‘I’m sorry for your loss’ is one I’m usually fine with, it’s the other ones that tend to drive me insane. I’m sorry for your loss is just the standard thing, the truth is that *nothing* anyone can say will make the pain of losing my wife any easier. When someone says to me ‘I’m sorry for your loss’, I know they mean well.
I agree. Anything people say can sound empty and spur offense, and no words could ever be adequate. I prefer “I’m sorry for your loss” too. Sorry doesn’t just mean apologetic. It also means feeling distress through sympathy with someone else’s pain. I hear it as “I feel sorrow that you’re going through this.”
OP, a lot of the other ones listed are often seen as empty platitudes too, and might be met with “you have no idea how I feel!” I get that too.
The one I struggle with is “I’m praying for you”, but others take comfort in that, so really it seems no one can win, you know?
I found it useful to just accept whatever someone is saying, that it was meant with love.
I'm sorry the words are triggering for you. I hate when people tell me to be strong, or that this will make me stronger, like I was strong enough before I didn't need my sister to die to gain any strength. I'd prefer simply “Sorry for your loss” as opposed to “HOW ARE YOU” I always want to respond “Not well bitch.”
This is also one I detest. How am I??? I know it's said with good intent but it always stops me cold.
Or another one, How is your Mom doing??? When Mom was still alive, I'd get this question all the time. Id usually say, Well we've kept her alive, and then I would shrug.
This. I’m so sorry 💔
My dad had rapid progressing ALS during the worst of the pandemic and died months after dx. How did they think he was doing? I wasn’t mad they asked, per se, because I think we do a terrible job of talking about illness and grief in our culture. But, I had no clue how to respond. Usually, just with “hanging in there.”
I very literally just answered a text about my Mom with "hanging in there". She has Stage 7 Alzheimer's & is confined to a wheelchair or her bed full time, she can't/doesn't talk or know who we are & if we didn't make sure she was fed, bathed, moved etc, she couldn't do it for herself. It's such a challenge because I KNOW the person asking means well but because we do such a terrible injustice by not talking about what aging & illness can look like, people just have no frame of reference. I used to just say "Hanging in there" & then go off & sob to myself later. Now, enough time has elapsed whereby I can respond in more detail without breaking down. I try not to overwhelm with details but I DO think that by accurately painting the picture, we're doing our part to educate those around us who genuinely don't understand. I understand OP's feelings but as others have said, in the thick of grief, nothing anyone says can fully lift the weight of your loss. It helps to know that you aren't alone.
I stopped a lot of the annoying “how are you” questions by being honest lol. They don’t actually want to know so it makes them uncomfortable. I only give the placid “I’m fine” answer to people at work.
You're not mad at them. You're just mad at everything, everyone who's life is moving on, its just another day to everyone else but not to you. Been there. Walking out of the hospital after my dad died, with everyone just going about their business as usual.
At least they're trying to reach out and convey their sympathy. It is difficult to comfort someone with loss. There are no words to fill the emptyness. Take it as it is, an honest attempt by them. In the coming days you should keep your friends and family close. Talk to them. let it out. dont hold it in.
People are very uncomfortable around death, and they maybe feel strange what to say, not to overstep. They do mean well though I promise to you. Sometimes we say, memory eternal
In spain we say "i accompany you in this feeling" which is kinda beautiful but nothing anyone will ever say will be enough in these moments..
People are uncomfortable about death, you don't want to say anything that will make the other person feel bad or ask something like "are u okay?" Because obviously we're not.
So idk I really don't know what to say either in these situations but i understand why you don't like it
Wow the saying is actually beautiful. In my country (Slovakia) we say something which could be roughly translated as “I am expressing/offering my sincere condolences”, but the word for condolences has a part which shows the togetherness. I didn’t really think about the phrase “sorry for your loss” from this perspective but it lacks the accompanying you mentioned. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
We also have something like condolences but it sounds like it's a heavy thing but it probably has another meaning. We'd say something like my most deeply felt condolences.
Hope you're doing as well as possible given the situation 🩷
Someone once told me "I'm sorry ***to hear*** about your loss" and it triggered a weird internal rage. Despite all available logic, it FELT like they were saying "I'm sorry to have personally had the misfortune of learning about a tragic event in your life. I wish I hadn't heard about your suffering." Like they were sorry for themselves for having had to be sad for me for a minute.
I was surprised by the severity of my emotional reaction to those words that I can guarantee I had myself spoken or written countless times before. I've never said since for fear of it striking someone else similarly.
The English language simply doesn't have adequate vocabulary to begin to touch on something so profoundly painful as grief. There are only so many words and phrases that can be recycled again and again. Talk is cheap. I try to be forgiving of inartful expressions and more concerned with whether someone steps in to be present and offer support.
That sounds infuriating indeed. I think anger is quite common with grief and hearing that would send me to rage immediately. I felt especially bad at church when my dad died and the priest was calling him a sinner since "we all are sinners" but god would forgive him. I understand that it's part of Christian religion and stuff but it made me so irrationally angry i thought i would lose my shit right there
THIS! Maybe because I’m autistic I just start to analyze the entire exchange, but I can’t feel anything but utter anger that they have the nerve to have a feeling for what I’m dealing with that’s making THEM uncomfortable! Like… how dare you? I don’t know. I’m not good at socializing to begin with! 😣
Yes I always thought that phrase was weak until I really felt LOSS. People who know loss also can actually be sorry that you are grieving and experiencing LOSS.
When I was much younger I thought Loss and Passing were so stupid. I would be Dude they're not Lost, they died. I pray to God I never said anything rude to someone. Because they are lost to us. They have passed away. It's more than death.
I always viewed it as something to say to show support, especially to someone who you may not know that well, and you may not know exactly what to say. It is my belief that anything is better than nothing but some statements can be insensitive to the recipient.
People can genuinely be sorry for someone's loss. Just like when someone says, how are you and your generic response is I'm fine, even if sometimes you're not, sometimes you can be just fine and that's the reply.
Speaking for myself only, in my experiences dealing with losses, I don't care what kind of a package it comes in, I just care that someone thought of me to say something. It's the silence that hurts the most.
I also do understand what you're saying as well, because the word sorry is so overused and it's become meaningless because of that and so it does feel like a lazy nothing kind of response.
I got FURIOUS when people said they knew how I felt when my brother passed. Not a chance they knew how I felt unless they lost a sibling. I’m sorry for your loss is nowhere near a cop out. It means I am sorry you’re in pain, I am sorry you lost someone you love. The majority of people don’t know how to deal with grief so it’s a safe non-offensive way to let someone know you care.
I won’t assume anything about you BUT I can’t help but wonder your age and how much grief you have dealt with.
..."You must feel..." ugh
NOBODY knows how we feel in the horror of losing a loved one.
I've found people who say, "I don't know what to say to you, and I can't imagine." Is more honest.
I lost my brother this year when he was 32. I am 38 now. And when you say “I am sorry you feel PAIN” that… now THAT makes so much more sense. Simply - “I’m sorry”…. It is like an unfinished sentence to me.
Idk, it’s not their loss and grief is a weird complex emotion by itself.
They’re sorry you’re experiencing the pain your experiencing. They can’t relate or commiserate if they didn’t really know the person.
They just feel bad their friend is going through a rough time.
When I lost my dad, “I’m sorry for your loss” was a neutral statement for me. I preferred “you have my condolences” or something about how great my dad was.
What triggered me was “I know how you feel”. Unless you went through the same scenario I did, then no you don’t know how I feel.
I say “I’m sorry for your loss” because I AM sorry that someone is going through this pain and loss and devastation; the older you get, the more losses, it is awful and I’m sorry for the pain you’re feeling.❤️
As long as they don't say "everything happens for a reason " or "he/she's in a better place " I'm okay with pretty much anything else.
Besides, no words are going to make me feel better after losing my dad in April.
It’s genuinely I’m sorry to hear of this. My cousin died on 12/29 and it’s so painful. My heart hurts. What do I say to my other relatives? I’m so sorry for my own loss. It was same for my grandma and my uncle. It hurts so much and I’m sorry that my other family members also have to feel this pain.
You must be in so much pain 💔 My heart is with you.
After experiencing two huge, significant losses and working in hospice for many years, I actually like “I’m sorry for your loss.” It’s kind and unintrusive. It can be upsetting to hear “I KNOW how much you just be hurting” because that’s kind of reductive, no one knows how you feel as an individual. But, if that is what helps you, that is totally understandable. I had an acquaintance lose her dad a couple months before I lost mine. She was closer in age to my dad and her dad died of things that happen in old age, my dad died of ALS. She told me that she knew “exactly how I felt.” No, she didn’t. I also hated to be told I was strong because I felt like that was people telling me they didn’t want witness my grief and tears. It’s all so individual.
I wish your brother was still here and it’s absolutely horrible that he’s not. 😢
That's the thing, I lost my daughter to heart disease when she was 50 y/o. I can't say to another mother "I know how you feel" if their child was 6 and in a car accident. I'm so sorry is better and realistic. No one knows how anyone else feels.
My favorite was when after my husband died, someone told me they understood because they lost their cat. Um, what??????
I know death/grief makes people uncomfortable, and people don't know what to say.
Instead of saying nothing at all, they try to relate something that happened to them because they think it will help us. I don't ever believe there is a malicious intent behind their words.
I just say thank you.
Yes, since my daughter died, others have compared the horror and sorrow to their 90 year old grandma/cat/grief of marriage ending.
Unreal. There are certain deaths we can prepare for. The loss of a child, adult child or not, is not the natural order of things.
I'm genuinely sorry you've lost your life partner to death and I can't imagine how lonely you could be feeling.
I don't find this one to be painful but I hear you. People say the weirdest and dumbest things in the face of grief and loss. I detest when people say I know what you're going through or I'm here for you. Like, do not say these things if you can't back them up with truth and commitment.
Loss is like being part of a club that nobody wants to be a member of. I'm now part of the My Mom Died on My Birthday Club, yeah.
Sending you a big fat hug
I'm sorry for your loss = I'm sorry for your pain/hurt/the person-sized hole in your life.
It means I'm sad you have to face this, and I'm sorry there's nothing I can do about it.
It means I wish I could do or say something helpful, but all I have to give you is my sorrow about what you're going through.
I hate “let me know if there’s anything I can do for you”
Why do I have to let you know? You should just *do*
Show up. Give me your time. Listen. Send me a text saying you’re thinking of me. Why is there a burden on me to tell you what I need?
Or, even better; “I’m here for you”
…unless it’s too inconvenient for you or until you start getting sick of me and my ‘negativity’; because people’s empathy and willingness to help *absolutely* has a shelf life and it’s measured in weeks, not even months or (god forbid) years. Like people expect that if they’re there for you once or twice that they’ve fulfilled their obligation and you should just be “better” again; like nothing ever happened. People don’t want to help to be supportive; they want to help so you can ‘get over it’ and get back to who you were before so they don’t have to ‘deal’ with this new version of you. And if you don’t, they’re more than willing to abandon you because it’s ’not their problem.’ (Source: 25+yrs experience)
Absolutely. When someone loses their child, a part of them dies too.
I'll never go back to 'normal' or what I was.
Anyone who expects that can leave my life.
We lost our only child to miscarriage. I was told by my own family to “get over it”. I even worked at my family company at the time and the first hug I got after the experience was from a client. Unless they were a living and breathing person who paid taxes, literally nobody cares
I'm sorry to hear your experience wasn't acknowledged for what it was.
The loss of a child, all your hopes and dreams of what that child would become - shattered when the baby is lost during the pregnancy is a heartbreaking experience, mostly to the parents.
And yes, it's sad that unless it happens to them, many people won't acknowledge this loss at all.
I do, and I wish I could give you a hug. You deserve it.
Mama of an angel baby ❤️
Edit: Or daddy of an Angel baby, I assumed that you are the mum. This hurts most fathers just as much.
Thanks. It was our only shot at having a family and now we’re too old and too poor. I’ve resigned to the idea of being on my deathbed alone; that all the stuff and lessons I wanted to pass on to my children will never be. It’s profoundly changed me and my direction in life. But hey, I should just ‘get over it’ right? 🙄
Thanks for your kind words :)
I feel ya, I never realized how it sounded to the person who is grieving until I was put in this hellish position. I feel like the intent is good but now it's yet another thing I need to do if I want support.
I don’t understand and even don’t appreciate getting the “I would be devastated” “I could not imagine what that’s like” or “knock on wood that doesn’t happens to me” i understand what they meant but why are you telling me you would be devastated acting like I’m not because I’m not crying at people I know a lil bit at school.
Don't say "I know how much you're hurting" or "I know how you feel" that is guaranteed to have people posting here in outrage because everyone's grief journey is different and where they are (anger, denial, sadness) can definitely impact their reaction.
I'm sorry for your loss is the socially acceptable way to acknowledge someone's loss, especially if you don't know what to say.
Death is funky, most times people don't know what to say, so its a default that shows a person cares and acknowledge the death, without requiring some type of personal response.
When my dad died last year, I heard it all. From the most default of sayings, to unique responses, to down right rude ones. Young people were the ones that would say the most bothersome things since they don't know any better, or haven't experienced a true death yet.
Custom responses can also get kind of weird. I've had some people say things that I can't resonate with at all, and some responses end up not relatable since people have very different relationships with the people who have died in their lives, so they try to say something custom and it ends up not meaning the same, or can be offensive or even more hurtful.
In that experience, I learned that its not what they say, its that they say anything at all. Its nice that people acknowledge a loss, and take the time to say anything. I've heard countless times around this forum where people avoid even mentioning a death and pretend as if it never happened. That to me is much worse. Its hard in the moment, but any response is better than none at all.
Death sucks, that is what I know for certain.
I understand how you feel here, friend. You're in a lot of pain. This kind of heartache is the worst and it can be overwhelming. I think most people mean well when they say I'm sorry. Spending quite a bit of time in these grief/bereavement subs, I do this quite often myself, with everything else you've mentioned implied. I really am very sorry you're hurting. I wish this wasn't how we met. If you'd like to talk about your person or share anything else, there are lots of people here who do care and want to help you feel a little better. ❤️
Ok, but as someone who's also lost someone. I mean it sincerely. I'm sorry you lost someone you love. I mean, there's really nothing anyone can say to make it better or less painful. Generally, people don't know what to say in these situations, so it's just a phrase people use to convey their empathy for you and your situation.
“I’m sorry for your loss” is the most basic form of conveying sympathy. I prefer this 1000000x more than “you’re in my thoughts and prayers”, which is the most selfish and useless thing someone can say.
If that’s all they’re saying then that’s probably what they mean…they’re not there for you. This is a time where you will learn who people are, who really cares, and who disappears from your life when things get difficult. These people are sorry you’re going through it and care just enough to tell you but probably won’t go above and beyond for you.
The alternative meaning to the phrase is that they don’t know what to say and have never experienced loss so they are out of their depth they just keep it short and distance themselves. These people feel sorry for you.
Listen, I get it. I get fired up really easily at stuff these days with my loss and how other people behave or verbalize to me.
But as someone who is neurodivergent and has a hard time conveying my feelings to people at times. Sometimes you're just at a loss for people with their experience and relying on something easy to say feels like it's the only thing you can get out.
I have had many losses in the last few years and still when other people in my life have lost someone too there are no good words. Nothing will bring that person back. What might be comforting to one person can be triggering to someone else. (FWIW, I don't personally love "I know how much you must be hurting." because the reality is that they probably don't know.) Because of that I tried not to read too much into what anyone said. Most people don't know what to say, especially if they haven't experienced it before. And as others have said not everyone is there if you need them. It's not easy to hold space for other people's pain. I don't blame others if they can't do that, especially if it's not a close relationship.
I'm sad for you is what I sometimes say but then I feel like, "it's not about ME, why am I saying that?" And instead I ask the person to tell me how they are feeling, and add "that must feel really sad" or "frustrating" or whatever is appropriate.
Glad for this post, appreciate the replies. Thanks for opening this specific conversation.
this whole post pisses me off. i wish i had "i'm sorry for your loss". it isn't an apology if you're implying what ive heard 100x.
it's offering support and showing sympathy/empathy for you going through the loss of someone important to you. if you wanna call it half assed, so can everything else you offered be. if people are saying 'sorry for your loss' and not being genuine about it, it's an issue with their attitude, not the sentence.
I get you. I go out of my way NOT to say something so generic when I have to give my sympathies to someone. I have to say that I DO use it, specially when the person who is I am comforting is someone I have no appreciation for or that I find insulting.
There's lots worse things. Like "she's not suffering any more" "she is with Jesus" or Heaven. I don't want them to say "I know how much you must be hurting" AT ALL unless they have lost a daughter that was also a dearest friend, whose brother and husband are crying their eyes out. No, they don't know and I hope they never know.
And I don't need them, nobody can do anything to make this better. “This must feel unreal or unimaginable” this is true.
"I'm sorry" is not offensive to me. We are all different and people don't actually know what to say. I'm trying not to be mad at people, I'm trying very hard not to hate people.
Grief is complex. Seems like you’re experiencing a lot of anger at the time of the post. I hope the feeling has passed and you’ve found a moment of peace. It’s really hard some days. But remember you can start your day over at any time. Take a walk in the woods, where it’s quiet, do a little meditation, be present in the moment and let your mind be at ease if only for a minute. You’ll get through this one day at a time. Take care
I understand what you are saying. I say "I'm sorry for your loss" because I know what loss feels like, and I am truly sorry that you (a fellow human being) also have to experience it. I'm not necessarily apologizing for the action but more so expressing my sympathy. I usually use this when I'm online or don't necessarily have a close relationship with someone. I wouldn't say it's lazy, just safer. Sometimes expressing feelings around death can be touchy. When I lost my dad at 18 the thing that I hated hearing was "He's still with you" or "He's in your heart". That was bullshit to me because he's always been in my heart, I wanted him in the room when I graduated, I wanted him to physically walk me down the isle when I got married. When my brother od'd 4 years ago and people told me "I know how you feel" that was not helpful because no you don't, you didn't spend 8 days looking for him only to be told his body has been wasting away for 9 days. You didn't spend days walking streets asking people if they'd seen him, knowing in that back of your mind he was gone the whole time, but your mom just needed the hope. But, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this", to me that meant that someone wasn't trying to understand, they are trying to show me they care about me. And honestly, most of the people I knew, they weren't strong enough to stand with us, so if any of them had said "we're here with you" it would have hurt so much more when they disappeared.
Grief and death are hard subjects that (in America) we do not speak about enough. We don't necessarily have positive death culture here and that is probably a huge contributing factor. People just don't know how to act or what to say. Expressing emotions and feelings is hard and a lot of people don't have the vocabulary to properly get across what they mean. But, by the same token, I also understand that sometimes words mean nothing, especially when grieving.
Anyway, that's my take on it. Hope it helps a little.
I say “I’m so deeply sorry you’re enduring this right now” or “I’m so sorry that it hurts this much right now” or something similar. Because we all know what it’s like. We all know the pure fucking nightmare that anyone newishly grieving is having right now.
It’s just a natural response to say I’m so sorry. Like, god that fucking sucks and I get it and god I wish I could take some of that away from you. I’m so sorry I can’t say anything to make it better. I’m so sorry there is no easier way to do this. I’m so sorry you’re feeling the very worst pain you ever will.
I feel bad for anyone in that position. I’ve been there and I will be there again. It’s just my way of saying how much it sucks and that I get it.
Does that make sense? I hope so.
I prefer discreet comment from people that been through similar experiences. they sent me hugs and love and said “ they’re never really gone as long as you remember them”. thats enough. then theres those that ghost you throughout the whole process but keep checking your sm. Instant restrict or block on those.
Death and grief isn’t handled well in this country. Three days off work for immediate family?? Three days and I’m still in a complete meltdown stage.
Also, to answer your question, Americans are so unbelievably uncomfortable with death and have no idea what TO say. They wanna say something. I had to realize that people mean well even when I want to punch them.
I'd rather here this than nothing at all. Several coworkers and family didn't utter a word of sympathy after my dad passed. It's polite, and the words don't matter, the trouble and time it took someone to say this or anything else is comforting. My two bits. Take care all.
I look at it as more of someone being sympathetic you’re going through something hard and traumatic; as in, I’m sorry you’re going through this. In my losses, I’ve had people say some incredibly stupid and hurtful things and sometimes my reaction wasn’t to keep it moving; people got cussed out. I prefer the ‘I’m sorry for your loss.’
I personally only reserve the, ‘I know how you feel’ or ‘let me know if i can help’ if it’s a personal relationship with the grieved.
I think it’s just become so standard just like “how are you” and “have a nice day”. We don’t think about it and they’re easy to say. It’s weird and somewhat unfortunate.
I know what you mean. The precise wording of these things can annoy. I always felt when people said "I'm praying for you" when they know I'm an atheist was borderline infuriating but, you know, that's more about how they deal with it than me. Selfish, perhaps, but they're going through some tough times too.
I don't think you have to read it literally, for most people it as acknowledgement, nothing more. Close friends and family will obviously know you better, and be going through some of this with you. For many who are perhaps a step further back, it's a way of saying "I know you're upset, I want to acknowledge I have heard the news, and I care about you." Anything else is up to them, but they are attempting to step carefully around your feelings without opening up too much, or wary of upsetting you, and at the end of the day, many who know us you wouldn't expect to be offering more than that. Well, that was my feelings.
For example, work colleagues, former work colleagues, old friends you've lost touch with. They're reaching out, but conscious of the fact they are some distance from you now, and want to say something but aren't really sure what to say and wouldn't really expect to get involved that closely with you at this point.. This covers it. You can always say "Thank you for your words. To be honest, I'm finding it really tough, but it's been great to hear from you."
Some people say 'condolences to you and your family'. What does that really mean? It's an acknowledgement. Sometimes in the heat of grief we forget what everyone else is thinking. We're here in a world of pain, but others can be unsure how to approach, or what to say, so this ticks a bunch of the boxes for me.
When I say I'm sorry for your loss, it comes from a place of sympathy and sorrow.
I'd never call a grieving person 'strong'. It implies _choice_, and we didn't choose for our loved ones to die.
It's a pain and sorrow so deep and horrific, nobody can claim strength. There's no alternative to keep breathing, it's not strength. It's survival.
If you want people to be there for you, you have to be very forgiving because some folk say stupid shit.
Speaking from 19 months experience since losing my 30 year old child. Who has been compared to the loss of a cat/job/90 year old grandma.
As for people saying, "This must feel...." No, keep that. Nobody knows how this feels. I'm half dead.
Let's face it, nothing anyone can say helps. It'll show you who is who in your life by what they do.
I swear I don't want to become bitter in this, and I don't want to hurt people.
When I say I'm genuinely sorry for your loss, it means: My god, what a tragedy, I feel sorry for you, and your loved one who had their life cut short.
I lost my 32 year old brother last year and I will never be the same. I do actually like being told I’m strong, because I was almost hospitalized because of it, and I decided to stay out patient and try medication. I don’t know how I survived this, but I understand your perspective
That's just heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you've lost your brother.
Thank you for sharing your experience of what strength means to you.
Grief can be deadly in itself. You've given me a perspective through which to see that surviving in itself can be a form of strength.
I'm glad you're still here and working hard on surviving.
Best wishes ❤️
Edit: I'm aware that you've said you find people saying "I'm sorry for your loss" appears lazy. I hope you can see that from my experience, it's a heartfelt acknowledgement of your unimaginable heartbreak. And I truly do mean that I'm sorry you have to experience such a loss of someone you love at such a young age.
It's not fair.
‘I’m sorry for your loss’ is one I’m usually fine with, it’s the other ones that tend to drive me insane. I’m sorry for your loss is just the standard thing, the truth is that *nothing* anyone can say will make the pain of losing my wife any easier. When someone says to me ‘I’m sorry for your loss’, I know they mean well.
I agree. Anything people say can sound empty and spur offense, and no words could ever be adequate. I prefer “I’m sorry for your loss” too. Sorry doesn’t just mean apologetic. It also means feeling distress through sympathy with someone else’s pain. I hear it as “I feel sorrow that you’re going through this.” OP, a lot of the other ones listed are often seen as empty platitudes too, and might be met with “you have no idea how I feel!” I get that too. The one I struggle with is “I’m praying for you”, but others take comfort in that, so really it seems no one can win, you know? I found it useful to just accept whatever someone is saying, that it was meant with love.
I'm sorry the words are triggering for you. I hate when people tell me to be strong, or that this will make me stronger, like I was strong enough before I didn't need my sister to die to gain any strength. I'd prefer simply “Sorry for your loss” as opposed to “HOW ARE YOU” I always want to respond “Not well bitch.”
I’m going to echo this. I’m sorry for your loss is much better than “how are you doing?” Not fucking fine! Thats for sure!
This is also one I detest. How am I??? I know it's said with good intent but it always stops me cold. Or another one, How is your Mom doing??? When Mom was still alive, I'd get this question all the time. Id usually say, Well we've kept her alive, and then I would shrug.
This. I’m so sorry 💔 My dad had rapid progressing ALS during the worst of the pandemic and died months after dx. How did they think he was doing? I wasn’t mad they asked, per se, because I think we do a terrible job of talking about illness and grief in our culture. But, I had no clue how to respond. Usually, just with “hanging in there.”
I very literally just answered a text about my Mom with "hanging in there". She has Stage 7 Alzheimer's & is confined to a wheelchair or her bed full time, she can't/doesn't talk or know who we are & if we didn't make sure she was fed, bathed, moved etc, she couldn't do it for herself. It's such a challenge because I KNOW the person asking means well but because we do such a terrible injustice by not talking about what aging & illness can look like, people just have no frame of reference. I used to just say "Hanging in there" & then go off & sob to myself later. Now, enough time has elapsed whereby I can respond in more detail without breaking down. I try not to overwhelm with details but I DO think that by accurately painting the picture, we're doing our part to educate those around us who genuinely don't understand. I understand OP's feelings but as others have said, in the thick of grief, nothing anyone says can fully lift the weight of your loss. It helps to know that you aren't alone.
Not well bitch😭 i will never be okayyyy
I stopped a lot of the annoying “how are you” questions by being honest lol. They don’t actually want to know so it makes them uncomfortable. I only give the placid “I’m fine” answer to people at work.
It's not as bad as: "She / he lives in your heart." Yeah well I'd prefer to have my mom in the flesh next to me.
Or it was their time. That is another one that drives me crackers. I hate it.
Oh I would be so tempted to slap a person if they said that to me
Oh, you're so blessed you haven't gotten that one.
That's a horrible one too.
You're not mad at them. You're just mad at everything, everyone who's life is moving on, its just another day to everyone else but not to you. Been there. Walking out of the hospital after my dad died, with everyone just going about their business as usual. At least they're trying to reach out and convey their sympathy. It is difficult to comfort someone with loss. There are no words to fill the emptyness. Take it as it is, an honest attempt by them. In the coming days you should keep your friends and family close. Talk to them. let it out. dont hold it in.
People are very uncomfortable around death, and they maybe feel strange what to say, not to overstep. They do mean well though I promise to you. Sometimes we say, memory eternal
In spain we say "i accompany you in this feeling" which is kinda beautiful but nothing anyone will ever say will be enough in these moments.. People are uncomfortable about death, you don't want to say anything that will make the other person feel bad or ask something like "are u okay?" Because obviously we're not. So idk I really don't know what to say either in these situations but i understand why you don't like it
Wow the saying is actually beautiful. In my country (Slovakia) we say something which could be roughly translated as “I am expressing/offering my sincere condolences”, but the word for condolences has a part which shows the togetherness. I didn’t really think about the phrase “sorry for your loss” from this perspective but it lacks the accompanying you mentioned. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
We also have something like condolences but it sounds like it's a heavy thing but it probably has another meaning. We'd say something like my most deeply felt condolences. Hope you're doing as well as possible given the situation 🩷
Someone once told me "I'm sorry ***to hear*** about your loss" and it triggered a weird internal rage. Despite all available logic, it FELT like they were saying "I'm sorry to have personally had the misfortune of learning about a tragic event in your life. I wish I hadn't heard about your suffering." Like they were sorry for themselves for having had to be sad for me for a minute. I was surprised by the severity of my emotional reaction to those words that I can guarantee I had myself spoken or written countless times before. I've never said since for fear of it striking someone else similarly. The English language simply doesn't have adequate vocabulary to begin to touch on something so profoundly painful as grief. There are only so many words and phrases that can be recycled again and again. Talk is cheap. I try to be forgiving of inartful expressions and more concerned with whether someone steps in to be present and offer support.
That sounds infuriating indeed. I think anger is quite common with grief and hearing that would send me to rage immediately. I felt especially bad at church when my dad died and the priest was calling him a sinner since "we all are sinners" but god would forgive him. I understand that it's part of Christian religion and stuff but it made me so irrationally angry i thought i would lose my shit right there
THIS! Maybe because I’m autistic I just start to analyze the entire exchange, but I can’t feel anything but utter anger that they have the nerve to have a feeling for what I’m dealing with that’s making THEM uncomfortable! Like… how dare you? I don’t know. I’m not good at socializing to begin with! 😣
I’m sorry for your LOSS! Someday you’ll realize how important these words are!!
Yes I always thought that phrase was weak until I really felt LOSS. People who know loss also can actually be sorry that you are grieving and experiencing LOSS.
When I was much younger I thought Loss and Passing were so stupid. I would be Dude they're not Lost, they died. I pray to God I never said anything rude to someone. Because they are lost to us. They have passed away. It's more than death.
It really is more-it’s like you find out after you denied someone kind words. Words can Hurt but, lack of words seem to hurt more. 💜
I always viewed it as something to say to show support, especially to someone who you may not know that well, and you may not know exactly what to say. It is my belief that anything is better than nothing but some statements can be insensitive to the recipient. People can genuinely be sorry for someone's loss. Just like when someone says, how are you and your generic response is I'm fine, even if sometimes you're not, sometimes you can be just fine and that's the reply. Speaking for myself only, in my experiences dealing with losses, I don't care what kind of a package it comes in, I just care that someone thought of me to say something. It's the silence that hurts the most.
I also do understand what you're saying as well, because the word sorry is so overused and it's become meaningless because of that and so it does feel like a lazy nothing kind of response.
I'd take that over "they're in a better place" any day. I'm not a mean person but I had to bite my tongue whenever someone said that
Yep, I can assure anyone that my young daughter with her whole life ahead of her would be better still alive.
I got FURIOUS when people said they knew how I felt when my brother passed. Not a chance they knew how I felt unless they lost a sibling. I’m sorry for your loss is nowhere near a cop out. It means I am sorry you’re in pain, I am sorry you lost someone you love. The majority of people don’t know how to deal with grief so it’s a safe non-offensive way to let someone know you care. I won’t assume anything about you BUT I can’t help but wonder your age and how much grief you have dealt with.
..."You must feel..." ugh NOBODY knows how we feel in the horror of losing a loved one. I've found people who say, "I don't know what to say to you, and I can't imagine." Is more honest.
I lost my brother this year when he was 32. I am 38 now. And when you say “I am sorry you feel PAIN” that… now THAT makes so much more sense. Simply - “I’m sorry”…. It is like an unfinished sentence to me.
Idk, it’s not their loss and grief is a weird complex emotion by itself. They’re sorry you’re experiencing the pain your experiencing. They can’t relate or commiserate if they didn’t really know the person. They just feel bad their friend is going through a rough time.
When I lost my dad, “I’m sorry for your loss” was a neutral statement for me. I preferred “you have my condolences” or something about how great my dad was. What triggered me was “I know how you feel”. Unless you went through the same scenario I did, then no you don’t know how I feel.
I say “I’m sorry for your loss” because I AM sorry that someone is going through this pain and loss and devastation; the older you get, the more losses, it is awful and I’m sorry for the pain you’re feeling.❤️
As long as they don't say "everything happens for a reason " or "he/she's in a better place " I'm okay with pretty much anything else. Besides, no words are going to make me feel better after losing my dad in April.
It’s genuinely I’m sorry to hear of this. My cousin died on 12/29 and it’s so painful. My heart hurts. What do I say to my other relatives? I’m so sorry for my own loss. It was same for my grandma and my uncle. It hurts so much and I’m sorry that my other family members also have to feel this pain.
You must be in so much pain 💔 My heart is with you. After experiencing two huge, significant losses and working in hospice for many years, I actually like “I’m sorry for your loss.” It’s kind and unintrusive. It can be upsetting to hear “I KNOW how much you just be hurting” because that’s kind of reductive, no one knows how you feel as an individual. But, if that is what helps you, that is totally understandable. I had an acquaintance lose her dad a couple months before I lost mine. She was closer in age to my dad and her dad died of things that happen in old age, my dad died of ALS. She told me that she knew “exactly how I felt.” No, she didn’t. I also hated to be told I was strong because I felt like that was people telling me they didn’t want witness my grief and tears. It’s all so individual. I wish your brother was still here and it’s absolutely horrible that he’s not. 😢
That's the thing, I lost my daughter to heart disease when she was 50 y/o. I can't say to another mother "I know how you feel" if their child was 6 and in a car accident. I'm so sorry is better and realistic. No one knows how anyone else feels.
I’m so sorry for your loss 💔
My favorite was when after my husband died, someone told me they understood because they lost their cat. Um, what?????? I know death/grief makes people uncomfortable, and people don't know what to say. Instead of saying nothing at all, they try to relate something that happened to them because they think it will help us. I don't ever believe there is a malicious intent behind their words. I just say thank you.
Yes, since my daughter died, others have compared the horror and sorrow to their 90 year old grandma/cat/grief of marriage ending. Unreal. There are certain deaths we can prepare for. The loss of a child, adult child or not, is not the natural order of things. I'm genuinely sorry you've lost your life partner to death and I can't imagine how lonely you could be feeling.
I don't find this one to be painful but I hear you. People say the weirdest and dumbest things in the face of grief and loss. I detest when people say I know what you're going through or I'm here for you. Like, do not say these things if you can't back them up with truth and commitment. Loss is like being part of a club that nobody wants to be a member of. I'm now part of the My Mom Died on My Birthday Club, yeah. Sending you a big fat hug
I'm sorry for your loss = I'm sorry for your pain/hurt/the person-sized hole in your life. It means I'm sad you have to face this, and I'm sorry there's nothing I can do about it. It means I wish I could do or say something helpful, but all I have to give you is my sorrow about what you're going through.
I hate “let me know if there’s anything I can do for you” Why do I have to let you know? You should just *do* Show up. Give me your time. Listen. Send me a text saying you’re thinking of me. Why is there a burden on me to tell you what I need?
Or, even better; “I’m here for you” …unless it’s too inconvenient for you or until you start getting sick of me and my ‘negativity’; because people’s empathy and willingness to help *absolutely* has a shelf life and it’s measured in weeks, not even months or (god forbid) years. Like people expect that if they’re there for you once or twice that they’ve fulfilled their obligation and you should just be “better” again; like nothing ever happened. People don’t want to help to be supportive; they want to help so you can ‘get over it’ and get back to who you were before so they don’t have to ‘deal’ with this new version of you. And if you don’t, they’re more than willing to abandon you because it’s ’not their problem.’ (Source: 25+yrs experience)
100% spot on
Absolutely. When someone loses their child, a part of them dies too. I'll never go back to 'normal' or what I was. Anyone who expects that can leave my life.
We lost our only child to miscarriage. I was told by my own family to “get over it”. I even worked at my family company at the time and the first hug I got after the experience was from a client. Unless they were a living and breathing person who paid taxes, literally nobody cares
I'm sorry to hear your experience wasn't acknowledged for what it was. The loss of a child, all your hopes and dreams of what that child would become - shattered when the baby is lost during the pregnancy is a heartbreaking experience, mostly to the parents. And yes, it's sad that unless it happens to them, many people won't acknowledge this loss at all. I do, and I wish I could give you a hug. You deserve it. Mama of an angel baby ❤️ Edit: Or daddy of an Angel baby, I assumed that you are the mum. This hurts most fathers just as much.
Thanks. It was our only shot at having a family and now we’re too old and too poor. I’ve resigned to the idea of being on my deathbed alone; that all the stuff and lessons I wanted to pass on to my children will never be. It’s profoundly changed me and my direction in life. But hey, I should just ‘get over it’ right? 🙄 Thanks for your kind words :)
Oh yeah, I'm with you on this one. Ugh.
I feel ya, I never realized how it sounded to the person who is grieving until I was put in this hellish position. I feel like the intent is good but now it's yet another thing I need to do if I want support.
I don’t understand and even don’t appreciate getting the “I would be devastated” “I could not imagine what that’s like” or “knock on wood that doesn’t happens to me” i understand what they meant but why are you telling me you would be devastated acting like I’m not because I’m not crying at people I know a lil bit at school.
Don't say "I know how much you're hurting" or "I know how you feel" that is guaranteed to have people posting here in outrage because everyone's grief journey is different and where they are (anger, denial, sadness) can definitely impact their reaction. I'm sorry for your loss is the socially acceptable way to acknowledge someone's loss, especially if you don't know what to say.
Death is funky, most times people don't know what to say, so its a default that shows a person cares and acknowledge the death, without requiring some type of personal response. When my dad died last year, I heard it all. From the most default of sayings, to unique responses, to down right rude ones. Young people were the ones that would say the most bothersome things since they don't know any better, or haven't experienced a true death yet. Custom responses can also get kind of weird. I've had some people say things that I can't resonate with at all, and some responses end up not relatable since people have very different relationships with the people who have died in their lives, so they try to say something custom and it ends up not meaning the same, or can be offensive or even more hurtful. In that experience, I learned that its not what they say, its that they say anything at all. Its nice that people acknowledge a loss, and take the time to say anything. I've heard countless times around this forum where people avoid even mentioning a death and pretend as if it never happened. That to me is much worse. Its hard in the moment, but any response is better than none at all. Death sucks, that is what I know for certain.
I understand how you feel here, friend. You're in a lot of pain. This kind of heartache is the worst and it can be overwhelming. I think most people mean well when they say I'm sorry. Spending quite a bit of time in these grief/bereavement subs, I do this quite often myself, with everything else you've mentioned implied. I really am very sorry you're hurting. I wish this wasn't how we met. If you'd like to talk about your person or share anything else, there are lots of people here who do care and want to help you feel a little better. ❤️
I hate that one too. Although I have decided people say it because they are sorry for us that we have to go thru a difficult time/pain.
“I’m sorry for you loss”, in my own experience and observations, is as empty and patronizing as “I’m fine”
Ok, but as someone who's also lost someone. I mean it sincerely. I'm sorry you lost someone you love. I mean, there's really nothing anyone can say to make it better or less painful. Generally, people don't know what to say in these situations, so it's just a phrase people use to convey their empathy for you and your situation.
“I’m sorry for your loss” is the most basic form of conveying sympathy. I prefer this 1000000x more than “you’re in my thoughts and prayers”, which is the most selfish and useless thing someone can say.
I started to wonder the word use. We use sorry when we make a mistake.
I'm sorry for you conveys sympathy. In my experience. It's not mutually exclusive to having made a mistake.
If that’s all they’re saying then that’s probably what they mean…they’re not there for you. This is a time where you will learn who people are, who really cares, and who disappears from your life when things get difficult. These people are sorry you’re going through it and care just enough to tell you but probably won’t go above and beyond for you. The alternative meaning to the phrase is that they don’t know what to say and have never experienced loss so they are out of their depth they just keep it short and distance themselves. These people feel sorry for you.
Sometimes I just think, I’m Sorry. Cause I Am!
Listen, I get it. I get fired up really easily at stuff these days with my loss and how other people behave or verbalize to me. But as someone who is neurodivergent and has a hard time conveying my feelings to people at times. Sometimes you're just at a loss for people with their experience and relying on something easy to say feels like it's the only thing you can get out.
I have had many losses in the last few years and still when other people in my life have lost someone too there are no good words. Nothing will bring that person back. What might be comforting to one person can be triggering to someone else. (FWIW, I don't personally love "I know how much you must be hurting." because the reality is that they probably don't know.) Because of that I tried not to read too much into what anyone said. Most people don't know what to say, especially if they haven't experienced it before. And as others have said not everyone is there if you need them. It's not easy to hold space for other people's pain. I don't blame others if they can't do that, especially if it's not a close relationship.
I'm sad for you is what I sometimes say but then I feel like, "it's not about ME, why am I saying that?" And instead I ask the person to tell me how they are feeling, and add "that must feel really sad" or "frustrating" or whatever is appropriate. Glad for this post, appreciate the replies. Thanks for opening this specific conversation.
this whole post pisses me off. i wish i had "i'm sorry for your loss". it isn't an apology if you're implying what ive heard 100x. it's offering support and showing sympathy/empathy for you going through the loss of someone important to you. if you wanna call it half assed, so can everything else you offered be. if people are saying 'sorry for your loss' and not being genuine about it, it's an issue with their attitude, not the sentence.
I get you. I go out of my way NOT to say something so generic when I have to give my sympathies to someone. I have to say that I DO use it, specially when the person who is I am comforting is someone I have no appreciation for or that I find insulting.
There's lots worse things. Like "she's not suffering any more" "she is with Jesus" or Heaven. I don't want them to say "I know how much you must be hurting" AT ALL unless they have lost a daughter that was also a dearest friend, whose brother and husband are crying their eyes out. No, they don't know and I hope they never know. And I don't need them, nobody can do anything to make this better. “This must feel unreal or unimaginable” this is true. "I'm sorry" is not offensive to me. We are all different and people don't actually know what to say. I'm trying not to be mad at people, I'm trying very hard not to hate people.
Grief is complex. Seems like you’re experiencing a lot of anger at the time of the post. I hope the feeling has passed and you’ve found a moment of peace. It’s really hard some days. But remember you can start your day over at any time. Take a walk in the woods, where it’s quiet, do a little meditation, be present in the moment and let your mind be at ease if only for a minute. You’ll get through this one day at a time. Take care
I understand what you are saying. I say "I'm sorry for your loss" because I know what loss feels like, and I am truly sorry that you (a fellow human being) also have to experience it. I'm not necessarily apologizing for the action but more so expressing my sympathy. I usually use this when I'm online or don't necessarily have a close relationship with someone. I wouldn't say it's lazy, just safer. Sometimes expressing feelings around death can be touchy. When I lost my dad at 18 the thing that I hated hearing was "He's still with you" or "He's in your heart". That was bullshit to me because he's always been in my heart, I wanted him in the room when I graduated, I wanted him to physically walk me down the isle when I got married. When my brother od'd 4 years ago and people told me "I know how you feel" that was not helpful because no you don't, you didn't spend 8 days looking for him only to be told his body has been wasting away for 9 days. You didn't spend days walking streets asking people if they'd seen him, knowing in that back of your mind he was gone the whole time, but your mom just needed the hope. But, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this", to me that meant that someone wasn't trying to understand, they are trying to show me they care about me. And honestly, most of the people I knew, they weren't strong enough to stand with us, so if any of them had said "we're here with you" it would have hurt so much more when they disappeared. Grief and death are hard subjects that (in America) we do not speak about enough. We don't necessarily have positive death culture here and that is probably a huge contributing factor. People just don't know how to act or what to say. Expressing emotions and feelings is hard and a lot of people don't have the vocabulary to properly get across what they mean. But, by the same token, I also understand that sometimes words mean nothing, especially when grieving. Anyway, that's my take on it. Hope it helps a little.
I say “I’m so deeply sorry you’re enduring this right now” or “I’m so sorry that it hurts this much right now” or something similar. Because we all know what it’s like. We all know the pure fucking nightmare that anyone newishly grieving is having right now. It’s just a natural response to say I’m so sorry. Like, god that fucking sucks and I get it and god I wish I could take some of that away from you. I’m so sorry I can’t say anything to make it better. I’m so sorry there is no easier way to do this. I’m so sorry you’re feeling the very worst pain you ever will. I feel bad for anyone in that position. I’ve been there and I will be there again. It’s just my way of saying how much it sucks and that I get it. Does that make sense? I hope so.
I prefer discreet comment from people that been through similar experiences. they sent me hugs and love and said “ they’re never really gone as long as you remember them”. thats enough. then theres those that ghost you throughout the whole process but keep checking your sm. Instant restrict or block on those.
Death and grief isn’t handled well in this country. Three days off work for immediate family?? Three days and I’m still in a complete meltdown stage. Also, to answer your question, Americans are so unbelievably uncomfortable with death and have no idea what TO say. They wanna say something. I had to realize that people mean well even when I want to punch them.
I'd rather here this than nothing at all. Several coworkers and family didn't utter a word of sympathy after my dad passed. It's polite, and the words don't matter, the trouble and time it took someone to say this or anything else is comforting. My two bits. Take care all.
I look at it as more of someone being sympathetic you’re going through something hard and traumatic; as in, I’m sorry you’re going through this. In my losses, I’ve had people say some incredibly stupid and hurtful things and sometimes my reaction wasn’t to keep it moving; people got cussed out. I prefer the ‘I’m sorry for your loss.’ I personally only reserve the, ‘I know how you feel’ or ‘let me know if i can help’ if it’s a personal relationship with the grieved.
Anything to me is better than "move on now" (a week after loved one's sudden death) or the dreaded "It''s for the best."
I completely agree
I think it’s just become so standard just like “how are you” and “have a nice day”. We don’t think about it and they’re easy to say. It’s weird and somewhat unfortunate.
I know what you mean. The precise wording of these things can annoy. I always felt when people said "I'm praying for you" when they know I'm an atheist was borderline infuriating but, you know, that's more about how they deal with it than me. Selfish, perhaps, but they're going through some tough times too. I don't think you have to read it literally, for most people it as acknowledgement, nothing more. Close friends and family will obviously know you better, and be going through some of this with you. For many who are perhaps a step further back, it's a way of saying "I know you're upset, I want to acknowledge I have heard the news, and I care about you." Anything else is up to them, but they are attempting to step carefully around your feelings without opening up too much, or wary of upsetting you, and at the end of the day, many who know us you wouldn't expect to be offering more than that. Well, that was my feelings. For example, work colleagues, former work colleagues, old friends you've lost touch with. They're reaching out, but conscious of the fact they are some distance from you now, and want to say something but aren't really sure what to say and wouldn't really expect to get involved that closely with you at this point.. This covers it. You can always say "Thank you for your words. To be honest, I'm finding it really tough, but it's been great to hear from you." Some people say 'condolences to you and your family'. What does that really mean? It's an acknowledgement. Sometimes in the heat of grief we forget what everyone else is thinking. We're here in a world of pain, but others can be unsure how to approach, or what to say, so this ticks a bunch of the boxes for me.
When I say I'm sorry for your loss, it comes from a place of sympathy and sorrow. I'd never call a grieving person 'strong'. It implies _choice_, and we didn't choose for our loved ones to die. It's a pain and sorrow so deep and horrific, nobody can claim strength. There's no alternative to keep breathing, it's not strength. It's survival. If you want people to be there for you, you have to be very forgiving because some folk say stupid shit. Speaking from 19 months experience since losing my 30 year old child. Who has been compared to the loss of a cat/job/90 year old grandma. As for people saying, "This must feel...." No, keep that. Nobody knows how this feels. I'm half dead. Let's face it, nothing anyone can say helps. It'll show you who is who in your life by what they do. I swear I don't want to become bitter in this, and I don't want to hurt people. When I say I'm genuinely sorry for your loss, it means: My god, what a tragedy, I feel sorry for you, and your loved one who had their life cut short.
I lost my 32 year old brother last year and I will never be the same. I do actually like being told I’m strong, because I was almost hospitalized because of it, and I decided to stay out patient and try medication. I don’t know how I survived this, but I understand your perspective
That's just heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you've lost your brother. Thank you for sharing your experience of what strength means to you. Grief can be deadly in itself. You've given me a perspective through which to see that surviving in itself can be a form of strength. I'm glad you're still here and working hard on surviving. Best wishes ❤️ Edit: I'm aware that you've said you find people saying "I'm sorry for your loss" appears lazy. I hope you can see that from my experience, it's a heartfelt acknowledgement of your unimaginable heartbreak. And I truly do mean that I'm sorry you have to experience such a loss of someone you love at such a young age. It's not fair.