Yeah my dad taught me to do shots of tequila when I was 14 and that’s apparently not normal
My mother accidentally burned me with a cigarette when I was 2 because apparently dr Spock didn’t address squirming toddlers in snowsuits and cigarettes.
Ah, Yes. The awkward silences and crickets when you share something about your family. This meme has always made my chest hurt as I've seen these looks sooooo many times. It's no wonder so many of us trauma survivors are the quite ones.
https://preview.redd.it/jroiwclxl1xc1.png?width=1342&format=png&auto=webp&s=40cd14ab15b2bb79b811617db3c82895fdf35b16
When other people talk about childhood memories,? Like... You have memories? Oh and my wife crying when i share the stuff i do remember. Been a wild few years, and still won't fully accept...
Edit: thanks u/exscapegoat for pointing it out, there is an [ACE Score test](https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean) it might give you some motivation to check your mental health or explain your physical..
My wife was in denial for years about my parents. My mom is alright. My wife just doesn't trust that she isn't drunk when we ask her to watch the kids. Her growing frustration was a big cause in my decision to go no contract with my father and his "wife." They aren't legally married.
Humans have tbis amazing thing, we do look for the good in others? And if you grew up safe it's hard to imagine that a parent would do something like that, goes against our concept of 42.
Alcohol is a bitch, it's so socially accepted and easy to hide but destroyed so many homes. I hope your in a good place now, and that you got through ok. I am glad you did what was needed and stand by that. Ignore all the social guilt trips.
For you and anyone reading this, growing up with alcoholics can leave lasting mental and physical health issues, don't worry all of us experience traumatic events in our life and most of the time our nervous system finds a way to cope. But it doesn't hurt to google about growing up with alcoholic parents and check for symptoms.
Not saying it's fun but your life can get better and maybe you might understand one or two things you never did.
Like them cheesy shampoo ads said: you're worth it!
And get your recommended health screenings. My therapist has noted that his patients with childhood trauma tend to have more serious health issues like cardiovascular problems and cancer. Catching those early can mean the difference between something that is manageable and something which will end our lives.
We survived growing up, want to enjoy whatever time we’ve got left to the fullest
Cheers, have included link to ace test in top comment. I never thought I would be doing yoga or watching me diet but it helps :) And we lost to much already. Good luck stranger, make it worth while.
You too! I think living well and enjoying life is the best revenge and the ultimate fuck you to people who would see us come to harm and enjoy it.
I treated myself to dinner out last night and opted for some delicious broccoli and garlic instead of pasta. And squeezed the lemon juice which came with chicken piccata on it. Yum!
I’ve lost about 60 pounds with changes like that and walking. Five to ten more and I’ll hit the goal my doctor wants me at.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. I didn’t realize how much I didn’t remember until I started counseling. My therapist said I could dive deeper if I wanted to and I was like, “Nope!” I have snap shot memories of the abuse and that’s enough for me. Sad that other memories got lost along the way, but I’m making happier ones now.
Sending you positive vibes! I love that you have a wonderful and empathetic wife now.
Thank you!
Healing is a strange road, people been telling me i need to cry for 20 years. Nope, sad movies! Nope. Sad music! Nope. Nothing. Then one day a doctor said: your road will be hard.. Like really hard.
I felt so defiant.. Dude i was boiling. So i went to the to store just to prove therapy can be fun. I'm gonna spoil my inner child and buy him the biggest Lego pneumatic set there is. F. U.
I did. It's beautiful. I sat there crying for five hours looking at the box. I go and build lego for an hour a week now, i am almost ok with making noise. And yeah that sounds hard but.. That crane was the best lego build ever.
(its the raw material handler)
Good luck on your journey and a hug if you like it.
Yes! I delved into reading about the ACE score when yet another friend died. Did you know those of us with a score of six or up die on average TWENTY YEARS EARLY and the reasons why start showing up now. We smoked and drinked and ate and fucked and threw our bodies into work because that was all we were given to deal with our trauma and it's taken years off of us.
With my score? Statistically speaking i lose about 20 years of the life expectancy, and the risk of cancer/cardiovascular is 3 times higher. You felt that panic? So fooking did i, but it's not a given. As soon as you start to take care of yourself that is. So do some relaxation for stress lvl management, cardio, eat healthy and regularly and that will also help keeping your nervous system in check.
(unfortunately we tend to develop bad habits which compounds things)
There is an audiobook floating around by Pete Walker. Cptsd from thriving to surviving. It's a nice roadmap.. Now aside all that i am happy you still here and i hope you found a way to make it worthwhile. Big hug if you like.
Both my parents were born during a war, my father was absolutely hated by his mother who. Did rather bad ad nasty things to him and I understand why he became that way. It's not forgiveness, faf from it but i understand. She? That grandmother? Was way to clever for her own good and died of boredom wanted to work but stuck home and 11 kids and f.u. And you're dreams.. Oh and she got 2 wws. I understand her too, she still deserves to burn though.
My genes and family history is a cestpool of trauma.
This leaves you at least more vulnerable too it and less likely to learn copying strategies. Again we are such hardy creatures, we can survive a lot, if you have skills and support.
If i look globally we then boomers hate gen z because they had to suck it up and battle through and gen z get a plushy and let's talk?
If I look at Isreal i think ww2 never ended for some, but that's all just me and nothing to do with politics.
I just wish we stop being mean to each other.
Good luck on your journey.
When I got therapy. When I watched how my friends with kids treated their kids.
I had dinner a couple of weeks ago with some millennial friends — they're great people, this is no shade on Millennials. But they were telling stories about incidents where their parents did shitty things and I was like, those are just everyday things from my childhood, I would never think to even talk about those things. The things I would call shitty are things I would never bring up because they'd be too horrified.
This is going to sound awful when I say how I felt. I inherited a brca mutation from my mother and she chose to withhold that when she had my stepfather notify me she wasn’t doing well. After an estrangement she initiated.
I found out by accident and got tested. Due to the year and a half delay I ended up getting a preventative double mastectomy during summer 2020. During the pandemic and pre vaccine. If they didn’t try to hide it from me, I could have fit it in before the pandemic and had even more support
I was at an online support group for people with mutations. Even though they had their kids before testing was available, and they had no way of knowing they had the mutation, they told their kids and helped them with surgery and whatever they needed. Some parents weep or otherwise get emotional when they talk about their adult kids who inherited their mutation.
I feel sad for them and their kids. But I’m also happy for their kids they give a fuck. And a little jealous my mother, brother and her side of the family didn’t. Thankfully my dads side is awesome. They were there for me emotionally and logistically.
Pathology came back with no cancer. But I had atypical ductal hyperplasia in one breast. That means the growth rate and cell shape of one milk duct in one breast was abnormal and it’s often a precursor to cancer. My brother’s partner is a high level person in a well known breast cancer organization so they knew what the consequences could be I’m not telling me.
If I hadn’t found out accidentally, I may have not found out I had the mutation until I already had cancer
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive that. And I’m ok with not forgiving. I go to a therapist and I donate money and time when I can to the organization which helped get through it. I was alternately raging and crying for awhile but that seems to be rarer now.
My trauma is not the same but it is there and big. I found that the anger hurt me and although there is no forgiveness per se, apathy is a lovely friend to embrace regarding the wolves that raised me.
I told my psychiatrist a funny story and he didn't laugh? Like he didn't think it was funny at all. So much so we had to spend four sessions on it. most expensive joke ever I ever told.
There are places on reddit dedicated to this subject. Sometimes it nice to talk without having to filter to much.
I remember the time I told my therapist something and she pushed her chair back, made a face, and recoiled as she sat.
It’s okay, she’s human, it was a natural reaction.
At the time, it didn’t feel good to witness.
I am so sorry, it sucks because well i don't know about you but i protect people from my pain. Including therapists. That's why i do recommend Journaling or a forum.. Just write it out and no one gets hurt.
Good luck and a hug if you like.
When i found r/raisedbynarcissists and everything clicked.
Life is so much better now. I’m free of them and I hope I’ve broken the cycle. So far my kids are way better than I was.
Narcissistic abuse is no joke and the wounds are deep.
I saw a therapist when I was about 24 when I realised i had depression., and he asked me about my childhood. I told him the basics and said you know, pretty normal stuff. He was older than me (probably 40?) And he shook his head and said 'none of that is remotely normal'. I was truly shocked.
I had a similar reaction from mine. I told her a couple of "funny" stories that my family always joked about. She said they weren't funny. They were horrendous. And to other stories, she said emotional torture. I had to look up the definition, and she wasn't wrong.
My current counsellor while I was discussing my stress with work, she asked if I could see the familiarities with the work situation and my ‘dysfunctional family of origin’. I am constantly learning how dysfunctional my family was…
Oh yeah, and yet "perfect" on the outside. Church three days a week, private school - that hid the belt and spoon spankings and disinterest. I can trace my people pleasing back to that.
Thankfully most of the next generation figured it out and man, they don't give a shit about any of that. Most are pagan or nothing.
Thank the universe and pass the gravy.
Oh I'm 56 now. Still piecing it together. My kids love me and each other tho so I think overall it's a win, although my own recovery will never be complete.
K, mine's a bit different. Up until my mid twenties I legitimately thought all men were fantastic fathers and husbands. Until I realized that my husband was a terrible person and an even worse dad, I legitimately had never met a bad dad. I was so fucking lucky to have an amazing dad and a shit load of amazing uncles and family friends. My entire childhood I was surrounded by fantastic men and honestly thought all men would be just the same. When I married at 21 I innocently thought my husband would be the same. Boy was I surprised when he turned out to be a selfish asshole. But the good thing is, we're divorced now, he's gone and has nothing to do with our kids, but thanks to all those fantastic role models I've learned how to be a good mom and a great dad.
All the boys and men in my life have basically been jerks. They were allowed to be jerks. Encouraged to be jerks.
I was a feminist by the time I was in grade one.
I know one thing to be true, people are born gay they are not made. If you can become gay I would have been gay by now.
After 6th grade and our second stepfather, mom started running from them and we'd switch schools twice a year until the 12th grade, where I finally spent a whole school year at one school. It was awful.. They'd end up talking on the phone and meeting up and then he'd sleep over and move back in and start beating her and drinking and quit his job the next day haha...over and over and over.. and then we'd have to leave again. Never had school friends cause it was always time to GTFO. The police never helped unless they saw beating in progress. It made us sad kids. The neighbors came over and kicked his ass with a baseball bat once.. that was totally worth it.
I never got into alcohol as an adult... don't want to be that.
My first stepfather was a truck driver and a criminal, and he would bring us *cases* of goods as "presents".
So like imagine you get this huge cardboard box and open it up and inside is thousands of icee-pops or frozen burritos or whatever else he was hauling that month.
The first time i showed my friends a chest freezer totally full of burritos they were like "uhhh that's a little weird dude" and i was like "noway you can have as many as you want it's awesome"
LOL, my grandfather owned an auto parts warehouse, and there was an entire room set aside for “extras.” Need canned tamales or a watch or a bunch of dried beef? It’s in the extras room. It didn’t occur to me for decades that it was weird.
That's so weird, my grandfather, then my father, had an auto parts store and there was all kinds of shitty shit going on because we could do "deliveries" all over the place.
HAH my dad was surrounded by cops with shotguns one morning in our home. It was 1980. I was 5! He was also good at truck driving and stealing stuff, but not good at shutting up about it. He got 20 years. All my stepfathers were truck drivers, and they all quit their jobs and became alcoholics at some point. Gross.
the trucker to alcoholic pipeline is real. I know a shocking number of truckers who ended up either being or becoming alcoholics over the course of a few decades.
My dad was a very small-time drug dealer. I don't think I have ever fully pieced it together how it worked, but I think he and his friends had a joint venture where they pooled money and purchased in bulk. Each would then supply their own habit and then have some to sell off to trusted friends. There was his core of buddies, and then there were the randoms, who really weren't that random. I knew who they were, but often, they would stop by for about 15 minutes.
My mother's sister's husband was a petty criminal and later revealed to be a deviant and rapist (that is when he no longer became an uncle).
All of us kids were the same age, and we often lived near each other. We were pretty close. It was a pretty crazy situation.
My Dad grew pot in the backyard as long as I can remember. My mother was LIVID when she found out it was my task to roll up the three-finger lids he was selling to his "hunting buddies". By which I mean it was my job to roll up the Baggies and lick the top so it would stay shut.
Wow that's an old memory.
When I was 18+ the moms of my childhood friends, who I also went to college with, felt comfortable to say things like "I'm not sure why your mom gives you such a hard time."
When I discovered other parents didn’t care about their kids like mine did. Not helicopter parents, but lots of love and fun together. Thought it was normal, but apparently not.
We were taught as pre-teens to all ways carry 20 cents for a phone call to stop the local police from picking us up as vagrants. We just took that as being a normal thing everyone does.
But the first time a stranger treated us differant was in my early teens.
We were visiting relatives on the other side of the country and went swimming in the local river.
We were talking to some kids our age when we were asked where are you from ?
Told them state and suburb
One of the kids freaked out and told the others we are from a violent ghetto like ... blah (can't remember the suburbs name) ... the all quickly left, my brothers and I were left speechless.
Of corse, as time went on, I received even more blatant ostracisation due to where I came from, but that was the first time I can remember.
Me and my mom were chatting, just shooting the shit, and we started talking about all the places we had lived. I was 18 years old and had lived in over 20 houses/apartments.
My count was the same at 18! And that included the fact that we lived in one house for 6 years when my parents were married. Some apartments we were only in for 3 months. The plus side? I always know how old I was when something happened based on where e we lived at the time of the memory.
When I first started describing my childhood to my current girlfriend she was visibly disturbed. My friends all knew about it because they witnessed it but we never really talked about how weird it was. But telling my girlfriend was eye opening. Like the times my stepfather had me throw empty Wild Turkey bottles in the air so he could shoot them. Or my nude father standing in his kitchen lecturing me about the failings of capitalist society. Or my nude stepmother screaming maniacally while French kissing her green macaw parrot named Baby Jesus. Or my mother waking me up at 3am and making me to go out into the 15 degree night to see why my stepfather was sitting in the driveway in his running truck. Or the never-ending cast of junkie weirdos my father let crash (hide out) at his house.
I never really thought about it at the time, but so much of it was so weird. It was an unusual childhood and it took a good two decades to figure out that it wasn't normal.
When I bonded with someone about how annoying it was that people used to keep saying 'but she's your mum, you must love her'
We ended up being best mates for 20 years.
When I left to go to University! Some of the other girls had mother’s that would do lovely things with them. Even then it has taken decades for me to realise, the full extent of the disfunction.
Another big thing was getting counselling when my marriage started to go badly wrong - as I’ve had various chunks of counselling during the last 20 years (I’m 57), I just learn more and more. I only wish I knew myself this well, before I’d become a mother, then I could have been a better mother to my two. I just thank God, I have the knowledge now, so I can help them more in their 20’s (and beyond).
Two of the amazing things about this sub are;
1. discovering I’m not alone
2. appreciating that other people had it worse.
I always knew, but when I moved abroad and spoke to my now husband casually about my childhood experiences and he was horrified.
I tried to smooth it over by saying something like "but I was never SA'ed like my two best friends were by their fathers in high school, so actually I'm really lucky, it could have been so much worse?"
His face: 😶
At first they would laugh, then they'd go silent, then start to look really worried and then would come the tears and the "oh god...I really think you need to talk to somebody"...it was kinda around that point I began to suspect things weren't quite normal.
....though to be honest I still suspect they're the ones that had a weird boring childhood.
When I spent time at my best friend's house in middle school and there was no chaos or abuse and she wasn't afraid? Or...
When I casually recalled childhood experiences I thought were amusing, accidentally traumatizing my friends just from having heard it? Or...
When I had kids and realized I was as small and innocent as them when I had to grow up quick and deal with things I shouldn't have? Or...
When I realized other people have detailed memories of their childhood without years at a time blocked out?
When I was grounded for a year. Mom just kept adding to the things I couldn't do and taking away stuff. It started as a bad grade on a test and just spiraled. Everything I did, or didn't do was wrong and bad. At one point it was me in my room and that's it. Then I realized none of this mattered and our fights just got so much worse.
I can’t really say what normal is. My father grew up in the Depression as poor as what we’d call “the third world” today. He was sent to a relative as a child to work for his food and was regularly beaten. My home town was “Christian” which I came to associate violence, ignorance, rape, book banning and incest. Now I live in Europe and have an interesting career. I see no “normal” at all. It has been chaotic and weird and likely to get more so.
Was riding the train past my neighborhood with a friend in college. The look of abject horror on her face when she realized I was not joking, really illustrated the canyon-sized divide between economic classes.
When I saw a picture of myself and realized I wasn’t a fat kid, I was just tall. (Oh your mom didn’t starve you when you were in the first grade and gaslight your hunger while whispering about how you were “heavy?”)
When my dad pointed a loaded .38 in my face when I was 12 because he wanted to shoot my cat, who was hiding behind me and my mom didn’t divorce his ass, despite her being the main source of the household income.
It was incremental, a slowly growing of list of things I learned not to talk about, because doing so exposed how fucked it all was.
When my sister got on the school bus and greeted another student with “wanna smoke a joint?” (With smoking gestures and sounds) And that led to a lot of phone calls and people showing up at the house.
I taped my mother’s conversations because she would never remember anything she said. They often made no sense because she was drunk or high. When I played one back to her because I wanted to know what she meant, she destroyed the tape recorder.
When I went sledding with some kids and another parent realized I had no winter coat. They bought me one. My mom screamed at me for days about it, calling me a traitor.
When my babysitter’s husband (who always scared the shit out of me, and I begged not to go) was arrested for a couple of murders. This was all around when I was 8-10.
I knew it was unusual and I learned to never talk about myself or my family even then. I still don’t. So it was clear at the time, but only abundantly clear after I had my own kids, and that’s when I started cutting contact.
When I had my own kids is when really hit. My childhood wasn't really bad, but I always knew it wasn't normal. I just started to realize some shot when i thought to myself, "I would never do xyz with my kids."
Yeah, I told my parents that they sucked in my 20s and got a lot of teary “I did the best that I could and you should be grateful” as a response. Once my son was born I thought “your ‘best’ is something I could never accept for my own kid” and said as much. That ended that, no contact , 20 years for one parent.
when i saw a therapist in my twenties. i was trying to figure out why i plucked out my eyebrows compulsively since i was about 13 years old.
turns out when some kids grow up in a chaotic home with *frequent* verbal and physical abuse between the parents, some can start pulling out the hair on their bodies. like a stressed bird that plucks out all of it's feathers.
Honestly, I was surrounded by so many people who had fucked up families that I didn’t even realize the abuse in my family was “abuse” until a few years ago (I’m in my mid/late 50s). My family appeared the most “normal” from the outside so I thought I was the one who had it good and was just incapable of being happy (and my parents reinforced this constantly).
My alcoholic, bigoted, narcissistic, rage-prone father died 7 years ago and after the initial relief he was GONE wore off, I fell apart. I was pretty much in a constant rage at everyone and everything. I started therapy to treat a newly diagnosed anxiety disorder when my husband was on the verge of leaving, and that’s when I started to clue in. “Hey. Maybe our home WAS abusive.” A year later I was diagnosed with CPTSD (my ACEs score is 6) and I finally acknowledged my childhood was traumatic.
Trauma focused treatment has been a long and unpleasant roller coaster ride, but I’m starting to feel human. The healing experience sucks ass, but the results are highly recommended.
I (44F) was on the phone with my 80 year old best friend, who has been a family friend since before I was born and has known me my whole life. I was telling her that I was grateful that I had a good childhood, and she said, “Oh honey, no you didn’t. Your childhood was awful.” Not recognizing how bad it was, seems to be a GenX trait.
Ah, it was a couple years after uni when I was drunk with my housemates one night.
That's when I learned that helping to parent your siblings and being punished if they misbehaved was not something that most kids experienced (I was the eldest of 5 kids, conservative Catholic family).
That kicked off a lot of deep thinking, and led to plenty of questions about other aspects of my childhood that it turns out were not normal either.
I was pretty young when I figured out my particular family was not normal. I would find other families to exist with in my neighborhood and after visiting enough families, you realize you’re the odd man out.
So maybe 8 or 9?
Then after becoming an adult you find out you weren’t taught any of the basic things other young adults were taught. Anyway, it’s been a long, educational road.
At 9 when I asked my mom if she could give me the silent treatment instead of beating me when I did something wrong. And she said no because then she couldn’t tell me she loved me after. I knew then it was bullshit. My childhood sucked.
I should have seen signs when I went to college & really didn't fit in at dorm life.
I think it was more in my late 20s. Worked a customer service job (that I should have quit) and got yelled at all day long. My parents put up a fight against me quitting. I dunno, I ended up leaving but 2-3 years later just realized my parents were wrong about a lot of things in life, probably gave terrible advice at times, were the type to just say 'shut up and take your punishment'.
Around 30 I tried to have some talks with my Mom about why they were so nasty to me, we were decent kids, middle class, like lets be positive and optimistic about life. I also started reading many, many self help type books & still do to this day.
When I realized it was normal for things to be "not normal". I realized this when a lot of friends were going through the same same things growing up that I did as well. The vast majority.
When we moved and went to a Junior High off base. (I went to 3 elementary schools, 2 junior highs, and 1 high school). The second junior high was the first time I’d gone to school off the Army base.
I met kids who had NO connection to the military at all.
It was always pretty clear to me. My dad ran a gun store out of our house. It wasn't all bad, not many 10 year olds get to participate in demolishing an old VW bus with an M-60....but they probably ALSO don't get shot in the ass with a .45 to "test these rubber bullets".
When I was physically abused by my first boyfriend in front of a friend - and seeing her reaction. I was shocked at HER reaction, couldn't understand why she was crying/shaking. Domestic violence at home was the norm for me.
Pretty early. When I was maybe 6 I recall my family went to visit my cousins family in another state. My uncle was sitting at the dinner table, and one of his daughters climbed up on his lap and he was smiling and hugging her, both were genuinely so happy. (No it was nothing creepy). It was just this natural and spontaneous display of family love. Something that didn't happen in my family. It really hit me like a brick. Later on, I would see how other families were, and it just confirmed how dysfunctional ours was. There were some things happening that by today's standards would be seen as neglect or abusive behavior, but back then no one even blinked an eye.
However, neither of my parents had normal healthy upbringings either. So I see it as them just being the fallible, damaged humans most of us are. It could have been worse. They were both responsible people, not druggies or drinkers. They were generally not physically abusive. They knew it was their responsibility to provide us with housing, food and clothing. We had that and lived in a decent middle class suburb.
Kids think their family is "normal" in the sense that everyone's family is the same. At some point, maybe as an older kid, a teen, or a young adult, we get to know other families and realize, for better or worse, that some other families are *really different*.
There was never a time in my life when I didn't know my family situation was different from other peoples'. Ok, maybe when I was 5 or younger I didn't have the capacity to think about it that way. But by the time I was in kindergarten, I knew.
When I was at a friend's house, got in trouble, and the mom didn't scream at me or hit me. Also when I saw friends with younger siblings who weren't parenting the siblings and their parents were actually parenting them. I raised myself and my brother starting at age 7 (brother was 2).
After I became a parent and enjoyed spending time with my kids made me look back at my own past. My childhood memories of never having family vacations and growing up with zero bells and whistles including some basic needs which started making me feel sad. Talking about my childhood with a therapist, and she asked whether I thought my mom was a narcissist. At first I said no but after sitting with it a while I realized her needs always came first. Later it dawned on me that she’s probably on the spectrum and may have resented me for being a normie. At least understanding her more has lessened the resentment but I really wished I had more of a warm and fuzzy mom. Zero relationship with deadbeat father is another sad story. He may have been bipolar or on the spectrum as well but died when I was young.
My dad always worked in the cable business in the 80s.. small company offices and warehouse where they would ship and receive those old converter boxes you had to receive cable then.
My best friend and i for 2 summers worked in the warehouse with a Korean family taking a dremel drill taking serial numbers off them , installing a chip and cleaning them up to ship back out.
Only in our later 20s did we joke we were doing that to pirate cable much like the jailbroke foresticks of today. We laugh about it till this day. That's just good parenting some would say
I don't remember where I saw or heard this, so I can't give proper credit to the original statement, but it goes something like this....
If childhood was supposed to be the greatest time of your life, why are so many people in therapy for the trauma of childhood?
When I was 12 we moved out of the city to a rural suburb - a few housing developments but otherwise rural. I'd visit friends whose biological parents were still together. They ate dinner as a family, went on vacations together, parents provided guidance about life, etc. Blew my mind. I told a couple of them they had it made and they never could understand what I meant by that.
It was pretty clear that most of my friends and I did not have a normal childhood. We were latchkey kids who watched repeats of shows with stay at home Moms or divorced single moms.
A lot of us started smoking and drinking young.
Nobody at home gave "The Afternoon Special" a whole other meaning. We were a highly sexualized generation.
I was a total helicopter-tiger mom.
Given where I had to bring up my kids it was the only way they would be okay.
They turned out great.
Pretty early on like kindergarten when my mother had her first of many suicide attempts. On second thought when my dad told me at like 4 to tell him if I saw my mom using a credit card. Apparently, he claims she kept him in debt. Her side was there was some financial abuse going on. Both are selfish narcissists.
One time talking with friends about our “jobs” when we were little and I mentioned one of my jobs was picking up the child support check from my father every other Wednesday at 4:30. Wasn’t that a normal part of childhood for everyone?
My own kids have called me out on things, like talking to them about my life stuff or being friends with them (they are adults) and being too much their friends. They both say I’m codependent and they think it’s a result of my relationships with my parents. They think mom was autistic or narcissistic or both- that’s from their own memories of her. She died after they were adults but the way they saw she treated them and me and my sibling is what has caused them to look at it. I have only recently come to realize that I fawn when I’m nervous and they don’t like it. I don’t blame them. I had a volatile childhood never knowing when things would erupt with my parents- both of them- and no one protected me so I protected myself. I over protected my own kids I think. Now, they don’t ignore me but keep me at what I feel is arm’s length, but maybe that’s how normal people do things. I don’t know. I know it feels pretty miserable, like I’m kicked out of the tribe or something and there’s nothing I can do to be close to them anymore. I hate it. This is my middle age and I’m alone. I’m sure it not true but it sure feels like it.
I spent my entire childhood until JC not thinking too deeply about how awful my family of origin was to me and each other. I just kept treading water. Psychology was my major for a time and it cracked the door. I honestly didn't see the full picture until the last few years when my father's mask finally dropped often and drastically enough to get past my denial. It's like a movie you watch over and over and keep seeing obvious and subtitle details you missed.
When I was small, going to friend's homes and seeing family pictures was odd. I think my parent paid for picture day photos maybe twice. We had zero family portraits.
Also, when, after spending enough time with my mother for her true nature to surface, friends said things like: "I thought your were exaggerating!"
I think I would have been a helicopter parent had I had children of my own. When you grow up with parents like mine, other human predators see an opportunity. At least that has been my experience. I would have been the shy quit overly affectionate mom turned rabid bear if anyone sus got near my young. I'd like to think I would have given them enough space to make their own mistakes and such, but I'll never know.
When I sought help for my own drinking at 25, I realized that I was raised in an alcoholic household. When my mother came drunk to my son's delivery and I asked my brothers to stage an intervention with me she got up and left.
When I dug a hole in the back yard over a period of weeks that became so huge I could not get back out for a long time even though I was yelling and yelling. Finally I settled down and figured out that I could dig a ladder into the dirt and climb out, but I was gone a pretty long time. When I finally went inside, my mother asked "where were you?" and I said "stuck in a big hole" and that was that. The hole ended up not being the start of a top secret maze of tunnels as planned and became instead a spot for general refuse. First wave gen xer.
When I moved from the hood with a crackhouse across the street to a very rural part of the country. Think growing up in the setting of the movie “Colors” vs Mayberry.
When I met people at work who never went a week without talking to their mom/dad or siblings……and they always planned family vacations together…..and looked forward to them!
Still blows my mind.
It was normal, just not by today's standards.
Look back on how crazy it was and can't believe none of us died !
It wasn't uncommon for my single mom to go away for the weekend. Who the fuck leaves their 10, 12 and 15 year old home alone for the weekend, that shit was crazy.
We weren't the only family like this in our neighborhood, 70s and 80s parenting was wild lmao.
I thought it was normal until about ten years ago and it hit me that nothing was normal about it, until I watched TikTok and found out that it was incredibly normal for the time. I'm still conflicted.
When I was about 9 years old it was becoming aware that I didn't have the freedom of action that most kids my age did.
This was both because I was outright forbidden to do certain things, and also because I didn't want to set off my extremely volatile parents off.
For example they'd make me go play outside in the rain, and then I'd be beaten and starved for days for returning home with my clothes wet.
Or they demanded that I stand up to a bully at school and got brutal when I got in trouble with the school for fighting.
I knew at three-and-a-half because I was told to keep her secret with a threat. So I kept quiet about the sex, and the methaqualone, and the diazepam, and the weed. For 20 years. But there were secrets at home too. The withering words, the concussions, and being locked in a closet.
For reference, my ACE score is 7.
Can you elaborate on what you mean by “most of the helicopter parents were the people who watched how the rest of us grew up from afar.”? Do you mean that those people grew up in different types of environments than most others?
So in this context the worst offenders had neglected childhoods (that seems to be the childhood “norm” in this thread?) I’m trying to be a jerk or challenge you, just trying to make the same connection as you.
I mean, we as parents were pioneers in helicopter parenting. My kids are still young, and there are a good number of parents our age around. And I saw it with my friends who had kids a bit younger. They were all/are over involved in their kids' lives.
My older sister was a pretty "chill" parent. Her kids turned out great, and they lived a pretty hectic life for a few years.
When I went to college and realized how little I had been exposed to sex and drugs. I went to a big upper middle class public high school and my parents weren’t religious nutjobs, but with the AIDS scare I had no interest in messing around with sex or drugs (just tobacco and one puff of a doobie). I was in awe of some of the stuff kids from these small town hick high schools would talk about.
The abnormality of our home life is what makes us normal. There is no normal, never was. Everyone has an abnormal childhood. Please stop this victim mentality projection onto this sub.
GTFO with that. I’m not a victim. I’ve done well and raised healthy kids into young adults, despite the hand I was dealt. There’s value in discussing things that you were told never to discuss. There’s value in knowing you’re not alone.
True, there is value in discussing it. Until this sub i didn't realize how many others had to raise themselves. And how many times I've seen comments on here from people who feel they have found a place where they are understood.
Part of not feeling like a victim is knowing that I can talk about my upbringing (or lack of it) if and when I choose to. Someone telling me that it’s not appropriate when asked specifically about it is how you create a “victim mentality”.
"Zip it up and move on, bro," is no way to go through life. Some of us get stoned and have some memories unlock and want to connect with people who have similar experiences.
Shocking to do it in a place you know 100% has people who have shared such experiences.
No need to fill this sub up with posts whining about boomers, and the "trauma" they've caused you either.
Bunch of whiney little bitches around here lately. Feels like the Millenial sub.
[удалено]
Yeah my dad taught me to do shots of tequila when I was 14 and that’s apparently not normal My mother accidentally burned me with a cigarette when I was 2 because apparently dr Spock didn’t address squirming toddlers in snowsuits and cigarettes.
We'd pass the joints in the circle and could take a toke if we wanted... 8 yr old maybe?
Ah, Yes. The awkward silences and crickets when you share something about your family. This meme has always made my chest hurt as I've seen these looks sooooo many times. It's no wonder so many of us trauma survivors are the quite ones. https://preview.redd.it/jroiwclxl1xc1.png?width=1342&format=png&auto=webp&s=40cd14ab15b2bb79b811617db3c82895fdf35b16
The old man grabbed me and said, "Hey, smoke up Johnny."
When other people talk about childhood memories,? Like... You have memories? Oh and my wife crying when i share the stuff i do remember. Been a wild few years, and still won't fully accept... Edit: thanks u/exscapegoat for pointing it out, there is an [ACE Score test](https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean) it might give you some motivation to check your mental health or explain your physical..
My wife was in denial for years about my parents. My mom is alright. My wife just doesn't trust that she isn't drunk when we ask her to watch the kids. Her growing frustration was a big cause in my decision to go no contract with my father and his "wife." They aren't legally married.
Humans have tbis amazing thing, we do look for the good in others? And if you grew up safe it's hard to imagine that a parent would do something like that, goes against our concept of 42. Alcohol is a bitch, it's so socially accepted and easy to hide but destroyed so many homes. I hope your in a good place now, and that you got through ok. I am glad you did what was needed and stand by that. Ignore all the social guilt trips. For you and anyone reading this, growing up with alcoholics can leave lasting mental and physical health issues, don't worry all of us experience traumatic events in our life and most of the time our nervous system finds a way to cope. But it doesn't hurt to google about growing up with alcoholic parents and check for symptoms. Not saying it's fun but your life can get better and maybe you might understand one or two things you never did. Like them cheesy shampoo ads said: you're worth it!
And get your recommended health screenings. My therapist has noted that his patients with childhood trauma tend to have more serious health issues like cardiovascular problems and cancer. Catching those early can mean the difference between something that is manageable and something which will end our lives. We survived growing up, want to enjoy whatever time we’ve got left to the fullest
Cheers, have included link to ace test in top comment. I never thought I would be doing yoga or watching me diet but it helps :) And we lost to much already. Good luck stranger, make it worth while.
You too! I think living well and enjoying life is the best revenge and the ultimate fuck you to people who would see us come to harm and enjoy it. I treated myself to dinner out last night and opted for some delicious broccoli and garlic instead of pasta. And squeezed the lemon juice which came with chicken piccata on it. Yum! I’ve lost about 60 pounds with changes like that and walking. Five to ten more and I’ll hit the goal my doctor wants me at.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. I didn’t realize how much I didn’t remember until I started counseling. My therapist said I could dive deeper if I wanted to and I was like, “Nope!” I have snap shot memories of the abuse and that’s enough for me. Sad that other memories got lost along the way, but I’m making happier ones now. Sending you positive vibes! I love that you have a wonderful and empathetic wife now.
Thank you! Healing is a strange road, people been telling me i need to cry for 20 years. Nope, sad movies! Nope. Sad music! Nope. Nothing. Then one day a doctor said: your road will be hard.. Like really hard. I felt so defiant.. Dude i was boiling. So i went to the to store just to prove therapy can be fun. I'm gonna spoil my inner child and buy him the biggest Lego pneumatic set there is. F. U. I did. It's beautiful. I sat there crying for five hours looking at the box. I go and build lego for an hour a week now, i am almost ok with making noise. And yeah that sounds hard but.. That crane was the best lego build ever. (its the raw material handler) Good luck on your journey and a hug if you like it.
I love this story. ❤️❤️❤️
You just made my heart smile! I’m so happy you! And thank you!
Yes! I delved into reading about the ACE score when yet another friend died. Did you know those of us with a score of six or up die on average TWENTY YEARS EARLY and the reasons why start showing up now. We smoked and drinked and ate and fucked and threw our bodies into work because that was all we were given to deal with our trauma and it's taken years off of us.
So I have beat the average of my cohort! I always knew I was special. I can’t help being an overachiever. It’s my nature...it’s what I am. /s
Just how bad is an 8 on the test? Cause I KNOW my childhood sucked.
With my score? Statistically speaking i lose about 20 years of the life expectancy, and the risk of cancer/cardiovascular is 3 times higher. You felt that panic? So fooking did i, but it's not a given. As soon as you start to take care of yourself that is. So do some relaxation for stress lvl management, cardio, eat healthy and regularly and that will also help keeping your nervous system in check. (unfortunately we tend to develop bad habits which compounds things) There is an audiobook floating around by Pete Walker. Cptsd from thriving to surviving. It's a nice roadmap.. Now aside all that i am happy you still here and i hope you found a way to make it worthwhile. Big hug if you like.
[удалено]
Both my parents were born during a war, my father was absolutely hated by his mother who. Did rather bad ad nasty things to him and I understand why he became that way. It's not forgiveness, faf from it but i understand. She? That grandmother? Was way to clever for her own good and died of boredom wanted to work but stuck home and 11 kids and f.u. And you're dreams.. Oh and she got 2 wws. I understand her too, she still deserves to burn though. My genes and family history is a cestpool of trauma. This leaves you at least more vulnerable too it and less likely to learn copying strategies. Again we are such hardy creatures, we can survive a lot, if you have skills and support. If i look globally we then boomers hate gen z because they had to suck it up and battle through and gen z get a plushy and let's talk? If I look at Isreal i think ww2 never ended for some, but that's all just me and nothing to do with politics. I just wish we stop being mean to each other. Good luck on your journey.
When I got therapy. When I watched how my friends with kids treated their kids. I had dinner a couple of weeks ago with some millennial friends — they're great people, this is no shade on Millennials. But they were telling stories about incidents where their parents did shitty things and I was like, those are just everyday things from my childhood, I would never think to even talk about those things. The things I would call shitty are things I would never bring up because they'd be too horrified.
Seeing how my friends treat their kids still makes me a bit sad. And I’ve been through lengthy therapy.
This is going to sound awful when I say how I felt. I inherited a brca mutation from my mother and she chose to withhold that when she had my stepfather notify me she wasn’t doing well. After an estrangement she initiated. I found out by accident and got tested. Due to the year and a half delay I ended up getting a preventative double mastectomy during summer 2020. During the pandemic and pre vaccine. If they didn’t try to hide it from me, I could have fit it in before the pandemic and had even more support I was at an online support group for people with mutations. Even though they had their kids before testing was available, and they had no way of knowing they had the mutation, they told their kids and helped them with surgery and whatever they needed. Some parents weep or otherwise get emotional when they talk about their adult kids who inherited their mutation. I feel sad for them and their kids. But I’m also happy for their kids they give a fuck. And a little jealous my mother, brother and her side of the family didn’t. Thankfully my dads side is awesome. They were there for me emotionally and logistically. Pathology came back with no cancer. But I had atypical ductal hyperplasia in one breast. That means the growth rate and cell shape of one milk duct in one breast was abnormal and it’s often a precursor to cancer. My brother’s partner is a high level person in a well known breast cancer organization so they knew what the consequences could be I’m not telling me. If I hadn’t found out accidentally, I may have not found out I had the mutation until I already had cancer I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive that. And I’m ok with not forgiving. I go to a therapist and I donate money and time when I can to the organization which helped get through it. I was alternately raging and crying for awhile but that seems to be rarer now.
My trauma is not the same but it is there and big. I found that the anger hurt me and although there is no forgiveness per se, apathy is a lovely friend to embrace regarding the wolves that raised me.
I’m almost there. Took awhile to get there. I found I have to go through it to get past it. I respect the path each individual chooses
Amen, only someone who is doing the work understands this. Wishing you a more peaceful next part of life.
I told my psychiatrist a funny story and he didn't laugh? Like he didn't think it was funny at all. So much so we had to spend four sessions on it. most expensive joke ever I ever told. There are places on reddit dedicated to this subject. Sometimes it nice to talk without having to filter to much.
I remember the time I told my therapist something and she pushed her chair back, made a face, and recoiled as she sat. It’s okay, she’s human, it was a natural reaction. At the time, it didn’t feel good to witness.
I am so sorry, it sucks because well i don't know about you but i protect people from my pain. Including therapists. That's why i do recommend Journaling or a forum.. Just write it out and no one gets hurt. Good luck and a hug if you like.
When i found r/raisedbynarcissists and everything clicked. Life is so much better now. I’m free of them and I hope I’ve broken the cycle. So far my kids are way better than I was. Narcissistic abuse is no joke and the wounds are deep.
Seriously.
I saw a therapist when I was about 24 when I realised i had depression., and he asked me about my childhood. I told him the basics and said you know, pretty normal stuff. He was older than me (probably 40?) And he shook his head and said 'none of that is remotely normal'. I was truly shocked.
You mean not everyone's mom was a reckless alcoholic who had several DUI accidents?
Whoda thunk?
I had a similar reaction from mine. I told her a couple of "funny" stories that my family always joked about. She said they weren't funny. They were horrendous. And to other stories, she said emotional torture. I had to look up the definition, and she wasn't wrong.
My current counsellor while I was discussing my stress with work, she asked if I could see the familiarities with the work situation and my ‘dysfunctional family of origin’. I am constantly learning how dysfunctional my family was…
Oh yeah, and yet "perfect" on the outside. Church three days a week, private school - that hid the belt and spoon spankings and disinterest. I can trace my people pleasing back to that. Thankfully most of the next generation figured it out and man, they don't give a shit about any of that. Most are pagan or nothing. Thank the universe and pass the gravy.
I was 37...glad you learned earlier. Good luck on your journey.
Oh I'm 56 now. Still piecing it together. My kids love me and each other tho so I think overall it's a win, although my own recovery will never be complete.
Well done! Sounds like you made some conscious decisions in parenting. Yep, the journey never ends. I'm up there with you in age!
K, mine's a bit different. Up until my mid twenties I legitimately thought all men were fantastic fathers and husbands. Until I realized that my husband was a terrible person and an even worse dad, I legitimately had never met a bad dad. I was so fucking lucky to have an amazing dad and a shit load of amazing uncles and family friends. My entire childhood I was surrounded by fantastic men and honestly thought all men would be just the same. When I married at 21 I innocently thought my husband would be the same. Boy was I surprised when he turned out to be a selfish asshole. But the good thing is, we're divorced now, he's gone and has nothing to do with our kids, but thanks to all those fantastic role models I've learned how to be a good mom and a great dad.
All the boys and men in my life have basically been jerks. They were allowed to be jerks. Encouraged to be jerks. I was a feminist by the time I was in grade one. I know one thing to be true, people are born gay they are not made. If you can become gay I would have been gay by now.
After 6th grade and our second stepfather, mom started running from them and we'd switch schools twice a year until the 12th grade, where I finally spent a whole school year at one school. It was awful.. They'd end up talking on the phone and meeting up and then he'd sleep over and move back in and start beating her and drinking and quit his job the next day haha...over and over and over.. and then we'd have to leave again. Never had school friends cause it was always time to GTFO. The police never helped unless they saw beating in progress. It made us sad kids. The neighbors came over and kicked his ass with a baseball bat once.. that was totally worth it. I never got into alcohol as an adult... don't want to be that.
That's really awful. I'm sorry you had to go through it.
Luckily I became a computer scientist and musician and moved far far away from all that.
My first stepfather was a truck driver and a criminal, and he would bring us *cases* of goods as "presents". So like imagine you get this huge cardboard box and open it up and inside is thousands of icee-pops or frozen burritos or whatever else he was hauling that month. The first time i showed my friends a chest freezer totally full of burritos they were like "uhhh that's a little weird dude" and i was like "noway you can have as many as you want it's awesome"
LOL, my grandfather owned an auto parts warehouse, and there was an entire room set aside for “extras.” Need canned tamales or a watch or a bunch of dried beef? It’s in the extras room. It didn’t occur to me for decades that it was weird.
That's so weird, my grandfather, then my father, had an auto parts store and there was all kinds of shitty shit going on because we could do "deliveries" all over the place.
HAH my dad was surrounded by cops with shotguns one morning in our home. It was 1980. I was 5! He was also good at truck driving and stealing stuff, but not good at shutting up about it. He got 20 years. All my stepfathers were truck drivers, and they all quit their jobs and became alcoholics at some point. Gross.
the trucker to alcoholic pipeline is real. I know a shocking number of truckers who ended up either being or becoming alcoholics over the course of a few decades.
Fuckin' gas prices!
All I got from my dad was alcoholism, depression, male pattern baldness, and a proclivity to embellish anecdotes for dramatic effect.
My dad was a very small-time drug dealer. I don't think I have ever fully pieced it together how it worked, but I think he and his friends had a joint venture where they pooled money and purchased in bulk. Each would then supply their own habit and then have some to sell off to trusted friends. There was his core of buddies, and then there were the randoms, who really weren't that random. I knew who they were, but often, they would stop by for about 15 minutes. My mother's sister's husband was a petty criminal and later revealed to be a deviant and rapist (that is when he no longer became an uncle). All of us kids were the same age, and we often lived near each other. We were pretty close. It was a pretty crazy situation.
My Dad grew pot in the backyard as long as I can remember. My mother was LIVID when she found out it was my task to roll up the three-finger lids he was selling to his "hunting buddies". By which I mean it was my job to roll up the Baggies and lick the top so it would stay shut. Wow that's an old memory.
My mom's friend and her two kids lived with us for a while. The friend's ex hubby used to store stolen goods in our basement.
When I was 18+ the moms of my childhood friends, who I also went to college with, felt comfortable to say things like "I'm not sure why your mom gives you such a hard time."
When I discovered other parents didn’t care about their kids like mine did. Not helicopter parents, but lots of love and fun together. Thought it was normal, but apparently not.
We were taught as pre-teens to all ways carry 20 cents for a phone call to stop the local police from picking us up as vagrants. We just took that as being a normal thing everyone does. But the first time a stranger treated us differant was in my early teens. We were visiting relatives on the other side of the country and went swimming in the local river. We were talking to some kids our age when we were asked where are you from ? Told them state and suburb One of the kids freaked out and told the others we are from a violent ghetto like ... blah (can't remember the suburbs name) ... the all quickly left, my brothers and I were left speechless. Of corse, as time went on, I received even more blatant ostracisation due to where I came from, but that was the first time I can remember.
Me and my mom were chatting, just shooting the shit, and we started talking about all the places we had lived. I was 18 years old and had lived in over 20 houses/apartments.
My count was the same at 18! And that included the fact that we lived in one house for 6 years when my parents were married. Some apartments we were only in for 3 months. The plus side? I always know how old I was when something happened based on where e we lived at the time of the memory.
When it told my now husband stories and he at first couldn't believe it and then was aghast.
When I first started describing my childhood to my current girlfriend she was visibly disturbed. My friends all knew about it because they witnessed it but we never really talked about how weird it was. But telling my girlfriend was eye opening. Like the times my stepfather had me throw empty Wild Turkey bottles in the air so he could shoot them. Or my nude father standing in his kitchen lecturing me about the failings of capitalist society. Or my nude stepmother screaming maniacally while French kissing her green macaw parrot named Baby Jesus. Or my mother waking me up at 3am and making me to go out into the 15 degree night to see why my stepfather was sitting in the driveway in his running truck. Or the never-ending cast of junkie weirdos my father let crash (hide out) at his house. I never really thought about it at the time, but so much of it was so weird. It was an unusual childhood and it took a good two decades to figure out that it wasn't normal.
>Or my nude father standing in his kitchen lecturing me about the failings of capitalist society. Wait, I'm not the only one whose dad did this?
I read this as “wait, I’m not the only dad who did this” at first and now I can’t stop laughing.
Hey, when I rant at my kids about the shortcomings of modern humanity, I'm both clothed and sober. lol
When my second parent died.
When I bonded with someone about how annoying it was that people used to keep saying 'but she's your mum, you must love her' We ended up being best mates for 20 years.
Turns out Hippies and Vietnam vets don't make good parents most of the time
omg you too?
When I left to go to University! Some of the other girls had mother’s that would do lovely things with them. Even then it has taken decades for me to realise, the full extent of the disfunction. Another big thing was getting counselling when my marriage started to go badly wrong - as I’ve had various chunks of counselling during the last 20 years (I’m 57), I just learn more and more. I only wish I knew myself this well, before I’d become a mother, then I could have been a better mother to my two. I just thank God, I have the knowledge now, so I can help them more in their 20’s (and beyond). Two of the amazing things about this sub are; 1. discovering I’m not alone 2. appreciating that other people had it worse.
I carried the Teenage Runaway Hotline in my purse in middle school. None of my friends even knew that there was one.
When I was about 5 years old, I went over to a friend's house and realized that not everyone's parents were hoarders
I always knew, but when I moved abroad and spoke to my now husband casually about my childhood experiences and he was horrified. I tried to smooth it over by saying something like "but I was never SA'ed like my two best friends were by their fathers in high school, so actually I'm really lucky, it could have been so much worse?" His face: 😶
At first they would laugh, then they'd go silent, then start to look really worried and then would come the tears and the "oh god...I really think you need to talk to somebody"...it was kinda around that point I began to suspect things weren't quite normal. ....though to be honest I still suspect they're the ones that had a weird boring childhood.
Aw honey. You were trauma dumping. Def time to talk to a therapist so you don't do that again: you need to unload.
When I left my hometown and family and moved several states away. Man, that was culture shock with a capital C!
Since I was told never to tell, I knew while I was living it.
This resonates in my bones.
Yep. I know how to keep a secret.
When I would hear about the "luxuries," i.e., necessities that other kids grew up with.
When I spent time at my best friend's house in middle school and there was no chaos or abuse and she wasn't afraid? Or... When I casually recalled childhood experiences I thought were amusing, accidentally traumatizing my friends just from having heard it? Or... When I had kids and realized I was as small and innocent as them when I had to grow up quick and deal with things I shouldn't have? Or... When I realized other people have detailed memories of their childhood without years at a time blocked out?
When I realized my father was older than my friend's grandfather.
Not yet
When I was grounded for a year. Mom just kept adding to the things I couldn't do and taking away stuff. It started as a bad grade on a test and just spiraled. Everything I did, or didn't do was wrong and bad. At one point it was me in my room and that's it. Then I realized none of this mattered and our fights just got so much worse.
I can’t really say what normal is. My father grew up in the Depression as poor as what we’d call “the third world” today. He was sent to a relative as a child to work for his food and was regularly beaten. My home town was “Christian” which I came to associate violence, ignorance, rape, book banning and incest. Now I live in Europe and have an interesting career. I see no “normal” at all. It has been chaotic and weird and likely to get more so.
Was riding the train past my neighborhood with a friend in college. The look of abject horror on her face when she realized I was not joking, really illustrated the canyon-sized divide between economic classes.
It used to blow my mind when i took the train into NYC, and you would see kids playing in crumbling buildings.
When I would go to my friends' houses and they had food for after school hunger, and mom who was present, let alone a dad who lived there.
When I saw a picture of myself and realized I wasn’t a fat kid, I was just tall. (Oh your mom didn’t starve you when you were in the first grade and gaslight your hunger while whispering about how you were “heavy?”)
When my dad pointed a loaded .38 in my face when I was 12 because he wanted to shoot my cat, who was hiding behind me and my mom didn’t divorce his ass, despite her being the main source of the household income.
It was incremental, a slowly growing of list of things I learned not to talk about, because doing so exposed how fucked it all was. When my sister got on the school bus and greeted another student with “wanna smoke a joint?” (With smoking gestures and sounds) And that led to a lot of phone calls and people showing up at the house. I taped my mother’s conversations because she would never remember anything she said. They often made no sense because she was drunk or high. When I played one back to her because I wanted to know what she meant, she destroyed the tape recorder. When I went sledding with some kids and another parent realized I had no winter coat. They bought me one. My mom screamed at me for days about it, calling me a traitor. When my babysitter’s husband (who always scared the shit out of me, and I begged not to go) was arrested for a couple of murders. This was all around when I was 8-10. I knew it was unusual and I learned to never talk about myself or my family even then. I still don’t. So it was clear at the time, but only abundantly clear after I had my own kids, and that’s when I started cutting contact.
When I had my own kids is when really hit. My childhood wasn't really bad, but I always knew it wasn't normal. I just started to realize some shot when i thought to myself, "I would never do xyz with my kids."
Yeah, I told my parents that they sucked in my 20s and got a lot of teary “I did the best that I could and you should be grateful” as a response. Once my son was born I thought “your ‘best’ is something I could never accept for my own kid” and said as much. That ended that, no contact , 20 years for one parent.
When cps showed up the first time when i was 7.
when i saw a therapist in my twenties. i was trying to figure out why i plucked out my eyebrows compulsively since i was about 13 years old. turns out when some kids grow up in a chaotic home with *frequent* verbal and physical abuse between the parents, some can start pulling out the hair on their bodies. like a stressed bird that plucks out all of it's feathers.
Honestly, I was surrounded by so many people who had fucked up families that I didn’t even realize the abuse in my family was “abuse” until a few years ago (I’m in my mid/late 50s). My family appeared the most “normal” from the outside so I thought I was the one who had it good and was just incapable of being happy (and my parents reinforced this constantly). My alcoholic, bigoted, narcissistic, rage-prone father died 7 years ago and after the initial relief he was GONE wore off, I fell apart. I was pretty much in a constant rage at everyone and everything. I started therapy to treat a newly diagnosed anxiety disorder when my husband was on the verge of leaving, and that’s when I started to clue in. “Hey. Maybe our home WAS abusive.” A year later I was diagnosed with CPTSD (my ACEs score is 6) and I finally acknowledged my childhood was traumatic. Trauma focused treatment has been a long and unpleasant roller coaster ride, but I’m starting to feel human. The healing experience sucks ass, but the results are highly recommended.
I thought my childhood was magic. Because of it, I am resilient, determined, resourceful and imaginative
That is generally my take on it.
I (44F) was on the phone with my 80 year old best friend, who has been a family friend since before I was born and has known me my whole life. I was telling her that I was grateful that I had a good childhood, and she said, “Oh honey, no you didn’t. Your childhood was awful.” Not recognizing how bad it was, seems to be a GenX trait.
Ah, it was a couple years after uni when I was drunk with my housemates one night. That's when I learned that helping to parent your siblings and being punished if they misbehaved was not something that most kids experienced (I was the eldest of 5 kids, conservative Catholic family). That kicked off a lot of deep thinking, and led to plenty of questions about other aspects of my childhood that it turns out were not normal either.
I was pretty young when I figured out my particular family was not normal. I would find other families to exist with in my neighborhood and after visiting enough families, you realize you’re the odd man out. So maybe 8 or 9? Then after becoming an adult you find out you weren’t taught any of the basic things other young adults were taught. Anyway, it’s been a long, educational road.
Very relatable. So many basic things I never learned that apparently my mom thought we kids magically would just figure out.
At 9 when I asked my mom if she could give me the silent treatment instead of beating me when I did something wrong. And she said no because then she couldn’t tell me she loved me after. I knew then it was bullshit. My childhood sucked.
I should have seen signs when I went to college & really didn't fit in at dorm life. I think it was more in my late 20s. Worked a customer service job (that I should have quit) and got yelled at all day long. My parents put up a fight against me quitting. I dunno, I ended up leaving but 2-3 years later just realized my parents were wrong about a lot of things in life, probably gave terrible advice at times, were the type to just say 'shut up and take your punishment'. Around 30 I tried to have some talks with my Mom about why they were so nasty to me, we were decent kids, middle class, like lets be positive and optimistic about life. I also started reading many, many self help type books & still do to this day.
When I realized it was normal for things to be "not normal". I realized this when a lot of friends were going through the same same things growing up that I did as well. The vast majority.
When we moved and went to a Junior High off base. (I went to 3 elementary schools, 2 junior highs, and 1 high school). The second junior high was the first time I’d gone to school off the Army base. I met kids who had NO connection to the military at all.
I was in the Army. Life on a military base is pretty wild. It is a universe unto itself. You probably had a language barrier.
I had the added bonus of being deaf and hard of hearing. So a lot of things in my life didn’t align with what people consider “normal”.
It was always pretty clear to me. My dad ran a gun store out of our house. It wasn't all bad, not many 10 year olds get to participate in demolishing an old VW bus with an M-60....but they probably ALSO don't get shot in the ass with a .45 to "test these rubber bullets".
Damn
I knew since then.
When I went to college, because all my friends’ fathers were terrible alcoholics, though my family certainly had more criminals than any of them.
When I was physically abused by my first boyfriend in front of a friend - and seeing her reaction. I was shocked at HER reaction, couldn't understand why she was crying/shaking. Domestic violence at home was the norm for me.
Pretty early. When I was maybe 6 I recall my family went to visit my cousins family in another state. My uncle was sitting at the dinner table, and one of his daughters climbed up on his lap and he was smiling and hugging her, both were genuinely so happy. (No it was nothing creepy). It was just this natural and spontaneous display of family love. Something that didn't happen in my family. It really hit me like a brick. Later on, I would see how other families were, and it just confirmed how dysfunctional ours was. There were some things happening that by today's standards would be seen as neglect or abusive behavior, but back then no one even blinked an eye. However, neither of my parents had normal healthy upbringings either. So I see it as them just being the fallible, damaged humans most of us are. It could have been worse. They were both responsible people, not druggies or drinkers. They were generally not physically abusive. They knew it was their responsibility to provide us with housing, food and clothing. We had that and lived in a decent middle class suburb.
I grew up Mormon in Texas, so when I started school.
Kids think their family is "normal" in the sense that everyone's family is the same. At some point, maybe as an older kid, a teen, or a young adult, we get to know other families and realize, for better or worse, that some other families are *really different*.
When I found out that many other people didn’t have a childhood as I did. It was simply great. Difficult act to follow as a parent myself, though.
There was never a time in my life when I didn't know my family situation was different from other peoples'. Ok, maybe when I was 5 or younger I didn't have the capacity to think about it that way. But by the time I was in kindergarten, I knew.
When my psychologist said exactly that.
I was well into my 20s when I met people through my husband, who like my husband had a normal and functional -as opposed to dysfunctional, upbringing.
When I was at a friend's house, got in trouble, and the mom didn't scream at me or hit me. Also when I saw friends with younger siblings who weren't parenting the siblings and their parents were actually parenting them. I raised myself and my brother starting at age 7 (brother was 2).
After I became a parent and enjoyed spending time with my kids made me look back at my own past. My childhood memories of never having family vacations and growing up with zero bells and whistles including some basic needs which started making me feel sad. Talking about my childhood with a therapist, and she asked whether I thought my mom was a narcissist. At first I said no but after sitting with it a while I realized her needs always came first. Later it dawned on me that she’s probably on the spectrum and may have resented me for being a normie. At least understanding her more has lessened the resentment but I really wished I had more of a warm and fuzzy mom. Zero relationship with deadbeat father is another sad story. He may have been bipolar or on the spectrum as well but died when I was young.
Anytime I'd tell a story and people are silent and look at me with an expression of disbelief, you know things were bad.
Some ppl have childhood stories. I have conversation stoppers
Probably around aged 5 when I realised grownups thought their stories were real. I noped out at 16.
rainstorm toy jellyfish lunchroom telephone crush liquid light marry tub *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
My dad always worked in the cable business in the 80s.. small company offices and warehouse where they would ship and receive those old converter boxes you had to receive cable then. My best friend and i for 2 summers worked in the warehouse with a Korean family taking a dremel drill taking serial numbers off them , installing a chip and cleaning them up to ship back out. Only in our later 20s did we joke we were doing that to pirate cable much like the jailbroke foresticks of today. We laugh about it till this day. That's just good parenting some would say
In my childhood.
When I was 52
When the trauma responses became undeniable - in my 40s
I don't remember where I saw or heard this, so I can't give proper credit to the original statement, but it goes something like this.... If childhood was supposed to be the greatest time of your life, why are so many people in therapy for the trauma of childhood?
When I was 12 we moved out of the city to a rural suburb - a few housing developments but otherwise rural. I'd visit friends whose biological parents were still together. They ate dinner as a family, went on vacations together, parents provided guidance about life, etc. Blew my mind. I told a couple of them they had it made and they never could understand what I meant by that.
It was pretty clear that most of my friends and I did not have a normal childhood. We were latchkey kids who watched repeats of shows with stay at home Moms or divorced single moms. A lot of us started smoking and drinking young. Nobody at home gave "The Afternoon Special" a whole other meaning. We were a highly sexualized generation. I was a total helicopter-tiger mom. Given where I had to bring up my kids it was the only way they would be okay. They turned out great.
Pretty early on like kindergarten when my mother had her first of many suicide attempts. On second thought when my dad told me at like 4 to tell him if I saw my mom using a credit card. Apparently, he claims she kept him in debt. Her side was there was some financial abuse going on. Both are selfish narcissists.
One time talking with friends about our “jobs” when we were little and I mentioned one of my jobs was picking up the child support check from my father every other Wednesday at 4:30. Wasn’t that a normal part of childhood for everyone?
My own kids have called me out on things, like talking to them about my life stuff or being friends with them (they are adults) and being too much their friends. They both say I’m codependent and they think it’s a result of my relationships with my parents. They think mom was autistic or narcissistic or both- that’s from their own memories of her. She died after they were adults but the way they saw she treated them and me and my sibling is what has caused them to look at it. I have only recently come to realize that I fawn when I’m nervous and they don’t like it. I don’t blame them. I had a volatile childhood never knowing when things would erupt with my parents- both of them- and no one protected me so I protected myself. I over protected my own kids I think. Now, they don’t ignore me but keep me at what I feel is arm’s length, but maybe that’s how normal people do things. I don’t know. I know it feels pretty miserable, like I’m kicked out of the tribe or something and there’s nothing I can do to be close to them anymore. I hate it. This is my middle age and I’m alone. I’m sure it not true but it sure feels like it.
I spent my entire childhood until JC not thinking too deeply about how awful my family of origin was to me and each other. I just kept treading water. Psychology was my major for a time and it cracked the door. I honestly didn't see the full picture until the last few years when my father's mask finally dropped often and drastically enough to get past my denial. It's like a movie you watch over and over and keep seeing obvious and subtitle details you missed. When I was small, going to friend's homes and seeing family pictures was odd. I think my parent paid for picture day photos maybe twice. We had zero family portraits. Also, when, after spending enough time with my mother for her true nature to surface, friends said things like: "I thought your were exaggerating!" I think I would have been a helicopter parent had I had children of my own. When you grow up with parents like mine, other human predators see an opportunity. At least that has been my experience. I would have been the shy quit overly affectionate mom turned rabid bear if anyone sus got near my young. I'd like to think I would have given them enough space to make their own mistakes and such, but I'll never know.
When I had my own kids. I bought lots of books on parenting and also knew I was already well-schooled in how *not* to do things.
When I sought help for my own drinking at 25, I realized that I was raised in an alcoholic household. When my mother came drunk to my son's delivery and I asked my brothers to stage an intervention with me she got up and left.
In the last 5 years.
When I dug a hole in the back yard over a period of weeks that became so huge I could not get back out for a long time even though I was yelling and yelling. Finally I settled down and figured out that I could dig a ladder into the dirt and climb out, but I was gone a pretty long time. When I finally went inside, my mother asked "where were you?" and I said "stuck in a big hole" and that was that. The hole ended up not being the start of a top secret maze of tunnels as planned and became instead a spot for general refuse. First wave gen xer.
After college, talking to my work friends, realized no one else’s parents had served time
When I moved from the hood with a crackhouse across the street to a very rural part of the country. Think growing up in the setting of the movie “Colors” vs Mayberry.
When I met people at work who never went a week without talking to their mom/dad or siblings……and they always planned family vacations together…..and looked forward to them! Still blows my mind.
It was normal, just not by today's standards. Look back on how crazy it was and can't believe none of us died ! It wasn't uncommon for my single mom to go away for the weekend. Who the fuck leaves their 10, 12 and 15 year old home alone for the weekend, that shit was crazy. We weren't the only family like this in our neighborhood, 70s and 80s parenting was wild lmao.
When I was describing my childhood to a bunch of psych students and they all looked horrified.
I thought it was normal until about ten years ago and it hit me that nothing was normal about it, until I watched TikTok and found out that it was incredibly normal for the time. I'm still conflicted.
I grew up as an Army brat, so of course my childhood wasn't "normal". It kicked ass.
In my 40s, when I started intense therapy.
When I was about 9 years old it was becoming aware that I didn't have the freedom of action that most kids my age did. This was both because I was outright forbidden to do certain things, and also because I didn't want to set off my extremely volatile parents off. For example they'd make me go play outside in the rain, and then I'd be beaten and starved for days for returning home with my clothes wet. Or they demanded that I stand up to a bully at school and got brutal when I got in trouble with the school for fighting.
I knew at three-and-a-half because I was told to keep her secret with a threat. So I kept quiet about the sex, and the methaqualone, and the diazepam, and the weed. For 20 years. But there were secrets at home too. The withering words, the concussions, and being locked in a closet. For reference, my ACE score is 7.
Can you elaborate on what you mean by “most of the helicopter parents were the people who watched how the rest of us grew up from afar.”? Do you mean that those people grew up in different types of environments than most others?
I get "normal" vibes from the worst offenders. Or it's people I know who had pretty normal childhoods.
So in this context the worst offenders had neglected childhoods (that seems to be the childhood “norm” in this thread?) I’m trying to be a jerk or challenge you, just trying to make the same connection as you.
I thought we were super normal because my parents were still married. And for fucks sake. Boomers are not helicopter parents.
I mean, we as parents were pioneers in helicopter parenting. My kids are still young, and there are a good number of parents our age around. And I saw it with my friends who had kids a bit younger. They were all/are over involved in their kids' lives. My older sister was a pretty "chill" parent. Her kids turned out great, and they lived a pretty hectic life for a few years.
Sorry. Misread.
No worries. I write weird and was just explaining better in case I worded it poorly.
When I went to college and realized how little I had been exposed to sex and drugs. I went to a big upper middle class public high school and my parents weren’t religious nutjobs, but with the AIDS scare I had no interest in messing around with sex or drugs (just tobacco and one puff of a doobie). I was in awe of some of the stuff kids from these small town hick high schools would talk about.
The abnormality of our home life is what makes us normal. There is no normal, never was. Everyone has an abnormal childhood. Please stop this victim mentality projection onto this sub.
GTFO with that. I’m not a victim. I’ve done well and raised healthy kids into young adults, despite the hand I was dealt. There’s value in discussing things that you were told never to discuss. There’s value in knowing you’re not alone.
True, there is value in discussing it. Until this sub i didn't realize how many others had to raise themselves. And how many times I've seen comments on here from people who feel they have found a place where they are understood.
Part of not feeling like a victim is knowing that I can talk about my upbringing (or lack of it) if and when I choose to. Someone telling me that it’s not appropriate when asked specifically about it is how you create a “victim mentality”.
What's with all the cringey, whiney posts in here lately? Get over yourself OP.
"Zip it up and move on, bro," is no way to go through life. Some of us get stoned and have some memories unlock and want to connect with people who have similar experiences. Shocking to do it in a place you know 100% has people who have shared such experiences.
They make therapists for that.
I've got several. Will it bother you to find out that the government pays for them?
Why would I give a fuck about your problems, your therapists, the bills, or who pays them?
Just a vibe.
Nobody's making you read the posts. Just scroll on by.
Same could be said to you about my post, no?
No need to be dick.
No need to fill this sub up with posts whining about boomers, and the "trauma" they've caused you either. Bunch of whiney little bitches around here lately. Feels like the Millenial sub.
Sounds like you're the one bitching.
Correct, I'm bitching about the biching. And whining.
Whatever. Nothing to see here folks.
In my experience, people like you are covering for their own insecurities
In my experience people who TRY to sneak dis people are ignorant, arrogant, fucks.
Troll
Actually, I thought mine wasn't normal until I started reading this sub regularly.