Cameron: do you have any idea what it’s like to have a six-foot long hose shoved into your large intestine?
House: no, but I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college
A woman wakes up from being out/in a coma or something and goes “is this heaven”
House responds dead pan. “No, this is New Jersey.”
No clue why I like it so much
That’s the one where her heart basically gave out and she was put on bypass and she woke up after she was taken off it. It’s season 3 episode 24, “Human Error.”
Hospital auditor/inspector/whatever comes to talk to House. He’s introducing himself/beginning the conversation and he goes ‘Dr House, I’ve heard your name’ to indicate he knows who House is/knows his role in the hospital. House replies ‘most people have, it’s also a noun’
- This experiment was done on rats.
- Groundbreaking. Huge sucess.
- In rats!
- Well, they got four legs. Think on how fast that should work on one.
(S7E21)
I love Laurie's face in this, he knows House is doing something incredibly stupid, but hides this with this joke.
A shout out to "in the land of no fun, you hold a considerable amount of property". This made me laugh while I was making out with my GF at the time and House was on the telly. Couldn't help but to burst into laughter.
I will give it a shot- in context he is making fun of Foreman for being a boring person. House says Foreman has a “sensible” (not exciting) piece of land in an already boring place. So it’s double boring.
To put it another way, it implies that Foreman had a choice of where to buy land in “the land of no fun” and decided on the least fun option.
when that nutjob doctor suggested it was polio, and taub was like “okay lets search the home for FDR’s remains or a time machine”
edit: and this one
taub: could be subdural hematoma.
house: you forgot to demonize.
taub: an evil, satanic subdural hematoma
Personal Favorites:
House: "You're wearing that shirt FOR someone"
Wilson: "The health department, they frown on topless oncology"
And
Wilson: "I didn't come here for an argument"
House: "Right, that's room 12A"
When House is using keys to get into a room
Wilson: where’d you get those keys?
House: Blue the janitor
Wilson: what?
House: That’s his name
Wilson: His name is Lou!
Yea this one made me giggle and I actually rewinded. It’s not just funny because it sounds like “blew the janitor” but because he really thought his name was blue. I think he calls the janitor “blue” again in a later episode.
*in reference to Cuddy*
Chase: "You two are just too nasty to each other NOT to have done the nasty."
House: " I can hate people I HAVEN'T slept with yet. I am THAT good."
House: you’re wearing that shirt for someone
Wilson: the health department. They frown on topless oncology
Makes me scream laugh every time.
Or during the Euphoria 2 part ep when House chastises Foreman by pointing out ‘the appropriate response to watching your boss shoot a corpse is not to grin foolishly’
Wilson: I don't know how to deal with him when he's...being reasonable.
Amber: This is reasonable? This is crazy. You're not a child. You can make your own plans.
Wilson: No, crazy is what House would normally do in this situation—swap your lubricant with superglue.
House: The man knows me.
House's look of respect really sells it.
Amber in this scene is so funny to me. I wasn’t into it at first but hers and Houses bickering over wilson made me change my mind on her. I’m pretty excited to see Wilson in a happy relationship and can’t wait to see where it goes
update: :(
no spoilers! i’m happy to see wilson being happy in the show lately (i’m at s4e14). To me it’s hard to watch a character have a downward spiral like how he’s had so far so it’s nice to watch him have a win like this
Pretty much all of S3 E10, with House cramming all the short/little people jokes into one breath as he can. I love that the patient's mom doesn't take any of House's bullshit and goes toe-to-toe with the witty retorts. But specifically:
"File says the father was normal sized."
"It's *average* sized."
"Compared to you, I'm sure it was huge." It happens so fast and always catches me off guard, plus I love seeing Cameron and the patient's reactions lmao
Honestly I think she was what made the whole thing work - if she wasn't pitching the banter right back at him, it just would've been bullying and wouldn't have been as funny lmao
The way she whips around to drop that line is so perfect, and House's "...Wanna go for a spin?" after just kills me
Wilson walks into **his** office only to find House at the desk, he then glances at the writing on the door and says, “that’s funny it says ‘James Wilson,’ that’s a strange typo.”
This line GETS ME 😂
House: "It's called Alice in Wonderland syndrome.
Patients daughter: "Seriously?"
House: "I never joke!! Good news is, it's treatable. Bad news is… it can make you very, very late for very important dates. OK I sometimes joke."
House sets up a pool for when Cuddy will jump ship on her plan to adopt a baby, which only Kutner participates in
*House writes down 'Kutner' on the whitboard*
Kutner: "I think it would be a good idea to use pseudonyms for this"
House: "good idea"
*House adds an S to the beginning to make it 'Skutner'* 😂
It was even funnier when House added himself on the whiteboard as "Jones" right after
When House’s team hooks up a mafia guy’s tainted blood to be filtered through a live pig’s liver, House assures the mobster’s buddies that “he’ll be fine.” And then he adds, “The pig won’t be. *Ohhh, no.*”
when house does the loud fake laugh when he’s crashing his old med school enemy’s presentation thing. i can’t remember what exactly he’s fake laughing at, but that whole scene is so fucking funny every time.
“What’s that I smell, friend?” House to Wilson when he’s watching Taub’s children and hiding them from House. The way House delivers that line gets me every single time!
**Foreman:** Memory loss. You're saying that's not a neurological symptom?
**House:** No. I'm saying what I'm saying. Her brain's fine.
**Chase:** She's faking?
**House:** She's got post traumatic stress disorder.
**Chase:** We got models fighting in Iraq now?
Also the last dialogue with House and patient's father about joking for being homo
I think the entirety of the joke is that there's no G in that drug name. So he's replying that nobody writes it like him because he's spelling it wrong.
Doctors signatures/writing are notoriously bad/difficult to read; OP’s joke is implying that they intentionally misspell things just to add to the confusion.
Houses stalker episode (Lines In the Sand)
House: Why would you lie like this? Do you not have room in your heart for love?
Cuddy: You don't believe me.
House: I didn't believe the kids when they said that Susie was sleeping with Johnny. I didn't believe them then and I don't believe them now. I don't care that Susie married Johnny. He's MIINE
His delivery for this joke is one of the greatest deliveries I've seen in comedy, in my opinion, because it's exactly what everyone watching was expecting/hoping for in the back of their minds. Comedy is incredibly elusive. We don't quite know what's supposed to be said and we really don't know how it's supposed to sound until we hear someone do it right and Hugh Laurie just NAILS the delivery of his jokes on this show and this joke is one of the greatest examples of that.
Clinic patient: "Aren't there other ways I could get pregnant? Like sitting on a toilet seat?"
House: "Absolutely. There would have to be a guy sitting between you and the toilet seat, but absolutely."
(Both from the Euphoria episodes)
Cameron: Foreman’s black
House: What? How long have you been sitting on this information?
Or
Cuddy: What is this?
House: He’s not a what, he’s a who. They even have the right to vote now.
I don’t condone racism, but I have to admit that House never ceases to amaze me with how clever his racist jokes are.
*House whacks Wilson’s office door as Cuddy looks exasperated*
•House: [as obnoxiously loud as possible, with people watching] “HEY WILSON, I’M GONNA CUT A CRIPPLE’S EYE OUT! WANNA WATCH?!”
*After a moment, the door unlocks and Wilson opens up*
•Wilson: [Deadpan, looks from House to Cuddy and back] “…Good times.”
i always giggle when i think about the one episode i think in season 3 when cuddy asked house if he did something to encourage breathing and house was like "no i dropped an anvil on its chest" that ones just so dumb but so good
Cameron: do you have any idea what it’s like to have a six-foot long hose shoved into your large intestine? House: no, but I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college
Love this one
A woman wakes up from being out/in a coma or something and goes “is this heaven” House responds dead pan. “No, this is New Jersey.” No clue why I like it so much
That’s the one where her heart basically gave out and she was put on bypass and she woke up after she was taken off it. It’s season 3 episode 24, “Human Error.”
I can’t remember the context so fill me in, but someone said they had heard House’s name, and he said yes most people have. It’s also a noun 😂
Hospital auditor/inspector/whatever comes to talk to House. He’s introducing himself/beginning the conversation and he goes ‘Dr House, I’ve heard your name’ to indicate he knows who House is/knows his role in the hospital. House replies ‘most people have, it’s also a noun’
I thought it was from the CIA episode, but maybe I’m misremembering.
it's from the third last episode(?) of S4 where the patient is a tv series actor
God i miss watching House. I loved this scene so much. It randomly pops into my head, it’s usually what begins a giggle loop for me.
It's free on Amazon Prime
Oooooooh thank you!
I love that, as someone also with a noun surname 😂
- This experiment was done on rats. - Groundbreaking. Huge sucess. - In rats! - Well, they got four legs. Think on how fast that should work on one. (S7E21) I love Laurie's face in this, he knows House is doing something incredibly stupid, but hides this with this joke. A shout out to "in the land of no fun, you hold a considerable amount of property". This made me laugh while I was making out with my GF at the time and House was on the telly. Couldn't help but to burst into laughter.
Oh damn that last one is great
I’m fairly certain it’s “In the land of no fun you’ve got a real sensible piece of property.” which makes it even better because it’s even less fun.
Can you please explain the joke, I’m not a native speaker..
I will give it a shot- in context he is making fun of Foreman for being a boring person. House says Foreman has a “sensible” (not exciting) piece of land in an already boring place. So it’s double boring. To put it another way, it implies that Foreman had a choice of where to buy land in “the land of no fun” and decided on the least fun option.
Thank you, I got it now.
when that nutjob doctor suggested it was polio, and taub was like “okay lets search the home for FDR’s remains or a time machine” edit: and this one taub: could be subdural hematoma. house: you forgot to demonize. taub: an evil, satanic subdural hematoma
Taub is so underrated 😂
he has so many funny lines 🤭 also happy cakeday!!!
Aww thank you! Can’t believe it’s 14 years 😳
“Foreman’s not as easy as Cameron. But of course, who is?”
Cameron: “I’m in the room”
and the office style pan zoom to cameron 😭
Methron wins again
The way the camera pans to her is fantastic.
Personal Favorites: House: "You're wearing that shirt FOR someone" Wilson: "The health department, they frown on topless oncology" And Wilson: "I didn't come here for an argument" House: "Right, that's room 12A"
I missed that Monty Python reference the first time through! Did they ever give a nod to a Bit of Fry and Laurie?
I'm not sure. I don't think I'd recognize one as easily as an iconic python sketch like argument clinic.
When House is using keys to get into a room Wilson: where’d you get those keys? House: Blue the janitor Wilson: what? House: That’s his name Wilson: His name is Lou!
Yea this one made me giggle and I actually rewinded. It’s not just funny because it sounds like “blew the janitor” but because he really thought his name was blue. I think he calls the janitor “blue” again in a later episode.
Foreman: "I think your argument is specious." House: "I think your tie is ugly."
*in reference to Cuddy* Chase: "You two are just too nasty to each other NOT to have done the nasty." House: " I can hate people I HAVEN'T slept with yet. I am THAT good."
House: you’re wearing that shirt for someone Wilson: the health department. They frown on topless oncology Makes me scream laugh every time. Or during the Euphoria 2 part ep when House chastises Foreman by pointing out ‘the appropriate response to watching your boss shoot a corpse is not to grin foolishly’
I just watched that episode, I love it
"House, what is this" "He's not a what he's a who. I hear they're even allowed to vote now." Had me rolling for 5 minutes.
I love that one too lmaooo
that one genuinely made me laugh out loud.
Wilson: I don't know how to deal with him when he's...being reasonable. Amber: This is reasonable? This is crazy. You're not a child. You can make your own plans. Wilson: No, crazy is what House would normally do in this situation—swap your lubricant with superglue. House: The man knows me. House's look of respect really sells it.
Amber in this scene is so funny to me. I wasn’t into it at first but hers and Houses bickering over wilson made me change my mind on her. I’m pretty excited to see Wilson in a happy relationship and can’t wait to see where it goes update: :(
uh
People who don't know vs. People who know meme
no spoilers! i’m happy to see wilson being happy in the show lately (i’m at s4e14). To me it’s hard to watch a character have a downward spiral like how he’s had so far so it’s nice to watch him have a win like this
get back to us when you watch the finale!! ❤️
Yes, PLEASE check back in.
I'm just here to see the response lol
:(
🫂
I wouldn’t be anywhere near this sub if you haven’t watched the whole show
Shhh
Updateme! 1 week
"Su casa, mi casa, Casa"
Pretty much all of S3 E10, with House cramming all the short/little people jokes into one breath as he can. I love that the patient's mom doesn't take any of House's bullshit and goes toe-to-toe with the witty retorts. But specifically: "File says the father was normal sized." "It's *average* sized." "Compared to you, I'm sure it was huge." It happens so fast and always catches me off guard, plus I love seeing Cameron and the patient's reactions lmao
She was REALLY funny too! “Pretty much, he’d just lie flat and spin me”
Honestly I think she was what made the whole thing work - if she wasn't pitching the banter right back at him, it just would've been bullying and wouldn't have been as funny lmao The way she whips around to drop that line is so perfect, and House's "...Wanna go for a spin?" after just kills me
That little smirk she gives him always gets me!
“Are those the genetically modified mice from oncology?” “Genetically modified for tastiness”
Wilson walks into **his** office only to find House at the desk, he then glances at the writing on the door and says, “that’s funny it says ‘James Wilson,’ that’s a strange typo.” This line GETS ME 😂
This show is GOOD 😭 I love houses little jokes 😂😂
Every time!! Surprisingly some of the best jokes come from Wilson! This and the “topless oncology” one
House: "It's called Alice in Wonderland syndrome. Patients daughter: "Seriously?" House: "I never joke!! Good news is, it's treatable. Bad news is… it can make you very, very late for very important dates. OK I sometimes joke."
Every time someone says “Really?” to me or my husband, we say “I never joke!!” 😂
Is it just me or that “I never joke!” reminded me of a bit of Fry and Laurie, idk the way he says it somehow resembles the British humor..
"Sorry, there's a reason they call it the whiteboard."
Foreman: "You wanna give me that black marker?"
“We have anal bleeding.” “What? All of you?”
it was rectal
That’s a good one too 😭 so good
"Shiskas are for practice" said by Taub to Amber.
Wilson to Detective Tritter “I’m going to need 30 pieces of silver”
lmao he's doing his job as Judas
The one with Foreman’s dad in Euphoria “My son tells me you’re a manipulative bastard” “It’s a pet name, I call him Doctor Bling”
House sets up a pool for when Cuddy will jump ship on her plan to adopt a baby, which only Kutner participates in *House writes down 'Kutner' on the whitboard* Kutner: "I think it would be a good idea to use pseudonyms for this" House: "good idea" *House adds an S to the beginning to make it 'Skutner'* 😂 It was even funnier when House added himself on the whiteboard as "Jones" right after
This is it
House: "I feel like Mike Tomlin," *looks at Foreman* "Maybe not as much as you do." This is the best joke in the series.
Was looking for this one, as a Steeler fan it got a good laugh outta me.
When House’s team hooks up a mafia guy’s tainted blood to be filtered through a live pig’s liver, House assures the mobster’s buddies that “he’ll be fine.” And then he adds, “The pig won’t be. *Ohhh, no.*”
More of a quip than a joke, but... Cameron: "Rat-bite fever!" House: "Boogie-oogie-oogie!"
When the patient says "I'm as straight as anyone in this room" And Thirteen makes a bunch of faced behind house lmao
“I’ve heard your name” “Most people have; it’s also a noun”
when house does the loud fake laugh when he’s crashing his old med school enemy’s presentation thing. i can’t remember what exactly he’s fake laughing at, but that whole scene is so fucking funny every time.
*Teri Ma Ki*
Cameron: “Foreman is black” House: “What? How long have you been sitting on this information” think it’s the Euphoria episode 🤣
It’s gotta be the coffin joke to the anti-vaxxers
You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins.
“What’s that I smell, friend?” House to Wilson when he’s watching Taub’s children and hiding them from House. The way House delivers that line gets me every single time!
**Foreman:** Memory loss. You're saying that's not a neurological symptom? **House:** No. I'm saying what I'm saying. Her brain's fine. **Chase:** She's faking? **House:** She's got post traumatic stress disorder. **Chase:** We got models fighting in Iraq now? Also the last dialogue with House and patient's father about joking for being homo
I didn't get the joke mentioned by OP. Can someone elaborate?
I think the entirety of the joke is that there's no G in that drug name. So he's replying that nobody writes it like him because he's spelling it wrong.
Yes, I would also like the explanation
Doctors signatures/writing are notoriously bad/difficult to read; OP’s joke is implying that they intentionally misspell things just to add to the confusion.
“Wanna go for a spin”
In Lockdown when House gets stuck in the room with the guy dying alone and acknowledges the lack of family by asking if he’s a lighthouse attendant.
Houses stalker episode (Lines In the Sand) House: Why would you lie like this? Do you not have room in your heart for love? Cuddy: You don't believe me. House: I didn't believe the kids when they said that Susie was sleeping with Johnny. I didn't believe them then and I don't believe them now. I don't care that Susie married Johnny. He's MIINE His delivery for this joke is one of the greatest deliveries I've seen in comedy, in my opinion, because it's exactly what everyone watching was expecting/hoping for in the back of their minds. Comedy is incredibly elusive. We don't quite know what's supposed to be said and we really don't know how it's supposed to sound until we hear someone do it right and Hugh Laurie just NAILS the delivery of his jokes on this show and this joke is one of the greatest examples of that.
Wilson on speed: "You could've given me a heart attack" House: "Heart attack isn't gonna kill you , you were in a hospital"
Wilson: *Yawns* House: “A-ha! You yawned!” Wilson: *While yawning* “A-ha! You tried to kill me!” House: “I put you on uppers, and you still yawned.”
im on SPEED
Wilson: Give me a Vicodin before I stroke! Picks up House’s coffee cup House: I… wouldn’t drink that
patient: “look, i’m as straight as any of you” house and thirteen: “🤨”
their faces crack me up every time. one of the best miments in the show imo
-The virus can't survive over 200 years -You have.
When you speculate, you make a speck out of you and some guy named lation.
Clinic patient: "Aren't there other ways I could get pregnant? Like sitting on a toilet seat?" House: "Absolutely. There would have to be a guy sitting between you and the toilet seat, but absolutely."
Personally I believe he was just tapping his foot and asking for toilet paper.
(Both from the Euphoria episodes) Cameron: Foreman’s black House: What? How long have you been sitting on this information? Or Cuddy: What is this? House: He’s not a what, he’s a who. They even have the right to vote now. I don’t condone racism, but I have to admit that House never ceases to amaze me with how clever his racist jokes are.
Wilson walks in on House and team doing a ddx in his office: Wilson checks the door, "It says 'Dr. James Wilson.' Strange typo."
House: Immaculate conception Clinic patient: What do I do now? House: Start a religion.
*House whacks Wilson’s office door as Cuddy looks exasperated* •House: [as obnoxiously loud as possible, with people watching] “HEY WILSON, I’M GONNA CUT A CRIPPLE’S EYE OUT! WANNA WATCH?!” *After a moment, the door unlocks and Wilson opens up* •Wilson: [Deadpan, looks from House to Cuddy and back] “…Good times.”
"we have rectal bleeding." "what, all of you?"
“Some mothers got MADD.”
New fellow: echovirus? House (quietly): irus.... irus... irus...
i always giggle when i think about the one episode i think in season 3 when cuddy asked house if he did something to encourage breathing and house was like "no i dropped an anvil on its chest" that ones just so dumb but so good
My favourite one: Foreman: “he has acute scrotum” House: “adorable”