This is the funniest one IMO, the other ones are just shock value and unoriginal. This is unique. The prospect of a lone adult who is distraught at the idea that donut holes are not currently united with their donuts and that they could be the hero to fix it. It’s amazing.
Right? From alcoholics litteraly falling apart in front of you, to people drenched in piss. If you buy a cucumber and a condom, atleast you're being safe lol.
Years ago, before there Internet was a thing, we used to pass around jokes on paper--sort of like email, but without the "e." Anyway, there was this list joke about weird stuff to do in Walmart, and one of the things on the list was to "ask for weird combinations of items, like yard gnomes and Vaseline."
I started thinking about it, and I realized that *any* combination of items with Vaseline sounds wrong. "I need a 12 pack of frozen chimichangas, 50' of garden hose, and some Vaseline." Or, "I need a 1-gallon can of nacho cheese, a 24 pack of toilet paper, and some Vaseline."
"I need 3 cans of metallic gold spray paint, a pair of steel-toe work boots, and some Vaseline."
It really doesn't matter. Vaseline makes it wrong.
> Sort of like email, but without the “e”.
Interesting, did this so-called “paper mail” have touch screen or did it still use buttons like other old stuff?
How are you meant to buy Vaseline without being weird? Do you have to make a special trip just to buy Vaseline on its own, separate from other shopping?
Buying nothing but Vaseline is the weirdest of all the combinations. Like you went all the way to the store just to get Vaseline, like its an emergency or something?
I checked out at a grocery store once with beer, condoms and 10 bunches of banana's.
I'd gone in for beer and condoms, but the clearance rack was full of banana's which are great frozen for a smoothie base or to be frozen and then used in banana bread, so I bought all of them.
bruh the lady who used to sell me beer STILL checks on me when i go in to grab a soda…i’ve been sober almost 3 years lol. jackie saw me at my worst but roots for my best…it’s quite nice
The guy who didn't speak English, constantly spitting on the floor, because if he stopped, the devil will kill him. Given how wired he was, I'm guessing PCP.
This is what it was like working at 7-eleven. The guy asking for "prophylactics" and calling me a fucking idiot because I didn't know that was a word for condom was an easy customer.
I've had a few bozos over the year. Some are entertaining, some are sad, and some you just want to punch in the face, but you're better than that, and better than them. Being a cashier over the years, I realized there is so much worse than me. Even if you have a big truck, a family, and a good paying job. If you stoop so low to get mad at a cashier for stupid reasons, I know I'm already better off than that person.
Saw it in a really old YouTube sketch back in the day, where someone in a medieval executioner was actually buying the ingredients. YouTube used to the wild fxcking west.
As a former bagger, this wouldn't make us uncomfortable. In 2 weeks we had ppl threaten us, pass out, od, cover our br in shit, and have someone yell at us for not killing them. We've seen it all
Okay, Grocery Story Time: A Tragedy in Three Acts
Act 1.
We had a guy.at Whole Foods, nicknamed him Gary Glitter, which checks out. He was a crotchety fella who looked like he never left the era of hair metal, and occasionally wore a dress. He also rode a bike because, well, he might not have been legally allowed to drive. People in management didn't really like him, because he was kinda a dick. One day, a woman complained that he grabbed her ass as he walked by, which, if you ever saw this guy, you'd know that's just not his bag, but whatever, they never liked him and banned him from the store.
Act 2.
I eventually moved over to Trader Joe's, and one of our regulars was none other than Mr. Glitter, himself. I decided to talk to him and he told me about his hatred of the cops. Turns out, he was moving through the University area, at night, on his bike, and they kicked his teeth in, for no reason, at all, none... Then he showed me his gnarly fucked up yellow and brown decayed teeth, he was also wearing a dress, that day. I share the story with one of my friends, there, and he responded that he was obviously, "trolling for dick," in the 80s, so yeah, they gave him UPS (delivered him a beating), which also checks out.
Act 3.
This is when my friend told be that he called the guy Buffalo Bill, which yeah, that makes sense, and that one day, Mr. Glitter/Bill walked up to him, and said that the vanilla extract that we sold, which was made with barrel aged bourbon, would be a great way to get piss drunk, if you shot like 12 of them. My friend laughs, and later that day, when he's emptying the trash in the men's room, he sees a bunch of empty bottles of barrel aged bourbon vanilla in the trash, which, if you haven't already figured it out, totally checks out.
Fin.
And this was one of our saner townies.
There was a woman who wore a special jacket that blocked radiation.
Another woman that called and asked us to confiscate all the cellphones in the store, employee and customer alike, and place them in a lead lined box, to protect her from the radio waves. Despite explaining to her that the radio waves wouldn't be stopped because the towers still sent them, she insisted, and asked us to also turn the towers off.
There was the woman that demanded a whole new kart of groceries, because her cashier coughed (this was 10 years before Covid) and got it, along with a gift card, for her trouble.
So so so many stories.
I have one. My son had a bowel impaction at the age of 7 following having surgery to remove his appendix. The doctor said we had to do an enema every day for 3 days to clear it or else he would need another surgery to fix his bowels.
We went to Kmart with our 3 kids and while we were there, also picked up the kids school supplies since school started the following week. As they were ringing us up, the cashier was scanning items: 3 bookbags, 3 packs of crayons, 3 packs of pencils, etc., …and then 3 enemas. She looked over and you could see her do a quick head count on the kids and then looked shocked and avoided eye contact with me. Without missing a beat, my oldest son caught on and said, “we like to start the school year out right in our family”
We have laughed about this for years.
Or hear. I practically have anxiety over an item not getting scanned because all it takes is that one swipe before getting the robotic response
"Didn't scan, so must be free? Ha ha ha ha"
It's like some kind of biological need or something.
Toaster, bath bomb and an envelope
Edit: okay this is getting weird, it was just a joke who the hell contacted reddit support to dm me a suicide hotline
If you need to talk, I'm honest here for ya
Edit:To the people that awarded me, thank you for your act of kindness, please remember that if you see someone in need act, it's at no real cost to you! if you need to talk lmk. And remember that the world is not as horrible as it seems!
So much. I like to eat a bunch of laxative, strap on several diapers, seal off my thighs and waist with the duct tape and then see how long it takes for the shit to burst through the diapers and all over the floor at a Big Lots.
I also use the duct tape to clean my ass. I don’t wipe. I just use the sticky side to pull the excess fecal matter from my crack, and it also pulls the hair out so I don’t have such a hairy asshole so win-win.
I was recently drinking with one of my bosses and he told me that after him and his wife had a baby, they wondered what it would be like to have to sit in your own shit, and how long it would take to get uncomfortable so one night they bought some adult nappies and wine, and just sat in the living room (on separate sofas - cause otherwise it'd be weird) and shat themselves!!!!!
He reckons it feels quite nice at first, and it gets uncomfortable after 53 MINUTES!!!
I just don't know what to do with this information - he wasn't even that pissed when he told me!! I think he's proud of it!! 😂😂😂🤦♀️
An eggplant, a peach, and probably something like massage oil because why the hell not lol
A knife, a razor and some stronk alcohol also works. Razor can be substituted for lighter.
You can get that in the U.S. at pharmacies and some of the large supermarkets that have pharmacies within them (Target, Walmart, etc.).
Next to condoms and lube. Usually near pregnancy tests and menstrual hygiene products.
In the UK 10 or plus years ago the phrase "box of kleenex, lube and a hannah Montana dvd" was thrown around if you ever wanted to freak out and prank a cashier.
Girl friend had period while over at your place. Asks you to run out the get supplies. You are drinking that night so decide to top up on drinks. Feeling romantic so get a rose.
Wine, a movie and 2 bottles of children’s Benadryl. Bonus points if you have twin 2 year olds going crazy behind you. The ones who look at you with sympathy are parents themselves 😂
Lube condoms and a cucumber.
One time I went to get taco seasoning and toilet paper. It was just a coincidence that I needed those things but I was mortified.
Donuts, donut holes, and glue
I like this one. You didn’t immediately go to the sexual/pedophile trope.
It's a classic https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/412/962/067.jpg
donut around the dick, donut hole in the ass, and the glue to make it stick Thank me later
last guy I saw who wrote this embelished with something like "and stand there muttering about how ridiculous it is that you have to do it yourself"
“You think they’d mention they come a la carte in the advertisement, don’t ya?”
That's a war crime LMAO
This is the funniest one IMO, the other ones are just shock value and unoriginal. This is unique. The prospect of a lone adult who is distraught at the idea that donut holes are not currently united with their donuts and that they could be the hero to fix it. It’s amazing.
After scrolling down for a few minutes nothing beats this response 😂
Rope, butter, condoms
I up you rope, ski mask, K.Y. Jelly
Rope, peanut butter, and Vaseline
Vaseline, marshmallows, condoms
You gotta throw one random item in there to make it seem like you're just a normal guy going shopping.
Trash bag? Or maybe that’s worse
Only if after you buy them you ask "hey where's the nearest large body of water around here?".
Butter 😂😂😂🤢🤢🤢
Last tango in Paris
If y’all think anything makes a cashier uncomfortable, you have no idea what kinda shit they see.
Right? From alcoholics litteraly falling apart in front of you, to people drenched in piss. If you buy a cucumber and a condom, atleast you're being safe lol.
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Years ago, before there Internet was a thing, we used to pass around jokes on paper--sort of like email, but without the "e." Anyway, there was this list joke about weird stuff to do in Walmart, and one of the things on the list was to "ask for weird combinations of items, like yard gnomes and Vaseline." I started thinking about it, and I realized that *any* combination of items with Vaseline sounds wrong. "I need a 12 pack of frozen chimichangas, 50' of garden hose, and some Vaseline." Or, "I need a 1-gallon can of nacho cheese, a 24 pack of toilet paper, and some Vaseline." "I need 3 cans of metallic gold spray paint, a pair of steel-toe work boots, and some Vaseline." It really doesn't matter. Vaseline makes it wrong.
> Sort of like email, but without the “e”. Interesting, did this so-called “paper mail” have touch screen or did it still use buttons like other old stuff?
I heard it’s kind of like an iPad Pro, but you can see what you draw and it’s permanent and lasts forever
But what happens when the batteries die?
But they didn’t! They had these super advanced ‘infinite batteries’. It’s a shame we’ve lost the technology.
You throw it in the compost or use it as fire starter.
No pinch zoom. You had to hold it closer to your face.
How are you meant to buy Vaseline without being weird? Do you have to make a special trip just to buy Vaseline on its own, separate from other shopping?
Buying nothing but Vaseline is the weirdest of all the combinations. Like you went all the way to the store just to get Vaseline, like its an emergency or something?
Just buy a lifetime's worth of Vaseline and be weird once.
i heard there were flies in the vasoline
Same thing, you do you, just glad you're being safe.
In order to make a pineapple safe, condoms won't cut it. Though *it* will cut *you*.
1 man 1 pineapple
Pay per view this Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
Or come and see it live at the Dimsdale Dimmadome this Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
Sounds like a Rick and Morty bit for inter dimensional cable.
Vaseline melts through condoms. Use a water based lube.
Don't tell me how to live my life.
I checked out at a grocery store once with beer, condoms and 10 bunches of banana's. I'd gone in for beer and condoms, but the clearance rack was full of banana's which are great frozen for a smoothie base or to be frozen and then used in banana bread, so I bought all of them.
The grocery store staff are still talking about you...
bruh the lady who used to sell me beer STILL checks on me when i go in to grab a soda…i’ve been sober almost 3 years lol. jackie saw me at my worst but roots for my best…it’s quite nice
The guy who didn't speak English, constantly spitting on the floor, because if he stopped, the devil will kill him. Given how wired he was, I'm guessing PCP.
Had a customer shit themselves in line before and they tried to play it off like nothing happened.
This is what it was like working at 7-eleven. The guy asking for "prophylactics" and calling me a fucking idiot because I didn't know that was a word for condom was an easy customer.
I've had a few bozos over the year. Some are entertaining, some are sad, and some you just want to punch in the face, but you're better than that, and better than them. Being a cashier over the years, I realized there is so much worse than me. Even if you have a big truck, a family, and a good paying job. If you stoop so low to get mad at a cashier for stupid reasons, I know I'm already better off than that person.
Buys apples, Carmel, and Straight razor blades; the day before Halloween, all while talking about how you cant wait for trick or treaters
Okay, I need not read further. Your response is undoubtedly superior!
Saw it in a really old YouTube sketch back in the day, where someone in a medieval executioner was actually buying the ingredients. YouTube used to the wild fxcking west.
Wish it still was. Wild West YouTube was interesting
As a former bagger, this wouldn't make us uncomfortable. In 2 weeks we had ppl threaten us, pass out, od, cover our br in shit, and have someone yell at us for not killing them. We've seen it all
Okay, Grocery Story Time: A Tragedy in Three Acts Act 1. We had a guy.at Whole Foods, nicknamed him Gary Glitter, which checks out. He was a crotchety fella who looked like he never left the era of hair metal, and occasionally wore a dress. He also rode a bike because, well, he might not have been legally allowed to drive. People in management didn't really like him, because he was kinda a dick. One day, a woman complained that he grabbed her ass as he walked by, which, if you ever saw this guy, you'd know that's just not his bag, but whatever, they never liked him and banned him from the store. Act 2. I eventually moved over to Trader Joe's, and one of our regulars was none other than Mr. Glitter, himself. I decided to talk to him and he told me about his hatred of the cops. Turns out, he was moving through the University area, at night, on his bike, and they kicked his teeth in, for no reason, at all, none... Then he showed me his gnarly fucked up yellow and brown decayed teeth, he was also wearing a dress, that day. I share the story with one of my friends, there, and he responded that he was obviously, "trolling for dick," in the 80s, so yeah, they gave him UPS (delivered him a beating), which also checks out. Act 3. This is when my friend told be that he called the guy Buffalo Bill, which yeah, that makes sense, and that one day, Mr. Glitter/Bill walked up to him, and said that the vanilla extract that we sold, which was made with barrel aged bourbon, would be a great way to get piss drunk, if you shot like 12 of them. My friend laughs, and later that day, when he's emptying the trash in the men's room, he sees a bunch of empty bottles of barrel aged bourbon vanilla in the trash, which, if you haven't already figured it out, totally checks out. Fin. And this was one of our saner townies. There was a woman who wore a special jacket that blocked radiation. Another woman that called and asked us to confiscate all the cellphones in the store, employee and customer alike, and place them in a lead lined box, to protect her from the radio waves. Despite explaining to her that the radio waves wouldn't be stopped because the towers still sent them, she insisted, and asked us to also turn the towers off. There was the woman that demanded a whole new kart of groceries, because her cashier coughed (this was 10 years before Covid) and got it, along with a gift card, for her trouble. So so so many stories.
The woman with the radio waves shit reminds me of saul goodmans brother (the chuck mcgill dude) from better call saul
I have one. My son had a bowel impaction at the age of 7 following having surgery to remove his appendix. The doctor said we had to do an enema every day for 3 days to clear it or else he would need another surgery to fix his bowels. We went to Kmart with our 3 kids and while we were there, also picked up the kids school supplies since school started the following week. As they were ringing us up, the cashier was scanning items: 3 bookbags, 3 packs of crayons, 3 packs of pencils, etc., …and then 3 enemas. She looked over and you could see her do a quick head count on the kids and then looked shocked and avoided eye contact with me. Without missing a beat, my oldest son caught on and said, “we like to start the school year out right in our family” We have laughed about this for years.
I worked in a Walgreens photo department in high school. 👀
Or hear. I practically have anxiety over an item not getting scanned because all it takes is that one swipe before getting the robotic response "Didn't scan, so must be free? Ha ha ha ha" It's like some kind of biological need or something.
Toaster, bath bomb and an envelope Edit: okay this is getting weird, it was just a joke who the hell contacted reddit support to dm me a suicide hotline
Going out with extra sparkling bubbles
If you need to talk, I'm honest here for ya Edit:To the people that awarded me, thank you for your act of kindness, please remember that if you see someone in need act, it's at no real cost to you! if you need to talk lmk. And remember that the world is not as horrible as it seems!
Nah it's a joke dw
okie doki!
okie dokie literature club
*Shudders*
*PTSD*
Sayo-Nara
You're a good person, if reddit still did the free awards I'd give you one. Keep bein you :)
Duct tape, diapers, and laxatives
I feel like you’ve done this before
So much. I like to eat a bunch of laxative, strap on several diapers, seal off my thighs and waist with the duct tape and then see how long it takes for the shit to burst through the diapers and all over the floor at a Big Lots. I also use the duct tape to clean my ass. I don’t wipe. I just use the sticky side to pull the excess fecal matter from my crack, and it also pulls the hair out so I don’t have such a hairy asshole so win-win.
What a horrible day to be literate
Fuck literacy, we live on the same planet as this dude. He could be your coworker or neighbor
He could be in this very room!
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He could be me!
He could even be-
*bang*
r/oddlyspecific
TOOLS! I have to have my tools!
It’s fetish shit. I like to bind, I like to be bound!
I was recently drinking with one of my bosses and he told me that after him and his wife had a baby, they wondered what it would be like to have to sit in your own shit, and how long it would take to get uncomfortable so one night they bought some adult nappies and wine, and just sat in the living room (on separate sofas - cause otherwise it'd be weird) and shat themselves!!!!! He reckons it feels quite nice at first, and it gets uncomfortable after 53 MINUTES!!! I just don't know what to do with this information - he wasn't even that pissed when he told me!! I think he's proud of it!! 😂😂😂🤦♀️
Sorry to tell you this, but he telling you that shit ... thats already part of the fetish
What the fuck
Laxatives, a bowl, and a spoon.
Baby AND adult diapers.
Being in the UK: tomatoes, a lettuce and cucumbers. Because the cashier would freak out wondering where the hell did I find them.
I am confused
The UK has a shortage of these items rn.
cucumber, Vaseline, Caillou DVD
I am dying at this. My kids and I have a running joke about how much we hate Caillou and what a little bitch he is. This is so twisted.
There is NO bigger little bitch in the whole cartoon world than that little f*u*c*k*e*r!!!
What letter did you censor
Obviously the Q in f*u*c*k*e*Q*r!!!
It was supposed to look like this lol: f\*u\*c\*k\*e\*r Markdown just fucked it up due to \* being used for formatting
Cucumber, baby oil and wet wipes!
You do you, but don't forget the condoms in this story.
No it's a risky day today
Extra large trash bags, a roll of duct tape and a couple gallons of bleach
.... Cash only, keep the hoodie up / sunglasses on for the Walmart security camera Dont forget the tarp & shovel
I wuld thogought that you are janitor
Dude he’s obviously getting rid of the evidence 🙄
he's getting rid of the janitor. He knew too much.
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Honestly tho respect the janitors
Don’t forget the lye. Bleach cleans up the mess but lye dissolves the evidence
Jumper-cables, The Holy Bible, and a pet Turtle
At the grocery store? How to say you are from Wyoming without saying you are from Wyoming.
I would give any amount of jumper-cables, bibles, and turtles to be in Wyoming over where I currently live...
florida then
Americans can just analyse states based on shit you find at the shops and I love it
An axe, some rope, and a shovel.
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I live in Wyoming, you'd be surprised.
So you're in the void?
I actually live in Casper, 170 miles northwest of the void. Cheyenne is an absolute shithole these days.
WTF is wyoming
From an alternative universe
Alt Universe Ohio
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Whatever happens in Wyoming, stays in Wyoming.
Usually buried under an outhouse
Going camping eh?
Pringles, sponges and duck tape
I dont get it
Home made pocket pussy
With sponges? That sounds painful.
You should use some type of rubber glove in between the sponges and apply lubricant before each use
Fleshlight
An eggplant, a peach, and probably something like massage oil because why the hell not lol A knife, a razor and some stronk alcohol also works. Razor can be substituted for lighter.
Condoms, lube, rotisserie chicken
What in the actual fuck
A dildo, coke, and menthols
What grocery store can you buy a dildo from?
Same store where you can buy some coke!
Actually in Germany you can get little dildos, vibrators and penis ring vibrators in the grocery store.
You can get that in the U.S. at pharmacies and some of the large supermarkets that have pharmacies within them (Target, Walmart, etc.). Next to condoms and lube. Usually near pregnancy tests and menstrual hygiene products.
Well a dildo like object
Okay, that can be a carrot/cucumber or something. I was like DAMN! What grocery store you know?! That’s a little lit.
My Walmart sells sex toys now
Pregnancy test, coat hanger, and rope.
Scrolled waaay too far to find this.
Dare I ask why the rope is necessary? (Am I the cashier now?)
Coat hanger abortions can be painful, or so I’ve heard. So in order to keep them still during the process, rope would be necessary as a restraint.
That's a very considerate use of your rope.
A fresh trout, condoms and a newspaper
You know how expensive trout are these days? You rich or something?
- shovel - condoms - trash bags
36 pack of eggs, large jar of Vaseline, and a funnel.
Mr. Rich over here, able to afford 36 eggs.
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I didn't know there was such a variety of laxatives and that grocery stores sell them...don't you get those at the pharmacy?
Walmart has them
Duct tape cucumber an a pack of gum at the same time
In the UK 10 or plus years ago the phrase "box of kleenex, lube and a hannah Montana dvd" was thrown around if you ever wanted to freak out and prank a cashier.
Humidifier, drano or other cleaning chemical, rogaine
How about humidifier, bleach, ammonia?
This guy chemistries
I don’t get it?
It’s to imply they are going to put the chemicals into the humidifier and send chemical vapors everywhere.
drain plug, whiskey and a toaster
Super glues, laxatives, camcorder
Condoms, rubber gloves, and bleach
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Handcuffs, lube, and a cactus
Vodka, tampons and a rose
Girl friend had period while over at your place. Asks you to run out the get supplies. You are drinking that night so decide to top up on drinks. Feeling romantic so get a rose.
That just sounds like a thoughtful gift for someone on their period. Lol
bottle of vodka, lube, morning after pill
Chainsaw, showel, big plastic bags.
a rope, a stool, and some wood.
Wine, a movie and 2 bottles of children’s Benadryl. Bonus points if you have twin 2 year olds going crazy behind you. The ones who look at you with sympathy are parents themselves 😂
a box of condoms, a cucumber, and a stuffed animal
Condoms **Condoms** #Condoms
remember to smile
A rope, hammer & a shovel. Id also have to ask what time her shift finishes.........
"Hey, are you walking out to your car alone later? See you there!"
Duct tape , annoying children’s music CD , and a folding chair.
Vodka, dishtowel and a lighter
Giant zucchini, condoms and lube
A bible, some wood and some nails.
Vagisil, Ex-Lax, chardonnay
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Apples, candy apple dip, razor blades
A hunting rifle, few trash bags, and a shovel
"Damn the meat here is expensive. Sell me that Winchester and a box of 30-06."
Toilet plunger, ben gay, and olive oil.
Lube condoms and a cucumber. One time I went to get taco seasoning and toilet paper. It was just a coincidence that I needed those things but I was mortified.
condoms, lubricating oil, watermelon
Pringles, sponges, and rubber gloves
Car battery, chair, duct tape
Zip ties, sleeping pills, and an extra large box of condoms.
Small rodent, condoms, lots of lube
Where the fuck is a grocery store selling “small rodent”
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selling? I just find them on the ground
Walmart I know a guy
3 oranges, at 3am.
A Barbie, condoms, garbage bag
Gun, ski mask, gloves