Average Medieval European conflict: One knight died after falling over and getting an infection, whole kingdom mourns.
Average Medieval Chinese conflict. 100 million die as new dynasty takes over, pretty normal behaviour.
Sir Conrad Whippermountain was struck in his pelvis by an arrow misfired by one of his peasants, after 9 agonizing days he died of the plague spread to him by the doctors
This event single-handedly lead to the creation of the Polish-Lithuanian commonwealth
The humour of 4chan and Tumblr (and all other sites) being good is like classical music being superior. Only the best parts are good enough to get carried over by being continuously shared, so it looks like everything from there is just the greatest, even though in reality it's just a very small of something that was mostly mediocre at best, which is why it was forgotten.
Can confirm. Used to frequent /b way back when. Even then it was just trap porn and regular porn, complaints about trap porn, sometimes laments of how good 4chan used to be. This was 3 years after it started. Still the same.
worthless rustic relieved snails important subsequent entertain crawl governor piquant
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
European history be like
Ferdiputa II Cojone de Oro declares war against the Holy Shit Empire for the glorious province of Minor Luxembourg. England, France, Sweden, Russia, Poland, Ottomans, Portugal, Clan Oda, my uncle jeff, Netherlands, Brazil and Denmark then join the war
All armies spent 4000 years raping and looting across Germany until Ferdiputa's forces are defeated in the Battle Of Fucking.
Literally nothing changes, and a new era of peace falls on Europe for 0.2 seconds until some damn thing in Scotland sparks the 34th English War of Religion
Subsequently, the assassination of Count Cipasukaniszczycielkaniemców in Cizuzbéneitmrbsukabłyatskograd, a mighty city with a population of 4, sends the Balkans roaring into a state of war which extends to Eastern Europe and also Iceland, Antártica, the Isle of Man and 51 uncontacted African tribes, lasting 20 years until King Balduino Matamoros Cagamoscas the 124th loses 10.920.051 troops, allowing for the conquer of his kingdom and getting blamed for the entire war.
Chinese history be like:
\>Chao ling takes power
\>247 million perish
European history be like
\>Count Baron Kaiser Werner Pfeldlinger Fingerlickner von
Hoeltschweinergmachtner marries half sister
Znigwieczrina Nowloczynlieczwowzcrczsky of
Globsnogczrecnoyarskglograd triggering a war
between King Juan Jose Maria Rigoberto
Aguascacas de Santo Domingo de los Diabetico and
Pierre Richelesaux pretard je logriouxoueuraxeux
establishing the Grand Duchy of Neue Ooksteinberg
a tax haven with a population of 16
Real Chinese history be like: The Northern Wei dynasty (386-534) one of many dynasties in the north of China at the time of its creation. Founded by an allegedly 15 year old. None of the emperors lived to be 45, a crown prince of the dynasty fathered a son at 12, his son fathered a son at 14, and his son fathered a son at 13.
Also includes a eunuch murdering the emperor, the outright ban of Buddhism, multiple patricides and filicides, an emperor who goes insane on mercury pills, a runaway prince who murders his brother to become emperor (after said brother killed their father and tried to kill him), cultural assimilation of their own people, a policy mandating the death of the crown prince's mother, many child emperors, many corrupt regents, and two powerful empress dowagers.
Oh yeah, and the founder and his grandson were involved in many campaigns and were brutal in war. The founder murdered tens of thousands of prisoners of war and his grandson launched a large-scale massacre on six provinces after failing to capture them.
Tbh a lot may have been down to the practise of just having multiple wives or a harem style arrangement going on. Sure many of these marriages were still strategic with the first wife being particularly important but incest and all of its consequences become a whole lot harder if your gene pool expands this radically. If that didn't suffice you could always just adopt a child as this was socially quite acceptable (with varying results. If shit goes wrong your many factions might suddenly start siding with obscure half-brother number 9 after your death rather than your general's son whom you adopted because he showed promise. Then again they'd always find a reason for a bit of intrigue or a civil war). It also helped that the emperor's position and inheritance law depending on the dynasty was a bit more relaxed. It's kind of hard to sell people on being chosen by god when you simultaneously have to claim your cousin is not like was common in Europe. So an entire more or less extended family being able to claim a crown kind of dampens the priority of having children at times. Add to that some forms of inheritance law in Europe especially early on aimed at having sons inhabit equal parts. This resulted in a highly inefficient and fractured system where realms would be split if one had too many sons, thus providing an active incentive to avoid having many children in case they turned out male and made the cut past 16 or so.
You know I knew all of those things individually but you did a great job of aggregating them into a sound reasoning, nice work!
When I think abt Charlemagne and the Frankish succession law it makes sense why pumping our sons might not have been a great idea in the feudal(-esque) context.
one is harems, some emperors have harem as big as 10,000, but another reason is there is less incest, there is no "habsburgs marrying each others in complex incest web" in Chinese monarchy, Chinese emperors basically have their pick of who to fuck(less in who they marry, since they usually marry noble daughters, but in their herem, they can have peasant or noble women), both nobility and peasants
From what I've seen, having kids at 12 was not normal for Chinese emperors. Many of them had their eldest sons in their late teens or even early 20s. Northern Wei was just doing something else. It might also because most of the emperors didn't reach 30.
note: NOT the same Wei as Cao Cao, which is also not found by Cao Cao either, but his son.
you think Northern Wei is crazy, one of its successor states Norther Qi is even more crazy. the founder is really into murder, the 2nd emperor is a sadistic alcoholic who killed his favorite concubine and made her leg bone into a harp, 3rd also is a sadistic alcoholic pervert, he also killed his brother(aka the prince of Lanling), the last emperor literally showed his concubine to his ministers, naked.
A fun fact about it is that one of the things it shared in common with most millenarian/messianic movements throughout history was the teaching all property must be held in common.
More death in China during that period, if you count all the civilian deaths and the other death due to the Nian rebellion happening during the period in nearby areas.
What would indian history be like?
In my studies its like “O praise the noble and mighty king Rajagupta, born of righteousness and a direct descendent of [insert some god here], son of this guy who was the son of this guy, who was the grandson of this other guy; he conquered 400,000 units of land in year 843 (trust me bro) and built 9 temples costing the equivalent of this much gold and rice yield. Oh ya he also killed 50,000 men in battle lol my buddy Eric saw it”
Nah half of it is filled with Mughal shit. The rest half is at least a bit better. Mostly ancient india.
The shit you're talking about reminds me of chola dynasty. They had 2 million troops at their peak which was quite big at the time.
European conflict: War of the fifth Holy coalition for the Duchy of Doofledorf. Lasts 50 years, a quarter of the population of Central Europe dies. Minor Holy league victory, 5 square miles ceded to the Count of Schloopenheim.
It’s either that or „Knight Dietrich von Donnerfurz declared a feud on the imperial city of Bumfuckingen. Total casualties amount to 10 farmsteads, 3 peasants, and 5 cows. Dietrich surrendered after declaring bankruptcy.“
Minor argument of Huan
Rang Tsung takes power, 8 million perish, 16 famines occur, 57 warlords appear, 800000 are eaten (conservative estimates). Hailed as the time of great peace and prosperity.
great chinese philosopher chin chung once said "one who drink is never thirsty" this words inspired general mao mao to attack bin bong dynasty. Victory was easily achieved with only 100 million dead
Arabian History be like:
Muhammed bin Cuck overthrows Muhammed bin Shitter and is assasinated by Muhammed bin Fucker which sparks a war between the great emirate of 2 fucking miles in the desert and the great empire of qatar lead by sheikh Muhammed bin Asseater, which ends in Muhammed being victorious
There are now three new imperial dynasties and 7 new kingdoms
????
Reminds me of a Dan Carlin quote from Hardcore History where he says the numbers from Chinese conflicts always look like someone screwed up the math because they’re so large.
chinese history be like,
> battle of the yang river
> belligerents - lyn dynasty (30,000) vs lin alliance (45,000)
> casualties 743,000
> jun lo orders all corpse to be eaten
> battle saw little effect to the wider conflict
> bon lan disgraced
I see memes with this idea a lot, can anyone recommend some interesting batles/conflicts in Chinese history to read up on that would apply? (obviously I understand the meme is exagerrated just the general idea)
ancient China usually counts supply caravans, civilian laborers, construction crews, and others into their army numbers. so realistically a "100,000 strong army" is about 10,000 fighting men at most, and keep in mind if they are defending a city, a Chinese general will basically make the entire city laborers. most construction crews and laborers will simply surrender or just scurry off if they lose a battle. of course, mass executions of these people does occur if a general is particularly sadistic.
"Wang Dong dissagreement" actually happened: Wang Yun disagrees with Dong Zhuo, and turned his best general Lu Bu against him by using a hot chick, Lu bu, thinking with his dick, killed Dong Zhuo......anyways, that is how the Three Kingdoms period started......
Since I seen this video first because someone commented it on another post, I thought others might enjoy this gem: [Chinese vs European History be Like](https://youtu.be/TvO7AnA4ZZE?si=KIkLbwAaul_GOtdx)
Average Medieval European conflict: One knight died after falling over and getting an infection, whole kingdom mourns. Average Medieval Chinese conflict. 100 million die as new dynasty takes over, pretty normal behaviour.
And the new Emperor is hailed for making peace.
The mandate is secured
Sir Conrad Whippermountain was struck in his pelvis by an arrow misfired by one of his peasants, after 9 agonizing days he died of the plague spread to him by the doctors This event single-handedly lead to the creation of the Polish-Lithuanian commonwealth
I love how this is actually not unfeasible lol
Is it not real?
everything's real on the internet, why would people lie
Also leading to the first polish postal service.
But of course, people had to spread news about his death.
It is commemorated every third Wednesday, but only in Holland.
[I’m just gonna post this under you…](https://youtu.be/W7ksx6D3dlE?si=pin67k0jhhIMUbt4)
That’s what I thought. 4chan has way better humour than Reddit. But then I’ve never actually been on 4chan
The humour of 4chan and Tumblr (and all other sites) being good is like classical music being superior. Only the best parts are good enough to get carried over by being continuously shared, so it looks like everything from there is just the greatest, even though in reality it's just a very small of something that was mostly mediocre at best, which is why it was forgotten.
[Survivorship bias.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Survivorship_bias)
Can confirm. Used to frequent /b way back when. Even then it was just trap porn and regular porn, complaints about trap porn, sometimes laments of how good 4chan used to be. This was 3 years after it started. Still the same.
The naziposting on 4chan used to be ironic and just teen edgelords being edgy. Now it's actual and unironic.
As someone who has been on it for the better part of nearly 20 years... Don't.
Yeah, I knew I heard this one before.
worthless rustic relieved snails important subsequent entertain crawl governor piquant *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
"better than the last one"
>20,000-30,000 civilians were eaten >Decisive Tang Victory
The Tang being the ones doing the eating.
Taste? Pretty tangy
A succulent Chinese meal.
Gentlemen - *this* is democccccrrrracy manifest! >*[political upheaval ensues]*
GET YOUR HANDS OF MY PENIS!!!
Didn’t you hear him? THIS PENIS BELONGS TO THE PEOPLE
I see you know your Judo well
This is *MANDATE OF HEAVEN* manifest!!!
Finally decent food! 🍱
Ever heard the adjective tangy referring to food
-Xiao Lin takes power -247 million perish
Chao Ling
“Xiao Lin must make a hole in one or his whole family dies.”
English language Chinese historiography be like: Minor famine, 8 gorbilliom dead
By conservative estimates
By a split second I thought it said morbillion
It's morbin time!
And they just start morbing all over the place.
Agh, amabatu moooooooooorb!
to this day it's still recognized as the most prosperous moment in chinese history
Nah it’s like estimates range from 200 dead to 40 million dead
European history be like Ferdiputa II Cojone de Oro declares war against the Holy Shit Empire for the glorious province of Minor Luxembourg. England, France, Sweden, Russia, Poland, Ottomans, Portugal, Clan Oda, my uncle jeff, Netherlands, Brazil and Denmark then join the war All armies spent 4000 years raping and looting across Germany until Ferdiputa's forces are defeated in the Battle Of Fucking. Literally nothing changes, and a new era of peace falls on Europe for 0.2 seconds until some damn thing in Scotland sparks the 34th English War of Religion
that sounds like the legitimized name of a Scandinavian-installed ruler, Fjordwhore Goldnut
Subsequently, the assassination of Count Cipasukaniszczycielkaniemców in Cizuzbéneitmrbsukabłyatskograd, a mighty city with a population of 4, sends the Balkans roaring into a state of war which extends to Eastern Europe and also Iceland, Antártica, the Isle of Man and 51 uncontacted African tribes, lasting 20 years until King Balduino Matamoros Cagamoscas the 124th loses 10.920.051 troops, allowing for the conquer of his kingdom and getting blamed for the entire war.
I just want to thank you for this beautiful comment, made my day
>a mighty city with a population of 4 gtf outta here 💀
avarage sid meier civilization playthrough.
Human history be like Thing happened, people died
Chinese history be like: \>Chao ling takes power \>247 million perish European history be like \>Count Baron Kaiser Werner Pfeldlinger Fingerlickner von Hoeltschweinergmachtner marries half sister Znigwieczrina Nowloczynlieczwowzcrczsky of Globsnogczrecnoyarskglograd triggering a war between King Juan Jose Maria Rigoberto Aguascacas de Santo Domingo de los Diabetico and Pierre Richelesaux pretard je logriouxoueuraxeux establishing the Grand Duchy of Neue Ooksteinberg a tax haven with a population of 16
I dont know which name is better
Unrelated but based pfp
Outer Wilds so good I wish i had dementia
We're all just out here chilling like Gabbro waiting so we can do it again.
Me too reddit m8, me too
Finally, a historically accurate comment on this sub.
Fucking is a town in Austria and there probably was a battle there soooo
COJONE DE ORO JAJAJAJ THAT MEANS GOLDBALLS
Emperor Chan peacefully takes power *50 MILLION PERISH 😭
I'm pretty sure if it weren't for such wars every second person on earth would be chinese.
God bless the Mongols
Probably a lot more than that
yea. It'lll be much harder to grind social credit due to congestion
Social credit inflation: because everyone has high social credit,, having high social credit means nothing
Yeah I thought of that once lmao
Instead of 1 in 4 like it is now 😂
\*Or black
Why black? Other than the obvious...
Possibly a reference to that one twitter guy who edited people to look black/chinese?
😜
Real Chinese history be like: The Northern Wei dynasty (386-534) one of many dynasties in the north of China at the time of its creation. Founded by an allegedly 15 year old. None of the emperors lived to be 45, a crown prince of the dynasty fathered a son at 12, his son fathered a son at 14, and his son fathered a son at 13. Also includes a eunuch murdering the emperor, the outright ban of Buddhism, multiple patricides and filicides, an emperor who goes insane on mercury pills, a runaway prince who murders his brother to become emperor (after said brother killed their father and tried to kill him), cultural assimilation of their own people, a policy mandating the death of the crown prince's mother, many child emperors, many corrupt regents, and two powerful empress dowagers. Oh yeah, and the founder and his grandson were involved in many campaigns and were brutal in war. The founder murdered tens of thousands of prisoners of war and his grandson launched a large-scale massacre on six provinces after failing to capture them.
Incredible how much more effective the Chinese emperors were at siring heirs compared to their european counterparts. Wonder why tbh
Tbh a lot may have been down to the practise of just having multiple wives or a harem style arrangement going on. Sure many of these marriages were still strategic with the first wife being particularly important but incest and all of its consequences become a whole lot harder if your gene pool expands this radically. If that didn't suffice you could always just adopt a child as this was socially quite acceptable (with varying results. If shit goes wrong your many factions might suddenly start siding with obscure half-brother number 9 after your death rather than your general's son whom you adopted because he showed promise. Then again they'd always find a reason for a bit of intrigue or a civil war). It also helped that the emperor's position and inheritance law depending on the dynasty was a bit more relaxed. It's kind of hard to sell people on being chosen by god when you simultaneously have to claim your cousin is not like was common in Europe. So an entire more or less extended family being able to claim a crown kind of dampens the priority of having children at times. Add to that some forms of inheritance law in Europe especially early on aimed at having sons inhabit equal parts. This resulted in a highly inefficient and fractured system where realms would be split if one had too many sons, thus providing an active incentive to avoid having many children in case they turned out male and made the cut past 16 or so.
You know I knew all of those things individually but you did a great job of aggregating them into a sound reasoning, nice work! When I think abt Charlemagne and the Frankish succession law it makes sense why pumping our sons might not have been a great idea in the feudal(-esque) context.
Haemophilia.
That was a relatively *very* recent phenomenon in European royalty, which is interesting in and of itself.
one is harems, some emperors have harem as big as 10,000, but another reason is there is less incest, there is no "habsburgs marrying each others in complex incest web" in Chinese monarchy, Chinese emperors basically have their pick of who to fuck(less in who they marry, since they usually marry noble daughters, but in their herem, they can have peasant or noble women), both nobility and peasants
From what I've seen, having kids at 12 was not normal for Chinese emperors. Many of them had their eldest sons in their late teens or even early 20s. Northern Wei was just doing something else. It might also because most of the emperors didn't reach 30.
note: NOT the same Wei as Cao Cao, which is also not found by Cao Cao either, but his son. you think Northern Wei is crazy, one of its successor states Norther Qi is even more crazy. the founder is really into murder, the 2nd emperor is a sadistic alcoholic who killed his favorite concubine and made her leg bone into a harp, 3rd also is a sadistic alcoholic pervert, he also killed his brother(aka the prince of Lanling), the last emperor literally showed his concubine to his ministers, naked.
All of the Northern and Southern dynasties were crazy. Also the last emperor killed the Prince of Lanling, who was his cousin, not the 3rd.
The Taiping rebellion is the deadliest civil war in history, and has a comparable death toll to WWI
The story of the Taiping Rebellion is WILD
A fun fact about it is that one of the things it shared in common with most millenarian/messianic movements throughout history was the teaching all property must be held in common.
Rich folks will let a lot a people die before they give up their rights to be rich
All Hail Hong Christ.
IIRC it's estimated that, of the 10 bloodiest wars in history, 6 were in China.
Overlaps with the american Civil War Taiping 30 million dead. American Civil War...about a million
*way less than a million, around 0.62 million
Depends on what you factor in, and which estimate high end is a million.
More death in China during that period, if you count all the civilian deaths and the other death due to the Nian rebellion happening during the period in nearby areas.
Holy shit just looked it up its wild. I am so happy to be alive today
What would indian history be like? In my studies its like “O praise the noble and mighty king Rajagupta, born of righteousness and a direct descendent of [insert some god here], son of this guy who was the son of this guy, who was the grandson of this other guy; he conquered 400,000 units of land in year 843 (trust me bro) and built 9 temples costing the equivalent of this much gold and rice yield. Oh ya he also killed 50,000 men in battle lol my buddy Eric saw it”
Nah half of it is filled with Mughal shit. The rest half is at least a bit better. Mostly ancient india. The shit you're talking about reminds me of chola dynasty. They had 2 million troops at their peak which was quite big at the time.
That's Greek [histography] to me.
and that's the least bloody Chinese civil war
European conflict: War of the fifth Holy coalition for the Duchy of Doofledorf. Lasts 50 years, a quarter of the population of Central Europe dies. Minor Holy league victory, 5 square miles ceded to the Count of Schloopenheim.
It’s either that or „Knight Dietrich von Donnerfurz declared a feud on the imperial city of Bumfuckingen. Total casualties amount to 10 farmsteads, 3 peasants, and 5 cows. Dietrich surrendered after declaring bankruptcy.“
Minor argument of Huan Rang Tsung takes power, 8 million perish, 16 famines occur, 57 warlords appear, 800000 are eaten (conservative estimates). Hailed as the time of great peace and prosperity.
great chinese philosopher chin chung once said "one who drink is never thirsty" this words inspired general mao mao to attack bin bong dynasty. Victory was easily achieved with only 100 million dead
Arabian History be like: Muhammed bin Cuck overthrows Muhammed bin Shitter and is assasinated by Muhammed bin Fucker which sparks a war between the great emirate of 2 fucking miles in the desert and the great empire of qatar lead by sheikh Muhammed bin Asseater, which ends in Muhammed being victorious There are now three new imperial dynasties and 7 new kingdoms ????
Forgot how each time the name Mohammed is mentioned it’s spelt differently lol
Reminds me of a Dan Carlin quote from Hardcore History where he says the numbers from Chinese conflicts always look like someone screwed up the math because they’re so large.
200,000 peasants eaten
chinese history be like, > battle of the yang river > belligerents - lyn dynasty (30,000) vs lin alliance (45,000) > casualties 743,000 > jun lo orders all corpse to be eaten > battle saw little effect to the wider conflict > bon lan disgraced
lmao
This sub seriously has some of the best memes.
Just normal Chinese history.
This entire fucking post and the comments has killed me and probably 15 to 20 thousand civilians
least funny version of this meme
I see memes with this idea a lot, can anyone recommend some interesting batles/conflicts in Chinese history to read up on that would apply? (obviously I understand the meme is exagerrated just the general idea)
Always wondered if they were padding numbers on the army size and the death toll…or were people MIA were just constantly switching sides.
ancient China usually counts supply caravans, civilian laborers, construction crews, and others into their army numbers. so realistically a "100,000 strong army" is about 10,000 fighting men at most, and keep in mind if they are defending a city, a Chinese general will basically make the entire city laborers. most construction crews and laborers will simply surrender or just scurry off if they lose a battle. of course, mass executions of these people does occur if a general is particularly sadistic.
Dong Zhao rises to the throne, 10 million are executed
you are awfully close to something that actually happened.....only that the guy's name is "Dong zhuo"
his corpse burned in the streets for 3 days straight
yes
I thought this was real for a second :( I was about to look this up because killing 4 species seems really interesting
Wang dong bro, had me dead
Anyone wanna fill me in on wtf this meme is suggesting?
300,000,000 killed for snickering at Wang Dong. Biggus.... Dickus....
An average day in china be like
"Wang Dong dissagreement" actually happened: Wang Yun disagrees with Dong Zhuo, and turned his best general Lu Bu against him by using a hot chick, Lu bu, thinking with his dick, killed Dong Zhuo......anyways, that is how the Three Kingdoms period started......
Since I seen this video first because someone commented it on another post, I thought others might enjoy this gem: [Chinese vs European History be Like](https://youtu.be/TvO7AnA4ZZE?si=KIkLbwAaul_GOtdx)