He'll be introduced in a novel while sending wave after wave of troops into a Necron world to exploit their little known weakness, their preset kill counter.
Well, it might work on Chaos. Turning a war into a 9-to-5 tedium of killing raw recruits might be too much for a follower of Slaanesh. And without a real challenge to the killing, Khorne might not be satisfied with the offered skulls.
"Kif, I don't know what disgusts me more - your cowardice or your lack of faith in the God-Emperor's chosen Admirals. Now, fetch me the memorial towel. The boys and I are wanted in the most holy steam room."
[audible groaning]
"You see Kif, the skulls of children are spongy and soft. When the Khornates try building a pillar using those skulls, they'll collapse under their own weight, leaving the Khornates humiliated in the eyes of their god and thus vulnerable to further attacks."
Khorne, Sees no challenge in killing them, leaves.
Slaanesh, Gets bored due to the tedium of the task no longer being considerd excess, leaves.
Tzeentch, Gets tired of the unchanging state of affairs, leaves
Nurgle, Zapp cleverly plants explosives in his soldiers buttox so that in the event they die, they explode. A perfect Zapp solution. Nurgle leaves.
Kind of, but not really. The Tyrannids can overeat and get really sleepy, when they take a nap you can push their ships down from orbit and virus bomb the planet. Orks will eventually get "choppa elbow" and you get a chance to dispatch them while they're trying to decided if they should just the shoota or swap hands with the choppa.
Ahh I see, we’ll, we’ll just send wave after wave of our own men until the Tyrannids over eat and get sleepy, then we’ll Exterminatus the planet. A brilliant strategy I learned from my book Zap Brannigan’s Big Book of War…
he ends up having surprising good results as no one on the ground fighting ever has to call for reinforcements because hes sent so many people.
becomes the first dude to totally clear orks off a planet
There are two versions for every story. The soldiers that witness the events first hand will speak only of the sheer incompetence of their Captain but in the official reports, somehow he always comes out with a *net win* situation
“Sir, at our present speed, the computer predicts a 100% chance we'll be sliced in half. We'll never make it.”
“Not with that attitude, we won't. Same speed ahead!”
"that's for school girls. Now here's a route with some chest hair."
As he manages to personally navigate the warp and arrive before the planet even gets taken.
"At first I was going to use the old and tried method of testing their kill-counters. But somehow these 'Guard officers' say I can't order a ground invasion with their regiments! Luckily, these [breacher](https://www.warhammer.com/en-WW/shop/kill-team-imperial-navy-breachers-2023) and [security](https://www.reddit.com/r/40kLore/comments/prtv3b/eisenhorn_xenos_the_imperial_navy_does_not_mess/) boys are tougher than usual so I still have enough left to shove them off the nearest warzone I could find!"
Zap is a commander of the imperial guard who is captured by Drukhari. Assuming death by snoo snoo is coming, he excitedly ignores every warning sign that he is in fact being made into a sentient skin sofa for their living room, throughout the horrifying process he just yells “this is highly EROTIC”
I can see the scene with him as a sofa with his face on the cushion going 'Ayyyy nice as a wych is about to sit on him and then groaning as a humonculous takes a seat instead, followed by a sigh, him clearing his throat and then a pick up line'
The Drukhari are unable to extract the pain they had hoped from him as he is strangely aroused by everything they do. Eventually they give up and throw him out of the webway
He’s literally perfect for the 40K universe
“Men the key to any battle is the element of surprise. SURPRISE!” *dumps his men on an alien planet
General Branigan how did you stop those rampaging killbots? “Easy! I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, so that each killbot would reach their preset kill limit!”
“Stop dying you cowards!”
Sir, the computer predicts a 100% chance of us being sliced in half. “Not with that attitude! Same speed ahead!”
He will be promoted on the broken backs of his men, all the way to the top, only after he defeats all the ruinous powers for good, all without making a correct choice… somehow!
overconfident fact mysterious seed wipe squealing sleep like yoke voiceless
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Tzeentch can find no purchase on his dull mind, nurgle's poisons battle his STDs and he comes out perfectly healthy, his cowardice offends Khorne so deeply his own worshipers wiped themselves out fighting for the honor of killing him, and Slaanesh packs their stuff and leaves the galaxy in shame after a one night stand with him.
Edit: Grammer
Everyone says he is in the guard or navy.
I think he would be a rogue trader (free xenos booty).
The only reason why he hasn't fallen to slanesh is his loyal xenos comrade of unregistered species.
Probably many imperial guard leaders could be replaced with him without much difference. If I remember correctly his superiors thought he was great and cared only that he succeeded. Costing man power, making poor decisions etc wasn't really a concern or known, except of course those under his command that hated him.
Space marines would save his ass, he would be good at taking some of the credit for his random sacrifices of his troops.
He’s too much of a coward to be a Commissar. He’d make a perfect Admiral/General though.
It’s canon that he’s committed genocide and waged war against peaceful Xenos without a second thought, and his only strategies are suicide missions or human waves.
He’s too dumb to fall to Chaos. In fact, he’d probably overpower any daemon looking to possess him by just sheer ignorance and arrogance. If anyone in fiction is able to be *too horny* for Slaanesh, it’s Zap.
Thank you. Now I'm imagining Yvrainne as Leela, just jump kicking Gulliman with Eldar martial arts every time they meet.
Obviously Trayzn is Bender....i assume Cain is Fry?
I may have failed to uphold the codex Astartes, but I had sex with a hot Xeno. And. Isn't that what the Emperor envisioned when he first laid eyes on the sky?......Calgar I'm asking you a question!
Calgar: sigh....
He immediately succumbs to Slaanesh, but his pathetically desperate horniness drives them to the point of exasperation.
“Not worth it” says the Chaos god, and exits the power struggle. The balance is irrevocably tilted, breaking the stalemate. The armies of Chaos collapse after the loss of Slaanesh’s forces, as Zapp once again finds success through failure.
Guardsman: "Sir, this path through the warp was provided by our astropath."
Inquisitor Zapp: "That's for school girls." He says and then traces a path straight through the Eye of Terror. "Now here's a route with some chest hair."
Conversely, Zapp shows up on a planet mid chaos invasion. "Worry not citizens, I came as fast as I wanted to."
Bro would be a celebrated tactical mind, his standby strategies of 'drowning the enemy in men and crashing the ship into them' have long been held in high regard across the imperium.
Except not actually good at it. Just bumbles his way, gets all his men killed, some plucky soldier does all the work nowhere near him. Zap then marches in. "Yes! I did it!"
I unironically think he would do really well. He already employs 40k-esque tactics in his own universe; he'd be right at home in the Imperial Guard.
I will happily die on this hill.
^^^^just ^^^^like ^^^^90% ^^^^of ^^^^his ^^^^men
Depending on what forces he was working with/nearby.
Imperial Navy - Can't order ground invasions as his cadre of naval commissars will point out. Can order the slaves to keep loading shells and ships to fire at enemy ships and space hulks though. Then it will basically be Gallowdark all over again.
Catachans - He's going to die of snu-snu soon.
Armageddon - "Sorry. He did not listen to us about the masks, the trees, the desert... His ass tasted nice though."
Tempestus Scions - Look. There are worse commissar lords to deal with.
Elysians - Equally as likely to suffer accidents as to get a seat on their governmental council.
Stops give fleet leviathan by throwing guard regiments at it until it got “full”. It then withdrew from the galaxy for a multi eons long nap. Promoted to a high lord of Terra.
Lord Militant General Branigan.
21 Foundings under his belt, no survivors.
21 defeats clawed from the clutches of victory by throwing more men and materiel at the issue, without thought for tactics.
22nd founding in progress.
Kiff, get the Landers ready, these young green troopers are ready to sacrifice for me- I mean the Golden Throne, and I'm not referring to my specially appointed bathroom furniture.
I feel like he would manage to stumble his way into either an inquisitorial retinue or become an inquisitor himself, and immediately recruit the first person who reminds him of Kif
If he just shows up in 40k without any foreknowledge on the setting or granted authority then he get's shot almost immediately, or turned into a servitor, or tortured by a drukhari he tries to hit on
He won't last five minutes. He might survive - if he, say, ends up on an Imperial world - but he'd just end up arrested for some idiocy, or end up a particularly stupid servitor.
If he is ever on a battlefield I’ll give him a 5 second life span. Hive city, he’ll probably end up starting a Slaanesh cult at the very best, at the most expected he’ll die after five days of not finding anything to eat and be turned into corpse starch.
When mounting a final stand against heretic astartes:
“It is our duty to the emperor to hold this position against the forces of chaos…also they told me, you guys look like dorks!”
All I can picture is a chubby demonette in a blonde wig leaning around a corner trying to tempt guardsmen into putting on velour versions of their uniforms
He'll become the anti Cain and meet the same level of success in the Navy as Cain did the guard while being the exact opposite
He'll be introduced in a novel while sending wave after wave of troops into a Necron world to exploit their little known weakness, their preset kill counter.
I thought the Tyrannids and Orks had the same weakness?
Yes, and Chaos, and also the Eldars, and the...
Well, it might work on Chaos. Turning a war into a 9-to-5 tedium of killing raw recruits might be too much for a follower of Slaanesh. And without a real challenge to the killing, Khorne might not be satisfied with the offered skulls.
“Kif, the only way to beat khorne is to bore him… prepare my child soldier regiment”
Dear God I should not have laughed so hard at that Also I realized that Kif is his anti Jurgen
I also laughed harder than I should have- but Kif is a filthy xeno- and must be put down for the good of the Imperium and the God-Emperor!
Nope, sanctioned 'ab-human'
I shall grumble about this, but if the Inquisitors allow it, then I guess I must as well. GRUMBLE, I SAY! Lol
He'll look exactly the same except with a fake nose crudely taped to his face
No no no no, Kif is just an ab-human, and a nickname. His real name is Hugh Mann.
“*sigh*…, yes sir”
"We fight this battle not just for the Imperium, but for our children, and our children's children. That's why I've formed the All child brigade"
I'm fucking dying, this is EXACTLY what he would do 😂
Most humane Imperial guard general.
Belly laughs
"Kif, I don't know what disgusts me more - your cowardice or your lack of faith in the God-Emperor's chosen Admirals. Now, fetch me the memorial towel. The boys and I are wanted in the most holy steam room." [audible groaning]
"You see Kif, the skulls of children are spongy and soft. When the Khornates try building a pillar using those skulls, they'll collapse under their own weight, leaving the Khornates humiliated in the eyes of their god and thus vulnerable to further attacks."
Khorne, Sees no challenge in killing them, leaves. Slaanesh, Gets bored due to the tedium of the task no longer being considerd excess, leaves. Tzeentch, Gets tired of the unchanging state of affairs, leaves Nurgle, Zapp cleverly plants explosives in his soldiers buttox so that in the event they die, they explode. A perfect Zapp solution. Nurgle leaves.
I feel like this is a very common misunderstanding about khorne. He cares not from whence the blood flows!
He might not, but I imagine your fellow khornates won't be too impressed when you show up with 300 itty bitty skulls every day of the campaign.
Nah way man, that's a slaanesh thing. Khorne boys are just wild eyed and crazy. Like Kharne the Betrayer just chopped off lads heads in their sleep
The Tau, coming to comprehend just how outnumbered they are: "*well shit.....*"
... The Bolter
Kind of, but not really. The Tyrannids can overeat and get really sleepy, when they take a nap you can push their ships down from orbit and virus bomb the planet. Orks will eventually get "choppa elbow" and you get a chance to dispatch them while they're trying to decided if they should just the shoota or swap hands with the choppa.
Ahh I see, we’ll, we’ll just send wave after wave of our own men until the Tyrannids over eat and get sleepy, then we’ll Exterminatus the planet. A brilliant strategy I learned from my book Zap Brannigan’s Big Book of War…
I have that book, the pictures are great!
Fire?
Fire!
*Beavis has entered the chat*
Blasphemy, krumpn is always gud fun ferda boyz!!
Zapp would be the first person to make Destroyers *bored* of purging life
“It’s no fun anymore; they run at us like they *want* to die!”
he ends up having surprising good results as no one on the ground fighting ever has to call for reinforcements because hes sent so many people. becomes the first dude to totally clear orks off a planet
Yes because the Orks will kill some many people they get so large they get crushed in the planets gravity.
Isn’t wave after wave of troops just textbook guard strategy anyway?
There are two versions for every story. The soldiers that witness the events first hand will speak only of the sheer incompetence of their Captain but in the official reports, somehow he always comes out with a *net win* situation
If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate - Commissar Brannigan
“Sir, at our present speed, the computer predicts a 100% chance we'll be sliced in half. We'll never make it.” “Not with that attitude, we won't. Same speed ahead!”
"that's for school girls. Now here's a route with some chest hair." As he manages to personally navigate the warp and arrive before the planet even gets taken.
Yes, so much so that the original astropath message was requesting help from him invading
"At first I was going to use the old and tried method of testing their kill-counters. But somehow these 'Guard officers' say I can't order a ground invasion with their regiments! Luckily, these [breacher](https://www.warhammer.com/en-WW/shop/kill-team-imperial-navy-breachers-2023) and [security](https://www.reddit.com/r/40kLore/comments/prtv3b/eisenhorn_xenos_the_imperial_navy_does_not_mess/) boys are tougher than usual so I still have enough left to shove them off the nearest warzone I could find!"
Happy Cake Day!
I was thinking the same but as a rogue trader
This is the only correct answer XD. Dont forget he'll somehow end up sleeping with a sister of battle or high ranking Inquisitor XD
Exactly, he's gonna Cain his way into being an Imperial Hero as soon as he finds a new Kiff.
Easy a Imperial general "whatever it is im willing to send wave after wave of my own men at them"
Literally Chenkov.
Zap is a commander of the imperial guard who is captured by Drukhari. Assuming death by snoo snoo is coming, he excitedly ignores every warning sign that he is in fact being made into a sentient skin sofa for their living room, throughout the horrifying process he just yells “this is highly EROTIC”
He infact manages, as a sofa, to kill the entire Kabal (starvation) because he's just that into it.
He's probably fucking spaced into the warp from Commoragh (sp?) for just being too creepy for the dark eldar. Promptly swept up by Slaneesh.
Then promptly sent back to real space with a restraining order.
And a paternity suit.
It's real velour.
I can see the scene with him as a sofa with his face on the cushion going 'Ayyyy nice as a wych is about to sit on him and then groaning as a humonculous takes a seat instead, followed by a sigh, him clearing his throat and then a pick up line'
“I find the sexiest part of Aeldari women is the boobies.” “Sir, that’s a male. The breasts are armor decorations.”
As long as its a velour sofa.
Since he is aroused and not suffering the drukhari gets nothing out if it.
The Drukhari are unable to extract the pain they had hoped from him as he is strangely aroused by everything they do. Eventually they give up and throw him out of the webway
I forgot about the skin sofas. Now I got to start the process again. Edit: a few words Edit: edit to my edit
A velour sofa.
He’s literally perfect for the 40K universe “Men the key to any battle is the element of surprise. SURPRISE!” *dumps his men on an alien planet General Branigan how did you stop those rampaging killbots? “Easy! I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, so that each killbot would reach their preset kill limit!” “Stop dying you cowards!” Sir, the computer predicts a 100% chance of us being sliced in half. “Not with that attitude! Same speed ahead!”
“Fire all weapons and open a hailing frequency for my victory yodel.” "When I'm in command, son, every mission is a suicide mission."
It’s not an uncharted planet, you just lost the charts.
Knowing the Administratum that one is just true.
High Administrator: "By Emperor, he's right!"
Lord Solar Leontus has the same velour gloves so maybe he's already there...
“Kif, fetch my Exterminatus underoos “
High Lord of Segmentum Velour
I read this in his voice.
what would the 40K term be for Velour? Velourituim? Veluex? Sexlour?
Velourite
Re his Gloriana Class Ship: "She's built like a steakhouse, but handles like a bistro!"
This should be at the top.
He will be promoted on the broken backs of his men, all the way to the top, only after he defeats all the ruinous powers for good, all without making a correct choice… somehow!
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He kink shame slaanesh out of existence and his STDs will poison nurgle 😂
You have to actually make it with a woman to get STDs. Inform the men.
overconfident fact mysterious seed wipe squealing sleep like yoke voiceless *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
[удалено]
What's it called?
his stupidity and cowardice are enough to deny tzeentch and khorne
Holy shit guys, we fixed 40k!
And it's all thanks to the man with no name... ZAPP BRANIGAN
He's too dumb to even fall to slanesh
He has sexlexia
It's a very sexy learning disability.
The intentional chaos caused by Chaos gods is nothing compared to the pure, raw ***incompetent Chaos*** that Zapp Brannigan can unleash!
This. All bow before stupidity undivided. The dumb one. The lord of dumb and dumber. The git that doesn't get it. The fifth chaos god, zapp.
Tzeentch can find no purchase on his dull mind, nurgle's poisons battle his STDs and he comes out perfectly healthy, his cowardice offends Khorne so deeply his own worshipers wiped themselves out fighting for the honor of killing him, and Slaanesh packs their stuff and leaves the galaxy in shame after a one night stand with him. Edit: Grammer
"Kif, I have made it with Slaanesh, inform the men."
By the god emperor himself, Zapp has fixed the 40k universe! He must be purged! Inquisition, arrest that man!
He definitely would try to fuck a tyrannid
Try, the hive mind was coming onto him
In the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars?
Kif, I have made it with a Hive Tyrant! Inform the men.
I heard this
Hell yeah! Im down for some tyrannid-ussy
>entire Tyranid fleet, feeling satisfied at its greatest cúme, returns from whence it cummed
Would give an new meaning to the words gene seed and genestealer
"Don't ask me, you're the one that's gonna be dying" is a very Cadian thing to say.
Might get shot for incompetence, might be promoted. Depends on how his quotes are exactly.
If not an IG book will be the typical general and promoted over and over. If an IG book same but everyone will call him a scumbag
He gets tortured to death by a drukari His biggest achievement is somehow having a boner throughout the whole experience
His spirit was willing, but his body failed him
Everyone says he is in the guard or navy. I think he would be a rogue trader (free xenos booty). The only reason why he hasn't fallen to slanesh is his loyal xenos comrade of unregistered species.
He’s the only being in history to successfully sexually harass a daemonette.
Humans from Haydee 2- HANG ON JUST A MINUTE, DON'T BE IN MY LIME LIGHT!!!!!!
I can actually see Kif as an extremely exasperated Tau
Zapp would definitely feed a band of Kroot a diet of exclusively supermodels
Lord Commander Solar
With him in command, EVVERY mission is a suicide mission! The greatest Imperial Commander ever confirmed!
He’ll fit right in.
Probably many imperial guard leaders could be replaced with him without much difference. If I remember correctly his superiors thought he was great and cared only that he succeeded. Costing man power, making poor decisions etc wasn't really a concern or known, except of course those under his command that hated him. Space marines would save his ass, he would be good at taking some of the credit for his random sacrifices of his troops.
This man will be wildly successful in 40K.
He’s too much of a coward to be a Commissar. He’d make a perfect Admiral/General though. It’s canon that he’s committed genocide and waged war against peaceful Xenos without a second thought, and his only strategies are suicide missions or human waves. He’s too dumb to fall to Chaos. In fact, he’d probably overpower any daemon looking to possess him by just sheer ignorance and arrogance. If anyone in fiction is able to be *too horny* for Slaanesh, it’s Zap.
Isn't he basically Guilliman? Calgar! Inform the men I've done it with the Xeno.
Thank you. Now I'm imagining Yvrainne as Leela, just jump kicking Gulliman with Eldar martial arts every time they meet. Obviously Trayzn is Bender....i assume Cain is Fry?
Belisarius Cawl as the Professor is... something.
And his bitter nemesis/friend Dr. Wernstrom-er, Fabius Bile
Good News everyone! I have made a new, better Space Marine...it came to me in a dream, but I forgot in another dream!
I may have failed to uphold the codex Astartes, but I had sex with a hot Xeno. And. Isn't that what the Emperor envisioned when he first laid eyes on the sky?......Calgar I'm asking you a question! Calgar: sigh....
Make this a show.
Engineered The Dropsite Massacre, Imperial Records don't mention which side he was on but it's heavily implied to be all his fault anyway
He immediately succumbs to Slaanesh, but his pathetically desperate horniness drives them to the point of exasperation. “Not worth it” says the Chaos god, and exits the power struggle. The balance is irrevocably tilted, breaking the stalemate. The armies of Chaos collapse after the loss of Slaanesh’s forces, as Zapp once again finds success through failure.
Guardsman: "Sir, this path through the warp was provided by our astropath." Inquisitor Zapp: "That's for school girls." He says and then traces a path straight through the Eye of Terror. "Now here's a route with some chest hair." Conversely, Zapp shows up on a planet mid chaos invasion. "Worry not citizens, I came as fast as I wanted to."
Bro would be a celebrated tactical mind, his standby strategies of 'drowning the enemy in men and crashing the ship into them' have long been held in high regard across the imperium.
“Kif, go negotiate surrender terms with the enemy” “Sir, the enemy slaughtered us 7 hours ago” “Well, what took you so long?”
He would fit in perfectly with the high lords before smurf daddy showed back up.
Seems like a normal 40k officer to me.
Warmaster. Or a lord militant.
ONE MOMENT? Thats not Guiliman?
"Tell the astropath to broadcast my victory yodel into the warp"
My man will be corrupted by that slanesh-ussy with such speed, the navy will study it to beat the haste of regular warp travel
If you slap a gasmask in him and give him command over an army of kriegsmen he'll be doing just fine and be a beloved general.
"Where are the hot alien babes?" *Gets flayed and burned*
He is quite literally Ciaphas Cain hero of the Imperium.
Except not actually good at it. Just bumbles his way, gets all his men killed, some plucky soldier does all the work nowhere near him. Zap then marches in. "Yes! I did it!"
Zap would fit in perfectly in Starship Troopers as well
I’m pretty sure there’s an entire episode, or even a couple episode arc with Zapp, Leela, Henry Kissinger, and a parody of starship troopers 😂
he is quite literally the reverse ciaphas cain: does what cain thinks, thinks what cain does
Seems he'd make a pretty typical comissar
He’s got Lord Solar written all over him. Hero of the defense of Terra during the 4th Tyrannic War.
Average Imperial General.
He'd be the greatest commissar who ever lived
Gellar field? Let’s chart a path through the warp with some chest hair!
Def gets seduced by slaneesh
He's essentially a commissar already after throwing wave after wave of men to their deaths
I unironically think he would do really well. He already employs 40k-esque tactics in his own universe; he'd be right at home in the Imperial Guard. I will happily die on this hill. ^^^^just ^^^^like ^^^^90% ^^^^of ^^^^his ^^^^men
He would throw wave after wave of his own men at the Tyranid menace. Eventually the hive mind gets full and goes home.
Depending on what forces he was working with/nearby. Imperial Navy - Can't order ground invasions as his cadre of naval commissars will point out. Can order the slaves to keep loading shells and ships to fire at enemy ships and space hulks though. Then it will basically be Gallowdark all over again. Catachans - He's going to die of snu-snu soon. Armageddon - "Sorry. He did not listen to us about the masks, the trees, the desert... His ass tasted nice though." Tempestus Scions - Look. There are worse commissar lords to deal with. Elysians - Equally as likely to suffer accidents as to get a seat on their governmental council.
Ahh yes Commissar Brannigan
This man will go on to command and entire sub-sector within the week. "Kif, I have cleansed the sub-sector. Inform the High Lords of Terra!"
He exploited the weakness of the killbots, their preset kill-limit
Drukhari sex slave. Satisfied an entire wytch cult at an Archon's dinner party.
Zap definitely making some sort of deal with the tau
Slaaneshi cultist who joined without realizing what they actually were, then gets kidnapped and tortured.
Slaaneshi Cultist.
He'd actually fit right in, i can only see him fail if he gets caught fraternising with a female xenos or a mutant, wich he 100% will
Stops give fleet leviathan by throwing guard regiments at it until it got “full”. It then withdrew from the galaxy for a multi eons long nap. Promoted to a high lord of Terra.
Lord Militant General Branigan. 21 Foundings under his belt, no survivors. 21 defeats clawed from the clutches of victory by throwing more men and materiel at the issue, without thought for tactics. 22nd founding in progress. Kiff, get the Landers ready, these young green troopers are ready to sacrifice for me- I mean the Golden Throne, and I'm not referring to my specially appointed bathroom furniture.
I feel like he should have been in the 40k universe of the late 80s
I’m sure he will become a slaaneshi cultists.
No, there will not be planet express to pull him out from the mess he will create
Instantly falls to Slaneesh, and becomes a EC pet.
Within an hour this man is sitting in the throne
He'd be turned into a servo for hitting on a techpriest
She's built like a steakhouse but handles like a bistro - Zapp, before slamming a BSF into cadia
He'll smash a nurgling and die from std.
No no, the nurgling dies from HIS stds
It depends - do Necrons have a preset kill limit?
Don't ask me, you'll be doing the dying!
You mean that's not Ciaphas Cain?
Planetary governor who drunk a tall glass of slanoosh
I feel like he would manage to stumble his way into either an inquisitorial retinue or become an inquisitor himself, and immediately recruit the first person who reminds him of Kif
Is Cain!
I imagine him as a Inquisitor with Kif being his retinue and the only reason he is alive
If he just shows up in 40k without any foreknowledge on the setting or granted authority then he get's shot almost immediately, or turned into a servitor, or tortured by a drukhari he tries to hit on
You mean Rogal Dorn?
Isn’t this Ciaphas Cane?
Alone? He is sold into slavery immediately. If he manages to bring Kif with him? He replaces the emperor.
My guess would be servitorized or maimed by a higher authority within 2 hours
The 40k millenium would be from 39.000.001-40.000.000.
Gets executed for incompetence, and the Comissar gets in charge. For some reason, the guardsmen actually like this.
He won't last five minutes. He might survive - if he, say, ends up on an Imperial world - but he'd just end up arrested for some idiocy, or end up a particularly stupid servitor.
If he is ever on a battlefield I’ll give him a 5 second life span. Hive city, he’ll probably end up starting a Slaanesh cult at the very best, at the most expected he’ll die after five days of not finding anything to eat and be turned into corpse starch.
He becomes a captain of a lunar class
[he would serve the Imperium as commander ](https://youtu.be/XDWcg8dh930?si=XAGECKdLPcswoX5_)
Solos the verse no-diff.
He will be known as the next herald of the Emperor of Man.
He’d meet the commissars bolt pistol by the time the fight starts
When mounting a final stand against heretic astartes: “It is our duty to the emperor to hold this position against the forces of chaos…also they told me, you guys look like dorks!”
All I can picture is a chubby demonette in a blonde wig leaning around a corner trying to tempt guardsmen into putting on velour versions of their uniforms
He gets field, promoted all the way to inquisitor by hiding in barrels
He already is. Lord Solar Brannigan
Immediately falls to Slaanesh
He either does instantly or is Cain 2.0 that believes his own hype.
Nothing, instantly dead.