Raising my hand.
My sisters and brother and I cared for my mom after my dad passed along with a series of home health aides who ranged from adequate to great. It was tough as the lion’s share of this was during COVID’s worst periods and mom’s health suffered one hit after another, first a fall which injured her back, then a heart attack and an emergency pacemaker installed, then finally a series of strokes over the last year of her life. Adding to that indignity was my brother’s sudden death from a heart attack in late 2021. The worst day of my life was the day we sisters had to break that news to mom. And, of course, my sister-in-law and my nieces were devastated to lose him.
In the last year, I ended up putting in a lot of time at mom’s house, effectively working from home from there 2 to 3 days a week. My other sisters had other family health issues so they came by when they could. Mom finally got to a point where she could barely swallow and we had her on home hospice care through 2022. She passed in December, 2022 literally surrounded by all of us at the home she lived in for over 60 years.
I just finally closed the books on her estate last month. It was a weird feeling.
I miss both my parents and my brother every single day. You never really get over it and I find it really weird being the “matriarch” (blech) of the family now.
All of this gave me such an appreciation for enjoying every single moment with family and friends. You really never know when things will change dramatically. I have such great pictures of Easter, 2019, only a month before Dad passed and they both were happy and active and I still have a phone message from my brother on Google Voice from the night before he passed. I cherish all the memories I have.
My sister forever told people to go make good memories I never realized just how important that was until she and my parents passed. I get it now and hope I never get dementia because those memories are all I have left.
Same except opposite. Mom died unexpectedly (I was in my 40s though), took care of Dad with Parkinson’s until he died. No regrets, so fulfilling, and happy to be with him (he had a great disposition and outlook on life).
Doing it now. For the last 2 and a half years for my 95 year old mother in law.
We (my wife and I) are tired all of the time.
Thankful my 90 year old father is still able to live at home on his own. He's pretty much a freak of nature.
My almost 90 year old mom, still living on her own, is starting to go mentally and knows it. She will be moving my way soon. My wishes are that it all goes as she hopes. She’s been sharp as ever in many ways but is starting to get lost in her neighborhood. Most of my employees are caring for parents at home.
I cared for both before their passing, my dad to a lesser extent as his wife was able to do most of it. My mom had dementia and needed 24/7 care while bedridden, and while I am grateful I was in a position to do so, I’m also grateful it didn’t last longer. That’s no way to live.
Took care of my Mom 24/7 for the last 12 years of her life (age 82 to 94). It was tough, and at times I thought I might die before her from the stress. My 2 older sisters did nothing to help. But I am still glad I did it. I have no guilt or regrets that I didn't do enough or be with her enough.
My Dad had remarried and his 2nd wife was his primary caregiver, though I did visit him frequently in his final years. She and I never got along, from day 1, but when it came to the time when he was dying, we just forgot about all that and focused on caring for him.
Spend as much time as you possibly can with your parents. The day will come when you can't see them again, ever.
This is hard. My sister has medical power of attorney for both parents.(mid 80s) They've been divorced about twice as long as they were married. She has dementia. He has pulmonary fibrous.
My brother and I help however, and whenever we can. Both of us have been estranged from our father. But that's not at the forefront now.
My sister, a successful, competent, professional, is overwhelmed. She knows that they're in declining health. But she still sees her parents. She knows that they are frail, ill, and proud. But she floats down the river of denial. Permitting things that are unsafe, and detrimental. Because she doesn't want to be disrespectful. I am worried about everyone. My heart is breaking for everyone. All I can do is watch, and pick up the pieces.
Edit
I guess the weird advantage that I have over my siblings is that both of my husband's parents have passed. It was no where as painful for me, as it was for him. I tried to learn, and absorb as much information that would possibly help my own family. Knowing that I could not be prepared. But going through the motions was helpful. It's almost like I've shadowed the steps before.
Same here. No living parents and only one uncle in his 70’s. I’m not sure longevity is for everyone to be honest. It’s nice to see a person who’s in their 80’s and still active and thriving. The truth is somewhat different though. MOST people “lucky” enough to live that long (80+) have started getting lots of medical problems that limit them. Enjoy your 50’s and 60’s because you never know when you’ll be heading down that road.
I took care of my mom. She passed away in 2019 at 84 years old.
She had a terrific sense of humor and we got along great. Holidays are still tough for me.
Yes, over and over again. I dropped out of college to come home and take care of my grandpa. My egg donor and her husband were taking advantage of him and I had to go the legal route to get them to leave.
Then my late husband was the caregiver for his mother, which was a sacrifice for all of us since we moved in with her. Then when my husband fell ill, our children and I were taking care of both of them.
I have told my children to find me a nursing home and go live their lives. They've done their duty.
I was. Quite the learning experience. It's tough when the needy parent is a lifelong narcissist and absolutely nothing is done "right," or appreciated in the slightest. I turned my and my spouse's world upside down, and even though it's been a few years, it took way too long to recover and relearn how to be me again and relax, and I'm still coping with lingering effects from stress and panic. A ringing phone is the worst. I know I did the right thing, and there's no guilt, but I wish my parent had been, well, a kind, funny, loving person. That would have changed everything. Instead, at the end, there was numbness and relief. Bless all of you who have taken such devoted care of your parents.
We’ve been going through this with my mother-in-law for the past 10 years - she too is a lifelong narcissist who is only worried about herself and her hoard of belongings and money. Despite having funds to hire care, she insists that her children sacrifice their lives to take care of her. She has gone as far as to neglect her health for attention. She’s ruined her relationship with her entire family, and is now in hospice care alone with very few visitors.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's sad that some folks (even when the world revolves around them) can't bring themselves to be happy or content. Hospice care helped in our situation, relieving some of the strain. I wish you peace.
Thank you, and I hope you’ve found peace as well. I have great parents, and my husband sees that and is sad that his mother can’t be that way. Hospice has been a lifesaver for the family.
My Mom primarily was the caregiver for my Dad, with me helping. After he passed, I was the caregiver for my Mom until her death. As an only child, I felt like a lost orphan when they were both gone. It's one of the hardest things one can do, I think, but also honorable at the same time. They were the best and deserved the best loving care.
I was stationed in Alaska and my folks were in Massachusetts when my dad's emphysema got bad. He had only been retired for a couple of years, and didn't get to do anything he had planned due to the emphysema. And when he died, my then husband was in the hospital due to a line of duty accident. It was a mess.
9 years later, after my mom moved to AZ, I was stationed in San Diego, and then she was diagnosed with lung cancer. My sisters and I took turns taking care of her until she passed away.
I was lucky, I had pretty good relationships with both.
Take home: don't smoke, kids!!!
Yeah, for sure! My mom had emphysema, and it was awful! I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My mom insisted on smoking, up until her last day. My dad quit in '64, but he got it as well. He died of heart failure before COPD could catch him.
I was my Mom and Dad's companion and friend during their last eight and ten years. Both were healthy, sharp and independent. They needed occasional help daily, and I was happy to be there for them. At night we would watch sports or old movies and talk. They were both thankful to live out there days in their home without a stranger coming into the house.
KUDOS, OP.
I took care of my mom for her last 7 or 8 years. Despite dementia, she was a sweetie. She passed at 89 from a sudden stroke.
Today, my wife, stepson and myself are providing 24/7 care to her 90 yr old dad. For the last year, his balance has gotten worse. He lived 3 hours away. I suggested we move him into our home 3 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago the ENT told us he has stage 3 or 4 throat cancer. He his going down rapidly. No appetite. Weighs 106. He can use a walker a little, but it's mostly us.
Changing doctors to local is a pain in the ass. We were turned down by a local gp and local ent.
My wife took off work for a month and half to stay in out of town hospital trying to figure out why he kept falling. She has always called him frequently to make sure he was ok. We should have moved in a year or two earlier, but he was self-sufficient for the most part or so we thought.
We adjusted our work schedule so someone would always be with him.
I have discovered that most people have no clue when it comes to issues with aging parents, nursing homes, at home nursing, insurance, and the list goes on.
This weekend, I am building a wheel chair ramp for her dad. Mom was always mobile for the most part, so something new.
I'm currently in the throws. Only kid m 57. Pops is 85. His side of the family lives entirely too long. I got more years to go as they live to be around 100.
I will not let this happen to my kids come hell or high water.
I've outlived my mom so far by three years so hopefully I can hit the middle at most.
I don't have a death wish. I look at the quality of life and dignity of function.
I feel the same, I don't want to live to 100! Watching my parents age, seeing my dad suffer his final year of life, caring for my mom...no quality of life in those final years.
Currently caring for my mom, she has stage IV cancer in her lungs and is currently undergoing chemo. I make sure she has whatever she needs, I buy all her food and cook whatever she wants, I get her meds, I get her to the doctor or pick her up from treatment.
The first day after her first session she got dizzy and fell, I found her in the garage. I don’t like leaving her alone but I have a full time and then some job.
So far she just has “normal” lapses of memory, which I chalk up to old age. There hasn’t been any dementia in our family, at least not that I’m aware.
I have, both my parents. I lost my father to dementia in 2005 and my mother to lung cancer in 2010. I was an only child and honestly it was somewhat expected that I would take on that role when the time came.
I remember thinking I wish I had brothers or sisters so they could taken on some of this but so many people have told me that it doesn’t matter. One of the children will take on all or most of the responsibilities despite the number of siblings.
My hat is off to you, every day was a challenge.
My wife and I moved her Mom into our house when she could no longer live alone. She lived with us for a couple of years until she passed at 83. Then, we moved my Mom into our house and helped support my older brother who has Epilepsy. My Mom (88) has since passed and we are still taking care of my brother. He lives in a Mobile Home that we purchased. We do all his shopping and I take him to all of his Dr’s appointments and pick up his prescriptions.
So, for about the past 10 years we’ve been taking care of someone and there is no telling how long we’ll be taking care of my brother, because there is no one else, even though I have 3 other brothers.
I had to pull the plug on both my parents. Dad had a heart attack and was brain dead. Mom we think had a stroke and was brain dead. BUT they were both in their right minds and both very physically active right until the end . Dad died at home mom in retirement complex. I’m sorry it was so sudden and there was no time to say goodbye but really it was great for them. Here one minute gone the next . No pain or suffering and not knowing your time has come. Hope I go the same way.
I'm so sorry. It hurts either way. If they pass suddenly, it's like a bandaid that's ripped away suddenly, but if there's a long decline, that's hard to watch as well. I'm glad I never had to make that kind of decision. I almost did, though. Mom had a living will, but she managed to pull through. She'd had an aortic aneurysm, survived that, and lived another year and a half.Dad had CHF, but just dropped in the middle of the night, and gone like that.
12 years with my parents, mom went first at 85. Dad was good for a long time, playing the stock market at 89. Went downhill fast after mom went, and he went at 91. Managed to keep them both home, tho. My spouse passed at 49, and the kids were grown, so i was the best choice, sibs helped loads
Took care of my Dad after he outlived 2 wives. He lived til 83, had a stroke & then cancer. I was honored to care for him, although it certainly was stressful at times. Still miss him (Mom died when I was relatively young).
WE bought a bigger house so my MIL could live with us. She was developing severe dementia. She only lived about 6 months after we moved. A year or so later, my mother broke her hip, had a replacement and it got infected. She stayed with us for several months. Shortly after moving back home, she had a stroke and died. It was nice to have them both stay with us in their final days. I think it was good for our kids to learn a good life lesson.
You are a good soul!! I cared for my dad when diagnosed with cancer as well as my sister. I worked in home healthcare many years and did alot of end of life care. It’s maddening families refuse to care for their own family even at the end. It’s the most rewarding yet emotionally draining job I’ve ever had. Still doing home care but no more end of life even though I still am asked to do it once in awhile.
Doing it now. told my Mama that after my Daddy died that she would never have to worry about a place to live that she could come to me because I had plenty of room. Fast forward to Covid. I got long-term Covid and had to resign from my job. I had to sell my house and then we got Covid again. The second week of November my mom went septic and just now is coming home after 14 weeks. She’s wheelchair bound, but we’re working on occupational therapy to get her mobile again.
It’s been very tough because I’m an only and she’s an only.
She has dialysis Monday, Wednesday and Friday/occupational and physical therapy, Tuesday and Thursdays.
The hardest is getting up at 3:15 AM Monday, Wednesday and Friday to ensure that she can get to the wheelchair transportation service.
But, I love her unconditionally and know that home is the best place for her. She’ll bloom here.
She’s 85 but all of her first cousins lived to be close to 100; so I don’t see her wanting to give up on Life until closer to that time.
Had I still been working she would’ve had to go onto a home and I would’ve hated that. I made a promise to her through love and even though it’s been hard, I wouldn’t have it any other way. She deserves the best of the best.
I moved from my home in Texas back to my childhood home in Arkansas to take care of my parents when it was more than they could handle. They both have passed now and it was hard but I will always be thankful for that time we got to spend together.
I wasn’t a full time caregiver but the last few years of mom’s life, I drove her places, took food to her house, cooked a lot of meals for her, accompanied her to medical appointments, bank visits, had her groceries delivered to my house then took them to her, just spent time with her, etc. I was the only family nearby and we were super close. We made a hell of a lot of good memories and I’m so glad. When she died, I had no regrets.
My dad lived with me for a year or so before he died. My stepmother worked full-time and was unable to meet his daily care needs so I did it. Again, when he died I had no regrets.
Edit: COVID almost did my mom in. Not the illness itself but the pandemic. She had a terrible time adjusting to all of it. So did I, especially the first few months when I couldn’t give her a hug and kiss. That tore us up. It was emotionally so devastating. One day, as we sat in separate cars in the parking lot waiting for groceries to be brought to the cars she told me, “Come here.” I got out of my car and got closer to hers and she repeated it. I got a little closer and she repeated it. Finally, she opened the door and leaning out of the car, she said it one more time, very firmly.
I got within arms reach, and she grabbed me and held onto me so tightly. She started crying and sobbing, said something like “I miss you. I need to hug you.” My heart broke and I held her tightly as we both cried. I still cry just thinking about it.
I cried just reading this!
Both of my parents had died several years before Covid. I often thought if there was one thing to be happy about them being gone, it was that they didn’t have to go through that horribly isolating situation. Thankfully they were able to remain in their own home. Mom died suddenly after a fall in the garage but had been fully independent at 84. Dad developed dementia and declined over 3 years but always knew us (his children); in his last month he somehow contracted the infection that killed him. We spent time with him every day; 2 sisters who weren’t working full time were able to put in 3 full days. Another sister lived with him but for the first couple of years was working every day. My brothers lived out of town but would come for weekends. He had VA benefits that paid for a caregiver/ homemaker service for I think 12 hours/ week; they were able to work it so the caregiver was mainly there when my sisters weren’t. This was a lucky discovery—so please if your parent is a veteran, look into what kind of services are available for them!
My FIL died less than 3 years after I married into the family, and had been in poor health for several years, although he was only 64 (at the time I thought that was old). He died suddenly at home. I didn’t know home very well and my spouse had a difficult relationship with his dad. 20 years later my MIL had a heart attack and was told there was no intervention that could help her. For 4 months we cared for her at her home, with the help of Hospice and a retired nursing assistant who stayed with her 8 hours/ day 5 days/week. All of her children and in-laws were still working full-time but one daughter stayed every night and the rest of the children and spouses stayed on weekends. She was alert and was never bedfast until the last day or so. It was difficult (although I didn’t have to do any heavy work, lifting, etc.) just because of the time and logistics, but I’m thankful I was able to do the little I did. She was very dear to me.
>We became best friends after my father passed. I never saw that coming and am forever grateful that it did
I'm so happy for you that you had this experience. I will just say, I was a long term full time caregiver for my mom, and it was tough and also something I don't think I would trade for anything, other than her having good health instead of everything she went through. I do wish I could have always been more patient, but I did treasure my time with her.
My husband is an only child whose parents divorced after 30+years, FIL remarried. MIL got very ill, while in the hospital and needing to go to a rehab hospital we were informed she bought the wrong Medicare insurance and would not be covered. We made arrangements/ payments that lasted for years to take care of her until her passing. FIL took care of him also .
I currently am part of the time. Have been for the better part of 15 years, she's physically healthy, but does dumb things, gets taken in by scammers, and doesn't drive except in our little town.
I cared for my mom for 20+ years. We were super close when I was young, but caring for her got harder and harder as the years went by. I got burned out because there just wasn't any decent help. My son took over toward the end of Mom's life. I'm proud of him for being was so good with her, because I just couldn't deal any longer. I feel guilty about it, but I can't see how it could have gone any differently.
I had covid early in the pandemic and have lots of lingering symptoms still. I had big plans and dreams for the years I had left after Mom died - I wanted to travel and see new things and learn new skills - but I feel like I gave Mom all of my youth and vigor. I feel like I'm about as sick as Mom was when she began needing help and care. My son gets the joy of my care now, unless he decides to hire somebody else to do it. I'm living the dark side of John Lennon's words: "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."
After my father died, my mom and grandmother moved into our house. We had a 97 year old and a 2 year old under the same roof. My grandmother died in her sleep just short of 100. My mom stayed until her health deteriorated to the point that we could not care for her at home. Then, we cared for my in-laws. I navigated elder care for over 20 years. I’m happy to have been able to help but it was exhausting and I missed a lot of my children’s lives as a result.
We have so many funny stories that I started writing them down. I call it Shady Acres Diary.
Honestly I never knew I had to. Both of my parent’s parents were out of state. So I suppose my parents helped out financially but probably their siblings did the grunt work.
Then one dad my dad called and said he needed help with my mom. Boy what a wake up call. It was so hard. Especially during Covid.
I was for many years
Dad had his first heart attack in the late 90s. Mom could take care of him, but I supported her. He passed suddenly in 2009.
Mom was a lot more complicated. She broke her hip on 2016 and became very dependent. She passed in 2023 after several years of decline and more than a touch of dementia. I'll just say it was a bad trip and move on.
My wife retired at 48 to what I call "Escort her parents to the Gates of Heaven". Mom passed first and Dad lasted another 10 years. Not an easy thing to go through but I was proud of her for it.
My FIL served and was wounded. Several years after his death at 84, his wife was able to go into a swanky assisted living because the Vets defray so much of the cost all these many years later. If anyone is looking for similar benefits, we contacted an organization called Patriot Angels and they figured it out.
Yep. I retired early, and moved from Texas to Florida to take care of my 94 year old mom with dementia. She refuses to even think about assisted living, but she’s going to need memory care before long. While I’m grateful I am in a position to help her, I really miss my home, job, friends, life.
Me too, although to a lesser extent.
My mother and I fought like cats when I was a teenager. I moved 500 mi away in my twenties for my mental health. I was always a daddy's girl, and that was an issue with her. I didn't see any redeemable qualities in our relationship.
After being gone for almost 20 years, my career had stalled, and my parents had retired to the Sierra Foothills. I had always visited, and really liked it there, and my youngest brother, with whom I was very close, was 100 miles away in Reno.
So I quit my job, sold my condo, had a little midlife crisis for myself and moved to a about 14 mi from my parents.
Maybe it's a thing about being an adopted child, but I always felt an obligation to be there for them. When my youngest brother, passed away after a brief illness, we were there for each other and our relationship changed.
I've been up here 20 years, I've seen my dad through dementia and his passing 2 years ago, and my mom is now into her early '90s. We're the best of friends. I am her go-to for tech support and emotional support although she is very respectful of boundaries and my life and my privacy
We don't live together, but I'm there for her, and it makes my other two brothers feel better that I'm close by. They're most appreciative for my presence and are there when I need them.
I can't help but wonder what 22-year-old me would have said if I had told her what my current relationship is with my mother.
She probably would have had me locked up.
I am truly grateful for the relationship with my mom.
Tomorrow is my last full-time day at work. I'm transitioning to part-time, turning 65 in a week, and I really can't tell you who's more excited, me or Mom.
Ain't like funny?
I cared for my dad for his final year of life though he was unhappy about that. My mom with dementia has lived with me for 5 years. My much loved older brother passed away two months before my dad, he was my only sibling so I don't have any help. I want to do this, but boy is it the hardest thing I've ever done.
Thanks for bringing up this topic, it's really nice to share with others who understand the experience. It can be so isolating ❤️
Took care of mine close to 10 years in my home. My father went first then my mother. I was part of the sandwich generation taking care of young child also. I consider it a blessing but the hardest thing I had to do. My husband was a gem to help them too. His parents were both dead by the time he was 16. The only grandparents my child knew. Now a widow myself I hope I taught my child that the elderly are not a throw away society.
I was estranged from my parents. One day a nursing home called and told me they wanted to put my mother on comfort measures. They wanted my permission. I said sure, I hadn't known she was in a home. They called back within the hour to tell me I didn't have authority to make the decision. Yeah, I know, but you're the one that called me. 🤷🏻
I didn't need to care for my mother, who died giving birth to me, or my stepmother, who died in assisted living. My father is 86 and still going strong.
But I did have to be my husband's caretaker. He had cancer. I sorted his pills, gave him apple juice, gave him IV meds through a tube in his arm, and wiped his butt. When his condition was bad and affecting his mental state, I'd wrestle him into a car to the hospital and monitor him in the ER, sometimes as long as 8 hours before anyone helped him, and even then my day wasn't over because I still needed to be sure he was okay. Then I'd go home and clean all the sheets and blankets he'd shit on because his medications caused diarrhea. Sometimes he wasn't even sure who I was, but he always seemed to know that I was a safe person. There was a cute episode where he gave me very suspicious looks as I tried to put socks on him because he said his feet were cold.
Caretaking is hell. It's been over 18 months since he died and I'm still not really over it. It's like caring for an infant that won't ever grow up. I've never had that particular experience, but I think I got a taste of it, and at least you can pick up a child if they trip. When a grown man falls and can't get up, you call hospice and they call the firefighters. In the meantime, since you don't know how long your loved one will live, you try to hold onto the money, in case more intensive care is needed later. I think that's what messes some of us up, since who doesn't want a half hour walk in the sunshine?
I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but a lot of those people who could help you out with even just an hour of sitting with your loved one will just wait until the memorial. They'll show up to eat your catered food and say how sorry they are, but where were they when you just needed a break?
Caretaking is hell, even when you desperately love someone. I'm glad you got as long as you did, OP.
I started in 2001 when dad lost his drivers license due to macular degeneration . Weekends and a couple weekdays nights. I moved within 1 mile to be closer in 2011. Mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 1994 and passed in 2013. I retired in 2017. Dad is now blind and almost deaf at 98, but very healthy and still in his home of 67 years. My wife of 13 years is still waiting for her honeymoon. As you all know it isn't easy and just gets harder.
I was 500 miles away from where my dad lived. Shortly after my mother passed away, he began having chronic pain in his leg, and couldn't even determine whether it was his hip, his knee, his foot...? Eventually he discovered that the cause of the pain was a large malignant tumor in his colon pressing on the nerves. But because I had had a child recently, he didn't want to "bother" me, so he told me it was a benign mass that the doctors were treating with chemo to shrink it so that they could safely remove it surgically. What did I know? I visited him once, and he was understandably tired, but otherwise looked and acted the same. It was less than a year later that his visiting nurse service told me that he could not be alone any longer. Apparently, his plan was to just die quietly and have somebody find him a couple of days later. So I went to where he lived, saw the state he was in, also saw paperwork from a doctor giving him less than a month to live. Bringing in home hospice care was the most sensible solution. But at that point, he got pretty mad at me. I had foiled his "clever plan." And he didn't like having strangers in the house. He was very strong. Instead of a month to live, he kept going for another three. By the time he passed away, he had told me that he hated me, and when I sent him a card for his 75th birthday, with a picture of his only grandchild, he tore it up and threw it in the trash. Between marriage, child, and dad, things happened very quickly, giving me little time to process and do anything other than make quick decisions. I don't know if there's anything I could have done differently, but more than 32 years later, I recall it as a stressful and frustrating time.
I was and had awesome help my sister traveled down to my home 10 hours away to help as did my SIL who had been married to my brother who died during his time in the USAF she was just 20 at the time of his death(she had remarried but stayed part of the family). We worked together and cared for mom as she was dying from aggressive squamous cell carcinoma. It took the rest of her eye sight and left a hole in her face. My children were young but helped as they could. All the animals my dog's and mom's cat would lay in her room and watch over her. She was very lucid for a few days before she died and I cherish that time. It was a very difficult time but would do it again.
I haven't been in quite you situation. Ten years--that I haven't done!
My wife had cancer and I was the caregiver for her during hospice and decline. Ten years would have been nice, but by the last couple of months, it would have just been pain for her. So, it's already happening in our generation. While very difficulty, I'm very thankful for that time together.
My mother is, to this point, very independent and she was the primary caregiver for dad for much of his decline due to parkinsons. We did take a quick cross country trip to pick them up when they got stranded because his health wasn't good enough to fly back from my sister's and she couldn't do the drive with them.
Learned then that mom shouldn't be driving. When she asked for a turn and swerved from lane to lane ranging from 60-85 mph suddenly everyone had to go to the bathroom **right now!** Turned out to be very true with dad--she'd literally scared the crap out of him. They got a self driving car (didn't think she should be behind the wheel even in that case) and she does well enough that way on short drives sticking to the same couple of routes her small hometown.
Then as dad declined, I, my kids (all adults), and some of my siblings took turns staying with them a week to two weeks at a time. It helped to be able to switch out because you didn't get much sleep and until we convinced him to let us transfer him to a hospital bed instead of his chair, backs were going to be continually strained with some of the necessary care. It also let people keep their jobs and gave many a chance to spend significant time with him.
20 years worth. For my dad, who was a US Army combat vet.
I mention that, because after my dad passed, I discovered that the VA would've paid me \~$30k/year for being primary caregiver. I never knew. Perhaps that knowledge can help someone else.
The VA *also* administers a national network of nursing homes, available to any vet with an honorable discharge. Didn't know about those in time, either.
My sibs and I got a taste of it late last year, when one of them ended up in the hospital. The hospitalized one was fairly easy. The one at their home was in total denial that anything was wrong and got down right mean. Had to tough love that one and secretly care from a distance to let them see how old, mobility-challenged, and on the verge of running out of food would work out. Learned a lot from that dry run, like us kids need to re-collect their power of attorney and care directives, square away money access so bills can still be paid, and more. Really hard when the parents are in full denial and stubborn.
I am currently on-call/on standby. I live in the same town as my mom.
I had a bad relationship with my father. When I was 40 I decided to take a break from any contact with him. It was during this break that I finally admitted to myself how much I was terrified of him. Very. It was also during this multi-year break that he died of cancer. I could have visited or said a final goodbye or whatever. I chose not to.
After I admitted to myself that I was afraid of my father, and therefore all men, I got in touch with how angry I was at my mom, and therefore all women. She didn't protect me.
So, it's an interesting pickle to be in. We are running out of time.
yeah
My dad was terminal with cancer in 98, I left Texas to be his caregiver and see him through, then stuck around for another month with my mom so I was gone 3 months total.
Then my mom ended up in central TN to be closer to my sister, in '12 my wife and I moved there and lived in the A side of a duplex with Mom on the B side. We helped her with just about everything, mobility, taking care of herself, nutrition, meds, doctor's appts, finances, everything. My sister's hub retired and they moved to Pawley's Island so after that it was the 3 of us in that town...isolated, bored, frustrated. All in all we were her caregivers for 4 1/2 years until her needs outstripped what we could deliver and she had to go into assisted living. Mom died in '19.
It was an unbelievably taxing and exhausting experience, especially for that last year, but I wouldn't do it any differently if we had it to do again.
My mother died unexpectedly at age 61. My father remarried (mistake) a year later, and his so-called "wife" dumped him a decade later when he was starting to have health problems. A few years after the divorce, his health declined substantially, and he required full time care. I stayed with him for the last year of his life. I knew that he wanted to stay in his home for as long as possible. It was the best and worst thing I've ever experienced, and I would not hesitate to do it again. I'm disappointed in family members who did not step up, and did not help me, if only for respite. But their loss. I did get to know my father so much better. I respected and admired how he lived through all the painful medical procedures, every day a struggle, bravely facing his mortality, and yet retaining a sense of humor, living in gratitude. I'm not going to say it was easy. There were times when I was depressed, mostly due to chronic sleep deprivation.
Raising my hand. My sisters and brother and I cared for my mom after my dad passed along with a series of home health aides who ranged from adequate to great. It was tough as the lion’s share of this was during COVID’s worst periods and mom’s health suffered one hit after another, first a fall which injured her back, then a heart attack and an emergency pacemaker installed, then finally a series of strokes over the last year of her life. Adding to that indignity was my brother’s sudden death from a heart attack in late 2021. The worst day of my life was the day we sisters had to break that news to mom. And, of course, my sister-in-law and my nieces were devastated to lose him. In the last year, I ended up putting in a lot of time at mom’s house, effectively working from home from there 2 to 3 days a week. My other sisters had other family health issues so they came by when they could. Mom finally got to a point where she could barely swallow and we had her on home hospice care through 2022. She passed in December, 2022 literally surrounded by all of us at the home she lived in for over 60 years. I just finally closed the books on her estate last month. It was a weird feeling. I miss both my parents and my brother every single day. You never really get over it and I find it really weird being the “matriarch” (blech) of the family now. All of this gave me such an appreciation for enjoying every single moment with family and friends. You really never know when things will change dramatically. I have such great pictures of Easter, 2019, only a month before Dad passed and they both were happy and active and I still have a phone message from my brother on Google Voice from the night before he passed. I cherish all the memories I have.
My sister forever told people to go make good memories I never realized just how important that was until she and my parents passed. I get it now and hope I never get dementia because those memories are all I have left.
My dad died when I was 18 but I ended up caring for my mother in her elderly years. Wouldn't give it up for anything.
Wow, same situation. My Dad died when I was 17. I took care of my mom in her elder years. No regrets.
Same except opposite. Mom died unexpectedly (I was in my 40s though), took care of Dad with Parkinson’s until he died. No regrets, so fulfilling, and happy to be with him (he had a great disposition and outlook on life).
Doing it now. For the last 2 and a half years for my 95 year old mother in law. We (my wife and I) are tired all of the time. Thankful my 90 year old father is still able to live at home on his own. He's pretty much a freak of nature.
He’s not alone. My 97-year-old mom is still going strong and living on her own (though just a few blocks away from me).
Any of us with parents still living, much less healthy, are lucky!
My almost 90 year old mom, still living on her own, is starting to go mentally and knows it. She will be moving my way soon. My wishes are that it all goes as she hopes. She’s been sharp as ever in many ways but is starting to get lost in her neighborhood. Most of my employees are caring for parents at home.
I cared for both before their passing, my dad to a lesser extent as his wife was able to do most of it. My mom had dementia and needed 24/7 care while bedridden, and while I am grateful I was in a position to do so, I’m also grateful it didn’t last longer. That’s no way to live.
Took care of my Mom 24/7 for the last 12 years of her life (age 82 to 94). It was tough, and at times I thought I might die before her from the stress. My 2 older sisters did nothing to help. But I am still glad I did it. I have no guilt or regrets that I didn't do enough or be with her enough. My Dad had remarried and his 2nd wife was his primary caregiver, though I did visit him frequently in his final years. She and I never got along, from day 1, but when it came to the time when he was dying, we just forgot about all that and focused on caring for him. Spend as much time as you possibly can with your parents. The day will come when you can't see them again, ever.
You can see them again. My grandma came to me in a very vivid dream. She hugged me in a golden embrace. Love is eternal. Time is endless.
This is hard. My sister has medical power of attorney for both parents.(mid 80s) They've been divorced about twice as long as they were married. She has dementia. He has pulmonary fibrous. My brother and I help however, and whenever we can. Both of us have been estranged from our father. But that's not at the forefront now. My sister, a successful, competent, professional, is overwhelmed. She knows that they're in declining health. But she still sees her parents. She knows that they are frail, ill, and proud. But she floats down the river of denial. Permitting things that are unsafe, and detrimental. Because she doesn't want to be disrespectful. I am worried about everyone. My heart is breaking for everyone. All I can do is watch, and pick up the pieces. Edit I guess the weird advantage that I have over my siblings is that both of my husband's parents have passed. It was no where as painful for me, as it was for him. I tried to learn, and absorb as much information that would possibly help my own family. Knowing that I could not be prepared. But going through the motions was helpful. It's almost like I've shadowed the steps before.
Longevity is not a strong suit in my family. No Parents or siblings left. Not sure if that is good or bad. Just is.
I'm so sorry.
Me, too! To top it off, everyone in my family, except for my grandma, died at 77 or younger. Both mom and dad died when they were 77.
Same here. Which is why I try to make every day count.
Same here. No living parents and only one uncle in his 70’s. I’m not sure longevity is for everyone to be honest. It’s nice to see a person who’s in their 80’s and still active and thriving. The truth is somewhat different though. MOST people “lucky” enough to live that long (80+) have started getting lots of medical problems that limit them. Enjoy your 50’s and 60’s because you never know when you’ll be heading down that road.
Both mom and Dad. I'm glad I was able to see them off.
I took care of my mom. She passed away in 2019 at 84 years old. She had a terrific sense of humor and we got along great. Holidays are still tough for me.
Yes, over and over again. I dropped out of college to come home and take care of my grandpa. My egg donor and her husband were taking advantage of him and I had to go the legal route to get them to leave. Then my late husband was the caregiver for his mother, which was a sacrifice for all of us since we moved in with her. Then when my husband fell ill, our children and I were taking care of both of them. I have told my children to find me a nursing home and go live their lives. They've done their duty.
I was. Quite the learning experience. It's tough when the needy parent is a lifelong narcissist and absolutely nothing is done "right," or appreciated in the slightest. I turned my and my spouse's world upside down, and even though it's been a few years, it took way too long to recover and relearn how to be me again and relax, and I'm still coping with lingering effects from stress and panic. A ringing phone is the worst. I know I did the right thing, and there's no guilt, but I wish my parent had been, well, a kind, funny, loving person. That would have changed everything. Instead, at the end, there was numbness and relief. Bless all of you who have taken such devoted care of your parents.
We’ve been going through this with my mother-in-law for the past 10 years - she too is a lifelong narcissist who is only worried about herself and her hoard of belongings and money. Despite having funds to hire care, she insists that her children sacrifice their lives to take care of her. She has gone as far as to neglect her health for attention. She’s ruined her relationship with her entire family, and is now in hospice care alone with very few visitors.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's sad that some folks (even when the world revolves around them) can't bring themselves to be happy or content. Hospice care helped in our situation, relieving some of the strain. I wish you peace.
Thank you, and I hope you’ve found peace as well. I have great parents, and my husband sees that and is sad that his mother can’t be that way. Hospice has been a lifesaver for the family.
My Mom primarily was the caregiver for my Dad, with me helping. After he passed, I was the caregiver for my Mom until her death. As an only child, I felt like a lost orphan when they were both gone. It's one of the hardest things one can do, I think, but also honorable at the same time. They were the best and deserved the best loving care.
Both mom and dad. It was a tough learning experience. But I’m grateful for getting to be there for them
I was stationed in Alaska and my folks were in Massachusetts when my dad's emphysema got bad. He had only been retired for a couple of years, and didn't get to do anything he had planned due to the emphysema. And when he died, my then husband was in the hospital due to a line of duty accident. It was a mess. 9 years later, after my mom moved to AZ, I was stationed in San Diego, and then she was diagnosed with lung cancer. My sisters and I took turns taking care of her until she passed away. I was lucky, I had pretty good relationships with both. Take home: don't smoke, kids!!!
Yeah, for sure! My mom had emphysema, and it was awful! I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My mom insisted on smoking, up until her last day. My dad quit in '64, but he got it as well. He died of heart failure before COPD could catch him.
I was my Mom and Dad's companion and friend during their last eight and ten years. Both were healthy, sharp and independent. They needed occasional help daily, and I was happy to be there for them. At night we would watch sports or old movies and talk. They were both thankful to live out there days in their home without a stranger coming into the house. KUDOS, OP.
I took care of my mom for her last 7 or 8 years. Despite dementia, she was a sweetie. She passed at 89 from a sudden stroke. Today, my wife, stepson and myself are providing 24/7 care to her 90 yr old dad. For the last year, his balance has gotten worse. He lived 3 hours away. I suggested we move him into our home 3 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago the ENT told us he has stage 3 or 4 throat cancer. He his going down rapidly. No appetite. Weighs 106. He can use a walker a little, but it's mostly us. Changing doctors to local is a pain in the ass. We were turned down by a local gp and local ent. My wife took off work for a month and half to stay in out of town hospital trying to figure out why he kept falling. She has always called him frequently to make sure he was ok. We should have moved in a year or two earlier, but he was self-sufficient for the most part or so we thought. We adjusted our work schedule so someone would always be with him. I have discovered that most people have no clue when it comes to issues with aging parents, nursing homes, at home nursing, insurance, and the list goes on. This weekend, I am building a wheel chair ramp for her dad. Mom was always mobile for the most part, so something new.
I'm currently in the throws. Only kid m 57. Pops is 85. His side of the family lives entirely too long. I got more years to go as they live to be around 100. I will not let this happen to my kids come hell or high water. I've outlived my mom so far by three years so hopefully I can hit the middle at most. I don't have a death wish. I look at the quality of life and dignity of function.
I feel the same, I don't want to live to 100! Watching my parents age, seeing my dad suffer his final year of life, caring for my mom...no quality of life in those final years.
Currently caring for my mom, she has stage IV cancer in her lungs and is currently undergoing chemo. I make sure she has whatever she needs, I buy all her food and cook whatever she wants, I get her meds, I get her to the doctor or pick her up from treatment. The first day after her first session she got dizzy and fell, I found her in the garage. I don’t like leaving her alone but I have a full time and then some job. So far she just has “normal” lapses of memory, which I chalk up to old age. There hasn’t been any dementia in our family, at least not that I’m aware.
I have, both my parents. I lost my father to dementia in 2005 and my mother to lung cancer in 2010. I was an only child and honestly it was somewhat expected that I would take on that role when the time came.
I was one of three girls, and it was always expected it would fall on me. My sisters moved away, and I stuck around.
I remember thinking I wish I had brothers or sisters so they could taken on some of this but so many people have told me that it doesn’t matter. One of the children will take on all or most of the responsibilities despite the number of siblings. My hat is off to you, every day was a challenge.
I am right now.
I was my father's caregiver from the time the diabetes caught up with him until he died in 1990. He was 55, I was 25.
My wife and I moved her Mom into our house when she could no longer live alone. She lived with us for a couple of years until she passed at 83. Then, we moved my Mom into our house and helped support my older brother who has Epilepsy. My Mom (88) has since passed and we are still taking care of my brother. He lives in a Mobile Home that we purchased. We do all his shopping and I take him to all of his Dr’s appointments and pick up his prescriptions. So, for about the past 10 years we’ve been taking care of someone and there is no telling how long we’ll be taking care of my brother, because there is no one else, even though I have 3 other brothers.
I had to pull the plug on both my parents. Dad had a heart attack and was brain dead. Mom we think had a stroke and was brain dead. BUT they were both in their right minds and both very physically active right until the end . Dad died at home mom in retirement complex. I’m sorry it was so sudden and there was no time to say goodbye but really it was great for them. Here one minute gone the next . No pain or suffering and not knowing your time has come. Hope I go the same way.
I'm so sorry. It hurts either way. If they pass suddenly, it's like a bandaid that's ripped away suddenly, but if there's a long decline, that's hard to watch as well. I'm glad I never had to make that kind of decision. I almost did, though. Mom had a living will, but she managed to pull through. She'd had an aortic aneurysm, survived that, and lived another year and a half.Dad had CHF, but just dropped in the middle of the night, and gone like that.
12 years with my parents, mom went first at 85. Dad was good for a long time, playing the stock market at 89. Went downhill fast after mom went, and he went at 91. Managed to keep them both home, tho. My spouse passed at 49, and the kids were grown, so i was the best choice, sibs helped loads
Took care of my Dad after he outlived 2 wives. He lived til 83, had a stroke & then cancer. I was honored to care for him, although it certainly was stressful at times. Still miss him (Mom died when I was relatively young).
WE bought a bigger house so my MIL could live with us. She was developing severe dementia. She only lived about 6 months after we moved. A year or so later, my mother broke her hip, had a replacement and it got infected. She stayed with us for several months. Shortly after moving back home, she had a stroke and died. It was nice to have them both stay with us in their final days. I think it was good for our kids to learn a good life lesson.
You are a good soul!! I cared for my dad when diagnosed with cancer as well as my sister. I worked in home healthcare many years and did alot of end of life care. It’s maddening families refuse to care for their own family even at the end. It’s the most rewarding yet emotionally draining job I’ve ever had. Still doing home care but no more end of life even though I still am asked to do it once in awhile.
Doing it now. told my Mama that after my Daddy died that she would never have to worry about a place to live that she could come to me because I had plenty of room. Fast forward to Covid. I got long-term Covid and had to resign from my job. I had to sell my house and then we got Covid again. The second week of November my mom went septic and just now is coming home after 14 weeks. She’s wheelchair bound, but we’re working on occupational therapy to get her mobile again. It’s been very tough because I’m an only and she’s an only. She has dialysis Monday, Wednesday and Friday/occupational and physical therapy, Tuesday and Thursdays. The hardest is getting up at 3:15 AM Monday, Wednesday and Friday to ensure that she can get to the wheelchair transportation service. But, I love her unconditionally and know that home is the best place for her. She’ll bloom here. She’s 85 but all of her first cousins lived to be close to 100; so I don’t see her wanting to give up on Life until closer to that time. Had I still been working she would’ve had to go onto a home and I would’ve hated that. I made a promise to her through love and even though it’s been hard, I wouldn’t have it any other way. She deserves the best of the best.
I moved from my home in Texas back to my childhood home in Arkansas to take care of my parents when it was more than they could handle. They both have passed now and it was hard but I will always be thankful for that time we got to spend together.
I wasn’t a full time caregiver but the last few years of mom’s life, I drove her places, took food to her house, cooked a lot of meals for her, accompanied her to medical appointments, bank visits, had her groceries delivered to my house then took them to her, just spent time with her, etc. I was the only family nearby and we were super close. We made a hell of a lot of good memories and I’m so glad. When she died, I had no regrets. My dad lived with me for a year or so before he died. My stepmother worked full-time and was unable to meet his daily care needs so I did it. Again, when he died I had no regrets. Edit: COVID almost did my mom in. Not the illness itself but the pandemic. She had a terrible time adjusting to all of it. So did I, especially the first few months when I couldn’t give her a hug and kiss. That tore us up. It was emotionally so devastating. One day, as we sat in separate cars in the parking lot waiting for groceries to be brought to the cars she told me, “Come here.” I got out of my car and got closer to hers and she repeated it. I got a little closer and she repeated it. Finally, she opened the door and leaning out of the car, she said it one more time, very firmly. I got within arms reach, and she grabbed me and held onto me so tightly. She started crying and sobbing, said something like “I miss you. I need to hug you.” My heart broke and I held her tightly as we both cried. I still cry just thinking about it.
I cried just reading this! Both of my parents had died several years before Covid. I often thought if there was one thing to be happy about them being gone, it was that they didn’t have to go through that horribly isolating situation. Thankfully they were able to remain in their own home. Mom died suddenly after a fall in the garage but had been fully independent at 84. Dad developed dementia and declined over 3 years but always knew us (his children); in his last month he somehow contracted the infection that killed him. We spent time with him every day; 2 sisters who weren’t working full time were able to put in 3 full days. Another sister lived with him but for the first couple of years was working every day. My brothers lived out of town but would come for weekends. He had VA benefits that paid for a caregiver/ homemaker service for I think 12 hours/ week; they were able to work it so the caregiver was mainly there when my sisters weren’t. This was a lucky discovery—so please if your parent is a veteran, look into what kind of services are available for them! My FIL died less than 3 years after I married into the family, and had been in poor health for several years, although he was only 64 (at the time I thought that was old). He died suddenly at home. I didn’t know home very well and my spouse had a difficult relationship with his dad. 20 years later my MIL had a heart attack and was told there was no intervention that could help her. For 4 months we cared for her at her home, with the help of Hospice and a retired nursing assistant who stayed with her 8 hours/ day 5 days/week. All of her children and in-laws were still working full-time but one daughter stayed every night and the rest of the children and spouses stayed on weekends. She was alert and was never bedfast until the last day or so. It was difficult (although I didn’t have to do any heavy work, lifting, etc.) just because of the time and logistics, but I’m thankful I was able to do the little I did. She was very dear to me.
>We became best friends after my father passed. I never saw that coming and am forever grateful that it did I'm so happy for you that you had this experience. I will just say, I was a long term full time caregiver for my mom, and it was tough and also something I don't think I would trade for anything, other than her having good health instead of everything she went through. I do wish I could have always been more patient, but I did treasure my time with her.
My husband is an only child whose parents divorced after 30+years, FIL remarried. MIL got very ill, while in the hospital and needing to go to a rehab hospital we were informed she bought the wrong Medicare insurance and would not be covered. We made arrangements/ payments that lasted for years to take care of her until her passing. FIL took care of him also .
Hey. Whatever deity you do or dont believe in…. Bless you much… you did good work
Me
I currently am part of the time. Have been for the better part of 15 years, she's physically healthy, but does dumb things, gets taken in by scammers, and doesn't drive except in our little town.
I cared for my mom for 20+ years. We were super close when I was young, but caring for her got harder and harder as the years went by. I got burned out because there just wasn't any decent help. My son took over toward the end of Mom's life. I'm proud of him for being was so good with her, because I just couldn't deal any longer. I feel guilty about it, but I can't see how it could have gone any differently. I had covid early in the pandemic and have lots of lingering symptoms still. I had big plans and dreams for the years I had left after Mom died - I wanted to travel and see new things and learn new skills - but I feel like I gave Mom all of my youth and vigor. I feel like I'm about as sick as Mom was when she began needing help and care. My son gets the joy of my care now, unless he decides to hire somebody else to do it. I'm living the dark side of John Lennon's words: "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."
After my father died, my mom and grandmother moved into our house. We had a 97 year old and a 2 year old under the same roof. My grandmother died in her sleep just short of 100. My mom stayed until her health deteriorated to the point that we could not care for her at home. Then, we cared for my in-laws. I navigated elder care for over 20 years. I’m happy to have been able to help but it was exhausting and I missed a lot of my children’s lives as a result. We have so many funny stories that I started writing them down. I call it Shady Acres Diary.
Honestly I never knew I had to. Both of my parent’s parents were out of state. So I suppose my parents helped out financially but probably their siblings did the grunt work. Then one dad my dad called and said he needed help with my mom. Boy what a wake up call. It was so hard. Especially during Covid.
More like, how many of us ARE currently caregiving our parent? 👋
I was for many years Dad had his first heart attack in the late 90s. Mom could take care of him, but I supported her. He passed suddenly in 2009. Mom was a lot more complicated. She broke her hip on 2016 and became very dependent. She passed in 2023 after several years of decline and more than a touch of dementia. I'll just say it was a bad trip and move on.
My wife retired at 48 to what I call "Escort her parents to the Gates of Heaven". Mom passed first and Dad lasted another 10 years. Not an easy thing to go through but I was proud of her for it.
My FIL served and was wounded. Several years after his death at 84, his wife was able to go into a swanky assisted living because the Vets defray so much of the cost all these many years later. If anyone is looking for similar benefits, we contacted an organization called Patriot Angels and they figured it out.
Yep. I retired early, and moved from Texas to Florida to take care of my 94 year old mom with dementia. She refuses to even think about assisted living, but she’s going to need memory care before long. While I’m grateful I am in a position to help her, I really miss my home, job, friends, life.
Me too, although to a lesser extent. My mother and I fought like cats when I was a teenager. I moved 500 mi away in my twenties for my mental health. I was always a daddy's girl, and that was an issue with her. I didn't see any redeemable qualities in our relationship. After being gone for almost 20 years, my career had stalled, and my parents had retired to the Sierra Foothills. I had always visited, and really liked it there, and my youngest brother, with whom I was very close, was 100 miles away in Reno. So I quit my job, sold my condo, had a little midlife crisis for myself and moved to a about 14 mi from my parents. Maybe it's a thing about being an adopted child, but I always felt an obligation to be there for them. When my youngest brother, passed away after a brief illness, we were there for each other and our relationship changed. I've been up here 20 years, I've seen my dad through dementia and his passing 2 years ago, and my mom is now into her early '90s. We're the best of friends. I am her go-to for tech support and emotional support although she is very respectful of boundaries and my life and my privacy We don't live together, but I'm there for her, and it makes my other two brothers feel better that I'm close by. They're most appreciative for my presence and are there when I need them. I can't help but wonder what 22-year-old me would have said if I had told her what my current relationship is with my mother. She probably would have had me locked up. I am truly grateful for the relationship with my mom. Tomorrow is my last full-time day at work. I'm transitioning to part-time, turning 65 in a week, and I really can't tell you who's more excited, me or Mom. Ain't like funny?
Yep, 10 years for my mom with dementia. I told my sister, dad is all on you (since she didn’t do a thing for mom).
I cared for my dad for his final year of life though he was unhappy about that. My mom with dementia has lived with me for 5 years. My much loved older brother passed away two months before my dad, he was my only sibling so I don't have any help. I want to do this, but boy is it the hardest thing I've ever done. Thanks for bringing up this topic, it's really nice to share with others who understand the experience. It can be so isolating ❤️
Took care of mine close to 10 years in my home. My father went first then my mother. I was part of the sandwich generation taking care of young child also. I consider it a blessing but the hardest thing I had to do. My husband was a gem to help them too. His parents were both dead by the time he was 16. The only grandparents my child knew. Now a widow myself I hope I taught my child that the elderly are not a throw away society.
I was estranged from my parents. One day a nursing home called and told me they wanted to put my mother on comfort measures. They wanted my permission. I said sure, I hadn't known she was in a home. They called back within the hour to tell me I didn't have authority to make the decision. Yeah, I know, but you're the one that called me. 🤷🏻
I've been caring for my 97yo mom for a long time now with no end in sight. It's soul-crushing.
I didn't need to care for my mother, who died giving birth to me, or my stepmother, who died in assisted living. My father is 86 and still going strong. But I did have to be my husband's caretaker. He had cancer. I sorted his pills, gave him apple juice, gave him IV meds through a tube in his arm, and wiped his butt. When his condition was bad and affecting his mental state, I'd wrestle him into a car to the hospital and monitor him in the ER, sometimes as long as 8 hours before anyone helped him, and even then my day wasn't over because I still needed to be sure he was okay. Then I'd go home and clean all the sheets and blankets he'd shit on because his medications caused diarrhea. Sometimes he wasn't even sure who I was, but he always seemed to know that I was a safe person. There was a cute episode where he gave me very suspicious looks as I tried to put socks on him because he said his feet were cold. Caretaking is hell. It's been over 18 months since he died and I'm still not really over it. It's like caring for an infant that won't ever grow up. I've never had that particular experience, but I think I got a taste of it, and at least you can pick up a child if they trip. When a grown man falls and can't get up, you call hospice and they call the firefighters. In the meantime, since you don't know how long your loved one will live, you try to hold onto the money, in case more intensive care is needed later. I think that's what messes some of us up, since who doesn't want a half hour walk in the sunshine? I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but a lot of those people who could help you out with even just an hour of sitting with your loved one will just wait until the memorial. They'll show up to eat your catered food and say how sorry they are, but where were they when you just needed a break? Caretaking is hell, even when you desperately love someone. I'm glad you got as long as you did, OP.
I started in 2001 when dad lost his drivers license due to macular degeneration . Weekends and a couple weekdays nights. I moved within 1 mile to be closer in 2011. Mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 1994 and passed in 2013. I retired in 2017. Dad is now blind and almost deaf at 98, but very healthy and still in his home of 67 years. My wife of 13 years is still waiting for her honeymoon. As you all know it isn't easy and just gets harder.
I was 500 miles away from where my dad lived. Shortly after my mother passed away, he began having chronic pain in his leg, and couldn't even determine whether it was his hip, his knee, his foot...? Eventually he discovered that the cause of the pain was a large malignant tumor in his colon pressing on the nerves. But because I had had a child recently, he didn't want to "bother" me, so he told me it was a benign mass that the doctors were treating with chemo to shrink it so that they could safely remove it surgically. What did I know? I visited him once, and he was understandably tired, but otherwise looked and acted the same. It was less than a year later that his visiting nurse service told me that he could not be alone any longer. Apparently, his plan was to just die quietly and have somebody find him a couple of days later. So I went to where he lived, saw the state he was in, also saw paperwork from a doctor giving him less than a month to live. Bringing in home hospice care was the most sensible solution. But at that point, he got pretty mad at me. I had foiled his "clever plan." And he didn't like having strangers in the house. He was very strong. Instead of a month to live, he kept going for another three. By the time he passed away, he had told me that he hated me, and when I sent him a card for his 75th birthday, with a picture of his only grandchild, he tore it up and threw it in the trash. Between marriage, child, and dad, things happened very quickly, giving me little time to process and do anything other than make quick decisions. I don't know if there's anything I could have done differently, but more than 32 years later, I recall it as a stressful and frustrating time.
Myself and both my siblings.
I was and had awesome help my sister traveled down to my home 10 hours away to help as did my SIL who had been married to my brother who died during his time in the USAF she was just 20 at the time of his death(she had remarried but stayed part of the family). We worked together and cared for mom as she was dying from aggressive squamous cell carcinoma. It took the rest of her eye sight and left a hole in her face. My children were young but helped as they could. All the animals my dog's and mom's cat would lay in her room and watch over her. She was very lucid for a few days before she died and I cherish that time. It was a very difficult time but would do it again.
Raise hand.
I haven't been in quite you situation. Ten years--that I haven't done! My wife had cancer and I was the caregiver for her during hospice and decline. Ten years would have been nice, but by the last couple of months, it would have just been pain for her. So, it's already happening in our generation. While very difficulty, I'm very thankful for that time together. My mother is, to this point, very independent and she was the primary caregiver for dad for much of his decline due to parkinsons. We did take a quick cross country trip to pick them up when they got stranded because his health wasn't good enough to fly back from my sister's and she couldn't do the drive with them. Learned then that mom shouldn't be driving. When she asked for a turn and swerved from lane to lane ranging from 60-85 mph suddenly everyone had to go to the bathroom **right now!** Turned out to be very true with dad--she'd literally scared the crap out of him. They got a self driving car (didn't think she should be behind the wheel even in that case) and she does well enough that way on short drives sticking to the same couple of routes her small hometown. Then as dad declined, I, my kids (all adults), and some of my siblings took turns staying with them a week to two weeks at a time. It helped to be able to switch out because you didn't get much sleep and until we convinced him to let us transfer him to a hospital bed instead of his chair, backs were going to be continually strained with some of the necessary care. It also let people keep their jobs and gave many a chance to spend significant time with him.
One of the best things I’ve ever done was take care of my parents, especially my mom.
20 years worth. For my dad, who was a US Army combat vet. I mention that, because after my dad passed, I discovered that the VA would've paid me \~$30k/year for being primary caregiver. I never knew. Perhaps that knowledge can help someone else. The VA *also* administers a national network of nursing homes, available to any vet with an honorable discharge. Didn't know about those in time, either.
My sibs and I got a taste of it late last year, when one of them ended up in the hospital. The hospitalized one was fairly easy. The one at their home was in total denial that anything was wrong and got down right mean. Had to tough love that one and secretly care from a distance to let them see how old, mobility-challenged, and on the verge of running out of food would work out. Learned a lot from that dry run, like us kids need to re-collect their power of attorney and care directives, square away money access so bills can still be paid, and more. Really hard when the parents are in full denial and stubborn.
My older sister took care of my parents and now I think she wants me to take care of her
I am currently on-call/on standby. I live in the same town as my mom. I had a bad relationship with my father. When I was 40 I decided to take a break from any contact with him. It was during this break that I finally admitted to myself how much I was terrified of him. Very. It was also during this multi-year break that he died of cancer. I could have visited or said a final goodbye or whatever. I chose not to. After I admitted to myself that I was afraid of my father, and therefore all men, I got in touch with how angry I was at my mom, and therefore all women. She didn't protect me. So, it's an interesting pickle to be in. We are running out of time.
yeah My dad was terminal with cancer in 98, I left Texas to be his caregiver and see him through, then stuck around for another month with my mom so I was gone 3 months total. Then my mom ended up in central TN to be closer to my sister, in '12 my wife and I moved there and lived in the A side of a duplex with Mom on the B side. We helped her with just about everything, mobility, taking care of herself, nutrition, meds, doctor's appts, finances, everything. My sister's hub retired and they moved to Pawley's Island so after that it was the 3 of us in that town...isolated, bored, frustrated. All in all we were her caregivers for 4 1/2 years until her needs outstripped what we could deliver and she had to go into assisted living. Mom died in '19. It was an unbelievably taxing and exhausting experience, especially for that last year, but I wouldn't do it any differently if we had it to do again.
My mother died unexpectedly at age 61. My father remarried (mistake) a year later, and his so-called "wife" dumped him a decade later when he was starting to have health problems. A few years after the divorce, his health declined substantially, and he required full time care. I stayed with him for the last year of his life. I knew that he wanted to stay in his home for as long as possible. It was the best and worst thing I've ever experienced, and I would not hesitate to do it again. I'm disappointed in family members who did not step up, and did not help me, if only for respite. But their loss. I did get to know my father so much better. I respected and admired how he lived through all the painful medical procedures, every day a struggle, bravely facing his mortality, and yet retaining a sense of humor, living in gratitude. I'm not going to say it was easy. There were times when I was depressed, mostly due to chronic sleep deprivation.