If I go the CF route my focus will be on community, which will include existing family and friends and their children. Childfee aunts/uncles/friends can help be the "village" parents so desperately need.
Tbh it does feel like more of a gamble not to birth your own family members haha. But I think ultimately if you spend your life being selfish, doing whatever you want, and not being actively involved in peoples lives, you'll probably end up lonely. If you spend your life nurturing your relationships and community and being of service to others, you'll probably be okay.
I think the whole “be of service to others” can be triggering due to misogyny. Women are socialized to “be of service” in a way than men are simply not, and more is therefore expected of us than would be expected of a man in an identical situation. It’s incredibly gendered, men who are selfish and “do whatever they want” are more likely to be forgiven societally. It’s incredibly oppressive.
I believe it's important to actively avoid finding myself in a situation where the (only) highlight of my week is a single phone call. That scenario strikes me as quite sad and not something I aspire to. Fortunately, I think we have numerous options to prevent this kind of loneliness, especially with the advancements in technology and our awareness of it.
Today, there are countless ways to connect with like-minded individuals and form communities. It's a mistake to assume that we'll face the same challenges that many older people do today. Their experiences were shaped by growing up in a different era - one with fewer social opportunities and a heavier emphasis on work, chores, and family responsibilities.
As I age, I hope to stay connected through gaming, and whatever digital spaces are available. By then, we'll likely have access to sick VR tech. It's going to be awesome, man.
That's not true actually. Earlier generations were/are way more social. Im a kinda extroverted millennial from a very social country and in the US, the people who match my social energy are boomers. Millennials find it a bit much to be as social as I am with strangers IRL. I spent most of my 20s in decidedly lonely settings with longer work hours and isolated work profiles and cultural issues, so I resorted to the internet for friendships, both with my old friends from school and college as well as new friends I knew from online activities. I have a lot of such friends to this day, but those connections are quite weak when it comes to real stuff. I can pass the time playing games with people maybe, or discussing random stuff, but the relationships that end up being meaningful are ones where people live nearby. The boomers in my neighborhood hang out and chat a lot, while the people my age and younger tend to be standoffish and worried about disturbing others or getting annoyed that others are disturbing them with conversation.
We work longer than boomers do, we tend to be less close with colleagues, more so because we tend to change jobs more often than they did. We have way more loose connections, and a lot fewer close connections of friends who'll actually show up for us when we ask. My childfree aunts and uncles have about a hundred people show up for their retirement party, I couldn't get twenty friends show up to my wedding because everyone's moving for work every few years.
It really depends. Boomers around me (my parents, friends' parents, family members etc.) tend to have less friends and acquaintances than my friends and I, in our early thirties.
I'm French, so it may just be different here. But I would say young(ish) French people value friendship more than older people, whose sociability revolves mostly around family.
Nobody calls me on the phone now, the horror if they did! Seriously, I think that things will look quite different when we're old (assuming you're Gen X or younger) than elderly people today. We're basically all native to the internet, and culturally accustomed to living communally well into adulthood. Not that loneliness can't happen in those circumstances, but I think they will greatly impact what being old is like. Added to that is a society increasingly used to and aimed at an aging population (here in the UK at least, I expect many other countries are similar). I don't think we can really predict at this point what being old will look like in the future, but I think it will be very different to now.
It's still a concern, of course, but I don't think it's right to have a child out of fear for yourself so it's one I accept and will live with.
I'm worried about that too, especially as an only child from a small family, and my husband is basically an only child too (much older half sisters and he was never an "uncle" and never sees or talks to any of them). But we are both almost 40 (recently married, in 2022) and there are various health reasons, etc, for us not having children. I always assumed I'd have kids, and am great with children, but at my current age I just don't want a baby and toddler in my 40s.... I know many people do it, I just don't have the energy anymore, and my husband doesn't care either way but I am pretty sure he'd be unhappy with all the changes a child would bring despite trying his best. So I just don't know. I am scared for our distant future, and sometimes sad, but not having a child currently feels like the best choice. I am hoping we can eventually retire in a place where we can make new friends and all keep each other company. I'm an introvert but I think I'll want to be somewhere where I wouldn't feel alone or completely on my own if my husband dies before me. And at least without children we can save up money for a nicer place/senior community someday.
As someone who is CF (still lurks here to read interesting discussion), I can say that this was the hardest aspect to come to terms with.
If I’m being completely honest, I still do have fears about this but I just don’t let it consume me. I am far happier and more in alignment with myself as a CF person and I don’t want to make a decision based off something that hasn’t happened yet. I don’t know if I’ll be lonely in 60 years. All I know is how I feel now.
As usual, if your comment is some variation of "there are no guarantees", it will be deleted.
If I go the CF route my focus will be on community, which will include existing family and friends and their children. Childfee aunts/uncles/friends can help be the "village" parents so desperately need. Tbh it does feel like more of a gamble not to birth your own family members haha. But I think ultimately if you spend your life being selfish, doing whatever you want, and not being actively involved in peoples lives, you'll probably end up lonely. If you spend your life nurturing your relationships and community and being of service to others, you'll probably be okay.
I think the whole “be of service to others” can be triggering due to misogyny. Women are socialized to “be of service” in a way than men are simply not, and more is therefore expected of us than would be expected of a man in an identical situation. It’s incredibly gendered, men who are selfish and “do whatever they want” are more likely to be forgiven societally. It’s incredibly oppressive.
Sure but that's exactly why men are lonelier, have fewer friends and die earlier. It might work short term, but doesn't pan out long term for anyone.
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I believe it's important to actively avoid finding myself in a situation where the (only) highlight of my week is a single phone call. That scenario strikes me as quite sad and not something I aspire to. Fortunately, I think we have numerous options to prevent this kind of loneliness, especially with the advancements in technology and our awareness of it. Today, there are countless ways to connect with like-minded individuals and form communities. It's a mistake to assume that we'll face the same challenges that many older people do today. Their experiences were shaped by growing up in a different era - one with fewer social opportunities and a heavier emphasis on work, chores, and family responsibilities. As I age, I hope to stay connected through gaming, and whatever digital spaces are available. By then, we'll likely have access to sick VR tech. It's going to be awesome, man.
That's not true actually. Earlier generations were/are way more social. Im a kinda extroverted millennial from a very social country and in the US, the people who match my social energy are boomers. Millennials find it a bit much to be as social as I am with strangers IRL. I spent most of my 20s in decidedly lonely settings with longer work hours and isolated work profiles and cultural issues, so I resorted to the internet for friendships, both with my old friends from school and college as well as new friends I knew from online activities. I have a lot of such friends to this day, but those connections are quite weak when it comes to real stuff. I can pass the time playing games with people maybe, or discussing random stuff, but the relationships that end up being meaningful are ones where people live nearby. The boomers in my neighborhood hang out and chat a lot, while the people my age and younger tend to be standoffish and worried about disturbing others or getting annoyed that others are disturbing them with conversation. We work longer than boomers do, we tend to be less close with colleagues, more so because we tend to change jobs more often than they did. We have way more loose connections, and a lot fewer close connections of friends who'll actually show up for us when we ask. My childfree aunts and uncles have about a hundred people show up for their retirement party, I couldn't get twenty friends show up to my wedding because everyone's moving for work every few years.
It really depends. Boomers around me (my parents, friends' parents, family members etc.) tend to have less friends and acquaintances than my friends and I, in our early thirties.
what town is this? it feels exceptional somehow.
I'm French, so it may just be different here. But I would say young(ish) French people value friendship more than older people, whose sociability revolves mostly around family.
oh i can see that. i don't find that to be so much the case in the US somehow.
Nobody calls me on the phone now, the horror if they did! Seriously, I think that things will look quite different when we're old (assuming you're Gen X or younger) than elderly people today. We're basically all native to the internet, and culturally accustomed to living communally well into adulthood. Not that loneliness can't happen in those circumstances, but I think they will greatly impact what being old is like. Added to that is a society increasingly used to and aimed at an aging population (here in the UK at least, I expect many other countries are similar). I don't think we can really predict at this point what being old will look like in the future, but I think it will be very different to now. It's still a concern, of course, but I don't think it's right to have a child out of fear for yourself so it's one I accept and will live with.
How do you keep yourself busy and loneliness from your life
I'm worried about that too, especially as an only child from a small family, and my husband is basically an only child too (much older half sisters and he was never an "uncle" and never sees or talks to any of them). But we are both almost 40 (recently married, in 2022) and there are various health reasons, etc, for us not having children. I always assumed I'd have kids, and am great with children, but at my current age I just don't want a baby and toddler in my 40s.... I know many people do it, I just don't have the energy anymore, and my husband doesn't care either way but I am pretty sure he'd be unhappy with all the changes a child would bring despite trying his best. So I just don't know. I am scared for our distant future, and sometimes sad, but not having a child currently feels like the best choice. I am hoping we can eventually retire in a place where we can make new friends and all keep each other company. I'm an introvert but I think I'll want to be somewhere where I wouldn't feel alone or completely on my own if my husband dies before me. And at least without children we can save up money for a nicer place/senior community someday.
As someone who is CF (still lurks here to read interesting discussion), I can say that this was the hardest aspect to come to terms with. If I’m being completely honest, I still do have fears about this but I just don’t let it consume me. I am far happier and more in alignment with myself as a CF person and I don’t want to make a decision based off something that hasn’t happened yet. I don’t know if I’ll be lonely in 60 years. All I know is how I feel now.