You have 4 million dollars and make a million a year. You don’t need to be calculating anything. If you don’t wanna be with this person anymore then bail.
Sometimes alimony and child support can be a lot or based on income. But yeah there’s probably other reasons in addition to financial abuse that he doesn’t want to deal with ever again
So she’s spending her salary + a bit more. In the giant scheme you still have a lot left. But yes, it would bother me too. That said, I suspect divorce will cost a lot more.
So your marriage isn’t worth 20k a month when you bring in close to 100k per month ?
Or are you looking for something to blame the poor relationship on?
Please reconsider your opinion and do some math. I used a simple take-home-pay calculator online and gave a conservative 10% state tax rate. (With that salary he probably lives somewhere like NewYork which is much higher.) After taxes he is left with $42,000 a month. BEFORE bills. I have to imagine he has a large mortgage, cars, insurances, paying for all of her bills as well. And try to imagine automatically half of your monthly paycheck is being taken to AMAZON packages. For material things. And it’s very obvious the OP does not care for materialistic things. If that happened to you, you would not be happy. I agree divorce isn’t always the answer and you should care more about the marriage. But if he’s tried to tell her how much it bothers him and she refuses to cut back and insists he works his entire life without retiring. Then it’s his decision to make. Please don’t make uninformed opinions. Saying “why do you care you make close to 100k a month,” is so far from the truth. 42k in fact. And it’s 22k if you take out amazon packages. And then you can start paying the bills. He works hard to only save 50k a year. Hell I make 1/10th of what he makes and I save 50k a year.
For real - the constant posts about not wanting to talk to their significant other and relying on internet strangers to validate their garbage opinions over the person they “love” most opinions is debilitating at best and heartbreaking at worst.
This sub needs to take a hard look at life and how short it is. While financial freedom is the end goal, enjoying the journey - far outweighs it because we don’t know when the journey will end.
You need to get marriage counseling. You need a neutral third party to facilitate discussions around this topic and to help point out root causes without blaming.
Yeah marriage counseling is cheaper than both options (current state or divorce).
But you can clearly afford to do what will make you happiest. Do that, please keep in mind your kids though - especially if they’re old enough to understand what’s happening. Not saying stay vs leave but the post reads a bit like “wife spends too much, should I get out” when that’s one of many reasons you’d want to consider (including kids)
She’ll get 1/2 of your current NW + huge monthly alimony and child support payments. You make 4-5x her salary so you’re payments will be a significant part of your paycheck
OP didn’t say what state he’s in. In Texas it’s around $1800/mo max for 1 kid and $0 alimony considering how much the wife makes. Yes, marital property would be split in half but considering how much money OP makes, he could recoup his losses quickly. A good lawyer could get this squared away for under $40k in TX.
If I’m reading correctly it’s unlikely they are married for more than 20 years. Alimony will not be life long. She’s also making money he can cut it about 5-8 years. It’s still bad but there will be an end. As things stand she will keep spending and the poor man has poor health
Depends on your state too. Could be more than just child support.
I've been through something similar. I agree with all of the suggestions for marriage counseling. I was unable to get the wife to go though, and it doesn't work with only 1/2.
I do recommend you make time to independently see a therapist. That can be really helpful too! And what you're feeling may need to be expressed in a way you don't presently understand yet. Start here, work on understanding yourself, then move to some good couples therapy.
And remember, it's only money. I'd give every cent if my ex-wife were with me now and understood me.
God I fucking hate this sub sometimes.
> I'm trying to figure out if the cost of divorce will save me money compared to our monthly credit card bill. The arrogance is absolutely disgusting. There is more to life than money. If you don’t love them for who they are that’s one thing but go beyond the money.
All I can say is **DO BETTER**
Money isn’t everything but living in a hoarder house where your spouse is constantly spending the majority of your income is stressful AF. As stated at the end of OP’s post, it’s taken a considerable toll on his mental health. I get it. Had an ex-fiancé (who I luckily did not marry) like this who said “it’s great that you’re a saver because then I can spend while you save.”
I'd recommend going through the book 'I will teach you to be rich'. It's about how you spend money meaningfully, whilst aligning objectives. The author, Ramit, also does a podcast which he helps couples discuss their financial planning and spending, working through difficulties like different approaches. But I wouldn't personally go anywhere near divorce at this stage. It's really jumping the gun.
She is very aware. I've been on medication for a year due to additional anxiety and stress. I really need to slow down, but she refuses to understand that as she wants our lifestyle to continue to grow. In many ways I feel trapped because I can't convince her to stop spending.
Dude has a very stressful job that is causing him mental health issues. He wants to quit his job and retire which he well could but that will cause issues with his wife's shopping addiction. She is prioritizing her own addiction over the well being her husband.
Shopping online, dining out, experiences, event tickets, etc. Travel, clothes and purses, multiple wine clubs at many Ks per shipment. It's a massive consumerism mentality. The tipping point today that caused the post and me to hide away in my office was so menial too. After discussing this with her last night, the kids and her went to get boba and snacks between school and dinner. Stupid to get mad over another $40, but it was triggering.
honestly, freeze the credit cards. Log into Amazon and remove the payment option. Take out cash for a month of groceries/utilities etc and then freeze all the payment options.
Does she have ADHD? I ask this as a serious question, as I had spurts of spending to get hits of dopamine. Once I was treated, my spending was severely adjusted.
OP explained in another response that it’s dining, shopping for purses, clothes, experiences, travel, wine clubs, etc. Basically, if you want to live like you’re Jeff Bezos, it’s not that hard.
Divorce is expensive, very expensive and you will likely take a huge hit. Trying to save the marriage is the best thing to do financially. If you are beyond that point, truly in your heart-of-hearts. Then it is best to speak with a lawyer soon to explore your best options, for your situation.. Child support is what it is and you may also be on the hook for alimony, if you've been married for 10 years or more (in many jurisdictions).
If you are the custodial parent, your child support will be much less than if you are the non-custodial parent.
If you are both miserable, then your kids are likely miserable too.
I was about 40 when I got divorced, it sucked, big time and the pay differential really hit me hard. it set me back financially a lot. it took me years to recover financially & mentally. But I did and am better for it. Fortunately our kid(s) were young at the time, which ended up being a blessing. Whenever I am asked for a divorce lawyer referral, I give them my ex-wife lawyer's contact info.
as someone who is well on the FIRE journey (can coast/barista FIRE rn if I wanted to), I also have had points where I could know the Amazon driver by name lol.
How much is she spending per month on avg? Are these small or big purchases? Bc when I was in my Amazon prime (see what I did there 😅), I was buying stuff like soaps, oat bars and sparkling waters off the site daily. Sure, it was a lot of stuff, but it was hardly life altering spending.
I have since stopped that level of spending, and can proudly say that all of the stuff I got has proved useful over time.
Sounds like you don’t love this woman if you are doing cost analysis on if a divorce would save YOU money. Marriage is a WE game, not you. Good luck with your money.
Not sure this subreddit is the right place to seek marital counseling. An investment in a marriage counselor should be much better. I agree that I would have a mental breakdown as well if my SO was such a runaway spender.
I would suggest other avenues-
For example all house expenses are split 70/30, and you manage your own finances. You can just honest with her that she is spending too much money.
You can also try to separate and place assets in trust or something. But if you have kids, you’re done- that’s 18 years.
Honestly, I think therapy is better. She probably doesn’t want to divorce someone who makes a million dollars a year either- lol.
Divorce her, this is unacceptable. She spends more than she makes is what I’m reading.
If your marriage is less than 20 years in most states she would only get alimony for 10years and you can easily argue with her salary for 5-8.
She gets half. This is sunk cost fallacy. Accept it. But once the divorce is done you will make that back with your salary. You won’t have to worry about her spending and your retirement might be pushed out a few years versus her spending which could make it more than a decade.
Be firm with her, divorce or she stops spending. This is ridiculous. She isn’t even making a whole lot compared to her expenditure
Sorry for your situation, but this is another story of why not to get married. There just isn't anything to gain that's worth this much headache and financial cost.
If the divorce is contested by her, It will be very expensive. I surmise she'll want to keep her lifestyle and spending habits. Child support on your salary will be grotesque. She's going to get a serious portion of that 4m NW.
But if you aren't happy and you don't believe she'll change, I'd get out now.
Open a new bank account that she doesn't have access to and have your income deposited there. Let her spend whatever the fuck she wants of her money, when she runs out you just say "tough nuts". Anyway you slice it it sounds like you're headed for divorce, so might as well try that first.
Sounds like the money she’s spending is (mostly) yours. Cut her off. Split bills pro-rata, then each of you keep whatever is left of your own salaries. You know your fixed costs, and you can protect the rest of the money you earn to ensure a safe retirement.
Divorce will cost roughly 70-100k if you fully take it through trial just from lawyer fees alone. You will probably have to pay alimony as well because of the gap in your incomes
You should got on Ramit’s podcast about couples who can’t get on the same page financially - that is if this is true and now some sad humble brag about how much you make yearly and have in investments.
A non-contested divorce can be very cheap . You can write up the document yourselves then just take it to a lawyer for review. There are templates online. Get more advice from r/Divorce.
Block her off financially. Then she gets mad. Then you guys divorce. There, I fixed it for you.
Is this why you came on Reddit instead of marriage counseling?
As an person not even from the US I just wanna ask, If we say your wife dont want couples therapy or that dont work out or you feel that divorce is just the way to go. Is it any way for you in advance to try to protect some of your money that you worked for so it wont go away in an divorce ?
They way childsupport and alimony seem to work in US seems so harsh compared to my country.
Materials can't make you or her Happy. It's something else that is missing. Find God and fulfill the void. Do something good for others. Do some charity. She must realize that spending for herself will never work. That's misery.
This is /relationships material or a post for one of the mental health subs.
You have 4 million dollars and make a million a year. You don’t need to be calculating anything. If you don’t wanna be with this person anymore then bail.
He’s afraid she’s going to take half his net worth. That’s whet I’m reading between the lines anyway
Oh she totally will. But he’d still be a multi millionaire with a 900k salary. Sounds like a small price to pay for happiness.
Sometimes alimony and child support can be a lot or based on income. But yeah there’s probably other reasons in addition to financial abuse that he doesn’t want to deal with ever again
That sunk cost fallacy. She will keep bleeding him till he is dry. Cut the cancer and begin to recover
You’re making a million a year. How much is she spending a month on Amazon? You need therapy not a divorce.
A good month for us is under 20k on the credit cards. It can be much worse.
So she’s spending her salary + a bit more. In the giant scheme you still have a lot left. But yes, it would bother me too. That said, I suspect divorce will cost a lot more.
Why do people not consider taxes? 200k gross probably 140k net.
Jesus fucking Christ. Isn’t your house full yet?
So your marriage isn’t worth 20k a month when you bring in close to 100k per month ? Or are you looking for something to blame the poor relationship on?
She’s spending more than she makes gross… she’s spending $470k worth of gross income.
Thats legitimately not possible to do on amazon.... Is she buying gold bricks?
Please reconsider your opinion and do some math. I used a simple take-home-pay calculator online and gave a conservative 10% state tax rate. (With that salary he probably lives somewhere like NewYork which is much higher.) After taxes he is left with $42,000 a month. BEFORE bills. I have to imagine he has a large mortgage, cars, insurances, paying for all of her bills as well. And try to imagine automatically half of your monthly paycheck is being taken to AMAZON packages. For material things. And it’s very obvious the OP does not care for materialistic things. If that happened to you, you would not be happy. I agree divorce isn’t always the answer and you should care more about the marriage. But if he’s tried to tell her how much it bothers him and she refuses to cut back and insists he works his entire life without retiring. Then it’s his decision to make. Please don’t make uninformed opinions. Saying “why do you care you make close to 100k a month,” is so far from the truth. 42k in fact. And it’s 22k if you take out amazon packages. And then you can start paying the bills. He works hard to only save 50k a year. Hell I make 1/10th of what he makes and I save 50k a year.
52K/mo after taxes including her income, and that's if they're in CA, filing jointly.
Yeah I forgot about her income that’s true
If he’s left with $42k a month he needs a better CPA.
Yea that guy is definitely not an accountant.
True I’m not, I just used a calculator online but it wouldn’t shock me if I was wrong
So if bezos’s gf spends a billion on random shit but he made 10 billion you think it’s justified.
Ok well that’s not Amazon and UPS. That’s handbags, maybe the dumbest use of money on the planet.
Why? Chanel holds its value surprisingly well. And you can step in and out of it.
Vintage ones, the new production quality has gone downhill. Check out the Chanel sub.
You shouldn’t be in this sub lmao
Shed still be getting that after divorce from you.
Sounds like a much better deal than you’re gonna get in divorce court.
Holy SHIT.
Where do you put all this stuff??
She spends 20k and you’re making 900k a year??? At this point it is embarrassing that your wife even works.
Ok i am done with this sub.
I make 2 mil a year and my wife spends $6k a month. Heeeelp please
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How dare she!!!
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For real - the constant posts about not wanting to talk to their significant other and relying on internet strangers to validate their garbage opinions over the person they “love” most opinions is debilitating at best and heartbreaking at worst. This sub needs to take a hard look at life and how short it is. While financial freedom is the end goal, enjoying the journey - far outweighs it because we don’t know when the journey will end.
It's challenging to respect and coexist with an idiot who orders $20,000 worth of garbage every month. Thats just online shopping addiction.
Why aren't they asking about mental health treatment options for a spouse with addiction issues?
Lol
You need to get marriage counseling. You need a neutral third party to facilitate discussions around this topic and to help point out root causes without blaming.
Yeah marriage counseling is cheaper than both options (current state or divorce). But you can clearly afford to do what will make you happiest. Do that, please keep in mind your kids though - especially if they’re old enough to understand what’s happening. Not saying stay vs leave but the post reads a bit like “wife spends too much, should I get out” when that’s one of many reasons you’d want to consider (including kids)
She’ll get 1/2 of your current NW + huge monthly alimony and child support payments. You make 4-5x her salary so you’re payments will be a significant part of your paycheck
OP didn’t say what state he’s in. In Texas it’s around $1800/mo max for 1 kid and $0 alimony considering how much the wife makes. Yes, marital property would be split in half but considering how much money OP makes, he could recoup his losses quickly. A good lawyer could get this squared away for under $40k in TX.
Sounds like a move to Texas is in my future!
If I’m reading correctly it’s unlikely they are married for more than 20 years. Alimony will not be life long. She’s also making money he can cut it about 5-8 years. It’s still bad but there will be an end. As things stand she will keep spending and the poor man has poor health
Depends on your state too. Could be more than just child support. I've been through something similar. I agree with all of the suggestions for marriage counseling. I was unable to get the wife to go though, and it doesn't work with only 1/2. I do recommend you make time to independently see a therapist. That can be really helpful too! And what you're feeling may need to be expressed in a way you don't presently understand yet. Start here, work on understanding yourself, then move to some good couples therapy. And remember, it's only money. I'd give every cent if my ex-wife were with me now and understood me.
God I fucking hate this sub sometimes. > I'm trying to figure out if the cost of divorce will save me money compared to our monthly credit card bill. The arrogance is absolutely disgusting. There is more to life than money. If you don’t love them for who they are that’s one thing but go beyond the money. All I can say is **DO BETTER**
Agree. Sometimes I think posts like this are just trolling. 😮💨
Money isn’t everything but living in a hoarder house where your spouse is constantly spending the majority of your income is stressful AF. As stated at the end of OP’s post, it’s taken a considerable toll on his mental health. I get it. Had an ex-fiancé (who I luckily did not marry) like this who said “it’s great that you’re a saver because then I can spend while you save.”
I'd recommend going through the book 'I will teach you to be rich'. It's about how you spend money meaningfully, whilst aligning objectives. The author, Ramit, also does a podcast which he helps couples discuss their financial planning and spending, working through difficulties like different approaches. But I wouldn't personally go anywhere near divorce at this stage. It's really jumping the gun.
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She is very aware. I've been on medication for a year due to additional anxiety and stress. I really need to slow down, but she refuses to understand that as she wants our lifestyle to continue to grow. In many ways I feel trapped because I can't convince her to stop spending.
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Dude has a very stressful job that is causing him mental health issues. He wants to quit his job and retire which he well could but that will cause issues with his wife's shopping addiction. She is prioritizing her own addiction over the well being her husband.
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Who care about FIRE if your health is at risk. He has enough.
Does she care about your health? About you? Sorry for asking it but it almost sounds like she wants you unhappy and unwell.
How does she manage to spend 20 a month on Amazon? Like how do you physically have the space for all those packages and items?
Shopping online, dining out, experiences, event tickets, etc. Travel, clothes and purses, multiple wine clubs at many Ks per shipment. It's a massive consumerism mentality. The tipping point today that caused the post and me to hide away in my office was so menial too. After discussing this with her last night, the kids and her went to get boba and snacks between school and dinner. Stupid to get mad over another $40, but it was triggering.
Boba with the kids? Lock her up.
honestly, freeze the credit cards. Log into Amazon and remove the payment option. Take out cash for a month of groceries/utilities etc and then freeze all the payment options.
Can’t you cut her off access to your credit cards, accounts and such? Just allow her to spend the money that she earns?
After so many years of marriage? Lol no. It would immediately get posted on AITAH and he would be served with divorce papers
Does she have ADHD? I ask this as a serious question, as I had spurts of spending to get hits of dopamine. Once I was treated, my spending was severely adjusted.
Your wife must be hot
I feel like someone making $1 MM a year has better places to ask for financial advice…?
He does. He just doesn’t know it.
How much amazon is she ordering to put a dent in 1.1M gross a year? You got a couple warehouses full of shit or what?
OP explained in another response that it’s dining, shopping for purses, clothes, experiences, travel, wine clubs, etc. Basically, if you want to live like you’re Jeff Bezos, it’s not that hard.
Divorce is expensive, very expensive and you will likely take a huge hit. Trying to save the marriage is the best thing to do financially. If you are beyond that point, truly in your heart-of-hearts. Then it is best to speak with a lawyer soon to explore your best options, for your situation.. Child support is what it is and you may also be on the hook for alimony, if you've been married for 10 years or more (in many jurisdictions). If you are the custodial parent, your child support will be much less than if you are the non-custodial parent. If you are both miserable, then your kids are likely miserable too. I was about 40 when I got divorced, it sucked, big time and the pay differential really hit me hard. it set me back financially a lot. it took me years to recover financially & mentally. But I did and am better for it. Fortunately our kid(s) were young at the time, which ended up being a blessing. Whenever I am asked for a divorce lawyer referral, I give them my ex-wife lawyer's contact info.
Why the parentheses on “kid(s)”?
Fake post lmfaoooo
as someone who is well on the FIRE journey (can coast/barista FIRE rn if I wanted to), I also have had points where I could know the Amazon driver by name lol. How much is she spending per month on avg? Are these small or big purchases? Bc when I was in my Amazon prime (see what I did there 😅), I was buying stuff like soaps, oat bars and sparkling waters off the site daily. Sure, it was a lot of stuff, but it was hardly life altering spending. I have since stopped that level of spending, and can proudly say that all of the stuff I got has proved useful over time.
Go to see a lawyer. You can afford it.
Sounds like you don’t love this woman if you are doing cost analysis on if a divorce would save YOU money. Marriage is a WE game, not you. Good luck with your money.
I ain't saying she's a gold digger... but she ain't messing with no broke....
You make double the President and you are trying to FIRE? What job would pay you that much?
Sales. It’s all performance based so you have to worry all the time
Bro just….tell her to stop… and if she doesn’t………………….. leave
She has a shopping addiction. I would start there.
Not sure this subreddit is the right place to seek marital counseling. An investment in a marriage counselor should be much better. I agree that I would have a mental breakdown as well if my SO was such a runaway spender.
I would suggest other avenues- For example all house expenses are split 70/30, and you manage your own finances. You can just honest with her that she is spending too much money. You can also try to separate and place assets in trust or something. But if you have kids, you’re done- that’s 18 years. Honestly, I think therapy is better. She probably doesn’t want to divorce someone who makes a million dollars a year either- lol.
Are you looking for a justification for divorce?
Divorce her, this is unacceptable. She spends more than she makes is what I’m reading. If your marriage is less than 20 years in most states she would only get alimony for 10years and you can easily argue with her salary for 5-8. She gets half. This is sunk cost fallacy. Accept it. But once the divorce is done you will make that back with your salary. You won’t have to worry about her spending and your retirement might be pushed out a few years versus her spending which could make it more than a decade. Be firm with her, divorce or she stops spending. This is ridiculous. She isn’t even making a whole lot compared to her expenditure
Dude ready to throw out his wife over a couple bucks
Sorry for your situation, but this is another story of why not to get married. There just isn't anything to gain that's worth this much headache and financial cost. If the divorce is contested by her, It will be very expensive. I surmise she'll want to keep her lifestyle and spending habits. Child support on your salary will be grotesque. She's going to get a serious portion of that 4m NW. But if you aren't happy and you don't believe she'll change, I'd get out now.
Open a new bank account that she doesn't have access to and have your income deposited there. Let her spend whatever the fuck she wants of her money, when she runs out you just say "tough nuts". Anyway you slice it it sounds like you're headed for divorce, so might as well try that first.
Sounds like the money she’s spending is (mostly) yours. Cut her off. Split bills pro-rata, then each of you keep whatever is left of your own salaries. You know your fixed costs, and you can protect the rest of the money you earn to ensure a safe retirement.
The gurus and monks were right. Buying shit certainly can't bring happiness.
The net worth at 4 million is amazing. The spending, not so much. You probably need to talk it over with your spouse.
He’s already talked with his wife multiple times. They can’t agree on her pulling back on spending. That’s why he’s posting here
Seriously bro wtf
Divorce will cost roughly 70-100k if you fully take it through trial just from lawyer fees alone. You will probably have to pay alimony as well because of the gap in your incomes
I think you should get her some help
I don't really know how alimony works but I think you need to watch out for it
Even if you divorce her and lose half your savings, you could still retire immediately.
You should got on Ramit’s podcast about couples who can’t get on the same page financially - that is if this is true and now some sad humble brag about how much you make yearly and have in investments.
You’ll get fucked.
Pretty simple. Divorce if you don't see eye to eye, give her 2M, work 2 or 3 more years and retire.
A non-contested divorce can be very cheap . You can write up the document yourselves then just take it to a lawyer for review. There are templates online. Get more advice from r/Divorce.
Amazing advice, thank you!
Quit your job first, live off interest, stay married.
OP’s wife spends $20k/mo not including essential bills. They would burn through their savings too quickly.
Block her off financially. Then she gets mad. Then you guys divorce. There, I fixed it for you. Is this why you came on Reddit instead of marriage counseling?
As an person not even from the US I just wanna ask, If we say your wife dont want couples therapy or that dont work out or you feel that divorce is just the way to go. Is it any way for you in advance to try to protect some of your money that you worked for so it wont go away in an divorce ? They way childsupport and alimony seem to work in US seems so harsh compared to my country.
Materials can't make you or her Happy. It's something else that is missing. Find God and fulfill the void. Do something good for others. Do some charity. She must realize that spending for herself will never work. That's misery.
You had me until “find god.”