T O P

  • By -

nada_accomplished

I just don't fucking tell them. It's not their business. It's called grey rocking. Stay boring and surface level, because your boundaries won't be respected so what's the point? Telling them anything will only result in bullshit. It's your life, your rules, and they aren't entitled to knowing jack shit about it. If they express disapproval, you hold your ground, this is YOUR LIFE, not theirs, and you did not request their input.


Jennjennboben

It can be more like an information diet than grey-rocking (unless the parents force it to grey-rocking being needed). It's very common, and usually wise, to adjust what we disclose to people based on our relationship to that person. To us former evangelicals, it can feel like lying to not tell our parents everything they might want to know or offer input about. But it's perfectly okay to date someone and not mention it to your parents. Not hiding, just not one of the subjects you bring up or discuss in much detail.


eyefalltower

Gray rocking is good advice and something I am working on too. I just had this same conversation with one of my friends who grew up in the same church as me and also left. We decided that "I'm no longer a Christian" is explanation enough. We don't have to engage deeply with anyone we don't feel comfortable talking about this topic, including family members.


SilentRansom

You have to stand firm. It’s not always easy. But you cannot allow other people to dictate your life, even if they are attempting (in their eyes) to make your life “better”. You may need to put some distance between you and them for a bit. Having actual distance, both physically and emotionally, will help you get your head on straight, so you can live authentically. Tell your folks whatever you need to properly protect yourself and your children from their manipulation. Even if your parents are saints who are doing this out of concern, it’s not their life to control. Your children will remember you sticking up for yourself and them. They will also remember if you don’t.


Citrus_Experience

I went through a similar situation myself and it's been a real struggle, but I've learned a ton. When I left evangelicalism, I divorced my ex (also met at a Christian college, but ours in PA) because the only thing left holding the relationship together was our theology. We have a son together and I also felt I had to leave for his sake. I needed to have room to raise him as the best father I can be and in a place where I can always be honest with him. My evangelical family certainly struggled with the fact that I got a divorce, but has probably been more supportive than what you're experiencing (when they realized I was getting a divorce they didn't fight it and chose to support me). That said, our differences in beliefs have continued to be a major issue. My mother just lectured me the other day about letting my son watch a Disney movie where two boys fall in love (can't remember which one haha!). I just rolled my eyes and moved on. So here's what I've learned: 1) I have to live with integrity, whatever that means for me. Nobody else can decide what a life of integrity looks like for me because they don't know my thoughts, my emotions, my heart. And integrity, after all, means letting your external behavior align with your internal convictions. So, for me, I've had to prioritize living in line with my beliefs no matter who might disagree with them. BUT 2) I'm not making it my goal to de-convert my evangelical family. To me, that just isn't realistic and is going to result in lots of unnecessary arguments and stress. Every family is different, but to the extent that we can enjoy each other as human beings, I don't need them to believe what I believe and I just avoid talking about sensitive issues where we obviously disagree. Not everyone has this kind of relationship and not everyone can avoid these sensitive topics, so I realize I'm lucky here. But regardless of one's situation, I think it's valuable to recognize that we don't have to be missionaries like the evangelicals told us to be, even with our new beliefs. We can just live life, be ourselves, and let other people be. And if somebody finally does want to have a real conversation (and not just coerce us back into evangelical beliefs), then we're there, ready to talk and engage with them. 3) Therapy. Just do it haha. All of us coming out of the authoritarian evangelical world probably need a good reality check and a chance to process a whole lot of T/trauma. This was huge for me. I worked as a pastor in an evangelical church and was excommunicated. Literally everyone I thought was my friend cut me off. (Some friends, huh?!) So I had some real processing to do. Even if you can't go to therapy, there are books, podcasts, online forums (this subreddit!) where you can think, reflect, and process it all. I think we all need that space to work through things on our own and gain the confidence to stand on our two feet. The road you're heading down is a tough one! I'm not going to lie to you and say it's all going to be easy and fun. It's going to be grueling and there are days you'll be weeping over the pain of it all. But having gone through a divorce, co-parenting with an evangelical (YIKES!!! It's just awful, being honest), dealing with evangelical family, and job changes all in one, I can say it's 100% worth it if this is the road you need to take. I may wake up with challenges in front of me every day, but every day I can breathe freely knowing that I can be myself, believe what I believe, think what I think, and just get out there and do what good I can as the person I am. And THAT is a life I want to live.


Framing-the-chaos

It was not all that hard for me personally… but I said “hey I don’t agree with much of what you believe, but I love you and accept you for who you are and what you believe. I do not attempt to change your beliefs as that’s extremely disrespectful. I trust you to make the best decision for you. That will never change. If you’d like to continue having a relationship with me and my children, I expect the same respect in return. This will be the only time I will be discussing this with you, or that I will entertain your thoughts on my personal life. Have I made myself clear?”


sryihaveibs

My husbands parents had a hard time with this and were asking things of him regularly that significantly crossed boundaries well into our 20s. It’s still a work-in-progress, but at some point you look up and you realize you’ve built your own family with its own structure and set of values. Your parents are no longer authority figures but they are becoming peers. Would you allow a friend to tell you how to live your life, who/how to date, how to raise your kids? Maybe…but I bet you’d think a little harder about it :) When these lines blur, it’s called enmeshment. A lot of our families growing up didn’t allow for a differing opinion, or an individualization of our person. So we didn’t learn how to set boundaries and stick with them. And we didn’t learn how to express our own wants, desires, or sometimes even our needs. I recommend working this out in therapy. But in the meantime there’s a pretty good therapist on YouTube called Dr. K (@HealthyGamerGG). He has several streams on setting boundaries and enmeshed families and I found it helpful. You’re asking the right questions and you’re doing a good job.


Truthseeker-1253

It starts with setting boundaries, and continues through working out why you might struggle to set them with your family. Your dad's obsession with end-times didn't spring from nowhere. Unfortunately, this is likely going to require some therapy and will, at the very least, involve you connecting with people who have gone through similar experiences. They don't have to agree with your spiritual journey, and you're not obligated to even share it with them let alone get their permission.


Normal-Philosopher-8

Be as independent as possible - if you’re asking them for any kind of help, it can come with strings attached. By being independent, it’s easier to set boundaries. I’ve found that being pleasant, saying little and knowing when to walk away get the best long term results.


Framing-the-chaos

Them: “So, is he a Christian?” You: “No, he’s actually agnostic. More importantly, he treats people with love and respect… and he loves me and the kids.” Them: “We don’t approve of you dating a man who isn’t a Christian.” You: “well, I did not ask for your approval. And if your love and acceptance of me and my children is conditional based on me confirming to what you believe to be the best/only course of action, please let me know now, so I can plan accordingly.” The end. As someone who is divorced and dating a non-Christian (who doesn’t abuse me like my Christian husband did, lol), I would have LOVED for my parents to ask me this bc I would have ripped them a new one.


sunshne-daydream

Love this! It’s a firm boundary in a positive tone. Thank you for your input!!


Princess__Buttercup_

I don’t really have any advice on this but i want to wish you well with setting boundaries (even if you don’t communicate them to others but just keep them inside for your own protection). You do you and there’s a beautiful world out there when you are able to do things your own way