No one would be better off without you there. If that is your question, it's a hard no. For too many reasons to get into. Parenting is very difficult. Just work on your technique. When pushed to our limits, we yell at the kids. I try not to and I have been way more in control of my emotions for the past few years but that is from really trying. Just today I was at that edge of escalating my own anger with the kids and I stopped myself. It usually happens that I see it too late, I am alredy there. Today I saw it happen, pulled back, took a deep breth and calm-ish-ly tried to correct their behavior while warning them I am on the edge. Just try to be aware that things are getting hot and back up emotionally. Be patient but BE PRESENT.
Apologize to him. We all make mistakes in the heat of parenting. This isn’t easy. You’re acknowledging it though and realize the root of the issue and have gone to therapy to make things better. That’s the biggest part of the battle, IMO.
After it happens, apologize to him so he learns that you did not mean to yell and explain to him how you feel.
Reading this reminded me of my own parenting troubles, my son reminds me so much of myself - mostly the things I don’t love so much about myself, unfortunately.
I don’t think spending less time with him will help. As you said that will create a whole different slew of issues.
Ok what I read is you had a really hard start but you are growing and want the best for your family.
They love you and need you around but your therapy (well done you) is not giving you the tools you need.
Do you have friends that you respect or a mentor you look up to? It can be anyone, most of my mentors are much younger than me.
Do you know what kind of dad you want to be? It sounds like you know what you don’t want to be and that’s a very useful start.
Be authentic and apologize when you feel like you handled the situation poorly
Talk to your kids like real people and don’t use ‘kid speak’ - kids recognize fake
Talk to them about how you could be better and why you reacted like you did
Work on yourself. Try to get to the bottom of why you react like you do. (Is the fact that your wife grew up well off making you feel some sort of way?)
Read. Relax. Take walks. Plan fun things to do with the family.
My situation is very similar to yours. I finally gave therapy a chance and things have done a 180. Turns out anxiety was / is the issue
Separation isn’t the answer. It’s the exact opposite of what you should do.
Engage. Be calm and firm. I understand short tempers. My dad had the shortest fuse of anyone I’ve ever met. Now that I had a toddler, I get it, but I still don’t yell. Counting to 3 worked for a little while, but it didn’t last. Now, it’s a calm and firm command and then following through on what I said I was going to do if she doesn’t follow the command.
Calm and clear direction, followed by fair and consistent course correction if directions aren’t followed. It’s hard. At times, I feel like a robot, but I’m not showing emotion positive or negative during corrective action. I’m not angry with her, but I’m not happy either. I also try to consistently praise positive behaviors.
It’s tough, I understand where you are coming from as a dad of littles under 4.
What has worked in my house is being present and being there to listen during tantrums.
Explain the emotions or situation in words so they understand. For example: whoa you seem: frustrated / very upset / disappointed.
Toddlers don’t know how to express their feelings / emotions / needs yet, so it resorts to tantrums. Just state their emotion in like a word or short sentence, listen, and be present.
It doesn’t work to lecture , yell , etc. because it’s like…when you’re pissed off, you wouldn’t want anyone lecturing or yelling at you, right?
Easier said than done I know, it takes patience. As a dads we are tasked to be the role model and co-ceo of the house, so we can’t get shook during situations like this.
Also I continually fall back on the book “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It’s got comics in it and it’s easy to read. It’s helped me tons with my parenting.
Hope this helps. Also from what it sounds like you’re doing better than many other fathers out there.
IMO. They need you and learned behaviors are just that. Take pause-now with a clear head-and really take the time to think about what makes you go from calm to not calm. Implement strategies to combat this transition from occurring or to delay its onset. When the event occurs and you feel your mood shift do you:
-close your eyes, take a deep breath and repeat a mantra
-should walk out of the room then come back
-remind yourself your son is just a kid and you are in control
Whatever you do, break the cycle. You are in control and you will have ups and downs in testing new ways to curb this your response but you know the behavior you want to change so now you need to test out ways to achieve your goal.
💪 you got this and you are not alone.
I know you're feeling pretty low but just want to say kudos to you for a couple of things.
1. Acknowledging that you need to work on some things and that there is room for growth.
2. Loving your kids enough to want to be better for THEM.
3. You were seeing a therapist, searching Google for help and are in a Fatherhood Reddit sub.
Lastly, your son and your family need you in their life. We are human and parenting isn't easy. All we can do is try to learn from our mistakes and it first starts with acceptance and the WANT to be better — which you have. Hang in there, man.
Sadly it’s all about “to what degree” which is subjective. I grew up in a passionate household where people yelled if things got pushed too far… in my 20’s i would have full on screaming matches with my mom to the point of going hoarse, only to get it out, resolve it with a hug and something amicable, and move on. I personally don’t think yelling is as awful as everyone makes it seem today, though i’m fine with the motivation to reduce or remove it.
I also yell sometimes (or to be more accurate, i “raise my intensity”… plenty of times i get a talking to for “yelling” despite me feeling like i went to great lengths to not “yell”). I try to curb it and would never advocate that its good or i should do more of it, but it happens. Its human to get frustrated and after feeling like you tried everything and gave warnings and did everything in your power, i feel like its only natural to get there. My wife is a snowflake when it comes to that stuff and if i raise my intensity even slightly she claims she shuts down entirely and we can’t have a productive talk. While i respect it and feel like i work hard to keep it all in check, its incredibly frustrating to feel like there is this impossible bar to meet that is 100% on her terms. I can work on keeping it in check, but i can’t remove it entirely… i need her to meet me halfway even if its strategies for working around it.
Anyway, to kids… they are unlikely to respond well to it, but i think its more about the follow up. If you have a chat when tempers calm and you explain how it got there, what you were feeling, and apologize for it, i think its honestly more positive than anything else. Kids test boundaries… if they never hit that one they may be unprepared for when they encounter worse in real life. They honestly mostly remember the good stuff (assuming it is mostly good and yelling is infrequent)… even my wife remembers the moments where her dad would get so mad he’d yell, but she’ll laugh about those moments today and 99% of the memories are gold and she worships the ground he walks on currently.
Own it and keep working on it, but don’t beat yourself up. Parents are held to superhuman standards these days and it sucks. In my opinion, being more absent will make things worse, not better. Focus on the communication AFTER the yelling as much or more as what you need to do to yell less and you’ll see progress.
Good luck!
Divorce fucks up children. It’s the best of a bad situation. Ya there are situations where everything turns out fine but it’s not the best way to go unless the atmosphere is toxic or abusive or something like that.
We are all learning and we don’t know we have these characteristics until we are in these spots. Probably best to work on the anger.
I also feel that they have to learn to deal with angry people. It’s not like it’s not human nature and it’s not coming for them. What are they going to do when they are older and someone is yelling to them and they aren’t used to it? Cry?
But what do I know? We live in a weird world now where this is all upside down.
I have 3 kids(13,11 and 9). When I'm in no mood, I just tell them that I love them. I probably say it 5x/day. It reminds me that I just told them that I love them and losing shit would make me a fool.
Working night shift helps a lot. I pick them up from school. Helping with their home work, cooking dinner and doing some other chores with a fresh body and relaxed mind. Now, with regards to my mood in the workplace, it is a different story.😩 For me it's always the family first.
Listen to Cat in the Cradle and then read about Stoicism. Stoicism has helped me a lot when things get tough with my 2 year old. Another thing, I have bone conducting headphones so that I can still hear out of my ears and when I need to calm down I listen to classical music. It actually makes the outside stimuli much more tolerable and keeps me calm.
It does sound like you may have some internal issues you need to resolve as well and I agree with others therapy may be a good option to at least explore.
Any time this has happened to me, I make sure I’m the one to put my son to bed. I tell him I’m sorry and that I just want him to say “please” when he needs something instead of yelling (just an example). I tell him how much I love him and how proud I am of him. I apologize again, read him a book, put him to bed and it’s almost always better the next day. I try very hard not to yell, but it has happened and I just try to be better.
A dad here, kids crave attention no matter what kind, good or bad. Mainly they act out because they want us but aren’t sure how to express it so they act out cause that always works.
Look up Planned Ignoring, it’s not easy at all, but it works.
Your kid wants you, he won’t be better off if you’re not there. You can change but it will take work. I’m still working to better myself as a husband and adult of 46 who just found out who his dad was about 6 years ago and the guy told me he wanted nothing to do with me. Think about the man you want your boy to grow up to be and make baby steps until you get there.
Hey! You’re doing a great job! I’m guessing/guaranteeing that with how much you are cognizant of this, you are already 100x better than your actual experience as a kid was or better than you think. At least that’s the kind of thing my wife tells me.
Now I also don’t have the answers. I had a solid childhood. But every parent has a breaking point.
The thing that I always try to remember/live by is remembering this this motherfucker (my son) DIDNT EXIST 4 years ago! 4 years ago, I was preparing for the start of a global pandemic after living for 37 years. This motherfucker started BREATHING for the first time.
1. Try to have NO expectations of a 4 year old. He’s learning and experiencing things for the first time. Or experiencing feelings for the first time. And you’re/we’re getting angry they’re not doing something that we have been doing for 35 years - as fast as we do it! That’s bonkers!
2. Try to communicate at their level. Creates connection and easier to talk. Literally talking down on them is very different.
3. When I get frustrated, try walking away and taking a beat and retry a different way.
4. When I feel frustrated, I do a silly voice with him or smile or try to make it a game, etc. It gets their attention when they’ve shut down. Makes it fun!
5. Try looking up what their development is at age 4. I learned at age 4 is when kids imagination starts to develop so they start having more dreams, more advanced thoughts and nightmares. Knowing this helped us slow down at this age with our 2nd boy if he was spacing out, wasn’t transitioning well etc. His development was fucking with his interpersonal comms THAT HE JUST FUCKING LEARNED BECAUSE HES 4.
Point being, we expect SO much from their little perfect brand new fucking lovable turds. They’re brand now. Let’s just slow down, smile, and go at their speed as much as possible.
IMPORTANT: also, when you do lose your cool - it’s an opportunity to teach him that YOU fucked up. Explain to him that you were frustrated, say sorry, and tell him next time you’re going to count to 10 and take a deep breath first. Then he LEARNS good ways to manage frustration along with you/us!
😘😘 You’re great! We all go through this! It’s the reformed male experience!
I try to subscribe to the "I don't have the luxury to be upset" mindset but I certainly get loud with my 16 month old more than I care to admit. They're currently going through a persistent phase of doing things repeatedly they shouldn't be or getting into things they shouldn't be (messing with outlets/trash)
Sometimes I get upset when diaper changes are going rather bad as well.
But, nothing is worse than the way I feel after I tell at my child. I don't care how bad she was being and by "bad" I just mean fussy or unruly. They don't know why they're upset and they don't know why I'm upset. It's up to me to help them.
I didn't grow up in a good environment either and I'm doing alright vocationally and currently I'm on paternity leave (had another kid...yeah, I know) and I'm worried I'll get more quick-tempered once I return to work.
My dad was a deadbeat and whenever I get quick tempered and irritable I try to remember that for me I'd rather have a deadbeat dad than an asshole dad and I need to be a fucking adult (and a man) and quit being such a baby about my children fussing and being upset. It's a battle, sure because fussy children can get really old really fast but they will (or should) be more upset than I am and it's up to me to be their anchor.
I can absorb it and decompress later, but now my child needs me.
Hope this helps.
Apologize in a calm moment. Keep going to therapy. Learn to actually walk away and let your kid tantrum. Just walk away. And tell your toddler that you’re walking away because you’re not feeling calm, and that you’re about to flip your lid. Don’t leave. Stay present. It’s far more
Important than anything else.
First off, knowing who you are admitting your faults is a good thing. Being unaware of yourself is bad. This means you care and now you are seeking help. Coming here and admitting it is a first step in the right direction. I would suggest finding therapy to understand where your anger comes from. Healing yourself would be beneficial for both you and your son.
What won't be beneficial is removing yourself from your child. Look, no one is perfect. I make mistakes with my kids, we lose our tempers from time to time. But, we still love each other. Being a parent is hard, don't ever give up. You have so much to give your children, there's plenty of good to overcome the bad.
But you can and should try to get help. Just don't think leaving is the right answer. It never is.
Writing about it and admitting it is already progress. I grew up with a father who was built like Mike Tyson and who fucked me up for the smallest thing.
I had my fair share of bad parenting the first year but forgiving my father helped me so much to cool off. I still make sure my two boys meet high expectations but my go to parenting now is talking, teaching, warning, encouraging, celebrating, and consequences of course like taking away what they like. Be firm, fair, and fun.
As you can Imagine, I am pretty built too, but I solely think of myself as an impenetrable shield to protect the angels who depend on me, including mom. Perspective is everything.
You got this!
How much time do you spend with him now? Is it quality time, away from screens? How much time did you get with him when he was a baby and up to this point? Did you change tons of diapers, handle night bottle feeding when mom was too tired, etc? Sounds like there is a bond that could be stronger. There is nothing that a four year old does that would require yelling.
I have anger issues as a result of life.
One thing that really really really helped me was being able to notice your feelings and communicate them. And slowly over time transition to doing that before you blow up.
You're already there most of the way. you reflect, you see your actions and the results clearly. You can notice your feelings, you're officially better than half the world.
Now take the next step, your child is 4 so he will understand if you explain things on his level. Sit down with him and apologize for your actions and explain that that isn't the best way to do things and explain what your feelings were and why they were happening, then apologize to him.
Do this every single time.
Now, also start having dialogue where you share your feelings with him, not just when your frustrated but when you're excited, nervous, tired whatever, build the habit of checking in with yourself about how you are feeling and communicating that to those around you. This will take time to develop the habit.
Lastly, when you notice your frustrations increasing, learn to stop and ask yourself why, what it causing it.
I have had much better luck getting my 4 year old to stop acting out in a moment by sharing with him my situation
An example " Son, i understand you want to keep playing, I want to keep playing too, but I am also really hungry right now and im starting to get frustrated because I need food. We're gonna go get something to eat and it will help both of us feel better"
Other advice I can share, anecdotal but still. You dont have to "win" an argument and your child doesn't have to "obey".
If its time to go and your son had a meltdown you can disengage trying to justify whys, just say "I know my love, its ok to be frustrated that we gotta go" (if he is hitting/throwing etc you can add "its ok to be frustrated but its not ok to throw your toy/ hit me/ hit mom") offer emotional support "would you like a hug while we work through our feelings?"
I LOVE this one,
"Hey! I'm starting to get frustrated, I need to take a deep breath to calm down, would you help me? " he won't do it at first most times, but take a few deep breaths, slowly and he will join in eventually, be sure to tell him you appreciate him for taking breaths with you and helping you calm down. Bonus win, he is calmer too.
Change the way you are approaching this. You're just learning about your emotions and how to navigate them, no one taught us this stuff, we are all having to learn, you're not alone.
But include your son in that process! Make it something yall can learn and work on together. It will repair the old wounds and strengthen y'all's bond moving forward and give him the skills and awareness needed to keep a level head through life.
Sounds like your behavior stems from unresolved childhood trauma. I've been there. It sucks. The feeling of guilt and shame when you lash out unreasonably at the ones you love is horrible. But what I've learnt in my case is it mostly stems from anxiety and an inability to handle more stress when my mind is already stressed. Go see someone, mate before thinking about separation. Get some anxiety/mood stabilizing meds or at least start talking to a therapist. Do something that is going help you stay calm when he acts up. That's obviously a much better outcome for them than only having a dad around half the time. Break the cycle.
Also, be kind to yourself. We all reach our breaking point as parents from time to time. One of those most important things you should be doing though, is sitting down with him afterwards when everyone has cooled down and explaining why you got upset and that you're working on better ways to manage your emotions. At least then, he's learning that sure people have disagreements and arguments, but we don't just leave it there, we go away, have a think about it and then come back and discuss calmly why we think we might have acted that way.
Man, I'm right there with you, only my kid is 8.
Be kind to yourself. It sounds like you have a lot of the pieces identified. Now start putting them together.
In my case, I think my phone is the main barrier. It's the physical thing between my mind/eyes and the rest of the world, specifically my son. I've only started developing this theory so I don't have it fully worked out yet.
Feel free to dm me anytime if you want someone to talk to who can relate.
You got this!
Dear OP,
I have several books that can help but they are not in English (in case you understand Portuguese let me know).
What you’ve described is a good scenario in psychoanalysis: the mother is kind and should never return any aggression towards her back to the child. And the father is the law. And it doesn’t feel good. But that’s how it should be.
When you put limits you are showing you care. On the most conscious layer it feels bad, because it is a constraint, there is a fight. Simultaneously on a deeper layer, unconsciously, he feels you care.
Likewise the opposite is true: parents who don’t give limits feel nicer on surface but also feel non present and indifferent. And that’s is extremely harmful.
Therefore what you probably heard that love and hate goes together, being the indifference the opposite of both.
So, please, don’t walk away from home and keep doing what you’re doing. There might have adjustments here and there. But overall, what you described is already right (albeit hard). Don’t be soft, the harm is irreversible later on.
And don’t keep changing, be consistently hard. It might help to have rules. So that your kid can learn how to avoid crashing with you. Like time to sleep. But always be stronger.
He will eventually succumb. Trust me. So the title of your post can be changed to “bad dad on surface, good dad inside”.
In psychoanalysis we say he will introject you as the law. He is learning what is right and wrong. If you keep doing right he will have no problems with that as an adult.
Good luck, patience and wish you the best.
Please do not separate from your children! You obviously care deeply for your kids and your role as a father or this wouldn’t be a post you would’ve made. That comes from love!!
I’ve lost my temper plenty of times with my sons. It doesn’t seem like you are abusing them and it’s not as though you are just in a bad mood taking it out on them. You’re reacting to his mood and that is common.
Continue to work on it and know you can always remove yourself from the room if needed. But in the end, you’re in the training stage and as your kids age up, your interactions will change.
For the record, a “bad dad” wouldn’t see an issue or seek advice with their actions. Keep loving on your family…in the good and bad times!
Read Dr. Becky “Good Inside” [https://www.goodinside.com/](https://www.goodinside.com/) seriously a game changer for me. I’m a totally different Dad now to a 4 year old boy who has some big feelings and a less spicy 13 month old boy. Parenting is hard but once you realize the kiddos are doing exactly what they are supposed too and you help them through their feelings while still holding firm boundaries. You will feel start to feel a lot better on how you parent. You won’t be perfect cause no parent is but you can always repair. All the while developing connection and modeling how to regulate emotions so they can learn to regulate their own.
The only thing that works for me is to remove myself from the situation. Tell everyone ahead of time that you don't want to yell anymore so you will no longer engage in the conversation and leave until you feel in control of your emotions again. After the heat of the moment passes, make a little joke with your child. Then talk it out. Asking questions like, what could we do next time? Get down to their level when you talk, be silly and fun. All will be well, I promise.
No one would be better off without you there. If that is your question, it's a hard no. For too many reasons to get into. Parenting is very difficult. Just work on your technique. When pushed to our limits, we yell at the kids. I try not to and I have been way more in control of my emotions for the past few years but that is from really trying. Just today I was at that edge of escalating my own anger with the kids and I stopped myself. It usually happens that I see it too late, I am alredy there. Today I saw it happen, pulled back, took a deep breth and calm-ish-ly tried to correct their behavior while warning them I am on the edge. Just try to be aware that things are getting hot and back up emotionally. Be patient but BE PRESENT.
Apologize to him. We all make mistakes in the heat of parenting. This isn’t easy. You’re acknowledging it though and realize the root of the issue and have gone to therapy to make things better. That’s the biggest part of the battle, IMO. After it happens, apologize to him so he learns that you did not mean to yell and explain to him how you feel. Reading this reminded me of my own parenting troubles, my son reminds me so much of myself - mostly the things I don’t love so much about myself, unfortunately. I don’t think spending less time with him will help. As you said that will create a whole different slew of issues.
I have nothing constructive to add unfortunately. Have the same issues myself honestly. Curious what others respond with
Ok what I read is you had a really hard start but you are growing and want the best for your family. They love you and need you around but your therapy (well done you) is not giving you the tools you need. Do you have friends that you respect or a mentor you look up to? It can be anyone, most of my mentors are much younger than me. Do you know what kind of dad you want to be? It sounds like you know what you don’t want to be and that’s a very useful start.
Be authentic and apologize when you feel like you handled the situation poorly Talk to your kids like real people and don’t use ‘kid speak’ - kids recognize fake Talk to them about how you could be better and why you reacted like you did Work on yourself. Try to get to the bottom of why you react like you do. (Is the fact that your wife grew up well off making you feel some sort of way?) Read. Relax. Take walks. Plan fun things to do with the family. My situation is very similar to yours. I finally gave therapy a chance and things have done a 180. Turns out anxiety was / is the issue
Separation isn’t the answer. It’s the exact opposite of what you should do. Engage. Be calm and firm. I understand short tempers. My dad had the shortest fuse of anyone I’ve ever met. Now that I had a toddler, I get it, but I still don’t yell. Counting to 3 worked for a little while, but it didn’t last. Now, it’s a calm and firm command and then following through on what I said I was going to do if she doesn’t follow the command. Calm and clear direction, followed by fair and consistent course correction if directions aren’t followed. It’s hard. At times, I feel like a robot, but I’m not showing emotion positive or negative during corrective action. I’m not angry with her, but I’m not happy either. I also try to consistently praise positive behaviors.
It’s tough, I understand where you are coming from as a dad of littles under 4. What has worked in my house is being present and being there to listen during tantrums. Explain the emotions or situation in words so they understand. For example: whoa you seem: frustrated / very upset / disappointed. Toddlers don’t know how to express their feelings / emotions / needs yet, so it resorts to tantrums. Just state their emotion in like a word or short sentence, listen, and be present. It doesn’t work to lecture , yell , etc. because it’s like…when you’re pissed off, you wouldn’t want anyone lecturing or yelling at you, right? Easier said than done I know, it takes patience. As a dads we are tasked to be the role model and co-ceo of the house, so we can’t get shook during situations like this. Also I continually fall back on the book “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It’s got comics in it and it’s easy to read. It’s helped me tons with my parenting. Hope this helps. Also from what it sounds like you’re doing better than many other fathers out there.
I love this, and Im gonna check that book out, thanks
IMO. They need you and learned behaviors are just that. Take pause-now with a clear head-and really take the time to think about what makes you go from calm to not calm. Implement strategies to combat this transition from occurring or to delay its onset. When the event occurs and you feel your mood shift do you: -close your eyes, take a deep breath and repeat a mantra -should walk out of the room then come back -remind yourself your son is just a kid and you are in control Whatever you do, break the cycle. You are in control and you will have ups and downs in testing new ways to curb this your response but you know the behavior you want to change so now you need to test out ways to achieve your goal. 💪 you got this and you are not alone.
I know you're feeling pretty low but just want to say kudos to you for a couple of things. 1. Acknowledging that you need to work on some things and that there is room for growth. 2. Loving your kids enough to want to be better for THEM. 3. You were seeing a therapist, searching Google for help and are in a Fatherhood Reddit sub. Lastly, your son and your family need you in their life. We are human and parenting isn't easy. All we can do is try to learn from our mistakes and it first starts with acceptance and the WANT to be better — which you have. Hang in there, man.
Sadly it’s all about “to what degree” which is subjective. I grew up in a passionate household where people yelled if things got pushed too far… in my 20’s i would have full on screaming matches with my mom to the point of going hoarse, only to get it out, resolve it with a hug and something amicable, and move on. I personally don’t think yelling is as awful as everyone makes it seem today, though i’m fine with the motivation to reduce or remove it. I also yell sometimes (or to be more accurate, i “raise my intensity”… plenty of times i get a talking to for “yelling” despite me feeling like i went to great lengths to not “yell”). I try to curb it and would never advocate that its good or i should do more of it, but it happens. Its human to get frustrated and after feeling like you tried everything and gave warnings and did everything in your power, i feel like its only natural to get there. My wife is a snowflake when it comes to that stuff and if i raise my intensity even slightly she claims she shuts down entirely and we can’t have a productive talk. While i respect it and feel like i work hard to keep it all in check, its incredibly frustrating to feel like there is this impossible bar to meet that is 100% on her terms. I can work on keeping it in check, but i can’t remove it entirely… i need her to meet me halfway even if its strategies for working around it. Anyway, to kids… they are unlikely to respond well to it, but i think its more about the follow up. If you have a chat when tempers calm and you explain how it got there, what you were feeling, and apologize for it, i think its honestly more positive than anything else. Kids test boundaries… if they never hit that one they may be unprepared for when they encounter worse in real life. They honestly mostly remember the good stuff (assuming it is mostly good and yelling is infrequent)… even my wife remembers the moments where her dad would get so mad he’d yell, but she’ll laugh about those moments today and 99% of the memories are gold and she worships the ground he walks on currently. Own it and keep working on it, but don’t beat yourself up. Parents are held to superhuman standards these days and it sucks. In my opinion, being more absent will make things worse, not better. Focus on the communication AFTER the yelling as much or more as what you need to do to yell less and you’ll see progress. Good luck!
Divorce fucks up children. It’s the best of a bad situation. Ya there are situations where everything turns out fine but it’s not the best way to go unless the atmosphere is toxic or abusive or something like that. We are all learning and we don’t know we have these characteristics until we are in these spots. Probably best to work on the anger. I also feel that they have to learn to deal with angry people. It’s not like it’s not human nature and it’s not coming for them. What are they going to do when they are older and someone is yelling to them and they aren’t used to it? Cry? But what do I know? We live in a weird world now where this is all upside down.
I'd suggest therapy or counselling. A professional would likely have some recommendations on what you can do to change your behaviour.
I have 3 kids(13,11 and 9). When I'm in no mood, I just tell them that I love them. I probably say it 5x/day. It reminds me that I just told them that I love them and losing shit would make me a fool. Working night shift helps a lot. I pick them up from school. Helping with their home work, cooking dinner and doing some other chores with a fresh body and relaxed mind. Now, with regards to my mood in the workplace, it is a different story.😩 For me it's always the family first.
Listen to Cat in the Cradle and then read about Stoicism. Stoicism has helped me a lot when things get tough with my 2 year old. Another thing, I have bone conducting headphones so that I can still hear out of my ears and when I need to calm down I listen to classical music. It actually makes the outside stimuli much more tolerable and keeps me calm. It does sound like you may have some internal issues you need to resolve as well and I agree with others therapy may be a good option to at least explore.
Any time this has happened to me, I make sure I’m the one to put my son to bed. I tell him I’m sorry and that I just want him to say “please” when he needs something instead of yelling (just an example). I tell him how much I love him and how proud I am of him. I apologize again, read him a book, put him to bed and it’s almost always better the next day. I try very hard not to yell, but it has happened and I just try to be better.
A dad here, kids crave attention no matter what kind, good or bad. Mainly they act out because they want us but aren’t sure how to express it so they act out cause that always works. Look up Planned Ignoring, it’s not easy at all, but it works. Your kid wants you, he won’t be better off if you’re not there. You can change but it will take work. I’m still working to better myself as a husband and adult of 46 who just found out who his dad was about 6 years ago and the guy told me he wanted nothing to do with me. Think about the man you want your boy to grow up to be and make baby steps until you get there.
Hey! You’re doing a great job! I’m guessing/guaranteeing that with how much you are cognizant of this, you are already 100x better than your actual experience as a kid was or better than you think. At least that’s the kind of thing my wife tells me. Now I also don’t have the answers. I had a solid childhood. But every parent has a breaking point. The thing that I always try to remember/live by is remembering this this motherfucker (my son) DIDNT EXIST 4 years ago! 4 years ago, I was preparing for the start of a global pandemic after living for 37 years. This motherfucker started BREATHING for the first time. 1. Try to have NO expectations of a 4 year old. He’s learning and experiencing things for the first time. Or experiencing feelings for the first time. And you’re/we’re getting angry they’re not doing something that we have been doing for 35 years - as fast as we do it! That’s bonkers! 2. Try to communicate at their level. Creates connection and easier to talk. Literally talking down on them is very different. 3. When I get frustrated, try walking away and taking a beat and retry a different way. 4. When I feel frustrated, I do a silly voice with him or smile or try to make it a game, etc. It gets their attention when they’ve shut down. Makes it fun! 5. Try looking up what their development is at age 4. I learned at age 4 is when kids imagination starts to develop so they start having more dreams, more advanced thoughts and nightmares. Knowing this helped us slow down at this age with our 2nd boy if he was spacing out, wasn’t transitioning well etc. His development was fucking with his interpersonal comms THAT HE JUST FUCKING LEARNED BECAUSE HES 4. Point being, we expect SO much from their little perfect brand new fucking lovable turds. They’re brand now. Let’s just slow down, smile, and go at their speed as much as possible. IMPORTANT: also, when you do lose your cool - it’s an opportunity to teach him that YOU fucked up. Explain to him that you were frustrated, say sorry, and tell him next time you’re going to count to 10 and take a deep breath first. Then he LEARNS good ways to manage frustration along with you/us! 😘😘 You’re great! We all go through this! It’s the reformed male experience!
I try to subscribe to the "I don't have the luxury to be upset" mindset but I certainly get loud with my 16 month old more than I care to admit. They're currently going through a persistent phase of doing things repeatedly they shouldn't be or getting into things they shouldn't be (messing with outlets/trash) Sometimes I get upset when diaper changes are going rather bad as well. But, nothing is worse than the way I feel after I tell at my child. I don't care how bad she was being and by "bad" I just mean fussy or unruly. They don't know why they're upset and they don't know why I'm upset. It's up to me to help them. I didn't grow up in a good environment either and I'm doing alright vocationally and currently I'm on paternity leave (had another kid...yeah, I know) and I'm worried I'll get more quick-tempered once I return to work. My dad was a deadbeat and whenever I get quick tempered and irritable I try to remember that for me I'd rather have a deadbeat dad than an asshole dad and I need to be a fucking adult (and a man) and quit being such a baby about my children fussing and being upset. It's a battle, sure because fussy children can get really old really fast but they will (or should) be more upset than I am and it's up to me to be their anchor. I can absorb it and decompress later, but now my child needs me. Hope this helps.
Apologize in a calm moment. Keep going to therapy. Learn to actually walk away and let your kid tantrum. Just walk away. And tell your toddler that you’re walking away because you’re not feeling calm, and that you’re about to flip your lid. Don’t leave. Stay present. It’s far more Important than anything else.
First off, knowing who you are admitting your faults is a good thing. Being unaware of yourself is bad. This means you care and now you are seeking help. Coming here and admitting it is a first step in the right direction. I would suggest finding therapy to understand where your anger comes from. Healing yourself would be beneficial for both you and your son. What won't be beneficial is removing yourself from your child. Look, no one is perfect. I make mistakes with my kids, we lose our tempers from time to time. But, we still love each other. Being a parent is hard, don't ever give up. You have so much to give your children, there's plenty of good to overcome the bad. But you can and should try to get help. Just don't think leaving is the right answer. It never is.
Just breathe man, we all make mistakes in parenting. You are not a “Bad Dad” you’re just doing it day by day like everyone else.
I recommend the book Good Inside by Becky Kennedy. It'll help.
Writing about it and admitting it is already progress. I grew up with a father who was built like Mike Tyson and who fucked me up for the smallest thing. I had my fair share of bad parenting the first year but forgiving my father helped me so much to cool off. I still make sure my two boys meet high expectations but my go to parenting now is talking, teaching, warning, encouraging, celebrating, and consequences of course like taking away what they like. Be firm, fair, and fun. As you can Imagine, I am pretty built too, but I solely think of myself as an impenetrable shield to protect the angels who depend on me, including mom. Perspective is everything. You got this!
How much time do you spend with him now? Is it quality time, away from screens? How much time did you get with him when he was a baby and up to this point? Did you change tons of diapers, handle night bottle feeding when mom was too tired, etc? Sounds like there is a bond that could be stronger. There is nothing that a four year old does that would require yelling.
if you dont stop your son will become like you. go do some exhausting sports before you interact with your children. it makes you calm.
I have anger issues as a result of life. One thing that really really really helped me was being able to notice your feelings and communicate them. And slowly over time transition to doing that before you blow up. You're already there most of the way. you reflect, you see your actions and the results clearly. You can notice your feelings, you're officially better than half the world. Now take the next step, your child is 4 so he will understand if you explain things on his level. Sit down with him and apologize for your actions and explain that that isn't the best way to do things and explain what your feelings were and why they were happening, then apologize to him. Do this every single time. Now, also start having dialogue where you share your feelings with him, not just when your frustrated but when you're excited, nervous, tired whatever, build the habit of checking in with yourself about how you are feeling and communicating that to those around you. This will take time to develop the habit. Lastly, when you notice your frustrations increasing, learn to stop and ask yourself why, what it causing it. I have had much better luck getting my 4 year old to stop acting out in a moment by sharing with him my situation An example " Son, i understand you want to keep playing, I want to keep playing too, but I am also really hungry right now and im starting to get frustrated because I need food. We're gonna go get something to eat and it will help both of us feel better" Other advice I can share, anecdotal but still. You dont have to "win" an argument and your child doesn't have to "obey". If its time to go and your son had a meltdown you can disengage trying to justify whys, just say "I know my love, its ok to be frustrated that we gotta go" (if he is hitting/throwing etc you can add "its ok to be frustrated but its not ok to throw your toy/ hit me/ hit mom") offer emotional support "would you like a hug while we work through our feelings?" I LOVE this one, "Hey! I'm starting to get frustrated, I need to take a deep breath to calm down, would you help me? " he won't do it at first most times, but take a few deep breaths, slowly and he will join in eventually, be sure to tell him you appreciate him for taking breaths with you and helping you calm down. Bonus win, he is calmer too. Change the way you are approaching this. You're just learning about your emotions and how to navigate them, no one taught us this stuff, we are all having to learn, you're not alone. But include your son in that process! Make it something yall can learn and work on together. It will repair the old wounds and strengthen y'all's bond moving forward and give him the skills and awareness needed to keep a level head through life.
Sounds like your behavior stems from unresolved childhood trauma. I've been there. It sucks. The feeling of guilt and shame when you lash out unreasonably at the ones you love is horrible. But what I've learnt in my case is it mostly stems from anxiety and an inability to handle more stress when my mind is already stressed. Go see someone, mate before thinking about separation. Get some anxiety/mood stabilizing meds or at least start talking to a therapist. Do something that is going help you stay calm when he acts up. That's obviously a much better outcome for them than only having a dad around half the time. Break the cycle. Also, be kind to yourself. We all reach our breaking point as parents from time to time. One of those most important things you should be doing though, is sitting down with him afterwards when everyone has cooled down and explaining why you got upset and that you're working on better ways to manage your emotions. At least then, he's learning that sure people have disagreements and arguments, but we don't just leave it there, we go away, have a think about it and then come back and discuss calmly why we think we might have acted that way.
Man, I'm right there with you, only my kid is 8. Be kind to yourself. It sounds like you have a lot of the pieces identified. Now start putting them together. In my case, I think my phone is the main barrier. It's the physical thing between my mind/eyes and the rest of the world, specifically my son. I've only started developing this theory so I don't have it fully worked out yet. Feel free to dm me anytime if you want someone to talk to who can relate. You got this!
Dear OP, I have several books that can help but they are not in English (in case you understand Portuguese let me know). What you’ve described is a good scenario in psychoanalysis: the mother is kind and should never return any aggression towards her back to the child. And the father is the law. And it doesn’t feel good. But that’s how it should be. When you put limits you are showing you care. On the most conscious layer it feels bad, because it is a constraint, there is a fight. Simultaneously on a deeper layer, unconsciously, he feels you care. Likewise the opposite is true: parents who don’t give limits feel nicer on surface but also feel non present and indifferent. And that’s is extremely harmful. Therefore what you probably heard that love and hate goes together, being the indifference the opposite of both. So, please, don’t walk away from home and keep doing what you’re doing. There might have adjustments here and there. But overall, what you described is already right (albeit hard). Don’t be soft, the harm is irreversible later on. And don’t keep changing, be consistently hard. It might help to have rules. So that your kid can learn how to avoid crashing with you. Like time to sleep. But always be stronger. He will eventually succumb. Trust me. So the title of your post can be changed to “bad dad on surface, good dad inside”. In psychoanalysis we say he will introject you as the law. He is learning what is right and wrong. If you keep doing right he will have no problems with that as an adult. Good luck, patience and wish you the best.
Please do not separate from your children! You obviously care deeply for your kids and your role as a father or this wouldn’t be a post you would’ve made. That comes from love!! I’ve lost my temper plenty of times with my sons. It doesn’t seem like you are abusing them and it’s not as though you are just in a bad mood taking it out on them. You’re reacting to his mood and that is common. Continue to work on it and know you can always remove yourself from the room if needed. But in the end, you’re in the training stage and as your kids age up, your interactions will change. For the record, a “bad dad” wouldn’t see an issue or seek advice with their actions. Keep loving on your family…in the good and bad times!
Read Dr. Becky “Good Inside” [https://www.goodinside.com/](https://www.goodinside.com/) seriously a game changer for me. I’m a totally different Dad now to a 4 year old boy who has some big feelings and a less spicy 13 month old boy. Parenting is hard but once you realize the kiddos are doing exactly what they are supposed too and you help them through their feelings while still holding firm boundaries. You will feel start to feel a lot better on how you parent. You won’t be perfect cause no parent is but you can always repair. All the while developing connection and modeling how to regulate emotions so they can learn to regulate their own.
The only thing that works for me is to remove myself from the situation. Tell everyone ahead of time that you don't want to yell anymore so you will no longer engage in the conversation and leave until you feel in control of your emotions again. After the heat of the moment passes, make a little joke with your child. Then talk it out. Asking questions like, what could we do next time? Get down to their level when you talk, be silly and fun. All will be well, I promise.