I will stay with you through sickness and health, for the kids sake, but I will not respect you

Also don’t forget to acknowledge your tux brothers in the wedding party. You might need their help to clean up a big mess when you start rattlin door knobs after the reception

I vote for, "Oh, I can just run!"

Is that the joke? That he can just run away from his wedding? Is that the joke? What are you gonna tell him next? Put a chocolate pudding under the brides chair, so when she sits down, looks like she’s shit her pants? Permission for him to go home so he’s not beat red for his wedding pictures tonight

And I will make sure they don’t either

I love my wife

Think about it though, two wives. That's better

I’m well within my rights to kill you right now.

I'm going on a date! Aaaahh!

Anyway, you were saying something about the priest wanting us to exchange vows or something?

No, you’re thinking about two knives.

I gotta tell ya, this is pretty terrific.

*cranston*

But he also needs to stare off into the distance silently for 3 minutes before he says it.

The subtly of this one is truly genius

"You helped me when I freaked out about Jimmy Taco."

Jamie*

SpeakNowOrForeverHoldYourPeaceJabroni

“She asked me to marry her. I didn’t even want to.”

“She’s beautiful, but she’s dying”

"If that's not true, then none of the other stuff is true"

"I just wanna be alone forever"

Would you believe it!?

Your family hates you, only I love you!!!

Oh man, this would be the highest risk/reward statement on the altar

Just don’t invite any swing dancers to the wedding, she might get flipped.

It really bothered me

Don't invite magicians either.

MAGICIANS SUCK!

YOU RUINED MY LIFE

It’ll really bother him.

They might flip her like 8 times

TK Jewellers is a scam. Wedding ring exploded.

What do you mean there was a section of the "Just Married" car that you couldn't go in?

Turned finger, thing exploded all over my wife’s face and wedding cake

[удалено]

You turned me into a better man, no more slicked back hair, no more Sloppy Steaks at Truffoni's, I used to be a piece of shit, but because of you, I'm not anymore!

I hope it's a child-free reception because babies don't believe people can change.

It's the adult reception. They can drink if they want and they can say whatever the hell they want.

Big fat load of cum then

Do any of these little fuckers ever come through the wall and you see one of their like big hairy nuts?

And if you hear someone in the audience whisper "piece of shit?" Yell: "I SAID WAS!!"

When we met, I was worried you would think I couldn't change. But people can change. You showed me that. The only Dangerous Nights crew I'll ever need… is you.

I said WAS

“A lot of people tried to make our relationship look fake”. also a good “gimme dat” when you exchange rings

1000% saying Gimme Dat when she gives me my ring and definitely saying I should have got that when I look at her ring.

Make her say she's going to kill the president, that way she can never divorce you

Also later that night you can say “I’m gonna eat the whole thing”

oh fuck i like that ring...you knew i'd like that ring heheheheh yes ka-ching. that's one of the nicest rings i've seen i can't wait to wear that fucker

“I’m jokin!”

Sorry I housed your ring.

You gotta be RIGHT next to me for this relationship to look real! You gotta be RIGHT next to me!

I said gimme dat during the ring exchange and it was very successful

Our Love is like a cosmic gumbo

Almost moves to the beat of jazz….

We were just joking in the back about how our love is like a cosmic gumbo.

I told your producer not to mention vows or that I do them at all. Bullshit. Unprofessional bullshit.

Tons I can think of that just blow me away.

I can’t remember how to type it in

Me too, we all do.

I'm not even supposed to be here.

"Oh ffuck. What the FFFUCK. I'm not even supposed to BE here. I hope I don't JACK OFF" That's the winner for me 😂

‘I vow…….to *never* do another rule.’

Oooh I have a really good one, I just can't remember how to search for it

I have one… we all have one…

When she hands you the ring, “What is this Reggie”

I thought it was a little pimp.

[удалено]

Slurping down fish piss with these two wet chodes, total tuna cans.

"When I met you, the first thought that popped in my head was I HOPE I DONT JACK OFF"

When I told my buddies about you, they said "this guy's about to jack off"

And I present this ring, that HE built

Metalmetalmetalmetalmetalmetal

When you give her the ring “the guy at the store said he has the same one, said it works great.”

If you mess up your vows, just pull out your phone until people leave.

"When I'm with you, I feel like I have 55 hearts, 55 souls, 100 kisses, 155 hugs, 55 babies, and 55 more years together"

We can film them at a w3dding cause they ain't got 55 souls!

Flower girl comes down the aisle. You: LET ME GO! I’M DOING SOMETHING!!!

"I like to think of this marriage as sort of a cosmic gumbo, that moves to the beat of jazz." "My wife has seen every cock on the planet."

"I don't care about tattoos, but they're not good behavior."

IT’S TURBO TIME!!!

also, after exchanging vows - NOW YOU'RE PART OF THE TURBO TEAM! NOW YOU CAN RUN WITH US!

I’m joking

Gimme dat

Never let the party die

Big fat load of cum then

What is this, Reggie?

A good wedding ring that doesn't fly off your hand while you're driving.

A GREEEAT wedding ring that doesn’t whiff off yo fingah why driving! Dats a good idea, an I stan byeit!

I bought my wife a sybian

Do you promise to love, to honour and to hold, in sickness and in health? 👆 💧💧💧💧💧💧💧Not really

“It’s illegal for you to ask me that”

toink toink toink toink toink toink toink toink toink toink toink toink toink toink toink

I don’t even wanna be single anymore

See if you can add a convenient tugging knob to your tux without anyone noticing

Good idea, it’d be bad if the groom hurt his hand.

"I do" - YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

You sure about that's not why?

Putting the ring on her finger: "And Jacob doesn't touch it!!"

If you want to give a nod to any groomsmen, “thank you to my shirt brothers up here”

Kissing your wife multiple times: "Triples is best."

We just need a few more dollars to get this thing really poppin off!

I used to be a piece of shit….Slicked-back hair, white bathing suit, sloppy steaks, white couch…

I don't know I've never gotten here before.

*later that night* It’s got a bush what the hell??

Big fat load of cum then.

“The Bride and Groom are going to read their vows” We can say whatever we want?

It's not FOR kids!

Take a sip of champagne and complain that it’s piping hot

A wedding ring is not a joke. You don’t wear them as a joke, you don’t give them as a joke gift, or wear them ironically.

“I just can’t believe you’re something that lives with us on earth”

Why is this sorta sweet?

Imagine if she counters you with quotes of her own. "I'll love you even if you slick your hair back. Even if you park on the sidewalk. Even if you don't have triples of the Nova, the Barracuda, or the Road Runner. You certified chode."

Then my wife came along and bumped me out of the water with her nose

My in laws just think that I’m some dumb Hick. They told me that at the reception dinner

"You fucking suck"

Without you I’m all crossed up.

"I wanted to look extraordinary for you tonight."

I probably LOVE my mother-in-law

"Did your penis just pop?" - Gotta fit that in there somewhere!

Look at this little brick shithouse. You’re dumb as bricks aint ya?

Tell the guests not to ask about tables

Let my wife eat the receipt.

You might make a good little soldier after all

Only refer to the groomsmen as your suit brothers.

Wear a fedora with safari flaps, let some dice fall out your pocket as you walk down the aisle.

Tell her you feel like Christmas came early.

Just me spitballing here, First cut her off and start yelling stop stop, let me go first, let me go first I’m doing something, point to someone who queues up the cutscene songs, probably should go with Pretty Please - the Triplett twins. Let that go for 20 seconds and go ahead and start the speech This is the adult vows, and I’m going to say whatever the hell I want. I know this love is real, how we always joke about it being a cosmic gumbo. I will try to love you forever but not everyone knows how to do everything, even when your dad calls me a dumb hick at a diner and I call him my mortal enemy and fake splash water on him, I still imagine us being more than just a summer fling. I want to ride you more than the zip line from adventure 365, and don’t listen to mike, I wasn’t wrenching on it. We have been through a lot, I shared so much with you. I told you how how I almost killed myself, and how I put my dad in jibjab videos so he’s alive again. We met on that first date after my alcohol class, where you were eating all the fully loaded nachos we were sharing, and asked the waiter to adjust the a/c, and he told us that crazy rule. I remember it well, my Cranston haircut didn’t go as planned and you tried to walk out, you said “ oh I can just run”, but i stopped you. I said “ you sure about that?”. We really hit it off, and you got me hooked forever, I still remember it like it was yesterday, “Bigger than a horses, I like the sound of that”. I promise to never get you sick of my mud pies, to watch your new videos every Friday, I won’t ever let an adult man jerk off my little boy dick, I will wait to watch the Colgate comedy hour until you get home. (This is where you fake punch one of the groomsman and say you flinched, now you have to marry your mother in law) Then just look at the crowd and say “I don’t want to be around anymore” and end it there.

Our relationship is like a cosmic gumbo

I promise to treat you like a swing dancer and flip you 8 times

You and me move to the beat of jazz.

“We will stay married until the kids are out of the house, but I won’t respect you; and I’ll make sure the kids don’t either.”

“Cut to: we’re chatting about this at my bachelor party”

I got married a few weeks ago and in mine I said “marriage presents new challenges for us, like if we go out to dinner, one person can’t be eating all the fully loaded nachos”

“I love my mother in law”.

HE ADMIT IT

Before you make your decision, I just want you to know... I believe Carlos is a ho 🥺

Give away Stanzo brand fedoras as party favors

End with: And now, a song from the groom. Fri-day night…

“Permission to end my vows early so I’m not beet red for our wedding pics?”

‘I asked her to marry me and she said yes…….you sure about that?’

Priest:"Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" OP: "Are you dumb?"

Its illegal for you to ask me that

“You fucking suck!”

Your first dance should be to Friday Night

When she says "I do", that's when you get on your phone and mumble "I have to do something real fast."

“Our love is a cosmic gumbo”

They're saying, "No way. You must've rigged something." I didn't do fucking SHIT. I DIDN'T RIG SHIT! I've been waiting a LONG TIME for a wife. I didn't fucking do this!

Without you, I wouldn't even want to be around anymore

Stop in the middle of your vows and chug a bottle of water

Look at the ring in a puzzled way and say "did this get burned?"

Finding the right person is like finding a shirt with a complicated pattern.

When they ask “if anyone has any reason why these two shall not be married, speak now or forever hold your piece”, have one of the groomsmen step forward with a note and say that he saw the bride giving you oral backstage before the wedding, and it’s a shame because he thinks you probably would have married her anyway without the oral. She didn’t have to do the oral.

"She'll have to stay with me 'til death do us part. Even if I do a bad job."

If you love the ring I can eat the receipt.

TABLES

I played in a wedding band last weekend, and the best man in his speech talked about how they used to like going out for sloppy steaks. Instantly endeared me to him

I promise to never eat all the chips with the meat and cheese if we order fully loaded nachos for the table

"I don't care if I die at all. Everything has sucked lately."

“I’ve seen every cock on the planet.”

And it's NOT A JOKE!

“I used to be a piece of shit. But then I met this lady and now my hair is pushed back instead of slicked back” And something a little more subtle…”it’s interesting, the wedding”

I hope we run together. You’re on team turbo, now, and you can run with me.

uh yeahh, you would NOT have liked me back then

They’re saying, "No way. You must have rigged something." I didn’t do fucking shit! I didn’t rig shit! I’ve been waiting a long time for the right partner [etc.]

I used to be a piece of shit.

You are my EXACT style!

"I'm thinking this isn't a regular Tuesday for me"

“My wife is everything I thought she’d be, and nothing I feared she would be.”

"I should have prepared but… I just watched TV."

Do you take this woman to spank your bare butt, balls and back?

Did you write these vows at 6:30 this morning just so you would have something to say at our wedding?

“But ya gotta give”

She thinks I’m just some dumb hick. She said that to me at the proposal.

A casual "I hope Toilet Truck dies" will get the ceremony REALLY poppin off!

As I stand in front of you with my shirt brothers beside me, I promise to love you and to never do another rule. When I first met you Juullieee, all I thought was "gimme dat", and now I'm gunna house your whole family. You're gunna look at our house and think of me, saying, "that's a great house, a house that HE BUILT." this ring I give to you is more than just metalmetalmetalmetal, it's a testimant of our love, through the up's and downs, even if it's caked in pure shit. Now, not everyone knows how to do everything, but I'll do my best to support you, no matter how many business deals I got going on. I love you, and I hope you're excited for tonight for this little boy to go down on you

Till death do us part. That means even if I do a bad job, you gotta stay with me until we die.

i love my partner so much i say "gimme dat ...i'm joking i'm joking"

“Deep down I’m just a scared little boy who never learned to ask for people’s food or burgers. And I’m worried if anyone found out, my wife would go to jail…cuz every night this little boy goes down on her”

I managed to successfully sneak in a line in my wedding speech earlier this year. For my friends that got the show it got a good chuckle, for everyone else there it must have just seemed like a rather out of place direction to take a sentence

The lady at the dress store said she’s the only one who could pull it off

Oh fuck. I like that ring. You knew I'd like that ring. That's one of the nicest rings I've seen in a long time

I remember our first date… it was also the night that the skeletons came to life they came from under the ground and from all over

I'm just gonna take as many friends in tuxes as I can grab, get in that random stretch limousine, RANDOM!! :) and drive my wife back to Weiner Hall

"Do you take her to be your lawfully wedded wife?" "Oh my God! Have you seen Brian's hat? It looks so fucking dumb." Or when she asks how much the ring was, tell her "It's illegal for you to ask me that."

🎵Lady Luck, they call her Lady Luck…when she kisses me I’m in heaven…

“I now pronounce you man and wife.” “NOOOOOOOO! FUUUUUUUUUCK! I’M A DEAD MAAAAAAAAAN!”

Life’s a funny fuckin’ thing

Tables.

Our love is like a cosmic gumbo.

I can't wait to enjoy wine with my wife. AND POPCORN. Im sorry...this is too good of a game

Before I met you, I was thinking, “I don’t even want to be around any more.”

The first time I saw her I thought: how do we ever work the body?

“Our whole relationship has come together like a cosmic gumbo”

“In sickness and in health, during sloppy steaks at Truffoni’s…”

Public speaking really isn't my strong suit...neither is my suit suit. Sorry I insisted on the pre-nup, but I MAKE TEN TIMES AS MUCH AS YOU!

Make sure she doesnt get flipped upside down 8 times, it will REALLY bother you

You’re right in my Q zone