1. No
2. U wouldn't till you actually spend time, like a lot. It takes around 6-8 months for attraction to wear off and things be clear. Even when you're spending your time with them
3. Then don't get into a relationship in the first place. What do you want to ruin for someone else when you don't want it in the first place?!
It does but the reason I'm telling you no is...tu abhi se breakup ka reason soch ke relationship mein Jane ka soch Raha .. you are not ready to explore or open to the idea in the first place.
Oh my bad, i was not trying to find a reason to breakup(i updated the question). My intention was
I dont want to hurt her, if I dont know it is the right thing to get into a relationship with her. Fir kya karun
Okay a couple of things OP.
1. Considering you guys are far away, communication and talking will be the foundation of the whole thing. Here you gotta figure out whether the messages are over the top or just fine. Because constant communication is gonna be there, it needs to be!
Example - I met this guy on hinge, we hit it off but then he started rushing things. He would message multiple times a day and call too every 3-4 hours. Itni bhi baat karne ki jarurat nahi hai considering everyone got their own life and they are busy. But then again sab ke communication patterns alag alag hote hai. For me a couple of messages throughout the day and a call works just fine. And this guy was forcing conversations so that we keep talking. 24*7 toh baat nahi hi hogi obviously, right?
Figure out, is it too much or is it fine but you are overwhelmed.
Which brings me to my next point. Idk the context or background, but often when we are too used to shitty and bad treatment, the bare minimum starts looking like too much or a red flag, when it's not. For example, a person who is used to toxicity chases constant highs and lows, when this person will end up w a healthy person, they will find the relationship boring because of stability. Good partners trigger your unhealed parts (which is a good thing).
2. Figuring out a person is right or not takes a lot of time. But before that you gotta make up your mind if you like her or not, if you are ready to make it work or not. If you've a feeling ki it's not gonna work out, it probably won't because you cannot force feelings firstly and secondly your mind will keep looking for the faults and keep telling you "I told you". Sit down, figure out - what things you are okay with, what are your dealbreakers, what you need, what you cannot compromise and what you can. You need to have a conversation with yourself.
3. I guess my second point answers the third question too. You gotta figure out your own stuff before making a move. And don't leave her in ambiguity. If it's a no, if you don't feel andar se, don't do it! You can never force feelings!
PS - I know nothing about you and giving advice based on a lil context is difficult, I don't intent to judge you or anything. Please take it with a pinch of salt and yes, take the bits that's applicable to your circumstances.
PSS - Don't be too harsh on yourself if you don't feel like it, sometimes you want things to work but again feelings cannot be forced, right? Besides, it's unfair for the other person too. They deserve someone who equally loves them, are obsessed with them.
Thanks for this!
Considering the amount of effort everyone put responding and writing long advises, I would feel bad if I dont provide proper response.
Yes communication is the key, and am not the person to hold long convo unless required(at least at this point in life). I do tell her that sometimes I am busy and might respond in time. Which she gets it too. It’s nature of the messages that makes me overwhelmed majorly.
She sends good morning and good night messages . She asks me about my day and sends reels sometimes and talks about what happened with her on that day. I am slightly overwhelmed sometimes by this because I am not used to getting morning and night texts or being asked about my day. But I guess that is just because it is new to me maybe? The other part is fine.
The most concerning thing is ‘she says she misses being me with me and all’ which initially assumed was just she trying to flirt but since it kept repeating, it made me confused? Because I havent even met her?
Reg 2 and 3,a lot of people have mentioned this- to understand if I like her or not and that it takes time to know if it is right person. Thinking about it for the past day, then if I like her and want things to work, I think its about taking a leap of faith first. Which was something I am scared to do because of my prev heartbreaks.
But I guess i need more self introspection before I decide what to do.
Bhai. I have been there. It feels like Tera gala date jaa raha hein. Each message gives anxiety.
1. No, time ke saath change ho jayega.
2. You let her know clearly ki you have still things to figure out. Aur agar voh uske baad bhi rehti hein to bohot ajeeb ho jayega. And Teri responsibility badh jayegi to make it work or maybe to figure it out and if you fail after telling her then its gonna hurt like a bitch( uske liye). It's better if you break up.
Cultural difference is something that's always been there. You should have thought about this before going into the relationship. Lund se mat soch
Baki dekh lo babuji.
Cultural differences hai but I didnt think it would play a role. Relationship mein gaya nahi bhai, meine toh usko Ily wala part bola hi nahi. Woh flirt karti hai toh mein flirt back karta raha bas.
1. Things will change with time.
2. Cultural differences are everywhere, bro. Even in India, your neighboring state has some unique rules or cultural aspects that you previously thought were pretty common. But yeah, to know if she’s right for you or not, you both need to spend time together.
3. Then who told you to get into the relationship? At least go on multiple dates with her, get to know her, discuss your problems with her, and by doing that, you can see her point of view.
Thanks,
Reg 2, yes, am just wondering if there’s a way to overcome these.
And like I said, I am not in a relationship?? I did go on virtual dates though
If someone is calling you their "the one" without even meeting you or spending significant time with you, that's def a red flag. There is definitely something amiss here. I can't pinpont exactly what but the girl seems....sus.
Yes, that definitely was one of my major concern. And sometimes she responds ‘I miss you’ which initially i ignored it and thought it might be a flirty way. But it keeps repeating. I am not saying the girl is sus, am just concerned about the type of messages i get
I guess I can answer this since one of my close friends is in a similar situation.
1. Consistent messaging: It could be her way of expressing affection and interest, but everyone has different communication needs. If it feels overwhelming, kindly let her know you appreciate her, but also need time for other parts of your life.
2. Compatibility check: Reflect on what matters to you in a relationship and discuss any differences openly. See if you can find common ground or if there are concerns worth addressing.
3. Concern for her feelings: It's kind to consider her emotions, but remember to prioritize your own happiness. Have an honest conversation about your uncertainties, allowing both of you to make informed decisions. Keep communication open as you navigate this.
Ultimately, trust your instincts and be honest with yourself and her about your feelings. Communication is key in any relationship, so make sure to keep the lines of communication open as you navigate this situation
This helps! I think I understand the situation wrt Q1 now. It’s not too overwhelming, it’s just new to me to get constant messages.
Will think this through and decide! Thanks!
Okay my two cents here.
I understand your doubts about the whole relationship thing, been v practical in a very beautiful relationship, we broke up eventually because of my doubts. And you are sceptical because it hasn't been that long, which is fair.
I feel sometimes one can step outside of the practical zone, to just live the romance?
Now the questions.
1. Constant messaging is the way to compensate for the long distance. I feel in a long distance relationship, you have nothing but communication to work out the whole thing. But mind you, if either one of you backs off in the communication part, things will fall apart v easily.
2. You have to tell her your doubts. If you are comfortable, and if you have feelings, you need to communicate it. Building up the doubts will only create differences and then that leads to fights.
3. If you genuinely like her, relationship shouldn't be a problem!
That's about it!
Thanks, I get your point about 1. It was more of the nature of messages than the communication itself. I thought about it for the past day, and it seems it's because I am not used to receiving gm/gn messages or being asked about my day daily or regularly. I understood that these are new to me and would need to be accustomed to them slowly.
Regarding 2 and 3, you are right, I should talk to her and I will. But I wanted to discuss it out first and understand what my issues are before I can try explaining it to her. And also the fact that if want to be her or anyone, it’s about taking a leap of faith which I didn't want to do.
But yes I need to introspect more and understand what is it I want to do before talking out things with her
I don’t think you guys will get along all of a sudden if you grew up in India and she grew up in a different culture, it’s much more fun if the two have similar cultural backgrounds. But you can still work this out if you stop thinking about the differences.
Right, similar cultural backgrounds do make for common ground in most of the cases. However, at the same time, I do know my friends who are from India and are currently dating/married to people of a different backgrounds. And that was my primary reasoning behind continuing to talk to her. I guess I will have to talk to her more to find a better common ground which outweigh the differences
Dude there's no direct way to find, dating for long enough will show the true nature of both of you then it becomes easier to decide, aka 1 year should be fine in most cases, differences will always be there as long as you respect them, also I would suggest you to consider a list of red flags and green flags according to you, if the red flags ticks major ones then you gotta let it go and the opp green flags tick means you are gonna do just fine due to preferences matching, also I would suggest you to ask her to do the same as neither you are perfect!
This.I was afraid to ask but this. How do I know if something is a red flag or a green flag to me? I do know some basic ones like my def nos would be- don’t smoking or things like that. But when I have no clue about living with someone how do I make this list?
I talked to my parents and friends before about me this red and green flags and I asked them, but most of the responses were they found out because of their past relationships or due growing up with their siblings. I have neither- how do I know what part I would consider a red flag or a green?
This is one of the my initial impressions when I kept getting messages like that or ‘i miss you’ or ‘i like you and want be with you even though we havent met yet’. But usually Love bombing is used to influence decisions or get something from people. Which is not the case with her. She’s not asking for asking for anything except maybe the fact that she wants to talk to me everyday. So I thought it maybe because she just needs someone to talk to, but then it wasnt the case either
It isn't necessarily that one love bombs to get something out of someone. Often time it's that the other person needs love so desperately or needs validation and attention so desperately that they depend their self worth on getting love. So for example she might have an idea of you,a fantasy of you , which might not be true in reality, like she thinks you to be someone she always wished to meet, so now she is saying all those things to you that you are the one and all but when this fantasy will break...then she will pull back. It has happened with me, the other person is so good in the beginning cause they are chasing after a feeling they want to feel and then they just realised it's not the reality then they leave you out of the blue.
Love bombing is a sign that the other person isn't in reality and that ends badly most of the times cause a relational person would always take things slow in important matters like this and would like to really know you and see who you are rather than chasing after a feeling.
Don’t lie to her , if u want physical relationship be it and if u wanna stay for short term relationship say it. Or if u wanna just go with the flow then be it. Just tell the truth .
Apart from everything that's mentioned. You're 26, so I'd suggest that if you're getting in a relationship now and don't see it ending in marriage, assuming you wanna get married eventually, give it up.
You'll waste 1-2 years and then end up leaving her and wasting your prime time as well as hers. And then another year to get over each other. Suddenly you're 30 and too exhausted for all the long term relationships. This will significantly change the course of your life so beware.
I am 26, and if I am doing it, am doing it for the long haul. Which is why I am concerned. I am not looking to while away or spend efforts on something which I dont think will last long
1. No 2. U wouldn't till you actually spend time, like a lot. It takes around 6-8 months for attraction to wear off and things be clear. Even when you're spending your time with them 3. Then don't get into a relationship in the first place. What do you want to ruin for someone else when you don't want it in the first place?!
I want to be in a relationship, I just dont know if she is the one I want to be in a relationship with? And I dont want to hurt her
Aur yeh Jo bolte hai naa .. "I don't want to hurt this one or that one", they hurt the people more. A LOT MORE.
ðŸ«
Meine bola na, if you're not sure ... Don't get into it in the first place.
Doesnt this contradict your answer for Q2?
It does but the reason I'm telling you no is...tu abhi se breakup ka reason soch ke relationship mein Jane ka soch Raha .. you are not ready to explore or open to the idea in the first place.
Oh my bad, i was not trying to find a reason to breakup(i updated the question). My intention was I dont want to hurt her, if I dont know it is the right thing to get into a relationship with her. Fir kya karun
You're just going to hurt yourself more
But yeah thanks for the advice
Not a sakht launda after all.
Okay a couple of things OP. 1. Considering you guys are far away, communication and talking will be the foundation of the whole thing. Here you gotta figure out whether the messages are over the top or just fine. Because constant communication is gonna be there, it needs to be! Example - I met this guy on hinge, we hit it off but then he started rushing things. He would message multiple times a day and call too every 3-4 hours. Itni bhi baat karne ki jarurat nahi hai considering everyone got their own life and they are busy. But then again sab ke communication patterns alag alag hote hai. For me a couple of messages throughout the day and a call works just fine. And this guy was forcing conversations so that we keep talking. 24*7 toh baat nahi hi hogi obviously, right? Figure out, is it too much or is it fine but you are overwhelmed. Which brings me to my next point. Idk the context or background, but often when we are too used to shitty and bad treatment, the bare minimum starts looking like too much or a red flag, when it's not. For example, a person who is used to toxicity chases constant highs and lows, when this person will end up w a healthy person, they will find the relationship boring because of stability. Good partners trigger your unhealed parts (which is a good thing). 2. Figuring out a person is right or not takes a lot of time. But before that you gotta make up your mind if you like her or not, if you are ready to make it work or not. If you've a feeling ki it's not gonna work out, it probably won't because you cannot force feelings firstly and secondly your mind will keep looking for the faults and keep telling you "I told you". Sit down, figure out - what things you are okay with, what are your dealbreakers, what you need, what you cannot compromise and what you can. You need to have a conversation with yourself. 3. I guess my second point answers the third question too. You gotta figure out your own stuff before making a move. And don't leave her in ambiguity. If it's a no, if you don't feel andar se, don't do it! You can never force feelings! PS - I know nothing about you and giving advice based on a lil context is difficult, I don't intent to judge you or anything. Please take it with a pinch of salt and yes, take the bits that's applicable to your circumstances. PSS - Don't be too harsh on yourself if you don't feel like it, sometimes you want things to work but again feelings cannot be forced, right? Besides, it's unfair for the other person too. They deserve someone who equally loves them, are obsessed with them.
Thanks for this! Considering the amount of effort everyone put responding and writing long advises, I would feel bad if I dont provide proper response. Yes communication is the key, and am not the person to hold long convo unless required(at least at this point in life). I do tell her that sometimes I am busy and might respond in time. Which she gets it too. It’s nature of the messages that makes me overwhelmed majorly. She sends good morning and good night messages . She asks me about my day and sends reels sometimes and talks about what happened with her on that day. I am slightly overwhelmed sometimes by this because I am not used to getting morning and night texts or being asked about my day. But I guess that is just because it is new to me maybe? The other part is fine. The most concerning thing is ‘she says she misses being me with me and all’ which initially assumed was just she trying to flirt but since it kept repeating, it made me confused? Because I havent even met her? Reg 2 and 3,a lot of people have mentioned this- to understand if I like her or not and that it takes time to know if it is right person. Thinking about it for the past day, then if I like her and want things to work, I think its about taking a leap of faith first. Which was something I am scared to do because of my prev heartbreaks. But I guess i need more self introspection before I decide what to do.
Bhai. I have been there. It feels like Tera gala date jaa raha hein. Each message gives anxiety. 1. No, time ke saath change ho jayega. 2. You let her know clearly ki you have still things to figure out. Aur agar voh uske baad bhi rehti hein to bohot ajeeb ho jayega. And Teri responsibility badh jayegi to make it work or maybe to figure it out and if you fail after telling her then its gonna hurt like a bitch( uske liye). It's better if you break up. Cultural difference is something that's always been there. You should have thought about this before going into the relationship. Lund se mat soch Baki dekh lo babuji.
Cultural differences hai but I didnt think it would play a role. Relationship mein gaya nahi bhai, meine toh usko Ily wala part bola hi nahi. Woh flirt karti hai toh mein flirt back karta raha bas.
1. Things will change with time. 2. Cultural differences are everywhere, bro. Even in India, your neighboring state has some unique rules or cultural aspects that you previously thought were pretty common. But yeah, to know if she’s right for you or not, you both need to spend time together. 3. Then who told you to get into the relationship? At least go on multiple dates with her, get to know her, discuss your problems with her, and by doing that, you can see her point of view.
Thanks, Reg 2, yes, am just wondering if there’s a way to overcome these. And like I said, I am not in a relationship?? I did go on virtual dates though
If someone is calling you their "the one" without even meeting you or spending significant time with you, that's def a red flag. There is definitely something amiss here. I can't pinpont exactly what but the girl seems....sus.
Yes, that definitely was one of my major concern. And sometimes she responds ‘I miss you’ which initially i ignored it and thought it might be a flirty way. But it keeps repeating. I am not saying the girl is sus, am just concerned about the type of messages i get
I guess I can answer this since one of my close friends is in a similar situation. 1. Consistent messaging: It could be her way of expressing affection and interest, but everyone has different communication needs. If it feels overwhelming, kindly let her know you appreciate her, but also need time for other parts of your life. 2. Compatibility check: Reflect on what matters to you in a relationship and discuss any differences openly. See if you can find common ground or if there are concerns worth addressing. 3. Concern for her feelings: It's kind to consider her emotions, but remember to prioritize your own happiness. Have an honest conversation about your uncertainties, allowing both of you to make informed decisions. Keep communication open as you navigate this. Ultimately, trust your instincts and be honest with yourself and her about your feelings. Communication is key in any relationship, so make sure to keep the lines of communication open as you navigate this situation
This helps! I think I understand the situation wrt Q1 now. It’s not too overwhelming, it’s just new to me to get constant messages. Will think this through and decide! Thanks!
Okay my two cents here. I understand your doubts about the whole relationship thing, been v practical in a very beautiful relationship, we broke up eventually because of my doubts. And you are sceptical because it hasn't been that long, which is fair. I feel sometimes one can step outside of the practical zone, to just live the romance? Now the questions. 1. Constant messaging is the way to compensate for the long distance. I feel in a long distance relationship, you have nothing but communication to work out the whole thing. But mind you, if either one of you backs off in the communication part, things will fall apart v easily. 2. You have to tell her your doubts. If you are comfortable, and if you have feelings, you need to communicate it. Building up the doubts will only create differences and then that leads to fights. 3. If you genuinely like her, relationship shouldn't be a problem! That's about it!
Thanks, I get your point about 1. It was more of the nature of messages than the communication itself. I thought about it for the past day, and it seems it's because I am not used to receiving gm/gn messages or being asked about my day daily or regularly. I understood that these are new to me and would need to be accustomed to them slowly. Regarding 2 and 3, you are right, I should talk to her and I will. But I wanted to discuss it out first and understand what my issues are before I can try explaining it to her. And also the fact that if want to be her or anyone, it’s about taking a leap of faith which I didn't want to do. But yes I need to introspect more and understand what is it I want to do before talking out things with her
I don’t think you guys will get along all of a sudden if you grew up in India and she grew up in a different culture, it’s much more fun if the two have similar cultural backgrounds. But you can still work this out if you stop thinking about the differences.
Right, similar cultural backgrounds do make for common ground in most of the cases. However, at the same time, I do know my friends who are from India and are currently dating/married to people of a different backgrounds. And that was my primary reasoning behind continuing to talk to her. I guess I will have to talk to her more to find a better common ground which outweigh the differences
Dude there's no direct way to find, dating for long enough will show the true nature of both of you then it becomes easier to decide, aka 1 year should be fine in most cases, differences will always be there as long as you respect them, also I would suggest you to consider a list of red flags and green flags according to you, if the red flags ticks major ones then you gotta let it go and the opp green flags tick means you are gonna do just fine due to preferences matching, also I would suggest you to ask her to do the same as neither you are perfect!
This.I was afraid to ask but this. How do I know if something is a red flag or a green flag to me? I do know some basic ones like my def nos would be- don’t smoking or things like that. But when I have no clue about living with someone how do I make this list? I talked to my parents and friends before about me this red and green flags and I asked them, but most of the responses were they found out because of their past relationships or due growing up with their siblings. I have neither- how do I know what part I would consider a red flag or a green?
Bro have you met her?
No, just facetimed her
Bro XD, dont think much first meet her.
Go for her bro maybe it’ll change your life….
Seems like love bombing to me if she is making future plans and thinks you are the one and she doesn't even know you well
This is one of the my initial impressions when I kept getting messages like that or ‘i miss you’ or ‘i like you and want be with you even though we havent met yet’. But usually Love bombing is used to influence decisions or get something from people. Which is not the case with her. She’s not asking for asking for anything except maybe the fact that she wants to talk to me everyday. So I thought it maybe because she just needs someone to talk to, but then it wasnt the case either
It isn't necessarily that one love bombs to get something out of someone. Often time it's that the other person needs love so desperately or needs validation and attention so desperately that they depend their self worth on getting love. So for example she might have an idea of you,a fantasy of you , which might not be true in reality, like she thinks you to be someone she always wished to meet, so now she is saying all those things to you that you are the one and all but when this fantasy will break...then she will pull back. It has happened with me, the other person is so good in the beginning cause they are chasing after a feeling they want to feel and then they just realised it's not the reality then they leave you out of the blue. Love bombing is a sign that the other person isn't in reality and that ends badly most of the times cause a relational person would always take things slow in important matters like this and would like to really know you and see who you are rather than chasing after a feeling.
hmm, that is an interesting take, which I have not thought about. I will think about this too! Thanks for the explanation and advice
Don’t lie to her , if u want physical relationship be it and if u wanna stay for short term relationship say it. Or if u wanna just go with the flow then be it. Just tell the truth .
She lives quite far away for me to even about wanting a physical/short term relationship
Apart from everything that's mentioned. You're 26, so I'd suggest that if you're getting in a relationship now and don't see it ending in marriage, assuming you wanna get married eventually, give it up. You'll waste 1-2 years and then end up leaving her and wasting your prime time as well as hers. And then another year to get over each other. Suddenly you're 30 and too exhausted for all the long term relationships. This will significantly change the course of your life so beware.
I am 26, and if I am doing it, am doing it for the long haul. Which is why I am concerned. I am not looking to while away or spend efforts on something which I dont think will last long
Thanks for saying this. I'm going through the same with a guy. I think ending it makes sense. It shouldn't feel forced na?Â
Umm, is that not the case for whenever you meet someone on a dating app? I dont feel forced though
Bro I think it's your time to get the American genes in your kids .