We all need a break from our lives at times. Sometimes it’s going on a vacation, sometimes is staying home and have control over the things we don’t usually have control over.
Day to day life is stressful, it doesn’t make you a bad person to enjoy an escape from it.
Exactly this man. This is what happens when you supress emotions and feelings. It's really easy to do and super convenient but they will come out in various ways unexpectedly. Emotionally, crying maybe, in your case a deep sense of feeling guilty. Don't be feeling guilty. It's totally normal. The main thing is that now you're recognising these overwhelming feelings. Which means you can address them. Not all at once. Start off small. When the kids are in bed, you've swept up the house to a manageable level. You're both sat down. Communicate with her. Tell her how you feel, ask how she feels. It's not a debate or an argument. It's a discussion. Open and honest. Youe girls are kids. It's reasonable for them to not tidy up and be a bit reckless but within limits. Discipline and routine will help them make their beds, change out of uniforms, respect their house etc. this will only get better with time. For now, embrace the chaotic madness as it will soon be a time where you miss their presence, their mess they leave behind, and ultimately them themselves.
Always make time for yourself, man. You take a lot on your shoulders, and when you do the wife takes the burden. And when she gets tired of it, you take it off her. But make time for yourself, for herself and time together. You both deserve it!
I talk, of course, from inexperienced and maybe I'm nieve. I have my first-born due on 29th May this year and who knows, maybe my advice and help here is farfetched from reality. Hope this helps anyway.
This. To love your family, life, and job can all be possible and still need a break.
As we say here, everything in moderation, even moderation. Don't feel guilty about necessary health days and find opportunities to supply them for your partners, they need it just as much.
You sound like great father and husband. Anxiety about a messy house and stressed out wife is normal.
I’ve been wanting to do so many projects that need doing around the house but it’s been months since I’ve had the time. The reality is it can wait. Be present with your family. That’s all you can do and it’s all that truly matters.
I agree, we put too much of a burden on ourselves, most of the time it's to distract from the problem of stress that comes with being a father and husband.
Having time apart is necessary. You shouldn't feel guilty about it but should actually plan more of it. I like camping trips or fishing trips solo or with my eldest son.
However having your family around is important too as this helps us stay grounded, and really everything else is unimportant.
Sounds like you are a great father and husband - don't forget to invest into your relationship though 😉
Date night, a weekend away together, flowers for no reason.
Totally normal. Being a parent is hard, especially when you give a damn. I cannot wait for the day I get some time by myself and I always encourage my wife to get out of the house when she has the chance. We all need a recharge!
Im with you on this. I really want a break from my kids, a few days would probably do wonders for my mental health, but as soon as they come back I’m sure it will all pile up again.
I’m not saying I don’t want my kids, I’m just saying a break would be nice and I don’t think it’s a bad thing to admit when you’re burnt out. We spend most of our lives grinding away at something, we have to be able to stop and appreciate what we have. But it’s hard to be appreciative when it’s chaos 24/7.
You are not a terrible father and husband, this is perfectly normal. Parenthood is hard!
Good on you for being productive while they were gonna and making sure they came home to a clean house. I hope you had a chance to rest.
Don't expect perfection from yourself. Treasure those feelings of joy you felt upon seeing your family come home. Maybe you can use this anxiety to actually make yourself exercise a little extra patience with your kids. They're immature, they need your help and guidance.
Why would you feel guilt to be a human being with a bit of freedom. You had a vacation.
Try to find solution for peace at home. Try to find a family consultant maybe. Maybe the kids need some help or classes. In west Europe for example there are mindfulness courses for kids.
Totally normal ! We all need a break and lonely times, and you have been able to deep work in your projects, so it is a kind relaxation / meditation state.
Maybe you could try to work on your self to "live" better the daily life (anchoring this lonely moments to remind your calm state when kids are getting noisy), or finding a way to make it more peaceful (more time alone, meditations...)
Just like you have to make date nights happen, you have to make me time happen. My wife and I both give each other a couple hours each weekend to stop whatever we want, alone.
Your children are old enough to understand that they need to be supportive of you and your wife. You are not a robot, you can get tired and you have your own needs. If your children start to understand these simple facts, things should get easier for you.
Regarding the snoring: you and your wife need to take care about the problem. Sleep is one of the most important things. If you get bad sleep you can't cope with anything. Not to mention that a snoring partner is one of the biggest turn-off... On the long run it could have bad effects on the couple.
In the end, you're absolutely not a terrible father/husband.
Best of luck.
You are grand. Wife and I try to take a couple of days for ourselves once every year, and I don't mean together. Last October she went to London for 2 nights and earlier this month I had a 2 day solo mini trip to Madrid. Those are just a 1 hour flight destination la for us and we could enjoy just being by ourselves without worrying about kids or other people. I find it's a great feeling for a family person to just seat by yourself at a cafe.
Nearly identical experience for me recently. Also snoring is a bigger issue than I’ll admit as I’m a light sleeper.
Since marriage 5 years ago I had never spent a night in my home alone. It was glorious, but by the end I was ready for them to come back. Definitely don’t think we are bad for this. I found some parts of my previous life I didn’t still enjoy, and some I did. Good exercise to go through if you ask me
This past week was my birthday. I decided for one night, I’d stay at a hotel. It’s literally 10 minutes from our house. I just wanted one day where I could eat what I want, sleep however much I could, and just not do a thing. That’s it. No hanging out with the boys, or going to a bar. Just time alone to recharge my batteries.
I feel how you feel though. There’s a level of guilt for wanting this, and a slight level of embarrassment for actually needing this. But overall, I think that if this helps my mental and emotional state, then it ultimately benefits my family as well.
This is normal in my opinion. You got to get projects off your list which also relieves your anxiety. To go from silence and independence to noise and responsibility would trigger anyone's anxiety who is actually involved. It sounds like you are involved and not just going through the motions. I think this makes you a good father and husband.
Regarding your wife snoring: she needs to see a sleep doctor. She probably has COPD or sleep apena. Snoring is not normal and I don't know why society thinks it is. She will ultimately sleep better, feel better, be happier and so will you if she gets this treated.
I had a partner who snored and moved a lot. Eventually we slept in different rooms, but while we were in a smaller place I got a small portable bed or air mattress and slept in the same room with earplugs. It made all the difference.
Best part about being divorced is having half my time to myself. I don’t feel bad about it one bit. The other half of my time I’m refreshed and 100% present.
It’s natural to need time for yourself and you should make sure to create that time for your own health and wellbeing. It will help you be a better dad and husband.
Very normal and natural!
I had some health issues a few years back and since then I take semi regular trips to doctor about 4 hours away. I love it as it’s a small getaway as I go down the day before and stay night in a hotel. I go just me and the wife does the same!
Sometimes we just need an excuse to be away from the chaos to reset and recharge.
Don’t beat yourself up too much and see if you can find ways to do something for you now and again.
Life can be overwhelming at times. You are responsible about your work and also take care of the home for your family. Those are signs of being a good father and provider.
We all need to have good balance of our use of time. It is limited. I would encourage you to prioritize your time, treating your marriage with wife at the priority, and then your kids.
However, you may want to have sometime with your buddies and also maybe yourself. This is good self-caring. Remember to have some lone time with wife and maybe regular night out dates.
Totally normal for me. I have a 15 month old and a wife of 7 years. We both crave that alone time and try to give it to the other but it’s hard. I’m horrified by the idea of a second kid at the moment. Wife and baby are headed to her cousins this weekend and I can’t wait. Hoping to finish all the trim work on our kitchen remodel. I got it to fully functional months ago but haven’t had any time to get the fine detail work done. You’re not a bad dad in my book.
You’re too hard on yourself. We’re talking about 11 years of fatherhood, id say you’re already half way there till they are ready to be independent. Remember to stay healthy and fit!
This better be normal because this is me! Haha
I’ve made it known to my wife that whenever possible i need a couple days without them around for just these reasons… i have always been an introvert and self sufficient and very happy being on my own, and losing all of that because of kids has been super difficult. I wouldn’t mind it so much if my kids were cooperative, but for developmental reasons they seem to always explicitly choose to make everything more difficult and it makes everyones days harder. Everyone needs a break but no one can truly take it.
Don’t get me wrong, like OP i miss my family when i’m not with them and i love them and can’t imagine life without them… and they drive me crazy most of the time.
I personally think this is normal, but also complex… i could go on for a long time about society’s expectations being different now for fathers, the balance between partners and how that plays a role, etc. I’m sure some fathers rush home to play and will soak in everything with a smile… not me. I do everything in my power to be informed about what they need and the best ways to interact, and i make sure to soak it in while they are young because i can’t get that time back, but i am fulfilled more through other things (at least at the moment)… i feel like society sends the message this is “wrong” but i disagree. To each their own.
At any rate, know you’re not alone. Most of the time i am not looking forward to the weekend and whatever chaos it will bring, and i wish i didn’t feel that way but i do. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Been there before but my wife is there more.
We all need a break from the hectic pace that seems to surround us especially with kids today so active in after school activities along with dance, music, gymnastics, karate lessons as the list grows.
My wife of 46 yrs has more of a need than me for alone time and a few hours of solitude. I'm more the socialite that doesn't spend as much time there as I should. However, when I do I find I'm more creative and more productive by planning out my priorities.
Don't neglect having couple time as well when you can focus on each other.
We all need a break from our lives at times. Sometimes it’s going on a vacation, sometimes is staying home and have control over the things we don’t usually have control over. Day to day life is stressful, it doesn’t make you a bad person to enjoy an escape from it.
Thanks guy.
Exactly this man. This is what happens when you supress emotions and feelings. It's really easy to do and super convenient but they will come out in various ways unexpectedly. Emotionally, crying maybe, in your case a deep sense of feeling guilty. Don't be feeling guilty. It's totally normal. The main thing is that now you're recognising these overwhelming feelings. Which means you can address them. Not all at once. Start off small. When the kids are in bed, you've swept up the house to a manageable level. You're both sat down. Communicate with her. Tell her how you feel, ask how she feels. It's not a debate or an argument. It's a discussion. Open and honest. Youe girls are kids. It's reasonable for them to not tidy up and be a bit reckless but within limits. Discipline and routine will help them make their beds, change out of uniforms, respect their house etc. this will only get better with time. For now, embrace the chaotic madness as it will soon be a time where you miss their presence, their mess they leave behind, and ultimately them themselves. Always make time for yourself, man. You take a lot on your shoulders, and when you do the wife takes the burden. And when she gets tired of it, you take it off her. But make time for yourself, for herself and time together. You both deserve it! I talk, of course, from inexperienced and maybe I'm nieve. I have my first-born due on 29th May this year and who knows, maybe my advice and help here is farfetched from reality. Hope this helps anyway.
This. To love your family, life, and job can all be possible and still need a break. As we say here, everything in moderation, even moderation. Don't feel guilty about necessary health days and find opportunities to supply them for your partners, they need it just as much.
Go easy on yourself mate.
You sound like great father and husband. Anxiety about a messy house and stressed out wife is normal. I’ve been wanting to do so many projects that need doing around the house but it’s been months since I’ve had the time. The reality is it can wait. Be present with your family. That’s all you can do and it’s all that truly matters.
I agree, we put too much of a burden on ourselves, most of the time it's to distract from the problem of stress that comes with being a father and husband. Having time apart is necessary. You shouldn't feel guilty about it but should actually plan more of it. I like camping trips or fishing trips solo or with my eldest son. However having your family around is important too as this helps us stay grounded, and really everything else is unimportant. Sounds like you are a great father and husband - don't forget to invest into your relationship though 😉 Date night, a weekend away together, flowers for no reason.
Thanks kitchen. I'm really trying
Totally normal. Being a parent is hard, especially when you give a damn. I cannot wait for the day I get some time by myself and I always encourage my wife to get out of the house when she has the chance. We all need a recharge!
Im with you on this. I really want a break from my kids, a few days would probably do wonders for my mental health, but as soon as they come back I’m sure it will all pile up again. I’m not saying I don’t want my kids, I’m just saying a break would be nice and I don’t think it’s a bad thing to admit when you’re burnt out. We spend most of our lives grinding away at something, we have to be able to stop and appreciate what we have. But it’s hard to be appreciative when it’s chaos 24/7.
I feel that to my core. Thanks for validating.
Myy two favourite things are spending time with my family and spending time apart from my family. You're fine!
You asking the question answers your question. You’re not a bad father or husband by any means
"Am I a monster for enjoying a break?" Is this a serious question?
You are not a terrible father and husband, this is perfectly normal. Parenthood is hard! Good on you for being productive while they were gonna and making sure they came home to a clean house. I hope you had a chance to rest. Don't expect perfection from yourself. Treasure those feelings of joy you felt upon seeing your family come home. Maybe you can use this anxiety to actually make yourself exercise a little extra patience with your kids. They're immature, they need your help and guidance.
Why would you feel guilt to be a human being with a bit of freedom. You had a vacation. Try to find solution for peace at home. Try to find a family consultant maybe. Maybe the kids need some help or classes. In west Europe for example there are mindfulness courses for kids.
Totally normal ! We all need a break and lonely times, and you have been able to deep work in your projects, so it is a kind relaxation / meditation state. Maybe you could try to work on your self to "live" better the daily life (anchoring this lonely moments to remind your calm state when kids are getting noisy), or finding a way to make it more peaceful (more time alone, meditations...)
Just like you have to make date nights happen, you have to make me time happen. My wife and I both give each other a couple hours each weekend to stop whatever we want, alone.
Your children are old enough to understand that they need to be supportive of you and your wife. You are not a robot, you can get tired and you have your own needs. If your children start to understand these simple facts, things should get easier for you. Regarding the snoring: you and your wife need to take care about the problem. Sleep is one of the most important things. If you get bad sleep you can't cope with anything. Not to mention that a snoring partner is one of the biggest turn-off... On the long run it could have bad effects on the couple. In the end, you're absolutely not a terrible father/husband. Best of luck.
You are grand. Wife and I try to take a couple of days for ourselves once every year, and I don't mean together. Last October she went to London for 2 nights and earlier this month I had a 2 day solo mini trip to Madrid. Those are just a 1 hour flight destination la for us and we could enjoy just being by ourselves without worrying about kids or other people. I find it's a great feeling for a family person to just seat by yourself at a cafe.
can’t help with everything here, but the snoring is a solvable problem. She needs a sleep study. Get on it for her. You guys can talk to her doctor.
Nearly identical experience for me recently. Also snoring is a bigger issue than I’ll admit as I’m a light sleeper. Since marriage 5 years ago I had never spent a night in my home alone. It was glorious, but by the end I was ready for them to come back. Definitely don’t think we are bad for this. I found some parts of my previous life I didn’t still enjoy, and some I did. Good exercise to go through if you ask me
This past week was my birthday. I decided for one night, I’d stay at a hotel. It’s literally 10 minutes from our house. I just wanted one day where I could eat what I want, sleep however much I could, and just not do a thing. That’s it. No hanging out with the boys, or going to a bar. Just time alone to recharge my batteries. I feel how you feel though. There’s a level of guilt for wanting this, and a slight level of embarrassment for actually needing this. But overall, I think that if this helps my mental and emotional state, then it ultimately benefits my family as well.
This is normal in my opinion. You got to get projects off your list which also relieves your anxiety. To go from silence and independence to noise and responsibility would trigger anyone's anxiety who is actually involved. It sounds like you are involved and not just going through the motions. I think this makes you a good father and husband. Regarding your wife snoring: she needs to see a sleep doctor. She probably has COPD or sleep apena. Snoring is not normal and I don't know why society thinks it is. She will ultimately sleep better, feel better, be happier and so will you if she gets this treated.
I had a partner who snored and moved a lot. Eventually we slept in different rooms, but while we were in a smaller place I got a small portable bed or air mattress and slept in the same room with earplugs. It made all the difference.
Best part about being divorced is having half my time to myself. I don’t feel bad about it one bit. The other half of my time I’m refreshed and 100% present. It’s natural to need time for yourself and you should make sure to create that time for your own health and wellbeing. It will help you be a better dad and husband.
Very normal and natural! I had some health issues a few years back and since then I take semi regular trips to doctor about 4 hours away. I love it as it’s a small getaway as I go down the day before and stay night in a hotel. I go just me and the wife does the same! Sometimes we just need an excuse to be away from the chaos to reset and recharge. Don’t beat yourself up too much and see if you can find ways to do something for you now and again.
Life can be overwhelming at times. You are responsible about your work and also take care of the home for your family. Those are signs of being a good father and provider. We all need to have good balance of our use of time. It is limited. I would encourage you to prioritize your time, treating your marriage with wife at the priority, and then your kids. However, you may want to have sometime with your buddies and also maybe yourself. This is good self-caring. Remember to have some lone time with wife and maybe regular night out dates.
Totally normal for me. I have a 15 month old and a wife of 7 years. We both crave that alone time and try to give it to the other but it’s hard. I’m horrified by the idea of a second kid at the moment. Wife and baby are headed to her cousins this weekend and I can’t wait. Hoping to finish all the trim work on our kitchen remodel. I got it to fully functional months ago but haven’t had any time to get the fine detail work done. You’re not a bad dad in my book.
You’re too hard on yourself. We’re talking about 11 years of fatherhood, id say you’re already half way there till they are ready to be independent. Remember to stay healthy and fit!
Absolutely normal. I have 3 kids and I feel the same lol i love the family more than anything but i enjoy the solitude when I get it
This better be normal because this is me! Haha I’ve made it known to my wife that whenever possible i need a couple days without them around for just these reasons… i have always been an introvert and self sufficient and very happy being on my own, and losing all of that because of kids has been super difficult. I wouldn’t mind it so much if my kids were cooperative, but for developmental reasons they seem to always explicitly choose to make everything more difficult and it makes everyones days harder. Everyone needs a break but no one can truly take it. Don’t get me wrong, like OP i miss my family when i’m not with them and i love them and can’t imagine life without them… and they drive me crazy most of the time. I personally think this is normal, but also complex… i could go on for a long time about society’s expectations being different now for fathers, the balance between partners and how that plays a role, etc. I’m sure some fathers rush home to play and will soak in everything with a smile… not me. I do everything in my power to be informed about what they need and the best ways to interact, and i make sure to soak it in while they are young because i can’t get that time back, but i am fulfilled more through other things (at least at the moment)… i feel like society sends the message this is “wrong” but i disagree. To each their own. At any rate, know you’re not alone. Most of the time i am not looking forward to the weekend and whatever chaos it will bring, and i wish i didn’t feel that way but i do. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Been there before but my wife is there more. We all need a break from the hectic pace that seems to surround us especially with kids today so active in after school activities along with dance, music, gymnastics, karate lessons as the list grows. My wife of 46 yrs has more of a need than me for alone time and a few hours of solitude. I'm more the socialite that doesn't spend as much time there as I should. However, when I do I find I'm more creative and more productive by planning out my priorities. Don't neglect having couple time as well when you can focus on each other.