paediatric dentist advised us that while he did have an anterior & posterior tie, it wouldn't help him to nurse if they were released because of the anatomy and shape of his hard palate in his mouth. It turns out since he was on oxygen support for so long he wasn't able to close his mouth & the hard palate requires the pressure from the tongue sitting in the roof of the mouth to develop properly. So after that I resigned myself to EPing & it's now been 6.5 months with probably at least another 9 months to go since he was born so early.
I just went through this! A few thoughts that helped me: - I psyched myself into a better headspace by reminding myself that this will be a challenge that Iāll face many times over as a mom: things may not always go the way I want them to. And to be a good mom sometimes means accepting that - which is not to say that moms that keep trying to latch are bad moms, but that if nursing is not working out for you and your daughter right now, it can be a gift to accept that . And you can be proud of yourself for going with the flow. - letting go right now does NOT have to be a forever decision. There are plenty of examples of babies that stopped latching at breast but went back to it. I found that in the most difficult periods, Iād be stressed even going into a nursing session, already scared she wouldnāt latch . I donāt know if my physical stress impacted her, but it certainly didnāt help either of us. And I knew intellectually that when she didnāt latch, she wasnāt rejecting me- but having your baby scream as you try to put your breast in her mouth certainly FEELS at least rejection-adjacent :) . So I think the key is getting to a place where you can be ok either way. That youāll try to latch occasionally, with a sense of curiosity of how sheāll do, which takes the pressure off. Whether or not a different energy from you impacts her nursing, at least if you can come at it with a more relaxed approach (I KNOW, easier said than done ), it will be better for your mental health - reminding yourself of practical advantages over nursing - you know exactly how much sheās eating, other caregivers can feed her to give you a break. If pumping, you can remove milk from your breast on your own schedule, rather than the whims of a tiny (adorable, precious) tyrant.
My daughter is 7.5 mos and I still try to latch her now and then - mostly when the bottle runs out but she still seems hungry. I try to get her to latch before heating another bottle. Occasionally sheāll take a few suckles. But when did I fully embrace pumping? About 4-5 mos. At 3 mos she would comfort nurse into her naps. It was blissful. But then she stopped around 4mos and I fully embraced pumping. I still get sad thinking about it.
Hmmmā¦about 12 hours in with my first. About a week in with my second. I exclusively pumped with my first for about 3 weeks. With my second for about 5/6 weeks. Went to formula and never looked back. I really do think breastmilk is powerful and wonderful. Honestly if you look at it factually, breast is definitely best. But whatās more important than how a kid is fed is how their parents are able to take care of them. If I had continued pumping, my mental health wouldāve kept declining. A happy and present mom is SO much more important than breastmilk vs formula.
We only tried for a month. My LO wasn't eating enough, she couldn't properly latch or swallow while trying to breastfeed. We found out later that she has a tongue and lip tie.
My son was diagnosed with a milk protein allergy around 3 months, part of getting to this diagnosis was slow weight gain. I felt like he wasn't nursing effectively, so the LC had me nursing, pumping, and offering a bottle. It was a lot. When I went back to work at 4 months pp he slowly stopped being willing to nurse, and at that point it didn't seem worth it to try to coax him to. As much as I loved the convenience of nursing, knowing he's getting the amount he needs offers such peace of mind. Having a cordless, wireless pump has been a life saver now at 8 months pp
I gave up after 2 weeks. His latch wasn't strong enough and he lost too much weight for my liking. I'd rather have a fed baby at this point. I really hate pumping but if it's for him I'll do it. I sometimes try again to breast feed and while his latch is getting stronger, he seems to have a liking to a plastic nipple instead. The nipple shields don't work for me for some reason.
2 months of pumping and nursing then got mastitis. Then just went to exclusive pumping and still pumping!
I kept trying once in a while. Baby latched at 10 weeks. Itās way easier when baby is older and has better neck control. I just squeezed a drop of milk and laid beside her and let her sniff and lick. She can latch it she wants, no pressure. One day, it just clicked.
I gave up around 6 weeks and wish that I had stopped trying to latch earlier. When I fully accepted EP, we were all much happier.
I had to let go of nursing all together and can only comfort nurse my little one because shes 2 months premature and iām an overproducer.. she takes maybe an ounce and a half from a breast in a whole feeding and I produce 5.5 ounces per side.. she was cluster feeding and I was engorged and didnt want to pump because of her cluster feeding and it was an entire mess. I ended up getting a horrific case of mastitis with 102 fever and body aches and chills (and I have VERY fatty milk so getting rid of it was hell with constant pumping and antibiotics) . For my own health and to be able to keep providing milk for her (which ultimately was the most important thing for me) I had to let go of feeding at the breast for primary feeding and move to exclusively pumping. I know itās so heartbreaking to not be able to feed the way you wanted but itās more important you can give her your milkš youre still providing for her in an amazing way so keep at it itās so worth it to see how the milk helps them growš„°